I just read this totally unsurprising bit of news on the ESPN NBA Rumors page:

Jermaine O'Neal missed a second consecutive practice on Monday due to a tight left hamstring and will be shut down for the week as a precautionary measure. He will miss the first two exhibition games against the 76ers and Nets.

So The Drain is already hurt and has to be shut down for the week? Before appearing in a single preseason game for the Celtics? He must have been forced to do demanding and rigorous things during the C's practice sessions. Like maybe deep breathing and standing in place.

For the record, O'Neal ranks first among NBA players I could see straining a hammy while just standing. Carlos Boozer ranks a very close second. Greg Oden doesn't make this list because his hamstring would probably erupt out of his leg and try to strangle him if he so much as thought about standing up.

Head coach Doc Rivers says he won't take any chances this early in the year and will give time to the rookies.

"I just think that, when you look at [Shaquille O'Neal] and Jermaine, and think they can play 82 healthy games -- that'd be nice, but we have to be ready for them to miss a couple games and be able to play through it," Rivers told ESPNBoston.com. "That's why guys like Luke Harangody and Semih Erden are so important. Until Kendrick Perkins comes back, they're going to have to play, one of them at least."

Let's recap: Drain and The Big Geritol were Boston's two great offseason pickups, yet Doc Rivers has so little confidence in their ability to stay healthy that Luke Harangody and Semih Erden have apparently become critical to the Celtics' championship aspirations.

Luke Harangody and Semih Erden.

The sound you just heard were the Vegas oddsmakers scrambling to lower Boston's chances at making it back to the Finals next summer. Either that or Phil Jackson laughing. Or maybe Red Auerbach's soul crying out in despair from the afterlife. Take your pick.

O'Neal say he isn't worried about the hamstring, but defining his role on the team.

"I'm not really concerned about [the hamstring]," O'Neal said. "I'm more concerned about being in with the guys and getting that chemistry up. The first four days [of camp] were really good. Wednedsay, Thursday, and Friday [at camp], I was just starting to get comfortable with the system, the philosophies that Doc wanted and also playing with those guys. It's very difficult to learn areas of an offense and defense when you're not in there. That's probably the most frustrating part about it, but I don't have any doubt in my mind that I'll be back in there soon."

No doubt. Then back out of there. Then back in there. Then back out of there...

Labels: Boston Celtics, Doc Rivers, Jermaine O'Neal, Shaq

Editor's note: In case you didn't recognize it, this post owes a giant tip 'o the hat to the classic "Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes" speech from Team America: World Police. And Kevin Garnett's potty mouth, of course.

Labels: comics, Derek Fisher, Doc Rivers, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Phil Jackson, press conferences, Rajon Rondo, Team America Fuck Yeah

"Let him shoot! Let him shoot! Let him...oh, shit!"
The Chicago Bulls: Honestly, I'm not sure what else the Bulls could have done. They played a near perfect game.

No, they didn't shoot the ball well -- 44 percent as a team, including 4-for-13 from three-point range -- but they've been a limited offensive team all season. However, they flipped the script from Game 1 by taking care of the ball (only 4 turnovers), sharing the ball (25 assists), controlling the offensive boards (13-5), thriving off second-chance points (19), running out in transition (18 fast break points) and outscoring Cleveland 56-38 in the paint.

It very well could have been a winning effort...except for friggin' LeBron James.

King Crab scored a game-high 40 points, including 15 in the pivotal fourth quarter. But what was most demoralizing is how he scored those points. You expect James to be dominate around the basket, and he did, dunking the ball once and hitting all six of his layup attempts. This included a statement dunk on poor James Johnson and a spectacular up-and-under scooping layup on Noah.

But like I said, you expect that.

What you -- and, certainly, the Bulls -- don't expect is for LeBron to sizzle from the outside. During the regular season, James shot only 33 percent from downtown and had an Effective Field Goal Percentage of 43 percent on jump shots. King Crab might very well be the best player on planet Earth, but if there's a weakness in his game, it's his outside shooting.

Of course, people said the same thing about Michael Jordan in 1992, and we all know how that turned out. I think Clyde Drexler is still recovering from that revelation.

Anyway, LeBron went 9-for-16 from outside and 2-for-4 from beyond the arc, including one ridiculous trey right in Noah's mug. It was so freaky far away from the hoop that Joakim returned to the scene of the crime after the game to investigate the distance from which James took the shot.

Said Noah: "That's a long way. You've got to be kidding me."

As for LeBron, he didn't pull off any Jordan-like shrugs -- although he did do a little dance after hitting that three on Noah -- but he did address Chicago's strategy of trying to force him to shoot: "They were telling me I can't make jump shots. They asked me to shoot a jumper so I did that. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again." That's right. Eight "overs."

Damn, he's good. But damn, I hate him.

This sort of looks like the final shot from a moviewhere a famous athlete helps a special needs child.
James Johnson, poster boy: Poor rookie.


After the game, LeBron -- overflowing with modesty -- reluctantly conceded that dunk was one of his greatest: "It definitely ranks up there. It's one of the best ones."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part 1: When asked whether he regretted making anti-Cleveland comments between Games 1 and 2, Noah said...well...here's the video:


Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part II: "We were real focused at the beginning and we played with poise. It just came down to them hitting big shot after big shot. LeBron's pretty good. He's actually a very good player."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part III: "LeBron's hitting unbelievable shots. Yes, it's tough. But we've got to play them again, so I don't want to be up here and give LeBron all this credit. Yeah, he played an unbelievable game. It's tough right now. I hate to lose, so I'm a little frustrated by that. But we'll be ready to go come Thursday."

Joakim Noah: Ready to go.
Vinny Del Negro, quote machine: Time to update your spreadsheet of strange in-game promotions: The Cavs gave their fans a box of macaroni and cheese and encouraged them to shake it while the Bulls -- especially Noah -- were shooting free throws. (For the record, Noah, a career 70 percent foul shooter, went 5-for-5.) Regarding the promotion, Vinny said: "I'm Italian, I like macaroni. I'm hoping I can get a few boxes after the game. I love pasta. Penne, spaghetti -- I actually like linguine. I hope they pass some linguine out."

Huh. Suddenly feeling hungry.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, let's get some things straight. The Utah Jazz are not a deep team, assuming "deep" means "having multiple talented players on their bench." Without Andrei Kirilenko, they have nobody to guard Carmelo Anthony. Minus Mehmet Okur, they were forced to start Kyrylo Fesenko at center, and Fesenko responded with more fouls and turnovers (5 and 2) than points and rebounds (4 and 2) in 20 minutes. All things being equal, the Nuggets should have taken a 2-0 series lead last night.

Didn't happen tho'.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot finished with 17 points despite shooting only 4-for-11. Billups finished with almost as many fouls and turnovers (10) as assists (11), but that's not why he's here. It's because his counterpart, Deron Williams, owned him so thoroughly that I half-expected to see Deron try to sell Chauncey on eBay. Williams went off for 33 points and 14 assists. He was 7-for-14 from the field, 3-for-4 from downtown and a mind-boggling 16-for-18 from the foul line.

Said Billups: "D-Will and Booz, they had their way." And Williams had his way with you, Chauncey. I'm just sayin'.

J.R. Smith: Remember how he exploded in the fourth quarter of Game 1? And how I said Smith can shoot his team in or out of a game? Well, in Game 2, J.R. went 3-for-10, including 1-for-6 from three-point range.

Carmelo Anthony: 'Melo made a living at the free throw line Anthony -- 14-for-15 for the game -- but he went 9-for-25 from the field and fouled out of a playoff game for the first time of his career.

Did I mention that four of his six fouls were of the offensive variety? The foul out forced Anthony to miss the final 25 seconds of the game, which was a pretty big deal considering Denver was down one point at the time and only lost by three.

Said Boozer: "Him not being in there the last 25 seconds was huge for us."

Don't worry, 'Melo. The people of Utah still love you. Or...something. H/T AnacondaHL.


Of course, this is the NBA, so naturally there's a little controversy over 'Melo's sixth foul...

Officiating: Anthony got whistled for personal foul number six after taking a swipe at C.J. Miles. There was only one problem: Miles stepped out of bounds before Anthony did his Edward Scissor Hands impersonation. Unfortunately for Denver, the refs missed it. 'Melo had to take a seat and sank both freebies to put Utah up 110-107.

That's a pretty big play.

Said Miles: "I knew I was close but it was only because he was hitting me. He was trying to get the ball."

Speaking of fouls...

Hack-a-palooza 2010: That's what it was at the Pepsi Center last night, as the Jazz and Nuggets combined for 67 personal fouls and 91 free throw attempts. You read that correctly: 91 foul shots, 47 for Utah and 44 for Denver. What's more, Jazz coach Jerry Sloan got tagged with a technical foul and 'Melo got clled for a flagrant.

That's playoff basketball I guess.

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "I think we tried to get to [Anthony] a little bit earlier. In the game before we let everybody go where they wanted to go. Sometimes you get tired of taking a butt kicking."

Kevin Garnett: Here's KG's reaction to his one-game suspension for going all Macho Man Randy Savage on Quentin Richardson:

"No, I wasn't surprised at all, to be honest," said Garnett. "I told my man, [Celtics vice president of media relations] Jeff Twiss, when we were talking that I just want my message to be done, and all of this to be over with. My message here is: Whoever it is, my teammates, [Celtics coach] Doc Rivers, or anyone in the organization, I want them to know I got their back.

"The elbow wasn't deliberate. The league does what it has to do to set the tone. I respect that. It's time to move on and get back to a wonderful series."

Not deliberate? Really, KG? C'mon, man. You don't swing a lethal elbow like that non-deliberately. It's impossible.

Naturally, Garnett tried to throw a little blame Richardson's way:

"You know how it goes," said Garnett. "The person that usually instigates something is not the one that usually gets the penalty. But it's over. It's what it is. We've both been dealt with."

As Basketbawful reader That's not in the book said: "All aboard the KG Train O' Dislogic: He's 'got his (team's) back,' Quentin Richardson 'instigates something,' yet the thrown elbow 'wasn't deliberate.' Tab A does not Slot B in this argument."

Doc Rivers is riding KG's train:

"My only statement on the whole thing, I accept Kevin being suspended, if you go by the letter of the law, you kinda knew it was going to go that way," said Rivers. "But if your really want to stop the fights, you gotta suspend the agitator, too. I think right now, the agitator gets fined, the retaliator gets suspended in all these things. Until they stop the agitator, and fine them, and suspend them both, then you'll have these things."

??? Uhm, just watch. Hat tip to Deadspin, via Dan B.


Lacktion report: Two games was still enough for chris to eke out some lacktion:

Bulls-Crabs: James Johnson fouled thricely in 4:52 and added a brick and rejection for a +5 suck differential, while JJ Hickson held a Game Boy for a full 10 seconds to earn his second straight Mario!!!

Jazz-Nuggets: Kyrylo Fesenko went 100% for field goals in two attempts as starting big man, but for the rest of his 19:44 stint, he countered an assist and board as well with five fouls and two giveaways for a 7:6 Voskuhl. Othyus Jeffers jammed a brick into the proceedings and also took a rejection for a celebratory +2 in 3:07.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Doc Rivers, Joakim Noah, Kevin Garnett, NBA playoffs, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Boston Celtics: I'm not saying that that this team has lost focus now that there's nothing left to play for...actually, you know what? That's precisely what I'm saying. The Celtics turned their effort on and off all night, cruising here, making a run there, hitting big shots and then committing careless mistakes (they had 20 turnovers). The up-and-down, sometimes lackadaisical play led to a 109-95 defeat that gave the Wizards, a potential playoff opponent, more confidence than they probably deserve. Not a big deal, maybe, but you never want to give your foes any type of psychological advantage going into the postseason.

Doc Rivers: Doc couldn't quite decide whether to rest his stars or go all out to beat Washington, so he did the worst possible thing: He yanked The Big Three but then put them back in the game because the score was still close in the fourth quarter. The end result? He didn't rest his stars or win. Paul Pierce played 37 minutes, Ray Allen logged 36, and Kevin Garnett put in 30. Okay, KG got some rest, but what in the name of Lincoln's wart was Ray-Ray doing on the floor that long? We've been hearing all season that Allen's fragile ankles now have the relative durability of two dowel rods wrapped in toilet tissue. If there's one Celtic -- besides Sam Cassell, that is -- who should be sitting, it's Ray Allen. Save him for the playoffs, Doc.

Brian Scalabrine: Everybody's favorite candlepin bowler-slash-instructional video star actually got some PT last night. He would have scored a one trillion, but he gonked a shot and committed a turnover. Which, now that I think about it, is even sadder than getting a trillion.

Maurice Ager: There's our one trillion of the night. Thanks, Maurice.

Ben Wallace: It's good to see Big Bum disappoint somewhere other than Chicago. Wallace's line against the Nets: 1 points (0-for-2), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 turnovers and the worst +/- score on the team (-12).

The Nets' fourth quarter: New Jersey started the quarter down by two points, but they quickly went up by one when Bostjan Nachbar hit a three-pointer. The Nets didn't know it at the time, but their first field goal of the period would also be their last; they went 0-for-19 the rest of the way. And so New Jersey got outscored 28-9 in that final stanza and lost 104-83. Mind you, their very playoff lives were at stake. You hear that, Nets? It's a bell tolling for thee.

Chicago Bulls: It's official. They're not even really trying to win at this point. And Ben Gordan -- who last summer announced that he's the best player on the team -- said it's hard for the players to motivate themselves with nothing to play for and no reason to care. Said Gordan Gordon: ''Anybody who says it isn't, is not telling the truth."

Well, you're wrong, Ben. There's at least one Bull who still cares: Rookie Joakim Noah. And he had some strong (and refreshingly frank) words after the game. Said Noah: "'Losing is like a disease, it spreads throughout the whole team,. It's really hard right now, because regardless of what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season. I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. You can talk about Florida, but if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. We're losers. That's all there is to say." He's not wrong."

And Noah wasn't done. ''There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about approach to every game; the things that are going to be tolerated and the things that aren't going to be tolerated. Not the little, stupid things. I'm talking about winning; the sacrifices that need to be done in order to win.'' Amen, brother. Amen. Say whatever you want about his maturity or his hideous jump shot, but the kid is focused, intense, and dedicated to winning. I wish whatever he has would spread through that lineup. In the meantime, the Bulls have stolen the Chicago Cubs' mantra: Wait 'till next year.

Patrick Ewing: From Odenized. You know that fat lip Dwight Howard's sporting these days? It's a little something Ewing likes to call "payback." Still, I figure Stan Van Gundy might prefer if his assistant coach didn't endorse injuries to the team's superstar until after the playoffs.


Isiah Thomas, quote machine: With his team riding a three-game winning streak -- and yes, that's a season-high -- Isiah is all bright eyes and wistful smiles. "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they’re a team now. A little late, but nevertheless." Wow. It took him only four years to make them a real team. Congratulations, Zeke.

Mark Madsen: We had a Mark Madsen signing! He played 4 minutes and had 1 rebound. That's it. Did you know this is Madsen's 8th NBA season? Wow. And I said Kwame Brown was going to be out of the league soon? What was I thinking?! There's obviously always room at the end of an NBA roster for a big, talentless stiff.

Seattle SuperSonics: In the two games they've played since dropping 151 points on the Enver Nuggets, the Sonics have scored 83 (on 38 percent shooting) and 80 (on 36 percent shooting). A few more bricks, and they'll be ready to build their new stadium from scratch!

San Antonio Spurs: Memo to Gregg Popovich: Shaq is not dead quite yet. Pop decided to stick with single coverage on The Big Resurrection, and his team paid the price for it. Shaq scored 8 points in the fourth quarter, including two huge hooks over Tim Duncan that gave the Suns what turned out to be an insurmountable lead over the defending champs.

Matt Bonner: Ugh. Three trillion. You, sir, are a disgrace to the name "Matt." I say you return that name for something for fitting, like maybe "Poindexter" or "Booger."

Bruce Bowen: What? Bowen pulled a move out of his Dirty Player Aresenal especially for his team's game against the Suns? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I can totally believe it.)


Amare Stoudemire: After getting the old atomic elbow from Bowen, Stat tried to go all hombre on him. "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in my rib cage. You know, definitely wasn’t a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn’t appreciate it. So, I let him know about it." Stoudemire is crazy athletic, and he's an amazing scorer. But he is so not a tough guy. Button the lip, Amare, and let Shaq be your hombre, okay?

Shaq: The Big Cactus played well, but he got a little grandiose after the game (as he is wont to do). Said Shaq: "I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created." No offense, Shaq, but you're wrong. The baddest 36-year-old ever created was Karl Malone. Take a look: 25.5 PPG (on 51 percent shooting), 9.5 RPG, 3.7 APG, and -- if you're into advanced stats -- a PER of 27.1 which, according to John Hollinger's handy reference guide, would have made him a "Strong MVP Candidate." Nobody has ever played better at 36. Not even Kareem. (Seriously.)

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Chicago Bulls, Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas, Joakim Noah, New Jersey Nets, Patrick Ewing, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics

Phillips Arena timekeepers NBA official Eric Lewis: This is a situation that would make Vince McMahon proud. T.J. Ford seemingly hit a game-winning layup at the buzzer -- off an amazing halfcourt lob pass from Carlos Delfino, by the way -- but after a lengthy video review, the officials determined that Ford released the shot after the clock had expired. It was on to overtime, where the Hawks prevailed over the Raptors 127-120.

Just one problem. The arena's timekeepers Referee Eric Lewis shaved 0.1 off the clock, which deprived Ford of the split second he needed -- and deserved -- to complete the play. And here's the video evidence to prove that the ball hadn't even touched T.J.'s hands with 0.4 left on teh clock, anyway. (Evidence the officials also had access to, by the way.)


Toronto fans are pissed, and they have every right to be. Here's one angry e-mail I received from Basketbawful reader Raps Gurl, which pretty much sums up how they feel about this game in the frozen north: "I am FURIOUS over the blatant cheating that went on in the Raptors loss* to the Hawks this evening. Replays CLEARLY SHOW THAT THE CLOCK WAS STARTED EARLY ON THE LAST INBOUNDS PLAY! That extra 0.1 seconds lost would have made his basket count and the Raptors would have won the game. Instead, the biased scorekeepers once again reigned and like last year the game was unfairly decided. I hope game tape is sent in by the Raptors organization and this despicable cheating in an already tarnished league is dealt with. And no, this isn't just another Raptors fan crying foul, we legitimately got ROBBED."

*If it can be called that.

On the bright side, Rasho Nesterovic hit his first ever career three-pointer last night. (By the way, thanks to Basketbawful reader Michael for alerting me to the real culprit behind this mess.)

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they got totally hosed by the time-shaving thing. However...the dinos were leading by 17 points in the third quarter before totally collapsing in the fourth, during which they hit only one shot in their last nine possessions. (Although technically they hit two shots in those nine possessions, since Ford's last-second basket should have counted. But I digress.) You've gotta close bad teams out, guys. You've gotta close out.

LeBron James, quote machine: You might want to sit down for this one. Okay. Ready? King James fouled out of a game. Yeah, I know! I guess the NBA has a secret rule that allows the refs to call fouls on him during one game every season, and last night was that game. Of course, The Chosen One was a little cranky afterwards (despite the fact that his teammates pulled out the win without him): "There were a few questionable [calls]. I know how to keep myself out of foul trouble for the most part. In my career I’ve done a great job of that." You know what his "stay out of foul trouble" secret is? Here's a hint: Being LeBron freaking James.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched!

Daniel Gibson: Memo to Booby: Your role on this team? Shooter. And 1-for-7 (0-for-4 from beyond the arc) ain't gonna get it done. By the way, welcome back.

James Posey: He flushed in a lame "cotton candy" dunk during the first quarter that had his teammates booing him from the sideline. Weak. Hey James, I've got Bill Walton on the phone, and he wants me to tell you to THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN!

Doc Rivers, time manager: Ray Allen is probably the most fragile of Boston's Big Three, Doc played him the most minutes by far (37). When asked why he wasn't playing Sam Cassell (who ended up with a DNP-CD), Rivers said, "I played him all night last night." Huh. I guess in Doc's world, "all night" means 14 minutes and 16 seconds out of a possible 48. Math: It makes my brain hurt.

(By the way, the bigger problem, and the reason Ray-Ray put in so many minutes, is that the Celtics kept letting the Pacers back into the game.)

The Pacers shooting: As the game dragged on, Hubie Brown kept commenting that the Pacers are one of the best three-point shooting teams in the league. But based on the way the game went -- Indiana shot 35 percent from the field and 6-for-29 from three-point range -- that's like trying to explain to your friends that you don't usually pass out and make a mess in your pants after a night of drinking. Good to know, but also kind of meaningless.

Washington Wizards: Not only did they choke up a nine-point lead in the closing minutes -- despite Agent Zero's emotional return -- they couldn't make a defensive stop with 1.1 seconds left on the clock. Oh, and the game-winner got knocked in by rookie and D-League escapee Ramon Sessions. Nobody should ever lose to a man named "Ramon" unless his first name is "Razor." And here's some extra bad news: DeShawn Stevenson rolled his ankle and Antawn Jamison hurt his shoulder diving into the crowd after a loose ball. I guess Washington signed some kind of agreement that at least two of their starting five will be out with injuries at all times.

Miami Heat Washington Generals: Good Lord, make their season stop already! (Thanks for the reminder, Carlo.)

New York Knicks: Well, now that Donnie Walsh is on board and Isiah is likely on his way out, the future is a little brighter in New York. But the present is as ugly as ever. The Knicks gave up 130 points on 60 percent shooting to...the Memphis Grizzlies. Eight [!!] Grizzlies scored in double figures, INCLUDING KWAME BROWN. I feel very unclean right now.

Golden State Warriors: Sure, they got blindsided by Dirk's unexpected return, but when you control your own postseason destiny and lose by 25 points to one of your primary competitors for one of the final two playoff spots, well, you have a pretty bleak destiny. (Did I just hear Don Nelson say "Beer me!"?)

Elton Brand: Welcome back, big guy. You were gone 74 games and yet didn't miss a beat. But...why'd you have to go and ruin your team's tanking plans? There's a lottery pick at stake, man! You're...you're not planning to opt out of your contract this summer, are you? Are you?!

Seattle To Be Named Laters: Let's see, after that 18-point home loss to the Clippers, Seattle has lost 19 of their last 21 games and would have to win their last seven -- against Houston (twice), Denver, Dallas (twice), San Antonio and Golden State -- to avoid the worst season in franchise history. So go grab a double-frapacheeny whatever the hell and some scones...it's going to be a painful last seven games.

Raef LaFrentz: Five seconds, one foul.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Doc Rivers, Elton Brand, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Sasha Pavlovic, Seattle Supersonics, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards

Carlos Arroyo: Where's Jameer Nelson when you really need him? Carlitos was an Albatross on offense (zero points, 0-for-5 shooting, 4 assists, 2 turnovers) and had his lunch eaten by Mo Pete (19 points, 7-for-9 shooting, 6 rebounds).

Dwight Howard: From Odenized: "The announcers bring up a good point. Dwight Howard is a threat to everyone's health: Tony Battie, Jameer Nelson, Brian Cook (broken knuckle yesterday), and now Chris Paul! Is Dwight Howard a player assassin?" Watch the video and decide for yourself. (Hint: The answer is "yes.")


Mike James: Hey you! Yeah, Mr. DNP-CD, you! How's it feel down there at the end of the Hornets' bench? But you'll always be able to relive your glorious 20 PPG season at basketball-reference.com. So you have that going for you.

New Jersey Nets: Uh, somebody needs to tell them that playing defense is part of making the playoffs. Actually, don't bother. It's probably too late, anyway.

DeSagana Diop and Trenton Hassell: Diop -- whom I've been asked to refer to as "Lasagna Slop" -- had a face-rocking line of zero points (0-for-0) and one foul in three and a half action-intolerant minutes. But at least his name isn't "Trenton." Hassell played only 36 seconds and contributed nothing but a turnover. Dallas is only 1550.78 miles from East Rutherford -- according to Mapquest, anyway -- but it's never seemed farther away. For them at least.

The "Detroit Pistons": My first instinct is to say that the Minnesota fans didn't pay to see a starting lineup that included Rodney Stuckey, Jarvis Hayes, and Theo Ratliff. But then again, after what they've been through this season, that group probably looked like the Eastern Conference All-Stars.

Minnesota Timberwolves: They choked up a 21-point second-quarter lead and eventually lost 94-90 to the "Pistons" despite the fact that Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace didn't even play. Oh, and they let Rodney Stucky play "Fourth Quarter Assassin" by dropping 12 of his career-high 27 points in the final stanza to steal the win.

Craig Smith, quote machine: The T-Wolves forward said: "We’re very disappointed we let this one go. We really beat ourselves by letting them back into the ballgame." No arguments here. Although I think you should have mentioned that your 2-for-10 shooting probably contributed to your team's collapse. But maybe I'm just picking nits. I mean, Ryan Gomes (3-for-10) and Rashad McCants (1-for-9) were just as guilty as you were.

Zach Randolph: I couldn't not mention this: New York's "big man" blocked his 13th shot of the season last night. In 61 games. Holy Christ. You'd think somebody his size would wander into that many blocks by accident. But Isiah wants you to know that Zach wasn't close to being dealt at the trade deadline or anything. As far as anybody knows.

Donnie Walsh: Hey, he doesn't know what the future holds, okay? Wait, what?! He is getting hired by the Knicks after all? Which means he was probably interviewing while still working for the Pacers? No way. I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. Actually, I kind of am. I thought Walsh had a little more class than that. But then again, Indiana has become a black hole for class the last few years, sucking it into some kind of parallel dimension where it's ritualistically tortured and destroyed. So okay, I'm not shocked anymore.

Larry Hughes: The line: 2 points, 0-for-6 shooting, zero rebounds, zero assists, 1 turnovers, and a "game over" benching with 7:08 left in the third quarter after he blew a layup and clanked an 18-foot jumper on consecutive possessions. Ben Gordan might not be smiling on the outside, but I guarantee you that he's smiling on the inside. (Although, based on Ben's 9-point, 3-for-8 shooting night, he really shouldn't be.)

Update! Benny the Bull: This just in from TrueHoop. The Chicago mascot sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon during the closing minutes of the Celtics/Bulls game. According to the Boston Herald report: "Garnett initially had to be restrained by a member of the officiating crew as Benny stood a safe distance away." Huh. What happens when a mascot pees themselves in terror? I guess we'd have to ask Benny that question today. This incident would have been a little more surprising if Benny hadn't gotten into a fight on The Jerry Springer Show earlier this season. Kudos to Posey (even though he sucks) for finding some humor in the situation. "I don’t know. I feel threatened. I don’t feel safe. They really have tough love here, but it was definitely an inside job. They made the mascot do it. I got hit in the back walking away. That spot on my back is sore. I might have to get treatment on it." Of course, I'm only assuming he's kidding.

Doc Rivers: I'm not saying he shouldn't be playing his big guns at all, only that he should try to work a little more leisure time into their schedule. I mean, that's why Danny Ainge signed Sam Cassell (14 minutes) and P.J. Brown (DNP-CD) for, right?

Golden State Warriors: You guys do want to make the playoffs, right? Because last night's banana peel slip against the Spurs makes me think you have a fishing trip planned. That's slightly unfair -- after all, they already have three more wins in a more competitive conference than they finished with last season -- but still. Their offense went wrong (37 percent shooting, only 8 assists to 13 turnovers), they got gangbanged on the glass (54-37), and the Spurs shot their defense full of wholes (55 percent from the field). The sad thing is, you can't exactly say they played badly, because they stuck to their usual game plan...it just didn't work. Let's face it, the Warriors live and die by a certain philosophy (a.k.a., Nellie Ball). And with the way these Western Wars are going, it looks like their headed for the "die" part.

Raja Bell: Let me put on my Hubie Brown mask. "If you're playing for a seven-deep team on the second night of an exhausting back-to-back series with a fast-paced team like the Denver Nuggets, and there's playoff positioning at stake, you cannot afford to get yourself thrown out of the game. It's careless and irresponsible. Your team needs you." Seriously, Raja. WTF?! Just for fun, and in case you haven't seen it, here's The Raja Flop.


Phoenix Suns freethrow shooting: I'm not even going to comment on the home cooking that may or may not have (it did) led to the Nuggets 47-26 advantage in freethrow attempts, but I will mention that the Suns missed 12 of the foul shots they did get. Yes, I'm looking at you, Shaq (2-for-9).

Tracy McGrady: T-Mac great game (32 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists) ended the same way so many of his other great games have ended: With McGrady gonking a buzzer-beating jumper that would have won the game. (It's probably also worth mentioning that he shot 12-for-31 and had 5 turnovers.)

Reggie Theus, quote machine: After his Kings beat the Rockets and damaged their chances of winning the Western Conference, the Sacramento coach said: "It’s nice that we can play a role in the Western Conference. The guys understand we have a role to play. If our role is to muck it up, that’s what we’ll do. It gives us something to play for and it’s a big win for us down the stretch." Wow. Way to aim high, Reggie.

Update! Damned fools: More breaking news from TrueHoop. Okay, seriously...who gets into a fight at an autograph session? Rashard Lewis fans, apparently. Lewis and his family were taking in a show at the Medieval Times in Kissimmee when a group of teenagers asked for his autograph. One thing led to another and a "mini-riot" broke out. The police were called and they soon restored order. Fortunately for everyone involved, the only casualties were a cell phone and a camera memory card. Nobody got arrested. Lewis said he was only trying to give his fans some love. "I was just trying to be a nice guy." That'll teach him that nice guys finish last in Medieval Times mini-riots.

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Doc Rivers, Donnie Walsh, Dwight Howard, Golden State Warriors, Larry Hughes, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Tracy McGrady, Zach Randolph

This is a Larry Bird tribute that aired right before the Celtics faced the Bulls in the first round of the 1986 NBA playoffs. Based on this quote from the end of the video, I'm not surprised Larry wasn't asked to take part in the NBA All-Star Stay In School Jam.

"If I was spendin' time in high school readin' my homework, and readin' the books, and working on different things scholastically instead of thinkin' about basketball all the time, where would I be? I don't think I'd be making the money I'm making now, so I'm happy with what I'm doin'."

Wow. At least Charles Barkley said up front that he wasn't a role model. Anyway, the video also has a great cameo by Doc Rivers and a classic quote from an unnamed opponent: "Trying to stop Larry Bird is like trying to put a harness on the wind; you just can't do it." Now who in the 80s would have said something like that?

Update: I couldn't help wondering who the anonymous opponent was. What kind of hardwood poet/philosopher would say something so moving, so beautiful, about an ugly hick from Indiana who's really good at playing basketball. Well, I have the answer: Mel Daniels. Here's the actual quote, from a Jack McCallum article, As Nearly Perfect As You Can Get, written on March 3, 1986: "Trying to get a book on Larry Bird is like trying to get a harness on the wind. You come up with nothing."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Charles Barkley, Doc Rivers, Larry Bird, quotes, tributes

Chicago Bulls: The Bulls were the consensus pick to be the Eastern Conference's sacrificial lamb in the 2008 NBA Finals, but the so-called "best team in the East" is now 0-3. Why? Well, Loul "We won't give him up for Kobe Bryant" Deng managed only 10 points (4-of-12), 4 rebounds, 1 assist, and 3 turnovers against the 76ers, and he followed up that performance with 8 points (4-of-11), 6 rebounds, 1 assist, and 3 turnovers against the Bucks. Kirk Hinrich shot 6-of-24 over the weekend, had 8 turnovers, and committed 9 fouls. Ben "I'm the best player on the team" Gordon is averaging 22 points, but he's shooting 38 percent and averaging a team-high 4.3 turnovers. Ben Wallace -- the Bulls' $60 million man -- notched 1 point and 4 rebounds against the 76ers, then 5 points and 2 rebounds against the Bucks. As a team, the Bulls are scoring 86 PPG, shooting 32 percent from the field, and getting outrebounded 50-42. Their best player over three games has been Joe Smith, which pretty much says it all. Now, the Bulls are well-known for getting off to a slow start over the last few years, so they'll probably recover. But right now, they're just downright bad.

Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs suffered an astonishing 101-94 loss to the Atlanta Hawks on Friday night, during which they were outplayed in every single aspect of the game. By the Hawks. The Atlanta Hawks. If that doesn't make Avery Johnson throw up in his mouth a little, nothing will. Of course, the Hawks would have beaten the Pistons on Sunday if not for an iffy last-second call that went Detroit's way, so the "Baby Birds" might be better than I thought.

Doc Rivers: On Friday night, the Celtics had TKO'd the Wizards by halftime and eventually won by 20. You'd think Doc would have gotten his three stars some rest, right? Wrong. Paul Pierce played 39 minutes, and Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen played 38 a piece. Look, when your team is nursing a 20-point lead for most of three quarters, they should be on the bench with ice on their knees, joking around and eating pizza. Maybe you leave one of them in to kind of settle down the scrubs, but all three? If Rivers wants to keep these guys healthy, he needs to do a better job managing their minutes.

Gilbert Arenas: In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Here is Agent Zero...now plain zero!" Arenas promised a big win against the Celtics on Friday night, then shot 5-of-20 and had 4 turnovers as the Wizards got blown out in Boston. He followed that up with a 10-point (5-of-15), 6 turnover performance as the Wizards got pounded by the Magic. It's obvious that Agent Zero hasn't fully recovered from knee surgery, and his team (0-3) is paying the price.

Golden State Warriors: In my Bestern Conference Season Preview, I said "Last year's Cinderella Team is going to be this year's floundering disappointment." So far, my prediction is right on the money: The Warriors are 0-3. On Friday night, they lost a 120-114 decision to the Clippers and made Chris Kaman (26 points, 18 rebounds) look like a latter-day Moses Malone. Not a good sign. Then on Sunday they were blown out (for the second time this season) by the Jazz. Of course, it's important to note that the Warriors are still missing their spiritual leader, Stephen Jackson. It's probably also worth noting that their spiritual leader is currenlty serving a 7-game suspension for pleading guilty to a felony charge of criminal recklessness for firing a gun into the air outside an Indianapolis club.

Indianapolis Colts: They coughed up a 10-point fourth-quarter lead thanks to a handful of defensive lapses and a couple Peyton Manning fumbles. Now we have to suffer through another couple months of "Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever!" and "Will the Patriots finish the season undefeated?" articles. Thanks, Colts.

Los Angeles Lakers: The Fakers were supposed to suck this season; that's why Kobe Bryant dissed his teammates and the organization, then demanded a one-way ticket out town. Apparently, the rest of the team didn't get that memo. Their consecutive wins against the Suns and Jazz were impressive, although both of those teams were in the second half of back-to-backs while the Lakers were coming off a full day's rest. The bright side is that the two wins have quieted the Kobe trade rumors for the time being, but I'm not sure I want to live in a world in which the Lakers aren't terrible.

Miami Heat: Shaq said it was important for the Heat to get off to a strong start this season and then promised he was going to run wild. Well, you can start calling him The Big Geraldo Rivera, because Shaq's predictions were that far off the mark. The Heat are 0-3 after losing to the Pacers on Friday and the Bobcats on Sunday. Shaq's season averages are 8.5 PPG (on 42 percent shooting), 7.0 RPG, and 1.5 APG to go along with 5.0 turnovers and 5.5 fouls. Seriously, it's time for Shaq to enter the "late Wilt Chamberlain" part of his career, where he concentrates on rebounding and playing defense. Yeah, I know: Not friggin' likely. Random Heat Fact: Udonis Haslem leads the team in shot attempts at 16.0 a game.

New Jersey Nets: The Toronto Raptors scored a first-round knockout in Friday night's "revenge game" against the Nets. Every team has the occasional bad night, but how do you explain losing by 37 at home? Richard Jefferson -- in an effort to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for most ridiculous understatement -- said, "We didn't play very well." Vince Carter said it better, though, when he said, "We took one straight in the mouth." Uh, yeah. You took it in more places than just the mouth, Vince.

Phoenix Suns: The Suns got obliterated by the Lakers on Friday night, as Steve Nash dished out only 2 assists and Amare Stoudemire scored 7 points on 2-of-10 shooting. Speaking of Stoudemire, he missed Sunday's game due to discomfort in his most recently surgically-repaired knee (as opposed to his other surgically repaird knee). Phoenix managed to rally for a win over Cleveland on Sunday, but how many 40-minute games can Grant Hill play before he crumples into a heap?

Sacramento Kings: The "Sacramento Queens" have lost their first three games by margins of 14, 16, and 21 points. They're just plain awful. One bright note: John Salmons (21 PPG, 5 RPG, 6 APG, 53 percent shooting) is playing great.

The League: Mike Dunleavy Jr. is averaging 22 PPG, 9 RPG, and 4 APG while shooting 49 percent from the field and 40 percent from three-point range. Those are All-Star numbers. From Mike Dunleavy Jr.!!

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Doc Rivers, Gilbert Arenas, Golden State Warriors, Indianapolis Colts, Los Angeles Lakers, New Jersey Nets, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings

This is the second part of the sad tale of why the Celtics will suck forever. You can go back and read Part 1 if for some reason you enjoy really depressing stories.

1998-99: The Celtics draft Paul Pierce, which ends up being the first good draft choice the team has made since selecting Rick Fox in 1991. But the reality is that the team is still dependent on guys like Vitaly Potapenko, Tony Battie, and Dana Barros. 'Nuff said. The C's finish 19-31 in a lockout shortened season and, again, fail to make the playoffs.

1999-00: Rick Pitino continues to destroy the Celtics*. Thanks to some of his earlier deals, the Celtics don't have a draft pick until the 26th spot of the second round. Pitino still manages to screw that one up by selecting Kris Clack (who never plays for the Celtics -- or any other NBA team) instead of Manu Ginobili. For some reason, the Celtics trade Ron Mercer in order to reaquire Eric Williams (despite the fact that he had suffered a serious knee injury). They also get Danny Fortson in the deal. Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce both pour in 20 PPG but shoot in the low 40s. The season's most memorable moment is when Pitino gives his famous "Larry Bird is not walking through that door…" speech. The team plays no defense and finishes 35-47. They don’t reach the playoffs. Again.

*During the summer of 2000, I was in Chicago’s O’Hare airport waiting to catch a plane to Myrtle Beach when I looked over and noticed Rick Pitino waiting for the same flight. Being a long-time Celtics fan, I had grown to hate this man the way that Holocaust survivors hate Hitler. As I walked through First Class where he was sitting, I yelled at him, "Hey Pitino, you screwed over Red Auerbach and destroyed the Celtics. Good job." He didn’t respond or even look at me, but I hope my diatribe had something to do with his resignation the next season.

2000-01: Pitino drafts Jerome Moiso (who plays only 24 games and averages 1.5 PPG) instead of Quentin Richardson, Jamaal Magloire, or Michael Redd. On Septemer 25, 2000, Paul Pierce is hit in the head with a champagne bottle and stabbed 11 times in the neck and back outside a Boston nightclub. The attack punctures Pierce's left lung and surgery is required to save his life. Miraculously, Pierce recovers and plays all 82 games an sets career highs in points, assists, field goal percentage, and minutes. However, the team starts out 12-22, and, as a result, Pitino finally cracks and resigns with a record of 102-146 as the Celtics coach (he later admits he never would have taken the job if he'd known the team wouldn't be able to draft Tim Duncan). Pitino is replaced by Jim O'Brien as coach and Chris Wallace as General Manager, and Red Auerbach is reinstated as Team President. O'Brien coaches the team to a respectable 24-24 finish which, despite the 36-46 overall record, gives reason to hope.

2001-02: The Celtics have the 10th, 11th, and 21st picks in the draft, and they select Joe Johnson, Kedrick Brown, and Joseph Forte over guys like Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, and Mehmet Okur. Their one good selection, Johnson, is dealt to the Phoenix Suns in a midseason trade for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk. Jim O'Brien works some serious coaching magic, leading the team to 49 wins and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals, where they fall to the New Jersey Nets in six games. During this series, the Boston crowd shows how far they've fallen by serenading Jason Kidd with chants of "wife beater" throughout Games 3 and 4.

2002-03: Due to earlier trades, the Celtics don't draft until the 21st spot of the second round. They select Darius Songaila. The team trades Kenny Anderson, Vitaly Potepenko, and Joseph Forte for Shammon Williams and a fat Vin Baker (and his even fatter $12 million contract). Baker manages to average 11 PPG and 8 RPG, but turns out to be a binge-drinking alcoholic. Coach Jim O'Brien repeatedly smells alcohol on Baker's Twinkie-coated breath and confronts him about it. The team is forced to suspend Baker and eventually releases him. Danny Ainge is hired as the Executive Director of Basketball Operations. The team loses a step without Anderson, who was their floor leader, and wins only 44 games. The team does qualify for the playoffs, but they are knocked out in the second round by the New Jersey Nets.

2003-04: Danny Ainge drafts Troy Bell, Dahntay Jones, and Brandon Hunter instead of players like Boris Diaw, Leandro Barbosa, Josh Howard, Luke Walton, or even Kyle Korver. Bell and Jones never play for the team, and Hunter is a bust. Ainge also trades Antoine Walker and Tony Delk to the Dallas Mavericks for Raef LaFrentz (along with his chronic injuries and ginormous contract) and a draft pick. Ainge feuds with coach Jim O'Brien, then trades Eric Williams and Tony Battie to Cleveland for Ricky Davis, Chris Mihm, and Jiri Welsch. O'Brien resigns in disgust with the team only 22-24. John Carroll takes over as coach and the team struggles to a 14-22 finish. The C's 36-46 record is (amazingly) good enough to make the playoffs...where the team is promptly swept in the first round by the Indiana Pacers. It's important to note that the Celtics were part of the trade that sent Rasheed Wallace to Detroit, which helped propel the Pistons to the 2004 NBA championship.

2004-05: The Celtics have a successful draft by selecting Al Jefferson, Delonte West, and Tony Allen. They also manage to dump the salaries of Chris Mihm, Chucky Atkins, and Jumaine Jones by picking up Gary Payton and Rick Fox (who immediately retires) from the Lakers. Danny Ainge hires Doc Rivers to coach the team. During the season, Ainge trades Payton to the Atlanta Hawks in order to reaquire Antoine Walker. The Hawks release Payton, who immediately resigns with the Celtics. The team manages to win 45 games and captures their first Atlantic Division title since the 1991-92 season. However, they lose in the first round to the Pacers, who finish them off in Game 7 at the Fleet Center.

2005-2006: Danny Ainge lets Gary Payton walk as a free agent and completes a sign-and-trade deal that sends Antoine Walker to the Miami Heat for Qyntel Woods and Curtis Borchardt (neither of whom ever play for the Celtics), two future second round picks, the rights to a Spanish center who never plays for them, cash, and some old Rainbow Bright trading cards. Ainge also signs Brian Scalabrine to a five year, $5 million contract. During the season, Ainge trades Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, and Marcus Banks to the Minnesota Timberwolves for Wally Szczerbiak (and his bad knees), Michael Olowokandi (and his lousy work ethic), and Dwayne Jones. Paul Pierce plays like an MVP, but the team finishes with a 33-49 record and doesn’t make the playoffs.

2006-07: The Celtics trade for Sebastian Telfair instead of drafting Brandon Roy; Telfair proves to be a bad fit, gets into legal trouble and is eventually released while Roy goes on to become the Rookie of the Year. Red Auerbach dies. Doc Rivers continues to "coach." Paul Pierce gets "injured" and the team begins to tank. This leads to a franchise-worst 18-game losing streak in the midst of a 2-22 stretch that lasts from December 2006 to February 2007. Dennis Johnson dies. The team finishes 24-58, which is the second worst record in the NBA. The team gives Rivers a contract extension. The Celtics effectively mortgage their future in the hopes of landing the first or second pick in the draft (and thus the chance of selecting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant). Instead, the Celtics end up with the fifth pick, which was (of course) the worst possible slot they could have drawn. It becomes official: the Celtics are doomed forever.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Boston Celtics, Danny Ainge, Destrucity, Doc Rivers, NBA Draft, Paul Pierce, various Celtics players