I've already described how popular Reggie Miller is with the ladies. And it's a good thing that's the case...because he won't be ready to join the UFC circuit any time soon. It's not surprising, really. The dude's arms look like a couple old pipe cleaners wrapped in boot leather. You know why he teaches children to read? So they'll help him with all the jars he can't open. Look, all I'm saying is that when old ladies see him out in public, they don't ask for his autograph, they offer to help him across the street.

Okay, I'm done. I think. Here's Reggie's most famous fight: a heated donnybrook with Michael Jordan. A major wag of the finger goes to MJ, who resorted to the cat-fighting tactic of trying to claw Reggie's eyes out. Was that really necessary, Mike? I mean, if a 10-year-old picked a fight with me, I wouldn't try to throw dirt in his face or kick him in the junk. That's just wrong.


And because he has to obsessively copy everything Jordan did, Kobe Bryant also picked a fight with Reggie...leading to a testy rumpus in which Austin Croshere almost lost his jersey. Sorry, ladies. I said "almost."

Labels: Austin Croshere, cat fights, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller

Time out folks: Chris Webber's career has come full circle. C-Webb signed with Golden State today, and could be back in action as early as next Thursday. The Warriors are betting this comeback pans out better than Penny Hardaway, Scottie Pippen, Reggie Miller and Allan Houston. I'm just hoping this will lead to less TV time for Austin Croshere.

I'm not completely sold on what the Warriors will be gaining from this free agent signing. Both Chris Mullin and Don Nelson laud Webber's passing ability and basketball IQ. I'm seeing a deadly combination of age, knee problems and rust negating most of that. If they were looking for a big man that can move the ball and play questionable defense, why didn't Vlade Divac's name come up?

Anyway, Chris could be back in action next week, and Brandan Wright's hopes of logging 200 minutes this season are looking mighty grim.

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Labels: Austin Croshere, Chris Webber, Golden State Warriors

I'm currently writing an impassioned plea to the Suns to stop sucking -- and yes, a 24-10 team can and does suck -- but in the meantime, here's a brief Worst of the Night post with a little something extra: What is possibly the worst and most bizarre Larry Bird commercial of all time (as previously discovered by Matt Watson of the AOL Fanhouse).

This commercial was apparently shot in 1982. Nothing really made sense back then: Parachute pants, friendship pins, wacky wallcrawlers, jelly shoes, the fact that men actually wanted to see Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini. But even stranger than any of those things is the fact that Larry Joe Bird, the Hick from French Lick, endorsed French designer jeans. Anybody who knows anything about Larry Bird knows that the only "designer" jeans he would have worn in the 80s would have been a pair of Wranglers. Maybe.

I also found it exceedingly strange that Bird barely even appears in the commercial. Now, I'm not a French designer jean commercial expert, but I do know this: If I'm paying money to film a commercial starring Larry Bird, that commercial is actually going to star Larry Bird. After watching it 20 times or so, I'm not convinced Larry even realized he was in a commercial. He was probably just hanging out at the local arcade in his French designer jeans, playing with his basketball and watching girls ride around on their roller skates...you know, just like everybody else in the 80s was doing. The commercial just kind of got shot around him. Seriously. I have to believe that.

Worst of the Night

Denver Nuggets Defense: The Nuggets are, amazingly, the eighth best team in the league in field goal percentage allowed (44.4). That fact is even harder to believe after the way the Suns shot against them last night (53.8). The Suns scored 46 points in the first quarter en route to a 137-points sandblasting of the hapless Nuggets. I'm not a mathematalogist -- in fact, I still count on my fingers -- but even I know you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Boris Diaw: On a night in which it seemed like every single Suns player had it going, Diaw still sucked, scoring 4 points (on 2-for-8 shooting) and almost fouling out. Seriously, someone needs to go to Diaw's house and check his basement for body snatcher pods.

San Antonio Spurs defense: The Spurs are the third-best team in the league in terms of PPG allowed (92.5), yet last night they surrendered 130 points to the Warriors. Sure, it was an overtime game, but the Warriors still had 112 points by the end of regulation. As I might have mentioned before, you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Fun fact: This kind of shocked me, but the Spurs are only 21st in the league in field goal percentage defense (45.7), which is barely better than the Heat (45.8) and Warriors (also 45.8). The fact that they're one of the best teams in PPG allowed but one of the worst teams in FGP allowed tells you pretty much all you need to know about the pace of their games.

Bruce Bowen: Great players always want to redeem themselves after bad games. Embarrassed by his 1-for-8 shooting performance against the Clippers, Bowen came back to shoot 2-for-8 against the Warriors. Way to turn it around, Bruce!

Robert Horry: Unless my eyes decieve me, the Spurs started him at center last night. He played 13 minutes, shot 0-for-1, and committed one turnover for each point he scored (3).

Tim Duncan: Yeah, he had 32 points, 13 rebounds, and 3 assists, but he had the game-worst +/- score of -13. Are the Spurs better without Tim Duncan?? Ha, ha, okay, I'm kidding. But seriously, I don't get this +/- thingie.

Matt Barnes: It's never a good sign when you have a career year but your team only wants to sign you to a one-year contract. That's what happened with Barnes this summer, and it's starting to look like the Warriors knew what they were doing. His numbers are down in scoring (9.8 to 7.3), shooting percentage (43.8 to 38.5), three-point percentage (36.6 to 32.7), and freethrow percentage (73.2 to 68.6). Meanwhile, all his other number are about the same. Basically, that one-year contract was the Warriors way of saying, "Prove it," and Barnes isn't. His line against the Spurs last night: Zero points (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in eight minutes of playing time.

Austin Croshere: He hasn't played since scoring a season-high 12 points on December 16th.

Labels: Austin Croshere, Boris Diaw, Bruce Bowen, commercials, Denver Nuggets, Larry Bird, Matt Barnes, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

The waking nightmare continues...
Knicks / Celtics: Several hours before the tipoff of last night's game, Isiah Thomas expressed his deep and soulful feelings for the Green and White: "I have a great respect for Boston, a very healthy respect. But I don't like them. I don't like the Celtics. Because they were always good. And they're good again. So my hatred is that much more." How very Dark Lord Sauron of him.

Is there a stronger feeling than hate? Because if there is, Isiah must be feeling it today after the Celtics' pitiless butchering of his Knicks. Man, oh man. I haven't seen a beating that savage, that brutal, since the El Mozote Massacre or maybe Bambi versus Godzilla. Shouldn't there be a slaughter rule for games like this, or at least a safeword that teams can use when they've had enough? Now, I likes me a good beatdown as much as the next guy who hates the Knicks and absolutely despises Isiah Thomas. But sitting through that game was like watching the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Blond tortures that cop and then cuts his ear off. Repulsive, disturbing, and yet too sickly fascinating for me to look away.

What went wrong for the Knicks? Well, for one thing, their starting point guard had only 1 assist and three turnovers. Their "Twin Towers" of Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph combined to score 8 points on 3-21 shooting, and that was their strongest contribution. Quentin Richardson alone out-rebounded them (9 to 6) and little Freddy Jones out-blocked them (2 to zero). As a team, the Knicks shot 30 percent (23-76). Their quarter-by-quarter scoring was as follows: 16, 15, 10, 18. And they needed a 37-foot heave by Nate Robinson at the final buzzer just to reach 59 and thus avoid their lowest point total in the Shot Clock Era (which was 58 on December 15, 2000, against the Utah Jazz).

Never one to blame himself, Isiah was quick to point his wicked Finger of Judgement at his hapless team, complaining that the Knicks' first-half performance was "the most selfish" he had ever seen by a team. "I thought every single player was thinking about himself, as opposed to thinking about the team." After that inspiring halftime speech, the Knicks went out and scored 10 points in the third quarter. That's some coaching genius there, Isiah.

What's happening with the Knicks is just terrible, and I don't even like the Knicks. It's getting to the point that I'd even feel sorry for Kobe Bryant if he was a Knick. Okay, not really, but just the fact that I was able to type those words without vomiting really says something. It's just...just...gaaagh.

And here's the thing: The Celtics didn't really play all that well. I know that sounds crazy, but if you actually watched the game, you know it's true. I mean, Kevin Garnett took five shots. Brian Scalabrine played 22 minutes, and Glen "Big Baby" Davis played a team-high 30. Need I say more? Look, Fay Wray put up more of a fight when King Kong carried her to the top of the Empire State Building. Which begs the question: Have the Knicks quit on Isiah? Seriously, who freaking knows with this dysfunctional band of misfits.

Fun fact: Fred Jones has 5 blocks on the season. Zach Randolph has 1.

Raiders of the Lost Statistics: At the end of the game, Rajon Rondo chose to dribble out 24 of the final 26 seconds, committing a shot clock violation and giving the ball back to the Knicks rather than going for a 50-point win. That's a turnover, right? Well, apparently not, because every box score I checked -- ESPN, Yahoo, even the official NBA box score -- showed Rondo as having zero turnovers on the night. It makes you wonder, do the NBA's official statisticians give out mulligans for mercy plays like that? Does that ever happen when a player attempts a full or half-court heave at the end of a quarter or before halftime? Speaking of which, I've always felt there should be an official stat category for those meaningless, desperation shots so they don't count against a player's normal shooting percentages. Plus, it would be downright interesting to look at Lebron James' season stats and find out he was 3-for-25 on desperation shots. There should also be a special category of statistic that tells you how many games a team gives up at the end of the season. Like, the Spurs might win 61 games but still end the season on a 4-game losing streak because Gregg Popovich was resting Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili. I mean, wouldn't you like to know that stuff?

Nuggets / Lakers: This game was proof of how much homecourt advantage means in the NBA. With little more than a half-hearted effort, Denver built a 12-point lead after the first quarter and yet ultimately lost by 28 points. Again, if you watched the game you could tell that the Nuggets just didn't bring it. The Lakers had way more energy; they were grabbing offensive rebounds (they had 17 on the night, six above their average), coming up with loose balls, drawing charges. In short, making all the hustle plays that win games. And Denver? They just gave up. How else do you explain them getting outscored 46-24 in the fourth quarter?

There was at least one Nugget who was fired up, though: Carmelo Anthony. He scored 23 points (11-15) and even had a couple steals before getting ejected with 6:18 remaining for giving Sasha Vujacic a chop block to the throat away from the ball. Anthony claims it wasn't intentional (but it was) and that Vujacic drew attention to the foul by flopping (which he did, laughably so). Said Vujacic: "I think I've got to give him a DVD of European soccer. Then he can really see flops. I think it was frustration on his part. He's one of the best players in the league. But we did an amazing job on defense against him by double-teaming him -- and that's why he tried to choke me. I was surprised that he grabbed me with his hand." Ha, ha, yeah, you go ahead and try to give Carmelo a soccer DVD and you'll probably get choked again. Or at the very least he'll bitchslap you from behind and then run away. Anyway, Kobe Bryant -- who totally travelled on a spectacular up-and-under in the third quarter -- didn't comment on the play, probably because of all the times he wanted to strangle Sasha.

Fun fact: I don't really have much to say about Golden State's over-the-knee spanking of Houston, except that our good buddy Austin Croshere won the Second (to the Knicks) Biggest Loser of the Night Award for posting an ultra-rare two trillion. Third Biggest Loser of the Night goes to Yao Ming, who got shut down by Al Harrington despite a 9-inch, 60-pound physical advantage.

Big Stinky Jerkface of the Night: That's right, I'm talking to you, NFL. Hey, let's put a marquee matchup between two 10-1 teams on the NFL network, which is like telling 99.9 percent of the world "Nyah, nyah, you can't watch this!" Great idea, NFL. Well, the Football Gods took their revenge for your hubris, striking down Brett Favre who -- according to your jersey sales -- is the most popular player in the league. Did you get the message? Or is it going to take a well-aimed lightning bolt to the testicles to teach you the error of your ways? Oh, and Brett's my fantasy QB, so thanks for costing me this week's game and officially eliminating me from playoff contention. [FlohtingPoint reminded me to mention this travesty.]

Labels: Austin Croshere, beatdowns, Boston Celtics, Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets, homecourt advantage, Isiah Thomas, Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, statistics, Yao Ming