ostertag-christmas
[Ed. note -- Guest post today from The Other Chris, channeling his inner poet. When your kids are cranky and restless tonight, be sure to read them any story other than this one. They'd be too wired and giddy with anticipation for the Christmas night Frail Blazers/Warriors game to go to sleep otherwise. Merry Christmas everyone! -Dan B.]


'Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through Eddie's House,

Not a player liked Sterling,

That cheap racist louse.

The stockings were hung way up high by Yinka Dare,

Ready for booty from the new CBA, like winnin' the lottery,

The out-of-wedlock baby mamma children were snug in their beds,

Their daddies caroused strip joints, not a care in their heads,

And Craig Sager in a stupid suit, while Jackson and Arenas bust caps,

Sternly, anyone who whines this year is rewarded with a slap,

When out in Rose Garden there arose such a clatter,

It was the sound of Frail Blazers knees, they had collectively shattered!!!

Away to the rescue flew D-Wade the Flash!

But to South Beach came LeBron and Bosh, for a little less cash.

Tore down the rim and with authorit-ah, Blake did smash!

The Moon confounds us with Bawful, much like once did The Snow

There's no lustre left in the Leastern, so many teams that blow.

When, what to my wondering League Pass should appear,

But the lumbering undead corpse of Erik Dampier!

With Boykins still playing, so little and quick,

I knew in a moment this season would be sick.

More vapid than Britney, The King's TV games,

But vying for the title, all of the big names:

"Now Garnett! Now Allen! Now Pierce, now Rondo!"

"If any of you get injured, your title hopes are gonzo!"

"On Williams! On Rose! On Jennings! On Paul!"

"There's a new kid in town, his name is John Wall!"

As The Answer out of the NBA and to Turkey did fly,

Like David Thompson, players these days can walk the sky,

So up to the top, the Lakers they flew

With zombie Fish, and Kobe, and crazy Artest, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard there was proof.

That the ancient Spurs aren't done, they also plan to raise the roof.

As Drew joined yet another team, with weird head hair and lots of rebounds,

Tumbling down came the Bucks, the Deer have been bound.

They dress all in fur, these millionares, and never go by foot,

Except maybe Matt Booner, covered in smog and soot.

A gaggle of Bulls follow Derrick, as he attacks the rack,

A rich history of glory, they want to go back.

Their eyes - how they twinkle! Even the Paupers, they're merry!

At least the NBA doesn't have to put up with Don Fucking Cherry!

Draftees usually rock a suit, but for Noah it's a bow,

No matter, he's good; watch out, Pierce, thunder down below!

Red, iconic with a cigar clamped in his teeth,

The Celtics, loved and hated, keep piling up the wreaths.

With broad faces and even broader bellies,

The likes of Diaw and Davis need to lay off the damn jelly,

With Oden once again laid up on the shelf,

Probably, after dong pic, though "I shoulda stopped myself".

With a wink of his eye, there goes little Luther Head,

Banished to Sacramento, the land of the walking dead.

Arenas speaks no more, he just goes straight to work.

Too bad his shot and his game have gone completely beserk.

Last year in the Finals it was the Lake Show by a nose;

But everyone reloaded, gunning for the overthrow.

Like legions of homers, cringing at a late whistle.

The Raptors, Cavs and Warriors can fit their hopes in a thistle.

But as Marv Albert exclaimed, at another spectacular sight:

"There's always hope for you sad sacks; just wait for draft night!!"

Labels: , ,

43 Comments:
Anonymous ryan said...
Perfect!

Anonymous kazam92 said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc

Anonymous Marc d. said...
Bravo!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
More LeBron douchiness, check out the presentation LeBron used to get sponsors for his birthday party. My favorite slide is this one, illustrating the "LeBron James Dinner Party Tour Dates," although the one saying the "event is royal themed fitting for a birthday celebration of a king, channeling an ambience of extravagant court life" is up there too. Wow.

Blogger The Dude Abides said...
I'm wondering how much LeBron has to do to get one of his photos on Basketbawful's banner.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
"HEY LEBRON DOES SOMETHING SLIGHTLY ABNORMAL AND IRRELEVANT TO BASKETBALL THAT USUALLY REFLECTS HIS FINANCIAL STATUS. LETS CALL HIM INSULTING NAMES TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL BETTER"

Come on guys. It's not a big deal. He has an ego. If you were getting your dick sucked at 17 by Yesmen then you would have one too

Blogger Max said...
cosign kazam. yeah he's a bit of a douche, but who wouldnt be in his situation? as kanye west says "hard to be humble when you stunting on a jumbotron"

Blogger Wild Yams said...
kazam92 - Look, I know you're new at this with the Heat only having picked up LeBron a few months ago and now with your team being one of the most despised in sports, but take it from me, I'm a Lakers fan so I've been in the same position for years. You and I both root for hated teams with huge douches on them. You can get all upset every time it's pointed out how much of a douche LeBron is, but it won't make it go away. Just resign yourself to the fact that virtually everyone hates the guy and will continue to mock every little thing he does. Getting upset about it only gonna fuel the fire. Trust me. Better to just realize what a douche LeBron is, and say so, but say since he plays for your team you're gonna root for him anyway.

The point is this: it's not "a big deal" but it sure as hell is fun to laugh at what an idiot he is. You can either join in on the fun or get all bent out of shape over and over every time LeBron does anything douche-y (which apparently is quite often).

Blogger Preveen said...
http://www.nba.com/2010/news/12/24/mike-brown-espn-analyst.ap/index.html

Is this a joke? I don't really have much respect for his analysis.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wild Yams, you seem like a bigger douche than LeBron.

Blogger chris said...
But as Marv Albert exclaimed, at another spectacular sight:

"There's always hope for you sad sacks; just wait for draft night!!"


Hope on draft night?

That's true unless you're Seattle and it's the Kevin Durant draft, because you never know what email traffic your owner is involved in at that very point in time.

Or if you're the Clippers or Portland, you're guaranteed an injured player regardless of where you pick.

Blogger zyth said...
@ chris :
'tis the day of...well, december, so i wish you a better team. i really do. i remember rooting for the kings when they got jobbed and it never got easier.
@ kazam :
i'm sorry dude, but lebron is a jackass. he is a physical marvel, a good basketball player, hell, even a great one. but he is just a rich douchebag outside of the court.
@ all :
glory to the holiday season! free time! merry y'all

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Hey douche., I've been a heatfan since the Mourning-Hardaway days. I watched Ricky Davis and Mark Blount play for us when we won 15 games. Don't go making your bullshit assumptions

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Sorry, I get pissed the fuck off when people make these assumptions about me and the Heat. Look, he's an ass, a douche fine, Wade will always own this city (think A-Rod, Jeter), but give it a fucking rest. Whats next


OMG LEBRON WIPED HIS ASS WITH DOLLAR BILLS INSTEAD OF TOILET PAPER JFKDJASFKHDJKFKDJSFNKJ!!! OMG LEBRON BOUGHT AN EXPENSIVE CAR AND PUT AN IMAGE OF HIMSELF ON IT.

Yeah it would be a douchy thing to do but who cares???? Why bring it up other than to make yourself feel better

Blogger KHayes666 said...
What's with dumbass anonymous trolls calling Wild Yams a douche? He's the only Lakers fan I know who isn't actually.

As for Lebron lovers, the ultimate slap in their face will come in May when Boston, Orlando or Chicago sends him home for the summer without a ring.

Anonymous Marylander said...
Look at Hedo and the Magic. Celtics played wo Rondo but still a good W for orlando.

Merry Christmas Bawful family!

Anonymous Karc said...
Christmas Day is quickly becoming my favorite holiday. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing a completely unlikeable team walk into LA and embarrass the Lakers on a yearly basis. The only things missing were foam fingers and Kobe getting tossed again.

One might say that the Lakers are in offical WDGASUTP-mode, but seriously, to have that attitude in December? It may be too early to declare them done, but they're as close as it gets, especially since the cookie-cutter part of their schedule is over, and they have a worse record than the Heat to show for it. The next time they play the Heat will be on a road trip featuring the Spurs, Hawks, Mavs, and Heat. Uh oh...

Anonymous Mladen said...
@zyth:

Yeah, because I'm sure that every other freaking NBA player is a humble nice guy...Or every professional athlete,for that matter. I don't get into these discussions any more, but, like an anonymous commenter pointed out (or sort of tried to, in his own way): the stuff you say about LBJ shows more about the kind of person you are.

Also, the Heat just pimp-slapped the Lakers. In L.A.. On Christmas! Awesome.

Blogger stephanie g said...
What's new, Heat blowing out another bad team.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
kazam92 - I didn't say you're new to being a Heat fan, I said you're new to being a fan of one of the most despised teams in sports, since prior to this year nobody much cared about the Heat, but now they're up there with the Lakers for most hated teams. And last year you guys didn't have LeBron, but now you do, and he's up there with Kobe among the most hated players in the game. Trust me, as a long time Laker fan, I know what rooting for Public Enemy #1 is like, so I was giving you advice, not trolling you. Good game by your team out there today. Too bad my team failed to show up to at least make a game of it.

Anonymous Karc said...
More bawful - Lakers were the only home team to lose on X-Mas day, and the only team that got blown out by double digits. Seems like Phil Jackson's bitching about having to play on a holiday had an unexpected effect on his players. As in, "it's ok to lose, it's not like anyone else is working hard today." I am starting to think that it may have been pre-game losing spin, if such a thing is possible.

Seriously, David Stern should fine the Lakers. All of the other games were entertaining (even the Boston-Orlando brickfest, but specifically Durant going nuts, and Nuggets fighting without Melo). This one was awful from the start (how many of those bricks were in the paint, 20?). I am starting to think that they deliberately mailed this one in, and warned the media ahead of team. I mean, a team that won two titles and are relatively healthy can't be THIS bad, right?

I agree with stephanie g, this loss really isn't nothing new, considering that the Heat beat a team that lost at home by 19 points to the Bucks as "preparation" for this game. Looking forward to the 8th-seeded Lakers in the playoffs...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hedo was +30 in an 8 point game... What?

Blogger chris said...
First off...

SHAQ WITH AN 8:3 VOSKUHL. And the Celtics were WINNING prior to his foulout, coincidence, I think not.

Yeah.

Second off...

It was awesome spending time with family this Christmas, teaching my four-year old cousin what a "brick" is...

...and watching him ask his dad why the Warriors always seemed to lose. LOL

I was also telling him about how important defense was, after a few botched Warriors plays...then whaddya know, the Bay Area all-offense, 1 second or less squad...GETS A FEW STOPS AND WINS AGAINST THE FRAIL BLAZERS.

And my little cousin cheered for defensive plays too! woot

Yes, I saw the irony in fans at The Oracle chanting "defense" to say the least. :D

Blogger zyth said...
@Mladen :
yes, the fact the people are commenting on lebron and his actions means that i'm a piss poor racist born in a country that was heavily raped during the war :)
but just as i laugh at things that Palin said not knowing her, not being from her country, i feel i can laugh at things that people intentionally living in the spotlight do.
how many times did you defend lebron when he was in cleveland?
bah,eod, isn't worth it.

Blogger zyth said...
but disregarding :
let us enjoy the bawfully goodness of the total boston meltdown. up by 5 in the 4th quarter and i frickin' knew they will lose.
only two games i watch this month and boston has to lose to the magic with Dwight not being very Dwight'y

Anonymous Mladen said...
Since it's the holidays, and I know what most of you guys want, here's a little gift for you:

http://www.slamdumb.com/c73.php

Blogger KHayes666 said...
The Celtics didn't shoot themselves in the foot in this game because obviously they couldn't shoot for you know what.

I think both O'Neal's picked up a Voskuhl in the game. Pierce had a good first half but couldn't hit anything in the second. Robinson missed about 14 shots by himself, Allen did nothing. The vaunted bench did nothing other than Davis. It was one brick after another and I credit Orlando's defense.

I thought the Celtics would steamroll the new look Magic, I will now eat some crow to go with Christmas apple pie. See you in May, Orlando

Blogger Solieyu said...
Meh, I'm still not impressed by the Magic. Celtics were missing their best player, and are still missing their best inside defender. Plus, it was Christmas so...

I think the Laker's schedule getting more difficult will actually work in their favor. Maybe it will get Artest to focus again, since he seems to be Crazy Pilling it up more than usual these days.

Still waiting for the inevitable injury to one of the Spurs main pieces to remove them from contention. As weak as they are inside, I don't see them (or the Thunder) beating the Lakers in a 7 game series. The Mavs may have a chance if they can find Haywood's body. Otherwise, Bynum and Gasol will wear Chandler down, and Artest will put Terry in a vice, making Dirk their only consistent scoring option.

Blogger DJ LEON SMITH said...
Regardless of the circumstances, it's always sad to see fans say "I was a fan since !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was obvious Wild Yams wasn't taking a shot at you, grow some balls.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
If there is a Worst of the Weekend tomorrow, surely Dwight Howard getting called for not taking a free throw in 10 seconds should be included. I don't know if I can recall ever seeing that called before, but it was a good call by the refs. Howard wasn't even close to being ready to take that shot when the ref made the call. He looked like he was daydreaming at the line or something. Then to make matters worse, Howard racked up his 10th T of the season by complaining about it (what's the rule, 6 more T's this season and he'll get a one game suspension?).

BTW, I hate to be the one to keep pointing out LeBron's douchiness, but here's yet another example of it:

The others that also will hit the stores Sunday are James' LeBron 8 V/2, which has a suggested price of $160, and Bryant's Zoom Kobe VI, which retails for $130. So the natural question is: Why in the heck does the Miami star's shoe sell for $30 more?

"Yeah, it's a better shoe,'' James said Friday after a practice at UCLA on the eve of Miami's Christmas Day battle with Bryant's Lakers at the Staples Center. "But we're all one Nike family.''

So why is it a better shoe?

"Because it is,'' James said of his shoe, which is red with green laces while Bryant's is green with red laces. "Because it's LeBron's shoe. It's got my name on it. I take pride in my shoes every year and I've always taken pride in having the best shoe. So they're going to cost a little more if you decide to wear them.''


Glad to see that even though he's changed teams, he still refers to himself in the 3rd person.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Lebron's shoe costs $30 more than Kobe's because it comes with a guarantee that he won't rape you.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
See kazam92, no matter how hated LeBron is or how much douchebaggery he perpetrates, at least you don't have to deal with this bullshit.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
I apologize Yams, I just hate dealing with both assumptions (Heat fan = no knowledge about the team or NBA) and the lame ass fake fans i also encLunter. I was thrilled to beat your lakers but I respect that you seem to be a true fan. Must say I wasn't expecting it to be so easy...Lakers still get a mulligan on Bynum's health slowly returning. As much as I admire Odom and how well he's been, They need to shift Gasol to PF soon, he can't handle this anymore

Blogger Preveen said...
Hold up Chris,
I didn't see this game, but what you said was, Shaq was in the game and playing bad, but the Celts were winning, then he was out (no longer in and not sucking in the court) and from there Boston loose? What does that imply, that even when he's sucking, he's Boston's best option?

Blogger KHayes666 said...
The problem was when Shaq fouled out, the rest of the team were too chicken to put bodies on anyone because the referee's were blowing automatic whistles at will. When Shaq fouled out I think both Jermaine O'Neal and someone else had 5 fouls themselves.

That's when Orlando starting hitting uncontested jump shots that put the game away.

Rondo being out was no excuse, Robinson bricked too many shots that if made...would have made the game more competitive near the end.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Wow, the LAkers looked totally lackadaisical. No wonder Kobe is so pissed. They're totally coasting. Still, Bynum working back up will help.

On the douchery issue, I struggle with the judgment thing. On the one hand, can I say I wouldn't be similar if I came of age under the same circumstances? On the other hand, we have plenty of examples of guys who are stars and don't engage in this behavior. Are they exceptional people, or are they just emotionally solid with healthy self-esteem? Why has Tim Duncan never felt the need to front like LeBron does, even though Duncan was the best 4 in history, and LeBron has no chance of being named best in his position now (since he will never have put a franchise on his back and carried it to a title, but instead chose to just stack up a team)? I admire Timmy for that, but I also suspect that we're seeing that LeBron has some weakness in character. And after the Decision Lebacle, we've seen him front even more. I suspect that fronting is directly related to the amount of insecurity LeBron is feeling.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Yeah, I don't buy the "what do you expect, given how he grew up" excuse for LeBron being such a douche. Look at Kevin Durant, who is by all accounts a humble down to earth guy.

Blogger chris said...
What does that imply, that even when he's sucking, he's Boston's best option?

Given the way they handed the game to Orlando and basically surrendered downtown to them...

Hard NOT to come out with that conclusion.

Still, Bynum working back up will help.

It'll be nice for him to sop up minutes from the bench to give Gasol a rest.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Yams, Durant was nowhere the marketing machine LeBron was built to be by Nike, In high school he was just another good player who colleges wanted. No one thought he would be transcendent off the bat

Anonymous NBA Horn said...
Rhyming "Yinka Dare" with "Lottery" is like Kanye West rhyming "Luther Vandross" with "take your pants off."
Poetic mastery!

Blogger lordhenry said...
"See kazam92, no matter how hated LeBron is or how much douchebaggery he perpetrates, at least you don't have to deal with this bullshit."

Hear, Hear.....And that is without going into Lebron's patented "I maul you with my shoulder Shaq-style repeatedly until I hear a whistle and then hastily throw up a shot two seconds late to get a continuation I don't deserve." go-to move.

Anonymous Shiv said...
Anonymous commenter wins the internet.

*Note to self: Must buy Lebrons shoes*

Anonymous Anonymous said...
People who can't stand to see their favorite team/player get made fun of probably shouldn't visit Basketbawful. You say so what if LeBron has an ego? LOL that's the reason he is so fun and easy to make fun of, and it's only getting worse/better with time. As mentioned above, it's only a matter of time until LeBron does something so self-aggrandizing that he becomes the center pic on the Basketbawful banner.

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