I'm so glad I already did this photoshop last year for another unrelated post
Welcome to the start of the NBA season! (About damn time, grumble grumble).

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Greg Ostertag, Merry Christmas everybody, MST3K references, Ricky Davis

[Ed. note -- Guest post today from The Other Chris, channeling his inner poet. When your kids are cranky and restless tonight, be sure to read them any story other than this one. They'd be too wired and giddy with anticipation for the Christmas night Frail Blazers/Warriors game to go to sleep otherwise. Merry Christmas everyone! -Dan B.]


'Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through Eddie's House,

Not a player liked Sterling,

That cheap racist louse.

The stockings were hung way up high by Yinka Dare,

Ready for booty from the new CBA, like winnin' the lottery,

The out-of-wedlock baby mamma children were snug in their beds,

Their daddies caroused strip joints, not a care in their heads,

And Craig Sager in a stupid suit, while Jackson and Arenas bust caps,

Sternly, anyone who whines this year is rewarded with a slap,

When out in Rose Garden there arose such a clatter,

It was the sound of Frail Blazers knees, they had collectively shattered!!!

Away to the rescue flew D-Wade the Flash!

But to South Beach came LeBron and Bosh, for a little less cash.

Tore down the rim and with authorit-ah, Blake did smash!

The Moon confounds us with Bawful, much like once did The Snow

There's no lustre left in the Leastern, so many teams that blow.

When, what to my wondering League Pass should appear,

But the lumbering undead corpse of Erik Dampier!

With Boykins still playing, so little and quick,

I knew in a moment this season would be sick.

More vapid than Britney, The King's TV games,

But vying for the title, all of the big names:

"Now Garnett! Now Allen! Now Pierce, now Rondo!"

"If any of you get injured, your title hopes are gonzo!"

"On Williams! On Rose! On Jennings! On Paul!"

"There's a new kid in town, his name is John Wall!"

As The Answer out of the NBA and to Turkey did fly,

Like David Thompson, players these days can walk the sky,

So up to the top, the Lakers they flew

With zombie Fish, and Kobe, and crazy Artest, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard there was proof.

That the ancient Spurs aren't done, they also plan to raise the roof.

As Drew joined yet another team, with weird head hair and lots of rebounds,

Tumbling down came the Bucks, the Deer have been bound.

They dress all in fur, these millionares, and never go by foot,

Except maybe Matt Booner, covered in smog and soot.

A gaggle of Bulls follow Derrick, as he attacks the rack,

A rich history of glory, they want to go back.

Their eyes - how they twinkle! Even the Paupers, they're merry!

At least the NBA doesn't have to put up with Don Fucking Cherry!

Draftees usually rock a suit, but for Noah it's a bow,

No matter, he's good; watch out, Pierce, thunder down below!

Red, iconic with a cigar clamped in his teeth,

The Celtics, loved and hated, keep piling up the wreaths.

With broad faces and even broader bellies,

The likes of Diaw and Davis need to lay off the damn jelly,

With Oden once again laid up on the shelf,

Probably, after dong pic, though "I shoulda stopped myself".

With a wink of his eye, there goes little Luther Head,

Banished to Sacramento, the land of the walking dead.

Arenas speaks no more, he just goes straight to work.

Too bad his shot and his game have gone completely beserk.

Last year in the Finals it was the Lake Show by a nose;

But everyone reloaded, gunning for the overthrow.

Like legions of homers, cringing at a late whistle.

The Raptors, Cavs and Warriors can fit their hopes in a thistle.

But as Marv Albert exclaimed, at another spectacular sight:

"There's always hope for you sad sacks; just wait for draft night!!"

Labels: guest author, Merry Christmas everybody, The Night Before Basketbawful Christmas

"Dude, you can have the ball, just please don't bite me!!"
To echo Bawful's thoughts from earlier, Merry Christmas, Bawfulites! I already have to work a half-day at my Clark Kent job tomorrow, so you're getting the weekend post early. Deal with it. To make it up to you, here's some Youtube goodness!

1) A Christmas tradition courtesy of In Living Color (i.e. when the Wayans were still funny)...

Homey Claus don't play that
2) As a fan of both horrible movies and Mystery Science Theater 3000, no Christmas would be complete for me without a viewing of the dubbed Mexican trainwreck of a late 1950s film called, creatively enough, Santa Claus. And since I know many of you have a similar sense of humor, I feel the need to share the joy of Santa being covered in a deluge of chain letter scam mail and riding a sleigh pulled by horrifically creepy robot reindeer that will eat your soul while you sleep. Embedded below is part 1 of the entire movie -- Here is the Youtube playlist for the full movie.

"It's a stupid Mexican kids' movie!!!"
3) Well, it's not technically Youtube, but it's still a streaming video. Merry Christmas from the Nyets! (h/t JE Skeets)

Oh, and one brief note to hurt your brain: the Chinese language police have banned the acronym "NBA". They instead want you to use a non-English version of the word to keep the language pure: “Mei Guo Nan Zi Zhi Ye Lan Qiu Lian Sai.” Seriously.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Time out! My eyebrows are trying to escape again."

Even the winning coach can't stand to watch a Pistons/Raptors game

"The Hornets aren't quite as good as everyone thought at first... maybe we've got a chance..."

"Nevermind."

Nationally Televised Thursday Games:
Spurs at Magic, TNT, 8pm: Because you so want to see the Hedo Deja Vu Magic get the snot beaten out of them by the Spurs. Ball.

Heat at Suns, TNT, 10:30pm: Alvin Gentry had this to say about Vag Carter: "He's still a little sore and there's no reason to rush things. We want him healthy before we run him out there." Yeah, good luck with that, Coach.

Meanwhile, D-Wade has a sore knee.

All The Other Thursday Games:
Bucks at Kings, 10pm: Let me put it this way for you. There is a damn good reason why this game is not being nationally televised.

* * *

No games Friday

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Christmas Games:
Bulls at Knicks, ESPN, 12pm: The lack of Joakim Noah makes this game (unfortunately) a little more interesting.

Celtics at Magic, ABC, 2:30pm: I know the Celtics have been running their offense through Paul Pierce while Rondo's injured, but maybe they should put Shaq at the point. I mean, he can conduct the Boston Pops -- why can't he conduct the offense for his team?

The Big Conductor
Heat at Lakers, ABC, 5:30pm: I'm just going to give you this link with the headline used by the Business Insider Sports Page guys: "Here's The (PowerPoint) Presentation LeBron James Used To Get Sponsors For His Birthday Party." The best part? LeBron is spelled wrong (they used non-capitalized Bs)

Nuggets at Thunder, ESPN, 8pm: It turns out the "death in the family" that Carmelo experienced the other day was his sister, who leaves behind four children. That's absolutely heartbreaking. My condolences to the Anthony family.

Frail Blazers at Warriors, ESPN, 10:30pm: How fortuitous! ESPN knew nobody would be paying attention to a game this late anyway, so why not put on one that will be fairly meaningless and good for dozing off while watching. So here comes NBA scheduling to the rescue with the Frail Blazers battling for an eighth seed, and the Warriors battling to not be the worst team in the league.

* * *

All The Sunday Games:
Suns at Clippers, 3pm: Remind me again, why did the draft lottery have to send Blake Griffin to Donald Sterling's mess of a franchise? It's just not fair for anyone!

Timberwolves at Cavaliers, 6pm: The only reasons to care about this game: the Timberwolves are just exciting to watch as they are horrible, plus there is an ever-present possibility of Kevin Love transforming into the Incredible Hulk and pulling down 35 rebounds.

Also, be sure you check out Kevin Love's Christmas gift guide.

Bulls at Pistons, 6pm: Sadly, these are not the Bad Boys Pistons. These are just the Bad Pissed-Ons.

Hawks at Hornets, 7pm: Okay, let's see. Hornets have good defense, bad offense. Hawks have slightly less good defense, slightly less bad offense. I guess those factors balance out and this becomes a halfway good game in theory?

Grizzlies at Pacers, 7pm: This game, on the other hand, can never be "good" under any circumstances. It might be close, but it will never be "good."

Wizards Bullets at Spurs, 7pm: I'm beginning to wonder if John Wall is ever going to be healthy. Is he being worked on by the Portland medical staff in secret? Also, as noted in last night's BAD comments by AnacondaHL: "Easy WotN material tonight. I don't even want to change the name of the YouTube video. Andray Blatche does something Andray Blatche-y"


I also appreciated the description used on Sports Pickle: "The essence of the Washington Wizards in a 10-second highlight. Watch this 288 times and you have a whole Wizards game."

76ers at Nuggets, 8pm: According to this piece, "the Sixers, who usually hold a mandatory team meeting on the second day of back-to-back games, instead held a voluntary one" after their ass-whupping by the Celtics and Bulls. They did this because they got beaten down so badly that they just wanted to forget about it and move on. That one moment sums up the entire Sixers season.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Merry Christmas everybody

Hey everybody. Sorry I didn't get around to doing a WotN post for last night's action. I'm taking a few days off to enjoy the holidays. I might do a weekend post to recap the Christmas day games. We'll see how hungov...how holly I'm feeling.

Anyway, I leave you with this video. And my best wishes for a happy holiday.

Labels: Merry Christmas everybody