I'm starting to understand why LeBron felt
the need to blindside his boss - heretofore known as
The Mayor of Crazytown.


Dear Commissioner,

I've been sitting in my mansion for the past year watching old DVR'd Cleveland Cavalier games, and you know what I learned? I learned that my team was WAY F***ING BETTER with LeBron James on it. So I write you today with an empassioned plea to follow through on your commitment to maintain competitive balance in this league and force Chris Paul stay right where he is. And go ahead, put it to a vote. I'm pretty sure we can summon a majority of teams who don't want to see the Lakers suck the best talent from the rest of the league like a giant yellow and purple black hole.

What? You tell me that I'm forcing the New Orleans Hornets to suffer the same injustice that I did by losing a superstar and getting nothing in return? Pishaw. I want the best player to stay with the small market team. I have confidence that at the end of the shortened season and even shorter playoff run, Chris Paul will see the error in his public statements and in his internal desires and realize he should stay put. And if he doesn't, if he goes to the Knicks or the Lakers for less money with nothing in return, so the hell what? I had to deal with that, and I managed just fine.

But this isn't about me. This is about the integrity of the League. And I submit that the most upstanding thing for the League to do is squash trades that do not fit with our own narrow-minded definition of what is fair and just.

So not to get too personal or anything, but my therapist tells me I have a God complex. I don't really see how I'm like that. I am all about others. I was not even remotely thinking about my own agenda when I sent my first-born son to represent me in my effort to cleanse the world of its sins.

Nope. Wasn't thinking of myself at all. That wasn't a PR move. That was me being a magnanimous, good-hearted, family man. I think God would agree. In fact, I just talked to Him, and He does.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. F*** the Lakers. They're even setting themselves up to go get Dwight Howard after securing Chris Paul, and if you think that's competitive balance, then maybe I've forgotten the definition of it since we "resolved" this lockout situation. Some idiots might say that's all "good, forward-thinking team management," or "a willingness to give up talent to get talent," but those people didn't get massively hammered in the keister by LeBron's gigantic ramrod. No seriously - again, not about me - I bought stock in Vaseline right after the "Decision," and am quite happy I did.

So to sum up:
1.) F*** the Lakers.
2.) I hope LeBron James dies in a house fire. Drowning would also be acceptable.
3.) If I propose a trade - Chris Paul for Andersen Varajao and Baron Davis, I don't expect any flak. Yeah, yeah, Hurricane Katrina and all that - but if you're about to compare a little wind and water with the thoughtless, tragic departure of an all-time great Superstar, then it sounds to me like I'm not the only one being accused of God complexity. (That's because I just accused you of it - I wanted to explain that because it's clever and I didn't want you to miss it).

Sincerely,
Dan Gilbert

P.S.> A few of my friends are affixing their signatures to this document, as they feel the same way I do.


Take that, Buss.
Signed, Mark Cuban


Not a player anymore. Sorry, Chris.
Thought this 'stache was just a coincidence?
Signed, God


Not really famous, not attractive, and I own the Knicks. Life sucks.
Signed, James Dolan

Labels: Charlotte Hornets, Chris Paul, dan gilbert, Lakers, letter to david stern, Los Angeles Clippers

Don't expect the smiling to continue if Lionel Hollinskeeps bringing The Not Answer off the bench.
The New Jersey Nyets: Last night, the Nyets (still winless!) had a stretch between the third and fourth quarters during which they went 10 minutes without scoring a single point. During that Festival of Fail, the Nyets went 0-for-11 from the field, committed nine of their 26 turnovers and got outscored by the Bobcats 24-0 in what turned out to be the NBA's longest scoring drought in almost four years. (According to STATS LLC, the last worst drought was when the Bucks went 10:07 without scoring against the Rockets on January. 23, 2006.) Mind you, New Jersey had built a 14-point lead before all that went down. Instead, they ended up losing 79-68. Said Rafer Alston (1-for-8, 3 turnovers): "It was embarrassing." No doubt.

But way, there's more! Yao, er, I mean Yi Jianlian rolled his right knee during that Festival of Fail, and today he has to undergo an MRI to assess the damage to the medial collateral ligament. Sounds pretty bad already, doesn't it?

To add a little insult to all that injury, I should point out that the Nyets lost to a team that shot 32 percent from the field (24-for-74) and six percent from three-point range (1-for-15). Oh, and did I mention the 'Cats are the lowest scoring team in the NBA so far?

Bonus pathetic stat: The Nyets tied a team low with seven points in the third quarter on 13 percent shooting (2-for-15).

Update! Gerald Wallace, Black Hole: From Basketbawful reader Garron: "In four games this season, Gerald Wallace has 50+ shots, 50+ rebounds, 13 turnovers...and 0 assists. Black hole much?" It's true.

The New Orleans Hornets: Another great game for Chris Paul (32 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists), another loss for the Hornets. Anybody else thing it's going to be a long season in New Orleans? Well, at least the Saints are still undefeated. Anyway, the Hornets biggest problem was on defense, giving up 117 points to the previously winless Knicks, including 40 in the fourth quarter. But wait, it gets way worse than that: Larry Hughes saw his first action of the season...and scored 20 points on 8-for-13 shooting. Meanwhile Julian Wright, the man starting opposite of Big Shot Larry, finished with 2 points on 1-for-3 from the field.

Chris Paul: Great as he may be, the little guy is starting to lose his shit a little. First, he had an on-court run-in with Rajon Rondo on Sunday, after which he allegedly tried to force his way into the Celtics locker room. The NBA is currently investigating the situation. (Paul subsequently denied this on his Twitter page and now refuses to discuss it. Hornets coach Byron Scott said: "I think there comes a point in time in a game or even after a game when somebody says something to you, and the only thing I heard Chris say at the end of the game when we were walking off was that, 'he's going to respect me as a man.' So I don't know what Rondo said, but obviously Chris took exception to it." Obviously.)

Then, last night in New York, Paul and Al Haarrington were scrambling for a loose ball when Paul appeared to hit Harrington in the head. Said Harrington: "When I dove, my head hit his knee. He might have slipped a couple of jabs in there. It didn't affect me. You know I fight in the summer, so it's all good." It may be "all good" for Big Al, but Big David and the league office probably won't keep turning a blind eye if Paul doesn't get a handle on his emotions. After all, the NBA is supposed to care, not bludgeon.

The Utah Jazz: Hey, didn't these guys used to be almost unstoppable in Salt Lake City? They sure got stopped last night, losing 17 points to the Yao Ming-less and Tracy McGrady-less Rockets. How does a team with two All-Star caliber players (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer) lose at home to a team with zero All-Star caliber players? It was like Night of the Living Roleplayers out there, as eight Rockets scored in double figures (including 17 off the bench from rookie Chase Buddinger). Houston hit 50 percent of their shots and 52 percent of their threes. They also outrebounded Jazz 46-38 and scored 26 points off of Utah's 19 turnovers. They...they just do all the little things it takes to win. It's Moneyball, baby!

Or maybe it's just bad defense by the Jazz...? Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "If you're not going to defend, it's pretty tough to have a chance to win. They got on top of the basket, they drove around us, they went up to the ball on the boards and they passed the ball." Added Williams: "We've just got to have more determination to come out and get stops and not let people score. We're just picking up right where we left off. We haven't played a good game of basketball yet." Don't worry, Deron. You have, like, 78 more chances!

Carlos Boozer: Memo to Carlos: If you want to out of Utah, you should know that performances like this (1-for-6 for 7 points plus 4 turnovers) will not help your trade value.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Allen Iverson has arrived...let the losing begin in earnest! The Not Answer made his season debut for the Griz last night, logging 18 minutes (off the bench!) and finishing with 11 points (5-for-9), an assist and 2 turnovers. Oh, and one overtime loss to the previously winless Kings. And guess what? He's already bitching about coming off the bench!

Allen Iverson: If there was any question left that this guy just doesn'ts get it, that question got answered last night. Brought in off the bench most likely because he, like, hasn't been playing or practicing much lately due to a partial right hamstring tear, Iverson is already voicing discontent over his role. And it's been one game! Said The Not Answer: "Go look at my resume and that will show you that I'm not a sixth man. I don't think it has anything to do with me being selfish. It's just who I am. I don't want to change what gave me all the success that I've had since I've been in this league." Allen, Allen, Allen...you do realize that you're playing for the Grizzlies -- the Memphis Grizzlies! -- because nobody else would have touched you with a 10-meter cattle prod, right?

And I'm not sure what he means by "success." Sure, he had one bogus MVP season and made a trip to the Finals during an era in which the East sucked and his teammates inexplicable killed themselves for him despite the fact that he hogged the hell out of the ball. But since then? Scoring lots of points on 40 percent shooting while your teams consistently fail to meet expectations and becoming the biggest NBA outcast not named "Stephon Marbury" doesn't sound like success to me. But what do I know?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let it be known that the previously winless Clippers earned their first victory of the season against the lowly Timberpups. But let's face facts here: both teams are who we thought they were. Both squads shot 42 percent and the Clippers won despite giving up 30 points off 20 turnovers. This was offset by a little home cookin', as The Other L.A. Team had a 32-16 edge in free throw attempts.

Believe it or not, Minny had a chance to tie the game at the buzzer, but Corey Brewer chucked up a junk shot with a hand in his face...which coach Kurt Rambis explained thusly: "We haven't yet gotten to the point where we know what play we're going to run with a low-clock situation and no timeouts when you've got to get the ball up the floor. That's my fault that we haven't had the time to work on plays in that situation, but I like the fact that they got back in the ballgame and gave themselves a chance to win." So the team doesn't have a crunch-time play in the playbook? Wow. Coaching fail.

Baron Davis: B-Dizzle is shooting so poorly this season that even Jason Kidd is wrinkling his nose in disgust. Last night's 2-for-10 shooting display is becoming waaaaay to familiar for Clippers fans (should that even be plural anymore?). On the season, Davis is 18-for-54 (33 percent), and 5-for-19 (26 percent) from downtown.

Lacktion report: Despite attending last night's Kings game, Chris still delivered on the lacktion:

Nets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson sold a few marked up Air Jordans for a 3.85 trillion.

Rockets-Jazz: With Clutch the Bear's squad back on track, Rick Adelman had the chance to light up several human victory cigars, including a familiar face or two. Brian Cook and Jermaine Taylor each punched a 1.5 trillion on the scorecard, while Pops Mensah-Bonsu fathered a foul for a +1 suck differential in that same timespan (1:29), also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Kings: My second trip to Arco Arena this year produced several figures of forgettability, starting with Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet, who randomly cued up his Arch Rivals cartridge with a foul for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in a 54-second Mario! Teammate Sam Young made a few youthful mistakes out there, bricking and giving up the rock once each while adding two fouls for a +4 in 3:29.

The home team pulled out an overtime victory and Paul Westphal made sure to provide momentum-changing unproductivity from the beginning, with Desmond Mason jarring the ranks of the rich and famous through a stunning somnambulent stint as a starter of 6.65 trillion!!!! Sean May avoided pure lacktion with a basket, only to earn himself a Voskuhl of 5:3 in 9:16 via four fouls and a giveaway against that field goal and an assist.

Update! Bonus Bawful: From NarSARSsist:

You can't blame CP3. After this happened he was never the same again. I don't think any of us would be.

Speaking of the Hornets. Who the f*** is Bobby Brown and why the hell is he playing? With his shooting you might as well count him as good for like 4-5 turnovers a game. It's really sad when your best shooting performance is 4-for-12 for 33.3%. On a related note, his PER is 5.99, good for 248th in the league. That's out of the 291 players that qualified. A...mazing...

Sidenote about the bawfulness of the Nets and Bobcats. They were +8 with Chairman Yi on the court, and -19 with him off the court. That speaks amazing volumes about the two teams. Even a Man Chair plays better than them.

Also bawful: "Guys can't get bored with the process and get frustrated because they're only averaging 13-14 points," said Alston, who shot 1-for-8 filling in at point guard for Harris. "Yeah, that might be your average right now. So what? In the third quarter, it was bad from a team standpoint." Rafer Alston is talking about the team standpoint? This is the same guy who, in a 4-on-2 or 4-on-1 situation last night, opted not to pass to the Man Chair who was under the basket just so he can challenge his man and take it to the hoop...and get his shot swatted by Tyson Chandler.

How sad are the Jazz right now? Last year, about two months into the season, it looked like they had two potential 20/10 guys in an injured Boozeman and the newly flourishing Paperboy. Now it looks like neither of them are that kind of player.

Houston's David Andersen shot 1-for-7 and, by NBA.com standards, had a -3 efficiency points day. He is averaging 5.5 points and 2.5 rebounds per game thus far. Remember back when everyone was all bubbly about this guy's skills and how Daryl Morey's nerd Elvis ways have landed him the center to replace Yao? Yeah, me neither. If you combine his four games, in 51 minutes he would have produced right around what Yao produces in a single game.

Where is the love for Demarre Carroll? The man put up 15 minutes of hard effort to give us a 5:3 Voskhul. Same thing with Brian Cardinal, who put blood and tears into his 13 minute, 4:2 Voskhul performance. They demand to be honored!

Labels: Allen Iverson, Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer, Chris Paul, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, New Orleans Hornets, Tracy McGrady, Utah Jazz

Not in New Orleans, apparently.
The NBA: I guess it wouldn't be the playoffs without a whole bunch of controversy surrounding the officiating, and just think, we're only in the first round! After Tuesday's debacles which had the whole internets all atwitter over the Dwight Howard elbow and Rajon Rondo slap/punch, and the way the refs blew both calls, potentially costing the underdogs in those series the games (and maybe the series); the NBA followed up the reffing snafu with a partial front office snafu. They correctly decided to suspend Dwight Howard for Game 6, sending the message that just cause you punch someone in the head with your elbow, it's still a punch, and still punishable with a suspension (if not an ejection). But then the league office followed that decision up by announcing that Rajon Rondo's foul was just a shooting foul and was not flagrant, sending the message that in crunch time be sure to knock a guy trying to hit a game winner in the head, because that's just smart basketball.

Now, I understand why the NBA felt it had to go this route with the Rondo play, because if they had upgraded it to a flagrant one, it essentially would have been like telling the Bulls "sorry, we blew that one, you probably should have ended up winning that game," and you know the NBA really didn't want to do that. On the other hand, if they'd upgraded the foul to a flagrant two then it would have been like saying "Sorry Bulls, you should have won that last game, but to make up for it, how bout we try to make up for it by unnecessarily suspending one of Boston's best players for the next game?" This is why nobody should be hoping and waiting for the NBA's league offices to clean up the messes a day after the refs make them. Just empower the refs to use instant replay at their discretion so we can avoid these kinds of costly errors.

OK, now on to why the NBA is up for last night's Worst Of. Clearly after this dog and pony show for the press and all us fans, you could tell that the NBA pulled the refs for tonight's game aside and told them to really bring the hammer down on any hard fouls. That's the only explanation for why some rather standard light pushing and staring down of players under the basket in the Heat-Hawks game resulted in four technical fouls, and why a rather innocuous block from Dwyane Wade resulted in a flagrant one foul. You can see the two plays for yourself below, the first one is at the 42-second mark and the second one is at the 59-second mark:


The Miami Heat: With the series tied 2-2 every game is huge, especially Game 5 which determines who is on the verge of advancing to the next round, and who is on the verge of elimination. With that as the backdrop, the Heat came out and got flat out embarrassed, allowing themselves to be outscored in the 2nd quarter 39-20 en route to a 23 point halftime lead that basically turned the second 24 minutes of the game into extended garbage time. The game was so out of hand in the second half that Josh Smith tried a between his legs dunk on a breakway fast break which missed so badly it barely drew iron. Michael Beasley and Dwayne Wade were the only Heat players which really came to play last night, and even they didn't play that great, as Beasley got his 18 points on 5-12 shooting and 23 of Wade's 29 points came in the second half when the game was already basically over.

Josh Smith: From Stotts Era: "Gotta, gotta, gotta give a WOTN to Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks...with the game well in hand for the Hawks, J-Smooth on a breakaway, does up for a dunk in which he passes the ball between his legs!! This is not the dunk contest, Josh. Anyways of course he bricks the dunk and Frattelo says "You wonder if he'll ever learn." Josh Smith, easily the most immature 5 year veteran ever." And here's the video. Go to the 1:30 mark.


Update! Hawks radio announcer Steve Holman of 790 The Zone: (From Larry Brown Sports Via Ball Don't Lie) Last night, Steve redefined homerism in a way that would make Bobby "The Brain" Heenan blush. Key quotes: "You can't foul me when I go to the basket, I have a hurt head. I'm Dwyane Wade. I do commercials." "Look, I'm Dwyane Wade, you can't call that!" and "Oh my goodness, the Heat have resorted to thuggery!"


The New Orleans Hornets: Doesn't it seem like it wasn't too long ago that the Hornets were considered one of the favorites to win the NBA title this year? How quickly things can change. Fresh off the worst playoff defeat in NBA playoffs history (at home, no less), the Hornets ended their season with their fourth defeat in the first round of 15 points or more, losing in Denver 107-86. New Orleans came out wanting to show the world that they hadn't quit, by playing the Nuggets to a tie through the first 30 minutes of the game. Of course, after that valiant effort, the Hornets then went ahead and quit anyway, letting Denver go on a 24-4 run which iced it. Including the playoffs the Hornets finished the year by losing 8 of their last 11 games. This is the first time Denver has advanced to the second round in 15 years and was the first 7-game series the Nuggets had won in almost a quarter of a century.

Chris Paul: It wasn't nearly as bad as the 4 points, 6 assists and 6 turnovers he had in Game 4, but with the hopes of his whole team riding on his back he needed to come up bigger last night than 12 points on 16 shots. He did chip in 10 assists and 6 boards in 46 minutes of play though, and honestly it's tough to fault Paul too much considering the amount of physical abuse he suffered this whole series. It's too bad Paul's team didn't have his back more with all the hits he took at the hands of the Nuggets.

Lacktion report: Even with only two games, Chris was wallowing in lacktivity.

Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire racked up a brick and rejection for a +2 in 5:01, his second straight game with a suck differential!

Atlanta brought out multiple human victory cigars with varying results: Mario West ruined a potential eleven trillion with an assist, but Acie Law laid down a brick from downtown and a giveaway for a +2 in 4:59, while Randolph Morris took a foul and brick for his own +2 in 3:21 (that also notched a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl). And Thomas Gardner raked in a payday of 1.35 trillion!

Hornets-Nuggets: Lacktivity was in abundance in yet another thwacking by Denver, the conclusion to their first playoff series victory in 15 years. First off was Byron Scott's duo of dubiousness, as Julian Wright flew into the ledger with a brick-and-foul +2 in 3:57, while Ryan "Absolutely Not Bruce" Bowen saw his teammate's unproductivity and upped the ante by adding a rejection to his own identical stats for a +3 in 1:38.

Not to be outdone, George Karl sent out several walking embodiments of nicotine to celebrate his first series conquest as Nuggets coach. Jason Hart took one foul for a +1 in 1:37, while Renaldo Balkman scored a Mario 64 (not a true Mario, but a 64 second stint!) with one brick from the steps of the Denver Mint for +1.

The ESPN Playoff Ticker: Several of you loyal 'bawfulites pointed out a little problem with The Network's ability to track series standings. Unless, of course, the first round just got a whole lot longer and nobody told us about it.



Associated Press, unintentionally dirty headline machine: Basketbawful reader Joel P. drew my attention to perhaps the greatest headline in the history of Western Civilization: Girl beats off muggers with marching band baton. Said Joel: "I'm no editor, but unless the editor was living with Borat for the past 20 years, they should have caught this one...plus pondering exactly how one 'beats off' a mugger with a baton is going to occupy my brain for much longer than it should."

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chris Paul, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, officiating

Thanks to Stephanie G, who provided the picture and caption for this post.

"Sorry Kobe, I'm already carrying theHornets franchise, no room for you!"

Labels: Chris Paul, fan submissions, Kobe Bryant, peekaboo

I would have loved this play just as much even if Mamba hadn't been the victim. Okay, not really. But seriously, this is awesome.

Labels: Chris Paul, great moments in inbounding history, Kobe Bryant

The New Orleans bench: Astute readers of this site know that I've had a hairy eyeball on the Hornets' reserves for most of the season, particularly after Jeff Bower "strengthened" the team's bench by trading away Bobby Jackson for Pit Bull and The Bonz. Which, honestly, should have been enough to disqualify Bower from NBA Executive of the Year voting, not a reason for him to finish third.

As the risk of going all Basketball 101 here, the lack of solid and reliable bench play will wear a team down over the course of a long season and extended playoff series (for further reading, see the 1984-85, 1986-87 and 1987-88 Boston Celtics). Because that means the coach is basically asking his starters to log all the big minutes, play great (or at least solid) defense with little rest, withstand various and sundry injuries without time off, carry the rebounding load, and score 80-90 points a game every game for 80-100 games. It's an impossible task, even for the young.

Gregg Popovich knows that, which is why none of his big guns average more than 34 minutes a game. And it doesn't hurt that they play at a pace that's a little easier on the feet, knees, legs and back than what the helter-skelter Suns and Hornets go through. Of course, it helps that he has multiple championships on his resume, which means the Spurs management and owners trust him when he sacrifices some regular season games here or there to save his team from unnecessary wear and tear.

And just check it: Chris Paul played 47 minutes. David West logged 46. Peja was in the game for 44. And Tyson Chandler played 42. Take away Jannero Pargo -- more on him below -- and the New Orleans reserves contributed 1 point (0-for-3), 1 rebound, 1 steal and 2 fouls in nine minutes. Greg Kite could have gotten more done in nine minutes. I mean, at least he would have finished with 6 fouls and probably a couple turnovers.

Fun fact: Bonzi's real name is Gawen Deangelo Wells. The nickname Bonzi originated from the cravings his mother had for ice cream bonbons during her pregnancy with him. (Apparently, he inherited those cravings.) His parents called him "bonbon" until the age of two, when it evolved to what it is today.

The New Orleans Starters: The Hornets were giving me 2001-02 Sacramento Kings flashbacks last night, and it wasn't just the presence of Peja Stojackovic (although he really, really helped). Whether it was fatigue or nerves -- or some combination of the two -- New Orleans' "Fantastic Four" looked like they were afraid of the ball in the fourth quarter.

Peja -- who's been a non-factor since Popovich unleashed Bruce Bowen on him -- shot 3-for-11 from the field and 1-for-5 from downtown, and he even airballed an open three down the stretch. David West finished with 20 and 9, but he boned an open 12-footer, and it was hard to tell whether it was because of a sore back or a tight scrotum. Chris Paul (18 points, 8 rebounds, 14 assists, 5 steals) had an outstanding game, but even he caught a case of don'twannashoottheballitis in the final four minutes or so. And as for Tyson Chandler, well, he's not exactly an offensive option, is he?

Jannero Pargo: Pargs was the only New Orleans player who didn't treat the rock like a hot potato in the fourth quarter. And he went off for 16 points in the final stanza, single-handedly leading the Hornets back from 17 down to within three points. But damn, Jannero...you weren't even letting the ground touch the ball, dog. He was jackin' from the left to the right to the left to the right again. He was not shy. He put up 13 shots in those fateful 12 minutes. And like Ryne from Odenized, I'm not sure whether he was the hero or the goat.


I guess it's like Obi-Wan Kenobi told Luke after Yoda kicked it: Either could be true, depending on your point of view. Which was a pretty slick way of getting out of totally lying to Luke about his father. I've always thought Obi-Wan used the Jedi Mind Trick on Luke in that scene. I mean, it went from "But you told me Vadar betrayed and murdered my father!" to "What I told you was true...from a certain point of view." And Luke just bought it.

Chistastrophe: I don't know who he is, but since he left the following comment, I will let him be the official representative of overreactive Spurs fans everywhere. "I eagerly await whatever bullshit response Basketbawful has for the Spurs resounding victory tonight. Perhaps the Spurs employed some special kind of flop that allows their bench players to drain three pointers. Maybe they flopped so hard it forced CP3 to choke in the biggest game of his life. Or maybe, just maybe, the Spurs are really really good at playing basketball."

Thanks, Chistastrophe, because I myself eagerly await douchey comments from every angry spaz who gets all bent out of shape by one or two posts I make and then freaks out about it. But before the next time you start whining and crying bullshit, do me a favor: Go back and actually read what I have to say. The entire Basketbawful archive is here for your perusal. You show me where, exactly, I ever said the Spurs weren't a good basketball team. Have I ever, anywhere, at any time, ever seriously suggested that the Spurs won four championships through their flop-a-riffic adventures and cheap-shottery? Of course I didn't. You're insane if you think otherwise, and you've got nothing to go on other than your own righteous indignation.

You can't change the fact that, in a league full of floppers, the Spurs are the most flop-tastic. Nor can you change the fact that Tony Parker got outted by his own wife for faking injuries on the court to get calls. You can't pretend the Duncan face doesn't happen over and over and over again every game the Spurs play. Nor can you undo Cheap Shot Rob's thuggary or Bruce Bowen's long, long history of grabbing, elbowing, hitting, kneeing, wacking people in the groin, putting his foot under their feet when they come down from a jump shot, and a thousand other little things that would get his bony ass kicked seven ways to Sunday if it happened anywhere other than on a professional basketball court...where Bruce "Lee" Bowen is protected by the very rules he repeatedly violates.

So honestly, don't blame me for pointing out what's going on right in front of you. I didn't create all that ugliness; I just held a mirror up to it. When Gregg Popovich goes to the Hack-A-Whoever strategy -- which I see as an affront to the sport -- I'm going to point it out. When the Spurs use an array of flops to draw five iffy fouls in three minutes and get the opposing team's two best players in foul trouble in the playoffs where physical play is the rule rather than the exception, I'm going to point it out. When one of their players launches himself directly into the back of an injured player during a 20-point blowout, I'm going to point it out.

Here's the thing: It's not like I'm not making this stuff up. This isn't me saying, "You know how I know the Spurs are gay? Because Robert Horry still has Will Smith's haircut from 1989." These things have happened. It's out there for public consumption. Everybody sees it. Everybody knows about it. No, it doesn't mean that the Spurs don't play smart, fundamental, championship-winning basketball, nor does it change the fact that they are the model any and every team should emulate. But no matter how hard you and other Spurs fans try to rewrite history, all that other stuff is just as much a part of their legacy as all the hardware in their trophy case.

So please, stop ragging on me for pointing that out and ask yourself why you think it's all okay? If winning at any cost is cool with you, then fine. As a fan, that's your choice to make. But if that is, in fact, the case, I can't help but wonder why me shining a flashlight on all the dirty stuff bothers you so much.

Random note: Those of you who claim I never say anything positive about the Spurs or their winning ways obviously didn't ready today's NBA Closer column.

Damon Stoudamire: Anybody else notice he's not even on the Spurs game roster since Game 5?

Update! Charles Barkley: In an effort to get things back on their usual funny track, loyal reader Wild Yams reminded me of something I should have remembered on my own. "I meant to mention earlier that Charles Barkley probably shoulda been included in the WotN for a couple things last night. First for his very unintentionally funny bit with EJ about his gambling. Not only was it just really weird to see those two all alone on the set trying to have a serious moment (especially with Barkley's glaringly white sneakers and socks to go with his suit), but Barkley said he was never going to gamble again, which he immediately clarified to mean 'in the next year or two.' That was priceless, and so was EJ trying to bait him into breaking it by saying 'wanna bet?' Inside the NBA is the wrong place for serious talk like that from the Chuckster, I'm afraid.

"Chuck's second big gaffe was saying that this Laker team is the best one Kobe's ever been on, although him saying that was totally worth it for Webber's fantastic reaction of wanting to walk off the set in disbelief. I love how Barkley shoots from the hip like that and doesn't think through the things he's about to say (see above), because every now and then he'll let fly with a Bill Walton-esque bit of hyperbole like that. God bless Barkley."

Right you are, Mr. Yams. Right you are. Although I'd probably say that Chuck shoots from the lip rather than the hip, but potato, tomato, as Joy Turner might say. Here's his "apology" for gambling:


And here's where he slams his giant, club foot in his mouth about Kobe's "best team":

Labels: bench play, Bruce Bowen, Chris Paul, David West, flopping, New Orleans Hornets, Peja Stojakovic, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Steve Javie, Derrick Stafford, Joe Forte: Sometimes the zebras get it right, sometimes they get it wrong. Very wrong. Such was the case last night in Detroit, when the game clock "froze" long enough for Chauncey Billups to beat the third quarter buzzer with momentum-changing three-pointer.

Here's the official description from the Orlando Sentinal: "The Pistons took the ball out of bounds with 5.1 seconds left, but the clock stopped at 4.8 and again at 4.1 before Billups made the three-point shot. The Magic bench erupted in protest, and officials huddled while TNT replays showed it took 5.22 seconds for the ball to leave Billups' hands, meaning Billups couldn't have gotten the shot off in time. But officials ruled the basket good, and they put .5 of a second back on the clock..."

Thanks to Odenized, we have lots of video evidence of this debacle. Here's the initial brouhaha.


Here are the TNT broadcasters showing the have a greater aptidude than the men who are paid to officiate the game.


And now, the reactions. Surprisingly enough, the Pistons don't seem too broken up about it, but who wants to bet that Rasheed Wallace would have gotten tossed if the same thing had happened to the Pistons?


The league and its stupid rules: Lead official Steve Javie declined comment after the game. But really, what else could he have done? The league's replay rules don't allow the officials to review plays in order to figure out when the shot clock started, should have started, should have stopped, etc. My question is: Why the hell not? If it's permissible to use replay at the end of games to determine whether a shot came before or after the buzzer, why not put in some kind of addendum stating that it can be used in situations like this? We can stuff astronauts into a flying tin can and send it to the moon. We have the technology. Why not, you know, use it?

Here's an interesting question posed by Brazil Thrill's Shot Was Blocked By KG on my NBA Closer column: "So will David Stern force Detroit and Orlando to replay the end of the third quarter and the entire fourth quarter of game two? If he thought a regular season game was important enough to warrant a partial re-match, why not apply the same rule during the playoffs? Or at the very least give Orlando 3 points to start with on game 3." An interesting point, eh? But I doubt Stern will do diddly squat. Because that could possibly get in the way of a Pistons-Celtics or Pistons-LeBron matchup in the Eastern Confernece Finals. Not that I'm conspiracy theorizing or anything...

The Magic's butter fingers: Memo to Stan Van Gundy: Either tell your players not to coat their hands in PAM before the game, or invest in a gross of Stickum. Orlando committed 19 turnovers that were transmogrified into 22 points for the Pistons. Worst of all, 17 of those 19 turnovers were bobbled off the hands of Rashard Lewis (6), Hedo Turkoglu (6) and Dwight Howard (5). A team cannot win if its main men keep gift-wrapping the ball and giving it away like a department store Santa.

The Orlando bench: Here is the sum total of their contribution to last night's game: 4 points on 1-for-7 shooting, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, and 8 fouls in almost 46 minutes. Holy wow, that is bad. And I mean 1986-87 Celtics bench bad.

Rip Hamilton: The Phantom once claimed that he knows whether a shot is going in before he even gets the ball. So why does he ever miss? If it's not going to go in, don't take the shot, right? Apparently not, since he was 4-for-18 last night.

Theo Ratliff: This guy inexplicably started talking trash to Rashard Lewis and the rest of the Magic after Game 1, which seems kind of strange coming from someone who barely ever plays. Did he back it up in Game 2? [Insert laugh track here] Uh, no. The line: zero points, 0-for-1 shooting, 1 rebound, zero assists, 1 blocked shot, 1 foul, 9 minutes. My advice? Zip the lip, Theo.

Walter Herrmann: Mr. Man -- who looks like a poor man's Fabio -- had a one trillion last night.

San Antonio Spurs: They looked good last night...for a half. Then the wheels came off in the third quarter, during which they were outscored 36-18. Frankly, they looked old, slow and wholly incapable of staying in front of the runnin' gunnin' Hornets. It's like the Spurs' methodical, slow-it-down-to-a-snail's-pace methodology finally backfired on them, sort of like people thought it might backfire against the Suns. Experience often overcomes youth, until experience's age falls victim to youth's fresh and tireless legs.

Gregg Popovich was so concerned -- and probably pissed off -- that at one point he yanked the starters (and foul-plagued sixth man Manu Ginobili) in favor of Ime Udoka, Brent Barry, Fabricio Oberto, Robert Horry and Jacque Vaughn. And if that's not a slap to the chops, I don't know what is. But you can't blame him. Duncan had (I think) around 11 points at the time (although he would finish with 18). Tony Parker shot 5-for-14. Michael Finley was 2-for-7. Bruce Bowen was 1-for-7. And Manu Ginobili finished 4-for-10 (he also had a game-high 5 turnovers). You could argue that, had it not been for Brent Barry (14 points, 4-for-5 from three-point range), the Spurs would have been beaten by 30.

Damon Stoudemire: As Basketbawful reader Josh pointed out, Mighty Mouse continued his championship piggyback game with a three trillion. Although it's starting to look like he might have been better off signing with the Hornets.

David West: The man's a straight-up baller, but he needs to leave the taunting on the streets where it belongs. First he punked Dirk Nowitzki -- which was pretty classless, even if it was kind of funny -- and now he's taunting...Fabricio Oberto?! That's really not necessary. (Video from Odenized.)


Reggie Miller: Reggie continues his assault on verbiosity, uh, verbalism, er, wordiology...forget it. I've been listening to Reggie too much, apparently. As Deadspin reader Tubesteak Terrorist pointed out: "According to Reggie Miller last night, David West is 'ambidextrious.'"

And there's more, this time from Rob of BigDiction.net: "Ha. No more than 6 minutes into the Spurs Hornets game Monday after a Peja three-pointer: Kevin Harlan says 'And he has been shooting at a 60% clip this postseason!,' to which Reggie Miller replies 'And that's a big plus for him.' No shit, Reggie. No shit."

And here's some retroctive Reggie from last weekend, courtesy of Basketbawful reader Nick: "In Hornets-Spurs Game 1, they had to delay the game because after Hugo the Hornet jumped through a ring of fire they couldn't put out the fire and had to use extinguishers. After they resumed play, the players were falling on the court because of the remains. Reggie Miller had this to say: 'The official is calling for the crew to come out because the players are slippering all over.' That's funny in itself, but then I looked up the word slippering. A slippering is a metonymical term for the act of smacking the buttocks, or the hands, with a slipper as a form of corporal punishment." I...really don't know what to say. Other than: Thanks for the mammaries, Reggie.

SI.com: Basketbawful reader MC Welk thinks the caption writers for the Sports Illustrated Web site are a little confused about who the Lakers are playing right now. "Lakers did a good job of getting past the Suns (right, SI?)."

The ESPN Scoreboard: Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes things that the ESPN scoreboard is almost as confused as Reggie Miller. Note how the Spurs spotted the Hornets an extra 5 points during halftime.


Then they upped it to 8 points, just for kicks.


Then the math started to go a little fuzzy. As Mr. Flakes put it: "I didn't know that 23 + 20 + 0 = 49." Me neither. But then, I failed 3rd grade math. Damn multiplication tables...


The Lakers medical staff: What are these guys doing? Practicing leechcraft? As Basketbawful reader Shrugz put it: "Wasn't Andrew Bynum supposed to be out for 2-4 weeks...in February?" Yup. Now he's out for the rest of the season. Nice. Worst medical staff ever. (Of course, that cranky knee didn't keep Andy from getting jiggy wit' it at a UCLA frat party...)

Labels: bench play, Chris Paul, David West, Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, New Orleans Hornets, officiating, Orlando Magic, Reggie Miller, Rip Hamilton, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

This photo was submitted by Basketbawful reader Nick. And here we thought last night's loss couldn't have been any more painful for Dirk...


Update! As anne points out: "Well apparently Chris wasn't too grossed out by touching it as he and Dirk had some serious man love going on after the game (from dallasnews.com). Ironically enough, my word verification was 'petyr,' hee hee."

Labels: Chris Paul, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, nutshots

For the most part, I've been trying to stay out of the MVP debate. What's the point? I mean, it sure seems like the field has been effectively narrowed down to Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant, with the edge going to the player whose team finishes on top of the Western Conference dogpile. I could make a reasonably educated bargument for or against either player, but regardless of the outcome, I won't dispute the final results. After all, CP3 and Mamba are (more or less) equally deserving.

Of course, neither of them is really the league MVP.

NBA experts and fans who think otherwise are either delusional or kidding themselves. The Most Valuable Player -- with an emphasis on the word "Valuable" -- of the 2007-08 NBA regular season was, is, and will always be Kevin Garnett. And frankly, it shouldn't even be in question.

The Boston Celtics have won 65 games so far this season. They won 24 last year. For those who enjoy simple math, that's a 41-game turnaround. Think about that for a minute: 41 games. Go take a look at the current standings: 15 teams -- a full half of the league -- haven't won 41 games this season. If that doesn't boggle your mind, then you, my friend, are truly unboggleable.

But this is more than just a one-season renaissance. It has been the complete and total rebirth of the proudest franchise in league history. It's not like the Celtics have merely suffered a couple sub-par seasons -- like, say, the Lakers -- they've been bad for a while. In fact, the Celtics have suffered more than any other team in the past 20 years. No, seriously.

KG changed the culture of the franchise. He made them winners again. That's not to demean the contributions of Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, or the rest of the team (especially Rajon Rondo, who spent the preseason being compared to Matt Maloney). But seriously, look at the facts. Allen has been good (17.6 PPG, 3.7 RPG, 3.1 APG), but not great (44 percent shooting from the field, 39 percent from three). Likewise for Pierce. But forget the numbers. Look at the way they've been playing defense. Critics of the Ray Allen trade -- and I was one of them -- cited Ray-Ray's biggest defensive liability: Namely, that he didn't play any. Not so this season. And Pierce has been going balls-out on D, too. All the Celtics have. And this is an absolute certainty: That intensity begins and ends with Garnett.

Say what you will about his inability to score in the clutch or his history of playoff frustration in Minnesota. I don't care, because that's all in the past. His spirit, his drive, his electrifying presence have revitalized a franchise that's been dead for the better part of two decades. Why aren't people freaking out about this? Why is "the greatest single-season turnaround in NBA history" not enough?

Honestly? Probably because the Celtics were the exciting early-season story, and the Western Conference Playoff Race* has been the dominant late-season story. Hey, our society has an incurable case of Attention Deficit Disorder. But you know, this isn't the first time this has happened. It's not even the first time it's happened to a Celtic.

*Don't give me the "West is Best" argument, either. The Celtics were 25-5 against Western Conference teams this season, including season sweeps of the Lakers, Mavericks, Rockets and Spurs. And three of those losses -- to the Nuggets, Warriors, and Suns -- came right after KG returned from injury and the team was trying to readjust to his presence.

Let's go back to those golden days of 1980. Larry Bird had revived a Boston team that had won 29 games the previous season, and only 32 games the season before that. At the time, that was the worst two-year stretch the Celtics had suffered since the pre-Auerbach days. Worse, Celtic Pride has sunk to an all-time low, thanks to the malignant presence of locker room cancers like Bob McAdoo, Curtis Rowe, and Marvin Barnes.

Bird changed all that, and he did it largely by himself (with some help from new coach Bill Fitch). After all, this was basically the same team from the previous season (Robert Parish was still a Golden State Warrior, and Kevin McHale was a Minnesota Golden Gopher). Bird breathed new life into vets like Dave Cowens and Tiny Archibald, both of whom a lot of experts thought were finished. The Celtics won 61 games that season, the most in the league. That 32-game improvement was, at the time, the greatest turnaround in league history. Yet he finished fourth in MVP voting behind Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Julius Erving and George Gervin.

It was and still is preposterous. The Lakers had won 60 games, but that was only a 13-game improvement from the previous season, and they had added Magic Johnson. And Kareem's numbers were only marginally better than Bird's: 24.8 PPG to 21.3, 10.8 RPG to 10.4, and they both averaged 4.5 APG. But the number that should have counted most went Larry's way: Franchises saved (1).

Dr. J's Sixers improved from 47 to 59 games, but they were an established team that had been to the NBA Finals in 1977. And anyway, they lost the Atlantic Division race to Bird's back-from-the-dead Celtics. Meanwhile, the Iceman led the league in scoring (33.1 PPG), but his Spurs won only 41 games...a seven-game dropoff from the previous season.

Bird was the most valuable player in 1980, just like Garnett is the most valuable player in 2008. Kobe might win the hardware, or maybe it'll be Chris Paul. And they've earned it. But not more than KG.

Sidenote: I probably should have mentioned this above, but as Wild Yams correctly points out, KG would probably be a shoe-in if he hadn't won the MVP in 2004. But there's a sense among the media and fans that he already "got his," where as the other candidates -- Kobe, Paul, and maybe even LeBron -- are still without hardware. Yams is right when he says, for good or ill, that plays a factor in the MVP voting.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chris Paul, Dr. J, George Gervin, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, MVP, New Orleans Hornets

Chris Webber's retirement: Watching him shuffle up and down the court for only nine games and then disappear indefinitely when his troublesome left knee started acting up again sure made it seem like this was The End, but now it's officially official: Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III has retired from the NBA. I'm not going to say that Webber was one of the greatest power forwards of all time -- in my book, he's way down the list behind guys like Karl Malone, Tim Duncan, Kevin McHale, Charles Barkley, and Bob Pettit, just to name a few -- nor am I going to discuss his stats (20.7 PPG, 9.8 RPG, 4.2 APG in 15 seasons) or his accomplishments (Rookie of the Year, five All-Star appearances, four inclusions on the All-NBA First or Second Team). But he was, without question, a fantastic player who enjoyed a long and dramatic career.

More than that, though, he was special to me in a very real and personal sense. I got to watch him play twice during his final year at Michigan, and the beginning of his professional career just so happened to coincide with the halcyon days during which my NBA fanaticism and naiveté was probably at its peak. Basketball players were still like superheroes to me, and even plain old regular season games seemed to carry heavy meaning, not just in the standings but in the game of life (thanks in part to those theatrical intros Bob Costas did for The NBA on NBC). Some of my most treasured college memories involve sitting around my dorm room and watching games on a 13-inch TV with my roommate and best friend, and Chris Webber is part of those memories. We saw Webber throw down his behind-the-back dunk on Sir Charles as it happened, and we also watched it live when Barkley got his 56-point, 14-rebound revenge in the playoffs. The NBA was never more fun for me, either before or since.

So while I'm glad it's over -- because it was pretty obvious that Webber was finished -- I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss him: The hook shots, the passes, the drama. It kind of feels like another part of my youth just disappered forever.

Chris Webber's reason for retirement: In Webber's own words: "Rehab is so hard. So monotonous, so boring. I really didn't want to try to rehab and come back this season because I don't think that's possible." And doesn't that statement just sort of epitomize the most frustrating aspect of Webber's career? The idea that there was more there and he simply didn't have the heart and/or strength of will to make it happen. Maybe rehabbing the absolute living hell out of his knee wouldn't have changed anything, but mabye it would have...? But we'll never know. Just like we'll never know whether the 2001-02 Sacramento Kings might have won the title if only Webber wouldn't have gotten a case of the yips during all the close games. Sometimes playing The What If Game can be fun. But as it pertains to Webber and his career, it's just painful. And kind of depressing.

Phoenix Suns: How do you shoot 56 percent as a team and lose by 20? Well, you must 1. let your opponent shoot 52 percent, 2. get outrebounded 41-27 (including 17-4 on the offensive glass), and 3. commit 21 turnovers. Unfortunately for the Phoenix Suns, they did all three of those things, and they did it against the best team in the league. And the Celtics really don't give up that kind of margin of error.

Shaq versus Pat Riley: Ever notice how often Shaq always gets in these little Quote Feuds with former coaches and teammates? The latest War of the Words came after Shaq made the following statement about his new home in the Valley of the Sun: "I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again." Of course, these comments only served to depress old Sad Sack Riley. "It's sad that he says those things. We shared so much here, together, for three years, good and bad, 3 1/2 years. I just think it's sad that he's got to do that." Sadder than making Shaq spend his golden years playing alongside Ricky Davis and Mark Blount? I don't think so, Riles. When told of Riley's response, The Big Expletive-slinger said, "I don't give a shit how he interpreted it." After being reminded that the reporters couldn't use that quote because he cussed, Shaq said, "Sure you can. You can quote me, brother. You can put an 's,' then the tic-tac-toe, the 'at' sign and then the other symbols." He may no longer be the MDE, but he is and will always be the MQE (Most Quotable Ever).

Sam Cassell: He worked like hell all season to make it to Boston, and now...he's not playing so well. Sam-I-Am scored only 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting in only six minutes of PT last night. His field goal percentage has dropped from 45 percent to 33 percent since joining the Celtics, and his PER has plummetted from 16.9 to 4.8. Boston signed him to be a backup, and he says he's fine with it, but Cassell has always and will always work best as a big-minute player. So right now, his impact on the team is negligible at best.

Chicago Bulls: Ouch. I bet their prostate is pretty sore today.

Larry Hughes: The line: 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. I guess he's jealous of how poorly Wally Szczerbiak has been playing for the Cavs. After all, wrecking Cleveland's season has been his job the last couple years, and that has to be like watching somebody else not satisfy your ex-wife in bed, only he had really cool hair. Or something.

Drew Gooden: Remember all that smack Gooden was talking after Tuesday night's 31-point, 16-rebound performance against the Hawks? Well, here's a sample: "I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes. I believe that I can do it all.'' He also hinted that LeBron James had been holding him back in Cleveland. Well, one night later, Mr. "I can do it all" didn't do much of anything, scoring 2 points (0-for-5), grabbing 8 rebounds, and committing 3 turnovers against the 76ers. And that thud you just heard was Gooden crashing back down to earth.

Chris Paul's nicknaming skills: Last night, after David West hit a long jumper to bury the Cavaliers, Paul dubbed West "The 17-foot assassin." That nickname is both awesome and terrifying, for reasons I choose not to put into words. But if West is forced to retire early due to some catastrophic injury, it sounds like he has a pretty promising future in the porn industry.

John Hollinger: I can't let this go for some reason. As I keep repeating like an annoying broken record, Hollinger used his PER numbers to "prove" that the trade that brought Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, and Joe Smith to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. Last night, the big timers combined for 12 points (6-for-18), 8 rebounds, 5 assists, 6 turnovers, and 1 DNP-CD (for Wallace). And those numbers are pretty consistent with what we've seen out of that bunch since the trade. Not exactly big-time, is it?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: After losing to the Toronto Raptors, Billups had these things to say: "We're coming down the home stretch now, 11 games left. You want to start playing with some consistency. Our thing is not the division or the East. Our thing is the whole thing. That's the way we think." First off, it's usually a bad idea to wait until the last 11 games to start working on your consistency. Second, I'm all for thinking big, but looking past opponents has been one of the Pistons' biggest problems over the last couple seasons. You'd think their leader would want to address that, you know?

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they beat the Pistons (who were without Rip Hamilton), but what's up with putting T.J. Ford back into the starting lineup? The guy's been pouting and sulking for weeks. When did we start rewarding players for bad behavior? Uh, last night, I guess. Supposedly, Jose Calderon volunteered to return to the bench for the good of the team and coach Sam Mitchell allowed it. Frankly, I don't care that they won. This is a bad idea. Calderon is the best PG for this team, and Mitchell should have insisted he remain in the starting lineup. I don't see this ending well. But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

Miami versus New York: This was maybe the second-best game of the night, behind the Hornets/Cavs game. But on the other hand, seeing the Knicks struggle to end their seven-game home losing streak against a team that had to sign a mind-boggling eight D-Leaguers just to fill out their roster is kind of sad.

Tim Thomas: He went scoreless (0-for-4) in over 35 minutes of lack-tion. He is almost seven feet tall, right? Just checking.

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: After leading his team to victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, T-Mac let us in on the clutchtastic inner workings of his superstar mind: "The fourth quarter, usually the best player has got to step up and lead the team. I just couldn't afford for us to lose this game, so I had to impose my will on it." Okay, okay. Good stuff. But I'd save a little of that brain juice for the playoffs if I were you.

San Antonio Spurs: After seeing how Luis Scola has been playing lately -- he had 18 points and 18 rebounds last night -- do you think they ever feel a slight pang of regret? Because they should. They really should.

Sacramento Kings: They barely escaped with a 107-106 overtime victory over the Memphis Grizzlies. At home. I know they suffered a lot of injuries earlier this season, but everybody looks healthy to me. So what's the excuse now? [Insert "Any NBA team can beat any other NBA team" quote here.]

Los Angeles Lakers: This game looked like such a gimme on paper that I didn't think twice about it before I saw the final score: Bobcats 108, Lakers 95. And the game was played in L.A.? Holy Schnikies. Bad loss. It dropps the Lakers into a tie (with the Rockets and Spurs) for the second-best record in the Western Conference, one full game behind the New Orleans Hornets. And if you thought the Hornets would be leading the West this late in the season, you're a damn, dirty liar. Tell me Chris Paul doesn't deserve some serious MVP consideration.

Kobe Bryant: He got burned by Jason Richardson (34 points, 10 rebounds) and then got ejected late in the fourth quarter for bitching about a foul call. His league-leading technical foul total is now at 15...just one away from an automatic one-game suspension. Mind you, Mamba's two technicals came in a 29-second span of the fourth quarter after the game has been pretty much decided (the 'Cats were leading 100-86 with 3:40 to play). Kind of a pointless and careless thing to do, all things considered. Especially if he ends up with another technical and a suspension. The Lakers can't afford that right now. There's too much at stake.

Phil Jackson, quote machine: You can almost always count on Phil to spout a little gibberish after a game, especially when his team loses. Last night was no exception. "Well, I may look like I'm here to explain something, but I have nothing to explain. I can't explain it, so don't ask me any questions. It just looked like we were out of character, tremendously out of character, in more ways than one --irrational play at times, inconsistent at best, but just some poor judgments, poor decisions." When a reporter asked him about Kobe's ejection, he just smiled and left the interview room.

Update! Funny yet inexplicable headline: In a comment on my NBA Closer column, Brazil Thrill noted the following amusing headline ESPN ran for the Pacers/Nets game:


I mean, "Harris, Nets pour it on Pacers from several angles"? That sounds more than just vaguely suggestive, don't you think?

Update! Indiana Pacers: Basketbawful reader Carlo called me out on this omission, and he was right. "You forgot to mention how the Pacers let Josh Boone score 26 points against them. or how they let Vince grab 14 boards! Hell, you should mention how they let the NETS score 124 on them! And these guys are fighting for a playoff spot? Pathetic." Don't forget Devin Harris and his career-high 15 assists. Yeah. You're right. Pathetic. [Basketbawful sheds a tear for his home-state Pacers]

Update! Charlott's technical foul shooting: Basketbawful reader Wild Yams pointed the following out: "Speaking of technicals, the Bobcats technical FT shooting should probably get some mention, since they missed all three of them last night. I can't remember ever before seeing a team get three tech FTs only to miss them all." Jeez. I can't either. I mean, your best freethrower gets to shoot them, right? They didn't sign Chris Dudley to a 10-day contract did they?

Update! Andrew Bogut's "hive-five" party: I've seen some sad things in my life, many of which involved toxic amounts of alcohol and wizard costumes. Don't ask. But this may indeed be the saddest of them all -- Andrew Bogut high-fiving himself after a freethrow. Thanks to loyal reader Farfa for the double-eyeball. Warning: Your funny bone might not be ready for this.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Paul, Chris Webber, John Hollinger, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Toronto Raptors, Tracy McGrady

The following video was passed along to me by eagle-eyed Basketbawful reader Andrew K. Look very, very closely at the score box...


More candy for your funny bone from Mr. K: "Also, a great quote from Walt Frazier tonight: 'When I first saw (Chris) Paul, I didn't like his body. Too much weight around the hips.'" Simple question with a "no" answer: Should Walt really be checking out another man's hip fat? No.

Labels: Chris Paul, fan submissions, New Orleans Hornets, Walt Frazier