As a follow up to yesterday's Ron Artest video blog post, here's a stinging mouthful of Ron-Ron's latest song and video: "In Da Hood." But beware: If you find horrible and poorly performed rap music particularly grueling, you should skip this.

(But not really. It is, as always, completely and unintentionally hilarious, especially when Ron is cluelessly tapping away at the buttons on his mix machine, which itself looks like something off the original Starship Enterprise. A kitten walking across a computer keyboard would have a better idea of what its doing. Thanks to Dunpizzle for the link.)

Labels: crazy people, rapping, Ron Artest, unintentional hilarity, Videos

Lawrence Frank owes his career to one spectacular deadcoach bounce. And his ability to bake a mean quiche.
dead coach bounce (ded koch bouns) noun. The burst of inspired play a team experiences immediately following an in-season coaching change.

Usage example: The Washington Wizards benefited from a dead coach bounce last night, beating the Golden State Warriors 124-100.

Word history: I've been using this term since 2004 (more on that below). It's a simple takeoff on the phrase dead cat bounce, which is defined as follows:

"A dead cat bounce is a figurative term used by traders in the finance industry to describe a pattern wherein a spectacular decline in the price of a stock is immediately followed by a moderate and temporary rise before resuming its downward movement, with the connotation that the rise was not an indication of improving circumstances in the fundamentals of the stock. It is derived from the notion that 'even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from a great height.'"

I coined the term in response to what might be the most famous example of a dead coach bounce in NBA history: When Lawrence Frank took over for Byron Scott in New Jersey. What's very well known is this. Frank's ascension to the coaching throne ignited a 13-game winning streak that ran from January 27 to February 24, 2004. The streak set an NBA record for the most consecutive wins by a head coach to begin a coaching career. It was also the longest winning streak of any coach in any of the four major professional sports to begin a career. During the streak, the Nets won six consecutive games on the road, which also gave Frank the record for most wins by a head coach on the road at the start of his coaching career.

What's less well known is this: After starting out 13-0 under Frank, the Nets went 12-15 the rest of the way. And, in fact, since winning his first 13 games, Frank has gone .500 since (184-184). Yet every season I read or hear about that career-opening streak...which means even almost five years later, Frank is still benefitting from the dead coach bounce.

Another notable dead coach bounce happened in 1994 when Magic Johnson took over the head coaching job in L.A. The Lakers -- who were 28-38 when Johnson took over -- won their first Magic-coached game 110-101 against the Milwaukee Bucks and even managed to win five of six (including a 101-88 victory over the soon-to-be NBA champion Houston Rockets) before ending the season on a 10-game losing streak...after which Magic wisely stepped down.

Jim O'Brien also enjoyed something of a dead coach bounce in 2000-01, when he helped a terrible Celtics team (who were 12-22 when Rick Pitino finally resigned) go 24-24 over their final 48 games. He lost his first game as the C's head man, but he won on his second try against a 50-win Miami Heat team. He also presided over 6-game and 4-game wining streaks, which was something that Pitino (102-146 in his four seasons in Boston) could only dream of.

Labels: coaching changes, Lawrence Frank, New Jersey Nets, Word of the Day

The Golden State Warriors: They crumbled in the face of what I like to call "dead coach bounce." It's that temporary burst of inspired play a lousy team experiences immediately following an in-season coaching change. The Wizards, heretofore lifeless and largely hopeless, had season highs in shot attempts (105), points (124), rebounds (54, including 23 on the offensive end), assists (27) and forced turnovers (20). Caron Butler scored a season-high 35 points, Andray Blatche had season highs in points (25) and rebounds (11) while tying his career highs in blocks and steals (5 each), rookie center JaVale McGee kicked in a season-high 14 points, and Antawn Jamison added 25 points and 11 rebounds.

Warriors coach Don Nelson, who's seen this kind of thing once or twice before, said: "We played an inspired team tonight. They outworked us, outhustled us, outplayed us. They did everything well and we didn't do very much well at all. Pretty disappointed with the way that my team played, especially the young players that got an opportunity to play. They all played very poorly." Don't feel bad. You guys had probably lost this one before the team plane even hit the tarmac.

Energy and inspiration. That's what the dead coach bounce will give a team. How long it'll last? I have no idea. But keep in mind that the Wizards were 1-10 for a whole mess of reasons, and Eddie Jordan was, at most, only one of those reasons.

Caron Butler, quote machine: Think Tough Juice supports the coaching change in Washington? Here's what he said after the game: "Now that we got 'Obama' on the sideline with us, we're going to ride with it. Tap, he's light-skinned, he stands for change, he's got a law degree, he uses big words, and he's new in the district, and he's in control now, so shout out to Obama. We won tonight; he brought a lot of hope. And he's good with numbers, so hopefully he'll change the economy as well."

The Knicks and the New York crowd: If they were staging an audition for LeBron, then the King's agent will probably tell them, "Don't call us. We'll call you." They stunk it up both offensively (41 percent shooting, 24 missed three-pointers, 17 turnovers) and defensively (they let the Cavs shoot 53 percent, forced only 8 turnovers and blocked one measly shot).

Meanwhile, the "fans" spent more time cheering for James and dreaming of 2010 than rooting for the home team. Nobody ran out of the stands to congratulate him or anything, but one guy screamed "Two more years!" at James as he was heading to the bench at the start of the second quarter. How's that for home court disadvantage?

Uh...yay team?
LeBron James: On the one hand, the King tried to say all the right things. To wit: "We hear it every day, we see it every day on TV about 2010 all the time, we still go out and take care of business. We don't worry about what's going on. Me the leader, I can't let that faze me because I'm leading these guys onto something that we want to accomplish, and that's win an NBA championship."

But on the other hand, he also made comments suggesting that he's looking ahead just as much as anybody else. "If you guys want to go to sleep right now and not wake up until July 1, 2010, then go ahead because it's going to be a big day. July 1, 2010 is going to be a very, very big day."

He also let the NBA world know that he'll be willing to listen to anybody with the money to pursue him. "It's not just New York and Brooklyn. It's not just a two-team race." Presumably, his own team will be allowed to join in the LeBron Lottery...but that's quite a bit different than saying "I'm a Cavalier for life." I'm sure that's got to make the people of Cleveland feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

A textbook case of self-delusion.
One last note: Considering his immense talent and the attention being showered on him by the ongoing LeBron-a-thon, it's not all that surprising that there's a little megalomania brewing under the chiseled surface, but his ongoing battle with third-person verbosity continues to be my personal favorite King James-related subplot. The latest entry: "No team LeBron James is on will ever be under the radar."

Ben Wallace: Uhm, wtf? I guess he thinks he's a Pharaoh or something. Which would make sense. I mean, he's about as old as one...and he's practically mummified already!


The Klahma City Thunder: They maintained their league-worst team shooting percentage by hitting only 41 percent of their shots on the way to surrendering a double-digit fourth quarter lead to the Shaq-less Suns. (The Big Coffee Break got the night off because the Suns play again tonight in Minnesota, and Terry Porter is trying to avoid using him in back-to-back games.) The Klahmans also let the Suns shoot 53 percent and fell to a league-worst 1-14. But that doesn't have Joe Smith feeling down. After the game, Smith said: "We feel pretty good about where we're going." Really, Joe? Really?!

Kevin Durant: Despite being moved to the small forward spot, the 6'9" Durant grabbed only 4 rebounds. He's averaging 4.1 on the season. Meanwhile, the 5'9" Nate Robinson grabbed 3 last night in limited action (he left the Cavs-Knicks game with a pulled groin) and is averaging 4.5 per. As always, I'm just sayin'.

More internal dissent: Some of the :07 Seconds or Less holdovers on the Suns have made vague but pointed comments about the team's new, Shaq-centric offense, particularly since it's killed their running game and transformed Steve Nash into a hybrid of Brevin Knight and Chris Duhon. Last night, Nash (20 points, 8-for-14, 15 assists, 8 rebounds) transformed back into the Captain Canada we knew and loved during his MVP years, particularly during the Suns' fourth quarter comeback when he went 5-for-5 from the field and used his old pick-and-roll trickery to lead Phoenix on an 11-0 run. And, after Kevin Durant hit a three to give the Thunder a late 95-89, Nash scored the Suns' next 7 points to tie the game at 96-all with 48.5 seconds left.

Matt Barnes, who hit the game-winning three-pointer with 25.7 seconds to go, said: "He looked like old Steve. He took over in every aspect. We need Steve just to play his game for us to be the best team we can be, and tonight he did that."

But why hasn't Steve been "playing his game" lately? Nash has a few ideas on the subject. "It sure looks like we're just a little too reliant on Shaq. We're just not quite comfortable playing without him the way we used to play because we spend so much time trying to incorporate him. Terry's been working with us and trying to get us to get back to doing some of the things we used to do, things that we're good at, when he's not on the floor. We're finally kind of getting back to a rhythm that we had without Shaquille. Terry's been urging us to get back there. We have spent a lot of time working on the other stuff, and we've lost our rhythm there a little bit. We found it a bit tonight."

Huh. Makes you kind of wonder who's coaching who, doesn't it?

Goran Dragic: Remember how he was going to be the answer to the Suns' longstanding problem at the backup point guard position? Well, he earned his second-straight DNP-CD last night (and he played only three minutes the last game in which he appeared). And Nash was forced to play 42 minutes despite the fact that the game was the first of back-to-backs. Seriously, should it really take five-plus years to find a semi-dependable backup PG? Whatever. I guess Steve is going to need a few extra X's in his vitamin water.


The Indiana Pacers: They coughed up a 13-point second-half lead and lost to the Mavericks in Dallas, 109-106. It's part of Indiana's continuing habit of losing leads and then losing the game: The Pacers have led at halftime in 12 of their 13 games...but have only five victories. Said Danny Granger: "We just can't seem to close teams out." The problem is pretty obvious, if you ask me. Go-to guy Mike Dunleavy Jr. hasn't appeared in a single game this season. They might be 12-1 if he'd been playing. Sadly, that bone spur in his knee isn't getting any better...

James Singleton: He started in place of the missing Josh Howard (right ankle injury) and promptly sunk to the occasion. In his nine minutes of PT, Singleton went 0-for-2 and finished with 2 fouls and one blocked shot. Unfortunately, it was his shot that got blocked. That gives him an impressive suck differential of +5. To think, he was the Eurobasket All-Italian Lega2 Player of the Year in 2004. And Lega2 is the second-highest division of professional club basketball in Italy. It's a shame James can't do more with that level of basketball pedigree.

The New Jersey Nets: Kobe Bryant had another bad shooting night -- 5-for-17, including 1-for-9 in the first half -- and the Nets still lost by 27. But that'll happen when you convert 34 percent of your field goals, give up 51 percent shooting and force only 9 turnovers. Said Devin Harris: "We did not play like the Nets tonight." Uh, I dunno. I've followed this team for a long time, and it seemed to me they played exactly like the Nets.

Phil Jackson, ego masseur: After the game, the Zen Master addressed Kobe's shooting woes. "I think [being 12-1 is] a good sign and it's a healthy sign. But we want Kobe to shoot the ball well and have big games, obviously. That's the focal part of our offense -- to get things through him. We want to have him be the threat, so that everybody has to overplay and always be concerned with him. That makes everybody else have an easier game." Reading between the lines, Phil seems to want his star to know that he will personally make sure Kobe still gets his numbers. Having had plenty of superduperstar experience with Michael Jordan, Phil understands that, in the long term, it probably won't be enough for Kobe to be on the best team in the league if he isn't also playing like the best player in the league. It wasn't enough for Jordan, and it wouldn't satiate Kobe's desire to dominate. And one of the few things that could derail the Laker Train would be the return of the Mamba.

For the record, the Lakers were only +2 with Kobe on the floor, while they were +29 with Lamar Odom, +25 with Sasha Vujacic, +24 with Jordan Farmar and +19 with Trevor Ariza. Can a team's bench win the MVP? Because right now, L.A.'s bench raiders are the best "player" in the league.

Kobe Bryant: While meeting with the sinister Legion of Doom to discuss the best strategy to use against Aqua Man, Black Manta said, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" Kobe replied "This." and then killed Black Manta.

Update! Typealyzer: Oded, a reader from the far-off (to me, anyway) land of Jerusalem, wrote in to say the following: "The Typealyzer site accurately deducted that YOU are 'The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders.' I think the last sentence is especially on target, don't you? They should probably add a new personality type there -- The Bawful." I feel so naked before the mighty analyzing power of the Typealyzer. They can probably see what I had for dinner last night.

Update! These guys: Idiots.


null - Watch more free videos
[From With Leather via Ball Don't Lie.]

Labels: Caron Butler, daily Kobe, dead coach bounce, Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, internal dissent, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Phil Jackson, Washington Wizards

This is my new favorite thing ever: The Ron Artest video blog!


[Via Ball Don't Lie.]

Labels: crazy people, Ron Artest, The Tao of Ron Artest, video blogging

This is what happens when you don't yell "SAME!"
The Philadelphia 76ers: If the Sixers are going to challenge Boston in the East this season, they need to be able to beat the Bobcats on the road. Last night, they did not, falling 93-84 in Charlotte. Mind you, the 'Cats entered the game shooting 43.0 percent as a team (26th in the league) and scoring only 86.7 PPG (last in the league). Yet, against Philly, they shot 55 percent (and 57 from downtown). They also assisted on 21 of their 34 field goals. The biggest problem was that the Deep-Sixers -- who shot 39 percent themselves -- had no answer for the dynamic duo of D.J. Augustin (25 points, 8-for-11, career-high 11 assists) and Raymond Felton (23 points, 8-for-11, 7 rebounds, 5 assists).

Elton Brand, who shot 6-for-13 and fouled out with under a minute left, said: "They outhustled us on a few loose balls and they knocked down timely shots. We expected to be better than that." We all did, Elton. We all did.

Matt Carroll: His two-minute stint was highlighted by...a turnovers. Congrats, Matt. You just earned a +1.

The Orlando Magic's free throw shooting: Admittedly, I didn't watch the Bucks-Magic game, but I will always find a 54-21 advantage in free throw attempts for the home team a little eyebrow-raising. But whatever. Here's the crazy part: The Magic missed 16 foul shots...which they had almost as many misses as the Bucks had attempts. Dwight Howard, of course, had 10 of the gonks (out of 20 attempts). Said Stan Van Gundy: "It's every game, so I do worry about that."

He's right to worry. Howard currently leads the league in FTA (11.6 per game), but he's hitting only 54 percent of them. He's missed 74 free throws (out of 162 attempts) in 14 games. Several teams don't have a single player who has attempted as many 'throws as Dwight has missed. Currently, there are only eight players in the Eastern Conference who have been awarded more than 74 tries: Ben Gordon, Chris Bosh, Devin Harris, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Paul Pierce, Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter. And there are only 21 players in the entire league who have more than 74 attempts. That's not just a Kryptonite rock to the Magic. That's a Kryptonite nuke. It's not a matter of "if" it'll cost them games. It's a matter of "when" and "how many."

J.J. Redick, quote machine: "I'm starting to feel more comfortable. I missed some shots [against Houston]. ... If my shot starts going in, I'm going to go from playing solid to playing great." Oh yes. Oh yes he most certainly did. I really think J.J. needs to check his game log or else explain how shooting 27 percent on the season is "solid." (Thanks to the anonymous tipster for the head's up.)

Mark Blount: Despite the fact that the Heat were getting dismantled by Dr. Yao last night (28 points, 9-for-15, 12 rebounds, 4 assists), Heat coach Erik Spoelstra stuck with Udonis Haslem on defense. Haslem, for the record, is almost a full foot shorter. Meanwhile, Blount -- the only seven-footer on Miami's roster -- didn't even get off the bench. You know you really suck when...

Michael Beasley, quote machine: The Beasemeister -- who's still listed as 6-10 even though we all know he's not -- said: "We did all right, but Yao's Yao. He's 8 feet tall. Ain't much we can do." Things we've learned so far this season: LeBron's LeBron and Yao's Yao. Glad that's all cleared up.

Yao Watch: Okay. I guess we have to officially call off the Yao Watch. After having his shot stuffed 17 times in Houston's first nine games, Yao has only been stuffed once in his last five games. And dude has been on fire since the Watch started: 21.6 PPG (on 64 percent shooting) and a shade under 10 RPG. And the Rockets won all of those games. (They lost the game he missed against Dallas.) So, Houston fans, feel free to thank me for lighting a fire under your big man.

Dwyane Wade: Despite Yao's big game, the Heat could have won if Wade had played like Wade. Pookie scored 23 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. He also missed five of six three-pointers and committed 5 turnovers. Said Ron Artest: "He played really bad tonight. He didn't play like I'm used to seeing him play." True dat.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The scary bears lost for the seventh time in their last eight games and dropped to 4-10 overall thanks to 39 percent shooting. Much of that was attributable to Rudy Gay (6-for-19, 1-for-7 from distance). Way to waste a surprise double-double from Darko Milicic, Rudy. Speaking of which...

Tim Duncan: The Griz started Darko Milicic on Duncan...and it worked. Darko's lumbering defense helped harass TD into 6-for-18 shooting. I guess we can officially label Darko "The Duncan Stopper."

The Utah Jazz: As if all the injuries (Williams, Boozer, Korver, Harpring) weren't bad enough, the Jazz suffered their first home loss since last March on a last-second jumper from Larry Hughes. The worst part: It was a junk shot off a long rebound.


Of the win, Junokasm said: "Derrick Rose had another solid night (10-18, 25 points, 9 assists), but if he ever puts me through a Larry Hughes 20-footer to win again, I may throw up." No kidding. I'm sure plenty of Jazz fans tossed their cookies after that shot.

C.J. Miles: I know he tried to get there. But still...dotted.

Luol Deng: He's back! Bad groin and all. But he could have stayed away. The final line: 2 points, 1-for-5, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 3 turnovers, a steal and 2 fouls. Chicago fans continue to rejoice that John Paxson didn't at least take a shot at that Kobe-for-Loul and friends trade last season. And by "rejoice" I mean "pray that Paxson develops a terrible rash on his genitals."

EnergySolutions Arena: For some reason, the shot clocks on top of the baskets weren't working, so temporary clocks were put on the floor in the second half. How does that happen? As important as those clocks are, you'd think they'd, you know, test them before the games and stuff.

Greg Oden: Basketbawful reader Sassman was quick to provide a statistical comparison between Oden and our boy the Vanilla Godzilla: "Starter Greg Oden: +/- of -22 in 19 min with 4 TOs. Back-up Vanilla Gorilla: +/- of +23 in 28 minutes to go with a double-double, 2 blocks, 2 steals, 5-6 shooting, and only 1 TO." AK Dave went so far as to suggested that Greg is the new Joel Pryzbilla: "Looks like Greg Oden finally took over the starting spot from Joel Pryzbilla. He took over Joel's production as well: 3 points, 6 boards, zero blocks, 4 turnovers and a -22 +/- rating. Whoah. Meanwhile, the Vanilla Godzilla scored 10, pulled down 12 boards, blocked 2 shots, had a +23 rating, and said very mean things about Beno Udrih's mother, causing him to turn the ball over 6 times. I guess Oden hasn't 'arrived' yet." Tough crowd, tough crowd. Look, while I agree that Oden isn't burning up the nets just yet, I'm just happy he's playing. Every time he jumps or pivots without shattering something inside his prematurely aging body, that's a victory.

NBA.com: From Basketbawful reader Alexis: "Here you can see the box score from tonight's Blazers game versus the Kings. I attempted to highlight where NBA.com noted with an X a missed shot, taken out of bounds, with 0.00.1 seconds left on the clock at the end of the second quarter. I'm not sure who can claim ownership of this fail, whether it would be Steve Blake for taking a shot from out of bounds, or NBA.com for noting this as a 'missed shot.' While I can't claim to know what exactly the point of considering this a shot attempt would be, or whether Blake truly was going for a ninety four footer, I do know there is a fail somewhere in this image."


I'm sure this was just a mistake. Unless, of course, Steve was channeling the spirit of Antoine Walker.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Well, let's see: 38 percent shooting, a double-digit home loss, a 2-10 record, and a trade that's being held up by a player physical. Yep. They are who we thought they were.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: You'd think Dunleavy Sr. would be a little skittish after Eddie Jordan got the ax, but he sounded downright pleasant after his team's 10th loss in 12 games. "I thought there were a lot of good things in the game for us. We had some good ball movement and our energy was really strong through stretches of the game." Way to accentuate the positive there, Mike. By the way, Dunleavy is now the third most-tenured head coach in the NBA behind Utah's Jerry Sloan and San Antonio's Gregg Popovich. Notice how one of these things is not like the others...?

Kobe Bryant: He borrowed Sasha Vujacic's favorite pen but didn't return it. And it was a clicky-top. Sasha loved that pen.

The American legal system (again): A 12-year-old boy was arrested for farting in class. I am being deadly serious. According to The Smoking Gun, police were called when the boy became disruptive, shutting off the computers of classmates and "deliberately passing gas" at his school in Florida. I'm sure the people of Florida are pleased as punch that their tax dollars are being used to wage a war against middle school flatulence.

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Greg Oden, Los Angeles Clippers, Mike Dunleavy Jr., NBA.com, Philadelphia 76ers, the American legal system, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Yao Watch

Congratulations, C.J. You've been dotted...by Larry Hughes.
dot (daht) verb. Describes those situations in which a players attempts and converts a jump shot over the outstretched arm of his defender.

Usage example: Larry Hughes dotted C.J. Miles with a game-winner last night.

Word history: A reader named Nate from Purdue University discovered that a trio of ballers on the Ohio State men's basketball team started a blog called Club Trillion. Loyal Basketbawful readers already know what that means...but here's their introduction:

"We named ourselves 'Club Trillion' because as athletically limited white folk, we found ourselves riding the bench for the Buckeyes. When the time came for us to get in, there would usually only be 1 minute remaining in the game and after sitting down for 39 minutes, we really had no interest in trying to be all that productive. So we devised the plan of trying to get the 'trillion' which occurs when we play 1 minute and do absolutely nothing that would appear in the box score, thus making our stat line say 1 minute played followed by a bunch of zeroes."

That's right. Not only are local NBA broadcasters all over the country now mentioning the trillion during games, there are college basketball players -- bench jockeys, but still -- who have dedicated their very existence to earning one. I would like to think that my exhaustive attempts to promote the trillion these last few years is partly (or even mostly) responsible for this and many other cool things, like toasted subs and the techno privacy scarf.

But I digress. One of the blog authors, who has plenty of time at the end of the Buckeye bench to devise side projects, came up with a "People To Dot" list. Here's how he explained it:

"We have a saying around the program that when someone shoots a jumper over a defender's outstretched arms, said defender just got 'dotted.' This phrase comes from the notion that the defender makes up the long part of the letter 'i' and the ball serves as the dot. We would call it 'dotting the i,' but apparently some other group at Ohio State came up with that phrase just a few days before we did. I suggested calling it 'tittling the i,' but the coaches refused to believe that the dot of an 'i' is actually called a tittle. Plus, that sounds incredibly inappropriate to say out loud. So we stuck with 'dotting.'"

There are a handful of hard and fast rules to the dotting process. They are as follows (note that I revised the author's original list):

1. The defender has to be making an attempt to challenge/block the shot.

2. The shot must go in.

3. The dot must occur in a live game situation.

4. (Optional) The defender must be informed that he was "dotted."

This not only provides something new to watch for when you're chilling out with NBA League Pass, but it provides new trash talk fodder for your pickup games. Of course, since most pickup ballers think "defense" is just "waiting to get back on offense," it might be a while to before you encounter an outstretched arm to shoot over.

Labels: fan submissions, pickup basketball, the dreaded trillion, trillionaire club, Word of the Day

The New York Knicks: The Knicks have spent more time above .500 this season than they have for the past seven years. I didn't do the research to back that up, but it sure FEELS right, doesn't it? Anyway, their mini-renaissance has been nearly miraculous. It might also be over, for this season anyway, because Donnie Walsh traded the team's top two scorers (Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph) for Al Harrington, Cuttino Mobley and Tim Thomas. Bottom line: Walsh was not trying to make the team better. He was clearing payroll. As the moment, the Knicks are committed to only four players and $18 million in salary for 2010. Which is, of course, when LeBron becomes a free agent.

What a way to stick it to the fans, huh?

But Mike 'Antoni is willing to lie about the whole situation if it'll get people off his back. "I really want to dispel the notion that we did it to clear [cap space], which we did. Obviously, we have a long-term plan and that was the plan the very first day. But we're not throwing this year away or thinking that we're not going to make the playoffs, that we're waiting for three years. We're going to go out and develop this team and really fight hard to make the playoffs."

So...you guys didn't do it to clear cap space, Mike? What do you have to say, Donnie? "Opening up cap space down the road for us is a big plus on our side, and I hope our fans understand that can give us an opportunity to make the team better according to the plan that I've outlined. And so I'm trying to be true to what I've said from Day 1." Okay. So they didn't do it to clear cap space. Except they did. Well, that clears things up.

The drama didn't end their, however. 'Antoni claimed that, with Crawford gone, he extended an olive branch to Stephon Marbury. "When the trades went down this afternoon, I said, 'Look Steph, one of the principals are gone, Jamal Crawford. There's 30 to 35 minutes out there, and they're yours if you want them. Are you ready to go?'" According to 'Antoni, Marbury said he "wasn't comfortable with the situation, and he did not want to play. So at that point, I go, 'O.K., that's your decision, and that's fine.' That's it."

Marbury, who taped his ankles for Friday night's game and was on the bench, took the contrarian view: "The only thing I'm at liberty to say is that I was told that they were moving forward, and I'm not the person who chooses who plays or doesn't. Refusing to play is when the coach tries to put you in the game and you say you're not going in. If he asked me to go into the game, I was going into the game. That's why I taped my ankles."

So did he refuse to play or not? Can you clear this up, Mike? "He was in a tough situation. I'm not mad at Steph. But that's enough of the talk because it is a distraction and we need to go forward and we have a new team coming in and we're going to get this done." Oh. Guess not. Whatever, then. As a side note, the shorthanded Knicks lost to the still Michael Redd-less Bucks 104-87. They shot 34 percent and missed 23 three-pointers. Said 'Antioni: "We kind of got down, felt a little sorry for ourselves, probably, and kind of gave in. Our wills gave in a little bit."

I love New York!

Washington Wizards: Their 12-point home loss to the Rockets sent them wildly careening to a woeful record of 1-9 and led to Eddie Jordan's double-facepalm, shown above in all it's Technicolor brilliance.

Brent Barry: Basketbawful reader Jamesjen, uhm, isn't happy with the youngest Barry: "Okay, I'm a Houston Rockets fan, and I was quite accepting of the Brent Barry trade. I'm even very understanding of his wrist injury at the moment. But he's been ZERO for 10 on his three pointers over his last seven games! Over the past three games, he's had a suck differential of -5!! HELP. STOP PLAYING BRENT BARRY, PLEASE."

The Indiana Pacers: They let a winnable home game -- in which they led for over three quarters -- slip away thanks to the decision to go directly at Dwight Howard (24 points, 17 rebounds, 5 blocked shots) for a potential game-winning shot at the end of regulation AND a potential game-tying shot at the end of overtime. Superman blocked both shots. Game over.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They very nearly pulled off a big road win against the 76ers in Philly, but they not only lost a 1-point heartbreaker, they were beaten by a 15-foot jumper launched by prodigal son Elton Brand. But never fear, Clippers fans. Zach Randolph is on the way! He's just like Elton Brand, only fatter and worse on D...a perfect pickup for the Clips (who fell to 2-10).

The Toronto Raptors: From Shayan of Time Intact: "I live in Toronto, am a hoops junkie and therefore a die-hard Raptors fans. But the frustration that last night's heartbreaking loss left me with has pushed me to demand that you include the Raps for your 'Worst of the weekend' edition. We blew an 18-point lead to the lowly Nets. And the icing on the cake? We let Vince Carter, our former love-affair-turned-lithium, stick not one but two daggers down our throats (a 3 bomb to take the game to OT, then an alley-oop dunk in an inbound play to win the game)." Ouch. Almost makes me pity the Canadians. Can their health care system cure...a broken heart?

Shayan also directed my attention to the Fire Sam Mitchell site. With Eddie Jordan gone, I think Sam's got next in the NBA Coaches Unemployment Line.

Vince Carter: Talk about twisting the knife. Carter scored 39 points against the team he screwed the hell over, helping the Nets rally from an 18-point third-quarter deficit to beat the Raptors 129-127 in overtime on Friday. But it wasn't just the points, it was how he scored them. Carter scored NJ's last 12 points in regulation, including a 3-pointer with 0.8 seconds that forced overtime. Carter then won the game with a reverse dunk on Bobby Simmons' inbounds pass with 2.1 seconds left in overtime.

Andrea Bargnani: From Dr. Henry Pym: "When doing your "Worst of the Weekend" post, make sure to point out how not only did the Raptors blow a double digit lead to the Nets tonight, but also make sure to mention how Andrea Bargnani gagged up the game for the Raptors in the final minutes. While he did have a career night, the big idiot committed a horrible foul in the final stretch, AND blew two wide open three pointers in the span of 12 seconds, one was an airball! That takes a special kind of suck." It does. But Bargs is that special kind of sucker.

Sean Williams: The Raptors had their share of defensive lapses in the fourth quarter, which allowed the Nets to come back for the W. A big part of that was because Jermaine O'Neal missed almost the entire final stanza (and overtime). With 11:37 left in the fourth, O'Neal fell backward when Williams yanked O'Neal's jersey while trying to block The Drain's shot. O'Neal landed awkwardly, clutching at his left thigh, above a brace he wears on the knee. Williams was hit with a flagrant, but the damage was done. Here's the tape.


Eric Lewis: File this one under "Whistle Happy Refs." During the Bobcats-Hawks game, Charlotte coach Larry Brown was called for a technical by Lewis after he said "Hey, ref." Seriously. That's it. Joey Crawford would be proud.

Big Baby Davis: Lost amidst the many "KG returns to Minnesota" stories was Big Baby's line: 22 minutes, 0-for-3, 2 rebounds, a steal and 5 fouls. Rumor has it Doc Rivers punished Davis by limiting him to only five post-game Big Macs (which Baby covers in gravy and chocolate sauce, by the way).

Kevin Love's pants: Basketbawful reader Garron thinks Love needs to address the droop in his draws: "Both the commentators of the Celtics-Wolves game on Friday kept harping on about this, but they are right; Kevin Love needs pants that fit. At least once every possession, Kevin Love has to pull up his pants, and in the third quarter, the Celtics caught on to this and kept waiting for Kevin to make his adjustment before driving passed him. There have been worse wardrobe malfunctions (Donyell Marshall anyone?) but this has been the only one I've seen that affects play." What do you think guys? Examples here, here, and here. But the best one's here.

The Utah Jazz: Against the Spurs, Utah was without Carlos Boozer (strained his left quadriceps), Deron Williams (left ankle sprain), Kyle Korver (inflamed right wrist) and Jarron Collins (inflamed right elbow). Which sort of explains the 119-94 loss. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow, though.

Erick Dampier, Gerald Green and James Singleton: All three of these men started for the Mavs...and that's pretty much where their "contributions" ended. Damp grabbed 8 boards, but he scored only 1 point and committed 4 fouls and 2 turnovers. Green had a suck differential of +7 in only five minutes. Singleton logged 30 minutes, scoring 5 points on 1-for-7 (and two of his shots were stuffed). Did I mention these guys STARTED for Dallas? Because they totally did.

Klahma City Thunder: The Thundercats fell to 1-12. Feels more like 1-112. They shot 36 percent and committed 25 turnovers. Nick Collison, who said his team has a "very long" list of issues, said: "No one should feel sorry for us. We’re in a good situation. We've just got to try to play the best we can. That's all we can really do. We can't control much else." Apparently the list of things they can't control includes their bowels, since they keep taking a huge, steaming dump on their fans every time they take the court.

Kevin Durant: Against the Hornets, Durant shot 5-for-13, grabbed only 2 rebounds, had zero assists, turned the ball over thrice, and got two of his shots stuffed. And his team lost by 25. Not a superstar.

The Denver Nuggets: Despite the glittering Won-Loss record since trading for Chauncey Billups, the Nuggets were still casually swatted aside by the Lakers in L.A., proving they're not quite ready to contend for anything than a first or second-round playoff loss. Said Mr. Big Shot: "This team taught us a lesson tonight, and they beat us in every aspect. When you come out against a team like this and don't give 100 percent, it shows." It sure does.

Sasha Vujacic: Loved the 2-for-11 against the Nuggets. Hate the hair, though. The hair's gotta go. When was the last time he washed it, anyway?

The Golden State Warriors: The Bulls haven't won on their Circus trip for 100 years -- okay, that's an exaggeration, but still -- yet they managed to pull out a victory in Golden State behind and offensive explosion from Larry Hughes (26 points,8-for-16, 5 three-pointers). When you allow an offensive explosion from Larry Hughes, you aren't very good.


Dwight Howard: He got a lesson in Post Play 101, courtesy of Dr. Yao Ming, who torched Howard for 22 points, 13 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals and a blocked shot. Meanwhile, Superman was held in check (13 points, 9 rebounds, a couple blocks). Said Dwight: "He's a tough guy to guard. He's very gifted, he shoots the ball extremely well and that sets up everything else in his game. I learn a lot every time I play him." I seriously hope he's being serious, because learning one post move -- JUST ONE!! -- would make him so much better.

Rashard Lewis: He was 6-for-21, including 1-for-9 inside the arc. Were his hands cryogenically frozen before the game?

The Los Angeles Clippers: They put the finishing touches on their winless weekend, a true masterpiece of suck, by suffering a 17-point ball-busting in New Jersey. Yi Jianlian scored a season-high 27 points despite going up against a Clipper frontcourt that includes Al Thornton, Chris Kaman and former Defensive Player of the Year Marcus Camby. Said coach Mike Dunleavy: "Their big guys, especially Yi, were able to follow as a trailer and get some great shots. They shot the ball really well." He then broke down into tears when he realized that defensive "help" in the form of Zach Randolph is on the way.

Joe Johnson: Memo to Joe Cool: If you want to be considered one of the best players in the league, you can't be held to 4 points and shoot 1-for-8 against one of the best teams in the league. That is all. Actually, it's not. Your defense sucked too.

Zaza Pachulia: He was awful for two straight nights but didn't deserve two entries. Atlanta's starting center managed 4 points (0-for-3), 5 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 3 fouls in two games. Can we deport him back to Tbilisi?

The Indiana Pacers: They capped a winless weekend by losing a second consecutive game in which they built an early double-digit lead before falling asleep. And Danny Granger has no idea what's going on. "I couldn't tell you what it is. I don't know if we should let the other teams start winning first, so we can come back in the end." Uh...not a good plan, Danny. Nice try, though. Anyway, Danny might be boggled, but Pacers coach Jim O'Brien -- who watched his team fumble the ball away 21 times -- has an idea. "When we don't turn the ball over, we win. When we turn it over, we lose. It's that simple." Well, then, stop turning the ball over. Problem solved!

The Washington Wizards: They dropped to 1-10 after losing to a shorthanded Knicks team that played only seven guys on the second night of back-to-backs. Said David Lee: "We had seven guys basically running on fumes today from playing 40-plus minutes yesterday." Apparently, "fumes" are all that's necessary to beat the Wiz these days. But despite that, Washington coach Eddie Jordan remained positive, saying: "So even though we've lost and we're 1-10, we don't have losing habits and that’s a good thing." Then he got fired.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Jazz -- still sans Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer and Kyle Korver -- still managed to beat the Grizzlies in Memphis, thanks to 55 percent shooting and 23 points from Mehmet Okur. The Griz also committed 18 turnovers and provided many a SAD FACE to their fans. Said Mike Conley: "It's like they are all little pests out there, slapping at the ball. I think we just got a little too carried away. We started crying to the refs a little bit too much, looking for fouls, instead of staying aggressive." Winning. Attitude.

The Klahma City Thunder: The Good news? They shot 53 percent and got a big-time game out of Kevin Durant (30 points, 11-for-16). The bad news? It didn't matter. They still lost by 12 to the Hornets. The Thunder are now an NBA-worst 1-13, but Earl Watson is still full of the rah-rah-rah: "We played the right way. We've had games where we were close but didn't play the right way most of the game. This time, you could see a different flow." Different flow. Same results. But enjoy the moral victory, Earl.

Greg Oden: He got gobbled up by a man who's almost twice his age (even if he looks half his age). Shaq showed Oden what it means to be The Big Man by going off for 19 points (8-for-12) and 17 rebounds (7 of which were offensive). On the subject of the Big Quote Machine...

Shaq, quote machine: Basketbawful reader SD pointed out that Shaq The Big Shogun now thinks he is the Final Boss in the NBA: "I'm the shogun. And before you get to the shogun, you've got to go through a lot of ninjas. He has to go through Dwight Howard and Yao Ming and by that time, I'll be out of here."


Goran Dragic: The guy who was supposed to help reduce Steve Nash's minutes and thus keep Captain Canada fresh for the playoffs played all of zero minutes against the Blazers. Meanwhile, Nash logged 40. Oh, and speaking of Steve...

Steve Nash: The 16 points (6-for-7) and 7 assists were good. The 8 turnovers? [Holds nose] That's Nashty. Better stop swimming with sharks, Steve.


The Toronto Raptors: Okay. I'm officially removing the "D" from Canada -- it will hereafter be referred to as the Land of Canaa -- because of the Raptor's performance against the Celtics yesterday. Boston reenacted the meteor strike that killed the dinosaurs ("inosaurs"?) by shooting 61 percent from the field (45-for-73) and almost 60 from downtown (10-for-17), thus routing the Raptors. In Toronto. Hand. In. The. Face.

The Return of The Drain: The big question when the Raptors acquired Jermaine O'Neal from the Pacers this summer was "Can he stay healthy?" The answer, dear readers, is "no." I know. shocker. The Drain -- playing despite having strained his surgically-repaired left knee on Friday -- left the game in the second quarter after falling down following a missed jumper. He spent the second half in the locker room getting treatment. "I tried to gauge it and see if I could help the team, but I didn't really have any stability, it was becoming too painful." I promise I didn't cut-and-paste that quote from one of his last three seasons with the Pacers. But I could have.

The Golden State Warriors: They played something resembling defense in Philadelphia, holding the Sixers to 39 percent shooting, and lost 89-81 anyway. But that's what happens when you get abused on the glass (54-38) and give up 22 offensive rebounds. Blocking out: It's not just for prep schoolers anymore.

The Detroit Pistons: Losing by 18 to the Celtics in Boston is bad but understandable. However, losing by 26 to the Minnesota Timberwolves in Detroit is almost a horror beyond imagining. Good Gods, at one point Brian Cardinal and Mark Madsen were in the game AT THE SAME TIME. That's the ultra-dreaded double human victory cigar. PistonsGirl4Life, where ever you are, I'm sorry. Detroit coach Michael Curry, who had no recourse since the NBA doesn't allow you to trade players during a game, said: "My top three guards were 5-for-27, but they've played enough basketball that they know they can't get frustrated. Add in Rasheed Wallace, and it is 8-for-37. You aren't going to win many games like that." Part of that 8-for-37 was Allen Iverson, who scored only 9 points on 3-for-11 shooting. Said AI: "I stunk up the gym tonight. I couldn't do anything right on the offensive end. It was one of the nights you wish you never have, but they happen. It will be tough to sleep tonight." I'm sure nodding off is a lot easier when you're resting your head on a pillow of $100 bills.

The Chicago Bulls: This Circus Trip of Horror continues for the Bullies, who let the Nuggets shoot 54 percent, including a career-best 10-for-10 for Kenyon Martin. Said Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro: "We made some defensive mistakes and gave them some easy baskets." Sure, Vinny. Kind of like how the captain of the Titanic made some navigational errors. Martin, for his part, couldn't remember the last time he'd gone 10-for-10 in a game. "Probably never have—unless it was 1-for-1." he said, smiling. Lots of opposing players smile after playing the Bulls in November.

"D"rew Gooden: Alex D. from Mexico wrote in asking for me to remove the "D" from Gooden's first name: "Rew Gooden let K-Mart have a 10-10 shooting night and grab two important offensive rebounds with less than a minute to play. Also, his three-point attempt with 5.8 seconds left was blocked by Nene." Okay. Done. Anybody need a "D"?

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakeshow has apparently decided that, due to their impressive array of offensive talent, their games are now "defense optional." Which would explain why the Kings shot 53 percent against them (including over 60 percent from inside the arc) in L.A. "I thought we were poor, defensively," said Phil Jackson, proving he still has a way with understatements. The Lakers also committed 17 turnovers which turned into 30 points for Sacramento. But don't worry, Laker fans. They still got their Hollywood ending. I mean, the Kings are still the Kings. Speaking of which...

The Sacramento Kings: Despite making their game against the Lakers semi-pseudo competitive, they still suffered through a winless weekend that saw them get give up 117 and 118 points (respectively) and get outscored by a combined total of 31 points. GO KINGS!!

Update! Vladimir Radmanovic: From "Radman" to RAD, MAN! Love the glasses, Vlad. Or should I call you Moon Unit Alpha? (From Lakerhead Daily via TrueHoop.)


Brad Miller: Ever notice how Miller almost kills one or two people a season on flagrant fouls? Last night's victim was Trevor Ariza, who dashed by Brad the Mad en route to the hoop and got clotheslined to the floor for his troubles. If Brad wasn't so pasty and shapeless, I'd accuse him of 'roid rage. It's worth noting that, amazingly, no flagrant was called...despite the fact the we live in a world where Kenyon Martin can get ejected for setting a pick. The NBA at it's consistent best.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba took the last ice cube from the tray without refilling it and then uttered an evil chuckle under his breath as he walked away. (Submitted by Wild Yams.)

Suck differentialists: Marko Jaric (Grizzlies) +1 against the Spurs; Gerald Green (Mavericks) +7 against the Grizzlies; Louis Williams (Sixers) +4 against the Clippers; Gabe Pruitt (Celtics) +3 against the Raptors; Chris Mihm (Lakers) +2 against the Nuggets.

Trillionaire Club: Javaris Crittenton (Grizzlies) had a one trillion against the Spurs; Ike Diogu (Trail Blazers) had a four trillion against the Kings; Will Solomon (Raptors) had a one trillion against the Celtics; Mark Madsen (Timberwolves) had a two trillion against both the Celtics AND the Pistons; Quincy Douby (Kings) had a two trillion against the Lakers; Tarence Kinsey (Cavaliers) had a one trillion against the Hawks.

Mario Brothers: Jacque Vaughn (Spurs) had a seven-second Super Mario against the Jazz; Von Wafer (Rockets) had a nine-second Super Mario against the Magic; DeAndre Jordan (Clippers) had a 23-second Mario against the Nets.

Labels: double facepalm, Worst of the Weekend

The White Man Jump Challenge continues. I'm now one week into the Advanced Phase of the Strength Shoe training program and the net gain to my vertical leap is currently at just over two inches.

I know. It seems like a rather modest gain for almost two and a half months worth of three-days-a-week workouts. But it's a gain nonetheless. And I have to tell you, even though I'm only jumping a couple inches higher, the training has improved my game in ways that I didn't originally anticipate. I haven't measured my foot speed, but I can tell you that my first step is faster and I'm breaking to the hoop with greater force and authority. Some of that is psychological -- I've become more aggressive off the dribble to test the results of my training -- but some of it is physical as well. I'm getting by and around people easier than I was. I'm finishing stronger.

The funny thing is, my game had been regressing for some time without me realizing it. That is, I had been shooting from distance more and more and driving less and less. Naturally, I had been making excuses for the change in style -- the lane was too clogged, the floor was too dusty, my defender was just going to foul me anyway, etc. -- but in reality I had lost a step and simply had no idea. I wasn't really choosing not to drive. I couldn't. Not as often or as easily, anyway. But now I'm getting that quickness back. I have to admit, that has me pretty juiced up. (Conversely, realizing my physical skills had been deteriorating without notice was somewhat alarming. I definitely had an "Oh my God I've become Antoine Walker!" moment. And let me tell you, that's a terrible moment to have.)

There are, however, some downsides I should probably mention. Technically speaking, I'm overtraining. The program suggests at least a full day (24 hours) of rest between each workout, but I've been lifting, running, biking and/or playing basketball on my "off days" (except Friday). I can't help it; I just don't want to give those things up. The side-effect is that my legs are sore and tired pretty much all the time. I've tried to address this by hydrating, eating right (most of the time), hitting the hot tub at my gym, bathing with Epsom salts, rigorous stretching, self-massage...I've even gotten a handful of actual massages from a professional masseuse (no happy endings, though, so don't ask). These measures help, to be sure, but not so much so that I can feel totally recovered without taking a couple days off from any kind of intense physical activity. This has introduced a rather interesting paradox: I feel both great AND like crap at the same time. Weird, huh?

There's another downside to the overtraining: Based on everything I've read, it's likely retarding my overall progress. It's possible, even probable, that I might have gained even more than two inches of increased leaping ability had I strictly adhered to the program's rest guidelines. But what can I do? I'm not going to stop living my life and pursuing my other goals just so I can jump higher. Maybe the pros have recovery secretes I haven't heard of. Who knows.

Labels: pickup basketball, plyometrics, strength shoes, the incredible one-inch vertical gain, White Man Jump Challenge

I call this photo "The Joy of the Human Victory Cigar."
The Detroit Pistons: There aren't any Bad Boys on this Pistons team. Heck, there aren't even any Moderately Rude Boys. (Okay, okay. Rasheed Wallace probably falls into the "moderately rude" category.) Basically, Detroit got pushed around and beaten up by the Celtics last night. You won't see it in the box score, but that's what happened. There was very little defensive toughness and even less in the way of interior defense. The need for Antonio Keithflen McDyess -- yes, his middle name really is Keithflen -- hadn't yet been so obvious and glaring. Rajon Rondo got to the cup at will. Boston got to the boards whenever they wanted. None of the Pistons were able to fight their way through a pick...and Allen Iverson kept getting knocked around like a ping pong ball by them (particularly when KG's butt was involved). Doug Collins said it best: Detroit is now a finesse team. I'm not saying it can't work -- it did against the Lakers and Cavaliers -- but it sure hasn't worked against the Celtics (as two losses by a combined 30 points can attest).

Honestly, I could probably write an entry for most of the Pistons (Rip Hamilton was 4-for-9, Tayshaun Prince was 2-for-9, Walter Hermann looked like Fabio's evil, greasy twin, etc.) But let's just focus in on...

Allen Iverson: He was torched so badly by Rajon Rondo (game-high 18 points, 7-for-11, 8 assists, 3 steals) that he'll probably be penciling in his eyebrows for the next six to eight weeks. It was stunning to see someone as quick as Iverson get beaten so badly off the dribble. He also made several unfortunate gambles for steals that aided and abetted some of the Celtics fast breaks. The 5-for-13 shooting and 4 turnovers didn't help either.

Rodney Stuckey: From AnacondaHL: "Rodney Stuckey was 1 rebound and 2 assists away from a 15 minute +11 suck differential (0-2, 5 TO, 1 BA, 3 PF)! DAMN IT!" Yeah. Remember, Joe Dumars expects Stuckey to be The Next Big Thing in Detroit. I guess the key word there is "Next"...as in "Not Yet."

I don't care. I'm saying it: Om nom nom nom
Kevin Harlan: During the game, Harlan was presiding over a 'Sheed Watch, trying desperately to predict when Wallace was going to receive a technical foul...even though it never happened. After one call that didn't go his way, Wallace was calmly discussing the situation with an official when that official signaled that Boston had called a timeout. Harlan then exploded with giddy excitement: "Oh! He just got T'd up!" He sounded quite dejected when he had to explain that the ref had simply been signaling for a timeout.


Robert Sarver, Steve Kerr and Terry Porter: I've tried to be patient. I've tried really hard not to overreact. But last night, watching the "Suns" play the Lakers, I became filled with a white-hot rage over what these three men have done to a team I used to love. In their desire to remake the Suns into the Phoenix branch of the San Antonio Spurs (a.k.a. Spurs: Part II), they have transformed something magical into something painfully, achingly ordinary. Apparently, they believe that a Shaq-centric offense is still the foundation upon which championships are built. It is not. And I guess they want Steve Nash to become a latter-day Brevin Knight, dutifully distributing the ball to the team's big men, spotting up, and shooting only when necessary or as a last resort. That's like only using your Lamborghini to do the grocery shopping.

Mind you, Porter claims his team is free to run. Selectively. But that's not how he's calling the shots, so when the Suns do run nobody is filling the lanes or spotting up the way they need to. Nash can't drive baseline or get anywhere near the basket -- which used to be the go-to maneuver from which he found many an open shooter or cutter -- because the paint is now chock-full of Shaq (and often times Amare too). Furthermore, Porter has, amazingly, managed to do something no opposing coach has been able to do for four years: Stop the Nash-to-Stoudemire pick-and-roll. Seriously, Sun Tzu used to get four or five dunks/alley-oops per game. Now it feels like ages between slick pass-and-dunks.

I'm officially living a nightmare...watching a once-beautiful thing suddenly become monstrous and ugly. It's like falling asleep next to Scarlett Johansson but waking up next to Alan Greenspan. Do not try to comfort me. I cannot be consoled. Not only is one of my all-time favorite teams dead, I only just realized that I missed the funeral.

By the way, watching the devolution of Nash -- which, make no mistake, has more to do with how the team is being forced to play than his relative athletic senescence -- made something pop into my head. During Steve's second MVP season, I got into a series of rather heated debates with the Kobe-4-MVP crowd. One of the main arguments that kept getting thrown in my face was Kobe's higher PER (28.0 to 23.3). This was supposedly an indicator that Kobe was making a greater overall contribution to his team's success than was Nash. But I've always argued that a player's PER can be deceiving because it is lowered by the increased productivity of a player's teammates. To wit: Do you know what Kobe's PER is this season? It's 23.3 -- the same as Nash's in '06 -- which puts him at 14th in the league...right behind Al Jefferson. Yet I would be willing to bet my collection of brass Larry Bird door knockers that the same people who used the PER argument against me would totally ignore the fact that Dwyane Wade (33.2), LeBron James (33.1), and Chris Paul (32.3) are light years ahead of Kobe in terms of PER this season.

Don't mistake me, here. I'm not even remotely trying to start an MVP debate this early. In fact, I'd punch myself in the groin if I were. I'm just expressing my continued annoyance at the people, and there are still plenty of them, who use PER without context or perspective.

Amare Stoudemire: I don't know whether he's Standing Tall And Talented after scoring 21 points on 21 shots, but he probably shouldn't be. He would be so much better if he could develop one post move. Just one.

The Phoenix "home crowd": Late in the game, the crowd was cheering for the Lakers and somebody tells me that there was an "M-V-P!" chant for Kobe. Dear God.

Pau Gasol: From Basketbawful reader Jordan G: "My eyes are burning out of my sockets, now oozing down my skin. WHAT THE HELL WAS PAU GASOL DOING?! Was I the only person in the entire world who saw Pau Gasol push Matt Barnes face-first into the hardwood while Stoudamire was at at free throw line? Straight up. Fourth grade bully status. And as he ran down the floor you could hear someone yelling out from the crowd "You pushed him!" and he just gave a shoulder shrug like "Yo no do nada, senor." You could almost read Gasol's mind as if he said, "Dude...you're arguing with the guy that got away with the Chinaman face...didn't you see the Chinaman face?" Yeah, I noticed. But I was too busy hating Terry Porter at the time to care.


Kobe Bryant: His final line looked pretty decent (24 points, 5 rebounds, 3 assists), but he shot 8-for-23 (and 1-for-5 from distance). And, frankly, that percentage was only partly due to the Suns' defense (such as it was). I don't know if Mamba wanted to prove something to Shaq or whether he was having flashbacks to the 2006 playoffs, but he forced up some really TURRIBLE shots last night. Even the broadcast team noticed it. Kobe is currently shooting 44 percent from the field...his worst percentage since 2004-05 (the Lakers' first post-Shaq season). That strikes me as more than a little odd considering how talented the team is. Based on his level of skill and abilities, I would think Kobe should be shooting a much better than that. But, as has always been the case with him, that percentage is often an extension of the kind of shots he takes (read that: forces). Yes, I know he draws a lot of defensive attention, but what superstar doesn't? Even guys without jumpers -- D-Wade (48 percent), LeBron (49 percent) and Chris Paul (50 percent) -- are doing better than that. I'm just sayin'.

Sasha Vujacic: This is belated by a couple days. It's Sasha boning a breakaway layup during the Bulls-Lakers game. Many thanks to the Anonymous commenter who left the link.


Another stupid fan: From Basketbawful reader Alexis: "It's only the first quarter, but I'd like to vote for the guy sitting courtside wearing a Lakers' Shaq jersey. Maybe sit one row back and spend the remaining cash on a current jersey. Get it together." Agreed. He and the "Iverson Who?" fan should get together and have a pajama party. Update! I didn't recognize the fan, but Clifton did: "The guy wearing the Shaq #34 Lakers jersey courtside was Michael Clarke Duncan (picture there). And as far as I'm concerned, if Michael Clarke Duncan wants to wear a two-teams-outdated Shaq jersey, Michael Clarke Duncan can wear a two-teams-outdated Shaq jersey. Sir." Uh, totally agreed.

Awesome jersey! Love it! Wear it often, sir!
Gilbert Arenas, quote machine: Don't worry, Wizard fans! Gilbert will be back soon to save the day! Or...will he? From Basketbawful's faithful Romanian reader Alex B: "Not sure if you've seen this one yet, but here goes. From Gilbert Arenas' new book, Tanking 101 (via the nba.com website): 'I don't want to see them struggle,' Arenas said Thursday at Madame Tussauds, where his wax figure was unveiled, "but if this is one of those years where we don't make the playoffs or we finish in last place...that's what happened to San Antonio and that's how they got Tim Duncan and look at them now...and that's for the better." Uh, Gil, isn't it a little early to start thinking about tanking? Geez.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix Suns, Robert Sarver, Rodney Stucky, Steve Kerr, Terry Porter, white-hot rage

Remember in when I mentioned that little lover's spat between Sasha Vujacic and Trevor Ariza? Well, here's the video. It's like Shaq-versus-Kobe Lite!

Labels: catfights, Los Angeles Lakers, Sasha Vujacic, Trevor Ariza

You might remember Clutch the Bear, Houston's adorable inflatable mascot (one of them anyway), who once gobbled up and then regurgitated an entire cheerleader. Well, Clutch's continuing misadventures had him scaring people...with hilarious results that included a violent nutshot (from a little girl no less) and a mean right hook. Your funny bone is sure to find this video...unBEARable. And yes, I'm going to say that every time Clutch is mentioned on this site.


Danke schön to Dunpizzle for digging this up.

Labels: Houston Rockets, NBA mascots

All of the pictures used in today's post are courtesy of Shayan from Time Intact.

The Washington Wizards: The latest chapter in Washington's 1-8 saga was even more depressing than the previous chapters. The Hawks -- who were without starters Al Horford (sprained right ankle) and Josh Smith (sprained left ankle) -- broke their four-game losing streak despite the missing personnel, 39 percent shooting and 16 turnovers. Atlanta did it by dominating the boards 58-40 [!!] despite, as I mentioned, missing 66.6 percent of their starting frontcourt. The Wiz...they couldn't keep Zaza Pachulia (career-high 18 rebounds, 8 of which were offensive) off the glass. It's called a boxout, guys. Might want to try it some time.

Sadly, Washington had a 4-point lead going into the final minute, but Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams hit back-to-back threes...and Williams' triple was set up by a shot clock violation Washington committed with 32 seconds left. Even Antawn Jamison's post-game diatribe/motivational speech had a feeling of perfunctory helplessness to it. "It’s the same situation. We're just not closing games out. We're making the same mistakes. We've played it over and over again. We can't lose games like we did tonight. We have to stop the bleeding. We have to find a way to win." Good luck with that, Antawn.

Mario Brothers: Last night's Marios include Othella Hunter of the Hawks (25 seconds) and...no one else. Sorry, Othella. You sucked worse than anybody else who played. Your prize -- a bag of flaming poo -- is on its way. Via carrier pigeon.

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had season highs in both points (40) and assists (11) AND he had a career-best 5 blocked shots. Oh yeah, he is back. And how! For the record, since blocks became an official stat, the only other player to have a 40-10-5 game was Alvan Adams of the Phoenix Suns, who had 47 points, 12 assists and 5 blocks against the Buffalo Braves on February 22, 1977. And he only had 3 turnovers. Yet, despite Wade's historic effort, and Shawn Marion's best game of the season (20 points, 10-for-17, 14 rebounds), and the fact that they were playing at home, the Heat lost to the Toronto Raptors.

What happened? Well, they let the regularly disappointing Andrea Bargnani score a season-high 25 points. They also failed to get their hands in the mugs of Toronto's three-point shooters: The dinos were 8-for-8 in the second half, including 5-for-5 from Anthony Parker. Said Parker: "I had a good feel for the shots." Uh, yeah, I guess so.

It also didn't help Miami's cause that they let the Raptors get them down by 17 in the third quarter before yet another comeback attempt...which the Heat have been doing a lot of this season. Wade, who has been promoted to Senior Captain Obvious, said: "You waste a lot of energy when you come back from 10 or more. You don't really want to do that." You also don't want to stick a pencil in your nose. Trust me on that.

Jermaine O'Neal, quote machine: Said The Drain: "We knew they were going to make a run. Of what magnitude we didn't know." This quote just made me think of Admiral Ackbar in Return of the Jedi lisping out "We can't repel fire power of that magnitude!" Thanks, Jermaine.

LeBron James: The King shot 8-for-21 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Said James: "That happens in this league. You have good games and bad games." You know, it doesn't surprise me that the Pistons figured out that if you keep LeBron out of the paint, you have a much better chance of holding him down and beating his team. File that one under "Lessons Painfully Learned."

Ben Wallace: 23 minutes, 3 points, 5 boards, a steal and 2 blocked shots. And only one more season -- after this one -- at $15 million!

Daniel Gibson: Another stellar night for Cleveland's sniping specialist: 1-for-7 and 0-for-4 from downtown. He's hitting only 37 percent of his shots this season, 31 from distance. It makes me wonder what would happen at my Clark Kent job if I suddenly lost the ability to write. Think they'd keep asking me to do it?

Mike Brown, quote machine: "It was like a bunch of their players got together at halftime and said 'Let's bear down and take this game away from the Cavaliers.'" Well, golly gee, Mike. IMAGINE THAT.

Wally Szczerbiak: The Cavs put Wally World on the inactive list so that he can address a personal matter. Which makes me wonder if "address a personal matter" is going to become the new NBA euphemism for "you need to stop sucking, dude." Seriously, though, I hope it's nothing serious. Like maybe he got traumatized when somebody on the team mussed his strangely perfect hair.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Boy, just when it looked like the Sixers had climbed out of the hole, they fall right back in...dropping back to a game below .500 after losing to the Minnesota Timberwolves. It was 'Sota's second win of the year. Said Philly sixth man Willy Green: "They were desperate. They had a sense of urgency all game long. They wanted it more than us. It was obvious." What was also obvious is that the Sixers didn't want to play any defense last night. They let a T-Wolves team that's shooting 43 percent from the field on the season hit more than half of their shots (38-for-74). Wolfman Craig Smith scored a season-high 21 points on 7-for-9 shooting and freaking Sebastian Telfair had 8 assists. C'mon, Philly. You're better than that. Or not.

The 'klahoma City Thunder: The latest stop on their odyssey of awful includes a 20-point home loss to the Los Angeles Clippers. It was win number two for the Clips. The Thunder -- currently the league's worst shooting team (40.7 percent) -- hit their average by clanking 60 percent of their field goal attempts and committing 20 turnovers.

Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas: Despite a the fact that the Clips had what was probably their best game of the season -- even if it was against the Thunder -- these two men still managed to suck. Davis scored zero points (0-for-5) in 21 minutes. Thomas was 1-for-7 in 17 minutes. Mind you, these guys were both free agent pickups; L.A. didn't wasn't forced to take on their contracts in order to complete a blockbuster trade or anything. I'm just sayin'.

Baron Davis, team leader: Following his team's incredible defeat of the Thunder, Cuttino Mobley confided the following: "Baron said before the game, 'You've got to get focused.' He told the whole team that. I was going to try to play as hard as I can and see what happens." If the team needs a motivational speech to get up for the Thunder...it's going to be a long season. But we all kind of knew that already, didn't we?

The New Orleans Hornets: What in the name of Odin is going on in New Orleans? The Hornets were supposed to make The Leap this season. Yet last night, they lost at home -- their third loss in New Orleans Arena already this season -- to the still Kevin Martin-less Sacramento Kings. The Hornets are now 5-5. It's the first time they've been .500 since the end of the 2006-07 season. Said David West: "This is a bad loss for us. We definitely have taken steps back as a team. We're going to have to come together and make a push because right now teams are just walking over us." The Kings sure did. Sacramento shot almost 55 percent from the field. Apparently, the Hornets are employing the vaunted Mike 'Antoni method of stopping people. Which is to not.

Yao Ming: The good news: Dr. Yao didn't have any of his shots blocked last night. The bad news: It's because he sat out of Houston's game against the Dallas Mavericks with a sore left foot, ending his consecutive games played streak at...11. Yao was held out "for precautionary reasons" after leaving Monday's game at Oklahoma City with a left ankle injury. He underwent tests on Tuesday that supposedly revealed no structural damage.

The Houston Rockets: They looked nearly helpless without Yao, scoring only 86 points on 37 percent shooting. AT HOME. Said Rick Adelman: "When you don't have Yao, you've got to move the ball and you have to create situations. We don’t have a lot of guys who can break you down off the dribble." No kidding. The Big Other Two, T-Mac and Ron Artest, were both an identical 5-for-14 from the field.

Brent Barry: I received an email from Basketbawful reader Daniel K with a subject line of "If a washed up Brent Barry isn't in the worsties tomorrow, then I don't know what I'll do." So, to prevent anything dire from happening, here's the rest of what Dan had to say: "With 7:13 left in the second quarter, Brent Barry's corpse has missed two open three's (the only reason he's in the league), and two terrible turnovers." For the sake of posterity, Barry finished 0-for-3 (all from three-point range) with 2 rebounds, an assist, 2 turnovers and a steal.

Luther Head: Gott im Himmel! Will he ever see action again? Head logged his 8th DNP-CD of the season last night, despite the fact that the Rockets were playing short-footed.

Luis Scola: Hands. On. Defense.



The San Antonio Spurs: After several days worth of "They're really pulling together!" stories, the Spurs fell back apart in a tough home loss to the Nuggets in which they scored only 81 points and shot a cold-as-the-girl-who-broke-your-heart-in-high-school 38 percent. Gregg Popovich provided stunning insight into the loss when he said: "Denver played well enough to beat us." Thanks for opening our eyes, Gregg.

Keyon Martin, quote machine: The tough guy with girl lips tattooed on his neck held Tim Duncan to 12 points on stinky 4-for-13 shooting. Said Martin: "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will." Just then, Duncan bent over to take a drink from the water fountain and Martin ran over and chop-blocked him. Note: According to Basketball-reference.com's Head2Head Finder, TD has averaged 22.8 PPG (on 50 percent shooting) and 12.6 RPG against Kenyon Martin.

Jerry Sloan, coaching genius: What did Sloan tell his players to do when they fell into an third-quarter hole against the Bucks? Ronnie Price said: "Coach told us to pick it up, push the ball up the court and make some plays on defense." I know it sounds simple, but...no, it's actually pretty simple.

Andrei Kirilenko, four-star General Obvious: "It's good to keep winning, but we need to stop losing people. We won, but if we keep losing people that's not good. Other things that aren't good include: Nuclear war, dead puppies and Andrei's hair.

Kosta Koufos: Basketbawful reader Justin T. writes in that: "Koufos played nine minutes and had a rebound. And a foul. And also, he had a rebound. That is all." Fun fact: Justin has a fantasy team named "A.C. Green's Virginity." Which, somewhat ironically, is more fantasy than the real A.C. ever had in his life. Speaking of which, visit the A.C. Green Youth Foundation Web site to learn more about the joy of not making nookie. Not having sex worked for A.C., and it will work for you too! (Example: Reason number 18 to abstain is "You begin to compare sexual experiences, leading to lots of disappointments." Actually, that's just a sign you're having the WRONG experiences. Any lovely ladies out there who are laboring under this misconception are encouraged to contact me directly for more information.)

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: He shot 2-for-10, but whatever. The real reason I brought him up is to announce his official Basketbawful nickname: Jean Luc Richard. Which is a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference in case you don't get it. However, I still reserve the right to refer to him by "Labia mud charm toucher" or "I'm a dumb, urethral coach."

The Chicago Bulls: Well. Their 116-74 drubbing sure got some people riled up. Such as Sun Devil, who sent in the following equation: "Joel Przybilla ^ 21 minutes + Chicago = 20 minutes of carnage! it was a winning formula."

From Junokasm: "The circus was not in Chicago tonight, it was in Portland, where the Bulls turned the ball over 21 times. Just plain embarrassing. I see one player in the Bulls future that is currently on this team. How does a roster just forget to play defense? Joel Pryzbilla 6 for 6??! Ike Digou more than tripled his total season scoring in one night. That's right, Ike Digou. Do Kirk Hinrich, Chris Duhon, and P.J. Brown strike you as defensive stoppers? Maybe Malik Allen or Adrian Griffin? Viktor Khryapa? Because that's the difference between this Bulls team and the 2006 team that was supposed to lead to a Post-Jordan Bulls renaissance. That and a coach who wouldn't take crap from his players. Am I missing something? Too late and too tired." Ouch.

Speaking of coaches, Sami wrote in to say the following: "Can I cast my vote for 'Worst Coach of the Year'? Is there even one? Well, there should be. 'Cause Vinny Del Negro would freaking run away with it. I came to this conclusion after watching the first quarter of the Bulls-Blazers game. 13 first-quarter points scored, and they trail by 21. That's 1.1 points per minute. Seriously, watching the Chicago offense is like trying to watch a short, fat kid jumping for a Twinkie. It's disheartening. Drew Gooden taking shots from 21 feet, Tyrus Thomas (or should I say Torus) chucking up a lot of 'what the hell was that' shots. Some ball movement, little player movement. They just pass until one of them drives or pulls up for a crappy contested jumper. All of this while Vinny watches from the sideline, with a look on face that says, 'I really shouldn't have been drinking when I accepted this job.' Yeah, they horrible." Okay. Consider your vote cast.

Finally, Caseta wrote in with a note on Luol Deng (known by the Chicago Sun-Times as Lull Dens), who missed last night's game with a groin injury:

Speaking of deng, i was playing NBA 2K9 with the Bulls against Deng's team (I traded his soft butt ASAP) and at one point he made a layup. The two commentators then had the following exchange:

Commentator A: He lays it softly of the glass.

Commentator B: He really has a soft touch, doesn't he?

Commentator A: Some people like to take it hard to the rim, but not him. He prefers to use his soft touch around the rim.

(Not 100% accurate, but this was the idea) This got me thinking, "Damn, this game is soooo realistic. Not only is Deng made soft, but he gets picked on because of it. I can't wait to see if they call Shaq "fat" or Marbury "retarded."

Yay, Bulls.

Kobe Bryant: The Mega Powers EXPLODED last night when, during their match against The Twin Towers, Kobe not only refused to tag Hulk Hogan out, he SLAPPED Hogan in the face, took the Hulkster's World Title belt, and stormed back to the locker room. Fortunately, Hulkamania still ran wild and Hogan managed to defeat the Twin Towers by himself. After the match, Kobe accused Hogan of trying to steal manager Miss Elizabeth from him. Hogan implored Elizabeth to try and talk some sense into Kobe. Then out of nowhere, Kobe attacked Hogan by hitting him in the face with the title belt, sealing the end to their partnership.

Labels: Worst of the Night

I just received the following email from Basketbawful reader Greg:

"I decided to vote for the All-Star Game on NBA.com. I voted for Aldridge, Amare, Roy, Nash, and Oden in the West and Bosh, LeBron, Calderon, Wade, and Howard in the East. After I finished, the page showed my picks and they were completely wrong. The headshots were right, but the names didn't match who I voted for at all. Have a look and you will see what I mean. Nice job NBA. It's like like the refs from last night's Blazers/Warriors game made the site."

Here's the shot. It's actually pretty funny.



Whoa. You're looking a little leathery there, Brad. Better stop spending so much time at the tanning bed. It's obviously aging you prematurely. Peja's looking pretty suave, though...

Labels: All-Star Game, NBA.com, who did I vote for

Is it just me, or does it look like he's pooping outYi Jianlian? Please tell me I'm not the only one.
Today's picture was provided by Geert.

The Orlando Magic's "defense" on Chris Bosh: It's not just the 40 points or the 18 rebounds -- 7 of which were nabbed off the offensive glass, by the way -- it's also the fact that he shot a near-perfect 14-for-19 from the field AND went to the line 16 times. And lest you think last night's eruption was a fluke, allow me to turn your attention to February 20, 2008, when Bosh also dropped 40 points on the Magic...by shooting 14-for-16 from the field and 11-for-11 from the line. He also had a 39-pointer against the magicians in last year's playoffs.

The Toronto Raptors: Bad Sign #127 -- Your star player completely and totally dominates and yet you still lose by double-digits. Although, to be fair, the absence of starting PG Jose Calderon (strained right hammy) might have had something to do with it: The mighty dinos turned the ball over 21 times (including 7 for Calderon's replacement Will Solomon) while registering only 12 assists. Oh, and speaking of Solomon...

Will Solomon: Oh dear God, Will, why? Why?!


It's not quite as bad as Zach Randolph's Worst Possession Ever...but it's damn close. Top five, for sure. Muchas gracias to the anonymous commenter who provided the link.

Courtney Lee and Marcin Gortat: They COMBINED to play eight minutes, finishing with 0-for-2 shooting and 1 personal foul BETWEEN them. That's a two-man suck differential of +3 off the bench.

Hassan Adams: Turned in his third trillion performance of the season with a one trillion against the Magic. He is still averaging a one trillion, by the way. That's right. AVERAGING.

The Atlanta Hawks: Yup. They are who we thought they were. The dirty birds lost their fourth straight game (following the 6-0 start) by letting the Pacers shoot 55 percent against them (including 61 percent from downtown). I don't even have it in me to detail all the crappy performances Mike Woodson got out of his team...except for Randolph Morris, who sounds like an unfiltered cigarette. He finished with 3 personals and 0-for-1 shooting in almost eight minutes of PT.

The Charlotte Bobcats' starting lineup: They COMBINED to score 26 points, 6 fewer than Dirk Nowitzki had against them (and only 5 more than D.J. Augustin had off their bench). They shot 9-for-39 and committed 9 turnovers (compared to only 6 assists). The 'Cats started the game 0-for-9 from the field 0-for-2 from the foul line with three turnovers -- at one point, Raymond Felton stepped on the sideline with nobody within 10 feet of him -- before Augustin scored Charlotte's first two points...with 5:20 left in the first quarter. "It looked basically like the varsity scripting plays against a rec team out there," said Gerald Wallace, who finished with 8 points on 3-of-13 shooting. "They did whatever they wanted to do." You aren't wrong, Gerald.

The Washington Wizards: Coach Eddie Jordan said: "We don't have rhythm, we don't have harmony, we're trying to incorporate chemistry." And that was BEFORE his Wiz lost to the Heat at home to drop to 1-7 on the season. Afterwards, he had this to say: "This team is built a certain way, fellas. This team is built for Gilbert Arenas to lead us. This team is built for our All-Star forwards to carry the wings for us, and for Brendan Haywood to have a career year manning the middle for us. We don't have those things. And this team, you're asking people to do things that they're not capable of doing. They're not capable of carrying the load for us like a Dwyane Wade, like a Gilbert Arenas. You've got young guys who aren't going to make veteran plays night-in and night-out. You put all those things together, and to be in the game is a credit to everybody in this organization right now. You've got to stay positive, but you've got to be realistic about things." Ooooookay. At least Eddie can finally fall back on the "We don't have Gilbert Arenas" excuse. He's been sitting on that one for a while. It's going to be a long season in Washington, folks.

Update! Andray Blatche: Bulletproof (real nickname) released a foul wind on the Washington bench...from which there was NO ESCAPE. People in Chicago are always doing that on the elevator. Just FYI. I found this at Ball Don't Lie, but you can see stills of the entire odorous incident as it went down at Truth About It.


The New York Knicks: They were within 4 points with 1:14 left when Brian Scalabrine -- oh yeah, you read that correctly -- hit a dagger three-pointer to pretty much close the deal. I'm pretty sure "not setting Brian Scalabrine beat you" is a prerequisite for winning in the NBA. I'd say that the Knicks weren't guarding him because, you know, he's Brian Scalabrine. But Mike 'Antoni teams don't guard anybody, which would explain why Boston (shooting 44 percent on the season) hit 53 percent of their field goals last night.

Quentin Richardson: From Basketbawful reader RM: "I'm a long time reader who's never posted a comment, but you HAVE to put this in your WotN. After the Knicks-Celtics game, Quentin Richardson said: 'I'm just real curious to see what those guys will be saying if we weren't in a basketball league and didn't have referees. I mean, it wouldn't be the same story. I mean, they are the world champions and rah, rah, rah, but the tough part I don't factor. I come from a neighborhood where you can say what you want to say, but until you do something, it don't mean nothing.' What the hell?! A championship isn't considered doing something in the NBA anymore? And I'm pretty sure that toughness and defense is exactly how they did it. Besides, toughness comments coming from someone on a team that has teerrrrribbbbllleeee defense is just damned retarded." Seriously. Put the dumb pills down, Quentin.

A few more if Q's choice words: "I think a few of those guys know they can’t just say anything to us.... Some of those guys are happy to get a ring, but you ain't been in the league long enough to talk to people like that. I don't have a lot of respect for that. Like I said, I'd be curious to hear what they have to say in a different setting. I'd be very curious to see that." I'm sorry, but really, when did Quentin Richardson become a "tough guy"? Did I miss something? Does he suddenly think he's all manly and stuff because he plays in New York?

The New Jersey Nets: They shot 36 percent from the field and had more turnovers (13) than assists (12). Which makes sense when you consider their shoot-first PG did the same thing (5 TOs to only 4 ASTs). Speaking of Devin...

Devin Harris, excuse machine: He had breakaway dunk attempt blocked by LeBron James and was quick to try and explain it away after the game. "He's 6-9 and 260. You try to quick dunk him if you can. If not, hey, he got a piece of it. He came back and he played it. If I had a good ankle, now that would be something to think about." That's right, people. It was just the bad ankle. And he would have totally schooled that British guy in the sweater if only he'd known the guy could ball. Blah, blah, blah. Here's the block. Sorry the previous video was wrong.


LeBron James: Before Cleveland's game against the Nets, King James let everybody -- and by "everybody" I mean the Cavs management -- that he won't hesitate to leave Cleveland if another franchise offers him a better chance to win championships (and, presumably, bags and bags of money plus a secret volcano lair carved in his likeness). Said the King: "I think you do what is best for you and you do what is best for your career." Feeling the love yet, Cleveland? Mind you, this is the same guy who complained (bitterly) about his home crowd wanting free chalupas the other night. I guess you can only do what's best for you if you're LeBron James, huh?

Bizarre injuries: From the AP recap's game notes: "Cavs coach Mike Brown seemed to pull a hamstring retrieving a loose ball in the game." Wow.

Lorenzen Wright and Trenton Hassell: Trenton saw Lorenzen's one trillion and raised him a four-minute, 1-foul stint that earned him a +1 suck differential. Anything Wright can suck, Hassell can suck better.

The Sacramento Kings: Last night made it official: The Kings are worse than the Memphis Grizzlies. They let the teddy bears shoot 54 percent (62 from beyond the arc) and outrebound them 46-33...a solid effort on the Suck Fail Scale (I give it a 7.6). Rookie forward Jason Thompson, who had two of his shots blocked (a game high!), said: "Some of the stuff [the Grizzlies] were doing, it happened so fast that we weren't reading our coverages, and guys were missing assignments." When the Grizzlies are moving faster than your senses can accurately perceive, you really need to have those senses checked by a licensed medical practitioner. They did hold O.J. Mayo to only 11 points, though. Sometimes it's the little victories that count, even though they aren't real victories. Oh, and a special callout goes to Quincy Douby, who went 0-for-9 off of Sactown's bench.

The Milwaukee Bucks: When Austin Croshere is your second-leading scorer on the night, you know something has gone terribly, horribly wrong.

Andrew Bogut: The line: 2 points, 3 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 4 fouls in 16 minutes. I'm sorry, Milwaukee Bucks. You can't take that $60 million extension back.

Here's a fun little extra: Bogut quotes from when he got that extension: "I don't feel comfortable talking about $60 million, whatever I'm making a year. At the end of the day, you're putting a ball in the hoop and making a very good living for it. It's very humbling in that sense. I've got some people, my trainer (Sinisa Markovic) for one, he'll slap me around if I change. I've got some friends that are pretty hard on me in a way. I don't just have 'yes' people around me. I need people around me to tell me how it is. You never know what can happen in the future, but I don't see myself changing too much. I think I'm just a regular guy that plays basketball." Yup. Just a regular guy who plays basketball, earns $10+ million per year (starting next season) and high fives invisible teammates. You know, just like you and me.

A stupid Nuggets fan: Our buddy Ben Q. Rock of The Third Quarter Collapse provided the following write-in: "It's pretty ridiculous for a guy to hold a sign saying 'Iverson Who?' while wearing an Iverson jersey. It's like, dude, just check your own clothing if you've forgotten who the guy is. God." And here's the idiot in question:

Pssst. You might wanna look at the back of your jersey...
The Chicago Bulls: They might have actually had a chance to beat the Lakers last night...if not for those 22 turnovers. They also got 11 of their shots stuffed. Said Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro: "I thought we forced some things inside, and their guys are so long that they're going to block some shots. We made a couple of bad judgments going up, and you're not going to go over those guys very often because they're so long. You've got to get into their body and be physical. It was kind of an up-tempo game at times and we got a little sloppy with the basketball." They're so long, you gotta get into their body. No comment.

Luol Deng: He was 4-for-11...and only 2-for-8 on his jumpers. Man, remember when Deng had that sweet midrange stroke? Maybe you don't, because it's been missing for a year and a half. But trust me, at one time, a Deng jumper felt like an automatic. Now it's only an automatic miss and a potential fast break for the opposing team.

Luke Walton: His season of woe continues: 3 minutes, 0-for-2, 1 rebound, 1 foul. At this point, even his former stalker wants nothing to do with him.

Sasha Vujacic and Trevor Ariza: Did anybody else notice their little lovers' spat last night? I think Sasha must still be upset about that chest bump...

The Portland Trail Blazers: I'm sure Blazers Nation is heaving a deep, shuddering sigh of relief over Greg Oden's performance (22 points, 8-for-12, 10 rebounds, 2 blocked shots), but their team lost a very winnable game due to 21 turnovers and 9 missed free throws. And 5 of those TOs belonged to Mr. Oden...and he had the ball knocked out of his hands twice in the last few minutes while he was winding up for the slam. Said Oden: "I want to put that loss on me. We were scrapping, trying to get it back, and it just didn't seem to go our way. We've got to take care of the ball. You can't expect to beat somebody in their home gym by giving them 21 extra possessions." Pretty much, yeah.

LaMarcus Aldridge: For one night he actually played like Tyrus Thomas: LaMarcus finished with more fouls (6) than points (4) or rebounds (4). He also shot 2-for-7 and had 3 turnovers.

The team formerly known as the SuperSonics: I got the following email from Basketbawful reader Samahn that I had to share: "You should also call the Thunder the 'klahoma City Thunder since they have no Offense at all...besides Durant dribbling and chucking up contested jumpers that clank off the rim. That whole 1-10 record isn’t by accident." Done. The 'klahoma City Thunder they shall be.

The American Legal System (again): Prepare for a jolt to your hate bone: The city of Attleboro, Massachusetts, sent Eileen Wilbur -- a 74-year-old blind woman -- a letter threatening to put a lien on her home...because of a one-cent overdue water bill. Oh yes they did. I'm so glad that our government, which has been paying billions of dollars to bail out rich guys, found time in its busy kitten-drowning and orphan-baking schedule to bully an old, disabled woman over a piece of currency that 100 percent of elected officials wouldn't even bend over to pick up if it was laying on the sidewalk. Antonio Viveiros, a former city councilor, paid Wilbur's bill in full.

NBA attendance: Ball Don't Lie has an interesting post about how lousy fan attendance has been at NBA games this season. I have my own thoughts on this, but I'm curious about what you folks think. Are you lovin' it live? Why or why not?

Kobe Bryant: He called a friend on the East Coast from the Lakers locker room even though he has a cell phone plan with free long distance and unlimited minutes. THAT'S A LONG DISTANCE CALL, KOBE!!!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Lebron James, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic, the American legal system, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Basketbawful reader Wira sent in this pic of Kobe and A.I. engaged in what must have been a jocular conversation. But, uh, Mamba? Tweaking Iverson's nipple is not "The Anwser."


Memo to the Phoenix Suns: Grabbing A.I.'s junk isn't "The Answer" either. Thanks to Clifton for the photo.


An anonymous commenter left this picture of Tim Duncan and friends. (In fact, note the triple Duncan face.) One time in high school, me and my buddies had the same guilty look my mom walked in on us watching Cinemax After Dark. We weren't tangled in a sweaty mass of man-flesh, though.


Basketbawful reader Murcy spotted the following alert on NBA.com last night: Not only did T-Mac hurt his knee, Yao and Ron-Ron got banged. But just a little.


And finally, Stephanie G sent in this...uh...whatever it is.

Labels: fan submissions, man love

I'm not sure, but I think Yao is tryingto indicate that he was fouled.
Tracy McGrady: You'd better sit down for this, because it's going to be quite the shocker: T-Mac left last night's game against the Thunder in the opening minute of the second half after hurting his left knee, which was sliced open during the summer to have "loose bodies" removed. And, even more shockingly, he didn't return.

Said McGimpy: "Tonight I went back to square one, even before surgery, is how my knee is feeling right now. I want to play, man. I want to play. Just to get off to this start, for me personally this is a bad start. To have to play your way through an injury that I've never had before and a surgery that was my first surgery is very frustrating. My game is really based on athleticism, and that's something that I don't have right now. I've never had any relief because I've just been trying to work my way into playing shape and strengthen my leg. I've never been 100 percent. I've just been trying to play, hoping that playing on it will take me over the edge and I don't have any more pain. It hasn't worked in my favor. It's sharp pain. It almost just seems like I never had surgery. I'm feeling the same pain."

Let me say up front that I know exactly nothing about Tracy's surgery or any rehab he's been doing since then, so I fully admit I'm talking out of my you-know-what here. But when I think about T-Mac, I can't help but compare him to Kobe. They're similar players with similar physical abilities and basketball skills. The big difference is that Kobe absolutely kills himself training to become the best player alive. This has been well-publicized. I've never read or heard anything about McGrady pushing limits or breaking personal barriers during the offseason. And, frankly, he doesn't strike me as that type of guy. If Kobe'd had loose bodies removed from his knee, I would imagine he'd bust his butt rehabbing and working out to make that joint stronger than ever. McGrady? I don't think he did that...which is why he's struggling now. I know I might be way off on this. But it's just a gut feeling.

Anyway, like I said last week...you can probably hold off on ordering those 2009 NBA Champion Houston Rockets t-shirts...

The Yao Watch: Egads. A second straight game without having one of his shots blocked. This is almost certainly the result of a reverse stat curse. However, Yao did suffer a left foot injury last night. And yes, that's the same foot he broke last season. It doesn't sound like it's serious...yet. But it sure makes me nervous.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: That's 1-10 now. In case you're keeping track at home.

The Phoenix Suns defense: They gave up 109 points to a Jazz team that was still missing two starters (Deron Williams and Mehmet Okur) and started Jarron Collins at center. So much for Terry Porter's "defense first" philosophy. Uh, Terry. If they're not defending or running, you might as well be coaching a lottery team. And there's a lot of season left, so that's not outside the realm of possibilities.

Shaq: The Big Cactus battled foul trouble all night and finished with 9 points on 3-for-11 shooting and one lonely rebound. Yes, you read that correctly. Shaq had just one board in almost 32 minutes of PT. (The only other time that happened was March 29, 1999, against the Vancouver Grizzlies. However, that was during Dennis Rodman's short stint with the Lakers...and Rodman grabbed 17 rebounds.) Said the Diesel: "I had two quick fouls, so I had to go to my finesse game." Here's the problem with that: Shaq never had a finesse game. And it showed. Even worse, Shaq had three shots blocked, including back-to-back swats by Andrei Kirilenko in the fourth quarter. You can watch all three blocks here.

Another quick note on Shaq. He was fined $25,000 for verbally abusing officials and not leaving the court in a timely manner when he was ejected Sunday for almost killing Rodney Stuckey. And as an anonymous commenter noted, this wasn't a first for the Big Flagrant. The last time the Suns faced the Pistons, last February, Shaq put Amir Johnson on the floor.


And let's not forget how, back in the 2006 NBA Finals, Shaq almost broke Jerry Stackhouse's nose (for which Jerry went after a little payback a game later). I guess Shaq really likes picking on guards. And Greg Ostertag.

Internal dissent: After last night's loss to the Jazz, Steve Nash said: "We don't really run that well. They're a good running team at home and we're not really a running team at the moment." This comment came just a week after Raja Bell complained about the team not running enough. And it wasn't the first time Captain Canada has sounded tepid on the Suns' new slow-it-down style. Last week, he noted that: "When Shaq plays (well) it's great. We're much more deliberate. I just hope we find the versatility and balance. When Shaquille isn't on the floor, we're not a team that's built for half-court basketball." Shaq, of course, keeps saying that championships are won "inside-out" (Translation: Get the ball to me). Terry Porter says he's fine with his team running...but that's not how he's calling the shots right now. This might just be transition pains as the Suns learn a new brand of ball. But if the team continues to be so inconsistent, you can probably expect continued grumpiness from the :07 Seconds or Less holdovers.

Louis Amundson: Basketbawful readers Garron and Jason K were quick to notice that the 2006 D-League Rookie of the Year had a 19-second Mario against the Jazz.

Jarron Collins: As noted above, he started at center for the Jazz. His line: 12 minutes, 0-for-2, 2 fouls, for a glorious suck differential of +4 (as noted by Basketbawful reader Filip).

The Los Angeles Clippers: They are now 1-9. And eight of those games have been at home. The Clippers have gone straight to suck. They did not pass GO. They will not collect $200. (But Baron Davis will get $65 million over five years.)

Speaking of B-Diddy, he could have tied it at the buzzer, but his turrible three-point attempt had as good a chance of reaching the moon as the basket. Said Davis: "Basically, we were trying to get like a misdirection and get me coming off the wing for a 3. But they read it right. And when I caught the ball, I had two guys on me and almost a second and a half to get a shot up with Tim Duncan -- one of the best defensive players -- standing in my face."

It was just another bad shot in a night full of 'em for the Clips. And coach Mike Dunleavy wants everybody to know that his players are chucking up some ugly ones. "We had some situations on turnovers that were careless turnovers, but the biggest factor to me was shot selection. We probably had 10 bad shots in this game. You can't give that many possessions away and expect to win. Until we get the discipline we need, as far as taking good shots and not making careless turnovers, we're going to struggle." Man...if only the Clippers had somebody to teach and instill discipline in the players. Who's supposed to do that again? Oh. Yeah. The coach.

The Fabulous Oberto: Caleb "the nailbiting Spurs fan of Brisbane" was not pleased by what he saw out of the Fabulous One last night: 14 minutes, 0-for-1 shooting, 1 assist, 1 turnover, 1 foul. Usually, it's a bad sign when your starting center doesn't grab a single rebound and is thoroughly outperformed by backup Matt Bonner (7 points, 4 rebounds and 1 blocked shot).

Steve Novak: He surpassed last Saturday's Mario with an 8-second Super Mario against the Spurs. You keep reaching for the stars, Steve!

George Karl: Yesterday, Denver Stiffs ran a post about how Karl -- surprise, surprise! -- had some rather unflattering thing to say about the recently-departed Allen Iverson: "There are less bad plays, more solid plays. I think the wasteful, cheap possessions that we used to have 10 to 15 a game, they don't exist very much anymore. We have contested-shot charts, bad-shot charts and cheap defensive possessions. I would say that when A.I. was here, we had most games in the teens of contested, tough shots, sometimes in the 20s. And I don't think we've had a double-digit one since (Billups has) been here." And more: "I don't think there's any question coaching a team for many minutes, without a passing and point guard mentality, is frustrating for a coach. Sometimes I saw something, but I couldn't get it done on the court because I didn't have a playmaker out there."

Reading between the lines isn't too had on this one: The team's failure wasnt MY fault, it was ALLEN IVERSON'S fault. So add A.I. to the list of players who have failed Karl, which includes Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, Ray Allen, Sam Cassell, Glenn Robinson. (Note that three of those players won championships without Karl.) I'm sure Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups will be added to this list some day.

The American legal system: From Yahoo! news: "A homeless man has been sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay more than $101 million for starting two fires, including one that burned more than 163,000 acres in California two years ago." I get the jail time and, in fact, think the duration is a little short. But, seriously, what's the point in sentencing a homeless man to a $100+ million settlement? What does it accomplish? You might as well force him to remunerate in Wonderflonium or Space Gold. Here's a little reality check, Judge Whoever. If that man could pay back even $100 -- let alone $100 million -- he wouldn't be living in a cardboard box and eating out of dumpsters. But I'm sure this steep sentencing will scare other transients from starting fires in the future. Anyway, on the subject of the American legal system...

Mark Cuban: The latest scandal -- accusations of insider trading -- probably has him yearning for those halcyon days when all he had to worry about was keeping bloggers out of his locker room. Of course, Cuban, as always, remains defiant.

Kobe Bryant: He drank the last cup of coffee without making a new pot. AK Dave: "IF YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO!! YOU KNOW THAT, BABY!!!!"

Labels: George Karl, injuries, internal dissent, Los Angeles Clippers, Oklahoma City Thunder, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, The Fabulous Oberto, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night, Yao Watch

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute. It's not just a name, it's an epic journey into the unknown. And Basketbawful reader flitzy bravely delved into that riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Here's what he found...

I couldn't resist putting Luc Richard Mbah a Moute's name in an online anagram generator...and here are some of the better phrases I found. If he isnt a clear-cut drab or a labia mud charm toucher, I dont know who is.

1. Ouch! I'm a bald, true charm.

2. A chaotic, abler humdrum.

3. I am brutal or much ached.

4. Ho-hum! I am clear-cut drab.

5. Touch! Bum diarrheal cam.

6. I'm a dumb, urethral coach.

7. I'm a bad, cruel, macho hurt.

8. Labia mud charm toucher.

I think my favorite is "Touch! Bum diarrheal cam," but then scatalogical references always make me chuckle. Feel free to vote for your favorite. The winning phrase will become Mbah a Moute's official Basketbawful nickname.

Labels: fan submissions, fun with names, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute

Editor's Note: I didn't have time to incorporate all the submissions for Worst of the Weekend due to some harsh deadlines at my Clark Kent job. So don't think it's because I don't love you.

Indiana Pacers: They had a 36-13 lead after one quarter of play. And lost. At home. "The NBA is a game of runs, and it's unfortunate to say you get up 20 in the first quarter and get nervous about it," center Jeff Foster said. Well, I can tell you this: Committing 19 turnovers (which the Sixers turned into 21 points) and giving up 20 offensive rebounds is enough to make any team nervous...and give them the "runs."

Andre Iguodala: Iggy shot 2-for-12 from the field. On the season, he's averaging 12.4 PPG on 37 percent shooting. Clearly he's having trouble adjusting to Philly's personnel change. Then again, he did sign that $80 million contract last summer...so we might be witnessing the standard Contract Year Phenomenon fallout.

Maceo Baston: He had a six-second Super Mario against the Sixers.

The Utah Jazz: The Jazzercizers were missing Deron Williams (ankle), Andrei Kirilenko (finger) and Mehmet Okur (with his sick father in Turkey), which pretty much explains why they shot 43 percent and had more turnovers (20) than assists (17) in a 104-96 loss to the (ugh) Bobcats. But still: A lousy performance is a lousy performance. Said Jerry Sloan: "When they put pressure on us, we went crazy a few times. That's when we either turned the ball over or took tough shots with no purpose." Pretty much, yeah.

Jarron Collins and Kyrylo Fesenko: They earned DNP-CDs despite how shorthanded the Jazz were. You know Jerry Sloan hates you when...

The Atlanta Hawks: Everybody has been talking about how Devin Harris scored 30 in his return, but Atlanta's real failure was letting rookie Brook Lopez go off for 25 points (11-for-17), 9 rebounds, 4 blocked shots and 2 steals. I'm pretty sure that "ability to stop Brook Lopez" is sort of a prerequisite for winning in the NBA.

Mario West: Our boy had a seven-second Super Mario against the Nets. It's worth noting, however, that West managed to grab an offensive rebound in his latest :07-seconds-or-less stint. He's trying. He really is.

The Washington Wizards: Okay. This team is really starting to depress even me. They fell to an Eastern Conference-worst 1-6 after getting steamrolled by the Heat. The Wiz scored only 77 points. They shot 40 percent, missed eight (of 18) freethrows, amassed only 12 assists and got pounded on the boards (52-33). Antawn Jamison (15 points, 10 rebounds) was the only starter to reach double figures...and he basically threw a tantrum about it. He said his team has "to have some pride." He also said: "This is something that is unacceptable and something we can't tolerate at all. We're going over what we need to do in the morning and we get out on the court and we don't do it. Nothing is missing. Nothing is missing at all. It's guys just not getting it done." So says the man whose stats -- and I man all of 'em -- have dropped off significantly since he signed a $50 million contract extension over the summer. Physician: Heal thyself.

Mark Blount: He got five minutes of PT against the Wiz and finished with...1 turnover. Period. That's like showing up to a company pot luck and only contributing the potato salad that gave everybody diarrhea. That's what Blount is at this point: Spoiled potato salad. He's making over $7 million this season, by the way, and he'll make almost $8 million next season. Which fills me with a red-hot rage.

New York Knicks: Sure, they won and thereby improved their record to a semi-unbelievable 6-3 -- somewhere Isiah Thomas is weeping, by the way -- but they still almost let the Oklahoma City Thunder come back from a 30-point deficit and steal the victory. Said Zach Randolph: "The way we play, uptempo, it can happen like that." Ah. Being intimately familiar with Mike D'Antoni-coached teams, I can tell you that "uptempo" is just a fun euphemism for "We wouldn't play defense if somebody paid us. And somebody IS paying us."

Kevin Durant: Last year's ROY shot 8-for-21 against a team that wouldn't play defense if you attached electrodes to their genitals and threatened to give them a deadly jolt every time the other team scored. He also grabbed only 2 rebounds...which is two fewer than the tiny Nate Robinson, who played eight fewer minutes but finished with 4. On the season, Durant and Robinson are averaging an identical 4.1 RPG. Durant is a full foot taller, by the way. Isn't it kind of sad that three of this year's rookies -- Derrick Rose, Michael Beasley and O.J. Mayo -- are already better than last year's best rook? I'll go ahead and answer that afor you: Yes, it is.

Blazers versus Hornets: You know, maybe it's just me, but when two up-and-coming teams stocked with young talent face each other, I don't expect to see an 87-82 brickfest where the two squads combine to shoot 9-for-32 in the fourth quarter. In the words of Bill S. Preston Esquire and "Ted" Theodore Logan, that's bogus.

Mike James: From CP3's primary backup to DNP-CD, just like that. Why? Well, coach Byron Scott provided a few hints last week: "In this offense, what [James] needs to do is really look to get everybody the ball. I don't know if he can do it or not. I think Mike has been programmed his whole career to be a score-first point guard. On this team, that's not what we really need right now. So he has to try and change his focus and do a better job running the team and getting guys involved. Obviously, the first seven games have not been the best for him."

Ouch. And here was James' response: "If I'm out there for two minutes or out there 20 minutes, I'm going to play my game. I'm just going to do what got my name and credibility in this league. I'm just going to be aggressive, make plays, score or pass. It's freedom of mind." With that attitude, Mike, it's going to be less "freedom of mind" and more "riding the pine." Good luck handing out Gatorade during timeouts, Mike.

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: This rookie is turning out to be pretty darn good -- he had 19 points and 17 rebounds against the Grizzlies -- but he might very well have the worst NBA name ever. He needs a nickname, and fast. Anybody have any ideas?

Michael Redd: He, along with Deron Williams and Kevin Martin are killing my fantasy basketball season. Man, screw you guys. Sorry. Bitterness over now.

Austin Croshere: He finished 0-for-1 with 1 turnover for a suck differential of +2. And I should give the Pacers a retroactive Worst of the Ever for signing this guy to that ginormous contract back in 2000.

The Boston Celtics: The C's are learning what it's like to be the champs. Everybody gets fired up to play them, and every game feels like a playoff showdown. The Nuggets, for instance, weren't nearly as juiced in their previous game against the Cavaliers. But they sure brought it against the Celtics. Allen, Garnett and Pierce are still doing what they do, but the rest of the team is wilting under the pressure. Rajon Rondo had 7 assists and 7 steals, but his offense remains a liability (1-for-8, 2 points). Kendrick Perkins tries really hard, but his speed and mobility are sorely lacking; Perk was getting killed in his matchup against Nene (14 points, 7-for-10, 7 rebounds, 5 steals), who repeatedly took the Beast off the dribble and even stole the ball from him in a critical late-game possession when the Celts were only down 87-84. The bench, outside of Eddie House, was a disaster of 1987-esque proportions: Glen Davis had zero points and zero rebounds in 15 minutes; Tony Allen had 1 point and 2 fouls in almost 14 minutes; Leon KA-Powe had 1 point, 4 boards and 2 turnovers in 10 minutes; Patrick O'Bryant and Gabe Pruitt each had 45-second Marios; and Brian Scalabrine had a DNP-CD. The lack of bench production forced Doc Rivers to play Allen and Pierce 40 minutes each, and KG logged 35 minutes. That's not the optimum formula for a repeat.

The Dallas Mavericks: The Orlando Magic won in Dallas for the first time in a decade despite falling behind by 15 points early and trailing by 11 in the fourth quarter. The Mavs, on the other hand, managed to lose despite having the advantage in field goal percentage, rebounding, points in the paint and fast break points. Dallas is now 2-7...a full half-game behind the 3-7 Grizzlies. Their current five-game skid is the longest losing streak since a six-gamer they had from February 29 to March 9, 2000. And that was the last season the Mavericks failed to qualify for the playoffs. [Insert foreboding music here.]

Spurs versus Rockets: AAAAAHH!! Damn my eyes!!

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: "This was a game we should have won," said McGrady, who shot 2-for-12 and finished with 7 points. "We had it in our pocket. We didn't play any defense." Um, yeah. Look, Tracy. When your team holds its opponent to 77 points but scores only 75 on 40 percent shooting, I'm thinking defense isn't the problem. It was awfully nice of you, though, to pull a no-show to make up for the fact that you didn't get suspended for throwing Nash to the floor the other night. Very magnanimous of you.

The Sacramento Kings: The Suns were missing three starters -- Steve Nash (suspended), Matt Barnes (suspended), and Leandro Barbosa (his mother passed away) -- and the Kings still couldn't pull out the home win. Mostly because Shaq (29 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) and Grant Hill (22 points, 9 rebounds, 4 assists, 4 steals) returned from the mists of time to lead Phoenix to victory.

Shaq, quote machine: "Back in the day when we had a rivalry going, it was much louder and we had the guy with the cowbell going. Come back guy with the cowbell." You heard the Diesel, cowbell guy. Time to step up.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Prior to the game, the broadcasters and sideline reporter were engaged in a gratuitous display of Laker butt-kissing, and the talk wasn't about whether L.A. could beat the Pistons...it was whether they were going to match the best start in NBA history (15-0). That discussion can officially end, though, since the Lakers weren't able to even make it to 8-0. Detroit controlled the entire game and showed us how the Lakers can be beaten. First off, as talented as they are on offense, the Forum Blue and Goldians can be stopped by a sound, fundamental defensive plan executed by a team with a few versatile defensive players. Also, while the Lakers certainly have a significant size advantage against most teams, their team speed is lacking. By a lot. I don't think there was a single L.A. player who didn't get taken off the dribble at least once on Friday night...even Kobe. This enabled the Pistons to basically get any shot they wanted (they hit almost 51 percent of their field goals on the night).

Furthermore, the Lakers' second unit -- which has been the prime mover of the team's strong start -- is also full of slow, limited athletes. They make up for their deficiencies with a swarming, gambling defense which generates turnovers and enables them to score a lot of easy transition baskets. But that sort of D -- which was employed liberally by the Nuggets last season -- isn't effective against teams (like Detroit) who can execute and take care of the basketball. And all that gambling and scrambling, when it doesn't work, leaves players wide open for easy shots.

Even more interesting was the play of Kwame Brown, the much-maligned former Laker who responded to boos from the L.A. crowd by going off for 10 points (4-for-5), 10 rebounds and 3 assists. He also did a good job on Pau Gasol, blocking one of the Spanish Marshmallow's shots and drawing a charging call against him in the fourth quarter. And, for one night at least, he was superior to Andrew Bynum, who finished with 8 points (3-for-7) and 9 rebounds. Said Phil Jackson: "He outplayed Andrew [Bynum] in a game that was essentially a matchup."

Kobe Bryant: He shot 12-for-30 and reverted at times to the Mamba of old, particularly when he tried to force his offense against Tayshaun Prince. It was another one of those situations where it seemed as if Kobe wanted to prove that, "Hey, I can score against this guy any time I want." He also fell into his old habit of trying to bring the Lakers back in the fourth quarter by dribbling around the perimeter and forcing up threes that everybody in the building knew he was going to take. Sure, he hit a couple, but he finished 2-for-7 from downtown...and that's not the way the Lakers win games. But he always seems to forget that when things aren't going their way.


The Los Angeles Clippers: They shot 39 percent on the way to getting blown out by the Warriors in L.A., falling to a pitiful 1-8 in the process. And undrafted rookie Anthony Marrow kicked them in the left groin with 37 points (15-for-20) and 11 boards. Say it with me: They are who we thought they were.

Marco Belinelli: My bologna has a first name, it's M-A-R-C-O. The Italian Stallion played 6 minutes and contributed naught but 2 personal fouls. That's a suck differential of +2.

Marcus Williams versus Steve Novak: You can file this one under "Epic Confrontations," folks. The Clips' Novak had his 19-second Mario matched and surpassed by the Warriors' Williams and his 26-second Mario.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: They completed a winless weekend in Philadelphia, where they connected on only 39 percent of their chuckers and lost by 25. Kevin Durant shot 6-for-18 and turned the ball over 5 times. Nick Collison missed all seven of his field goal attempts. Earl Watson had more turnovers (6) than points (4). Johan Petro and Russell Westbrook combined to shoot 6-for-22 off the bench. The only bright side of Clay Bennett's superdickery, it seems, is that the people of Seattle aren't being forced to watch this truly dismal 1-9 team.

The Atlanta Hawks: That 6-0 start seems so very far away. On Saturday night, the dirty birds lost their third straight game, with the latest loss being a double-digit booty-smacking by the Nets. New Jersey scored 119 points on 55 percent shooting and got an incredible 43 points off their bench. Said Atlanta coach Mike Woodson: "We've lost some of our defensive swagger, intensity or whatever you want to call it." Whatever I want to call it? How about flibbertigibbet? Can I call it that, coach? Hm. Maybe...maybe the Hawks are who we thought they were, after all?

Maurice Ager: The line: 3 fouls and 1 turnover in two and a half minutes. That's a +4 suck differential, which might be the season-high since we started tracking that stat.

Devin Harris, quote machine: After dropping 33 and 10 on the Hawks, Devin was feeling a little full of himself. "I'm in attack mode, commanding the paint." Pretty ego-tastic for somebody who got chumped by a guy in a sweater vest a couple months ago...

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: Considering the fact that they were still missing Deron Williams, Mehmet Okur, Andrei Kirilenko and Matt Harpring, the Jazz put up a pretty good fight on the road against a surging Cavs team. But Jerry Sloan got pretty riled up over his team's winless weekend and their "defense" on LeBron James, who scored 16 of his 38 points in the fourth quarter. "We didn't even get close enough to guard him at times. You have to compete against the guy. If you say, 'I'm not going to touch him,' you'll be saying that 20 years from now. You might as well get an autograph and go home." Wicked. When asked if his players backed down a little bit in guarding James, Sloan said: "A little bit? It was like we were afraid to even touch him." You know, Jerry's been around for such a long time. I wish he would just open up and tell us what he really thinks.

Sasha Pavlovic: He played only four minutes against the Jazz, going 0-for-1 and stealing the ball once. He has now gone eight straight games without hitting a single shot. In fact, he hasn't converted a field goal since going 3-for-6 in the season opener. He's scored 11 points this season.

LeBron James: The King admitted that he has Barry Manilow on his iPod. No, really. Now, "Mandy" and "Copacabana" I can understand, but "I Am Your Child"? Way to go, LeBron. You have earned -5 cool points.

Ike Diogu: He barely escaped having a Super Mario by notching a whole 11 seconds against the Grizzlies. Man, the president of my high school math team got more action than this guy.

Jason Collins: From the Wolves-Blazers game recap: "Jason Collins made his season debut. He missed most of the preseason and the first five games with an elbow injury after a freak golf cart accident." Whoa. Not sure how I missed this one. But the story is, he partially ruptured his triceps tendon after his golf cart skidded and tipped over back in September. Well, on the bright side, at least he has an excuse for sucking now.

Josh McRoberts: A two trillion against the Bulls.

Cedric Simmons and Lindsey Hunter: They each had a 58-second Mario against the Pacers. But whereas Lindsey was 0-for-everything, Simmons managed to grab a rebound and squeeze off two shots in his less-than-a-minute stint. Oh, and one of those shots was blocked.

Tyrus Thomas: The "Coulda been LeMarcus Aldridge" Kid logged only 6 minutes against the Pacers, going 0-for-3 for zero points, 3 rebounds and 2 fouls. He's this close to being out of the rotation. I'm sure the fact that he's shooting 28 percent has something to do with that.

Derrick Rose, quote machine: "They are giving it to me. I'd be a fool not to shoot it. My teammates want me to shoot and if I don't, they yell at me or tell the coach probably to get me out of the game." Be warned, rest of the NBA. The kid is going to shoot.

The New Orleans Hornets: This team is having trouble scoring. They've been in the 80s in four of their last five games. On the season, they're averaging only 93.7 PPG on 44.7 percent shooting. Against the Rockets, they scored 82 on 40 percent shooting. Chris Paul was 2-for-10 (0-for-5 in the first half). Mo Pete was 3-for-8. Tyson Chandler had only 4 rebounds. Peja was 1-for-5. And then there was...

Mike James: The Amityville Scorer -- yes, that's his actual nickname -- had his second straight DNP-CD on Saturday. Uh, how's that "freedom of mind" working out for you, Mike?

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron had 7 assists and zero turnovers, but he also shot 3-for-10 from the field. He's currently hitting 32 percent of his field goals, and he's shot 50 percent exactly once this season.

The Yao Watch: It was a bad weekend for TYW. Ming attempted 21 shots over two games and none of them were blocked. Huh. I must have reverse stat-cursed him.

Celtics versus Bucks: Overtime games are supposed to be exciting, but this one? It was exciting in the same way that following the World Bridge Games is "exciting." The teams combined for 90 missed field goals, 74 free throws, 62 personal fouls, nine technicals, four foul outs (Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Garnett, Glen Davis, Luke Ridnour) and one ejection (Andrew Bogut). Watching this game made me hate myself a little bit. Actually, make that a lot.

Kobe Bryant: Trimmed his toenails in the Lakers locker room and left the clippings on the floor in front of Luke Walton's locker.


Jamario Moon: He lost his starting job to Andrea Bargnani. That's gotta be like getting picked last in high school gym class. You know, after the Special Ed student and the fat kid.

Dwight Howard: Not only did the Charlotte Bobcats -- yes, the Bobcats -- manage to shut him down (4 points, 0-for-3), they also fouled him out in just under 26 minutes of lack-tion. That's less like Superman and more like Elastic Lad.

J.J. Redick: He finally got some PT! Sadly, all he did was turn the ball over once in nearly three minutes. I'm really looking forward to the day when I hear the words, "Hello! I'm former NBA star J.J. Redick! We don't serve hamburgers here...we serve STEAKBURGERS!"

The New York Knicks' defense: That's it. From now on Mike D'Antoni is just Mike 'Antoni. His Knickerbockers gave up 124 points and season-highs to both Dirk Nowtizki (39) and Josh Howard (31). At this point, Zach Randolph would probably just hand over his wallet, without complain, if you just politely suggested it. Oh, note also that 'Antoni is establishing his typical seven to eight-man rotation where three or four guys play 40+ minutes. Of course, it's easy to save energy when you only play at one end of the court.

Jason Kidd: New York doesn't D anybody up and he STILL shot 1-for-7?

The Detroit Pistons: They followed up Friday's smackdown of the then-undefeated Lakers by getting skewered by the Suns...who got less than a half out of Shaq (see below). Detroit couldn't shoot (39 percent), couldn't get a stop (almost 57 percent for Phoenix) and they spent most of the game looking up at a double-digit deficit. It's probably worth noting, however, that this was the Pistons' fifth game in eight days and the last of four straight road games (and the third in four nights). So, you know, they might have been a little gassed.

Shaq the Detroyer: He was called for a flagrant 2 foul and ejected after nearly killing Rodney Stucky. The Big Excuser tried to explain it away (see below), but seriously, this foul would have gotten Shaq charged with attempted manslaughter in some states. (But remember, you can't have "manslaughter" without "laughter"!) Actually, this play kind of reminds me of the Kevin McHale / Kurt Rambis clothesline, only if McHale was a giant gorilla and Rambis was a frail midget.


Shaq spent a few minutes strenuously objecting to his dismissal, and after the game the Big Rationalizer said: "The laws of physics say that a body in motion stays in motion. So if you have two objects meet in the air, the smaller object is going to fall much harder. I've never been the type of player to take anybody out, so I obviously went to the ball. The little guy ran into a brick wall." Hm. Brick walls don't usually come flying at you with flailing arms. But whatever. I typically avoid arguing with men who could turn me into a bloody smear on the wall with one clubbing blow.

Update! Rip Hamilton and Will Bynum: The Phantom of Auburn Hills had a layup swatted by Steve Nash, and Bynum got a jumper stuffed by Goran Dragic. Those are two men who should never, ever block your shots, unless you're playing in a wheelchair.

Rodney Stucky: Seriously, kid, I know you're fearless and stuff. But that's sort of what you get for trying to dunk on Shaq. The Surgeon General warns that's freaking hazardous to your health.

Referee Ken Mauer: Yeah, he got the Shaq call right, but he also gave Suns assistant Alvin Gentry a technical for asking, "Who is the foul on?" That cannot be the worst thing anybody has ever said to him.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: They held their opponent, the Denver Nuggets, to 33 percent shooting. And lost. "The way that we've been losing, we know that things can turn around and eventually we will get a win," Jason Collins said. "We have to get things rolling from there. It starts at one." Yeah. Good luck getting that one, Jason.

The Denver Nuggets: I might have already mentioned this, but they shot only 33 percent against the Minnesota Timberwolves. And sure, they won, but that's the kind of win you should give back...like when you beat your 5-year-old niece at Candyland. "I don't know how many games in the league are won by 33-percent shooting," Nuggets coach George Karl said. "Maybe less than five probably all season long." I was thinking less than one, but whatever.

Kurt Thomas and Ime Udoka: They Spurs are seriously (and obviously) undermanned right now...yet both of these players received a DNP-CD against the Kings. I'm sure Kurt was being embalmed or something, but what's Ime's excuse? Oh. Right. He sucks.

Kobe Bryant: While eating a large plate of nachos, he wiped his greasy fingers on the couch cushions when nobody was looking.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

I was going to post an update about The White Man Jump Challenge, but it's Friday and I'm both very busy and really lazy. (Yes, I know that's a paradox. Whatever.) So, instead, here are a couple of "deleted scenes" from The Dark Knight: "Alfred's Rant" and "Joker's Dilemma." The part of Alfred is played by Evil Ted. Originally, I was supposed to portray The Batman, but ET recast the role...with his son. Hooray for nepotism!


Here's a bonus video that I can't stop laughing at. Be warned: Your funny bone might explode, so be careful viewing this at work. Also, if you're drinking something, I suggest you go ahead and swallow before you press "play."

IMPORTANT NOTE: I have been forcefully informed that the following video has been around for a while and that fact has reduced its humor to less than "nil" (which my numberologist says is the same as "zero"). That makes the humor value a negative number, meaning that actual funniness might be subtracted from your life by watching it. In other words: Assume you genuinely laughed at something today. In that case, clicking "play" could create an angry midget dressed as James A. Garfield -- our 20th president! -- who would travel back in time and kick you in the groin (either right or left) before you ever had a chance to laugh...and thus your amusement would no longer exist, which would lead to you dying cold and alone someday. So, you know, view it at your own considerable risk.

Labels: Batman on drugs, Evil Ted, no basketball content, The Dark Knight, The Joker

Kenyon Martin: Last night was the first time I got a close look at the lips that have been inked into Martin's neck. As far as I've been able to determine, the tat's an homage to his hottie girlfriend Trina...but my question is this: Why choose such a gay tribute? He might as well have gotten a tattoo of a penis or Richard Simmons. But who knows? Maybe Trina made him get it to keep all the NBA groupies away, because I'm pretty sure he'll be getting the John Amaechi treatment from now on. [The picture is from The Sports Hernia.]

Daniel Gibson: Gibson, who pulled out of his 5-for-26 shooting slump by going 7-for-11 against Enver, unveiled his latest masterpiece of hair-cuttery: A Superman-style symbol with a big "B" in it. He explained the hieroglyph thusly: "I talked to my Dad the other night and he said he hadn't seen my smile in a long time. I guess I was being 'Daniel' out there on the court, so I got the 'Boobie' symbol to remind me that I need to be out there having fun and enjoying the game again." Hey, who cares if you look like an idiot as long as you're having fun! I don't have a picture, unfortunately, but here's one of his last hair-stravaganza: Bat-Boobie.


The Enver Nuggets: The Nuggets had been playing better defense this season -- entering their showdown with the Cavaliers, they were allowing only 98.7 points per game -- but last night the "D" got chucked faster than a college freshman's dinner on penny beer night. The Cavs shot 57 percent and had 30 assists on 47 field goals en route to lighting up the scoreboard for 110 points. Doug Moe would be proud.

Tom Withers, AP Sports Writer: Basketbawful reader rmcdougall eagle-eyed the following typographical blunder: "From tonight's AP recap of the Denver-Cleveland game, a quote from Coach Brown: 'The first team that decided to defend in the second half was going to get the win,' Brown said. 'And we did. The first half was a rate race. R-A-T, R-A-C-E.' If you're going to quote the coach as he spells the words, you might as well spell them correctly yourself. Or it just makes it seem like Brown's spelling them for you, AP Guy." Great job, Tom! I'm sure you'll be getting a call from the Chicago Sun-Times any day now.

Joey Crawford: Joey strikes again! The ref with the infamously itchy whistle-finger hit Kenyon Martin with a flagrant 2 foul, which means an automatic ejection this season. Good call? Bad call? Ridiculous call? I'll let you be the judge.


Martin was understandably indignant after the game. "It's basketball, man -- it's a contact sport. It's not bowling or table tennis." No, it's certainly not. Fans can actually stay awake through most NBA games (assuming the Spurs aren't involved). What made the call even more ridiculous is that Dahntay Jones and LeBron got into a shoving match earlier in the game...and nothing was called. Not even a tech. Ah, NBA officiating: A model of inconsistency.

Sasha Pavlovic: Remember his big holdout at the beginning of last season? Well, he still hasn't recovered from it. Sasha's currently playing less than eight minutes a game (down from 23 MPG in 2007-08) and averaging 1.4 PPG. His supposed specialty is long-distance shooting, but he has yet to hit a three-pointer this season...and he's only attempted three of them. Last night, he played 11 and a half minutes without even attempting a shot and finished with 1 assist and 1 steal. But hey, at least he's making $4.5 million this season (and $4,950,000 in 2009-10). I hope he invests wisely.

Tarence Kinsey: Tarence, who once played for the Fenerbahçe Ülker in Turkey, had a 15-second Mario against the Nuggets.

The Chicago Bulls' first six minutes: They fell face-first into a 19-point first-quarter hole. Make that a first-six-minute hold. The Bulls missed 12 of their first 13 shots while teh Mavs were hitting eight of their first nine. And you could say the Chicago crowd was getting a bit restless.

Derrick Rose, quote machine: "There is no such thing as a 17- or a 19-point shot." True. But if there was, I'm willing to bet Antoine Walker would be shooting them right now.

The Dallas Mavericks' last 42 minutes: That 25-6 lead disappeared in a hurry and the Mavs -- who shot 36 percent for the game -- were outscored 92-66 after the hot start. Jason Terry was 5-for-14, Josh Howard was 7-for-23 and Herr Nowitzki was 5-for-17. Jason Kidd had more turnovers (5) than assists (4). And you know the deal with their bench. The Mark Cuban Freakout Clock is officially ticking. Loudly.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: "We don't play defense. That's been our problem. First six minutes we were playing defense and found ourselves up and that was it. We have as many offensive weapons (as anyone) in the league, but we got to find some guys who want to play defense."

Joakim Noah: From Basketbawful reader AnacondaHL: "Holy crap. I'm not a big fan of +/- in basketball, but how the hell do you get a -15 in only FOUR minutes, AND a +3 suck differential? Fantastic bawful 2nd start at center there, Joakim Noah." And from Junokasm: "Joakim: 0-1, 2 personal fouls in 4 energy-filled minutes; suck differential +3. What a clown." And Ricky: "Joakim Noah deserves a WoTN special award. How bad was he last night? He almost had a 4 trillion (in 3:58 all he had was one lousy FGA and 2 fouls) and ended up with a +3 suck differential. I mean seriously how is it possible for a 6-11 'energy guy' / center to not even get a rebound in 4 minutes. And if that doesn't boggle the mind, then look at his +/- score: -15! In 4 minutes! That means that, during the period Noah was on the court, the Mavs scored almost eight baskets more than the Bulls. Is a -3.75 per minute average a record? Can we get Hollinger to look at this? This was officialy one of the worst days ever for the Noah family since Yannick Noah sang 'Saga Africa.'"

Update! Bulls fans: I was reminded of this by a comment left by Basketbawful reader your favorite sun. With the game decided, the Bulls decided to dribble out the clock on the last possession of the game. The only problem is that Chicago had scored 98 points...two points short of winning the fans some free food. Denied their free taco excitement, the crowd actually started booing the home team, despite the win. Not nice, people.

However, your favorite sun noted that Bulls play-by-play man Neil Funk stat cursed the team out of scoring 100. "The Bulls play-by-play man deserves a mention. When Chicago got to 98 points with about four minutes left, he mentioned how everyone in the crowd gets a free hamburger or whatever when the team reaches a hundred points. He says, 'They'll get to 100, it's only a matter of when.' The Bulls, of course, went completely scoreless after he said that and finished with 98 points. No freebies for the crowd. He'd been jinxing the Bulls all night, basically guaranteeing that Dallas would go on a spurt every time he ripped their offense. But gypping people out of a free taco or hamburger? That's cold."

Stephen Jackson: "We cant win if I go out and shoot 6-for-20. It's going to be hard for us to win, point blank." So said Captain Jack, who shot 5-for-19 last night.

Rip Hamilton's Yahoo profile picture: Check out the mangy beard. It's like he had the picture taken in the middle of putting on an Abraham Lincoln costume.

Walter Herrmann: He compiled 3 personal fouls -- and nothing else -- in his 2:45 of PT. That's impact. A piece of fuzz falling lightly onto a feather pillow impact, but impact nonetheless. And, as always, it's a bad sign when your player profile only has two pictures of you getting scored on.

Michael Curry: He started Kwame Brown last night. Let me repeat that: He started Kwame Brown. However, he was smart enough to only play him for about nine minutes. So that's something.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He gave his wife a dutch oven. Then he did it to his daughters too.

Update! Michael Jordan: "Don't be mad at me, I'm just too good for you. Y'all think I had this camp just so y'all could beat me?" That's what His Airness said right before he lost a game of one-on-one to Ariel Investments CEO and Chairman John Rogers at his "Flight School" basketball camp back in 2003. Way to stat curse yourself, Mike. (Thanks to Wira for the link.)

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, gay tattoos, Golden State Warriors, questionable hair decisions, Worst of the Night

Today's picture was provided by Shayan of Time Intact. Thanks again to everybody who sends in tips, comments, graphics, videos, etc. I'm sorry I don't get the chance to respond to everybody personally...but your contributions to the site are very much appreciated.

Home court disadvantage: Basketbawful reader Baguete made the following observation: "Last night, of 11 games, only three were won by the home team (Boston, Washington and Milwaukee) and all of them by a margin smaller than 10 points (Celts by 1, Wiz by 8 and Bucks by 4). I guess that was not one of the Fan Appreciation Nights."

Hassan Adams: He had a one trillion against the 76ers last night. Hassan has had quite the season so far. He's appeared in three games, earning a three trillion, a Mario and last night's one trillion. That makes his season average a one trillion. That's the textbook definition of FAIL. Seriously. Look it up.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain played pretty well (19 points, 11 rebounds). But I couldn't help but notice that, of the seven shots he missed, four of them were blocked. Who does he think he is? Yao Ming?

Update! Reggie Evans: Mercilessly owned. By Andrea Bargnani. I can think of few things more humiliating than being in Bargnani's poster. (Thanks to Shrugz and his friend for the link.)


The New Jersey Nets: Last night, the Pacers were without injured starters Mike Dunleavy Jr. (knee), Troy Murphy (flu-like symptoms!) and Danny Granger (quad). And they still beat the Nets in New Jersey. Sure, the Nets were without Devin Harris (sprained left ankle), but three missing starters should more than offset one missing starter, right? Unless you're New Jersey, I guess.

By the way, how 'bout T.J. Ford, huh? I've had more than a few unkind things to say about him on this site, but he's been playing his butt off for my Pacers. The dude is listed at 6'0" -- and I'd be willing to bet my collection of hand-knitted Larry Bird boxer shorts that he's at least two inches shorter than that -- and yet he's had three straight near triple-doubles: 13/9/9, 24/7/10 and last night's 18/8/9. Indiana won all three of those games, by the way. (Okay, two of those games were versus the Nets and one was against the Thunder. But still.)

I don't usually do this, but I'm officially taking back some of the things I've said about T.J. He's earned himself a temporary Basketbawful reprieve. Here's a candy bar, T.J. You...you've earned it.

Fun fact: According to the game notes, "[Vince] Carter was hit in the face by teammate [Sean] Williams in the fourth quarter while reaching for a rebound." Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn't. But it wouldn't be the first time a teammate has wanted to hit Vince in the face.

Atlanta versus Boston: WHAT. A. GAME. This contest was about as close as you're going to come to seeng an NBA playoff game in November. Two fired-up teams going balls out, clutch shots, a thrilling ending. There were still a few bad apples, though. Ray Allen's 1-for-9 three-point shooting show. Paul Pierce's 5 turnovers. Boston's bench "production" (13 points on 3-for-17 shooting). Eddie House's remorseless gunnery (2-for-10, including 1-for-7 in threes). Randolph Morris' 4 fouls in 4 minutes. Acie Law IV's 17-second Mario. And Mike Woodson's decision to go small in the second quarter, which wasn't lost on Basketbawful reader Garron: "Atlanta Hawks are up by 14 in the middle of the second. So what does Mike Woodson do? Go small. Very small. So what happens? Perkins, Garnett, Allen and Pierce all just toy with the inside and go on a 16-2 run to tie the game...in 4 minutes."

Quick note on our buddy Mario West. He doesn't get much PT, but he absolutely kills himself when Woodson lets him into the game. Last night, he played one minute and finished with 1 point, 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 steal. That's not a bad minute's work. It's a real bummer that a guy who tries that hard can't get off the bench.

One last thing: Marvin Williams! Dude had 14 huuuuge points and some MAN-type three-pointers (he was 4-for-4 on the night, including a go-ahead bomb with seven seconds left). He's making the people of Atlanta forget all about Josh...what was his name again?

The fans speak: Basketbawful reader Baguete wrote in with the following note on Law's Mario: "Maybe someday he'll write a book called ':17 Seconds Or Less -- My NBA Career.'" You know, I think Mario West is already writing that book...

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was his usual (and somewhat unintentionally) hilarious self in the post-game press conference. Seated next to Paul Pierce, who hit the game-winner with 0.5 seconds left, Garnett said: "The last play was drawn up: Get the ball to Pierce; get the hell out the way. Superman's in the booth. Let's go home. That was the play, and if you don’t believe that ask Doc Rivers and he'll say the same exact thing." It's worth noting that a somewhat humble-sounding Pierce claimed the play was designed for KG to drive to the hoop if the lane was open, but since it wasn't Garnett handed off to him and he took the shot.

The San Antonio Spurs: They lost to the Michael Redd-less Milwaukee Bucks and fell to 2-5...which represents their worst start since going 2-13 in 1996-97. The Bucks also lost Charlie Villanueva in the first half (left hamstring strain), and even that couldn't even things up for a Spurs team that scored 78 points and had only two players (Tim Duncan and Michael Finley) in double figures. As TD said: "The whole thing is frustrating, however you want to look at it."

Update! The Spurs' starting lineup: From Ace: "A whole Worst of the Night without a mention of the Spurs starting lineup? Duncan scored 24 points and the rest of the starters COMBINED for 14 points." Corrected.

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: "If we can hold somebody to 82 points, I'm thrilled. I'm jumping up and down." I would love to see this.

The Utah Jazz: They shot 43 percent, committed 18 turnovers, surrendered 16 offensive rebounds, scored only 87 points and gave the NBA's last winless team their first victory. Congratulations, Jazz. You have failed. Special recognition goes out to Deron Williams (3-for-7, 5 turnovers), Andrei Kirileko (1-for-7, 0-for-3 from downtown) and Paul Milsap (6 fouls, 4 turnovers).

Eddie Jordan, quote machine: "Pat Riley says there's winning and there's misery. Well, for us there's relief and there's misery. So we got relief."

Caron Butler, quote machine: Tough Juice ripped off his jersey in celebration of his team's first win of the season, and explained it thusly: "King Kong was on my back. Throw the jersey off. Sigh of relief."

MAN-type alert: Both Mintz... and AnacondaHL noted in the comments section that Dwight Howard had a MAN-type triple-double (also known as a dirty triple around these parts): 30 points, 19 rebounds and 10 blocked shots. It was such a MAN-type display that several women in his general vicinity spontaneously grew testicles. Try explaining THAT to your boyfriend/husband/life partner.

Update! Fun fact: From Basketbawful reader Marc W: "10: Number of blocks Dwight Howard had in one game last night and also the number of blocks the Knicks have on the season." Actually, I just checked basketball-reference.com, and the Knicks have 11 blocks. But that's still sad.

Stan Van Gundy, stat monger: "I wish [Howard] would have had one more rebound. It would have looked really even on the stat sheet -- 30, 20 and 10."

Dwight Howard, flasher: "I want people to see who I am and not just this mean-looking basketball player. I love fun. I'll block some shots and get some rebounds, but I'll give you a smile and whatever else you want to see." Whatever else you want to see. That's quite an offer, Dwight.

J.J. Redick: The line: Three minutes, 0-for-2, and a suck differential of +2. Which sort of explains why he's gone from sixth man to 12th man. And he's barely holding on to that spot.

Trillion alert: Basketbawful reader Caseta said: "Just heard the trillion mentioned by the commentators of the Magic @ Thunder game. In reference to a semi-pro look-alike guy on the Thunder who just scored a basket." Here's the exchange:

Commentator #1: "Nice to get your name in the scorebox."

Commentator #2: "Yeah, no trillions tonight."

This is the second confirmed mention of the trillion by NBA broadcasters this season. AWESOME.

Russell Westbrook: Happy 20th birthday, Russell! You led the Thunder in field goal attempts (19)! Sadly, you hit only 3 of them. Oh, and you were 0-for-11 in the first half. [Insert saaaaaad saxophone music here.]

P.J. Carlesimo, Coaching Inspiration 101: "It's not fair...if I talk about some guys like they did something good. That implies I'm throwing the other guys under the bus. We're all under the bus tonight."

Dwyane Wade, the good and the bad: Dwyane Wade has been awesome in his first eight games. He's second in the NBA in scoring (28.3 PPG), tied for fourth in assists (7.6 APG), and he leads the league in PER (34.02). For reference, Michael Jordan's career PER was 27.91. Here's the "yeah, but...": He's also leading the league in turnovers at 4.3 per game. And as I recently mentioned in the comments section, this isn't a new thing for Wade; he also led the league last season (4.4) and the season before (4.2). And the season before that, he was second (with 3.6 TOs per) only to Gilbert Arenas (who turned it over 3.7 times a game). So Wade giveth, and Wade taketh away. I'm not trying to understate his overall greatness -- he's playing as well or better than anybody in the league -- but I sure wish he'd be a little more careful with the ball.

Shawn Marion and the mystery groin: He missed last night's game due to a right groin strain. Or, wait, was it a left groin strain? Is it that hard to keep track of which groin Shawn hurt? (Tipped off by the Belgium Dan Marino.)

Greg Oden: Let me just say that I was thrilled to see Oden on the court last night. And he had a couple spiffy moments, like a nice block on Chris Quinn which he followed up with an offensive rebound/slam dunk less than a minute later. But his overall performance was shaky. He played 16 minutes and finished with 3 points (1-for-3), 2 rebounds, 2 blocked shots and 2 turnovers. Moreover, he looked very awkward and out of synch. His footwork was terrible and he seemed to be having a lot of trouble holding onto the ball. He also looked nervous. Maybe he was just overly juiced up; you could tell he wanted very badly to come in and have a big impact. It was only one game, so I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. But damn...he looked positively Ostertag-like.

Update! Raef LaFrentz: From Rainbow Brite: "No mention of Raef LaFrentz? He's like the white, European version of Starbury. It costs The Blazers nearly $13 million for him to hand out cups of Gatorade. That has to be the cushiest job ever, aside from AJ Daulerio's gig at Deadspin." Yeah...I haven't gotten around to bringing Raef up this year. Corrected. (But in all fairness, Raef is earning only $12,722,000. So we should also point out that Portland is paying Steve Francis $17,180,000 this season. Oh, and Darius Miles is getting $9 million. That's almost $40 million for two non-players and one cheerleader. Wow. Why am I not on the Blazers' payroll?!)

The Memphis Grizzlies' defense: They let the Knicks shoot almost 60 percent from the field (52-for-88) and 56 percent from downtown (19-for-34). And those 19 threes represent a Knicks franchise record. Good God, people. Have you even tried putting a hand in somebody's face? I guess not: The Griz have given up 100+ points in last five games. Glad to see coach Iavaroni imported the defensive strategies he used in Phoenix. Speaking of Mark...

Marc Iavaroni, Captain Obvious: "We did not guard the ball well." Noooooo...really?! In other news, water will make you wet and hunger can be cured by eating food.

The New Orleans Hornets: Spotting the Lakers that 23-point lead was awfully nice of them, but it's not exactly a game-winning strategy. Now, Basketbawful reader Trottsta said: "In your Worst of the Night post, make sure you put 'the Hornets not named Chris Paul.' CP3 had 13 FG and 13 assists...out of 34 FGs for the Hornets. So the rest of the team only made 8 FG without him having a direct hand in it. Oh and David West, thanks for spoiling CP3's comeback in the 4th by turning it over 2-3 times in the last two minutes with the Hornets within 4. Appreciate it." Yeah. West finished with 6 turnovers. Mo Pete went 0-for-5 from the field. Peja was 3-for-13. The bench (outside of James Posey) was helpless. As defeats go, this one was pretty disheartening. Yeah, you could point to the comeback, but as Kevin McHale once said after an unsuccessful Celtics rally: "Yeah. And the patient almost lived."

Kobe Bryant, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I just wanted to shoot it in his face."

NBA highlight announcers: From Basketbawful reader Chad M: "At 1:35 of this NBA.com highlights package the announcer calls Pau Gasol 'Peja.'" Well, Chad, you know, all those soft Euro players look alike. How do you tell one bearded marshmallow from the other?

The Phoenix Suns: Steve Kerr and Terry Porter are trying to remake the Suns in the Spurs' image. And, uh, it hasn't been working that well the last few games. Last night, the new slow-it-down Suns scored 82 points on 37 percent shooting and had more turnovers (13) than assists (11). Look, I'm all for the Suns playing a little more defense, but stalling the offense is like owning a Mustang and never driving it faster than 35 MPH. What's the point?

Raja Bell: From Basketbawful reader Clifton: "After starting 6-2, Raja Bell has not stopped whining about his perceived lack of offensive chances. In the East Valley Tribune: 'Honestly, we are a running team. That's what we're built to do. You can see we are confused about what we're doing offensively, whether we want to run it or try to slow it down. And when there is uncertainty, there are turnovers.' He followed up those comments with the following performance tonight vs. Houston: 23 min, 0-6 FG (including 0-2 from three), no FT attempts, 3 rebounds, 0-for-everything else. Let me clear up that 'confusion' for you: That ball you're holding? It goes THROUGH the hoop."

Fashion faux pas: From Basketbawful reader Dave F: "Weird preview shots of Nash and Shaq arriving for their late game with Rockets last night. Weird because they were both wearing vests with jeans. Is that the new look?" I saw the same thing. And laughed. And vowed to bring it up in WotN. Done.

The Suns-Rockets Brawl: It was a catfight in Houston. And here's Slasher 14 with the call: "T-Mac set a screen on Nash where Nash appeared to hurt his shoulder. Next time down the floor Rafer Alston went to set a screen on Matt Barnes, who just pushed him out of the way. Alston ran over after Barnes and a scuffle broke out. When it looked like everything had been cleared up, Nash, who was running over to try and break the fight up, appeared to slip and fell into Alston. McGrady saw this and probably thought he was after Alston, so McGrady pushes an off-balance Nash to the floor. Then Shaq comes in and clears T-Mac out of the way and then gives Yao a push for good measure. It's kind of funny watching Yao fall over: He falls at about half the speed of a normal sized person. Maybe the laws of gravity have a different affect on Yao, which is why he is having trouble dunking this year?" Here's the video. And Slasher's right about Yao. Watch and laugh at his slow-motion fall. It kind of reminds me of Bela Lugosi's slow, stumbling Frankenstein monster in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man.


Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Stephanie G: "During the Houston-Phoenix mini-brawl Hubie Brown said, paraphrasing: 'Alston gets it in two places, by Barnes and then from the rear by Nash, so naturally he's hot.' Mmm, I bet."

Yao Ming: On the subject of the Great Wall, our Yao Watch continues, courtesy of Chuck DeBruce: "Ming had 3 shots blocked last night -- on 14 FGA (all blocks by Shaq, by the way, none by the rim) -- including two 11-footers and a layup. On the bright side, he was able to dunk twice and retributed with two blocks on Amare Stoudemire. Then again, he's still moving like wearing concrete shoes. Is Yao really eight years younger and 15 pounds lighter then Shaq? They looked the same even in the box score."

Here's some more Yao fun, courtesy of Kazam92. Watch Yao get posterized and then push a guy down in frustration. Apparently he's not all Zen and peacefulness.


Ron Artest: That 1-for-12 shooting...wasn't good. Did somebody put snake eggs in his locker or something?

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips lost at home to a Kevin Martin-less Kings team...mostly because they let Beno Udrih go off for 30. And Ricky Davis was their 'top performer.' Yep. They are who we thought they were.

The Chicago Sun-Times: This is a day delayed, but too funny not to mention. In the recap from the Hawks-Bulls game, the Times managed to misspell not one but two player names in back-to-back paragraphs. Torus Thomas? Lull Dens?! Way to copy check, guys. (In response, I ran spell checker on this post and discovered that I had spelled "Sean" as "Seab"...so I guess we all make mistakes. But some of us correct them.) Update! I missed yet another name gaffe in the clip shown below...but Fifthrune didn't: "In that last post about the misspelled names: Who the hell is Mike Bobby for the Hawks? Cuz I'd rather take him than Mike Bibby if he keeps shooting that well. Seriously who wrote that article, Borat?"


Kobe Bryant: He drinks straight out of the milk carton. And he puts it back in the fridge even when it's empty.

Labels: cat fights, home court disadvantage, Jermaine O'Neal, one trillion, Yao Watch

Going into this season, most people had Yao pegged as the best center in the league. As of right now, that is not the case. His stats -- 16.6 PPG, 9.1 RPG, 1.1 APG, 45 percent shooting -- are all down, and his Player Efficiency Rating (17.4) has dipped below 20 for the first time in his career. Even more troubling has been Yao's inability to get the ball over the rim. He's missed dunks. He's had dunks stuffed by opponents and the rim. He even airballed a dunk against the Clippers. The man is 7'6". How is that even possible?!

Here are the curent numbers on Yao, from the Yahoo box scores and 82games.com:

Shots (of Yao's) blocked: 14
Shots (of Yao's) blocked per game: 2.0.
Effective field goal percentage on dunks: 60%
Percentage of dunks blocked: 20%
Percentage of inside shots blocked: 19%
Percentage of close shots blocked: 21%
Percentage of jump shots blocked: 9%
Percentage of all shots blocked: 15%

In "clutch time" -- the fourth quarter or overtime, less than 5 minutes left,
neither team ahead by more than 5 points -- Yao has yet to hit anything other than a jump shot...and 20 percent of those are getting blocked.

For the sake of comparison, Nate Robinson, who's 5'9", is getting only three percent of his shots blocked on the season. Which reminds me...


Anyway, I'll be keeping track of Yao's vertically challenged exploits as the season progresses.

Labels: he is freaking huge so why can't he jump, Yao Ming, Yao Watch

"Bloargh!"
Thanks to Martin for the pic.

Larry Brown: His Bobcats fell to 2-5 -- and 1-2 on their current six-game home stand -- and you can already see the first signs of the patented Larry Brown Discontent (TM). Said Brown: "I have never been with a team where you're trying to figure out whether we drive the ball, whether we post the ball, whether we run pick and roll. It's a real puzzle right now." Larry did, however, take a break from his puzzling to crack on Sean May, who had been on the inactive list since Charlotte's first game due to unsightly fatness (seriously, take a look at his player profile picture). Regarding May's two-minute, 27-second stint -- in which he went 0-for-1 and had an assist -- Brown said: "It took him four seconds to shoot a jump shot." Aw, cheer up, Larry. At least Adam Morrison's shooting a career-high 39 percent! In all seriousness, I think Brown might set a personal record for growing weary and leaving a team this season. And if he does indeed dump the 'Cats, I would like Larry to know that, based on these and other comments he's made over the years, that he'll always have a job at Basketbawful. Only it will be unpaid and he'll have to fetch me my morning coffee. Café latte. Twist of lemon. Sweet 'n' low.

J.R. Smith: He's supposed to be instant offense -- just add water!! -- but I guess somebody forgot to add the water yesterday. Smith finished with 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting (0-for-3 from downtown) and a couple turnovers in 17 minutes. It's the third time in the last four games that he's scored 5 or fewer points. On the season, he's hitting a career-low 36 percent of his shots. But at least his defense has been...never mind.

Emeka Okafor: I sure do love to watching guys underachieve after signing huge offseason contract extensions! Okafor scored 2 points on 1-for-5 shooting and had three of his shots returned to sender. He's almost averaging a double-double (10.1 PPG and 9.9 RPG), which is good I guess. Just not six-year, $72 million good. Man, if only there was someplace I could go to discuss how much I don't like this guy...hey, it's the Emeka Okafor Sucks Forum! Perfect!

Ben Wallace: He had his fourth scoreless game (out of eight) of the season last night. He shot 0-for-3 and had only 4 rebounds. And get this: He's Cleveland's highest paid player this season at $14,500,000. Yes, you read that correctly. He makes more money than teammate LeBron James. [Insert maniacal laughter here.] Oh, and here's a little retroactive WotN: Two games ago, against the Pacers, Big Ben had zero points and zero rebounds in 19 minutes of lack-tion. It becomes increasingly unbelievable that, only two seasons ago, he was the hottest free agent acquisition in the league. Pretty soon, the sound technicians at Quicken Loans Arena are going to be ringing that gong for things like "sitting down to rest aching knees" and "rubbing Icy Hot on back to reduce spasms."

Wally Szczerbiak and Boobie Gibson: They combined to score zero points on 0-for-11 shooting (and 0-for-8 from beyond the arc). But they did contribute 3 rebounds and 6 fouls in almost 50 minutes of composite PT. You've gotta love one-dimensional shooters who can't shoot the ball. It's like having a garbage man who leaves trash instead of picking it up.

Mike Brown, quote machine: After the game, the Cleveland coach showed off his acute perceptiveness by observing that: "LeBron is LeBron." You know, in case you didn't realize who LeBron was. He's LeBron. Got that?

Mo Williams, quote machine: After a successful game against his old team, Williams said: "I had fun...and 'Bron was 'Bron." Has everybody got that? Lebron James was and still is LeBron James. I hope this finally clears up all the confusion.

The Philadelphia 76ers: After watching his team score 80 points and shoot only 38 percent at home -- falling to a very disappointing 2-5 in the process -- Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks said: "I just think our offense is out of sync." Well, thanks for that penetrating insight, Captain Obvious. Here are the raw numbers, in case you keep track of these things: Philly currently ranks 17th in shooting (43.9) and 22nd in scoring (94.9), which isn't what everybody expected when the team broke their giant piggy bank to sign Elton Brand over the summer. I mean, Brand was supposed to hit a high percentage of his shots and create easy buckets for everybody else wasn't he? Yet they scored more and shot better last season without him. This is a sign that, Boston's success last year notwithstanding, you can't always dump an All-Star onto a decent team and expect immediate success.

Kyle Korver: Speaking of shooters who can't shoot, Korver was 1-for-7 from the field last night. I guess he should spend more time practicing and less time signing autographs. Congrats on the successful coat drive though, Kyle.

The Dallas Mavericks: Sure they were without Josh Howard, and yeah they gave it their all last night, but they squandered a great opportunity to hand the Lakers their first loss of the season. (They also wasted a turn-back-the-clock performance by Jerry Stackhouse, who not only lit it up offensively but put the locks on Kobe over the last couple minutes of the game.) Their biggest bust: Letting L.A. erase a 10-point deficit and take a small lead while Kobe Bryant was on the bench.

And, actually, it's like Wild Yams has been saying in the comments: The Lakers are beating people with their bench. I mean, check out all the +/- scores. All the Laker starters (except Andrew Bynum) were down, while all the bench players (except Luke Walton) were up: Trevor Ariza was +16, Lamar Odom and The Machine were +13, and Jordan Farmar was +9. The L.A. Pine Riders scored 36 points, grabbed 18 rebounds, dished 4 assists, stole the ball 7 times and had 2 blocked shots. But even more important than those numbers were the energy and defensive tenacity they brought (particularly Ariza, who's starting to look like as much of a steal as Pau Gasol).

The Mavericks' bench: Outside of Jerry Stackhouse, the Dallas Bench Raiders pulled a collective no-show. Most disappointing, though, was (and has been) the play of Brandon Bass, who was nearly transparent in 11 minutes. He had an assist. That's it. How does that happen? Even Jose Juan Barea had a rebound in his limited PT (four minutes). I had Bass tagged as a breakout player at best and, at worst, one of those energy/intangible players. I have no idea what happened to him.

Jason Kidd: His triple-double (16 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists) was mitigated by his 1-for-7 three-point shooting. Uh, Jas, they're leaving you open out there for a reason. I would like to point out, though, that Kidd is having a mini-renaissance this season. He's shooting a career-high 47 percent and looks much more comfortable running the Mavs' offense than he did last season. In fact, they look kind of lost without him when he's out of the game. In fact, Dallas is starting to develop one of those "Steve Nash and the Suns" sort of deals where the offense grinds to a halt when Kidd is out of the game...and there's no serviceable backup in sight.

Dirk Nowitzki: He didn't just miss a late three-pointer that could have tied the game, he launched a shot that hit nothing but air. And he was wide open. So in case you were wondering, the answer is: Dirk still cannot be trusted in clutch situations.

Dirk Nowitzki versus Pau Gasol: It was a real joy watching these to marshmallows go head-to-head. I've never witnessed a more diverse display of arm flails, pissy looks, pained expressions and verbal flops in all my years of watching basketball. The weird thing was, Gasol was getting more love from the refs. At one point, Gasol used a particularly aggressive verbal flop to draw a delayed whistle even though it looked like Dirk had slapped all ball. Meanwhile, Dirk received only four FTAs despite the fact that the Lakers were roughing him up all night.

Andrew Bynum: He got his numbers -- 11 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocked shots -- but his post game was "meh" and he had some ugly misses. But worse than that was the seeming lack of fire in his belly. He loped up and down the floor. He let Erick Dampier (12 offensive rebounds) push him around. Watching the game, I kept thinking, "Man, if this kid played with Trevor Ariza's passion, there'd be no stopping him." But I'm not sure Bynum has that passion. And he's already been extended, so you probably can't expect any Contract Year Phenomenon-style play out of him. Remember, he was supposed to be The Story of L.A.'s predicted early season success. Instead, it's been their bench.

Derek Fisher: Last night's 1-for-8 shooting performance is part of a larger trend: Fish is shooting 32 percent from the field and has yet to hit 50 percent of his shots in a game this season. It's taking all the veteran leadership he can muster to keep his spot in the rotation. That and the compromising pictures he has of Phil Jackson modeling a Native American headdress...and nothing else.

Luke Walton: Three minutes, 0-for-1, and a suck differential of +1.

Update! Sasha Vujacic: Taken out by a chest bump. Congrats, Sasha. You've supplanted Pau as the biggest wuss on the team. You must be proud. (Thanks to Jodial and the anonymous poster for the link.)


Joakim Noah: He got his first start of the season and responded with a lackluster 2-point, 8-rebound performance. More distressing than his stat line, though, was the lack of energy he brought to the floor...since, you know, he's supposed to be Chicago's energy guy and all that. I don't know if Noah's out of shape or what -- how is that even possible? -- but he did a lot of loping up and down the floor last night. And Al Horford, his old college teammate, ate his lunch (27 points, 17 rebounds).

Tyrus Thomas: In 21 minutes, he scored 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting and had almost as many turnovers (3) as rebounds (5). He also had more blocks against (3) than blocks (1). He's not shooting 28 percent on the season. Meanwhile, here's how the player the Bulls could have had is doing...

Officiating: It wasn't so much the 36-25 advantage in free throw attempts that got my attention -- the Hawks were the more aggressive team, after all -- but there was one play Zaza Pachulia received a pass and took three long steps without a dribble before laying it in. And there was a ref right there to see it. How do you blow that call? It's not like that was LeBron James or anything. It was Zaza Pachulia!

Basketbawful: Okay. I have to admit. Derrick Rose is looking pretty impressive.

Acie Law IV: Nominated by Bret of Peachtree Hoops: "-17 in just over 8 minutes of playing time, 0-1 FGA (that shot was blocked) and a personal foul. It's not his fault that Woodson too often last year played him alongside Tyronn Lue and this year alongside Flip Murray rather than letting him run pick-and-roll with the second unit but he's been impressively ineffective thus far." Hm, 1.5 PPG on 23 percent shooting and 1.5 RPG over six games. I'd say "ineffective" is being pretty generous.

Othello Hunter: He had a one trillion against the Bulls.

Mario West: His 14-second stint earned Mario his first Mario of the season. And there was much rejoicing.

Mike D'Antoni: He still can't figure out a way to stop Tim Duncan or score against the Spurs. Last night, his team scored 80 points and shot only 38 percent. I can only hope that, for D'Antoni's sake, that money does indeed buy happiness. I wouldn't know myself.

Kurt Thomas: He played almost 10 minutes and didn't grab a single rebound. Did he shrink? It's the second time this season he failed to snare a board.

Matt Bonner: He managed a 28-second Mario against the Knicks. Which, to be honest, was 28 more seconds than I thought he'd get.

The Sacramento Kings: They pressed the fourth quarter self-destruct button last night, thus squandering an early 15-point lead and missing out on the chance to reach .500 for the first time since December 4, 2006. As Reggie Theuss screamed and fumed on the sidelines, the Kings committed 5 turnovers in four minutes, which allowed the Pistons to go on a 12-6 run to ice the game. Theuss -- who yelled "NO!" during one doomed possession -- said: "None of [the turnovers] were caused by the other team. [It was] just carelessness on our part. Our guys -- give them credit -- I really felt like they outplayed (Detroit) for 42 minutes." Sadly, NBA games are still 48-minute affairs. Theuss was also upset about the free throw disparity. "Thirty-six free throws to our 17 is ridiculous. Their stars got the calls down the stretch." Mmmm. Sour grapes.

Brad Miller: Prepare to throw up in your mouth a little: Brad scored 7 points on 16 shot attempts and have five of his shots blocked. Uh, he's still seven feet tall, right? Was he shooting the ball while sitting down or something? Said Miller: "That was one of the worst games I've had since high school, college, pros, summer league...[while playing] PlayStation, [Nintendo] Wii, you name it." Well, at least he's self-aware.

Jason Maxiell: Am I missing something? I figured he was due for some extended PT and an expanded role after 'Tony McDyess got shipped to Denver. But he's played 14, 17 and 11 minutes since the trade, scoring zero, 2 and 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. He's also snatched only 7 rebounds in those three games. Is he hurt? Dying of some rare Mediterranean disease? What happened?

Rasheed Wallace: Last night's 7-point, 7-rebound, 3-for-8 shooting performance is indicative of the 2008-09 'Sheed thus far. He's currently averaging only 11.4 PPG on a career-low 39 percent shooting. In a contract year.

Kevin McHale: It looks like Kevin Love (9.6 PPG, 7.0 RPG, 1.4 APG) is going to be a solid (if unspectacular) pro. But O.J. Mayo (21 PPG, 5.0 RPG, 2.4 APG) is already an awesome pro. So, you know, wrong again, Kevin. But at least you got Antoine Walker off the payroll. So you've got that going for you.

Mark Madsen: Two minutes, 1 foul, suck differential of +1.

Big, flapping vaginas: Al Harrington missed his third straight game with a strained lower back and Corey Maggette sat out his fourth consecutive game wtih a strained left hamstring. Once again: Money well spent, Chris Mullin. Money well spent.

Kobe Bryant: He used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll.

Labels: Ben Wallace, bloargh, Emeka Okafor, Kobe Bryant, Larry Brown, Mario West, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Dwight Howard: He had a man-sized game (29 points, 8-for-11 from the field, 19 rebounds, 8 offensive boards). But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming -- he missed seven free throws and went 2-for-6 in the fourth quarter. This gets mentioned a lot here and elsewhere, but Dwight's shoddy stroke from the line kills the Magic in comeback and end-of-game situations. Anyway, he also committed a game-high 4 turnovers (tying Jameer Nelson) while dishing no assists. Speaking of which...

Fun fact: Through the Magic's first seven games, Howard has 20 turnovers and only 9 assists. Huh. I thought Superman was supposed to help people.

Rashard Lewis: The $100 Million Dollar Man scored a measly 6 points on 3-for-11 shooting. He also missed all five of his three-point attempts. Over the last two games, Rashard mustered 11 points on 5-for-22 shooting (including 0-for-10 from distance). On the season, he's shooting 38 percent from the field and 26 from downtown. This is particularly damning since his primary -- and some would say his only -- duty is to shoot and score. If he's not doing that, he might as well be serving Gatorade on the bench. On the subject of benches...

The Orlando bench: They contributed only 12 points to their team's cause (as compared to 40 from the Portland bench). And when I say "they," I actually mean Keith Boogers Bogans. Nobody else from the Pine Club could offer up a single point. Which brings us to...

Anthony Johnson: Our buddy Ben Q. Rock from the Third Quarter Collapse sent us a Lack-tion Alert on Mr. Johnson: 17 minutes, 1 assist, 2 fouls, 0-for-everything-else. The Magic might as well have subbed in a banana peel for those 17 minutes. At least it might have caused somebody to slip or something.

Update! Keith Bogans, basketball guru: Basketbawful reader Anfernee sent in the following wise words from Mr. Bogans: "With a victory tonight against Portland, the Orlando Magic can rebound from their shocking 0-2 start to the season in a historical way. Having already toppled Sacramento, Chicago, Philadelphia and Washington during the past eight nights at Amway Arena, the Magic can close out the first 5-0 homestand in the 20-year history of the franchise by beating the Blazers. ... 'Winning all five at home would be really big for us,' said Keith Bogans, Orlando's top reserve all season. 'We lost that first one at home, but since then we've realized how important that it is to win at home. I always think that you should win them all at home and get as many as you can on the road.'" In other news, since drinking an entire bottle of Mr. Bubble brand bubble bath, I realize that drinking bubble bath probably isn't a good idea. Nor is sticking this fork into that electrical outle...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!

Schedule makers: The Portland Trail Blazers may be "only" 4-3, but they've played six of their first seven games against teams that had won at least 52 games last season (Lakers, Spurs, Suns, Jazz, Rockets and Magic). That would be a rough start for anybody. Kudos to them for hanging tough in the face of being Odenless yet again.

The Thunder's shooting: The Oklahoma City kiddies shot 38 percent as a team, led by Earl Watson (2-for-11), Russell Westbrook (1-for-10) and Desmond Mason (0-for-5). A lot of the damage took place during the second quarter, when the Thunder shot 25 percent. In fact, during one particularly brutal five-minute stretch, they missed 10 consecutive shots.

The Pacers' rebounding: From the AP game recap: "[T.J. Ford's] teammates are having fun with the fact that the shortest player on the team has somehow been among its top rebounders the past two games. 'That’s pretty good for a 5-7 guy,' forward Danny Granger joked." It's all fun and games until rebounding costs your team a victory. And make no mistake, that's almost what happened to Indiana last night. The Thunder nearly overcame their shooting woes by grabbing 19 offensive rebounds.

Troy Murphy: He left the game during the second quarter with flu-like symptoms.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain had his best game of the season -- 23 points, 11 rebounds, 5 assists -- but he made two critical mistakes in the last two minutes. First, with the game knotted at 84-all, he got his patented turnaround jumper stuffed by Kendrick Perkins. Paul Pierce then hit a shot on the other end to give the Celtics a two-point lead. On the following possession, O'Neal bumbled the ball our of bounds, which led to another jumper from Pierce to pretty much seal the deal. So, you know, Jermaine giveth and Jermaine taketh away.

Update! Jermaine O'Neil's disappearing act: From Alex Athans: "19 points in the first half, 4 in the second...and only 2 of those were from a field goal. I pronounce him David Copperfield, except instead of making the Statue of Liberty vanish, he whisks himself away."

Chris Bosh: The line: 9 points, 3-for-8, 7 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 turnovers, zero blocks and 4 fouls. Has anybody noticed that he and O'Neal can't seem to both have a good game at the same time?

Update! Sam Mitchell: Lord Kerrance pointed out that Bosh had zero shot attempts in the fourth quarter, and then Czernobog stepped up with the following information: "How about subbing Sam Mitchell for Chris Bosh? Apparently Bosh's disappearance was premeditated, the plan was to use him as a 'decoy' in his own words. Brilliant game-plan, Sam. Going away from your best player on what has been his best season so far." Yeah. And not too many great players want to be used as decoys and then watch their team lose because of it (or give up 16-point leads on the road, as the Raptors did last night.)

Update! Kevin Garnett: I pronounce you guilty...of superdickery. Seriously, KG, is it really necessary to pick on Jose Calderon? Seriously? (Dunpizzle on the head's up.)


Scintillating copy: From the AP game recap: "Dwyane Wade was mildly surprised midway through the final quarter to see the Miami Heat trailed by only 10." In other news, I was mildly surprised to find a small wad of lint in my belly button.

More scintillating copy: From the same game recap: "Where there's a Wade, there's a way." Please. Stop this man before he writes again.

Meaningless stats: From the same recap: "[The Heat] improved to 3-0 at home for the first time since the 1999-2000 season." Don't you feel enriched? Personally, I will never forget the Heat's 3-0 home start of '08.

Lame justifications: Dwyane Wade was 0-for-9 on threes before going 4-for-7 last night. And this was Pookie's explanation of his previously frigid shooting: "I didn't need to use them yet. But tonight, I brought them out." Sure. And I have bionic arms that can crush cars and dispense beer. I just haven't needed to use them yet. See what I mean? Both statements are impossible.

Dwyane Wade: He led the Heat to a comeback win by scoring 19 of his 33 points in the fourth quarter...but it's still worth noting that he had more turnovers (6) than assists (5). Oh, and that was a game-high in TOs.

Shawn Marion: He missed last night's game. Groin strain. [Insert joke here] Actually, this news report says he has a strained RIGHT groin. A single groin is, apparently, for mortal men. Marion has both a right and a left groin. Bow before his groinal awesomeness. (Note: The previous statements were made for the comic purposes only. I do not need an anatomy lesson. And besides, sharing your knowledge of the groin will only make people look at you funny.)

Eduardo Najera: Slow Eddy contributed more fouls (2) than rebounds (1) in his nine minutes of near nothingness. Also, his face looks like it was molded out of day-old nacho cheese. That is all.

Hack-a-Boone: The Heat intentionally fouled Josh Boone -- a career 47 percent foul shooter -- with just over three minutes remaining. He probably could have avoided that treatment if he hadn't airballed earlier in the game.

Vince Carter: Vinsanity cost his team a chance to tie the game when he got tooted for traveling with 6.7 seconds left. It was Carter's fourth turnover of the game and his team's 19th. Wah-waaaaaaaah.

The Phoenix Suns: They almost got gunned down by rookie O.J. Mayo (19 of his game-high 33 points in the fourth quarter) last night. In Phoenix. And it took a scoring explosion from Leandro Barbosa to do it. Not a good sign.

Steve Nash: In case nobody noticed, Captain Canada has transformed into the 2003-04 Dallas Mavericks version of himself. He's averaging 13.8 points and 8.0 assists and shooting only 46 percent from the field, which would be a career-high for Allen Iverson but is quite a dip from the 51 percent shooting he's averaged since arriving in Phoenix. In fact, Steve's in a bit of a slump. Here are the numbers from his last four games: 3-for-11, 3-for-9, 2-for-7, and 2-for-5. Age: It catches up. Speaking of which...

Shaq: He shot 3-for-8 from the field and finished with more fouls (6) than rebounds (5). I think it might be time for Shaq to start hitting the All Sport.


Update! Kobe Bryant: He didn't put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste.

Labels: bench play, Dwight Howard, Jermaine O'Neal, Orlando Magic, Portland Trail Blazers, Rashard Lewis, Steve Nash

Thanks to Basketbawful reader jamesjen for the photo.

The Washington Wizards: Their winless weekend included a home loss to the Knicks and an embarrassing blowout in Orlando. They are now 0-5, and Antawn Jamison isn't happy about it. "Anytime you lose like that you definitely don't approve of it. But it's extra disappointing when you are in the position we're in, and for us not to come out with the energy and focus that we needed for this game. We're 0-5 and we need people to play basketball." It's funny you should say that, Mr. "I just signed a $50 million contract extension over the summer." Your team report says: "Jamison seemed disinterested during the late stages of a blowout loss, something that was evident when he did not join a team huddle during a timeout in the third quarter." Nice team leadership, Antawn. Fast facts: The Wizards are last in the league in points allowed (109.5) and opponent assists per game (28.0) and, worst of all, field goal percentage allowed (50.2).

Dee Brown: He was two seconds shy of a three trillion against the Knicks. A team whose defense is only slightly better than the Wizards'. Let's hope his roster spot with the Galatasaray Cafe Crown is still available.

Dominic McGuire: Great googly moogly! Dominic played almost 13 minutes against the Magic on Saturday night but registered only 1 turnover and 1 personal foul. Technically speaking, that means he had a suck differential of +2...but I'm starting to think we need a modifier for minutes played. Like an extra +1 for every two meaningless minutes played?

Brian Cook: He notched a three trillion in the Magic's pummeling of the Wizards, which would have seemed pretty bad until I saw Dominic McGuire's line.

Rashard Lewis: Maybe nobody noticed this because the Magic beat the Wiz by 25, but Rashard shot 2-for-11 from the field and 0-for-5 from downtown. So why does he get his own entry while I mostly ignore Andray Blatch's 1-for-10 brickfest? Because Blatch isn't in the second year of a $110 million contract, that's why. Note that Lewis is currently shooting 40 percent from the field and 28 percent from beyond the arc. Worth every penny! Wait, I mean worth only a penny.

The New Orleans Hornets: They lost on Friday night to the Charlotte Bobcats because they couldn't stop a 14-2 fourth-quarter run led by rookie D.J. Augustin, Adam Morrison and Matt Carroll. I can't possibly quantify all the fail in that last sentence. Not without bursting a vein in my temple, anyway.

Chris Paul's backup: In that loss to the Bobcats, Mike James scored zero points (0-for-1), dished an assist, made a steal and committed a foul in his nine minutes of lack-tion. Meanwhile, CP3's PT edges closer and closer to 40 MPG...

The Toronto Raptors: They let the Hawks shoot 54 percent on a 110-92 loss. Hey, Raptors. "D" isn't just one of the shapes in alphabet soup anymore.

Mario West: He logged four minutes and 27 seconds against the Toronto and finished with a line of zero points (o-for-1), 1 block and 1 personal foul. On the season, he's played just over seven minutes and registered a sum total of 2 blocks and 1 foul. (So the bulk of his "production" came against the Raptors. Congrats, Mario!) Note that, despite the lack of PT, he still has one more block on the season than Zach Randolph. Oh, and on the subject of Mario's blocks...

Joey Graham: He gets special mention for both going by "Joey" and receiving a Code Red from Super Mario West! Thanks to JJ and the anonymous poster for the tip and the video link.


Hassan Adams: A three trillion against the Hawks on Friday. Mario West is unimpressed.

Home cookin': In Friday night's close-call win over the Pacers, the Cavaliers enjoyed a 28-11 advantage at the freethrow line. Which freaked the hell out of Indiana coach Jim O'Brien. "I just shake my head. Incredible, absolutely incredible. I can't believe that. To take it to the basket as hard as we do and cut as hard as we do, and to get only 11 foul shots. I'm just completely dumbfounded." Apparently, the real O'Brien was replaced by a robot duplicate that had no prior experience whatsoever with the NBA. Next thing you know, robo-O'Brien will start expecting the refs to call LeBron for traveling.

Allen Iverson's Rodney Stuckey's defense: Devin Harris dropped a career-high 38 points on Mr. Stuckey. Word has it his eyebrows won't grow back for 3-4 weeks, so he'll have to pencil them in until then. Call me crazy, but I don't think that would have happened to Chauncey Billups. Or...would it? (See below.)

Basketbawful reader Raharri sent in the following email regarding Devin's career day: "Here's an obvious one: How about Mark Cuban for the Devin Harris trade...I mean seriously? 38 points?! I KNEW this was going to blow up in our faces. FACEPALM x 38!" In all fairness to Cuban, Harris doesn't get to play against Allen Iverson every day. Also, check out the numbers: Harris might be scoring 18 a game, but he's shooting 39 percent and hasn't even hit a three yet. J-Kidd, on the other hand, is hitting a career-high 47 percent of his shots and 44 percent of his threes. He's also dishing almost twice as many assists as Harris. So, right now, the trade isn't killing the Mavs as badly as you might think. Now, a couple years from now...

Dan Gadzuric: He committed 3 personal fouls in less than two minutes against the Celtics. And since he was zero-for-everything-else, that gave him a suck differential of +3 in addition to the very wonky last name.

Ray Allen: He was 3-for-11 against the Bucks, including 1-for-6 on threes. On the season, he's hitting only 31 percent of his three-point shots and 43 percent overall. Some people take this to mean Ray's jump shot has gone MIA. But keep in mind that he's taking only 12.2 shots per game, which is barely above his career low of 11.1...from his rookie season. Look, Allen is one of those guys who has to shoot himself into rhythm. That's not gonna happen when he takes 10 shots. You can pretty much expect him to hit a low percentage unless he takes 15-20 shots, which isn't going to happen very often in the Celtics' offense.

The San Antonio Spurs: They got blown out at home by the Miami Heat to fall to 1-4. And three of those losses came in San Antonio. To make matters worse, Tony Parker -- fresh off a career-high 55 points -- sprained his left ankle and is expected to miss four weeks. It'll be interesting to see what happens to the Spurs over that span, won't it? I mean, Duncan has gotten a lot of praise for being the best power forward of all time and one of the best players in the NBA -- and rightly so -- but he's never had to go through any significant stretch where he didn't have a pretty solid supporting cast. Now he's all by himself. Let's see how he handles it.

Matt Bonner: His 13 seconds against the Heat earned him a Mario.

Shawn Marion's offense: I received the following email from Basketbawful reader Rich: "One thing I noticed [from the Heat-Spurs game] was Shawn Marion was barely utilized on offense. Do you think they'll trade him this season? I was thinking they could strike a deal with the Knicks for Eddy Curry so they have a legitimate center and Haslem can slide back to the 4. Shawn Marion would also be reunited with Mike D'Antoni and is a perfect fit for the run 'n gun style. What do you think of this trade? I think Marion and Curry have similar salaries so it should work, right?" Well, that trade would be great for the Knicks, but I think Pat Riley would be insane to take on Eddy Curry's fat salary and even fatter butt. The main reason Curry's still in New York is because there are 29 teams that want him even less than the Knicks. But Marion, because he can't create his own shot, is almost useless on offense. That's why he's matching he's scoring 10 PPG (his worst output since his rookie season) on a career-low 41 percent shooting. But hey, this is what he wanted. How's that working out for you, Shawn?

Ron Artest, assist machine: The following image was sent in by Basketbawful reader Maggie. Check out that stat line...I never new Ron-Ron was so unselfish. (Note that the box score incorrectly credits him with only 4 assists against the Clips.)


Clippers broadcasters: Maggie also had this to say: "And I just had to make some comments about the Clippers broadcasters. At the start of first quarter, one guy kept saying that Yao is 'not a shot blocker.' Then Yao went on to block 4 shots in the first half. And sometime in the thrid quarter, this conversation took place:

Commentator A: "That's what I mean when I made a reference about Yao not being a shot blocker. He should've easily erased that shot by Mobley."

Commentator B: "He blocked 4 shots in the first half by himself. Please pay attention."

Commentator A: "He's not the type of shot blocker that goes and get shot blocks. He just gets the ones that come to him."

Note that these men are actually getting paid to be idiots while I keep doing it for free. Meh.

The Phoenix Suns: Terry Porter decided to rest Shaq on the first night of the Suns' back-to-back games against the Bulls and Bucks, and the team got blown out in Chicago because of it. And frankly, it didn't look like they were going full tilt. It was basically a concession game. Phoenix shot 40 percent. Steve Nash played 25 minutes. Amare Stoudemire committed a game-high 4 turnovers. The Brazillian Blur shot 1-for-8. Defense was not played. I wonder how many games the Suns are going to give up in this fashion over the course of the season?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: They went winless for the weekend -- getting blown out in Sacramento and edged in Portland -- as the second year of Kevin McHale's 10-year rebuilding plan continues. And Mark "Yes I'm still in the league damn it!" Madsen played 10 minutes against the Blazers. If that's not scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don't know what is.

Tracy McGrady: Check out T-Mac's line against the Clippers: 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting, 6 rebounds, 2 assists and a turnover. It was like he was auditioning for the Clippers instead of playing against them. The Rockets still won, though, because, well, they're still the Clippers.

Tim Thomas: He matched McGrady suck-for-suck by coffee breaking his way to a four trillion, cementing his status as one of the most-talented stiffs to ever don an NBA uniform. A bargain at $6,049,400 this season and $6,466,600 in 2009-10.

Chauncey Billups: Okay, maybe his defense isn't really all that after all. In his first game as a Nugget, Mr. Big Shot almost got triple doubled by Jason Kidd (22 points, 10 rebounds, 9 assists). Kidd shot 8-for-14 and 6-for-12 from Threeland. That's right: Mr. Unselfish shot 12 threes. Anyway, I guess Enver is just a defense-nomming black hole.

The Dallas "bench": Yeach. Antoine Wright (9 minutes, 0-for-1, 1 foul) finished with a +2 suck differential, Jose Juan Barea (47 seconds, 1 fouls) had a Mario with a +1 suck differential and James Singleton (five seconds, zero-for-everything) earned a Super Mario. Somebody throw some confetti as we celebrate this special achievement in sucktastickness!

George Karl, quote machine: "I'm sure he'll have many special nights for us. I think it's fun to have an ally in Chauncey." Aww. Hugs all around!

The Golden State Warriors: Their winless weekend was lowlighted by a home loss to the Memphis Grizzlies and a road blowout at the hands of the Sacramento Kings. RIP, Golden State Rivival. It was fun while it lasted. Statisical note: You know what was really strange about these two losses: The Warriors shot 25 three-pointers in two games (2-for-12 against the Griz and 5-for-13 against the Kings). That's how many threes they used to lauch per game. Weird. Was Don Nelson asleep on the bench or something?

Mark Blount: Everbody's favorite seven-foot stiff scored zero points (0-for-6) and grabbed a grand total of 3 rebounds in two games over the weekend. At this point, the Heat really might as well try to lure Greg Ostertag out of retirement. 'Tag might be awful, but he could have grabbed three rebounds by mistake. (And "by mistake" accurately describes most of what Greg did, but I digress.) Also: Blount has 10 rebounds and 1 blocked shot on the season. Salary update: Mark's making $7,350,000. How does this make you feel about your life's accomplishments? Discuss.

LeBron James' jump shot: Before he hit 4-for-7 from downtown against the Bulls on Saturday, James was 1-for-19 from beyond the arc. After his hot game, he's 5-for-26 (19 percent). And according to 82games.com, LeBron's effective field goal percentage on jump shots is 17.9 percent. Have the terrorists taken his jumper hostage? How much do they want for it? I'm sure Nike would be more than willing to cover the ransom.

Tyrus Thomas: He "broke out" against the Shaq-less Suns (14 points, 6-for-12, 7 rebounds) only to return to his lackluster form against the Cavaliers one night later (7 points, 3-for-10). He's now shooting 30 percent from the field...exactly what you want from an uber-athletic big man. Somewhere, Buck Williams is shaking his head in disgust.

The Chicago Bulls interior defense: I know LeBron is good and all, but the Bulls all but held his hand and escorted him safely to the basket in two games against the Cavs this week. Yes, yes, I know he hit those threes. But trust me: You can live with James shooting from the outside. Clog the paint and make him catapault his shots from distance. It's better than giving up 10-15 layups/dunks and all those free throws.

Kevin Love: The dude's been playing pretty well, but he went 0-for-7 against the Blazers. Rookie cookies!

Ike Diogu: He played four minutes against the T-Wolves, registering 1 turnover and 2 fouls, giving him a suck differential of +3.

The Dallas Mavericks: The exclamation mark on their amazing 0-for-the-weekend effort was giving the Clippers their first win of the season (despite, as Barry pointed out in the comments section, L.A.'s 18 TOs). The Mavs are now 2-4. Their bench is awful. This has to be killing Mark Cuban, which gives me kind of a happy.

Dirk Nowitzki: The mad German made a four-year-old boy cry when he crashed into the tyke while trying to save a ball from going out of bounds. But no worries. Jason Terry -- who missed his first 11 shots and finished 3-for-15 -- ran across the court from the Mavericks' bench to give the brat his sweaty headband. I'm sure you'll be able to find it on eBay as early as right now. Anyway, here's the first shot of Dirk's ass-attack on the front-row youngster.


Now take a look at his face. He's being absolutely traumatized by Dirk's butt. NBA action: It's FANNY-tastic!


What the Clippers have done to their poor fans: After the Clips' first win, I recieved the following email from loyal reader Buck Nasty: "First win for the Clips baby. Time to start a 75-game winning streak. Clips fans have to live in their own world. And things are always good in my Clippers' world." I'm not sure if that level of self-deception is inspiring or scary. I'll go with "inspiring."

The Raptors' "bench": These guys are doing all they can to challenge the Dallas reserves for "most pathetic bench in the league" dishonors. Joey Graham had a five trillion, which is the second-highest true trillion we've had this season. Kris Humphries committed 1 fouls in one minute and 28 seconds of PT, earning him a suck differential of +1. Roko Ukic -- who sounds like a lame Aquaman villain -- had a one trillion. And Hassan Adams followed up Friday's three trillion with a 34-second Mario.

Alexis Ajinca: He did nothing but commit a single foul in almost five minutes of lack-tion against the Raptors. Suck differential: +1.

The Utah Jazz: They failed in their bid to open the season with six straight wins by losing to the Knicks. Utah outshot New York by almost 10 percent (51.3 to 41.9), but they committed 23 turnovers that led to 30 points for the Knicks...which is a pretty big deal in an 8-point loss. It's worth noting that the presence of Deron Williams probably would have helped the Jazz avoid this loss, but Jerry Sloan doesn't want to hear it. "Can't worry about that. Nobody wants to hear about that. I don't want to hear it, either. Deron Williams is a wonderful player. We'd love to have him back two weeks ago, but he's not here. That doesn't mean you just go out trying to throw the ball away." Sloan emphasized the point by banging his cane on the ground and muttering things like "whippersnappers" and "jackanapes."

The Detroit Pistons: They forced Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce to 7-for-25 shooting and 7 turnovers between them, which should have been good enough for a win at home. But it wasn't. The Pistons shot 34 percent as a team, led by Rip Hamilton's 0-for-8 and Rasheed Wallace's 4-for-17. Detroit committed 16 turnovers and had only 4 assists. They also missed 9 free throws and got outscored 30-10 in the second quarter.

Allen Iverson, word smythe: The Answer said he got "chillbumps" when he received a loud standing ovation from his new home crowd. Of course, those might have been caused by his team's cold shooting, too...

Bill Walker: "I'm Diego, a Basketbawful reader (and fan) from Mexico. I'm a big Celtics fan and I couldn't help but notice that Bill 'Skywalker' had a one trillion for the game. Way to go, rookie!." Thanks, Diego. I guess that's what Bill gets for being a [euphemism for penis].

Damien Wilkins: You know what those nine seconds against the Hawks means: A Super Mario! Unfortunately, Mario West could only watch Wilkins' "performanace" longingly from the Atlanta bench.

Kevin Durant: He barely had more field goals (9-for-21) than turnovers (6). He had three of his shots blocked and grabbed only four rebounds. All of which means this year's Kevin Durant is pretty much the same animal as last year's Kevin Durant.

Darko Milicic: In almost nine minutes against the Nuggets, Darko committed 5 fouls to go along with his zero points and 2 rebounds. He did, however, manage to match Zach Randolph's season total by blocking a shot.

Marco Jaric: Thanks to Daniel of LABallTalk for pointing out Marco's four trillion. Yet another one of Kevin McHale's brain children rocking the world of suck.

Javaris Crittenton and Cheick Samb: Crittenton's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-1, suck differential +1. Samb's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-2, one of his shots blocked, suck differential of +3. So anything Javaris can suck, Cheick can suck better.

The Houston Rockets: When they barely beat the Clippers on Friday, Ron Artest bemoaned that the team was still playing "horrible." As if to back that up, the Rockets totally stunk it up against the Lakers on Sunday. They shot 37 percent as a team. T-Mac was a teary-eyed 1-for-11. Ron Artest was 2-for-11. Rafer Alston and Luis Scola were both 3-for-9. Yao Ming was 6-for-11, but he committed 5 turnovers and didn't make a single trip to the line. Brent Barry played 11 minutes without attempting a shot (he finished with 1 point, 1 assist and 2 turnovers). Joey Dorsey made his first appearance of the season and responded with a two trillion. I guess it's safe to say you can hold off on ordering those 2008-09 Houston Rockets NBA Championship t-shirts.

Update! Tracy McGrady: The Third Heat made a few points I can't deny: "By the way, seeing as how it's 'Worst of the Weekend,' you really should've grouped McGrady's two games together seeing as he pretty much embodied the phrase. He spent the entire weekend in LA going up against the Clips and Lakers, he ended up with twice as many turnovers as field goals. And he only had two turnovers. He shot a combined 6.3% for the weekend and admitted himself that they were probably the worst two games of his career." Done.

Update! Yao Ming: From Wild Yams: "I'm surprised that since someone took a screenshot from that Clippers-Rockets game nobody mentioned the dunk that Yao airballed early in that game, and how the announcers subsequently talked for the next few minutes about how it was one of the worst plays they'd ever seen. For a long time afterwards whenever there was a bad play in the game they would keep saying "yeah, but that wasn't as bad as Yao's airball dunk."

I did a little box score review, and I discovered that Yao had four of his shots rejected this weekend (once by the Lakers and thrice by the Clippers). That brings Yao's season total of "blocks against" to 14 in seven games. That's right: The gigantic Yao is having his shot stuffed an average of two times a game. In addition, some research at 82games.com uncovered the following "stunning" revelations: Yao's effective field goal percentage on dunks is only 50 percent. Just as damning, if not more so, are the following stats: 22 percent of his "close" shots are getting blocked, 19 percent of his inside shots are getting stuffed, and 17 percent of his flush attempts are being returned to sender. Also, you can officially add Kobe to the list of things Yao can't dunk over or against:


Luke Walton: Things aren't getting any better for the Son of Walton. Sunday's contribution to the team was a two trillion. Which, admittedly, was a slight improvement on Wednesday's two-minute, 0-for-1 showing against the Clippers. Man, Luke's seeing so little action his Yahoo player page doesn't even have any pictures of him. Even Mario West has three pictures up on his page. (Although one is of him high-fiving Al Horford from the bench and the other two are guys scoring over him. So maybe "no pictures" is better.) As Basketbawful reader William H. said: "Can you believe that Luke is getting paid almost $6,000,000 per year to warm the bench?" [Looks around the league] Yes. Yes, I can believe it. Sadly.

Joey Dorsey: He saw Luke's two trillion and matched him poop for poop. Now all he needs is a dog-ugly stalker and you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

Jordan Farmar, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Caleb: "Basketballers (or maybe sportsmen in general) must be the worst at spewing out cliche after cliche (with a little nonsense mixed in) and saying nothing at all in the process. Said Jordan Farmar after the Lakers' comeback win over the Rockets: "It's just a matter of us playing basketball and sitting down on the defensive end and locking it in and getting it done." (from ESPN's wrap) Please find me a clip of the Lakers sitting down on the defensive end, because for the life of me I can't picture it. I've just started training with a new club in Brisbane, and I'll be suggesting drills that cover sitting down, locking it in and getting it down. Oh, and playing basketball also." I couldn't find any video evidence, but rumor has it the Nuggets are very interested in this "sit down" defensive method.

NBA scheduling: The Lakers have now played three games since November 1st. It must be nice to get four days of rest between games.

Kobe Bryant: He took the last piece of pizza.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, fan submissions, Houston Rockets, Mario West, New Orleans Hornets, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

Falling on your damn head doesn't counttoward suck differential. But it should.
suck differential (suhk dif'-uh-rehn-shul) noun. A descriptor similar to the trillion that not only describes a player's statistical insignificance, but also quantifies the player's net negative effect for their team. Can be abbreviated as "suck."

Usage example: In Wednesday's Bobcats-Knicks game, Nazr Mohammed's +1 suck differential was upstaged by Malik Rose's +2 suck. How much money do they make again?

Word history: The term was coined and defined by basketbawful reader AnacondaHL in the comments section of a recent Worst of the Night post. AnacondaHL wrote most of this post. However, I did make the following change: A one trillion is still awarded only if a player has zeroes in all categories. Thus a suck differential score has some attributes that are similar to the trillion, only they have racked up some stats...all of which are negative.

Word details: In order to obtain the suck differential descriptor, a player must first earn a trillion in the standard "positive" categories: (0 points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, FGM, 3PTM, FTM). In addition, each FGA, FTA, TOV, and PF increases the suck differential by +1. (Hence, a standard trillion has a suck differential of +0).

Note that +/- points differential is distinctly NOT used in the suck differential. We can't have better teammates covering for sucky teammates now, can we?

One problem with suck differential is that each suck category is given equal weight. Does 2 missed free throws equal 2 turnovers on the suck scale? What if one personal foul was intentional for clock management? A more complex formula could attempt to describe "team points/possessions lost because of what you did", and could adjust FGA by +2 (+3 for missed 3PTA), TOV's by +1.1, etc.

But quite frankly, if your only opportunity to make a game and statistical impact was two free throws and you miss both, you deserve the +2 to your suck differential. And if your only job in the game was to be used for your personal fouls, that's a pretty solid +1 earned.

Making this post created even more questions in my head. What was the largest single game suck differential last year? Who leads the league with the highest suck-to--minutes played ratio? Could suck differential, applied properly to +/-, actually make a meaningful stat independent of teammate performance? Let's get 82games.com on this pronto.

Labels: fan submissions, gratuitous Ostertag reference, measurements for craptasticness, one trillion, sucking

First, a few belated WotNs...

Amare Stoudemire: From Basketbawful reader Josh: "I was at the Pacers/Suns game when Amare went off for 49. However, Amare, as well as everyone else at the game, believed that he had scored 51, breaking the 50-point barrier along with his career high of 50. This is because the giant player statistics screen at Conseco Fieldhouse showed that Amare had scored 51. At this point, Amare began passing every time he got the ball, seemingly going for a triple-double. He had to be a little disappointed when he go to the locker room and was told that he didn't break 50."

Stat padding? From a guy who once nicknamed himself STAT?! Never! After the game, Sun Tzu said: "You guys here in Indiana cheated me." Now, supposedly he made the comment jokingly, but I'm guessing his laughter was about as sincere as McCain's concession speech.

Steve Blake: Yesterday, Basketbawful reader Austen left the following comment: "Heh, I'm surprised you didn't note that funny moment during the Jazz-Blazers game where one of the players was trying to catch an inbound pass and stuck his right foot out behind him...into Brevin Knight's crotch area. Knight decided to clamp his knees together, so hilarity ensued when that player tried to run in a different direction to catch the inbounds pass. They ended up having to rush the inbound passer back inbonds after the pass just to keep the play going." Austen later added: "It was Blazers player [Steve] Blake who stuck his foot out into Brevin Knight's man region, and got caught with his foot in the cookie jar at 5:19 in the 4th quarter of last night's game." And here's the pictorial evidence:


Elton Brand: Shortly after the Philadelphia 76ers signed Brand to that $80 million contract last summer, Elton said: "I'm prepared to do some big things this year." Last night, those "big things" included scoring 6 points on 3-for-8 shooting in 35 minutes. Brand has been in an offensive slump so far this season. He's scored 20+ points and hit at least half of his shots only once, and it's no coincidence that it happened against the Knicks and Mike D'Antoni's "We play defense for :07 seconds or less" system. Now, mind you, it's not Brand's fault. Part of the reason for his struggles are the fault of...

The Philadelphia 76ers' offense: The Sixers, as a team, are shooting 44 percent as a team this season. And that number would be far worse if the Sixers hadn't hit 60 percent of their shots against both the Knicks and the Kings...two utterly defenseless teams. Philly shot 34 percent in their season opener against Toronto, 41 percent at Atlanta, 37 percent versus Miami and 38 percent last night against Orlando. Right now, the team's spacing is horrible. Brand is getting harrassed by double-teams and nobody seems to know where to position themselves for the kickout. When you have a dominant low post player, you have to provide him with passing angles and capable shooters. Right now, Brand is getting neither.

Andre Miller: I guess he's been watching too much Derrick Rose. Last night, Miller took 24 shots -- and hit only 7 of them -- while dishing for only 2 assists. That's six more shot attempts than the next closest guy (Thaddeus Young was 7-for-18), and 12 more shots than the guy after that (Andre Iguodala was 4-for-12). As I've said before, a 10-to-1 ratio of shots-to-assists is not what you want from your starting point guard.

Dwight Howard: He was limited to only four first-half minutes due to foul trouble and still finished with 14 points, 8 rebounds and 3 blocked shots. And 7 of those points and 2 of the blocks came during the fourth quarter, when the Magic where holding off the Sixers' rally. But man, I would feel a lot better about Superman if he could develop a low post move or two. And if he could hit a free throw (he was 2-for-8 last night and is currently at 44 percent for the season).

J.J. Redick: Earned his second consecutive DNP-CD. Remember, he was the sixth man about a week ago.

"Let's finish this up guys. I really gotta pee!"
The Houston Rockets' end-of-game defense: You'd think that a team built on defense would be able to hold a one-point lead with 0.8 seconds left, right? Well, then, you'd be wrong. Brandon Roy dropped a 30-foot atom bomb on the Rockets as time expired to give the Blazers a 101-99 overtime win. Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "I don’t know why he got so wide open. We should have had somebody on him. We made a mistake." Yeah, I'd call that a mistake. Man, where's Shane Battier when you need him?

Of course, Roy had to hit that shot to avoid getting a WotN mention himself, since on the previous possession he fouled Yao on a score, which allowed Ming the Merciless (after hitting the free throw) to put Houston up by one point with less than a second on the clock. Actually, you know what...

Brandon Roy: I'm happy for the kid. I am. He hit some clutch shots. But I don't want to see him posing like this unless he's in the middle of some kind of gamma ray-induced transformation.

"Bloargh!"
Yao Ming: When I watched Yao's first shot of the game get blocked by Joel Przybilla -- and it was a smother chicken, no less -- I knew I'd be hearing about Yao from somebody. Sure enough, I received the following e-mail from Basketbawful reader Vinny Gorgeous a few minutes later: "I am writing this with 9:40 left in the first quarter of the Blazers-Rockets game, and I'm ready to nominate Yao for WotN, because DAY-UMN -- the Vanilla Gorilla with a huge rejection. And now Joel's been added to the list of things Yao Ming can't dunk on (along with the rim.) I mean, it's 2 minutes in! His legs can't be tired at this point! And he's getting stuffed by JOEL PRZYBILLA? I don't care if he goes off for 30/20/5 tonight, that's awful."

It's even more awful than you think, Vinny, since -- as I pointed out -- the block you're talking about was the second time Joel had stuffed another brick into the Great Wall of Yao. Oh, and Yao didn't go off for 30/20/5. More like 13/6/1 on 4-for-13 shooting. Oh, and for future reference, Joel is referred to as the Vanilla Godzilla around these parts.

Bonus footage! It's a few days delayed, but here's a mashup of Yao's performance against the Celtics a few days ago:


Ron Artest: He was supposed to help ease the Rockets' scoring woes, but last night he scored a "meh" 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting. He's shooting 34 percent on the season...and only 31 percent from inside the arc.

Update! Tracy McGrady: Basketbawful reader Andrei said: "You have to give T-mac a Worst of the Night for his defense on the last play of the game. He was supposed to guard Roy, but once the play started and Roy bolted towards the ball, T-mac just pointed at him and then casually jogged in that direction just in time to see the a-bomb go off in his face. At 1:08 in these highlightsm just keep an eye on McGrady. Way to delegate Mr. All-Star." Good points, one and all.

John Paxson: Hey, John. I just wanted to let you know that LaMarcus Aldridge scored 27 points on 12-for-20 shooting last night. He also grabbed 9 boards, dished out a pair of assists and blocked two shots. And you swapped him for Tyrus Thomas and Viktor Khryapa. Yeah...how's that workin' out for you again? On the subject of the Bulls...

Chicago Bulls drama: One of the reasons the Bulls fell from grace last season was that many of the players had their own agendas and therefore tuned out Scott Skiles. And even after Skiles was canned (on Christmas eve), they didn't exactly kill themselves for interim head coach Jim Boylan. All that stuff was supposed to be ancient history...but it's not: Ben Gordon and Luol Deng are already making subtle criticisms to the press. "Starters have to get off to a good start; that's their responsibility," Gordon said after Sefolosha went scoreless and starting forward Tyrus Thomas had one point against the Cavaliers. "They have to step it up. Maybe Coach needs to mix something up a little bit." Translation: Coach needs to start me.

Deng, on the other hand, seems to think his slow start is the fault of the team's offense. "I still don't feel I'm playing how I want to play. We have to find sets that we're productive from and try to give teams different looks. We stayed with similar sets, especially in the fourth quarter. We have to switch it up a little bit." Translation: Coach needs to call more plays for me.

But Vinny D isn't changing for nobody, nohow: "No, no, no; they're the players, I'm the coach," Del Negro said. "The easiest thing is to look from the outside in and say we should do this or that. But when you go through it, it's a lot different. We're trying to put everybody in the most successful area we can. Sometimes it's not the system; sometimes it is. Sometimes it's the familiarity of everything."

Del Negro then put the onus right back on his players. "It's probably frustration talking. [Deng] got good looks [Wednesday], just like a few other guys. At times I thought we played pretty well moving the ball, but [we're] still shooting the ball too quick. Guys [are] a little bit unsure and thinking too much instead of playing. What happens is, sometimes [players] get a little bit out of sync and they start forcing things and try to do things they're not comfortable with. That hurts them even more. You just have to be patient and understand where you're going to get your shots."

So glad to see that everybody's on the same page...

Update! Kobe Bryant: He cheated to beat his daughters at Candyland. And then he talked trash to them for the rest of the night.

Labels: Andre Miller, Ben Gordon, Brandon Roy, Chicago Bulls, Elton Brand, Houston Rockets, john paxson, luol deng, Philadelphia 76ers, Vinny Del Negro

Pacers fans are 100 percent pure awesome.
The Indiana Pacers: Amare Stoudemire scored 49 points on 17-for-21 from the field and 15-for-15 from the line. Yeah, he was on fire...but shouldn't the Pacers have swarmed him with double teams? Or maybe put a hand in his face? Over half of Stat's shots were jumpers...and he was 7-for-11 from outside. He also had six dunks and four layups. So, you know, put "protect the rim" on the Pacers to-do list as well.

Pacers coach Jim O'Brien dismissed the idea that he should have instructed his team to double up on Stoudemire. "When you surround somebody, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't with Phoenix." True...but I would think that, at some point, you'd try to get the ball out of the hands of the guy shooting 80 percent. But what do I know?

A few thoughts on the Suns: People who thought the Phoenix offense died when Mike D'Antoni walked out the door were sadly mistaken. Their scoring is down a few points this season, but they're still leading the league (106.4). They're also shooting a blistering 55.2 percent from the field. And, according to John Hollinger's team statistics, their effective field goal percentage is just over 60 percent. By contrast, their opponents are shooting only 44 percent...which gives them a whopping 11.s percent differential in FGP. That's five percentage points higher than the next best team (in terms of differential), which is Boston (at 6.0).

There's a lot of season left to play, but the early results seem to indicate that Terry Porter's more disciplined approach is making the Suns an even more efficient team. Now if they could only do something about those turnovers...

Amare Stoudemire: Basketbawful reader Garron sent in this video (via Ball Don't Lie) of Amare Stoudemire flopping like a fish after getting brushed by Dick Diener's nephew. As Garron put it: "You are NOT allowed to have a major dunkage, go to the whole King Kong chest bump, then fly half the width of the court after a backup point guard touches you. 49 points was great for amare. Flopping, is not." Agreed.


Shaq: The Big Hacker only managed to stay on the floor for about 12 minutes due to foul trouble. He had 3 points and 3 missed free throws.

Maceo Baston: The second-round pick out of Michigan had a one trillion for the Pacers.

Sam Mitchell: I'm not a big fan of Sam's coaching, nor am I particularly impressed by his assessment of why his Raptors coughed one up at home to an undermanned Pistons team. "I don't think they did anything necessarily, we just couldn't guard their twos and threes." He's right! Now, if only they had a coach who could draw up some defensive schemes to stop that...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain had another rough night on the offensive end, scoring only 8 points on 3-for-10 shooting and committing a game-high 3 turnovers...only two fewer than Detroit had all night. His frustration became pretty obvious in the third quarter when he got called for a technical foul for ripping his headband off while arguing a non-call. After the game, O'Neal said: "I knew it was going to be a process but I didn't know I was going to be four games in and still looking for my rhythm. You want to do well, you want to dominate at your position, it just really hasn't worked out for me yet." It certainly hasn't. But then again, when was the last time the Drain was dominant at any position? Other than the "suck" position, that is.

Jason Kapono: Toronto's super shooter went 0-for-6 from the field and 0-for-3 from the other side of the arc.

Videotastic extra: From Basketbawful reader CW, via Ball Don't Lie: Allen Iverson, talkin' 'bout practice.


The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers got crushed 106-83 by the Miami Heat. Philly shot 37 percent (27-for-72) and committed 25 turnovers (compared to only 11 assists). Andre Miller was 3-for-8, Iggy was 1-for-7, Elton Brand was 4-for-10, and Kareem Rush -- who just a few says ago was complaining about a lack of PT and shots -- was 0-for-3 in his 12 minutes of lack-tion. Frankly, the Sixers were embarrassed by rookie Mario Chalmers, who had a franchise record 9 steals for the Heat. This team has not looked good in the early going.

Mark Blount: He had a season high in rebounds after only four minutes. He had 2. He finished with 5 boards and 4 fouls in just under 18 minutes.

Knicks versus Bobcats: From Basketbawful reader Will C: "I guess you've already seen this but in losing to the Knicks (ahem) last night, the Bobcats made a valiant effort to trump Dallas' double two trillion by coming heartbreakingly close to a TRIPLE THREE TRILLION! Linton Johnson provided an actual three trillion, Nazr Mohammed was 0-for-1 with no other contributions in three minutes, and Shannon Brown's three minutes contained...a personal foul. And nothing else. Wow. The Knicks had a four trillion of their own from Malik Rose, which might go some way to explaining why they were only able to beat Larry's Bobcats by three points. That and Quentin Richardson's 1-for-9, no-assist, six-turnovers 'performance.'" I have only one correction: Rose did not have a four trillion. He avoided that ignominy by committing two turnovers. You go, Malik!

His Airness: According to the game notes in the AP recap: "Bobcats executive Michael Jordan was seated courtside across from the Charlotte bench and enjoyed a first-quarter standing ovation." Yes, I'm sure the New York fans were very appreciative of how Jordan assembled a squad lousy enough for their team to beat.

D.J. Augustin: Brett from QueenCityHoops sent in this picture of Auggie going for a fistful of Chris Duhon's junk. Perhaps he was trying to uncover the secret meaning of the :07 seconds or less offense. The pic is from the The Charlotte Observer, by the way.


Kevin Durant: Fantasy owners who were expecting Durant to set the league on fire this season must be pretty disappointed so far. He's averaging 18 PPG on 41 percent shooting...a slight step down from last year's 20 PPG on 43 percent from the field. Even his puny rebound and assist numbers are worse. Last night, he was 6-for-15 from the field, which makes him 18-for-50 so far this season at his new home arena, the Ford Center. Way to give your fans a show, Kevin. Fortunately, those basketball-starved Oklahomans have no idea what they're seeing. They'd probably root for you even if you were chucking dirt clods at the basket.

Update! Basketbawful reader David made the following suggestion: "I propose the following watch for the season: Can Durant (6'9") average more rebounds than Nate Robinson (5'9")? Right now Durant is at 3.8 RPG and Robinson is at 4.3. Let the great experiment begin!" The people have spoken! The Durant Watch begins today.

The dreaded trillion [!!]: Basketbawful reader Mark L. wrote in with this tidbit: "Not sure if this is noteworthy or not, but the announcers in the OKC/BOS game are talking about Kyle Weaver not wanting to log another 'dreaded trillion' (as they put it) already this season." Eh? Could it be that NBA players have become aware of our favorite little statistical measure for awful? If so: Awesome. For the record, Weaver avoided the trillion by notching 1 board, 2 assists, 1 turnover and a foul in just under five minutes. For Weaver, that's a victory.

Nick Collison: Watch Paul Pierce just break the boy's ankles.


Now watch Nicky play a little (very little) matador defense on Rajon Rondo. The video's a little chewed up, but you should be able to make out Collison's whiff on the replay.


The videos were provided by Garron.

Minutes watch: Hm. Doc Rivers needed 39 minutes from Paul Pierce and 38 out of Ray Allen to beat the Thunder.

The New Orleans Hornets: They scored only 79 points in a home loss to the Atlanta Hawks. That's not exactly what the Big Easy expects out of their championship hopefuls. A special wag of the finger goes to Peja Stojakovic and his 3-for-13 shooting.

Chris Paul's backup: Mike James gave the buzzing bugs 2 points, 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 turnover in 11 minutes. It was a signature performance, which should explain why CP3 is averaging almost 38 minutes per game right now.

The Chicago Bulls: It was a good news/bad news night for the Bullies. The good news is that Derrick Rose managed to dish out 7 assists, Ben Gordon caught fire (31 points on 11-for-19 shooting off the bench), and Luol Deng broke out of his slump to score 18 and snare 7 rebounds. The bad news is that the good news did little to alter the craplike play of the rest of the team. Thabo Sefolosha was 0-for-4 in 17 minutes. Andres Nocioni was 1-for-4. Captain Kirk Hinrich had his Phaser set to "suck" (0-for-5 shooting, including 0-for-3 in threes). Joakim Noah and Aaron Gray spent most of the game riding the pine. And Ty Thomas -- whom I can't look at without thinking "We could have had LeMarcus Aldridge, damn it!" -- scored 1 point (0-for-1, 1-for-2) and had 3 rebounds in 15 minutes. That one shot, by the way, was a 15-footer from the elbow. Oh, and he got two foul shots on a drive that should have been called an offensive foul (replays showed that Zydrunas Ilgauskas had pretty good position). Thomas is shooting 25 percent on the season, by the way.

Vinny Del Negro: I'm not impressed with the job he's doing. I can't figure out his rotation, and I'm not sure he has either. I also wasn't impressed by something he had to say in a pregame interview on Chicago Sports Radio a few days ago. When asked whether he calls plays or let's Rose run the show, Vinny said: "Well, I call most of the plays from the sideline. But on the other hand, I want Derrick to make his own decisions, because basketball is instinct." It might not read that bad in print, but on the air it sounded like a man who wasn't quite sure of himself or what he's doing. This was in marked contrast to the interviews Scot Skiles used to give. Skiles always sounded like he knew what was going on and was in total control of his players...even after they had clearly tuned him out. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I have to wonder whether Del Negro can instill his players with any confidence when he can't even do that to fans listening to him talk on the radio.

The Washington Wizards' free throw shooting: I guess they call them "foul" shots for a reason. The Wiz squandered a 14-point fourth-quarter lead and lost to the Bucks in overtime. I'm guessing the 17 [!!] missed free throws had soemthing to do with it (Washington was 34-for-51 at the line).

The San Antonio Spurs: The Los Oldmanos needed a 55-point, 10-assist, 7-rebound performance from Tony Parker to pull out a double-overtime win over the Minnesota Timberwovles. The same T-Wolves who lost to the Oklahoma City Thunder on Sunday. Parker's career game and Tim Duncan's turn-back-the-clock brilliance (30 points, 16 boards) camouflaged a series of dreadful performances by Michael Finley (1-for-9), Matt Bonner (nearly achieved a six trillion), Bruce Bowen (3 points and 4 fouls in 33 minutes), the Fabulous Oberto (2 rebounds and 5 fouls in 30 minutes), etc. The only bright spot for this team is the continuing development of Roger Mason.

The Portland Trail Blazers: The Blazing Ones fell to 1-3 on the season by losing to the still Deron William-less Jazz...who are still undefeated this season even without their starting PG. They're playing hard, they just can't seem to get over the hump. Sadly, Greg Oden -- who was supposed to be their get-over-the-hump guy -- is still out with that foot injury.

Carmelo Anthony: He scored 28 points...on 30 shots. Not efficient. He and Allen Iverson didn't switch bodies before the trade, did they? Update! As Basketbawful reader Ari pointed out: "He wanted to score 44 to honor Barack Obama, instead he honored Woodrow Wilson. Oops. Maybe he shouldn't tell people about these things before he attempts it. That way, IF it happens, he can sound clever after the fact... instead of foolish."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Man oh man. Only the Clips could hold their opponent to 38 percent shooting and lose by 18. Oh, that cackling laughter you hear? That's Elgin Baylor.

Jason Hart: Only 10 seconds of PT...which means a Super Mario!

Luke Walton: Two and a half minutes, one missed shot, and zero-for-everything-else. A bargain at only $5 million a year! Speaking of five-million-a-year bargains, see Vujacic, Sasha.

Update! Wild Yams provided a little extra data on Luke's PT: "FYI regarding Luke Walton's brief glimpse on the floor and lack of contribution last night, he narrowly avoided a Mario due to the 22-0 run the Lakers had over a 6 minute stretch in the 4th quarter. Allow me to explain: the game was really close throughout and the Clippers were even up 2 points with 7:30 to go in the game, but for some reason Phil Jackson had subbed Luke in with about 25 seconds left in the 3rd quarter; however, when the 4th quarter started he was back on the bench and I remember thinking "he's in line for his second straight Mario with that appearance." However, when the Lakers scored 22 straight points to go up 101-81 with about two minutes to go, Phil "emptied the bench" (so to speak) by putting Luke Walton back in so he could avoid the Mario, and with his one missed shot attempt he managed to miss the three trillion as well.

"An interesting postscript to this is that after the game when Jordan Farmar was being interviewed by the TV crews, Luke Walton walked by and playfully bumped into Farmar. Farmar responded by saying "hey Walton, good job playing three minutes tonight." He was clearly just joking with Walton, but this then prompted a couple minute discussion with the TV guy about how people like Luke are adjusting to hardly playing at all. Awkward.

"At least the lack of PT for Luke Walton will presumably prevent the creation of any more stalkers, so he's got that going for him. Which is nice."

Oh, and Silly Bitch of Forum Blue & Championship Gold provided some video of the Walton/Farmar exchange:


Sasha Vujacic: L.A. fans rejoiced when he re-upped with the Lakers for $15 million over the next three seasons. And Sasha has rewarded them the way Brutus rewarded Ceasar for their long and prosperous friendship. The Machine is currently shooting 31 percent from the field, 30 percent from Threeland, and 66 percent from the line. Last night's line: 3 points, 1-for-5, 2 rebounds and 1 foul in 11 minutes and 39 seconds. Say goodbye to your old spot in the rotation, Sasha. But don't worry. Jordan Farmar will be keeping it warm for you.

Brian Skinner: From Basketbawful reader Wild Yams: "Here's a video of Brian Skinner from the Clippers blowing a wide-open dunk against the Lakers tonight, which he then follows up by grabbing Derek Fisher in frustration or embarrassment." Well, in all fairness, Brian has a lot to be frustrated about. Still, watching him blow a dunk when there isn't anybody within five feet of him is pretty funny, and it has the added benefit of making Yao Ming feel better about himself. So, you know, win-win.


Kobe Bryant: He served Peter Griffin some apple juice, but he did not use Peter's Batman glass.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Chicago Bulls, fan submissions, Indiana Pacers, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Shaq, the dreaded trillion, The Durant Watch

Bored announcers: From Basketbawful reader Nick: "I was watching the Suns-Nets game last night. During the game, the announcers got bored and started drawing on the screen (see above). You can see the clip on NBA League Pass (free to sign up until November 11th) on NBA.com. It occurs after the ad break, before the free throws, with 2:31 left in the first quarter." Nick was also kind enough to provide the accompanying dialogue. Update! The announcers have been credibly identified as Marv Albert and Mike Fratello by TehJay: "I can confirm that it was Marv, I watched this sequence happen. It was even more hilarious than it seems in text. Marv didn't really know how to react to the Czar's etch-a-sketches. He sounded like he was patronizing a little kid."

Marv Albert: It's time for our J&R Music and Computer World Upcoming Schedule. Following tonight, the Nets will finish up the home stands...that's, uh, very lovely. On friday night against Allen Iverson and the Detroit...what is that?

Mike Fratellow It's a car.

Marv Oh, Motor City, oh I got it.

Mike: It's a car.

Marv: So clever. You think about this for long periods of time? And then at Miami on...at Indiana on Saturday, I'm sorry.

Mike: I didnt want to throw you off.

Marv: I, I know.

Mike: Okay.

Marv: All right. Indiana, what do they get? What's that? That's very creative. What is that? Is that a building?

Mike: It's a building.

Marv: For Indianapolis?

Mike: It is.

Marv: And then at Miami on Monday night.

Mike: You know Miami gets, they get another, ohh yeahhh.

Marv: Oh very cute, yeah, all right and then back home for the Pacers next Wednesday. but frankly we've seen enough.

Mike: Okay.

Marv: The J&R Music and Computer World Upcoming Schedule. The Nets playing four games in five nights.

Mike: I was trying to think of how to draw a hurricane for Miami, not sure how to do that.

Marv: I'm sure you'll come up with something. Iittle box for the city of Indianapolis

Broadcasting action. It's BLAND-tastic. (Actually, I have to admit, this was pretty funny...)

The New Jersey Nets' defense: The only thing in New Jersey that was worse than the announcers' banter was the Nets' D. The Suns shot 63 percent from the field (43-for-68) and 67 percent from downtown (12-for-18). And, as Basketbawful reader Garron pointed out, they hit 77 percent of their shots (23-for-30) in the first half! The only reason that New Jersey kept it close in those opening two quarters was because Phoenix committed 16 first-half turnovers, which led to 14 points for the Nets. Once the Suns stopped bumbling the ball away -- they had only 4 turnovers in the second half -- the game turned into a laugher. Memo to the Nets players: It's called "a hand in the face," guys. You should really try it some time.

The New Jersey Nets' offense: Sure, they scored 55 points in the first half, but 14 of those points were handed to them by the Suns on a silver turnover platter. In the second half, New Jersey scored 31 points...and only 9 in the fourth quarter. For the game, the Nets shot 33 percent (28-for-83). Oh, and as was mentioned above, this was a home game.

Random aside: The Suns are actually playing defense this season. It's not just a rumor. I don't think I've ever seen Steve Nash work so hard to stay in front of his man. And Shaq was really closing off the paint in the first quarter. Phoenix still isn't a great defensive team by any stretch of the imagination, but at least they're trying. Well, except for Amare Stoudemire, who let rookie Ryan Anderson walk right by him. Amare's like a dog...he can't walk sideways.

The Lopez twins: This game featured the first pro matchup between the Lopez twins -- Brook of the Nets and Robin of the Suns. They each finished with 2 points and combined to shoot 2-for-10 from the field. Oh, and Brook committed 4 turnovers. This is what I imagine would have happened if Greg Ostertag had a twin and they played against each other. While dressed as giant pieces of fruit.

This was the first of many Titanic clashes. Andwhen I say "Titanic," I mean like the ship.
Yao Ming: The Great Wall scored 8 points on 4-for-14 shooting. He never got to the line, collected zero assists, turned the ball over twice, and had three of his shots blocked. Or (as Basketbawful reader Michael pointed out) four, if you count the dunk he clanked off the rim...again. Has Yao jumped off the ground this season? Has anyone actually seen him do it? I mean, at one point, Glen "Big Baby" Davis went over Yao for a MAN-type rebound. If you can't out-jump Big Baby, it might be time to invest in some Strength Shoes.

Update! Ron Artest: Almost forgot this one. Ron-Ron -- who ball-hogged his way to 3-for-16 shooting -- received an emergency ego-ectomy from Dr. Kendrick Perkins. (Note that Basketbawful reader AK Dave reminded me that I once vowed to refer to all "merciless blocked shots against unsuspecting and/or inferior opponents" as Code Reds. So the following video is an example of both an ego-ectomy AND a Code Red.)


Missing persons: From the game notes in the AP recap: "Houston guard Steve Francis, out with a knee injury, arrived at the arena wearing a red velvet sport jacket with 'Barack Obama' spelled on the back in sequins. Francis said he would try to attend Obama's presidential inauguration. 'Today is a transitional day in my career and everybody else's career,' he said before the game." Wait...Francis is still in the league?! Nice jacket, though. I imagine it's what a pimp would have worn to the Democratic National Convention this year.

Fittingly, Steve is shown walking away...
Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings earned a DNP-CD last night. Random question: Which group of words is more horrific to you on a personal level: "Antoine Walker, NBA Champion" or "Brian Scalabrine, NBA Champion"? Discuss.

Chris Duncan, AP sports writer: In the early version of last night's AP writeup of the Celtics-Rockets game, Chris referred to Eddie House as "Kevin." This was pointed out to me by Basketbawful reader Mark, who said: "Maybe Kevin is Eddie's evil twin?" Actually, I would say Eddie is the evil twin. After all, he's the one who shoots all the time. I'll put an abbreviated screen shot below. Here's the full version that Mark sent in.

You go KEVIN!
The San Antonio Spurs: They are now 0-3. Two of those losses took place in San Antonio, where the Spurs have been nigh-invincible the last 10 years. It's the team's worst start since opening the 1973-74 ABA season at 0-4. For the sake of perspective, that was their first season in San Antonio after playing in Dallas as the Chaparrals. (The Spurs joined the NBA in 1976.) The team seemed lifeless, which makes sense since their "heart and soul" player, Manu Ginobili, is still rehabbing his ankle. But seriously, even with Manu, this team looks weak. Matt Bonner (zero points, 0-for-5 and 5 boards in 20 minutes) started at center last night. Michael Finley shot 1-for-3 and finished with 3 points. Ime Udoka was 0-for-4. George Hill was 3-for-7. Kurt Thomas played 12 minutes without scoring a single point (he was 0-for-1) or snaring a single rebound. The Fabulous Oberto returned to play 14 reboundless minutes. Frankly, if it wasn't for Roger Mason, the Spurs might have lost by 30 instead of "only" 17.

Sure, the Spurs will likely make a strong second-half of the season push, but they've officially slipped down a notch from contender status. They just don't have the talent.

James Singleton and Jose Juan Barea: From Basketbawful reader Noah: "There were TWO two trillions on the Mavs tonight, J.J. Barea and Singleton. I dunno about you...but I've never seen a double two trillion before." That is two scoops of poop right there. If the Mavs were the Super Friends, then Singleton and Barea would be the Wonder Twins...otherwise known as "the only heroes Aquaman got to make fun of." And in case you're wondering, the answer is: Yes, Jose would be Jayna.

Stephon Marbury: From Basketbawful reader Michael Mach: "Quote of the night from Starbury: 'Looking back at the last two years, I kind of liked Larry Brown,' Marbury said with a laugh. 'I kind of liked Larry Brown. I'm like, 'Man, I wish this guy was here to drill me now.' I didn't know Marbury liked to be drilled, especially by Larry Brown." Wow. Looking past the rather obvious homoerotic overtones for a sec, just think about that statement. Considering the way Larry Brown got run out of New York, that would be like the villagers from Frankenstein saying, "I kind of liked the monster. Man, I wish that beast was here to strangle me to death right now!" Here's the rest of what Starbury had to say.

WNBA ad placement: From Basketbawful reader Sun Devil: "Saw this little gem on Facebook. Is association with sex the new way the WNBA is being marketed? I'm not so sure. But I'm concerned that Facebook had a WNBA fan page and send-her-panties-once-a-month ads targeted at me. Clearly, I must fall under the women's athletics perv demographic." Quick quiz: Have you ever purchased a poster of Sporty Spice and/or Kendra from the Girls Next Door and prominently displayed it in your house/apartment/parent's basement? If the answer is "yes," then you definitely fall in that demographic category. And you will never have sex with a woman without first giving them your credit card number. Anyway, Sun Devil also provided the pictorial evidence:


Kobe Bryant: He checked out in the "10 items or less" aisle despite the fact that he had almost 20 items in his cart. He also talked on his cell phone the whole time, and insisted on paying in exact change...using all pennies. Update! AND bitched to the manager about how his groceries were bagged (according to Basketbawful reader BJ).

Update! Unintentionally funny typos: Ben from the Raptors' blog Prehistoric Hoops drew my attention to this typo on the preview for the Raps-Pistons game...BUT TICKETS! Man, if they were going to make this mistake, couldn't they have at least added another "t"?

Labels: bored announcers, New Jersey Nets, utter defenselessness

"Bloargh!"
Derrick Rose: Last night, the rook had 1 measely assist (versus 16 shot attempts and 3 turnovers) in almost 39 minutes of PT. It was his second 1-assist game of this short season. Now, when I brought this up yesterday, people were defending Rose by basically saying "his teammates suck." But -- and I'm just checking here -- aren't these the same guys that Drew Gooden (3 assists), Luol Deng (also 3 assists), and Kirk Hinrich (3 assists) were passing to? And isn't Rose charged with handling the rock and running the offense most of the game? Oh, and regarding that "teammates suck" theory: Kirk "I'm the backup now" Hinrich hasn't dished for fewer than 3 dimes in the team's first four games. Hell, Earl Watson hasn't dished fewer than four assists yet this season...and he's playing for the Oklahoma City Thunder.

In the last three games, Rose has 5 assists, 8 turnovers and 50 [!!] shot attempts. And so my point remains the same: A shot-to-assist ratio of 10-to-1 is not what you want from your starting point guard. Look, I'm not trying to demean Rose's talent. He's super quick and can get to the hole at will. He sort of strikes me as a more athletic version of Tony Parker, except he's not French or a woman. But, like Parker, he's not a true playmaker. He's more of a scoring point guard. More accurately, he's a shooting guard trapped in a point guard's body. That concerns me because he's the franchise's new cornerstone, and Chicago desperately needs a guy who isn't just a great individual player...but someone who makes his teammates better.

For comparison's sake, check out Chris Paul's game log from his rookie season for the Hornets. He didn't have a single 1-assist game all season. Now check out the roster. It's not like it was playing with the Super Friends.

Luol Deng: Is Deng in a shooting slump? What could you call 31 percent shooting (14-for-44) over four games? And that includes the first game of the season -- during which all the Bulls padded their stats -- when he shot 8-for-13. Since then Luol has gone 6-for-31 from the field (19 percent). Let's hope last night's 1-point, 0-for-8 shooting performance was Deng's way of bottoming out. But this is one of those times I'd like to remind everybody that Deng was the one player John Paxson declared "untouchable" when the Lakers were semi-shopping Kobe at the beginning of last season. FACEPALM.


The Bulls' end-of-game plan: "Hey guys, we're down only two points with 23 seconds left. Let's have Ben Gordon shoot an off-balance, fade-away jumper over slam dunk champ Dwight Howard with 15 seconds left on the clock to try and tie things up!" Seriously. That's the best shot, and the best use of the clock, that the Bulls could manage with the game on the line? DOUBLE FACEPALM.


J.J. Redick: From sixth man to DNP-CD in only four games. That has to be some kind of record.

The Bobcats "big guns": Jason Richardson was 2-for-10. Gerald Wallace was 3-for-10. Both men were outplayed by Adam Morrison...offensively, anyway: Adam was 4-for-6, including 2-for-2 from downtown, for his 10 points.


Kwame Brown: He was actually surprisingly effective last night: 9 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocked shots and (SHOCK ALERT!) no turnovers. But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming, right? -- he was 1-for-6 from the field. And four of those misses were layups. He also inexplicably took a 15-foot jumper, which is about 15 feet out of his range.

Rasheed Wallace, quote machine: How do you feel about the trade, 'Sheed? "Do we like the trade? Maybe not. Ain't no telling. I can't talk about it until we see what happens. Who knows?" Oh, also, Wallace received his first technical of the season last night.

Jersey number disputes: Whenever a superstar changes teams, there's always the chance that somebody is going to get screwed. In the case of the Detroit-Denver trade, Rodney Stuckey will probably have to surrender his jersey number 3 to Allen Iverson. But apparently it will at least require a conversation. Said Stuckey: "We're going to have to talk about it, I guess." Talk about what, exactly? Money, perhaps? "Like I said, we'll talk about it." At any rate, it sounds like Stuckey is resigned to the change. He's already talking about his new number. "I want to do a single number, so I'll probably do something like 9 or something."

Joe Dumars' "master plan": I'm sorry, but if the plan really is to make a big run at Bosh, Wade or James in 2010, it's a flawed plan. I guarantee that Bosh and Wade are going to re-sign with their teams, and LeBron is either staying in Cleveland or bolting for New York. Anyway, here's a fun comment from Basketbawful reader anacondahl: "Perhaps the Pistons trade is an indirect way of admitting to the fans 'Yeah, we screwed up in 2003, sorry. We want to make it up to you in 2010.'" Oh, and geert had a suggestion for what to call it when the front office tries to redress a mistake they made years earlier: "What about make-up management? Like make-up calls, but by the front office of a team." I like it.

Sloppy journalism that gets it right: Basketbawful reader lord kerrance discovered a funny: "Check out this article from TSN. Not sure how long the gaffe will stay up, but right now it says the AI trade gives Iverson a chance to win a championship, something he wouldn't have been able to do with the Pistons. Inadvertantly truer words have never been spoken." Indeed. Here's the screen capture:


The Sacramento Kings: Quick quiz: When does 0-3 feel more like 0-10? Answer: When you lose those first three games by a combined 66 points. The Kings may very well be the worst team in the league.

Kevin Martin: Sacramento's future is struggling with the present: He's averaging 17.8 PPG on 38.6 percent shooting so far. This from a guy who a lot of people thought might lead the league in scoring this season. He's finding out that sometimes it's really hard to be The Man. Anyway, last night he was 4-for-10 and had the worst +/- score on the team (-27). He has, for the moment, surrendered "Best Player on the Team" status to Spencer Hawes. Yes, Spencer Hawes.

Kareem Rush: He apparently hasn't realized that his last name is "Rush" and not "Abdul-Jabbar," because he's already complaning about his lack of PT this season. "It's very discouraging. I didn't plan on this when I signed here, but it's the way it is. A lot of these guys have been here for a number of years and played with (coach Maurice) Cheeks a number of years, so I think it's a familiarity thing that he has with these guys." Yeah, or maybe Cheeks is just familiar with your career numbers.

The Golden State Warriors. They scored only 79 points. Against the Memphis Grizzlies. The Nellieballers shot 34 percent from the field (33-for-93) and 15 percent from Threeland (3-for-20). Stephen Jackson (6-for-21, 2-for-9 in threes) was the primary bricklayer, but it's worth noting that Al Harrington and Corey Maggette combined to shoot 0-for-9 from downtown. This offense would really benefit from a true point guard, and I'm not talking about Monta Ellis.

Andris Biedrins: Nice defense there, Andy. You let Marc Gasol erupt for 27 points (on 9-for-11 shooting) and 16 rebounds. Said Biedrins: "He really made us pay for not keeping attention to him. We were more worried about Mayo and Rudy Gay, and didn't think about (Gasol) so much." Uh, nice excuse. But you probably should have noticed a little sooner than after the game. Update! From Basketbawful reader Derek: "Also, on the ESPN recap the headline reads 'Gasol, Biedrins help Grizzlies end losing streak vs. Warriors,' further cementing his contributions." He's right.


Anthony Randolph: One trillion!

The Dallas Mavericks: They fell to 0-2 at home after getting spanked, and spanked hard, by the Cleveland Cavaliers. Their shooting was lousy -- Dirk Nowitzki was 3-for-10, including seven straight clanks -- and their rebounding was atrocious (they got pounded 52-35). If this keeps up, Dallas fans are going to start getting nostalgic for the Avery Johnson era. Once again...FACEPALM.

Each time Mark Cuban suffers, a kitten is born.
The Los Angeles Clippers: Baron Davis and Marcus Camby actually played last night, but you hardly would have noticed. The Clips scored only 73 points at home and let the still Deron William-less Jazz beat them down. In particular, Paul Milsap (24 points, 8-for-12, 9 rebounds) walked all over them. Yup...they are who we thought they were.


Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos: They each submitted a Mario last night against the Clippers. That's what they get for having names that sound like they were created by Stan Lee.

Kobe Bryant: He farted in a public elevator yesterday. And he had eaten a cabbage, liver and onion burrito for lunch.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Derrick Rose, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Sacramento Kings

Marcus Williams: He played only seven seconds against the Raptors on Friday night, earning the season's very first Mario! You know your coach doesn't like you when...

Jermaine O'Neal: Well, O'Neal's presence has certainly done wonders for Chris Bosh, who's on fire now that he doesn't have to play center. As for the Drain? Not so much. On Friday night, he scored only 5 points on 2-for-10 shooting and almost fouled out. He was also soundly outplayed by Andris Biedrins (17 points, 13 rebounds). But despite all that, he managed to come off like an arrogant ass in the second quarter: After blocking a shot by Brandon Wright, he fell to the floor, wagged his finger while still on his back, then got up and said "No way" to the Golden State bench as he ran up the court.

The New York Knicks: That 120 they dropped on opening night already feels like ages ago, doesn't it? The Knicks scored 87 and 86 points during a winless weekend that saw them get blown out in Philly on Friday and lose at home to the Bucks last night. D'Antoni Ball was in full effect when they played the Sixers: The Knicks hit only 32 percent of their 98 shots while surrendering 59 percent shooting on the other end. In that game, Chris "I'm no Steve Nash" Duhon shot 1-for-8 and Zach Randolph finished with 12 points on 19 field goal attempts and had three of his shots fed back to him. On Sunday, the Knicks shot only 37 percent against Milwaukee...and they attempted 36 three-pointes (they hit only 12 of them). Duhon was 2-for-6, Jamal Crawford was 0-for-6, Randolph was 6-for-17, etc. And Stephon Marbury is still a huge distraction that's being poorly handled. The more things change, the more they stay sadly the same.

The NBA: Where "Defense" is just waiting to get back on offense.
The Sacramento Kings: Let's see. They helped the Heat match a franchise record for margin of victory in a home opener (26 points) by scoring only 77 on 38 percent shooting and committing 25 turnovers (compared to only 10 assists). Kevin "The Future of the Franchise" Martin scored 9 points on 2-for-8 shooting, grabbed 1 rebounds, dished zero assists and had 5 turnovers. Beho Udrih shot 1-for-7 and also committed 5 turnovers. According to Sacramento coach Reggie Theus: "There is no explanation for it." Really? How about: Your team sucks? Their situation did not improve on Saturday, when they lost 121-103 to the Magic despite shooting almost 53 percent from the floor. But that's what happens when let the other team shoot 55 percent and pound you on the boards 40-28 (including 15-6 on the offensive glass).

J.J. Redick: How has J.J. responded to his promotion to Orlando's sixth man? By going 0-for-8 from the field in 39 minutes of action over the team's first three games. He also has more fouls (4) than points (2). He is shooting 100 percent from the line though! See? There's always a bright side.

The Chicago Bulls: At 2-1, the Bullies are off to a "fast start"...thanks to wins against the Bucks and Grizzlies. But their game against Boston showed all their warts: 29 percent shooting (25-for-84), 20 turnovers and only 11 assists.

Derrick Rose: Look, the kid has been better than expected out of the gate. He can score, no question about it. But his floor game has not been good. In two weekend games, he attempted 34 shots while dishing out only 4 assists. That's a bad ratio for a team's starting point guard. He also had more turnovers (5) than dimes, which is another bad ratio. If the Bulls are going to seriously improve on last year's disappointing season, Rose is going to need to start shooting less and getting his teammates involved more.

Oh, he also needs to work on his grammar. Regarding the play of the Celtics, Rose said: "There ain't no time to wait. When you get the opportunity, you've got to take it. They don't waste no time when they come out. They mean business." Just leave the double negatives to LeBron, okay, Derrick?

Los Angeles Clippers: They faced the Nuggets without Carmelo Anthony and the Jazz without Deron Williams. And they still went 0-for-the-weekend. And Baron Davis is hurt already. Yup. The Clippers: They are who we thought they were.

Ricky Davis: His line for the weekend: 1-for-11, 2 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists, a turnover and 4 fouls. It's a good thing the signed him over the summer, because he's the perfect Clipper.

The San Antonio Spurs: They shot 56 percent from the field and downtown on Friday...and lost anyway. Man, they really miss Manu Ginobili. They also miss their defense: They managed only 1 steal and blocked zero shots. The Blazers only committed 6 turnovers on the night.

Bruce Bowen: He's 37 and rapidly decomposing before our eyes. His totals over the first two games of the season are: zero points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal and 3 fouls in 42 minutes of PT. Also, it looks like his days of being a lockdown defender are D-U-N. It might be time to get him out of the rotation, Pop.

The Miami Heat: They received a sound thumping at the hands of the Charlotte Bobcats, dropping them to 1-2 on the season...with the other loss coming against the Knicks. And D-Wade isn't playing that "One of the five best players in the world" ball everybody thought he would be after his performance in the Olympics. On the bright side, Michael Beasley recovered from his awful first game to score 17 and 25 points over the weekend.

Shawn Marion: Hm...12 PPG on 43 percent shooting so far. Not what you'd expect from the guy who felt underappreciated as the highest-paid player on the Suns' roster last season. He is rebounding and blocking shots, though.

Joel Anthony: This undrafted center out of UNLV notched the season's first official one trillion. Congrats, Joel! Your prize -- a paper bag filled with poo -- is on it's way.

The Boston Celtics: A 16-point loss -- during which they were down by as many as 25 in the fourth quarter -- to the Indiana Pacers? Ouchies. Can you say championship hangover? The C's shot 34 percent and committed 24 turnovers while forcing only 12. They also missed 14 freethrows. Oh, and Paul Pierce knocked out Danny Granger's two front teeth during a battle for a loose ball. Said Kevin Garnett: "I don't even know what to call it." How about "Mucho Sucko"? "Maximum Suckage" maybe? Anybody?

Eddie House: Dude has no conscience. Saturday's line: 1-for-10 shooting, including 1-for-7 from Threeland. Update! As Kevin, who corrected my spelling of "conscience" put it: "But the way he played you could argue he wasn't conscious at all of what he was doing; it's like his arms and hands just need to get rid of the ball as soon as they touch it." But wait, there's more! Assists? Zero. Turnovers? 2. And he's the Celtics safety net at point guard, which should raise some serious red flags among the Boston faithful.

Jeff Foster, quote machine: Regarding Danny Granger's late-game dental procedure: "Losing his teeth when we're up by 16 just shows the commitment he has, and the commitment everybody else has to have, to make this climb back up the mountain." So I guess we should expect many more lost teeth by the Pacers this season. Can't wait!

The Philadelphia 76ers: Their 1-2 record is an early sign that the Sixers aren't quite ready to challenge Boston and Detroit for Eastern Conference supremacy. So is the fact that they couldn't hold a 23-point lead against the Hawks. But they do have access to all the cheese steak sandwiches they could ever want, so it all evens out I guess.

The Washington Wizards: Good God, people. It's called defense. You should really try it some time. It's not just that they let the Pistons shoot 53 percent, it's also that they let Walter Herrmann have a career day: 16 points (6-for-9), 7 rebounds, 4 assists and a steal in 23 minutes. And even that isn't as bad as letting Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown go 4-for-4 and score 8 points in less than 8 minutes. FAIL.

LeBron's O: Hey, didn't this guy lead the league in scoring last season? He's currently averaging 19.7 PPG on 43 percent shooting. He hasn't hit a three yet (0-for-9) and hasn't scored more than 22 in three games. He boarding (7.7 RPG) and dishing (9.3 APG), but his shot -- which has always been a little suspect -- actually regressed over the summer.

"Hey! Anybody seen my jump shot?
Mo Williams: I know, I know. It's way early. But still...13.3 PPG on 41 percent from the field and 31 from beyond the arc? I'm telling you, it's Larry Hughes: Part II.

Mike James: CP3's backup scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting and had 2 assists in 12 minutes. I'm telling you, Paul is going to play himself to death this season. Hey, Chris. Steve Nash feels your pain, bro.

Mavs versus Wolves: Check out the brevity of this game recap. It just screams "Nobody cares."

Rodney Carney: It's the season's second Mario! Rodney logged four seconds against the Mavericks. And while Allen Iverson probably could have gotten off three or four shots in that amount of time, Carney could not.

Chuck Hayes: Whoa, Chucky! Dude had an eight trillion...against the Oklahoma City Thunder! Holy wowsers. How can you accomplish exactly nothing in that much PT against such a lousy team? It doesn't seem possible.

Tracy McGrady's defense: He let Kevin Durant score 22 points through the first three quarters. Then Ron Artest switched onto Durant and the kid scored 4 points the rest of the way. Speaking of which...

Ron Artest, quote machine: "Sometimes you've got to treat Kevin Durant like he's Michael Jordan. You've got to treat every player like they're Jordan, play them hard." Well, he's on your team so it doesn't matter, but I'm pretty sure you won't ever have to treat Chuck Hayes like he's Michael Jordan. I'm just sayin'. Update! Basketbawful reader Brian S. reminded me of this: "When he said guard everyone like they're Michael Jordan, did he mean break their ribs like Artest did when Jordan was coming back?" Well...with Ron...you never know...

Tyrus Thomas: His first game of the season -- a 15-point, 10-rebound, 3-assist, 2-steal effort -- caused a ripple of "Maybe Tyrus Thomas has arrived!" speculation around the Chicagoland area. How easily people can be fooled. He followed the season-opener by shooting 2-for-17 against the Celtics. Why on Earth Ty Thomas would ever take that many shots in a game is beyond me. Then, against the Grizzlies, he scored 3 points on 0-for-5 shooting and committed 3 turnovers. So, you know, same old, same old.

Andrea Bargnani: In true Bargnani fashion, he followed up a hope-lifting 19-point, 8-for-10 shooting game against the Warriors by scoring zero points (0-for-3) in 17 minutes against the Bucks. Which probably proves, once again, that you can never trust a stat line that was produced against Golden State.

Andrew Bynum: He celebrated his newfound wealth by racking up more fouls (5) than points (4) against the Nuggets. He shot 0-for-1 and had 3 turnovers, too.

Luke Walton: Oh me oh my: Luke notched a Mario against Denver by playing only 29 seconds. He did, however, manage to miss a shot and grab a rebound in his half-minute of action. But still.

Carmelo Anthony: He returned of his suspension only to turn in the following craptastic line against the Lakers: 13 points, 5-for-15, 0-for-4 from the line and 5 turnovers. But he did offer the following insight: "I'm not going to worry about the offensive game for myself. I can do that with my eyes closed." Really, 'Melo? Looks to me like you really did play the game with your eyes closed.

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: More 'Melo, regarding his awful O: "I haven't had that feeling for a long time. I tell you what, I won't have it again. I'll tell you that." Oh yeah? You know I'll be watching...

Ike Diogu: A silent one trillion against the Suns. You know, Ike is one of those "project" players that everybody likes to discuss by saying "If he ever lives up to his potential...." Well, guess what? He's never living up to his potential. Ever.


The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Wolves gave the Oklahoma City Thunder their first-ever victory. Which means they must know how the Harlem Globetrotters felt the first time they lost to the Washington Generals. And the main reason this happened was...

Randy Foye: Way to kill your team, Randy: 0-for-10 shooting and 5 turnovers. Oh, and two of those shots were blocked. A real ego-ectomy special.

The Allen Iverson trade: AI to Detroit for Chauncey Billups and 'Tony McDyess? Because the Pistons need a ME-ME-ME-FIRST!! scorer handling the rock? Bad trade. Baaaaaaaaad trade.

Update! Kobe Bryant: The Dark Lord created a giant underground drill for the purpose of sending it to the Earth's core to deliver a nuclear warhead that would cause the simultaneous eruption of all the world's volcanoes. Fortunately for us all, he was narrowly thwarted by Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Initially, it looked as though the Doberman of Death was planning to hold the planet hostage, but when Powers asked if Mamba expected the world leaders to pay, he replied, "No, Mr. Powers. I expect them...to die."

Labels: Jermaine O'Neal, New York Knicks