The Miami cHeat: As Basketbawful reader Aaron said: "The Heat can only beat bad teams" is no longer true!

Despite LeBron's big night -- 27 points, 12 assists, 10 rebounds, 20,562 boos and a three-pointer that shouldn't have counted -- the lowly Cadavers beat the mighty cHeat in what may be the greatest underdog story since Peter La Fleur's misfits from Average Joe's defeated White Goodman and his Globo-Gym team at the American Dodgeball Association of America tournament in Las Vegas.

I know what you're probably saying: Something like "Pffffft!!" or "Buhwhaaaaaa...?!" And not just because Globo-Gym wins in the alternate ending to Dodgeball. The idea that the worst team in basketball could defeat the Nazgul is nearly beyond belief. But I promise you: It's not a misprint. Not a typo. We're still two days away from April 1, so this isn't an April Fool's Day joke. Cleveland straight up took it to Miami despite the fact that (USELESS STAT ALERT!!) King Crab became the first (and only) player since Wilt Chamberlain to have a triple-double against a team he had won an MVP with.

So...how'd it happen?

From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Heat came into Tuesday's game ranked second in opponent field goal percentage. On Tuesday they allowed the Cavaliers to shoot 55.6 percent, giving up more than 12 percent on their season average. The Heat, who were outscored by 11 in the second quarter, allowed the Cavaliers to shoot 5-for-6 from outside of 15 feet including four 3-pointers in that quarter."

The Clevelanders finished with an eFG% of 62.7 percent and an Offensive Rating of 115.9. Miami could do nothing with J.J. Hickson (21 points and 12 rebounds) or Anthony Parker (20 points on 7-for-9 shooting).

Not only were the Cads red-hot, they held the cHeat to 42.3 percent shooting and outrebounded them 44-30. Cleveland led by as many as 23 points and held off a Miami rally to win by double digits. Speaking of which...

From ESPN Stats and Information: "Despite LeBron's historic effort, the Cavaliers beat the Heat by 12 to earn their first double-digit win this season. Every other team has at least four wins by 10 or more points. Should Cleveland not win one of its nine remaining games by double-digits, the Elias Sports Bureau says the Cavaliers would be just the second team ever to have fewer than two double-digit wins in a season. Cleveland would join the 1997-98 Raptors (one)."

I know, I know. Wow.

Said Anthony Parker: "The first time we played them here, we were embarrassed and they took a little from us. This is the night that we wanted to get that back, for us, but more for the fans. That was great getting it back for them."

Added cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra: "The majority of time in this league you get what you deserve and we got exactly what we deserved. They played harder than us. They came out with much more desperation and sense of urgency. This pattern started two games ago, and we're a little confused what our identity is."

Confused what our identity is? That's a weird statement.

But Coach Spo' is right about the Cads playing harder. Especially Ryan Hollins. I mean, damn, son. He would not be denied. And he would not be intimidated, no matter how butthurt D-Wade was feeling:


And Ryan wants the Boshtrich to know something: NOT IN MY HOUSE!!


Hollins' performance (13 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 3 blocks, 12 free throw attempts and a plus-minus score of +33) focused the camera of shame both on Bosh's soiled panties (10 points, 5-for-14, 4 rebounds, a game-worst plus-minus of -24) and the extreme suck generated by Miami's bench (6 total points on 3-for-12 shooting). Yeah, we all know that Chris' nuts tend to shrivel when he encounters brute force and John Hollinger's "revelation" that the Heat reserves blow rocked our minds about as hard as that recent study that said open shots are better than contested shots...

...but I can't help but think back to the Miami teams from 2004-05 and 2005-06. You know, when they added Shaq, and guys like Damon Jones, Christian Laettner, Jason Kapono and James Posey started playing great. I mean, it's just weird, isn't it? The hallmark of great players is usually how they enhance the performance of their teammates. And while the Nazgul are surrounded by a bunch of stiffs, some of these stiffs have been servicable roleplayers on other teams. Why isn't playing with two MVP-caliber players making these guys any better?

Random statistical anomoly: Joel Anthony (0 points, 0-for-2, 2 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 2 fouls) was the only Miami player with a positive plus-minus score (+13).

LeBron James: Skipping player introductions to avoid boos? Really? Cleveland took its medicine. You can take yours.

The New Jersey Nyets: Not sure what to say about this one: The Deron William-less Nyets fell behind 34-21 after 12 minutes, trailed by as many as 26 points and lost 112-87. At home. It was their third fail in a row and the seventh in eight games. Make it two straight seasons with at least 50 losses.

Screamed New Jersey coach Avery Johnson: "I'M DISAPPOINTED. WE CAN'T KEEP WRITING THESE OFF AS BAD GAMES. I'M A COMPETITOR. WE EXPECT MORE. I DON'T MAKE EXCUSES. WE JUST DIDN'T GET IT DONE TONIGHT."

The Gol_en State Warriors: Kevin Durant broke out of his self-described slump by scoring 39 points on 13-for-23 from the field, 3-for-5 from downtown and 10-for-12 from the line. It was the Durantula's highest scoring output since dropping 43 on the Hornets back on February 2.

And, hey, it happened against the Warriors! We are not surprised.

Minor Controversy Alert! The Thunder were down 111-109 when Durant used the so-called "rip" move that's become so popular among the league's perimeter scorers (Kobe does this a lot). You know, the one where the offensive player whips the ball and his arms up through the defender's outstretched arm, drawing a cheapie foul. Which Durant did. He went on to drain all three freebies to put OKC on top.

Gol_en State coach Keith Smart wasn't happy. How could he be? I mean, his team got penalized for finally playing some defense.

Said Smart: "That shouldn't be a call because defensive players, you're trying to tell your guys to get up on a good player. If the player's going to bait you into a foul -- and I understand it's a rule, so there's nothing we can do about it -- but ... who has the right to the space? We've got to come to a conclusion."

Apparently, we (and by "we" I mean "the league") have come to a conclusion, and conclusion seems to be that the offensive player has the right to that space.

The Phoenix Suns: Christ.

I really believe that triple-overtime loss to the Lakers was the death of the Suns' playoff hopes. Past that, the loss to the Hornets was the funeral and the loss to the Mavs was when they buried the coffin. Last night's loss to the Kings? That's was like a random homeless guy stumbling by and peeing on the grave.

The Kings?!

Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "You have to play your way into the playoffs. Right now, the way we're playing we don't deserve to be in the playoffs. All the teams we are chasing are really good. And we are not. We are still alive in the playoff race, but we are basically on life support."

It's true Phoenix hasn't been mathematically eliminated, but that says more about the failure of math than it does about the Suns' realistic chances of actually reaching the postseason. Besides, I'm not sure watching Vince Carter bricking contested three-pointers in a four-game sweep would make me feel any better about the way Robert Sarver is ruining the end of Steve Nash's career.

The Maloofs: From the AP recap:

Early Tuesday night, the Anaheim City Council voted 5-0 to approve a $75 million financial package to lure the Kings from Sacramento. The council also voted 5-0 to pay for the Kings' relocation.

Orange County billionaire Henry Samueli, who manages the Honda Center where the Kings would play, will finance the deal himself, while the city is issuing the bond package. Officials at the Honda Center announced Tuesday that they will be creating a waiting list for fans who have inquired about NBA tickets for next season.

At a press conference, Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson, a former NBA star in Phoenix, said he's resigned to the Kings moving to Anaheim but expects the Maloof ownership group to pay its $77 million loan to the City of Sacramento.

From AnacondaHL: "The various Suns players and affiliates on Twitter were repeatedly mentioning that this could be the last time the Suns play in Sacramento, and then Channing Frye reveals the picture on the ticket which includes a fan holding up a picture that says 'I heart the O.C. #18.' Wow indeed."


Chris's Sad Lacktion Ledger:

El (Oh El) Heat-HAPPY Cavs: Erick Dampier gathered just one board in exactly 12 minutes as starting center, only to lose the rock twice and foul thricely for a 5:1 Voskuhl.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas bricked and lost the rock once, and fouled twice for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl.

Eddie House bricked and fouled once each in 5:28 for a +2.

Meanwhile, for the WINNING Cleveland team, Joey Graham wired himself 3.1 trillion (3:05).

Labels: Maloof brothers, Miami Heat, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night

Snoop gotta avoid looking directly at the suck.

The Los Angeles Los Lakers: Hey guys, the Miami Heat have won a basketball game against the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.

















The Nueva York Knickerbockers: With 52 points and three players in double figures at the half, the-...

...

...what? Is there any more I can add about a game between two good teams I highly dislike (for different reasons, obviously) that will be reported on ad nauseum even moreso than usual today? Can't a man intentionally choose to take a fantastic nap and not DVR said game and happen to wake up in time for the next game and just leave a big blank space instead? I can't even throw in a sarcastic "Lakers are struggling the Heat are BACK AND SURGING" joke because people will actually be supporting this angle. In expectation of overly-critical Lakers fans, and bandwagon Heat fans trying to be cute and talking about good basket game wins, I choose to not contribute.

OTOH, maybe we're saved from the worst...

Sorry, I don't have credits for whoever made this! But you are awesome.

(Note: The graph was created prior to that barftastic Emperor Riley article after the Portland loss.)

OTOOH, maybe the worst is yet to come...

Doesn't it start to hurt? After all that masturbation?

Video evidence of Kobe Doin' Work After Work. Okay, enough of that. There is this one other thing...

Chris Bosh, quote machine (as seen first on TNT's Halftime Report): "It was just a relief really,... just to come out on top, you know,... it's the best thing to do sometimes, it's just, y'know, get a little man hug, and keep going." *sex offender grin*

Hey guys, ready for our post-win manhug?

Back to our regularly scheduled Basketbawful...

The Nueva York Knickerbockers, take 2: They held the Mavs to only two players in double figures at the half, which is nice I guess (Terry with 14, Marion with 12). But a team scoring 72 by the half? Sounds like someone was playing a D'Antoni team!

[[D'Antoni not amused stock photo]]

Sure the Knicks made a little run to keep it within, uh, 15, but when all you get is 2 points from your starting Center (Jared Jeffries? That's our D'Antoni!), and 2 points from your bench (minus 6th man Shawne Williams, in a combined 46:20 playing time), losses like this are just gonna happen.

Said poor Marv Albert in desperation: "Fans, we've got a game! This is the closest it's been in the 2nd half!" with 3:46 left in the 4th and the Knicks still down 115-104, as the game inched closer to it's 127-109 conclusion with nearly every courtside seat empty.

And Corey Brewer had his say in something that I guess counts as a revenge game, having only been a Knick for a few hours, but alas, may his 7 points on 3-4 shooting with 4 REB, 4 AST, 2 STL, 1 TOV, and 5 PFs in just 16:50 minutes performance be forever burned into New York history.

I play basket game for New York

Meanwhile, the Mavs are now in a 20-3 stretch, with all 3 losses by only a single point.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire and Bennett Salvatore: But let's rewind to the 2nd quarter, where STAT picked up his 16th technical of the year on a classic NBA 2010-11 Respect The Game call. I mean, he wasn't moving towards the official, and his hands weren't even above his shoulders, let alone his head!!

I'm still torn between being happy that whining is being punished, and giving official more control of the games, and the widening gap between superstar treatment and the middle class NBA player, and the fact that we have to look for stupid shit as I demonstrated in jest in the prior sentence.

Meanwhile, Salvatore is still referee filth, nothing new to see here.


Le Basket Game!

The Phoenix Heart Attack Suns: To be fair, this atleast was a different heart attack than what's been happening lately skating by with all these close wins. Just horrible stretches of nothing but turnovers, topped off by this lovely sequence to end the half:

0:06 55-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Nene Hilario steals)
0:04 57-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Ty Lawson steals)
0:01 59-49 Grant Hill bad pass

And even though it seemed like both teams needed MORE TURNOVERS FOR THE TURNOVER GODS, games with each team recording 19+ TOVs are surprisingly common, having already happened in 41 times this season.

So the Suns became yet another casualty to Denver's wounded tiger run. As this point late in the season, looks like this will be enough to ensure Denver's playoff spot, while Portland's resuccitation, Memphis's solid play with or without Gay, and New Orleans's sqeezing every last Win Share out of Chris Paul combine to make Phoenix the 9th wheel. With our potential draft pick being estimated in the Jimmer Fredette range, and a potential lockout to strip us from Nash's potential last season in the valley, things are not looking hopeful for the Suns faithful.

Not good at all. I tried telling myself at the beginning of this season to not put hope in this team. Somehow I got suckered in again through some cognitive dissonance from the Hedo trade, to Gortat finding statistical manna playing with Nash. Stuck in the dreaded treadmill of mediocrity, as put by Mark Cuban recently at the Sloan Conference.

I don't know why I chose tonight to decide to believe this, after all the other rants I've incoherently put together. I like to believe in miracles, as something that occurs outside of ones picture of reality. Reasonable miracles really, such as a Tim Duncan 3 pointer, or Tim Donaghy.

But at some point, things hit a limit of reasonability at a different point for any given individual. Obviously all 29 other NBA teams could be replaced by D-Leaguers and Andrea Bargnani's, and hope would be restored. But after tonight's game, I just feel enough of the picture is shown, that there's no reason to hope anymore. I can't even bring myself to see the playoffs percentage countdown from 30% to 0%, as I did back in 2009. Sure I'll continue to read what they say on Twitter, watch Gortat highlights on YouTube, and be amazed at the agelessness of Hill and Nash. But that upper limit, upper potential, no longer.

Maybe this happens to all fans, or not at all. Maybe it just happens really quick and early. Maybe it occurs with a big sudden event, such as the incidents that have occurred to the Jazz who I'd model as the situation most similar. Maybe there's something about enjoying stories of justice and revenge that's unhealthy at the sports level, maybe not. I wish I could say I'd prefer it any of those ways, but I don't know. All I know is that one time is absolutely worth it.

In a day which I'm sure will be dominated by Lakers and Miami fans looking for sympathies, may atleast one voice for true lost hope in the Suns be spoken. And we can all continue to ignore the Spurs and the Mavericks.


-AnacondaHL

chris's Lacktion Report: Always providing hope, for the best of the worst.

Lakers-Heat: Erick Dampier divvied out three boards in 18:37, but also had a brick, foul, and three turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Joel Anthony countered a singular rebound in 4:52 with two fouls for a 2:1 ratio of his own.

Knicks-Mavs: Jared Jeffries. Voskuhl. Duh. 7:6 in 23:31 of starting-big-man time, countering four boards, an assist, and field goal with four fouls and three turnovers.

Ronny Turiaf blew a block in 11:51 with 3 fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For Dallas, Ian Mahinmi can now buy as many Dairy Queen Blizzards as he wants from Mark Cuban after gathering up a 1.6 trillion (1:35).

Labels: I freaking hate the Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night

Constipation: It's Serious Business
Uka pointed this out in WOTN comments:

So Marc Stein is not basketbawful reader. Not surprisingly given the nature of this blog and the fact that Marc Stein is the huge NBA player ass-kisser

"Not sure if he's the first to say it, but the new nickname for Roy, Oden & Co. spotted in John Canzano's column in the Oregonian -- Frail Blazers -- rings as harsh as it is true. Just like Jail Blazers from another era to forget."

How disappointing. I don't claim that we invented the nickname, since I'm sure 800 other people have used it at some point or another (it's so obvious!). However, how can you be that out of touch, Stein? I called him out on Twitter -- we'll see if he responds.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"Mmm... Snuggle fresh..."

"Why did I take this job again?"

"And why did I take this job again?"

If I had to guess which game would have a picture like this...

I guess the phrase "For Nothing" is implied in that poster?

"Been awhile since I celebrated, don't remember how, gotta concentrate..."

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Just a reminder: the last time these teams met was the "LeBron bumps into Spoelstra" game. Revenge game possibilities, anyone?

All the Other Games:
Magic at Hawks, 7pm: Hey Orlando, I'm truly sorry, but I have to say it: Ball.

Jazz at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Jazz have gotten into the "zig-zag" pattern that Vegas sharps love to bet in the playoffs. Win one, lose one. Win one, lose one. Do they not realize they have a few months to go before it's even time for the playoffs? Anyone looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the Jazz, get them a calendar.

Hornets at Pacers, 7pm: Let's just say this game isn't giving me the itch to order NBA League Pass.

Bobcraps at Wizards Generals, 7pm: All right, Washington. You finally got rid of Gilbert Arenas' awful contract! And in return you got... Rashard Lewis' likewise awful contract and five to seven fewer points per game. Hurray? Well, less chance of gun-related arrest action, so you've got that going for you, which is nice.

Suns at Spurs, 8:30pm: When I first saw the news about the Suns/Magic trade, I was disgusted. Then the more I thought about it, I began to convince myself maybe it's not the end of the world. They're not a championship contender this year anyway. Why not get rid of Hedo and his contract for any other warm body? Plus, Pietrus's catch-and-shoot threes are a good fit and maybe he can play some defense, and Gortat could give them the inside presence they need if he can handle playing lots of minutes. And Vinsanity's an expiring contract from what I understand, so maybe that won't be too bad? Am I just delusional and lying to myself at this point?

Bucks at Frail Blazers, 10pm: We have officially reached the point where it's nearly impossible to come up with new ways to say "the Blazers are a goddamn trainwreck of injuries."

Rockets at Warriors, 10:30pm: Good news, Houston fans! The Rockets have won seven of their 10 games this month. Bad news? They're still three games under .500 at this point. If they were in the Leastern conference, that wouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Timberwolves at Clippers, 10:30pm: The Clippers have stopped being who we thought they were for a brief time, and are riding a two game winning streak. National media begins referring to them as "surging" in three... two... one...

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Hedo Turkoglu, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers

Bing: "LA was beaten by this guy? Sad day to be a Lakers fan." -
Murcy: "He looks exactly like a vogon"
So there's your solution on how to beat the Lakers -- Vogon poetry
Running short on time today, folks. Straight to the pics.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Happy Lebronukah!!

Wow, Dave Coulier looks like hell

"I'm too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt..."

(in the voice of Ron Artest impersonating Luis Scola)
"I'm gonna eat some Spanish food!"

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Cavaliers, TNT, 8pm: Yep, it's the night we've all been waiting for: Zydrunas Ilgauskas's dramatic return to Cleveland.

Suns at Warriors, TNT, 10:30pm: The under-performing small ball Suns get to play against their evil twin in a battle of jump-shooting and _efense. Yes, every single game between these two teams the last five years has seen both teams score over 100 points. I look forward to seeing a ridiculous 137-133 final score. You know, unless the jump shots aren't falling, because even without _efense, that's what happens sometimes to teams like these. So in that case, we'll only see a 105-101 final score.

Oh, and you just have to love Steve Nash. His tweet from earlier today: "Hey Cleveland! How pumped are you for the Phoenix/Golden State game tonight?"

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Cleveland Cavaliers, Golden State Warriors, Miami Heat, Phoenix Suns

Labels: Dwight Howard, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash, Vinny Del Negro

Want a picture that tells you everything you need to know aboutthe Washington Wizards Generals? Well, here you go.
The Washington Wizards Generals: I'm not going to sugarcoat this: The Wizards Generals got their asses kicked so hard that Nike could use their butts as shoe molds. I've seen coffee shop floor mats with fewer footprints on them. Based on what I witnessed last night, this Generals squad could give "roll over and die" lessons to Vince Carter...who was in his standard "I'm great in nearly meaningless regular season games against crap teams" mode (18 points, 8-for-12, 5 boards).

Unlike the Celtics, the Magic apparently take lesser teams pretty seriously. To wit: Washington shot 37 percent (compared to Orlando's 55 percent), got outrebounded 53-25 (including 11-3 on the offensive glass) and was outscored 56-28 in the colored rectangle.

The Magic led by as many as 35 points before settling for a 112-83 win. Now imagine how lopsided the final score would have been if Orlando hadn't missed 14 free throws and given up 29 points of 21 turnovers.

Dwight Howard's foul shooting: The line: 9-for-19. Roughly the same number most guys in my pickup league could hit by accident.

John Wall: As Basketbawful reader LotharBot pointed out, Wall had a Calvin Murphy in his debut with 14 points and 9 assists. Sure, a lot of those points and assists were racked up during garbage time, but it's still a decent debut. Right? I mean, check out this killer crossover:


I'll say this much: The kid's a shooter. And by "shooter" I don't mean that Wall provides consistent, high-percentage, long-range jump shooting. I mean he apparently loves shooting the Eddy Curry loves Twinkies. Wall jacked up 11 of his team's first 24 shot attempts. He it three of 'em. Wall -- who, I should remind you, is Washington's starting point guard -- finished 6-for-19 on a night in which none of his teammates attempted more than nine shots.

The best part? Wall's first NBA points came off a goal tend by Brandon Bass.

But hey, I guess that's what happens when rookies are mentored by Gilbert Arenas. Speaking of which...

Gilbert Arenas: After missing most of the past three seasons due to injury and suspension, Mr. "I signed a contract for only $111 million to help my team" Arenas missed the game with strained blah blah blah in his blah blah blah. Does it really matter what's wrong with Gil this time? His contract was a bigger waste of time and money than Eddy Curry's copy of P90X.

Andray Blatche: Last year's late-season fantasy stud was a fantasy turd in his season debut: 6 points on 2-for-9 shooting to go with 2 boards, 2 dimes, a steal, 2 turnovers and 4 fouls. Man, I sure hope nobody around here has Blatche on their fantasy team...

Jason Williams: William's performance last night is forcing me to seriously consider giving out a "Worst Player of the Night" award in these posts. His line: 8 minutes, zero points, zero rebounds, 1 assist, zero steals, zero blocked shots, 3 turnovers, 1 personal foul, 2 technical fouls, 1 automatic ejection.

Of course, he still had a better plus-minus score (-2) than John Wall (-31).

John Wall, quote machine, Part 1: "It was tough. It's really telling me what I need to work on, but I already know."

John Wall, quote machine, Part 2: "But as a team aspect, we have a lot we need to work on."

Marcin Gortat, mildly broken English quote machine: "Honestly, I'm sick of listening every hour about Miami -- Miami that, how great they are, how big they are, what kind of record they gonna have. I get every day interviews back in Poland, people calling me about Miami, Miami, what you think about Miami? What you think about Big Three? I'm going to say the same thing: they are a great team, they have three superstars, they got a couple good role players on the team. They looking good on the paper, but they got to start winning."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "You guys can decide what's a big game and what's not. If they give me two wins for tomorrow night, then it's a big game. I'm not big on the human-interest stories."

The Utah Jazz: Oh dear God. After receiving the scorched earth treatment in their season-opening 110-88 loss to Nuggets in Denver, the Jazz came home and got donkey-punched 110-94 by the Work-in-Progress Suns.

It's enough to make John Stockton's gonads shrivel up in his short-shorts.

The sad part of this loss is that Utah is HUGE compared to Phoenix. Hence the stat-paddery by Paul Milsap (19 points, 13 rebounds) and Al Jefferson (20 points, 9 boards). But the Jazz pulled down only one more total rebound and their Offensive Rebound Percentage (30.4) was barely better than the Suns' (27.9). Shooting 42 percent from the field and 3-for-13 on threes didn't help either.

Oh, and then there was the transition D, which gave up 20 fast break points.


This team definitely hasn't gelled yet. In fact, they're more of a gritty paste.

Deron Williams: Look, I'm a big Deron Williams fan. I really am. But I can't stop myself from reminding everybody that he proclaimed himself the best point guard in the league last season. And we all remember what that did for Stephon Marbury's career, don't we?

Anyway, Williams was crap in Utah's season opener (3-for-10, 6 assists, 4 turnovers, 4 fouls) and he was crappity crap last night: 13 points on 3-for-12 shooting, 6 assists, 3 turnovers, 5 fouls and a plus-minus score of -16. The only Jazz player with a worse plus-minus was freaking Gordon Hayward (-17).

The obvious lesson: Never proclaim yourself the best [whatever] in the league.

Raja Bell: The Jazz signed Bell to (partially) replace Kyle Korver's shooting. Well, that wasn't happening last night, as Bell missed nine of his 12 shot attempts and went 1-for-5 from downtown.

Steve Nash, captain obvious: "Hakim [Warrick] was great on the glass and hustled. He finished and got to the line. He did a lot of little things that matter. But he also scored, and when he can do that, it makes us a better team."

So when a teammate can score, it makes you a better team? It's like Nash just gave my brain an assist. Thanks, Steve!

Steve Nash, the voice of realism: "We haven't got the chemistry yet and there are no shortcuts. It just takes time. You got to find the understanding and be unselfish and conscious of the other players on the team. But there is no easy formula."

In keeping with the recent overreactions to Nash quotes: STEVE NASH SAYS SUNS HAVE NO CHEMISTRY!!!!

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 1: "Things are not going our way."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 2: "We've got to continue to stay with it. I mean we've got to continue to get better."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 3: "We got punched in the mouth twice in our first two games."

Lacktion report: Chris had an easy but fulfilling night of lacktion reporting:

Bullets-Magic: Hilton Armstrong makes his first reservation in the lacktion ledger by countering one successful charity stripe shot (and two assists) in 11:14 with 5 fouls and two giveaways for a 7:3 Voskuhl. Hamady N'Diaye armed himself with a pair of fouls in 3:40 for his first ever suck differential, a +2 that also counted as a 2:0 Voskuhl!

Labels: Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

"Oof. Something stinks in here... probably all of my turnovers"
Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to read this interview with Bill Walton done by Trey Kirby over at The Basketball Jones. First off, reading anything to yourself in Bill Walton's voice makes your day 800% better. But beyond that, this is a good interview full of the usual Walton style and some good thoughts into the importance of controlling the paint in the NBA.

Also worth reading? This Deadspin piece. To quote the lede: "This is a story about the new NBA Jam for the Nintendo Wii. It is also a story about the 1990s, the NBA's waning cultural cachet, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, Asian-Jewish relations, Roenick in NHL '94, nostalgia, and God." What more can you want than that? All it's missing is Greg Ostertag.

And a brief moment of analysis. (I'll keep it brief since I suck at analysis.) Marc Stein had an interesting tweet this afternoon: "Was TUE night in BOS bigger deal than we thought for Heat? Research says only three NBA teams in last 20 years won it all after 0-1 start." To be fair, this is a complicated situation. Considering the lack of preparation time the Heat had to get used to a completely new look, I don't think it was reasonable to expect them to come out looking amazing in their very first game. That being said, the kinds of teams that lose on opening night, regardless of talent level and preparation, might be fundamentally lacking something. It might be an obvious missing piece in offense or defense, but it might also be something like a lack of killer instinct. LeBron doesn't have the same desire to go out and just kill his opponent each and every night like some of the greats did. (Jordan would refuse to lose a game like that, for example.) How much of that will carry over into the postseason? I can't foresee it now. But that is something that will stick in the back of my mind.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Steven Tyler may not be experiencing love in elevator, but he is livin' it up while the Celtics are going down

Hey, that pose looks familiar...

Good God! Byron Scott is Spiderman! Well, that explains some things. Or nothing at all. Not sure which yet...

Based on Landry Fields' reaction, I think Demar DeRozan has a taser hidden in his hand

Anyone who want to scare Drew Gooden on Halloween now knows what his biggest fear apparently is: playing defense

Please forgive the Nets if their celebrations seem a little awkward -- they don't have much experience celebrating

Good. Use your aggressive feelings, Cleveland fans. Let the hate flow through you.

Nationally Televised Games:
Wizards at Magic, TNT, 8pm: The Magic have a new arena. On the other hand, the Wizards are missing Gilbert Arenas, one of their main weapons. (Damnit. I just can't help myself. The gun jokes write themselves.) In other news, holy crap John Wall is fun to watch. Trust me on this one.

Suns at Jazz, TNT, 10:30pm: Interesting game. These two teams have some similarities: both are higher-scoring offenses who no longer have their leading scorer from last year, and both teams struggled to put up points in their season openers. Oh, and they also share another similarity: I don't get to watch nearly enough of either of them because they're based out West and their games come on too damn late for me a lot of the time, and there's not enough time in the day to DVR their games and watch later on. Can someone please invent some sort of magic time machine soon plzkthx?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, gratuitous Gilbert Arenas gun joke, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

Yep. Worst of the Night is definitely back.
The Miami Heat: Let me start off by saying it's way, way too early to start making any kind of definitive statements about, well, pretty much anything. I mean, Mike Miller is out and Dwyane Wade played, what, three minutes during the preseason?

Still, nobody expected this pile of oozing open sores and flaming poo. The Super Friends of South Beach (a.k.a. The Nazgul) opened this exciting new era of team stacking by scoring -- waaaaiiiit for it -- nine points in the first quarter.

Seriously? Seriously.

It seems impossible, but it's true. Despite Pat Riley colluding, er, I mean, convincing three of the league's best players to form that weird three-robot Voltron in Miami, the Heat shambled zombie-like out of the gate, shooting 11-for-41 (26.8 percent) in the first half and falling behind 41-22 with just over two minutes left in the second quarter before "closing" to within 45-30 at halftime.

Of course, last season's Celtics tended to take a little nappy nap after building huge leads, and it happened again last night. The Heat pulled to within three points late, but Boston closed them out, giving NBA fans outside of Miami a giant, throbbing erection. For the game, the Heat shot 36 percent from the field, gave up 17 points off 17 turnovers, and got outscored 38-24 in the paint.

This is the kind of shit that killed Red Auerbach. Just sayin'.
Advanced stat of the game: Miami's Offensive Rating was 90.4, which means they scored at a rate of about 90 points per 100 possessions. With three of the best players in the world. Again, I am just sayin'.

The Nazgul: Let's see. LeBron was the best of the three Ringwraiths, scoring a game-best 31 points (10-for-21 from the field, 8-for-12 from the line). However, it was like some kind of bizarre Cleveland flashback, with King Crab totally dominating the rock. (Yes, forensic investigation revealed only one set of prints on the ball.) Only instead of a triple-double, 'Bron finished with more turnovers (8) than assists and rebounds combined (7).

As for Wade -- remember everybody, this is still his team -- he went 4-for-16 from the field and finished with 13 points, matching assists (6) and rebounds (4) with turnovers (6) and fouls (4).

Last and most certainly least, the RuPaul of Big Men struggled his way to 8 points (3-for-11) and 8 boards. Oh, and according to the AP Game Notes, "Bosh is 2-12 in Boston, the most losses he's had as a visitor against any team." There are no coincidences.

Kevin Garnett: Rough final stretch for KG. While the Heat were coming back in the final minutes, Garnett was fading slowly and sadly away. He bricked a four-footer with 3:41 left. He fouled Udonis Haslem with 3:30 left (Haslem hit both freebies). He lost the rock to D-Wade with 3:11 left. He missed a 16-footer with 2:33 left. He clanged two crucial foul shots with 1:37 left. Then he committed an offensive foul (moving pick) with 1:15 left.

If the Heat had pulled this game out, they would probably would have sent KG a thank you card and a nice fruit basket.

LeBron James, excuse-making machine: "It's a feel-out process. When you have so many options, it's something I'm not accustomed to, having that many threats out on the court at the same time."

Fun fact: According to ESPN Stats and Information: "LeBron James had 31 points and 8 rebounds. Last season, James was 1 of 4 players who had at least 30 points and at least 8 turnovers in a game. The others were Kevin Durant, Monta Eliis and Kobe Bryant. Tuesday was the 7th time in his career in which he's scored at least 30 points but had at least 8 turnovers. That's tied with Allen Iverson for the most such games since LeBron's rookie season."

Huh. Kinda looks like a target doesn't it?
Dwyane Wade, rationalization machine: "This is one of 82. Sorry if everyone thought we were going to go 82-0. It just ain't happening."

Nope. It ain't.

Update! LeBron's new commercial: From Basketbawful reader Austen: "I'd throw in a Worst of the Night for Lebron's new Nike shoe commercial, where he spends what felt like at least 5 minutes whining and moaning about the public reaction to 'The Decision.' Seriously, get over yourself, and shame on you, Nike, for encouraging him."

In case by some oddity you've missed it, here's the commercial:


It's actually a pretty slick commercial, what with the clever dig at Charles Barkley via Chuck's famous "I Am Not A Role Model" commercial (also by Nike) and a great cameo by Don Johnson as Sonny Crocket. But as Austen pointed out, it's basically LeBron and Nike begging you to a) love LeBron for doing what's right for him and b) buy his new shoes.

Memo to LeBron: You had every right to do right by yourself. You chose living in Miami, playing with your friends and what seemed like the best and easiest path to a championship over busting your ass in Cleveland year after year. This is America. There are brave men and women who will fight to the death to protect your constitutional right to be as big an asshat as you want to be.

But we, as fans, also have the right to mock and ridicule you for it. Right? What should we do, LeBron? WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Man love: This heat has nothing to do with the Miami Heat...

Ssssssss...feel the sizzle!
The Phoenix Suns: Last night, the Seven Seconds or Less Era gave way to the Small Forwards of Doom Era. Notice how one of those sounds wicked-cool and the other sounds like a tragic mistake in basketball logic?

Well, yeah.

Actually, the Suns were playing pretty well and led 81-75 after three quarters. Then they got outscored 31-11 in the fourth.

Said Steve Nash: "We ran out of gas a little offensively."

Yeah, you could say that. You could also say the Suns were careless and sloppy with the ball, giving up 21 points off 19 turnovers. Without Amar''''''e, they still managed to score 44 points in the paint, but there was no run and very little gun, as Phoenix managed a mere 6 fast break points.

Advanced stat of the game: The Blazers didn't shoot all that well (46 percent as a team), but they cleaned up on the offensive glass, grabbing 18 offensive boards for a mind-boggling Offensive Rebound Rate of 43.9 (compared to 18.9 for the Suns). No defensive rebounding...it's like Amar''''''e never left!

Steve Nash: Nash giveth...and Nash also giveth away. Captain Canada kept the Suns kinda-sorta in the mix by scoring a game-high 26 points on 10-for-19 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds (almost matching Robin Lopez's 5 boards) and a team-high 6 dimes. Unfortunately, he bobbled the ball away 9 times. It's like he was impersonating Brett Favre or something.

Aim for their hands, Steve. Their hands.

Hedo Turkoglu: I have one word for you: Turkododo. That is all.

Memo to Turk: That's not how basketball is played.
The Houston Rockets: In my Southwest Division preview post, I said something about the Rockets being, what was it, slow as paste? Then they go out and score 17 fast break points against the Lakers in their season opener.

Man, am I good or what?

Anyway, people may want to talk about Mamba's 27 points and 7 assists, but let the record show that the defending chumps were outscored by eight points when Kobe was in the game. No, the Lakers -- who trailed by as many as 15 points and were down by 11 in the third -- had their asses saved by Shannon Brown (who went berzerk from three and scored 14 of his 16 points in a 6.5-minute stretch during the fourth) and Steve Blake (who drilled the go-ahead trey with 18.8 seconds left).

Shades of John Paxson! Or...something.

Meanwhile, the Rockets -- who were outscored 61-48 in the second half -- looked like the Keystone Cops on their final (and potentially game-tying) possession. Luis Scola missed a crappy-looking pooper-scooper with three seconds to go, and then (after a video review awarded possession back to Houston) Aaron Brook got a layup attempt spoon-fed back to him by Lamar Odom.

The only thing missing was a little Benny Hill music.

Said Brooks: "When I caught the ball, I didn't know exactly where I was on the floor. Then I took a dribble and realized where I was, and I tried to drive, but my leg kind of slipped."

Advanced stat of the game: L.A.'s Turnover Percentage was only 10.0, compared to 16.2 for Houston. Specifically, the Lakers gave up only 10 points off 12 turnovers, while the Rockets surrendered 20 points off 21 turnovers. Kind of a big deal in a 2-point loss.

Bonus Fun fact: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Lakers came back from an 11-point halftime deficit, outscoring the Rockets 61-48 in the second half. It's their third straight season-opening win and their eighth win in their past nine games versus Houston. The Lakers are now 41-22 in season openers, good for an all-time best .651 win percentage."

Wow! The Lakers are just so good on opening night! Just for kicks and giggles, I decided to do a little research. Going back to the 1995-96 season, the Lakers have played 13 of the last 16 season openers at home. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Update! The Lakers' ring ceremony: From AnacondaHL: "Also, there should be a quickie WotN mention to that Lakers ring ceremony, which was so completely awkward for everyone involved. Okay, Fisher's intro of Kobe was pretty funny. And it did show us that there is a massage therapist and an equipment manager with more rings than LeBron."


Okay, I have to know: How much did Kobe pay for the blowjob Fisher gave him during that ceremony. Mein Gott, that was a GFE if I've ever seen one.

Rick Adelman, quote machine: "They're the world champs, and we knew it was going to be tough. But I thought we responded pretty well. I think [for] about seven minutes, we just didn't play the way we're capable of, and they got back in the game."

For the record, seven minutes is about 15 percent of an NBA game. That's a decent chunk of time to not play the way you're capable of. Just sayin'.

Justin Bieber: If there is any justice in this universe, this guy's obituary will one day read: "Died of natural causes during face punches." And that day will be soon.

Pictured: Douchebag.
Lacktion report: Chris and his lacktion reports are back too!

Heat-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas began a new chapter of riding King Crab's claws by negating a field goal and three boards in 10:39 with two giveaways and four fouls for a 6:4 Voskuhl!

Suns-Frail Blazers: The fabulous Fabricio Oberto forced a rebound in 3:03, but found enough time to finagle a pair of fouls and a turnover for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Lakers: Chuck Hayes countered an assist and block in 14:49 with three fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl, while our first true lacktion artist of the season is the Lakers' young Derrick Caracter, who provided a caricature of a professional basketballer with a foul and brick in 2:14 for a +2 suck differential that also doubled as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers

Why post this picture of the Rockets from 1986? Why not!(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Finally! Opening Night is upon us! Savor this feeling and enjoy every minute of it since it's looking awfully likely that we'll see a lockout next year. Damnit. Hmmph... Guess I'll just have to watch football instead next year -- oh, wait...

The start of a new season naturally means new uniforms. And this year we even get treated to a completely new jersey style -- 27 teams are now wearing jerseys constructed from "engineered mesh," and uniform numbers are now made from a mesh fabric. Naturally, teams have made some alterations to their uniform designs, logos, and so forth. To get caught up on all the uniform changes this season, check out Paul Lukas' Uni Watch column. Highlights include the Cavaliers new super-boring uniforms, the Jazz have brought back the music-note, the Magic have a new alternate jersey, the Mavericks have changed the color of their road unis, the Warriors have badass new jerseys, and the Timberwolves have removed all the green from their uniforms. (To quote Lukas, "what's the point of depicting a tree line if you can't tell they're trees?")

Surprise, surprise. The Knicks may have broken NBA draft rules by conducting secret workouts of collegiate players for the past several years. What does it say about your organization if you can cheat and still suck?

Oh, and here's a completely random link that will ruin your shit for the rest of the day: The 10 weirdest physics facts, from relativity to quantum physics. Strangely enough, there is no mention of Tracy McGrady's legs being tired without having done any work to make them tired. I suppose that is one question that science still cannot even begin to comprehend.

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Celtics, TNT, 8pm: What's that? It's only the first night of the season, yet you're already tired of hearing about King Crab's move to the Heat (like these guys)? Well, TNT, ESPN, and the rest of the national media have this to say:


What's truly sad is that I will still be interested in actually watching the Heat play this year, no matter how tired I get of hearing about them. Seeing Wade and LeBron work together will be entertaining, but I'm also just dying to see 37 year old Juwan Howard and 35 year old Zydrunas Ilgauskas protecting the paint.

Oh, and Mike Miller has a broken thumb. The Heat are doomed! Doooooooooooooomed!

Meanwhile, to nobody's surprise, the Celtics are planning to start Shaq at center against the Heat. Considering Jermaine O'Neal will probably pull a muscle and suffer a stress fracture drinking Gatorade on the sidelines, this move somehow makes sense. Then again, we'll just have to watch an ugly offensive effort as Shaq's glacial movements and gargantuan body clog the paint for Rajon Rondo. (Or, according to Chris, "more like clog his own arteries." Touché.)

Rockets at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Thanks to Auto Draft, I have Kevin Martin on my fantasy team. Uggghh. I'm sure that will somehow bite me. Meanwhile, the Rockets should theoretically be on a bounce-back year after missing the playoffs last season. Yao Ming is finally kinda-sorta healthy again, and he will be playing limited minutes to help keep his feet from crumbling like a sandcastle in high tide. Of course it's pretty much a given that he'll still get hurt anyway, but one can dream, right? If nothing else, Rockets fans can play NBA 2K11 and watch in delight as Virtual Yao jumps for a rebound and has his head three feet above the rim. (Realism!)

The Lakers, on the other hand, are coming off their most recent championship. However, Adam Morrison is no longer with the team. This surely must mean their reign of championships is over. You HAVE to have somebody that can slap high fives on the sidelines while looking extraordinarily goofy, and other than Scalabrine, nobody does it as well as Morrison in today's NBA.

All The Other Games:
Suns at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Well, Amar''''e Stoudemire is finally gone. Suns fans such as AnacondaHL and myself hoped they'd finally acquire someone who has the desire to crash the boards and snag a few rebounds. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like a soccer mom buying in bulk (because you can never have too much ketchup even if you don't have a main course to put it on, apparently), the Suns have loaded up on small forwards instead of getting a solid big man. Hakim Warrick, Josh Childress, and Hedo Turkoglu? Come on! Did they have a "buy two, get one free" special or something? (Also, Turkoglu Turkododo is likewise on my fantasy team. Here's to hoping Steve Nash continues to be a miracle worker.) Meanwhile, coach Alvin Gentry says the Suns will continue to base their offense around the pick-and-roll, even though they don't really have a solid big man to get points in the pant. Expect lots of bricked long range jump shots coming off the screen. Hurray!

Fun fact of the day: Brandon Roy scored a career high 52 points at the Rose Garden back in December 2008 against the Phoenix Suns.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers

Everybody wants a piece of that Lin.Or that kickin' new uni.

Hey readers. AnacondaHL here, standing in to bring you the Pacific division preview. Let's get this started.

The Golden State Warriors

Crap.

The Los Angeles Clippers

Crappy Crap.

The Los Angeles Lakers

Crappier than people will expect.

The Phoenix Suns

Less crappy than people will expect, but nevertheless, crap.

The Sacramento Kings

Crap up in this bitch.



...


...ugh, fine, I'll do this properly.

Let's try this a different way. The NBA preseason has come to a close, and without going into a discussion about how well preseason success correlates to regular season records, (oblig link 1, oblig link 2), let's take a look at how the Pacific did:



Good Lordy. To help me get through this, aside from the multiple Pacificos, I'll be posting Basketball Prospectus' SHOENE projection for each team next to my projection and their standing in the West. Also, don't ask me for the rest of the projections, go spend your $10 on this fantastic read that's well worth it.

The Golden State Warriors

So, due to alphabetic obligations, we unfortunately start with the team with the most questionable SHOENE outlook. Is there a factor in the equation that accounts for an awesome switch back to throwback uniforms?

Well if anything there's some consideration to the coach. With the loss of The winningest coach in NBA history, you'd think the Warriors would be set to repeat or worse their 26-56 2009-10 record. Of course everyone knows that I'm joking, and that Don Nelson leaving is addition via subtraction, and Keith Smart has a chance to prove himself, beyond wacky games with limited rosters.

Throw in the growth of Stephen Curry as a star, and the acquisition of David Lee, the pickup of hard worker Sweet Lou, the room for Reggie Williams and Andris Biedrins to develop (and to hopefully improve his 16.0% FT%), and Monta Ellis ready to chuck it up, and the Warriors could be a surprise team in the West playoffs. And did I mention their pickup of Jeremy Lin? He's Asian! And American! And went to Harvard! Best PR use of an Asian player on an NBA basketball team since not Yi.

Still, I just don't see this squad nearly doubling their win total. David Lee's sieve defense is notorious in the Big Apple, and yet he fits right into their "get the steal or bust" methods. If anything, they've solidified their worst-in-the-league 112.4 points surrendered per game, and may give Toronto a run for their money at worst defensive rating next season.

I'm still jealous of their uniforms though.

SHOENE says: 49-33 (4)
AHL says: 40-42 (12)


The Los Angeles Clippers

Another year looking strong on paper, another year of disappointment. Don't get hyped up on this team as always, they are fighting to stay out of the bottom of the entire West.

Well let's start with the good news. Blake Griffin is looking monsterous. Hulk-esque, if you will. (Bonus YouTube to hype up the 3 Clippers fans).

*Keanu voice* Whoa.
In addition, Eric Gordon's coming off a solid tournament with Team USA. Kaman is Kaman, good for solid numbers. Ryan Gomes was brought in as their utility man. And Baron Davis looks to continue his obligations to this team, while mentoring Eric Bledsoe in the ways of the beard.

And now the bad news, which we all see coming a mile away. Yes, they are the Clippers. Meaning inevitable suck, notable due to inevitable injury. Poor Blake throws himself around the court with reckless disregard, Eric Gordon already seems banged up with a sprained ankle, Baron Davis is Baron Davis (averaging ~63GP per season the past 8 seasons), and Kaman is Kaman (also ~63 GP/season his past 6). That leaves poor Ryan Gomes to hold down the fort with Rasual Butler, Randy Foye, Craig Smith, and DeAndre Jordan. Yea.

Also, Donald Sterling. Still around. Yea. 'Nuff's been said about that.

SHOENE says: 27-55 (15)
AHL says: 24-58 (15)


The Los Angeles Lakers

Our World Champion 5th ringers seem like the team to beat. They dumped Morrison while keeping their championship core, adding PG Steve Blake, SF Matt Barnes, and C Theo Ratliff. They even held onto Mr. Sasha Maria Sharapova.

So why the crappy outlook?

To put it simply: age. Projected team weighted age sits at 30.8, 3rd oldest in the league. Bynum's question marks. Kobe's finger. Artest's crazy. Everything's going downhill with this team. Going from 65 wins in 2008, to an astonishing 57 wins last season thanks to a truckload of Kobe game winners, to what this season?

Well of course the Suns fan in me can't help to expect the best out of the Lakers, and I'd love to chase them out of the postseason in Golden State over Dallas fashion. Additionally, I can see the Lakers doing something amazing for PJax before finally blowing it up. Finally, Kobe seems hungrier than ever for number 6.

But honestly they're going to have to rely on Pau much more (not necessarily a bad thing), and are really one Gasol injury away from dropping to the bottom seeds, hence BP's low outlook on their season. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if they aren't even 2nd seed come April, even in this pathetic division.

SHOENE says: 46-36 (8)
AHL says: 55-27 (1)


The Phoenix Suns

All we needed was to replace Amar''''''e with a solid rebounder who could block some shots and maybe finish at the basket.

Instead we end up with an Atlanta-esque team of SFs. A team of 7 6th men when we needed 3rd-9th.

How did this go so wrong so fast? Was Steve Kerr actually responsible for good decisions, covering for the crapfest Sarver serves? I mean I knew he was bad, but how do you NOT know how to pull off a sign and trade for an actual asset like David Lee, instead of a trade exception I'm sure you're too stupid to know how to use as well?

Anyways, I still think surprising chemistry prevails in this case, as these guys genuinely seem to like each other. Throw in another age defying season by Nash, and the Phoenix medical staff reviving the corpse of Hedo (not to mention Jason Richardson's $14.4 million contract year), and these guys will likely not end up with records as bad as projected. As much as I'd love to see these guys get 50, it seems the West this year will be logjammed at 49-45 wins.

SHOENE says: 37-45 (12)
AHL says: 44-38 (7)


The Sacramento Kings

Rookie 20-5-5.

The steal of the early draft.

The pride of Israeli basketball.

The Super Landry Brothers.

That, uh, bipolarish center guy whose foundation I've actually donated to.

Guys named Beno, Giddens, Pooh, Head, Whiteside, Jason and Mason, Donté (acute accent required!) and Ime Udoka.

Even guys with boring names like Francisco Garcia, Antoine Wright, and Donald Sloan.

And last but not least, but least in some other sense, a gift from the god to our lacktion specialist and Bay Area enthusiast chris, Darnell Lacktion Jackson.

What's not to love about this team? I mean other than a 9th seed upside, multiple character issue risks, and speeding tickets.

SHOENE says: 43-39 (9)
AHL says: 39-43 (13)


Final Verdict for the 2010-11 Pacific Division: Waiting for a bunch of old guys to get injured, funny combinations of names, a couple of first round playoff exits, and Jeremy Lin.


-AnacondaHL

Labels: Golden State Warriors, Jeremy Lin is the first Taiwanese-American in the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA season preview, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings

While Matt McHale: Technical Writer is being inundated with training at his Clark Kent job, I figured this would be a good time to take a look at current events in the basketball world. (Don't worry -- the Pickup Diaries will resume before you know it)

Before we get started, a brief FYI. Several of you faithful Bawful readers have noted in the comments that a bogus redirect script has been affecting the site. After doing a little research, it appears to be related to the script used for the tag cloud that was on the navigation bar on the right side of the page. Many other bloggers who used that Technorati script are seeing the same issues with certain browsers. One particular release of Firefox seemed to be the most generally affected, and I personally have not been able to replicate the problem. However, I have temporarily removed the script from the site's template HTML, so hopefully the problem will be fixed. If you are still having troubles, let us know so we can look into it further.

Getting on the news...

Update! Warriors purchased. For way, way way too much money.

Update! Do you want to see David Kahn squirm when being pressed by Chris Webber and Matt Winer about throwing so much money at Darko friggin' Milicic? Do you want to see C-Webb get pissed at Kahn for comparing him to Darko? Of course you do. In fact, I'll even embed the video here for your convenience:


We are still countless weeks away from the beginning of the season, and the Warriors' top draft pick Ekpe Udoh has already torn a ligament in his wrist and will miss six months of action. Did anybody inform him that he was drafted by the Warriors and not the Clippers? He wasn't contractually obligated to injure himself like he would have been if Donald Sterling was cutting his paychecks.

Speaking of injured Clippers, Shaun Livingston's back! After destroying his knee in pretty much the worst possible way against the Bobcats in 2007, he has now inked a 2 year, $7 million deal with... the Bobcats. Livingston's agent Henry Thomas commented "yes, how ironic," when this was pointed out to him. Technically that isn't irony; it's just a coincidence. Irony would be getting drafted by the Clippers and staying perfectly healthy and leading the team to a championship. But no matter. It's still nice to see Livinston getting another break after a horrible injury and struggles to regain his form in subsequent years. And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up about eight times after remembering his ligament-ravaging fall.

Oh, and Knee-Mac to the Clippers? Maybe. You can't make this shit up.

In yet another example of NBA teams refusing to learn from history's mistakes, the Nyets have found a new general manager in... Billy King?? Don't they remember how he murdered Philly's 76ers, rolled its body up in a carpet, and tossed it off a bridge? (After that, Philly really could have used Superman -- oh, wait, they got him!. After Superman is done saving Philadelphia, he's trekking over to Detroit to attempt to save it before crippling depression sets in and he decides to just end it all. And I'm only making up part of that sentence.) In any event, there is a nice opportunity here. Not only are we likely to be treated to some comedic mismanagement, but we might even see another example of the team's GM being overruled by its owner. If Mikhail Prokhorov wants to pay eight bajillion rubles for some random scrub in an ill-advised trade, you know Billy King won't be able to say nyet. (Hmm. Maybe they should have gotten Isiah Thomas...)

After all the talks about Kobe Bryant's defensive nemesis Raja Bell coming over to the dark side and joining the Lakers, he's actually now going to the Utah Jazz instead. I feel like re-reading Seven Seconds or Less just to relive Kobe being frustrated by Bell's defense.

(I just realized that after Leandro Barbosa's move, Steve Nash is the only 7SOL era Suns player left. Holy crap, where doe the time go? Meanwhile, the Suns now have... Hedo Turkoglu Turkododo. Sigh. Erm, I mean, ball.)

Yahoo! Sports' Adrian Wojnarowski ran some surprisingly harsh smack on Twitter last night over several tweets:

Just hung up the phone with agent Mark Bartelstein, who's irate over Hornets empty suit Hugh Weber reneging on a contract for Luther Head.

After firing Jeff Bower as GM, Weber is trying the slimy trick of 'failing' a healthy player on a physical to back out of a deal Bower made.

Weber is one more clown act running a team who doesn't know if the ball is stuffed or blown. With Shinn, he undermined Bower at every turn.

Ouch...

Update! I just stumbled on this link: Ron Artest having a "Fuck LeBron" party?

Did you know -- or care -- that the ESPY Awards were held last night? Yeah, neither did pretty much anybody else in the free world. The ESPYs haven't been any fun since this high point some twelve years ago. Anyway, Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant both won awards. Sigh. However, the one bright spot? "Denver Nuggets coach George Karl received the Jimmy V ESPY for Perseverance. He missed games and practices last season while battling neck and throat cancer. A thinner Karl appeared well, although he didn't come backstage." Crap. Now I actually wish I would have watched a few minutes of the ESPYs now just to see that. Glad to hear George Karl is feeling a bit better.

By the way, hope you're ready for the lockout! Goddamnit.

One last non-NBA item I need to share: holy hell, John Daly is back! I'm sure this won't last, so enjoy it while you can.

Update! Andy Gray just posted this picture on his SI Vault Twitter feed. "Bret Michaels, John Daly, John Daly's son and John Daly's son's middle finger." Enjoy!

Labels: Golden State Warriors, Knee-Mac, New Jersey Nets, nobody gives a damn about the ESPY Awards, Phoenix Suns, Shaun Livingston

I tend to think she's saying "I'm more of a woman than you!"but feel free to add your own caption in the comments.
The Orlando Magic: First, the Magic went down 0-3 in their best of seven series with the Celtics and everybody was talking sweep. Then Orlando won the next two games and suddenly Boston was old again and in real danger of becoming the first team to ever lose a playoff series after building a 3-0 lead.

Uh huh.

Look, here's the deal. In Game 4, the Celts were a little too full of themselves and the Magic were able to play free and loose because they had absolutely nothing to lose. In Game 5, the officials basically put away the whistles and instituted martial law...which is something that typically benefits the home team facing elimination. Over my 25+ years watching NBA playoff basketball, I've seen this scenario play out many times.

That's not to say I wasn't nervous, but I could kind of see what was coming in Game 6. After all, the Celts were easily the better team in Games 1-3 and came within a terrible possession of winning Game 4 despite playing like shit. In all honestly, I figured they'd come home for Game 6 and take care of business.

And they did.

This game did have a little of the unexpected, tho'. Near the end of the first quarter, the Magic were already down 28-19 when Rajon Rondo -- the dude who was killing them early -- was on the receiving end of a little boom boom pow from (you guessed it!) Dwight Howard.


With Rondo out, it should have been advantage Orlando, right? Wrong. That's when U-Dub alum Nate Robsinson -- the teeniest man on the floor -- took the fuck over.


During and after the game, a lot was made out of the fact that Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers kept insisting that Nate Robinson was going to win a playoff game this year. I can only assume they originally meant "for the other team." But Nate -- with help from the Magic -- made Danny and Doc look like junior Nostradamuses. And that spark pushed momentum irrevocably in Boston's favor.

Orlando would end up shooting 43 percent for the game, missing 16 of their 22 treys, shanking 11 freebies and falling behind by 24 before exiting the playoffs with a whimper. But what can you say? The Boston Stranglers put on a defensive exhibition during the last two rounds of the playoffs.

Said Stan Van Gundy: "They beat two very good teams, and made us look like we weren't very good teams. When you go through two series like that, I think you have to be fair and say a lot has to do with them."

Rashard Lewis: The 118 Million Dollar Man sucked all series long. He played so poorly through the first three games that someone finally leaked that he was suffering a viral infection, that he had been "feeling weak" and "tired" during games and hadn't been able to hold food down.

It's possible, I guess. Far be it from me to question how a professional athlete feels. I can only comment on what I saw, and what I saw was this: The Celtics shut Lewis down by...putting a hand in his face.

That's it.

And really, that's all you have to do to stop Rashard Lewis. My buddy Statbuster referred to Lewis as "a 6'10" Steve Kerr," and he was right. Rashard spots up and shoots. That's pretty much his skill set. When the Celtics opted to stay at home on Dwight Howard, that meant they could minimize Lewis' open looks. After his 3-for-11 stink bomb in Game 6, Rashard's series shooting stats were 19-for-56 from the field (33 percent) and 4-for-23 from downtown (17 percent). And he certainly didn't offset his shooting by taking it strong to the hole: Lewis earned only 10 foul shots all series long, which includes his single trip to the line in Game 6.

His series average for PPG was 8.2.

Vince Carter: His Game 6 was classic Vince Carter. The stats -- 17 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists -- were good enough that you can't accuse him of flat out quitting. But his shooting (6-for-15 from the field, 1-for-4 from beyond the arc) and his inability to swing a single game in Orlando's favor highlight the fact that Vag is only difference maker for the opposing team. Remember: Carter was supposed to push the Magic over the hump. Instead, he helped push them into an early playoff grave.

I mean, it says something that his two worst games of the series -- 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting in Game 4 and 8 points on 3-for-10 shooting in Game 5 -- were the only two games the Magic actually won.

Look, on paper, Carter is better than Hedo Turkoglu. Much better, even. But Turk worked for the Magic in ways Vinsanity could not and will not. For instance, during last season's run to the NBA Finals, Orlando's money play was Hedo's pick-and-roll with Howard. That was the play that Orlando went to when nothing else was working. Guess what? Carter can't run that play...it was effectively replaced by Vag isolating and pulling up for a long, contested jumper.

And we see how that worked out.

Jameer Nelson: The line: 32 minutes, 5-for-14 from the field, 1-for-5 from three-point range, 11 points, 4 assists, 5 turnovers, 5 fouls, and a game-worst plus-minus score of -23. More than anybody else, even Dwight, Nelson was the motor for the Magic's boat, and he didn't have it in Game 6. Hell, he couldn't even take advantage of Nate Robinson. In fact, Kryto-Nate basically shut Nelson down while Rondo was massaging his back on the sideline.

Kevin Garnett: You know, in an alternate universe, KG could have been one of my favorite players of all time. I love so many facets of his game: His desire, his intensity, his defense, the way he used to attack the boards like a hungry dog during his days with the Timberpoops. Garnett is also a willing passer, a reluctant scorer who can drop 25 points a game on 52 percent shooting but has always seemed more interested in setting up his teammates.

How many 20+/10+/4+ seasons did he have? Nine straight, baby.

And yet...during his Minnesota days stories kept surfacing. Stories about how he used to pick fights with teammates, how he once sucker-punched Wally Szczerbiak after practice. Nothing was ever totally concrete, but it sure seemed strange how these little tidbits kept coming up. Kind of like how Dwight Howard's elbows keep "accidentally" taking people out. Things that happen once or twice are accidents. Things that happen repeatedly are trends.

Then KG came to Boston and his habits were put on a more public display. Turns out all the ugliness that was hidden by the fact that the T-Wolves aren't on national TV was suddenly being broadcast two or three times a week. KG talking smack, KG popping his jersey, KG going after guards and whistling elbows past faces.

The thing is, despite what his critics will tell you, this stuff doesn't happen all the time. There are long stretches of games where Garnett will be silent as the grave, when he lets his game do the talking. But then...SNAP. See, Ron Artest, he's like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. He's always crazy and it's obvious. KG is more like Hannibal Lecter. He's intelligent and articulate most of the time, which makes it that much more shocking when he starts eating faces.

Which is what happened in Game 6:


I mean...who does that? Not one but two close-fisted punches to an opponent's arm. NBA players dole out plenty of karate chops when guys are grabbing and holding onto them. But what Garnett did was more like something you see in a street fight.

Sadly, that crazy, cruel streak is probably what makes Garnett the competitor he is. It's also why I can't count him among my all-time faves.

The sad bench plus double facepalm equals painful playoff elimination.
The Phoenix Suns: You know how I said I've seen what happened to the Magic happen many times before? Same can be said of the Suns. They played pretty free and loose in Game 5. After all, they had nothing to lose, right? They were guaranteed another home game and even if they didn't win Game 5, they'd still get another shot to steal one in L.A. in Game 7. Of course, the presumes they would win Game 6.

Which didn't seem like a huge leap, right? After all, conventional wisdom says that if the Suns played the way they did in Game 5, only they were at home, then assuming a Phoenix victory was entirely reasonable.

Here's the rub: The Suns were now facing an elimination game. There came a point in the second quarter when Phoenix players seemed to get a case of the yips. Several of their misses were of the in-and-out or roll-off-the-rim variety. Suddenly, guys were hesitating ever so slightly or trying to guide the ball into the rim instead of using their standard follow through. It was as if once the Lakers showed they could break the zone, the Suns felt like they had to score on every possession.

Next thing you know, L.A. was up by 10. Then 15. Then 20.

Let me make one thing clear. This situation isn't the same as a team's will being broken. That's what some Lakers fans thought was going on entering the game. The Suns believed they could win. But when the Lakers withstood their initial offensive onslaught and infact maintained a small lead, nerves kicked in and things snowballed. The game might have ended in a blowout if not for...

Sasha Vujacic: When you're on the road and have the home team on the ropes, the one thing you cannot do is give that team and their home crowd a rallying point. But...that's exactly what Sasha did.


Did Dragic sell that foul to the point of ridiculousness? Hell yeah, he did...just as he should have. If your opponent is going to be that stupid in that big of a situation, it's your right and civil duty to use his stupidity against him.

Unfortunately, that wasn't quite enough...

The Suns' end-of-game defense: Let me start off by saying this: Kobe Bryant hit three of the most amazing, crazy-ass crap shots I've ever seen in an NBA playoff game: A 21-footer with 4:33 left to put L.A. up 97-90; a 21-footer with 1:59 remaining to bump the Laker lead to 101-96; and a 23-footer with 35 seconds to go to make it 107-100 bad guys. Make no mistake: Incredible though they were, those are the shots the Suns wanted Mamba to take: long two-point jumpers that were hotly contested.

But let's face it: Nobody has made -- or, for that matter, even attempted -- more crap shots in league history than Kobe Bryant. In fact, one could make the argument that taking crap shots is his favorite thing in the world next to winning and anal rampage (although not necessarily in that order). You could even say that a lifetime of taking crap shots led to this moment, the single greatest crap shot sequence in living memory. Predictably, those three shots had Alvin Gentry and Steve Nash gushing over Kobe after the game, using all sorts of "best player" hyperbole.

Here's my take. They were tough shots and it was astounding that he hit them. However, as noted, Kobe takes those shots, and he's made an awful lot of them. And he had been zeroing in all series. How many clean looks had Kobe gotten against the Suns' zone? Lots. In the NBA, made shots beget more made shots. Some people don't believe in the "hot hand," but I'm here to tell you it exists. When a player, especially a great one like Bryant, keeps getting clean looks, he gets a "feel" for where the bucket is. Kobe got into a zone against the zone.

As ESPN's John Hollinger noted: "Bryant just kept facing up and shooting contested long J's off the dribble. Normally, forcing such a shot is a huge victory for the defense, but Bryant made a mind-blowing 58.0 percent of his long 2-pointers against Phoenix (hat tip to TrueHoop Network's painted area for that one); usually players shoot in the high 30s from this range. Additionally, the threat of his J was strong enough that he drew several fouls on shot fakes."

Speaking of The Painted Area, here's an extended look at what Mr. Haubs had to say:

In Game 6, Bryant hit on 6-11 "long 2-pointers" (shots from 16-23 feet, inside the 3pt line) along with 3-8 three-pointers, continuing a series-long trend of excellent outside shooting by Kobe.

The Suns actually executed their game plan of forcing Kobe to shoot contested long 2's, but Bryant vastly outshot his normal numbers on long 2's in the series.

In the regular season, Kobe shot .415 on long 2's, and in the first two playoff series, he was down to just .353 from 16-23 feet. However, against Phoenix, Bryant was a remarkable .580 on long 2's, connecting on 29-50.

On top of that, Bryant also made 19-44 (.432) threes for the series, dwarfing his regular-season numbers not only in percentage (.329), but also in makes (3.2 per game, vs. 1.2 in the season).

Whether Kobe can keep his hot shooting going could be a key to The Finals. A linchpin of Boston's defensive strategy is to force Bryant into long 2's, and Kobe hit on just 14-39 (.358) of long 2's in the 2008 Finals.

But again, the Suns' D against those three big shots was solid, and that's the shot you want Kobe taking. No, here's where defense failed Phoenix. First, at the 3:27 mark, Derek Fisher got loose for a tough jumper (99-92). On L.A.'s next possession, Pau Gasol missed a short jumper, but Lamar Odom grabbed the offensive board. Odom missed the layup, got the ball back and missed again before Grant Hill snared the board. An "empty" possession for the Lakers? Not really, because it highlighted the fact that they could own the boards down the stretch...

...sure enough, with 1:14 left and the Suns trailing 103-98, Gasol swooped in for an offensive board and put back off another missed layup by Odom.

Kobe's shots were daggers. But that Fisher shot and the put back by Gasol were the backbreakers. Which brings me to this point: The Lakers outrebounded the Suns 41-31, including 14-8 on the offensive glass. They also dominated in second-chance points. Clutch shots get all the attention, but dirty work wins games. The Lakers won the battle in the trenches and slowed the game down, holding the Suns to a measley two fast break points. Mamba's jumpers make great fodder for Sports Center, but rebounding and transition defense won the day for the Lakers.

Which brings me to...

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: STATUE was the Suns' offensive "leader" during the Western Confernece Finals. He scored 25.0 PPG on 52 percent shooting while earning almost 12 free throw attempts per game. Phoenix would not have been in this series without his ability to put the ball in the basket.

That said, his efforts were as one-dimensional as the characters in a Michael Bay movie.

Amar''''''e is the biggest, strongest, most athletic member of the Suns, but he averaged only 6.0 RPG versus L.A. In the Suns' four losses, he grabbed 3, 6, 4 and 4 rebounds. In Game 6, at home, facing postseason elimination and possibly the end of his career in Phoenix, Stoudemire finished with 2 defensive rebounds. Mind you, this was the biggest game in the biggest series of his life.

What's more, Stoudemire dished out only 3 assists (versus 16 turnovers) in the series, including zero assists over the final four games. The only thing he had eyes for was the rim. To a certain extent, that's understandable. After all, scoring is his primary duty. But Stoudemire faced or dribbled into an awful lot of double and triple coverage over those six games. When that happened, he was thinking "MUST SHOOT" and not "Hey, maybe one of my teammates is open now."

And so my love-hate with STATUE ended in just hate.

The tears of Steve Nash: And there you have it:


Watching this -- what probably should have been a private moment -- hurt me more than anything else, even more than seeing a team I hate beat a team I love. Nash finished with 21 points on 8-for-11 shooting to go along with 5 defensive rebounds -- 3 more than Stoudemire! -- and 9 assists (with only 2 turnovers). Once again, he gave his all. Once again, it wasn't enough. He is still the person who has appeared in the most playoff games in NBA history without making the NBA Finals.

Ignorant, petty people will continue to use this as a slight against him, even now, after a season in which he led the Suns much, much farther than anybody thought he could...perhaps farther than they ever should have gotten. I mean, really, who thought the Suns could replace Shaq with Channing Frye and lean so heavily on guys like Jared Dudley, Goran Dragic and Louis Amundson and still come within a crazy offensive rebound by Ron Artest from maybe taking this series.

Don't laugh. It could have happened.

But it didn't. Early in the season, there was a great post on ESPN's Daily Dime that dissected Nash's decision to re-sign with the Suns rather than chase a championship elsewhere. His response to questions was that, for him, the journey is more important than the destination. That the chance to lead and teach young players is more important than chasing around a championship.

Someone related this to Kobe and his response was "Fuck that. Better him than me." No, really. That's what he said. Because chasing a championship is the only thing that matters to Kobe.

This might lead you to think that a title means nothing to Nash. Well, those tears say differently. It matters. Nash has sacrificed an awful lot. I always bring up the fact that he plays -- and in fact has played well enough to take his place among history's great point guards -- despite a chronic, incurable back ailment. He's had teeth knocked out, his face mangled on multiple occasions, and yet he never complains, goes out, gives his all, plays great against whatever odds...with relatively little fanfare. (I say "relatively" because, if Kobe or LeBron broke and reset their nose mid-game, minstrels would be singing about it for the next hundred years.)

There are people who are going to dis and mock him because he's never won a championship, never made the Finals. Those people are ignorant. How far do you suppose Kobe would have made with this year's Suns team? Do you think he would have inspired guys like Frye, Dudley and Amundson, or do you think he would have threatened and intimidated him, maybe even demanded a trade? Would LeBron have led this squad to a title?

Heck, even Nash's talented teams had flaws. Bad coaching (D'Antoni not trusting his bench comes to mind). Teammates who looked a helluva lot better alongside Nash than they do on their own (look at what guys like Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson, Quentin Richardson have "accomplished" on their own, and that's what Amar''''''e is in store for if and when he leaves Phoenix). Remember back when the Lakers pushed the Suns to seven games in 2006 and everybody was freaking out about how Kobe led a squad of scrubs against this amazingly talented Suns team that featured a starting lineup of Nash, Marion, Raja Bell, Boris Diaw and James Jones? When STATUE wasn't even playing and Tim Thomas was one of their most important bench players?

How that those players have migrated elsewhere and we've gotten additional evidence, tell me again how "talented" that team was. Go on. Tell me. Nash turns shit into salsa...but will probably forever be the whipping boy of people who can't see beyond titles even though those are team and organizational accomplishments.

But whatever. Am I disappointed the Suns lost? Yep. Am I bitter? Nope. A year ago, I might have been. But, like Nash says, the journey is more important than the destination. Heck, the dude is even teaching me.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night