I think we're gonna see a lot of sad Spurs benches this season...
The Excremento Kings: The Purple Paupers -- the youngest team in the league in case nobody told you -- managed to hang around because the Bulls couldn't hang onto the ball (18 turnovers for 23 points going the other way) or defend without fouling (the Kings got 34 free throw attempts).

Unfortunately, the Sactowners couldn't knock down their freebies (20-for-34) or protect the painted rectangle. The Bulls scored 33 fast break points and finished with 54 points in the paint. According to Hoopdata, Chicago was 19-for-24 at the rim (79.2 percent) and 8-for-14 from 3-9 feet (57.2 percent).

Can you say "layup drill"?

Said Kings coach Paul Westfail: "We defended them pretty well, but we can't defend breakaway layups. We have guys crashing the boards, where we have no business doing, and we had guys not rotating back and trying to get steals in the backcourt. The Bulls can run, everybody knew that. If you want to win games, don't give them layups. Make them run their offense."

Bonus bawful stat: The Paupers bricked 12 of their first 13 shot attempts.

Carlos Boozer: On a night when the Bulls had a red carpet escort directly to the hoop, Boozington attempted exactly two shots at the rim. Remember: He's an "inside" player. Meanwhile, he was 1-for-5 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-5 from 16-23 feet. I'm just sayin'.

Jimmer Fredette: Oh my God...this kid is a straight up gunner. He somehow finished with a team-high 3 assists, but I think those were times he lost the ball by mistake. At one point, he drove straight into four Bulls defenders...AND HE SHOT THE BALL. I feel sorry for any woman who dates him, 'cause this man only has eyes for the rim. Even Antoine Walker is kind of embarrassed for him.

The San Antonio Spurs: The old guys were gassed last night, which was their third game in a four-day span, and it showed: 37 percent from the field, 2-for-17 from downtown, and a deficit as large as 25 points. Timmy D went 1-for-8 before getting the second half off. Richard Jefferson was 2-for-10. None of the starters logged a single fourth quarter minute.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We were not playing well and I decided not to play them, and I was able to work other guys and get some other looks."

Added Manu Ginobili: "We were below where we want to be. In a season like this, we will have to wait and see if this might happen more often. You have to let it go and think about the next game."

If the Spurs weren't already finished, this lockout-shortened season will do it.

I mean, you wanna talk about not having any legs? They were 24-for-35 at the rim, but they were 4-for-17 from 3-9 feet, 2-for-12 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-12 from 16-23 feet. And 2-for-17 from three, as I already pointed out.

Tim Duncan: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Spurs were outscored by 28 points with Tim Duncan on the floor on Thursday night. His -28 is the third-worst plus-minus he's had in any regular-season game in his career, surpassed by a pair of -29 games against the Lakers (in the 2003-04 and 2010-11 seasons)."

The New Jersey Nyets: I loved this blurb from the AP recap: "In an effort to get off to better starts, the Nets adjusted their starting lineup by inserting Sundiata Gaines and Mehmet Okur in place of Anthony Morrow and Johan Petro. It didn't help." Nor did th fact that Brook Lopez was out with a broken foot.

Dwight Howard had his way (16 points, 7-for-9, 24 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) and the Nyets couldn't have found the rim with a GPS and an army of blood hounds specifically trained to locate the basket. New Jersey shot 37 percent from the field and 6-for-17 from downtown. They gave up 25 points off 15 turnovers and got outscored 42-26 in the paint. And the Magic ran away with the game despite bricking 12 free throws and shooting only 44 percent themselves.

Deron Williams: Remember a while back when Deron said he was the best point guard in the league? Next thing you know, he was running Jerry Sloan out of Utah, getting traded to the Nyets, and now he's tossing up garbage for field goal attempts. On Tuesday, Williams went 3-for-11 against the Hawks, and last night he shot 2-for-12 against the Magic. He's shooting 28 percent from the field and averaging only 5.7 assists. His PER is 10.50.

Well, he wanted out of Sloan's rigid offensive system. And that's what he got. Congrats, D-Will.

Said Williams: "It is definitely frustrating. I am not playing well right now and the team is not playing too well right now. It is not time to panic. We are going to have a little bit of struggles just because everybody is learning."

Uh, shouldn't you have learned to shoot by now, Deron?

The Dallas Mavericks: All Cuban's Cowboys had to do to avoid falling to 0-3 on the season was play 1.4 seconds of defense. And...


...fail.

The Nuggest and Blazers: Pretty decent game. Both teams made some mistakes. Portland shot well (52 percent) and dominated the boards (50-30), but they gaveup 29 points off 25 turnovers to keep Denver in the game. Meanwhile, the Nuggets racked up 28 fast break points and scored 54 points in the paint while committing only 7 turnovers, but they shot like crap (40 percent) and didn't have many of their three-point prayers answered (4-for-20).

In a battle of good shooting and shitty shooting, the good shooting usually wins.

The New York Bricks: When an "all offense, no defense" team has no offense...bad things happen.

Except for 'Melo (27 points, 8-for-14, 9-for-10 from the line), the other New York players lost control of the section of their brains that control shooting basketballs. As a team, Brick City hit only 31 percent of their field goals, finishing with only 6 fast break points and got outscored 44-26 in the paint.

New York was 0-for-7 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-4 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-16 from 16-23 feet, and 6-for-22 on threes.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "The Lakers are good, and we're awful. We didn't play well. We can't make shots. We started off really well. I thought the pace was good, the rhythm was good, and then it just went downhill from there."

Added 'Melo: "This game is about acting, and right now we're reacting. We just need to get out there and play ball."

Uh, no, you need to get out there and play defense.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I enjoy going against Melo, because I always win."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Kobe be lying. Kobe ain't hurt. I know him."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Magic: Justin Harper conjured a decent exact (90 seconds) 1.5 trillion payday - his second gathering of riches this season!

Bulls-Purple Paupers: Donte Greene (despite a 100% shooting percentage on one attempt) at 25 seconds and Isaiah Thomas (disregarding an assist) in 24 seconds were the Mario Brothers of the night, while Travis Outlaw bricked once from the Crocker Museum for a +1 suck differential in 8:36!

Nuggets-Blazers: Timofey Mozgov panned an board in 10:46, only to foul thricely and lose the rock once for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Corey Brewer had 32 seconds to hunt for gold coins in a Mario.

Knicks-Lakers: Jerome Jordan aired out a payday of 1.65 trillion (100 seconds) for the Dolan family, while Luke Walton nearly equalled his dad's endorsement money with his second capital gain so far, 2.1 trillion (128 seconds). Fellow Laker Andrew Goudelock fouled once in 100 seconds for a +1.

Labels: Deron Williams, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

The Milwaukee Bucks: Another night, another 85 points, and another crippling-for-their-playoff-hopes loss for the Bucks. Last season at this time, opposing teams were Fearing the Deer. This season, the Deer are Fearing the Headlights.

After being held to 56 points by Boston on Sunday, Milwaukee was shut down and lit up in Atlanta. Joe Johnson dropped 36 -- including 28 in the first half -- on 13-for-19 from the field and 6-for-9 from downtown. Josh Smith shot 8-for-12, Al Horford went 7-for-12, Marvin Williams went 7-for-9, and Kirk Hinrich and Damien Wilkins both went 3-for-3. As a team, the Hawks shot 63 percent from the field and 11-for-19 from beyond the arc and finished with an Offensive Rating of 120.8.

Hey...I thought the Bucks were supposed to be good at that "defense" thing.

Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "It's just another one of those games where we didn't play very well."

That's one bummed-out-sounding coach.

Status check: In their last two games, the Bucks have scored a combined total of 141 points (70.5 PPG) and been outscored by 56 points (28 PPG). And at 26-40, they're...only 2.5 games out of eighth place in the East?! Jesus Christ.

Update! Andrew Bogut, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Dan:

"I think we focused too much on scoring today and not enough on defense," said Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut.

I guess scoring 30 more points than against the Celtics is focusing on offense, but that's just sad.

The Washington Wizards Generals: How low are the expectations for the Generals? The Bulls beat them by 19 points despite being without both Carlos Boozer (sprained ankle) and Joakim Noah (flu-like symptoms!) and commenters in ESPN's Daily Dime Live chat were wondering why the Bulls weren't up by 30 at the half.

What's more: The Bulls held Washington to 79 point on 43 percent shooting and scored 22 points off 16 forced turnovers. The Generals managed only 33 points over the final 24 minutes. And yet Chicago coach Tom Thibodeau expressed near-disgust with his team's defensive performance.

Kurt Thomas nailed a buzzer-beating three at the end of the first half. It was Big Sexy's first three-pointer since April 10, 2005.

Oh, and did I mention that Keith Bogans drilled five triples and dropped a season-high 17 points?

You know you suck when...

In all fairness to the Generals, they were missing Rashard Lewis (knee), Cartier Martin (knee), Josh Howard (knee), Andray Blatche (shoulder) and Nick Young (more flu-like symptoms!). So, yeah, they were undermanned. Or whatever.

Said Washngton coach Flip Saunders: "We started three rookies. We had a lot of opportunities to fold, especially the games we've played the last week or so. I thought our guys played hard. We just ran out of gas."

Nope, nosiree, no folding here. In probably unrelated news, the Generals are now 1-30 on the road this season. According to the AP game notes, only one team has gone 1-40 on the road since the NBA went to an 82-game schedule in 1967-68: The 1990-91 Sacramento Kings. C'mon. You knew I was going to work in a Kings reference, right?

JaVale McGee and the Quest for the Triple-Double Last night, McGee threw a block party in the United Center. He stuffed 12 shots...the most swats by an NBA player since Keon Clark registered 12 rejections back on March 23, 2001. It was also the most shots any player has had against the Bulls in a regulation game.

McGee ended up one block shy of the franchise record for blocks in a game set by Manute Bol, who returned 15 packages to sender for the then-Bullets on February 26, 1987.

Said McGee: "I had three [blocks] the first quarter and I was trying to match that in the second quarter and I had seven, so I was like I'm going to try and get 14. It was working for me tonight. I was blocking so good in the first half people were starting to hesitate and were more afraid to go up and it was easier to block shots."

Note JaVale never once said anything about his team in that quote.

Anyway, with the game way out of hand in the fourth quarter, the final few minutes were consumed by a) the United Center crowd's desire for free Big Macs and b) McGee's mad quest for the final point he needed for a triple-double. And JaVale got it on a dunk with 18 seconds left...then celebrated by hanging on the rim and screaming.

Said McGee: "That was the hardest one point I ever tried to make in my life. It was crazy, but I got it. It was a dunk of relief."

Note again that he didn't say anything about his team in that quote. In possibly related news, the Generals were down 18 at the time. And McGee earned a tech for his masturbatory celebration, and Kyle Korver knocked down the freebie, so McGee's dunk ended up being a net gain of only one point for his team. Kept 'em from losing by 20, though.

Here's video of McGee's sad end-of-game quest. I've seen WoW addict less desperate to lose their virginity.


Bad as that was, it was only the second-most pathetic attempt at a triple-double in Washington franchise history:


Looks like I need to update my old Worst Evers: Triple-Doubles post.

The New York Knicks: Okay. This one hurt:


But forget Danny Granger's heroics. What really killed the Knicks was letting Tyler Hansbrough score a career-high 30 points. Mind you, Psycho T's previous career-high of 29 points was established in New York last Sunday.

Reality check: Hansbrough averaged 10.5 PPG on 46.2 percent shooting. In back-to-back games against the Knicks and Mike _'Antoni's _efense, he scored 59 points on 65 percent shooting (24-for-37).

Said 'Melo: "We all know what he was capable of doing. I don't think we made adjustments to him at the top of the key. Especially after the game he had in the Garden, I would think we would make some adjustments after that. He's played great these last two games."

Added Shawne Williams: "It feels bad. We know we got to get it going, some kind of way. I feel like we all got to take a good look in the mirror and redefine ourselves. We got to take more pride in defense."

In possibly related news, the Pacers scored 119 points on 52 percent shooting.

By the way, the Knicks are 5-6 in their last 11 games, including two losses to the Cadavers (12-53) and back-to-back losses to the Pacers (29-38). It's true what people have been saying: The Knicks are back! The bad Knicks.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, poster boy: Apparently, STAT things his offense is his interior defense.


The Dallas Mavericks: Last Wednesday, the Mavs choked away a seven-point lead in the final 1:13 of a 93-92 loss to the New Orleans Hornets, after which Dallas coach Rick Carlisle called his team "soft." Jason Terry was pissed. Caron Butler, who's not even playing at the moment, added, "I think this team is far from soft."

One week later, and the Mavericks (after thumping the increasingly defenseless Knicks) have lost back-to-back gut check games against the Lakers and Frail Blazers. And last night's loss in Portland was a particularly bitter pill to swallow, considering Dallas shot 59.7 percent from the field and got a Beast Mode game out of Dirk Nowitzki (28 points, 9-for-14 from the field, 9-for-9 from the line, 11 rebounds, and, of course, 0-for-1 on a potential game-winner).

Dallas gave up 15 offensive boards and got outscored 48-36 in the paint. But remember what Butler and Terry said: They ain't soft.

However, the Mavs have now lost four of six after winning 18 of 19, and the Lakers have leapfrogged them for second place in the West.

Chris's Invincible Lacktion Ledger:

Bucks-Hawks: Josh Powell chained himself to the ledger tonight despite a board in 6:06 by losing the rock twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl, while Zaza Pachulia put two assists aside in 11:49 with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:0 Voskuhl.

Generals-Bulls: Mustafa Shakur bricked twice (once from the Sears Tower) in 2:20 for a +2, a suck differential matched by THE Brian Scalabrine in 4:12 from Congress Street! Also recording lacktive marks for the heifers were Omer Asik, who negated a free throw and board in 9:36 with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and new Chicagoan Rasual Butler, powering up a Virtual Boy in 57 seconds for a Mario.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Dallas's Brian Cardinal produced one piece of masonry for a +1 in 4:48.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, JaVale McGee, New York Knicks, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Snoop gotta avoid looking directly at the suck.

The Los Angeles Los Lakers: Hey guys, the Miami Heat have won a basketball game against the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.

















The Nueva York Knickerbockers: With 52 points and three players in double figures at the half, the-...

...

...what? Is there any more I can add about a game between two good teams I highly dislike (for different reasons, obviously) that will be reported on ad nauseum even moreso than usual today? Can't a man intentionally choose to take a fantastic nap and not DVR said game and happen to wake up in time for the next game and just leave a big blank space instead? I can't even throw in a sarcastic "Lakers are struggling the Heat are BACK AND SURGING" joke because people will actually be supporting this angle. In expectation of overly-critical Lakers fans, and bandwagon Heat fans trying to be cute and talking about good basket game wins, I choose to not contribute.

OTOH, maybe we're saved from the worst...

Sorry, I don't have credits for whoever made this! But you are awesome.

(Note: The graph was created prior to that barftastic Emperor Riley article after the Portland loss.)

OTOOH, maybe the worst is yet to come...

Doesn't it start to hurt? After all that masturbation?

Video evidence of Kobe Doin' Work After Work. Okay, enough of that. There is this one other thing...

Chris Bosh, quote machine (as seen first on TNT's Halftime Report): "It was just a relief really,... just to come out on top, you know,... it's the best thing to do sometimes, it's just, y'know, get a little man hug, and keep going." *sex offender grin*

Hey guys, ready for our post-win manhug?

Back to our regularly scheduled Basketbawful...

The Nueva York Knickerbockers, take 2: They held the Mavs to only two players in double figures at the half, which is nice I guess (Terry with 14, Marion with 12). But a team scoring 72 by the half? Sounds like someone was playing a D'Antoni team!

[[D'Antoni not amused stock photo]]

Sure the Knicks made a little run to keep it within, uh, 15, but when all you get is 2 points from your starting Center (Jared Jeffries? That's our D'Antoni!), and 2 points from your bench (minus 6th man Shawne Williams, in a combined 46:20 playing time), losses like this are just gonna happen.

Said poor Marv Albert in desperation: "Fans, we've got a game! This is the closest it's been in the 2nd half!" with 3:46 left in the 4th and the Knicks still down 115-104, as the game inched closer to it's 127-109 conclusion with nearly every courtside seat empty.

And Corey Brewer had his say in something that I guess counts as a revenge game, having only been a Knick for a few hours, but alas, may his 7 points on 3-4 shooting with 4 REB, 4 AST, 2 STL, 1 TOV, and 5 PFs in just 16:50 minutes performance be forever burned into New York history.

I play basket game for New York

Meanwhile, the Mavs are now in a 20-3 stretch, with all 3 losses by only a single point.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire and Bennett Salvatore: But let's rewind to the 2nd quarter, where STAT picked up his 16th technical of the year on a classic NBA 2010-11 Respect The Game call. I mean, he wasn't moving towards the official, and his hands weren't even above his shoulders, let alone his head!!

I'm still torn between being happy that whining is being punished, and giving official more control of the games, and the widening gap between superstar treatment and the middle class NBA player, and the fact that we have to look for stupid shit as I demonstrated in jest in the prior sentence.

Meanwhile, Salvatore is still referee filth, nothing new to see here.


Le Basket Game!

The Phoenix Heart Attack Suns: To be fair, this atleast was a different heart attack than what's been happening lately skating by with all these close wins. Just horrible stretches of nothing but turnovers, topped off by this lovely sequence to end the half:

0:06 55-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Nene Hilario steals)
0:04 57-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Ty Lawson steals)
0:01 59-49 Grant Hill bad pass

And even though it seemed like both teams needed MORE TURNOVERS FOR THE TURNOVER GODS, games with each team recording 19+ TOVs are surprisingly common, having already happened in 41 times this season.

So the Suns became yet another casualty to Denver's wounded tiger run. As this point late in the season, looks like this will be enough to ensure Denver's playoff spot, while Portland's resuccitation, Memphis's solid play with or without Gay, and New Orleans's sqeezing every last Win Share out of Chris Paul combine to make Phoenix the 9th wheel. With our potential draft pick being estimated in the Jimmer Fredette range, and a potential lockout to strip us from Nash's potential last season in the valley, things are not looking hopeful for the Suns faithful.

Not good at all. I tried telling myself at the beginning of this season to not put hope in this team. Somehow I got suckered in again through some cognitive dissonance from the Hedo trade, to Gortat finding statistical manna playing with Nash. Stuck in the dreaded treadmill of mediocrity, as put by Mark Cuban recently at the Sloan Conference.

I don't know why I chose tonight to decide to believe this, after all the other rants I've incoherently put together. I like to believe in miracles, as something that occurs outside of ones picture of reality. Reasonable miracles really, such as a Tim Duncan 3 pointer, or Tim Donaghy.

But at some point, things hit a limit of reasonability at a different point for any given individual. Obviously all 29 other NBA teams could be replaced by D-Leaguers and Andrea Bargnani's, and hope would be restored. But after tonight's game, I just feel enough of the picture is shown, that there's no reason to hope anymore. I can't even bring myself to see the playoffs percentage countdown from 30% to 0%, as I did back in 2009. Sure I'll continue to read what they say on Twitter, watch Gortat highlights on YouTube, and be amazed at the agelessness of Hill and Nash. But that upper limit, upper potential, no longer.

Maybe this happens to all fans, or not at all. Maybe it just happens really quick and early. Maybe it occurs with a big sudden event, such as the incidents that have occurred to the Jazz who I'd model as the situation most similar. Maybe there's something about enjoying stories of justice and revenge that's unhealthy at the sports level, maybe not. I wish I could say I'd prefer it any of those ways, but I don't know. All I know is that one time is absolutely worth it.

In a day which I'm sure will be dominated by Lakers and Miami fans looking for sympathies, may atleast one voice for true lost hope in the Suns be spoken. And we can all continue to ignore the Spurs and the Mavericks.


-AnacondaHL

chris's Lacktion Report: Always providing hope, for the best of the worst.

Lakers-Heat: Erick Dampier divvied out three boards in 18:37, but also had a brick, foul, and three turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Joel Anthony countered a singular rebound in 4:52 with two fouls for a 2:1 ratio of his own.

Knicks-Mavs: Jared Jeffries. Voskuhl. Duh. 7:6 in 23:31 of starting-big-man time, countering four boards, an assist, and field goal with four fouls and three turnovers.

Ronny Turiaf blew a block in 11:51 with 3 fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For Dallas, Ian Mahinmi can now buy as many Dairy Queen Blizzards as he wants from Mark Cuban after gathering up a 1.6 trillion (1:35).

Labels: I freaking hate the Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night

Detroit, ladies and gentlemen! Detroit.
Mind-blowing quote of the day, via a tweet from Zach McCann: Gilbert Arenas to JJ Redick: "We're the two best white shooters in the NBA."

...Okay then.

So, moving along, heads up, golf fans! (That includes you, Pistons, Nyets, and any other NBA players who will have a lot of free time when the playoffs roll around.) The next release of EA Sports' Tiger Woods franchise will definitely be worth buying -- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12 will finally include the Masters, marking the first time Augusta National has appeared in a videogame. Many of us thought this day would never come, considering the reluctance Augusta's management has shown over the years to even broadcast every hole of the tournament, much less allow someone to play it in a video game. That being said, I'm even more surprised by this: you will be able to play Augusta as a female golfer in the game. So much for the game being realistic, I guess. The best tweet about this comes from ESPN's Jason Sobel: "EA Sports missed some things with Virtual Augusta. Example: Can't use prize money to buy t-shirts from John Daly at Hooters down the street."

Random video of the day: Ray Romano on Saturday Night Live back in 1999 making fun of Sportscenter. Aside fromTim Meadows' Stuart Scott doppelganger having two functioning eyes, it's pretty well spot-on. Perhaps my favorite part of the clip, however, is something one of the random Yahoo commenters also pointed out: "Wow the Sonics had a bad night... lost to the Jazz in Utah and to the Lakers in Seattle." And we thought playing on back-to-back nights was bad... Also, I'm sure Seattle would be happy to be in that situation today, since it'd at least mean they have a team.


Sweet sassy molassy!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!
What is Erik Spoelstra doing?

Turkoglu triple doubles do not make Stan Van Gundy a happy man

A picture says a thousand words, and this picture of Nate Robinson's expression says... something

I think Adam Sandler made this same exact face at some point in The Waterboy

"I can't bear to look! ...Okay, maybe just a peek."

Nationally Televised Games:
Spurs at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Numbers guru and PER proponent John Hollinger predicts Knick mediocrity thanks to a schedule that corrects itself after starting off super duper easy. Really? You don't say? That's only what pretty much all the writers and commenters on this blog have been proclaiming for weeks upon weeks now. And none of us needed a complex formula to figure that one out because sometimes it's just not necessary. Yes, advanced metrics are good for some things. But common sense and a quick glance at the schedule could fill in some blanks on this one.

All The Other Games:
Bucks at Heat, 7:30pm: I would call this a trap game, but have you seen the Bucks' offense this year? Hard for them to sneak up on anybody. Also, just for the record, I love the fake music-related nicknames thing from the WOTN comments today. Keep it going, guys.

Craptors at Bulls, 8pm: Check out this terrible Craptors jersey that appeared on Straight Cash Homey. Even better, it was spotted by Tas from The Basketball Jones. I love it when some of my favorite blogs end up working together somehow.

Also, Bawful noted something interesting about this game on his By the Horns blog:

Now, believe it or not, the Raptors have been on a roll against the Bulls in Chicago. The dinosaurs have won five of their last six games in the United Center, including the last three in a row. According to STATS LLC, Toronto has averaged 107.2 PPG while holding Chicago to 93.2 PPG during that stretch. Over the last three of those games, Derrick Rose has scored 13.7 points and shot 42.9 percent.

Of course, the Raptors haven’t played in Chicago since losing Chris Bosh. Or, for that matter, since Carlos Boozer started suiting up for the Bulls. So perhaps only recent history matters. When the Bulls played in Toronto on December 15th, Rose struggled in the scoring department (6 points on 3-for-9 shooting), but he had 11 assists as Chicago shot 53 percent as a team and won 110-93.

Thunder at Grizzlies, 8pm: Gloriously generic line from the STATS LLC game preview: "Improving their defense might help the Grizzlies with their consistency." Couldn't you say that about any team in any situation? If all other factors stay the same, improving your defense will always help you more consistently win games.

Frail Blazers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Caron Butler = done for the season. Somehow the Mavs playing the Frail Blazers the same day this news breaks HAD to happen.

Hawks at Kings, 10pm: Let me get this straight. Joe Johnson's struggling with his shooting touch (6-of-20 from the field on Friday, 7-of-20 on Sunday). Yet the Hawks offense is still "give Joe Johnson the ball and let him shoot." Yes! It makes perfect sense! Or none at all.

Pistons at Lakers, 10:30pm: Some in-depth analysis courtesy of our old friend Knee-Mac: ""We haven't really put together consistently four quarters. We play well for a half or three quarters, but then we always have that quarter that lets us down." Basically, yes. This is why you're the Pissed-ons.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Detroit Pistons, John Hollinger, New York Knicks

NBA officials just invented a time machine to travel back in time and T up Sir Charles
(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Is there anything worse than that post-holiday hangover? I'm still sweating bacon grease after celebrating Birdmas.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I bet that Geico Gecko can really ball. He's at least a 6th man for the Nets, right?

So, this was the most awkward hug ever, right? I mean, if their legs so much as bumped into each other, that'd be dual career-ending injuries

The Lakers let this guy light them up?

Nationally Televised Games:
Nuggets at Celtics, ESPN, 7pm: Rajon Rondo is scheduled to return to the lineup for this game. Hell. Yes. This will be a fun game to watch.

All the Other Games:
Bulls at Cavaliers, 7pm: This game may not be quite so fun to watch, courtesy of the poor Cavaliers.

Craptors at Knicks, 7:30pm: Amar''''e is looking to become just the second player in team history to score 30 in six consecutive games (which the Craptors defense can certainly allow), and the Knicks are riding high right now. They've won 10 of their last 11 thanks to a stretch in their schedule softer than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man falling in a pillow factory. So I'm really going to enjoy seeing them drop 10 of 11 when their schedule corrects itself in the coming weeks as noted in the WOTN.

Pistons at Hornets, 8pm: Can we all just agree that the Hornets are a mess right now thanks to this whole ownership deal combined with their on-court product?

Pacers at Bucks, 8pm: Can we please have a moment of silence for the jump shot of every Bucks player? It was officially declared dead Monday with their 35 point first half effort against Miami.

Thunder at Timberwolves, 8pm: Uh oh. Darko left Monday's game early with an injury to his right quadriceps, and his status is unknown. Could his stretch of comptetence be in serious danger? (I can hear the cries from Minnesota from here! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!")

Warriors at Spurs, 8:30pm: Remember what Bawful said in the WOTN post about "career highs" and "season highs" always being set against the Warriors? Here's something even more bawful than that: the Spurs have beaten the Warriors 24 straight times in San Antonio. You read that right. Twenty four. Yes, that is the longest active home streak against a single opponent. Ladies and gentlemen, the Gol_en State Warriors!

Grizzlies at Suns, 9pm: And remember when these guys battled their way into a double-overtime thriller just a few weeks ago? I love the Suns, but come on, that was against the Grizzlies. And now they melted down last night in the 4th quarter against the Frail Blazers. I don't want to predict anything about this game.

Heat at Jazz, 9pm: Opening line to the STATS LLC preview of this game: "Much of the criticism surrounding the Miami Heat for their lackluster start has dissolved with the team reeling off five straight wins." Has it? Really? Has it? The fact that they've won five meaningless games against inferior opponents has dissolved much of the criticism? Does nobody read this blog???

Wizards Generals at Kings, 10pm: I feel confident in saying that this game will be completely, totally, utterly unwatchable whenever John Wall and Tyreke Evans aren't on the floor.

Lakers at Clippers, 10:30pm: Word is Andrew Bynum plans to return to action on December 14 against the Wizards Generals. In related news, Bynum plans to return to the IR for his next knee injury on December 15.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, New York Knicks

Look out, Pau! Zombie Omer Asik is coming for your brains!
I love basketball. Check out the story behind this seven overtime Division III thriller. Then check out the box score and notice that two players managed to get one trillions in this game. Glorious! Also, you have to appreciate Lance Spratling's 0-for-13 effort from downtown in the 75 minute effort he gave his team. (Yes, he played 75 minutes. That is not a typo.)

My favorite photoshop of the day? The one of AK-47 having an orgy with several mascots in this post at Food Court Lunch.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I better carry this football around so nobody confuses me for a Nyets player!"

Huh. I barely recognized John Kuester without his palm pressed against his face

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Magic, ESPN, 7:30pm: Going down the checklist, the Heat are lacking size, injured, have questionable chemistry, and the Magic will be in full revenge-game mode after they got stomped earlier this season. This could be fun!

All The Other Games:
Bucks at Cavaliers, 7pm: We've got two struggling teams working three game losing streaks. And it's certainly understandable why Milwaukee isn't winning. NBA-worst shooting percentage and fewer points per game is not a good way to win games, no matter how good your defense is. You still have to score more points than the other team. Do they understand this? Does Scott Skiles need to call a team meeting to remind them about basic fundamentals of math?

76ers at Craptors, 7pm: I get that the Craptors are "rebuilding" since they no longer have Chris Bosh to be, well, like a Bosh. That being said, can you really count acquiring Jerryd Bayless and Peja Stojakovic as "rebuilding?" Oh well, it doesn't matter. They're still better than Philly. Barely.

Knicks at Bobcraps, 7pm: As pointed out by Mike Mai in WOTN comments, the Knicks are on a 4 game winning streak. Their next 4 opponents: Dirty Birds, Pissed-Ons, Nyets, and tonight they play the Bobcraps. It's very possible they can reel off an eight game win streak and destroy the universe in the process. I'm scared.

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: Rondo's out again, and I'd just like to remind everyone that the Celtics somehow managed to lose to last year's horrific version of the Nyets. Ugghhhhhhhh. Can they possibly get a third consecutive big game out of Nate Robinson?

Spurs at Timberwolves, 8pm: I don't care if Darko's caught on fire like a barrel full of oily rags in an oxygen chamber. The Timberwolves are allowing over 110 points per game, and the Spurs are the kind of smart, brutal team that will step on your throat when they get you down. I expect a blowout here, period. So, yes, when the Spurs manage to lose this game or something, I give you full permission to point and laugh at me.

Mavericks at Thunder, 8pm: I'm not going to lie -- I'm disappointed this game isn't on ESPN instead of the Heat-Magic game.

Pistons at Grizzlies, 8pm: Good news, Grizzlies fans! You have the cheapest average ticket price in the NBA! Not that you should pay that kind of price to see this game, but still.

Warriors at Rockets, 8:30pm: Remember the last time these two met up? They combined for 260 points. Pro tip: stopping the other team from scoring is sometimes a good idea, guys.

Bulls at Suns, 9pm: Okay, the Circus Trip is bound to be wearing the Bulls down by this point. I understand. That being said, have you seen Phoenix play defense this year? No, of course you haven't. Nobody has.

Hornets at Jazz, 9pm: This is not a good time to face Chris Paul. His team just lost a trap game to the friggin' Clippers. That's embarrassing. They will be out for blood. Be careful, Utah. New Orleans is gonna come out swinging and looking to knock them out like Sergio Martinez did to Paul Williams the other night.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic

Don't forget about...the...Hawks...oh, never mind.
The Orlando Magic: Memo to the rest of the NBA: If you pull ahead of the Utah Jazz by 18 or more points...they have you exactly where they want you.

Down 18 points to the Clippers on Saturday: They won.

Down 22 points to the Heat in Miami on Tuesday: They won.

Down 18 points to the Magic in Orlando on Wednesday: They won.

What's the deal? Ancient Chinese secret?

Said Paul Milsap: "I guess, getting behind. I guess that's what it takes to show all our talents."

The Jazz got behind while the Magic were getting it from behind. Utah put on a 24-2 run between the third and fourth quarters and then outscored Orlando 39-20 in the fourth to win 104-94, completing a staggering 28-point turnaround. On the road. Against a supposed contender. On the second night of back-to-backs. After beating the Super Friends of South Beach.

Said Stan Van Gundy: "Ridiculous professional basketball."

By ridiculous, SVG must be referring to the 25 points his team gave up off 21 turnovers (including 6 TOs for Dwight Howard). Or maybe it was the 11 missed free throws (including 8 by Pumaman). Or maybe it was the defense, which, well, yeah.

Balls.
Bonus bawful from reader William W.:

Watching Jazz vs Magic out of the corner of my eye, with ~3:50 left in the fourth quarter Rashard Lewis drove to the basket and then kicked out to the corner for a three... but the pass bounced off the legs of one of his teammates on the bench who was half standing up. Best part, the intended recipient (Redick I think) was wearing a towel. Cut to Stan Van Gundy mouthing "you've got to be f***ing kidding me". When the Magic were next on the offensive end Redick had a warm-up jacket on.

Great success!

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "Improbable? We're supposed to be able to play. It wasn't probably, it was just a matter of trying to come and play and worry about what happened later."

Also, regarding whether Miami-Orlando was the toughest back-to-back road combination the Jazz could have faced:

"You mean because of the weather? It's a 20-minute flight. It's not so bad."

Have I mentioned I have a man crush on this crotchety old bastard?

Carlos Boozer: From Basketbawful reader Stockton:

Utah's Paul Millsap is one of three players in the league averaging at least 20 points and 10 rebounds per game. Millsap is posting a team-high 24 points and 10.9 boards per outing, joining Howard and the Lakers’ Pau Gasol in the esteemed category.

As for Boozer, he leads the league in injuries caused by bags.

The Atlanta Hawks: Okay. Where are all those "Don't forget about the Hawks!" articles and blog posts now?

There's no sugarcoating this one: The Bucks flat out pummeled the Dirty Birds. Milwaukee won the second quarter 33-14. The Bucks' reserves outscored Atlanta's bench 35-6...in the first half. Milwaukee led by as many as 30 points and the Hawks had to outscore them 32-20 in the fourth quarter to make the final score (108-91) simply "humiliating and pathetic" instead of "totally retarded."

By the way: The game was in Atlanta.

Said Al Horford: "It's hard to explain. I don't understand what happened."

Added Josh Smith: "When adversity hit us in the face, we went our separate ways."

And Hawks coach Larry Drew said: "When it gets a little tough, we have a tendency to hold our heads down. I don't want to see our guys hang their heads."

Uh oh. Is somebody going to warn him or should I?

Joe Johnson: The line: 13 points, 5-for-13, 0-for-3 from downtown, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. The contract: Six year, $119 million.

The Houston Rockets: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

The Rockets and Wizards Generals had their own Short Bus version of the Thunderdome last night. Houston was 1-5 and Washington was 1-4. Somebody was coming out of this with two wins...and somebody wasn't.

The Rockets were the wasn'ts.

John Wall went into Rookie God Mode (19 points, 13 assists, 10 rebounds, 6 steals) and poor Yao Ming -- SHOCK ALERT! -- got injured (strained tendon) six minutes and 14 seconds into the game. The Rockets shot 39 percent, gave up 25 fast break points and further tarnished the money ball genius of Daryl Morey.

Said Rick Adelman: "I was disappointed again. Every game we've had this year -- except for the one we won -- right down to the fourth quarter, we have a chance to win, and we don't get it done."

The Celebration of Chinese Heritage: From Basketbawful reader Myles N.:

Watching the Wizards game? Asian Heritage Night makes for pretty funny commentary.

During a commercial break they did a tiny piece on 'Dray learning more about Yi's "culture" by going to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I'm not sure how familiar you are with "Chinatown" in DC - but it's pretty much two blocks. So this is already a little funny for me. They then cut to show 'Dray and Yi sitting down and eating together, and the narrator drops a choice quote - "This kinda reminds me of Rush Hour!".

High five!

The Toronto Raptors: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

There was another Thunderdome brewing in Toronto last night as the 1-6 Bobcats took on the 1-6 Craptors for the rights to a 1-7 record.

Well, the Craptors "won" that right.


Toronto actually kept it close by scoring 36 points on the fast break. Of course, they gave up 21 points off 17 turnovers. The most costly turnover came at the end. With the 'Cats holding a three-point lead and only five seconds to go, Stephen Jackson stripped the ball from Andrea Bargnani. And that was Game Over.

Andrea Bargnani: "I lost the ball. There's no more to describe. He tipped it away."


The Cleveland Cavaliers: There were some feel-good vibes going down in Cleveland. And why not? The so-called Unamazing Cavaliers had defied the early-season odds by opening the year 4-3 and leading the Central Division. The Nyets came into the game riding one of the longest November losing streaks in league history.

So naturally, the Cavs -- playing at home -- lost.

What can I say? It was a close game. Mo Williams got hurt (again) and Devin Harris was really good (31 points, 9 assists). The Cavs gave up 15 offensive boards and 35 free throw attempts.

The New York Knicks: Throw in a classic revenge game for David Lee (28 points, 11-for-17, 10 rebounds, 4 steals, 2 assists) and a mind-boggling 74 points in the paint and you have a pretty standard 122-117 homecourt loss for Mike 'Antoni's Bricks.

That's three losses in a row for New York.

Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "We just can't get comfortable with losing. That's the mentality that we can't have. So we've got to make sure that we understand how important it is to look at film and look at ourselves in the mirror and try to improve individually, and then ultimately we'll get better as a team. Hopefully we all as players will understand that and move on."

Speaking of STAT...

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: In many ways, Sun Tzu or whatever he calls himself had his best game of the season: 33 points, 9-for-15 from the field, 10 rebounds. But he was also the heart of an interior defense that gave up 74 points.

I'm just sayin'.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers were without Andre Iguodala (Achilles tendinitis) and Jason Kapono (personal reasons), yet they still managed to play tough on the road against the Oklahoma City Thunder. In fact, Philly was down only 99-96 with 2:35 to play and seemed poised for a key defensive stop considering the Thunder had to inbound the ball with only one second left on the shot clock.

Well, one second and one Thabo Sefolosha lob pass to Russell Westbrook later, the Sixers' wills were pretty much broken. That's been Philly's season. Mental lapses, communication breakdowns, sloppy play. Hey, who's coaching these guys, anyway?

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 1: "We've just got to be better in those crucial situations, and let's not take anything away. Durant's the leading scorer in the league and Westbrook is unbelievable, so it's not like we got beat by two guys who aren't great, great players. These guys won gold medals this summer."

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 2: "Basketball is a game of mistakes but you have to minimize them under pressure. We had a couple turnovers, loose with the ball, and then those two critical [plays] -- the three-point play and then Scotty Brooks drew up a great play, and we did not communicate."

Lou Williams: Let's see: 6 points on 2-for-11 shooting including 1-for-5 from beyond the arc. Oh, and Philly got outscored by 12 when he was on the floor.

The Memphis Grizzlies: What did Memphis coach Lionel Hollins think about his team's 106-91 home loss to the Mavericks: "Even if you are shooting 20 percent, you can still compete by playing defense, rebounding and make the other team have one less point than you. You can't just quit and not compete."

Aaaaaand...

"It's just one in 82 [games]. You try to win as many as you can. You try not to have a whole lot of these stinkers. That's what this was. A stinker."

For the record, Dallas shot 54 percent, scored 18 fast break points and led by as many as 21 points. Shawn Marion had a "back in my Phoenix days" performance with 20 points on 10-for-15 shooting and Jason Terry hit for 25 on 11-for-16 from the field. Hell, Brian Cardinal even had 5 points.

And, sweet baby Jesus, I know this will end up on the lacktion report but Hasheem Thabeet had a six trillion! I love this game!

Rick Carlisle, quote machine: "This guy is so tough, it is ridiculous."

Carlisle was talking about Dirk Nowitzki. No, really.

Dirk Nowitzki, pain management specialist: "It's usually the initial pain that hurts a little bit."

Initial pain hurts a little. Not always. But usually.

The Los Angeles Clippers: No Eric Gordon (shoulder). No Chris Kaveman (sprained ankle, painful ugliness). No Baron Davis (fat). No Randy Foyes.

Still, The Other L.A. Team kept the game reasonable close despite playing on the road against a good team. They were down only 95-90 with a few minutes to go when the camera panned to Vinny Del Negro calmly drawing up a play during a timeout with seemingly nobody looking on. If that's not Game Over, I don't know what is.

Check out this little snippet from the AP recap:

Injuries have decimated the Clippers, who are off to another horrendous start for the woebegone franchise. They fell to 1-8, so far showing no signs of the playoff potential that first-year coach Vinny Del Negro felt he had.

Vinny Del Negro + the Clippers = No playoffs ever.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 1: "It's not like we're going out there and giving up. It's tough. We've already lost more games than we lost my last year in college, and [Oklahoma] played almost three time the amount of games we've played."

Welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 2: "We got five guys hurt. It's weird; we came out of the locker to warm up and it was like half our team out there. It's like going into a battle with half your guys."

Again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin: 11 points on 18 shot attempts.

And once again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Richard Jefferson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "You look at Manu [Ginobili] and Tony [Parker]; they have the balls in their hand the majority of the game."

The Sacramento Kings: The morbidly depressing Timberwolves -- losers of six straight games -- brought their fail wagon to Sacramento to take on the previously 3-1 Purple Paupers. Minny was 0-5 on the road and playing the second night of back-to-back roadies following a tough loss to the Lakers.

This shoulda been a gimmie, right?

Instead, the Sactowners fell victim to a career night by Michael Beasley: 42 points on 17-for-31 shooting (including 7-for-10 from the line) to go with 9 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Sebastian Telfair -- yes, Bassy's still alive -- added 16 points on 8-for-14 shooting and Darko Milicic even submitted a near double-double (9 points, 8 boards).

Meanwhile, the Paupers shanked 12 free throws and surrendered 25 points off 19 turnovers. But hey, at least they held the T-Wolves to zero fast break points. So they have that going for them, which is nice.

Tyreke Evans: Wow. Rough night for the Freak: A season-low 5 points on 1-for-5 shooting to go with 9 assists and 5 turnovers. He even airballed a free throw attempt in the third quarter. Oh, and he fouled out with 9:02 left in the fourth.

Said Evans: "I just couldn't get into a rhythm; it was hard to play with foul trouble and coming out of the game. They were playing good defense and making me pass the ball."

Whaaaaa...? A point guard passing the ball?! Unheard of!

Darko Milicic: From Basketbawful reader 49er16:

Watching Darko is something everyone needs to do at least once this year. He's the Mona Lisa of bawful. Just truly terrible to watch.

Example: Darko grabbed an offensive rebound against the Paupers and immediately turned the ball over. The ball wasn't stolen or anything. Darko tried to pass the ball, but he threw it to no one. And I mean, there was none of his teammates near the general vicinity where Darko was passing the ball.

Paul Westphal, coach of the year candidate: "Obviously Michael Beasley was someone we didn't have any success at all guarding tonight. We tried pretty much everything we could try, and he had the answer [for them all]."

Bonus bawful: Joakim Noah vs. Kevin Garnett: From ESPNChicago via Wild Yams:

"Kevin Garnett will not -- will not -- get a Christmas gift from me. I don't like him."

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

"I had his poster in my room, I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down."

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don't know why, but that's who he doesn't like. He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

Yeah. It's always a good idea to give the Celtics bulletin board material.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Bucks-Hawks: Jarron Collins avoided pure lacktivity in 10:21 with an assist, but fouled and lost the rock three times each for a 6:0 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Magic: For the bebop cowboys, Francisco Elson treated them to a ledger appearance by countering a board in 5:11 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, fellow improviser Gordon Hayward bricked and fouled once in 4:10 for a +2 suck differential.

Bobcats-Raptors: DeSagana Diop dropped into Voskuhl territory again by negating one block in 3:58 with a foul, earning a 1:0 Madsen-level ratio.

Rockets-Generals: Hilton Armstrong asked room service to unmake his two boards in 9:29, and two fouls with one giveaway certainly undid a mildly productive night with a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Nets-Cavs: Quinton Ross's +3 in 4:50 via two bricks and a foul actually worked out for a celebratory cause, along with Joe Smith's 4.35 trillion and Damion James's 36 second Mario.

Warriors-Knicks: Timofey Mozgov moseyed into the ledger by countering a 100% free throw percentage (on two shots) in 1:59 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Mavs-Grizzlies: For Mark Cuban's collective, Ian Mahinmi had himself a +1 via foul in 3:52, also earning a 1:0 Voskuhl. Speaking of riches, former #2 overall pick Hahseem Thabeet found a gold mine worth 5.85 trillion (5:52)!

Sixers-Thunder: Cole Aldrich came into tonight's game ready to play some defense, and he did do so with two boards in 9:04. He lalso however fouled four times and lost the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl!

Clippers-Spurs: Chris Quinn continues to be the lacktive good luck charm for Gregg Popivch - with San Antonio not only 3-0 in his appearances, but richer tonight with a 1.2 trillion (1:11)!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

And this was one of the Bulls' better moments last night.
The Chicago Bulls Defense: This ball-buster can be summed up by one simple stat:

16-for-24.

That's what the Bricks, er, Knicks shot from three-point range last night. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 66 percent rate of accuracy.

Can you say "outlier"? No, really. Let's compare that to how well New York shot threes in their first three games: 7-for-24 (29 percent), 9-for-27 (33 percent) and 7-for-28 (25 percent). As a whole, that's 23-for-79 (29 percent).

So...yeah. Still, you'd think that, at some point, the Bulls would have come at them with some aggressive hand-to-the-face action, right?

Wrong.

Then there was the whole Danilo Gallinari situation. Check out the kid’s game log. Going into last night's game, he had scored a total of 18 points on the season while going 5-for-25 (20 percent) from the field and 2-for-11 (18 percent) from downtown. Against the Bulls, Gallinari scored 24 points -- 21 in the first half -- on 7-for-11 (63 percent) shooting, including 4-for-4 (100 f**king percent) from beyond the arc.

It doesn't stop there. It's just getting started.

In all fairness, Toney Douglas had been playing better than Gallinari. He'd scored a total of 32 points in New York's first three games while going 14-for-28 (50 percent) from the field...although only 3-for-12 (25 percent) from three-point range. Last night, Douglas wet 9-for-14 (64 percent) from the field and 5-for-9 (55 percent) on threes. He finished with a career-high 30 points.

Said Douglas: "I make sure that every time I shoot it that I have confidence that it’s going in. I can miss 10 in a row. I’m going to shoot the next one and make it."

Allen Iverson would be proud. But I can guarantee Tom Thibodeau isn't.

The crazy thing is, it's not like the Bulls weren't playing any D. They held New York to 42 percent shooting (24-for-56) inside the arc (thanks largely to Amar''''''e Stoudemire -- see below). Yes, they were slow to rotate on several three-point attempts. And some rotations were missed entirely. But several of those threes were contested. The Knicks were just unconscious. Raymond Felton -- a 32 percent career three-point shooter -- went 4-for-6. Bill Walker and Landry Fields each went 1-for-1.

It was demoralizing. Especially at the end of the first half, when everybody in a Bulls uniform looked shell-shocked. What can you do when your opponent is shooting beyond lights out? Every Chicago run was answered by another three-pointer or two or three or...they just kept coming. Next thing you know, the Bulls were leaving their feet, reaching in, and hacking their way to giving up 29 free throw attempts.

The Knicks were even on fire from the line, going 24-for-29 (82 percent) after shooting 18-for-27 (66 percent) and 14-for-25 (59 percent) in their previous two games.

The Bulls further hurt their cause with careless passing, giving up 26 points off 20 turnovers. The starters combined for 14 of those turnovers. Don't get me wrong. The extra passing was leading to offense -- Chicago had 27 assists on their 42 buckets -- but you don't want it leading to offense for the other team too.

Well, that's what happened last night. Especially during the final minutes of the second quarter. With the Knicks leading by 20-ish and closing in on a 70-point first half, the Bulls looked sluggish and confused, leading to one of the worst four-possession sequences I've ever seen: Possession 1: Noah was called for a three-second violation. Possession 2: Gibson traveled. Possession 3: Deng had the ball stolen by Gallinari. Possession 4: Deng committed an offensive foul.

The saddest part of the whole mess is that Thibs had to bench Deng, Noah and Rose to fire up his team. And Chicago's reserves very nearly made a game of it. A three-pointer by Korver cut New York's lead to 95-87 with 11:21 to go in the fourth. Of course, Douglas nailed a trey on the Knicks' next possession.

That's just the kind of night it was for the Bulls.

The New York Knicks defense: Let me be clear about this: The Knicks beat the Bulls because they drilled nearly 70 percent of their three-point attempts. They didn't win because of their defense.

The Bulls actually had a great offensive night themselves, shooting 52 percent from the field and nearly 50 on threes (9-for-19). Derrick Rose was great (24 points, 14 assists), Kyle Korver was on fire (18 points, 7-for-10), Taj Gibson was hitting on all cylinders (18 points, 10 rebounds) and Joakim Noah was Joakim Noah (12 points, 13 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks).

Sure, the Knicks had 12 steals, but a lot of those were the results of really sloppy passes by the Bulls.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: Before the game, the TNT crew (Ernie, Kenny and Charles) were discussing STAT's season-to-date. I don't remember the exact quotes, but I believe Ernie asked whether Stoudemire misses Steve Nash on offense, and Kenny replied that Nash was missing Amar''''''e more.

Really?

Sure, Stoudemire came into the game averaging over 20 PPG. But he was also shooting 45 percent...down from almost 56 percent last season and 54+ percent for his career. Against the Bulls -- and on a night when seemingly every other Knicks player had it going -- STAT went 5-for-21 (23 percent). All that three-point shooting should have opened up the inside for Amar''''''e to g to work, right?

In theory. And if Stoudemire had actual inside moves and stuff. His entire post-up menu seems to be composed of 1) beat defender off the dribble or layup or dunk, and 2) fumble around the paint until I can force up an awkward jumper/scoop/chuck/etc.

But hey, at least he had 8 turnovers and 6 personal fouls.

Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith, quote machine: While discussing Amar''''''e:

Chuck: "What do you call a power forward averaging 7 rebounds a game?"

Kenny: "A small forward."

C.J. Watson: 1-for-7 and rapidly losing confidence in his jumper. As well he sould be.

Derrick Rose's respect for human life: Out of the Bulls many lowlights against the Knicks comes this one highlight: D-Rose trying to destroy anyone within a five-foot radius of the rim. Thanks to AnacondaHL for providing linkage.


And now again in HD...with replays:


Eddy Curry sighting: Did you know: Eddy Curry's $60 million contract was simply a clever ruse by Isiah Thomas to sign LeBron James? I'm dead serious. More on this below.

Admit it. You just squeed.
Ozzie Guillen: With no regard for human life fashion.


The Portland Trail Blazers: I can't bust on the Frail Blazers too much.

Typical of this team's luck, they were already minus two centers (Greg Oden and Joel Przybilla) before Fabricio Oberto retired on them (see below). Portland also announced on Thursday that rookie Elliot Williams is likely out for the season because of surgery to repair a dislocated right patella. Oh, and then Rudy Fernandez missed the game because of back pain.

So it's not too surprising they were outlasted by the Thunder.

Still, Portland coach Nate McMillan thought his team wimped out a little bit: "I just think we settled. I thought there were lanes to drive and get to the basket against this team. There were a few times where we settled for the jump shot. We shot the ball well in the first half. In the second half, we continued to rely on the jump shot as opposed to attacking, being aggressive, playing from the inside out. We played on the perimeter tonight."

Reality check: The Blazers outscored the Thunder 50-34 in the paint. According to the shot chart, they attempted 28 layups. According to Hoopdata, NBA teams average 22.3 shots at the rim per game...and Portland averages 22.6. Of course, Oklahoma City currently leads the league in giving up shot attempts at the rim (31.0) and their opponents shoot the ninth-highest percentage from that range...so maybe Nate has a point.

Seattle Super Sonics fans: I appreciate their pain. I do. But at this point, it's kind of like Mike Tyson asking for another shot at Buster Douglas.

Poor Chewbacca still hasn't gotten over theImperial blockade of his home planet Kashyyyk.
Isiah Thomas: Has the man lost his mind? The answer is "yes" of course, but I'll let you be the judge. From ESPNNewYork:

Isiah Thomas thought he would be dead by age 20, so at 49 he offers no apologies for betting on himself. Exiled in Miami, haunted by his proximity to LeBron James, Thomas embraces his articles of blind faith like one would a baby in a storm.

Isiah believes James (and perhaps Dwyane Wade) would be starting for the New York Knicks if Isiah had remained president of the team.

Isiah believes he can recruit James out of Miami and into Madison Square Garden in 2014.

Isiah believes that, with or without James, he will someday help the Knicks win their first NBA title since 1973.

"I want to be on the float and I want to get my ring," Thomas said.

Whaaaaaa...? But wait. There's more.

Asked if he hopes to replace Donnie Walsh whenever the 69-year-old Knicks president retires, Thomas said, "Every single day of the week.

"When I look at my GM/executive record, if I'm evaluated on that, then whoever's after Donnie, if you're not talking about some of the top people in the game, I'll put my draft evaluation record up against anyone's."

Not done yet.

Vin Baker, Jerome James, Jared Jeffries.

There's no defending that, and Thomas knows it.

"But there were 24 All-Stars last year," he said, "and I left New York with two of them, David Lee and Zach Randolph. Jamal Crawford became a sixth man of the year."

Thomas believes injuries cost the Knicks a playoff appearance in 2007, the year he replaced Brown on the bench. "Before the trial," he said, "people weren't saying bad things about the Knicks. They were saying, 'Watch out for the Knicks.'"

Yeah, as in: "Watch out, whatever nasty shit they have all over them might get on you."

Here's the best part though.

Thomas said he needed to make the trade for Stephon Marbury to resuscitate a dead franchise. He blamed Brown for moving Trevor Ariza in the deal to acquire Steve Francis. Surrendering the draft picks that became LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah for Curry?

Curry played at a high level for Thomas for a bit, but soon enough devolved into a symbol of everything that went wrong between Seventh and Eighth avenues.

"There was a method behind the madness," Thomas said. He was confident Curry would opt out in 2010 to clear the necessary space for a fellow client of Leon Rose, name of LeBron James.

"My instincts always told me LeBron would be great in New York," Thomas said. "I remember talking to Jerry West about when he was going after Shaq and how he mortgaged the team and what he went through. I kept saying to Jerry, 'I think if I position this right, I'll have a shot at LeBron.'"

So let me get this straight. Wildly overpaying for Eddy Curry was all part of Isiah's master plan to bring King Crab to New York. He can't be serious. He just can't. It's not medically possible to be that retarded...is it?

Okay, I might have been wrong. This is probably the best part.

"In Toronto, Indiana and New York," Thomas said, "I've never actually gotten fired for a basketball reason."

Fun fact: During Isiah's reign of terror as the New York's President of Basketball Operations, the Knicks went 151-259 -- including 56-108 during his two-year stint as head coach -- and had zero playoff appearances. But he's never been fired for "a basketball reason."

Heart problems: They've robbed us of the Fabulous Oberto, who has officially retired because of a cardiac condition that caused heart palpitations and, presumably, totally awesome hair.

In a statement, Oberto said: "I made this decision to put my health and my family in front of basketball. It was a tough decision to make after playing for so many years, but it was the right one."

We at Basketbawful wish Oberto -- and especially his hair -- well.

Lacktion report: Chris had one brief entry from the Thunder-Blazers game: "Cole Aldrich combined currency for a 4.1 trillion (4:08) celebratory collection!"

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Chicago Bulls, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night

"We've rented this fog machine for the whole night, and damnit, we're going to get our money's worth!"
Mike Conley got a contract extension from the Grizzlies to the tune of $45 million over five years, and Hardwood Paroxysm is not happy about it. In fact, he went on one of the greatest rants in Twitter history about it. Check this Tumblr page that was created specifically to save this rant for posterity's sake. Some highlights:

IT's MIKE CONLEY! HE CAN'T DRIBBLE! HE'S AN EFFING POINT GUARD THAT CAN'T DRIBBLE!
You literally gave twice as much money as Darko got for a player who is even worse at his position than Darko. You outdid Kahn.
You could have extended Thabeet for the max. Better move. You could have traded Z-Bo for Darko. Better move.

Yeah, I'd say he's just a little pissed off. (h/t teaguejd)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Terrible news for the Bulls -- Carlos Boozer will be out 8 to 382 weeks after breaking his jaw and rupturing eight tendons after opening his mouth too wide

Shockingly, Luther Head didn't get a technical for turning his back toward the ref here!

Nationally Televised Games:
Grizzlies at Lakers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Not the greatest way for the Grizzlies to start a four-games-in-five-nights roadtrip. I don't think the Lakers are going to let the Grizzlies get 22 steals like the Timberwolves did the other night. Just a gut feeling.

All The Other Games:
Hawks at Cavaliers, 7pm: Joe Johnson had this to say after his last game: "I'm a shooter. I've got to keep shooting." Indeed. I don't think the Hawks are paying him $124 million to not shoot.

76ers at Wizards Generals, 7pm: Holy crap the Sixers are bad. This game will be nearly unwatchable. Maybe the Sixers should temporarily be run by Red Klotz and renamed to the Shamrocks, Reds, Rockets, Seagulls, or Nationals.

Celtics at Pistons, 7:30pm: Shaq is hurt??? Impossible! Inconceivable!! In other news, wow. Rajon Rondo. Dude's just dropping dimes everwhere. He could find a way to get credited for an assist on a basket he shoots himself at this point I think.

Timberwolves at Heat, 7:30pm: The Heat's defense is just unreal right now. They're only allowing 80 points per game, and they haven't allowed a field goal to a starting forward in the last two contests. So, yeah, think I'm just gonna go ahead and mark down the Timberpups for their 14th straight road loss...

Magic at Knicks, 7:30pm: POSTPONED because it's raining asbestos! Congratulations on having such an up-to-date arena, New York. (Then again, it's probably just a time capsule from the last time the Knicks were relevant, so that's fairly appropriate) In related news, Eddy Curry will become the first player to be listed on a box score: "DNP (mesothelioma)."

Trail Blazers at Bucks, 8pm: The Blazers let Luol Deng go off for 40 points. I fully expect Corey Maggette to drop 60 on them tonight. That's not unreasonable, right?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Eddy Curry, Mike Conley, New York Knicks

The Boston Celtics

Last season, Boston's two biggest problems were age and injuries. Their offseason response was to get older and more injury prone with the acquisitions of Shaq and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. Remember: The 2009-10 Celtics were only a few baskets away from winning Game 7 of the NBA Finals on the road against a pretty good Lakers team. So how seriously should we take the 2010-11 Celtics? Let me put it this way: Even die-hard Boston fans have to answer that question by saying, "If Shaq and/or Jermaine O'Neal can just..."

That's right. All it's going to take is for Shaq and The Drain the make an actual, basketball-related impact on their new team. Mind you, this is something they've utterly failed to do in each of the last couple stops of the NBA careers. Shaq sunk the Seven Seconds or Less Era in Phoenix before helping Cleveland lose LeBron James forever.

As for The Drain, he got passed around like a hot potato after the Pacers finally suckered somebody into taking his giant contract off their bloodstained hands, and he was declared legally deceased during Miami's one-round playoff run last season. Mind you, it was the Celtics are the team who eliminated the Heat, so they got to watch his playoff implosion up close. How bad was he? Well, he went 9-for-44 from the field, his PER was 2.5 and he finished the series with an Offensive Rating of 57. Oh, and in Miami's elimination game, he grabbed only two defensive rebounds.

But you know what? I don't see those shambling mounds as Boston's biggest problems. As a Celtics fan, I'm much more worried about the fact that Rajon Rondo still can't hit jump shots with consistency or knock down clutch free throws. Those two factors may very well have cost the Celts the 2010 NBA title. Speaking of things that may have cost Boston the title, how about Ray Allen's playoff shooting slump? Look, shooters slump, I get that. But Allen's have been getting worse, lasting longer and are becoming more critical because they're happening during the playoffs. Are these things going to get better by tacking on another year and more miles to his odometer? On top of those factors, now that Tony Allen is marinating in the Grizzlies locker room, who's going to hound the Kobes and LeBrons of the world?

And let's not forget the C's lost their defensive guru, Tom Thibodeau, to the Chicago Bulls.

Look, the Celtics are going to win their division. Mostly because the other teams in the Atlantic are the crappiest of the crappy crap (see below). And they'll definitely be dangerous come playoff time, assuming everybody remains relatively healthy. But the 2010 Finals proved that championships are won and lost by the slimmest of margins. The Celtics just have too many question marks and what ifs.

The New Jersey Nyets

Last season, the Nyets managed only 12 wins and needed a late-season run -- if you can consider five wins in their last 12 games a "run" -- to avoid becoming the worst team (in terms of wins and losses) in NBA history. Still, as horrific as the season was -- poor Brook Lopez has permanent handprints on his face from all the facepalming he did last year -- all the losing was supposed to have a happy ending. After all, New Jersey had stockpiled cap space for the summer's free agent bonanza and their record practically made them a mortal lock for the number one overall draft pick. If they could just win the draft lottery and select John Wall...

...only they didn't win the draft lottery. They got the third pick, which they used to select Derrick Favors, a kid with decent long-term potential but little chance of making an impact this season. Other key acquisitions include Travis Outlaw, Anthony Morrow, Troy Murphy, Quinton Ross, Jordan Farmar, Stephen Graham, Joe Smith's corpse and Johan Petro (for $10 million over three years...WTF?!).

I'm have absolutely no idea what kind of Frankenstein's monster new GM Billy King (a.k.a. the guy who once destroyed the Philadelphia 76ers) expects new coach Avery Johnson to build out of this freaky warehouse of scrap parts. But I can't wait to find out.

But you know what the best part is? After last year's near-record setting failfest, there's virtually no way the Nyets can't improve this season. Even a conservative estimate of, say, 24 wins would be an enormous improvement. So expect better days in New Jersey. Relatively speaking.

The New York Knicks

During the offseason, the Bricks spent $100 million on Amar''''''e Stoudemire. Which would be fine if Amar''''''e wasn't a total fraud.

Okay, okay. That's not fair. Stoudemire isn't a total fraud. The guy is a stud on offense, ranking 5th in free throw attempts (632), 7th in field goal percentage (.557) and 10th in points per game (23.1). However, most of those sparkling stats came at the end of an assist from Steve Nash. In Phoenix, Amar''''''e lived off the variety of dunks, layups and pick-and-pops that Nash created. Conversely, Stoudemire was at his absolute worst when trying to create offense on his own. Unless he could simply blow by his man and not encounter any help defense at the rim, the dude looked like a baby deer trying to run on ice skates. STAT isn't a creator, he's a finisher. What's he going to finish in New York? Other than the hopes and dreams of Knicks fans everywhere. Assuming those suckers have any hopes and dreams left.

Stoudemire cowers from defensive rebounds the way Ron Artest shrinks away from giant snake eggs. And his answer to "defense" is to either leap out of the way matador style or reach in with the awkward clumsiness of a teenage boy groping his first real breast, which is why he ranked 5th in personal fouls last season (281).

The point is: If Amar''''''e is the foundation of your team -- the unquestioned heart and soul -- then your team is officially f***ed. I fully expect Stoudemire to become this season's premier 20-10-50 guy.

Knicks hopefuls might want to point out that Donnie Walsh flipped David "All O, No D" Lee for Anthony Randolph, Ronny Turiaf and Kelenna Azubuike. I would remind those people that the team's starting point guard is Raymond Felton (a poor pick-and-roll player) and the team doesn't have much in the way of consistent, high-percentage three-point shooting. These things do not play to Stoudemire's strengths.

In other words: Expect New York's playoff drought to continue.

The Philadelphia 76ers

Year Two of The Elton Brand Era saw the Sixers win only 27 games and finish tied for the third-worst record in the Eastern Conference. According to the Pythagorean Wins calculated by Basketball-Reference.com, Philly was better than only the following teams: New Jersey, Minnesota, The Other L.A. Team, Detroit and Washington. That's a real rogue's gallery of suck, right there.

During 2009-10, the Sixers should have worn masks with question marks on them, because the team had no identity whatsoever. I mean, they were supposed to be a running team yet finished the season ranked 22nd in Pace and 23rd in PPG. Furthermore, they ranked 22nd in three-point percentage (.343) and their inside game was anchored by Elton Brand, who was granted Living Statue status by the world's leading statueologists. Basically, there really wasn't much of anything this team did particularly well. Other than lose, that is.

Now ask yourself this: Has anything of major significance changed from last season to this season? Flipping Sammy Dalembert for Andres Nocioni and Spencer Hawes makes the team...whiter...I guess. Number two overall pick Evan Turner was a summer league disappointment. And as for new coach Doug Collins, well, did you see his last two seasons as a head coach in Washington? He lost the trust of every player on that team not named Michael Jordan, and that was only because he was Jordan's Yes Man.

Which is why the quarterback battle between Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick is the only real ray of hope Philadelphia fans have right now.

Sorry, Philadelphia fans.

The Toronto Raptors

Last season, Chris Bosh ranked 6th in the league in rebounds per game (10.8), 7th in free throw attempts (590) and 9th in points per game (24.0). He was also 4th in Player Efficiency Rating (25.0), trailing only LeBron James (31.1), Dwyane Wade (28.0) and Kevin Durant (26.2). Of course, Bosh put together what was probably his best statistical season during a contract year while playing for a Raptors team that failed to make the playoffs. But those are just facts, so feel free to discard them.

(Reality check: Bosh ranked 7th in the league with 7.9 Offensive Win Shares, yet ranked only 19th overall with 9.6 Win Shares. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Bosh had only 1.7 Defensive Win Shares during his best statistical season. How is that possible? I'm sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with him gunning it on offense to improve his free agent standing.)
Anyway, even though Bosh was lighting it up -- at the offensive end, anyway -- the Raptors still floundered down the stretch and missed the postseason (thanks largely to an injury to Bosh). When Bosh decided to take his talents to South Beach, it was done to a massive chorus of "Good riddance!!" from Canadians everywhere. And yet...

...Bosh's departure has made Toronto's roster one of the most depressing sights in the league. Their best returning players (Andrea Bargnani, DeMar DeRozan and Jose Calderon) strike fear in no one's heart (unless you count their fantasy owners). Their new additions (Leandro Barbosa, Amir Johnson, Linas Kleiza and draft pick Ed Davis) would be decent pickups for a team that was already pretty good. But the Raptors aren't pretty good. And this season, they might even be the worst team in the league.

Labels: Atlantic Division, Boston Celtics, NBA season preview, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors