It seems like so long ago since Devin boldly (and stupidly)proclaimed: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."
Today's pic courtesy of Shayan from Mediocre Forever.

The New Jersey Nets: The Nets had the faintly-beating heart violently ripped out of the chest of their postseason hopes by last night's 107-78 HOME LOSS to the Milwaukee Bucks. I put "home loss" in all caps there to not only highlight the fact that the Nets were blown out by 29 points at home in a must-win game against a team that began the night 12 games below .500, but also because the defeat dropped them to 15-22 at the Izod Center this season. That gives them the second-worst home record in the Eastern Conference, ahead of only -- you guessed it! -- the Washington Wizards Generals. The Nets are now 19-36 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." John Hollinger's playoff odds now give them a 0.2 percent chance of making it to the second season.

Bonus bawful! The Nets shot 26-for-70 (37 percent), missed 10 free throws and finished with more turnovers (16) than assists (15). Oh, and those turnovers led to 21 bonus points for the Bucks. Furthermore, the game was never close: The Bucks went on an 18-0 run in the final 4:51 of the first quarter to take a 32-13 lead that was the mathemological equivalent of "Game Over." New Jersey has lost five in a row and nine of its last 11 games and 17 of 23 overall. Plus, they lost to a team that has itself won only five of its last 10 games. PLAYOFF RUN FAIL.

Even more bonus bawful! From the AP game recap: "The Nets futility was never more evident than early in the third quarter when Bucks center Dan Gadzuric stole the ball from Trenton Hassell under the Milwaukee basket, dribbled behind his back and dunked."

Devin Harris and Vince Carter: The dual rudders of this ship that be sinking combined to score 19 points on 6-for-22 from the field. And their combined fouls/turnovers (10) barely surpassed their total rebounds/assists (11).

The Miami Heat: They kept it close, thanks mostly to Dwyane Wade's 42-point performance, but the Heat still dropped a home game to the Magic on the night of Alonzo Mourning's jersey retirement ceremony. That cut Miami's lead over the Sixers for the fifth seed to a single game. But it gets worse: Backup point guard Luther Head broke his left hand during the game and will miss four to six weeks...which essentially means he's a scratch for the playoffs. Fun fact: The Magic have now won 12 of their last 13 matchups against the Heat.

J.J. Redick: Basketbawful reader Kaan -- who is one letter away from having the world's most awesome name (Khan or Kahn) -- said: "Hey I think J.J. Redick deserves a special WOTN award for this. He is a free soul you know. Boundaries cannot limit him. From the AP recap: 'Redick turned the ball over twice because he stood out of bounds while receiving passes for what would’ve been wide-open jumpers.'"

Superfluous and mildly deceptive stats: From the AP: "Dwight Howard scored 22 points and grabbed 18 rebounds, passing Wilt Chamberlain as the youngest NBA player to reach the 5,000-board mark. ... Howard reached the 5,000-rebound mark—he now has 5,006 -- at the age of 23 years, 112 days. Chamberlain was 25 years, 128 days old when he got his 5,000th rebound." What the writer conspicuously failed to mention was that Wilt was 23 years, 65 days old on the day of his very first NBA game...only 57 days younger than Dwight is RIGHT NOW. So, sorry, Howard may be today's Basketball Superman, but Wilt was yesterday's Basketball God.

The New York Knicks: More great defense (the Jazz shot almost 55 percent), more great ball-handling (the Knicks committed 20 turnovers for 32 points going the other way), and the 14th loss in the last 20 games. Also, the Knicks blocked 2 shots, putting their season total at 175...a full 38 behind last season's "Worst Ever For An 82-Game Season" total. Which begs the question: How did the Knicks dump Zach Randolph and become a WORSE shot-blocking team? That's like dumping your guild's "Leeroy Jenkins" and then running face-first into MORE hopeless, team-crushing battles.

And then there was...

Al Harrington: So sayeth the AP: "Al Harrington scored 24 to lead the Knicks before getting ejected with two technicals for arguing a foul call with 22 seconds left. The Knicks were down six before Harrington's tirade allowed Korver to put away the game with two free throws for the technical fouls." And mind you, those techs were called AFTER he had committed an offensive foul. Coupled with his bizarre antics against the Clippers and it seems like dude has gone straight up crazy.

The Golden State Warriors: No Stephen Jackson (scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his left big toe), Andris Biedrins (sprained left ankle), Corey Maggette (head contusion), Marco Belinelli (right ankle) or Brandan Wright (left shoulder). Ronny Turiaf fouled out after being called for back-to-back fouls in a 2-second span. The Warriors coughed up a 9-point fourth-quarter lead to lose 114-109 to the Memphis Grizzlies, a team that, prior to this season, they had beaten seven straight times. But last night, the Griz administered their first season sweep of the Golden Staters since 2005-06. Note also the Memphis scored 114 points (on 50 percent shooting) after being held to 66 in Portland on Saturday night. Said Don Nelson: "I'm not going to take questions because I don't want to get fined. We missed a lot of shots in the fourth quarter and they made a lot of free throws, and that's all I have to say."

Corey Maggette: Wait, what...head contusion?! Really?! According to FreeMD: "A person with a head contusion has a bruise to the head." So "Bad Porn" sat out with a bruised head? You know what that means...EPIC DOUBLE-FACEPALM.


Lacktion report: The final race to the playoffs has not in any ray reduced Chris's laction workload:

Magic-Heat: Luther Head smartly spent 9:36 on the court tonight accruing a suck differential of +5 via two bricks (one from downtown), one giveaway and two fouls.

Bucks-Nets: Damon Jones has amped up his anti-game since being left off of the All-Lacktion roster, earning a +3 in 6:08 by tossing a brick from downtown, giving the rock up once, and taking a foul.

Grizzlies-Warriors: Marco Belinelli paid tribute to a fellow Italian who is well known in the video gaming community, notching a 15-second Mario for Don Nelson's squad.

The Steel Soundtrack: From Dan B: "The other day I was browsing the bargain CDs at Half Price Book & Music Exchange. (You know it's the bargain rack when the first CD you see is Creed). And what did I see plastered above it? Yep, Shaq in a goofy-ass metal outfit. (What his picture is doing hanging out next to Joni Mitchell, I don't know.)"


My favorite part is, if you look really closely, the top of the CD says: "Music From And Inspired By The Motion Picture." As someone who was unfortunate enough to actually SEE this particular motion picture, I can assure you that the only thing it will inspire is projectile vomiting.

Update! From Wild Yams: "Ah yes, the Steel Soundtrack. I too saw that movie, and I have to say it's way up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I don't think Judd Nelson's career ever recovered after that. Speaking of Shaq's musical career, from time to time I like to go check and see what his CDs are selling for over on Amazon because it's always good for a laugh. I see now that they've all been discontinued by the manufacturer, but you can still purchase them used; and they are priced to move, with none of them selling for more than $3, and with most of them going for one penny (yes, you read that right)."

What I find most amazing is that Shaq even released The Best of Shaquille O'Neal. And if the following review isn't proof that Shaq is, in fact, writing his own Amazon.com reviews, I don't know what would be: "As my thesis for my doctorate in Music Theory, I found this album to be a priceless treasure in the history of music. Never have so many lives been touched and so many artists influenced by such a piece of work. 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Wu Tang all owe a debt to Shaq, the master of form and function. His arrangement of the notes and the Fu-Schnickens are incredible! He is on level with every (and I mean EVERY) classical genius in my studies." The best part: The reviewer, one blackmosesi2, supposedly hails from Salt Lake City. And I'm pretty sure it's against the law to play Shaq's music there.

The new Guitar Hero commercial: Just what I've always wanted to see: Bobby Knight in his underwear. I will now procure a spork and jam it without hesitation directly into my eyes. An exceedingly sarcastic and bitter "thanks" goes out to Evil Ted and AnacondaHL, who (presumably unintentionally) conspired to force this horror upon me not once but twice.


Todd MacCulloch, pinball wizard: Possibly the most depressing "Where Are They Now?" segment I have ever seen, and that includes the one in which Meat Loaf looked like an old, fat lesbian. Seriously, if he'd been wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and singing something by the Indigo Girls, I would not have known it was Meat Loaf. The only Paradise by the Dashboard Lights he's seeing these days is the MoonPie he picked up at the Shell Station.

ANYway...here's the clip, from Chris via Can't Stop The Bleeding. Key quote: "I had some free time and found myself playing a lot of pinball and thinking, 'I must be sick, there must be something wrong with me, 'cause this is all I really wanna do...and it wasn't until later I realized I wasn't alone." And he's not. But, as you can see, sometimes being alone is the right choice.

Update! According to AnacondaHL: "That could have only been worse if we found some washed-up NBA player at a Magic The Gathering tournament, or playing Pixie Hollow competitively, or cosplaying the new Queen's Blade at some anime convention." Or maybe playing Pokemon with a group of 10-year-old kids he doesn't even know. But that really is about it.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Todd just to tell him "Pinball sux" and then sent him a copy of the Steel Soundtrack.

Labels: Al Harrington, Corey Maggette, deceptive stats, Devin Harris, fan submissions, Golden State Warriors, J.J. Redick, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Vince Carter, Worst of the Night

I'm blatantly stealing this from theangryt.com and their list of the worst sports related video games of all time, but this is too good not to post here, as this is definitely the height of Basketbawfulness. Before today I'd never even heard of four of these games (Shaq-Fu being the lone exception, cause who hasn't heard of that?), but these games have everything. From crime fighting using a basketball, to playing basketball in the future using robots, to using "neo-shekels" to purchase "relics from the days of b-ball" like a Reebok sweatband, these games left no basketball stone unturned. These all come from an era in sports marketing thankfully forgotten (or sorely missed for the unintentional comedy, you decide), in which sports stars would allow their names to be attached to horrendous video games, even if they had little to do with their sport. Since I've never played any of these, here are the five worst NBA video games, in no particular order:

Shaq-Fu - We're probably all somewhat familiar with this one: a bad Street Fighter II rip-off in which Shaq goes mano-a-mano using his "Shaq-Fu" to kill one baddie at a time. From the Wikipedia page for the game: "In the game's storyline, O'Neal wanders into a kung fu dojo while heading to a heavily emphasized charity basketball game in Tokyo, Japan. There, he stumbles into another dimension, where he is forced to rescue a young boy named Nezu from the evil mummy Sett-Ra." Also from the Wikipedia page: "Shaq Fu is often cited as one of the worst video games of all time." Hey, if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true, and that's why it's included here.



Slam City with Scottie Pippen - Unfortunately I can't find any clips of the actual game being played, there's just the below video of the game's intro which bears an awful lot of resemblance to the opening credits to In Living Color, complete with the Fly Girls. Wikipedia points out the following about this game: "A unique highlight in Scottie Pippen's career is that he himself performed the theme song for the game."



Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball - I really wish I could have been there when they came up with the idea for this game, cause whatever they were smoking was clearly some good stuff. Here's the setting: "The game predicts a science-fiction version of the year 2030 in which there are only robot basketball players (excluding Bill Laimbeer). Basketball teams play in gruelling league matches where new players are bought and sold (like in the Premier League of English soccer). Within this future, basketball uses a dedicated robot to perform the toss up at the start of each match as referees had been fired by Bill Laimbeer sometime prior to the year 2030. As a result, players now wear armor to their games and weapons are thrown from the audience." So the idea for the game is that Bill Laimbeer effectively killed basketball? Odd he'd want to attach his name to such a game.



Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden - And you thought the premise of the last game was weird? Check this out: "The game takes place in a post-cyberpocalyptic New York called 'Neo New York', after a 'chaos dunk' causes the death of millions.

Twelve years prior to the game, Charles Barkley, in an attempt to impress his son Hoopz Barkley, performs a Chaos Dunk -- and inadvertently kills almost everyone present. As a result, basketball was made illegal and nearly all great players were killed in 'The Great B-Ball Purge of 2041' (a.k.a 'B-Ballnacht').

In 2053, another Chaos Dunk rocks Manhattan, killing fifteen million, and the blame falls on Charles, who is believed to be the only human capable of performing the Chaos Dunk. With the help of the Ultimate Hellbane, Charles escapes his pursuers: the B-Ball Removal Department, led by ex-NBA all-star Michael Jordan. Charles follows Ultimate Hellbane through the B-Ball Catacombs to the tomb of LeBron James, discovering that the Ultimate Hellbane is actually Balthios - the Octoroon great grandson of LeBron James. James contacts Charles from the B-ball dimension, offering him a warning which tells him to 'seek the Cyberdwarf.'"

And that's just the beginning. The plot summary goes on forever and just gets weirder and weirder. Here's a look at the game play:



Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City - Fairly pedestrian in comparison to that last game, this one simply featured Jordan roaming the streets of Chicago using a basketball to fight crime. Here's the full description: "The game played much like other 2D platformers of its time, collecting keys and defeating enemies with a variety of different techniques. The player controls Michael Jordan on a quest to save the rest of the players for an All-Star charity game, who have all been kidnapped. The player attacks enemies using different basketballs, each with its own ability; for example, the freeze ball can freeze the ground and create a slippery surface, the bomb ball makes a large explosion, and so on. The player must find keys throughout the game to unlock different doors and rescue teammates. Michael can also slam dunk for a secondary attack. This is also used to activate powerup baskets and various checkpoints along the way." Note that like Shaq-Fu, this game makes sure to mention a charity basketball game. I'm guessing the inclusion of said charity games was a stipulation for allowing the game makers to use Jordan's and Shaq's names on these games.

The Philadelphia 76ers: I suppose that their playoff spot is reasonably secure, owing to the fact that they're in the East and the teams behind them are at least as incompetent as they are...if not more so. Maybe that's why they shambled through the first half of their home game against the Bobcats like Romero-style zombies. Through the first two quarters, the Sixers shot 36 percent, got outrebounded 27-12 and fell behind by 50-33 by the halftime buzzer (thanks in no large part to that brutal 10-point second quarter). They made a run, of course. Who doesn't? But it was too little, too late, and I couldn't help but think: Wasn't this the team that was supposed to challenge Boston for supremacy over the Eastern Conference this season? Oh well. At least they have four more years (and $66 million) worth of Elton Brand!

The Milwaukee Bucks: Their 110-94 drubbing in Orlando was Milwaukee's fourth straight loss, and it put them four games behind both Chicago and Detroit for the East's final playoff spot with nine games left. Translation: They're postseason hopes are deader than the main villain in a Steven Segal movie. Speaking of which, according to his official Web site, Segal is "an accomplished actor, musician, martial artist, and philanthropist." In the Philanthropy section, Segal says he feels that "the world that has been bestowed upon us -- natural beauty and gifts from our land." It's hard to imagine something so hippie coming out of the mouth of somebody who's best known for ripping out the spine of opposing martial artists in mortal combat.

J.J. Redick, quote machine: Marcin Gortat put an exlamation point on Orlando's victory over the Bucks by throwing down an alley-oop from Redick in the fourth quarter, leading J.J. to quip: "I'm surprised he jumped. He's been known to jump as high as a phone book on dunk attempts."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: After their 112-96 blowout loss to the Raptors in Toronto, the Thunder fell to 2-5 since Kevin Durant returned from injury. This, of course, followed a stretch in which they had gone 5-2 without him. I understand they've had some hard games, but still.

The New Orleans Hornets and James Posey: HoopBlah explains:

James Posey's performance Friday night in MSG against the New York D'Antoni's was nothing short of WotW worthy.

In the midst of digging themselves from a seven-point halftime lead into a 12-point hole, the Hornets' 6th man decided to take over the game by putting the ball in his own hands...then, chucking it in the general vicinity of referee Gary Zielinski's NBA-issue, um, black shoes.

The Auto Parts King whistled him for a loose ball foul, prompting "Pose" to execute the toss. He was then tossed on just one technical, which is itself deserving of an honorary Voskuhl.

Al Harrington thinks that's a boneheaded play.

The Hornets folded in the 4th, and Posey drew a 1-game suspension, meaning he misses Sunday's game vs. the Spurs.

Perhaps even better than the ejection was Posey's explanation for the tantrum: the old "if-I-had-shot-him-he'd-be-dead" defense.

"It was a bounce pass that hit his foot that came back to me," Posey said. "It goes on a lot at games, guys giving the ball back to the ref, and like I said, if I was to throw it at him, I think I've got better aim than that."

Really? So it wasn't Posey who shot 4-for-29 from 3-point land in his last 8 games, and 15-for-57 overall? I suppose I could be mistaking him for a number of players on the Hornets' sucktastic bench.

It's great to see this gritty, tough-nosed, 2-time NBA champion keep his composure for a struggling squad, especially with two injured starters (Stojakovic and Chandler), don't you think?

I do think. Hey, remember, it was the Basketbawful gang that started this "Posey sucks!" chant at the United Center a few years back. Anyway, check out the video and you'll see that, unless you spent the weekend playing Whac-A-Mole with your head, Posey's "bounce pass that hit his foot" excuse falls right below "Forest Gump" on the retarded scale.


Nate Robinson versus Chris Paul: Not exactly Rocky versus Drago. Heck, it's not even Austin Powers versus Mini Me.


Memo to Nate and Chris: Leave being tough guys to the tough guys.

Nate Robinson, cliche machine: After the Knicks beat the Hornets, Krypto-Nate said: "Both teams played hard." Otherwise known as Basketball Post-game Cliche Number 17, right between "We believe in ourselves" and "This MVP award belongs to the whole team."

LeBron James, huge, flapping vajayjay, Part I: Jason "Seldom Used" Collins had the gall to lay his dirty, mortal hands on King James, and King James doesn't like that: "It was borderline dirty. That's not part of the game. Hard fouls are a part of the game. That was a little bit overboard. Was he going for the ball? No. Was he trying to get in a position to take a charge? No. He was making sure I had nothing to do with a basketball play." In related news, LeBron plans to donate his eggs to a local fertility clinic. Here's the video:


OH MY GOD THAT'S SO HORRIBLE. Can we throw Collins into some sort of maximum security prison alongside villains like Dr. Doom, the Joker and all those AIG execs who got the huge bonuses? Of course, Collins had a few words to say in his own defense: "He was a little off balance when he was driving to the basket and I was just trying to wrap him up so he wasn't going to explode to the rim like he normally does for a dunk or a layup or an and one. He just fell awkwardly." Added Wolves coach Kevin "I miss the days when I could clothesline Kurt Rambis" McHale: "Most flagrant fouls, usually the fall determines kind of whether or not (a flagrant foul is called). It looked like he crumbled pretty hard." Crumbled pretty hard? I like it.

The New Jersey Nets: According to the AP recap, Kobe "tossed up an air ball with his first shot, sprained his right ankle and finished 5-for-19 from the field." That didn't prevent the Nets from dropping their third game in a row and falling even further out of playoff contention. They are now 19-34 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." Current standing: 12th in the East.

The New Jersey fans: Another fickle home crowd brought out the "M-V-P" chant for Kobe Bryant, despite the lousy shooting. But I guess after a few years of watching Vince Carter, 5-for-19 probably does seem MVP chant-worthy.

The Atlanta Hawks: They Dirty Birds followed up their 10-point home loss to the Tim Duncan-less Spurs with a 99-93 home loss to the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics, who were also without Leon Powe, Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine. And who plucked their feathers? Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who scored 19 points and matched a career-high by pulling down 12 boards. Plus he bumped and banged and beat people for loose balls...you know, all the stuff that it takes to, you know, win games. Said Hawks coach Mike Woodson: "Glen Davis was huge tonight, and we had nothing to stop him. I don't think that beat us, but the hustle in itself did. They banged a little harder than we did and they hustled a lot harder than we did."

The Hawks have now lost three of four, with those losses coming against the Crabs, Spurs and Celtics, the last two of which (as I mentioned) happened in Atlanta.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Baron Davis was out (flu-like symptoms!) and then Marcus Camby sprained his ankle early in the first quarter. (X-rays were negative, but of course he's expected to miss the next one to two weeks.) So the Clippers immediately went into "They Are Who We Thought They Were" mode, falling behind by 20 in the first quarter, 24 in the second and 27 in the third when Gregg Popovich started clearing the bench. Said Mike Dunleavy: "They just make shots at such a high percentage. They always seem to find the open guy." Better put that one in your playbook, coach. Fun fact: The Spurs lead their all-time series with The Other L.A. Team 107-28. Ouch.

Reality check: The Clippers rank 29th out of 30 in salary, ahead of only the Grizzlies.

The Sacramento Kings: An 18-point home loss to the Memphis Grizzlies. It was the Baby Bears' first victory in Sacramento in 11 years. Somebody needs to go to Tom Ziller's house and remove all prescription medication and any sharp objects, just to be safe.

Lactivity report: Chris spent his Friday tracking lacktion for you. Remember: Tips aren't required, but they are appreciated.

Bucks-Magic: Tyronn Lue was released from the humidor tonight for a 2:58 stint as human victory cigar, and gave Shaq's Least Favorite Coach In The History Of The Universe a suck differential of +2 via block against and brick. He wasn't the only marginally productive member of the Magic, as Tony Battie's singular assist in 15:43 could not circumvent a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:2 (fouls against two boards and two bricks).

Bobcats-Sixers: Charlotte's Cartier Martin charted a comatose course through the court tonight, tossing a brick from downtown for a +1 suck differential in 3:51. Donyell Marshall gave the Sixers a +2 in 3:18 via a missed three and a foul.

Wolves-Cavs: Tarence Kinsey sharpened his claws tonight and scratched off a 1.25 trillion ticket for the Crabs, continuing to build up his reputation as a first-name basis lacktator in the same vein as Jake and Mario!

Lakers-Nets: While Josh Powell filled 4:50 with a +3 comprised of a foul, giveaway, and brick (also good for a 2:0 Voskuhl), the real story on the Lakers bench was Phil Jackson's latest human victory cigar, Shannon Brown. Apparently Mr. Brown wanted win his way to Samus Aran's heart, as he blasted out a 15-second Mario.

Meanwhile, Chris Douglas-Roberts has become the only player of note on the Vinsomniac Nets, spending 4:52 on the court by giving up the ball twice and fouling once for a +3.

Celtics-Hawks: Solomon Jones wisely added to his savings account tonight with a 5.3 trillion.

Clippers-Spurs: Marcus Camby is not credited with a near-three trillion, due to injury.

Nuggets-Mavs: Yay, Johan Petro got starting time, 12:20 to be exact. So he promptly tried to be productive with a block and a board. That's nice - but five fouls, one giveaway, and one brick later...he ended up with a rather vehement Voskuhl of 6:1! Petro's teammate Renaldo Balkman bought into his role as George Karl's lacktator of the evening, going +3 in 11:51 through fouls (and nothing else).

The Washington Wizards Generals: Agent Zero was back! Unfortunately, the only thing that changed for the Wizards Generals was that Agent Zero was back. They still lost at home to the Pistons to maintain their conference-worst record. But at least there was some drama to their inevitable defeat. As the AP recap put it: "With the Washington Wizards trailing by two and 4.5 seconds remaining, Gilbert Arenas missed a free throw but chased down the rebound. He whirled in the corner -- rushing himself a bit, to be honest -- and put up a three-pointer that could have won the game against the Detroit Pistons. Alas, the ball barely made it out of his hands. Former Wizards flop Kwame Brown, of all people, blocked the shot. Agent Zero threw up his hands asking for a foul as he landed on his rump, but he knew that the official had made the correct no-call. The comeback game would end without his perfect ending." Feel free to watch Dr. Brown's ego-ectomy of Arenas. The train wreck begins at the 2:07 mark.


Eddy Curry: E-House is back! If you consider 1 rebound and 3 fouls in two minutes and 20 seconds of lacktion "back." More lolz from the AP recap: "[The Knicks] got little from center Eddy Curry in his return. Coach Mike D'Antoni said he wanted to have Curry, a disappointment with the Knicks, play his first game away from the pressure of Madison Square Garden. But Curry appeared a long way from game shape, lumbering up the floor and getting called for three fouls in two second-quarter minutes. That included shoving Okafor to the floor to prevent a layup after getting beat down the court." Man, I've missed him.

Mike D'Antoni, dramatic understatement machine: Regarding Chicken Curry's not-so-fab return to lacktion: "There's no way two or three half practices that after a year you can come in and everybody has played a whole season at the top of their game he'll be able to contribute. He's not superhuman." Oh, thanks for that observation, Mike. 'Cause, see, I thought Eddy flew in for the game after arm-wrestling the Hulk into submission.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Their surge to the playoffs continued with a 102-85 loss to the Heat in Miami, their fifth straight defeat and the eighth in their last 10 games. I now regret wasting that Steven Segal reference on them in Friday's entry.

Anna Kournikova: According to the Bucks-Heat recap: "Retired tennis star Anna Kournikova was among those in the crowd." I love that her greatest individual accomplishment was being named ESPN's "Hottest Female Athlete" in 2002 and yet she'll forever be known as "tennis star Anna Kournikova." Meanwhile, no one will call me "El Conquistador" just because the Spanish already conquered the Aztec Empire hundreds of years ago. How's that fair?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Do you supposed that the Associated Press keeps a mad-lib-style headline prepared for all Clippers games? Something like "[Insert player name] leads [Insert team name] to easy win over Clippers"? Sounds about right, I think. So Saturday's headline was "Yao leads Rockets to easy win over Clippers." Mike Dunleavy, whom I'm convinced has turned his coaching duties over to a random cliche generator, said: "Houston gives themselves a chance to win every night because they are good defensively and they rebound. They have a good mix of players and it should be a good formula for playoff basketball." Somebody run this guy through a metal detector, quick. He's not human. Random fact: The Clips have lost 11 of their last 12 road games.

The Phoenix Suns: Captain James T. Kirk once said: "I take it the odds are against us and the situation is grim. Sounds like fun." Shortly after saying that, the good captain died. Such, it seems, is the fate of the 2008-09 Phoenix Suns, who dropped 104-99 overtime decision to the Jazz in Utah. The Suns actually rallied back from a 21-point third quarter deficit, but that only highlights the fact that they fell behind by 21 points in a must-win game. I'm telling you right now: Phoenix has no chance of making the playoffs this season. I don't care what John Hollinger says: Their playoff odds are officially zero.

The Memphis Grizzlies: They followed up their blowout win in Sacramento by scoring only 66 points -- their lowest point total of the season -- in a blowout loss to the Trail Blazers in Portland. But, like I said above, they do have the lowest payroll in the Association, so cut 'em some slack. The Grizz have have lost 10 of their last 12 games.

Lacktivity report: Chris comes through again. Remember what I said about the tips.

Pacers-Bulls: Maceo Baston took a brush and basted his 2:26 of lacktivity with a buttery missed field goal and giveaway for a +2 suck differential.

And while not scoring a Voskuhl or any lacktivity tonight, Roy Hibbert's four-rejection performance is reminiscent of the experience most awkward teenagers deal with in high school before the Christmas dance.

Knicks-Bobcats: Eddy Curry tried to spice up his 2:20 with a rebound, only to find himself scoring a 3:1 Voskuhl via fouls!

On the home team's end of things, Larry Brown got to light up two human victory cigars tonight. Juwan Howard took a foul for a +1 in 2:12, while Cartier Martin traveled through the Mushroom Kingdom during his 21 second Mario!

Bucks-Heat: Damon Jones' ability to lack it up in the playoffs is well documented, but he hasn't been as consistent in non-contribution during the regular season. But at Miami, he bricked twice from downtown in 3:17 for a +2. Fellow Milwaukee baller Francisco Elson keyed up a bit of a Voskuhl in 15:07, going 4:3 (three fouls and a giveaway against one field goal and one rebound).

Yakhouba Diawara was firmly attached to the bench tonight, forcing the Heat to seek out new sources of somnambulance. Chris Quinn had one mighty turnover for a +1 in 2:16.

Clippers-Rockets: James White had a non-descript +1 in 4:29 via brick.

Warriors-Nuggets: Stephen Jackson reloaded his financial arsenal with a 1.7 trillion.

Mark Cuban: Not only did he have $250,000 siphoned out of his wallet for blasting NBA officials via Twitter, he then Twittered about his Twitter-related fines. According to his Twitter feed, "can't say no one makes money from twitter now. the nba does" and "how much fun would it be if it could twitter whatever i wanted during mavs game. Fun, but expensive :)." Yes, that's a smiley face emoticon.

Oh, and if you want to waste some time you'll never get back and go through Mark's recent Twittercisms, you'll see him get into a little dispute with NBA FanHouse and Red's Army over whether they have the right to quote his public Twittering. Only Mark Cuban could broadcast his thoughts to the world and then get grumpy when the world quotes him.

On the bright side, Mark won't be facing an additional fines, considering his team couldn't blame the officiating for today's loss...

The Dallas Mavericks: After building a 15-point lead in the fist half, the Mavericks went on to...lose by 28?! Yup. And that was Cleveland's largest margin of victory in 56 games. The Mavs were apparently replaced by traffic cones in Dallas jerseys a second-quarter timeout, because Dallas got outscored 30-11 in the third quarter, 55-25 in the second half and -- waaaaaaait for it -- 82-39 after the 10:13 mark of the second quarter. Epic offensive fail.


Jason Kidd: Basketbawful reader Anfernee pointed out this little gem: "Jason Kidd, who missed Dallas' previous game with a sore back, had nine points, eight assists and seven rebounds. Kidd also volunteered to guard James, his U.S. Olympic teammate, in the first half and later wondered if it was a bad idea. 'He almost had a triple-double in the first half, so I don't know how much that worked,' Kidd said." Epic defensive fail.


Rick Carlisle: He let an aging point guard with an ailing back guard LeBron freaking James because said point guard volunteered to do it. Epic coaching fail.


LeBron James, huge, flapping vajayjay, Part II: The mighty King Crab, who routinely rumbles through defenders the way a bowling ball would rip through toilet paper, got dropped by a collision with official Derek Richardson. And while Richardson popped right back up...LeBron -- who's 6'8" and weighs at least 260 pounds -- spent some quality time on the hardwood with the wind knocked out of him. Watch:


Said the Crab Dribbler: "I just lost my breath. It don't matter how big you are, if somebody catches you and you're running full speed like that ... I just stayed down and tried to catch my breath." Ahem.

The Chicago Bulls: Typically, it's a bad sign when you're trying to hold onto a playoff spot and the second-worst team in your shoots 54 percent and (according to the game recap) sets a new franchise record for points in a game. Oh, and Jose Calderon had a career-high 19 assists, marking the second time in as many games the Bulls surrendered a career-high. (Pacers rookie Brandon Rush set a personal best with 29 points against them on Saturday.)

Vinny Del Negro, Four-star General Obvious: From Shayan of Mediocre Forever: "Okay, so here's the situation: Bulls up by one in overtime, with 29 seconds to play. Bosh drives in, misses his lay-up attempt, but is the first one off the ground and tips in his own miss, getting fouled at the same time. Converts the free throw, Raps up by 2 with 15 seconds to go. It ended up being the game-winning play, and Vinny Del Negro offered this insight after the game: 'That three-point play was really a big, big play.'" That sound you just heard was the Dull-Negro meter EXPLODING.

Terrell Owens: Everybody's favorite NFL cancer was courtside for the Bulls-Raptors game. He somehow snuck in a giant bag of popcorn and -- this was so totally awesome -- had it confiscated by a female usher, who couldn't have cared less who T.O. was. Nameless Toronto Raptors usher lady, you are my new hero. Bonus fun: Watch this video of Hitler's reaction to the Bills picking up the T.O. tab.

The Los Angeles Lakers: It's not like the Hawks were on fire or anything -- they scored 86 points on 39 percent shooting. It's just that the Lakers were worse: 76 points, 35 percent field goal "accuracy" and as many turnovers as assists (14). It was L.A.'s lowest-scoring game of the season. Pau Gasol, the only Laker who could see the rim (7-for-10), said: "I don't know exactly why we're so out of whack and why we were missing so much. It was just a weird game, not recognizing how to attack them when they were switching." It might have had something to do with...

Kobe Bryant: Mamba followed up his 14-point, 5-for-19 performance against the Nets with a 17-point, 7-for-19 stinker against the Hawks. You can blame a gimpy ankle and an upset tummy for transforming Mr. MVP into Vince Carter.

The New Jersey Nets: Just when you thought the Nets couldn't possibly sink any lower, they fall 108-99 at home to...the Minnesota Timberwolves, who began the day losers of seven of their last seven games. That's like dying three times on world 1-1 of the original Super Mario Bros. Said Vince Carter: "It's just unacceptable. We feel like we're very capable of being in the playoffs and this was an opportunity to jump start us into accomplishing that and, you know, we took a step back." Added Lawrence Frank: "It's just very, very disappointing, obviously knowing what's at stake, that we couldn't put forth a better defensive effort than what we did." New Jersey is now 19-35 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." Current standing: 12th in the East, five games out of eighth.

Mark Madsen: From the AP game notes: "Wolves F Mark Madsen got some rare early action in the first period, but picked up three fouls in less than 2 minutes and quickly returned to the bench." Way to take advantage of the PT, Mark.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: They capped a winless weekend with their second straight blowout loss, this time a 103-84 defeat to the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics in Boston. That makes them 2-6 since Kevin Durant -- who shot 6-for-15 and finished with more fouls (4) and turnovers (2) than rebounds (2) and assists (2) -- returned from injury. Oh, and for the record, KD also lit a fire under Glen Davis. Durant delivered a Karl Malone-style elbow smash that opened up a 10-stitch gash in Baby's head. Davis returned to score 15 points in the final 10 minutes as the Celtics ran away with the game.

Doc Rivers, quote machine: Regarding Baby's post-injury scoring explosion: "I'm going to have somebody knock some sense into him, like they did. Clearly, once they hit him he was a different person. So, either someone else on the other team, or I'm going to carry a hammer around."

Paul Pierce, quote machine: Regarding Baby's injury itself: "Baby's a bleeder. I don't know what's going on with him. I just know that if we ever get into it, I know where to hit him."

Gilbert Arenas, bad prediction machine: Remember how Mr. Zero claimed that pre-season knee surgery was no big deal and then proceeded to miss most of the season? Yeah. Well, this is what Gil had to say after Kwame freaking Brown stuffed his return on Saturday: "I'm going to think about that the whole way to Indiana. I should've called a timeout, or I should've just drove the lane off the rebound, but that's what happened. We've got to live with it. ... Just had a mental block." Yeah, well, Arenas got a little extra time to think about it when Wizards Generals coach Ed Tapscott held him out of Sunday's game against the Pacers so Gilber could "allow his surgically repaired left knee more time to rest." More time?! Hasn't he had, like, 73 games to rest it?

The Washington Wizards Generals: As an aside, the Wizards Generals lost 124-115 to the Pacers in Indy. They bonked 9 free throws in the 9-point loss. Oh, and according to the AP game notes: "Washington has the second-worst record in the NBA and is the only Eastern Conference team already eliminated from playoff contention."

The San Antonio Spurs: So...Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili were all playing AND they limited the struggling Hornets to 37 percent shooting...and lost anyway? Yeah, well, that's yet another reason I just don't feel very good about San Antonio's chances in the playoffs. By the way, the ending to this game was a little crazy. The Hornets were up by 7 with about 30 seconds left when the Spurs hit a couple threes (by Manu and Michael Finley), the second of which was set up off a Hornets TO off a busted inbounds play. That put New Orleans up by only a point. Chris Paul knew the Spurs were going to have to foul him, so he launched a three as Ginobili delivered the hit so he could get three FTs instead of two. CP3 made all three 'throws with 7.1 seconds left and that was the game. Said David West: "He told the ref before, like, 'Look man, I'm going to shoot the ball if they come in and foul me.' It's a tricky play to make, but he knows how to be in the act of shooting when those guys are coming to make sure he gets those extra free throws."

The Phoenix Suns: They lost a must-win game to the worst team in the league. Let me repeat that for effect, using all caps: THEY LOST A MUST-WIN GAME TO THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. That's...that's like dying three times at the first Goomba by falling into the first hole in world 1-1 of the original Super Mario Bros. What. The. Hell. Said Steve Nash: "There's some emotional hangover (with Utah loss) and we're tired, but we've still got to dig down and find a way to get it done. No disrespect for that young team, but we weren't playing the Lakers or the Celtics. We laid an egg, it was very frustrating."

The Suns' Season.Thanks to Wild Yams for that link.

Shaq: From Clifton: "The Great Shaq-ovic went 6-for-15 at the charity stripe vs. the Kings tonight as the Suns lost by 8. I guess they 'didn't matter' tonight. Now, I know the complete and utter lack of defense by the Suns didn't help, but I, as I'm sure Bawful will be as well, am just sayin'. Captcha: 'splat.' No, I'm not kidding. That's also the sound the Suns' faint playoff hopes made tonight."

Lactivity report: Chris continues his labors, despite the lack of tips. (Hint, hint.)

Lakers-Hawks: Solomon Jones continues his keen decision making for Atlanta with a 2.25 trillion!

Nets-Wolves: Mark Madsen got a not-so-Madsen-level Voskuhl of 4:0 in 3:17 via three fouls and a giveaway! And with the lack of shot attempts or boards, this was also good for a +4 suck differential.

He wasn't the only member of McFail's Navy to sink against the currents of contribution, as Jason Collins put up one of the aforementioned Madsen-level Voskuhls in 23:07 -- a ratio of 6:5 via three fouls and three giveaways against two made field goals and a board.

Sixers-Pistons: Donyell Marshall scored a brick from downtown as well as a foul for +2 in 3:24.

Wizards-Pacers: Josh McRoberts earned a King Koopa action figure in his happy meal tonight, garnering a 23-second Mario.

Spurs-Hornets: Kurt Thomas had three rebounds and a steal in 17:25, only to negate that with a particularly large Voskuhl of 6:3 via five fouls, one giveaway and a brick. Also commemorating bad big man play was Melvin Ely, spending 2:23 on the floor with a brick and foul for a 2:0 Voskuhl, good enough for a +2 suck differential as well.

Suns-Kings: As the Suns fail to take advantage of the Mavs' recent slump - losing in the California capitol of bad basketball - Alando Tucker baked two bricks, once from the Denny's at J and Third Streets, for a +2 in 4:13. And Robin Lopez has responded to his non-selection to the All-Lacktion Team with well-executed avoidance of clutch play, earning a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 via brick, foul, and rejection. This also notched him a +3 in 2:44.

Calvin Booth was dialed in tonight for the purple paupers with three fouls in 4:21, enough to give him a 3:1 Voskuhl against one solitary board.

Tax cheats: Year after year, I feel like a schmuck for filing an honest tax return, especially when I read stories like the one about the lady who tried to deduct a tricked-out hot tub with "underwater speakers, mood lighting and an in-tub stereo" for medical reasons. Then there was the lady who donated $40,000 worth of her ex-husband's worldly belongings -- otherwise known as "everything he owned" -- and then wrote it off without getting audited. And I happen to know about a guy who makes around $80K per year playing online poker and declares exactly $0 of it. I can only hope that something large and violent rises from the sea and eats these people.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Today's Bawful will feature the power of statistical analysis. And this is the Internet, so you can't always do the same schtick over and over, unless your schtick is consistency, something like that. Or I felt like drinking rather than Photoshopping the Suns sucking, even though I was supposed to be doing this post to cover for Bawful so he could get drun-I mean, I was generously offered the opportunity to guest post. Anyways, lets get this stat party started.

Google, stat of the night: 58,100. Just as we made Basketbawful the top Google search result for "potato suck race", I wanted to add more to the legend that is this blog. Until I actually tried a query of "sweet suckteen", and you probably don't need me to tell you, but the 58K+ results are Not At All Safe For Work.

The Detroit Pistons, stats of the night: 12, 13, 20, 36. Sure a blowout loss by a "fighting for an Eastern playoff spot" team with their key players still missing to the "perennially crowned to go to the finals for the West" team may be understandable. But wow. A 12-point 1st and a 13-point 3rd, and a 20-0 Lakers run led to a 92-77 loss. And what is '36'? Was it Kobe's point total for the game? (No, Kobe had only 30 points, along with 8 boards and 7 assists). It's the COMBINED points scored by all 5 'Stions's starters. Includes a non-revenge game by starting center Kwame Brown (4 pts, 8 reb).

Tayshaun Prince, stat of the night: -37. The "poor man's Shawn Marion" somehow managed a whooping +/- of -37 in a 15-point loss! How is this even possible? This has to be some sort of record for the season.

Walter Sharpe, stat of the night: 3. A fabulous debut, Sharpe contributed to Detroit's woes with a +3 suck differential. However, 3 actually refers to the distance in inches missed right of the ENTIRE basket, where the first free throw attempt of his career fell tonight.

The Miami Heat, stats of the night: 100, 6, 5, 30:46. Dwayne Wade recorded his 100th block of the season early in the game, a notable milestone since no other NBA player 6'4" or shorter had ever done it prior. With the officiating double trouble of #12 V. Palmer and #43 D. Crawford, I set the non-call foul blocks over-under at +6. Sadly, or completely logically, 6 actually refers to Miami's new standing in the East, as the Bulls rocked them 106-87. A bawful total of 5 Heat bench players went scoreless during not just a few trillion minutes, but for 30:46 total of playing time.

Los Bulls, stats of the night: 7, 3, 1. Not much I could mention here that won't be on By The Horns, other than the forced awkwardness of "Latin Night" that makes me cringe like shoving los cuernos de toro en mi cabeza. However, they benefit from the bawful of others, as Detroit's aforementioned loss pushes them to the 7 seed, otherwise known as "not crab food". They held The Drain to 3 rebounds (contrast: Ben Gordon had 4). And one Derrick Rose, unintentional sex machine quote machine: "I got hit a few times, but you rub that stuff off and I will have time to recover.” I need a cigarette just swooning over his rookie talent.

Joakim Noah's free throw shooting, stat of the night: 87º. TNT gave us a nice close-up view as he shot two flagrant 1 freebies, courtesy of a Magloire/Wade double team garbage time smother. No need to mention how much contact was made by each Heat player, or who the flagrant was charged on. Anyhoo, he made them both, despite a recent observation of his shooting form, which involves spinning the ball axially like a top, which by my observations was approximately 87 degrees off from where the axis should be. This easily explains his 63.7% FT shooting this season (66.7% career), yet he's still far behind Shaq's shotput and Shawn Marion's flip-flick wrist as the worst looking shots in the NBA. UPDATE!: Reader Axel Foley points out an egregious omission by me: Chuck Hayes as a strong 2nd place candidate, who makes Charles Barkley's golf swing look smooth.

Phoenix's Zone Defense, stat of the night: -20. So it's a good thing to start a game strong, maybe establish your defense like the Suns setting the tone at the beginning of this game. And of course, any Suns fan seeing defensive effort will take what they're given. But against a team that's 1st in the league in offensive rebounds (12.9) and 7th in 3pt% (37.9%), why would you play a scheme that so easily gives these away? The Suns's arrogant lack of adjustment was justified, since they were about -20% more effective at stopping the screen anyways, leading to a -20 point differential.

Matt Barnes, stat of the night: 1. The "poor man's Tayshaun Prince" submitted another 1-for-8 FG performance, littering his past 7 games with inconsistency. Perhaps if we played him some inspirational music, like "Eye of the Tiger", he could have an eye-opening revalation and see the situation more clearly. I'm wondering if a cyclops could help the team at this point, regardless of depth perception issues.

Play by Play bonus: End of the 3rd Quarter (some text may have been adjusted by the author):

:28.9 PHO - J. Richardson defensive rebound
:12 PHO - Confused players still passing the ball around
:09 PHO - J. Richardson receives pass, facepalms incompetent bench players, attempts to create shot off the dribble
:06.5 PHO - Offensive foul on J. Richardson
:01.7 POR - R. Fernandez makes a 6-foot FULL SPEED ABSURD fade away jumper in the lane. Assist: S. Rodriguez
:00.4 PHO - J. Richardson lobs ball lazily to midcourt for G. Dragic, morale of the Suns clearly broken
:00.4 POR - R. Fernandez steals the ball from J. Richardson
:00.1 POR - R. Fernandez makes a 25-foot three-pointer from the right wing
:00.0 End of 3rd Quarter
:00.0 PHO - Forced to stick their hands into the steaming pile of crap to retrieve their gameplan for another quarter

Shaq vs Pryzbilla, stat of the night: 2. Apparently, tonight revealed the 2nd drama altercation involving Shaq stuffing a basketball in the Vanilla Godzilla's face (sorry, this poor video is the only one I could find of the first incident, even though they repeatedly showed it on TNT last night). Sir Charles mentions that "Vanilla Gorilla" would be scary if he played on a good team. Double iceburn.

Horrible incompetent officiating, stat of the night: ∞. #28 T. Nunez Jr., #17 J. Crawford, #36 D. Jones. Any sportswriter that's not completely tired of pointing out the NBA's officiating problem must have the stamina of a rhino.

TNT, stat of the night: 5. The number of hilariously awkward jail jokes and Photoshops made by the studio on the night. I've never seen Sir Charles so speechless, that's good late night television.

University of Arizona, inflated stats of the night: 100%, 100%, 25.5, 21.3. Alumns Jerryd Bayless and Channing Frye got to showcase their skills against their home state's pro team, both shooting perfect from the field with 25.5 pts/48min and 21.3 pts/48min, respectively, and Frye clocking a 21.3 blocks/48min rate as well. Such an outburst in performance must portend well for tomorrow's Madness with possibly the most hated Cinderella team in the history of the tournament.

Stretching for Portland jokes, stat of the night: 3. It's been 3 years since someone compiled the NBA Live 06 Ha Seung Jin remix, so because Portland looked so damn good dismantling the Suns, and we're all sick of Oden health and age jokes, let us re-live this most awesome video of The Blazers's favorite Korean baller (I only brought this up because I was really hoping someone did this same thing only with NBA2K9 and Zach Randolph):


Kobe Bryant, stat of the night: .250. Potentially the percentage chance that a Bryant household maid was abused for the night, but alas it represents Mamba's updated game-winning shot percentage, compared to the league average .298. Other fun numbers include his league-leading 42 misses in 56 tries, far more than Vince Carter (35) and JJ/LeBron (33), and league-leading 5 turnovers. And then he ate a baby seal.

Lacktion report, stat of the night: 1. Chris was feeling some sweet lacktations...

Lakers-Pistons: Shannon Brown has reached the Tao of Finance with a two trillion! Meanwhile, Detroit's Walter Sharpe edged off or away from the rim three times -- once from downtown, twice from the charity stripe -- for a suck differential of +3 in 2:35.

Heat-Bulls: This critical battle between two borderline playoff teams featured extensive challenges of lacktivity from both squads. For Miami, James Jones missed two shots (once from behind the arc) and fouled three times for a +5 in 8:00 flat, while Chris Quinn (1.5 trilion) and All-Lacktion selection Yakhouba Diawara (1.3 trillion) have protected themselves from the economic crisis. And Jamaal Magloire's three rebounds and steal in 10:24 were countered with a brick, a giveway, and three fouls for a Madsen-level 4:3 Voskuhl.

The Notorious VDN actually had another opportunity to unleash human victory cigars tonight, having Linton Johnson snag a +1 via brick in 1:31.

Suns-Blazers: Sure, Joel Pryzbilla made a shot and even had an assist and steal in his 28:01 as Portland's starting big man. But with no further shot attempts and only one rebound, he ended up with a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl via three fouls and a giveaway!

About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, drop their chances lower and lower to make the '09 playoffs. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, Googling questionably NSFW phrases, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover a completely un-theorized particle of quantum physics (and would obviously name it after myself, not something stupid like Y(4140)), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: fan submissions, Ha Seung Jin, Phoenix Suns, sweet suckteen

McFarlane Toys provides some of the best action figures available to people who like to collect tiny, plastic versions of their favorite superheros, movie monsters and/or pro athletes. But I got a pretty hearty chuckle out of this offering from their NBA 2009 (Series 16) line...available in April: Zach Randolph in his New York Knicks uniform.


Sadly, this amazing lacktion figure doesn't come with a prop teammate and/or opponent for Toy-Bo to punch, nor does it come with a three-point arc from behind which your Lacktion Zach could chuck up countless imaginary, buzzer-beating airballs. And while the face isn't nearly round or doughy enough, I will admit that the tiny manikin is virtually indistinguishable from the real Zach on defense: Stiff and unmoving.

Other great lacktion figures in Series 16 include Knee-Mac (apparently diving for a loose ball), Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (in his Craptors uni), and a LeBron James figure in which King Crab looks like he's squatting in apparent preparation for an emergency bowel evacuation. In fact, the product description says: "LBJ's fifth figure offers a completely unique pose -- with LeBron taking a moment during a timeout, planning out his next move..." Move-MENT, more like.

Speaking of product descriptions, here's the one for The Drain: "An off-season trade brought him to Toronto, where he's partnered with Chris Bosh as the new 'big and bigger' duo in the NBA." ("Big and bigger"? Make that "doomed and over" and we're good.) But even better is this description for Knee-Mac's mini-me: "McGrady remains the [Rocket's] most crucial player -- and sometimes being the leader means more than dunking the ball or shooting out the lights -- sometimes it means you've gotta sacrifice your body just to keep that ball inbounds..."

I love it when the jokes just write themselves. And, once again, these babies won't be out until next month. Pre-order yours today!

Labels: action figures, Jermaine O'Neal, Lebron James, unintentional hilarity, Zach Randolph

"Hmmmmm.....You Got Served it is!!!"
Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Vanessa Bryant: According to the news: "Family housekeeper Maria Jimenez claims Bryant's wife, Vanessa, routinely harangued her -- calling her "lazy, slow, dumb, a f**king liar and f**king sh*t" -- and ordered her to stick her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a price tag for a blouse that had been thrown away with the pet poop. In a suit filed in California's Orange County Superior Court, Jimenez said the abusive Lakers wife made the disgusting demand after the maid put an expensive blouse in the washing machine. Vanessa -- who insisted Jimenez reimburse her for the frock wanted to show her how much it cost, the papers allege. When Jimenez tried to quit, Vanessa Bryant told her she 'had to work until payday to pay for the $690 blouse, which she did.'" Wow. All I have to say is that if Vanessa had just let Kobe make Luke Walton or Adam Morrison stick THEIR hands in the poop like Mamba suggested, none of this ever would have happened.

(Actually, that's not true. According to the lawsuit, Vanessa has accused Jimenez of stealing her dental retainer, and "badgered, harassed and humiliated" the housekeeper by "yelling and screaming" at her in front of Bryant, the couple's kids, and other people in the house. So I guess making her handle doggy doo was just the last straw.)

Agent Zero's retirement: Don't freak out. He's going to play basketball again...some day. What he's retiring from is blogging. You know, that thing he hasn't done since November. His reasoning: "It's just like the double-(edged) sword thing: Eventually your words is going to kill you. ... I started looking at it as, before, it was fun, and everybody has fun reading it. And then it's like everything I said, everybody started using it as firepower, instead of saying it's just entertainment. You know, people started using it, trying to take bits and pieces instead of enjoying the blog. So once I started seeing that, I just started visualizing, eventually, this is going to be the double-(edged) sword thing. It made me and it's going to kill me, so I might as well stop."

I can't quite decide what's worst here: The fact that Gil is so insecure and thin-skinned that the ham-fisted judgments that inevitably levied against high-profile public figures have caused him to give up something he so clearly loved, or that this whole knee injury cycle has seemingly sucked the fun out of the clown prince of the NBA. I mean, do we really want a quiet, introspective period out of Agent Zero?

The Miami Heat: Last night's 2-point road loss to the Pacers served to illustrate just how vulnerable this Heat team is. Basically, the can't win minus a superhuman performance from Dwyane Wade, even against conference "rival" that's 12 games below .500, missing a key player (Troy Murphy) and just killing time until the offseason. Remember the old "Incredible Hulk" TV show? Yeah, David Banner only turned into the Hulk like twice an episode. This season for Wade has been the NBA-equivalent of a 12 or 13-transformation episode. I'm not sure how radiation-induced transformations work, but Pookie probably has no choice but to let out his inner David Banner every once in a while. Speaking of which...

Dwyane Wade's shooting: He still made his usual all-around contributions (4 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals), but his misguided shooting would have made Larry Hughes wince: 5-for-24, 1-for-6 from behind the arc. Maybe he had something in his eye. Like a Buick.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain gave his former team a little taste of what they gave up: 6-for-14 shooting and only 2 rebounds in 31 minutes. Oh, and three of his shots got blocked. It's like he never left.

Jamario Moon: The Other Guy from the Toronto trade sure has cooled off lately. Last night he went 2-for-7 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Minus that 17-point game at Detroit on the 22nd, he's gone for 5, 9, 0, 6, 3 and 3 points in his last seven games.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Last night's loss to the Craptors, in which Andrea Bargnani scored a game-high 23 points on them, was another nail in the coffin of their playoff hopes. And unless they pull some serious Bela Lugosi sh*t, the following comments by Richard Jefferson might serve as the eulogy: "Right now, when we need to be playing our best basketball, our most competitive, we're not. We're playing subpar basketball at a time when teams are picking it up. Even some of the teams that might not be in the hunt are picking up their intensity and we haven't done that the last couple of weeks." The 10th place Bucks are now a full three games behind eighth place Chicago. Cue the Undertaker music.

The New Jersey Nets: They are now 19-33 since the injured Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." New Jersey is currently ranked 11th in the East, 3.5 games behind the eighth place Bulls.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader Brendan P: "Well it looks like the 2009-10 season (or the 2009 draft) started early for the Timberwolves today against Philly, starting Bobby Brown, Rodney Carney and Craig Smith. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a T-Wolves fan and these guys could be the future of the team (by the way Carney shot 7-for-8 from downtown so woo!) and they do need game experience, but to start them? Why not give them some burn off the bench? Then again, with Mike Miller's an epic failure at point guard, Sebastian Telfair's macaroni and paste ankles and Jefferson out for the season I guess I can forgive them. Bring on the season home opener??"

The Atlanta Hawks: So much for their homecourt dominance. The Spurs were missing Tim Duncan (resting his aching knees) and the newly-returned Manu Ginobili went 1-for-7 and missed all three of his triples. Didn't matter. San Antonio shot almost 55 percent as a team and Tony Parker (42 points, 18-for-25, 10 assists) destroyed any and all who daried to guard him. Said Maurice Evans: "It's disappointing because we are right there and we have lost to two elite teams in Cleveland and San Antonio. That's the true test, how you stack up against the best in the league." Indeed it is.

Update! Josh Smith: From Edgar: "I'd like to offer up a WotN nomination for Josh Smith. I was at the Hawks v. Spurs game last night and the stats don't fully explain how terrible Smoove played. It started in the first when he injured Joe Johnson's ankle (of course Woody still played Joe for 44 minutes). Later in the half, Smoove pivoted into Al Horford, resulting in one of his game-high four turnovers. After that nugget of brilliance, Smoove charged down court, hacked Tony Parker and then walked away from Mike Woodon's earful. Tony Parker tore it up last night, but it helped that Smoove failed consistently to pick up the switch in time to deny Parker from getting to the basket (though Smoove did come up with a team-high three goal-tending violations). Smoove also missed five of 11 free throws (the Spurs missed 1 as a team) and went 3-12 from the floor for 12 points. To drive the point home, with Duncan out for the Spurs, the Hawks used a small lineup at times featuring Horford, Zaza Pachulia, Flip Murray, Joe and Mike Bibby/Mario West. Zaza was only really on the court when Smoove sat on the pine. Zaza's +/- was +7. Smoove's was -14. It's a bad sign when your team plays better when Zaza Pachulia is siphoning off minutes from your $60 million power forward."

Mike Woodson, knowing who's who machine: Regarding the play of Joe Johnson, who scored a team-high 30 points: "Joe was Joe."

The New York Knicks: Remember how the Sacramento Kings pummeled them at Madison Square Garden last week? That probably would have qualified as the nadir of their season until last night's home flop against the Clippers...particularly since New York had built a 19-point lead about six minutes into the game. I'll give the Knicks this much though: They were more competitive. Offensively, anyway. But The Other L.A. team put up 140 points. And yes, I realize the game went to overtime, but still...when your defense makes the freaking Clippers look like the Suns on a good night, then something has gone very, very wrong.

By the way, the utter defenselessness of this game probably would have killed Bill Russell if he'd watched it. The Knicks shot 55 percent and the Clippers -- THE CLIPPERS!! -- shot nearly 58 percent. Defense is a choice, people. Just like murder and parachute pants. Which now that I think of it are probably bad analogies. Anyway, coach Mike 'Antoni said: "We didn't guard anybody, that's pretty obvious. Somehow, somewhere the game's got to be a little more important than just going out there and playing. We're just not there." I'm not even gonna touch that one...

Update! Al Harrington: Look, folks, sometimes I make mistakes. Today, I made a doozy, accidentally omitting Al from WotN. Fortunately, luman corrected this unforgivable gaffe: "Whoa, how could you have not mentioned ANYTHING about the bawfulness that was Al Harrington's dunk with 30 secs to go? He made a great move, got open, went up, and slammed it home with both hands for safety. 3 point lead, game in hand right? Nah. The Genius-That-Is-Al Harrington (can we make this his nick?) then proceeded to do a pull up on the rim and *possibly* slap the backboard. He argued the T vehemently, but just looking like you did something T-worthy is enough these days (Former teammate S-Jax knows this from his inexplicable T last night). Apparently he committed the same atrocity against the clips in LA a month ago, and both times the clips came back to win. Has anyone made Mike D'Antoni go to Defcon 5 more than Al?"

Basketbawful reader Karc was similarly nonplussed: "Al Harrington is a moron, a flat out moron. In the last game against the Clippers, he dunks the ball for a three-point lead with less than 30 seconds left, then gets a technical foul for hanging on the rim and slapping the backboard like the game is over. Of course, the Clippers win the game in OT. So what does Harrington do? He makes a dunk last night with less than 30 seconds left to give the Knicks another three point lead, then kicks his legs over the top of a Clipper while hanging on the rim to showoff, and is hit with ANOTHER technical foul. And again, the Clippers win in OT. It's just too funny, that a professional basketball player gets the same technical foul in the same scenario against the same team twice. And this one wasn't like a frustration thing where he got hit in the face. He was trying to show off and do a pullup on the damn rim, and just happened to go over a Clipper. If he had done that in the open court, he still would have been T'ed up. What an idiot."

And, finally, DDC provided "photographic evidence of Al's bawfulry":


Zach Randolph, delusions of grandeur machine: Regarding his escape from New York: "I don’t know why they traded me. I didn't understand it, but it's a business, you know. I feel like I'm one of the best power forwards, underrated power forwards in the league, too." Oh, I can think of a few reasons why they traded you, Zach. In related news, Randolph currently has 14 blocks on the season. To put this into perspective for you, Sebastian Telfair and Steve Nash both have 10, Sasha Pavlovic has 16, Kirk Hinrich has 17, Jason Terry has 18, and Ben Gordon has 21. See where I'm going with this?

Basketbawful Yiping wrote in to add his two cents: "Someone's really got to show Mr Zach 'I'm one of the best power forwards' Randolph those video clips that you have posted of him launching those threes. Apparently he is now as good as Duncan, Nowitzki and Garnett." Yeah, but hey, you've gotta give him points for believing in himself. I mean, did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply Whitney Houston had 4 number one singles on it? Did you know that, Yiping? It's hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but "The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really. And it's beautifully stated on the album. [/Patrick Bateman]

Update! Basketbawful reader Victor commented: "Oh it gets better. Zach Randolph says he's better than Chris Bosh. From this article."

Randolph laughed when I asked him if he felt the Knicks made a mistake in trading him away.

"Yeah," he said with a big smile beaming. "It was definitely a mistake."

But the decision was an obvious one. The Knicks wanted to dump Randolph's contract off the 2010-11 payroll (and also moved Jamal Crawford that day) to make room for a big play in free agency in 2010. The LeBronathon has lost some steam since then, but Randolph says he thinks it could happen.

"It's gonna be interesting," he said.

If they wind up with LeBron, Zach says he can understand moving him. But Chris Bosh?

"I'm better than Chris Bosh," he said.

Told that line will make headlines, Zach gave a dismissive wave and said, "I'd tell him to his face."

Them's some mighty big words there, Z-Bo. And they might contain a small kernal of truth if NBA players weren't also expected to play defense during the course of a game.

The Los Angeles Clippers: I received a link to this frightening news from Basketbawful reader Mark L. in an email titled "oh dear god." From ESPN: "Isiah Thomas is actively seeking work again, and he spoke several weeks ago with Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling in a meeting arranged by current coach/general manager Mike Dunleavy, ESPN.com learned Wednesday. Several NBA sources confirmed the February meeting between the former president and general manager of the New York Knicks, adding that there were follow-up discussions between Thomas and other high-ranking club officials -- but also stressing that no job has been offered.
Discussions between former Knicks GM Isiah Thomas and the Los Angeles Clippers were described by one source as informal yet substantive. Sterling is said to be considering adding another executive to the Los Angeles front office to alleviate some of Dunleavy's responsibilities in his dual role as coach and general manager. Former Lakers and Grizzlies general manager Jerry West was linked to a possible Clippers front office job before he publicly disavowed any interest."

A marriage of Zeke and the Clippers? Urivaled terror. As Basketbawful reader jhaig said: "That's gotta be up there with that time the Ghostbusters had to cross the streams in terms of threats to the very fabric of our Universe."

Doc Rivers: He essentially conceded the game -- and second place in the Eastern Conference -- to the Magic by limiting Kevin Garnett to 16 minutes and 31 seconds. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce's minutes continue to climb. He's logged 40+ minutes in six out of 13 games this month, and he's played 37+ four other times. So it's great that KG will be all springtime fresh for the playoffs, but poor Paul is going to be a withered husk.

And seriously, you're telling me that Garnett couldn't have played an extra five minutes down the stretch? I get that Doc wants KG healthy for the playoffs. I do, and to a certain extent, I support trying to keep his minutes down. But this is a little farcical. If Kevin's not ready to play 20 minutes in a really important game, then maybe he shouldn't be playing at all.

Stan Van Grumpy, grump machine: He's gone after Shaq for flopping. He crucified the Knicks for not throwing Patrick Chewing a coaching bone. Now he's going after the press for discussing Boston's injury problems: "I want to know how some teams get on the list, where they get excuses and other teams are not on that list. All I've been hearing about is all the injury problems the Celtics have had this year." Seems Van Grumpy is a tad bitter about how nobody is giving him and his team props for trudging on sans Jameer Nelson. And it's a fair point. But it would have sounded better if Stan wasn't such a front runner. I hate those guys.

Update! Bobcats-Wizards: Man, I blew another one. But Andrei had my back:

I know that this is a mega post already, but I just wanted to point out the sequence that occurred at the end of the Bobcats-Wizards game.

With 1:23 left in the game the Wiz were up 4 and looking to wrap up the game. The Wizards secure an offensive rebound and promptly turn the ball over and foul Raymond Felton. With the possibility of closing the gap to 2 points, Raymond bricks both free throws and the Wiz call time out.

The Wizards then can't carry out a simple inbound play and turn the ball over. The Bobcats are feeling generous and give the ball right back. What is the next play you ask? Mike James manages to catch the inbound pass and dribbles into a double team resulting in a turnover.

The Bobcats call a time out and once play resumes get a miss match of Nick Young (a guard) guarding Boris Diaw (a forward), the end result as you can guess is that Young stuffs Diaw's jump hook, retrieves the ball and gets fouled. Young hits both free throws and the Wiz are up 6.

The Wiz are now in control and just need to not foul and hit free throws to secure their 17th win. What do they do? They foul DJ Augustin and he hits both free throws, 4 point game. Washington calls time out and advances the ball to half court.

After discussing strategy (one would hope) in the huddle, the Wizards turn the ball over on the inbound play (that's the 3rd time in less than 2 minutes). The Bobcats score and it's 2 point game. The Wizards promptly turn the ball over again.

The Bobcats do not want the Wiz's charity and Gerald Wallace misses a lay-up. The Wizards can finally put the game out of reach by making 2 free throws with 13 seconds left. The veteran Antawn Jamison steps to the line and calmly bricks one of the two to keep Charlotte in the game down by just 3.

Coming out the timeout Gerald Wallace drives to the hoop, if he doesn't get fouled and scores it's a one point game with 6 seconds left and the Wizards almost assured of a win. Wallace gets hit by Dominic McGuire in mid air and makes the hoop, giving himself the chance to tie the game with the coming free throw. At this point I knew that there was no way in hell he was going to hit that shot and something spectacularly awful was going to happen.

Wallace takes his time and sets up at the free throw line...he doinks it hard off the back of the rim. The Wizards can't secure the rebound and the ball gets volleyballed around until Emeka Okeafor gets the ball and misses a tough layup. Of course no one bothered to block out Diaw and he comes flying untouched to retrieve the ball in mid air. Instead of hitting the game winning put back from point blank range, the frenchman airballs his layup attempt. The Wiz get the ball with .3 seconds left and Jamison misses the second free throw on purpose and the game is over.

That was the worst 1:23 of basketball I have ever seen, it took me hours to clean up the vomit from my couch after watching this gut churning Bawfulness.

I'd also like to give a little extra wag of the finger to the 'Cats, who supposedly are fighting for that last playoff spot. You don't make the postseason by losing to the worst team in your conference during the stretch run.

The New Orleans Hornets: Last night's 101-88 home loss to the Nuggets was, to me, symptomatic of a larger problem: The Hornets just aren't playing that well. And don't give me that "But they just had a three-game winning streak" crap. They beat the Timberwolves, Grizzlies and Warriors. That's like three extra practices, nothing more. And yes, I know Tyson Chandler is out -- I guess he wasn't as healthy as we thought -- but the team has so little depth that I'm starting to get that smoke-and-mirrors feeling. Chris Paul is amazing, yes, and David West is a stud, no doubt. Chandler is pretty good when he's able to lace 'em up. Past that? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, right, Peja Stojakovic used to be on this team, too. But he's been out 11 straight games...and it feels more like 20+. I don't think it's their year.

The Golden State Warriors: Let's see...they gave up 128 points on nearly 60 percent shooting in a loss to the Mavericks in Dallas. Yep. The Warriors have officially acheived "They Are Who We Thought They Were" status. Said Stephen Jackson: "It was one of those tough nights. We didn't get calls, things were going their way, our defense was terrible. They stayed on it the whole game and we were never able to get back." He probably could have just said "our defense was terrible" and left it at that.

The Utah Jazz: From Basketbawful reader DKH: "I'm filing a worst-of nomination for the Utah Jazz: for their clutch ability to give up fast break points to the Suns. On three consecutive possessions, the Suns got easy plays at the basket off fast breaks (J-Rich boned a dunk, though). That wouldn't be so bad, except that Shaq beat the entire Jazz team down the court for a fast break dunk. This came at the end of the game, when the Suns were making me incredibly tense every time they went into a half court set. They almost never got it into Shaq. Instead it'd be some isolation for a wing player. Amazingly, the wing player (Hill against Korver and Barnes against Brewer) would make the basket, but it wasn't pretty."

In all fairness to the Jazz, they looked a little gassed at the end of the game, probably because of the previous night's win over the Rockets, which I guess makes that victory a little Pyrrhic. Note that they also went 16-for-27 at the line. Said Jerry Sloan: "And when you shoot free throws like that in a game like this, that's the ball game. It makes it very difficult. Plus, we gave up too many points in the paint. They scored 68 points in the paint, and I don’t know when any team has scored so many points in the paint against us."

Lacktion report: No WotN post is complete without Chris's lactivity update:

Heat-Pacers: Daequan Cook fried up a brick for a +1 suck differential in 6:10 of playing time for the Heat.

Meanwhile, Indianapolis native Josh McRoberts gave the home fans a statline to sleep on -- one brick, block against, and foul each for a +3 in 4:15.

Bobcats-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov stopped saying "nyet" to lacktivity with a solid return to form in 6:02, bricking once from downtown and fouling twice for a +3.

Meanwhile, DeSagana Diop provided Charlotte a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl (two each of giveaways and fouls against three boards) in 14:31.

Bucks-Raptors: While Patrick O'Bryant stayed in his warm-ups, the youngest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity put on a sideshow for the Paleolithic. Nathan Jawai waved a Power Glove at the crowd with his 34-second Mario!

Nets-Cavs: Tarence Kinsey had faded from his fine non-contributory play in recent games, but is back on track with a tax return processed in Quicken that was worth 1.7 trillion!

Wolves-Sixers: Bobby Brown was randomly placed as a starter by Kevin McHale, but unlike most bench jockeys forced into the anti-lacktive position of starting, he reached all the right notes in continuing to lack it up in his 9:19 stint. One turnover and two bricks provided the melody for a +3.

Spurs-Hawks: Gregg Popovich took the opportunity presented by a late-game thwacking of the Hawks to bring out two renowned human victory cigars. Fabricio Oberto did get credit for a board, but three fouls in 6:41 paved the way for a 3:1 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, former trillionaire champion Bruce Bowen's renaissance as a lacktator continues with a one-giveaway +1 in 4:09.

Clippers-Knicks: You know it's a strange night at the Garden when 275 points are scored, and the Clippers' starting center Marcus Camby didn't even factor into any of them - but got just enough rebounds to negate a potential Voskuhl! Stranger still, Mike Dunleavy got the chance to have Steve Novak play as the human victory cigar, bricking from behind the arc for a +1 in 7:01 -- meaning that he was the only other player to not contribute a single point.

Celtics-Magic: Bill Walker probably wishes he had been called up earlier in the season, as he is making a case to be one of the emerging star lacktators this year -- fouling twice for a +2 in 3:12 tonight. Meanwhile, Shaq's least favorite coach in the history of the universe got to relish a win over the defending NBA champions with human victory cigar JJ Redick, who earned 1.5 trillion.

Nuggets-Hornets: Jason Hart checked into Hotel Mario for a 36-second stay!

Warriors-Mavs: Matt Carroll sang a tune of two bricks (once from downtown) for a +2 in 4:02.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Vanessa Bryant, Worst of the Night

Last night in Chicago, the Bulls managed to beat the Pistons 99 – 91, a critical win that keeps them well positioned in the middle of the race for a 7th or 8th seed playoff berth in the East. Playing in place of injured Derrick Rose (wrist), Kirk Hinrich played almost 46 minutes, went 10 for 23, scored 24 points, and was just all around scrappy and solid…and was booed by his hometown crowd. Why? Because at the end of the game, he missed a free throw that would have given the Bulls 100 points, which is the magic number of points required (assuming the Bulls win) for the fans to cash in on McDonald’s “free Big Mac” promotion.

Fan ignorance and classlessness aside (It’s shameful that Kirk actually had to say “Sorry everyone” to booing fans at the conclusion of his post-game interview), I wanted to know if there was even a reason to boo – i.e., how strictly do participating companies adhere to their Bulls promotions?

Promotion test #1:
Dunkin' Donuts Race

The Contest Premise: A drunken dunut, a strung-out bagel, and a hopped-up cup of coffee race around a track on the UC Jumbotron. If the food/drink item singled out on your card wins the race, you can get a free whatever-it-is.



Test: Go to a Dunkin' Donuts with my doughnut Card (because I like doughnuts) and see if I can get a free doughnut... even though the bagel won the race.

Result: I went to a Dunkin' Donuts near my office and nervously handed the woman behind the counter my card. She looked at the card and said “Free doughnut?” and I nodded. This appeared to be the extent of DD’s crack security measures. The woman proceeded to toss the card into the garbage and hand me a free doughnut.

Ashamed of myself, I considered revealing to the woman that the doughnut hadn’t even won the race, but did not want to spend a night in jail…or have my free doughnut taken back, for that matter. Incidentally, I had a French Cruller, and it was, as always, awesome.

Conclusion: Cheer all you want for your food item at the Bulls game, but don’t fret if it loses. Every card is a winner.

Promotion #2:
The Hinkley Springs Truck Race

The Contest Premise: Three boring, nondescript water trucks (cleverly titled “1,” “2,” and “3”) race around a track. If the truck number on your card wins, you get a free bottle of water, which you can redeem at...I have no idea where.

Test: None. It’s water. Who the f*ck cares? If you've ever actually redeemed a single-serving bottle of water after a Bulls game, you're officially a douchebag. Just because a bottled water costs 8 bucks at the United Center doesn’t mean it’s valuable. Bottled water is an environment killer, a waste of hard-earned money, and last I checked, the same stuff comes out of taps everywhere in the Chicagoland area.

Conclusion: Bottled water does not lend itself to contests - unless you're giving away money. Hinkley Springs has apparently realized how dumb the free water is, and is now trying to redeem itself by giving a couple of fans a shot at a million dollars. Truck races: derivative and dumb. Giving some fans a chance at real money: much better.

Promotion #3:
Score Big. McDonald's Big Mac Promo.

The Contest Premise: If the Chicago Bulls score 100 points and win at home, the cardholder has 48 hours to go to McDonald's to receive a free Big Mac.



Caveat: By the time I figured out I wanted to test this promotion, my Big Mac Bulls card was well over four months old. Still, I wanted to see just how closely employees would scrutinize the card.

Test: See if McDonald’s will accept a four-month-old card from a game in which the Bulls did not score 100 points.

Result: The little Hispanic woman at the register looked at my card, then handed it to the Hispanic lady at the register next to her, who passed it to a third. Then they all looked at me and said “ocho, ocho,” which translates loosely into “This card is from 2008, you moron.” There’s nothing quite as humiliating as getting “Are you an idiot?” looks from a bunch of McDonald’s employees. So in the end, my test was compromised by the outdated card. Dammit.

Realizing that even if my card had been less than 48-hours old, it would not mean too much if it were accepted at a single McDonald's location, I decided the best thing to do would be to discuss the issue with a McDonald’s manager. Here’s my best recollection of the interview:

Evil Ted (producing 4-month-old Big Mac card): “You’ve seen these, right?”
McDonald’s Manager: “Yes.”
ET: “Now, Kirk Hinrich was booed last night because-”
MDM: “Huh, who?”
ET: “Forget it. Let me ask you this, do you know whether the Bulls scored 100 points last night?”
MDM: “Yes.”
ET: “And how do you know?”
MDM: “We get a call.”
ET: “And do you tell the employees working the register whether to accept these cards?”
MDM: “I tell them whether the promotion is effective, yes.”
ET: “So you won’t accept an invalid card?”
MDM: “If it’s one person, I might let them get one. If it’s the difference between a happy customer and an angry customer, I’d prefer a happy one, and probably give the Big Mac. If there were twenty people looking to abuse the contest, then I would have to reconsider. In the end, a Big Mac is not really a big deal to McDonald's.”

I then proceeded to ask if he would accept a four-month old card, to which he looked nervous. I laughed and said "fuhgetabout it." I figured I already got a Big Mac's worth of info out of him.

Conclusion: If you are not a rude, classless jerkweed, there are pretty good odds you will come across a McDonald’s manager willing to give up a sandwich for the sake of a happy customer.

Sub-conclusion: If you booed Kirk Hinrich despite his solid performance leading the Bulls to a critical victory, there are pretty good odds that you are, in fact, a rude, classless jerkweed, so the initial conclusion is therefore invalid, just like the Big Mac hard you’re holding.

And now for a:
Completely-unrelated-item-made-to-seem-related-to-the-subject-at-hand...

Speaking of promotions, ER is about to go off the air this month, and as the show concludes its 15 season run, NBC is pulling out all the promotional stops to perfume over the rotting corpse stench of a show that stayed around far, far too long.

Enjoy the latest Evil Ted video creation, with some nice baritone-pipes narration work from Basketbawful. If you have a problem clicking below (funnyordie.com embeded vids can be quirky), click here.

ER: The Final Season Promo - watch more funny videos

Labels: Big Mac, Chicago Bulls, Dunkin Donuts, ER, Hinkley Springs, promotions

Dwight Howard: This is a day-late WotN sent in by Jorag: "Hello, I'm sending this picture of Dwight Howard at MSG telling the camera to 'suck it.' I think he's channeling his inner D-Generation X. He knew the camera was on him and smiled right after doing it." To be honest, I wasn't familiar with the suck it gesture and had to look it up on Wikipedia. By the way, I love Wikipedia, I really do. Check out their full list of gestures. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to strut around the office doing "the peacock."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Their plucky and inspired play sans Kevin Durant and Jeff Green seemed like years ago about midway though the first quarter of their home loss to the Lakers. The Thunder Kittens found themselves on the bad news end of a 17-point deficit (37-20) at the end of the first and were down 62-38 at halftime. And it was more or less "Game Over" at that point. Kobe Bryant didn't even have to put in a Mario's worth of lacktion in the fourth quarter...and Adam Morrison got let out of the doghouse for almost five minutes. Both are bad signs if you're a Lakers opponent.

Note that Kevin Durant "led" Oklahoma City with 24 points on 8-for-20 shooting (including 0-for-6 from downtown), but his team never got any closer than 17 points in the second half. Ironically, his plus-minus score was -24, and yes, that was the worst on the team. I know this was the Lakers and everything, but seriously, this squad was playing better when KD was out with injury. Who knows, maybe their Durant-less hot streak was just one of those quirky Wounded Tiger-type things. But it makes me wonder whether all his high-scoring efforts are really benefiting the team.

Earl Watson: Dig this: "[Thunder coach Scott] Brooks benched Earl Watson, inserting Chucky Atkins as his backup point guard six games ago. Watson hasn't played in any of the six games, including two blowouts in which several reserves have played in the fourth quarter." Wow, is Earl Watson really that bad? He can't even earn a Mario or maybe a trillion in garbage time?

The Detroit Pistons: Don't let the seeming closeness of the final score of their loss to the Derrick Rose-less Bulls -- 99-91 -- fool you for even a second. Chicago was up by 19 points (92-73) with just over six minutes remaining before going to sleep a little bit. Sure, the Pistons were without Rip Hamilton (groin strain), Rasheed Wallace (bum calf) and Allen Iverson (doesn't want to come off the bench), but that's hardly an excuse since the Bulls were missing Rose (bruised wrist), Luol Deng (stress fracture) and Tim Thomas (who was limited to only four minutes due to back spasms), forcing Vinny Del Negro to employ a Mike D'Antoni-like six-man rotation. (Unless you count Lindsey Hunter's brief cameo, which you don't.)

The Pistons have lost five of six -- and that one win was at home against the Clippers -- and they're 7-15 since February 8th. Think about that. Let it sink in. There's no point in denying it any longer: Detroit has become terrible and are in serious jeopardy of dropping to eighth or even (gulp) not making the playoffs at all. But hey, don't get on Joe Dumars' case. Like the Joker said in "The Dark Knight," it's all part of the plan. (Just try not to think about the fact that the Joker's plan totally failed in the end.)

The United Center: Kirk Hinrich stepped in for Derrick Rose and scored a game-high 24 points to go along with a team-high 8 assists. But, believe it or not, the United Center crowd -- what was left of them anyway -- actually booed Captain Kirk during his postgame interview. Seriously. His crime? Bonking a free throw with 17.9 seconds left that would have given the Bulls 100 points and "earned" the fans free grease-soaked Barth Burgers from McDonald's. I guess sometimes surging at the end of the season to possibly make the playoffs just isn't enough. That's what happens when free taco excitement gets out of hand. Fortunately, Hinrich -- who at this point is probably used to getting booed at home -- wasn't rattled. "I have thicker skin than that. Anytime you can get your fans involved like that, it's extra incentive."

(P.S. These are the same "fans" that were chanting "M-V-P!" for Kobe Bryant last Saturday. As always, I'm just sayin'...)

Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley: First they scoffed at Ernie Johnson for suggesting that the Bulls have a favorable schedule down the stretch because it featured eight games at home to only three on the road, proving that they have no idea whatsoever how well the Bulls have been playing at home. The only argument they had was that Chicago was (at the time) a 33-win team and that 33-win teams never have a favorable schedule. And that was it. That was their whole analysis. Look, the Bulls are a different team since they traded for John Salmons and Brad Miller. I would think that NBA "experts" would, I don't know, check into stuff like that. Honestly, I used to love these guys, but man, they've been off this season. Way off.

Speaking of which, you might remember that, back in November, Smith claimed that the Rockets were going to win the title. And he was being completely serious. He's backed off of tht stance for obvious reasons, but he said last night that Houston is "this close" to being a contender and that with Tracy McGrady they would be one already. Seriously, Kenny?!

Monta Ellis: He led the Warriors with 27 points (on 26 shots) but, with his team down one and a chance to win it, his final two shots were a 21-footer with five seconds left and then a running 28-footer at the buzzer. That's the best shot he could have gotten?! Not according to Don Nelson: "I thought Monte could have gotten to the rim, certainly in five seconds get to the rim. But anyways, that was what he chose to do." And by "that" Nellie of course means "chucking up a low-percentage shot under duress." I bet that, after the game, at least a few Warrior fans were silently wishing that the scooter would have killed him last summer.

Corey Maggette: Earlier this season, in a win over the New Orleans Hornets, Bad Porn said: "I think it's a mismatch every time, me personally. Whoever guards me I just think it's a mismatch because I'm just a person that tries to keep a person on their heels and attack them every which way." That quote was the first thing that popped into my head after his 1-for-8 clanker against the Spurs. I bet whoever was guarding him last night thought it was a mismatch too...just not the kind Corey was talking about.

Jamal Crawford: Here's the story behind his latest DNP-CD: "Golden State played again without Jamal Crawford, who missed his fourth straight game in what has become a bizarre subplot with Warriors coach Don Nelson. In the past week, Crawford has been benched, allowed back, and benched himself—all while being perfectly healthy. Nelson doesn't want Crawford back next season and sat him on March 17 in favor of playing youngsters. He wanted Crawford back into the lineup two games later, but Crawford said he wanted more practice time before jumping back in." You wouldn't think there'd be this much drama on a 25-win team. But there you have it. (And anyway, since when has Crawford ever needed practice to chuck up shots? The dude's a human catapult.)

The Houston Rockets: Well, that was a short stay at number two, huh? After a couple days of everybody getting all excited about their Knee-Mac-less rise in the standings, the Rockets got handled by the Jazz, who have sort of become Houston's arch nemesis the last couple years. Utah blocked a season-high 12 shots, stole the ball six times, forced 12 turnovers and held the Rockets to 34 percent shooting. Basically, the treated the Rockets like a chunk of hamburger and just ground them to bits.

Ron Artest: He had 11 rebounds and 7 assists, which are above-average numbers for him. But dear lord, his shooting was beyond dreadful. He scored 13 points on 22 shots. Of his 17 misses, five of them were stuffed by the Jazz. Has anybody registered heyronartestpleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com yet? Because it probably needs to happen. Just, you know, make sure Ron won't be able to track you down.

Lacktion report: Chris took a brief respite from scouring the thrift stores for Kings-related merchandise to you, dear readers, a lacktion quickie. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Pistons-Bulls: Detroits' Walter Sharpe cut out the NES's lockout chip for a 52 second Mario that included a made shot and a board, while Lindsey Hunter put up a brick from the Sears Tower and a foul in 4:51 for a +2 suck differential.

Lakers-Thunder: Adam Morrison threw a piece of masonry for +1 in 4:50 for Los Angeles.

Kobe Bryant: Go ahead and add "arm nom" to his list of crimes against humanity. Thanks to Dan B. for the pic.


The NBA marketing geniuses: Basketbawful reader j men wrote in to say: "Don't you find it funny that the NBA would put up a video called 'Coming Soon: Baron Davis in the 2009 playoffs'?" I assure you, he is not kidding, and yes, this comes from the official home of the NBA on YouTube:


Chris Bosh: So the "RuPaul of Big Men" is a deadbeat dad and his malfeasance might have caused the Craptors descent into oblivion? Wow. It's enough to make Toronto fans long for those halcyon days of the Vinsanity Era.

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Golden State Warriors, Kevin Durant, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Lakers, Oklahoma City Thunder, Worst of the Night

So on Wednesday afternoon, after getting stuck on traffic and finding myself on Stockton Boulevard (the main drag through South Sacramento), I realized that I wasn't too far from a few thrift stores in the south area. So hey, thought I, maybe I'll find some goodies for my camera (as Nikon's lens compatibility goes all the way back to about the time of the birth of Greg Oden).

While I didn't find those...I did find these two not-so-keepsakes at bargain prices. First off, Thrift Town at Stockton and Lawrence provided this "gem" -- a Darius Songaila plastic bobblehead worth only $3! So I took an impromptu photo of it in its environs outside, with a blank billboard in view. And yes, there was a second Songaila bobblehead available, assuming there is any demand for this lacktion figure of a role player now cashing in millions as part of the Washington Wizards Generals.


After that was done, I headed over to the Goodwill Store at Franklin and Florin, across the street from an abandoned Albertsons and Burger King duo. Not expecting to find more cartoonish representations of bawful, I ended up finding a Bobby Jackson doll from a Subway promotion -- for those who do believe that working way too hard for mediocrity will be rewarded! Like the Songalia shot, I framed this representation of the Kings' current operating budget pretty much near where I purchased it.


Somehow, I actually paid a dollar more for that, despite the not-so-lifelike detailing! Amazing.

Labels: action figures, Bobby Jackson, Darius Songaila, fan submissions, potato suck race, Sacramento Kings, stupid toys, Suckramento

See?! Steve Nash does so play D!!
Joseph White, AP Sports Writer: A reader who calls himself spiderbeef23 -- I love it, by the way -- emailed me a link to White's recap of the Bulls-Generals game, saying: "For a moment there I thought I was reading a Bawful blog entry at By The Horns. Are we sure his middle name isn't 'Troll'?" And here's what spiderbeef23 was talking about:

Onward goes the Chicago Bulls' mediocre march toward the playoffs. After all, nothing says postseason like nearly blowing a double-digit fourth-quarter lead against the worst team in the East.

Uhm, Mr. White, you DO know that's MY shtick, right? Can you please return to the soulless, mind-numbing style of writing that is the AP's hallmark? Thanks.

The Chicago Bulls: The Bullies are fighting to hold onto the eighth and final playoff spot in the East. And get this: They're only a few games behind the Pistons -- whom they play tonight at the United Center -- and Detroit is struggling with injuries (to Rip, 'Sheed and the Not Answer) and losses (six in their last nine games). So, given the circumstances, taking on the woeful, worst-in-the-conference Wizards Generals, who were missing their second-best player (Caron Butler) should have been a lead-pipe cinch. But not for this Bulls team, who can beat almost anybody at home while losing to pretty much anybody on the road. Seriously, Vinny Del Negro needs to pray to Lord Baby Jesus so that He can use His Baby Jesus powers to do something about their "road game." It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it...

Anyway, Chicago fell behind by 12 points early, then fought back to take an 11-point with just over six minutes to play. Then Antawn Jamison -- who lit them up for 32 points and 12 rebounds (but zero assists) --
scored 8 straight and turned the game into a dogfight that came down to the final buzzer. Oh, and I should probably mention that Javaris Crittenton, who averages 4 PPG, also scored eight straight Wizards points during the second half and finished with a season-high 18 on 8-for-12 shooting. So put him on the "Zaza List" of players who have notched a season-high against the Bulls this season. Oh, and file this one under "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others."

Tyrus Thomas: So, he shot 4-for-10. He was 3-for-4 in the paint and 1-for-6 from outside, which included misses from 19 feet, 18 feet (twice) and 17 feet (twice). Tyrus, for the love of all that's good and holy in this world and the next, STOP SHOOTING JUMP SHOTS. That is all.

Gilbert Arenas drama: Imagine my surprise: Drama surrounding the possible return of Hibatchi.

Agent Zero's comeback day is Saturday. Definitely. Perhaps. Maybe. Depending on whom you ask.

Gilbert Arenas used a variety of means Monday to indicate that he could make his season debut for the Washington Wizards this weekend against the Detroit Pistons.

"I'm playing Saturday against Detroit," he said in a text message sent to Comcast SportsNet.

Asked if it was really so, the three-time All-Star told a Washington Post reporter at the Verizon Center: "It's only true if I play on Saturday."

Arenas then told The Washington Times by phone that playing Saturday is "the plan" -- but isn't set in stone.

Arenas took a fourth approaching -- playing coy -- when approached by The Associated Press before Monday night's game against the Chicago Bulls: "Everybody's talking about Saturday, man. I don't know how you can talk about Saturday when it ain't here."

Somewhere in the middle was interim coach Ed Tapscott, who could only say that it's a "possibility" that Arenas will play Saturday. Scooped by his own player, Tapscott said he's only had a brief conversion with the mercurial star about the latest developments.

"It's wonderful that he wants to come back and play," Tapscott said. "And what we all have to do now is get together and coordinate plans and make sure that all the responsible parties weigh in so that we can do this in a way that is beneficial to everybody. That's the process we're going through now. We're hopeful that we'll have all our ducks in a line so that that will be a reality. We're not yet 100 percent sure."

Now, seriously, is all this cloak-and-dagger stuff really necessary? The Wizards Generals are a 16-win team, so unless David Stern decides to extend the season by 40 or 50 games, they're pretty solidly out of the playoffs. Hey, I like Gil and everything, but he hasn't been relevant for the last two seasons...unless you count the catastrophic damage he's done to the Wizards' Generals' salary cap, not to mention their team psyche. So he plays the last eight or nine games, during which he'll probably average around 15 PPG on 40 percent (or less) shooting, and Washington maybe scrapes out two or three more victories. So what? It's non-news.

Update! Wild Yams had this to add on the Agent Zero brouhaha: "Wouldn't it be great if Gilbert Arenas comes back and the Generals go undefeated with him and that severely hurts their lottery seeding? That way Agent Zero's destruction of Washington's season would be complete." There would be a certain poetic resonance...

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The update: Now 3-18 since Al Jefferson was lost for the season. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...please help the Timberwolves.

Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal: From the AP recap: "Playing without starting forward Jermaine O'Neal, who sat out as a precaution with a bruised right hip but is expected to be available Wednesday when the Heat visit Indiana, Miami blah, blah, blah...." One day I hope to track down the glass factory where The Drain was made and ask them why they don't make a better, stronger brand of glass.

The Memphis Grizzlies: They fell behind 11-0 at the start and then 30-16 after one quarter and it might as well have been "Game Over" at that point. As Hakim Warrick said: "They really jumped on us from the start. When you're playing against a team that's fighting for playoff position and playing as hard as they play, it's tough to come back from behind." Also, when you're the Grizzlies and you commit 21 turnovers, it's hard to come back from behind, or hold onto a lead, or do anything resembling winning against any team at all. But hey, they might be only 17-53, but at least they got Pau Gasol's contract off the books last season!

The New York Knicks: Okay, seriously, the AP is really trying to replace me. Here's an excerpt from their recap of the Magic-Knicks game: "Nate Robinson scored 19 on just 6-of-23 shooting for New York, which dropped its fifth straight in a late-season collapse after entertaining hopes of a playoff spot a week ago. The Knicks honored seven players from their past at halftime, then extended their dismal present by clinching an eighth straight losing season, tying a franchise worst."

Okay, that's it. I'm officially obsolete. But I'll try to offer up at least a little more semi-useful data. According to nearly 10 seconds of research, I discovered that the 2008-09 Knicks currently have 164 blocked shots on the season. That would rank as an All-Time Worst by five blocks if the season ended today. But even if they manage to surpass the 169 blocks compiled by the 1998-99 Chicago Bulls, they will still, technically, acheive an All-Time Worst since that Bulls team played during the lockout-shortened 50-game season. Next up on the list is the 1998-99 Washington Wizards, who blocked 193 shots during the lockout season. And there's no way the Knicks are catching those guys.

Wow, huh? And check out the Top Ten Fewest Block Seasons. Eight out of 10 happened in 1998-99, and the other two are this year's Knicks team and...last year's Knicks team.

Mike D'Antoni, worried about today machine: After his team suffered a fourth-quarter collapse at MSG against the Magic -- who outscored the home team 36-23 in the fourth quarter to win by 4 points -- D'Antoni said: "I'm not worried about what happened the last seven years, I'm worried about this year. I'm not very happy the way things are going right now, but we're playing pretty well, we're playing hard, and as long as we can do that, keep trying to get a little bit better." So far, a "little bit better" is all that's happened: This year's squad is currenlty up only five games over last year's Isiah Thomas-coached team. But in all fairness, they didn't have Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph this sea...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, I thought I was gonna make it through that without busting up.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Look, they are who we thought they were, okay? I have no idea what to even say about this team anymore. So here's a fun fact: 98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.

Stephon Marbury: Last night he contributed 3 points (1-for-6), 3 assists, a steal, 2 fouls and one blocked shot against in almost 20 minutes of PT. And sadly, that might be his third or fourth-best game as a Celtic. Now, I'm not a stat geek or anything, but I will allow that PER is basically a way to compress a player's stats -- which do need to be viewed and analyzed independently -- into one tidy little number. Well, Steph's PER is currently 0.9. Now, according to Hollinger's PER reference guide, a score of 11.0 suggests "Scrounging for minutes," a 9.0 means "Definitely renting," and 5.0 equates to "On next plane to Yakima." And that's it. The guide doesn't go any lower.

Now, this spurred me to do a little extra research and, believe it or not, Starbury only has the 15th lowest PER in the league. Seriously. The bottom 11 actually have a negative PER, with Courtney Sims notching a -26.2 (in only one game). Our buddy Jake Voshuhl has easily appeared in the most games (32) of any player in the bottom 15, and he has a PER of 0.4.

For one last bit of perspective, Mario "The Mario" West currently has a PER or 13.9, which would make him a significant upgrade over Marbury. Think about THAT.

Glen Davis / Me: Basketbawful reader Ruben astutely observed that: "By saying you would choose Big Baby over Darko, you stat-cursed Glen Davis into a 1-for-11 shooting night, while Darko went 4-8 in a good impression of a decent back-up center." Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Glen.

Me again: An anonymous commenter corrected an omission from yesterday's Worst of the Weekend post: "How can you post that 'He was a good horse' line from George Karl without the (un?)intentionally dirty next line -- 'He was a guy you could ride and feel really good about.'" Wow. What a boner on my part. Now, Ruben followed up this comment by saying: "Will 'Good Horse' become J.R's new nickname?" Yes. Officially. From this day forward.

Update! The Denver Nuggets: Wild Yams provided some Nuggety tidbits from today's Daily Dime: "Winning in Phoenix has not been a strength of the Nuggets franchise. Denver has lost eight straight, 17 of 21 and, going even further back in the annals, 37 of 44 in the Valley of the Sun. ... The Nuggets have not defeated a team with a record over .500 since March 4, when they beat the Trail Blazers in Denver. Their last road victory against a winning team was Feb. 18. Right now when I look at the Denver Nuggets I do not see a team capable of making a run to the Western Conference finals, as was once thought to be the case. I see a team that will once again be one-and-done, and that is a tough pill for Nuggets fans to swallow." I guess all that strong play after the Billups-for-Iverson trade was, what, a dead player bounce?

The Phoenix tease: Oh sure. After dropping five in a row -- thereby dooming any realistic playoff hopes -- the Suns win five in a row to make us all think, "Hey, maybe...." Well, I call shenanigans. It ain't happening. That fact kills me, but it's the truth. At this point, the Suns and the playoffs go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding.

Shaq, delusions of grandeur machine: He hit four of five free throws in the final 5:04 -- and seven out of eight in the game -- and then quipped: "That's what I do, baby. I'm Shaq-ovich. We needed them. I'm known that when you really need them, I'm going to make them." When you really need them...like last year in the playoffs against the Spurs, when Gregg Popovich was employing Hack-a-Shaq? Like then? Because I seem to remember The Big Forgetful going 6-for-13, 5-for-11, and 2-for-8 in three of the Suns' losses in that series. I'm just sayin'.

Lost opportunities: Bad news for Kevin Arnold as well as any "Wonder Years" fanatics out there: Winnie Cooper is off the market. Good to know there's life after 80, or however old she is now.

Lacktion report:

Wolves-Hawks: Shelden Williams came off the shelf for Kevin McHale and accrued suck differential markers at an efficient rate, going one-per-minute with a +4 in 3:54 via two bricks, one rejection, and one foul.

In the midst of yet another record-padding home stand, the Hawks opted to give Mario West more playing time than he probably has ever seen in his life, a full SIXTEEN MINUTES! Such a drastic shift in lacktator strategery required a reallocation of bench resources like none other, as the rest of Atlanta's non-contributors were needed to fill the void. Thomas Gardner cultivated a two-brick +2 in 2:07 from downtown, while Othello Hunter acted ot a +1 of his own in that same time period through a foul. And Randolph Morris had +1 via brick in 1:21!

Grizzlies-Heat: Chris Quinn mightily made 2.1 trillion for Miami.

Suns-Nuggets: Stromile Swift quickly established himself as an effective lacktator tonight, giving up the rock once in 4:47 and fouling three times for a +4.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba called up Danica McKellar's new husband to congratulate him, then added, "But you know I had her first, right?" Then he called up Fred Savage and said the same thing.

Labels: Associated Press, Chicago Bulls, fan submissions, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

The Indiana Pacers: This team has suffered several heartbreaking losses this season. On Friday night, they suffered another one, courtesy of Dirk Nowitzki. Take note of how the video closes on a dejected Larry Bird.


Mind you, Dirk shot pretty poorly (10-for-26) and was only 2-for-10 in the second half until he hit the game-winner. I guess the Pacers just naturally raise the clutchocity of their opponents or something. The Pacers have now lost three in a row at home. And it may not even be home for much longer.

Danny Granger: I know he's really good and all that, but 18 points on 26 shots? They're called teammates, Danny. Use 'em.

The Toronto Craptors: The Craptors hadn't played since Monday -- a 26-point loss to the Bobcats in Charlotte -- but they didn't accomplish anything with that time off, unless they unlocked a couple new songs on Guitar Hero, because the Bobcats traveled to Toronto to deliver another double-digit loss. The Craptors have now lost nine of their last 10 games and 45 of their last 69.

Quick note from Basketbawful reader Benjamin: "Feel free to ridicule my beloved Craps mercilessly -- they deserve it -- but Chris Bosh did record the first Dantley I've ever noticed, with 35 points on eight field goals and 19-for-20 from the line." Indeed he did.

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade is playing so well that it's tempting to think that the Heat are better than they actually are. But even though they aren't, they should at least be good enough to eke out a road win against a team that was only 14-19 at home and was down an All-Star. But on Friday night, they were not, falling to the Nets because of dual off-the-bench blitzkriegs by Chris Douglas-Roberts (career-high 18 points) and Jarvis Hayes (18 points, 8-for-12). Said Wade: "We understand the position that we are in. Guys have to start playing with a little more urgency." And that position is: Not yet a lock to make the playoffs.

Jamario Moon: Maybe Moon is one of the guys Wade was talking about. He logged only 11 minutes, finishing with zero points (0-for-3) and a rebound. Oh, and two of those misses were blown dunk attempts that came within the first 90 seconds of the game. As an anonymous commenter put it: "Isn't this the same guy who participated in the dunk contest like a year ago? The same one who said that he knew how to put on a show cause he played with the Globe Trotters? Weird. I always thought the Globe Trotters finished their dunks."

The New York Knicks: Holy wow. It really doesn't get much more bawful than losing by 27 points at home to the worst team in basketball, does it? And mind you, the Kings came into the game 0-28 against the Eastern Conference. The loss was so humiliating that Mike D'Antoni broke into nervous, near-hysterical laughter after the game when somebody asked him about the team's playoff chances. And of his team's star-studded craptacular, D'Antoni said: "We can't make a shot, we don't have legs to get by people and we don't have legs to stop anybody. Just nobody has any physical presence."

The most damning quote, though, came from Sacramento's Kevin Martin: "We played together and we took advantage of their lack of effort." Reality check: When a player from a 15-win team casually mentions how his squad took advantage of another team's lack of effort...that's pretty sad.

Larry Hughes: The line: 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting. He is so much who we thought he was that I cannot for the life of me believe that he hasn't been on the Clippers yet. I promise you that one day he will be. Mark my words. Speaking of which...

The Los Angeles Clippers: All season long, Mike Dunleavy Sr. has bemoaned the many injuries that have plagued his team, which is fair enough, I guess. But check the box score and you'll notice that everybody is in attendance these days, but the results are stunningly the same. Maybe even worse. The Pistons -- minus Rip Hamilton (groin), Rasheed Wallace (calf), Rodney Stuckey (flu-like symptoms!) and Allen Iverson (back) -- demolished them in Detroit. Will Bynum scored a career-high 22 points and matched his career-best six assists. Antonio McDyess had 24 points and 17 rebounds. Tayshaun Prince added 23 points and a career-high 12 assists. Freaking Kwame Brown lit the Clips up for 14 points (5-for-6) in 27 minutes as the Pistons shot nearly 56 percent as a team and won by 18 after trailing by 12 in the first half. Said Dunleavy: "At one point when we had a 10-point lead we should have had a 20-point lead. Our bigs didn't control the paint like they should have and gave up too many easy buckets around the basket." He sure does love pointing fingers, doesn't he?

Tony Parker: By the numbers -- 25 points (12-for-23), 7 rebounds, 8 assists -- he was the Spurs' Player of the Game against the Celtics. But TP also missed four free throws in the final minute...of a three-point loss. Toss in a couple bonkaroos by Michael Finley and the Spurs missed their last six fouls shots in the final two and a half minutes.

Paul Pierce: Watch him get his atoms smashed by Bruce Bowen, then snag Bowen's shorts (at the 18-second mark). I probably wouldn't have noticed the shorts-grab if Basketbawful reader Plonden hadn't mentioned it. Oh, and thanks to the anonymous commenter who provided the link.


Rajon Rondo: Hey, Rajon. Nice defense. Taking tips from Mike D'Anonti or something?


The Minnesota Timberwolves: Their 19-point loss to the Rockets dropped them to 3-16 since Al Jefferson's season-ending knee injury.

The Washington Wizards Generals: I know it goes without saying that they lost, but check out this tidbit from the AP recap: "Last year, Carmelo Anthony had a career night against the Washington Wizards. This time, J.R. Smith and Chris Andersen took their turns. Smith scored a season-high 40 points, Andersen had a career-high 18 points to go along with 11 rebounds and six blocks and the Nuggets beat the Wizards 116-105 Friday night for their fifth straight win." Hey Washington, J.R. Smith and the Birdman called. They said "thanks" for being in their posters.

George Karl, quote machine: Regarding Smith's big game: "J.R. was pretty good. Pretty efficient. He was a nice horse." Wait...what was that last part again? Yes, he said it.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Uh, Philly, you know you're just a small handful of losses from missing out on the playoffs, right? 'Cause the effort in Oakland -- shooting 38 percent, letting the Warriors shoot almost 57 percent and missing 9 free throws -- was purty bawful.

The Warriors' rebounding: Golden State would have destroyed the Sixers if they'd been able to grab a rebound. As it was, Philly hauled down 25 offensive boards, which was scary close to the Warriors rebounding total of 37.

Kenny Smith: Got this email from Joe H: "Does Kenny Smith get a WotW mention for walking into George Wallace's hour and fifteen minute show 30 minutes late with his 'posse'? I was at the show last night at the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas. The venue probably seats around 200 people and is set up like an old school lounge. George was killing it when in comes Kenny, his wife, and his posse along with Toni Braxton, her sister and their 'people' -- about 15 people total. Being the VIPs that they are, they strolled through the middle of the room and plopped down right in front. Funny thing is that George pulled Toni Braxton up on the stage and had the audience cheer for her, but gave no shout out to the Jet at all. I was sitting about 12-15 feet away from him and thought it was him, but wasn't completely sure until the show ended and I took the opportunity to say hello. When he stood up he was definitely not the 6'3" he is listed as on Basketball-Reference.com. I'm 5'10" and he couldn't be more than 2 inches taller than me, if that." Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Kenny Smith has a posse?!

Friday lactivity report: Here's Chris's lacktion update, with some bonus material:

First off...an interesting note about the Kings-Knicks game, in which the Kings broke their season-long losing streak to the Eastern Conference.

Spencer Hawes was interviewed by Grant Napear afterwards and admitted that his performance against the Bobcats was the "worst of his career." I guess that means that his 7:2 Voskuhl that night really was an accurate measure of his ineffectiveness as a big man! Hey, GMs and basketball statgeeks, you listening!?

And on to the lacktion report:

Bobcats-Raptors: Juwan Howard's single giveaway and duo of turnovers provided him a +3 suck differential in 5:17 for the Bobcats, while Jake Voskuhl lives up to his name again with a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:1 (foul and giveaway against a singular board) in 3:08. Voskuhl was joined in the lacktivity department by fellow Craptor Jason Kapono, who bricked from downtown, gave up the rock once, and fouled twice for a +4 in 12:50.

Clippers-Pistons: Mike Dunleavy really wants to make the most of his copy of Duck Hunt, as he barked wildly at two lacktators. Alex Acker (35 seconds) and DeAndre Jordan (22 seconds with one board) provided the Clips with Nintendo love as Mario Brothers!

Likewise, the Wii is looking rather popular as the favorite half-birthday gift for residents of Grosse Pointe Shores, with Walter Sharpe cutting out a 35-second Mario for the Pistons (which somehow included one made field goal). The individual segments in WiiFit probably last longer than that!

Jazz-Thunder: Jarron Collins took one foul in 1:28 for a +2 that also nothced a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Hornets: Hamed Haddadi had his way with on-court treasure, taking home a 1.3 trillion. On the other side of the court, New Orleans's Devin Brown bricked twice from beyond the arc for a +2 in 1:19. And Melvin Ely's one assist in 5:58 wasn't able to overcome a foul for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Celtics-Spurs: The blockbuster Patrick O'Bryant trade seems to have had the opposite effect for the defending champions, who have confidently dragged out their human victory cigars more often since the transaction. In a close conquest of the perennially contending Spurs, Doc Rivers paid homage to the original Final Fantasy by giving Bill Walkers a 6 second Super Mario to use up all of his health points.

Not to be outdone, Gregg Popovich inserted a Game Genie into his Americanized Famicom as "Jumping" Jacque Vaughn flashed on and off to the whims of the Reset button, scoring a 1-second Super Mario of his own!!!

Wizards-Nuggets: Jason Hart heaved a hopeless shot attempt from downtown for a +1 in 2:28.

The Atlanta Hawks: Oh how the Hawks fans wanted to rub that seven-game winning streak in my face. But it's like I said: They're a pretty impressive team...at home. But they're a shadow of that on the road and that's going to doom them in the playoffs. Trust me. As if to prove my point, Atlanta found themselves down 40-16 with 8:56 left in the second quarter against the Crabs on Saturday night. And as the game went on, so did the implosion: Coach Mike Woodson picked up technical fouls in the second and third periods and was ejected by official Joe Forte with 6:30 left in the third period. Mike Bibby and Josh Smith were also hit with technicals in the third period. Woodson compounded his mistake by refusing to speak with reporters after the game and forcing assistant coach Larry Drew to talk to the media. Bibby, meanwhile, was making noise about appealing the fine that goes along with a tech, and Al Horford was telling people (correctly) that they need to shut the hell up. "We shouldn't even be talking to the refs. We have to go out there and play. The Cavs are the best team in the league, so we need to go out and play. Until guys understand that, we're going to be going through this." Pretty much, yeah.

Note: After this game, the Hawks have four more in a row at home. (They had only five road games on their March schedule.) So look for them to win three or four of those games, after which I'm sure I'll be hearing more noise from the Atlanta faithful.

Mike Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Tom: "Not sure if this gem made it into the national media; I stumbled upon it on Cavs.com: 'We did a nice job contesting shots and, on our backside, protecting one another, sinking the bodies, feeling the bodies and not allowing them to get a ton of drives.'" This...quote wasn't about a group experience in a Mexican jail, was it?

The Charlotte Bobcats: A 25-point home loss to the Pacers? Really?! It's kind of hard to believe this is a team fighting to make the playoffs. No wonder their fans were booing them, particularly during the third quarter, when they shto 3-for-19. But it wasn't just lethargic offense. Jarrett Jack blasted them with 31 points -- 2 points off his career-high -- on nearly perfect 13-for-14 shooting. And mind you, he sat out most of the fourth quarter.

Raymond Felton: He was the poor lad victimized by Jack's scoring onslaught. But does he feel bad about how his defense pretty much cost his team the game? Of course not. "You can't guard nobody who shoots 13-for-14 from the field. He was hitting everything: threes, mid-range, get to the basket. It was tough. He had a great game tonight." Sigh.

The New York Knicks: They played better against the Magic in Orland than they did against the Kings at home, but the outcome was the same: A loss. Their fourth straight, which kind of jams a dagger in the heart of their playoff hopes. Said Nate Robinson: "We've got to go 13-0 if we want to win and make it to the playoffs. But anything is possible." Yeah. Anything except that.

Larry Hughes: According to the AP recap: "Larry Hughes left the game in the second quarter with a jammed left big toe but said it was not serious." Whew! Thank GOD it's not serious.

The Memphis Grizzlies: An 18-point home loss to the Celtics isn't so unbelievable. What is a little wacky is how it happened: Via a career-high 24 points on 8-of-11 shooting from Glen "Big Baby" Davis. I mean, Baby, he, he just, he owned the Grizzlies. Owned 'em. Think about that.

Darko Milicic: Welcome to Big Baby's poster, Darko.


You know what's really sad? I would absolutely and without hesitation want Davis on my team over Darko. Not even a question.

The Chicago Bulls: In my experience, when something seems like it's too good to be true, it usually is. Such was the 14-point halftime lead the Bulls had over the Lakers on Saturday night. The capper to Chicago's strong first half was this buzzer-beating three by John Salmons to end the second quarter. As soon as that shot went down, I thought to myself: "They Bulls CANNOT play any better than that in the second half." And it turned out that I was right.

Painfully so. Chicago developed a terminal case of butter fingers and committed turnover after turnover -- they finished with 23 -- and the Lakers took advantage, scoring 27 points off those miscues. L.A. had trimmed that 14-point lead to six (87-81) by the start of the fourth quarter and then the wheels came off completely. Joakim Noah got called for a three-second violation on Chicago's first possession. Less than a minute later, Sasha Vujacic stole a pass from Kirk Hinrich. A little over a minute after that, Lamar Odom intercepted Derrick Rose. Luke Walton stole Ben Gordon's pass on the Bulls' next possession. A little while later, Ben Gordon was called for traveling. Rose lost the ball (to Jordan Farmar) on the next possession. Then Brad Miller had a pass swiped by Odom.

The next thing you know, the Lakers had ripped off a 21-6 run to open the quarter…all while Kobe Bryant (28 points, a game-high 7 assists and a game-high 5 steals) was watching from the bench. And L.A. never looked back. Said Rose: “We were turning the ball over and when you do that in this league, anyone will beat you.” Especially when that “anyone” is (depending on whom you ask) the first or second-best team in the league.

Ben Gordon: Nobody on the Bulls was more careless with the ball than Gordon, who lost the rock seven times while shooting 5-for-14 and missing six of his eight three-point attempts. It's not really BG's fault, though. I stat cursed him at By the Horns on Friday. Sorry 'bout that, Ben.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Another team "fighting" for that eighth and final playoff spot in the East. Only, after their 96-84 home loss to the Trail Blazers -- which featured the Vanilla Godzilla chasing down Ramon Sessions and stuffing Ramon's fast break layup attempt -- Milwaukee has dropped 11 of 15. Worse yet, this was the final game of their season-high six-game home stand...and they finished two up and four down. They're only a game and a half behind the Bulls, but I'd say it's probably safe to stick a fork in them. (And if I end up stat cursing the Bulls by saying this, I promise to drink a full bottle of some industrial cleaning solution.)

The Washington Wizards Generals: Okay, so get this: The Suns put some defense clamps on the Generals in their 128-96 win. I am not kidding. Said Antawn Jamison: "They put a zone on us and we acted like we've never seen a zone before in our lives. Once we didn't play well against their zone, we let it affect the way we got back defensively." Huh. I guess that's why Phoenix shot 55 percent from the field and on three-pointers. Oh, and Basketbawful reader Timbo was kind enough to send in photographic evidence of Washington's _efense:

That's call "spectating," not "defending."
Shaq, quote machine: On passing Moses Malone to become the number five scorer in NBA history, 4,008 points behind Wilt Chamberlain: "It was good, but I'm still kind of disappointed in myself. Mathematically, I've missed three years worth of games and I missed 5,000 free throws. If I was there, I'd probably be No. 2 or No. 3 right now. It shows I've been consistent at what I've been doing and the next guy is my illegitimate father -- Wilt Chamberlain -- so just like in Star Wars, hopefully I can catch up to my father." The interesting thing is, if Wilt's number of sexual conquests is correct, he could very well be the Shaq daddy of the Shaq Daddy. Which brings up another point: With all the many kids by multiple baby mamas that have been produced by the likes of Calvin Murphy and Shawn Kemp, the fact that Wilt didn't accidentally produce dozens of little Wilts stands alongside the 100-point game and the 50 PPG season in his personal pantheon of great accomplishments. Memo to today's NBA players: If Wilt could wrap it, so can you.

But wait, there's more! Basketbawful reader Hellshocked noticed this quote...and a little more: "I'm not sure if you caught this quote by Shaq, but I humbly believe it to be Worst of the Weekend material. The article is dated March 21st and in it Shaq discusses how he could easily average 20-10 until he's 42 years old. Seeing how The Big Statistician is averaging 18 and 8.6 with great difficulty at the tender age of 37, I'd say even 10 and 5 is a stretch at 40."

And here is the quote of which Hellshocked speaks: "If I get one last deal then, yeah, [I could catch Wilt Chamberlain]. The way [head athletic trainer Aaron Nelson] has me feeling, I could average 20 and 10 until I'm 41 (or) 42. Easily." But he's not playing for the next contract or anything...

Steve Nash: Nothing bad, just a funny picture sent in by Basketbawful reader Janae. Hm. I bet I'd have already done a "Nash Face" post if the Suns would have actually won a title or two.

Saturday lactivity report: Chris had a hot date with Sally Lacktion, and let's just say she put out.

Hawks-Cavs: With Mario West mistakenly pressing "Select" to procure an unwanted board against the Crabs, fellow Atlantan Solomon Jones wisely took up the slack and pressed A and B together for an 8-second Super Mario!

Pacers-Hornets: Roy Hibbert had an assist and a block in 7:45 as a starter, but a five-brick performance capped with a rejection led to a 3:0 Voskuhl via fouls! He wasn't the only big man to blandly barge in tonight, as despite three assists, Indiana teammate Rasho Nesterovic earned a slight Voskuhl of 4:3 in 12:10 (three fouls and a giveaway against one made field goal and one rebound).

Lakers-Bulls: Shannon Brown has become Phil Jackson's favorite method of getting mentioned in Nintendo Power Magazine, with a 33 second Mario this time around! Aaron Gray also showed his appreciation for Tetris with a 50-second Mario of his own.

Blazers-Bucks: Charlie Bell of Milwaukee's M.A.S.H. Unit rang up two bricks and two blocks against for a +4 suck differential in 9:37!

But the big news from this matchup was the bewildering bench performance from the elder statesman of the Association, Greg Oden. The declining reflexes of advanced age no doubt contributed to four giveaways in 9:26; such clumsy hands along with five whole fouls against one made field goal and three rebounds led to one of the largest Voskuhl matrixes of the season, at 9:5!

Selective officiating: From Thom: "Please, please, PLEASE mention D-Wade's two 'blocks' at the end of ABC's Sunday Afternoon Pistons-Heat matchup. He hacked Afflalo on a three and absolutely raped Stuckey when he was driving to the basket. To top it off, he got free throws because he flopped on a jumper before those AND the ball went above the cylinder on Jermaine O'Neal's go-ahead put-back. That's a 9-POINT SWING. To top it off, they show the replay on the Stuckey drive and Breen mentions the amount of contact on the play, and Van Gundy just goes 'That's NBA basketball.' That tool bag complained about every foul the Pistons got. God, I hate watching the 'stons when they're on national tvl. I'm absolutely livid." Seriously, Pookie would have had to poke Stuckey in the eye to foul him any more than he did.


Of course, Wade didn't see it that way: "I told Stuckey on the way out of the timeout that I knew they were to do that—I know his tendencies. I stayed solid and didn’t get into his shot fakes, so I was able to get the block." Yeah, okay. I'll tell you one guy who felt there was contact: Pistons coach Michael Curry, who flipped out enough to get ejected. "We wanted Stuck to attack the basket, and that's what he did. I thought he was fouled on the play, and that's what I was complaining about." It was a fair complaint.

The San Antonio Spurs: Tony Parker didn't miss four free throws down the stretch, but the Spurs still lost their second straight loss at home and their third in four games overall. And the defeat was extra crippling as the Rockets took over the division lead as well as second place in the Western Conference. To twist the knife a little, the guy who really killed them was Luis Scola, who nearly had an Animal Style Double-Double (19 points and 17 rebounds) and scored 5 points -- including the go-ahead bucket -- in the final 30 seconds. Scola, you may remember, was the guy San Antonio pretty much gave away to save a little cash.

Luis Scola: Yeah, I know. He was Houston's POG and all that, but, as our good friend The Belgium Waffle noted in an email: "He was beaten by Matt Boner [sic] OFF THE DRIBBLE." That really shouldn't have happened unless Luis was asleep or had two broken legs.

The Fabulous Oberto: You know Chris is going to cover this in the lacktion report, but Tom of The Dream Shake wrote in to say: "Quick note: Fab Oberto got literally one second of playing time today, and put a trillion across the board. How awesome would it have been, though, if he had managed to have one of any statistic during that time frame?" It would have been totally awesome, because then John Hollinger might have had to explain why Fabby's PER jumped after a one-second stint.

Tracy McGrady: From the AP recap: "The Rockets have made their surge without McGrady, who had season-ending surgery on his left knee nearly a month ago. Since McGrady's last game on Feb. 9 -- when the Rockets were 4 1/2 games back of San Antonio -- Houston has won 16 of 20 and now trails only the Lakers in the West." All I can say is that if the Rockets make it out of the first round without Knee-Mac, it'll be sweet retribution for the way he jerked them around this season.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Remember how I mentioned the 'Wolves were 3-16 since Al Jefferson was lost for the season? Make it 3-17 after their 97-90 home loss to the Thunder. And that final score is deceiving. Minny trailed by as many as 32 points and had to outscore the Thunder 37-13 in the fourth quarter to make it close. After the game, Kevin McHale called his team's effort "unacceptable." Added McHale: "I can give you 50 excuses. I can give you all kinds of stuff, but the bottom line is you've got to go out there and play."

The Los Angeles Clippers: From the AP recap: "The Raptors had lost nine of 10 coming in but had little difficulty handling the Clippers, leading by as many as 28 in a runaway fourth quarter. Toronto collected a season-high 57 rebounds while Los Angeles had only 34." Can the Clippers apply for federal disaster relief? They need it. They also need to fire coach Mike Dunleavy, who said: "I'm disappointed, I thought we got outworked. We shot 38 percent from the field and we got two offensive rebounds. That, to me, says we didn't battle well enough in the paint. Other than Zach Randolph, our starters couldn't really make shots." Forget those AIG bonuses, can't congress do something about Dunleavy? Amazingly, the Clips are only considering relieving him of GM duties.

CBS Sports headlines: From Cam: "I just want to bring your attention to this CBS Sports Headline: 'Bosh puts up double-double; Raptors continue to surge.' This 'surge' includes one win in a row against the Clippers after losing 8 of 9 coming into it." Yeah, but to be fair that really IS a surge for the Craptors. It's all relative, you know?

The Golden State Warriors: It was the best of times, it was worst of times. On Friday, the Warriors shot a season-best 56.5 percent against the Sixers. On Sunday, they shot 30 percent in the first half and 39 for the game. The Hornets went up by as many as 23 in the third quarter and were up by double-digits for most of the fourth before Golden State pulled off one of those classic "let's make it look like the game was closer than it really was" runs in the last couple minutes. Said Stephen Jackson: "We waited to play too late. You can't wait and play too late against a good team like that. They kept us out of the game." That's veteran savvy right there.

The Sacramento Kings: With the East Coast Monkey finally off their back thanks to that Friday night win over the Knicks in New York, the Kings reverted to form at home against the Sixers, falling behind 35-17 in the first quarter. They made a run of sorts in the fourth but never got any closer than 11. As a result, Sacramento finished the season 1-29 against the Eastern Conference. The Clippers had the previous worst interconference record at 1-21 in 1986-87. Yes, that's right: The Kings outsucked the Clippers in an All-Time category. HISTORICAL FAIL. Said Jason Thompson: "I don't think because we finally won a game against the East that we got comfortable. I just don't think we had that same edge and energy that we had on the road." That makes no sense. But whatever. By the way, Philly shot nearly 60 percent from the field. Hand in the face anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Mickey Perry, unintentionally dirty quote machine: I got this email from Yiping, a faithful reader from Singapore: "I know Basketbawful is an NBA blog, but you have highlighted some March Madness stuff in the past couple of days. I think this is the best one-liner unintentional dirty quote that I've ever read so far. This one's from this CNNSI.com article from the Kansas-Dayton game. The quote is from Mickey Perry of Dayton, talking about Cole Aldrich and his triple-double: 'He's just so big down there.' First thing that came to my mind was: I have to email this to Basketbawful. I hope you enjoyed this one-liner as much as I did." Yes, yes, I did.

Dwyane Wade's "Irish": Received this nomination from Ishlifyhead from Manila: "This article from Ira Winderman just reeks of all kinds of dirty. It's a bit late but still worth a read. From the title 'Wade doesn't get his Irish up' to 'guard Daequan Cook returning after missing two games following oral surgery, Cook took a blow to the left side of his face at the end of Tuesday's practice from forward James Jones that again put his availability in question. Cook ended the session with an ice pack wrapped about his left cheek.' I'll leave it up to you to further comment. I'm still pretty shocked and speechless about how the Heat hold their practice. I don't know who to nominate. Should it be Winderman for the title? Wade for not getting his Irish up? Cook for having oral surgery and taking the blow? Or Jones for giving the blow? Screw it. Maybe you can nominate all of them." I'll go with Wade. If he wants to be MVP, he's GOT to do something about his Irish.

Sunday lacktivity report: Don't concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory. Stare at Chris's lacktion report instead.

Heat-Pistons: James Jones generically bricked from downtown for a +1 suck differential in 11:22, while teammate Jamaal Magloire negated a steal and block in 12:14 with a 3:0 Voskuhl via fouls and two bricks from the charity stripe!

Rockets-Spurs: Glen Hill climbed onto a foul and two bricks in 6:36 for a +3. But in a weekend of celebrating the greatest gray plastic electronic box to ever come from Japan, fellow San Antonio resident Fabricio Oberto may have topped the cake with a Pokemon Gold cartridge, as he expensively secured a 1-second SUPER MARIO!

Thunder-Wolves: Damien Wilkins may share the same first initial and last name as the more famous Dominique, but his elite skills come in the financial arena and not the contributory aspect of basketball, as evidenced by today's payout of 1.9 trillion.

Warriors-Hornets: Rob Kurz cued up a 2.7 trillion for Team Nellieball.

Sixers-Kings: Theo Ratliff's fame for his expiring contract reflects his fiscal aptitude, and tonight was no exception for this human victory cigar's reputation with a 2.45 trillion given to Philadelphia. Meanwhile, Calvin Booth phoned in a 1.05 trillion.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Basketbawful reader stephanie g continues to represent, this time with an addition to our ongoing man love series. What could possibly cause Zydrunas Ilgauskas to hump the Vanilla Godzilla's upper back? Who knows. Maybe he got a little too tipsy while playing the Mark Jackson Drinking Game.

I could have lived a long and happy lifewithout ever seeing the Z-Man's O-face.
An anonymous commenter left a link to this, uhm, whatever it is. Are they reenacting a scene from "The Goonies" or what? Please, somebody, provide an appropriate caption for this picture. And Mr. Anonymous, please give me a name or alias so you can get the credit you deserve.

"Oh my God...is that Super Dave Osborne?!"

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, fan submissions, Joel Przybilla, man love, Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Ameer Ali: I'm not big on including NCAA stuff here, but sometimes I have to make an exception. Like in the case of Ali. His team (Morgan State) was in the process of getting blown out by Blake Griffin's team (Oklahoma) when the two men got tangled up. So Ali did what any self-respecting Cobra Kai would have done: He showed no mercy, flipping Griffin -- who was just named SI.com's Player of the Year -- WWE-style over his back.


Mind you, Griffin missed most of two games this season getting concussed on February 21. (Not surprisingly, the Sooners lost those two games.) If you want to earn a reputation for extreme superdickery, go ahead and flip-slam the Player of the Year, who recently suffered from a concussion, on national television during March freaking Madness. That's about as brilliant as an inflatable male mannequin groin. And yes, they exist.

Ali was ejected and Griffin suffered a bruised tailbone. And even though it's pretty clear that this wasn't an accident, Ameer idiotically insists that it was: "Nah, it just looked worse than it was. I didn't do it intentionally. Just got locked up." Right. And O.J. accidentally cut his ex-wife into fish bait. Whoopsie! (I'm just kidding. We all know O.J. was innocent.)

Jordan Hill (Arizona) unintentionally dirty man love quote machine: Okay, one more college submission. AnacondaHL provided this quote from Hill, regarding Utah's Luke Nevill" "He's real long, real big -- way bigger than me." Takes a real man to admit that. Update! More from AnacondaHL: "Bawful I think you took the wrong stance on what I was trying to imply with Jordan Hill's quote. It's more like, 'Uh, did he just imply that he's not only seen Nevill's stuff, but has compared them to his own? Hey, anything can happen in a 5-12.'"

Dallas Mavericks: If some uber-powerful superbeing could make it as though the second and fourth quarters of last night's Mavericks-Hawks game never happened, Dallas totally would have won. As it was, the Mavs were outscored 33-16 (which included an 18-0 run) in the second and then forgot how to shoot the ball in the fourth. During that final period, Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Terry went 2-for-10 and, and Terry and Jason Kidd combined to miss all eight of their three-point attempts. (Dallas missed 25 of their 31 threes on the night, by the way.)

Said Kidd: "I think we got off to a good start in the first quarter. We kind of forgot all of that in the second quarter, and that's when the game shifted in the Hawks' favor. From then on, it was an uphill battle. We were able to get some stops defensively, but we just couldn't make any 3s when we needed to." But that didn't keep you from chucking them up did it, Jas?

To be fair, the Mavs were missing starters Josh Howard (sore left ankle) and Erick Dampier (swollen left knee). And I'm sure Dampier's long-range marksmanship could have tipped the balance. How's that for subtle-as-a-brick sarcasm?

Rick Carlisle: Rick Rude got tossed by Derrick Stafford with 2:46 left in the second quarter. The cause: Bitching at the officials. Said Carlisle: "I thought Dirk was being held and pushed and got fouled repeatedly. I kept asking for a foul to be called, but it wasn't. I turned to the official and just got thrown out." I'm not sure that accomplished much. Dirk finished the night with four free throw attempts...only two more than the Hawks got to shoot for Rick's double technicals.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Despite King Crab's seventh triple-double of the season (26 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists), the putative "Team of the Future" very nearly almost just about put the second blemish on Cleveland's amazing home record. It might have helped their cause if they'd done a better job pressuring the ball: The Crabs committed only 2 turnovers, thereby setting a franchise record and matching the mark set by Milwaukee against Indiana on April 1, 2006. Bonus trivia: Andrew Bogut and Toni Kukoc committed those two turnovers for the Bucks. (I know, right? I couldn't believe Kukoc was still in the league in 2006 either.)

Mo Williams: It's not so much the 12 points he scored on 15 shots, it's more that he committed both of the Crabs turnovers last night. Don't be so careless with the ball next time, Mo!

Danny Ainge: Considering all their frontcourt injuries and how unimpressive Mikki Moore has been for them so far, Ainge's lack of patience in waiting for Joe Smith to be released by the Thunder is looking more and more damning, right up there with trying to save a few million dollars by letting James Posey walk. Last night, Smith gave Cleveland 12 points, perfect 5-for-5 shooting, 3 rebounds and 2 blocked shots off the bench. And every shot he hit made me think he totally could have been this year's P.J. Brown for the Celts.

The Los Angeles Lakers: On Sunday, the Lakers blew a 15-point lead and had to rally from 6 points down in the fourth quarter to beat the Mavericks. On Tuesday, they choked away a 14-point advantage and lost to the Sixers on a buzzer-beating three by Andre Iguodala. Last night, they frittered away an 18-point lead and (thanks to a three-point miss by Kelenna Azubuike) barely held off the Warriors. And these were all home games, by the way. I know a win's a win and all that, but they aren't playing well. All things being equal, they should have destroyed Golden State. Instead, they built a cushion and then got sloppy, committing 22 turnovers for 23 Warrior points. And while they won the rebounding battle 50-42, they still let Golden State -- a notoriously poor rebounding team -- grab 12 offensive boards, despite the absence of Andris Biedrins, their leading rebounder.

Said Phil Jackson: "We talked about that yesterday. We had a list of seven items up there on the boards that were haunting us, starting with turnovers in transition plays and offensive rebounds, which are dead-giveway types of things, and understanding our rotations that we have to do when we get into screen-roll situations." Seems like that talk didn't get through. It'll be interesting to see if the Lakers get their focus back on this seven-game road trip they start on Saturday.

Ronny Turiaf: Posterized by...The Son of Walton?! Getting YouTubed by Cool Hand Luke just might earn Ronny automatic entry into the Basketbawful Hall of Shame.


Kobe Bryant: Mamba shot 9-for-25 and committed a game-high (tied with Bad Porn Maggette, anyway) 5 turnovers (compared to only 2 assists). Not a strong showing against a team that doesn't practice, play or have any regard whatsoever for defense. And was it just me, or did he look a little, I don't know, tired last night?

Lacktion report: Chris -- a little less conversation, a little more lacktion, please.

Mavs-Hawks: The Mavs' Matt Carroll bricked twice from downtown in 2:49 for a +2 suck differential. And while THE Mario West ruined a potential four trillion with a board, Acie Law laid down a 1.1 trillion as Atlanta's human victory cigar.

Blazers-Cavs: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson's double-zero jersey represents how many field goal attempts he made tonight in 6:13, fouling twice to claw out a +2 suck differential for the Crabs!

Warriors-Lakers: With Los Angeles facing the efensive-minded Nellieballers, Phil Jackson once again had the occasion to bring out a human victory cigar. But as anyone knows, the master of zen likes to one-up the rest of the Association when he can, and he did so tonight by bringing out not one, but two addictive bench celebrators! DJ Mbenga technically didn't lack it up with a block and two boards - but in 7:24, that wasn't enough to overcome a foul and three giveaways against no shot attempts for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Shannon Brown went all out as a lacktator with a brick and foul in 5:12 for +2.

Spencer Pratt: I have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, but apparently he's an actor who appears on "The Hills," which seems to be a TV show that -- and I'm just guessing here -- is probably loved by people I can't stand. Anyway, he attended the Warriors-Lakers game. It's bad enough he looks like a douche, but check out that shirt. What, does his agent insist that Spencer get paid in food stamps or something?


If I'm every making enough money to afford primo tickets to a Lakers game in L.A. and I show up to the Staples Center dressed like Bill Bixby in a 1970s episode of "The Incredible Hulk," you have permission to kill me by atomic wedgie.

Donte Stallworth: Since Footbawful is taking an offseason siesta, I have to mention this here. I never thought anybody would make Plaxico "I shot myself in the leg at a dance club and then tried to cover it up during a season in which my team was trying to defend its NFL title" Burress look not-as-stoopid this quickly. But that's what Stallworth -- who recently inked a seven-year, $35 million contract with the Cleveland Browns -- did when he struck and killed a pedestrian at seven in the morning while, you guessed it, driving under the influence. Seriously, when are professional athletes going to learn to stop jumping behind the wheel after a bender?

Labels: Ameer Ali, Dallas Mavericks, Danny Ainge, I had no idea Luke Walton could dunk, Jordan Hill, Los Angeles Lakers, Mo Williams, Portland Trail Blazers, Rick Carlisle, Ronny Turiaf

This man is wanted for criminal hyperbole and,potentially, the utter destruction of your liver.
Editor's note: I will be updating the list this weekend. Feel free to continue submitting ideas.

Loyal reader stephanie g invented this brilliant (but rather dangerous) game, the rules of which are described below. However, I must include a note of caution from the author herself: "I really don't recommend playing it though, you'd be in a coma by half time." Or by the end of the second quarter...whichever comes first. Now, onto the rules:

Take a shot if he says something along the lines of:

"He's a winner."

"He just gets it done."

"When his number is called he's ready."

"They just gotta come out and compete."

"Just because [Player A] is better than [Player B] doesn't mean he can't come out and outplay him."

"...and it's not even close."

"Momma, there goes that man."

"Excuse me, I have a meeting with the rim!"

"You're better than that!"

"GOTCHA!"

"Allen Iverson, pound for pound, is the best player in the game."

"Don't take your frustration out on the refs, take it out on the rim!"

"Come get in my poster!"

"NOT ON MY WATCH!"

"That's a grown man move right there."

"He's a knockdown shooter."

"The best player has to set the tone for this team."

"When his number is called he's ready."

"...if you come out and compete anything can happen."


Down the entire bottle if he says:

"Kobe Bryant is the best player on the planet."

Labels: binge drinking, broadcasting, drinking games, fan submissions, Mark Jackson

"Why is the insect talking to me?"
The Sacramento Kings: I love how the AP recap of this game is titled "Wallace, Bobcats beat short-handed Kings 104-88." Yes, the Kings were missing Kevin Martin (sick of how badly his team sucks) and Andres Nocioni (rabies), and then they lost Rashad McCants (who surprisingly scored 30 points) to an ankle injury late in the fourth quarter. But let's face it: This team was destined to lose no matter how many healthy bodies they had to throw at the Bobcats. When a team is stuck on 14 wins a few short days before the vernal equinox, it's long past the time for making excuses for their ongoing craptastrophe. Now, if you haven't read that Kings fan's open letter to Bill Simmons, you should. That's some serious fandom right there. I'm stunned, literally stunned, that someone could still feel that much well-reasoned passion for this pitiful squad.

Update! Ash Haque left the following comment: "So the Kings are now 0-28 games against Eastern conference teams, with games against New York and Philly left from that conference. If they go 0-30 they should get a season long Bawful award for getting shut out by an entire conference for a whole 82 game season." Done. There absolutely will be a special award given out should that happen.

Gerald Wallace: From dunkside: "In the Kings-Bobcats game, all 5 of the Kings blocks came against Gerald Wallace. And they came from 4 different Kings players. I wonder if it ever happened before that a team has at least 5 blocks by at least 3 different players and they are all against the same player. It's like a block gangbang or something. Don't get me wrong, I do like Gerald Wallace's game, but I found this funny (as in kinda weird), especially since he's pretty athletic so he should be harder to block than, say, Adam Morrison's shot." But there's a difference there. Opposing team's WANT Morrison to shoot, whereas they want to stop Wallace from doing it, so they're more likely to try and stuff Gerald than Adam.

DeSagana Diop: Dude has a serious, perhaps terminal case of Shaqnopsis. Diop airballed not one, but two straight free throws in a 4-minute span of the second quarter. He eventually did hit one (going 1-for-4 on the night), which elicited a frenzy of joy from the Charlotte crowd. He is now 5-for-24 at the line since becoming a Bobcat.

Heat-Celtics: No Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen or Dwyane Wade. I'm pretty sure that's not what ESPN envisioned when they scheduled this game for prime time. But hey, it went to overtime, so it was a good game. Right?

Bill Walker: Basketbawful reader Sturla is not a fan. "Meet Bill Walker, Suckmachine. He plays about 12 minutes against the Heat and his +/- is -24. Meanwhile Big Baby of all people is +27." Bill just needs more shots.

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers clinched their fourth consecutive losing season by getting crushed at home by the Trail Blazers. (And trust me, the game wasn't as close as the final score indicates.) Indy has now dropped four straight games, the last three of which they've lost by a combined 47 points. So much for those dreams of a postseason appearance. Said coach Jim O'Brien: "We're quickly playing ourselves out of a playoff race is what it's coming down to. I would say the last three games it did not seem like we played with an urgency that the situation calls for. We as a group have to figure out why."

By the way, the Associated Press gets a wag of the finger in this entry for stating that the Pacers had clinched a "non-winning" season. Non-winning? That's still called losing, right? Or aren't we allowed to say that anymore? Maybe I won't say teams like Sacramento suck anymore. I'll just state that they provide extreme and consistent inward force. How's that?

The New York Knicks: They scored only 89 points and lost by 26 at home to a bad team that was missing an All-Star. They missed 15 of their 17 three-point attempts. They allowed the Nets to shoot nearly 60 percent from the field. Basically, it was an all-around failfest for the Knickerbockers. Said coach Mike 'Antoni: "It's very hard to point out one thing. I thought we were horrible in every facet of the game. We just didn't play." Not-so-random note: Larry Hughes scored 10 points on 3-for-11 shooting (i.e., he is who we thought he was).

The Milwaukee Bucks: The Bucks got pounded 106-80 at home by the Magic last night, and, believe it or not, this is a team that's fighting tooth and nail to earn the East's final playoff spot. Or I thought they were anyway. Milwaukee is five games into their season-high six-game homestand...and they're 2-3 in that stretch. Coach Scott Skiles provided the following cryptic explanation for his team's latest stink bomb: "I think there's a lesson learned here for us. Most sporting events are over before they even start, based on the mind-set of the teams that are playing and the players that are playing in it." Translation: My players didn't try. And people wonder why Scott's teams turn on him. (I'm not saying he's wrong, either. Just that pro ballers don't like their deficiencies pointed out in honest ways.)

Update! Ramon Sessions or the refs (depending on your point of view): From Junior: "No comments about the play #7? For me it was goaltending, but since it wasn't called it, the play becames a ego-ectomy that Sessions will never forget and will think twice before trying a jumper in front of D12." That was a close one, so I can see why the refs blew it. (Unless, of course, it was a belated makeup call for that three-seconds violation from the Magic-Crabs game.) But, since the goaltending was allowed, then yeah, I'll go with the ego-ectomy.


The Memphis Grizzlies...or the refs? Rubes commented: "So I know it is easy to pick on the Griz. I fully expect them to be on the site each and every day. However they do not belong on your WotN list for blowing a 10-point lead at home to Denver. They played great and deserved the win, but the 4th quarter was decided by the refs. The best example is at the 2:06 mark when Balkman bear hugs Gasol. Foul? Haha of course not, it's a jump ball. Hopefully you can get video evidence." I could't. Anybody got our back on this one?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: Regarding how his team managed to pull out a comeback victory over a 17-win squad: "Defense, like it always is. Just defense. Just grinding. Buckling down. Having pride." Note that the Griz scored 109 points by shooting close to 50 percent from the field and almost 60 percent from downtown. But I guess the Nuggets approach defense the way Shaq deals with foul shooting: They play it when it counts.

The New Orleans Hornets: A win's a win, I guess. But a 1-point home victory over the Minnesota Timberpups isn't exactly a confidence-builder. And mind you, the Hornets nearly lost this game. They were down a point until David West dunked one home with 12.6 seconds left. (Randy Foye missed a 17-footer at the buzzer.) Remember, this is a team with, essentially, a one-man bench (maybe a two-man bench)...and Peja Stojakovic has been out eight games with a sore back.

Timeout entertainment gone wrong: From the AP game notes: "A Hornets employee appeared to dislocate his ankle after using a trampoline to dunk a ball during a timeout in the third quarter. His left leg was folded under him as he landed awkwardly on padding below the hoop. His foot was turned sideways as he dangled his leg and he had to be helped off the court. Team officials said they could not discuss the injury because of privacy concerns." Update! There are some gruesome pictures available for you "Faces Of Death" types.

The Houston Rockets: The Pistons were missing Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace and Allen Iverson -- although A.I. being out might have actually helped Detroit -- and it still took the Rockets two overtimes to get the win, despite a mega-game from Yao (31 points, 15 rebounds and 4 blocked shots). Speaking of which, didn't Yao just miss a game with flu-like symptoms? Nice recovery...

Box score lulz: I couldn't help but notice that, in the Pistons-Rockets box score, Knee-Mac is listed as DNP-CD. That made me laugh for some reason.

Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Drake: "Hubie Brown can't seem to stay away from unintentionally dirty quotes. From last night's Rockets-Pistons game: '...he SPLITS it, and shoots it right in Scola's face' -- talking about a replay of Rodney Stuckey's drive to the hoop during overtime, but may very well be talking about a climatic scene in some gay porno. Hubie also had another gem in double overtime which I can't remember that well. It went something like 'he scored in his defender's face.'" Man, Hubie's hits just keep on coming. (Get it?) But you can't blame the guy. Remember, he was one of the first creatures to crawl out of the sea five billion years ago or whatever. I don't think God had invented homosexuality yet, so Hubie doesn't really know what he's saying.

The Philly defense: Clifton wrote in to say: "This shot from the Suns-Sixers game looks like pickup basketball defense at its finest to me. 'I thought he was your man!' 'Naw, man. I switched off of him when Backwards Hat Guy came in.'" He's not wrong. Check this out:


Actually, there wasn't much defense played at all in the Sixers-Suns game: Philly shot 55 percent and Phoenix shot close to 58 percent. But you've gotta love these quotes from the Sixers. Philly coach Tony DiLeo said: "We tried different defenses, zones, pick and roll defenses, and it just seemed like they were scoring every time. We just couldn't stop them." (Hey, Tony, which of those defenses were you guys playing in the picture Clifton sent in?) Added Andre Iguodala: "We just never got them out of rhythm. They just kept scoring and all their guys had it going, it seemed." Yes, it sure seemed alright.

Oh, and check out this tidbit from the AP game notes: "The Suns’ average of nearly 120 points per game since the All-Star break is the best in the NBA, nearly seven points better than any other team." You just know the author wanted to write "since Terry Porter got canned" instead of "since the All-Star break." Or maybe that's just me. Note also that the writer didn't mention how many points the Suns have been giving up in that stretch...

The Washington Wizards Generals: Beaten. Again. This time by the Clippers, who still are who we thought they were but, in this case, were lucky enough to play a home game against the Wicked Worst of the East. The Other L.A. Team shot nearly 60 percent from the field. I guess you can't really expect a bunch of millionaires on a 16-win team to "play defense" or "try to win winnable games" or anything like that. I mean, next thing you'll be asking for is the moon on a stick or mega-corporations that aren't run by hordes of rich and unscrupulous douchebags. In other words, the impossible. Random quote from a reader: Sturla emailed in to say: "Who gets blown out by the Clippers in the fourth quarter by 15 points?"

Oh and hey, Basketbawful reader Andy had this to say: "Thought I'd highlight this bit from the Wizards-Clippers sucktacular (which I'm privileged enough to get on CSN): 3rd quarter, Andray Blatche is dribbling right side just past the half court line and goes behind his back, faking his defender big time. However, he proceeds to bumble his dribble around for a few seconds before throwing a lazy, crosscourt, underhand pass which is easily intercepted. Clippers going the other way throw an alley-oop to Eric Gordon, who lets it slip harmlessly between his fingers for another turnover. The Clippers also get an extra dose of suck for letting Antawn Jamison look like Magic Johnson out there in the first quarter, throwing a no-look pass and getting 4 assists (he averages 1.9 on the year). The Wizards also look like they're afraid getting anywhere near Steve Novak, who has at least 6 threes so far, only one of which I've seen contested in any way." NBA action. It's FAN-tastic.

Al Thornton, quote machine: Regarding teammate Steve Novak, who nailed six triples against the Wizards Generals: "Novak is like a video game. His shot is a beautiful thing to watch, and I am definitely surprised he is left open and unguarded so much." Al was later rumored to have made sweet, sweet love to Novak's shooting hand.

Lacktion report: Chris provided the following spoonful of lacktion to help the bawful medicine go down.

Heat-Celtics: Yakhouba Diawara took home a 3.4 trillion prize from tonight's loss at the TDBanknorth Garden -- another case of an All-Lacktion selection living up to all the expectations!

Kings-Bobcats: Spencer Hawes' three bricks and lack of rebounds in a starting stint lasting over half the duration of the game (25:18!) led to one of the more staggering Voskuhls in recent memory, a 7:2 (fouling out with a turnover against two made free throws) despite a few positive stats.

Blazers-Pacers: Travis Diener missed once from downtown for a suck differential of +1 in 9:54.

Nets-Knicks: With the Nets devastating the Knickerbockers at their home court, Chris Douglas-Roberts had a 14-point slump participating in garbage time. So Maurice Ager served as a replacement human victory cigar for the night, taking a foul and a brick for +2 in 1:42.

The real story though was Cheikh Samb's reappearance in uniform after many weeks of uncertainty following the Clippers' dismissal of the All-Lacktion choice. In a brilliant return to unproductivity, he went all out for masonry in 3:34, bricking once on the shot clock and twice at the charity stripe for a well-earned +3. Welcome back to the Association, Mr. Samb!

Magic-Bucks: Francisco Elson eked out a Voskuhl for the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit in an 11:34 appearance as starting big man, going 6:4 (five fouls and one giveaway against one made field goal and two boards).

Pistons-Rockets: Amir Johnson is starting to emerge as Detroit's favorite lacktator, tonight earning a 1.4 trillion .

Wizards-Clippers: Oleksiy Pecherov did get a rebound tonight, but that's not particularly relevant when he was busy wearing out his gamepad trying to knock out Glass Joe in Punch-Out after a 42-second Mario!

NBA.com standings fail: Rainier wrote in to say: "I didn't know the Wolves were second in the West...." Me neither. But NBA.com thinks so. I guess that's their reward for handing over Kevin Garnett to the Celtics last season.

ESPN.com front page fail: From Rob: "I just went to the ESPN NBA front page a couple minutes ago and I got kind of confused; the screen capture is attached. They corrected the error soon after, so I'm glad I got there in the nick of time." Take a look. It's funny. (Basketbawful reader -sEan also noticed this and emailed in to say: "Better signing for the Celtics: Stephon Marbury or Roger Federer? I'd say its a toss up.")

Kobe Bryant: Mamba stuffed Nermal into a box and tried to send her to Abu Dhabi.

Labels: DeSagana Diop, fan submissions, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, New Orleans Hornets, Sacramento Kings, utter defenselessness, Washington Wizards

The official 2008-09 Sacramento Kings defeat stock photo.
Thanks to Dan B. for sending in the pic.

Mindless violence: By now, most of you already know what happened to Carl Landry, but here's a quick recap in case you don't: Landry's car was sideswiped and then struck by another car. When Carl got out to inspect the damage, two men confronted him and one of them shot at him. Twice. Fortunately, he was only grazed on the left calf -- 'tis but a flesh wound! -- and so he should only miss one to three weeks of action. Look, I get the whole road rage thing. As a Chicago driver, I can't tell you how many times I've fantasized about shooting (or hanging, or electrocuting, or dropping a giant anvil on) some dude or dudette that just cut me off, but that's where it ends: In fantasy. By the way, quick quiz: Biggest douchebags on the road, BMW drivers or Mercedes drivers? Discuss.

The Sacramento Kings: After three straight near misses against the Thunder (99-98), Crabs (126-123) and Wizards Generals (106-104), Sacramento reverted to form and lost by 22 in Atlanta. Using a hybrid defensive style based on the systems employed by Doug Moe, Paul Westhead, Don Nelson and Mike D'Antoni, the Kings managed to give up 119 points on nearly 56 percent shooting. If the Hawks hadn't gotten a little careless with the ball -- they committed 19 turnovers for 29 points going the other way -- the Sactowners might have lost by 40. The defeat dropped them to 0-27 against Eastern Conference teams and 4-30 on the road this season. Said Kevin Martin: "We stopped playing together tonight, and this is happens when you play selfish basketball."

More telling, though, was this quote from Josh Smith: "We didn't want to lose to a team like Sacramento. No offense to them, but (after) beating New Orleans and Utah, teams who are on top of the Western Conference, we didn't want to let ourselves down by losing this game." Ouch.

Joe Johnson: Considering how ridiculously hot the Hawks were last night -- not to mention the fact that they were playing a patsy -- it's hard to fathom how Joe Cool shot 8-for-21 and finished with more turnovers (6) than rebounds (4) or assists (5). Maybe he didn't get a hug before the game.

Home cookin': Okay, so the Magic-Crabs game was pretty awesome and pretty intense. Too bad some lousy officiating spoiled the ending. LeBron had just put the Crabs up 95-93 with a clutch three-pointer -- in front of the Orlando bench, no less -- but the Magic were denied a chance to tie it up when Dwight Howard was called for...a three-second violation. Cleveland ball with 30 seconds left on the clock. Still, not all hope was lost for the Magic, assuming they could get a defensive stop. Of course, they did not: James was "fouled" while shooting by Courtney Lee. King Crab calmly sunk the two freebies, which pretty much sealed the deal.

And, of course, you just KNEW that Stan Van Gundy was going to have something to say about that three-second call after the game: "You won't see that call again. That, I guarantee you. You will not see, with the game on the line, a three-second call in the last 10 seconds. That's part of the reason they're 30-1 at home. They're a very good team, and when you get calls like that (expletive), you're in pretty good shape." Hey, that call was made in the last 30 seconds, not the last 10, Stan. See, this is why I hate frontrunners...

All kidding aside, Superman also spoke out against the black-and-white striped Kryptonite: "I was very surprised. I was in the lane and I got out. It seemed like their bench or their coaching staff got into the ref's ear about me being in the lane. Instead of letting the refs make the call, I guess the bench made the call."

Rashard Lewis: You know, despite those calls, the Magic had a really solid chance to steal this game. Sadly, Lewis boned it for them. He was second on the team in shot attempts but went 3-for-15, including 0-for-8 from downtown. And lest you think that he had "a" bad game, here's a quote from Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse: "In the last week (four games), he's shot 11-of-46 from the field, including 3-of-27 from three-point range, with all 3 of those makes coming in the same game. He picked the wrong time to enter a shooting slump, because with a normal Lewis, Orlando probably wins this game." Live by the three, die by the three.

Here's a little extra puzzlement from Basketbawful reader CP3 for MVP: "I was just looking at the Magic-Cavs box score in which the Cavs won 97-93. On the Magic's side, Dwight Howard took the least shots out of all the starters with 8. He made 5 of them. Rashard Lewis took 15 shots, almost double what Dwight took, and made 3 (!). Surely you'd go to the arguably best big man in the game a bit more often. The Cavs on the other hand were quite comfortable on their superstars shoulders, as he led the team in minutes, field goal attempts and makes, 3pt makes, free throw makes and attempts, rebounds, assists, turnovers, steals, blocks and points."

The Boston M.A.S.H. Unit: The Celtics were already missing Kevin Garnett, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine. Then they lost Leon Powe (who played only four minutes) after he bruised his right knee in a collision with Ben Gordon. That's five guys missing from the regular rotation, one of whom is the team's defensive lynchpin. Oh, and Ray Allen hyper-extended his right elbow and Rajon Rondo aggravated his ankle injury. Other than that, the Celtics are the picture of health. So in that light -- or should I say growing darkness -- it's not too surprising that Boston's defense utterly collapsed against the Bulls. Chicago scored 127 points, which is the most given up by the Celtics this season, while shooting 53 percent from the field. John Salmons matched his career-high by scoring 38 on 14-for-20 shooting. And down the stretch, the Bulls got a key offensive rebound (by Brad Miller), a reverse slam (by Salmons), and four layups (by Miller, Salmons and Derrick Rose). That's what typically happens to depleted teams in end-game situations...but that doesn't make it any less bawful.

Doc Rivers: Getting bounced in the last 30 seconds probably didn't help his team. But it wasn't Doc's fault. He was baited into getting tossed. Just ask him: "[Bill Kennedy] stood there and goaded me and goaded me and goaded me and stared at me. Look at the film. I actually walked away. He asked me, 'Where do you want the ball?' And I said, 'Ask them,' talking about our players. That's my right to say that, and I walked away. He stood there and stared me down and stared me down and goaded me until I turned around and said, 'What?' That's when I got thrown out of the game." Yeah, uh, Doc, I watched the game and it kinda sorta looked like there was a lot more talking going on than that. But I'm sure you were complimenting Bill on his shoes or something.

Bill Walker: From Basketbawful reader Mark L: "I was at the Bulls/Celtics game tonight. This seems WotN worthy. Upon entering the game with about 4 minutes left in the 1st quarter, Bill Walker promptly picked up three fouls. Bill goes bye-bye for the rest of the half. He came back in the game with about the same amount of time remaining in the 3rd quarter. He goes ahead and picks up another foul within 20 seconds of entering the game. (He shoulderblocked Brad Miller, then pulled back with the expression of "Oh shit, don't call that please!" all over his face) About a minute after foul numero 4, Bill picks up a technical. How, you may ask? After the whistle blew on a foul, good ol' Billy took it upon himself to try to posterize Brad Miller." Bill's basketball IQ is off the charts. But that's only because the charts don't go low enough to measure it.

The Dallas Mavericks: Richard Hamilton ("aggravated groin problem"), Rasheed Wallace (calf) and Allen Iverson (back) were all out of action. So it's not surprising that Detroit entered the fourth quarter down by 16. The Pistons then outscored the Mavs 37-23 in the final period and nearly stole the game. And this happened in Dallas, by the way. But Dirk Nowitzki was all "What me worry?" after the game: "Hey, stuff happens in this league. We'll take the wins as we can get them." And see, THAT'S the attitude that keeps Dirk from taking over the league. That general sense of This-is-good-enough-ness that just oozes out of him...and the rest of the team, for that matter. Which is why I just don't feel good about the Maverick's chances in the playoffs.

Some other numbers: Dallas outshot Detroit 56.7 percent to 42.4. So why'd they almost allow a monumental comeback? The Pistons crashed the boards for 17 offensive rebounds. It's a little thing we like to call effort.

Me: That Kevin Love sure is tearing sh*t up. He had 17 points (7-for-11) and 19 rebounds against the Spurs last night. You know, I might have been wrong about this guy...

The Washington Wizards Generals: Take a gander at these postgame comments from the Jazz. Deron Williams: "I don't think it was our best effort." Kyle Korver: "I didn't think we played particularly well tonight." Carlos Boozer: "It wasn't the prettiest game. It was a little ugly." Jerry Sloan: "That's one of the things you always have to be concerned about is are the playoffs important enough for you to go after it? We can talk about it all we want, but sometimes our effort doesn't look like that." And mind you, this was after a game in which they held the Wizards Generals to 35 percent shooting, forced 18 turnovers and won by 15. That's how bad Washington is: It feels like an abject failure when a team doesn't beat them by at least 20.

The Los Angeles Lakers: They outshot, outrebounded and out-assisted the Sixers. They just didn't outscore them. Philly overcame a 14-point fourth-quarter deficit and Andre Iguodala hit a three-point bomb at the buzzer to steal the Lakers' lunch money.


Okay, technically, Iggy had a hand in his face. But did that look like the kind of intense, game-on-the-line defense you'd expect from a championship contender? And, uh, did I mention that the Lakers had a foul to give? Said Phil Jackson: "I don't know if Trevor fully understood when I said we had a foul to use, because he did not use it. We don't like to use a foul, especially when they catch and shoot. But when you handle the ball -- and he took his time -- then it's time to use it." Whoopsie. Let's not forget, also, that L.A. let Donyell Marshall's corpse come in and nail three critical three-pointers in Philly's fouth-quarter comeback. Oh, and this was a home game for the Lakers. I'm just sayin'.

Kobe Byant: Mamba scored only 11 points and was limited to only 32 minutes of PT due to foul trouble. His other numbers: 5-for-15 from the field, 5 boards, 5 assists, 5 turnovers, 4 fouls and 3 blocked shots against. Random note: Kobe has missed 10 or more shots in 12 of the Lakers' 14 losses.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Let me get this straight. Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, Chris Kaman and Zach Randolph are finally all available...and the Clippers are still who we thought they were? Shocking. I could give you some analysis, but let's just say they played like crap and lost, okay? Here's your official postgame quote from Mike Dumbleavy: "A big game from Monta Ellis and I thought their bench killed us. They shot the ball really well; that's what they do. We didn't make them play defense on enough possessions." My favorite part of that quote is the "we didn't make them play defense on enough possessions" part. That's pretty hard to believe when a team attempts 97 shots and 36 free throws. But it's also totally true.

Lacktion report: No McDonald's commercial quotes this time. Just Chris and his continuing brilliant lacktion coverage.

Kings-Hawks: Thomas Gardner tended to his arboretum of awful stats tonight with a downtown-brick suck differential of +1 in 1:44 for Atlanta.

Magic-Cavs: After a recent slump away from his All-Lacktion form, Tarence Kinsey seems to have sharpened his pincers again, at least by ESPN's understanding (which credits him with a Mario of indeterminate length). Yahoo however doesn't seem to think that this seafood-themed non-contribution ever occurred...one of the few times that a boxscore discrepancy has ESPN showing generosity in the name of lacktators everywhere.

Pistons-Mavs: Amir Johnson fouled twice for a +2 in 1:26.

Wizards-Jazz: Ronnie Price was charged with +3 via two giveaways and a foul in 3:18.

Bulls-Celtics: Gabe Pruitt and JR Giddens are fast becoming the lacktion duo for other negative stat chasers to hunt down, as the pair pressed the on button on a sluggish R.O.B. for an eight second stint as Super Mario Brothers! (Oh, and in a sign that the C's were not playing at their best, former trillionaire champion John Salmons was the leading scorer for Chicago. No, really.)

Sixers-Lakers: Theo Ratliff's block in his 4:21 denied him a suck differential, but not a 2:0 Voskuhl after fouls. Meanwhile, DJ Mbenga threw a right hook at a piggybank filled with 1.75 trillion in currency.

Adam Waddell: This is why white guys shouldn't dunk:


Thanks to Evil Ted for the link.

Devin Harris: Only the New Jersey Nets could NOT play but STILL lose big. (Okay, I suppose the Clippers could probably do it too.) It looks as though Harris will be sidelined indefinitely with a sprained left shoulder and strained deltoid muscle. Mind you, the Nets are currently 12th in the East and their playoff odds are looking grim. (A 2.7 percent chance of making the postseason is bad, right?) And Devin, as I like to remind everybody, is the guy who said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" less than 20 games into the season. Now he won't even be around to try and make it happen. This may very well be one of the most damning stat curses I've seen in recent years.

The anti-Twitter sentiment: From Basketbawful reader dunkside: "Can I get a mention on the WotN for all those criticizing Charlie Villanueva for twittering? I mean really...how is that different from speaking to a teammate about no matter what or taking a piss? He took 2 freakin' minutes to text a message. It's not like he wasn't listening to coach Skiles. He did listen and he also ACTED on what he was being told. He took it upon himself to play better in the second half. He said 'I gotta step up' and he actually did it. And his team won. If I was Skiles, I'd tell him to twitter things like 'I'm gonna pull down 20 boards tonight' or 'I'll block 10 shots' before every game. Whatever gets him motivated. Don't you wish McGrady would have twittered 'I'll get to the 2nd round and not piss my talent away' about 5-6 years ago?"

I more or less agree with you, dunkside, but I also see the larger picture. Charlie used it as motivation. But I'm guessing that if halftime twittering caught on, not just on the Bucks or around the league, there would be lots of guys just screwing around and wasting time/losing focus/whatever. So Skiles had to make an example of Charlie to keep things from potentially getting out of hand. I've read countless stories about players making phone calls or sending texts when they're supposed to be practicing or listening or what have you. Coaches try to cut that stuff out, because most of the time it's a distraction, both for the players and his teammates. The only thing

Labels: Boston Celtics, Devin Harris, Joe Johnson, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, officiating, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Wild Yams was the first person to send in this picture of Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom holding hands and sharing a tender glance.


Then Basketbawful reader Jai took this slightly tepid bromance to epic levels of man loveness with some inspired Photoshoppery. Said Jai: "I mean, look at how lovingly Kobe is staring into Lamar's eyes...while holding hands...they look like they should be skipping around in a meadow together, or on a sandy beach or something, ala..."

Insert Little House on the Prarie theme here.
Insert Fantasy Island theme here.
Magnificent! Truly a pièce de résistance (which, as Dave Barry once pointed out, is French for "piece of resistance")! I believe that, one day, these images shall be placed alongside other classic works of art, such as Michelangelo's David, the cover of Iron Eagle IV, and whatever else you want to name...

Labels: fan submissions, Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, man love

The Toronto Craptors: They're called "motions," and the Craptors are going through them. Remember, it was less than a month ago that Chris Bosh tried to light a fire under his team by "mixing it up" with Brian Cardinal, after which Bosh said: "You have to realize nice guys sit at home and watch the playoffs. That's just how I feel, maybe I'm wrong. But if you play with intensity you're more likely to win, and you're more likely to play better basketball." Sadly, Brian Cardinal still plays for only one team -- last time I checked, anyway -- so inspiration has been hard to find. Like last night in Charlotte, for example, where the Craptors shot 38 percent and committed 24 turnovers (giving up 28 points in the process).

So here are some quick Craptor facts: First, they have lost six straight and nine of their last 10 road games. Second, they fell to 16-35 since Jay Triano took over as head coach. (Sam Mitchell, for the record, was 8-9. So, you know, maybe he wasn't the problem after all.) Third, a year after going 41-41 and finishing 6th in the Eastern Conference, they have already lost 44 games and are currently 14th in the East...30 games back of the first-place Crabs.

Jay Triano, Captain Obvious: "We just seemed to lack a lot of zip from the opening tip tonight." Well no sh*t, coach.

Marcus Banks: From the Toronto Star: "Marcus Banks is likely done for the year. Obtained in the Shawn Marion-Jermaine O'Neal trade less than a month ago, Banks is going to get some time off because of a nagging toe injury. Banks appeared in six games for a total of 40 minutes with Toronto and did not accompany the team to Charlotte for last night's game. There are no plans to replace him."

The Memphis Grizzlies: A day after halting their latest fail streak with a stunning win at Detroit, the Griz returned home and began a fresh, new skid by slipping on a few well-placed banana peels coming out of the gate. From the AP recap: "Portland built an early double-digit lead hitting nine of its first 10 shots in the game. When the Trail Blazers finally missed their second shot, it only delayed the scoring as Przybilla grabbed the offensive rebound for a dunk. The sequence dropped Portland's shooting to 83 percent."

To their credit, the Baby Bears clawed their way back into the game and got to within striking distance in the fourth, but, much like the Clippers, they are who we thought they were. And that is a team that will probably lose about 60 games by the time everything is said and done.

Darko Milicic: Okay. We all know when and where he was drafted, as well as the players who got drafted after him (one of whom leads the league in scoring and dropped 50 on the Jazz last Saturday). So I'm not going to go into all that again. What I am going to mention is his line from last night's game: 2 points (0-for-2), zero rebounds and 1 personal foul in one minute, 20 seconds worth of daylight. Okay, seriously, this isn't Bowie over Jordan, but it's pretty damn close, right? Update! From Andrei: "Just a quick addition to the Milicic bawfulness. The guy didn't get any PT last night because within a minute of being in the game he streaked to the hoop on a fast break and then strained his back on the lay-up attempt without being touched. He of course missed the lay-up as well."

The San Antonio Spurs: When you're the Spurs, and you hold your opponent to 78 points on 35 percent shooting and that opponent is the Thunder (19-48), you're supposed to WIN the game, right? I mean, San Antonio went up by 17 points in the first 10 minutes. But this is the NBA, where they continue to play four full quarters of basketball no matter how much one of the teams is behind. And you know what they say: Everybody makes a run. Gregg Popovich -- who was denied victory his 1,000th game as Spurs coach -- said: "Oftentimes, it's a coach's worst nightmare. We've all had the leads. We've all lost them because it's a game. It's 48 minutes long. There are a lot of possessions. It can happen and it does happen often. It's called basketball. It's a basketball game. It happens all the time." Yes, my friends. It's called basketball. That is why Gregg is a coaching genius.

Tony Parker and Tim Duncan: Sometimes superstars giveth, and sometimes they taketh away. Last night Parker (28 points, 7 assists) and Duncan (14 points, 12 boards) did a little of both. TP and TD combined for 7 turnovers in the second quarter, which helped field the 17-2 run that the Thunder used to get back into the game. The two of them finished with 9 TOs (5 for Tony and 4 for Tim). The Thunder, as a team, finished with 11.

The New Orleans Hornets: From super hot to super cold just like that. The Hornets had won six of eight games this month before getting hammered by the Bulls in Chicago on Saturday night. But things looked pretty good for them heading into a home matchup with the Yao Ming-less (flu-like symptoms!) Rockets. But a funny thing happened on their way to an easy win: Houston turned the tables on New Orleans, beating them by 11 points behind Luis Scola (14 points, 12 rebounds) and Ron Artest (18 points). Chris Paul was his usual spectacular self -- 29 points, 6 rebounds, 11 assists, 6 steals -- but he didn't get a lot of support from his 'mates. David West managed only 16 points (on 17 shots), Tyson Chandler fouled out with 4 points (2-for-5) and barely managed to snare more rebounds (7) than Paul. Guess we need to retract all those "The Hornets Are Starting To Assert Themselves" articles that were running a week or so ago.

Julian Wright: He finished with as many field goals (3) as blocked shots against, each of which was sent back by Dikembe Mutumbo, who at this point would make a mummy look healthy and youthful. And since I can't find any of those swats on YouTube yet, here's some bonus 'bawful from Julian's college days...



Dikembe Mutombo, quote machine: It's amazing this guy is still playing basketball. Seriously, there are "Dikembo is so old..." jokes that are older than half the guys in the league. But that didn't stop him from blocking shots and grabbing almost as many rebounds (6) in 24 minutes as Tyson Chandler nabbed in 37 minutes. And you'd better believe that finger was wagging when he returned Julian Wright's shots to sender. But Deke wasn't trying to hotdog or anything. He was trying to survive. "I've got to stop and take a breath. I'm old. I don't need to be running up and down." I guess sense of humor is one of the last things to go.

Ron Artest: Yes, he scored a team-high 18 points...on 23 shots. In point of fact, Ron-Ron missed his first 11 shots, 9 in the first half, and bonked on all 9 of his three-point attempts. That, dear readers, is textbook SWAC-ism.

And here's some bonus megalomania from Artest: "There's nobody at my position that can keep me from getting to the basket, so I have to keep that in mind." File that away with that time Ron described LeBron James as a "new and improved version of myself."

The New Jersey Nets: Giving up 38-point fourth quarter en route to a 25-point loss was bad enough, but it dropped the Nets to 12th in the Eastern Conference. They now trail the Bucks, Bulls Bobcats and even the Knicks in the (rather pathetic) battle for the East's eighth sacrificial lamb playoff spot. And now it's time for the update -- the Nets are 17-31 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

Believe it or not, the Nets outshot the Nuggets 49 percent to 45. So what happened? They were murdalized on the boards (51-31) and gave up a mind-boggling 25 offensive rebounds. No, really, my mind is boggled. Chris Andersen had more offensive boards by himself (8) than anybody on the Nets had total (Brook Lopez "led" New Jersey with 6 rebounds). I understand that the Nets were missing Devin Harris, but I doubt he would have solved their problems on the boards.

Sean Williams: In addition to missing Harris, the Nets were without Williams, who was "arrested Monday at a cell phone store in a mall in suburban Denver on accusations he got into an argument with a clerk and threw a computer monitor." Oh yes he did. The monitor was broken and a printer and signature pad were damaged at a cost of between $1,200 to $1,300. Mind you, Williams was arrested on February 15th for violating a no trespass order at Boston College, from which "he had been barred in May for reasons that BDD has declined to publically release." I have a feeling this guy isn't long for the NBA.

Lacktion report: Give me back that Filet of Chris, Gimme that Chris! (Sorry. I'm mildly obsessed with this McDonald's commercial.)

Raptors-Bobcats: With Jake Voskuhl forced to leave his warmups on tonight, the newest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity, Patrick O'Bryant, stepped on for the Craptors and delivered a suck differential of +2 in 2:52 via brick and foul, also noted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl!

Charlotte's Nazr Mohammed did make a field goal, but a lack of rebounds led to a 4:2 Voskuhl via three fouls and a giveaway in 3:06.

Spurs-Thunder: Bruce Bowen's recent resurgence in lacktivity continues with a one-foul +1 in 3:59 for Gregg Popovich's squad. Apparently this was how Popovich wanted to celebrate his 1000th game as coach, by putting Bowen back into his vintage role -- instead of actually, you know, trying to beat Klahma!?

Blazers-Grizzlies: Darius Miles definitely learned well from his early days under Donald Sterling's tutelage, as he managed to score exactly one trillion (at least by Yahoo's boxscore) for the Tennessee-based bear cubs! (According to ESPN, this acquisition of wealth never occurred.)

Kobe Bryant: He sunk my battleship.

Labels: Darko, Dikembe Mutombo, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, Ron Artest, San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

Isn't it funny how dirty the word "gesticulation" sounds? But I assure you that it's merely unintentionally dirty. Just like this picture of Tony Parker. Yes, I know it looks like he's making the universal gesture for, well, you know. But I'm sure he was just doing...something else. Thanks to Christian H for the pic, which he got it from SpursTalk.com.


Editor's note: All links in this post are SFW. Even this one.

Labels: fan submissions, I'm pretty sure he's not doing what it looks like he's doing, Tony Parker

I'm not gonna lie: I hurt. My eyeballs feel hairy. My body hates my brain...and vice versa. This must be what Kwame Brown feels like every day of his life. Anyway, here's the first-ever 100 percent reader submission post. Mucho thanks to everybody who contributed. I didn't have the energy necessary to create graphics to split up the days, so I just put things kinda-sorta into Friday-Saturday-Sunday order. I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anybody, but if I did, my total bad. Feel free to drop a line or make a comment, and I'll update the post. By the way, Shayan of Mediocre Forever provided the pic. Now, let's get this party started.

Larry Hughes: From Dr. Hank Pym: "I don't think anyone can sum this up better than Seth from the Knicks blog Posting and Toasting: "Mike Miller landed on his leg awkwardly at one point and looked ready to limp off the floor. The ball was still in play though, and Larry Hughes seized the opportunity to drive to the basket...where he got soundly stuffed by Miller. Ladies and gentlemen, a new low in aerial ego assault: The Gimp Swat."

Hopelessly naive sports reporting: From Ruben: "In this 'story' about Charlie Villanueva, Yahoo 'rumors' comes off as so naive. They don't seem to have heard about the contract year phenomenon:

Charlie Villanueva is finally living up to his potential as a first-round pick and he stands to cash in when it comes times to negotiate a new deal with the Milwaukee Bucks, according to the Boston Globe.

Since his arrival in the league, the former UConn star has had a reputation of not playing hard and has been the subject of trade rumors since he entered the league.

"This is the same kind of 'objective' reporting as the stories that say: Despite Iverson being injured, the Pistons are playing better."

James Harden: From tony.bluntana: "I realize this is college hoops and, that it'll probably get lost in the sea of weekend comments and submissions, but this is what James Harden (Pac-10 Player of the Year) said about getting his potential game-winning layup blocked by USC's Taj Gibson in the Pac-10 championship game: 'They play a unique style of defense. They play man and they guard their man.' Is that really "unique"? To play man, and actually do it?" [Mike 'Antonio wants this guy on the phone IMMEDIATELY. -Basketbawful]

The Toronto Raptors: From Jon Steinberg of Raptors Nation Online: "The Toronto Raptors: Free courtside tickets, a really hot date, and a Need for Sheed (I was looking forward to seeing his pre-game dance live) were barely enough to get me to Friday’s game at the Air Canada Centre. In what is quickly becoming the most bawful season in Raptors history, and that includes the Oliver Miller and Zan Tabak years, master playmaker Rip Hamilton racked up 16 assists leading the Sheed-less Iverson-less Pistons to a 99-95 victory over Toronto. Chris Bosh's 11-for-31 shooting didn't help the Raptors’ chances of winning or the fans' growing impatience with the much maligned star. Neither seemed to bother the 'cougar' groupie behind me who incessantly shrieked 'Go Chrissy!!' every time Bosh got a touch. The yelling, (or maybe it was the inevitable outcome?) was enough to cause a publicized Need For Weed and early exit for the young hoodlums to the left of me; they skipped out on overtime and The Crap-tors 7th straight defeat. All in all, a perfect night and I can now cross another item off my Bucket List. Watch aimless NBA team go through the motions and play out the schedule. Let's Go Raptors!"

The MSU-Tennessee championship game: From DKH: "I've got another NCAA basketball nomination. A space of about three game seconds in the MSU-Tennessee championship game produced this play-by-play"

0:11 Foul on Barry Stewart
0:11 J.P. Prince made Free Throw.
0:11 J.P. Prince missed Free Throw.
0:11 Tennessee Offensive Rebound.
0:10 Tennessee 30 Second Timeout.
0:10 Tennessee Turnover.
0:08 Dee Bost Turnover.
0:08 J.P. Prince Turnover.
0:08 Dee Bost Steal.
0:08 Foul on Tyler Smith.

"That's two fouls and three turnovers in three seconds. Special consideration to J.P. Prince for bonking a free throw that would have tied the game, as well as his turnover. Even more consideration to the officials at the game. They managed to call a blocking foul on Tenn where there was no contact, miscall a travel as a foul on MSU, and call a 5 second violation in less than 4 seconds on an inbounds pass. Further, the clock failed to start on 3 consecutive plays. This all in the final minute of the game, which was one of the most painful basketball minutes I've ever watched. All around fail."

NBA Officials #66 Haywoode Workman, #22 Bill Spooner, #49 Tom Washington: From Jenna: "I think Charley Rosen of Fox Sports said it best: 'With the fourth-quarter time-clock down to a single digit and the Jazz up by two, the refs actually stole the game from Utah with a horrible call. In a rebounding scrum, the ball clearly bounced off the shin-bone of Udonis Haslem, but the ball was awarded to the home team. Funny how neither of the Heat's TV announcers mentioned this mistake, even though several replays from several angles offered undeniable proof that the refs had erred.' Miami Heat fans send their love to Workman, Spooner, and Washington. Their outstanding efforts won the game for El Heat!"

The San Antonio Spurs: From AnacondaHL: "After holding Houston to a 15-point 2nd quarter, they allowed a 17-2 run while missing 9 of 10 of their own. And in showing the Rockets 'how to finish a game like a championship contender' (AP recap), by allowing not one, not two, but three critical offensive rebounds in the final 75 seconds and watching two three-point shot attempts to send it into overtime by a team that was shooting 7-for-14 from beyond the arc in the first three quarters."

The Houston Rockets: More from AnacondaHL: "Lucky for the Spurs, they were facing the Rockets, who were doing their best Knee-Mac 4th quarter suck impression. Another home court rally was wasted, capped by the aforementioned two missed three-pointers. But never fear, Yao had some encouraging words for this feel-good loss: 'That's a good lesson for us. We know we cannot make any mistakes in the playoffs. It's just that last couple of possessions of the game. We didn't execute, and that is the difference between the great teams and the good teams.' Or the difference between teams that can get out of the first round and teams that can't."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Still more from AnacondaHL: "Lucky for the Suns, they were facing the 'prove that your team is back by handily beating us' team. Considering the standard for success was set at 140 points, I suppose the Thunder deserve some credit for holding the Suns to only 106, including a 34-point 4th quarter (as opposed to 37 points). Nash had some disgruntled words about the team's feel-bad win: 'We didn't have a great performance, but we found a way to win in the fourth quarter, which is where we've been lacking the last two weeks.' Something about this makes me think that the Suns will not win a single overtime game for the remainder of the season."

Mavs-Lakers: From Tim P: "So I dunno if you are watching the college games today or went with NBA for some reason. I chose the Lakers-Mavs after watching the Flyers (don't say a word, yes I do watch some hockey) and after spending yesterday with a full slate of college games...I just wanted to let ya know, if you are missing this game, you are missing a chance to absolutely piss yourself laughing. The Lakers had the game in hand almost the entire time, leading by 15 midway through the third, and making the Mavs look like they were the local wheelchair/blind/women's Greek league D-League team. Than all of a sudden, Kobe and Co. decided to let Dallas go on what I believe is currently a 24-5 run. And Jason Terry has figured prominently in that, hitting three pointers at a clip that might make your precious Larry Legend wide-eyed. I'll say it for you: HAND IN THE FACE GUYS!!"

Pacers versus Raptors: Shayan of Mediocre Forever provided the following nominations:

Raptors ended their seven game skid, and on Danny Granger's first game back, he got treated to this posterization by The Matrix.

Our new addition, Pops Mensah-Bonsu scored a career-high 21 points- 4 of his 5 field goals were dunks, went 11 of 13 from the line and grabbed 8 boards.

Jim O'Brien, unintentional dirty quote: "They played a really great game. They just pounded us in every area."

The Raptors actually outrebounded a team for once, 55-38 which is a season high.

The Pacers came in two games out of the East's final playoff spot, and has now dropped three straight and four of five.

The Punchline: You ready for this? Tickets to Sunday's game, which was in Toronto, had a picture of Jermaine O'Neal on it, you know, even though he's in Miami now.

David Lee: From Brendan P: "G'day Basketbawful. I've got a WotW for ya. Check out David Lee's shot selection versus Minny and the Cavs: 11 -- count them -- 11 of his shots were blocked! That's disgraceful. I thought this was a professional basketball league?" [To add some perspective to Lee's feat, teammate Nate Robinson -- who's about three feet tall -- had only one shot blocked this weekend. -Basketbawful]

Stephen Jackson and Don Nelson: From DKH: "They both managed to get ejected on the same possession, in which Leandro Barbosa also got a layup and drew a foul, leading to six quick points for the Suns (1 tech on Jackson, 2 on Nelson). This resulted in a 20-point lead, and suddenly everyone watching knew the game was out of reach. (Actually, it was probably out of reach before Nelson's techs, and he just didn't want to be there anymore.)"

Golden State centers? GS management? More from DKH: "Someone deserves the blame for this team's utter inability to deal with Shaq. Shaq was able to operate pretty much at will in the paint, amassing 26 points on 13 shots with 4 rebounds and 2 assists. Louis Amundson also had 9 points on 7 shots, and also filled the stat sheet with 4 rebounds, an assist, three steals, and 2 blocks."

The broadcasters: Still more DKH: "I don't know who the broadcast team was for the game, but the game was also analysis-optional, as they were cheerleading for Monta Ellis, who finished with a game-worst -35."

The Golden State Warriors: From Stephanie G: "Regarding the Warriors, Hubie Brown said "they're at the mercy of Admundson now." Pretty sure this belongs on some sort of top ten signs your team is getting pounded list or something The Warriors gave up 46 points in a single quarter. 88 points in two. That's impressive. They'd have trouble doing that again if they tried. Which they weren't."

Larry Hughes: From AnacondaHL: "The Cleveland crowd could only smile in seeing a blast from the past. 6-for-17 shooting (35%) in 38 minutes, and plenty of cheers on each miss."

The New York Knicks: From AnacondaHL: "The Phoenix Suns fans watching this game could only smile in seeing a blast from the past: All starters playing 38+ minutes, getting double-digit scoring, only three bench players for 8 points total, Mike 'Antoni walking around confused with crossed arms, and a game loss."

David Lee: From AnacondaHL: "He got his ball sent back to sender five times, leading to 5-16 shooting. In other news, Basketbawful will be funding the inclusion of BA's as a tracked and sortable statistic on basketball-reference, and you can contribute to the 'Yao Watch Fund.' (Fake editor's note: This is completely awesome, but unfortunately false.)"

LeBron James, agreeing with himself machine: From AnacondaHL: "Said LeBron 'Please, please read between the lines' James in an awkward naked locker room interview: 'I feel like my individual play affects our team, and the way we're playing basketball I can agree to that.' Not only can he agree to his own words, but he has made a correlation between his strong season and the Cavs strong team record! Stunning. Do they already have a locker reserved for LeBron at MSG?"

The Phoenix Suns vs The Golden State Warriors: From AnacondaHL: "It sounded like hype, a run-and-gun showdown between two small teams with nothing to lose, but a blistering 74-72 halftime score. But you knew there'd be touble when the halftime stats were brought to you by The Fast and the Furious 4. "

Stephen Jackson: From AnacondaHL: "Why was Stephen Jackson ejected from the game?"

A) He cheated.
B) Bad referees.
C) He's crazy.
D) It is written.

The Golden State Warriors: From AnacondaHL: "Well here's the 140-point game I was looking for. Highlights include three Suns players flirting with a triple-double, a Jason Richardson revenge game (31 points on 11-15, 4-5 threes), and a Don Nelson nerd rage ejection. More fun garbage time gems in a 154-130 final, which is high enough for the highest scoring game this season -- Robin Lopez missing a dunk, and a completely errant alley-oop attempt that caused this reaction:

I'm flattered, really, but don't do that again.

ESPN360.com and Billy Mays: From AnacondaHL: "In what may be the strangest, most awkward, most amazing advertising move, ESPN360.com has launched a series of commercials featuring our favorite bearded infomercialist, Billy Mays. Here's the one they played most often:


"Now watching basketball is way less soul crushing. All can be found here."

Snickers: From AnacondaHL: "More commercial madness in garbage time, this time courtesy of Snickers, Master P, and Patrick Ewing. This...


"...was followed immediately by:


"I never thought TV would leave me speechless like the Internet, but there it is."

Friday lacktivity report: Chris endures:

Magic-Wizards: Olexsiy Pecherov technically didn't get a trillion, after accruing a rebound. But a stint of a minute and four seconds qualifies him for the not-so-latest in gaming technology, a Mario 64!

Pistons-Raptors: Talk about a highly unanticipated big man matchup - Kwame Brown vs. Jake Voskuhl! Both regular lacktators earned the same exact variant of the latter's namesake stat, a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl - Kwame via two fouls and two giveaways against three rebounds in 10:23, and Jake via three fouls and a turnover (as well as three bricks!) in 8:47.

Mr. Voskuhl himself wasn't the only one to provide a failtacular level of skill to the great anticipation of the Craptor fans at Air Canada Centre, as Joey Graham cracked a +4 in 14:30 via a foul and three bricks (including one from downtown).

Rockets-Bobcats: Cartier Martin can now afford a pair of Air Jordans, as he did his boss proud with on-court earnings of 2.53 trillion tonight.

Pacers-Hawks: Josh McRoberts may be the key to saving the financially struggling Indiana franchise, if he can convert his 1.75 trillion fortune from this evening into actual money for Larry Bird's sake. But he wasn't the only one to take a paycheck home worth that much, as Thomas Gardner stepped in to provide lacktivity after All-Lacktion notable Mario West took four boards to ruin a seven minute insomnia-curing appearance.

Knicks-Wolves: Mark Madsen's reputation for garnering Voskuhls may be a bit overstated, as he doesn't appear in the reports as often as expected. However, it's hard to overstate his latest game's impact on his forthcoming tax return, as he earned a full 5.5 TRILLION -- possibly the biggest windfall in the Association so far for the calendar year!

Mavs-Warriors: Matt Carroll's back in lacktion with a one-giveaway +1 in 2:41. Andris Biedrins's stats do add up to a Voskuhl but this seems to have been caused by an injury (and thus does not count in the books.)

Nets-Blazers: While Keyon Dooling's failtacular eight-brick performance is noteworthy, he negated lacktivity with a block and two assists. So compatriot Josh Boone stepped onto the floor to provide New Jersey a blank check worth 1.65 trillion.

Saturday lacktivity report: Chris prevails:

Bobcats-Wolves: DeSagana Diop did rebound once in his 5:01 of playing time, only to foul twice (with no shot attempts) for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Spurs-Rockets: BREAKING LACKTION NEWS! Bruce Bowen, who had marred the early promise of a trillionaire championship with many seasons of contributory basketball, was able to put up a vintage non-performance that King Koopa and Toad will no doubt be pleased with, a FOUR-SECOND SUPER MARIO!

Bowen had hinted at returning to his lacktive form in recent weeks but this stunningly brief showing as Popovich's human victory cigar rivals even that of this generation's All-Lacktion roster. Fabricio Oberto may be the Spurs' go-to man for wasted seconds, all right. He's got plenty more to learn though to truly make his name as an all-time lacktator...

Hornets-Bulls: Whenever the Notorious VDN gets the once-in-a-blue-moon chance to utilize human victory cigars, he makes the most of his opportunities. Lindsey Hunter and Linton Johnson each sucked it up for +1 in 3:26, Hunter with a brick from the heart of the Chicago Loop, and Johnson with a foul. (Anthony Roberson nearly joined them with a three-brick run, only to negate it with a board.)

Clippers-Nuggets: Alex Acker added 1.25 trillion in earnings to Donald Sterling's savings account, while in the same time period (1:15), Jason Hart missed a shot to give Denver a +1.

Sunday lacktivity report: Chris abides:

Pacers-Raptors: With a brick in his 6:18 stint, Rasho Nesterovic ended up with a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl (two fouls vs. one rebound). He wasn't the only big man to play sloppily for Indiana, as Roy Hibbert's 10:35 was marked with a 3:2 Voskuhl (two fouls and a giveaway against one made field goal).

Ironically, the man whose name graces the aformentioned negative stat, Jake Voskuhl, did not record one of his own - but in 4:37, bricked once for a +1 suck differential.

Celtics-Bucks: "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Since Milwaukee's M.A.S.H Unit proved too much of a nut for the C's to crack, they opted instead to play for the same lacktator stats that the team of Dan Gadzuric and Damon Jones have compiled at times this season. Bill Walker ambled his way to a +2 in 4:36 via giveaway and foul, while JR Giddens and Gabe Pruitt will be putting on overalls and tossing spiked Koopa shells at each other tonight, due to twin 23 second Marios!

The Bucks didn't forget their own lacktion, having Gadzuric himself foul twice for +2 in 2:08 -- also good enough for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl (as predicted by the original Voskuhl article on 'bawful!).

Blazers-Hawks: You know you're not playing winning basketball when you send out a forward (Nicolas Batum) who came within one assist of a +5 in over sixteen minutes! Of course, he didn't get there, but Jerryd Bayless did get on tonight's ledger with a +3 in 10:09 via a giveaway and TWO misses from the charity stripe.

Meanwhile, Acie Law (via a rebound and assist) and Mario West (through three rebounds) failed to deliver on lacktivity, giving Randolph Morris the chance to play the clean-up bench spot and earn a +1 in 2:31 with a turnover, also counting as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Heat-Sixers: Reggie Evans and Theo Ratliff each fouled once for +1 in their respective appearances (6:24 and 3:37). Ratliff's suck differential even earned him a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Jazz-Magic: Despite an assist in 8:08, Jarron Collins earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 (foul against two bricks).

Knicks-Cavs: Danilo Gallinari may be playing for Mike 'antoni, but against the Crabs, he certainly didn't show any extreme prejudice in favor of offense. He bricked once and took a foul for +2 in 5:47.

Clippers-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts is putting up a fine season as a lacktator, and a 47 second Mario (with a bonus brick) only highlights his All-Lacktion status further.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba wouldn't leggo my Eggo.

Labels: dear god I hurt, fan submissions, Worst of the Night

Okay, here's the deal. Some of my closest friends are coming to Chicago tonight for our annual two-day St. Patrick's Day mega-celebration. (Thank Zeus for 5-Hour Energy.) Plus, Resident Evil 5 just came out today, so I'm not going to have a lot of (read that: "any") time for the NBA this weekend. (As Stephon Marbury might put it, I'm "caught up in life.") So, here's the deal: I want to publish Basketbawful's first-ever 100 percent fan submission Worst of the Weekend.

That's right, Monday's Worst of the Weekend post will be written by you, dear readers. Here's how you can take part in this historic event: Pick one or two (or more if you're plum loco) of your favorite teams, summarize their various worsties, and then submit them to me via comment (on this post) or e-mail (to basketbawful@yahoo.com). Make sure that you specify the day (Friday, Saturday or Sunday) and the name/alias you want to go by (along with any Web site links), and please try to adhere to the basic rules of grammar, spelling and human decency (although I'm more concerned about the grammar and spelling parts). Bonus points will be awarded for subtle (or not-so-subtle) video game, professional wrestling and/or zombie references.

Now, on to Worst of the Night...

Update! Donté Greene: Via Ball Don't lie: After Green, a rookie on the Sacramento Kings, had his car filled with popcorns, he went for revenge by, as Sam Amick of The Sacramento Bee put it, "dousing the outside of [Bobby] Jackson's white Mercedes with a mixture of dog food, soy sauce and condiments that sent a stench emanating from the car and sent Jackson into a locker room rant not likely to go unresolved."


Will this end well? Not even remotely.

The San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs aren't offensive juggernauts -- they currently rank 11th in offensive efficiency -- but they regularly beat opponents with the following championship-proven formula: Defense + Ball Control + Rebounding + Clutch Execution. However, last night they couldn't defend (52 percent field goal percentage against), couldn't hang onto the ball (10 first-half turnovers), couldn't control the boards (outrebounded 42-33 overall and 11-3 on the offensive glass), and there were out-executed down the stretch.

Mostly because of those first-half turnovers I mentioned, the Spurs fell face-first into an 18-point first-quarter hole they couldn't get out of. Said Tony Parker: "We couldn't get anything done offensively, and defensively they made every shot. After that we were in a big hole, and against the Lakers it's tough to come back."

San Antonio fans: "As Bryant left the court, a few dozen fans chanted 'M-V-P! M-V-P!' in what is usually hostile territory for the Lakers." HOME COURT FAIL.

That damn "can't get up off the bench" rule: From the game notes: "Coach Phil Jackson said if Odom feels any guilt for getting suspended for leaving the bench against Portland, he shouldn't. 'Those instincts are just sometimes stronger than rationale,' Jackson said. 'It's just a cockamamie rule. It's a rule has some sense in it, but doesn't stand up all the time. It just doesn't.'" Somewhere every member of the 2007 Phoenix Suns are nodding in agreement. Speaking of the Suns...

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns have now lost six games in a row. Not only is that their longest skid mark of the season, it's their longest fail streak in the last SIX seasons. Mind you, they were at home and shot nearly 55 percent from the field...but still lost anyway. It always stuns me when a team shoots that well and loses. But that's what these Suns do. Seriously, check this out: They shot nearly 56 percent when they lost in Miami and 55 percent in Tuesday's home loss to the Mavericks.

But, as always, it was their defenselessness that killed them, and you have to think that somewhere Terry Porter is feeling validated. Sasha Pavlovic scored 11 of his 15 points in the fourth quarter, including a trio of triples. And while we're on that subject, the Cavs tied a franchise record by nailing 17 three (in 33 attempts). Mind you, they went 3-for-20 from downtown against the Clippers a couple nights ago.

The Suns are now a mere three games above .500 (34-31) and six full games behind the Mavericks for the last playoff spot in the West...and their playoff odds are looking increasingly grim.

Jason Richardson: With his team down only two points (97-95) just under nine minutes left in the game, Richardson was sprinting downcourt for what should have been a breakaway layup or an easy flush...but for some reason he attempted 360-degree spin dunk that was stuffed from behind (more on that below) by King Crab himself.


The Crabs grabbed the rebound and shortly thereafter Sasha Pavlovic hit a dagger three to put Cleveland up 100-95. As if that wasn't damaging enough, Richardson objected so strenuously that he was fouled on the play that he got T'd up. Mo Williams happily knocked down the free throw to make it 101-95. So, instead of tying it up, Richardson basically put his team down by 6 points. That was a huge swing and pretty much decided the game.

Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "Against a quality team like that, 51 wins they have, you can't afford to make mistakes like that."

LeBron James: Regarding King Crab's block, J-Rich said: "Clearly a foul, I don't care how you look at it. It's still a foul and that's bad and that a guys going up like that, especially trying to do something to get the fans going, to get hammered like that and there's no call at all, that's terrible." And you know what? He's right -- 'Bron fouled him:


So not only did he commit and uncalled foul that swung the game, LeBron made from-behind contact with an airborne player, ala Trevor Ariza, which as we've all learned is the most dangerous, reckless thing that a player can do to another player. So...where's the outrage? Where are the calls for LeBron's suspension? Anyone...? Anyone...? Bueller...?

Nope. There was no anti-LeBron indignation (outside of the Suns locker room, anyway), but there was plenty of praise. The AP game recap said: "Foul or not, it was a remarkable athletic play." And the TNT broadcasters, well, I'll let an anonymous commenter tell the tale: "I can't believe what I'm hearing...wait, yes I can. The announcers (I think it was Reggie Miller) essentially just complemented LeBron for fouling J-Rich. It was something along the lines of "LeBron didn't give up on the play and the refs awarded him by not blowing the whistle." Wow. What's even better is the foul was almost like the infamous Ariza-Rudy foul, only LeBron caught Richardson on the arm. I'm not even a Suns fan. In fact, as a Lakers fan, I kinda hate the Suns, but that's just ridiculous. I wonder what would have happened if Richardson had fallen to the ground (pretty sure the answer is "not a Flagrant 2 call)."

I guess it's only "dirty" or "reckless" when a non-superstar does it, right? You think I'm kidding. Let's watch what Dwyane Wade did to Grant Hill a couple weeks ago (thanks to DKH for the link):


Taking down an airborne player from behind -- and a player with a history of extreme fragility, no less -- is dangerous, right? Funny, but I don't remember a media storm directed Wade's way after the game. Grant Hill is made out of glass, remember, so Pookie could have killed him.

Look, I understand that opinions are going to differ, and that's fine. But all I ask from the people who have been going after Ariza -- and I'm talking about the pros and the experts as well as the fans -- is a little consistency. If you're going to blast a scrappy, hustling role player, then go after everybody who does the same thing.

Laction report: Here's a brief lacktion update from our good buddy Chris:

Cavs-Suns: With both Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson and Tarence Kinsey ordered to stay in their shells tonight, JJ Hickson was called in a pinch to be the evening's human victory cigar. Hickson's own skills of solitude were rewarded with a 1.95 trillion!

On the other hand, Phoenix's Jared Dudley did right for lacktion followers everywhere with a brick-from-downtown +1 suck differential in 7:04.

Jim Cramer: The "Mad Money" host got pwned by John Stewart last night. Here's one part of Cramer's on-the-air emasculation.


The moral of this story: Don't trust CNBC.

Value Village: A couch they sold to a woman, one Vickie Mendenhall, had what we call in the software industry "an undocumented feature." The UF was...a live cat. According to the story: "Mendenhall contacted Value Village, where she bought the couch, but the store had no information on who donated it." Okay, so maybe this WotN should have been aimed at the mysterious donator. Whoever you are, there are easier ways to get rid of unwanted pets. They involve burlap sacks and nearby bodies of water. Or donate them to the government, where they will be implanted with bionics and used to fight crime.

Candadian jails: True story: "Six high-risk prisoners escaped a Canadian jail last summer after spending four months chipping a path to freedom with nail clippers and other makeshift tools, according to a government report released on Thursday. ... While some inmates played cards at a carefully positioned table to block the guards' view, others chipped away at the wall, finally breaking through with a steel shower rod. They then used braided blankets and bed sheets to scale a wall of the compound and escape. 'Idle hands are the Devil's tools,' said the Saskatchewan government report, referring to the fact that prisoners at the Regina Correctional Centre had little to do in the unit, which was built in 1964 and housed prisoners awaiting court dates. 'They tend to gravitate towards doing whatever they can get away with.'" You mean like ESCAPING FROM PRISON?!

But here's the money shot: "The report said at least 87 prison workers had supervised the six prisoners' unit without detecting the escape preparations. Some guards had suspected something was being planned, but they did not interview the prisoners." If all it takes for high-risk inmates to escape a Canadian prison is some nail clippers and a shower rod, they could probably take over the country with some garden tools and a Rainbow Brite doll.

Kobe Bryant: From Basketbawful reader Rich M.: "For your next Daily Kobe, may I suggest to quote NBA.com's Rob Peterson on his Daily R2MVP Blog? 'On Wednesday, Kobe cured his boredom by stealing Ron Artest's lunch money. Then Kobe handed Artest his lunch. And then Kobe knocked the tray out of Artest's hands. He's a mean one, that Kobe, on the court.' Maybe he's been reading your blog for inspiration?" The Basketbawful movement continues to to move along, like a creeping rash...

Labels: Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, submission request, Worst of the Night

By now, you've probably heard all about Zach Randolph's latest bastardization of basketball. (For further reading, go to ClipperBlog or see Bill Simmons' A dumbfounding night in the 'Dumbleavy Era'.) It boggles the mind and bends the imagination. So what's the deal? Is Randolph selfish, stupid, or just a hopelessly overconfident SWAC?

Or...could it be that we're looking at this whole situation the wrong way? Maybe Z-Bo perceives the world in a way we can't comprehend. Perhaps Zach got caught in an Intrinsic Field Subtractor -- ala Dr. Manhatten from The Watchmen -- and became a kind of a quantum NBA player, and his corresponding inability to perceive time in a linear fashion has caused him to grow increasingly distant from his team, the league and humanity in general. And that kind of cold and remorseless indifference would certainly explain his bizarre shot selection...

Labels: bizarre shot selection, gratuitous comic book references, Mike Dunleavy Sr., The Watchmen, Zach Randolph

Editor's note: My good buddy and co-Basketbawful founder Statbuster did me a ginormous favor by writing the first seven entries for today's post. Thanks, dude! Also, make sure you take a look at our last word on Rudy...

Shawn Marion: The Sixers' Thaddeus Young dropped a career-high 29 on the Matrix tonight, and Marion topped it off with a game-worst plus/minus of -27. This is on top of 20 points from Kyle Korver and 31 from Al Harrington in the last 3 weeks. And for you advanced statologists, Marion's D-Rating (points allowed per 100 possessions) is at a career-worst this year. His scoring slide is no secret at this point, but whether it's age or apathy, Marion is not clamping down like he used to. If the 2005 version was The Matrix, the 2009 Shawn Marion is Matrix Revolutions.

Coaches who are dead inside: The secret to coaching a 15-win team is to never get your hopes up. Chris Paul had a triple-double against the Wizards, which included a Throw-Your-Hands-Up-In-Futility-style shot in the second half. After which, coach Ed Tapscott said: "I think he was saying to me, 'Keep trying, Coach. You might find something that'll stop me.' I'm looking in my pocket, thinking to myself, 'It’s just about empty right now, Chris.'" But, aw shucks, these front row seats are swell.

Sean Marks: The Wizards center received a DNP, but it's not the flu. It's flu-like symptoms, Which may or may not include beersomnia, excessive gas, laziness, and/or mud butt.

Andrei Kirilenko: Was the 2004 All-Star Game that long ago? Andrei spent most of the Jazz-Hawks game watching second-round pick CJ Miles steal his PT. And even when he did play, he didn't play. 4 points and 3 boards in 20 minutes, and the second-worst plus/minus of the night (-11). It could be worse. If they let him sing the Russian National Anthem before the game, Hacksaw Jim Duggan would have attacked him midway through the second verse.

Allen Iverson's legacy: Escaped another nut punch on Wednesday, thanks to the Pistons not winning again while he's out. Detroit lost to the Knicks despite having 4 starters with +20 points. AI's best years were when he was surrounded with role players that were perfectly content playing selfless defense and not shooting. The Pistons aren't that team. If we later find out that the Pistons hired that lady from Misery to "treat" AI's injury with Novril and a sledgehammer, don't be surprised.

NBA "Officiating": Sometimes traveling calls are only inconsistent, other times they aren't even trying. Wait...did D-Wade pick up his dribble outside the top of the key?!

The Starbury Comeback Tour: Rajon Rondo is out with a sore ankle, so Starbury got the start against the Heat. He lived down to expectations by going 0-for-6 with zero points in 24 minutes. That brings his five game total to 3 FGs, 9 turnovers and 9 fouls in 88 minutes. Much like the Steve and Barry's stores that used to sell his shoes, Starbury's box scores are now just empty and sad.

The Chicago Bulls: They were beaten about as soundly as a team can be beaten. They barely avoided season-lows in scoring (79) and field goal percentage (31.4). They bumbled the ball away 18 times that the Magic turned into 21 bonus points. Mind you, Rashard Lewis (Orlando's second-leading scorer) went 0-for-9 and Hedo Turkoglu (the Magic’s third-leading scorer) didn't even play. And the Bulls lost by 28. Yeah. It was that bad.

Things actually looked pretty good for Chicago when Dwight Howard got benched in the first quarter after two quick fouls. But his sub, Marcin Gortat, OWNED the Bulls over the last five minutes and 19 seconds of the quarter. I'm being completely serious. He scored 8 points on a tip-in, two layups and a nine-foot jumper. He grabbed 5 rebounds. Three of those boards were on the offensive end; one led to his tip-in and he tossed another out to J.J. Redick for a 28-foot three-pointer that gave the Magic a 24-11 lead with 59 seconds left in the quarter. It's like the Bulls forget he was on the floor.

Said Gortat: "I really don't care if they respect me or not. I'm just going to try to punish them and do my job. If that was one of the reasons why, if they disrespected me today, that was one of the reasons they lost." He's not wrong. Gortat finished with 13 points (6-for-8) and a game-high 15 rebounds (not to mention a game-high 5 offensive boards). Keep in mind that he averages 3.2 points and 4.0 rebounds per game.

Oh, and Orlando's bench contributed 56 points...only 23 fewer than the Bulls scored in the entire game. Ugly, awful, dreadful game.

Tyrus Thomas: Two of his 13 shots were attempted in his range, by which I mean, at the basket. The other 11 were jumpers from 23 feet, 20 feet, 19 feet, etc. WHY IS TYRUS THOMAS SHOOTING JUMP SHOTS?! This man is driving me crazy. He's having a love affair with his jump shot, only his jump shot is like a secret girlfriend who doesn't really exist. In addition to going 4-for-13 from the field -- and his 13 shots were a team-high, by the way -- Tyrus finished with only 5 rebounds (none of which were offensive) despite playing a game-high 37 minutes. At one point in the third quarter, he lofted yet another balky jumper (from 20 feet) and immediately started lazily backpedaling despite the fact that the shot was pretty clearly off target. He never crashed the boards. He was totally lost on defense, particularly in pick and roll situations. Derrick Rose got picked by Ty's man three times in the third. Not once did Tyrus switch off, and Rose's guy, Rafer Alston, strolled in for three uncontested layups. Each time, Derrick turned, disgusted, to the sidelines and held up his hands in a "Are you watching this crap?" gesture to Vinny Del Negro.

I wonder if there's any way John Paxson can trade Thomas for Gortat, straight up.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Fail, noun, a word that describes what it means to lose by 25 to a team that had been riding the awesome wave of a 10-game losing streak.

Kevin Love, spread-the-wealth machine: Check out this juicy bit from the AP recap: "Love had 19 points, 11 rebounds and a career-high four assists..."

A career-high? Really? Remember, this is the guy who's NBA.com Draft Report said: "...his vision and willingness to pass out of the post are unparalleled for a player his age, making him one of the best passing big men at any level." Considering his rep for distributing the rock, 4 assists seems a little low for his career-high. But I checked the game log, and that number is correct (although he also had 4 dimes against the Pistons on January 28).

Still, I'll eat a little crow and admit that Love is turning out to be much better than I gave him credit for earlier this season. And he sure showed up O.J. Mayo last night.

Ron Artest: Wild Yams, who had quite the busy day commenting on Blockfrombehindgate at TrueHoop yesterday, had this to say about Ron-Ron: "Ron Artest deserves a mention in tomorrow's WotN. Not only was he horrendous on offense (4-for-16 for 11 points, including 0-for-8 from three-point range, along with 5 fouls and 6 TOs), but he got into Kobe's face in the fourth quarter and trash talked him, and this seemed to spur Kobe on to taking over the game and eventually giving the Lakers the win. Kobe was predictably humble after the game: "It wasn't much of a battle. I kicked his ass tonight. We've had some battles in the past and he's gotten the best of me a few times. Tonight, I got the best of him." He also said Artest had never talked trash to him before and that "he should know better." Probably even worse than just getting Kobe mad though, Artest tried to do way too much on offense, and this ended up taking the ball out of the hands of flamethrower-hot Von Wafer, who made all six shots he took in the 4th quarter. Meanwhile, Artest was 1-5 in the fourth quarter, along with 3 fouls, 1 technical and 2 turnovers (also all in the 4th quarter). On the other end of the floor, during the game's final seven minutes, Artest let Kobe score 18 of the Lakers last 23 points, thus enabling the Lakers to overcome a 14 point 2nd half deficit to win. Way to single-handedly sink your team, Ron-Ron."

This entry would not be complete without a little video:



George Karl, history buster: From the AP recap of the Thunder-Nuggets game: "Denver's win guaranteed Karl his 17th straight non-losing season. He surpassed Red Auerbach and Jerry Sloan for the third-longest such streak in NBA history, trailing only Pat Riley (19) and Phil Jackson (18-active)." Okay. Red Auerbach, Jerry Sloan, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, George Karl. One of these things is NOT like the others...

By the way, typing out "Thunder-Nuggets" made me chuckle. Say it out loud. It's fun.

Robert Swift versus Chris Andersen: Basketbawful reader Eric G. wrote in to say: "Wow. Robert Swift and the Birdman are in the Thunder-Nuggets game and they're guarding each other! Has there even been a more tattooed scrawny, lanky, tall, white guy matchup in NBA history? Maybe they look less ridiculous because they're standing next to each other?" I cannot find a picture of this epic duel. Please, somebody help me out!

By the way, neither man could contain the other: Birdzilla scored 10 on 5-for-6 shooting (to go with 5 rebounds and 4 blocked shots) and Swift erupted for 10 too (on 4-for-5 from the field). You can't stop them, you can only hope to contain them they go to a tanning bed.

Bonus lulz from the AP recap: "That left the Nuggets without much of a bench beyond swingman Chris Andersen, who strained his right calf when Robert Swift toppled over him while they were going for a loose ball with 9:37 left before halftime." I love this game!

Vince Carter: I losing to the Warriors in Golden State, the Nets failed to make a move in the standings and remain two spots out of the playoffs despite the recent struggles of the Bucks and Bulls. And I'm going to put this 4-point setback on Vince Carters saggy shoulders. He scored 14 points on 5-for-18 shooting against a team that hasn't played defense in, what, three or four years? Vinsanity was 1-for-4 on layups and 4-for-13 on his jumpers. He also had more fouls (4) and turnovers (3) than rebounds (2) or assists (2). Dude, if you can't pad your stats against the Warriors...

Lacktion report: Speaking of helping me out, Chris continues to provide his daily lacktion expertise:

Raptors-Sixers: Two of the Little Three of Lacktivity finally were told to dress in game clothes for the Craptors, yet only one delivered. Patrick O'Bryant was well on his way to a three trillion, only to make his prehistoric check (in tablet format!) worthless with a board. Jake Voskuhl on the other hand professed his love for Princess Peach with a 2-second Super Mario -- which both ESPN and Yahoo claim was worth a +/- mark of a staggering -15!!!!

Kareem Rush did give the Sixers some lacktion of his own, giving up the rock once and tossing a brick for a suck differential of +2 in 2:26. (Speaking of Philadelphia-based part-time lacktators, Royal Ivey apparently admits that his current role with the team isn't "glamorous" at all. Well, this is what happens when you slump into contributory basketball and out of the Internet-wide recognition of a All-Lacktion roster spot...)

Hornets-Wizards: Hilton Armstrong loved the accommodations at the Verizon Center, actually scoring one field goal. However, with a giveaway and two fouls in 8:12, that was not enough to avoid being billed for a 3:2 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Knicks-Pistons: Arron Affalo can't wait for his never-been-opened copy of Paperboy to arrive at an Oakland County mailbox, as he gave the home team a 7-second Super Mario! And in good news for the lacktion enthusiasts of the world, according to ESPN.com, Mike D'Antoni has picked up Cheikh Samb in his quest for 7 seconds or less of contributory ball -- so does that mean he will be sporting a Knicks jersey for the All-Lacktion Game? Stay tuned.

Grizzlies-Wolves: Chris Mihm may no longer be near the glitzy world of Hollywood, but his life amongst the rich and famous has prepared him for wealth acquisition like none other, as he gave the bear cubs a 1.2 trillion bounty!

Paul Pierce: This is a little retroactive but worth it: The Truth high fives some Celtic fans and then abruptly stops when he gets to the kid in the LeBron jersey. Cold. (From Barstool Sports via Ball Don't Lie.)

Labels: coaches who are dead inside, Ron Artest, Sean Marks, Shawn Marion, Worst of the Night

I agree with Bawful. The NBA is full of wusses. Here's how the fight would have gone down in 1991. The following photos are 100% accurate and scientifically proven, just like the definition of "dirty".


ROUND 1
FIGHT!

Ryu Ariza uses a Shoryuken on Vega Fernandez, which warrantsa flagrant 2, or at least accusations of being a cheap n00b.
After the battle comes the gloriously awkward taunting statements:

DVD Bonus: It was between this and Zangheif's"Next time we meet, I'm gonna break your arms!"
A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!

BLANKA ROY MUST ESTABLISH DOMINANCE!
You all can now take "dead horse thoroughly beaten" off your checklist of things to do today. And no, I am not implying the Lakers are invincible because I chose Ryu to be Ariza.

Kobe Bryant: He forced Trevor Ariza to cosplay as Ryu. And Adam Morrison as Ken. And Luke as Chun-li. Then sent them to a yaoi fangirl's house (Luke was sent back and had to walk home in costume). And then he ate a kitten.

About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, drop their chances lower and lower to make the '09 playoffs. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, googling tutorials on how to use GIMP, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson (Go America! Tevatron, represent!), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: everyone shut up already, fan submissions, Rudy Fernandez, Street Fighter, Trevor Ariza

When someone is as abnormally large as Shaq, it's really quite normal for various and sundry items to get trapped in their living room-sized armpit. You know, like lint, articles of clothing, small rocks, forest animals and even Mike Bibby. Case in point:

Memo to Shaq: It's NOT a TOO-MAH!
Many thanks to Dan B. for this blast from the past.

Bonus material: This image came from an SI.com slideshow called Shaq Speaks His Mind. The quote that accompanies the picture is: "Any Cub Scout [Bibby] with Boy Scouts [the Kings] can do Boy Scoutish things. But when the [bleep] was in the Cub Scouts, he was a Cub Scout. When the [bleep] was in Vancouver, nobody hears about his punk [butt]. Now since he's on Sacramento ... That's some [mess] that he's on the team."

First class all the way. Other choice quotes include Shaq referring to the Admiral as "Punk Ass David Robinson" in his magnum crapus Shaq Talks Back (now available at Amazon.com for as little as one penny!) and his rebuttal of Phil Jackson, who had the audacity to question Shaq's work ethic during his stint with the Lakers: "How can Benedict Arnold be reliable in what he says?" (And to think, Shaq once referred to P-Jax as "My white father.")

Labels: Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes, fan submissions, Mike Bibby, Shaq

The Indiana Pacers: Memo to Jim O'Brien: It's probably best not to coat your players' hands with PAM -- America's favorite cooking spray! -- prior to the game. Case in point: The Pacers committed 22 turnovers (including 14 in the first half) last night. And let's face it: You're not going to beat the red-hot Jazz when you give them 22 extra possessions that lead to 26 bonus points. Said Jarrett Jack: "It's disappointing, mainly because we beat ourselves. We really killed ourselves in the turnover department." I really don't want to know about you beating yourself, Jarrett.

By the way, Troy Murphy continues his hot play. Last night he grabbed a game-high 13 rebounds, scored a team-high 23 points, set a Pacers franchise record for defensive rebounds in a season (605) and nearly tied a franchise records for most three-pointers in a game with 7 (Reggie Miller holds the record with 8 threes in a game, something he did twice.) Murph's been playing well all season, but he really picked up his game after Danny Granger went down. In that 10-game stretch, Troy has scored 20+ points six times (and 19 once) and hasn't had a game in which he failed to reach double-digits in rebounds (including one 21-board outing). So, uh, where are all those people who mocked me for bragging Murph up a few weeks ago?

The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit: The Knicks arrived in Milwaukee having won only 7 games on the road this season. The Bucks, who are in the midst of a six-game home stand, needed to win this game to hold onto the eight spot in the East. And if they'd only contained Larry Hughes, they probably would have done it. But, alas, they could not contain Big Shot Larry, who scored a season-high 39 points on 13-for-20 shooting (including 5-for-8 from downtown). Said Charlie Bell: "Everything he threw up at the basket -- hand in his face, wide open -- he was making everything. You've got to give credit where credit is due." No, I don't. This is Larry Hughes were talking about.

Anyway, Bell added: "We didn't play like we wanted to be in the playoffs. There's a lot of games left, but if we don't turn it up, we're going to be on the outside looking." You mean like you are right now? Get used to that feeling, Charlie.

Richard Jefferson: With Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut out, Jefferson should be the Bucks best remaining player. On paper, anyway. Last night he shot a Larry Hughes-like 3-for-16. (Are we sure their wasn't a mind-swap before the game?) When you're the team's go-to guy, it's usually a bad sign when you have more turnovers (5) than made field goals.

The Knicks' butter fingers: They somehow managed to pull out a rare road victory despite 22 turnovers, 7 of which slipped through the fingers of Nate Robinson.

Speaking of the Knicks, Basketbawful reader Brendan P. wrote in to say: "Is New York where NBA Center's go to die? Last year the Knicks, as a team, recorded 213 blocks, good for ninth worst of all time. With Renaldo Balkman leading the way with 30 and 'centers' David Lee and Eddy Curry tied for second with 29 each. Josh Smith and Marcus Camby had more blocks by themselves that season!! They also own 5 of the worst 10 blocking seasons since 2000-2001. How the hell is this possible?!" I did some checking and the Knicks are once again last in the league in that category, stuffing a mere 2.3 shots per contest. They have 146 blocks on the season...which means they'll have to swat 67 attempts in their final 19 games just to tie last season's mark. That breaks down to 3.5 BPG, or 1.2 BPG above their current average. Not gonna happen, methinks.

But wait, there's more! The all-time worst total is 169, set by the 1998-99 Chicago Bulls. Second worst is 193, set by the 1998-99 Washington Wizards. The Knicks are on pace to fall between those two teams with 189. But here's the thing: Both of those records were set in the lockout-shortened 50-game season. So no matter what the Knicks do, it looks like they're going to set an all-time worst for an 82-game season. I'll be keeping an eye on this...

The Phoenix Suns: Last night's home loss to the Mavericks -- who themselves hadn't won a road game since February 2nd -- was a veritable dagger in the heart of their playoff hopes. They now trail Dallas by 5 games in the race to be put out in the first round by the Lakers. And, according to John Hollinger's playoff odds, they have a 28.8 percent chance to stumble into the postseason. I'm not an ESPN-accredited mathemologist, but shouldn't that number be closer to zero? Anyway, it's a bad sign when a team shoots 55 percent and commits only 10 turnovers at home in what was pretty much a must-win game and loses anyway. Of course, I'm eyeballing the 9 missed free throws and comparing them to the 5-point final margin. Note that The Big I Make Them When They Count went 3-for-7 from the line. Memo to Shaq: THOSE COUNTED.

Watching this one, I couldn't help but wonder whether things would have gone any differently for the Suns as of late if Amare had been around. They've lost a lot of close games lately: By 6 at Miami, by 4 at Houston, by 5 at San Antonio and by 5 last night. But the thing is, their offense has been as potent as ever. It's their defense that has been dooming them. And, frankly, I can't see Amare having an impact on the defensive end. But who knows?

The Sacramento Kings: Facing the still Kevin Durant-less Oklahoma City Thunder at home, the Kings promptly sunk to the occasion, committing 24 turnovers that led to 21 bonus points for their foes. It was OKC's fifth road win of the season. I guess the Kings just love giving! Despite the fact that Kevin Martin missed the final 15 minutes of the game with a sprained ankle, Sacramento still had a chance to tie the score with 5 ticks left. But Andres Nocioni shot an airball despite being wide open. Thabo Sefolosha was fouled and hit both foul shots, but Rashad McCants nailed a triple with 1.2 seconds left. Jeff Green threw the ball away, which gave the Kings possession and a chance for a miracle finish...but of course their final half-court lob hit nothing but the floor. Said Bobby Jackson: "We did a lot of good things, but we did a lot of bad things, too. We had a lot of turnovers, forced turnovers. We were throwing the ball and not taking out time. If we didn't have those 22 turnovers, we definitely would have won the game." Whatever. At 14-50, they once again have the league's worst record.

The Los Angeles Clippers: 19 points. The Clippers led by 19 points in the fourth quarter. At home. But hark, dear readers! I have told you over and over that they are who we thought they were, and the truthiness of that statement was scientifically proven last night as the Clips got outscored 35-16 in the final period and lost 87-83. That there's the textbook definition of "fourth quarter collapse." Yeah, yeah, I know LeBron crab-dribbled his way to a triple-double (32 points, 13 rebounds, 11 assists). But still...19-point fourth-quarter leads are pretty tough to lose. Unless your the Clippers AND you're being coached by Mike Dunleavy Sr. That's like chasing a shot of kerosene with Drain-O.

Update! Zach Randolph: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! The Dreaded Z-Bo strikes again. You know the history. But Zach, he's not going to learn, not when he thinks "history" is a Michael Jackson album that featured a video in which Jacko got mostly naked with his cover wife. (Don't worry; the link does NOT lead to a picture.) Anyway, I'll let Kevin Arnovitz of ClipperBlog tell the tale:

This game ends for the Clippers the way it begins — with a Zach Randolph airball from 27 feet. What do the Clippers want, down two points with a hair over six seconds remaining? According to Mike Dunleavy, "We ran a side out-of-bounds play to try to get the ball into Baron." That appears to be the intent: Baron starts along the baseline, with Randolph, Novak, and Thornton in a sort of line set across the stripe. Al, who’s farthest from the inbounder [Gordon], runs to the front side around Randolph/Varejao and Novak/Pavlovic. Meanwhile, Baron sprints up from down low, trying to shake loose of LeBron around the Randolph/Noak stack. Baron tries to split them, but the whole ordeal is clumsy -- LeBron actually beats Baron around the screens, making any attempted inbounds pass to Baron impossible. Eric is stuck. He could go to Thornton on the near side wing, but Williams -- who’s guarding him -- has cut off that angle. Finally, Randolph steps toward the sideline to receive the ball from Gordon. When he does, Eric steps onto the court and asks for it back, only Randolph never looks at him. Never looks at anyone. With the court spread, there’s an nanosecond when you believe Zach might just want to take Varejao off the dribble, but that notion dissolves pretty quickly. Instead, Randolph takes a couple of dribbles, then elevates to launch the shot with exactly 5.0 seconds left. His teammates are perplexed. Al Thornton drops his arms, then after the whistle is blown, looks back as if to confirm he saw what he thinks he saw, then turns around in disgust. Baron looks angry and Eric bemused. 1.6 seconds remain. When Cleveland inbounds the ball, Mo Williams is fouled with 0.00.6, and sinks both FTs, which ices the game.

Zach Randolph: Is he the Devil? Or just the prototypical Clipper? Discuss.

Baron Davis: From the AP recap: "An unofficial stat the Cavaliers have been keeping this season on James is chasedowns -- breakaway layups by opposing players that James hustles upcourt to swat away from behind at the last instant. James recorded his 17th such rejection, denying Baron Davis with 6:49 left in the first quarter after Davis intercepted his errant pass and bolted with it." Ego-ectomy. You want video? We got video:


Fred Jones: This will, of course, be noted in the lacktion report, but Freddy logged over 14 minutes of daylight and contributed...one missed shot. Period. That's it. I'm not sure what irks me the most: That he was so lacktive -- 6:15 of his PT occurred during The Other L.A. Team's horrific fourth quarter -- or the fact that his one lonely field goal attempt robbed us of the first recorded 14 trillion.

Lacktion report: The search for lacktion, via chris, continues...

Jazz-Pacers: Jerry Sloan seems to like mixing up his lacktion choices, as Jarron Collins, Ronnie Price, and Kyrylo Fesenko have remained in their warmups in recent games. Instead, Sloan has molded Matt Harpring his fourth option for lacktivity, filling his 4:43 of floor time with two bricks, a turnover, and a block against to string up a +4 suck differential.

Bobcats-Spurs: Charlotte's Sean May milled a brick for a +1 in 1:16, but the real story had to be the most overpaid bench player in some time, $3 million-a-year Fabricio "Oh Boy!" Oberto. Gregg Popovich apparently wants to have a gold-plated Excite Bike cartridge in his possession as Oberto spent only TWO SECONDS on the floor for a Super Mario! Somehow, Oberto was able to miss from downtown in such a brief segment of 8-bit harmony.

Mavs-Suns: Dallas' James Singleton earned two fouls for a +2 in 2:28, while the Suns have gotten themselves a bit richer in their run away from a playoff spot, as Jared Dudley brought home a 1.85 trillion fortune. His wealth-seeking performance came alongside Gord Dragic's melodramatic +2 in 4:29 via brick and giveaway.

Cavs-Clippers: In front of a sellout crowd -- the first one this year that didn't involve their de facto landlords at Staples, the Lakers -- the Clips prepared the human victory cigars as they had boiled the Crabs in the first three quarters by a shocking score of 67-52. Yes, a fifteen-point lead. And they were able to extend it to a nineteen-point advantage in the fourth!

So Mike Dunleavy spared no time in rummaging Donald Sterling's bargain bin for old Gamecube CDs, as Mardy Collins earned a SUPER MARIO of a mere 8 seconds! (He also racked up a suck differential of +2 via one foul and a brick from downtown.) Then he had Fred Jones spend 14:09 on the court, which was enough for a +1 suck differential via a missed three of his own.

And just as the Angelenos were preparing for a seafood dinner...the crustaceans snapped back with a 35-16 run in the 4th quarter to win by four, with Los Angeles's other team not even reaching 90 points! Seems like Dunleavy and Sterling channeled Jack Kent Cooke and had an L.A. basketball team celebrate a little too early, allowing the Eastern Conference team they were hosting to take the victory instead! Failtacular!

Kobe Bryant: Mamba filled Adam Morrison's shoes with whipped cream and thumb tacks -- again while Adam was watching -- and then Kobe made him practice in them.

Labels: Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Troy Murphy rocks, turnovers, Worst of the Night

Dwyane Wade: I waxed poetic about Wade's amazing game at By The Horns, but now I'm gonna vent. What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?! The Bulls played one of their best games of the season, but Wade went all God Mode on them, scoring 48 points on 15-for-21 from the field [!!] and 5-for-6 from downtown [!!!]. And let's talk about those threes. One was a 32-footer to beat the halftime buzzer. One tied the game with 11.5 seconds left in regulation to force overtime. And his final triple -- which came off a steal that robbed the Bulls of their final possession and a chance to win it at the end of the second overtime -- was a crazy running lightning bolt of a buzzer beat that won the game. This wasn't just crazy, it was crazy-insane. Seriously. Just watch this:


That is not fair. I can think of only a handful of ways Wade’s game could have been more epic: If it had come against the Cavaliers, Celtics or Lakers; if it had happened in the playoffs (preferably a seventh game); if he had simultaneously saved all the children and a puppy from a burning orphanage; or if it had caused the fall of the Dark Lord Sauron’s tower of Barad-dûr. I'm not sure what else the Bulls could have done. It's awfully hard to gameplan against fate.

Bonus footage: Let's hear what Wade had to say about his deus ex machina game:


Ben Gordon: It's hard to fault a guy who almost outdueled Dwyane Wade in one of Wade's most epic performances to date. BG finished with 43 points (14-for-23) on the strength of 8 (out of 11) three-pointers. But he had a pretty big goat moment. The Bulls were up 103-101 at the end of regulation when Miami was forced to foul Gordon with 20.7 seconds left. BG bonked the first foul shot and then hit the second, giving Chicago a 104-101 lead that was in no way safe. As amazing as Wade is, even he can't hit a four-pointer, since such a shot doesn't exist. But a clutch three? No problem. All I could think of afterward was "What if Ben had just hit that damn free throw?!"

Tyrus Thomas: Remember this guy? Yeah, neither does Vinny Del Negro. He used to play for the Bulls, but not anymore, apparently. Brad Miller got 46 minutes of daylight. Tyrus "I thought he was the future" Thomas, on the other hand, played only 22 minutes, contributing 4 points (2-for-5), 5 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 4 fouls. Miller's arrival is causing Tyrus to fade, like a foul vapor. Of course, Tyrus didn't help his cause by getting into foul trouble and then picking up a technical with 2:28 left in the third quarter. The reason? He threw his gum at an official after picking up his fourth foul. Not a good idea, Tyrus.

Funny-looking celebrations: Sky Flakes sent in the following pic. Wonder Twin Powers...ACTIVATE! Shape of: A dork! Form of: A spaz!


Tyson Chandler: This guy has been en fuego since the deal that was going to send sentence him to Oklahoma City fell through. But someone must have hit him with a fire extinguisher last night -- not the flame-smothering foamy stuff, but the actual metal tube -- because he finished with 2 points (1-for-6) and 5 boards. Or, to put it another way, the same number of rebounds as Mike Bibby. That's worse than good. Of course, a lot of the blame for New Orleans' 89-79 loss goes to...

The Hornets' bench: The reserve corps scored 7 points, and 5 of those points came from James Posey. None of New Orleans' pine riders other than Posey grabbed a rebound. They had as many fouls as assists (4). To put it bluntly, they suck. Said Byron Scott: "It's putting too much pressure on our starters. I can't sit there and continue to watch this." And you're going to do what, exactly, Byron? You can pretend they're All-Stars or dress them as women, but Hilton Armstrong and Sean Marks are still Hilton Armstrong and Sean Marks. Good luck squeezing blood from THAT turnip.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Their home battle against the Washington Wizards Generals was a matchup of two teams that had lost a combined 14 straight games. That, my friends, is what we call scalpers night off. And even though it would have been fitting for both teams to lose, that doesn't happen in today's NBA. So it was Minny -- the home team -- who lost to the Wicked Worst of the East and lost their 10th consecutive game. They are now 8-24 at the Target Center.

To make matters even worse for the already Al Jefferson-less 'Wolves, Randy Foye sprained his ankle during the fourth quarter and had to be carried to the locker room. How'd that happen? Well, Foye went up to grab a lob pass from Mike Miller, but came down funny and collapsed in a heap. Yet another problem caused by Miller's newfound reluctance to shoot the damn ball.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, what happened? These guys were good, right? I mean, they spent most of the season as the second-best team (record-wise) in the West. Now they can't win, not on the road, not at home. A night after losing to the Wicked Worst of the West -- otherwise known as the Sacramento Kings -- the Nuggets dropped a home game to the Houston Rockets. Mr. Big Shot was 9-for-21, 'Melo was 8-for-21 with 4 turnovers, Nene scored 10 points on 15 shots, the Birdman played 22 minutes...need I go on? It was Denver's eighth loss in their last 11 games. And that second seed they had? Yeah, now they're slipped to SEVENTH. Yikes. Said George Karl: "The clouds will go away, the sun will come up again. I don't think there's anyone in that locker room that's afraid of the challenge that we have. It's just the funk of not playing very well for seven, eight games. I'm not going to make excuses, but there seems to be at times to be a mental fatigue to our team." What, they're THINKING too hard? Are you making them do math at practice? C'mon, George. Seriously?

The Rockets free throw shooting: Their 2-point was way closer than it needed to be, mostly 'cause the Rockets missed 15 of their 35 free throw attempts. Said Ron Artest: "That is very strange. But that was our fault. We were up so big. That's our next step right there, being able to keep a team down. We make those free throws we win by 10, nine points." They must have had shaqnopsis. Hey, speaking of Ron-Ron...

Ron Artest, alien doppelganger: On Houston's win, in which he accounted for only 22 of the team's 97 points: "We're going to win together or lose together. I'm not winning this thing by myself. Yao's not going to win by himself. You're either going to win with your team or lose with your team. It took a lot of years to understand that. But that's how it's going to be." Who is this guy and what did he do with Ron Artest?!

The Los Angeles Lakers: Like Keanu Reeves would say: "Whoa." I guess when Brandon Roy said the Blazers were looking past the Timberwolves on Saturday night, he wasn't kidding. L.A. took such a pounding that they had to outscore Portland 38-27 in the fourth quarter just to lose by "only" 15 points. The Lakers haven't won at the Rose Garden in their last seven tries; their last win there was on February 23, 2005...when Chucky Atkins was starting for them. It was L.A.'s third straight road fail. Oh yeah, and the Lakers' 38 points in the first half? A season low.

Lamar Odom: Jacob C. wrote in to say: "I don't even know what to make of this quote, really. It's pretty ridiculous...this Blazers fan is not pleased. 'We have to respect our opponent and play them like they're Boston or Cleveland,' Lakers forward Lamar Odom said. 'They play us like we're a tough team, or one of the best teams in the league, so why not play against every team like that? It would be smart for us to do.'" In all fairness, Jacob, Lamar is insane. And then there's that whole pot-smoking thing...

(Sidenote: Lamar finished with 2 points, zero rebounds and 3 assists. Sounds like he needs to take his own advice. Update! I goofed on Odom's stat line, as Justin pointed out: "Hi, when you quoted Lamar's stat line, that was actually your buddy Luke Walton's stat line. Odom had 7 points, 8 rebounds, 1 assist, and 1 block. Definitely the quality of his post-Bynum injury performances, but not QUITE as bad as quoted.")

The continuing wussification of the league: Okay, so late in the third quarter, Rudy Fernandez was fast-breaking tot he hoop when he got thwacked by Trevor Ariza. Fernandez took a pretty nasty spill and "remained prone on the court" for more than 10 minutes before being taken out on a stretcher. Here's the video:


Now, I'm very sorry that Rudy got hurt. It's a real shame. But that was a hard foul and nothing more. Guys like Anthony Mason, Bill Laimbeer, Charles Oakley, Dennis Rodman, Rick Mahorn, et al. used to deliver fouls like that AT LEAST a half dozen times PER GAME. Hell, Rodman once wrestled Karl Malone to the ground during the NBA Finals IN FRONT OF AN OFFICIAL and their was no call. I'm not kidding.

I just can't believe that Trevor was trying to put the hurt on Rudy. And I'm even a little on the fence as to whether that should have been a Flagrant -- although I guess any head contact these days warrants that -- but Ariza certainly shouldn't have been ejected. Maybe I'm biased because I grew up in an era where McHale clotheslining Kurt Rambis was considered an example of tough, gritty, I'd-eat-nails-and-broken-glass-to-win basketball. Not that I'm condoning that kind of behavior these days -- well, not usually, anyway -- but this isn't ballet or golf. Basketball is a contact sport. And the only reason people are outraged is because Rudy was hurt (which, as I said, is unfortunate). I mean, if somebody hit Shaq that way -- and trust me, it happens all the time -- would anybody have even noticed? Speaking of the rough stuff...

Kurt Rambis: From Basketbawful reader Jordan: "As if Rudy Fernandez getting carted out of the Rose Garden on a stretcher wasn't enough, check out this video from about 1:45 - 1:55. If you look closely at the left part of the screen, you'll notice a not-so-discreet Kurt Rambis first clotheslining and then throwing, by the nape of his neck, an innocent Blazers towel boy. Pure, unadulterated Rambis genius." Hey, Kurt: Didn't you call McHale a "thug" for doing that to you back in '84...?


Kobe Bryant: Mamba shot 11-for-29 (including 2-for-9 from three) and finished with more fouls (5) than either rebounds (3) or assists (3). Then, after the game, he left without speaking to reporters. Sore loser, anyone?

Lacktion report: Chris's mad, passionate fling with lacktion continues:

Hornets-Hawks: New Orleans's Hilton Armstrong had room service deliver him a called foul for a suck differential of +1 in 2:05, also charging him with a 1:0 Voskuhl fresh out of the mini-bar. Meanwhile, is any Hawks game complete without a Mario from THE Mario West? Tonight he celebrated the legend of Link with a 45-second stint!

Bulls-Heat: Joel Anthony may have rebounded twice, but the desire to avoid shooting the ball in 5:13 led to a slight Voskuhl of 3:2, comprised of two fouls and one giveaway.

Rockets-Nuggets: Anthony Carter recovered nicely from a left hip strain on March 5th to come back for George Karl and pan 1.25 trillion worth of gold specks!

Lakers-Blazers: Shavlik Randolph made money for Paul Allen's team faster than an Internet Explorer crash, releasing a service pack worth 2.95 trillion! In that same time period (2:58), Jerryd Bayless passed the rock to a Laker and bricked for a +2.

Labels: bench play, Denver Nuggets, Dwyane Wade, fan submissions, flagrant fouls, free throws, Los Angeles Lakers, Minnesota Timberwolves, the wussification of the league, Worst of the Night

Wow. Creepy. And you can thank Basketbawful reader Patrick H. for filling up your tank of nightmare fuel. And if Quinn's intense and piercing gaze doesn't do it for you, there are plenty of other Miami Heat wallpapers to choose from. Admit it: Your life won't be quite complete until you have Mark Blount or Yakhouba Diawara plastered (electronically speaking) across your desktop. And as a nostalgic bonus, wallpapers featuring Shaun Livingstong and Marcus Banks are still available. Get them before they go away forever!

Labels: Chris Quinn, fan submissions, Miami Heat, nightmare fuel, wallpapers

The Atlanta Hawks: Their loss to the Bobcats -- the seventh defeat in their last 10 games -- was a footnote to the sideshow put on by Josh Smith and Hawks coach Mike Woodson. Smith, as you may or may not know, hates his coach, and that hatred bubbled over during halftime, as player and coach got into a verbal smackdown that could be heard in the hallway outside the Hawks locker room. Woodson then benched Smith for the second half, and Josh spent that time on the pine with a towel draped over his back. Neither man wanted to talk about the argument after the game. After all, why clear the air when you can let negative feelings linger until they become toxic. In my experience, sleeping on an argument usually means you wake up to find the argument squatting on your chest and trying to suck your breath out, like that little troll thingie from "Stephen King's Cat's Eye."


Dwyane Wade's butter fingers: Pookie had another MVP-like game against the Craptors: 42 points, 6 rebounds, 8 assists. But he also had 8 of his team's 12 turnovers. That's a lot of giveaways.

The New Jersey Nets: They had a pretty good chance to come away with a huge win in Orlando. In fact, thanks to a three-pointer by Jarvis Hayes, they even took an 8-point lead with 7:26 to play. But I'm sure you can guess they didn't hold on for the victory, right? New Jersey went 1-for-8 over the last 6:16 and lost 105-102 when Vinsanity bonked a potential game-tying three-ball at the buzzer. And you know what that means -- playoff prediction update time! The Nets are now 16-27 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." In related news, they are also currently 11th in the East.

Lawrence Frank, Captain Obvious: "This is a make or miss league. You make them, you win the game. You miss them, you lose."

The Cleveland Cavaliers: The Celtics were without Kevin Garnett, Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine, and then Big Baby got ejected in the third quarter (more on that below). The stage was set for a big win by the Crabs, right? Uh, no. Maybe John Hollinger stat cursed them by bragging up their defense before the game, but the Celtics wound up shooting 54 percent and scoring 105 points despite a 38-12 free throw disadvantage. Bonus stat curse: On Friday, lordhenry left the following comment: "I wonder if the Cavs beating the Celtics will affect bawful as badly as L.A.? Probably not." As it turned out, you were definitely right about the "not" part.

LeBron James: Rough game for King Crab. His man, Paul Pierce, lit him up for 29 points (11-for-22) and 9 assists while he struggled his way to 21 points on 5-for-15 shooting. 'Bron also had a game-high 4 turnovers and got YouTube'd thrice. First, he missed a wide-open dunk:


Then he was picked for two the other way:


Finally, Ray Allen, well, you have to see it to believe it:


All in all, a rough night for the Royal Crustacean.

The continuing wussification of the league: Glen Davis got ejected for this:


Was it a flagrant foul? Sure. Worthy of two shots and the ball? Yep. But an ejection? Really? How far would you suppose that made Rich Mahorn projectile vomit? Twenty feet? Thirty maybe?

The Golden State Warriors: I think Don Nelson summed up his team's 108-91 loss to the Pistons best when he said: "We got into a gun fight and we had a knife." And it wasn't one of those huge Crocodile Dundee "Tha's naht a knoif, THIS is a knoif!" knives, either. It was the crappy little plastic kind you get at Taco Bell. You known, the kind that can't even cut through a Chalupa.

The Phoenix Suns: Their drive to miss the playoffs for the first time since Steve Nash arrived continued on Friday night with a hopelifting 116-112 loss to the Rockets. Hopelifting if you want the Suns to end up with a lottery pick, that is. Phoenix once again played Seven Seconds or Less...of defense. Aaron Brooks, who wasn't even starting before Houston sent Rafer Alston to the Magic right before the trade deadline, scored a career-high 30 points on 11-for-20 shooting. He was also 1-for-1 on game-winners, after he drove past a Shaq statue for the go-ahead bucket with 7.3 seconds left. Putting up huge point totals is great, but last time I checked, you still have to outscore the other team to win. Somebody better get that memo to the Suns, and fast. This loss dropped them three games behind Dallas for the last playoff spot in the West.

Steve Nash: He scored a season-high 32 points to go along with a game-high 13 assists. He also grabbed 5 rebounds -- equaling Shaq's output -- and hit four of his six three-point attempts. In fact, his last three tied the game with 30 seconds left. He was so "on fire," they probably should have tried putting him on Aaron Brooks. Wait, what? He WAS on Aaron Brooks?


Ugh. Defensive fail.

The Milwaukee Bucks' bench: Richard Jefferson (27 points), Luc Richard Mbah a Moute Labia mud charm toucher (21 points, 7-for-8, 11 rebounds), Ramon Sessions (20 points, 11 assists) and Chuck Villanueva (19 points, 12 rebounds) did what they could to keep their team close -- cutting a double-digit lead only 3 early in the fourth quarter -- but they ran out of gas because the bench jockeys couldn't get it done. The Milwaukee Pine Riders contributed 11 points (5-for-21), 5 turnovers and 13 fouls.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Caron Butler was sitting (sore left hammy). DeShawn Stevenson is done for the year (not that I'm sure he ever started). Gilbert Arenas is still swimming around in his giant money bin. And the Wizards remained the worst team in the Eastern Conference after a 100-78 thumping by the Spurs. And mind you, they suffered this beat down despite Tim Duncan's near Voskuhl (5 points, 5 rebounds, 5 turnovers, 4 fouls). Could things possibly get any worse for this team? Sure, if they all woke up with Chlamydia, maybe.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: They shot 33 percent from the field en route to their eighth straight loss. How badly did the Lakers thwack them? Here's a hint: Adam Morrison played nearly eight minutes. Guh.

Mike Miller: Pointless in nearly 33 minutes? Hey, Mike is supposed to be a shooter/scorer, right? Why has this guy become so terrified of shooting the ball? Is there a bomb in his head that's set to go off if he takes too many shots? Seriously, what is up with this guy?

The Denver Nuggets: They drew first blood against the Jazz by building a 19-point second-quarter lead. That was good. Then they gave up a run of 17 straight points over the end of the second period and beginning of the third. That was decidedly less good. And natch, Utah rallied for a 97-91 win. But if you ask J.R. Smith, the loss wasn't due to his team's 39 percent shooting, the 11 missed foul shots or the fact that they finished with more turnovers (13) than assists (11). It was obviously home cookin'. Said Smith: "They got every call. They got to the free throw line. That’s what opened it up and then the fans got behind them." Somebody should probably inform J.R. that the 36 free throw attempts...only one fewer than the Jazz. Just sayin'.

Friday lacktivity report: Chris is still gettin' jiggy with the lacktion:

Nets-Magic: JJ Redick spent 9:39 in a disappearing act for the Magic, bricking once from downtown for +1. Meanwhile, New Jersey's Josh Boone snagged a slight Voskuhl of 2:1 in 7:09 via two fouls against a rebound and no shot attempts.

Heat-Raptors: The Little Three of lacktivity were sidelined tonight for the Craptors, so Roko Ukic regressively rocked out a +4 in 4:13 via three fouls and a giveaway.

Cavs-Celtics: JR Giddens and Bill Walker have provided a 1-2 punch of pointlessness for Doc Rivers since the blockbuster Patrick O'Bryant transaction, working the mushroom kingdom at the TDBanknorth Garden for a 50-second stint as Mario Brothers! (Giddens actually managed a steal and a rebound in that brief moment in time.)

Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson was again a consistent non-contributor for the Cuyahoga County crustaceans, culling a crisp 1.45 trillion. His unproductivity was highlighted even more by fellow Crab Tarence Kinsey's failure to crawl to that collection of coins in the same run, taking the ball from Celtic hands to nullify a turnover. And Sasha Pavlovic shelled out a +2 in 4:20 via a foul and brick from downtown.

Warriors-Pistons: Kwame Brown's 15:04 on the floor featured a Voskuhl of 8:6 (four fouls and four giveaways against four rebounds and two baskets from the charity stripe).

Bucks-Bulls: The Notorious VDN rarely registers emotion or smart coaching, so to be in a position to bring out the human victory cigars had to be one hell of a bonus. (And sure, it was against the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit but who's counting?) Apparently he prefers scoring a copy of Super Mario Galaxy to collecting a huge fortune, as Aaron Gray and Anthony Roberson barely made it as Super Mario Brothers with twin 59-second stints!

Nuggets-Jazz: Johan Petro loves scoring the Voskuhl, evidenced by yet another one tonight in a loss at Utah: in 10:38, he took three fouls and gave the ball up against there rebounds and two bricks for a 4:3 ratio.

Meanwhile, Jerry Sloan's affection for the machine that brought us Zelda, Duck Hunt, and Blades of Steel continues with a 38 second Mario for Ronnie Price! (Price did manage a steal and assist in his limited playing time). Price was joined by fellow lacktator Matt Harpring, who provided +4 with a twin helping of turnovers and bricks for a 5:35 shift as human victory cigar.

The Detroit Pistons: From the AP game notes: "The Hawks swept Detroit for the first time since 1993-94. ... Before going 0-2 against Atlanta this season, the Pistons won 12 of the previous 15 series matchups. ... Detroit dropped to 7-22 this season when trailing after three quarters." I bet Allen Iverson did a little fist-pump after this game.

Mike Woodson: Not only did Josh Smith play, he started for the Hawks. And while his 19 points and 12 boards were a big part of Atlanta's victory, I can't help but wonder what kind of message is being sent when a player can freak out on the coach during a game and get of with a slap on the wrist.

The New York Knicks: The Charlott Bobcats came into Madison Square Garden and won their sixth straight game -- setting a franchise record in the process -- by shooting 55 percent from the field and 50 percent from downtown. Mike 'Antoni's defense strikes again. Although the word "strike" probably isn't quite accurate, since it indicates positive action instead of negative lacktion. The defense sleeps again? Yep. Fixed. Said 'Antoni: "I didn't think our energy was very good. It is a skill to play hard. We have to either acquire the skill or learn how to do it or something." Uh, isn't skill building part of a coaches responsibility? I mean, I think I heard that, you know, somewhere. I might be wrong, though.

Dwyane Wade: His shooting was off (9-for-23) and he was ejected in the final minute of Miami's 99-89 loss to the Crabs after he received his second technical foul of the game for bitching about a non-call. It was the first ejection of Pookie's career. "We felt we got some bad calls. Tempers got hot. I felt I got fouled and there was no call. So my temper got hot. I deserved the tech. That's it." Whoa, wait a minute, what's that? A superstar owing up to his mistake? Hey, Shaq. You watchin' this? (Of course, that admission came AFTER blaming the refs...)

Statistical note: Basketbawful reader DKH wrote: "I didn't see the Heat-Cavs game, but it looks like LeBron James picked up a Jason Kidd triple double: 14/10/12 (on 15 shots!)." Indeed he did.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: That 28-point loss in New Orleans really brought them back down to earth, huh? It could be that they are who we thought they were.

Memphis Grizzlies: Holy crap! How does a team shoot over 56 percent at home and lose?! Better ask the Grizzlies, 'cause that's what they did on Saturday night, falling to the heretofore struggling Sixers 110-105. Memphis has now lost nine of their last 10 games. And that one victory? It was against the Clippers, so it really should only count as 0.5 of a win.

Yes, I know they played the second half without Rudy Gay -- who got poked in the eye in the first half -- but still. That doesn't explain their lack of effort on D and lack of focus on O, both of which brought out more of that unbiased reporting from the AP: "Conley hit his first four shots as the Grizzlies opened at 69 percent shooting, but that wasn't enough to overcome a porous defensive effort. The Sixers repeatedly got to the rim for easy baskets, and the Grizzlies were sloppy on offense. Representative of the poor execution, Marko Jaric was calling a play out front, and Williams stole the ball cleanly from him and ran the floor for a fast break basket. On Philadelphia’s next possession, Ratliff scored from 7 feet out as Darko Milicic’s defense amounted to standing with his back to Ratliff and his arms extended in the air." Huh. Is it biased when you're just telling the truth?

Marko Jaric: Just wanted to point out, he's 2-for-26 over his last nine games. Hey, Adriana! There's still time to have that marriage annulled!

Andre Iguodala, Captain Obvious: On the important factors of his taem's "big" win over the Grizzlies: "We scored over 100, which is always a plus for us, plus making them commit turnovers."

The Golden State Warriors: Scoring 120 points on 51 percent shooting should be good enough for a win. It really, really should. Sadly, the Warriors gave up 127 points to a short-staffed Bucks team playing in the second-game of back-to-backs. Richard Jefferson scored a season-high 35 points, and I really wish somebody somewhere was keeping track of all the season-highs the Warriors have given up this season. Said Stephen Jackson: "We didn't want to go home after getting blown out twice in a row. We wanted to come out tonight and have a better effort and compete. I think we did that for the most part. We gave ourselves a chance. They just made better plays down the stretch." I guess when you're on Golden State, feel-good losses are the best you can hope for.

Corey Maggette, alien doppleganger: After the Warriors' loss to the Bucks -- in which he missed a wide-open three that could have tied the game late -- Bad Porn said: "As a veteran player, I need to be better with the ball and make better decisions and get the ball to the right person." Okay. I'm off to Corey's house to check for space pods...

The Washington Wizards Generals: Within every lump of poop there is a gross, runny interior. The Generals are the NBA-equivalent of that fecal center. They are a team that can shoot nearly 53 percent from the field and almost 60 percent from downtown and yet lose by 16. And the Mavs didn't even have Josh Howard. Mr. T has officially pitied these fools.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Barely beating the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves? Not a confidence booster, and definitely one of those "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others." Said Brandon Roy: "I think we kind of overlooked them a little bit, and guys were getting ready for the Lakers." Well, I certainly hope you beat the Lakers, then. That'll make it all worth it.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They led by as many as 15 points in the third quarter before losing to the Danny Granger-less Pacers by a point. At home. Yeah, I know, no Marcus Camby, no Baron Davis, no Ricky Davis, blah, blah, blah. This team couldn't possibly be who we thought they were any more than they were this weekend. The Clippers are the Greek Tragedy Team of the NBA. A soul-sucking basketball void.

Donald Sterling: He spent a lot of money assembling said soul-sucking basketball void, so you can understand why he's upset. But...remember what I said about HIM assembling that void? Yeah, exactly.

Saturday lactivity report: Despite a late night out, Chris still managed to report the lacktion:

Pistons-Hawks: Kwame Brown's one rebound wasn't enough to help the former #1 overall draft pick garner yet another Voskuhl in his 6:04 of suckiness, going for a 3:1 ratio (two fouls and a giveaway against one assist).

On the other hand, Atlanta was placed in a position to win through the successful management of its reknowned human victory cigars. Acie Law fouled once in 2:41 for a suck differential of 2:41, while THE Mario West scored his namesake with a 15 second Mario! (And somehow he had enough time for a board.)

Heat-Cavs: Miami's James Jones may have the most generic name in the NBA this side of Joe Smith, but he skipped past the imitation Pac-Man consoles and the Tiger Electronics handheld bowling special for a 22 second Mario.

Meanwhile, King Crab's expansion of his seafood buffet with a triple-double enabled Mike Brown to put out one of his regular human victory cigars, JJ Hickson. Hickson bricked once and gave up the rock twice for a +3 in 4:41.

Bobcats-Knicks: Michael Jordan knows the value of having a lacktator confirm victory first-hand -- he played with one-time trillionaire champ Jud Buechler after all in Chicago! So it comes as no surprise that his latest basketball playset contains one of these habit-forming devices; in this case it was Cartier Martin, who notched a 1.45 trillion at the Garden.

Thunder-Hornets: Sean Marks's one brick in 10:25 was all he needed to get on the lacktion ledger with a +1 for New Orleans.

Wizards-Mavs: Gerald Green went for the gold (and some stock options too!) with a 3.95 trillion, no doubt making Mark Cuban chuckle from his courtside seat.

Wolves-Blazers: Joel Przybilla made no shot attempts in his 21:22 of playing time, resulting in a bit of a Voskuhl: two fouls and two giveaways each against three rebounds for a 4:3 ratio.

Kyle Korver: whiny bitch machine: From the AP recap: "Kyle Korver matched a season-high with 20 points despite a fitful, and brief, night of rest. 'Getting up in the morning kind of stinks,' Korver said. 'But once you finally get up, you start going, you have your energy drink and eat your breakfast it's like another game.' The Jazz usually practice at 10:00 a.m. at home, but early mornings don't often agree with Korver. 'It's terrible,' he said. 'I don't even like going to practice in the morning. I would rather practice at midnight. I think all our sleep patterns were kind of messed up last night.'"

The Toronto Raptors: Five losses in a row, seven of 10, next-to-last in the East.

Chris Bosh: Wonder why Shaq called him the Rupaul of big men? Here's why:


The Orlando Magic: Sure, they beat the Celtics in Boston. But injuries to Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo forced Doc Rivers to start Stephon Marbury and Glen "Big Baby" Davis. And Baby left the game in the third with an ankle sprain and didn't return. Oh, and the Celts are missing Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen, too. So the fact that the Magic gave up a 22-point lead to barely pull out this win is kinda sad. But hey, a win's a win.

The Boston Celtics: Yes, they're missing a lot of peeps, but still: The C's posted their lowest-scoring first quarter (15 points) and half (33 points) of the season. And, uh, I mentioned Stephon Marbury started, right?

The Phoenix Suns: They had another one of those "close but no cigar" losses to their arch-nemesis, the Spurs, to finish 0-4 on their four-game road trip. They are now a full four games out of the Western Conference playoff picture. It's going to take a near-miracle for this team to make the postseason. And since Shaq and Grant Hill have stayed healthy for the entire year, I'd say their supply of miracles has run out.

Steve Nash: Tony Parker lit him up for a game-high 30 points (13-for-22), which means that opposing point guards averaged 30 points on 57 percent shooting (to go along with 22 assists) against Nash this weekend.

The New York Knicks: From the AP recap: "[The Nets] made the plays down the stretch, while the Knicks melted down amid an ugly combination of missed shots and turnovers in the final 2 1/2 minutes. Brook Lopez's bucket inside gave New Jersey a 100-99 lead, then Harris took Larry Hughes' turnover the other way for an uncontested layup with none of the Knicks scurrying back on defense, making it a three-point game with 1:15 to go. Harris and Bobby Simmons each added a pair of free throws in the final seconds after empty New York possessions. The Knicks missed four straight shots and committed three turnovers following Lopez's go-ahead bucket. 'We didn't make some shots and obviously we turned the ball over in key situations and they made plays at the end,' said Hughes, who seemed more interested in arguing with the referee then running back after Simmons knocked the ball away from him." Ah, New York, New York...

Larry Hughes: See above. (He is who we thought he was.)

The Memphis Grizzlies: They bounced back from losing at home despite shooting 56 percent to losing on the road after shooting 38 percent. That's more like it!

The Philadelphia 76ers: The world has been flipped on its ear. Night has become day. Black has become white. Tastes great has become less filling. The hot side has become cool, and the cool side has become hot. And admist all this chaos, the Oklahoma City Thunder have become unbeatable. They've won four of five despite the continuing absence of Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. They're just the team's two leading scorers. No big. Meanwhile, the Sixers are reeling. They've lost seven of 10 games since the All-Star break, and they looked like a special needs team in Oklahoma City. Their shooting eye must have had a detatched retina (39 percent) and their fingers were covered with Teflon (21 turnovers to only 9 assists). Furthermore, the Sixers got held to their second-lowest scoring total of the season (74). And that just so happened to be the fewest points allowed by the Thunder all season. Their run and fun has become shuffle and moan.

Andre Iguodala: When Brand went down for the season, this team was turned over to Iggy. And more and more, it seems like that was the wrong call. Last night, Andre scored 9 points on 11 shots and committed a game-high 6 turnovers.

Malik Rose, God-thanking machine: Rose has been filming his own version of "Escape From New York" since he was dealt to the Thunder. And against the Sixers, he had season-highs in points (14) and rebounds (7). Can I get a halleluja, Malik? "God is good. I just was happy to get out of New York. I thank (general manager) Sam (Presti) for bringing me here. Nothing against (Knicks president) Donnie (Walsh) and the people in New York, but I didn't have a chance to play there. I'm just happy I have a chance to play. I don't know how to put it into words. I'm just having fun and it's a great group of guys around here. I'm just excited, just really happy." Yeah. Escaping the Knicks does that for people. Well, uh, except for Isiah Thomas, I guess.

The Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets have now lost two in a row, four of five, and seven of their last 10. But this latest loss, well, gak, you know? Dropping a game to the worst team in the league? The Nuggets had already lost six in a row on the road, I know, but the Kings have the third-worst home record in the NBA (10-21). Said Carmelo Anthony: "I don't even know if I can put this in words how we are feeling. I'm not sure if I'm mad, sad or angry." Added Chauncey Billups: "They are dangerous, but they should be a team we beat if we come out and take care of business. If we do that, it's over early. I don't think we really understand the importance of these games. We go through lapses on the road and don't focus in." Seriously. If only they had a veteran, championship-proven point guard to lead the...oh, wait..

Sunday lacktivity report: Chris pays his lacktion tithe:

Jazz-Raptors: Jarron Collins has been one of Jerry Sloan's most reliable human victory cigars, and he gamely set himself up for lacktion by doing what any good lacktator does: refusing the rock so as to avoid any statline-busting shot attempts that could potentially go in. Instead, he made sure to give away the ball once and foul thricely for a +4 in 5:05 - also good for a 4:0 Voskuhl!

With the Little Three of Lacktivity spending the full 48 minutes in warmups, the Craptors' Roko Ukic stepped onto the floor as a substitute lacktator, becoming the richest man of the stone age with a 1.2 trillion.

Suns-Spurs: Goran Tragic sadly sucked the life out of the solar panel squad, taking one brick, foul, and turnover each for a +3 in 3:13.

Grizzlies-Rockets: WOW! Darko Milicic was free to throw a full SEVEN bricks (without making a shot) but still didn't accrue a Voskuhl or suck differential. Yet even if he had, he would have not been the Lacktator of the Week by any means, as Brian Cook tenderized the rim four times (once from behind the arc) in 4:27, and also receiving one rejection and two fouls for a seriously sucky +7!

Sixers-Thunder: Theo Ratliff made a field goal and even had a board in his 10:09 stint. Not bad, except that he also fouled four times for a slight Voskuhl of 4:3.

Nuggets-Kings: It seems Kenny Natt likes to bring out the human victory cigars upon every single Kings win -- and I can't blame him for that, seeing how irregular of an occurence this is. Tonight at Arco Arena, Donte Greene missed once and received a rejection as well, earning +2 in 3:46. However, in defeat, George Karl still acknowledged the awesomeness of Tetris and Yoshi by sending Jason Hart out there for a 44-second Mario!

Kobe Bryant: Mamba gave Adam Morrison a hot foot. But not in a sneaky way. Kobe made Adam watch while he was doing it, and wouldn't let him put it out until he could hear the sizzle of flesh.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

A layup from the free throw line?! That kid's a SWAC in the making.
SWAC (swak) abbreviation. Shooter without a conscience.

Usage example: Did you see that shot? A left-handed scoop from 23 feet? Man, that guy's a real SWAC.

Word history: The term was coined by my buddy Mark while we (along with Evil Ted) were discussing the previous night's pickup basketball games. As you know, we like to nickname the people we play with rather than learning their actual names. (Why make a personal connection? That could cause feelings of guilt and shame when making an embarrassment call.) We were trying to come up with an alias for a guy who's rather nondescript when one of us (I forget who) pointed out that his only defining characteristic was the fact that he attempts countless ill-adviced shots -- mostly from downtown -- without conscience or care, regardless of the fact that he cannot, in fact, shoot a basketball. All of a sudden, Mark blurted out: "SWAC! Shooter without a conscience."

A new word was born.

There are some ground rules that must be used when determining whether someone is a SWAC. A normally good shooter/scorer who starts out slowly or cools off late but continues to shoot is not a true SWAC. A SWAC must be someone who cannot shoot (though, by the law of averages, he will occasionally hit a shot or two) but insists on shooting nearly every time he touches the ball. He thinks "passing" is something that happens to kidney stones. In fact, it won't matter if he's several feet behind the three-point line or if he can't even see the basket. (I once saw one particular SWAC catch the ball at the foul line and then immediately chuck it up despite the fact that he was facing AWAY from the basket.) However, the SWAC must be blissfully unaware of his own limitations. He must believe that he is taking good shots, that he is justified finger-rolling from 17 feet out or maybe attempting a three-point hook shot. He must never feel bound by feelings of shame or the fear that his teammates will come to hate him for his pitiful shot selection. Only then will he be a true SWAC.

Labels: pickup basketball, SWAC, Word of the Day

The Dallas Mavericks: They followed up a rousing victory over the Spurs with a smackdown in the Big Easy. Only the Mavs were on the receiving end of that smackdown. They didn't have it on offense (39 percent shooting) or defense (the Hornets connected on 56 percent of their field goals). In all fairness, though, it was unlikely that they were going to beat the Spurs AND the Hornets in a back-to-back situation, particularly since the second game was on the road. As Jason Terry put it: "We just ran out of juice. It wasn't a lack of effort. There just wasn't enough juice left in the tank." Speaking of Jason...

Jason Terry: Oooo. Highlighted by Chris Paul.


Tyson "I still can't believe they tried to trade me" Chandler had to pick his jaw up off the floor after that one: "Incredible. He made one of the best moves I've ever seen in my life -- on an NBA player. I was at halfcourt and I just stopped. I couldn't even finish the break because I had never seen anything like that." Nice excuse for being lazy, Tyson.

Apparently, Paul wasn't trying to show anybody up. He claimed afterward that he had no choice but to highlight Terry. "It was quick thinking. It was either run through him or throw the ball through his legs and pick it up on the other side. I've done it before in practice. ... It was the quickest thing I could come up with." I'm sure that provided some comfort to Jason after he was forced to watch that play for the 739th time on SportsCenter last night.

Speaking of Terry, he had something pretty, ahem, interesting to say after the Mavericks' victory over the Spurs on Wednesday night: "Erick Dampier is what makes this team go. He's the one we look for to seal our paint..." I'm gonna have to agree with Sir Charles on this one: If Dampier is what makes your team go, your team is in deep you-know-what. And as Erick's paint-sealing abilities: The Hornets got 13 layups and 10 dunks last night. I'm just sayin'.

Jason Kidd: His line: 36 minutes, 13 points (4-for-11), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers. CP3's line: 27 points (10-for-18), 4 rebounds, 15 assists. Few things make J-Kidd look older than when he plays against Chris Paul. It's like arm-wrestling your grandpa.

Portland Trail Blazers: Yeah, 'Melo going off (38 points, 16-for-26) was probably unavoidable, seeing as this was his first game back from the one-game suspension he got for refusing to come out of a game. But 'Melo wasn't the only Nugget lighting things up against that Swiss cheese the Blazers called a "defense": J.R. Smith shot 7-for-12, Nene was 7-for-11 and Linas Kleiza finished 6-for-11. In all, Denver shot 53 percent as a team despite Mr. Big Shot's 3-for-13 clunker. Oh, and Portland missed 9 free throws. I can't get a handle on this team. I mean, they're pretty good, but, at the end of the day, they're ONLY pretty good. You know what I mean?

Update! Rudy Fernandez: Finally got some video to go with the picture at the top of this post:


If this was professional wrestling, the Birdman would have followed that up by jumping off a turnbuckle and hitting Rudy over the head with a steel chair. Then more hair smoovin'.

Update! Carmelo Anthony: (Via Ball Don't Lie.) I'll give 'Melo big points for self-mockery. But he's still the guy who refused to come out of a game last week, and accused his teammates of quitting in the playoffs last year, got caught at the airport with ganja in his backpack ("No, dude, it was my buddies pot!"), made an infamous appearance in Stop Snitchin' ("No, dude, that was a joke!"), threw a punch then ran away in the Knicks-Nuggets brawl (and the ensuing 15-game suspension may or may not have caused the Allen Iverson trade), got arrested for DUI...I'm just sayin'. I'd feel a lot better about Anthony if he could finish one season -- just one -- controversy-free.


Lacktion report: Chris, serving up lacktion, hot and fresh, since 2008:

Mavs-Hornets: Serving as Byron Scott's lacktator of choice, Ryan "I'm Not Bruce" Bowen did channel his namesake (a former trillionare champion!) through a fortune of 2.75 trillion.

Nuggets-Blazers: Sonny Weems seems to have come alive in adding to his All-Lacktion credentials since his selection to the squad of snoozers, panning a full 1.35 trillion worth of silver bouillon! Meanwhile, Johan Petro once again graces this section by racking up a Voskuhl (despite a block and three assists) of 4:1 in a 15:04 starting stint by taking four fouls against a brick and rebound.

Amare Stoudemire: Already ruled out for the rest of the regular season, STAT is now out for the playoffs as well. Assuming the Suns even make it to the postseason, that is. Dr. Pravin Dugel, the surgeon who performed Amare's detatched retina surgery, said: "Not this season, not at all. The Suns have the same goal -- to make sure he can resume his career. ... It's very difficult to explain to anyone how serious this is. It's more serious than any knee or ankle surgery. The healing is excruciatingly slow and delicate." That sounds pretty grim. Remember how team physicians advised him to wear goggles permenantly? If only he'd listened.

Still, I don't see what the big deal is. Can't we just fit Stoudemire with a Six Million Dollar Man-style bionic eye? There's one at Walmart for $49.76. Heck, I'll buy it myself, but the Suns will have to handle the installation. According to the bio-eye's Features & Specifications: "Table salt looks like blocks of ice. Fine hair looks like twisted rope. Even your own skin looks alien!" Sweet!

The mirdle: Since most men currently subsist on a diet composed entirely of gravy, frosting, and Twinkies covered in gravy and frosting, anti-flab fashion experts have invented the mirdle, which is a cute name for "man girdle." Basically, it's a spandex tank top that's two to three sizes too small for the disgusting, fleshy horror you call a body. It's purpose: To suck in your flopping beer belly as well as those unsightly man-boobs.

According to Gavin Jones, head of the Australian company Equmen, which launched the "mirdle" in London's Selfridges department store: "Men are under a lot of pressure right now to perform financially, socially and romantically. Why shouldn't we have the same products that women have had for years to make us feel better?" If that's the case, Gavin, what's next on your make-guys-feel-better-with-chick-stuff invention agenda? Manpons? Mangisil? Manscara? Daniel Craig?

The report justifies the invention of this abomination by stating the rising sales of male grooming products and clothing. Also: "And similarly men's underwear sales are growing faster than women's, with Selfridges recording a 21 per cent rise in sales of men's pants in 2008 while women's underwear grew by only ten percent." There's a very simple explanation for this: Men hate doing laundry. Hate it. So that makes underwear a disposable item. Personally, I buy a new six pack every week, which of course means I have to go commando at least one day -- usually Sunday -- but that's probably TMI. And I'm not an underwear sales statistics expert, but I'd be willing to bet that 90 percent of that 21 percent increase is just the same perv buying underwear over and over to satisfy some horrific fetish. Not that I'm judging.

Men, take it from me. Instead of cramming yourself into a sausage wrapper, just stop being fat. And to help you out with this, here's a weight loss tip from me to you: Next time you notice your hands are stuffed full of ham and delicious cake, don't cram it into your mouth. It's that easy.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba poked Adam Morrison with a pin, and then said: "Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or GET OUT OF MY BUILDING LIKE NOW!" After the incident, Adam didn't eat for a week, but he lost the five pounds, so the story had a happy ending. Until he passed out due to hunger while driving.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, bionic parts, Dallas Mavericks, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Portland Trail Blazers, the mirdle, Worst of the Night

The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit: It appears playing without Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut is starting to wear these guys down. They've lost four of five -- with the one win in that stretch coming against the second-worst-in-the-league Wizards -- and last night they weren't even competitive. They shot 37 percent from the field and committed 18 turnovers, a large chunk of which came in the form of Delonte West's career-high 8 steals. Said Bucks coach Scot Skiles: "They played better than us in almost all areas." On the bright side, Milwaukee DID shoot almost 93 percent from the line (13-14). The Cavs, meanwhile, missed NINE foul shots. And that, my friends, is what we call a moral victory. Not to be confused, of course, the kind of victory that counts in the standings. Extra woe for the Bucks: The loss dropped them into a tie with the Bulls for the East's final playoff spot.

The New Jersey Nets: They played a scrappy game and gave themselves a chance to win it at the end, but they were doomed by D. Or, rather, the complete and utter lack thereof: Boston shot 61 percent from the field (41-for-67) and from downtown (8-for-13) despite Ray Allen's "meh" 3-for-8 night. Hands. They go in faces, people. Maybe Lawrence Frank needs to offer a free doughnut or something for every time a player gets his hands above his waste on defense. That would be quite a bonus in these troubled times.

Vince Carter, Captain Obvious: Half-man, Half-a-heart scored a game-high 34 points (13-for-21) and had a chance to tie the game at the end. He drove straight into contact, pulled a Shaq, and (not surprisingly) missed the shot attempt. ("If nautical nonsense be somethin' ye wish -- SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! -- then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!") Afterwards, Vinsane said: "It was a shot I felt I could make. I didn't make it." In related news, I was unable to convince Gwen Stefani to run away to Sweden with me.

The Phoenix Suns: When Alvin Gentry brought "Seven Seconds or Less" back to Phoenix, I didn't realize it really meant "Seven Seconds or Less...of Defense." Miami isn't a team that lights it up -- they average 97.5 PPG on 45 percent shooting -- but against 7SoLoD, the Heat put up 135 points while shooting 57 percent from the field (and 56 percent from distance). Daequan Cook and Michael Beasley combined for almost 60 points off the bench. Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "We shot 57 percent and 50 percent from (3-point range), so that should be enough to win the game. Sure, Alvin, unless your opponent does the same thing. Sadly, this was a game the Suns could have won if they'd stopped somebody...anybody. Oh, wait...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Suns stopped one guy, at least. The Drain finished with 6 points (2-for-7) and had more turnovers (5) than rebounds (2). Oh, and he got absolutely flattened by Shaq on at least one occasion. Great trade, Pat.

Shaq: In a follow up to his epic lip-blasting of Stan Van Gundy, Shaq, well, I'll let the Associated Press tell the story: "O'Neal fouled [Dwyane] Wade with 1:21 left, then stood over him Muhammad Ali-style until Udonis Haslem nudged him O'Neal out of the way to help up Miami's best player. Wade made both free throws for a 127-119 lead, and cries of 'M-V-P' drowned out a profane anti-Shaq chant from some in the crowd. And on the next Miami possession, it was over for The Big Fella. Wade drove on him again to draw Shaq's sixth foul, and all O'Neal could do was meander slowly to the bench." Here's the video:


Superman or superdickery? I'll let you be the judge. (But here's a hint: It was superdickery.) I'm sure Shaq was acting out because Wade flopped...and you know how Shaq hates floppers.

The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds were gunned down by Big Shot Larry Hughes, who scored a game-high 23 points on 9-for-18 shooting (including 2-for-4 on threes). The Hawks are now 14-17 since their mighty 20-10 start. These things do not breed confidence.

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine: From the New York Times via TrueHoop: "Nate Robinson is still bothered by a sprained left ankle, which he injured in Saturday's loss to Miami. 'He just said he can't go left,' Mike D'Antoni said. 'I didn't know if that was because of his ankle, or he just can't go left.'" Classic.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Another night, yet another soul-crushing lost for the Wicked Worst of the East. The latest case of fail came against the Oklahoma City Thunder, who were still without the services of leading scorers Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. The Generals can't even beat a severely handicapped Thunder team. That's...beyond sad. Can I get word check? What's worse than tragic sadness?

Gilbert Arenas: From Wild Yams:

BTW, here are the Gilbert Arenas quotes where he casually blew off the importance of his preseason knee surgery:

"Why's everybody tripping out? Big picture, if I start rehabbing now and get through the pain that prevented me from running or jumping this summer, I'll be back on the court sooner. How's that a bad thing?"

"I wasn't going to play in training camp or preseason anyway, so I don't know why it's such a big deal. They cleaned the knee out. I can't walk on it for three days. Monday I can start rehabbing. I knew this was going to happen. Dwyane Wade will probably have a debris clean-out next summer. People are making it much worse than it is."

Hmm... six months later I wonder if he now sees why people were "tripping out".

To bad the NBA's Collective Bargaining Agreement doesn't have a Lemon Law written in.

Kevin Durant: Hmm. The Thunder are 3-0 since Durant got hurt. DON'T TELL BILL SIMMONS. It'll invalidate half the NBA columns he's written this year. All three of them. Oh, wait, that's his total column count for the year. Well, you get my drift. I'd hate to kill his bromance with KD.

The Golden State Warriors: They put the Bulls in a 14-point first-quarter hold and ended up losing by 22. That's because they don't play defense. And as I noted at By The Horns today, if Mike D'Antoni's offense is called "Seven Seconds or Less," then Nellie Ball should be called "Four Seconds or Fewer" or "One Pass and Chuck It." I've seen better basketball played by grade schoolers. Did the Warriors share one of Don Nelson's pre-game beers? Have they stopped caring? Did they EVER care? It's really hard to tell at this point. All I know is that the Bulls put forth a half-hearted effort but pounded them anyway. Brad Miller, who couldn't outrun a bean bag, kept beating his Warrior defenders off the dribble. That should never happen, unless the defender has two broken legs and some brain damage. Wow.

Yao Ming, complaint machine: The Great Wall lost a few bricks after his Rockets fell to the Jazz in Utah. He shot 7-for-18, committed 4 turnovers and fouled out in 30 minutes, then got all cranky with the refs. Said Yao: "Every time a defender player is on the ground, even if he just wants to sit down and have a rest, it's my offensive foul. That's unfair. I guess I don't need to worry about (a) flopper next game. I don't think Shaq's that type of player.' Oh, sweet, sweet irony.

Update! Basketbawful reader Austen makes a good point: "You know what's really funny about the Rockets whining about foul calls? The Rockets shot nearly double the number of free throws the Jazz had: 32 Rocket free throws to 17 Jazz ones. In Utah. The one place in the league the Jazz are likely to get foul calls in their favor, and the Rockets got nearly double the number of free throws. The difference is that the Jazz made all 17 of their attempts, and the Rockets only made 24/32. That's 8 points, more than the Jazz's margin of victory. Had the Rockets made their free throws, they mathematically would have won the game. So they can give it a rest whining about foul calls going against them."

Update! Jerry Sloan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: My attention (not to mention my imagination) was caught by this Sloan quote sent in by Basketbawful reader fortysevenminutes: "This is a tough team to play against. They're so big and long, it's tough to deal with them all night long."

The San Antonio Spurs: They dropped a roadie to the Mavericks, who themselves were coming off a win over the Kevin Durant-less (and Jeff Green-less) Thunder. And where was the defense? Dallas shot nearly 54 percent from the field. That had to get Gregg Popovich riled up. Speaking of riled up...

Mark Cuban, rage machine: Here's what Marky Mark had to say yesterday in regards to his team's loss to the Thunder: "I would rather turn over the roster 100 percent than subject fans to another game like last night." But, but, didn't you bring all these guys here?! Ready to admit trading away Devin Harris was a mistake yet...?

Home cookin': I'm not trying to say that the refs bailed the Blazers out with an iffy last-second call...actually, you know what? I am saying that. Rough.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Good God. The Grizzlies stopped an eight-game slide by hammering the Clippers by 22 in L.A. The Griz shot 56 percent from the field (and almost 54 percent from downtown) and had 30 assists on 46 baskets. So, okay, it's official. The Clippers have quit for the season. Yeah, yeah, Zach Randolph was gone (his father is very ill) and Marcus Camby missed the final three quarters because of a migraine. But still. This team is just epically 'bawful. Which means, of course, that they are who we thought they were. And if anybody made a bet on this team to do anything, then, well, I guess they deserve to lose. After all, a fool and his money are soon parted.

Lacktion report: Chris continues to author epic recaps of the embarrassingly non-epic nightly lacktations:

Bucks-Cavs: King Crab may be the featured attraction at the Q, but he's not the only crustacean in Cleveland who's the best at his profession. Mike Brown's selection of Tarence Kinsey as his primary human victory cigar has paid dividends for months, tonight marking the milestone of a playoff spot when Kinsey snapped into a suck differential of +2 via foul and giveway in 3:42.

Meanwhile, in 16:06, Milwaukee's starting big man Francisco Elson got a bit of a Voskuhl at 4:3 (three fouls and one turnover against a brick and three rebounds).

Suns-Heat: Yeah, the big story of the night is the Shaq-JVG feud, but in a full 22:15, Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal lived down to his nickname once again with a powered up Voskuhl of 11:8 (five turnovers plus a foul-out against a mere two rebounds, two made field goals in seven tries, and two charity stripe points) OUCH. Maybe he got some extra tips on how to fail as a big man from All-Lacktion choice Joel Anthony, who refused to take a shot for a 4:1 Voskuhl in 10:53, recording two turnovers and fouls each against one offensive rebound.

Spurs-Mavs: When the ESPN commentators noted that Fabricio Oberto would be spending some time on the floor, I sensed lacktivity forthcoming as he awkwardly walked towards his own arc without providing a defensive presence. Thus one of the richest bench players this year did not disappoint with a +1 via foul in 2:19, also counting as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Rockets-Jazz: In one of the most shocking transactions of the year, Clutch the Bear just gave Houston's Luther Head his walking papers despite their clear need for a human victory cigar in the wake of Knee-Mac's absence. Unsurprisingly, the loss of this good luck charm was felt in a close defeat to the Jazz, but not before Rick Adelman was able to audition two guys for the #1 lacktator spot. Brent Barry bricked once from downtown for a +1 in 4:21, while Chuck Hayes was nine seconds better in avoiding recorded stats for a 4.5 trillion surplus!

Pacers-Blazers: Maceo Baston of Indiana struck it rich tonight with a 1.45 trillion.

A night at the flopera, ESPN halftime report edition: Here's some bonus 'bawful from Chris:

First off, the commentators spend some time on Shaq's media callout of Stan Van Gundy after being accused of a flop by the latter. Apparently, one of Shaq's excuses is...he flopped that one time so that the player being called for a foul would not get hurt.

Wow.

But that's not all!

We get highlights of Celtics-Nets. Last possession, Vinsanity with a chance to tie it. Drives the lane, makes contact upon the layup attempt...and drops down to the floor like he's in a Medic-Alert commercial. No call.

The ESPN studio guys then say "He HAS to sell that a little better!" Wait. Is that an actual advocacy of flopping from the talking heads? What? I had to do a double take but yeah, that is what I heard."

Yeah. I heard that too. And, well, I included this email in Worst of the Night for a reason...

Kobe Bryant: Mamba tied Adam Morrison's shoelaces together and made him go through an entire practice that way. Then Kobe made Adam drive home with his shoelaces tied together as well.

Labels: Worst of the Night

Shaq once had some strong words for opposing centers -- Vlade Divac to Jason Collins -- who preferred to take a dive rather than face him man-to-monster: "They're all the same. They all have their flop fraternity. A flopternity is what I call them. Flop, flop, flop." He also once complained that: "Bill Russell and Bill Walton would be ashamed to watch this game, big men flopping around."

So, d'you suppose the two Bills were ashamed to see this?


That, my friends, is a flop of Divacian proportions. And that fact wasn't lost on his former coach and current Magic head man Stan Van Gundy: "Note this: Shaq played for me and helped me win games, but I got to needle Shaq. He talks a lot about people flopping and he did it. When he came over to the sideline, I asked him how he can flop when he says, 'Let's play straight up and play like men.'"

I wonder what Shaq had to say to that?

Update! This is what Shaq had to say about that: "One thing I really despise is a frontrunner. I know for a fact he's a master of panic and when it gets time for his team to go into the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic. I've been there before. I've played for him." ME-OW! Saucer of milk, table two, please!

Notice that instead of addressing the subject, Shaq simply resorted to blasting his critic on an unrelated subject. But once he was done laying waste to a good man's reputation, he did find a moment to address the flopping incident: "Flopping is playing like that your whole career. I was trying to take a charge, trying to get a call. Yeah, it probably was a flop, but flopping is wrong. Flopping would describe his coaching."

So to recap: After years of publically expressing vehement disgust for players who flop, Shaq commits an obvious and egregious flop against a guy he's gone out of his way to insult this year. Then, Van Gundy correctly calls him out for it, he defends himself by taking personal shots at Stan's ability to coach. Man, just when he wins you over for doing something super cool, he negates it by acting like a big baby. (Or even the Big Baby.)

Update again! Wow. The first source only provided a partial quote. What follows is the full version. And, uh, it shows that Shaq has officially gone postal over this flopping incident. I haven't seen this kind of needless wrath unleashed since Hollywood Hogan ran over the Rock (who was inside an ambulance) with a semi truck. Thanks to Brandon from BallerBlogger for sending the link.

"He (Howard) came with the same old, stale Patrick Ewing move so I tried to stand there and take the charge. The new rules say if you come through, you fall. But as I fell, I realized that it was a flop and it reminded me of Coach Van Gundy's whole coaching career. The one thing I despise is a frontrunner. First of all, none of his players like him. When it gets tough, he will become the master of panic like he did before and he will quit like he did before. The one thing I despise is frontrunners. Yeah, he’s got a young team playing good but don’t be a frontrunner. Him and his brother and even the legend on the bench ain't done what I've done in my whole career. So flopping would be the wrong choice of words."

"I just tried to take a charge. The (expletive) rules say you can’t stand there and get hit. You've got to fall. The (expletive) got the same old stinking move that Patrick Ewing has been doing his whole career. I went down, got up and didn’t complain. I see him and Stan complaining the whole game because they've got to. Remember, I've done more than him, his brother and Patrick Ewing."

"Stan Van Gundy reminds me of a broke navigational system. He knows everything about everything but ain't never been nowhere. Think about that. If I'm right here and I type in the address of where you're going, I know where it's at but I'm not going there."

"When a bum says some (stuff) about it and I respond, you can (expletive) cancel that cuz I know how he is in real life. We’ll see when the playoffs start and he (expletive) panics and quits like he did when he was here (in Miami). And you (expletive) print it just like that. Do I look soft to you like you can say something and I’m not going to say something?"

"Notice they didn't play me straight up. We'll see how far they go cuz I know Stan. I said this a long time ago but I was actually talking about him: 'When the general panics, the troops will panic. Like in business, when the head panics and takes out all his stock, what happens?"

"All the players hate him. The players don't even like him. I hate frontrunners. I really do. I don’t like any frontrunners. There’s a pecking order involved. I've been there six times."

"I ain't going to let no bum like him rip me and not say anything back. You can cancel that (expletive) all the way. Usually, I let (expletive) go. Not that. Not him. Hell no."

"The rules say when a guy goes through your chest you’ve got to fall to get the call. It was a flop. You’ve watched me play for 17 years. I don’t play like that."

"I'm not going to sit around and let nobodies take a shot at me and he is a nobody to me. And if he thinks he can get in a little press conference and take shots at me like I’m not going to (say) something back, he's got another thing coming."

Needless. Classless. Completely uncalled for. Shaq's reponse was like running somebody down with a monster truck because they bumped into you on the sidewalk. And the thing is, Shaq was the guy in the wrong here. He blatantly did something he's spent YEARS complaining about, but instead of just owing up to it, he had to get personal and go after not only Stan, but his brother Jeff and Patrick Ewing too. And, naturally, Shaq's last (and, to be honest, only) line of defense is that he's won more championships than the people he's laying waste to. Of course, his "He Who Has The Most Championships Is Always Right" rule didn't apply when he was giving Pat Riley the business last year or when he ripped into Phil Jackson.

Let's face it, this is Shaq's "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" world, and we're just living in it.

Another update! As Joe and Victor pointed out, this story took an amusing twist last night when Yao complained about a couple offensive fouls that went against him during the Rockets-Jazz game:

"Every time a defender player is on the ground, even if he just wants to sit down and have a rest, it's my offensive foul," Yao said. "That's unfair."

Yao took one more verbal jab at the Jazz, saying he was looking forward to Friday's game against Shaquille O'Neal and the Phoenix Suns.

"I guess I don't need to worry about (a) flopper next game. I don't think Shaq's that type of player," Yao said.

And isn't that ironic...don'tcha think?

Last update! At least, I think so. An anonymous commenter sent in the link to Stan Van Gundy's response to his Shaq-blasting: "Whatever. I don't know...that's his estimation of my coaching. I'm not going to worry about it too much. Actually, that [Shaq's criticism] puts me in good company, very good company. He's taken shots at Phil Jackson and Pat Riley, so maybe I should consider it an honor." And see, that's how Shaq should have responded to Van Gundy's comments, if he didn't like them. By saying "whatever" and making a joke. But The Big Little Girl is far to touchy and insecure for that. And if Shaq was as unquestionably great as we wants us all to believe, he would have shrugged off the whole flopping flap like he was swatting a gnat. Instead, he just added to his (still growing) legacy of boneheaded tantrums.

Labels: flopping, hypocrites, Shaq, Stan Van Gundy

This one isn't nearly as bad as The Zach Randolph Abomination, but it's still pretty darn craptastic. It even made Basketbawful reader Aram -- who kindly sent in a graphic of the play-by-play -- embarrassed to be a Lakers fan. As well he should be. (But for reasons other than this.)


I'm also awarding bonus 'bawful points to the Grizzlies for employing a "rebounding optional" defensive strategy. "Hey, I know! If we make them take five or six shots per possession, they'll eventually tire themselves out! Brilliant!" Oh, and for the record, I see this sort of thing happen in pickup basketball all the time.

Labels: fan submissions, Los Angels Lakers, Pau Gasol, worst possessions

I can't tell who's flopping either.

Lacktion report: Chris is to lacktion what Bill Laimbeer is to being an evil bastard.

Nuggets-Pistons: With the Not-Answer firmly chained to the infirmary, former #1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown got to experience the thrill of being a human victory cigar for Detroit, fouling once for a suck differential +1 in 6:30 which also resulted in a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Amir Johnson decided to make himself fit in with the rest of Oakland County with a 2.3 trillion!

Warriors-Wolves: Don Nelson decided to change it up a bit, actually calling on Jermareo Davidson to play contributory basketball. Thus Rob Kurz was selected as the designated lacktator for Oaktown's team, bricking twice for +2 in 1:53 at the Target Center.

Rockets-Raptors: Some things in life are constants - Bill Simmons being a homer, Vin Baker looking at his child support statements, and...Jake Voskuhl living down to lacktivity. Despite a blocked shot in his 5:59 of fail, he again generated his namesake stat, a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via one foul and one giveaway against a brick.

Grizzlies-Lakers: Greg Buckner did block a shot and even bothered to pilfer the rock from the residents of Staples Center in his 6:48 on the floor. But a brick from downtown led to a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul.

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: guest author, Worst of the Night

Move over, Chris Paul! Walter Herrmann's the new sheriff of "Inbounding Off An Unsuspecting Opponent's Back" town! (From Need4Sheed via Basketbawful reader jj.)

Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, great moments in inbounding history, Walter Herrmann

Caption: Los Angeles Clippers stock photo.
NBA sob stories: Those NBA players, they sure have it rough sometimes: "Al Horford watched two DVDs of 'Desperate Housewives,' took a nap, woke up and played cards with some teammates. And the plane was still on the tarmac. 'Just sitting there,' the Atlanta Hawks center said. 'I was going crazy.' Some four or five hours late, after waiting in a long line to be de-iced because of an East Coast storm, the Atlanta Hawks plane finally took off for the nation's capital. The team didn't check into its hotel until 6 a.m. or so, hardly the ideal itinerary for a slumping squad in need of a break after a disheartening one-point loss at home." I know, I know. A real tear-jerker.

But dry those eyes, dear readers! This story has a happy ending. Because, you see, the long-suffering Hawks were playing...

The Washington Wizards Generals: The Generals began the season with a team slogan of "Character, Commitment, Connection." I think they should change it to "The beatings will continue until morale improves." Another depressing home loss to a slumping team dropped Washington to a second-worst-in-the-league 14-46. And it's once again time to mention the fact that they committed to more than $160 million worth of salary over the summer, $111 million of which will be going to a guy who hasn't even played this season. Seriously, Abe Pollin has to feel like the NASA administrator responsible for green-lighting the Challenger launch. All the information was there -- with Gilbert's knee playing the part of the Challenger's O-ring -- but it was ignored. And, of course, disaster has ensued.

Back to the game, though. Washington was probably doomed before tipoff because Caron Butler missed the game with tightness in his left hamstring. The Generals are now 0-13 against fellow Southeast Division-ites...and only three games away from becoming the first NBA team ever to finish the season winless within its division. Said interim coach Ed Tapscott: "Sometimes you hit upon the inexplicable. I thought we should have been the team with more energy tonight, considering they played a tough game against Cleveland, got in late. I guess that's what happens when you have a terrific player like Joe Johnson, he tends to bail you out." It's also what happens when you're a hopelessly terrible team, Ed.

Added Antawn Jamison: "It's frustrating. We can't get a win, period. It's pretty much how it's been going all year. Tap brought it to our attention, I think it's never happened in history, a team not getting a win against it's division -- that's the least of our worries right now. I think eventually we'll get it done, but it's 'Groundhog Day' once again." And again. And again. And again. As a side note, attendance for the game was listed at a season-low 10,189. I know, I know. Snowstorms, yadda, yadda, yadda. But still.

Update! Javale McGee: From the Game Log at Bullets Forever: "Weird...JaVale McGee slams in a Mike Bibby miss...he went for the rebound and just jammed the damn ball right in the Hawks' basket." It's just been that kind of season in Washington. (Thanks to the anonymous commenter who brought this to my attention.) You can watch it here (go to the 1:40 mark). Thanks to Mark L. for the link.

What makes the play even worse is that Javale was supposed to help on the penetration, but he showed (and weakly at that) and then backed right off, which allowed Bibby to slide in for an uncontested layup attempt. I was thinking about this, and I've decided that McGee's boner was like being out with your buddy's girlfriend -- on a night in which he specifically asked you to watch out for her -- and then accidentally dirty-dancing her from behind before realizing who it was.

Associated Press headline writers: Here's the AP headline from the Atlanta-Washington recap: "Hawks overcome tarmac tedium, beat Wizards 98-89." I'm not kidding. Tarmac tedium? Seriously?

Al Horford: Two DVDs of "Desperate Housewives," Al? Two?! You just lost cool points, my friend.

David West, unintentionally dirty quote machine: After he broasted the Sixers with 30 points, 10 boards and 5 assists, West wanted to talk a little man love about teammate Chris Paul. "With Paul penetrating and probing, we've got guys who can make shots. That's what's been happening." As Basketbawful reader Robert M. put it: "Wow...I think the phrase 'with Paul penetrating and probing' has to be one of the dirtiest Basketball quotes I've ever heard." Honestly, I'd probably feel more scandalized by that quote if Hubie Brown hadn't uttered the words "...got it off with the defender coming in his face" on Sunday.

The Miami Heat: They went up 91-80 with 7:52 left after a Dwyane Wade threw down a jazzy dunk. And they cruised in for an easy victory, right? Bwah. Ha. Ha. Nope. The Heat shot 2-for-17, committed four turnovers and got outscored 27-9 in those final, fateful less-than-eight minutes. Crabs win. As Heat coach Erik Spoelestra (somewhat unintentionally dirt-ily) put it: "That's a tough one to swallow."

Jamario Moon and Jermaine O'Neal, prop and poster boy: King Crab sealed the Crabolier victory by casually walking past Moon and then jamming it home on The Drain's oddly-shaped noggin. ("That dunk had GRACE and POWER! It had me jumping OUT of my seat!") Here's the ego-ectomizing video:


Mike Brown, mumble machine: Regarding LeBron's game-breaking dunk: "I thought, I didn't think, I don't know, I don't know how he did it." Well said, Mike. Who writes your copy? Mushmouth?

Butter fingers: The James versus Wade duel was everything we, as fans, could have asked for. But it was a pretty sloppy game, with the Crabs and Heat combining for 41 turnovers that resulted in 51 points of turnovers. Pookie had 8 of those TOs, and King Crab had 6 of them.

The Dallas Mavericks: Last Friday, the Mavs barely pulled out a two-point overtime victory against the Kevin Durant-less Thunder. That was nearly an Epic Fail, right? Well, last night they DID lose to the Thunder, who were missing both Durant (their leading scorer) AND Jeff Green (their second-leading scorer). Simply put, Dallas couldn't contain rookie Russell Westbrook (who had his first career triple-double with 17 points, 10 rebounds and 10 assists) and OKC's midseason pickup Nenad Krstic (who had a season-high 26 points on 10-for-16 shooting). And the Mavericks, who fell behind by as many as 23 points, had to outscore the Thunder 28-17 in the fourth quarter just to pull the final score (96-87) to within single digits.

Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "I just thought that the first three quarters were just a pitiful display for a team that has aspirations to be in the playoffs and try to move up in the standings. We've seen this before, too many times. We (mess) around for two to three quarters and then we want Jason Kidd to bail us out with steals and hustle plays and fast-break opportunities. It's just too much to ask." Yes: Expecting Kidd's mummy to bail you out really IS too much to ask. Although don't mummies usually have cool undead powers, like poison breath and eye beams?

Random note: In the last three games, now that he's getting some actual PT, Thabo Sefolosha has scored 12, 15 and 15 points on 16-for-33 shooting. He's also averaged almost 9 boards over those three contests. I guess all he needed was a chance...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Zach Randolph missed the game to travel to Indianapolis so he could be with his seriously ill