Yes, another Tuesday post even though I said I wouldn't be able to do these this season. I was afraid that if I didn't post omething, Blake Griffin and LeBron James might simultaneously dunk on my ass, resulting in all life as I know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in my body exploding at the speed of light.

Big news, you guys. Darryl Dawkins is apparently now on Twitter. I didn't realize they got Internet service all the way out on Lovetron.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:



All The Games:

Celtics at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: (looks at watch impatiently as Kyrie Irving scores another bucket) So when the hell is Rajon Rondo coming back?

Nyets at Pacers, 7:00pm: Actual Avery Johnson quote after the Nyets lost to the Craptors the other night: "I DIDN'T SEE THE SWAGGER." You can hear that being screamed in his voice right now, can't you? It's making you smile, isn't it?

Hawks at Craptors, 7:00pm: If the Hawks win tonight, it'll be the first time since 1968 that they've won at least four games in a five game roadtrip. But of course they're the Hawks and impossible to predict so they're probably going to score 78 points and get annhiliated by the rollerskating velociraptors or something just to make me look bad for even bringing up that statistic.

Pistons at Knicks, 7:30pm: The painful "clank clank clank" sounds of bricked jumpers will echo through the entire state of New York tonight.

Nuggets at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Lionel Hollins has been brought to the point of calling out his team's effort after dropping four consecutive games. If he really wants to motivate his team, he should just show them his hand and threaten "You'll end up like this if you don't play hard tonight."

Kings at Warriors, 10:30pm: Do we have coaching revenge game possibilities here? This is the first time Keith Smart is facing his former team since getting dropped at the end of last season.

Bobcraps at Lakers, 10:30pm: This is the last Lakers home game until Valentine's Day. And we all know the Lakers struggle on the road, so this game is pretty much a must-win. But also, it's against Charlotte, so that in and of itself makes it a must-win.

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Kendrick Perkins: RIP

Thanks to Javi for the lead pic.

The Late Kendrick Perkins: The only word for this is "wow." It's the closest I've come to seeing a man murdered in cold blood on live TV. I heard they're still scooping bits of Perkins out of the smoking crater left by Blake's dunk. On the bright side, Perk's family will save money, because they won't need a casket. There probably isn't enough left of him to fill a chum bucket.


By the way, no disrespect to LeBron's jam over John Lucas III, but slamming the ball over a 5'11" point guard with his back turned isn't as impressive as throwing it the hell down over a seven-foot tough guy center who's trying to stop you.

Just sayin'.

The Orlando Magic: The Philadelphia 76ers shot 37 percent from the field, missed 11 of their 15 three-point attempts, bricked nine free throws, and scored only 74 points. At home.

But they won anyway. 'Cause they were playing the Orlando Magic.

As Michael Ray Richardson would stay: The ship be sinking. The Magicians managed a feeble 69 points on 33 percent shooting. They also missed 12 free throws in the five-point defeat. If was their fifth loss in six games, a fail streak that includes a 93-67 setback to the godawful Hornets.

Meanwhile, Dwight Howard -- who went 6-for-17 from the field, 5-for-13 from the line, finished with a game-worst plus-minus of -14 and missed several shots down the stretch -- has been rippin' on his teammates while his trade demand lingers around the team like a stale fart.

Said Howard: "It's not the first time I've called them out. As a leader, you've got to do things that people don't like. People hate what they don't understand. My teammates understand why I said what I said. They all agree. It's not like, 'Oh, Dwight's wrong with what he said.' But that's with anything. My job is to challenge my teammates and challenge myself to go out and play every night."

Challenge NOT accepted, Dwight.

Added Howard: "We're still a great basketball team, we're just going through a tough stretch. That's it. There's no need for us to complain or point the finger or for anybody to panic. We're going to be fine."

Wait, Dwight. You called out your teammates. Isn't that the text book definition of finger pointing? And, hey, you're demanding to be traded and have essentially said you're not gonna re-sign with the team if you aren't traded.

Why worry?

The Washington Wizards Generals: After Derrick Rose lit his team up for a season-high 35 points -- including 13 points in the first quarter and then 15 points in the third as the Bulls built a 22-point lead -- Washington's Trevor Booker said: "Sometimes I caught myself spectating. Some of those shots were unbelievable."


The New Orleans Hornets: They let a 12-point lead become a 27-point deficit as the Heat caught fire (get it?!) from the field (55 percent shooting) and controlled the boards (39-25). So, naturally, New Orleans coach Monty Williams wanted to complain about the officiating.

Said Williams: "It's hard to play the kind of basketball that you need to play when you're not getting what you feel is a fair call at times. I thought our guys got beat up a little bit tonight going to the basket. ... Take nothing away from Miami. That is a championship-contending team. Their effort showed that tonight."

I dunno. I'm not saying the Heat didn't have a few calls and non-calls go their way. But when you fall behind by almost 30 points, it's more than just the officating.

Just sayin'.

The Houston Rockets: The Minnesota Timberwolves came into Houston and dropped a franchise record 42 third quarter points on the Rocketeers, which ended up being the NBA equivalent of a Game Over screen. Minny finished the game with 120 points on 58 percent shooting. Hands? Faces? Anyone?

Said Houston coach Kevin McHale: "It was just like we were sitting there and we could never find any kind of rhythm defensively. We never got many consecutive stops, we never really dug in and got things. Just felt like one of those games when we were stuck in the mud."

Huh. "Stuck in the mud" is probably the best way to describe the Rockets these days.

The Detroit Pistons: The Pissed-Ons are already the second-worst team in the NBA. Last night in Milwaukee, they were minus Ben Gordon (sore left shoulder), Charlie Villanueva (sore right ankle) and Will Bynum (strained right foot). So their 103-82 loss to the Bucks was only surprising in that they didn't lose by 30.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine: Regarding Mike Dunleavy Jr.'s 20 points: "Dunleavy was dominant."

I never, ever, ever thought I'd see those words strung together in English or any other language.

Mike Dunleavy Jr., quote machine: "In Vegas, I'm a blackjack guy. Numbers, they always come back. You can start off and be getting crushed by the house and losing all your money, but if you stick around the tables long enough, you'll make it back."

Oooookay.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Care Bears scored only 73 points (on 37 percent shooting) in a home loss to the Spurs. Throw in a 46-37 rebounding deficit (including 14-8 on the offensive glass) and their 17 turnovers, and you've got a team that's sucking.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "Did you see effort out there? That's the problem. We're not working. First effort, second effort, third effort -- when we give effort, it's just for a few seconds, and then we let up."


Rudy Gay, quote machine: On finishing with 1 point on 0-for-7 shooting: "I don't think it was too much about what (the Spurs) did. It's about me finding the spots to make shots. I will take responsibility for that."

The Phoenix Suns: Free Steve Nash. That is all.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Bulls-Generals: Chris Singleton fouled and bricked twice each to earn +4 in 7:36.

Hornets-Heat: The ancient Juwan Howard fabulously bricked it up in 4 minutes, also taking a rejection and fouling for +3. Fellow South Beacher James Jones struck gold with a 3.7 trillion (3:44).

Spurs-Grizzlies: San Antonio's Cory Joseph fouled once in 26 seconds of Koopa hunting for +1 and a Mario.

Meanwhile, Josh Selby bricked once from the Sterick Building and also fouled in 7:57 for a +2.

Wolves-Rockets: Derrick Williams fouled, bricked, and had a rejection for a +3 in 6:46, and fellow puppy Brad Miller scrapped out a treasure worth 1.7 trillion (101 seconds)!

Frail Blazers-Jazz: Elliot Williams got a Game Boy as a gift from Paul Allen, spending 24 seconds blowing dust off the cartridge for a Mario.

Thunder-Clippers: Nazr Mohammed made two blocks in 5:46, but only managed a turnover otherwise in a non-lacktive 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Meanwhile, 79 seconds was all that was needed for Donald Sterling to gain two new real estate speculators (Trey Thompkins and Solomon Jones with 1.3 trillion each) on his roster, and one suck differential (+1 via brick for Eric Bledsoe)!

Labels: RIP Kendrick Perkins, Worst of the Night

Sorry for my lack of a weekend BAD post and getting this one posted late. I've had to work a little overtime at my Clark Kent job, plus I had a very busy weekend so I couldn't get anything done Saturday or Sunday. And when it came down to writing a blog post or going on a date Friday night... sorry, guys. No hard feelings? Group hug??

This is pretty much the definition of basketbawful: a DeSagana Diop free throw attempt gone horribly wrong. Somewhere, Ben Swanson sheds a single tear. (h/t Basketbawful reader grizzly)

Also, as noted by our friends at Hardwood Paroxysm, this is mandatory reading.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:


Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 7:00pm: You know, if the Generals played the Bobcraps every game, their record would be pretty good.

Thunder at Clippers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Here's something surprising I read when examining this game. "The home team won each of the four games in last season's series, with the Thunder shooting 20.0 percent (8 for 40) from 3-point range and 39.5 percent overall in two defeats at Staples Center." And that's against last year's sad sack Clippers! Not this year's Super Clippers.

All The Other Games:

Magic at 76ers, 7:00pm: Over the last seven games, the Magic are averaging an abysmal 81.1 points per game. When did they secretly trade their entire roster for a mix of Pistons and Bobcraps players??

Hornets at Heat, 7:30pm: The Hornets are dead last in fast-break points against per game. The Heat exist solely to demoralize you with fast-break scoring. I don't need Mr. T here to tell you the prediction for tonight is pain. But you know what? I'm gonna give you Mr. T anyway, because that's what I do.


Timberwolves at Rockets, 8:00pm: The Rockets have been winning even without Kevin Martin the past couple of games. So basketball is just like real life I guess. K-mart is kinda unnecessary these days.

Pistons at Bucks, 8:00pm: The Pissed-Ons are starting a three-games-in-three-nights road trip. I'm sure this will go well. (And then they play Milwaukee again Friday night, just for the record.)

Spurs at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: Well. I guess the Spurs' starters will be well rested after last night's game...

Mavericks at Suns, 9:00pm: Jason Kidd is out for tonight's game (and possibly a week or so) with a calf injury. Why oh why can we not get a healthy point guard to play against the Suns anymore to make things fun??

Trail Blazers at Jazz, 9:00pm: Portland hasn't been a terribly good road team this season, but this is still a very intriguing game, especially since the Blazers did win both of their games at Utah last season.

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Wait...what?
The Orlando Magic: Seriously, Orlando Magic? Seriously? This game was so ugly for the Celtics I stopped watching in disgust part way into the third quarter when Paul Pierce and, like, three Celtics I barely recognized were running around like little, headless chickens. Later, I texted a friend something along the lines of "Fuckin' Celtics" and receilved the following reply:

Celtics won.

(Actually, the reply said "Clerics won." Thank you, Autocorrect.)

I was stunned beyond words. And so were the Basketbawful faithful:

You wanna talk bawful? Orlando has blown a 27-point lead and is now down 3 with 7:33 to go, to the Boston Geezers-I mean, Celtics. Can the Magic successfully turn this into a loss, and snatch wretched defeat from the jaws of a blowout? Stay tuned! Glen Davis is currently building his CV, he apparently is interested in switching careers from "professional cryer/eater" to "master bricklayer".
--The Other Chris

This is a truly auspicious and magnificent bawfulcomplishment by the Magicians. Their last possession featured Hedo "Ball" Turkopoopoo dribbling around aimlessly for a while, almost turning the ball over, and then getting his terrible 20-footer blocked as the shot clock expired. The Celtics defence is fantastic, but ye gods the Orlando offense is.. well, offensive.
--The Other Chris (again)

The Celtics were behind 58-37 at halftime. They proceed to dominate in the fourth quarter 27-8, with Orlando only scoring 5 points for the first 11:15 of the 4th. No, none of these are typos. And did anyone else witness that great moment in inbounding with about 30 seconds left? :D
chris

Oops I Did It Again should become the Magic's official team song.
--Bing

Magic are up 27 points Vs. the Celtics and end up losing by 8. I'm sure Dwight is just itching to sign a long term deal with them after this crap. And oh yea, guess Kryptonite isn't the only green thing that can stop Dwight Howard.
--Sturla

Magic's FG% was way too high this game. If they really want to out do their previous bawful effort, they need to suck for full 48 minutes instead of pretending to play for first 2 quarters. Seriously though, sad Orlando is sad.
--JJ

You wanna talk bawful fail of epictacular proporations? Boston ripped off a 15-1 run to start the fourth quarter. During that montage of crap, Orlando shot 0-for-7 from the field, went 1-for-6 at the free throw line, and bumbled the ball alway three times.

That 27-point choke was the Magician's biggest gag-job since losing a 22-point lead to the Mavericks...back in 2001.

Did I mention that the Celtics were still without Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen? (And Jermain "The Drain" O'Neal for that matter.) Or that Boston rookie E'Twaun Moore scored as many points (16) as Dwight Howard?

Said Stan Van Grumpy: "Their pressure, again, really pushed us sideways. We got frustrated with the officials and we got totally off our game."

Frustrated with the officials. Despite a 31-19 free throw advantage. And Boston's last eight FTAs were forced fouls. I'm just sayin'.

More facts from ESPN Stats and Information:

The Boston Celtics overcame a 27-point deficit to beat the Orlando Magic on Thursday, the largest deficit the Celtics have overcome and the largest lead the Magic have blown in any game in the past 16 seasons (as far back as we can go).

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, NBA teams had won their previous 282 games in which they led by at least 27 points, dating to December 21, 2009.

This comes three nights after the Magic scored a franchise-low 56 points on a franchise-low 24.6 percent shooting -- in another loss to the Celtics. Orlando scored 58 points in the first half alone on Thursday, but the second half more resembled Monday’s awful performance.

Elias tells us the Celtics allowed only 45 second-half points over their past two games combined: 20 on Monday and 25 on Thursday, both against the Magic. That’s the fewest second-half points allowed over a two-game span in the NBA’s shot-clock era. The previous low was 46 second-half points allowed over a two-game span by Detroit in 2003-04.

Orlando led 32-16 after the first quarter, but scored fewer points in each successive quarter, tallying just eight in the fourth. That’s the fewest fourth-quarter points they’ve scored in the past 15 seasons.

The Magic are averaging just 69.5 points per game in two games against the Celtics this season and 97.3 ppg in their other 16 games.

Lastly, Elias tells us that it’s just the third time in the shot-clock era that an NBA team scored more points in the first half than they did in the entire game in their previous matchup against that team that season.

Said Howard: "We thought it was going to be easy after the first two quarters."


And this is also why you fail:


Kevin Garnett, quote machine: Two words: Bar fight.


The Memphis Grizzlies: Let's see:

35.7 percent shooting? Check.

Giving up 24 points off 17 turnovers? Check.

Yeah, that'll earn you a loss on the road against the Clippers.

Said Care Bears coach Lionel Hollins: "We couldn't get any stops down the stretch. We were within three, and every time they came back down, they got it back to five. We never got a stop where we could get a chance to take the lead."

Huh. I guess I see what he's sayin'...but when your team shoots less than 36 percent from the field and gives the opposition a quarter of their points by throwing the ball away, your down-the-stretch defense is probably the least of your problems.

Rudy Gay, "I'm not givin' the other guys any credit" machine: "None of it was their defense. It was us. I mean, they do have some long athletic big men that alter a couple of shots. But for the most part, we were getting good shots and just weren't knocking them down."



Chris' One-Line Lacktion Ledger: Greg Stiemsma barely assisted with Boston's big comeback, putting up a paltry assist and two blocks in 7:18 that were easily countered by a turnover and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl.

Labels: Memphis Grizzlies, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

Just for the record: Bawful texted me this morning that he didn't have time to write up a WOTN post today. I suggested he just throw up a picture of the Bobcraps logo and call it a day. "Hm. Good point."

Also, bad news for all the Hornets fans (all five of you)... Eric Gordon's out 3 to 6 more weeks thanks to his bum right knee.

Late addition: Derrick Rose is pissed, you guys. Check out this quote after last night's loss:

"I'll never forget how they celebrated just from winning this game. I can't wait to play them again."

Yeah, we'll have to keep that one in mind next time these two teams go to battle.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:





Nationally Televised Games:

Celtics at Magic, TNT, 8:00pm: If this isn't a revenge game for the Magic, Dwight Howard will demand a trade. Oh, wait...

Grizzlies at Clippers, TNT, 10:30pm: I'm pretty sure Clippers players were still getting technical fouls called on them last night when they climbed into bed after the game.

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Head over to quickmeme and join our underground campaign to free Steve Nash from from the fiery pits of hell the Phoenix Suns.

Thanks to BadDave for starting the meme.

Labels: Free Steve Nash, quickmeme

First things first: happy trails, Flip Saunders. I'll miss your amazingly fun name, terrible hair and goofy expressions of frustration. Someone, please hire Flip ASAP.

Oh, plus there's this: "Will most miss Flip Saunders' postgame quote sheet, which was often must-read. As close as you'll get to seeing 'I hate my team' in print."

Beyond that, I am going to give you some extra bawful tonight. There were so many great Monday night game pictures I missed posting yesterday that I needed to share them tonight. I'm sure you won't mind.


Worst of Monday Night in Pictures:

Worst of Last Night in Pictures:



Nationally Televised Games:

Pacers at Bulls, NBA TV, 8:00pm: The Pacers are one of the better defensive teams, and one of the best rebounding teams. They're fresh off a loss to the Magic and probably ready for a little justice. The Bulls might have their hands full here. That being said, the Bulls are the best defensive team and second in rebounds per game to only the Pacers. I'm excited for this game, guys.

Clippers at Lakers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: THE BATTLE OF LA. OMG OMG OMG! THIS GAME IS IMPORTANT. SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

All The Other Games:

Knicks at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: Nothing like delivering an absolute ass-whupping to the Bobcraps to get you out of a funk, right? The Knickerbockers might actually show up for this game. (Emphasis on "might." I make zero guarantees with this team.)

Nyets at 76ers: If there's a better way for the Sixers to start a home stand, I don't know it. Well, I take that back. I guess they could start the home stand against a team of elementary school kids. But barring that, this is a pretty good substitute.

Bobcraps at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: Dead coach bounce alert!! Dead coach bounce alert!!

Heat at Pistons, 7:30pm: I'm looking at the Pistons news feed on ESPN.com right now. If you feel like being depressed, go read it for a few minutes. Brutal. Can someone please help turn this team around? I miss their excellent team play when they won the title just a few short years ago. I remember some people complaining about them being boring, but I liked them and they were actually competitive.

Bucks at Rockets, 8:00pm: A nice little stat for you. This 7 game winning streak the Rockets are riding is the longest since their ridiculous franchise record 22-game run in 2008. Good times.

Hornets at Thunder, 8:00pm: The Thunder have won a nice nine out of their last 10. But they lost to the friggin' Generals. So I have no expectations for this game.

Timberwolves at Mavericks, 8:30pm: The Mavs have won two straight without Dirk. Wounded Tiger theory? Or just favorable scheduling? (Hint: it's the latter.)

Hawks at Spurs, 8:30pm: A moment to put things into perspective: Tim Duncan is having a pretty awful year compared to his standards. But he's still averaging 13.5 points and 7.3 rebounds. Respect.

Craptors at Jazz, 9:00pm: Well, the Craptors got their one novelty win out of the way last night. Time to go back to rollerblading down stairs, right? (Seriously, Toronto fans. I don't hate your team. I just love that video of your mascot failing so, so hard.)

Nuggets at Kings, 10:00pm: The last time these two teams met on January 6th, the Nuggets bench scored 62 points. Their bench outscored the entire Magic roster's total against Boston the other night. Could Excremento show up looking for a little revenge? Or will it not matter because they're Excremento?

Trail Blazers at Warriors, 10:30pm: Fun stat of the day: Jeremy Tyler's PER in the 1.3 minutes of playing time he's averaged in six games? Negative 8.3. We salute your commitment to being bawful, Jeremy.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, pictures galore

"No more jumpers, Tyrus. Do you hear me? Tyrus? Hello...?"
The Indiana Pacers: One night after the worst offensive performance in franchise history, the Magic blew out of the Pacers in Indiana. In the process, Dwight Howard becamse Orlando's all-time leading scorer.

Said Pumaman: "It's a humbling experience. It does mean a lot. Not too many players in this league can say that they were their franchise's leading scorer."

And even fewer players can say it happened while they had an outstanding "Trade me the hell out of here!" request with said franshise.

As for the Pacers, they shot 39 percent, went 3-for-11 from downtown and committed 19 turnovers. But remember: They are, according to Roy Hibbert, the NBA's best kept secret. So we should assume this all part of the team's plan to remain shrouded in a cloak of mystery.

Said Paul George: "We just have to take this loss and move on. It's a long season. We must continue to grow and help each other."

Good luck with that, Paul. You check the schedule lately? Your next three games are at Chicago tonight, at Boston on Friday and at Orlando on Saturday. I'm just sayin'.

The Charlotte Bobcraps: The good news: Charlotte held Carmelo Anthony to a career-worst 1 point last night...and that single, solitary, sad point was scored via a technical free throw. So it's safe to say his ass got shut the hell down.

The bad news: The Bobcraps lost by 33 points anyway. In Charlotte.

Charlotte shot 33 percent and made Tyson Chandler (20 points and 17 boards) look like Dwight Howard.

Said Byron Mullens: "It's a (self-) check. I didn't come out to play. Tyson Chandler had 17 rebounds. That can't happen. I'll take full responsibility for that."

Said Bobcraps soon-to-be-fired coach Paul Silas: "I didn't like our softness. Eight offensive rebounds? That says we didn't play hard or tough. If I'm a 7-foot guy, do I let a guard push me under the basket? I tell these guys, 'You're coming out if you do that again.' There's not much else to say.

"We just didn't have enough. We had really two players that played tonight, that's Kemba Walker and Gerald Henderson. I think Brown scored a little bit there at the end but that was it. When Carmelo Anthony goes 0 for 7, come on, you know? We should at least be in the game."

Carmelo Anthony: Here's some historical perspective on 'Melo's 1-point outing courtesy of ESPN Stats and Information:

From Elias: Carmelo Anthony did not make a field goal yet his Knicks won by 33 points. It's just the 5th time since the ABA-NBA merger in which a player was 0-7 from the field and that player's team won by at least 33 points:

Gerald Wallace SAC 0-9 2001-02
Johnny Davis POR 0-9 1976-77
Carmelo Anthony NY 0-7 Tuesday
Troy Hudson MIN 0-7 2004-05
Scott Meents SEA 0-7 1990-91

Melo went 0-7 from the field, the first time in his career that he's played more than 2 minutes and made no field goals. He's had one other game without a field goal, when he sprained his ankle 1:09 into the game in a 101-92 Nets win over the Nuggets on November 28, 2005.

Carmelo Anthony was held scoreless in the first half. It was just the fifth time in 607 career games that Anthony failed to score before halftime.

The Cleveland Cadavers: Dwyane Wade was out, LeBron James had a bad night (8-for-21 with 5 turnovers), and the Cadavers had a legitimate chance of pulling off a win against the cHeat in Miami. Then...Chris Bosh happened:


The RuPaul of Big Men scored 17 of his game-high 35 points in the fourth quarter. He went 10-for-16 from the field and 14-for-14 at the line. It was the third-highest fourth quarter explosion of his career and the 35 points represents his highest scoring output since joining the Nazgul in Miami.

Cleveland lost in part because they were in such a giving mood.

Said Kyrie Irving: "We kind of beat ourselves tonight. We had 22 turnovers and we lost by seven points."

Added Cadavers coach Byron Scott: "Stayed in the game for 48 minutes. And the only thing I'm disappointed in is the fact that we had 22 turnovers. That's killing our young team."

I'm not saying the 22 turnovers didn't hurt. I'm not. But allow me to provide some perspective: Miami committed 18 turnovers and Cleveland scored 22 points off of them. Meanwhile, the Cadavers gave up only 13 points off their 22 turnovers. So, you know, I'm just sayin'.

The Phoenix Suns: Free Steve Nash for fuck's sake! Free him! For the love of God! Please! Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Okay. So here's the deal. The Craptors showed up in Phoenix with an eight-game losing streak and one of the bawfulest rosters in the league. What's more, Toronto hadn't beaten the Suns since February 10, 2004, a losing stretch of 14 games.

It looked like that fail streak might reach 15 until the Craptosaurs outscored the Suns 31-19 in the third quarter. Andrea Bargnani, in his return from injury, dropped 18 points over that 12-minute span. Bargs finished with a season-high 36.

Meanwhile, the Phoenix starters combined for five free throws. Total. And Marcin Gortat had all of them.

Said Nash: "Obviously we were struggling for energy, and I think that was the key, especially in that third quarter. They beat us on all the second-effort plays. They made a lot more of the plays, hustling for loose balls or running the floor, little things like that."

Nut-crushing reality: This was Toronto's first win over the Suns since Captain Canada joined the team.

Said Channing Frye: "We're professionals and we have to figure it out, take the criticism and keep moving forward."

In possibly related news, Frye went 1-for-7 from the field.

Added Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "We've got to continue to work. We've got to continue to be united. We've got to continue to try to get better. That's the only thing as a coach that I know how to do.

"There's nobody that's going to quit. We're not going to let anybody quit. We'll continue to try to figure it out and try to turn our season around. Nobody is going to throw in the towel, I know that."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: According to the AP game notes for the Craptors-Suns game: "Entering the game, the only active win streaks longer than the Suns-Raptors were Portland's 16 straight over Minnesota and the Los Angeles Lakers' 15 in a row over Minnesota."

The Memphis Grizzlies: So much for that seven-game winning streak. The Care Bears shot 38 percent from the field and made Marcus Camby (22 rebounds plus 5 blocked shots) look like the second coming of Bill Russell.

It took the Griz more than nine minutes to hit a shot to start the second half, going 0-for-12 during that span of time.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "When you're a little bit fatigued, it's hard to keep attacking. You want to settle, and we did settle too much."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Magic-Pacers: Louis Amundson amounted to very little, despite five boards in 13:11 - three fouls and turnovers each led to a 6:5 Voskuhl. Fellow Indiana resident Jeff Pendergraph cashed in after just 85 seconds for a 1.4 trillion!

Cavs-Heat: Ryan Hollins negated a three-point performance in exactly 12 minutes with a quartet of fouls for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Raptors-Suns: Robin Lopez laid an egg from the field in 3:46 and added two fouls for a +3 and a 2:0 Voskuhl!!

Labels: Worst of the Night

Caption this.
The New Jersey Nyets: The following video clip shows absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Bulls:





Avery Johnson, quote machine: "WHEN THE BULLS ARE ENERGIZED AND THEY GET DERRICK ROSE BACK, THEY CAN SCORE 110 ON A LOT OF TEAMS."

Especially teams named "The New Jersey Nyets."

The Washington Wizards Generals: The following excerpts from the AP recap tells you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Sixers:

The Sixers must wish they could play the Wizards (2-15) every night. They beat them by 31 points and 13 points on consecutive nights earlier this month, and this game was never competitive.

...

The Wizards, who lost Sunday at Boston, played with little passion in the first half. They walked down the court for offensive possessions, never hustled after loose balls and couldn't convert the easiest of buckets, missing eight of nine shots in the paint in the first quarter. Washington coach Flip Saunders took a knee in front of the scorer's table, bowed his head and rubbed his temples after a string of sloppy plays.

...

The Sixers had 62 points in the first half, topping their previous season high for a half (54) set against, yup, Washington on Jan. 13.

The Orlando Magic: The following comments from yesterday's BAD post tell you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Celtics:

"The Magic, 16 from 65 from the field. Whoa."
-Bing

"Hahahahahahahahaha the Magic. Sorry. Not only with a franchise-low 56 points and 16 made field goals. they also played with only four players on the court for one posession, before richardson recognized the mess and knocked the ball out of bounds witout checking in. the bawful level of the season has reached a point beyond human understanding."
-Cetti

Also:

"The Magic shot 24.6 percent from the field in Monday's 87-56 loss, their lowest shooting percentage in franchise history."
-ESPN Stats and Information

Dwight Howard, quote machine: "There's no way KG should be beating me up and down the floor. There was a couple plays where he beat me up and down the floor. There's no way. He's 40 and I'm 25. I just can't allow that to happen. I have to step up and be the leader for this team."

The New Orleans Hornets: The following video clip shows everything you need to know about last night's last-second loss to the Spurs...and the rest of the Hornets' season-to-date:




Monty Williams, quote machine: "I told Emeka, 'It's coming to you.' He made a tough shot. You'd take that defense every time. It's just that [Duncan has] been there, done that. That's why he is one of the best power forwards of all time and one of the best players in the history of the game. Those situations don't bother him."

Tim Duncan, quote machine: "I just wanted to win on the road, honestly. I don't remember the road ever being this tough."

The Detroit Pistons: The following plus-minus scores for Detroit's starting lineup tell you absolutely everything you need to know about last night's blowout loss to the Thunder:

Ben Wallas: -10
Rodney Stuckey: -15
Tayshaun Prince: -22
Greg Monroe: -23
Brandon Knight: -23

The Phoenix Suns: Free Steve Nash. Please.

Jared Dudley: Regarding Shawn Marion's season-high 29 points scored in the abscence of Dirk Nowitzki: "Shawn was Dirk tonight."

The Golden State Warriors: All I can say is this: They choked away a 20-point lead and got outscored 39-22 in the fourth quarter to lose by a point to the Grizzlies. And it happened at home.

Said Warriors coach Mark Jackson: "At the start of that fourth quarter, we could have knocked them out. They would have been ready to surrender. We didn't when we had a chance to. They got underneath our skin, and we didn't respond."

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Generals-Sixers: Craig Brackins rang the Liberty Bell on a 1.5 trillion bonus (92 seconds)!

Magic-Celtics: Orlando's Ryan Anderson assisted twice in 23:16, but bricked EIGHT times, lost the rock once, and fouled thricely for a 4:0 Voskuhl!!

And can someone tell me how Dwight Howard - he of the mediocre free throw technique - managed a Dantley (10 charity stripe points to 4 field goals made)!?

Nyets-Bulls: DeShawn Stevenson (whose lacktion was also noticed by a Bulls fan - http://www.bulls101.com/2012/01/23/rip-city-chicago-bulls-110-new-jersey-nets-95/ ) took a rejection and bricked twice (once from the Sears Tower) in 10:03 to give the Nyets a +3.

Spurs-Hornets: Kawhi Leonard heaved a brick from the French Quarter in 7:11 to earn the Spurs a +1!

Pistons-Thunder: Nick Collison was perfect from the field (on one try) in 9:11, only to negate that and a board with two fouls and two turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Wolves: Houston's Jordan Hill wiped out a rebound in 6:27 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Suns-Mavs: Robin Lopez had one field goal in 10:37, but egged out three fouls and a turnover for a 4:2 Voskuhl.

Purple Paupers-Blazers: Kurt Thomas's singular make from the field in 17:41 was countered by four fouls and one lost rock for a 5:2 Voskuhl, while Chris Johnson can now invest in a software company with Paul Allen after a 1.35 trillion (81 seconds)!

Grizzlies-Warriors: The victorious baby cubs certainly weren't deprived of lacktion tonight with three +2 suck differentials, starting with Josh Selby, who bricked once and took a rejection for in 6:37. Quincy Pondexter had a turnover instead of rejection in 4:01, while Sam Young matched Selby's statline in 110 seconds!

East Oakland's Andris Biedrins managed two boards as starting big man, but earned three fouls in 16:06 for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Labels: Worst of the Night

I don't know about you guys, but I had a great weekend. But it's time to move on. And what better way to move on than these pictures? Thank you, NBA players, coaches, and fans, for giving us an unending supply of comedy.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:



Nationally Televised Games:

Magic at Celtics, NBA TV, 7:30pm: It's Glen Davis' Boston homecoming! If Big Baby doesn't shed a couple tears, I may need to reconsider everything I believe in life.

Grizzlies at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: As of this moment, the Grizz are leading their division. They are leading the reigning champion Mavs and the umpteen-time champion Spurs. THE GRIZZLIES. Remember when I said I may need to reconsider everything I believe in life? Scratch that. I absolutely need to reconsider everything I believe in life.

All The Other Games:

Wizards Generals at 76ers, 7:00pm: They may still be mostly losing, but the Generals are finally trying hard and keeping their games somewhat close. What happened? Did someone inform the team "Hey, you guys DO realize the preseason is over. This stuff actually counts. Right?"

Spurs at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Hornets are averaging a league-worst 85.1 points per home game. Maybe they should reconsidering their choice to replace the rims with those undersized ones they use at the fair to screw you out of a fair chance to win a giant teddy bear.

Nyets at Bulls, 8:00pm: Chicago's injuries just keep piling up. We are about two more injuries from Bawful himself finally getting a shot at the big show.

Hawks at Bucks, 8:00pm: The Bucks are fresh off a somewhat surprising road win against the Heat. Can anyone say "letdown game?"

Rockets at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: The Timberwolves are 5-4 since losing Michael Beasley to a sprained foot. Just sayin'.

Pistons at Thunder, 8:00pm: Oh, Detroit. The Pissed-Ons are riding a 14-game losing streak against Western Conference opponents. Meanwhile, they are dead-last in points and rebounds per game this season. Coincidence? Also, the classic Ray Charles song Hard Times just came up on my MP3 player while I was typing this. Coincidence???

Suns at Mavericks, 8:30pm: This compressed schedule sucks. Maybe I should pull a Dirk and take off a week or so for "conditioning." (Just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you guys. I love you all too much.)

Kings at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Excremento is dead last in points allowed per game, and 5th to last in points per game. But they have still managed to somehow win six games. This is why you can't just look at averages.

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Rape Ghost!
The Washington Wizards Generals: Sigh. It's the same old story for this sorry squad. Sure, they were playing at home against an aging and slumping Celtics team that was without Rajon Rondo (sprained wrist). And, yeah, Boston lost the services of Ray Allen with six and a half minutes to go in the second quarter after Ray-Ray sprained the wrist connected to his shooting hand.

Enter Paul Pierce. The Truth had managed only a feeble 20 total points in his previous two games. Didn't matter. The Generals are like a Fountain of Healing to their opponents, and Pierce finished with a season-high 34 points on 10-for-15 from the field and 12-for-15 from the line. He also had season-bests in assists (10) and steals (3).

Believe it or not, Washington actually came back from a 15-point third quarter deficit to take a one-point lead in the fourth...

...but Pierce and Kevin Garnett closed them out. KG even jumped for the first time in the 2011-12 season.

Note the stellar D by Andray Blatche.
Said Generals coach Flip Saunders: "We got ahead because we defended, got ahead and ran, and we moved the ball offensively. Then all of a sudden we got ahead and the ball had Velcro."

Flip Saunders, quote machine: "Ten days ago we weren't competing at a high level. We've gotten to the point now we're competing at a high level. Now we've got to find a way to close out these games."

In possibly related news, the Generals are a league-worst 2-14 and are the only team still winless on the road (0-6). But, hey, at least they're competing at a high level now.

The Toronto Craptors: Aaaaaaaaand...here we go:


Tonight's Craptoriffic loss came courtesy of Mo Williams, who single-handedly turned back Toronto's rally from a 22-point deficit by scoring The Other L.A. Team's first 17 points of the fourth quarter. That's right. Their first 17 points.

And people say he shouldn't have been an All-Star a few years back.

(Those people are right, but that's another story.)

Said Mo: "I didn't do it by myself. I mean, let's get that straight. Anytime you're doing something, you're not doing it alone. You can't play one-on-five -- not in this league. It might look like it because I'm the guy making the baskets. But trust me, there's a lot of things that have to go on for me to get the ball in the right spots."

You can't play one-on-five? Not in this league? Kobe Bryant begs to differ, Mo.

But I digress.

The Craptors didn't lose only because they forgot to put a talon or two in Williams' face. Defense was also an issue, as evidenced in this appropriately titled video Clippers Put On Dunking Clinic In Win Over Raptors:


Toronto was down 27-11 after 12 minutes.

Said DeMar DeRozan: "Another loss -- and the way we lost is definitely frustrating. We dug ourselves our own hole. We tried to fight back, but teams are too good in this league to allow that. Teams are going out there and jumping on our team. No one likes to take a loss, so we need to act like it from the start."

Added Craptors coach Dwane Casey: "Our starts have been horrendous. We compete harder in practice than we do to start the games. That is nothing against the Clippers. They've got a very solid basketball team, and they are going to be in the money at the end of the day."

And the Craptosaurs will be out of the money. At the end of the day, the week, the month, the season...

The Miami cHeat: Well now. Despite shooting a bawful 35 percent from the field -- including a gak-inducing 16 percent (5-for-30) from three-point range -- the Bucks managed to beat the cHeat in Miami despite coming in with a 1-8 record outside of Milwaukee.

How'd that happen? Well, the cHeat had season-worsts in points (82) and field goal percentage (37), committed 22 turnovers for 22 points going the other way, and tied an NBA season-low with only 9 assists...which also happened to be the second-lowest total in Miami franchise history.

Said LeBron James: "We can't make no excuses for ourselves."

Cool. I hate excuses.

Added LeBron: "But no one had energy from the start of the game to the end."

Wait. Isn't that an excuse?

Said cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra: "We're not going to make any excuses."

Cool. I hate excuses.

Added Spoelstra: "That's a busy week but that's not an excuse for tonight."

Wait. Isn't that an excuse?

The Bucks have now won consecutive road games for the first time since December 2010. Thank you, Miami cHeat.

Bonus bawful from the AP recap: The teams combined for almost as many TOs (11) as field goals (12) in the third quarter.

LeBron James, quote machine: Regarding teammate Shane Battier calling Miami's performance a clunker: "I don't even know what that means. Shane has words I've never heard, maybe it's a college word."

I'm guessing LeBron isn't winning too many games of Words with Friends.

The Charlotte Bobcraps: Games against teams like the Nyets -- even if they're on the road -- are among the rare opportunities for the Bobcraps to actually come away with a win. Last night wasn't one of those nights though.

As Nyets coach Avery Johnson screamed it: "WE FIGURED THAT [THE] FIRST TEAM TO 100 WOULD REALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN."

So the Little General coaches by Lawler's Law. Nice.

Added Johnson: "WE MADE MORE SHOTS TONIGHT."

He's kind of right. Charlotte was 37-for-79 while New Jersey went 38-for-86. So the Nyets made ONE more shot. Although they shot a lower percentage. But even that's enough to beat the Bobcraps.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Pacers really won this one by a nose! Ha ha ha a ha ha ho ha a he he a ha oh ah ha. Okay. I'm done.


Roy Hibbert got his nose busted up last night by, of course, Kobe Bryant. It didn't stop the kid from coming back to the game and scoring 8 of his 18 points in the fourth quarter to lead Indy to a road victory in L.A.

Said Hibbert: "Kobe spun baseline, I jumped straight up and he inadvertently elbowed me in the face. It didn't hurt that much. I couldn't get it fixed up because they didn't have a doctor here to put it back in place, but I went back here and got an X-ray done.

"They didn't want me to come back out, but I told them I'm going to no matter what. So if I got hit again, that's fine. I could always get cosmetic surgery at the end of the season to fix it. I'm a tough player, and I just wanted to play through it and make sure we got this win. This game was really important to us. I just wanted to make sure I found open shooters and cutters and score whenever I could."

In the end, Hibbert (18 points, 9-for-13, 8 boards, 4 assists, +18) outplayed Andrew Bynum (16 points, 6-for-12, 8 rebounds, 1 assist, +6), again putting a damper on Chris Webber's and Shaq's pronouncements that Andy is the league's best center. Pau Gasol wimped out (8 points on 4-for-12 from the field) and Kobe continued shooting the hell out of the basketball (14-for-30) to no avail.

At the end of the night, the Lakers scored only 96 points on 41 percent shooting, which included going 2-for-9 on threes. They also bricked 11 free throws. Kind of meaningful in a two-point loss, right?

As the AP recap pointed out, the Lakers "have failed to reach 100 points for the 11th straight game -- their longest streak since a 12-game stretch in 2003-04."

Said Kobe: "We're really not shooting the ball well. We have to start knocking down some of those shots. The opposition is shooting the ball much better than we are, especially from 3. After the first quarter, we opened the floodgates and just let them score at will. Then you compound that with the fact that we're having a tough time scoring."

Added Lakers coach Mike Brown: "We've got to give Indiana credit because they outworked us. It's too bad, because we came out and played great defense. But then the last three quarters, we didn't play with a sense of urgency. We thought Indiana would fold to a certain degree, and we kind of went through the motions. This game was tough to swallow."

You...you thought the Pacers would fold? That was your game plan, Mike?


Former Lakers assistant and current Pacers assistant can see some problems with L.A.'s offense. They're pretty obvious and, actually, it's not about how many shots Kobe is taking. It's about where other guys' shots are coming from: "I did notice that [Pau's] out on the floor a lot more, a lot further away from the basket. So that kind of neutralizes him. Those two big guys [Gasol and Andrew Bynum], that's always been the strength of this team. You want your biggest guys close to the basket."

No kidding.

Added Gasol: "I would like to get a little more inside, myself. I always like to have different looks and be able to attack from different angles. The second half I didn't have one chance to attack from the post, so I was more of a facilitator. I got two jumpers, open, that I missed, and that was all the opportunities that I had. A little too many jumpers for my taste. I'd like to get a couple more looks inside the paint. That'll increase the [shooting] percentage."

Mike Brown strikes again.

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Celtics-Generals: Greg Stiemsma fouled once after making contact with a Piranha Plant in 47 seconds, earning a Mario, +1, AND a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! Sasha Pavlovic found a pot of gold worth 3.7 trillion (3:43).

Craptors-Clippers: Amir Johnson wheeled his way into the ledger by countering a board and free throw in 7:06 with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Courtney Fortson gave Lob City a brick from the First Interstate Tower in 6:06 and added on three lost rocks and a foul for a +5, while Travis Leslie spun one foul in 2:45 for a +1.

Bobcats-Nyets: Larry Owens turned on his Super Nintendo for just 12 seconds before powering off on a Mario!

Bucks-El (Oh El) Heat: Eddy Curry chomped down two fouls and a delicious baked turnover in 5:45, negating a board to give South Beach a 3:1 Voskuhl!!!!!

Labels: Worst of the Night

Sorry I got this posted a little later than usual. My Clark Kent job was a little stressful this week and I haven't gotten enough sleep because I am an idiot and am good at misjudging priorities and...


Oh, okay. Sorry.

Worst of the Night in Pictures


Nationally Televised Friday Games:

Lakers at Magic, ESPN, 8:00pm: The Lakers are 1-5 on the road this season. Where have you gone, Phil Jackson? Laker nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Timberwolves at Clippers, 10:30pm: The Clippers are looking to win their eight consecutive home game. Did Biff steal the DeLorean again and we are in some crazy alternate timeline like Back to the Future 2?

All The Other Friday Games:

Hawks at 76ers, 7:00pm: The Al Horford-les Hawks' wounded tiger phenomenon gets put to the test. But it's still the Hawks so I can't get too excited or interested even if they are a good team.

Nuggets at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: Okay, it's the Generals. They're fresh off a win. Only two things can happen here. Either they show up motivated, or they show up lethargic as a tree sloth.

Trail Blazers at Craptors, 7:00pm: No Bargnani again for the Craptors. Prepare the rollerskating fail video!

Suns at Celtics, 7:30pm: Rondo is day-to-day with a sore wrist. Please please please let him play just so we are treated to a Rajon Rondo/Steve Nash matchup. That's all I ask as a fan of the point guard position.

Bulls at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Speaking of injuries, Derrick Rose is still plagued with a case of turf toe. ARGH. Is ANYONE in this league healthy?

Grizzlies at Pistons, 7:30pm: You know, the Grizzlies have gone 6-3 since losing Z-Bo a couple weeks ago. Wasn't he responsible for a lot of their quality play last year, much to our genuine surprise? So what's going on now? Any Grizz fans out there who can fill us in?

Bucks at Knicks, 7:30pm: The Deer in Headlights have suspended Stephen Jackson one game for what they are describing as an “unexcused absence” from the team's morning shootaround. I dunno about that. Not being around the rest of the team's bad offense might be a good thing for him.

Kings at Spurs, 8:30pm: The Purple Paupers are a dreadful road team and are starting a 4-game-in-6-nights stretch. Abandon all hope for an entertaining game.

Pacers at Warriors, 10:30pm: Just to point out something from the Pacers' loss to the aforementioned Excremento: they were shut down in the 4th quarter by a zone defense. Why did it take so long for anyone to figure this out? The Pacers' shooting percentage has been pretty dreadful all season, and they're currently 27th in the league in that stat (though they are 7th in 3 point shooting percentage). Wouldn't it stand to reason that going zone and forcing Indiana to take more jumpers would likely be effective? I am far from a good basketball mind, so please correct me if I'm wrong in this line of thinking.


Nationally Televised Saturday Games:

Nuggets at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: To recap: the Knicks are coached by offensive-minded Mike D'Antoni and their roster includes Melo, Amar'e, and Tyson Chandler. Why can't they score any points??

All The Other Saturday Games:

Cavaliers at Hawks, 7:00pm: Cleveland gets to play the Hawks right after playing the Bulls, then they get to go Tuesday and play a game in Miami and Wednesday in New York. That's it. The lockout shortened schedule is officially bawful.

Trail Blazers at Pistons, 7:30pm: You know, you have to give the Pissed-Ons credit. They are dead last in points per game AND rebounds per game. It takes a certain kind of ineptitude to pull that one off.

76ers at Heat, 7:30pm: I know, small sample size and everything, but just an interesting stat. As of right now, the Sixers' SRS stat according to basketball-reference.com (rating that takes into account average point differential and strength of schedule) is even higher than their '67 and '83 championship teams. Their Defensive Rating is 93.3 -- the lowest in team history. That's pretty impressive, even if it's only over a 14 game span.

Mavericks at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Mavs will be playing without Vince Carter for a third straight game. Addition by subtraction?

Bobcraps at Bulls, 8:00pm: Want to see tons and tons of mediocre to sad statistics? Take some time to read through the Bobkittens' page on Basketball Reference. And remember that the best player in NBA history runs this team.

Spurs at Rockets, 8:00pm: A random stat I enjoyed: the Spurs' worst win/loss percentage under Gregg Popovich is .610 -- no wonder there's talk about him being in consideration for the Olympic team by people like LeBron James. He's like the anti

Thunder at Nyets, 8:00pm: The Thunder are fresh off a loss to the Generals. The GENERALS. If the don't come out looking for blood in this game, I will have lost all faith in humanity.

Kings at Grizzlies, 8:00pm: I saw this on Twitter earlier today (I THINK JE Skeets retweeted it, can't remember for certain unfortunately). One of the worst basketball cards of all time, featuring Big Country Bryant Reeves.

Timberwolves at Jazz, 9:00pm: The Timberwolves are 27th in the league in assists per game despite having Ricky Rubio on their roster averaging 8 dimes a game. So what happens to the ball when it's not in his hands? (looks at roster) Oh. Yeah, I forgot. They're still the Timberwolves. A new and improved Timberwolves, but still the Timberwolves.


Nationally Televised Sunday Games:

Celtics at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 1:00pm: Why do the Generals keep making it on national TV? Are there people getting confused and thinking they're airing Harlem Globetrotters games? Should I start watching these games while looping that sweet Globetrotters song?


All The Other Sunday Games:

Craptors at Clippers, 3:30pm: Basketbawful reader Cznerobog chimed in with the following zinger I have to share: "The Clippers will be in the finals. Source: Maian Calendar."

Bucks at Heat, 6:00pm: This year's Milwaukee squad has the 7th worst SRS rating in team history. Just thought you might like to know that.

Bobcraps at Nyets, 6:00pm: Well, I can pretty safely say this game won't be worth watching. So to spare you the pain, I'll recommend a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode to watch instead. How about the classic The Pumaman? It features Aztecs, sensible slacks, and Donald Pleasance. Here's a couple minutes of highlight if you aren't familiar with it.


Pacers at Lakers, 9:30pm: Okay, this might actually be a good way to end the hoops weekend.

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Sometimes things end too soon. Far too soon.
Personal anguish: NO! NO! GOD IN HEAVEN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I could not have possibly said it any better than Basketbawful reader Joe did in yesterday's WotN comments: "If anyone needs me I'll be at home lying face down on the floor with only the occasional wracking sob to indicate that I'm still alive."

Day ruined. Week ruined. Month and year ruined. Life ruined. By bad knees.

Said past, present, and future Basketbawful mascot Greg Ostertag: "They've been bugging me since I came back (in late December), but I could barely move (after Reno). I felt good there and I played good. I get out there and sometimes I do get loose, but usually the 'don'ts' are longer than the 'dos.' It sucks, but I knew going into this what could happen.

"I regret quitting when I did. At that time, it wasn't so much playing. I was tired of everything that goes along with it, like the travel, not being able to fall asleep before 4 or 5 in the morning. I was tired of all that, but I should have kept going for a couple more years.

"I hope people understand that this was not a publicity stunt. I genuinely wanted to play basketball. The first couple weeks, I thought I was playing decent, but I just wasn't in shape. I was starting to get in shape -- as far as conditioning I felt as good as I've felt (Wednesday night against Tulsa) -- but I just can't move the way I need to. These guys are young and fast. Some of them were just getting out of diapers when I came into the league.

"My mind was going a million miles an hour. I just realized it was time to hang 'em up for good."

Saddest day ever.

The Los Angeles Lakers: This may have been the signature play of the game:


Or maybe it was this one:


Or this one:


Or...well...you get the idea:


The stat of the game? I suppose it could have been Kobe's 8-for-21 shooting performance or L.A. going 6-for-20 from downtown. But to me, it was the fact that Darius Morris logged 18 minutes for the Lakers. And that's after the near whitewash they have coming off the bench (Jason Kapono, Josh McRoberts, Troy Murphy).

Ugh.

Another fun stat from the AP recap: "Bryant had as many field goals in the opening 24 minutes (one, on eight shots) as Heat forward Eddy Curry (1 for 1), who got his first NBA action since December 2009 when he checked in late in the first quarter for a 2½-minute stint in which he made a basket, grabbed a rebound, was charged with a turnover and got a pair of loud ovations from a sellout crowd."

Andew Bynum (15 points, 6-for-13, 12 boards, -4) is supposed to be the first or second-best center in the league, depending on who you ask, but he wasn't more effective than Miami's Joel "Punchline" Anthony (7 points, 3-for-5, 7 rebounds, +14).

Despite Kobe's recent throwback string of 40-point games, are the Lakers a championship team? It sure didn't look like it last night.

But maybe they just weren't aggressive enough.

Said L.A. coach Mike Brown: "They were the aggressors on both ends of the floor until the last few minutes of the game. We were aggressive the last six, seven minutes. You can't go over a 48-minute game against a team like this and allow them to be the aggressor for most of the night."

Of course, Kobe has other ideas...

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "We might want to go back to some of the things that we were doing a few weeks ago in terms of me being on some spots on the floor and things where I'm most comfortable."

Translation: We're better when I'm scoring 40 points. GIVE ME THE BAAAAALLLLLLL.

Mike Brown, quote machine: "I had a great time coaching LeBron. I wouldn't be in this suit if it wasn't for him."

And he might still be in a Cleveland uniform if not for you, Mike.

Eddy Curry, quote machine: "Felt great. I didn't know what to expect. I've been working hard for this moment. This is only the beginning."

Josh McRoberts: He's like a zero calorie version of Bill Laimbeer.


The Houston Rockets: No. No, I do not care if they won. The Rockets were guilty of some of the bawfulest ball the modern world will ever know.

As Basketbawful reader Silvio put it: "Rockets scored 8 pts in 15 minutes, Q4 + first 3 minutes of OT. After Houston scored 58 in 1st half, they simply stopped playing, in those 15 min they went from +12 to -5. They played like they're actually payed to lose ... more precise, they looked like this seasons' Washington Generals."

The New Orleans Hornets: Silvio continues: "Still Rockets won in the end (7-0 in last 2 minutes of OT) . Sorry, Hornets lost again - there was no winner today, it just happened that one of teams was more determined to lose. Hornets. Again. Last 5 possessions: Jason Smith turnover, Jarett Jack missed three, Jarett Jack shot blocked, Jarett Jack turnover, Belinelli missed shot. Guess Hornets are still in quest for 'better basketball plays.' Good luck with that."

Monty Williams, quote machine: "I always tell them, 'Give the fight and do your best. We did everything we could to win the game."

Dude. Your team shot 39 percent from the field. Everything?

Luis Scola, truth machine: "We weren't executing the right way. They came back, and that's what happens when you don't play good."

Jason Smith, hope machine: "I'm only taking positives from this game. We played hard and that's what we have to do every game to give ourselves a chance to win."

All Jefferson, quote machine: "It's for sure we got fight. We got to get that reputation around the league that we're not going to be pushed around. We're going to fight to the end. Dallas may have won the game, but they know they were in a fight."

Chippiness: Settle down, ladies.


Shaq, clownin' machine: To the video:


Chris' Lacktion Report:

Lakers-Heat: Josh McRoberts muddied two boards and assists in 12:49 with a brick, two turnovers, and two fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl, while Andrew Goudelock spent 52 seconds at GameStop for a Mario.

Hornets-Rockets: Gustavo Ayon stung his way to the ledger by a foul in 2:24 for a +1 and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Houston's Jeff Adrien can now afford a lavish, expensive party for Clutch the Bear after gathering up a 3.75 trillion (3:46)!

Mavs-Jazz: Brian Cardinal wiped the floor with one foul in 146 seconds for a +1.

Labels: Worst of the Night