We are currently accepting nominations for the second annual edition of the NBA Worsties, a list that describes the best of the worst of the recently concluded season. And there's a lot of it.

We'll be publishing the Worsties some time next week, so act fast. All nominations should include:

1. A title (or titles) for the entry (or entries).

2. A pithy quote/description for the entry (or entries).

3. Your preferred name/alias and/or a Web site address that can be included in the entry. (I do try to credit my sources.)

You can also -- and this would be wicked helpful -- provide story and (if available) video links to support your nomination. Submissions can be left in the comments section of this post or sent to us directly in the form of e-mails (the address is provided on the main page), smoke signals, or psychic mind-rays.

Reference: Feel free to read the 2006-07 NBA Worsties for reference. Or because they are awesome.

Labels: fan submissions, NBA Worsties

Anthony Bowie has a lot to be proud of. Despite being selected in the third round of the 1986 NBA Draft (a.k.a. "The Len Bias Draft") and spending the first several years of his "professional" career playing in the CBA and a handful of European minor leagues, he managed to eke out eight seasons worth of NBA employment. What's more, he actually became a valuable reserve for the Orlando Magic, particularly in 1991-92 when he averaged 14.6 PPG, 4.7 RPG and 3.1 APG while shooting almost 50 percent from the field and nearly 40 percent from distance. Why, he even had two nicknames ("A.B." and "Boo") and could rightly make the claim that he's one of the top 10 players to ever come out of Oklahoma! Laugh all you want, but I bet you can't say that.

However, on March 9, 1996, A.B. did something that he should not have been proud of...although he obviously was: His first (and only) career triple double. And it will live on in infamy as one of the worst cases of stat padding in league history.

Here's what happened: The Magic were leading the Detroit Pistons by 20 points when Bowie -- who was making his second start of the season in place of the injured Nick Anderson -- rebounded a Piston miss. That carom gave Bowie 20 points, 10 rebounds and 9 assists, so he quickly called timeout with 2.7 seconds left so he could go for the triple-double. Magic coach Brian Hill was so upset he handed Bowie his clipboard and stormed away. A.B. drew up a play that called for the ball to be inbounded to him and for him to throw a lob pass to David Vaughn.

Doug Collins, who was coaching the Pistons, angrily told his players to stand at the side of the court when play resumed and not contest Bowie's pass. (That'll show 'em, Doug.) They did what they were told; Vaughn dunked the ball home and Bowie got the assist and his cherished triple-double. The funny thing is, that one meek show of protest sort of epitomizes everything that was wrong with Collins as a coach...and David Stern fined him $5K for it. (Thank God he's not coming back to Chicago to coach next season.)

This is what Bowie said after the game: "I'll probably never have the opportunity to do it again. It was entirely me. Coach (Brian) Hill had nothing to do with the timeout. I knew when he gave me the board that it was up to me. You only get so many opportunities, and that's why I did it. Whether they’re going to move over or whatever they’re going to do, I'll take it. It's all the same. I ran over to tell Doug Collins the situation, that it was a great opportunity for me, but that I didn't want to make anybody mad. He didn't listen."

Imagine that.

Shaq, who was still with the Magic, supported his teammate's stat-mongery (naturally). This is what the Big Quotable had to say: "I'm glad he did it. I don't care who gets mad. Because of the talent on this team, Anthony Bowie doesn't get a chance to play a lot. He was in the CBA. A lot of people thought he couldn't make it. He got a chance. He came over here, and that's his first career triple-double. I'm glad for him and could care less if Doug Collins got mad." (It's sort of ironic that, just a couple years earlier, Shaq publically -- and very bitterly -- complained that David Robinson had padded his own stats to "steal" the 1994 league scoring title.)

Hill wasn't quite as forgiving as Shaq, and he issued an apology during his post-game interview. "I want to formally apologize to Coach Collins, his staff, the Pistons, organization and the Orlando fans for the timeout that was called. I thought it was totally uncalled for, and it's something I regret."

Of course, Hill was the guy who handed his clipboard over to Bowie and let it all happen. He could have benched him, or told his player not to do it...I mean, he was the coach, right?

Years later, Bowie remained unrepentant. When asked if embarrassing himself and his opponents was worth it, this is what he said: "To me, yes, it was worth it. You know, people can say what they want, and you know, think of me as a bad guy, but it was an opportunity for me. You know, I ended up playing the 48 minutes all the way out to the last second, that's all it was....you know, you always hear the coaches say play to the last second. And, you know, for me, it was an opportunity, you know -- who knows, I mean, I may have never got to start again, but the opportunity for me was there, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

"Would I do it again in the same situation? If I got to play the whole 48 minutes out, yes I would. I mean, people can say they wouldn't do it again, but when you're in that situation, you just never know what you're going to do. You know, we can pretend that we're going to do certain things at certain times, but when it comes down to reality, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. We really don't know what's going to happen. So I probably would do it again."

Dishonorable mentions: The Bowie story has served as a cautionary tale for future stat padders, but at least two players totally ignored it.

On March 16, 2003, Ricky Davis -- then a Cleveland Cavalier -- had accumulated 28 points, 12 assists and 9 rebounds during a blowout of the Utah Jazz. But that wasn't enough for Davis, who caught an inbounds pass with six seconds left and was about to shoot at his own basket so that he could miss and get his 10th rebound. But DeShawn Stevenson wrapped him up and spoiled his plan. Naturally, Davis showed no remorse after the game, saying: "[The Jazz] should be mad. Any team that gets beat that bad shouldn't be happy. I'd probably be mad, too, losing by 20."

Stevenson, believe it or not, actually busted on Davis for not acting professionally. "There's too many people who have done too much for this sport to act like that. This is the NBA, and you've got to be professional, and that's not professional. Yes, I think it was disrespect to the game and disrespect to me. You've got little kids looking up to him and to see him do that isn't right." Uhm, what happened to that DeShawn Stevenson? Might be time to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Of course, Davis never would have gotten his triple-double that way: Rule 5, Section 1 of the league's official rules states that: "It is a violation for a player to attempt a field goal at an opponent's basket. The opposing team will be awarded the ball at the free throw line extended." So he made himself look like a huge jackass for nothing. Awesome.

Just over a year later, on April 12, 2004, Bob Sura intentionally missed a shot right before the final buzzer and grabbed the board to "earn" a triple-double of 22 points, 11 assists and 10 rebounds. (At least he was actually shooting at the right basket.) Sura tried to cover for his superdickery joking that the shot "slipped" out of his hands. Ha. Ha.

David Stern found the situation so funny that he discounted the shot attempt on the grounds that a "slip" doesn't count as a shot since the rules clearly state that: "A field goal attempt is a player's attempt to shoot the ball into the basket for a field goal." In other words, if Sura wasn't trying to put the ball in the basket, there could be no shot attempt. And if there was no shot attempt, there could be no rebound. Gotcha, Bobby!

Unlike Bowie and Davis, at least Sura showed a little humility after getting slapped down by the league office. "I'm disappointed that my attempt to earn my third triple caused so much controversy. It was never my intention to make a mockery of our sport and to take any attention away from our huge win over the Nets. If anyone was offended by my actions, I sincerely apologize."

Labels: Athony Bowie, Bob Sura, infamy, Ricky Davis, stat padding, triple doubles, Worst Evers

Derrick Rose: This is a story of a non-pick. Everyone knows the Bulls don't need another guard and have plenty of need for an inside scorer. But the fact that Michael Beasley is the same height as Marcus Fizer and is a bit too flaky to fit Paxson's humble, hard-working, overachiever mold was enough to scare them off. The inevitable trade in the next months will determine how successful this pick was, but Rose will follow the long tradition of successful Chicago natives to play for the Bulls (see: Dave Corzine, Craig Hodges, Eddy Curry, AJ Guyton, Randy Brown). Bulls expect: Jason Kidd. Statbuster expects: A poor man's Gary Payton.

Michael Beasley: In one respect the Bulls had a legit beef with Beasley; he has the makings of a defensive liability in the pros. On top of being a shade too short for the 4, he's an average shot blocker for someone as athletic as he is. But that won't matter in Miami. Remember, Mark Blount starts for them. The Heat expect: Shawn Kemp. Statbuster expects: Antawn Jamison.

OJ Mayo: I'm beginning to wonder why the Wolves are stockpiling guards (they drafted Randy Foye, Rashad McCants and Corey Brewer the last three years). Are they preparing for a shooting guard famine of some sort? By mid-season, when Minnesota has 30 losses and OJ is backing up Marko Jaric, he will no longer deserve a cool nickname. OJ will be known here as Ovinton the Turnover-Prone Jump Shooter. (Edit: OJ drove his white Ford Bronco to Memphis for Kevin Love, but the Wolves also took on Brian Cardinal and Jason Collins. Apparently the Wolves are hoarding slow-moving stiffs with horrible contracts as well.) The Wolves Expect: Mitch Richmond. Statbuster expects: Harold Miner went to USC. I'm just sayin'.

Russell Westbrook: The fourth pick overall is too high for a 6'3" player with 12 ppg and shaky PG skills, regardless of whatever is in your shoes. If he proves to be a passable defender at SG, Kevin Durant will be able to move back to his natural position at SF, and Jeff Green can move back to his natural position at the end of the bench. The team formerly known as the Sonics expect: Monta Ellis. Statbuster expects: Juan Dixon.

Kevin Love: Kevin Love one-ups most other big men in the draft with his ability to pass and step out and hit the 3. And he is the master of the 94-foot chest pass. Love looks to be an All-Rookie First-Teamer if he can keep his chronic fatness under control. Which is no small task when you have a place like Corky's Ribs right down the street. (Edit: Kevin Love went to Minnesota for OJ Mayo and Antoine Walker. Expect them both to start next season. That should be awesome.) The Grizzlies Expect: Derrick Coleman. Statbuster expects: In true Grizzlies fashion, the rest of their roster will be culled to reduce payroll.

Danilo Gallinari: Judging by the way he was booed on draft night, Gallinari may be the most hated Italian since Benito Mussolini or Chef Boyardee. Or maybe the Isiah Era has taught Knicks fans to instinctively boo anything the team does. If he can find a way to shoot over 35%, he's a lock to steal Quentin Richardson's PT. The Knicks expect: Hedo Turkoglu. Statbuster expects: to get a lot of mileage out of that Big Cock nickname.

Eric Gordon: Eric Gordon worries me. First of all, he looks too much like Emmanuel Lewis. Plus he went to a Big Ten school, which also has implications. Not to mention he is an undersized SG that isn't much of a ball hander and only shot 43% from the field and had a 0.7 assist/turnover ratio. Some people point to the wrist injury he had late in the season, but that is just too much suckage to ignore. The Clippers expect: Hersey Hawkins. Statbuster expects: Fred Jones.

DJ Augustin: The Bobcats drafting another PG probably indicates the Raymond Felton experiment is coming to a close. DJ is a better shooter than Felton, but he suffers from short man's disease at 5'11". The list of PGs under 6'0" that made an impact in the pros is not as long as you think (Calvin Murphy, Terrell Brandon, Michael Adams, and, um..). They'll wish they took Brook Lopez when Nazr Mohammed is still clocking 30 minutes a night. The Bobcats expect: A low-budget Steve Nash. Statbuster expects: Travis Best.

Also worth mentioning...

Portland Tradeblazers 2K8: Turned the 13th into a top lottery pick (by trading Brandon Rush for Jerryd Bayless, who was projected top-five) and the 24th pick into a lottery pick (by trading for Darrell Arthur, a projected lottery guy, who they then traded to Houston) and then escaped the 2nd round with 4 future picks! Not to mention they unloaded Jarrett Jack in the process. Portland is overflowing with loot they've pillaged from inept GMs over the years. Kevin Pritchard is a genius, and I kind of hate him.

Darrell Arthur: The Kansas guys (the other being Mario Chalmers, who went in the 2nd round to Miami) will be the steals of the draft. Darrell Arthur eventually ended up in Houston, but he was in the green room for an painful length of time when a kidney ailment almost caused him to slip from the lottery to the second round. Teams were selecting Big Ten centers and 18 year old foreigners with no intent to play in the NBA while Arthur wept softly and filled out his NBDL application.

Brook and Robin Lopez: Twin 7-footers from Stanford sounds suspiciously familiar. Brook is a little better than that, but my bet is that Robin (the one with the Joakim Noah hair) will become Jarron.

Joe Alexander: Joe speaks fluent Chinese, so apparently he was drafted to help lift Yi Jianlian out of his hopeless depression. That is, until Yi was dealt to NJ for Richard Jefferson. Which means Joe will take Yi's spot on the team as the token Asian guy. Until people realize that Joe isn't Asian, which may take until mid-January. It is Milwaukee, after all.

Labels: NBA Draft

Since Statbuster was covering the draft, I decided to turn my attention to the speed, athleticism and sheer beauty of the WNBA. It did not disappoint.

Katie Douglas: The former Boilermaker scored 18 points for her team. Unfortunately, it took her 20 shots to get there. A 5-for-20 shooting line isn't good. Even by WNBA standards. And her misdirected shooting -- she lead her team in shot attempts, by the way -- was largely responsible for the Fever's triple-overtime loss to the Liberty. But hey, look at the bright side: She had only the second-worst +/- score on the team (-10).

Alison Bales and Sherill Baker: These Indiana reserves showed why they should be lacquered to the bench. Bales' one lonely rebound saved her from a four trillion, and Baker earned a Mario for her 45 seconds of nothingness.

Connecticut Sun: New England's finest (female basketball players) started the game like a fire that had recently been extinguished, scoring only 7 points in the first quarter (which, sadly, was only their second-lowest single-quarter output of the season). They shot only 32 percent for the game as starters Lindsay Whalen, Barbara Turner and Amber Hold combined to shoot 2-for-16. Add to that the nine bricked freethrows and the 16 turnovers (to only 10 assists), and the team had good reason to weep (except big girls don't cry...or so I've heard).

Detroit's fourth quarter: The Shock scored 6 points in the fourth. Wait...6 points?! It's wrong for men to hit women, but I bet Bill Laimbeer sure felt like doing it. (Not that he really needs a reason to feel like hitting someone.)

Damned evil pie: Seimone Augustus ate some pie -- presumably not baked by her -- during a pregame meal...and it threw a barf party in her stomach. Augustus' tummy was aching so badly by halftime that the Minnesota training staff said she was doubtful for the second half. But it was "pie," not "die," so Augustus returned to score 12 of her team-high 23 points in the final two quarters to lead the Lynx over the Monarchs 80-76. But the experience has left a lasting scar that may never fully heal. "I'll never eat another piece of pie before I come to the game. There was no way I was going to stay out of the game. With a game like this and so much on the line as far as playoff position, I wasn't going to miss too many minutes." That's one tuff grrl, eh?

The San Antonio Stars' bench: The Stars lost 77-71 to the Houston Comets last night despite the fact that all five of their starters scored in double-figures. But that was because their bench barely added a figure. The reserves contributed 2 points (1-for-10), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnover, and 7 fouls in about 28 minutes of lack-tion. Of course, you probably can't blame the bench for the fact that San Antonio let Houston shoot 56 percent from the field...

Bizarre promotions: The Stars hosted "Hoops Hound Night" last night. I will now let the jokes for naturally of their own accord.


Crazy Eccentric fans: I really hope this isn't true...


I have only one word for this: Hot. That Becky is one, uh, lucky girl.


Chicago Sky: The sky truly is the limit for the women of the Windy City. There literally is no upper limit to how much they can suck. Their next-to-last-in-the-league record - second only to Atlanta's 0-13 mark - fell to 3-9 after an 89-79 home loss to the Phoenix Mercury. The loss was made possible in part by 35 percent shooting (28-for-80), eight missed foul shots, and 17 turnovers. But I'll say this for the ladies: They sure did hit the boards. The Sky pulled down a franchise record 25 offensive rebounds.

Diana Taurasi, quote machine: The Phoenix forward finished with 16 points, 9 assists, and a healthy dose of incredulity regarding her team's meek surrender on the offensive glass. "They had 25 [offensive rebounds]? It felt like they had 105. You know what, we're used to getting people world records. But as long as we get the 'W' we don't mind." So by that reasoning if you let somebody eat a kitten or knock over an old lady but you still won, everything would be cool...is that what you're saying, Diana?!

The Cha Cha Slide: Uh. No. (And that's reason #373.)


Washington Mystics: The witches shot 37 percent from the field (and only 31 percent from two-point range). They missed 14 freethrows (13-for-27). They scored only 10 points in the second quarter. And they committed 17 turnovers. But here's the kicker: They won.

Los Angeles Sparks: These ladies had the dubious distinction of losing to the Mystics in overtime, thanks primarily to their three-point clankfest (3-for-12) and 21 turnovers (compared to 16 assists). Oh, and they scored zero points in the overtime session.

Michael Cooper: Can a coach dis his team and throw his starting PG under the bus in two sentences or less? Mr. Cooper thinks so. Said Coop: "It was a horrible game by us. We've got to get us a point guard, somebody who can handle pressure and do all the things that we need her to do." Way to give your girls confidence, coach.

Labels: WNBA, Worst of the Night

Even as Sam Presti prepares to select the fourth overall pick in tonight's NBA Draft, the battle wages on to determine whether the SuperSonics will be moving to Oklahoma City or staying put in Seattle. Anything can happen, but I personally think the Sonics are going to be seeing a lot less rain very shortly.

So I'd like to take a few minutes and harken back to everything the Seattle SuperSonics have given us over the years: Those back-to-back finals appearances, the 1979 league championship, that improbable run to the '87 Western Conference Finals, the most epic first round failure of all time (until the Mavericks trumped them last year), the follow-up failure, that NBA Finals appearance against the Bulls, the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, and an unforgettable cast of characters: Dale Ellis, Dennis Johnson, Detlef Schrempf, Gary Payton, Gus Williams, Jack Sikma, Lenny Wilkens, Nate McMillan, Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, Sam Perkins, Shawn Kemp, Spencer Haywood, Xavier McDaniel, and...

...Predrag Drobnjak?!

Yes, Predrag "the other Peja" Drobnjak. He was a Sonic for two largely forgettable seasons (2001-02 and 2002-03). And while his averages (about 8 PPG and 3 RPG) were nothing to write back to Montenegro about, he did make one lasting contribution to the franchise that may even surpass the extreme awesomeness of that '79 title: A series of commercials promoting the "Super Sonic Seat Sale."

Prepare for space bears, a cat named Jinkies, third-degree burns, a Brent Barry talking bobblehead, lines like "Don't probe my body," and the acting skillz of Jerome James. Originally posted at Fan IQ and With Leather (and maybe some other places I don't know about).

Labels: commercials, litigation, Predrag Drobnjak, Seattle Supersonics, space bears

Some days you just wake up and hit the jackpot. For me, today was one of those days. And in this case, the "jackpot" arrived in the form of the following e-mail from a reader named Martin.

"I recently completed a trip to China. The Chinese are famous for their use of unauthorized images of Western celebrities on billboards and other ads. I stumbled across this excellent example walking down the streets of Yonkan. It was a small billboard in front of a sex shop. An Angry looking Dwyane Wade will have a hard time to convince me to buy this sex pill. However, an angry Dwyane Wade who's on this pill, which is 'effective for man only,' might do the trick in a prison shower scene."


That look on Wade's face is pure pricelessness. It's the perfect (and somewhat bizarre) mixture of shock, rage and unsurpassed joy. It's like the pill just caused his penis to spontaneously grow ten feet and then explode. (My guess? That's the expression he made when the the Miami's 2007-08 season finally came to an end.)

Bad news for the erectionally-challenged: Based on my own experiments with Chinese penis supplements -- done solely for the sake of scientific curiosity of course - I can tell you that the "time delay" lasts roughly forever. So do yourself and your genitals a favor and buy your fake Viagra from Canada or Mexico like everybody else.

Update! Basketbawful reader DavidD had this to add: "That looks like the NBA Live 06 (?) cover shot of Wade. Or that could be his reaction to Star Jones naked...." Now, personally, I thought it was the latter. Turns out it was actually the former. That is, indeed, Wade's cover shot from the Xbox 360 version of NBA Live 06. And I'm guessing that the makers of the Sueper Sex time delay capsules did not get permission from D-Wade or EA Sports ("It's in the game!").

Labels: celebrity endorsements, Dwyane Wade, sex

I will never again be able to ride in an elevator with an old white lady without wondering whether she's secretly (and rather breathlessly) fantasizing about being a huge black man. Of course, if she was really the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, she'd be bathing in Twinkie filling and sweating out a few dozen late child support payments.

Labels: old ladies, old school commercials, Shawn Kemp

This clip wasn't included in the "You Got Ginobli'd" video, but it may very well be our favorite Ginobili Special: Manu flops not once but twice on the same possession. But the best part, without question, is the first flop...which is actually a double flopparoonie with Steve Nash, who comically splays his arms and legs out after he falls. This is much more rare than hot chicks with douchebags (which, as it turns out, isn't that rare at all).

Enjoy it. Supposedly this kind of stuff won't happen next season...

Labels: flopping, Manu Ginobili, Steve Nash, Videos

Joe Arpaio -- known far and kind of wide as "America's Toughest Sheriff" -- has de-deputized The Big Law Enforcer for his use of profanity and (especially) the dreaded N-word during that freestylin' Shaq Rap Attack on Kobe Bryant.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the backstory: Arpaio, sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, presented Shaq with a special deputy badge in January 2006 after The Big Constable visited Maricopa County. The Big Flatfoot was then given a second badge when he was promoted to the rank of special-deputy colonel of his posse -- a volunteer organization of crime-fighting citizens -- after he and the Miami Heat won the NBA championship in 2006.

Said Arpaio: "I do believe in free speech, but I don't believe that in law enforcement to use this type of language is proper. We set an example, a moral, ethical example and I would like to think that basketball players and all athletes should be setting a positive attitude for our young people. He has some type of representation of this office. I just want my badges back. I don't want anybody to say that he has my badges and I condone this type of activity."

I guess Joe hadn't seen this old TNT interview before he deputized Shaq...


He must have also missed Shaq's "racially insensitive" comments on Yao Ming.

Of course, The Big Humorist explained to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith that he was just funnin'. But Arpaio was forced to shenanigans...particularly since he had fired a cadet last April for using the N-word in the presence of other officers. "Is that an excuse? That you're joking? What's that got to do with it? You've still got to be held responsible for your actions. I can't have a double-standard. I can't fire one deputy for using a word and just let him get a pass when he's got my badges. You do the right thing, no matter who he is."

The right thing. Okay. I guess I can see that. Except I have a sneaking suspicion that, in the first place, Arpaio only deputized Shaq for the sake of publicity. And taking back the badges is also being done for publicity, and probably to "make a point" to his other deputies and deputy wannabes. But it seems a little hypocritical to me. I mean, Shaq filmed Kazaam and recorded Shaq-Fu [Da Return] long before he was awarded honorary cop powers in Maricopa County. If Arpaio disregarded those crimes against humanity, then surely he could have overlooked Shaq's silly little anti-Mamba rap.

Not everybody is ripping on the Big Improver for his extemporaneous limerick, though. Rappers Snoop Dogg, Nas and Cory Gunz have spoken up to let everybody know it's all cool. Snoop, who's a big Lakers fan, said: "I love it, because it only makes for a great game on the court. Both of them is rappers; they tried rapping before. They know ain't no rules when it comes to rapping. Shaq has all access and the right to do and say what he wants to say in fun, in the spirit of rap."

Nas sort of said the same thing in, uh, stronger terms. "I heard about it. Shaq is my man — f*** Kobe. Nas' wife Kelis, who was in the background talking to her friends, said "Big up to Shaq."

Gunz, who was celebrating his birthday with Shaq during the rap, said: "It's all in fun. People thought he was doing it just to take shots at Kobe. He's not even thinking about [Kobe] like that. As a matter of fact, it's no bitterness towards Kobe at all. It was all done in fun to get the crowd hype. That's what real MCs do: get the crowd involved."

There you have it. So all you cracker sheriffs out there can just calm the hell down. This is hip hop man, hip hop!

Fun fact: Arpaio got the moniker "America's Toughest Sheriff" because he banned smoking in the jail, feeds inmates bologna, makes non-English speakers learn English, runs chain gangs, and forces prisoners to wear pink underwear. To which I can't help but think: That makes him America's "toughest" sheriff? As far as I'm concerned, lunchmeat sandwiches and mildly feminine boxer shorts should be the least of an inmates worries. They should be eating broken glass and smashing rocks 28 hours a day. They're prisoners. I'm just sayin'.

Labels: Cory Gunz, Fun Police, Joe Arpaio, Nas, Shaq, Snoop Dogg

Shaqenfreude (shak'-uhn-froid'-uh) noun. The pleasure that one basketball player derives from pointing out and/or mocking the misfortune of another player or players. The target can be anyone, but in most cases, it is a bitter, long-time rival.

Usage example: Kareem's "An Open Letter to Wilt ChumperLame" was pure Shaqenfreude.

Word history: The term was coined by Eoin of Psychadelic Kimchi in response to the Big Scorner's recent freestyle Shaq Attack on former teammate and continuing antagonist Kobe Bryant. It is, of course, a parody of the term Shadenfreude, which is the enjoyment taken from another person's misfortune.

But don't think for a minute that The Big Creaky invented this phenomenon. Shaqenfreude isn't a new thing. Not by a long shot. For example, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar -- after a few decades worth of back-and-forth acrimony with Wilt Chamberlain -- included "An Open Letter To Wilt Chumperlame" in his 1989 self-titled autobiography. The rambling "correspondence" goes on for three long and bitter pages, and it includes lines like "Muhammad Ali, he set the record straight on your attributes, saying to me, 'Wilt can't talk, he's ugly and he can't move!' Which says it all. So when I dropped those fifty points on you at the Forum...I was just taking advantage of your weak defensive skills." and "People will remember that I worked with my teammates and helped us win. You will be remembered as a whining crybaby and a quitter, stats and all."

Classy stuff, huh?

Labels: fan submissions, Kobe Bryant, rivalries, Shaq, Word of the Day

I wrote a playoff recap for Deadspin. It's basically a series of one-sentence summaries of all the zany shenanigans that took place from the first round through the Finals: From menacing hand gestures to payback hits on Zaza Pachulia to third-person self-referentiality to bitchslaps to improbable threes to crazy mom attacks...you name it, it's in there, with plenty of links to related stories, pictures and videos.

So don't just sit there: Go read it. It will make your mom love you again. I promise.

Labels: Deadspin, NBA playoffs, recaps

Ah, that crazy Shaq. On Sunday night, the Big Geritol shoveled a huge scoop of dirt on the Lakers' playoff grave by taking a few not-even-remotely subtle shots at his favorite dart board: Kobe Bryant.

Shaq was freestyle rapping at a New York city club when he dropped some classic Hack-A-Mamba lines, including "Kobe couldn't do without me," "I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced," and the soon-to-be-really-famous "Kobe...tell me how my ass tastes" And for your viewing pleasure, here's the video (originally posted on the TMZ Web site):


Typically, Shaq is already downplaying the whole thing. As he told ESPN's Stephen A. Smith: "I was freestyling. That's all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC's do. They freestyle when called upon. I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."

Uh huh.

Look, I might be a quarter-aged cracker with no idea what the freestyle rapping world is all about, but I do know that many a truth is said in jest. And Shaq has perfected the art of playfully -- but seriously -- criticizing any and everybody he feels hasn't shown him the proper respect. And regardless of their supposed reconciliation, Kobe will forever headline the Big Revenger's list of top offenders.

So was he clowning? Yes. But does he honestly believe what he said? Probably also yes. And it's unfortunate that he has to have his fun by bringing all this stuff back up.

Kobe, for his part, has thus far remained silent. And I figure he'll stay silent until the next time the Lakers play the Suns, at which time he'll probably light Phoenix up for 40+ and ask Shaq how his ass tastes.

Update! As super pointed out, in busting on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar during his freestylin', Shaq broke Ordinance 2257 of the Big Man Pecking Order Code: No big man under should talk about a big man above. Last time I checked, Kareem is the league's all-time leading scorer and has six MVPs and six titles. So, based on his own reasoning, Shaq should do to himself what he did to Greg Ostertag all those years ago.

Fun fact: The Shaq-Kobe feud has it's own Wikipedia page. Seriously.

Labels: ass tasting, disses, Kobe Bryant, rapping, Shaq

Calvin Murphy (kal'-vin mur'fe) noun. Denotes those occasions when a player finishes with 14 points and either 9 rebounds or 9 assists.

Usage example: I had a Calvin Murphy in a church league game last night: 14 points and 9 boards.

Word history: The term was coined by Ryan of Loudvillain, who created it "in honor of Calvin Murphy, who is thought to have had 14 children with nine different women. Not to be confused with a 'Kemp Dozen.'" It has been officially inducted into the Basketbawful Hall of Statistical Anomalies, along with the one trillion, the Mario, and whatever else you wanna name...

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fan submissions, Word of the Day

Proponents of Chronological Snobbery regularly (and loudly) make the case that today's NBA player is superior in every way to the NBA player of yesterday: Like the Six Million Dollar Man -- better, stronger, faster. And it is to those people I submit this picture of Glen "Big Baby Man Boob" Davis from the Celtic championship parade.


Now, here's what I want to know. Supposedly, Kevin Garnett's matchless intensity puts the whammy on his Celtic teammates, forcing them to emulate him in every way. If that is indeed the case, why wasn't it enough to make Davis put down the Twinkies? And why did Glen feel the need to take his shirt off? Going topless is kind of like wearing spandex: It's a privilege, not a right.

The list of Things Big Baby Should Not Do isn't limited to flashing his jiggly-wigglies to the people of Boston. It also includes giving the Larry O'Brien Trophy a champagne-and-tongue bath.


Yeah. "Gak" is exactly what I was thinking too. But hey, I guess I can kinda-sorta forgive him. I mean, you can'ta fake passion like this. However, it's usually better if you avoid having it caught on camera. And trust me, I speak from experience.


Bionic bonus footage!! That random mention of the Six Million Dollar Man -- not to mention seeing Big Baby's beastly physique -- reminded me of the awesomest episode of any TV series ever: The one where Steve Austin fought Bigfoot. But before all you hippies start getting your panties in a bunch, don't worry. No actual Bigfoots were harmed in the making of this video. It was actually a robot Bigfoot created by space aliens to protect their secret mountain lair. And no, I'm not making that up. Bonus points if you can identify who played the Bigfoot.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, man boobs

Maybe it's only because I check up on Boston sports regularly, but I've never seen more multi-sport promotional events than in the Boston area - specifically with the Red Sox. It doesn't really matter who's won what - or even IF they've won - if the Red Sox can come up with a cross-promotion marketing opportunity, they're gonna do it, and BIG. New England Patriots players have been to Fenway innumerable times, either to celebrate their own success, help celebrate the Red Sox success, or just have a little "embarrassment-of-Boston-sports-riches" sports theme...

Members of the New England Patriots visit Fenway two months ago to
commemorate...uhm...the most historic failure in NFL history?
So this past week it was the Boston Celtics' turn to have a Red Sox party, and the Red Sox didn't half-ass it - even THEY wore green. They also renamed the Green Monster the Really-Green-TD-Banknorth-Garden-Monster, and declared Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz and Josh Beckett "The-Other-Big-Three-Who-Don't-Deserve-To-Be-Called- The-Big-Three" for a day.

Paul Pierce declares himself "Safe!" at second. From tackypromotions, however, Pierce declares self not safe whatsoever.
The Finals MVP also tossed out the first pitch with four Larry O'Brien Trophies standing in front of the mound. Notice the 'I'm street' cock-angled baseball cap. Wasn't it David Stern who implemented the strict dress code for NBA players? Well, you got one thing right, Commish.

Moments later, Pierce tries to wrestle the glove from Red Sox secondbaseman Dustin Pedroia and screaming "Can't you see I got game?!"
And finally, in honor of cross-sport bloopers, here's yet another messed up Yahoo sports page. Apparently, there are a lot of hockey players now playing in the NBA, as evidenced by Yahoo's "NBA Photo Gallery."


Here's to you Yahoo Sports - You can barely get things right during the season, so when the season's over, you really ease off the accuracy pedal. Oh, and here's a belated thanks for making me hasten out to a bar because I thought the Celtics-Pistons playoff game was a must-be-seen 32-32 tie with 6 minutes left in the third quarter (a near miraculously low-scoring game), when it was in fact 32-32 with 6 minutes left in the 2nd (a not quite so scramble-out-the-door-to-see-it amazing score). Yeah, I know I need to get cable TV so I can just turn on ESPN, but that doesn't make your sports pages suck any less.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Fenway, Paul Pierce, Red Sox

You've probably already seen/read/heard about about how Kevin Garnett got down and kissed the Celtic logo after Boston clenched their 17th title by throttling the Lakers. But only Basketbawful reader AK Dave sent in a picture of it with the following message: "I think you can see what KG is doing to the Leprechaun. Apparently he's doing something right, judging by the wink-and-smile the 'receiver' is displaying."

Wow. I guess they really are always after his "lucky charms"...

Labels: Boston Celtics, fan submissions, leprechauns, man love

It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).

Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.

Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.

E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.

This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.

One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)

Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."


The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp

What was the most impressive aspect of Boston's epic ass-kickery of the Lakers in Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals? It's not what you think. Or...is it? Said the Mamba: "I've seen some pretty stiff ones and this was right up there with them."

Um, no comment.

Labels: Kobe Bryant, Out of Contexts, stiffies

Note: First, I'd like to thank Hersey for the photo of Big Baby posing with the Larry O'Brien Trophy. (Supahstah!!) Second, excuse me if this post is rambling and poorly written. I've been waiting 22 years for this. As a consequence: I can't brain today. I have the dumb.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Damn. I mean...damn. Game 6 was a massacre. It was a slaughter of epic, even Biblical proportions. And I'm talking real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years Forty-eight minutes of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!

Okay. I think I've reached my quota of Waltonisms for the day.

But seriously, sitting -- and jumping, and dancing, and high-fiving -- through that carnage was the basketball-viewing equivalent of watching a kitten get skinned alive and dropped into a piranha tank. The Lakers lost by 39 points. I'm going to type that out again because I find it strangely erotic: L.A. lost by 39 freaking points. And yes, that is indeed an NBA Finals record for margin of victory in a championship clencher. The Celtics started the game intense, and that intensity seemed to grow and grow and kept on growing until the Laker spirit was broken like a little piece of something that is very breakable.

I have not witnessed a defeat so brutal -- so irrevocably and unquestionably final -- since this one time at Mardi Gras when an unnamed buddy dragged me back out to a bar at 4 a.m. so he could hook up with a skanky waitress who had clearly (to me at least) been flirting with him several hours previously for the express purpose of selling as many shots as possible. We found her crumpled against a wall and looking miserable. She had a tray with three shots left. My buddy went straight up to her and, with all the eagerness of a puppy humping a leg, asked when her shift ended. She said: "As soon as I sell these last three shots, I get to leave." He then asked what she was doing "later" (read that: can we have sex?). She groaned and replied: "I'm going home. I've been working for 12 hours straight. I'm so tired. And before I even came to work, my baby daddy grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against a wall. So it's been a long day." Then she kind of whimpered and added: "Please. I just wanna go home..."

My buddy pulled out a $20 bill and said: "I just want you to be happy." Then he wadded the cash into a ball, stuffed it back into his pocket, and walked away. That is pure and unfiltered superdickery, my friends. I think the poor girl would have burst into tears if she'd had any strength left. Either that or punk-slapped him. One or the other.

(For the record, he claims he does not remember doing this, and that he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been almost-falling-down drunk. But he still laughs every time I retell the story, so I can't help but wonder...)

I have to admit: I had mixed feelings about the blowout. On the one hand, I loved it. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those fans who wants his team to win in thrilling, last-minute fashion. I like it when they secure the game early so I can wipe the sweat off my hands and just enjoy it. Plus, it eliminates any what-ifs. I mean, had the game been close, we might have had to listen all summer to Laker fans saying it could have gone either way.

On the other hand...it started to feel a little anti-climactic in the fourth quarter. Except for a spurt of aggression here or there, it felt like the Lakers were just playing out the clock. Or maybe it just felt that way. I don't know. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I feel like I'm losing a little perspective. So let me get into some individual insults...

Mark Jackson: This guy has been slobbing Kobe Bryant's knob since the playoffs started. Is he on the Lakers' payroll? Is he an official member of Mamba's posse? What's the deal? It reached the point where I made the conscious decision to smash my TV if I heard him call Kobe "the best player in the world" one more time. (Fortunately for me and my TV, I changed my mind.) During (I think) the second quarter last night, Jackson uttered the following brain-turd: "Paul Pierce realizes that Kobe Bryant is the better player, the best player in the world, but he says 'You know what, that doesn't mean I can't outplay him in a seven-game series.'" As Basketbawful reader Jin pointed out in an e-mail: "I'm not entirely sure, but doesn't outplaying someone in a seven-game series generally mean they aren't better than you, and that they aren't the best player in the world?" Generally, yes, that's exactly what it means.

Bottom line (and I've been saying this for years): Being the best scorer does not mean being the best player. Have we all finally learned this? Michael Jordan just so happened to be both the best scorer and the best player. Kobe is one but not the other. End of argument. (For now.) Speaking of Mamba...

Kobe Bryant: Kobe started out on fire in the first quarter -- 11 points, 4-for-5 shooting, a trio of triples -- just like in Game 5. And just like in Game 5, he cooled off in a big way. Actually, it was worse than a cooling off. It was a freaking Ice Age. Kobe scored 11 points and shot 3-for-15 over the final three quarters. He finished with 3 boards, 1 assist and 4 turnovers. And frankly, his performance didn't even feel that good. I haven't seen Mamba go down that meekly since that infamous Game 7 against the Suns in 2006.

Let it be known far and wide that, for this season at least, the Boston Celtics shut down Kobe Bryant. I mean, I honest-to-goodness stopped fearing him. Up until last night, I had been waiting for Kobe to have an Elgin Baylor game (so named for the time Elgin dropped 61 on the Celtics in the 1962 Finals). It didn't happen. And going into last night's game, I finally realized it wasn't going to happen. Not this year. Not against this team. Not against this defense.

Phil Jackson: The Lakers are young and, once Andrew Bynum gets back, they should be strong enough to contend for a title for the next three or four years (barring injury). So I guess he'll have another few cracks at surpassing Red Auerbach for most titles won by an NBA coach. But it didn't happen this year. Phil was outcoached by the combination of Doc Rivers (who knew exactly how to reach his players) and Tom Thibodeaux (whose defensive schemes, I'm convinced, could hold off an alien invasion). I love that this happened during the same season in which he was inducted into the Hall of Fame.

The best part is, his little faux Zen mind tricks didn't work. And they just made him look like the big, slimy douche he's always been (it just looks better when you're winning). He openly questioned and mocked Paul Pierce after his Game 1 knee injury, which would be fine if he was simply a fan...but as an opposing coach, that was pretty low class. He whined about the officiating in Game 2. He made unsubstantiated claims that Kevin Garnett was talking trash to Kobe after the Celtic comeback in Game 4. And last night he looked simply disgusted with his team for most of the night. And yeah, maybe he had a right to be, but it's hard not to compare his "I can't believe my guys are shitting the bed" reaction to Doc Rivers' "Don't stop believing!" mantra when his team was down 24 in Game 4. Phil's behavior led to greater disintegration. Doc's led to the greatest comeback in NBA Finals history. 'Nuff said.

Pau Gasol: I have dubbed him the Spanish Marshmallow, but now I have to question that decision. I'm not sure he's even that tough. He is soft and week. I read somewhere this morning that he was "terrified" of the expectations put on him by the Lakers organization and fans. Well, I can believe it. Hey, maybe that Kwame Brown trade wasn't such a steal after all. (I'm kidding; it totally was.)

For the record, people should not lay this loss at the feet of Lamar Odom. Yes, he shot 2-for-8. But he went to the line 16 times and had a team-high 10 rebounds. I'm just sayin'...

The Lakers' rebounding: They got pounded on the boards 48-29 and had only 2 offensive rebounds (one each for Kobe and Sasha Voojychick) compared to 14 for the Celtics.

The Lakers' butterfingers: They turned the ball over 19 times. And 18 of those were Celtic steals, which constituted an NBA Finals record for a single game. The Lakers big guns (Kobe, Gasol, Odom) had 12 of those bumbles.

Certain Lakers fans: The Purple and Gold army didn't get to watch Game 6 on the big screen at the Staples Center because of what happened during a similar setup for Game 2: A Celtics jersey was attacked by a mob and struck with a chair. Ultimately, this was probably a good thing for them. But still...what a bunch of idiots. Who does that? Lakers fans, apparently. (And no, I'm not laying this tag on all L.A. fans.)

Certain Celtics fans: Hey guys. I'm happy for the Celtics, too. But don't desecrate Red's statue, mmmkay? There's a right way to celebrate and a wrong way. That's the wrong way.

Speaking of which, several idiots were arrested in Boston after the game for "tearing apart park benches, flipping over flower pots, trash barrels, and newspaper boxes, and trying to light fires with the garbage." What is it about winning that makes people start acting like rabies victims? Want to see some of the damned fools in action? Here you go:


Michelle Tafoya: She provided more proof -- as if we needed any -- that all sideline reporters (with the possible exception of Cheryl Miller) are inane and useless. Look, ABC (and anyone else who broadcasts live sporting events): If you want window dressing, just hire a Hooters girl and show her on air every 10 minutes or so. We don't need updates like "This is taking a lot longer than it should to wash out an eye." Nor do we want them. I didn't just arrive on this planet. I know it takes about two seconds to wash out an eye, okay?

Kevin Garnett: He's my boy and all, but post-game interview with Michelle was insane enough to earn him a lifetime's worth of Tommy Points. I'm not going to say anything else about it. Watch for yourself.


Update! Sam Cassell: Oops. I almost forgot Sam-I-Am. Last night he earned two things: A DNP-CD and an NBA title. His game of championship piggyback is now complete. (Thanks for the reminder, Rainbow Brite.)

Update! NBA.com: Basketbawful readers Austen and Mithat both noticed that NBA.com thought the Lakers won 92-131 last night. And Mithat even got me a screen capture...


Update! Brian Scalabrine: Best. Press conference. Ever. I never knew Brian had such a cutting wit. Or any wit at all. (Thanks, Danny.)


Update! Me: In today's NBA Closer column on Deadspin, I noted that Rajon Rondo had a great game in the face of the fact that everybody outside of the Boston locker room had given up on him. I had also said, more than once, that he should have been benched in favor of Eddie House or even The Human Gun (aka Sam Cassell). The Lakers has so disregarded his offense that Rondo looked afraid to shoot, especially in L.A. To his credit, he came out aggressive last night. And even though he wasn't hitting early, he kept jacking it up and finished with 21 points on a team-high 20 shots. Moreover, his aggressiveness spilled over onto the defensive end, where he had a game-high 6 steals (the entire Laker team, by contrast, had a total of 4 steals). My point: Doc knew what he was doing in sticking by the kid...and I was wrong.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Phil Jackson

Pregame

Stuart Scott asks D. Wade what advice he has for Kobe Bryant. Wade says Kobe needs to distribute the ball and get his teammates involved (I’m half expecting him to say “Hope for a ton of phantom foul calls in your favor.” He doesn’t.)

I have a foreboding feeling about Game 6. Perkins won't be at full strength (but at least he'll play – frankly, I'd question his toughness if he didn't), and Ray Allen stayed back in L.A. for an extra day because of a sick kid. Oh yeah, and the Celtics plane was delayed 5 hours due to "mechanical problems" in L.A. Yeah, right. That Laker plane took off on time (maybe air traffic control in Boston should have made the yellow and purple circle Boston airspace for 5 hours).

Wilbon, Barry, Wade all calling for a Celtics victory...hate when my team gets a unanimous vote. Bad omen. Last unanimous commentator vote: Patriots to win the Superbowl, and by a landslide. Yeah, right.

Team introductions. Why do the Lakers get kick ass opening music? Why do they get any music at all? Shouldn't they at least get Star Wars "Evil Empire" music? (Note from Basketbawful: That's called The Imperial March, ET.)

Rondo is in the starting lineup...chills. Please play better at home, Rajon.

Bill Russell, Cedric Maxwell, Jo Jo White, M.L. Carr in the stands – which of these things is not like the others? I’ll give you one guess, M.L. Still, this is a far better brand of "stadium celebrity" than we saw in L.A.

1st Quarter

11:46, 1st – Phantom foul on Perkins. Stern wants 7 games?

11:00, 1st – Pierce blocking foul. Mediocre call. Or maybe these are just the officials' 1st quarter "we're gonna show the world there isn't home cooking" calls. Or maybe these are the "we're gonna keep this from being a 'physical home court' game" calls.

10:13, 1st – Rondo passes up another drive for an Allen 3.

9:00, 1st – Kobe hits second three. Yikes. Could be a long night.

Van Gundy mentions a broken windshield on the Celtics' family plane causing another delay. Apparently, airport employee Laker fans wanted the Celtic families to be tired for game 6 as well.

"Defense" chant for the Celts every time. Feels like a more "into it" crowd than in LA.

5:25, 1st – Kobe's third three. He'll cool off.

Bill Belichick and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler in the stands. Not quite Russell and Hondo, but still a better brand of celeb (Tyler's cool offsets Belicick's nerdiness).

Replay of Ray Allen's lay up shows Odom slapped him in the face - hard. No foul called. Officiating work continues it's sensational record of blindness.

Celtics' shooting has sucked, but it's tied at 14. Good sign for Celtics fans.

3:30, 1st – Walton hits 2 free throws. Wondering if Larry Bird's "Good Luck" phone call to Luke has added some sort of cosmic curse to the Green.

2:30, 1st – Rondo with third steal. Looking to prove detractors wrong.

1:38, 1st – Rondo alley oop to KG. 22-18 Celtics. You can almost hear Rondo saying "See? I do other stuff too!" Yes, but only at home, apparently.

:20, 1st – Kobe forces a three from five feet behind the three-point line. His opening flurry has ended. I expect him to force shots from this point forward.

2nd Quarter

10:35, 2nd – House hits a jumper. He's shooting the ball before he even gets it, this guy.

9:57, 2nd – Doc gets a technical for complaining. Joey Crawford calls it. There’s an official who conjures memories, eh Tim Duncan?

8:12, 2nd – Allen still in the locker room tending to an eye injury on a play that was not called a foul. I forgot he was gone. If the Celtics lose, I'll remember.

6:27, 2nd – Posey and House with rat-tat-tat threes. Celtics by 9. Feels good, but not good enough. No leads, not any of them, feel safe.

6:05, 2nd – Eye doctor into the locker room, Michele Tafoya says this is "taking a lot longer than it should to wash out an eye." On cue, Ray appears from the locker room. He probably realized he needed to stay out for much longer than Pierce did in Game 1 so nobody would make fun of him for having a "fake" injury.

5:25, 2nd – Kobe implodes, practically giving the ball to Pierce, who passes to Posey for a three. Celtics by 14. Don't get lazy, I think. Eliminate now. Don't let this go to game 7.

4:44, 2nd – Allen returns. Crowd goes nuts...well, cheers at least.

4:27, 2nd – Gasol hooks over Davis. Why are you still using him on Gasol, Doc?

3:48, 2nd – Radmanovic over Pierce, and called for over the back. Ticky-tick call – Rad got a little Ginobili’d by Pierce there.

2:38, 2nd – Rondo's fourth steal. Showing what he can contribute…

1:15, 2nd – Rondo sinks a little finger roll to make it an 18-point lead.

:47, 2nd – KG with the highlight of the game so far, knocking home a bank shot while being fouled by Odom. Follows it with a huge block.

Halftime:

Celtics 58-35. Pierce tells Michele Tafoya "We want it too bad to let up on the gas." Amen. Don't let up, Paul. Twenty point leads don't mean a lot in this series (though if the Celts D keeps it up, the lead will mean plenty. This lead, for some reason, feels safer than the Laker leads did. Home court advantage and the defense gives warm fuzzies about this lead.)

Lakers with ZERO offensive rebounds. No team wins that way. KG 8 for 12, getting in the paint as instructed. 2nd quarter shooting: Celtics: 56%, Lakers 23%. Kobe has taken 7 threes...keep taking those all day Kobe. Feels like the last live blog of the season. I hate that feeling, cause I don't trust my feelings. Big believer in the jinxing of one's self and one's team – even though it's a ridiculous belief. Or is it?

Stuart Scott and D Wade have already coronated the Celtics as the Champs. Hate that kind of certainty because that kind of certainty is not reality. Ever. Not with one half of basketball left to play.

3rd Quarter

11:30, 3rd – Rondo opens with a jumper. Like that as a start.

Breen reminds of the near historic collapse of the Celtics in Game 2 (24-point lead in the 4th to 2!). Seems like forever ago, but it brings home how NO lead is safe for either team.

9:52, 3rd – Fisher hits lay up with a three-point opportunity. Celts by 24. Must keep the foot on the gas. Any life will give the Lakers confidence.

9:10, 3rd – Pierce left handed drive makes it 67-41. There is a sense that there's no way he will let this game get away.

7:32, 3rd – Rondo Steal leads to an Allen corner three attempt. Ray stands there for a good two seconds waiting for Vujacic to play defense. Sinks three. Boston 73, LA 46.

Shot of John Havlicek watching the game. Mark Jackson: "Hondo lovin' what Rondo's doing." Dammit, I thought of that first, but Mark has a microphone.

Shot of Red Auerbach II – I mean Danny Ainge. He looks concerned despite the 77-48 score. He's played the Lakers before. He knows.

5:09, 3rd – KG earns a jump ball with a nasty five-finger ball smother chicken on Gasol.

4:38, 3rd – Rondo tips home a KG miss. The man is playing possessed.

4:03, 3rd – Pierce steal (the 13th Celts steal of the game!) leads to free throws. Celts 84, LA 53. Still doesn't feel safe, not with all the leads that have been lost in this series.

2:31, 3rd – Rondo picks Kobe's pocket (his 6th steal of the game). He is making the most solid case ever that he should start – in the Garden anyway.

1:47, 3rd – Celtics seem to be relaxing a bit. Hope it's an illusion.

1:00, 3rd – Lead down to 25. Back to 29 at the end of the third. So in theory, you could not even count the Celtics scoring in the fourth and they could still win. Things that go through a Celtics fan's mind at this point? They almost botched a 24-point lead in Game 2. It's not over.

4th Quarter

11:00, 4th – Missed free throw rebound (three Celtics miss it) goes to Vujacic, V hits a three. Lead down to 26. Here we go.

10:44, 4th – Farmar called for a flagrant on Rondo breakaway. Feels like he got a little Ginobili’d there for a flagrant. God, I like that term.

10:06, 4th – Ray Allen answers a Farmar three with his own. Again stands there all day for a perfect look. Vujacic defense shows up three days later.

9:07, 4th – Another Ray Allen three. Celtics 101-70. OK, feels like it's over. Hate writing those words. Never feel like there are certainties. Also, I think "If I feel it's over, will the Celtics feel it's over as well and stop playing hard?"

Stats show Rondo with 21 points (plus his 6 assists and 6 steals). In my head, I officially apologize to him.

8:39, 4th – Ray Allen with another three. Lead is 34. I am reminded of Kobe's flurry of opening quarter threes he has had in the last few games, and it makes me think of the critical difference between opening "flurries" and the consistent diet of sharpshooting that Allen provides.

5:19, 4th – Ray Allen hits his 7th three. Ray Allen, meet jugular vein. Jugular vein, meet Ray Allen. Guess that eye injury has healed nicely.

In Doc's O'Brien trophy photo shoot, he chose not to touch it. Says he wants to earn it, and only then wants to be able to "touch it as often I want." Insert dirty joke here.

Crowd singing "goodbye" song with 4:30 remaining? Now that's a blowout for you.

4:01, 4th – Allen, Pierce, Garnett taken out of the game. Hugs and kisses on the Celtics' bench.

2:33, 4th - Posey three makes it 123-85. Random thought: For those who like to compare Kobe to MJ, has a Jordan team ever been beaten this soundly in a Finals game, much less any playoff game? Don't have an answer, but I'm curious.

2:07, 4th – 39-point lead. Waiting for that inevitable Lakers run. That's just how fans think. OK, just kidding – I know it's over.

:48, 4th – Vujacic holds his nose after a three. Still looking for that flagrant, even down 40.

Doc gets Gatoraded. Never seen that on a basketball court before. Kinda hoping that doesn’t become a trend – you know how hard it is to clean Gatorade off hardwood? Neither do I. But who wants to find out?

Random celebration observations:

After an odd screaming fit, Garnett has some nice moments with Bill Russell. Random phrases I hear out of KG: "Hope I made you proud...Thanks for everything...You have to tell me where to go tonight [to celebrate]."

During the ceremony, when Stern says "Somewhere Red is lighting a cigar," Wyc Grousbeck, managing partner of the Celts, takes a cigar out of his lapel pocket...as Stern goes on another tangent, Wyc (what kind of name is that anyway?) puts the cigar away with a darn-it-I-can't-make-that-cutsie-comment-I-had-ready look on his face.

Stern booed as he presents MVP award. Rightfully so.

MVP to Paul Pierce. Rightfully so.

Ainge gets head rubs from Pierce and Garnett. Something tells me people will treat Danny like a grade school kid until he's 60.

Do I see Glen "Big Baby" Davis holding Pierce's Finals MVP award during the on-court photo? I imagine he's thinking "only time I'm gonna get my hands on one of these."

Phil Jackson calls "Powe" POW again in the postgame. George Bush Sr. used to intentionally mispronounce Saddam's name as a sign of disrespect. I wonder if Phil's doing it intentionally as well.

Scott Pollard looks awfully out of place dancing and singing in the locker room. I didn’t even know he was on the team.

KG postgame comments – "Except for my kid being born, this is the best day of my life..." waiting for him to hug Apollo Creed and follow with "Yo Adrian, I DID IT!" Refuses to accept Big Three as an appropriate term – makes me like him even more.

Congratulations to the World Champion 2008 Boston Celtics. It was fun to watch.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, game 6, Lakers, Live blog

Ginobili (gi-nob'-blee) verb. 1. To flop in response to minimal (or perhaps fictitious) contact in order to draw a foul. 2. To greatly overreact to little or no physical stimuli for personal gain.

Usage example: The guy I was guarding just toppled over and started writhing around. I barely touched him, but he got the foul call and his team won the game. I totally got Ginobili'd.

Word history: This word, inspired by Reebok's You got Rondo'd viral video campaign, is destined to become the standard term for describing athletes who needlessly dive, flail, flop, tumble, and/or thrash about for a foul call (and extrapolates to refer to any person who overreacts to minimal physical contact for personal gain). Sure, there are plenty of players who behave this way, but Manu is by far our favorite. Manu, you may not have won the title this year, but you'll always be first our heart -- our cynical, sarcastic heart, that is.

And now...prepare to be Ginobili'd (thanks to the great Basketbawful for his acting performance that, in my opinion, rivals even the standard-bearing Manu himself):


Phonetastic extra: Ever wonder how to pronounce Araujo, Garbajosa, Jasikevicius, Tsakalidis, or Vinicius? Then go check out The International NBA Players Pronunciation Guide.

Labels: flop, flopping, Ginobili'd, Manu Ginobili, spoof, video

Last August, I did an interview with Basil Anastassiou, co-creator of an upcoming documentary called "Ballin' At The Graveyard: A story about life and pickup basketball at one American park." The documentary is still in the editing phase, but several preview clips are available at the official Web site.

The latest clip describes how race plays out at the Graveyard. Which, as Basil put it in an e-mail to me, can be described thusly: "The State of America in 2008: A Black man may finally become President, but white guys (like me) still have to fight for their rights on the court (No justice, No peace!)." Here's the clip.


These sentiments basically mirror what Dennis Rodman said in his 1997 autobiography Bad As I Wanna Be: "When you talk about race in basketball, the whole thing is simple: A black player knows he can go out on the court and kick a white player's ass." It just so happens I'm a white guy who's played a lot of pickup ball over the years. And yeah, that seems to be the prevailing attitude, from north to south, from coast to coast. [SHOCK ALERT!!] Black men see basketball as a black man's game. What's more, white men see it that way, too.

For instance, my pickup league is predominantly white (although we do have some black and Asian players). Every so often, a new black player will show up, and you can see a lot of the white guys immediately getting nervous. Not because they're afraid of them as a threat to their personal safety. It's because they automatically assume that the black player -- any black player -- is better than them, is going to dominate them, is going to upset the fragile balance of talent in the league...in short, that he is going to embarrass them.

Here's a true story involving Evil Ted. One week when our normal pickup league was on a break, we returned to another league we had frequented back in the day. This league was high on physical play but rather low on talent, so ET was anticipating a big night (read that: he was ready to score at will while resting liberally on defense). Right before play started, a couple athletic-looking black men showed up. ET groaned and said: "Great. And here I thought it was going to be an easy night."

The funny thing is, turns out neither of them were very good. They were aggressive and talked a lot of trash -- which intimidated some of the other players -- but they couldn't shoot and seemed disinclined to play defense. (Like I always say, in pickup ball defense is just waiting to get back on offense.) In short, they were on par with just about everybody else there, except that their skin was a little darker.

Still, ET expected them to be good. Better than good, actually. He expected them to shoot lights out and dunk. (Yes, many white guys naturally assume that all black men can dunk, despite a great deal of anecdotal evidence to the contrary.) He expected them to dominate. And you could tell they kind of expected it to.

I run into this all the time. Fortunately for me, I happen to be a white boy who can play (although, much like Larry Bird, I couldn't jump over two sheets of paper). My buddy Statbuster (who, as it happens, is black) has often referred to me as "a 6'3" Dirk Nowitzki," but personally I model myself after Matt Harpring (just being realistic here). Anyway, a few months back I was idly shooting around at my gym when a black teen, probably a senior in high school or maybe a freshman in college, showed up with his girlfriend. As they approached, I heard him kind of chuckle and say to her, "Watch me school this white guy."

I won't bore you with the details, but it didn't happen. Mostly because I play brutal defense (which is rare in pickup ball and even more rare in one-on-one) and because I was bigger, stronger and much more experienced than he was. After he lost the first game 11-2, he immediately challenged me to a rematch, promising "I'm gonna play you this time." (And it's true; he had played rather lackadaisically.) I won the next game 11-4 and now he was becoming visibly frustrated. After I beat him 11-2 again in the third game -- during which he was totally winded -- he just stared at me for few seconds and said, "Damn. You can really play!"

And while he didn't say it, I knew what he meant: He had assumed I couldn't. Because I was white.

Just like the players at the Graveyard like bustin' white guys, I like bustin' black guys. And as with them, it's more a matter of pride than anything else. That's the nature of the game: Someone is trying to take something from you, and you're trying to take something from them. But the sport of basketball is like an onion. There are many layers to it, games within the game. Not every victory -- nor every loss -- is created equal. We weigh or opponents based on size, strength, skill level, experience, and a million other variable that, yes, include race. And based on those unspoken (and maybe only semi-conscious) measurements, we are better able to measure ourselves and judge our approximate worth. Which is just one small part of how we understand the world around us and our place in it.

I'm not an anthropologist, and I don't have a degree in any social sciences, so I'm not trying to make some grand or profound statement on race and basketball. Just thinking in print.

Labels: Ballin' at the Graveyard, pickup basketball, race relations

Pau Gasol may look like a mildly retarded hillbilly who should be featured in a deleted scene from Deliverance, but these NBA Finals have taught us that everybody loves themselves a little Spanish Marshmallow. To wit: Here are Pau and James Posey reenacting their favorite scene from Big Black Men, Broken White Boys Part 37. (Please note that both actors were at least 18 years of age at the time of filming. As far as you know. And no farm animals were harmed during production. Also as far as you know.)


In a later scene from that same movie, Pau recieves an "unhappy ending" from Paul Pierce, who was apparently wearing a latex glove coated in barbed wire, thumb tacks and little biting piranhas. And that can't feel good.


Then, in the film's gripping climax, Pau finds comfort where it had been waiting for him -- warm and wet -- all along: In the arms of his superstar teammate. Does Kobe finally "pass" Pau "the ball"? You'll have to watch and find out for yourself.


And since no porn DVD is complete without bonus footage, here's a little mantastic extra between Dick Bavetta -- who has a history with hunky basketballers -- and Sasha Vujacic. Don't worry, Sasha. He may be old, but he's experienced. (Blllaaarrgghfff! Okay. I'm better now. Bllooooaaaarrrgghff! Okay. I guess I wasn't.)


Today's man love casserole was served up fresh and hot by Basketbawful readers charles and karl.

Labels: Boston Celtics, fan submissions, hand jobs, Los Angeles Lakers, man love, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce

Note: Do little girls want to be dragged away from their My Little Pony playsets to be put on display at the NBA Finals? Based on this picture, the answer is "very no."

The Celtics in the first quarter: It was like a psychedelic flashback to Game 4, only without the singing pixies and dancing fruit (or was that just me?). Boston started the game out-of-synch both offensively and defensively (and that's putting it kindly). Kevin Garnett got in early foul trouble and had to sit. Kobe went kill-crazy (four three-pointers and 15 first-quarter points). Next thing you know, the Celtics were down by 19 points. The quarter ended Los Angeles 39, Boston 22.

Frankly, I place most of the blame on Doc Rivers. The Celtics optimum lineup right now is KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, James Posey and Eddie House. It's as clear as the nose on Michelle Kwan's face. (By the way, what was up with that potato sack she was wearing last night? You've got a figure skater's body, Michelle. Show it off.) But instead of succumbing to common sense -- like even the dumbest fantasy sports manager would have done -- and using what worked to perfection in Game 4, Doc started Rajon Rondo at the point and Leon Ka-Powe(for the injured Kendrick Perkins) at center.

It was a stupid move that had catastrophic results. By starting Rondo and Powe (who was quickly replaced by P.J. Brown), Doc played right into the Lakers hands. And those hands went straight around the Celtics' collective throat and started choking a bitch.

Like most coaches, Doc wants to stand by the guys who got him to the Finals. Which is fine...when it's working. When it's not, it's like watching somebody with a head wound try to read random words out of a medical text. In other words: Painful. And while a applaud Doc's loyalty, facts are facts: Rajon Rondo is killing the Celtics right now. The Lakers don't have to defend him, and Rondo knows it. He's completely lost confidence in his offensive game. In the first quarter, he drove to the hoop, had an uncontested layup, and then passed back out for a semi-contested three-ball. It was bad. Like, "it hurts when I pee" bad.

When Rondo's on the floor, he's "defended" by Kobe Bryant, who gets to roam around, double-team at will, and gamble for steals (and Mamba had 5 of them last night). And that disrupts everything Boston is trying to do on offense. End the charade, Doc. Bench Rondo. It has to happen. Maybe he'll spend the summer developing a laser-accurate jump shot. Which will be great...for next season. Right now, Rondo like a human bitchslap to his own team.

The Lakers in the second quarter: They had everything in their favor -- momentum, a huge lead, Jack Nicholson's man-boobs -- but it didn't matter. Let it be known that these Lakers are good enough to build a huge lead and then lose it lickety-split. Boston outscored L.A. 30-16 in the second stanza, with Paul Pierce (18 points on a jillion freethrows) playing the part of the One Man Gang. Pierce is good -- maybe better than any of us thought -- but the Lakers made him look positively legendary by playing matador defense, 7-11 defense, and every other kind of bad defense they could think of. And then they had a game on their hands.

Rajon Rondo: Shades of Sherman Douglas. (Yes, I said it.) Rondo played 14 and a half minutes last night, which is about 14 more minutes than he should have gotten. He bricked six of his seven field goal attempts, had two shots blocked, missed a freethrow, passed up an uncontested layup, and prevented his teammates from getting open looks because the Lakers can completely ignore his "offense." But the most crap-tastic sequence of Rondo's night happened in a 30-second span of the third quarter. First, he missed an open four-footer. Then he fouled Fisher on a jump shot, giving up an "unconventional three-point play" (as Mark Jackson put it). After that, he jumped in the air and threw the ball right to the Lakers, who ran it down court and turned it into a three-pointer by Vlaidimir Radmanovic. Disastrous is putting it lightly.

Kevin Garnett: KG had a double-double (13 points, 14 rebounds). He also grabbed 7 huge offensive boards. But he hurt the Celtic cause by getting into foul trouble in the first half. Sure, one of the fouls was of the ticky-tac variety, and there was no contact whatsoever on another. But he earned his third by foolishly slapping at a Pau Gasol shot. As much as I hate to agree with Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy at this point, KG shouldn't have tried to make that play under those circumstances.

Garnett also bonked two crucial freethrows when Boston was trailing 95-93 with 2:31 on the clock, and then he missed a kinda-sorta easy tip-in with 26 seconds left and the Celtics down four. Hey, if I can say Kobe didn't come through in Game 4 -- and he didn't -- then I have to call out KG for not coming through in Game 5. But I'll say this for Garnett; he didn't give any excuses or blame teammates. His personal assessment of his performance was spot-on: "It was trash. I played like garbage tonight. I can do better and I will." Let's hope the second half of that quote turns out to be as true as the first half.

Kobe Bryant, quarters two through four: After his fire-and-lightning first quarter -- 15 points, 5-for-8 shooting -- I figured Mamba was on his way to a 40-point night. But from that point forward, Kobe scored 10 points on 3-for-13 shooting and committed a game-high 6 turnovers. Still, with 41 seconds left and his team up by only two points, Kobe made the play of the game, knocking the ball away from Paul Pierce and then receiving a length-of-the-court pass from Lamar Odom for a gamebreaking dunk.

That said, it was was a dangerous, gambling play. And let's face it: There was a lot of arm and body on that "steal." Had he been anybody but Kobe Bryant, there probably would have been a whistle. And had he not "tipped the ball," Pierce would have been in great position to score or dish to an open teammate. So yeah, it worked and everything...but it was a bad play.

Pau Gasol: The Spanish Marshmallow had a fantastic game: 19 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists, zero turnovers and a couple blocked shots. (And I'm telling you, it felt like he had three times that many rebounds.) But I have to say this: I am sick and bloody tired of Pau screaming and flailing after every shot he takes inside. At one point in the third or fourth quarter, KG slapped Pau's hand on a layup attempt, after which Pau wailed and flopped to the floor. Manu Ginobili would have been proud, but I just threw up a little.

The shooting of Derek Fisher and Sasha Vujacic: The two guards combined to miss 15 of 20 shots, which isn't exactly the kind of marksmanship that's going to spread the Boston defense and give Kobe room to work.

The incompetence of Luke Walton: As Basketbawful reader Jimmy pointed out, he had more fouls (5) than points (2) passed up on an easy alley-oop to Kobe in order to take a stop-and-popper. A couple of those fouls were committed at halfcourt. I can see that happening once, but twice?!

Ronny Turiaf and Trevor Ariza: They combined for 1 turnover and 2 fouls in just over two minutes of lack-tion.

Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson: Did the Lakers play great? No. Did they almost blow another game in which they jumped out to a ginormous lead? Yes. But this is the Finals, and whether you win by 1 or 100, it's still a W. But that didn't keep coach and mini-coach from freaking out on the Lakers after they had all but wrapped the game up. Said Van Gundy: "If you're the Lakers and want to win it all, you're disappointed in this game. Added Jackson: "You've got to close out games better. You're fortunate to go back to Boston." I guess they ran out of ways to fluff each other up.

Phil Jackson, quote machine: He's always good for a zinger or two. This time, it was aimed at his own team. Although, with him, I guess you never know whether it's supposed to zing or not. Anyway, regarding his team's chances of going on to win two straight in Boston, Phil said: "We're young enough and dumb enough to be able to do this." Young and dumb? Yes. Enough so to be able to break through twice in Boston? TBD.

The 2-3-2 format: As I pointed out last week, this format was instituted for the express purpose of increasing the chances that the Finals would last at least six games. Which is what happened. Because let's be honest: The Lakers would not have won this game in Boston. Somewhere out there, David Stern is being forced to deal with a 10-hour erection.

Larry Bird: As Evil Ted pointed out, it was mentioned on air last night that Larry Legend called Luke Walton to wish him luck in the Finals. Uh, Larry, I hate to point this out to you...but Luke Walton is a Laker. Larry wishing a Laker good luck is like Captain America giving Hitler advice on how to cook people. How far has Larry fallen when he's wishing Lakers players good luck? Don't bother answering that, I'll go ahead and tell you: Very, very far.

Doug Christie: The best thing to come out of the latest chapter of the Tim Donaghy scandal has to be Doug Christie crying about it on his blog (" am devastated to the point of feeling physically sick!"). Here's (to me) the money paragraph: "It's hard enough that you are facing the defending champs, hall of fame players and coaches, but you are also playing 5 on 8 (come on!). This is really disheartening. You work hard, play hard and it's all bull. But, it's what you see and the consumer believes it. Whoever 'they' say are the 'champs' are the 'champs' (deserving or not). 'They' are controlling the whole thing. What really makes me mad in the turn of events since then is the fact that these events have turned into what I consider a black balling of myself in the NBA!!" Huh. And here I thought his wife was the one who was black-balling him. Or maybe she's just blue-balling him...

And here's some bonus Christie, regarding why he's, you know, not playing. "Last season ('07/'08), I go in the gym with the Sonics and Trail Blazers (not to mention the GMs that I spoke to personally) and outplayed 90% of their guys. The only thing my agent told me they were interested in was my relationship with my wife, what happened before, or why did I leave the Clippers??? Truth be told, my family and I were dealing with the same old lies and workers starting trouble with us. I'm not willing to deal with that! I just want to go and play the game that I love. So, that makes me weird, huh?!? Maybe if I was fighting with my wife and flirting with people, I would still be playing or at least going out on my own terms!" I have no comment.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, officiating, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo

For those who love Worst of the Night, don't worry. I'm sure Bawful will take care of you....

Ok, onward...

Is it me, or is the Lakers' Staples opening introduction the most lame, least intimidating production in the league?

1st Quarter

9:43, 1st - A driving Derek Fisher loses control of the ball, flops, and hits his head on a baseline camera. Not imagining that an offensive player could simply lose control of the ball on his own, official calls a foul.

8:12, 1st - Kobe acts as if he's been fouled with the old arm flail. None is called. Miracle.

8:00, 1st - Rondo passes on an open lay up for the second time in two games. This man simply doesn't want to shoot the rock. He's playing like I play when I've had a big chili dinner and am feeling an onset of diarrhea.

7:28, 1st - Gasol with a nice drive and dish. 12 - 5 Lakers.

7:01, 1st - Gasol misses, gets rebound. Hits follow up as phantom foul is called. Why is it that officials like to automatically reward a successful offensive rebound with a foul call? 18 - 5 Lakers. Feels, smells, tastes like game four, including the feeling that the Celtics are cooked. Don't trust that feeling, I tell myself.

5:15, 1st - House hits a three, reminds world why he is needed over Rondo.

4:53, 1st - Kobe with his third three pointer. Looks like he wants to put a towel on that wet spot.

3:50, 1st - Allen hits a three, reminds world that the Celtics have a lot more people to beat you than the Lakers do.

3:35 1st - Kobe fouled, crowd chants "MVP" during free throws as if they're trying to convince themselves of it.

2:38, 1st - Kobe with a great fake-three-bullet-pass to Radmanovic for two.

Celtics timeout. 31 - 15 Lakers. Breen says "The Celtics have 'em right where they want 'em." Could history repeat itself, I think? If superstition applies, do I have to keep blogging for the comeback to happen?

Kobe makes his silly "elite eight" comment again (about equating his position to March madness, how he only has three wins left for a championship), and how if someone told him at the beginning of the season he had three shots to win a championship, he'd take it in a second. Interesting positive outlook. He sounds almost mature, but "elite eight" talk from a guy who never went to college seems silly.

1:08, 1st - Garnett 2nd foul. Legit call. Hits Gasol on the arm.

End, 1st - 39 - 22 Lakers.

2nd Quarter

2nd - Tony Allen getting some quality time. Dunks on an inbounds play. Mihm has been in the game as well, in order to foul and not score. Both coaches have decided, it appears, to try every possible combination of players. Either that, or they've both decided to make the TV audience go "Who?"

8:14, 2nd - Posey draws the charge, but it's a blocking foul. Bad calls go both ways...

7:37, 2nd - Garnett's third foul is another phantom, assisted by Gasol's overacting. But I agree with the commentators that Garnett shouldn't have slapped at the ball, and that you have to avoid even the appearance of a foul, because, sadly, the refs can't tell the difference.

Celts on a 15-0 run thanks to one Mr. Pierce. Early playoff criticism was that the Celts don't have a go-to guy. Pierce has solidified himself as the man.

Gasol doesn't break to the basket hard enough for a Kobe pass. Gasol has that all-I-have-going-for-me-is-I'm-tall feeling.

Cassell and Tony Allen have been in the game for quite a while. Causes me to think maybe it's a sign of respect to Phil Jackson. Maybe Doc just assumes Jackson will have perfectly prepared the Lakers for looks they've seen before, and he feels he has to show the Lakers a look with which they are unfamiliar.

Jack Nicholson jaws with Bavetta on a Fisher foul. Earlier he is seen trying to take up Doc Rivers' valuable time. There is no surer sign he expects the Celtics to win. He may be the biggest jock sniffer of all time; he used to bother Bird back in the '80's too.

Breen says Bird called Luke Walton to wish him luck? Jesus, Larry. I know he's Bill's kid and all, but he's playing against the Celtics. Where's at least a little of that patented Larry humor? How about a little "I wish you luck, Luke. I hope you score 50, but that the Celtics whip your team's ass"? I'm really going to have to just try to avoid any and all Larry Bird news from now on, and just try to watch old videos and commemorative DVDs of him kicking ass and taking names and enjoying the hell out of it.

Halftime: Father's Day Tribute

Bill Walton interviews son Luke for Father's Day. They reminisce about playing ball with Larry Legend in the back yard, and how Larry would trash talk. Yes guys, I miss that trash talker Larry too. The end of the father-son discussion feels forced and scripted, and Bill looks like he can't speak past whatever dental work has been done to him. Are those teeth, or is that a giant wedge of ice cold vanilla ice cream in his mouth?

3rd Quarter

9:54, 3rd - Celts take the lead, 58-57.

9:26, 3rd - Phantom call on Pierce against Kobe. MVP chants from the crowd are weak and uninspired.

8:26, 3rd - Pierce, after thinking hard, gives the ball to a wide-open Rondo. Rondo hits a jumper. This is a sign of the Apocalypse for the Lakers.

7:16, 3rd - Garnett called for his fourth foul. He never touched Gasol on the play. Stern wants to have at least six games. Sense this will go six, but an even stronger sense that the Lakers won't be able to get even close with the home cooked calls in Boston.

6:04, 3rd - Kobe gets 4th foul, second charge. If he gets in trouble, it's over. He may already be in trouble.

5:00, 3rd - Rondo fouls Fisher hard on a shot make, then gives away the ball on an awful pass on a drive. Jackson said earlier he's "penetrating to pass"... no truer words have been spoken, and no more ineffective guard play has been played. Get him the hell out of there, Doc.

Celeb watch: Paula Abdul, Matt Damon, David Spade, Sylvester Stallone, Denzel Washington. Matty Damon proudly sporting the green hat - he may hunt for goodwill in this building, but he won't get it.

Lakers lead by 9 at the end of the third. It's going back to Boston. I can feel it. No comeback this time.

4th Quarter

11:47, 4th - Odom gets called for a foul. Why? Because Pierce kneed him in the groin. At least the horribleness of the officiating is consistent, but that's the rationalization for bad officiating we hear all too often these days.

Odom hits a three. Laker lead is 12. Boston here we come.

9:10, 4th - Lukey boy hits a basket. Bill smiles through the ice cream bar in his mouth.

8:35, 4th - Vujacic (a.k.a. Ginobili-in-training) falls to the floor and even whacks his head on an acting job, pretending 38-year-old Cassell just tossed him to the floor. Officials rightly call jump ball. Expect a fine next year on that, Sasha.

6:22, 4th - Luke doesn't use the force - fouls Pierce in the backcourt to put the Lakers in the penalty. Gets sent to the bench. No close up of Bill on that boner.

5:40, 4th - Pierce falls to the floor, tosses the ball to Posey while sliding on the floor (is that a travel?), who hits a cold-blooded three. Posey is consistently not sucking in this series.

3:54, 4th - KG goes to the line for the first time of the night. Not bad officiating, he just simply doesn't drive to the hole like he should.

3:31, 4th - KG and Pierce pick up their fifth fouls three seconds apart. KG's call is a tick-tack away from the ball. More often than not calls on his defense have been ridiculous.

3:10, 4th - Bryant with a huge slap away of the ball on Pierce, reminiscent of what Pierce did to him the game before.

2:14, 4th - Kobe shooting free throws. More MVP chants, even though he's been crap in the second half (2-12 since a 15 point first quarter).

:37.4, 4th - Players are beating each other up right and left without calls. That "don't call anything in the last 5 seconds" rule officials like to apply appears to have been extended to the final 2 minutes. Kobe with another huge steal off Pierce - could have been a foul, but not the way officials call the end of games for an away team.

:26, 4th - KG blows a weak put back of a Ray Allen miss. Boston, here we come.

House makes it interesting with a three, but Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy are spouting off that "this Laker performance won't get it done in Boston." This, to me, is the surest admission that "home court advantage" in the NBA goes way beyond just a crowd cheering in your favor...

...all the more reason to be glad the Celtics have home court advantage.

Labels: Boston Celtics, finals, Game 5, Los Angeles Lakers

Note: Many thanks to Sturla for the graphic. I also used it for today's NBA Closer column on Deadspin.

Ahmad Rashad: I'm going to let Basketbawful reader Sami take this one. "I was watching 'Live at the Finals with Ahmad Rashad' on NBATV an hour before Game 4 began. Ahmad was interviewing Andy Garcia when he asked what I assume to be one of the dumbest sentences ever uttered, to go Bill Walton on you, in the history of Western Civilization: 'Do you think Kobe Bryant is the greatest Laker ever?' (My wording may not be spot on perfect, but that was the question.) Was Rashad even thinking when he asked the question? George Mikan, Jerry West, Elgin Baylor, Wilt Chamberlain (although he was older when he joined the Lakers), Kareem, James Worthy, Shaquille O'Neal, and probably some more that I'm forgetting. Oh, and I think I may have forgotten to mention that one guy...oh yeah! Magic Johnson! Kobe is a great scorer, in the discussion for Top 10 Lakers ever, and possibly Top 5 Lakers. But the greatest? I don't know what to say."

Wow. Me either. Inexcusable question (at this point). Here are my top five Lakers: Magic, Mikan, West, Kareem and Shaq, with Elgin Baylor sixth (thanks CW) and either Kobe or Worthy at number seven. Aw, screw it. Worthy's seventh. He has just as many titles (3) and a Finals MVP to boot (doesn't look like Mamba's getting a Finals MVP this year). And Big Game James never blistered his teammates the way Kobe has over the years.

The Celtics in the first quarter: My memory of it all is very, very blurry. I don't know the psychological term for it is, and I'm too lazy to look it up even though the Internet is only five fingers away. Let's just say I've blocked the details out. Trying to remember them is like trying to read stereo instructions through a dirty ashtray without my contacts on. Bad passes, worse shots, Rondo looking terrified of the ball. At some point, I think when the Lakers were up by 24, ABC flashed a graphic at the bottom of the screen that said the 21-point wound was the largest first-quarter deficit in NBA history. Thanks for making a bad situation feel even worse, ABC.

Random note on Rondo: He has officially become a liability and Doc should yank him out of the starting lineup. You know, a similar thing happened when the Boston Celtics were playing the Detroit Pistons in the 1991 Eastern Conference Semis. Brian Shaw was Boston's starting point guard at the time, and he wasn't just playing poorly, you could see his confidence was shot. Dee Brown, on the other hand, was playing great. But NBA head coaches are always really nervous about making major rotation changes during the playoffs, and Chris Ford was no different. So even though the Celtics were playing much better with Brown on the floor, he stuck with Shaw as the starter and Boston went on to lose the series in six.

And although I think that, at this point, the Celtics can still win with Rondo starting...why take the chance? Did you see Rajon's face when he got pulled in the second half? He had one of those thousand-yard stares going on. If I was on the Celtics, I wouldn't want somebody who looked like they were about to go Private Pyle on somebody running my team with a title on the line. This was the first time all season I thought all those "Matt Maloney on the 1996-97 Houston Rockets" comparisons were justified.

Right now, Boston's best lineup is KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen (back from the dead!), James Posey, and Eddie House. There's no question. Doc needs to go with that lineup and sub out (KA-POWE!!) when necessary. Am I wrong?

Boston's end-of-the-half defense: The second quarter was going about as well as I could have hoped. Boston had cut the Lakers' lead to a very reasonable 12 points (51-39) with under a minute to go when Doc Rivers took out Kevin Garnett. Now, I understand why he did it. He didn't want KG to pick up his third foul before the second half because he was going to need a full two quarters out of the DPoY if the Celtics were going to have a shot at winning this one. But almost immediately after KG went out Pau Gasol converted a three-point play. Lakers by 15.

Then, after Rondo hit one of two foul shots, Jordan Farmar ran unmolested three-fourths the length of the court and banked in a three-pointer as time expired. Mind you, Kobe had picked up his third foul and wasn't even on the floor at the time, so it's not like the Celtics were overplaying Mamba and that's why they gave up the shot. As Hubie Brown would say: You always have to stop the ball handler. Always, always, always. Boston didn't do that, and the Lakers killed their momentum and built their lead back to 17 by halftime. What a boner. Now I know how an ant feels when I accidentally sprinkle it with lighter fluid and set it on fire.

The Lakers in the second half: First of all, let me just say, I gave up on this game midway through the third. Yeah, I should have known better. I've been watching the NBA long enough to realize that every team makes a run. But Farmar's three at the half broke my spirit. With the Celtics still down by 20 points, I grabbed a book and went to take a dump. I tuned everything out, forgot about the game, and read a book about zombies.

About 15ish minutes later, I shuffled out of the bathroom like a zombie myself only to hear Mike Breen excitedly saying something like, "And the Celtics cut it to two!"

Huh?

Turns out Boston outscored L.A. 31-15 in the third quarter, and most of that happened during a huge 21-3 run in the final five minutes of the third...during which I was making a donation to the children of Crapistan. I couldn't believe I missed all that, but it's not totally unprecedented. The exact same thing happened in 2007 when the Indianapolis Colts made an historic comeback against the New England Patriots. I walked away from that one, too, only to come back later and find out my team was back in the game. Yes, yes...I truly was the difference in both situations.

But despite Boston's debt management, I still wasn't sold. Teams that have to claw their way back from ginormous deficits on the road rarely have enough to get over the hump at the end (see the Lakers in Game 2). Plus, the Lakers are coached by a Zen Mastery, Hall of Fame coach. As Breen's bleating voice kept reminding me, they also have the best closer in the game in Kobe Bryant. How could the Celtics possibly do this?

This is how: Perkins (bum shoulder) and Rondo (missing confidence) were out, Posey and House were in. Suddenly, instead of having only three scorers on the floor, the Celtics had five. Whether Doc made this decision consciously or whether injuries forced his hand, we may never know. But the Lakers defense -- which really isn't all that good -- appeared to be helpless when forced to cover five capable shooters. This was never more apparent than when Ray Allen walked by Sasha Vujacic for a reverse layup with 20 seconds left, essentially clenching the game. Oh, and it's not like Ray-Ray was fresh; he played all 48 minutes last night.

For your viewing pleasure, here's Sasha -- who shot 1-for-9 last night -- throwing a post-ego-ectomy hissy fit on the L.A. bench. This made me almost as happy as seeing Derek Fisher crying after the Spurs eliminated the Lakers back in '03. Almost.


From Basketbawful reader socalsun: "Regarding that clip of Sasha lashing out at his own team staffer -- that's the sort of thing you get from the Kobe 'curse you publicly for your mistakes' Bryant school of leadership." Speaking of the Mamba...

Kobe Bryant: You guys knew this was coming, right? Kobe was the shining star of last night's Epic Failure. He didn't score in the first half. He finished the game with 17 points on 6-for-19 shooting (although he did have 10 assists). And he was completely unable to impose his will on the game in the fourth quarter, which is his supposed specialty. And let's face it: This isn't a one-game aberration. Mamba has not impressed during the 2008 Finals. He was kinda-sorta spectacular only once: In Game 3. Well, once and a fourth if you count the final quarter of Game 2.

Now, I've been taking heat for ragging on Kobe for years. But here's the thing: I've never denied his greatness. Nor have I failed to give proper respect to his ability to score the basketball. To me, he's among the league's five all-time great scorers (with Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul-jabbar and Karl Malone). My arguments against Mamba have been that he has often been a lousy teammate (there's just no reasonable way to deny this), sometimes lapses into selfishness (although he's been better about that this year than he ever has), ultimately trusts no one but himself (and that's the bleeping truth), and -- SHOCK ALERT!! -- he probably isn't the greatest player of all time.

And you know what? There's no "probably" to it. He's not. The comparisons to Michael Jordan need to stop. Hell, they've needed to stop for almost a decade now. Kobe is not Mike. He will never be Mike. How is this not obvious? Why does this subject come up year after year after year? Let me put it this way: Had Jordan's Bulls been up by 24 points at home in a must-win game in the NBA Finals, do you think there's any way in hell the Bulls would have lost the game? No. Freaking. Way.

And this isn't me hating on Kobe. I'm not being subjective when I say he didn't come through last night. He failed. Imagine if Dirk Nowitzki stumbled in the Finals the way Kobe did last night? Actually, scratch that. Dirk already did it, and he was absolutely crucified for it. Which was unfair then, and it would be unfair now. I'm not suggesting we string Kobe up for losing a big game, because that's happened to many great players before him and it'll happen to many great players after him. But this game should be Exhibits A through Z that Kobe Bryant is Kobe Bryant...and not Michael Jordan.

Update! Stephanie G reminded me about P.J. Brown's dunk on Kobe, which totally reminded me of Kevin Willis' putback slam on Shaq when the Spurs knocked out the Lakers in '03. Here's the video:


Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Paul Pierce specifically asked to guard Kobe in the second half. And, all things considered, he did a damn fine job of it. But when asked about Pierce's D, Kobe was immediately dismissive. "There's no difference [from Ray Allen's defense]. They were determined not to let me beat them tonight. I saw three, four bodies every time I touched the ball." Yes, the Celtics gave help, just like every team in the league has done against Kobe for his entire career. But that's a pretty lame excuse. The fact is, Pierce did a fantastic job of containing and contesting Kobe, and getting help when necessary. Not that I expect Kobe to admit it, but that's what I saw.

But here was Mamba's best post-game quote, in reference to a question about how he would deal with the loss: "Whine about it tonight. Lot of wine...lot of beer...a couple shots...maybe like 20 of 'em... digest it, get back to work. Nothing you can do." Here's the second-best: "We wet the bed. A nice big one, too. One of the ones you can't put a towel over. It was terrible." I've got to admit, that was awesome. Here's the full video from Kobe's press conference.


Update! Random extra: I got the following text this morning from my buddy Craig (who's a huge Lakers fan) from The Association: "I took Kobe's advice and tried about 20 shots...it's worse the next day." To which I replied: "Wow. Then you must have hit more of your shots than Kobe hit of his." His response: "Haha...very hung over. Enjoy it." I will.

Phil Jackson: After the loss, the Zen Master was stunned by typically defiant. "Some turnaround in that game. The air went out of the building. Well, it's not over. This is not over. The series is not over." Technically speaking, no. And sure, anything can happen. The Lakers could come back. But...well, I'm not going to say anything. Anyway, let it be known that Doc Rivers -- who has taken a lot of heat in the press and was recently referred to as the worst coach to ever call plays in the NBA Finals -- thoroughly out-thunk Jackson the Great last night. Phil should stuff that in his peace pipe and smoke it. Maybe he'll have a vision about how to hold onto a 24-point lead.

Fun with photos: Got the following e-mail from Rob of Upside and Motor: "Saw these and my first thought was Basketbawful: Lamar Odom is great at layups. People in LA make signs that make sense. I promise. And Rick Fox shooting us all a very sultry look through the camera." True, true and true.

David Stern: This pretty much sums it up. And so does this.

Update! Advanced stats: Basketbawful reader Mike pointed this out. Tony Allen played two minutes and 15 seconds. He had 1 rebound and was zero for everything else. Yet he had a +/- score of +10. Which was better than Paul Pierce (+9) and Ray Allen (+6). So I guess he was better than either of those guys. Right, Mr. Lenovo?

Update! The Hollywood elite: They may spend most of the game trapped in a money-and-fame-induced stupor, but -- as Yahoo's Ball Don't Lie has shown us -- they sure got pretty weepy when their team pulls the biggest choke job in NBA Finals history.

Update! Me: Okay. I'm ready to admit it. I was wrong. Posey does not suck. That is all.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Epic Fail, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Phil Jackson, Ray Allen, Sasha Vujacic, Worst of the Night

Having been traveling with my family on a road trip all day, I'm cautiously looking forward to watching Game 4. I am wary, however, having read reports about Paul Pierce still feeling laid back and relaxed about the series, and saying inflammatory things like "We have the better team." Guess what, genius -- Magic thought he had the better team in '84, and you know, he actually might have, but he lost. Pierce's "confidence" hasn't conjured this much foreboding since Tom Brady muttered the words: "Plaxico thinks we're only gonna score 17 points?" Arrogance can ruin even the most talented player.

First Half:

On the way out of Chili's, I extract myself from the family for a second to check the score at the bar - 34 to 14, Lakers. Yikes. The satisfying cheese steak in my belly threatens to return ingloriously. I wonder to myself "How in the hell does a team take a 20-point lead in the first quarter?" It's going to be a long night.

I settle myself in front of a hotel lobby TV at 40 - 19, Lakers, 8:13 left in the 2nd. I am reminded that not too long ago, the Lakers were down by a similar deficit in Game 2 and almost came roaring back. The difference here -- I have far less confidence in the Celtics away from the Garden. This could get ugly.

Michele Tafoya interviews Will Smith. If there aren't enough reasons to hate the Lakers, the star-studded array of Hollywood faces in their crowd is yet another. In the interview, we learn that Will "only" has a "personal relationship" with Kobe. He would know more of the Lakers personally, but he's been "immersed in a character" for 6 months. Barf.

9:57 pm: The Larry / Magic split screen commercial again -- I'm watching it on a wide screen where the image is scrunched down...I learn that when his image is distorted, Larry actually looks like a human being, and not a bloated alien. Scratch that; he just looks like a less bloated alien.

Stat flashes on screen: Kobe has three points, but the Lakers are dominating. Still feeling you have the better team, Mr. Pierce? This is the Lakers team to fear -- the one where Kobe draws defensive attention, but distributes the ball immaculately, causing players like Gasol and Odom and Fisher to flourish. The Celtics defense has that we're-still-enjoying-a-series-lead-and-will-wait-until-our-backs-are-against-the-wall feeling.

3:24 left in the 2nd. Posey three. Lead is down to 13. The Lakers have established a lead early enough where a comeback feels more than feasible. The advantage to playing from behind is that you've got "nothing to lose," while the team with the lead can easily get a little freaked out by the pressure of losing that big lead. even the Zen Master has talked of the difficulty of playing with the lead. It's all psychological; just because you're up 20 doesn't mean you automatically are able to maintain it.

"Wired" Doc Rivers: "We're right there, but we gotta make plays." His voice cracks like Peter Brady in the "time to change" Brady Bunch episode. Every now and again, I get the sense he doesn't know what to say to these guys.

2:25, 2nd: Rondo refuses to shoot, tosses across court to give Allen a terrible 3-point shot.

1:33, 2nd: Posey another three.

Huge Garnett block followed by another hasty Allen missed three. Sometimes when Allen shoots a brick, you can almost hear him emoting "I have to shoot it. I'm Ray Allen, dammit."

Doc inexplicably takes KG out for the final minute of the half. This feels like a mistake, and the commentators are saying it too. The Celts have a chance to bring the lead down to 11 or 10, and instead missed Celts opportunity and a Gasol 3-point play in a KG-less lane takes it to 15.

Farmar hits a three at the buzzer of the first half and the Laker lead is 17. It's a reasonable deficit, but feels like it should have been even closer. Maybe it's just hindsight being 20/20, but KG's absence in that final minute feels like bad coaching. Doc has his "rotation," which likely involves getting people rest at the end of quarters, but sometimes you have to cast aside rotation for the feel of the ballgame. I think about something I've said many times: A coach is judged by whether he over-accomplishes or under-accomplishes with his talent. Doc has plenty of talented players. He needs to live up to them. (Note from Basketbawful: Doc took KG out to avoid having him pick up his third foul; it wasn't a rotation issue. Sorry, ET). (Reply from ET: Great players, even good ones, should be able to avoid a foul call in a 58 second stretch. But given the state of officiating, I suppose I see the point.)

Halftime: (a.k.a., a brief respite from the Laker beating).

Slow motion highlights reveal Pau Gasol to be even uglier than today's Larry Bird. Twenty years from now, I expect his half of the split screen commercial to look like a dead alligator.

Wilbon asks: "Are the Celtics here?" No, Mike. They are in Boston. They expect to go home and win Games 6 and 7. They hate playing away from the Garden and are showing it. If they lose three away and win their four home games to take it all, this will be a very weak champion, in my estimation. Great teams win on the road. Yes, the Celtics took two in Detroit, but three playoff series without a road win will detract from the legacy.

Stern (commenting on the Donaghy scandal): "We'll go back and ask the officials again [if you insist]." Stern has that stupid, defiant smile. Stern and Paul Pierce need to go out to dinner together to be arrogant and confident with each other. And go down in flames together.

Phil Jackson career piece: Early slow-motion footage of Jackson with the Knicks proves Gasol is not, in fact, the most butt-ugly player ever to lace 'em up. Later coaching footage of Jackson proves that men do, in fact, get better looking as they get older.

"Brilliant" -- Kobe Bryant about Phil Jackson. Kobe is just so sweet when he's winning. He'll even ignore a nasty tell-all book that essentially said "Kobe is a selfish, immature turd."

Wired coaches at the half:

Doc: "Make plays on defense."

Phil: "Win the third quarter." (In other words "Don't play like you're ahead by 17." This appears to be, at the moment, not Phil's team's problem, but instead Doc Rivers' greatest challenge: Getting his team to not play like they're ahead 2 games to 1. Yes, the Lakers' defense is better, but it's not that much better, is it?)

Second Half:

Garnett from the top of the key cuts it to 14. I don't care if you're making jumpshots, Kevin -- drive to the hole. Really. No one can stop you. If you don't learn to take it to the hole, I'm going to question your smarts. I'll NEVER question your heart, but I WILL question your smarts.

10:18 in the 3rd. Rondo passes on a LAY UP. No wonder they're not guarding him. This guy needs an IV-mix of Cassell/House plasma. Not a lot, just a little.

More faces in the audience: David Beckham, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, Jack
Nicholson. Which of these things is not like the others?

6:20 in the 3rd. Finally House is in the game to provide a shooting presence and force the D to play him. Rondo is cooked if he keeps playing this way.

5:00 in the 3rd. Pierce with a great block on Kobe. Allen slammed by Fisher at the other end. No flagrant called. No big deal. I decide my expectation of a flagrant here is Homer Hope. Note to Bawful: "Homer Hope" as a word of the day? Related term: Homer POV - the point of view of a biased individual, which makes arguing with them about a given game or team a pointless endeavor.

3:57 in the 3rd. Posey called for a phantom foul on Odom. Officiating in this league continues to be a joke, as documented by so, so many bloggers. So let's not start.

2:29: 3rd. Illegal screen called on Garnett. Another lame call. Has The Stern Button been pressed to ensure this thing goes seven?

2:01, 3rd. Pierce with a drive, great reverse lay up. Hits the free throw to take it to 9. If he and the Celts pull this one out, I still won't excuse him for being arrogant and overconfident.

1:20, 3rd. House 3 takes it to 6. The Celtics are clearly more effective with House on the floor. Sorry, Rajon: you've been rondo'd.

End of 3. Two Allen free throws and a Brown slam take the Celtics to within 2. There appears to be a God, and he appears to be a Celtics fan.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Kobe will try to take over. If he succeeds, more ridiculous MJ comparisons will be made (it appears people have forgotten just how unbelievably dominating Micheal Jordan was. Kobe, I've seen you play in person. I've seen Jordan play in person. You're no Jordan. You're no Jack Kennedy either.).

End of 3. Doc says to his team: "Do you believe?" Not until you win it all, Doc.

Michele Tafoya asks Phil Jackson about the staggering momentum change. His reply: "Momentum's a strange girl. She just jumped to the other side of the ship." There are so many mixed metaphors there, I don't know where to start. Oh well, he's the Zen Master; he must know what he's talking about, right?

10:10, 4th. Tie game; all of my Stern Button theories appear to be flummoxed. If there are any officiating conspiracies, they are so sophisticated that nobody could possibly uncover them. It's also impressive how they conceal all the fixed calls beneath all of the just plain bad calls; makes it very difficult to prove anything is afoul. Genius.

9:00, 4th. Bryant dribbles the ball off his foot out of bounds. Ref calls a blocking foul on Pierce, as if he can't imagine Kobe would ever bounce a ball out of bounds without being messed with.

8:14, 4th. Garnett misses a tough jumper over Odom (I'm thinking "Why doesn't he spin baseline?" And "Why doesn't he EVER spin baseline?" Guess that's why the D gives him baseline.)

Love Guru movie trailer. Initial trailers looked like crap. More recent trailers make it look...well, watchable, anyway.

5:20, 4th. Posey with another big three. Waiting for "Posey Sucks" chant. None comes, perhaps because it appears he doesn't. Laker lead is 1. (Note from Basketbawful: That's because me and Statbuster weren't at the game.) (Reply from ET: Even Bill Laimbeer would have been revered were he a Celtic. I presume Posey would get a formal reprieve for wearing the Green. And yet a chant of "Vujacic Sucks" doesn't really roll off the tongue, does it. Speaking of which, did I hear "Boston Sucks" from the Laker crowd? That's what they've come up with as a response to "Beat L.A."? I don't like it when Red Sox fans classlessly chant "Yankees Suck," and I don't buy into it from Laker fans either).

4:58, 4th. Gasol tries to draw the foul, hits a critical baby hook over KG.

4:06, 4th. House gives the C's their first lead. Rajon Rondo, rightly, is nowhere to be found.

3:13, 4th. Allen HUGE up and under lay up to put the C's up by 3. This guy has had a fantastic series, where in previous playoff series, he has looked like he's just dribbling around not knowing what the hell to do with the ball. It appears he's figured it out.

Breen utters the words "one of greatest comeback in Finals history." These words were also uttered in Game 2. And almost came true. But didn't. Has Breen just jinxed this one for the Celtics?

Hancock movie trailer: Will Smith playing a superhero with a personality as annoying as his real one. I'll wait for the DVD.

1:44, 4th. Pierce is fouled and shooting freethrows. Breen Says "Pierce 5-for-5 from the line tonight" from the line. Pierce misses. Stat cursed. Celts by 4.

1:13, 4th. Posey AGAIN with a three. 18 points off the bench. Posey came to Boston for less money "to win a Championship." Looks like the dude wants this, and is willing to take the big shots to boot. Pays to have won a championship already; he has zero I'm-nervous-about-being-on-the-verge-of-my-first-championship-itis. Still, I'm not sure I'm so into players who "job jump" for the best situation. Seems kind of cheesy (You listening Shaq?). (Note from Basketbawful: It's called championship piggybacking. C'mon, ET; I make up these terms for a reason.) (Reply from ET: My bad.)

0:16, 4th. Allen single-handedly uses ALL of the shot clock, and then proceeds to single-handedly blow by Vujacic. No help defense is there, exposing this "no-interior-defense" issue the Lakers supposedly have, for one play at least. (Note from Basketbawful: It helps that Doc had five certified shooters on the floor at the same time.)(Note from ET: Agreed, yet Jon Barry used this single play as the prime example of the "interior defense" issue. I don't buy it, which is why I tossed the word "supposedly" in there.) One very huge, huge play. Allen is playing like a guy who just wants to be in charge when it counts, just as Pierce has done at various points of the playoff run.

Vujacic slams a chair, not lost on the enormity if the bucket he just allowed. His "defense on an island" play feels like when the Celts left Allen to one-on-one Kobe at the end of Game 3. The difference is, at least Allen kind of stayed with his man. On the that play, Vujacic played defense like I do...the old give-up-and-reach defense. Note to Vujacic: Don't even bother slamming a chair after defense like that. You didn't just get beat, you gave up on the play.

Final seconds: Lakers are missing threes right and left. Kobe does Reggie Miller's old try-to-get-the-foul-by-kicking-out-my-leg on his three point miss. Unfortunately, nobody is there to kick.

Crowd heads for the exits. Stunning. Despite his team's heartbreaking loss, Will Smith realizes he's still a millionaire, and smiles that he gets to be him.

Well, after opening this up at the 40 - 19 score, I thought I would be documenting a Laker blowout victory. Instead, I'm documenting one of those "greatest comeback" games. Celtics defense showed up in the second half, and the Lakers' defense went slack. Over the course of these games, I think a lot of people are interpreting bad offense as just uninspired play, but the level of the defense in this series has completely dictated the success of the offense (and has revealed the level of determination by each team). If people were expecting an offensive series, it has not been about that -- not in the least. When there have been great surges of offense, it has only been because the defense has allowed it.

What a roller coaster. It went from looking like the Lakers would be taking momentum and a huge win into Game 5, and instead the Celtics have stripped them of a victory and any momentum - and perhaps any self-confidence.

It seems like the Celtics have simply been "turning it on" when they need to - which is partly a sign of how good they are, but partly raises concern about whether they have a killer instinct. It makes me wonder how they would do against a more seasoned team like the Spurs.

The Celtics at worst will go to Boston with a 3-2 lead. Pierce said in his post game interview that he looks to close this series out on Father's Day. Had the Celtics not done what they had just done, and had they not done it with such poise, I'd be cursing Pierce for being overconfident and for giving Phil Jackson bulletin board material. But at this point, I have no reason to criticize a winner, and no reason to be wary in the face of his confidence.

But give it time.

Game 5 looms...

Labels: Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, Game 4, Lakers, Live blog

This is Part 9 -- the final chapter -- of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. This should have been the greatest championship series of the 1980s -- maybe ever -- but instead it turned into the most lopsided Larry-Magic Finals. For various reasons, which I will bitterly complain about below.

1987 NBA Finals

Expectations: The 1985-86 Celtics were really freaking good. They won 67 games and would have won 70 for sure if Larry Bird hadn't played the first 30 or so games with a debilitating back injury. They stormed through the regular season and the playoffs in such overwhelming fashion that many people thought they would become the first repeat champions since the 1968-69 Celtics. Which led to this (probably) unintentionally hilarious music video (hat tip to Ball Don't Lie and The Commission) called "First Time Since '69" (and no, it's not a porn video...no Rick Rolling here).


Len Bias: After the Celtics won the championship in 1984, Red Auerbach shipped Gerald Henderson to Seattle for the Sonics' first-round draft pick in 1986 (and thus the drafted player would be available for the 1986-87 season). This move backfired somewhat in 1985, when Boston's bench failed them in the Finals. But when the Sonics got the second overall pick in the '86 draft, it appeared to be another Auerbachian master stroke. Boston gleefully selected Len Bias -- Brad Daugherty was selected first by the Cleveland Cavaliers -- and it looked like the Green Reign would last for the rest of the decade. After all, the Celtics had just won the NBA championship with one of the best teams of all time, and now they were adding a player who was drawing favorable comparisons to Michael Jordan (although, in retrospect, he was more like an early Vince Carter prototype, only with balls). Said Bird: "He would have been one of the greatest ever. I thought we had won another championship on draft day."

But joy and celebration were soon replaced by shock and grief. On June 19 -- 1986, less than 48 hours after the Celtics had drafted him -- Bias died of a cocaine overdose. It was a crippling blow from which the Celtics never really recovered (until this season, I suppose). For the sake of perspective, here are some of the players that Boston passed over for Bias: Ron Harber, John Salley, Mark Price, Dennis Rodman, Jeff Hornacek, Drazen Petrovic and Kevin Duckworth (sorry, couldn't help myself).

Bill Walton's foot: One of the primary reasons that the 1985-86 Celtics were so great was the presence of Bill Walton, who that season was the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year and the best backup center (to Robert Parish) of all time. Walton's entire career had been dogged by injury, but he appeared in a career-high 80 games during that one miracle season in Boston (his previous best was 67). Boston looked like a mortal lock to repeat for the first time since 1969...as long as Walton could remain healthy. But, of course, he could not.

A week before training camp, Walton and Robert Parish met at the Celtics training facility at Hellenic College to play one-on-one. While trying to block one of Parish's shots, Walton jammed the pinky finger on his right hand against the Chief's elbow. The finger broke, and Walton was encouraged (read that: forced) to sit out until it healed. But Walton was so intent on maintaining his conditioning during the layoff that he began riding his stationary bike at home for as many as eight hours a day (I am being completely serious). Soon, Walton began feeling pain in his ankle and foot. The ankle injury was diagnosed as "an inflammation of the outside joint of the right ankle." But further bone scans revealed yet another stress fracture in his troublesome foot. When the injury didn't respond to therapy and rest, Walton underwent surgery with the hopes of being ready and available for the playoffs. But other than a few token postseason appearances -- during which he was an awkward, shambling ghost of his former self -- Walton's career was effectively over.

Worse even than the loss of Walton was the devastating psychological effect his "maybe he'll be back, maybe he won't" status had on the team. Every time it looked like Bill might be ready to suit up, the Celtics would get excited. Then, when Bill couldn't go, their spirits would be deflated. And this happened over and over again during the season. As Bird put it: "Having Bill here was like a time bomb."

Illness and injuries: Walton was the first Celtic to go down, and then the rest of them started falling like dominos. Danny Ainge missed the first 11 games of the season with a bad back, and he struggled throughout the playoffs with knee and hamstring injuries. Larry Bird missed eight games with back, ankle and Achilles tendon injuries. Robert Parish played in 80 games, but he was suffering from tendonitis in both arms -- when he belted Bill Laimbeer in Game 5 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals, he said his one regret was that the tendonitis wouldn't allow him to make a fist -- and chronic sprains in both ankles. Scott Wedman was limited to six games due to an ongoing left heal injury, for which he had a surgery in January of '87 that basically ended his career. Jerry Sichting was hampered all season by a nagging intestinal virus. Hell, even coach K.C. Jones missed four games with strep throat. It was just that kind of year. But the worst injury of all might have been to...

Kevin McHale's foot: The losses of Walton and Wedman coupled with the impairment of Sichting meant that the Celtic "bench" was effectively reduced to Fred Roberts, Darren Daye and Greg Kite. In other words: Worst bench ever. For this reason, Boston's starters were forced to log heavy minutes night after night (Bird led the league in Minutes Per Game at 40.6). As any personal trainer will tell you, chronic fatigue will lead to injuries. The rest of the Celtics were suffering from them. And soon it was McHale's turn.

Mind you, McHale was having the best season of his career: He averaged 26.1 PPG, 9.9 RPG and 2.2 BPG. He shot over 60 percent from the field and better than 80 percent from the line, which is the only time anyone in NBA history has done that. He was named to the All-NBA First Team and All-NBA Defensive First Team. There was even talk about McHale possibly winning the MVP award (he eventually finished fourth in MVP voting, just behind Bird).

Unfortunately for Kevin and the Celtics, everything came undone on March 11, 1987, when Larry Nance (then with the Phoenix Suns) stepped on McHale's foot and caused a hairline fracture. Boston's medical team failed to correctly diagnose the injury and McHale continued to suffer for it...and he couldn't understand why. Said McHale: "People kept telling me, 'It's in your head.' I said, 'No, it's not. It hurts all the time. It hurts at night, during the day, all the time.' At the time, our medical staff would say, 'Ice it and forget about it.' But that was not going to work. I had played on it so long. I shouldn't have. In the Detroit series [the Eastern Conference Finals], it fractured all the way through. I went to turn on it and it felt like someone stuck a poker in my foot. It was white hot. I should have stopped then."

But he didn't. Then, during the first round of the playoffs, the Chicago Bulls team physician Dr. John Hefferon took a look at X-rays of McHale's foot. Having dealt with Michael Jordan's broken foot the year before, he knew exactly what he was looking for. Once the Celtics had been informed of the nature of McHale's injury, they allowed him to decide whether or not he should continue to play (which was and still is ridiculous). McHale didn't want to let down his teammates. He wanted to win. So he kept playing. Even after the navicular bone in his foot split like a piece of firewood.

McHale's performance in the postseason was nothing short of astounding. Forget all that crap about Jordan's "flu game" or even Willis Reed playing a few minutes in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals. Kevin McHale played the entirety of the 1987 playoffs with a broken freaking foot. Think about that. And he still averaged 21.1 points (on 58 percent shooting) and 9.2 rebounds in 39 minutes per game. As McHale put it: "I never knew how good I was until I had to play on one foot. I'd still get 20 points and eight or nine rebounds. I said to myself, 'Damn, if there was a league for one-footed players, I'd be All-Pro.'"

Sadly, McHale's bravery has been all but forgotten because the Celtics didn't win the title. But it should be. However, despite his solid offensive numbers, McHale's defense was hampered. He didn't have the same mobility, which had a very serious effect in the Finals (more on that later).

Given all the injury problems and the emergence of the Detroit Pistons as an Eastern Conference powerhouse, it's amazing that the Celtics even made the Finals in '87. But they did. And they got to play the sacrificial lamb to the best Lakers team of the decade.

The Celtics in Game 1: Larry Bird scored 28 points and, at one point, hit 11 straight shots...but it didn't matter. L.A. bolted out to 21-point second-quarter lead -- they had 35 fast break points in the first half alone -- and answered every Celtics run with a run of their own. The Lakers shot 56 percent and dominated the boards (51-40). McHale's wobbly wheel wouldn't allow him to stay in front of James Worthy (33 points, 16-for-23) and Magic Johnson (29 points, 13 assists) destroyed Dennis Johnson (7 points, 3-for-7). The Purple and Gold won 126-112, but it wasn't really that close.

The Celtics in Game 2: Things did not improve for Boston in the second game. Only this time Larry was the victim. Michael Cooper made a mockery of Bird's "defense" in the second quarter by orchestrating a 20-point Lakers run during which he accounted for every point by scoring or dishing. In that quarter, he tied the NBA Finals record for assists (8) and hit 6-for-7 from three-point range. The Lakers continued to run the Celtics into the ground, outscoring Boston 36-2 in fastbreak points in the first half. It got even worse in the second half. During the third period, Magic tied Cooper's tie by dishing for 8 assists of his own and the Lakers eventually won 141-122, setting an NBA Finals record by shooting nearly 62 percent for the game. Bill Walton played 5 minutes, contributing 1 rebound, 1 turnover and 2 fouls.

The Lakers in Game 3: After getting blasted in the first two games, Larry Bird was asked whether the Lakers might sweep his Celtics. Said Bird: "Nah. We're just too good a team to be swept." And he was right. But here's the crazy thing: Boston got huge games out of Bird (30 points, 12 rebounds), D.J. (26 points, 7 boards), McHale (21 points, 10 rebounds, 5 assists) and Parish (16 points, 6-for-7), but the Celtic who beat the Lakers was...Greg Kite! The Chief got into foul trouble in the second quarter, and in came Kite. He didn't score a single point, but he grabbed 9 rebounds, blocked a Magic layup and put his huge, clumsy body all over Kareem. The Celtics caught fire (17-for-21) and outscored L.A. 30-17 for the rest of the quarter. Thanks to Kite's inspiration, they won 109-102.

The Celtics in Game 4: They were pretty relieved after finally getting a win. So relieved that Bird said: "[Game 3] was the most important game of the series for us. If we lost, it might've been tough to get up for Game 4. Now it's going to be easy." He was sort of right. The Celtics led 70-55 in the third quarter and were still up 103-95 with less than four minutes left. Then everything came undone. The Lakers went on a 9-0 run as Bird, D.J. and the Chief all coughed up the ball. Bird escaped James Worthy -- who had a fistful of Larry's jersey -- to nail a three-pointer that gave the Celtics a 106-104 lead, but Kareem got fouled on the next possession. He missed his second foul shot, but McHale (who was being jostled by Mychal Thompson) bobbled the ball out of bounds. That gave the Lakers another chance, and, of course, Magic hit his "junior, junior skyhook" over The Big Three to give L.A. the win. Note, though, that McHale -- broken foot and all -- was guarding Magic on that play. He clearly didn't have the mobility to stay with Magic on that play. And thus did McHale's injury doom the Celtics again. And Bird was upset. "You expect to lose on a skyhook. You don't expect it to be from Magic. We turned the ball over twice. We missed a rebound after a freethrow. We really can't blame anybody but ourselves. A lot happened in the last minute-and-a-half. Robert gets the ball taken away from him. I throw the ball at Kevin's feet. They miss a free throw, and we don't get the rebound. How many chances do you need to win a game?" I guess they needed, like, one more.

The Lakers in Game 5: I'm not saying they didn't try...okay, that's exactly what I'm saying. Before the game, Bird told the rest of the Celtics "If they want to celebrate, let's not let them do it on the parquet." The Lakers seemingly had other ideas -- their staff iced down several cases of champagne for their "inevitable" win, reminiscent of Jack Kent Cooke's grand faux pas in Game 7 of the 1969 NBA Finals -- but they went down rather quietly. James Worthy shot 6-for-19, Kareem was 8-for-21 and Byron Scott was 3-for-10. Meanwhile, Boston shot 52 percent and all five starters scored at least 20 points. The Celtics' comfy-cozy 123-106 win was basically their consolation prize for the Finals.

The Lakers in the first half of Game 6: Kareem showed up with a shaved head and, early on, it looked like he had jinxed his team. The Celtics started strong, held Magic to only 4 points through the first two quarters, and led 56-51 at the half. It actually looked like Boston might force a Game 7...

The Celtics in the second half of Game 6: But they didn't. The Leprechauns shot 26 percent in the third quarter. Robert Parish also picked up his fifth foul in that quarter and was exiled to the bench. The Lakers built a 19-point lead and the Celtics never again got any closer than 12 points. Bird scored only 16 points on 6-for-16 shooting and committed 4 turnovers. Danny Ainge was 1-for-9. Parish got embarrassed yet again by Kareem (32 points, 13-for-18) before fouling out. And Boston bowed out with a whimper, 106-93. And that was their last shot at an NBA title...

...until now.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, Drive: The Story of My Life by Larry Bird and Bob Ryan, The Big Three and The Last Banner by Peter May, Larry Bird: The Making of an American Sports Legend by Lee Daniel Levine, and this awesome Web site that has box scores for every NBA Finals through 2003.

Labels: bench play, Bill Walton, Boston Celtics, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

This passionate eyegasm between The Machine and Derek Fisher was sent in by Rhology. Sure, Sasha's staredown might only have been a sign of intense and Platonic camaraderie...but the last time a dude looked at me like that was shortly after we'd finished a case of beer and immediately preceding his "a man knows what a man likes" pitch. So once again I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.


As for this next picture -- provided by Basketbawful reader Remington -- I'm not sure it qualifies as "man love" so much as "man bdsm." I mean, that's one seriously painful-looking nipple-twister Pau's putting on KG. Which gives me some not-so-happy memories of sixth grade gym class. Okay, I'm going to go back to repressing now.

Labels: Derek Fisher, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, man love, Pau Gasol, Sasha Vujacic

The latest chapter of the Tim Donaghy saga: Talk about casting a pall over the NBA Finals. On the same day that the first feel-good championship series in years -- probably since Lakers-Bulls in 1991 -- finally became competitive, the whole affair was tainted by allegations of game-massaging (at best) and game-fixing (at worst). Talk about your wet blankets.

But before I get into the sordid details, let's back up. Prior to Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals, my buddy BadDave asked me what my real opinion was on NBA officiating. Or, as he put it, "Do you think that games are really fixed?"

The short answer was "No."

The long answer was a bit more complicated. With one possible exception (more on that below), I've never felt as though any NBA games were clearly and blatantly fixed. However, I have often felt -- especially during the playoffs -- that the refs carefully and perhaps even consciously control the flow of the game, favoring Team A here, favoring Team B there, to keep things close, make them more exciting...which keeps viewers viewing and is obviously good for business. And of course it's been clear since, like, forever that fouls (and non-fouls) are called differently based on who's playing at home and who's playing on the road.

To me, it's basically like turning on "Computer Assistance" in NBA Live.

But it's not absolute. It's not a clear-cut fix (except in that one notable case I'm going to discuss soon). The players still have to make shots (or not make them, in some cases). Take the first round series between Atlanta and Boston. The Hawks were given much more leeway to play physical at home than they were in the Garden. They were allowed to bump and push and hold just a wee bit more...nothing egregious, but enough to make the Celtics miss tough shots (and get rattled, which they did). And let's face it, it didn't hurt that there was at least one big first-round storyline -- the best team in the league gets taken to the limit by a big-time underdog -- when the Western Conference playoffs, which were supposed to be so competitive, basically sucked.

Take the now-infamous Game 2 of this championship series. The Celtics enjoyed a 38-10 advantage in freethrow attempts that had Phil Jackson and the Lakers faithful freaking out and making wild, even ridiculous allegations. But maybe they aren't all that ridiculous after all.

Donaghy's lawyers filed a letter that -- although it didn't name any names -- claimed the NBA encourages its officials to call bogus fouls to manipulate results while also discouraging them from calling technical fouls on star players to keep them in games and protect ticket sales and television ratings.

As the letter stated: "If the NBA wanted a team to succeed, league officials would inform referees that opposing players were getting away with violations. Referees then would call fouls on certain players, frequently resulting in victory for the opposing team."

But even worse, the letter stated that Donaghy learned in May 2002 that two officials -- refs of the "company men" variety -- were working a best-of-seven series in which "Team 5" was leading 3-2. Then, in the sixth game, they allegedly ignored fouls made by opponent "Team 6" and made phantom calls putting its players at the free-throw line. The letter concluded that "Team 6" won the game and came back to win the series.

It doesn't take a team of super genuises working on the Bat Computer to figure out which game Donaghy was talking about: Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals.

In that game, which featured the Kings and Lakers playing in Los Angeles, the Lakeshow finished the game with a 40-25 advantage in freethrow attempts. Which in and of itself doesn't seem like that big of a deal until you realize the Lakers got 27 freethrow attempts in the fourth quarter alone.

I watched that travesty live, and it was one of the worst things I've ever seen. In point of fact, that game was The Reason why we invented the term The Stern Button. (It even says so in the entry.) And it wasn't just a case of the Lakers getting every call, it reached such ridiculous lengths that Sacramento players were actually jumping out of the way of L.A. players and still getting called for fouls. It was crazy.

That game caused Ralph Nadar to write a strongly-worded and accusatory letter to David Stern, and Washington Post sports columnist Michael Wilbon said: "I have never seen officiating in a game of consequence as bad as that in Game 6....When Pollard, on his sixth and final foul, didn't as much as touch Shaq. Didn't touch any part of him. You could see it on TV, see it at courtside. It wasn't a foul in any league in the world. And Divac, on his fifth foul, didn't foul Shaq. They weren't subjective or borderline or debatable. And these fouls not only resulted in free throws, they helped disqualify Sacramento's two low-post defenders. And one might add, in a 106-102 Lakers' victory, this officiating took away what would have been a Sacramento series victory in 6 games."

And now is very possible that, as many people suspected, the game may actually have been fixed.

It's enough to make Scott Pollard cry. "If it was proven that it was -- I don't know how it could ever be proven that it was -- that would hurt. That would hurt the league, it would hurt my feelings, it would hurt everybody. That's ugly. You don't want that to be true. I don't want it to be found out that that was true. I would much rather live with human error than human interference."

As you would expect, Stern's response was arrogant and dismissive, which is his typical modus operandi. Said the Commish (in a sort of summary): "My reactions to Donaghy's lawyer are that clearly as the date of sentencing gets closer and the things that he's thrown against the wall haven't stuck, he's rehashing a variety of things that have been given to the U.S. attorney and the FBI, fully investigated and are baseless. He's a desperate man and he'll make whatever allegation he can at the most propitious time somehow I think to manipulate the process. We're confident that the FBI and the U.S. Attorney's office and the Court will not be taken in by his activities."

And Phil Jackson, who's always been eager and quick to attach an asterisk to the victories of his enemies, was quick to both repudiate allegations and direct everyone to "injustices" leveled against the Lakers earlier in that 2002 series. "The allegation was that they were extending the series? Was that after the fifth game after we had the game stolen away from us after a bad call out of bounds and gave the ball back to Sacramento and they made a three-point shot? There's a lot of things going on in these games and they're suspicious, but I don't want to throw it back to there." God, I hate Phil Jackson sometimes.

Anyway, who knows what the "truth" is at this point? But whatever the case, it was a dark day for the NBA, for officiating, and for the Finals game that, sadly, had to take a back seat to this whole mess. Which totally sucked the enjoyment out of it for me. So if this post seems a little angry, it probably is.

Shooting: The Celtics shot 35 percent from the field. The Lakers, by contract, shot a relatively blistering 43 percent. Of course, if you take away Sasha Vujacic (7-for-10) and Kobe Bryant (12-for-20), they shot 28 percent (11-for-39). It was an ugly brick-a-palooza. As Phil Jackson put it: "It was not a beautiful ballgame." But the Zen Master shrugged it off as a simple problem of jet lag. "That's a transition game from East Coast to West Coast. But we'll have a day to catch up tomorrow and hopefully both of us will play better basketball on Thursday night."

Kevin Garnett: Why oh why does KG insist on jacking up shots from the outside? Dig it: 15 of his 21 shots were jumpers. He shot 6-for-21, by the way. Although maybe he knew what he was doing; according to the short chart, Garnett was 0-for-3 on layups and only 2-for-3 on dunks. But in all seriousness, KG needs to take most of his shots from the inside and only a handful from the outside...not the other way around.

Paul Pierce: Think the Lakers fans will believe Pierce's knee is hurt now? His mobility, particularly on drives, was severely limited and he finished the game with only 6 points on 2-for-14 shooting. He missed all four of his three-pointers. The truth is...the Truth sucked in Game 3.

Leon Powe: After his 21-points-in-15-minutes performance in Game 2, everybody was screaming for Doc to get more PT for Leon. But Powe was almost totally ineffective in the six minutes he played in Game 3: 1 point (0-for-3), 2 rebounds, 1 turnover and 2 fouls. Oh, and two of his three shots were fed back to him. That's why he's a reserve: He' not going to be dynamite every night. And I guess Doc realizes that, even if nobody else does.

Sam Cassell: Holy crap, this guy shoots the rock like it's going to explode. He touches it, he shoots it. I thought Sam was a wily veteran. What is he even thinking out there? It's a joke. Even the announcers are openly mocking his gunnery.

The Lakers not named "Mamba" or "The Machine": Derek Fisher (1-for-6). Pau Gasol (3-for-9). Lamar Odom (2-for-9). Vladimir Radmanovic (1-for-4). Luke Walton (0-for-3). It's like there was a shooter's version of mononucleosis going around the Lakers locker room. I can only hope that Kobe and Voojeychick catch it by Game 4.

Kobe Bryant, world's greatest teammate: Mamba wants the world to know he both calmed and inspired his teammates after the Lakers stumbled into an 0-2 series hole. Just ask him. "What I tried to do with my teammates is just stay calm. It wasn't the end of the world. They did a great job of defending home court. We knew we had to come here and do the same. They feed off of my confidence and I have all the confidence in the world that we can come here and win."

Whatever. Look. Kobe's great. There's no question. He's one of the most amazing scorers in the history of the game. But the guy's an unremitting ass. He went bleep-crazy on the rest of the Lakers in Game 2. He stares them down. He glowers at them when they make mistakes. I don't care if you love Kobe or you hate him, if you were playing basketball with somebody who treated you the way Kobe treats his teammates you would hate his guts. I guarantee it.

Curt Shilling was sitting behind the Lakers bench during Game 2 in Boston, and he made some pretty interesting observations on his blog: "Kobe. This one stunned me a little bit. Who doesn't know Kobe Bryant right? I only know what I have heard, starting awhile back with the entire Shaq debacle. I don't really have an opinion one way or the other on or about him other than to know that people feel he might be one of the 4-5 greatest players to ever lace it up. What I do know is what I got to see up close and hear, was unexpected. From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy bitch at his teammates. Every TO he came to the bench pissed, and a few of them he went to other guys and yelled about something they weren’t doing, or something they did wrong. No dialog about 'hey let's go, let's get after it' or whatever. He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team. Then when they made what almost was a historic run in the 4th, during a TO, he got down on the floor and basically said 'Let's f'ing go, right now, right here' or something to that affect. I am not making this observation in a good or bad way, I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys, every time out it was high fives and 'Hey nice work, let's get after it' or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game. Just weird to see another sport and how it all works. I would assume that's his style and how he plays and what works for him because when I saw the leader board for scoring in the post season his name sat up top at 31+ a game, can't argue with that. But as a fan I was watching the whole thing, Kobe, his teammates and then the after effects of conversations. He'd yell at someone, make a point, or send a message, turn and walk away, and more than once the person on the other end would roll eyes or give a 'whatever dude' look."

Of course, when he heard about it Phil Jackson -- the same guy who blasted Kobe to tiny bits in a first-person, tell-all book a few years back -- got all bent out of shape that people might (GASP!) find out what an asshat Kobe can be. "I've been against [fans sitting close to the bench] for as long as I've been coaching. Those people don't belong there, somebody is going to get hurt. But that becomes part of what the NBA is about, being close to the action and close to the scene. We have to suffer the consequences because of it." Considering the fact that he wrote that above-mentioned book, that statement sure makes Phil seem like a bit of a hypocrite. But at least he's a very Zen-like hypocrite.

Kobe's freethrow shooting: I'm not even going to get into the officiating, but Mamba got his calls in Game 3...and 18 freethrow attempts. Amazingly, he missed seven of them. Crazy for somebody who's normally so clutch.

Update! Doc Rivers, quote machine: Doc took the "high ground" after his team loss the freethrow battle to the Lakers. Said Doc: "I'm just surprised [Jackson] didn't whine about the fouls tonight. I told our guys, 'Listen, you had a chance to win but don't be delusional. That team attacked you, they were the aggressor. That's why they went to the foul line. They deserved it.' I told them I didn't want to hear about Coach Jackson complaining and that's why. No that's not why. They played harder, they drove to the basket and they deserved to go to the foul line." Doc might not be half the coach Jackson is, but at least he's got a little something Phil doesn't have: Class.

Update! Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy: Basketbawful reader jodial observed that: "Your 'Worst of the Night' should have included J. Van Gundy and M. Jackson's impassioned on-the-air claims that 'you don't have to win a championship to be a champion.' Huh?! Sounds like a couple of guys who never won championships talking!" True dat. I mean, no offense to guys like Barkley, Ewing, Malone, Stockton, and Wilkins...but you're only a champion if you're, you know, a champion.

Labels: Boston Celtics, feeling pissed off, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, officiating, Phil Jackson, Tim Donaghy

Today's slobbery presentation of man love was provided by Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes. In it, we see Kendrick Perkins playing the defense that dare not speak its name against Pau Gasol. I'd say that the look on Gasol's face is a combination of disgust, outrage, and pure retard stupidity...but he pretty much always looks like that, doesn't he? (Note: I suppose it's also possible that, as Five Pound Bag observed, Perkins might be a zombie om-nom-nom-nomming on Gasol's Spanish brains.)


Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, Gasol doesn't like being kissed like a common whore, so I guess what Perkins did was kind of rude. But maybe that'll teach Gasol not to go flashing his goods all over the place.

Update! Kudos to Me. Friend of Bamboo. for digging up a post from the Basketbawful archives that proves Gasol has a history of showing off his man stuff.

Another update! This addition is from AnacondaHL: "1: Cut a hole in the ball. 2: Put your junk in that ball. 3: Have Perkins open the ball." And if you don't get that reference, there's nothing I can do to help you. (Okay, there actually is. No need to thank me.)

Labels: fan submissions, Kendrick Perkins, man love, Pau Gasol

That new Magic-and-Larry promo for the Lakers-Celtics Finals got me thinking about some of the great Magic Johnson commercials from the 80s and early 90s. Those ads did more than just brainwash us into mindless consumerism; they taught us things, too. Like the fact that spicy chicken can give you superpowers and diet soft drinks are best enjoyed while wearing a tuxedo.

The commercial Magic teaches some white kid how to hit a reverse layup and then does a magic trick.


The lesson: That it's possible, even for America's goofy white youth, to learn Magic Johnson's signature moves on the first try. Also, that all it takes is a towel and Magic's crotch to transform a basketball into a bottle of 7-up.

Update! Basketbawful reader Five Pound Bag has informed me that the goofy blond dude in Magic's 7-up commercial was actually Ann Meyers, one of the most notorious serial killers of...wait, sorry, that was Michael Meyers. Ann Meyers was one of the greatest female basketball players of all time. She was so good that she actually signed a contract with the Indiana Pacers in 1980 (seriously). So, you know, my bad. But you have to admit, she was very mannish in that video.

The commercial: Magic Johnson hangs out with some kids and tells them: "Don't foul out, say no to drugs."


The lesson: That -- with apologies to Josh Howard -- drugs are bad. Very, very bad. However, the subtext is that having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection isn't just okay, it's freaking awesome. (Right up until you contract a deadly STD, anyway.)

The commercial: Several people, including Magic Johnson, drink Diet Pepsi in what one presumes is their "natural environment."


The lesson: That anybody -- regardless of race, creed, or social standing -- can enjoy the cool, refreshing, calorie-free deliciousness of Diet Pepsi. Even if it does taste like ice-cold ass. Also, that Magic's "natural environment" is suspended from a backboard while wearing a tuxedo.

The commercial: Magic plays some pickup ball before rehydrating with some Slice.


The lesson: That Gatorade is for sissies (or it was in 1990). Nothing restores complex carbohydrates and electrolytes quite like a can of vaguely orange-flavored soda. Also, Magic isn't above using his basketball powers in petty, frivolous ways to amaze young children who barely recognize him.

The commercial: Magic Johnson selfishly eats an entire bucket of chicken at a pickup game. Then breaths fire.


The lesson: That running into Magic Johnson at a dreary, local gym is less exciting than the prospect of sharing greasy, deep-fried chunks of slaughtered farm animals with him. Additionally, pyrotechnics are the best way to get people to back the hell off when you're eating. Oh, and (as karma pointed out) black men like to play basketball and eat fried chicken...who knew?

Labels: commercials, lessons, Magic Johnson

I understand why the butt slap happens. I don't approve of it, but I understand it. What I can't comprehend, though, is the lingering and strangely intimate "resting my hand lightly-yet-lovingly on your ass." At first I thought that Sam couldn't bear to watch such a warm display of man-loving. But it's obvious to me now that he was just jealous. After all, KG hasn't touched his butt like tht since 2003...

Labels: Boston Celtics, James Posey, Kevin Garnett, man love, Sam Cassell

Editor's note: Due to some serious technical difficulties, I can't check email or use Blogger's editing functions (i.e., I can't insert links and such). So sorry for the lack of references and I apologize if I missed any cool submissions. Hopefully Al Gore will fix the Internet soon.

The Lakers for the first 40ish minutes: They were flat and stagnant on offense. They were listless and lazy on defense (a fact that was highlighted by Leon Powe's coast-to-coast -- and completely uncontested -- fourth-quarter slamma-jamma). They whined and flailed around after every call and no-call that didn't go their way (more on that below). In short: They were a complete embarrassment to the sport of basketball. And, not surprisingly, they found themselves down 95-71 with 7:55 remaining.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: At some point during the fourth quarter, Kobe waded through the flotsam and jetsam of what was turning into a historic ass-whupping and went curse-crazy on his 'mates in the team huddle. And Mamba described his Matt Foley-esque motivational speech like this: "Get our bleep in gear. Play bleep harder, a bunch of other bleeps. It's beep, beep, beep, beep. 'Eddie Murphy Raw' times 10."

The Celtics for the last 7ish minutes: On paper, Boston played the perfect game: They shot 53 percent from the field and 9-for-16 from three-point range, won the freethrow battle by a lot (more on that below), won the rebounding battle by a little, registered an amazing 31 assists on 36 baskets -- how is that not a record? -- and took a 2-0 series lead in the NBA bleeping Finals. But as hollow victories go, this one feels about as empty as my grandpa's wooden leg. The Celtics were up by 24 with just under eight minutes to go. They were still up by 16 with 3:38 remaining. Yet that overpowering lead was cut to only two with 38 ticks left on the clock. And there wasn't a Celtic fan on this planet or any other who wasn't pissing him or herself.

How? Why?! Well, the Lakers got fired up, obviously. They got hot, too (L.A. outscored Boston 41-25 in the fourth by shooting 14-for-21 from the field and hitting seven three-pointers). But the biggest reason is that the Celtics just went to sleep. You could see it on offense, where they were simply trying to eat up as much clock as they could. You could see it on defense, where they stopped aggressively pursuing L.A.'s long-distance shooters. It was obvious they simply expected the Lakers to roll over and die quietly. You could read it on their faces, especially Paul Pierce's, with the way he was grinning and giggling all over the court (especially after he got called for travelling on a three-point attempt and nearly started humping the referees leg).

Doc Rivers certainly recognized what was going on. "We've got to play through the game for 48 minutes, and I didn't think we did that. I thought we got cute when we got the lead." True enough. But there's one problem with that statement: Isn't Doc, above anyone else, supposed to keep all that cutesy-pie stuff from happening? The Celtics might have decided to take the rest of the night off, but Doc was the one who let 'em do it.

And it's not like this is a one-game aberration. Boston twice frittered away big leads against the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. And, like last night, they won both of those games...but it's still a disturbing trend. Because if they keep screwing around, one of these nights they're going to lose that way. Hopefully, Game 2 was a wakeup call.

Update! Evil Ted thinks that the almost-comeback might actually benefit the Celtics: "From a psychology standpoint, Game 2 worked out about as well as it could have for the Celtics. After building a huge lead, the Celtics had an enormous competitive letdown (which, in my estimation, began when LEON POWE went coast-to-coast uncontested) that nearly allowed the Lakers to steal the game. For the Celtics: they learned a valuable lesson about 'losing your competitive edge' and let still managed to win the game. For the Lakers: instead of going into game 3 with an 'us against the world' and a 'we must prove ourselves' attitude that would naturally come from being decisively blown out, they crawled back into the game and nearly pulled off one of the greatest comebacks in Finals history. Instead of making the Lakers feel "comfortable" for Game 3, it could just as easily strip them of the fury (and of Phil Jackson's potential 'bulletin board material') that would have come from a more humiliating loss."

Bob Delaney, Dan Crawford, Ken Mauer: Ah, once again the Officiating Menace rears it's ugly heads. Let it be known far and wide that the Celtics got a 38-10 freethrow advantage last night. Leon Powe -- who was amazing with 21 points in 15 minutes -- got more free throws than all of the Lakers combined (13-10). Not, it isn't as though Powe or the Celtics didn't earn their trips to the line; they were aggressive and they were clearly getting hit. The Lakers were getting hit too...they just weren't getting the calls. And in case you were wondering, the answer is: Yes, it had an effect on the game.

It's a damn shame, too, considering that Game 1 was so officiated so fairly. As I've said about a jillion-kazillion times before, all I want as a fan of the game is consistency in how the game is called. And when there isn't any, even when it favors my team, it makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Update! Vladimir Radmanovic's "breakaway dunk": This was an unforgivable omission by me on the first go-around. Thanks to Josh for the following reminder: "I can't believe you didn't mention the unfathomable no-call on Radmanovich's steal/breakaway dunk with a few minutes left...dude walked halfway to L.A. on that play." You're so very right, Josh. My bad. Here's the video:


The Lakers' bitching and moaning: There's no question they deserved more calls than they got (although probably not as many as they think they should have gotten). One terrible no-call that springs to mind was a Kevin Garnett "block" on Pau Gasol that was all forearm. The problem is, after suffering a handful of uncalled thwacks and watching Powe put on a freethrow shooting exhibition, the Lakers totally lost their composure. They started complaining and overreacting after almost every miss, regardless of how much contact was or wasn't made. Kobe was cursing at the officials and eventually got T'd up for it.

Quick lesson, kids: Yelling at the refs is not going to win them over to your way of thinking. And it didn't do the Lakers any good last night. I wouldn't be surprised if their whining actually cost them some calls they might otherwise have gotten. Because that's what happens, just like makeup calls happen.

Phil Jackson, never one to shy away from blasting anyone in his path, had plenty to say about the officiating. "I'm more struck by the fact that Leon Powe gets more foul shots than our whole team does in (Powe's) 14 minutes of play. That's ridiculous. You can't play from a deficit like that; that we had in that half, 19-2 in the first half. I've never seen a game like that in all these years I’ve coached in the Finals. Unbelievable. I think my players got fouled, I have no question about the fact my players got fouled and didn't get to the line. Specifically I can enumerate a few things, but I'm not going to get into that." Oh, heavens no. Clearly he doesn't want to get into that.

The Lakers coach wasn't the only one riding in the wah-mbulance last night. Kobe did it do, although subtly ("Guys were getting hit going to the basket and not always being called.") while Sasha Vujacic stated his case a little more clearly ("You can't do anything because if you do anything they're going to go to the line. We went to line 10 times. It will be a different story in L.A.").

That's an interesting excuse for L.A.'s lackluster defensive effort (presumably that's why none of the Lakers wanted to so much as wave a red cape in front of Powe during his last mad dash to the basket). But in my experience, showing up the refs during the game and blasting them in the press doesn't really benefit a team. At least, not immediately. I kind of expect the officiating to be fairly even in Game 3 and then tilt pretty far in the Lakers favor in Game 4. But we'll see.

Sam Cassell: E.T. was in the game for about half a second before he forced up his first shot. The dude has become a straight-up gunner. And he was shooting blanks last night (0-for-2 in 6 minutes). It's gotten so bad that even Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy are making fun of him (one of them, I forget which, responded to a rare Cassell non-shot by saying, "Look, Sam actually passed the ball this time" or something to that effect).

Mark Jackson: Listen to Mark lose his bleeping mind and compare Leon Powe to...well, just listen for yourself.


The NBA: Notice how they added a center line to the court for Game 2? How is it they didn't think of that any earlier?

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, officiating, Paul Pierce, Worst of the Night

Note: Thanks to Ryan R. for the graphic.

This is Part 8 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. This was the infamous "Lakers Revenge" series, where L.A. finally beat the Celtics in the Finals...in Boston Garden no less. And I will now throw up in my mouth.

1985 NBA Finals

Be careful what you wish for: As noted in Part 7, Magic Johnson pretty much blew the '84 Finals with costly turnovers and missed freethrows. He became so depressed afterward that Kevin McHale started calling him "Tragic Johnson" and Larry Bird was gracious enough to openly invite another showdown with the Lakers in the Finals: "I'd like to give them the opportunity to redeem themselves. I'm sure they have guys who feel they didn't play up to their capabilities."

Cedric Maxwell: 1984-85 was not a good season for Cornbread Maxwell. First, he held out of training camp because of a contract dispute. Then, in February, he underwent arthroscopic knee surgery and missed 25 games (which was, essentially, the rest of the regular season). When Maxwell finally returned for the playoffs, it was clear that he hadn't fully recovered, and some people in the Celtics organization -- Red Auerbach in particular -- felt that Max hadn't fully committed himself to rehabbing his knee. This enraged Auerbach, particularly since the team had given in and signed Max to a big contract extension after he had held out. To make matters worse, Cornbread openly sulked that he didn't get his starting job back (K.C. Jones decided to leave Kevin McHale, who had been on fire in Maxwell's absence, in the starting lineup). So between the subpar play and his attitude, Jones and the rest of the Celtics lost faith in the man who had taken them to the promised land in Game 7 of the '84 Finals...and he became firmly rooted to the useless Boston bench. (More on that later.)

Fun fact: Maxwell once said: "You know what I like to do in the offseason? I like to get in my big, fancy car, drive around to construction sites, and watch guys work. Then I roll down the window and say, 'Guess what boys? I got nothing to do today.'"

The new 2-3-2 format: The NBA, in collusion with CBS, had opted on a new 2-3-2 format for the NBA Finals. The company line was that the change was made to cut down on travel. This, of course, was complete and utter shenanigans. It was done for money, not to save the teams and media a few bucks on travel expenses. As Peter May explained: "CBS needed a series of at least six games to make a profit, and the chances of a six-game series were better with a 2-3-2 format." Proof positive that this decision was not made for basketball purposes: The format has remained 2-2-1-1-1 for every other playoff round. Anyway, the biggest problem with the revised format is that it forces the team with homecourt advantage to play Game 5 on the road. And most NBA experts and players -- and Larry Bird is prime among them -- feel strongly that Game 5 is the most pivotal game of any playoff series.

The Lakers in Game 1: This game has become known as The Memorial Day Massacre, and for good reason: The Celtics won it 148-114. Everybody on the Boston roster was on fire that day, particularly Scott Wedman who shot an NBA Finals record 11-for-11 from the field (including 4-for-4 from three-point range). As K.C. Jones put it: "It was one of those days where if you turn around and close your eyes, the ball's gonna go in." Meanwhile, Kareem was a complete loss: He found himself in early foul trouble, got embarrassed by Robert Parish (who repeatedly ran by the 38-year-old legend like it was a layup drill), and finished with only 12 points and 3 rebounds. (His performance was so bad that he personally apologized to Oh, and the Celtics owned a 63-43 advantage on the boards (Magic pulled down only 1 rebound; he had been averaging 7 RPG for the playoffs).

The Celtics in Game 2: They should have been ready. They should have realized that they wouldn't get all those extra points from Game 1. But they didn't. The Lakers fastbreaked their way to a 21-6 lead which they extended to 18 by halftime. Boston made a run to get back into it, but lost the game -- and homecourt advantage -- with a 109-102 loss. Larry Bird had 30 points and 12 rebounds, but shot only 9-for-21 and committed a team-high 5 turnovers. Dennis Johnson was 6-for-18. Cedric Maxwell was 0-for-1 and had zero rebounds in 11 minutes of lack-tion. Quinn Buckner had a two trillion. And Robert Parish, who sprained an ankle in the second quarter, was destroyed by Kareem (30 points, 17 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 blocks).

The Celtics in Game 3: As Hubie Brown would say, this game was "chippy" -- Boston reserve Ray Williams was tossed for punching Kurt Rambis and Bob McAdoo and Kevin McHale got double-technicals for roughing each other up. And, believe it or not, the Celtics were ahead 48-38 midway through the second quarter. That's when they got Showtimed. The Lakers went on a 27-11 run to end the half and continued pummeling Boston en route to a 136-111 arse-kicking. The Celtics shot 43 percent (compared to 54 percent for L.A.) and got pounded on the boards (63-48). Larry Bird shot 8-for-21, Dennis Johnson was 3-for-14 and Robert Parish (6-for-14) was once again handed his jock by Kareem (26 points, 14 rebounds, 7 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks).

The Lakers, having learned a lesson from the Celtics' physical tactics in '84 were now bumping and hitting their foes at every opportunity. As Mitch Kupchak, who was then playing for L.A., put it: "All I did was bang in 1985." Lakers assistant coach David Wohl put the team's new "hit 'em hard and hit 'em often" tactic into the following perspective: "They keep stealing your lunch money and every day it's another quarter until you finally get fed up and whack him. Our guys are tired of having their lunch money taken away."

Since the Boston bench was non-existent (more on that later), the starters were getting worn down, leading McHale to complain: "They're beating us on the boards. They're beating us up." Bird, meanwhile, wanted to settle things in the Forum parking lot. "I don't know if the league is up for that, but the Celtics are." You'd think Larry would have had his fill of fighting by now (more on that later).

Larry Spriggs: He had a one trillion in the Lakers' 107-105 loss in Game 4.

K.C. Jones: He had been playing the hell out of the starters all series, and he did it again in Game 5. Dennis Johnson played all 48 minutes, Kevin McHale played 46, Larry Bird and Robert Parish both played 44. Only two players got off the Boston bench: Scott Wedman (19 minutes) and Cedric Maxwell (1 rebound and 1 foul in 5 minutes). Meanwhile, he earned two technicals -- and an ejection -- for arguing with the officials. The Celtics, down by as many as 18, cut the lead to 4 on four different occasions during the final quarter but eventually succumbed 120-111. And the starters, to a man, looked absolutely and utterly spent.

Given the circumstances, Jones should have cut the team's losses and saved his starters for Game 6. But he didn't, and the team paid for it.

Fun fact: James Worthy was poked in the eye in Game 5, and the injury forced him to wear goggles in Game 6. He would go on to wear them for the rest of his career. Just in case you were wondering about that.

Johnny Most: The late, great Celtics radio man opened his Game 6 broadcast by telling everybody that Kurt Rambis had just crawled out of a sewer. Ah, you've gotta love a homer.

The Celtics in Game 6: [Insert the depressing music here.] By losing this game, the Celtics not only surrendered their title, they not only lost to the hated Lakers, they lost the championship series in the Boston Garden for the first time in franchise history. It was a dark day...a very dark day. Larry Bird scored 28 points, but he took 29 shots to do it (and he missed 17 of them). Dennis Johnson and Danny Ainge were a combined 6-for-31. And Robert Parish (5-for-14) was once again demolished by the oldest man in the league (Kareem had 29 points, 7 rebounds and 4 assists despite battling foul trouble all night and eventually fouling out). The game was actually tied 55-55 at halftime, but the Celtics ran out of gas in the second half, mostly because of...

The Boston bench: The Celtics starters played all but 26 of the 240 possible minutes in Game 6. Over the last two games, they played 430 of 480 minutes. Cedric Maxwell, M.L. Carr, Quinn Buckner, Ray Williams, and Carlos Clark didn't play a single minute in the final game. And the Boston starters played every single minute of the second half. But while the bench was Big Reason #2 that the Celtics failed in 1985, Big Reason #1 is...

Larry Bird: Larry won his second MVP in 1985. During the regular season, he averaged 28.7 PPG, 10.5 RPG and 6.6 APG while shooting 52 percent from the floor. Yet he went belly-up in the Finals, shooting 44 percent for the series (and only 42 percent after Boston's killer Game 1). Bird's shooting woes were credited to the outstanding defensive play of Michael Cooper (who after the previous year's Finals had taken video tapes of Bird on his family vacation), in addition to the Lakers solid anti-Bird defensive schemes. As David Wohl put it: "In 1985, we had three, maybe four guys on Larry. We wanted to pressure him all the time. We wanted to deny him the ball, just make him work to even catch it. I think we were more relentless in that series, and in the last two games I think it caught up with them."

And while all that is true, there's more to the story.

Bird started the playoffs on fire and was averaging 30 points (on 50+ percent shooting) and 10 rebounds up until Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals. That's when Larry's production really began to fall off. He then averaged 16 PPG and 6.3 RPG for the rest of that series and only 23 PPG and 8 RPG in the Finals. So...what happened?

Larry was already struggling with existing back and elbow injuries when he showed up to Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals with a heavily bandaged right index finger (this, by the way, was the same finger that had been mangled in a college softball game before Larry's rookie season). The injury hadn't occurred in a game and nobody within the Celtics organization would comment on it. And while the press sort of left it alone until after the playoffs, it became a three-ring media circus over the summer (well, in Boston, anyway). The story ran in both the Boston Herald and the Boston Globe. And here are as many of the facts as may ever be known (since Larry himself has chosen to never publicly discuss it):

On May 16, 1985 -- the off-day between Games 2 and 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals -- Larry, Quinn Buckner and Larry's friend Nick Harris went to a Boston bar named Chelsea's. At some point in the evening, Larry got into a fight with a man named Mike Harlow (who was a bartender from a nearby bar named Little Rascals and a former college football player) in an alley next to Chelsea's. During fight, Larry knocked Harlow the hell out and injured his right index finger.

Now, there are two versions of why the fight took place. In version one, Larry's friend Harris had been beaten up by Harlow (allegedly for repeatedly hitting on Harlow's girlfriend) and Larry came to Harris' five-fingered rescue. In version two, Larry made the advances on Harlow's girlfriend and that was why the two men fought (although that story didn't explain why Harris got beaten up first).

Either way, Harlow was hurt badly enough (or pretended to be hurt badly enough) to be admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital after the fight. He then filed a lawsuit against Larry. But before it went to trial, and out-of-court settlement was reached (for somewhere between $15,000 and $21,000) and the documents were sealed.

The fact that this happened while Larry was hanging out with Harris wasn't a big surprise. According to the Boston Herald, Harris (then a 39-year-old used car salesman) had previously been convicted for selling drugs, fixing odometers, and "fraudulent bookkeeping." The Celtics didn't want Larry hanging out with his shady buddy, and they had even asked the Massachusetts State Police to run a background check on Harris (the Celtics denied this, although the state police confirmed it). It was also reported that the Celtics had specifically asked Larry to end his friendship with Harris and Larry refused (though both parties denied it), while Bird's agent, Bob Woolf, "literally begged" Larry's close friends to convince Larry to ditch Harris. Eventually, after the Finals, Larry did so.

So yeah, the Lakers played great and the Boston bench sucked. But it is also quite possible -- even probable -- that Larry Bird cost the Celtics the 1985 NBA championship.

Even more sour grapes: Kevin McHale remained convinced that the Celtics should have won it all in '85. And years later he was still talking about it. "We had a better team than they did that year. Max got hurt and everything, but they came to the Garden not thinking they could be us in that sixth game, no way. We had played like crap. We shot the ball poorly. If we had played well that sixth game, I'm not sure they'd have showed up for the seventh game. They were a great team and all, but they did not believe at that point that they could beat us. That was a turning point for them." Uh, sure, Kevin. Whatever you say.

Jerry Buss and Pat Riley, quote machines: After the game, Buss told Brent Musburger: "This trophy removes the most odious sentence in the English Language. It can never be said again that 'the Lakers have never beaten the Celtics.'" Riley added: "They can no longer mock us as they did a year ago." I will now throw up in my mouth again...

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, Drive: The Story of My Life by Larry Bird and Bob Ryan, The Big Three by Peter May, Larry Bird: The Making of an American Sports Legend by Lee Daniel Levine, and this awesome Web site that has box scores for every NBA Finals through 2003.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, Magic Johnson, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

I was perusing the Yahoo images from last night's game, and I saw this great ass-out image of Pau Gasol playing face-up defense on Kevin Garnett.


I knew I'd seen this awkward squat somehwhere before, and after a little poking around -- I swear by all that's holy that wasn't a pun -- I found it. (Sidenote: Is Timmy giving Pau an off the heezy?)


Sure, it's the proper defensive stance and everything, but, well, there's no blunt way to put this: It looks like Pau's taking a very uncomfortable (and probably unsatisfying) dump. Which, of course, reminded me of the classic defecating Pau Gasol "action" figurine... which is still available for only 14.00 Euros!


Whew. And I was worried I wouldn't be able to work in any poop jokes today.

Labels: action figures, defense, NBA Finals, Pau Gasol

Kobe Bryant: Ah, sweet Mamba...how I've missed thee. He struck for 24 points on 26 shots while shooting only 34 percent from the field. He had 6 assists -- most of which came in the first half -- but also committed a game-high (tied with Ray Allen) 4 turnovers. For what it's worth, he also had by far the worst +/- score on the team (-13). Unless I'm very much mistaken, Kobe tried to use his patented "Defer to my teammates in the first half, then turn it on in the second half" strategy. Only he never really turned it on. And, as pointed out on TrueHoop today, he was clearly getting frustrated and gave at least one teammate the stink eye.

I'm sure he was upset because the Celtics did exactly what they wanted to do (and what most of the series previews said they had to do): They kept him out of the paint, didn't foul, and turned him into a jump shooter. Scratch that. An unsuccessful jump shooter. However, Kobe -- being Kobe -- will not be dismayed by one sub-par performance. Said Mamba: "I had some good looks, they just didn't go down for me. I just missed some bunnies. I'll be thinking about those a little bit." Here's a Kobe-to-English translation for you: "Yes, I shot poorly, and yeah, maybe I took some bad shots. But I'm Kobe motherfucking Bryant, so I'm going to shoot, shoot, and keep on shooting whenever and wherever I think best."

So this is where Kobe's newfound maturity and MVPism will be put to the test. Will he shake it off and remain the unselfish, team-first Kobe many people have come to love (or at least appreciate) this season, or will he revert back into the Mamba? My guess: The former. And I have this nauseous feeling that the Lakers are going to win Game 2.

Update! I should have noted that Kobe's bad performance, like Garnett's, was limited to the second half, as DeMeco Shall Inherit The Earth pointed out today in my NBA Closer column: "No mention of the two different Kobe's that showed up? First half Kobe was dishing the ball, getting his teammates (especially Gasol) open looks, and getting his team up by 5 at the half. Second half Kobe--especially fourth quarter Kobe--was taking awkward 18-footers into double-teams and dribbling around for 15 seconds without passing. What the fuck caused the change?"

Mike Breen and Mark Jackson: These girls got a little too excited about the nine shots that Kobe did make last night. I mean, it was like they had an vagina-gasm each and every time Mamba made a bucket. Mind you, Kobe converted some tough hoops to get them all frothing at the mouth, but let's face it...some of those were not good shots. Or, rather, they were "good" only in that they went in. It may be impressive -- no, damn impressive -- when Mamba is hitting what should be impossible shots. But while Breen and Jackson were humping the broadcasting table, Doc Rivers was nodding his head and saying, "Yup, yup, that's what we want: Kobe fading, falling away, and shooting while off-balance."

Update! Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy: Basketbawful reader David reminded me of a continuing problem involving these two platonic lovers. "This isn't something that happened just last night (it's an ongoing thing) but am I the only one annoyed by Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy constantly talking about themselves and each other? I'm not saying they can't be pals, but I wish they'd tone down the self-referencing and talk about the game." Wild Yams added: "Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy really need to just shut up. I can understand doing a little vamping and having those silly discussions if the game is an inconsequential regular season game that happens to be a blowout and they're just looking to kill time; but quit all that crap when it's Game 1 of the Finals between the Celtics and Lakers and it's a hotly contested game the whole way through!"

Sasha Voojychick: Sasha is one of those classic "Love him if he's on your team, hate him if he's not" guys, joining the ranks of M.L. Carr, Dennis Rodman and whoever else you wanna name. And being that he's not on my team, I get to hate the big faker. Last night, Douchacic shot 2-for-7, had no luck on defense, and was the unhappy recipient of the Kobe Bryant stink eye. Good times, good times...

Luke Walton: Last night's "performance" by Luke will not go down in the annals of Lakers-Celtics lore, and it should serve as Exhibit G in the case against Mitch Kupchak suddenly being the bestest GM ever [coughSixyearextensioncough!]. The line: Zero points, 0-for-2, 2 rebounds, 1 assist, and 3 fouls in 13 unlucky minutes. I can only imagine the lengthy diatribe his father must have launched into after the game. (Example: "Luke Walton used to be much better in every aspect of the game.")

Kevin Garnett in the second half: What happened, KG? The Defensive Player of the Year looked more like the Offensive Player of the Year in the first two quarters, scoring 16 points on 6-for-9 shooting. He was so good that Magic Johnson was screaming at halftime for KG to get more shots. Well, he got more shots in the second half, all right: 13 to be exact. And he hit only three of them. During one particularly brutal stretch, Garnett missed nine shots in a row.

And do you know why? In the first half, he was posting hard and making a concerted effort to work his defenders over in the paint. In the second half, after a few aggressive double-teams by the Lakers, he started hovering around the perimeter, bailing out and shooting long jumpers. Didn't KG notice this? Didn't Doc Rivers? Holy hell, why would you go away from what was working for you?! And, once again, this is why Garnett may never shake his anti-clutch reputation.

But you know, I almost forgave him for all those crappy jumpers when he did this:


Kendrick Perkins: He's one of the "wild cards" in this series, and in Game 1, that card was the Joker. The Celtics' starting center scored 1 point (0-for-1) and had as many fouls as rebounds (4). Oh, and that one shot attempt? It was blocked from behind by Pau Gasol. But worst of all, it was his blundering collision with Paul Pierce that caused Truth's knee sprain. Which, of course, turned out okay for Boston in Game 1...but how's that knee going to feel in Game 2 when all the adrenaline has worn off? Plus, let's not forget that he hurt his ankle doing nothing.

Sam Cassell: For a few glorious minutes last night, Sam-I-Am was every bit the spark plug that Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers prayed he'd be. But here's the problem with Sam: When he hits his first couple shots -- as he did last night -- he starts gunnin'. And that's not a good thing. Not by a long shot. After starting out 2-for-2, Sam went 2-for-7 the rest of the way...and some of those shots were of the ugliest possible variety. And it caused Basketbawful reader Justin to email me the following one-sentence observation: "Sam Cassell is a big, smelly turd."

James Posey: It wasn't just the crappy stats -- 3 points, 1-for-6 shooting, 2 rebounds, 2 turnovers, 3 fouls -- it was the fact that he never really had much of an impact on the game, offensively or (worst) defensively. When Pierce went down with the knee injury, I was thinking: "Okay. The Celtics need Posey to step up." And part of me really believed he'd go gangbusters.

Paul Pierce, Hero or Faker: I got a handful of comments and emails after last night's game suggesting that Pierce faked his knee injury. (And there's one journalist who's at least suggesting it.) And even I have to admit, I had a few moments of doubt after he came back and splashed home back-to-back threes. I mean, we all know that Paul wants to win a title. And he probably wants to be the inspiration for his team and carve a permanent spot for himself on The Big Rock of Celtics Lore. So if he was going to orchestrate a Wills Reed impersonation, I would hope he'd have the good sense to do it the way Larry did and wait until an elimination game.

But here's the thing: I don't think Paul was faking. I think he felt some pain and heard something scary and freaked out a little. I would have done the same thing. Hell, I have done the same thing (although I didn't have Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen there to carry me off to safety). Here's how Pierce described that terrifying moment: "I thought I tore something; tht's the way I felt at the time. Usually when I go down, I'm getting right back up, but it was an instance where I turned my knee and it popped, and I was just in pain where I couldn't move."

Yup. If you've ever played basketball on any level, pickup to pro, you've probably experienced something like that. It happened to Wilt Chamberlain in Game 7 of the 1969 NBA Finals. Fortunately for Pierce and the rest of the Celtics, Doc Rivers didn't pull a Butch van Breda Kolff and refuse to put Paul back into the game.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: To what does Pierce credit his miraculous recover and return? Why the Lord, our God, of course! Said Pierce: "I think God sent an angel down and said, 'Hey, you're going to be all right. You need to get back out there." First off, I hate it when professional athletes forward the notion that God cares about them or their team personally. Besides, I've read Stephen Colbert's book. I know God never gets involved in games he has money on. Hopefully, Paul was just kidding about all that "God sent and angel" stuff.

Update! Ray Allen: This is a comment left by Basketbawful reader Navid: "Did anyone see that timeout toward the end of the 1st quarter right after Ray Allen hit a layup and followed it up with a three? Did anyone besides me notice Ray Allen give that kid a stern forearm to the head, pushing the kid away, on his way to the bench? Pretty funny stuff." Anybody else catch that?

The Magic and Larry "There can be only one" commercial: I never thought I could get cold chills and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach at the same time, but this new promo starring Magic Johnson and Larry Legend did the trick. I mean, first off, freaking cool! I love it! And it made me wish Wilt Chamberlain was still alive so he could do the split screen with Bill Russell (although maybe Russ will do it with Jerry West instead). But Larry, Larry, Larry...he looked bad, didn't he. I mean, bad even for Larry Bird.

Also, this one had the worst possible "acting" of any of the "There can be only one" commercials the NBA has produced so far. Not only did it have a right-off-the-cue-card feel to it, you could tell both men were concentrating with all their will power to stay on time.

Aw, the hell with it. It's still awesome. Here's the video, courtesy of Odenized.


Note: Did anybody else notice how they leaned Larry forward so his double-chin wouldn't show? Total fat girl angle shot move. Also, loved the synchronized blink at the end.

Update! Basketbawful reader anne thinks Larry should be featured on Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Which is, like, so wrong...but also kinda right. Bonus reading: Here's Cracked.com's brilliant Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. (Here's a preview: Chuck Klosterman is number 25 and is described as "Someone who has penned 14 books on the spiritual nature of the vulva.")

Update! The Larry O'Brien trophy decoration thingie: I forgot this on the first go around and was going to save it for Game 2. But damn, it was bad. And Basketbawful reader Jaz didn't let me off the hook. "How about the aesthetic abomination that is the big painted trophy on the floor? Ugh. And little trophies on all the uniforms and gear. And the 'artsy' shot of Kobe making love to the trophy. The NBA has made that ugly trophy into a golden calf. I guess David Stern should know that story, and how it ended. BTW, trial in Seattle, June 16! And Mike Breen forgot to shave." There's also a reader on TrueHoop who thinks the trophy caused one backcourt violation and one non-violation.

Oops! And so did Evil Ted. "Early in the game, officials called a backcourt violation on Gasol that wasn't a backcourt violation, why? Because Gasol's location in relation to the centerline was obscured by the fact that the Celtics have plastered an O'Brien trophy logo across the full width of the court. If a bad call relating to the midcourt line is made at a critical point in a critical game, expect to hear more about this unecessary logo. Later in the game, KG saved a ball from going into the back court and the Celtics scored. It was a critical play and it looked like KG's foot stayed on the correct side of the center line, but there's no precise way to tell. Why? Cause there's no centerline, that's why. In a related story, the Patriots will be spraypainting both Gillette stadium goallines with giant Lombardi trophies. There won't be any way to tell if a player breaks the plane, but at least the field will look cool."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Paul Pierce, Worst of the Night

Basketbawful reader Jocelyn just sent me this video, which is a mash-up of Lakers versus Celtics with the new Batman trailer. Kobe is Batman, KG is the Joker. Most of the video is so-so, but the KG-as-the-Joker parts made me spit up a little. So: Here you go.

Labels: Batman, Boston Celtics, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Videos

This is Part 6 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. This was the first Magic versus Bird Finals and the series in which the Lakers -- after a break that lasted almost two decades -- once again got to be the Celtics' bitch.

1984 NBA Finals

Short-shorts: Come on. Just look at that picture!

Sheer and utter ugliness: There's no way to put this bluntly, so I'll put it nerdly: The 1983-84 Boston Celtics looked like they belonged in the Star Wars Cantina moreso than the NBA Finals. Larry Bird (as Bill Simmons has pointed out many, many times) was rocking the world's premier blond afro-mullet and a mustache that looked like something from an out-of-the-bag Halloween costume. Dennis Johnson was a black man with freckles. Robert Parish had an "I'm about to choke a bitch" scowl permanently frozen on a face that looked like it was chiseled out of granite. Kevin McHale looked like the love child of Herman Munster and Plastic Man. M.L. Carr tried to camouflage his resemblance to a chipmunk with a porn-star mustache. Greg Kite -- bless his heart -- was a goofy white goon. Oh, and Danny Ainge, while not technically ugly, looked like that whining, bratty kid you hated in kindergarten.

M.L. Carr, quote machine: Carr saw the Lakers as "preppies" and "wimps" because they were based in southern California, which at that time was regarded as the preppie capitol of the world. And, prior to Game 1, he didn't think those pretty boys could hack the brutal conditions in Boston Garden. Said Carr: "Get the convertible out, put the top down, and don't be coming here with any Polos and Pierre Cardins. Make sure you don't mind getting wet, 'cause the Garden's gonna be a sweatbox."

Scheduling: The Lakers eliminated the Phoenix Suns in Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals on a Friday night (West Coast time). Game 1 of the NBA Finals was immediately scheduled for Sunday night in Boston (East Coast time). But then Game 2 wouldn't be until the following Thursday. Why? Network television, my friends. CBS refused to disrupt its prime-time lineup during May sweeps and David Stern -- then in his first year as league commissioner -- didn't want the Finals shown on tape delay (as they had been in the early 1980s). Therefore Game 1 had to be aired before sweeps started and Game 2 would be aired only after the sweeps ended. Because God knows that the American people needed to see what happened on the sweeps episodes of Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Knots Landing.

Fun fact: Ever wonder why the NBA regular season begins in November instead of October, as it did back in the 80s? Stern did that so the Finals would come after the May sweeps and therefore be "ready for prime-time." Seriously.

K.C. Jones: When the Finals began, K.C. decided to put the 6'2" Gerald Henderson on the 6'9" Magic Johnson. He made this decision despite the fact that the Celtics had acquired Dennis Johnson in the offseason for the express purpose of defending guards like Andrew Toney and Magic. The reason? Because Magic was guarding Henderson, and that way Henderson could stick with Magic when the Lakers chose to fastbreak (which was, you know, every possession). Basically, Jones was terrified that D.J. wouldn't be able to find Magic in transition, which was a woeful underestimation of D.J.'s skills as a defensive player. K.C. stuck with this ludicrous game plan until midway through Game 4.

The Celtics in Game 1: They were rested. They were at home, where they had been 33-8 during the regular season and were 9-0 in the playoffs. The Lakers, meanwhile, were exhausted from playing on Friday night and taking a cross-country commercial flight to Boston (they didn't even have time for a real practice; they simply sketched a court on the hotel floor and walked through plays). Nonetheless, L.A. jumped all over Boston, building a 20-6 lead in the first six minutes. They led by 13 at halftime (65-52) and by 19 midway through the third quarter (73-54). The Celtics made a valiant comeback attempt, but fell short and lost 115-109.

For the game, Boston shot 43 percent (compared to 57 percent for the Lakers) and committed 17 turnovers. Cedric Maxwell was 3-for-8 from the field. Larry Bird shot 7-for-17 and committed 6 turnovers. Robert Parish (13 points) got destroyed by the 37-year-old Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (32 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists) before fouling out (and Kareem was suffering from a migraine headache at the time). Oh, and Danny Ainge had a two trillion.

Kevin McHale's missed freethrows: Having already lost Game 1 at home, the Celtics absolutely could not afford to lose Game 2. Despite that, they were facing a two-point deficit with 20 seconds left. But Kevin McHale had been fouled and had the chance to tie the game by converting a couple foul shots. But he didn't. He bonked both of them...and his knees were shaking.

Here's how Larry Legend remembered it: "I'll never forget it. He missed the first one and now he's worried, so now he's trying to guide the ball in. He didn't make that one either. What we didn't know until we saw the tape was that while he was lining up that second shot, Kevin's knees were clacking back and forth. They were really shaking. Oh, we got on him hard. Max was leading it, calling him 'Clacker' and 'Slacker' and 'Knee Shaker.' Everybody said, 'How would you like to have Kevin taking the last shot of the game?' It was so funny." Yeah. Funny. But only because the Celtics won the game. And that happened because of...

The tragic turnover, Part I: Thanks to McHale's blown freethrows, the Lakers were still leading 113-111 with 20 seconds. Coach Pat Riley had told Magic to call a timeout if McHale made his foul shots. Magic, however, misunderstood and called a timeout after the misses. This allowed the Celtics to set up their defense as opposed to forcing them to commit a quick foul. After the timeout, Magic inbounded the ball to James Worthy at midcourt, and Worthy tried to lob the ball over the Boston D to Byron Scott. But Gerald Henderson rondo'd the pass and took it in for a layup.

This is how Henderson remembered it: "We were pretty down after Kevin missed those fuckin' freethrows. M.L. and me had been coming in as a defensive tandem for a while, and we'd tell each other, 'Let's make somethin' happen. We gotta make it happen.' It wasn't hard to get pumped up with M.L. around. I think I had Byron Scott. Magic took the ball out. He passed it to Worthy, and I left my man anticipating because whoever went to double-team Worthy had left their man. You rotate and I rotated to the open man. I guess it was an instinctive thing. I was at full speed. After I got it, Worthy came over. He wanted the ball back, but at that point, it's two."

The tragic turnover, Part II: Henderson's steal and layup made it 113-all, but the Lakers had the ball and 13 seconds...which should have been all the time they needed to get a good shot. Particularly since they had Kareem (with his unblockable skyhook) and Worthy had been on fire all day (11-for-12). But Magic dribbled out the clock without attempting a shot or a pass. And it wasn't because of the Celtics defense. He just had a brainfart of legendary proportions. The Celtics went on to win in overtime, 124-121.

The Celtics in Game 3: This ass-kicking couldn't have been more complete if Larry Bird had strapped a self-operated ass-kicking machine to his back. The Lakers were already leading by 11 at halftime. But then...then they exploded for 47 points in the third quarter. During one particularly brutal five-minute run, the Lakers scored 18 consecutive points while the Celtics missed 10 shots and committed 5 turnovers. Boston shot 39 percent for the game, got outrebounded 63-44, and eventually lost 137-104. It was the worst loss in the Celtics playoff history.

Bird busts his teammates, Part I: After the game, Bird was pissed. And Larry did what many frustrated athletes have done in the same situation: He threw his team under the bus. Said Bird: "We played like a bunch of sissies. I know the heart and soul of this team, and today the heart wasn't there, that's for sure. I can't believe a team like this would let L.A. come out and push us around like they did. Today I didn't feel we played hard. We got beat bad, and it's very embarrassing." Ye-ouch.

Bird's "Sissy Speech" is now the stuff of legends. Boston sportswriter Peter May called it a "Churchhillian 'We shall fight on the beaches' address," and many people credited it with turning the series around. That said, it would not go over well today. I mean, think about it. When Kobe Bryant went out shakin' trees, he got crucified. When Joakim Noah correctly accused his teammates of not being dedicated to winning, his coach told him to shut up. When Carmelo Anthony called his team out for quitting in the playoffs -- which they did -- he got blasted by the press. Times, they have 'a changed.

The "Finals MVP" announcement: The day after Game 3, the Los Angeles papers began a print campaign to have James Worthy named Finals MVP, despite the fact that the Lakers were still two games away from winning the title. This enraged the Celtics, and Cedric Maxwell noted that he had to play six games and win a championship before being named Finals MVP in 1981.

McHale's infamous clothesline: Game 4 was what Hubie Brown would call "chippy." Larry Bird ass-checked Michael Cooper into the stands. Kareem whacked Bird in the face with an elbow, and Larry responded by getting all up in Kareem's face. There was pushing. There was shoving. And all this came to a head in the second quarter when Kevin McHale almost killed Kurt Rambis.


This was one of the most violent plays in NBA history. In his book Who's Better, Who's Best In Basketball, Elliot Kalb claimed that this play opened the door for the hand-to-hand combat tactics of the Bad Boys Piston teams of the late 80s (and therefore those brutal Knicks and Heat teams from the 90s). But according to the man who committed the foul, it was kind of an accident.

Said McHale: "I didn't know what the hell was going on there. Sitting next to M.L. on the bench, he'd scream every time they got a layup. 'No more layups! Grab 'em, grab em!' I heard this for six minutes every game. (McHale was still the sixth man at this point.) So I got out there, and coming down on the break, they passed it one way, they got it back to Kurt, and I just...turned. It looked like I horsecollared him. I was trying to grab him. His momentum carried my left arm so far away I couldn't lock 'em. He just went down really hard, and I went, 'Oooooh.' At that point, it was such a physical series, I wasn't going to help him up. I felt bad, and I hoped he wasn't hurt. Hey, if I was trying to hurt somebody, I'd try to hurt Magic or somebody, not Kurt Rambis. It just happened. That kind of set the tone for our team, but I just wanted to grab the guy. I sure didn't want to get him like that."

The Lakers choke job: Most people believe that McHale's clothesline is what changed the series. As Cedric Maxwell put it: "Before Kevin McHale hit Kurt Rambis, the Lakers were just running across the street whenever they wanted. Now they stop at the corner, push the button, wait for the light, and look both ways."

But here's the thing: The Lakers were leading by six points when that happened, and they were still leading by five with less than a minute left in regulation. But Parish converted a three-point play after a sequence in which the Celtics got three straight offensive rebounds, and then Bird hit two freethrows with 16 seconds left. The Lakers had the ball and a chance to win it, but Parish stole a pass from Magic, who was trying to get it into Worthy in the post.

In overtime, Magic missed two huge freethrows. Then Worthy missed one and Maxwell gave him the choke sign. The score was tied with 16 seconds left when Magic was forced to pick up Bird (Michael Cooper had fallen down). Larry promptly sank a fallaway shot over Magic and the Celtics went on to win 129-125.

Bird's followup: After Game 4, the press was excited to find out how Bird felt about how his teammates had responded to his "sissy challenge." And this is what Larry said: "It was better. We just played like a bunch of women tonight." Ha, ha...that crazy Larry.

Fun fact: The Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend DVD uses this quote after the Celtics' Game 3 loss, presumably because they didn't have the "sissies" comment on film. But trust me: He said it after Game 4.

The Boston press: When the Lakers returned to Boston for Game 5, they had a surprise waiting for them. The Boston papers had printed the name of the hotel the Lakers were staying in. As a result, they were harassed all night by phone calls and false fire alarms. I'm guessing they didn't get much sleep.

The Game 5 heat wave: Ah, the greatness of Red Auerbach. He made a phone call to God and asked for a heat wave before Game 5. And he got it. It was 97 degrees and humid in Boston on that fateful day. And since the Garden -- which was built in 1928 -- had no air conditioning or windows, it felt more like 200 degrees. It was so bad that referee Hugh Evans had to leave at halftime and Kareem spent time on the bench desperately sucking air from an oxygen mask. This is how Kareem described the oppressive conditions: "I suggest that you go to a local steam bath, do one hundred pushups with all your clothes on, and then try to run back and forth for 48 minutes."

I'm not saying the heat is why the Lakers lost. But it sure didn't help their cause.

The Celtics in the final 16 minutes of Game 6: Boston was leading by 11 in the third quarter (84-73) and then everything came undone. L.A. outscored them 46-25 in the final 16 minutes to win 119-108. I guess you could have blamed Greg Kite and his one trillion, but Bird didn't...

Bird busts his teammates, Part II: Bird was great in Game 6: 28 points, 14 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 blocks. But he was very unhappy afterwards that he only got 11 shots (particularly when D.J. had 20 shots and Henderson had 17). Said Bird: "I wanted the ball in my hands, especially when the 11-point lead was going down. I was making things happen when I had it. I didn't get it enough when we needed it." But Bird wasn't only mad at his teammates.

Bird's conspiracy theory: I wrote about this last year, but Larry believed that Game 6 was rigged. Said Bird: "Stern told a fan that the NBA needed a seven-game series, that the league needed the money. When the commissioner makes a statement like that to a fan, you know it's going to be tough. When Stern makes a statement like that, things are going to happen. You just don't make statements like that and not expect anything out of it. He's the commissioner and he shouldn't be saying anything like that. The NBA wanted a seventh game because they wanted to make more money and they got their wish. There is no reason for me to lie. He said it. He's a man and he'll live up to it. He may say he said it in jest. But I'm out there trying to make a living and win a championship."

Stern chose not to respond to Bird directly, but NBA spokesman Brian McIntyre said: "David said Bird's comment is ridiculous. Like every fan in America, he has been looking forward to a seventh game. It's a dream matchup, and everybody has wanted to see a seven-game series since Day 1."

What I would have asked Bird is this: If the game was rigged for the Lakers to win, why did the Celtics have a 35-17 advantage in freethrow attempts?

Lakers fans: After Game 6, M.L. Carr was hit in the face and eyes by a beer cup full of an unidentified liquid. (Carr said "I don't know what it was, but it definitely wasn't beer.") Carr's eyes were so irritated by whatever it was that he had to wear goggles in Game 7. This act so enraged Maxwell that he told DJ: "Let's kill them on Tuesday. Let's kill those freaks." (Max had 24 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists in Game 7.)

The climactic Game 7: The Celtics shot 39 percent from the field in the final game. So how'd they win? By raping the Lakers on the boards (52-33, including 20 offensive rebounds). Oh, and they also got 51 freethrow attempts (compared to 28 for the Lakers). Some of those came at the end of the game when the Lakers had to intentionally foul, but still...

Tragic Johnson: If you've made it this far, you'll notice that there was a disturbing trend throughout this series: Magic throwing the ball away and missing freethrows at critical moments. And it happened again in Game 7. The Lakers came back from a 14-point deficit to trail by only three with about a minute left. Magic had the ball, but D.J. knocked it loose. Michael Cooper recovered it and gave it back to Magic, who once again had it knocked away...this time by Maxwell. The Celtics recovered and the Lakers were forced to foul D.J., who put the game away with a couple freethrows.

Magic didn't take it well. After the game, he stayed in the showers for so long that Isiah Thomas, who had come to the game to support his longtime friend, went looking for him. This is how Magic put it just recently: "But when Larry beat us the first time in '84 I think it was, you know, I was devastated. I went into hiding for about a month, sat in the dark. I was so mad, upset, you know, because the Celtics beat the Lakers once again."

This fact wasn't lost on the press, who reported on Magic's depression for most of the summer. In response, McHale started referring to him as "Tragic Johnson."

Red Auerbach, the gracious winner: Red, never one to miss a chance to stick it to the Lakers or the press, had this to say after the game: "You guys (the media) were talking about a dynasty the Lakers had. But what dynasty? Here's the only dynasty right here. This team."

Kevin McHale: Most people think that Bird wouldn't have won a championship without McHale. But it should be noted that when the Celtics won it all in '81, McHale averaged 10 MPG in the Finals. And he didn't exactly light it up in '84, either. Here are Kevin's averages for the championship series: 13.4 PPG, 5.9 RPG, 44 percent shooting (33-73). Not exactly impressive, is it?

Dennis Johnson, quote machine: Per the usual custom, the Celtics were invited to the White House to be honored for winning the NBA title. President Ronald Reagan spoke to them in 90-degree heat on Rose Garden Lawn. Reagan said: "As the leaders of your organization changed, as one group of stars was replaced by another group, the Celtics not only survived, they maintained their championship form because the Celtics have been a team of champions, larger and greater than any one player, coach or manager." DJ, amazed at how unfazed Reagan was by the heat, took the microphone and said: "Mr. President, how do you stand out here and don't sweat?"

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, Drive: The Story of My Life by Larry Bird and Bob Ryan, The Big Three by Peter May, Larry Bird: The Making of an American Sports Legend by Lee Daniel Levine, and The Boston Celtics 1984 Championship Official Souvenir Book.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, Magic Johnson, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

rondo (rahn'-do) verb. 1. To smoothly move between large objects with dexterity and purpose. 2. To remove an object quickly without being detected. 3. To create a distraction followed by a swift change of direction.

Usage example: I just rondo'd some potato chips off my co-worker's desk. I'm such a Ninja.

Word history: The word was created by the folks at Reebok for their new viral marketing campaign featuring [SHOCK ALERT!!] the Boston Celtics' Rajon Rondo. And without further ado, here are the videos (note the brilliant cameos by Dee Brown and Jo Jo White):




[Hat tip: Ball Don't Lie, featuring the madcap -- but merry -- misadventures of J.E. Skeets.]

Labels: Boston Celtics, Rajon Rondo, shoe commercials, Word of the Day

Ladies and gentlemen, we at Basketbawful are venturing into new territory: Original programming. No, we're not quite HBO yet, but this is a start. Eventually, we hope this will do for us what it did for MTV...transform a juggernaut-building convergence of spectacular entertainment into an endless string of unwatchable teen reality shows. Next up, Basketbawful's "Road Court Rules" and "Pimp My Blog."

Okay, on to the video at hand: Evil in the hands of Evil Ted on a basketball court becomes a gray, gooey substance called Pure Evil. Pure Evil -- like porn where the chick looks like she actually enjoys taking the money shot -- is a rare thing to come by. What follows is a sad attempt to fabricate that evil on video. If the result looks moronic, then assume we intended it to be that way. If the result looks like genius (it won't), then feel free to make a large donation to our PayPal account.

Labels: Basketbawful, Bastard, Evil Ted, Hardwood, premiere video

This is Part 6 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. And I hate to break this to you, but it turns out that, sometimes, '69 isn't gratifying for both parties involved.

1969 NBA Finals

Deck stacking: Some NBA conspiracy theorists -- Jeff Van Gundy prime among them -- have half-seriously suggested that there should be an investigation into the Lakers' acquisition of Pau Gasol this season. But with all due respect to Mitch Kupchak, that transaction was nothing compared to the coup that Lakers owner Jack Kent Cooke pulled off on July 9, 1968. That was the day he sent Darrall Imhoff, Jerry Chambers and Archie Clark -- otherwise known as "Who, who, and who?" -- to Philadelphia for one Wilton Norman Chamberlain. For comparisons sake, that would have been like Kupchak getting Tim Duncan and Dwight Howard for Ronny Turiaf, Luke Walton and Sasha Vujacic.

Of course, the transaction was made possible by the fact that Cooke was willing to pay out the ass for Wilt: An NBA record-busting $250,000 after taxes. (Yes, Wilt insisted that his employers pay his taxes as part of his contract.) To provide some perspective, Jerry West -- who had been the Lakers top moneymaker -- was getting $100,000 before taxes. And in case you were wondering, the answer is: Yes, this kind of deal would be impossible today given the current salary cap restrictions.

Expectations: This was supposed to be The Year for the Lakers, no question about it. Adding Wilt to a championship-caliber squad that already included Jerry West and Elgin Baylor made them the NBA's first superteam. It was literally impossible at the time to imagine they would lose to anybody, let alone the creaky, old Celtics. Not that Boston didn't receive an appropriate level of respect and reverence for what they had accomplished over the last decade, but come on. Sam Jones was 36. Bill Russell was 35 and playing through leg injuries that had hospitalized him during the regular season. They snuck into the playoffs with a 48-34 record, last among the Eastern Division playoff teams and their worst record since 1950. (And yes, that was BA; Before Auerbach.) Of course, that record was a little deceiving because of...

The first Shaq. You know how The Big Coffee Break likes to take mini-vacations during the regular season so that he'll have that oh-so-fresh feeling for the playoffs? Well, Bill Russell was way, way ahead of him on that front. According to John Havlicek: "One of the reasons we finished fourth (in the Eastern Division) was that Russell missed a lot of games near the end of the season, and that was a blessing because he had two or three weeks where he didn't play. He sort of came back to the playoffs rejuvenated." Yup. Bill Russell did a little sandbagging in his time. Funny how nobody ever mentions that.

Getting it wrong (again): Sports Illustrated declared as early as 1963 that the Celtics were too old to win another championship -- good call, huh? -- and their opinion certainly hadn't changed with the passing of six more years. This is how SI's Frank Deford put it: "As all schoolchildren know, the Celtics are too old. Too old. Too old. This is a recording." But in all fairness, Frank wasn't alone. At the time, many sportswriters were regularly referring to Bill Russell as "the old man." Oh, and Las Vegas had the Lakers as nine-to-five favorites to beat their hated rivals. So, yeah, pretty much everybody was getting it wrong.

Misdirection: On the subject of sandbagging, Bill Russell passed Jerry West while on his way to the Celtics pregame practice before the series opener, and he asked The Logo how he was feeling. This is how Jerry responded: "I feel like I got nothing in me. This season's been two years long."

West's "nothing" turned out to be good for 53 points in 46 minutes, which propelled the Lakers to a thrilling 120-118 win (despite 39 points from John Havlicek). West was so hot that Russell approached him during the third quarter and said: "Empty, huh? I'm getting so I just don't believe you country boys anymore."

Fun fact: Mr. Clutch said that his hot hand actually started to embarrass him late in the game, causing him to pass off to Elgin Baylor and Johnny Egan rather than take more shots. Seriously. (Can you imagine, say, Kobe getting embarrassed by how many shots he was taking?) After the game, West's shooting arm was so sore that it had to be iced down.

The Boston defense: During their championship years, the Celtics had always used defense as their primary weapon. It failed them in the first two games. By a lot. As noted, they got shelled by West and the Lakers in Game 1, and it happened again in Game 2: West finished with 41 of his team's 118 points and the Lakers took a 2-0 lead that felt more like a 7-0 lead...to everybody outside the Boston locker room.

A critical turnover, Part I: Boston won Game 3 to get back into the series, and Game 4 turned into an all-out defensive battle that the Lakers should have won. But of course they didn't. L.A. was ahead 88-87 with 15 seconds left and they had the ball. The only thing standing between them and a 3-1 series lead was a simple inbounds play...which they totally screwed up. Emmette Bryant stole the pass and the Celtics broke downcourt to try and steal the game.

A critical turnover, Part II (or "Home cooking, Part I"): After Bryant's steal, Sam Jones misfired on a potential go-ahead basket. Wilt slapped the rebound to Elgin Baylor and the game should have been over. But it wasn't. Referee Joe Gushue called Baylor for stepping out of bounds. Suffice to say, Baylor disagreed -- vehemently -- but Gushue ignored him and awarded the ball to the Celtics...giving the home team one last shot at, well, a miracle.

The unstoppable miracle, Part I: This is only a "worst of" if you're a Lakers fan. The Celtics had seven seconds to score. John Havlicek and Larry Siegfried convinced Russell to run a triple-pick play they called "Ohio" (so named because John and Larry had used it when they played together at Ohio State). The play was complicated, almost ridiculously so, and the Celtics had never actually used it in a game (Russell hadn't even attended the practice at which the play had been introduced). But they ran it anyway.

Sam Jones, who was the designated shooter, ran into teammate Baily Howell, which caused him to slip up while shooting. Knowing he had little chance to hit while off-balance, Jones threw up a high-arcing shot hoping not that it would go in but that Russell would get the rebound. There was only one problem with that idea: Russell had taken himself out of the game, figuring the Celtics needed another shooter more than they needed a rebounder. It didn't matter. Sam's shot went in, and Boston won.

Stat curse, Part I: The Lakers went on to win Game 5 at home (117-104) but Wilt got poked in the eye by Emmette Bryant and Jerry West strained his hamstring. Both players seemed to have recovered by Game 6, but the Celtics won anyway (99-90). After that loss, The Big Dipper was unable to restrain his titanic ego and boldly predicted that the Lakers were a mortal lock to win Game 7 back in L.A. Nostradamus he wasn't.

Bill Russell, quote machine: When Wilt's brash (read that: stupid) words were related to Russell, Boston's player-coach went nuclear: "Who cares what Wilt says? That's all I've heard over and over again through the years -- 'Wilt this and Wilt that.' I don't give a damn what Wilt has to say." Wow. Overreact much, Bill? (Seriously, doesn't that sound more like something you'd expect Rasheed Wallace to say rather than Bill "Mr. Classy" Russell? Yeah, me too.)

Stat curse, Part II: Jack Kent Cooke was a confident man. So confident, in fact, that he planned a wild celebration for his team's inevitable Game 7 victory. The locker room was stocked with expensive champagne. More than 5,000 balloons were strung up in nets on the ceiling to be released after the game. And the University of Southern California's marching band was waiting behind the scenes to play "Happy Days Are Here Again" after the game. Why, Cooke even had a post-game program printed up outlining how the celebration was going to play out (Elgin Baylor was to speak first, followed by Jerry West, and concluding with Wilt).

Unfortunately for Cooke and the Lakers, Bill Russell got a hold of that program. And the Celtics were not amused. Boston literally ran out to a huge lead, using a fastbreaking attack to build a double-digit lead that grew as large as 21 points in the fourth quarter. But the Lakers came back, even despite...

The Big Dipper Quitter: With five minutes left and the Celtic lead cut to a manageable nine points, Wilt came down with a rebound -- his 27th -- and twisted his knee. Lakers trainer Frank O'Neill sprayed Chamberlain's knee with Freon (no, seriously), but Wilt couldn't go and asked to be taken out.

These days, it's fairly common for an injured player to take himself out of a game, even if only temporarily. But in the 1960s, it simply wasn't done. "Real men" were expected to play unless a limb fell off or they exploded. (Red Auerbach, in fact, had once said: "There are no such thing as injuries.") So while it's entirely probable that Wilt really was too hurt to play at that moment, Russell (among others) thought he was faking to avoid getting blamed for losing to the Celtics once again. However, some people (as Basketbawful reader David pointed out) felt as though Wilt was protecting his perfect record of having never fouled out of a game (Chamberlain had 5 fouls at the time).

Butch Van Breda Kolff: Of course, the Laker comeback continued and they eventually cut the deficit to only three points. It was at that point that Wilt asked to be put back into the game. Van Breda Kolff refused, choosing instead to stick with Mel Counts. Chamberlain was enraged and kept stalking around, asking again and again to re-enter the game. Butch finally told him: "I'm not putting you back in. We're playing better without you."

Van Breda Kolff was as good as his word; he never did put Wilt back in. After the game, Butch called Wilt a quitter and Wilt called Butch a liar, and the two men nearly came to blows before being restrained. Which was much better for Van Breda Kolff than it was for Chamberlain, who would have torn the (relatively) teeny man to even teenier pieces.

A critical turnover, Part III: With less than two minutes left, Counts hit a shot to put the Lakers up by one point. It would have been L.A.'s first lead of the game, but Counts was called for traveling and the basket was taken away. It was a huge mistake. Huuuuuge.

The unstoppable miracle, Part II: With less than a minute to go, the Celtics had the ball and a one-point lead. West poked the ball away from John Havlicek, but it ended up in the hands of Don Nelson, who immediately tossed up a 15-footer that hit the back rim, flew up about 30 feet, and dropped straight back down into the basket to give Boston a three-point lead. And that lead would turn out to be insurmountable.

Of his famous shot, Nelson later said: "That was the luckiest shot I ever made in my life. The 24-second clock was running down, and Havlicek made a move. Somebody from behind hit the ball, and it came right to me. I was cutting across the paint. I just grabbed it and shot it very poorly, and it made that crazy bounce and went in. There was no time to chuckle. It was like I planned it that way."

Update! The Lakers' freethrow shooting: Talk about shooting yourself in the foot: L.A. was 28-for-47 from the foul line in that fateful Game 7. Wilt, naturally, was responsible for nine of those misses (he was 4-for-13 on the night). I'm not a mathematologist, but even I know that 19 bonked freethrows probably had an impact on the Lakers' two-point loss. (Thanks to David for the reminder.)

The consolation prize: Despite being a member of the losing team, Jerry West was named Finals MVP...mostly because everybody felt so damn sorry for him. (Also, it probably didn't hurt that he was white.) It remains the one and only time that the Finals MVP went to someone who wasn't on the winning team. West averaged nearly 40 PPG for the series and had a triple double (42 points, 13 rebounds, 12 assists) in Game 7.

West received a car for winning that award. But here's the ironic part: The car was green.

More sour grapes: Wilt, being Wilt, was angry and bitter after the game. And again, being Wilt, he chose to vent to the press: "The thing that kills me, they didn't beat us. We beat ourselves. You don't mind too much being beaten by a really superior team, but to go out and beat yourself, it's a shame." Naturally, Bill Russell heard about Wilt's remarks, and that might be at least part of the reason he eventually said whe he said...

Post-mortem: Shortly after the Finals had ended, Bill Russell was speaking at the University of Wisconsin when a student said that the only reason Russell had always defeated Wilt was because he, Russell, always had the better teammates. Not only did Bill disagree -- naming off Wilt's past and present teammates such as Paul Arizin, Tom Gola, Guy Rogers, Billy Cunningham, Hal Greer, Elgin Baylor, and Jerry West -- he blasted Wilt for taking himself out of Game 7 while his team still had a chance to win.

Mind you, Russell was retired. He would never have to face Chamberlain on the court again. He could finally speak his mind, and it seems as though there was a little bitterness built up. Russell continued: "Now, in my opinion, if he's hurt so bad that he can't play in the seventh game, he should go straight to the hospital. But if he's hurt and then five minutes later recovers, there's something wrong with that injury. You can't quit like that and win championships." And he wasn't done: "Wilt copped out in the last game. Any injury short of a broken leg or a broken back isn't good enough. When he took himself out of that game, when he hurt his knee, well, I wouldn't have put him back in either." Finally, Russell said: "He asks for [criticism]. He talks a lot about what he's going to do. What it's all about is winning and losing, and he's done a lot of losing. He thinks he's a genius. He isn't."

When Wilt heard about what Russell had said, he was outraged. After all, the two men were longtime friends. Said Chamberlain: "He's been my house guest and he's broken bread with me. I'd like to jam a ball down his throat." Russell refused to apologize or even amend what he had said, and the two men didn't speak for over 20 years. Which, really, was quite a waste of time they could never get back.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, The Rivalry by John Taylor, and Wilt: Just Like Any Other 7-foot Black Millionaire Who Lives Next Door, by Wilt Chamberlain and David Shaw.

Further reading: Go read my Lakers Versus Celtics: A Not-So-Brief History post at Deadspin.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

Check out this wacky commercial for the Bird 33 sneakers from Skechers that -- as far as I can tell -- don't even exist. Which makes sense, since I don't remember the real Larry Bird ever being quite as mobile as the digital version. Publicity stunt? Scam? Really poor marketing? You be the judge.


Seriously, though, I thought Bird was a lifelong Converse man. What happened? He must not remember what they did for him. But I do. (Hint: He walked away with something...)


Update! I guess the Bird 33s actually do exist. Trev sent in this link and Steve sent in this one and this one. Apparently, they're meant for kids, which seems...odd to me. I mean, how many 10-year-old Larry Bird fans have you met? Personally, I keep five or six ragamuffins locked up in crawl space at all times, forcing them to watch Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend over and over Clockwork Orange-style. But I've probably only gotten, say, a couple hundred brainwashed over the years, and that's hardly enough to support a shoe line.

Labels: Larry Bird, shoe commercials

This is Part 5 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. I really hope nobody forwards these posts to Jerry West. They would probably feel like a nutshot in words to him.

1968 NBA Finals

The Grim Reaper. Again. On April 4, 1968, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated by James Earl Ray. It was a national tragedy, and it just so happened to occur the night before Game 1 of the Eastern Division Finals between the Boston Celtics and the reigning champion Philadelphia 76ers. Although there was some talk of postponing the game, the teams reluctantly agreed to play.

However, Wilt Chamberlain and some of the other Sixers players were upset that their coach, Alex Hannum, didn't call a meeting to discuss it and get their opinions. Especially since Red Auerbach had done that with his Celtics. It mattered. Boston came out and beat a flat Philly team at home in that first game 127-118. The Sixers came back to win three straight to go up 3-1 before collapsing in the next three games. The Celtics won Game 7 in Philadelphia. In that Game, Wilt Chamberlain took only two shots in the second half -- both of which were putback attempts -- and touched the ball only four times in the final quarter.

At any rate, King's murder was a deep current running through these playoffs, and it certainly cast a pall over the Sixers.

Coaching: For the first time since they had started meeting in the Celtics in the NBA Finals, the Lakers had a new coach: Butch van Breda Kolff, formerly the head coach of Princeton. Nicknamed "Fang" and "Crazy Horse" by Elgin Baylor, van Breda Kolff was an explosive, beer-drinking good old boy who liked to yell at his players and would even call Baylor "dum-dum" in front of the other players.

In some ways, the Lakers responded (they went 52-30, which was the fourth best record in the league), in other ways, they did not. As Jerry West put it: "There was a change in attitude surrounding the team. He was a volatile person who pretty much said what he thought. He felt that was the way to do it. You simply cannot do that at the professional level."

Yeah. And if somebody like West felt that way, you can only imagine how the rest of the team felt about Butch. And I doubt that helped. The Celtics, meanwhile, never had any problems with their coach.

Be careful what you wish for. Again. Just like in 1962, the Lakers coaching staff and players had been rooting for the Celtics, and not the Sixers, to make it out of the Eastern Division. Such was the power that Wilt Chamberlain held over the hearts and minds of, well, pretty much everybody: L.A. preferred to face off against a team that had won eight straight championships before having an off year because they wanted to face Bill Russell rather than The Big Dipper. You read that correctly: They wanted Russell. And they got him.

Elgin Baylor and Jerry West: No matter who was coaching or who was backing them up, the performances of these two men continued to dictate whether the Lakers won or lost. In Game 1, West shot 7-for-24 and Baylor was 11-for-31. So, you know, they lost.

Butch Van Breda Kolff: After West and Baylor's stink-a-palooza in Game 1, the team came back to win Game 2 in Boston (123-113) before losing Game 3 at home (127-119). Things were looking grim in Game 4, and they started looking even worse after Butch -- living up to his "volatile person" reputation -- got himself ejected for jawing with the officials. Fortunately for him, it didn't matter because of...

Boston's defense on Baylor and West: Baylor scored 30 and West dropped a 38-point bomb on the Celtic D. That double-point explosion propelled the Lakeshow to a 118-105 victory that was marred only by...

Another injury to Jerry West: The Logo had a rough season in 1967-68. He was kneed in the thigh. He got hit in the face with a karate chop (yes, a karate chop). He broke his left hand. He bruised his hip. His nose was broken twice. He also pulled a groin muscle. During his Game 4 tour de force, West collided with John Havlicek and sprained his ankle. While it didn't affect his shooting eye -- he scored 35 points in Game 5 -- it affected his mobility and defense, and the Celtics eked out a 120-117 overtime victory.

More van Breda Kolff: In Game 5, Russell had moved Sam Jones to the forward position, where he dominated Gail Goodrich in the low post. Butch decided to counter Russell's adjustment by using a taller, slower lineup in Game 6. Um, yeah, that didn't work. I mean, L.A.'s primary advantage over Boston had been youth and speed...which van Breda Kolff effectively negated in an elimination game, no less. So much for going with what had been working for you all year. The Celtics were up by 20 after two quarters and -- behind Havlicek's 40 points -- eventually won 124-109. And this happened in Los Angeles.

More sour grapes: Jerry West was a classy guy, no question about it. But some of his statements following the L.A.'s fifth loss in the Finals to the Celtics bordered on not-so-classy. "To be frank, we gave them the championship. We gave them the first game, and we gave them the fifth." West was quick to add that "But I take nothing from them," but that's just an example of covering your ass. Because I know enough about the English language to realize that when somebody says they "gave" their opponent a championship, that person is trying to take something away.

Which is funny because, on the other hand, West freaked out after the game when an unnamed Laker asked "When do we get our playoff checks?" West, the highest paid player on the team, couldn't believe that -- GASP!! -- somebody was playing for money.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, and The Rivalry by John Taylor.

Further reading: Go read my Lakers Versus Celtics: A Not-So-Brief History post at Deadspin.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

This is Part 4 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. Which, much like Iron Eagle IV, will redefine what is rad...and what is not.

1966 NBA Finals

The Auerbach Challenge, Part I: Before the 1965-66 season even began, Auerbach had decided it would be his last campaign as Celtics coach. But instead of keeping the news under his yarmulke, Red told the press his plans in typical Auerbachian fashion: "I'm announcing it now so no one can ever say I quit while I was ahead. I'm telling everyone right now -- Los Angeles, Philadelphia, everyone -- that this will be my last season. You've got one more shot at Auerbach!"

Red did this, of course, to motivate his troops. After all, seven straight championships could make any team a little complacent (although probably not this particular team, actually). However, Auerbach's challenge also succeeded in lighting a fire under Boston's opponents (read that: everbody outside of New England). As noted in The Saturday Evening Post: "They want [the Celtics] to lose because they detest Auerbach. Auerbach has predicted he would depart a champion and they want him to go out a loser." Truer words were never spoken.

Everywhere the Celtics went, fans took advantage of their "last shot" at Red. During a convincing loss to the Royals in Cincinnati, hundreds of fans lit up victory cigars in order to mock the rascally coach. Then, in the closing seconds of the game, a woman in "maroon stretch pants and a white angora sweater" ran down from the crowd, took a long drag off of her cigar, and blew the smoke in Red's face. Naturally, Auerbach yanked the cigar out of her mouth and flicked ashes all over her. She's probably lucky he didn't stick it in her eye, too.

Things got even worse when Boston played in Philadelphia. Near the end of one blowout loss to the Sixers, fans not only lit up their victory cigars, they also peppered Red with a barrage of peanut bags and beer cans. Then, as the final buzzer sounded, a lone fan approached the Celtics bench and threw a lit cigar in Auerbach's splotchy face. Red responded by calling Philly a "bush town." Not long after, the fan wrote into the Philadelphia Bulletin to admit his guilt, but he couldn't resist taking another potshot at Auerbach. "It did not hit him. That so-called smudge he showed on his fat head was probably from his dirty hands." Oooooooh...what a zinger!

Anyway, the challenge brought the heat down on Red's team all season. And although it wasn't enough to derail Boston's championship choo-choo, it was the kind of declaration that -- had it backfired -- might had tarnished Auerbach's spotless record as a crafty winner.

The aftermath of an injury: As noted, Elgin Baylor obliterated his knee in Game 1 of the 1965 Western Division Finals. And I'm not being melodramatic; the main ligament in the knee had suffered catastrophic damage and the kneecap had split almost in half. Initially, there were serious questions about whether he would even be able to walk again, let alone play basketball. But Baylor worked like a demon to make it back to the NBA, and he did...although he could never make it all the way back. Said Elgin: "I wasn't the same player. I was about 75 percent of the player I had been."

And he wasn't. Baylor played 65 games that season, averaging 16.6 PPG (on 40 percent shooting) and 9.6 rebounds. His presence made the Lakers a better team, to be sure, but not quite the powerhouse they might have been had he been the Elgin of old.

Fun fact: Baylor's middle name is "Gay." Seriously.

The Celtics in Game 1: The Celtics raced out to a 38-20 lead, which should have been a big enough cushion anywhere -- even Pluto! -- but especially Boston Garden. It wasn't. By the final minute, the Lakers had tied the score. They even took a brief lead when Bill Russell goaltended a shot by Elgin Baylor. But Sam Jones hit a shot to force overtime. But Boston couldn't stay in front of Baylor (36 points) or Jerry West (41 points), and L.A. pulled out a 133-129 victory.

The Auerbach Challenge, Part II: Red wasn't going to just sit back and let the Lakers have a psychological edge over his team going into Game 2. So Auerbach made the grandest possible announcement: Bill Russell was going to be the next coach of the Boston Celtics. The news not only turned the basketball world upside down -- after all, Russ was going to be the first black head coach in a major American sport -- it also stole the headlines from the Lakers. And L.A. coach Fred Shaus was pissed. But what could he do? Nothing, except pray that his team would respond with fire.

They didn't.

Boston won game two in a 129-109 blowout, then crushed the Lakers in L.A. by a score of 120-106. They also edged the Lakers in Game 4, 122-117, and it looked like the series was all but over. All the Celtics had to do was win Game 5 at home.

They didn't.

The Celtics in Games 5 and 6: Boston choked at home (121-117) and then again in Los Angeles (123-115) to set up yet another Game 7 showdown with the Lakers. This happened primarily because Fred Shaus switched to a three guard lineup, exiling starting forward Rudy LaRusso to the bench, playing Jerry West in the three spot, and putting Gail Goodrich on John Havlicek. Normally, the Celtics were the ones who used small adjustments to stymie their opponents. This time they were the victims of a minor tweak, and they couldn't respond.

Elgin Baylor and Jerry West: The Lakers' dynamic duo didn't respond well to the pressure of Game 7: They combined to shoot 3-for-18 in the first half -- 2-for-9 for West, 1-for-9 for Baylor -- as the Celtics built a huge lead. And Boston should have cruised from there.

But they didn't.

Red Auerbach (via John Volpe): The Celtics led by as many as 19 points in the third quarter, and they maintained a double-digit bulge throughout the fourth quarter. They were still up by 10 points with a minute left when Volpe, who was at that time the governor of Massachusetts, lit Red's victory cigar. And if you're wondering, the answer is: Yes, the stat curse dates all the way back to the 1960s. The Boston fans went berserk and flooded the court before the game could officially end. It was crazy. Bill Russell -- who was actually playing on a broken foot -- got knocked on his ass. Satch Sanders had his jersey torn off his body. Orange juice containers were spilled all over the floor. In short: Bedlam.

The referees managed to get the fans off the court, for the most part, and restored a semblance of order. But the Celtics were in trouble. One Boston defender slipped on some orange juice and fell over, which allowed Jerry West to score a quick bucket. Mr. Clutch then stole the ball from Russell and scored again. Boston lost the ball on an offensive foul and L.A. scored again. The lead was down to four. Sam Jones, who was pretty clutch himself, got a case of the yips and bobbled a pass out of bounds. The Lakers had the ball back yet again, and their center, Leroy Ellis, hit a jumper to cut the Celtic lead to only two with four seconds left.

Auerbach must have been ready to strange Volpe, governor or no.

But Russell inbounded the ball to K.C. Jones, who quickly dribbled around a cluster of L.A. defenders and flung the ball toward John Havlicek as time ran out. Boston 95, L.A. 93. Make it eight straight titles for the Celtics, and one final championship celebration for Red Auerbach.


The Boston police: When he finally left the Garden after his team's Game 7 victory, Red found a parking ticket under his car's windshield wiper. Auerbach shrugged it off, though, figuring that after all the good luck he'd had over the years, he could deal with a little bad luck. (And I'm guessing he never had to pay that ticket...)

The Auerbach Challenge, Epilogue: After the game, back in the comfort of his hotel room, Red had this to say to journalist Milton Gross: "If they were going to beat me, this was their shot. And they couldn't."

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, and The Rivalry by John Taylor.

Further reading: Go read my Lakers Versus Celtics: A Not-So-Brief History post at Deadspin.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Red Auerbach, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

This is Part 3 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. And just like Return of the Jedi, this third championship meeting between the two teams was ruined by the presence of hundreds of Ewoks. Seriously.

1965 NBA Finals

The Grim Reaper: Walter A. Brown, the original owner of the Boston Celtics, died on September 7, 1964 at the relatively young age of 59. This meant that Brown missed out on watching his team set a franchise record for victories (62) and win their seventh consecutive league championship. He also missed Red Auerbach's first (and only) Coach of the Year award.

Regarding Brown, Tommy Heinsohn said: "Everybody loved Walt Brown. He was like your father. He didn't make any money. He savored life at the Garden. You went in to talk contract with Walter Brown. You'd walk into the men's room, and he's say, 'What do you want?' And you'd say, 'What do you want to give me?' And it would be back and forth, and by the time you zipped up, you had a deal."

By all accounts, Brown was one of the best and most generous owners the league has ever known. He sacrificed a lot to keep the Celtics going during some very difficult years. It's a damn shame he had to die when he did. Or ever, for that matter.

Fun fact: The NBA championship trophy was renamed in Brown's honor after his death. It remained the Walter A. Brown Trophy until the mid-80s. The trophy was similar to the Stanley Cup in that it was a bowl placed above engraved panels listing the previous championship teams. Furthermore, the trophy was kept by the winning team for one year and then given to the next championship team after the following finals.

The trophy was redesigned for the 1977 NBA Finals -- adopting it's current ball-on-a-cup form -- after which it was given permanently to the winning team. It retained the Walter A. Brown title until the 1984 NBA Finals, when the hardware was renamed to honor former NBA commissioner Larry O'Brien.

The big letdown: Just like in 1963, the Celtics had to survive a seven-game scare from Wilt Chamberlain -- now a member of the Philadelphia 76ers -- in order to make it to the NBA Finals. Game 7 of that divisional series was the famous "Havlicek stole the ball!" game, which of course has been immortalized in league history. With that classic series as the buildup, the 5-game Finals was sort of a disappointment. It was kind of like going to Olive Garden and filling up on breadsticks and then not really being able to enjoy your fettuccini alfredo. And seriously, that stuff is not good heated up.

Fun fact: Go back and watch the film. John Havlicek only tipped the ball; Sam Jones retrieved it and dribbled out the clock. So, technically speaking, Sam -- and not John -- stole it. But Johnny Most didn't scream "Sam stole the ball," so people still think Havlicek stole it in the same way some people think Christopher Columbus discovered the atomic bomb.

Injuries: Part of the reason that the Finals were so lopsided was that the Lakers didn't have Elgin Baylor. Poor Elg severely injured his knee in Game 1 of the Western Division Finals against the Baltimore Bullets. As Baylor put it: "I went up for a shot and my knee exploded. I could hear a crack and a pop and everything else." It was a devastating injury, and it left L.A. badly undermanned. Bummer, huh? Baylor rehabbed the hell out of his knee and -- against all odds -- was back in purple and gold the very next season...but he was never the same player.

The original Bruce Bowen: The Celtics obliterated the Lakers in Game 1, 142-110. And for the most part, that was because K.C. Jones put the clamps on Jerry West. K.C. held Mr. Clutch to one basket in the first quarter and stole the ball from him five times in the first half. West finished with a mortal 26 points. But Lakers coach Fred Shaus thought Jones' defense was a little too touchy-feely, and he was still crying foul years later. Said Shaus: "K.C. Jones used to tackle West rather than let him get off a jump shot." (Of course, West went off for 45 in Game 2 and 43 in Game 3, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say the officials protected The Logo from K.C.'s football tactics.)

Lakers fans: In a show of true Hollywood class and style, the L.A. crowd bombed Red Auerbach with cigars after the Lakers pulled off a 126-105 victory in Game 3. But it was better the cigars than what they really wanted to use: Bricks.

Oh, the humanity: The Celtics finished off the Lakers in a Game 5 mercy killing. Only without the "mercy" part. At one point, Boston went on a 20-0 run and eventually won 129-96. And it left William Felton Russell feeling strangely depressed. "We were not just beating this team. We were destroying it. It was my worst moment in sports. There was the horror of destruction, not the joy of winning. We knew -- and did not know -- we sensed, and did not completely comprehend, that we had taken sports out of the realm of the game." Uhm, okay, Mr. Russell. Whatever you say.

Satch Sanders, quote machine: Satch said it best when he said, simply that: "We were just kickin' ass and takin' names."

Red Auerbach: Tommy "Gun" Heinsohn had announced that he would retire after the 1964-65 season, his ninth in the league, in order to take a full-time position at the insurance company for which he worked during the offseason (Heinsohn claimed later that he made more money selling insurance than he did playing basketball.) For reasons known only to himself, Auerbach barely played Heinsohn in the final game, even though the Celtics were in control the entire way. Near the end of the game, he casually asked Heinsohn if he wanted back in -- as if he was doing the guy a favor -- and Tommy said "no." The incident stung Heinsohn's pride (and I'm guessing Red didn't get any Tommy Points that night), but it also epitomized Auerbach's philosophy as a coach and as a person: Winning is everything; sentiment is nothing.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, and The Rivalry by John Taylor.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

This is Part 2 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. It's a decent sequel, I think. Not quite Ghostbusters II, but close. Wait...I should probably rethink that comparison...

1963 NBA Finals

Getting it wrong, Part I: In march of 1963, some big, throbbing brain at Sports Illustrated ensured himself a place in the Stupid Quotes Hall of Fame when he wrote that: "The Boston Celtics are an old team. Tired blood courses through their varicose veins." Which was a pretty off-the-wall viewpoint considering the five-time champions finished the season with the best record in the league (58-22) -- five games better than the second-place Lakers.

Oh, and those old, tired legs ran up 118.8 PPG (third in the league) while allowing only 111.6 PPG (second in the league). And their point differential (7.2) was easily tops in the NBA. What's more, seven players averaged in double-figures and Bill Russell was the league MVP for the third straight season. So I think the real issue was simply that SI -- and probably a lot of other people -- were tired of watching the Celtics win year after year after year.

Fun fact: It wasn't just the sports writers and their opponents who were getting tired of Boston's wining ways; their fans were too! Regular-season attendance dropped to 6,800 per game, which means there were about 8,000 empty seats in the Boston Garden every night. Wow. I guess back in the 60s, winning just wasn't enough. Ah, if only Bill Russell had been white.

Bob Cousy, quote machine. The Cooz appeared on The Mike Wallace Show and Wallace asked him how he dealt with playoff pressure. Cousy said, completely seriously, "Well, I go to the toilet much more often." Well, at least he was properly hydrated.

Bold predictions, Part I: Red Auerbach and his victory cigar made a lot of enemies back in the day. Oh, and the fact that he and his team spent the better part of a decade and a half kicking everybody's ass didn't win him many friends, either. A rival coach once had this to say about the cigar-smoking curmudgeon: "At first I didn't like Red Auerbach. But in time I grew to hate him."

Hate never daunted Red, though. He fed off of it. Well, that and the blood of his enemies. And the man had no fear -- except for grizzly bears, and who can blame him? -- which is probably why he gave the Lakers some bulletin board material after the Celtics won Game 4 in L.A. to take a 3-1 series lead. Said Auerbach: "We've never lost three games in a row."

That's the kind of statement that would get you in trouble if you were, say, Tracy McGrady. Of course, this was Red Auerbach, so it turned out to be true. Eventually.

The Celtics in Game 5: Red's plus-sized mouth got muzzled in Game 5, which his team lost at home due to a series of unfortunate events. Tommy Heinsohn got himself ejected. Bob Cousy fouled out after scoring only 12 points. And the Celtics had no defensive answers for Elgin Baylor (43 points) and Jerry West (32 points) as Los Angeles kept their playoff hearts beating with a 126-119 victory.

Getting it wrong, Part II: The media was as obsessed with Boston's composite age as Marilyn Monroe's suicide and the Cuban Missle Crisis. (Yes, those events happened during the 1962-63 season. Wild, huh?) After the rotten egg the Celtics had laid in Game 5, everybody was predicting the crusty leprechauns would disintegrate into dust under the Lakers' youthful feet. Good call, collective media!

Fun fact: I guess "old age" meant something completely different in the 60s. Sure, The Cooz was 34, but Sam Jones (29), Heinsohn (28) and Bill Russell (28) were all in their primes, and the Celtics even had a young crackerjack rookie named John Havlicek (22) on the team. As Cousy put it: "We are not the oldest men alive."

Bold predictions, Part II: With the media carving the letters on his team's tombstone, Bill Russell openly scoffed at the notion that the Lakers had taken control of the series and were going to overtake his Celtics. Said Russell: "No. Los Angeles is not going to do any such thing." That's a pretty ballsy thing to say, and he backed it up. But still.

Lakers fans: Man, those dudes were a combustible bunch even in the 1960s. Prior to Game 6, a 5,000-person horde descended on the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena to buy playoff tickets. When they found there weren't any available, the "fans" transformed into an angry, yelling mob. The situation fell just short of the pitchfork-and-torches treatment only after the Lakers offered to show the game on closed-circuit TV for $2.50 per person. So much for The Age of Aquarius, huh?

Jerry West: The Logo missed the final seven weeks of the regular season due to a hamstring injury, and it certainly limited his effectiveness in the playoffs. But his hammy wasn't to blame for his biggest boner of the of Game 7: With 2:48 remaining and the Lakers down only two points, West tried to force a pass to Rudy LaRusso. The pass was stolen by Tommy Heinsohn, who took it the other way for an easy bucket. That play killed the Lakers momentum and all but broke their will. A couple minutes later, Cousy dribbled out the clock on a 112-109 win and another Celtics championship. I'm guessing that's one pass Mr. Clutch would like to have back.

Red Auerbach, quote machine: In honor of Lakers owner Bob Short and the team's successful move to The City of Angels, the NBA staged the 1963 All-Star Game in Los Angeles. The day of the game, Short held a luncheon that featured plenty of back-patting and glad-handing, as well as a program that proclaimed L.A. to be the "Basketball Capital of the World." Too bad for Short that he had invited Red to speak at the event, right after Lakers coach Fred Shaus. And this is what Red had to say: "I suppose you people expect me to make some more nice chitchat like Shaus. You're a bunch of bushers. That goes for the club, the fans, and all the writers." Red held up the program and continued: "I come here today, and I see this -- it's ridiculous! What do you people think this is? Win a couple championships first, then talk about being the basketball capital of the world. Right now, the basketball capital is Boston. And it's gonna stay in Boston for a long time!"

It was against that backdrop that, after the Celtics finished off the Lakers in Game 6, Red said to the press: "Please tell me some of these stories about Los Angeles being the basketball capital of the world." Ah, Red...always the gracious winner.

Bill Russell, quote machine: While not quite as acerbic as his feisty coach, Russ made his own subtle dig to the assembled media: "It's nice to be playing with the old pros. The old, old pros."

Party pooping: After winning their fifth straight title -- and sixth in seven years -- the Celtics didn't break out beer or champagne. In fact, it would have taken an electron microscope to even find a trace of emotion in the Boston locker room, despite the fact that Cooz had played his final game. Said Heinsohn: "Why celebrate? We've won five in a row." Added Havlicek (years later): "We won, and I think people expected us to win. We had a breakup dinner, and we were gone within a day or two."

Wordiosity: While the Celtics were pretty ho-hum about their latest title, the Boston media wasn't. Grantland Rice, the great sports writer/poet, wrote the following: "With a farewell performance of supreme virtuosity, Cooz, the Magnificent, had led his Boston Celtics to a fifth straight championship. Thus did the Celtic captain complete his playing days on the triumphant note he deserved, still a champion among champions." Jeez, Grantland. If you wanted to sleep with The Cooz so badly, you could have just tried asking him.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, and The Rivalry by John Taylor.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers faced off in the NBA Finals in 1962, 1963, 1965, 1966, 1968, 1969, 1984, 1985 and 1987. That's nine times, which is the same number of Friday the 13th movies that were made before the one where Jason Voorhees was frozen, launched into outer space, and transformed from a zombie serial killer into a zombie-android serial killer. Coincidence? I think not.

The Celtics were 7-2 in those championship series, although the Lakers won the last two. Those showdowns were filled with many classic moments, as well as some not-so-classic moments. I think you know which ones I'm going to talk about.

The 1962 NBA Finals

Wishful thinking: Even though they were four-time champions, Fred Shaus -- whose Lakers had already qualified for the final round -- had been rooting for the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals. Why? Said Shaus: "In all honesty, we had no post game." In other words, Shaus and the Lakers felt more confident in facing Bill Russell in the pivot than Wilt Chamberlain...even though The Stilt had never, you know, won a championship. Guess that goes to show, once again, that you should be very, very careful what you wish for.

The Boston fans: By the time they made it to the 1962 Finals, the Celtics had already won three straight titles and four out of five. Not too shabby, eh? That '62 team averaged 121.1 PPG, compiled the best record in the league (60-20), and had just finished an exciting seven-game series against the monstrous Wilt Chamberlain and his Philadelphia Warriors in the Eastern Conference Finals. But not even all that couldn't draw the Beantowners to the Boston Garden for the championship round. Only 7,617 fans showed up for Game 1. For a little perspective, that was barely more than half of the Garden's 14,890 capacity. And there were plenty of empty seats available throughout the series.

Homecourt disadvantage: In retrospect, maybe the Boston fans knew what they were doing. Boston lost Games 2 and 5 at home, and the Lakers lost Games 4 and 6 at the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena. BASIC MATH ALERT!! That means the home teams were 3-4 in this series.

Fun fact: Game 6 of the '62 Finals was one of the Lakers most heartbreaking playoff losses ever. With a chance to win it all at home, the Lakers built a 10-point halftime lead before getting overwhelmed in the second half and losing 119-105. Game 7 in Boston? Yeah, that didn't go their way either...

Jim Krebs: Krebs was a 6'8" bruiser who was known for, well, bruising people. And then some. In his autobiography Go Up For Glory, Bill Russell said: "Jim Krebs was known in the league as man who was willing to go beyond the rules in getting his man." Krebs lived down to to his reputation in the Finals, breaking K.C. Jones' nose with an "errant" elbow.

Sam Jones: Sam had a Game 3 he'd probably rather forget. (And I'm sure all those championships worked better than a labotomy.) Not only did he get abused by Jerry West, who scored four points in the final minute to tie the game at 115-all, Sam threw a bad pass -- intended for Bob Cousy -- with four seconds left that was stolen by West. Mr. Clutch laid it in at the buzzer, giving the Lakers a 117-115 win and a 2-1 series lead. There was only one problem...

Clock mismanagement, Part I: Red Auerbach freaked out after Game 3 and insisted afterward that it was impossible for West to dribble 30 feet and score with only three seconds left. The Lakers' bench had thought it was impossible too; L.A.'s reserves were screaming their heads off for West to pull up and shoot. But West knew what he was doing. Just ask him. "I had deflected the ball on the run. I knew I would have enough time, because I knew what the shot clock was. Quite often I'm surprised today that more young players don't pay attention to the shot clock." Uh huh.

Boston's Game 5 defense: In 1962, the Celtics had the best defense in the league (111.9 PPG), but that didn't keep them from getting shelled in Game 5 at home. Not only did the Lakers put up 126 points, Elgin Baylor took a 61-point dump in the Celtics' championship stew. That, by the way, is an NBA Finals record that still stands. Now watch Elg make those leprechauns look silly.


Satch Sanders, quote machine: He was Boston's "defensive specialist," and he had been responsible for guarding Baylor in Game 5 and throughout the series. Word has it, he's never been able to grow any more facial hair after Baylor singed it off on that warm summer night in '62. Said Saunders: "Elgin was just a machine."

Sam Jones: He was The 17-foot Assassin before David West was even a twinkle in his mother's eye. Bill Russell often referred to Jones as "the best shooter in the world." This was not the case in Game 7, when Sam went 1-for-10 from the floor.

Satch Sanders, Tommy Heinsohn, and Jungle Jim Loscutoff: All three of these guys got fouled out by Elgin Baylor in Game 7 (Elg finished with 39 points). That, obviously, left Boston a little short-handed when the game went to overtime. Which, as it ended up, didn't matter. But still.

The "Almost" Shot: The Lakers had possession of the ball with five seconds left in regulation. The game was tied. Fred Shaus designed a play with Baylor as the first option, West as the second option, and "whoever else was open" as the third option. Since Baylor and West were both covered tightly, Rod Hundley passed the ball to Frank Selvy, who was open on the baseline about eight feet from the basket. His defender, Bob Cousy, had gambled for a quick double-team on West. Selvy took a shot that he supposedly hit "eight out of 10 times"...and missed.

Said Selvy: "I had to get it off fast. I sort of hurried it, but I thought it was going in. I get the blame for missing that shot, but I don't think that was the ballgame."

Clock mismanagement, Part II: Years later, Red Auerbach was still righteously pissed off because of what he saw as a clock error that gave the Lakers an unfair chance at winning the game in regulation. "We were cheated. The timer froze. There were three seconds left to go. They took it out at midcourt and threw it to a guy a midcourt. He took a bounce, then he threw it all the way into the corner. Now that goddamn thing is three seconds there. Selvy takes the ball and goes up for as hot and misses it. The rebound goes in the air and the clock still hadn't gone off. Baylor got the rebound and put it up and missed it. It was more than Selvy's shot."

Sour grapes: The Lakers literally missed their chance to dethrone the Celtics and win their first championship since moving to L.A. And afterward, Baylor lamented some Derek Fisher-esque no-calls. "Selvy thought Bob Cousy fouled him. I thought Cousy fouled him. He took the shot from a spot where he was very proficient. Cousy said he never fouled him. I was in a position to get the offensive rebound. But somebody behind me shoved me out of bounds right into the referee. There was no foul call there, either. I looked around and saw Russell and Sam Jones behind me."

Fun fact: Apparently, Baylor eventually obtained a copy of the game's film and confirmed that Jones had indeed shoved him out of bounds, away from the rebound. Jones later admitted pushing him.

Sources: NBA.com, Wikipedia, Basketball-reference.com, Ever Green by Dan Shaughnessy, and The Rivalry by John Taylor.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Worst of Celtics-Lakers

I'm not just glad that the Celtics beat the Pistons because I'm a Celtics fan. I'm glad the Celtics beat the Pistons because it allows me to complain about officiating without being accused of Boston homerism, as I was when I complained that the Celtics/Hawks series shouldn't have gone seven games.

Win or lose, I am genuinely dumbfounded by the state of NBA officiating. Apparently, the NBA is dumbounded as well - the league is so confident that NBA officials can't make calls on their own that they will institute fines for flopping. Now, sure, I suppose I'm pleased that action is being taken, but think about it - if the league had any confidence in its officials, wouldn't they simply instruct officials to punish flopping? Instead, they have chosen to outright circumvent their incompetent referees and defer to "in-game observers at the arenas and video reviewers" to assess this theatrical baffoonery.

HUH?

We're not talking about fighting, where league officials need to review tape to determine how to punish a player for something done outside the bounds of the game itself...this is, in fact, the game itself. If players are flopping, and those flops are determining the outcomes of games, shouldn't officials be competent enough to call a flop on the spot? If they can't, then fire them and find officials who can.

What I'm most frustrated about is this - here we are on the verge of a potentially historically great NBA finals, and my enjoyment may be sidetracked by referees screwing it up. Hell, even in Game 6 of Celts/Pistons, when Rasheed Wallace went to the bench for a phantom foul on Kevin Garnett (after which he tossed the towel at the camera), I was actually feeling for him. I hate Rasheed Wallace - don't like him one bit - and yet I felt his pain. And if you watched close, you could see it in the eyes of every critical player on the court and on the bench - they were completely dumbfounded by the calls being made. This expression has become far, far too common in this league - and is no longer attributable just to players who "whine" and "cheat."

Get used to seeing that confused expression in these finals - beyond just an inability to distinguish flops from fouls and acting from reality, NBA officials now get to deal with the most polarizing and seductively theatrical player - Kobe Bryant - on the biggest stage. In a June Sports Illustrated article, a teammate says Kobe considers himself "an expert at fouling without getting called for it." Kobe is also arguably the premier expert at getting fouls called against defenders as well.

Quotes like these about Kobe would not be so disturbing were the state of officiating in the NBA not so poor. Kobe will do his act, and Pierce will do his best to mimick it. Refs will be easily lulled into thinking they've seen fouls they didn't see - and phantom calls will go both ways.

So will the NBA Finals be determined by which team puts on a better show? Is it really just about acting? I certainly hope not, because that will only add to my resentment if the Celtics lose, and it will, in my estimation, detract from their victory if they win.



"And heretofore shall I be acting as I approacheth the rim and 'taketh it to the hole.' And so shall Mister Pierce doeth what he can to followeth in my footsteps. And so shall flopping be the order of the day until such time as the league taketh my money for it. And so shall I decree that these tights are sheer and form-fitting and comfy, and thusly I will wear one upon my shooting arm whilst I play."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Lakers, NBA Finals, officiating