The New Orleans bench: Astute readers of this site know that I've had a hairy eyeball on the Hornets' reserves for most of the season, particularly after Jeff Bower "strengthened" the team's bench by trading away Bobby Jackson for Pit Bull and The Bonz. Which, honestly, should have been enough to disqualify Bower from NBA Executive of the Year voting, not a reason for him to finish third.

As the risk of going all Basketball 101 here, the lack of solid and reliable bench play will wear a team down over the course of a long season and extended playoff series (for further reading, see the 1984-85, 1986-87 and 1987-88 Boston Celtics). Because that means the coach is basically asking his starters to log all the big minutes, play great (or at least solid) defense with little rest, withstand various and sundry injuries without time off, carry the rebounding load, and score 80-90 points a game every game for 80-100 games. It's an impossible task, even for the young.

Gregg Popovich knows that, which is why none of his big guns average more than 34 minutes a game. And it doesn't hurt that they play at a pace that's a little easier on the feet, knees, legs and back than what the helter-skelter Suns and Hornets go through. Of course, it helps that he has multiple championships on his resume, which means the Spurs management and owners trust him when he sacrifices some regular season games here or there to save his team from unnecessary wear and tear.

And just check it: Chris Paul played 47 minutes. David West logged 46. Peja was in the game for 44. And Tyson Chandler played 42. Take away Jannero Pargo -- more on him below -- and the New Orleans reserves contributed 1 point (0-for-3), 1 rebound, 1 steal and 2 fouls in nine minutes. Greg Kite could have gotten more done in nine minutes. I mean, at least he would have finished with 6 fouls and probably a couple turnovers.

Fun fact: Bonzi's real name is Gawen Deangelo Wells. The nickname Bonzi originated from the cravings his mother had for ice cream bonbons during her pregnancy with him. (Apparently, he inherited those cravings.) His parents called him "bonbon" until the age of two, when it evolved to what it is today.

The New Orleans Starters: The Hornets were giving me 2001-02 Sacramento Kings flashbacks last night, and it wasn't just the presence of Peja Stojackovic (although he really, really helped). Whether it was fatigue or nerves -- or some combination of the two -- New Orleans' "Fantastic Four" looked like they were afraid of the ball in the fourth quarter.

Peja -- who's been a non-factor since Popovich unleashed Bruce Bowen on him -- shot 3-for-11 from the field and 1-for-5 from downtown, and he even airballed an open three down the stretch. David West finished with 20 and 9, but he boned an open 12-footer, and it was hard to tell whether it was because of a sore back or a tight scrotum. Chris Paul (18 points, 8 rebounds, 14 assists, 5 steals) had an outstanding game, but even he caught a case of don'twannashoottheballitis in the final four minutes or so. And as for Tyson Chandler, well, he's not exactly an offensive option, is he?

Jannero Pargo: Pargs was the only New Orleans player who didn't treat the rock like a hot potato in the fourth quarter. And he went off for 16 points in the final stanza, single-handedly leading the Hornets back from 17 down to within three points. But damn, Jannero...you weren't even letting the ground touch the ball, dog. He was jackin' from the left to the right to the left to the right again. He was not shy. He put up 13 shots in those fateful 12 minutes. And like Ryne from Odenized, I'm not sure whether he was the hero or the goat.


I guess it's like Obi-Wan Kenobi told Luke after Yoda kicked it: Either could be true, depending on your point of view. Which was a pretty slick way of getting out of totally lying to Luke about his father. I've always thought Obi-Wan used the Jedi Mind Trick on Luke in that scene. I mean, it went from "But you told me Vadar betrayed and murdered my father!" to "What I told you was true...from a certain point of view." And Luke just bought it.

Chistastrophe: I don't know who he is, but since he left the following comment, I will let him be the official representative of overreactive Spurs fans everywhere. "I eagerly await whatever bullshit response Basketbawful has for the Spurs resounding victory tonight. Perhaps the Spurs employed some special kind of flop that allows their bench players to drain three pointers. Maybe they flopped so hard it forced CP3 to choke in the biggest game of his life. Or maybe, just maybe, the Spurs are really really good at playing basketball."

Thanks, Chistastrophe, because I myself eagerly await douchey comments from every angry spaz who gets all bent out of shape by one or two posts I make and then freaks out about it. But before the next time you start whining and crying bullshit, do me a favor: Go back and actually read what I have to say. The entire Basketbawful archive is here for your perusal. You show me where, exactly, I ever said the Spurs weren't a good basketball team. Have I ever, anywhere, at any time, ever seriously suggested that the Spurs won four championships through their flop-a-riffic adventures and cheap-shottery? Of course I didn't. You're insane if you think otherwise, and you've got nothing to go on other than your own righteous indignation.

You can't change the fact that, in a league full of floppers, the Spurs are the most flop-tastic. Nor can you change the fact that Tony Parker got outted by his own wife for faking injuries on the court to get calls. You can't pretend the Duncan face doesn't happen over and over and over again every game the Spurs play. Nor can you undo Cheap Shot Rob's thuggary or Bruce Bowen's long, long history of grabbing, elbowing, hitting, kneeing, wacking people in the groin, putting his foot under their feet when they come down from a jump shot, and a thousand other little things that would get his bony ass kicked seven ways to Sunday if it happened anywhere other than on a professional basketball court...where Bruce "Lee" Bowen is protected by the very rules he repeatedly violates.

So honestly, don't blame me for pointing out what's going on right in front of you. I didn't create all that ugliness; I just held a mirror up to it. When Gregg Popovich goes to the Hack-A-Whoever strategy -- which I see as an affront to the sport -- I'm going to point it out. When the Spurs use an array of flops to draw five iffy fouls in three minutes and get the opposing team's two best players in foul trouble in the playoffs where physical play is the rule rather than the exception, I'm going to point it out. When one of their players launches himself directly into the back of an injured player during a 20-point blowout, I'm going to point it out.

Here's the thing: It's not like I'm not making this stuff up. This isn't me saying, "You know how I know the Spurs are gay? Because Robert Horry still has Will Smith's haircut from 1989." These things have happened. It's out there for public consumption. Everybody sees it. Everybody knows about it. No, it doesn't mean that the Spurs don't play smart, fundamental, championship-winning basketball, nor does it change the fact that they are the model any and every team should emulate. But no matter how hard you and other Spurs fans try to rewrite history, all that other stuff is just as much a part of their legacy as all the hardware in their trophy case.

So please, stop ragging on me for pointing that out and ask yourself why you think it's all okay? If winning at any cost is cool with you, then fine. As a fan, that's your choice to make. But if that is, in fact, the case, I can't help but wonder why me shining a flashlight on all the dirty stuff bothers you so much.

Random note: Those of you who claim I never say anything positive about the Spurs or their winning ways obviously didn't ready today's NBA Closer column.

Damon Stoudamire: Anybody else notice he's not even on the Spurs game roster since Game 5?

Update! Charles Barkley: In an effort to get things back on their usual funny track, loyal reader Wild Yams reminded me of something I should have remembered on my own. "I meant to mention earlier that Charles Barkley probably shoulda been included in the WotN for a couple things last night. First for his very unintentionally funny bit with EJ about his gambling. Not only was it just really weird to see those two all alone on the set trying to have a serious moment (especially with Barkley's glaringly white sneakers and socks to go with his suit), but Barkley said he was never going to gamble again, which he immediately clarified to mean 'in the next year or two.' That was priceless, and so was EJ trying to bait him into breaking it by saying 'wanna bet?' Inside the NBA is the wrong place for serious talk like that from the Chuckster, I'm afraid.

"Chuck's second big gaffe was saying that this Laker team is the best one Kobe's ever been on, although him saying that was totally worth it for Webber's fantastic reaction of wanting to walk off the set in disbelief. I love how Barkley shoots from the hip like that and doesn't think through the things he's about to say (see above), because every now and then he'll let fly with a Bill Walton-esque bit of hyperbole like that. God bless Barkley."

Right you are, Mr. Yams. Right you are. Although I'd probably say that Chuck shoots from the lip rather than the hip, but potato, tomato, as Joy Turner might say. Here's his "apology" for gambling:


And here's where he slams his giant, club foot in his mouth about Kobe's "best team":

Labels: bench play, Bruce Bowen, Chris Paul, David West, flopping, New Orleans Hornets, Peja Stojakovic, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Robert Horry: The more things change, the more they don't. Around this time last year, Cheap Shot Rob thugged Steve Nash and set off a chain of events that will haunt the Phoenix Suns franchise forever. Now, did Horry know that Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw were going to jump off the Suns bench to see what happened to their fallen teammate? Of course not. But Horry did know that he was delivering a much-harder-than-necessary foul after the outcome of the game had already been decided. The only point of taking Nash out at that moment was, well, taking Nash out.

It was the same deal last night. There were still 10 minutes left in the game, but the Spurs were leading by 21 and the Hornets -- with the exception of Chris Paul -- were going down rather quietly. But that's when Horry chose to strike, setting a pick that literally took David West out of the game. Here's the video from Odenized.


Now, some people immediately dismissed the play as a "hard foul" and/or "playoff basketball." And to those people I say: Shenanigans. Horry measured West and gave him a shot right in the lower back. Horry knew West's back was injured. Everybody knew West's back was injured. It was a textbook example of a cheap shot.

Look, I've played a lot of basketball over the years, both organized and not-so-organized. Stuff like that doesn't happen by accident. It just doesn't. And if you think otherwise, then you're fooling yourself. Horry measured West and gave him a really hard -- and clearly illegal, since it resulted in an offensive foul -- shot into a part of West's body that was known to be injured. Did Horry intend to take West out of the game, or even incapacitate him for Game 7? Probably not. But that barely makes the act any less senseless. And whether he meant for it to happen or not, there's a pretty good likelihood that West will be far from 100 percent for Game 7. Which is a pretty good tradeoff for a simple offensive foul, isn't it?

And for those of you who are inevitably going to defend Mr. Cheap Shot, go ahead and answer this question in your defense: How would you react if you were playing pickup basketball and somebody purposely took a shot at your injured back/knee/ankle/whatever? Would you laugh it off as just a good, hard basketball play? Or would you want to strangle the guy?

Evil Ted's take: "After watching the Horry incident in regular and slow motion, I told Basketbawful that it looked mild, and that West shouldn't be playing professional basketball if his back can't sustain a hit like that. Of course, with each passing moment, I had to add preface after preface to my opinion. First, with West's pre-existing back condition, it makes the hit far more nefarious -- a true 'Sweep the leg' Cobra Kai moment. Second, if the hit had ever been issued to a bad-back-plagued Larry Bird and he went down, I would want blood and lots of it. Third, the hit illustrates the true subtle genius of the Spurs.

"They play basketball nowadays about as 'dirty' as any team in the league, but no casual basketball observer (that includes NBA officials, whom I now consider 'casual basketball observers,' by the way) could ever quite put a finger on what the Spurs are doing. From Ginobli flopping to the Duncan face to the Parker Oscar nominations to the Bowen foot defense to the Horry picks...every questionable thing the Spurs do must be analyzed in slow motion from ten different angles to determine whether there was intent or chicanery on a given play. No other team in the league has come close to perfecting this subtlety. It is very clear most of the time when other teams in the league are playing dirty -- they know nothing but shoving, clotheslining, punching, elbowing, kicking, etc. Many of us may despise the Spurs, but give them this: They have 100% perfected playing "their style" within the constraints of the league's rules and the officials' perceptions.

Historical precedent: Hey, Evil Ted: You might want to avoid this one for fear of the resulting bloodlust. Chuck Person put a hard pick straight into Larry Bird's achy-breaky back in Game 5 of the 1991 first round series between the Pacers and Celtics. Everybody knew what Person had done, but it was "only" a foul, right? Boston still won that game and moved on to the second round, but Person's cheap shot set off back spasms that were bad enough to force Bird to miss the first game of the Celtics' second round series with the Pistons. Not coincidentally, Boston lost that game.

Flopfest '08: Last night's game was competitive until the all-important third quarter, then everything fell apart for the Hornets. In a one minute, five second span, Chris Paul got called for two offensive fouls -- his third and fourth personals of the game -- and David West got numbers two and three, which were followed a couple minutes later by number four. All of a sudden, the Hornets were in foul trouble and the Spurs were rolling out to a huge lead. Game, set, match.

And, naturally, some of those critical fouls came courtesy of San Antonio's ongoing flopstravaganza. The NBA: Where The World Cup happens.


Mark Jackson: Shame on Action Jackson for repeatedly defending the Spurs' flop-a-thon. I wonder how he'd feel if he was playing or coaching against the Spurs in this situation?

David West: Even before Horry took him out, you could tell West just didn't have it. He had 10 points on 4-for-14 shooting, and both his mobility and ability to mix it up in the paint were limited. But that's pretty much what happens when somebody plays basketball with a bad back.

Peja Stojakovic: He scored 13 points on 5-for-10 shooting, which isn't terrible...unless you consider that, with West already hurting, the Hornets absolutely needed him to have a great game. But Peja has been almost entirely taken out of this series by Bowen's defense. Which is hard to believe, given Peja's rich history of playoff success. [/sarcasm]

Morris Peterson: The "fifth starter" for the Hornets, Mo Pete provided a listless performance: 3 points, 1-for-5 shooting, 6 rebounds, 2 assists. And in case you didn't realize this, New Orleans needs a solid contribution from every starter because of...

The New Orleans bench: Other than Julian Wright (8 points, 4-for-8), the Hornets got no significant contributions off the bench. Jannero Pargo (2 points, 1-for-6, zero assists), Bonzi Wells (zero points, 0-for-3), and Melvin Ely (5 points, 1-for-3) were awful. It's never good when you have to get 80-90 points out of your starting five every game, but that's where the Hornets are right now.

Road teams: They are now 1-20 in the second round. And counting.

Labels: bench play, David West, officiating, Peja Stojakovic, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

man region (man re'-juhn) noun. The male genital area, consisting of a penis, scrotum, and (in most cases) two testicles.

Usage example: Nothing hurts quite like getting hit in the man region.

Word History: Beefy McManstick. Fandangled Mandangler. Longrod Von Hugenstein. Rodzilla. The Schlongmaster 2000. Zamboni Baloney. So many ways to refer to a man's Love Truncheon, so few of which can be used on national television. Broadcasters usually just say something insufferably lame like "he had the wind knocked out of him" or "he's shaken up." But now, thanks to the legendary Reggie Miller, we have a real option.

On January 31, 2008 -- also known as "last Thursday" -- Miller coined the phrase during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." Go ahead and listen to the exchange. It will make your dad finally respect you. We promise.


Fan-tastic Extra: Since I love you all -- even the misguided Lakers fans -- here's a picture of Karl Malone postmarking a kick to Robert Horry's man region. The Mailman always delivered!

Another "clutch shot" for Robert Horry.

Labels: balls, Karl Malone, nutshots, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Word of the Day

I'm currently writing an impassioned plea to the Suns to stop sucking -- and yes, a 24-10 team can and does suck -- but in the meantime, here's a brief Worst of the Night post with a little something extra: What is possibly the worst and most bizarre Larry Bird commercial of all time (as previously discovered by Matt Watson of the AOL Fanhouse).

This commercial was apparently shot in 1982. Nothing really made sense back then: Parachute pants, friendship pins, wacky wallcrawlers, jelly shoes, the fact that men actually wanted to see Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini. But even stranger than any of those things is the fact that Larry Joe Bird, the Hick from French Lick, endorsed French designer jeans. Anybody who knows anything about Larry Bird knows that the only "designer" jeans he would have worn in the 80s would have been a pair of Wranglers. Maybe.

I also found it exceedingly strange that Bird barely even appears in the commercial. Now, I'm not a French designer jean commercial expert, but I do know this: If I'm paying money to film a commercial starring Larry Bird, that commercial is actually going to star Larry Bird. After watching it 20 times or so, I'm not convinced Larry even realized he was in a commercial. He was probably just hanging out at the local arcade in his French designer jeans, playing with his basketball and watching girls ride around on their roller skates...you know, just like everybody else in the 80s was doing. The commercial just kind of got shot around him. Seriously. I have to believe that.

Worst of the Night

Denver Nuggets Defense: The Nuggets are, amazingly, the eighth best team in the league in field goal percentage allowed (44.4). That fact is even harder to believe after the way the Suns shot against them last night (53.8). The Suns scored 46 points in the first quarter en route to a 137-points sandblasting of the hapless Nuggets. I'm not a mathematalogist -- in fact, I still count on my fingers -- but even I know you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Boris Diaw: On a night in which it seemed like every single Suns player had it going, Diaw still sucked, scoring 4 points (on 2-for-8 shooting) and almost fouling out. Seriously, someone needs to go to Diaw's house and check his basement for body snatcher pods.

San Antonio Spurs defense: The Spurs are the third-best team in the league in terms of PPG allowed (92.5), yet last night they surrendered 130 points to the Warriors. Sure, it was an overtime game, but the Warriors still had 112 points by the end of regulation. As I might have mentioned before, you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Fun fact: This kind of shocked me, but the Spurs are only 21st in the league in field goal percentage defense (45.7), which is barely better than the Heat (45.8) and Warriors (also 45.8). The fact that they're one of the best teams in PPG allowed but one of the worst teams in FGP allowed tells you pretty much all you need to know about the pace of their games.

Bruce Bowen: Great players always want to redeem themselves after bad games. Embarrassed by his 1-for-8 shooting performance against the Clippers, Bowen came back to shoot 2-for-8 against the Warriors. Way to turn it around, Bruce!

Robert Horry: Unless my eyes decieve me, the Spurs started him at center last night. He played 13 minutes, shot 0-for-1, and committed one turnover for each point he scored (3).

Tim Duncan: Yeah, he had 32 points, 13 rebounds, and 3 assists, but he had the game-worst +/- score of -13. Are the Spurs better without Tim Duncan?? Ha, ha, okay, I'm kidding. But seriously, I don't get this +/- thingie.

Matt Barnes: It's never a good sign when you have a career year but your team only wants to sign you to a one-year contract. That's what happened with Barnes this summer, and it's starting to look like the Warriors knew what they were doing. His numbers are down in scoring (9.8 to 7.3), shooting percentage (43.8 to 38.5), three-point percentage (36.6 to 32.7), and freethrow percentage (73.2 to 68.6). Meanwhile, all his other number are about the same. Basically, that one-year contract was the Warriors way of saying, "Prove it," and Barnes isn't. His line against the Spurs last night: Zero points (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in eight minutes of playing time.

Austin Croshere: He hasn't played since scoring a season-high 12 points on December 16th.

Labels: Austin Croshere, Boris Diaw, Bruce Bowen, commercials, Denver Nuggets, Larry Bird, Matt Barnes, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

The Knicks offense: They scored 92 points on 38 percent shooting (30-79) and committed 18 turnovers. During the second quarter, the Knicks went nearly 11 minutes without a field goal. And I feel the need to point out the obvious here: An NBA quarter is only 12 minutes long. New York bricked 20 shots during that 11-minute Gulag. It very rarely gets any uglier than that.

Fun fact: The Knicks are last in the league in assists (17.2).

The Knicks defense: They surrendered 119 points on 58 percent shooting (49-84). Moreover, they could only stand by and watch in bleary-eyed wonder as Mike Dunleavy Jr. dropped a career-high 36 points (13-18) on them, including 22 in the third quarter alone. You cannot trust teams that give up career nights to Mike Dunleavy Jr.

Fun fact: The Pacers are the sixth highest scoring team in the league (104.6 PPG), and the highest scoring team in the Eastern Conference. They're second in the league in field goal attempts (86.8), fourth in three-point attempts (22.4), and sixth in assists (23.3). An up-tempo offense in Indiana? Quite a change from the Rick Carlisle days.

The Knicks: They have the second-highest payroll in the league, yet they've lost six of seven games and are 7-17 on the season (including 1-9 on the road). Their own fans have turned on them and they're regularly booed at home. They're selfish, don't play defense, their coach/general manager is a laughingstock, and there's no hope whatsoever of anything improving in any significant way any time soon. The three words that best describe them are as follows, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

Zach Randolph: He lead the Knicks in points and rebounds (26 and 9), but during the second quarter he displayed the kind of behavior that epitomizes a little bit of everything that's wrong with his team. While apparently trying to argue a call, Randolph completely turned his back and left his man (Troy Murphy) wide open for a three-pointer that gave the Pacers a 12-point lead with 1:20 remaining in the first half. Here's some advice, Zach. Argue with the refs when play is stopped or even not at all.

Renaldo Balkman: Isiah Thomas' tenure as the Knicks' GM has been a cautionary tale in abject failure, but drafting Balkman was supposed to be one of his rare successes. Well, I think you can officially scratch that idea. Balkman went scoreless (0-5) against the Pacers. It marks the seventh time in 20 games this season that he hasn't scored a point. He's currently averaging 2.8 PPG and 3.1 RPG. Of course, he's only playing around 13 minutes per game. Interestingly enough, he grabbed 9 rebounds last night in only 12 minutes, which tied him with Randolph (who played 38 minutes) for the team high. Balkman might actually be the team's most effective rebounder, but at 13 MPG, we'll probably never know for sure.

Cleveland Cavaliers: It took them two overtimes and a little luck to win a home game against the Bucks, a team that's lost 10 of their last 13 games. I know they say a win's a win, but sometimes a win feels an awful lot like a loss, doesn't it?

Charlie Bell: Remember, this is the guy that the Bucks wouldn't let bolt to the Heat. He's averaging 4.6 PPG and 2.8 APG on the season. Last night he scored zero points (0-3) and had 1 personal foul in 10 minutes.

Bobby Simmons: Speaking of contract errors, the Bucks' big free agent acquisition of a couple years ago didn't play much better than Bell: He had zero points (0-1), 1 assist, and 2 personal fouls in 15 minutes.

Utah Jazz: They let the Hawks -- the Atlanta Hawks -- score 116 points on 57 percent shooting. They also gave Atlanta the gift of 50 freethrow attempts. Naturally, the Hawks did their best to give that gift right back by missing 14 foul shots and committing 20 turnovers. But in the end, there could be only one loser, and that loser was the Jazz, who have now dropped seven of their last 10 games.

Miami Heat: Yes, they won a game, technically speaking. But they struggled with all their might to finish off the worst team in the league, at home no less. Dwyane Wade shot the ball like he'd just had his hands cut off at the elbow (6-22). Fortunately for him the officials were having a 2006 NBA Finals flashback, the end result of which was 20 freethrow attempts for Wade and a slim escape for the Heat. Shaq actually managed to stay on the floor for almost 30 minutes, but he fouled out again and looked pretty helpless against Al Jefferson (22 points, 20 rebounds). The Big Turnover also lost the ball 5 times.

Fun fact: Shaq recently said, "I'm a great passer from the post" as part of his argument for getting more touches. Well, that might have been true once upon a time. But now? Not so much. On the season, Shaq has committed 68 turnovers while dishing only 33 assists.

Darko Milicic: Another bad night for Darko: 2 points (1-2), 2 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, 2 fouls, 8 minutes. Even with Pau Gasol out, Darko couldn't stay on the floor. Not only has he lost confidence in himself, his team's starting to give up on him too. I bet every time he closes his eyes, he sees Rasheed Wallace laughing at him.

Erick Dampier: He had one of his best games of the season, with 8 points and 7 rebounds. And the sad thing is, I'm not even kidding. It really was one of his best games of the season. How in the name of Lincoln's Wart is this guy third in All-Star voting among Western Conference centers (behind Yao Ming and Amare Stoudemire)??

Fun fact: Dampier's contract runs through the 2010-11 season and will pay him an additional $33 million after this season. Mind you, Mark Cuban bought Dampier with the money he wasn't willing to spend on Steve Nash.

Phoenix Suns defense: They won a hotly contested game with the world champs, and they became the first team to beat the Spurs in San Antonio this season. I'm sure you sense there's a "but" coming, and that "but" is the Suns' crummy defense. Amare Stoudemire basically shrunk away in fear as Tim Duncan ate his lunch (season-high 36 points, 15-25 shooting, season-high 17 rebounds). But even more disturbing was the fact that Jacque Vaughn looked positively Tony Parker-esque (14 points, 7-10 shoting, 4 assists). You cannot trust teams that make Jacque Vaughn look good. Also troubling is that, not only did the Suns get killed on the boards (again), Steve Nash actually led them in rebounding with 8. That should really never happen. Think the Suns miss Kurt Thomas? Think they aren't secretly wishing Steve Kerr had pulled the trigger on that Stoudemire-for-Garnett trade?

Robert Horry: Another rough outing for Ben-Gay Bob: Zero points (0-1), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, and 1 foul in 13 minutes. However, he did find time to thug Steve Nash again.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Erick Dampier, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Robert Horry, Utah Jazz

shug (shug) noun. A simple gesture of good will that begins as a handshake and seamlessly transitions into a hug-like, semi-embrace. This act should last no more than one to three seconds, and it is often accompanied by a firm slap on the back and whispered words of affection, encouragement, or challenge. Also referred to as a "man hug," this gesture is used both as a pre-game greeting and as a sign of post-game celebration (with a teammate) or courtesy (for an opponent).

Usage example: Today's NBA players always shug before the opening tip.

Word Trivia: I could write an expansive list that outlines the do's and don'ts of shugging another man, but what's the point? Let your schlong be your guide, my friends. If your Buster McThunderstick remains as cold and unmoving as an ancient Egyptian obelisk, then all is well. If, however, your purple-headed meat scepter begins to shrivel and squirm around like a kitten dropped into a bucket of acid, then something has gone terribly wrong and the shug should be aborted immediately (if not sooner). In case you're a eunuch, here are a few simple examples that may assist you in future shugging endeavors.

Wrong: The following shug starts out with far too much intimacy. Gazing longingly into another dude's eyes is more like the prelude to sweaty, man-on-man action than a stouthearted sign of virile camaraderie.

"I'll never forget those sunny Dallasdays...or those hot Dallas nights."
Right: You can see that Manu Ginobili is about to slap Tony Parker on the back -- always a plus -- and that his eyes are rolled up in a disdainful look of "I do not enjoy touching other men in this way, but sportsmanship demands it." This is a textbook shug.

"I am doing this only because I must."
Wrong: Here Kevin Willis commits the cardinal sin of shugging: Going too far too fast into a double-armed bunny hug complete with his head dipping down onto Tim Duncan's shoulder. You can tell Tim is trying to disassociate himself from this womanly act, as well he should.

"Uh, you need to get off me man..."
Right: Michael Jordan wasn't just one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history, he was also one of the best shuggers of all time. Notice that his hands never open during the shug; they remain resolute fists of fury that can, if needed, be used to bludgeon his fellow shuggee into a shapeless, pulpy mass. Note also that he's sharing a few words with Reggie Miller, probably something along the lines of "I hope you're ready for a serious ass-kicking."

"You know I have to kick your ass now, right?"
Wrong...and right: This is a full-bodied, head-gripping embrace between Kobe Bryant and former teammate Robert Horry wacko-madman Stephen Jackson. This is about as wrong as a shug can possibly get, short of the two men actually grinding their genitals together. However, astute observers will notice that Kobe is clearly wracked with anguish and (!!) crying. And there's everything right about that.

"It's so cold. Please hold me."

Labels: Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Willis, Kobe Bryant, manliness, Manu Ginobili, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Word of the Day

Does it really take that many armsto restrain Steve Nash? Seriously?!
I can't believe Phoenix pulled off that win last night.

The Spurs did almost everything right. They set the tempo. They clogged the lane. They ran out at the three-point shooters. They worked the ball around and continously got high-percentage shots. They dominated almost the entire game and held double-digit leads for long stretches of the third and fourth quarters. The Suns made a run -- as everybody knew they would -- but when the Spurs pushed their lead back to 97-92 with a couple minutes to go, I figured it was over.

Guess I was wrong.

How'd the Suns do it? Well, first off, they got a little road cookin' in that all the critical calls went their way in the 4th quarter. There were some iffy charges and at least one ticky-tac "and 1" in which Leandro Barbosa clearly initiated the contact with Tony Parker. But even more telling is the fact that Tim Duncan got called for travelling twice. Now mind you, both calls were absolutely correct. He shuffled his feet. But Duncan always shuffles his feet...it just doesn't get called, certainly not in the 4th quarter of a home playoff game. But they got him last night.

Of course, even though the Suns got a lot of favorable whistles night, I'd like to point one thing out. You know those handchecking rules that David Stern enacted to free up perimeter players and fast breaking teams? Apparently those rules apply to everybody but the Spurs. They handcheck on every possession. In fact, I think Steve Nash should stencil some hand outlines on his jersey so it's easier for Bruce Bowen to remember where to grab on.

Anyway, it's funny how a few calls here and there will get a team going. Because to tell you the truth, the only Suns player who looked like he really believed they could win during the second half was Steve Nash. The rest of the team looked scared and tentative. Guys were even passing up shots. It was kind of embarrassing, and I think Nash looked a little pissed off about it. But once the whistling winds of change started blowing their way, the Suns got that "We Believe" look in their eyes.

Then it was just a plain, old-fashioned gut check, symbolized by not one, but two behind-the-back passes from Steve Nash to Amare Stoudemire for layups (and not easy ones), the second of which gave the Suns their first lead since it was 38-37 in the first half.

But even when the game was basically decided, the Spurs chose not to go down quietly. That's when Robert Horry -- who for the last few years has been playing the role of the "lovable grandpa" everybody can count on -- channeled his inner Bill Laimbeer and blasted Nash out of bounds. It was a sucker punch worthy of Ric Flair, but I'll give Horry some credit. He didn't pull a Bruce Bowen, which is when you cheapshot somebody, then adopt a look of purest innocence and pretend it was unintentional. No, Horry pistol-whipped Nash and gave him a look like, "That's right, I did that to you."

It's hard to say what Horry's intention was. It sured seemed like he was trying to bait somebody into a fight, which almost happened when Raja Bell charged onto the scene. And of course Nash's teammates on the bench, primarly Stoudemire and Boris Diaw, jumped to their feet and onto the court. Now we have to wait and see if those players get suspended. Yeah, they violated the letter of the law (no leaving the bench during altercations), but not the spirit of the law (which is to prevent brawls). Personally, I think it would be unfair of Stern to suspend anybody on the Suns, particularly after the brutality of Horry's hit and all of Bowen's dirty little tricks. We'll see.

Great win for Phoenix, though. They regained home court advantage and now they [CLICHE ALERT!!] once again control their own destiny.

Labels: Bruce Bowen, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan