Kevin McHale's transformation into Frankenstein's Monster is nearly complete

Birdman wanted to make a defensive play on the ball, but he was too weighed down by all that tattoo ink

Wow, SVG isn't very discrete about dropping a stinkbomb on the first couple rows of the crowd

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Happy New Year, man love

I think we're gonna see a lot of sad Spurs benches this season...
The Excremento Kings: The Purple Paupers -- the youngest team in the league in case nobody told you -- managed to hang around because the Bulls couldn't hang onto the ball (18 turnovers for 23 points going the other way) or defend without fouling (the Kings got 34 free throw attempts).

Unfortunately, the Sactowners couldn't knock down their freebies (20-for-34) or protect the painted rectangle. The Bulls scored 33 fast break points and finished with 54 points in the paint. According to Hoopdata, Chicago was 19-for-24 at the rim (79.2 percent) and 8-for-14 from 3-9 feet (57.2 percent).

Can you say "layup drill"?

Said Kings coach Paul Westfail: "We defended them pretty well, but we can't defend breakaway layups. We have guys crashing the boards, where we have no business doing, and we had guys not rotating back and trying to get steals in the backcourt. The Bulls can run, everybody knew that. If you want to win games, don't give them layups. Make them run their offense."

Bonus bawful stat: The Paupers bricked 12 of their first 13 shot attempts.

Carlos Boozer: On a night when the Bulls had a red carpet escort directly to the hoop, Boozington attempted exactly two shots at the rim. Remember: He's an "inside" player. Meanwhile, he was 1-for-5 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-5 from 16-23 feet. I'm just sayin'.

Jimmer Fredette: Oh my God...this kid is a straight up gunner. He somehow finished with a team-high 3 assists, but I think those were times he lost the ball by mistake. At one point, he drove straight into four Bulls defenders...AND HE SHOT THE BALL. I feel sorry for any woman who dates him, 'cause this man only has eyes for the rim. Even Antoine Walker is kind of embarrassed for him.

The San Antonio Spurs: The old guys were gassed last night, which was their third game in a four-day span, and it showed: 37 percent from the field, 2-for-17 from downtown, and a deficit as large as 25 points. Timmy D went 1-for-8 before getting the second half off. Richard Jefferson was 2-for-10. None of the starters logged a single fourth quarter minute.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We were not playing well and I decided not to play them, and I was able to work other guys and get some other looks."

Added Manu Ginobili: "We were below where we want to be. In a season like this, we will have to wait and see if this might happen more often. You have to let it go and think about the next game."

If the Spurs weren't already finished, this lockout-shortened season will do it.

I mean, you wanna talk about not having any legs? They were 24-for-35 at the rim, but they were 4-for-17 from 3-9 feet, 2-for-12 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-12 from 16-23 feet. And 2-for-17 from three, as I already pointed out.

Tim Duncan: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Spurs were outscored by 28 points with Tim Duncan on the floor on Thursday night. His -28 is the third-worst plus-minus he's had in any regular-season game in his career, surpassed by a pair of -29 games against the Lakers (in the 2003-04 and 2010-11 seasons)."

The New Jersey Nyets: I loved this blurb from the AP recap: "In an effort to get off to better starts, the Nets adjusted their starting lineup by inserting Sundiata Gaines and Mehmet Okur in place of Anthony Morrow and Johan Petro. It didn't help." Nor did th fact that Brook Lopez was out with a broken foot.

Dwight Howard had his way (16 points, 7-for-9, 24 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) and the Nyets couldn't have found the rim with a GPS and an army of blood hounds specifically trained to locate the basket. New Jersey shot 37 percent from the field and 6-for-17 from downtown. They gave up 25 points off 15 turnovers and got outscored 42-26 in the paint. And the Magic ran away with the game despite bricking 12 free throws and shooting only 44 percent themselves.

Deron Williams: Remember a while back when Deron said he was the best point guard in the league? Next thing you know, he was running Jerry Sloan out of Utah, getting traded to the Nyets, and now he's tossing up garbage for field goal attempts. On Tuesday, Williams went 3-for-11 against the Hawks, and last night he shot 2-for-12 against the Magic. He's shooting 28 percent from the field and averaging only 5.7 assists. His PER is 10.50.

Well, he wanted out of Sloan's rigid offensive system. And that's what he got. Congrats, D-Will.

Said Williams: "It is definitely frustrating. I am not playing well right now and the team is not playing too well right now. It is not time to panic. We are going to have a little bit of struggles just because everybody is learning."

Uh, shouldn't you have learned to shoot by now, Deron?

The Dallas Mavericks: All Cuban's Cowboys had to do to avoid falling to 0-3 on the season was play 1.4 seconds of defense. And...


...fail.

The Nuggest and Blazers: Pretty decent game. Both teams made some mistakes. Portland shot well (52 percent) and dominated the boards (50-30), but they gaveup 29 points off 25 turnovers to keep Denver in the game. Meanwhile, the Nuggets racked up 28 fast break points and scored 54 points in the paint while committing only 7 turnovers, but they shot like crap (40 percent) and didn't have many of their three-point prayers answered (4-for-20).

In a battle of good shooting and shitty shooting, the good shooting usually wins.

The New York Bricks: When an "all offense, no defense" team has no offense...bad things happen.

Except for 'Melo (27 points, 8-for-14, 9-for-10 from the line), the other New York players lost control of the section of their brains that control shooting basketballs. As a team, Brick City hit only 31 percent of their field goals, finishing with only 6 fast break points and got outscored 44-26 in the paint.

New York was 0-for-7 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-4 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-16 from 16-23 feet, and 6-for-22 on threes.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "The Lakers are good, and we're awful. We didn't play well. We can't make shots. We started off really well. I thought the pace was good, the rhythm was good, and then it just went downhill from there."

Added 'Melo: "This game is about acting, and right now we're reacting. We just need to get out there and play ball."

Uh, no, you need to get out there and play defense.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I enjoy going against Melo, because I always win."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Kobe be lying. Kobe ain't hurt. I know him."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Magic: Justin Harper conjured a decent exact (90 seconds) 1.5 trillion payday - his second gathering of riches this season!

Bulls-Purple Paupers: Donte Greene (despite a 100% shooting percentage on one attempt) at 25 seconds and Isaiah Thomas (disregarding an assist) in 24 seconds were the Mario Brothers of the night, while Travis Outlaw bricked once from the Crocker Museum for a +1 suck differential in 8:36!

Nuggets-Blazers: Timofey Mozgov panned an board in 10:46, only to foul thricely and lose the rock once for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Corey Brewer had 32 seconds to hunt for gold coins in a Mario.

Knicks-Lakers: Jerome Jordan aired out a payday of 1.65 trillion (100 seconds) for the Dolan family, while Luke Walton nearly equalled his dad's endorsement money with his second capital gain so far, 2.1 trillion (128 seconds). Fellow Laker Andrew Goudelock fouled once in 100 seconds for a +1.

Labels: Deron Williams, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Yes we missed a couple WOTN posts already. But we aren't mailing it in like we're tanking for a lottery pick. Life happens, especially this time of year. Bawful told me earlier today he was disappointed he didn't get a chance the past couple days to get any WOTN posts written. So don't worry, there's plenty of bad basketball to be made fun of this season, and we're planning on recapping as best as we can.

To make it up to you, here's some news: Michael Jordan's getting married! Again! Next time he's in Vegas, he's betting the Under on how many years it lasts.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Thunder, TNT, 8:00pm: The Mavs could become the first defending champs to start the season 0-and-3 since the 1969-1970 Celtics. I'm going to irrationally place absolutely all of the blame on Vince Carter and Lamar Odom. Is that cool with everyone? Okay, good.

As for the Thunder, all the talk today has been about the flare-up between Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook during last night's game. KD tried to sweep things under the rug: "We're going to disagree sometimes, like I've always been saying. But I'm behind him 110 percent, and he's the same way with me. And you seen when we came on the floor we clicked and everything started to work from there." Uh, KD, Westbrook went 0-for-13 from the field in the game. I don't think "everything started to work..."


Knicks at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: The battle of the losers of the Chris Paul Sweepstakes!

All The Other Games:
Nyets at Magic, 7:00pm: I can hardly contain my excitement for the staggering battle of the big men in this game. Dwight Howard versus Johan Petro!!!

Spurs at Rockets, 8:00pm: Game #2 in Daryl Morey's Kevin McHale Coaching Experiment, and they're well rested while catching the Spurs on the second night of a back-to-back. This might be a legitimately interesting matchup. Then again, Kevin McHale coaching... I make no promises.

Nuggets at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: ESPN's John Buccigross would like to remind us of this unexpected statistic: "Denver is 19-7 in the regular season since trading Carmelo Anthony, 3rd best record in the NBA (only Thunder and Bulls have been better)" I haven't seen very many Nuggets games since then (since I am in bed by 11pm Eastern, I don't catch many Western Conference team games unfortunately). However, that seems like a number that's due for a regression to the mean sometime soon, right?

Bulls at Kings, 10:00pm: Boogie Cousins has only one thing to say:

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Lots of games tonight, but the matchups aren't as compelling as what we saw the first couple nights of the season. Glad to see we're already back in midseason form, NBA! It is, after all, damn near the midseason... *cough*

Worst of the Night in Pictures:





Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Grizzlies, NBA TV, 8:00pm: Here's an interesting stat for you: "The Thunder have lost five of their last six at Memphis, with the three-OT game the lone victory." And yet on the same ESPN.com page, they have 97.8% of fans picking the Thunder and only 2.2% picking the Grizzlies in their Streak for the Cash game. Folks, this is why casinos make money. Note that I am not gambling on this game, or any game, because I will lose no matter which side I pick, but still.

Knicks at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Can you believe the Knicks haven't started the season 2-0 since 1999? (Who am I kidding? OF COURSE you can believe that.)

All The Other Games:
Pacers at Craptors, 7:00pm: Bad blood? The last time these teams played, the Pacers were upset that Leandro Barbosa tried to score with six seconds left instead of dribbling out the clock. Danny Granger said he would have flagrantly fouled Barbosa if he was guarding him, and "Stuff like that will sit in the back of your head the next time we play Toronto." So I look forward to absolutely nothing of interest happening in this game.

Heat at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: Fun fact: the Bobcraps have started the season 2-0 just once in franchise history. Pretty sure that stat will continue to hold true after tonight.

Wizards Generals at Hawks, 7:30pm: Washington has all kinds of in-fighting stemming from displeasure with teammates, coaching styles, and all kinds of crap. And we are just one game into the season! I may have to watch this one -- and all Generals games in the next couple weeks -- using the free NBA League Pass Broadband trial just in case we have a full team brawl. (Any John Wall alley-oops are just icing on the cake)

Cadavers at Pistons, 7:30pm: If the arena music isn't just an endless Sad Trombone loop, there is no justice in the world.

Celtics at Hornets, 8:00pm: The Celtics can't possibly start 0-3, can they? (looks around nervously) Paul Pierce isn't in the lineup again... Oh hell.

Clippers at Spurs, 8:30pm: As best as I can tell, the Clippers haven't won a game in San Antonio since January 31st 2002. Michael Olowokandi was the leading scorer for the Clippers in that game. I... need to sit down for a minute.

Jazz at Nuggets, 9:00pm: While I'm feeling nostalgic... does anyone else still completely discombobulated for a couple moments every time you look at the Jazz sideline and don't see Jerry Sloan? They should pay him stand there even if he isn't coaching.

76ers at Suns, 9:00pm: I know it's only one game, but it's nice to see Robin Lopez finally show up and put up some decent numbers. We could all use more of the Lopez twins in our lives, couldn't we?

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Mike Brown: Lakers coach. Don't pinch me. I wanna keep dreaming.
The Chicago Bulls: It went from Christmas cookie to Black Monday for the Bulls. Other than Luol Deng (22 points, 10-for-15, 10 boards), everybody played like leftover turkey. Stephen Curry locked down Derrick Rose (13 points, 4-for-17, 1-for-8 on threes including one airball). Carlos Boozer (6 points, 3-for-7) and Rip Hamilton (10 points, 5-for-12) spent the fourth quarter handing out Gatorade during timeouts. C.J. Watson got picked clean by Kwame Brown.

Yeah.

The Bulls gave up 22 points off 20 turnovers and the Warriors racked up 16 steals and 20 fast break points. Chicago got outscored 42-32 in the paint and gave up 31 free throw attempts. On the bright side, Mark Jackson got the first win of his coaching career. Speaking of which...

...Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls: You're BETTER than that.

The Cleveland Cadavers: Does the city of Cleveland even know the lockout is over? Do they wish it wasn't? Probably. Last night, the Cadavers were led by Ramon Sessions (18 points, 6 assists, 4 rebounds) while number one overall pick Kyrie Irving finished with 6 points on 2-for-12 shooting. And, as the AP recap pointed out, half of those points came off a "meaningless three-pointer in the final minute."

Oy.

Said Irving: "I was a little bit too tentative out there and thinking about my shot. I have to push through it mentally and physically."

Alonzo Gee: Damn. Not only did this dunk almost kill him...it was waved off 'cause he travled.


The Detroit Pistons: Freed of the cancer that was Rip Hamilton...Detroit went on to set a franchise record for scoring futility.

From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Pistons 79 points scored are the fewest scored in a season opener in franchise history in the shot clock era (since 1954-55 season). Previous record was 81 points in 1992."

Ouch. That explains why the Pacers were able to blow them out despite shooting 36.8 percent from the field.

Said Detroit coach Lawrence Frank: "We just have to play a whole lot more together game. More ball movement, more working to get rhythm shots. It just shows you where we're at right now. We've got a lot of work to do."

Added Rodney Stuckey: "Now we know what we've got to do. We've got to stop complaining, we've got to rebound the basketball, we've got to play harder. That's it."

Huh. Maybe I don't know anything about this earth "basketball," but it seems to me a team with a starting five of Tayshaun Prince, Jonas Jerebko, Greg Monroe, Ben Gordon and Rodney Stuckey needs more than better rebounding and less complaining.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine: Regarding Indy's win over his team: "It's one game. What's the big boulevard down here? I don't know if there's going to be a parade this year. They're a good team, it's one game, they outplayed us tonight."

The Houston Rockets: When are Daryl Morey's revolutionary moneyball concepts going to turn the Rockets into anything more than a mildly interesting overachiever mired in mediocrity? No, really. When?

Every Houston loss always feels about the same. Scrappy. Hangs in there. Gets beat.

Said Rockets coach Kevin McHale: "Mentally, we're asking them to do a lot of different things with new coverages and a lot of different things with new calls and stuff like that. Some of that was blown. Overall, I think this team will play hard. I think we're feisty. I think when [Samuel Dalembert] gets in shape he'll help us out a great deal."

If Houston's hopes are riding on Sammy Dalembert getting in shape...

...they are so thoroughly fucked.

The Washington Wizards Generals: They held the Nyets to 39 percent shooting but got raped on the boards (58-39) and choked away a 25 point lead in a 90-84 home court loss. And, because these are the Generals we're talking about, there just had to be some post-game drama (via the AP recap):

Afterward, there was a bit of drama in the Wizards' locker room, where power forward Andray Blatche -- who opened a pregame speech to the home crowd by saying, "This is your captain, Andray Blatche" -- voiced displeasure with the play-calling and said he should get the ball down low more than out on the wings. He then repeated that complaint on Twitter.

All it took was one regular-season game for the in-fighting to start in Washington.

"Is it trust? Or is it, 'I think that I can make a play to get us going again,' and you try to do it individually? In our league, you can't do it, unless you're one of the elite players," coach Flip Saunders said. "We don't have anyone that's at that elite status right now."

When a reporter relayed the gist of what Saunders said, Blatche responded: "He probably was talking about me, because for the simple fact that I said that I need the ball in the paint to be effective."

"You can't keep having me pick-and-pop and shooting jump shots. Give me the ball in the paint. That's where I'm most effective at. I've been saying that since training camp: I need the ball in the paint. I don't want to be the pick-and-pop guy that I used to be. It's not working for me," continued Blatche, who shot 5 for 13, scored 11 points and was called for a technical foul. "I'm not saying the offense has to run through me, but I prefer to be in the paint."

He shook his head. He stared at the carpet. He shrugged his shoulders. And then he sat in front of his locker, in full uniform, for a good half-hour after the game had ended.

Blatche offered a simple analysis of how Washington went from being ahead 37-16 in the second quarter to trailing in the third.

"Our blessing was our curse," Blatche said. "Getting up by 20 so early and so easy was a curse for us, because then guys started to get relaxed, and then we all wanted to start to play 1-on-1 basketball."

Which, as Wall explained, isn't something that generally will work in Washington's favor.

"We have nobody on our team that's THAT great," Wall said, echoing his coach.

Yep. After one game.

Bucks versus Bobcats: Milwaukee started Mike Dunleavy Jr. Charlottte started Corey Maggette. Dear God. I cannot care about this game.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: On the one hand, the T-Wolves have assembled some talent: Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Ricky Rubio, Derrick Williams, J.J. Barea, Anthony Randolph. On the other hand, they're still starting Darko Milicic and Luke Ridnour. And they managed to lose at home to a Thunder team playing on the second night of back-to-backs despite outscoring them 60-36 in the paint and forcing 17 turnovers.

Of course, this is, after all, a team that as the AP recap pointed out has "lost 132 games over the previous two seasons and hasn't been to the playoffs since 2004."

Bonus bawful from ESPN Stats and Information: "The Thunder have won 10 straight vs the Timberwolves. The last time the Thunder/Sonics franchise won 10 straight against one franchise was from November 1999 to January 2003 when they had a 14-game win streak against the Warriors."

Ever notice how stats like these always involve teams like the Timberwolves, Clippers, Warriors...

Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks, quote machine: On Ricky Rubio's debut: "I've been hearing about him for six years and I saw him for the first time 30 minutes (ago) and it was like he is real. Like a folk hero."

The Dallas Mavericks: Yikes. This is gettin' ugly.

From the AP recap:

The reigning champions have quickly become a team everyone wants to play. There's no telling which is worse right now, their offense or defense, their conditioning or chemistry, as they were drubbed for a second straight game, losing 115-93 to the Nuggets on Monday night.

Dallas gave up 20 straight points in the second quarter and had a stretch of 14 straight missed shots during a 9:52 drought between baskets. It was so bad that their player of the game, Sean Williams, threw up when he left the court.

Williams, the 13th and final guy off the bench, was so gassed from scoring 12 points in 11 energetic minutes that he vomited in front of the team's bench. Teammates and owner Mark Cuban laughed, and fans in the area gave a light-hearted standing ovation while an usher mopped up the mess.

...

The Mavs trailed by 33 in the third quarter, a day after being down by 35 in the third quarter against Miami. Counting a pair of preseason games against Oklahoma City, Dallas has been behind by at least 23 points in every game since being crowned champs.

Like I said yesterday, see what happens when Mark Cuban starts getting stingy?

Said Dirk Nowitzki: "We look old and slow and out of shape -- a bad combination. I still think this team has a lot of potential. But we have to turn the corner."

Added Shawn Marion: "We're not comfortable with each other on both ends of the floor. We're trying to get acclimated and you can tell it's not flowing the way it should be and there's going to be some bumps."

Concluded coach Rick Carlisle: "We're going to recharge tomorrow, have a hell of a practice on Wednesday and then we've got to go up to Oklahoma City and we're going to have to play a lot better. I've got a lot of work to do."

The way I see it, Dallas is only about 11 trades from getting right back into champioship contention. No problem.

Lamar Odom: 6 points on 1-for-10 shooting. Good trade. Gooooood trade.

Sean Williams: The Mavs are so bad it made poor Williams throw up in his own mouth:


Said Williams: "It was awkward, man, pretty awkward. It's never happened to me before -- not ever, even in a practice."

The Memphis Grizzlies: Glancing at the box score, I see Z-Bo's line -- 10 points, 3-for-8, 6 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 1 assist -- and I think about that contract extension he signed at the end of last season. And, you know, I don't think the Grizzlies are going to be the scappy overachievers they were last year.

Of course, it didn't help they gave up 28 points off 25 turnovers.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "We didn't play very well. We did turn the ball over alot, but we didn't guard. We didn't guard them in the pick in roll. We gave up transition points. It was not a very well-played game by us at all."

Manu Ginobili, quote machine: "Zach was off. He didn't have one of these games in the playoffs. That happens the first game of the season. We all need time to get back in shape. "

The Phoenix Suns: Dear God. I don't ask for much. But please let Steve Nash get traded to a contender. Thank you.

The Los Angeles Lakers: All I can say is: The Mike Brown era has begun.

Okay, okay. I can also say this: The Kings beat the Lakers for the first time in more than three years.

L.A. went 1-for-16 from downtown, gave up 19 fast break points, and trailed by as many as 15.

They're STARTING Josh McRoberts and Devin Ebanks. Troy Murphy played 24 minutes.

And, yeah, they'll probably be better when Andy Bynum is back in action.

But still: happy face.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "It's not a rivalry. We beat them every year. Oh my God. I don't care if they beat us tonight. I like (Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof). I hope they enjoy this."

Chris' Lacktion Ledger:

Nyets-Generals: New Jersey's DeShawn Stevenson was severely curtailed in his hunt for Goombas, only getting 12 seconds of court time in a Mario.

Bucks-Bobcats: Jon Leuer had a 78 second moment of lacktivity that raked in 1.3 trillion.

For Charlotte, Bismack Biyombo lost the rock once in 6:08 for a +1 suck differential.

Rockets-Magic: Marcus Morris lived out his dream of hardly working by bricking twice from Thornton Park in 4:20 and adding two fouls for a +4.

Orlando's J. Harper gathered up a payout of 1.4 trillion (86 seconds).

Thunder-Wolves: Oklahoma City's Nazr Mohammed countered a field goal and two boards in 15:10 with four fouls and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Spurs: Brian Skinner bricked once and took a foul in 4:22 for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Lakers-Kings: Donte Greene had half a minute of 1Ups in a celebratory Mario!

Sixers-Blazers: In the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1977 Finals, Chris Johnson collected a brick and foul in 110 seconds for a +2 that doubled as a celebratory 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bulls-Warriors: Omer Asik had a loveable three-foul, one-rejection, one-brick line tonight for a +5 in 9:59 that doubled as a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For East Oakland's ballers, Ishmael Smith tossed two pieces of masonry and added on a brick in 4:16 for a +3 that also counted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Labels: Worst of the Night

The "Christmas hangover" day -- lots of games, but nobody really cares that much. Well, here goes nothing anyway.

Nationally Televised Games:
Rockets at Magic, NBA TV, 7:00pm: Who's ready for some Magic basketball??? (crickets) Meanwhile, the Rockets have a middling roster and Kevin McHale is their new head coach. The hell? What's Daryl Morey planning? You know he's up to something and is just playing the rope-a-dope strategy right now. Right?

Lakers at Kings, NBA TV, 10:00pm: Anyone else expecting the Kings to maybe, just maybe, not be horrible this year? Tyreke Evans, a slimmer and more experienced DeMarcus Cousins, Marcus Thornton, Jimmer Fredette, and the always underrated Chuck Hayes has already been declared captain despite just recently joining the team after a health scare.

All The Other Games:
Craptors at Cavaliers, 7:00pm: I'm just going to quote the STATS LLC game preview here, because they say all that needs to be said:

Eight years after Cleveland picked LeBron James first overall in the draft and 17 months removed from James' infamous "Decision," there is hope Kyrie Irving may be the piece the Cavaliers can rebuild around.
...
The wild card could be Andrea Bargnani, who is being shifted from center to forward in hopes of improving his rebounding. The Italian 7-footer averaged a career-best 21.4 points last season, but only 5.2 rebounds.

Pistons at Pacers, 7:00pm: Remember the way the Pacers finished out last season being semi-competitive and even making the playoffs slightly interesting? They've added David West and George Hill to the mix. I'm betting they're going to be one of those teams that gets described as "frisky" on a regular basis. You know, just good enough to piss you off if you're a fan of whatever team is playing the Pacers each night.

On the other side of this game, it's still so cold in the D. Here's Detroit's starting lineup for tonight's game: Stuckey, Gordon, Prince, Monroe, Jerebko.

Nyets at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: Is this still a thing? Is Washington still terrible enough to be considered a professional loser? Will the Nyets feel motivated by their owner's foray into Russian politics? Stay tuned!

Bucks at Bobcraps, 7:00pm: I would just like to take a moment to remind everyone that the Bobcraps are placing their hopes and dreams in the hands of Corey Maggette. Lemme know how that works out for you, Charlotte. Also, I'm just gonna leave this here... "Stephen Jackson admits he checked out after the Bobcats traded Gerald Wallace."

Thunder at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: Minnesota's added some pieces to help Kevin Love since last year: Ricky Rubio (finally), Derrick Williams, and J.J. Barea, plus new coach Rick Adelman. I'm not expecting miracles, but there's a chance they might not be dogshit for a change this year. Of course they'll still lose this game because the Thunder are really, really, really good. But still.

Nuggets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: And so continues the Nuggets' experiment with having a roster entirely composed of role players. When Nene is the closest thing to a superstar on your roster, you really, really need for some things to just go your way every night to compete. That being said, George Karl! There's always a chance.

Grizzlies at Spurs, 8:30pm: Hear that? That's the sound of the door continuing to shut on San Antonio's chance at one last title before they have to blow it up and rebuild. Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker aren't getting any younger. Richard Jefferson continues to decline. Antonio McDyess retired. Damn, this is depressing. I feel old, you guys. I need a hug. :(

Hornets at Suns, 9:00pm: Pardon me, but I'm just going to say this one more time to get it out of my system: "basketball reasons." Okay, there, I feel better. So anyway, the Hornets are still owned by the league -- and damn does that just feel wrong -- and they've lost Chris Paul and David West. But they acquired Chris Kaman!!

...Yeah, I'm sorry, Hornets fans.

Meanwhile, the Suns will continue to waste the last years of Steve Nash's career. Happy happy joy joy.

76ers at Trailblazers, 10:00pm: Again, I'm just going to quote the STATS LLC guys because, really, what can I possibly say that's more fitting than this?

"In what has become a recurring theme in Portland, the Trail Blazers will open the season with a myriad of injuries."

Bulls at Warriors, 10:30pm: The Mark Jackson coaching experiment continues! He was brought in to change the defensive mentality to lower that 105.7 points per game number they allowed last season. Well, they only gave up 105 points last season! Success!! That;s almost a full point lower!!

Labels: Bawful After Dark

Worst of the Night is back. You're welcome.
The Boston Celtics: The Celts were playing at a disadvantage. After all, Paul Pierce was sitting out with...

Paul Pierce: ...a bruised right heel. Wait, what? Isn't this the same guy who got cut in half pretty bad right before the 2000-01 season but went on to play all 82 games that year? Does that mean a bruised heal is worse than getting stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back and having a bottle smashed over your head? That's it. I'm gonna start taping my heals before playing in my pickup league. But I digress.

The Boston Celtics: So, yeah, Boston was behind the eight ball, considering their starting SF missed the game and their backup SF is out for the season due to heart surgery. Enter Sasha Pavlovic: Starting small forward for the Boston Celtics.

Oh God.

Sasha Pavlovic: His line: 15 minutes, zero points, 4 fouls, -4. On the bright side, he didn't commit a single turnover. Moving on.

The Boston Celtics: So the Green Machine actually shot 51 percent from the field, plus they were +18 in points in the paint, +11 on assists, +10 on the boards, +8 points on the fast break, and they led by as many as 10 points in the fourth quarter. And lost. Mostly 'cause their hands couldn't locate the faces of Toney Douglas (19 points, 8-for-19, +12), Amar''''''e Stoudemire (21 points, 8-for-11, 2-for-2 on threes) and especially Carmelo Anthony (37 points, 10-for-17, 4-for-7 from downtown, 13-for-15 from the line). 'Melo also hit what turned out to be the game-winning free throws with 16.3 seconds left.

And, for a team with a strong veteran presence and championship experience, Boston's attempts to tie the game were pretty poor. And then there was...

Kevin Garnett: Aw, man. Not again.


Kevin Garnett, quote machine: "They seem to have a little swag and confidence behind them. It's good for the city. It's good for the Knicks. I'm going to see how consistent they are with that, but for the most part Carmelo played really well."

Doc Rivers, quote machine: "I thought we were as soft as you could be in the first quarter and then I thought we joined in to the 2011-12 season, and from that point on I was pretty happy with the way we played."

The Dallas Mavericks: After years and years of overpaying -- with his one forway into frugality being letting Steve Nash walk and using the Nash money to sign Erick Dampier -- Mark Cuban finally started pinching some pennies, letting key players from last year's title squad walk (most notably Tyson Chandler and J.J. Barea) and replacing them with Vince Carter and Lamar Odom. Which would have been a freakin' coup in 2005. But it's about to be 2012.

Said Dallas coach Rick Carlisle: "We're going to have to forge an identity with this team; it's a different team. That's work, and it's going to take honesty, and it's not going to be easy."

No kidding. The Heat -- who got clowned by the Mavs in the Finals last season -- punked Cuban's Cowboys on their own home floor. Miami went up by 15 after one quarter, by 21 after two, and led by as many as 35 points in the second half.

How bad was this ass-kickin'? The Heat outscored the Mavericks 18-0 in the paint in the first quarter alone. For the game, they outrebounded the champs 51-31. Oh, and the Floridians had 97 points through three quarters.

Yeah. The Mavs might be missing Chandler. Just a little.

Vince Carter: This excerpt from the AP recap says it all: "[Vince] Carter took Dallas' first two shots, an 18-footer and a layup. Both missed. [Delonte] West started the second half in his place and finished with 10 points. Carter had five points, two rebounds and three assists in 21 minutes."

Let's put it this way. There were Christmas turkeys that have already been digested and shat out that have a better chance of making a comeback than Vinsanity.

Chris Bosh: Despite his team's overpowering win, the league's reigning powerless forward was nowhere to be seen, finishing with 4 point on 2-for-9 shooting in 24 minutes of lacktion. According to ESPN Stats and Information, those were Bosh's fewest points in a game in which he played at least 20 minutes since December 19, 2004 against the New Jersey Nets.

Jason Terry: "Thirty-one years you waited -- 31 years! -- to call your team a champion, ladies and gentlemen. A champion!"

The Los Angeles Lakers: At the moment the Lakers forged a 11-point lead with 3:44 to go, the Bulls were shooting 6-for-41 in the second half. Seriously, Chicago's offense was so stinking it up so bad it shaved half a point off Michael Jordan's career scoring average. Still...

...the Bulls went 6-for-7 in the final three and a half minutes to stun the Lakers on Derrick Rose's Christmas cookie to end all Christmas cookies:


Kobe Bryant: Yes, he had a strong game (28 points, 7 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals) and canned a clutch jumper with just under a minute to go despite a bum wrist. But he also made some plays that helped get the Bulls back into it.

Mamba got stripped by Joakim Noah with 3:13 left, and his turnover turned into a breakaway dunk for Luol Deng. Then he committed a foul on Deng with 1:58 left, and Lu knocked down both freebies. He missed an 18-footer with 24 seconds left and followed that up with another (really dumb) foul on Deng, who once again drilled both freebies. On L.A.'s next possession, out of a timeout no less, Kobe's pass was stolen by Deng, leading to Rose's game winner. Then Bryant had his last-second shot stuffed...by Deng.

And here's some extra fodder from ESPN Stats and Information: "Kobe Bryant really struggled in isolation play types against the Bulls, scoring just 6 points on 13 plays. He shot 3-11 including a combined 1-8 on isolations from the top of the key and the right side of the court."

The Orlando Magic: Look, the Thunder are a good team, and they were playing at home, so Orlando's lopsided loss doesn't look all that bad on paper.

But watching it was telling. This team is not together, and Dwight "I demand to be traded" Howard is the reason why. They're going to suck with him. They're going to suck without him. This team is stuck in that dreaded basketball limbo from which there is nearly no escape.

Dwight Howard: 11 points on 4-for-12 shooting, 3-for-8 from the line, 0-for-1 on threes. They're called "motions," and Dwight is goin' through 'em.

David Stern, quote machine: On the Howard situation: "That's the beauty of the soap opera. How it plays out, we'll wait and see."

The Golden State Warriors: Could it be? Are the Clippers no longer who we through they were? In their 105-86 road win over the Warriors, The Other L.A. Team scored 64 points in the second half and played nearly flawless basketball down the stretch. And Chris Paul was awesome, especially in the final four minutes.

Still...they were playing the Golden State Warriors. And according to ESPN Stats and Information: "The Clippers probably wish they could start every year off with the Warriors. They are a perfect 4-0 vs Golden State in season openers winning by an average of 12.3 points. Against the rest of the league, the Clippers are 8 games below .500 and giving up nearly 107 points per game."

So. You know. Let's wait and see.

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Celtics-Knicks: Avery Bradley labeled himself the first lacktator of the 2011-12 season, bricking twice in 8:48 and adding a rejection and turnover for a +4 suck differential. Fellow Bostonian E'Twaun Moore mired himself amongst mushrooms in just four seconds for a Super Mario.

For New York, Bill Walker went to work with one brick from Broadway in 14:43 as well as three giveaways and four fouls for a +8! (Not to mention a Christmas gift of a throat shove by the amiable Kevin Garnett.)

Heat-Mavs: Shane Battier bricked once from the Stemmons Freeway for a +1 in 4:03, while Mickell Gladness cheerfully fouled twice in 2:56 for a +2 and a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Dallas's Brendan Haywood countered 3 boards in 13:38 with four fouls and two lost rocks for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Magic-Thunder: Quentin Richardson spelled one foul in 4:41 for a +1.

Clippers-Warriors: Dominic McGuire made it back into the lacktion report, this time providing East Oakland with a 3.5 trillion (3:29) worth of server applications. $7 million dollar man Kwame Brown countered a made free throw and board in 6:49 with a trio of fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, the Warriors also produced a pair of conventional Mario Brothers (Charles Jenkins at 58 seconds despite an assist, and Jeremy Tyler at 22 seconds).

Labels: Worst of the Night

Labels: christmas day, day one

I'm so glad I already did this photoshop last year for another unrelated post
Welcome to the start of the NBA season! (About damn time, grumble grumble).

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Greg Ostertag, Merry Christmas everybody, MST3K references, Ricky Davis

Well, basketball will be back in force this weekend, so you know what that means: time to make fun of Kobe Bryant's deteriorating personal life. The NBA lockout is over, and the Kobe Lockout has begun...with furniture all over the front lawn, no less.

First the Lakers lose the CP3 sweepstakes (albeit in completely illogical fashion - "We owners chose to keep CP3 out of a big market like Los Angeles so we could endorse competitive equality and ship him to a small market like...Los Angeles." Brilliant.), and now this?

I guess even Vanessa has decided to jump off the Laker-tanic, thus proving the universal truth that a man should never buy a woman a 4-zillion dollar ring to apologize for infidelity and alleged sexual assault because, well, after the gooey surge of miss-manners-guilt a woman inevitably feels when said man presents her with a 4-zillion-dollar ring wears off, she's bound to leave him anyway, and he's out 4 zillion bucks.

To be honest, I wouldn't harp on Kobe's off-the-court problems much, if at all, if not for this dazzling video. KB24, peace out.

Kobe Divorce Meltdown - watch more funny videos

Also, thanks to mikeyb for his what-a-team's-Web-site-tells-you-about-the-team submission, the highlight of which was this magnificent fan poll. Well done, my friend:



While we're at it, if you missed my A Christmas Story Board Game video, you're missing out on what may be the greatest / worst Holiday-Movie-related-board-game of all time. Here it is again as a little pre-NBA season Christmas entertainment present before the NBA season kicks off this Sunday. Let basketbawfulness begin! ET3, peace out.

A Christmas Story - The Board Game - watch more funny videos

Labels: divorce, Kobe, video

Looking for the latest breaking NBA news? Undoubtedly, then, you favor a reputable national sports network such as ESPN or Yahoo Sports. Allow me to be the first label you a misguided fool. It is those very sources where your news is filtered, homogenized, and censored. You're getting only the information some spin-doctor or PR person wants you to have. That's no way to keep your finger on the pulse of your favorite NBA team.

So where does an inquisitive basketball fan go? Why, straight to your team's Web site, of course. The elements of a team Web site often give you tremendous insight into the inner workings, morale, and self-image that a team has. Sometimes, the raw, unfiltered, usually unintended "secondary message" of a team is hitting you right in the face, and other times, you need to dig a little deeper. If you're persistent, you can always learn something that your other news outlets simply cannot report to you through their traditional means.

Let's begin:

Bulls:




Simple promotion to get some prep kids to shop with past and present Bulls players, or desperate attempt to find another opportunity to blatantly trot out the 6 Larry O'Briens? The last championship was in 1998, people! Furthermore, is MJ aware you took those out of his house for this photo shoot?

Secondary message: "Enjoy the six we've got, folks, because with all the talk about Derrick Rose winning us another six, we're not holding our breath."

This not only reminds me how Bears fans keep harkening back to 1986 (when they trounced my beloved Pats), but also makes me sad knowing that Tom Brady, Rodney Harrison and the Frozen head of Bob Kraft are going to hold a black-tie cotillion for their three Lombardi trophies in the year 2035.

Onward...

Celtics:




This is a small, unassuming part of the Celtics home page, but it speaks volumes. This poll should read: "Which of these players will contribute least to a loss so humiliating that you drink far too much at the game, attempt to drive home from the TD Garden, get pulled ovah by a statey on the Mass turnpike, blow a .15, get charged with DUI and ruin your life even worse than it is going to be ruined by having to watch your ancient Celtics die a slow and agonizing death."

But I don't think that would fit into the box.

Secondary message: We're not getting Chris Paul. Prepare for the decline sooner rather than later.

Lakers:




Oops. Isn't that guy doing charity work in the middle there not on the team anymore?

Secondary message: Somebody in management still can't believe he gave up Lamar Odom for nothing. Either that, or the Webmaster is neglecting his duties to hit the clubs and score a little blow. One or the other.

Kings:





This is a kick-ass splash page, complete with a Hollywood-quality video and everything. It is super-cool and far outdoes the opening page of other teams. You should check it out.

This brings us to the following truism: the predicted talent level of a team has an inverse relationship to the awesomeness of its splash page. In other words...

Secondary message: "Hope you like the splash page, folks. That's all there is. We're the friggin' Sacramento Kings, for God's sake. Did you hear this California team's name getting bandied about with all this free agent posturing? Of course you didn't. Shut up and enjoy the video."


Pacers:




Guess who the Pacers just spent the rest of their money on?

Secondary message: Shiny new contract, giant double-basketball strong man pose - me thinks someone's due for a letdown year.

Hornets:




This Web site is nothing BUT Secondary Message: "The only thing we're positive is going to be here on opening day is this basketball." I wouldn't be so sure- the ball doesn't look that happy either.


Knicks:




Gosh, Mike Bibby looks spry and virile in this picture, doesn't he? Almost makes you think he's going be a solid contributor to the Knicks this year. Then look at the Photo acknowledgment: Getty Images. For those of you not in the know, Getty is a premiere online creator of expensive, visually compelling imagery.

Secondary message: That picture may not only be Photoshopped, God knows what year it's from. In fact, isn't that a Hawks jersey? I guess they figured "Eh, the ball's covering everything but the "KS" part. Nobody'll know the difference...unless, of course, we stream a pic of current Bibby right after it...




...Yeah, here's who the Knicks actually got. See that fella who looks like he just wandered to the top of the basement stairs with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a remote control in the other? That's him.

76ers:

The Sixers seem to have decided to forego a secondary message altogether, and are unnecessarily rough on themselves on their Web site:




OK, OK, I might have messed with that one a bit.

Nets:

Were you not aware that Nets Owner Mikhail Prokorov has decided to make a presidential run against Vladimir Putin? Well, a simple visit to the Web site would give you plenty of indication that something very Rocky IV is going on here...




I didn't mess with that graphic at all. I swear...

Anyway, if you're still trying to decipher why Dwight Howard is making such a push to become a Net, just go at it harder, and get a little deeper. That's what she said.




"Yeah...uhm...pay me whatever...do the girls wear those outfits when they're dancing?"

Heat:




No bells or whistles here. Nothing nearly as impressive as that smokin' Sacramento Kings site (thus proving that whole inverse relationship truism thing). In other words...

Primary Message: We just signed Shane Battier.
Secondary Message: We just signed m*th*rf**king Shane Battier, and Udonis Haslem will be healthy, beyotches.
Third Message: We're coming. And we're a little more pissed off this time.

Allow me to quietly mope into a dark corner, curl into a fetal position, insert my thumb in my mouth, and prepare for the Heat-ocolypse.

And there you have it folks. All the insider news you could possibly handle, if you just know where to look and how to interpret it. Now find your own Secondary Message and send it on over.

And hey, might as well give you an early Christmas Present video. On my sister site, Lemonwall, I have deposited my video review of the enormously complicated Board game associated with the classic film A Christmas Story. Came out good - not Photoshopped Bibby good, but good.


Enjoy! Click Here and let the fun begin!

Labels: NBA, secondary message, web sites

I'm starting to understand why LeBron felt
the need to blindside his boss - heretofore known as
The Mayor of Crazytown.


Dear Commissioner,

I've been sitting in my mansion for the past year watching old DVR'd Cleveland Cavalier games, and you know what I learned? I learned that my team was WAY F***ING BETTER with LeBron James on it. So I write you today with an empassioned plea to follow through on your commitment to maintain competitive balance in this league and force Chris Paul stay right where he is. And go ahead, put it to a vote. I'm pretty sure we can summon a majority of teams who don't want to see the Lakers suck the best talent from the rest of the league like a giant yellow and purple black hole.

What? You tell me that I'm forcing the New Orleans Hornets to suffer the same injustice that I did by losing a superstar and getting nothing in return? Pishaw. I want the best player to stay with the small market team. I have confidence that at the end of the shortened season and even shorter playoff run, Chris Paul will see the error in his public statements and in his internal desires and realize he should stay put. And if he doesn't, if he goes to the Knicks or the Lakers for less money with nothing in return, so the hell what? I had to deal with that, and I managed just fine.

But this isn't about me. This is about the integrity of the League. And I submit that the most upstanding thing for the League to do is squash trades that do not fit with our own narrow-minded definition of what is fair and just.

So not to get too personal or anything, but my therapist tells me I have a God complex. I don't really see how I'm like that. I am all about others. I was not even remotely thinking about my own agenda when I sent my first-born son to represent me in my effort to cleanse the world of its sins.

Nope. Wasn't thinking of myself at all. That wasn't a PR move. That was me being a magnanimous, good-hearted, family man. I think God would agree. In fact, I just talked to Him, and He does.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. F*** the Lakers. They're even setting themselves up to go get Dwight Howard after securing Chris Paul, and if you think that's competitive balance, then maybe I've forgotten the definition of it since we "resolved" this lockout situation. Some idiots might say that's all "good, forward-thinking team management," or "a willingness to give up talent to get talent," but those people didn't get massively hammered in the keister by LeBron's gigantic ramrod. No seriously - again, not about me - I bought stock in Vaseline right after the "Decision," and am quite happy I did.

So to sum up:
1.) F*** the Lakers.
2.) I hope LeBron James dies in a house fire. Drowning would also be acceptable.
3.) If I propose a trade - Chris Paul for Andersen Varajao and Baron Davis, I don't expect any flak. Yeah, yeah, Hurricane Katrina and all that - but if you're about to compare a little wind and water with the thoughtless, tragic departure of an all-time great Superstar, then it sounds to me like I'm not the only one being accused of God complexity. (That's because I just accused you of it - I wanted to explain that because it's clever and I didn't want you to miss it).

Sincerely,
Dan Gilbert

P.S.> A few of my friends are affixing their signatures to this document, as they feel the same way I do.


Take that, Buss.
Signed, Mark Cuban


Not a player anymore. Sorry, Chris.
Thought this 'stache was just a coincidence?
Signed, God


Not really famous, not attractive, and I own the Knicks. Life sucks.
Signed, James Dolan

Labels: Charlotte Hornets, Chris Paul, dan gilbert, Lakers, letter to david stern, Los Angeles Clippers