Vince Carter...actually diving for a loose ball?What, was there a twenty dollar bill on the floor?
The Boston Celtics: Let me start off by saying that the Celtics could have -- and maybe should have -- won this game in a blowout had the three zebras not done everything in their power to keep the home team in the game. Orlando's 40-18 free throw advantage doesn't even begin to describe how crazy it was to see Dwight Howard earn a touch foul on one end and then watch Boston's perimeter players getting pushed and pulled around without a whistle on the other end. I have long since given up trying to understand the general inconsistency displayed by NBA officials. I honestly don't care what they decide to call a foul as long as whatever they decide on is called the same way for both teams. If Marcin Gortat gets the call for a hand in his back, then shouldn't Paul Pierce receive a whistle for running through a sea of hacking hands and into an oncoming chest bump on his way to the rim? Seriously, once the Celtics built that 16-point lead, I thought I was watching a game of NBA Live with computer assistance turned on.

"The refs love us! They really love us!"
But whatever. The Celtics were culpable in their own demise. Their worst sin was an inability to control the boards. Forget the total rebounding disparity -- which was 47-32 in case you're interested -- the worst part was Orlando's 17-6 advantage on the offensive glass. Between the foul shots and the second chance shot attempts, the Magic had way too many extra opportunities to put points on the board.

And yet, despite all that, the Celtics still had a chance to win. But that's where Kevin Garnett and Rasheed Wallace come in.

First, it is really sad to see what KG has been reduced to. And I'm not talking about the base stats of 6 points, 7 rebounds and 3 assists in 33 minutes. The dude is well on his way to joining the Chris Webber Memorial One-Legged All-Stars. No, really. Garnett is playing with one leg out there. Are we still supposed to believe his injury was a simple hyperextension? Doc Rivers said Garnett was just "off" last night, and that he was "OK" physically. I call big-time shenanigans. And whatever is really wrong with him, it seems to have stripped him not only of his mobility but of his fire as well. That I-will-cut-you-to-pieces-and-then-eat-the-pieces mentality that has driven KG throughout his career seemed to be missing last night. It was stunning...and troubling...and downright depressing.

But I tried to pretend it wasn't happening until Orlando's final two plays. The first of which was a long three-pointer by J.J. Redick, who has apparently supplanted both Jameer Nelson and Vince Carter as the Magic's crunch-time shooter. KG was responsible for either switching or showing on Redick's three to force a pass or a bad shot. Only he didn't quite commit to it. My guess is he knew that -- with one dead, almost wooden leg -- there was no way he could both challenge Redick and recover defensively on his man (Rashard Lewis). So although Garnett's hand was up in the general vicinity of Redick's face, J.J. had plenty of separation to get his shot off. Which he did, and hitting it tied the game at 94-all.

Boston failed to score on the other end (and I won't even go into how ugly their offensive possessions looked down the stretch), and so the Magic got a chance to take the lead. They ended up running a play that got busted up because Vinsanity totally sucks tiny gorilla balls these days, but Lewis ended up with the rock and drove in unopposed for an easy layup. Seeing the play in real time didn't do justice to how horrible a play that was from the Celtics' point of view. Watching it in slow-mo was downright painful. Lewis strolled by Garnett like KG was some kind of zillion-dollar statue. I mean, seriously, Garnett was literally rooted to the spot while Lewis slid past him. What's worse, Rasheed "Look at that big, fat ass!" Wallace whiffed on the rotation, choosing instead to occupy Howard on the opposite block.

Of course, 'Sheed's biggest failure was his three-point airball at the buzzer. Considering the Celtics had only 1.4 seconds to get a play off, Wallace got surprisingly open. But instead of just squaring up for the shot, or hell, even leaning forward a little to force the officials to make a call, he fell away and to the side, which resulted in about as ugly a last-second shot as you're likely to see from a former champion with a reasonably open look.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Boston Celtics can win the NBA championship as long as they have a healthy Garnett. I believe that completely and utterly. However, after watching that game last night, I can't say I wholeheartedly believe KG will be totally healthy this season. Or maybe ever again.

By the way, nice screw-job by the NBA schedule makers. Back-to-back games against the Magic and Hawks followed by a game against the Lakers one day later. I can't recall any of the other contenders -- and I mean the Crabs and Lakers -- having a four-day stretch that difficult.

One last comment and then I'm done. Dwight Howard must have read Kendrick Perkins' comments about how easy it is to shut Superman down by playing him physically, because Dwight was pulling out actual, honest-to-goodness low-post moves in the fourth quarter. Jump hooks, running hooks, drop-steps to the bucket. I was shocked. The announcers were shocked. The Celtics were shocked. Maybe Howard finally got the message.

Vince Carter: The line: 2-for-13, 3 turnovers, and a long, conspicuous absence in the fourth quarter. And let's face it, he's not half the player J.J. Redick is for the Magic. Think about that.

Paul Pierce: The line: 3-for-12 and 4 turnovers. Sure, he didn't get some of the calls he deserved, and he did hit a huge trey to help Boston regain the lead late. But I once again feel the need to remind everybody that Pierce dubbed himself the best player in the world in the summer of '08. Man, that summer seems like a long time ago now...

Dunking cheerleaders: Hot or not?

No, really. I can't decide.
Reggie Miller, announcing superstar: He continues to flabber our gasts by, well, just being himself.

From Basketbawful reader Dave R.: "Reggie Miller to Marv Albert during Cs v Magic: 'I love that little two-man thing!' Followed by a short uncomfortable silence as they both realized how that sounds."

And from BW in Cleveland: "THE NBA: WHERE REGGIE MILLER COMPARES MARCIN GORTAT TO HAKEEN THE DREAM HAPPENS. WotN in NBA broadcasting."

Thanks, Reg.

Doc Rivers' wife: From AnacondaHL: "Awesome of the Night to Doc Rivers' wife, for reading a book in the stands late in the 4th of a tied game. I'd probably read books too, if I were Doc's wife. You know, to counter the IQ osmosis." Didn't Marv try to explain that she did that to ease her nerves? Which may be true and all that, but damn, she sure looked like somebody who would rather be plucking butt hairs off lab mice than sitting in the stands at that game. I have a feeling Doc got forced to watch The Notebook when they got back to their hotel room.

Al Harrington: Nice charge, dumbass.

By the way, I absolutely loved David Lee's eff-you performance (29 points, 18 boards). Seriously, are we still supposed to believe Al Horford is better than this guy? I know the Bricks suck -- for further reading, see Toronto 106, New York 104 -- but assuming he didn't get voted on, would LeBron James get left off the All-Star team if the Cavaliers were nine games below .500? Of course he wouldn't. Which means that, in theory, the coaches are supposed to choose players based on real-life skills and not team success. Eh, whatever. All-Star selections are a joke. We all know that.

The Dallas Mavericks: I want to draw your attention to the title of the AP recap for this game: "Amundson, Dragic, Dudley help Suns snap 3-game skid vs. Mavs."

Think about that.

No, really. Think about that.

Those three dudes ended up scoring 14 points in the Suns' 28-16 fourth-quarter romp that transformed another one of THOSE losses into a 112-106 win.

Said Jason Terry: "Their bench outplayed us all night. Clear as day and it can't happen. They outplayed us. It's unbelievable to me that we've come halfway through the season and we still look like we're searching in the fourth quarter."

No kidding.

Another random thing that's unbelievable -- at least to me -- is how much Steve Nash loves isolating against Dirk Nowitzki. Happens several times whenever the Mavs and Suns play. Pick and roll, Dirk switches onto his good buddy, and Nash stutter dribbles and crosses over until Nowitzki takes a half step back, then Steve fades away for the jumper...which usually goes in. That's just a case of two guys who have played many, many games of one-on-one against each other. I get that, but it's still funny to watch. And I swear, Nash, as unselfish as he is, shoots virtually ever time he gets to go one-on-one with Dirk. I wish somebody had the actual pass-versus-shoot numbers on those possessions.

Also, I'd love to point out how J-Kidd was recently spouting off about how this version of the Mavs has put the "D" back in Dallas basketball...and then they let the Suns shoot nearly 55 percent from the field. And Nash was 7-for-11 from the field, 3-for-3 from downtown and committed only 2 turnovers (with 11 assists). And freaking Earl Clark hit his first career three-pointer. Way to back them words up, Jason.

Jared Dudley, quote machine: Regarding the lockdown defense the Suns' pine riders played in the fourth quarter: "We made people shoot the shots they didn't want to shoot." I dunno, Jared. Taking bad shots is a choice.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: Benched for the entire fourth quarter. Ruh roh, Raggy. It wasn't because of any problems he had scoring -- STAT finished with 22 points on 7-for-13 from the field and 8-for-10 from the line -- but he grabbed only one lonely rebound in 27 minutes. Dude, seriously. You're huge and athletic. Hit the damn boards.

Amar''''''e said the fourth-quarter benching happened for "the first time in my life but it's all good," and Alvin Gentry had to perform some quick spin control: "I wouldn't read anything into that at all. If you go in there he's the happiest guy. For all that's been said he's been a great teammate. He understands things were going well with Lou." Meanwhile, Steve Kerr's attempts to trade Stoudemire continue unabated...

Earl Clark: From Basketbawful reader Clifton:

While most will probably give the WotN nomination from tonight's Suns to Amar''''''e for deservedly getting benched for the entire 4th quarter, I'm going to have to nominate Earl Clark. Yeah, he got some meaningful PT tonight and hit his first career 3-ball, but just a few minutes after that 3-pointer, he scored a pretty egregious "own hoop" for Dallas.

Gooden took a midrange jumper that was a miss, and as everyone else turned to head up the floor, Clark goes up for the easy rebound and just yakked on it. Didn't look like he was trying to be fancy, but still, the ball ricocheted off his palms, went up off the backboard, and into the hoop. They credited Marion with the basket, although I don't recall him being near Clark when it happened.

Clark knew it was going in, too. You could tell when it kissed off the glass that it was going in, and Clark had already dropped his arms and hung his head before it finished going through the basket.

It was a pretty bad boner (I don't know if it's up there with The Joker's Boner Capers, but it's close), and would have gotten a lot more press if the Suns had lost by a point instead of pulling out the victory.

Cheryl Miller: From Basketbawful reader Josh:

I'm highly amused that TNT actually just put up this graphic after the horn sounded:
"Suns: First win on TNT in 18 games"

Cheryl Miller also just said while interviewing Nash "By the sound of things you'd think you guys won the championship! How does it feel to win on TNT?"

The look on Nash's face was priceless. His grin pretty much said "I understand the humor, but are you really asking me this?" He grinned ear to ear, paused, and said "Well I'm not gonna say anything derogatory about the network..."

LeBron James: King Crab earned a belated WotN from stephanie g: "LeBron throws a hissy fit after not getting a call and slaps filled cups of gatorade into his own crowd. I understand that NBA stars are egomaniac prima donnas, but this sort of blatant action breaks my willing suspension of disbelief. My favorite though is when Kobe whines to the refs while the other team runs down court and scores 5v4. Someone could make a pretty funny compilation video of that if they had the dedication." Hey, someone...get on that, would you? In the meantime, here's LeBron's tantrum:


Update! King Crab has been fined $25K for his crabbiness...and he should have been ejected.

Lacktion report: And how, from Chris, a brief lacktivity update:

Raptors-Knicks: 50 seconds of Nintendo Power were enough to get Rasho Nesterovic back in the ledger with a Mario; although he made one free throw in that time, a foul and giveaway pushed him into Voskuhl territory with a 2:1 ratio!

Labels: Al Harrington, Boston Celtics, Cheryl Miller, Dallas Mavericks, Lebron James, Reggie Miller, Worst of the Night

I've already described how popular Reggie Miller is with the ladies. And it's a good thing that's the case...because he won't be ready to join the UFC circuit any time soon. It's not surprising, really. The dude's arms look like a couple old pipe cleaners wrapped in boot leather. You know why he teaches children to read? So they'll help him with all the jars he can't open. Look, all I'm saying is that when old ladies see him out in public, they don't ask for his autograph, they offer to help him across the street.

Okay, I'm done. I think. Here's Reggie's most famous fight: a heated donnybrook with Michael Jordan. A major wag of the finger goes to MJ, who resorted to the cat-fighting tactic of trying to claw Reggie's eyes out. Was that really necessary, Mike? I mean, if a 10-year-old picked a fight with me, I wouldn't try to throw dirt in his face or kick him in the junk. That's just wrong.


And because he has to obsessively copy everything Jordan did, Kobe Bryant also picked a fight with Reggie...leading to a testy rumpus in which Austin Croshere almost lost his jersey. Sorry, ladies. I said "almost."

Labels: Austin Croshere, cat fights, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller

Symptoms of Retired Legenditis may include becoming the targetof humiliating banners flown over southern California beaches.
Retired Legenditis (re-tird' lej'-uhnd-it'-is) noun. An acute psychological disorder that causes some (but certainly not all) NBA legends to lose their damn minds during retirement. At best, the ensuing erratic and unpredictable behavior embarrasses both them and their families. At worst, it sullies their legacy forever.

Usage example: Reggie Miller is the latest former NBA great to contract Retired Legenditis.

Word History: The term was coined last night (August 11, 2009) by Statbuster while we were discussing Reggie Miller's very public feud with Alex von Furstenberg, a Malibu surf shop owner and son of fashion legend Diane von Furstenberg. Apparently, Reggie spent several months flirting with von Furstenberg's fiancé -- clothing designer Ali Kay -- which caused von Furstenberg to go apeshit. It probably didn't help that Kay sent Reggie a couple sizzling pics via text message. Restraining orders were filled out by both parties but never filed, and von Furstenberg paid a small plane to fly a banner over the beaches of Malibu to warn Reggie off of married women. Bad times all around.

This mess was of course preceded by Reggie having a tramp stamp tattooed around his belly button and pouring vodka down the gullet of some barely-legal babe while wearing a ghastly sweater vest. Remember when NBA legends retired with dignity?

Oh, right. You probably don't. Not with Charles Barkley getting busted for DUI and then telling the arresting officer "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." (Later at the police station, Sir Charles told another officer "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if he helped "get him out of the DUI.") Oh, and let's not forget Chuck's gambling addiction or that time he had a civil complaint filed against him for a $400,000 gambling debt he accidentally forgot to pay. He also joked about Isiah Thomas' alleged suicide attempt at a press conference (more on that below).

Hey, I guess it's tough being a basketball legend who doesn't play basketball anymore. Julius Erving made a sex tape with a woman who was not his wife, and that tape was mysteriously released during his messy divorce trial. Elgin Baylor spent a couple decades ruining the Clippers. (And after Elgin was FINALLY fired, he filed an employment discrimination lawsuit against the Clippers, team owner Donald Sterling, and the NBA. He alleges that he was underpaid during his tenure with the team and then fired because of his age and race.) Kevin McHale completely McFailed as GM of the Timberwolves. Larry Bird is still running the Pacers into the ground. Magic Johnson made a couple ill-fated comebacks (the second of which featured an ejection and suspension for bumping a referee and then claiming the ref bumped him), embarrassed himself with an ugly 16-game coaching stint with the Lakers (during which the team went 5-11), and then totally bombed as host of The Magic Hour (after which he blamed his failure on a lack of support from African American celebrities).

Michael Jordan completely mismanaged the Washington Wizards (epitomized by his selection of Kwame Brown with the number one overall pick in the 2001 NBA Draft) until he was fired by owner Abe Pollin. The sacking came despite MJ's two-season comeback with the Wiz, during which he "led" the team to back-to-back 37-win seasons and utterly failed to make the playoffs (despite guaranteeing a postseason berth). Things have gone only slightly better with the Bobcats...seeing as how Mike only wasted the third overall draft pick of the 2006 NBA Draft on Adam Morrison. But that's the sole improvement. MJ also likes bumping and grinding with the barely-legals. And here's some more evidence that his divorce didn't exactly break his heart.

And then there's Isiah Thomas. First, he destroyed the CBA. Second, he got fired as coach of the Pacers by his former rival Larry Bird. Then he became GM and later the coach of the New York Knicks...otherwise known as The Greatest Epic Fail in NBA History. Shortly after the Knicks finally canned him, Isiah apparently tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. He then claimed it was his daughter who tried to kill herself. The truth was never made clear, but when asked about the situation during a press conference, Isiah couldn't deny it was a suicide attempt.

The moral of this post? Maybe it's better NOT to become an NBA legend.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Word of the Day

Thanks to Ruben for today's picture.

The New Jersey Nets: Another night, another loss at home for the Nets, who are now 9-13 at the Izod Center. And the seldom-used Jerryd Bayless -- who's collected 20 DNP-CDs so far this season -- put them into the basketball-equivalent of the testicular claw by dropping in a career-high 23 points. A 30 percent shooter, Bayless went 6-for-9 from the floor and 11-for-11 fromt he line. Prior to last night, he had never scored more than 8 points in a game.

The Nets were actually in pretty good position to win the game until they got outscored 37-28 in the fourth quarter. Yeah. Defense: It's still pretty important. The loss was particularly bitter, coming as it did following a 32-point loss in Boston. Said Devin Harris: "It's frustrating. This is one we could have won and we let ourselves down in the end. It's tough defensively when we don't get stops and they get a high percentage of their shots to go in."

LeBrick James: His line -- 28 points, 14 rebounds and 7 assists -- looks pretty good...until you look a little more closely. King Crab also bricked 20 shots, clanked five free throws, and committed 8 turnovers. And let's talk about that 8-for-28 shooting. He missed four layups (three of which were blocked) and hit only three of his 16 jump shots. He also bricked his final 12 field goal attempts in regulation, including a 21-foot bailout shot that would have won it at the buzzer. (Thanks to Stephanie G. for the following graphic.)


On the subject of his shooting, broadcasters absolutely freak out when 'Bron nails an outside shot, but according to 82games.com, he's hitting only 41 percent of his outside shots compared to 74 percent of his inside attempts. So instead of crowding him, as the Bulls did for most of the game last night, wouldn't teams be better served to just back way off and let him fire away at will from the outside? Not only would that deny him the high-percentage chances he thrives off of, but it would help reduce the need for defenses to double-team and/or collapse him off of drives, which is how LeBron gets most of his assists (and how his teammates get most of their wide-open shots). I'm just sayin'...that's how I'd do it. And if he gets on a roll from outside, well, kudos to him. But the King and his Craboliers are much less dangerous when LeBron is jacking 'em up from distance.

Oh, and I guess you can kill all the Michael Jordan comparisons for a moment or too, since LeBron blamed his poor performance on his stuffy head and runny nose: "I absolutely had no lift tonight. Every time that happens, when I get sick, I miss layups -- layup after layup, things I usually make." So we finally know what can stop LeBron: The common cold. Just like those aliens in War of the Worlds! Wait...could James be part of the upcoming alien invasion?! Klaatu barada nikto, LeBron!

The Chicago Bulls: Big, huge, enormous win over the Cavs. No question about it. BUT...they needed a complete meltdown by LeBron and a couple "where did THOSE come from?!" threes from Luol Deng -- including one that bounced up five feet at least before dropping straight back down into the hoop -- to pull out an overtime win at home. (On the subject of Deng's two triples: He was only 4-for-13 from downtown this season coming into last night's game.) And the Cavs were without Zydrunas Ilgauskas (fractured left ankle), Ben Wallace (flu-like symptoms!) and Delonte West, who broke his right wrist in a collision with Derrick Rose in the first quarter. So give them credit for some scrappy play, but take note of the unusual circumstances.

Derrick Rose: I don't want to crack on the rookie too hard, since he had two huge three-point plays -- one with 4:50 left in regulation and another 52 seconds into overtime that gave the Bulls the lead for good. However, he also shot 6-for-20 and, even worse, he botched a chance to tie the game at 87 with 1:32 left...but bricked two free throws. And those misses could have cost his team the game.

The NBA Cares program: During last night's game, NBA Cares decided to highlight Larry Hughes' charitible work in the Chicago community, leaving the broadcast team in the uncomfortable position of having to explain why Big Shot Larry was rooted firmly to the Bulls bench. Thanks for everything you've done for Chicagoland, Larry. I hope you're as giving in the city you'll soon be traded to!

Reggie Miller, quote machine: I got the following email from Jeff R.: "Hey man, not sure if you caught the Cavs/Bulls last night, but Reggie Miller continued to baffle with his inability to speak English. Late in the game after LeBron beat Deng on a jump ball, he slipped retrieving the ball. They showed the replay and zoomed in on a two-foot long black skid mark Bron's shoe left on the floor. To which Reggie said: 'You can see the skid mark from his shoe calling the time out.' Now the Bulls did call a time out after LeBron fell and lost the ball, but it certainly wasn't LeBron's shoe or skid mark calling it." What can I say? I love Reggie Miller.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot scored five of his game-high 26 points in overtime to lead the 'Melo-less Nuggets to a win over the Shaq-less Suns. And he did it, apparently, despite a flu bug he's been fighting since...the end of December?! Said Billups: "Just trying to get through it. Once the game starts you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do." Uh, Chauncey, last time I checked, it's not normal for the flu to last more than two weeks. (But, according to one source, the "malaise" from the flu can "persist for more than two weeks.") I guess it just seems like Billups is being a little dramatic about being sick at a time of the year when pretty much everybody is suffering from flu-like symptoms. I'm sorry about the malaise, though, Chauncey.

Shaq: The Big Coffee Break had what Suns coach Terry Porter referred to as a "routine night off" and Robin Lopez (4 points, 2-for-5, 2 rebounds, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls in 22 minutes) didn't exactly fill his pretty pink tutu. His absence opened up the paint for Nene, who critically wounded the Suns with 17 points and 14 rebounds.

The Phoenix defense: In addition to Chauncey Billups' plague-ridden mastery and Nene's dominance in the paint, the Suns' D revived Linas Kleiza, who was 1-for-12 in his previous two games. Kleiza nailed his first five shots -- four of which were dunks -- and finished with 18 points on 8-for-11 shooting off the bench.

Terry Porter: I already mentioned Robin Lopez's 'bawful game. What I didn't mention was that Louis Amundson logged eight fewer minutes than Lopez but played much better: 6 points (2-for-3), 6 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. He even went 2-for-2 from the line! Which begs the following question: Why didn't Amundson start, and why didn't he get more PT than Lopez? At this point, Big Lou is the better player. How can Porter not see that?

Leandro Barbosa: This guy never fails to confound me. Some nights he's brilliant, some nights he plays like a special needs child. Last night was one of the latter occurences, as Leandro went 1-for-11.

Home cookin': It's reached the point where crying foul for the Suns earns people the "creepy leper" treatment. But really: Grant Hill was fouled on the final play of regulation and didn't get the call, putting a dirty cigarette butt into the skunky beer of a night in which the Nuggets enjoyed a 43-31 advantage at the line. Said Grant Hill: "Dahntay stuck his leg out and tripped me and I lost my balance. I ran into Nene at the same time. It was pretty obvious there was something there, but I guess the officials were scared to make that call. It's really disheartening for a team to go out and play hard as we did and it comes down to a play like that where an official has the right angle. He kind of swallowed his whistle."

The standard argument in these situations is that game-deciding calls aren't made in game-deciding moments. But it sure happened with Roger Mason the other night. Point is, a fouls is a foul is a foul. And they should be called equally at all times, not selectively based on the situation. And leastways, if anybody deserves some justice, it's Grant Hill. Hasn't the poor guy been through enough over the years?

Lacktion report: Looks like Chris got off easy last night...but a couple unfortunate players did not.

Blazers-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts is starting to become a rather predictable face in the lacktion report, throwing one brick for +1 in 3:40 of unproductivity for New Jersey.

Cavs-Bulls: Even in an overtime game, there's still room for fire flowers, fungi, and gold coins, as evidenced by the Crabaliers' Tarence Kinsey and his 19-second Mario.

Mark Cuban: This is a few days late, but, still...what a douche.


Kobe Bryant: Damn him for making me laugh against my will. (Thanks to Reef for the link.)

Labels: Chicago Bulls, daily Kobe, Lebron James, Mark Cuban, NBA Cares, New Jersey Nets, officiating, Phoenix Suns, Reggie Miller, Shaq, Terry Porter, Worst of the Night

Anybody remember faux stuntman Super Dave Osborn? It's hard to believe that, in the early 90s, he was popular enough to be the featured character in a Nike commercial, with Reggie Miller getting relegated to the supporting role. If anything, you should watch this to see Reggie's hair. It's geometrically awesome.


Man, if Reggie's acting was any more wooden, you could build a nice, toasty campfire out of him. But, as Reggie himself might say: "We're not here for lollipop and kisses."

Extrapalooza: Here's Super Dave getting into it with Mr. T.

Labels: Reggie Miller, shoe commercials, Super Dave Osborn

Manu Ginobili: In today's NBA Closer column, I called Manu "Shoeless Joe Ginobili" because it sure seemed like he was trying to throw the game: 10 points, 3-for-13 shooting and 4 turnovers. And at least three of those turnovers came during critical stages of the fourth quarter. Manu kept running into traps or jumping into the air with nowhere to go and then just throwing the ball up for grabs. During the postgame press conference, Ginobili said: "There's no excuse for how I played today." He's not wrong.

Tim Duncan: If you checked Timmy's line in the box score -- 30 points, 18 rebounds, 2 steals, 4 blocked shots -- and/or stopped watching the game with four or five minutes to go, you'd think he had a spectacular game. But Duncan was just as guilty of choking down the stretch as Manu was. Maybe it was fatigue, but the Lord of the Rings sure looked scared in those final, fateful minutes: Scared to attack Pau Gasol's defense, scared to take open jumpers, scared his team was going to give up their lead and lose the game.

Seriously, at one point Timmy passed up an open 15-footer to force the ball into Tony Parker underneath the hoop, only the Lakers came away with it and, naturally, scored off of it. This is the same guy who broke the Suns' will with a game-tying three-pointer in the first round? Really?

The San Antonio bench: Thanks for next-to-nothing, guys. Ime Udoka was the "best" Spur reserve, and he finished with 7 points (3-for-7), 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 turnover and 4 fouls in 25 minutes. Michael Finley played 21 minutes and had zero points (0-for-5), 2 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Brent Barry (2 points, 1-for-3), Robert Horry (zero points, 1 block, 1 foul), Kurt Thomas (2 points and nothing else) were next to useless. And Jacque Vaughn -- who notched a five trillion -- was completely useless. But I guess that's what happens when most of the guys on your bench qualify for the senior citizen discount at McDonald's. (Thanks to Charles and Paul from France for alerting me to Jacque's five trillion.)

Update! The Spurs and Basketbawful: Did I mention San Antonio's ginormous collapse? I didn't?! Gak. Well, good thing Silly Bitch was around to do it. "I would hate for someone to come across this site not having watched the game and assume that this was just an average loss by the Spurs. You completely forgot to mention how they blew the 20 point lead they had halfway through the 3rd quarter. I know the Lakers are good but 20 points?? That's like letting a fat kid steal your cake when all you had to do was run!"

Derek Fisher: He shot 1-for-9 and finished with more fouls (5) than points (4). At times, he made even the Spurs look young and healthy. Which I guess is a pretty big accomplishment, but still.


Lamar Odom: Did he leave one of his bags behind in Utah? Because if so, his shot must be in it: 8 points on 3-for-12 shooting for Lamar.

Fun fact: Lamar was named after the gay nerd from Revenge of the Nerds. (Okay, I can't back that up. But he totally was.)

Pau Gasol: His transformation into one of the Geico cavemen is almost complete.

Luke Walton: Everybody who's suddenly all up in Mitch Kupchak's jock should remember two things: First, David Stern made the Grizzlies give up Pau Gasol so there would be a Lakers-Celtics Finals. I will always believe that. And second, he signed The Son of Walton to a six-year, $30 million contract extension last summer. I'm just sayin'. (Luke played 10 minutes last night, missing both of his shots and scoring zero points. He did have three rebounds, but man...those are expensive rebounds.)

Update! Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Jimmy shared a nice out of context quote from the Mamba. "I can get off at any time. In the second half, I did that." That's...quite the handy ability there, Mr. Bean. I don't suppose you could, you know, teach me that?

Charles Barkley: On Inside the NBA, Charles said that Reggie Miller was the best shooter he ever played with (the two played together on the 1996 U.S. Olympic Basketball Team). Mind you, Barkley also played with Larry Bird and Chris Mullin on the original Dream Team. So, you know, I guess this is just Chuck's week for vast and drastic overstatements.

Reggie Miller: So much for humility. Rather than correcting Chuck's outrageous ignorance, he responded with: "I always said that only Drazen Petrovic had a better shot than me." Wow.

Look, I'm as big a Reggie Miller fan as anybody, but, yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree all the way around. But, you know, Reggie has been going a little crazy these days.

Update! Reggie Miller, Part II: An anonymous commenter left the following golden nugget of awesome. "How about the latest Reggie-ism? Last night he said something like 'It's amazing how well the Spurs played in lieu of their flight delay...' That's twice I've heard that -- someone needs to tip him off."

Update! Yahoo: Rob from Upside And Motor noticed something amusing from our good buddies at the Y. "The Yahoo! Sports basketball NBA front page has the following headline: 'Bulls likely to draft Rose or Beasley." Groundbreaking stuff coming from the newsrooms of AP and Yahoo these days." I know what you mean. I was pretty shocked to read that the Bull were likely to use the number one pick on one of the two guys who are considered to be the consensus first and second picks in the draft. My world is freaking rocked. If they want to report some real news, they should mention how John Paxson is likely to screw this one up by once again passing up on a scoring big man for a speedy, shoot-happy guard. Because I personally would love to see a starting lineup of Kirk Hincrich, Chris Duhon, Ben Gordan, Larry Hughes and Derrick Rose.

Labels: bench play, Charles Barkley, Derek Fisher, Los Angeles Lakers, Manu Ginobili, NBA playoffs, Pau Gasol, Reggie Miller, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

The Boston offense: The Celtics shot 38 percent from the field and 3-for-14 from beyond the arc. Now, without doubt, this was in large part due to the Cleveland defense. But...it's also because Doc Rivers' offensive schemes are slow, plodding and predictable. And, as Charles Barkley pointed out after the game, the Celtics walk it up the court -- slowly -- and their main players are all jump shooters, so they rarely get easy baskets. Especially in the late stages of hard-nosed, defensive games.

Another big problem is actually a function of Boston's unselfish share-the-ball philosophy. Since they never run the offense primarily through any one player, none of their money shooters ever get on a big roll. When was the last time, for instance, that Paul Pierce went off for 40 points? If Doc senses one of his big guns is slumping, he'll run a handful of plays to try and get that player going, but it rarely lasts beyond one quarter. As a result, there's no real continuity and all of Boston's end-of-game possessions feel awkward and forced. Which, again, is in part attributable to the opposing defense. But it's also because the Celtics don't have an offense that creates easy, open shots for their players...and their players can't create them on their own.

The Big Three: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen all got shut down last night. KG scored only 2 points in the second half...and zero points in the fourth. Ray Allen shot 4-for-10 and once again struggled mightily to even get open, especially during his scoreless fourth quarter. Paul Pierce dropped 6 points in the final period, but he finished the game with 13 points on 17 shots. As Sir Charles -- and Evil Ted -- noted, it's probably past time to stop referring to these guys as The Big Three. Larry, Kevin and Robert earned that title, so let's make the new kids on the block earn it before we give it back to them.

LeBron James' shooting: King James had a strong game -- 21 points, 6 rebounds, 13 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocked shots -- and he took over in the fourth quarter, dropping dimes, hitting a dagger three and dropping a dunkbomb on KG (more on that below). But his shooting is awful, even by our ultra-low standards. Let me put it this way: He was 7-for-20 last night, and he actually improved his shooting average for the series (to 26 percent). If I was LeBron's teammate, I'd be afraid to touch the ball after him; there's no telling whether his shooting disease is contagious.

Kevin Garnett's potty mouth: The Big Ticket had some not-so-nice words for the Cavaliers and their fans. And TNT was nice enough to let us read his lips in slo-mo. (From Odenized.)


Gloria James: Ah, moms. They will do the craziest things -- and I do mean craziest -- to stand up for their sons. Even going so far as to go crazy on professional athletes during a nationally televised broadcast. Which is kind of embarrassing for LeBron, but great for this site. (Also from Odenized.)


LeBron James' potty mouth: Okay, yes: His mom got a little spaztastic, but did LeBron really need to dress her down in such a strong fasion? I mean does he kiss his mom with that mouth?


Said LeBron: "I told her to sit down, in some language I shouldn't have used. Thank God today wasn't Mother's Day. All I could think about is her. I know my mother. It's fine, we're good." Maybe. But I'm guessing Gloria is going to get a couple dozen boquets of roses delivered to her today...

LeBron the Monster: This is from Basketbawful reader Jin."I was watching the top plays over at NBA.com, and on number number one they naturally have LeBron dunking over KG toward the end of Game 4. I'm not sure which TNT announcer it was (maybe Doug Collins?), but someone suddenly blurts out 'LEBRON JAMES WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!' I don't know if that's the best or the worst call I've ever heard, but I laughed for about 10 minutes straight." I'm pretty sure that was Kevin Harlan. But yes, the call redefined awesome. Go ahead and listen for yourself.


Update! Jin had a little something to add to this: "My apologies. Apparently it was Kevin Harlan, and after doing a little research, apparently he coined the phrase in fun back when the Timberwolves sucked. I don't know if this is common knowledge or not, but I had never heard it before until now. Quite ironic that it ends up being used for Lebron, against KG though." Indeed it is. It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is knife...or maybe a song about irony that has nothing to do with actual irony.

The Boston bench: The "Green Team" got outscored 36-17 their Cleveland counterparts, and it would have been even worse without P.J. Brown and his 8 points (4-for-4). The non-Browns scored 9 points on 0-for-10 shooting. I wonder if they accidentally drank some Gatorade after LeBron or something.

ESPN.com: According to The Letters, Boston should have been eliminated from the postseason already. I mean, they just suffered their fifth straight playoff loss. Thanks to Scott B for the head's up.


The Associated Press: This little nugget came from the AP recap of last night's game: "The Cavaliers were awed by James' stuff." Thank you for that, Mr. Tom Withers, AP Sports Writer.

Crazy commentary: There were a couple of items that were unintentionally omitted from Worst of the Weekend because my buddy Statbuster was filling in for me (and he did a kickass job, if I must fluff him myself). The first is the latest Reggie-ism, courtesy of Lipsome123. "I'm sure you just heard him say that 'You don't put Robbert Horry in as a flower dressing.' I love that man." I love him too, but he is no man. He is a god.

The second is from Jimmy P. "During the 4th quarter (I think) of the Lakers/Jazz game on Sunday, as Hubie was talking about the contributions of Matt Harpring and Paul Millsap, he said that both guys help the Jazz greatly by 'banging it on both ends,' which was TMI for me." Personally, I think it was just enough information, but maybe that's just me.

Labels: bad offense, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller

Reggie Miller may not be able to speak, but he can read. Watch everybody's favorite color man garnish some attention by picking up a full steam of head in his amazing book adventures. (One question: What, exactly, was up with the rasberry beret? It's the kind you'd find at a second-hand store. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.)

Labels: commercials, mockery, Reggie Miller

Steve Javie, Derrick Stafford, Joe Forte: Sometimes the zebras get it right, sometimes they get it wrong. Very wrong. Such was the case last night in Detroit, when the game clock "froze" long enough for Chauncey Billups to beat the third quarter buzzer with momentum-changing three-pointer.

Here's the official description from the Orlando Sentinal: "The Pistons took the ball out of bounds with 5.1 seconds left, but the clock stopped at 4.8 and again at 4.1 before Billups made the three-point shot. The Magic bench erupted in protest, and officials huddled while TNT replays showed it took 5.22 seconds for the ball to leave Billups' hands, meaning Billups couldn't have gotten the shot off in time. But officials ruled the basket good, and they put .5 of a second back on the clock..."

Thanks to Odenized, we have lots of video evidence of this debacle. Here's the initial brouhaha.


Here are the TNT broadcasters showing the have a greater aptidude than the men who are paid to officiate the game.


And now, the reactions. Surprisingly enough, the Pistons don't seem too broken up about it, but who wants to bet that Rasheed Wallace would have gotten tossed if the same thing had happened to the Pistons?


The league and its stupid rules: Lead official Steve Javie declined comment after the game. But really, what else could he have done? The league's replay rules don't allow the officials to review plays in order to figure out when the shot clock started, should have started, should have stopped, etc. My question is: Why the hell not? If it's permissible to use replay at the end of games to determine whether a shot came before or after the buzzer, why not put in some kind of addendum stating that it can be used in situations like this? We can stuff astronauts into a flying tin can and send it to the moon. We have the technology. Why not, you know, use it?

Here's an interesting question posed by Brazil Thrill's Shot Was Blocked By KG on my NBA Closer column: "So will David Stern force Detroit and Orlando to replay the end of the third quarter and the entire fourth quarter of game two? If he thought a regular season game was important enough to warrant a partial re-match, why not apply the same rule during the playoffs? Or at the very least give Orlando 3 points to start with on game 3." An interesting point, eh? But I doubt Stern will do diddly squat. Because that could possibly get in the way of a Pistons-Celtics or Pistons-LeBron matchup in the Eastern Confernece Finals. Not that I'm conspiracy theorizing or anything...

The Magic's butter fingers: Memo to Stan Van Gundy: Either tell your players not to coat their hands in PAM before the game, or invest in a gross of Stickum. Orlando committed 19 turnovers that were transmogrified into 22 points for the Pistons. Worst of all, 17 of those 19 turnovers were bobbled off the hands of Rashard Lewis (6), Hedo Turkoglu (6) and Dwight Howard (5). A team cannot win if its main men keep gift-wrapping the ball and giving it away like a department store Santa.

The Orlando bench: Here is the sum total of their contribution to last night's game: 4 points on 1-for-7 shooting, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, and 8 fouls in almost 46 minutes. Holy wow, that is bad. And I mean 1986-87 Celtics bench bad.

Rip Hamilton: The Phantom once claimed that he knows whether a shot is going in before he even gets the ball. So why does he ever miss? If it's not going to go in, don't take the shot, right? Apparently not, since he was 4-for-18 last night.

Theo Ratliff: This guy inexplicably started talking trash to Rashard Lewis and the rest of the Magic after Game 1, which seems kind of strange coming from someone who barely ever plays. Did he back it up in Game 2? [Insert laugh track here] Uh, no. The line: zero points, 0-for-1 shooting, 1 rebound, zero assists, 1 blocked shot, 1 foul, 9 minutes. My advice? Zip the lip, Theo.

Walter Herrmann: Mr. Man -- who looks like a poor man's Fabio -- had a one trillion last night.

San Antonio Spurs: They looked good last night...for a half. Then the wheels came off in the third quarter, during which they were outscored 36-18. Frankly, they looked old, slow and wholly incapable of staying in front of the runnin' gunnin' Hornets. It's like the Spurs' methodical, slow-it-down-to-a-snail's-pace methodology finally backfired on them, sort of like people thought it might backfire against the Suns. Experience often overcomes youth, until experience's age falls victim to youth's fresh and tireless legs.

Gregg Popovich was so concerned -- and probably pissed off -- that at one point he yanked the starters (and foul-plagued sixth man Manu Ginobili) in favor of Ime Udoka, Brent Barry, Fabricio Oberto, Robert Horry and Jacque Vaughn. And if that's not a slap to the chops, I don't know what is. But you can't blame him. Duncan had (I think) around 11 points at the time (although he would finish with 18). Tony Parker shot 5-for-14. Michael Finley was 2-for-7. Bruce Bowen was 1-for-7. And Manu Ginobili finished 4-for-10 (he also had a game-high 5 turnovers). You could argue that, had it not been for Brent Barry (14 points, 4-for-5 from three-point range), the Spurs would have been beaten by 30.

Damon Stoudemire: As Basketbawful reader Josh pointed out, Mighty Mouse continued his championship piggyback game with a three trillion. Although it's starting to look like he might have been better off signing with the Hornets.

David West: The man's a straight-up baller, but he needs to leave the taunting on the streets where it belongs. First he punked Dirk Nowitzki -- which was pretty classless, even if it was kind of funny -- and now he's taunting...Fabricio Oberto?! That's really not necessary. (Video from Odenized.)


Reggie Miller: Reggie continues his assault on verbiosity, uh, verbalism, er, wordiology...forget it. I've been listening to Reggie too much, apparently. As Deadspin reader Tubesteak Terrorist pointed out: "According to Reggie Miller last night, David West is 'ambidextrious.'"

And there's more, this time from Rob of BigDiction.net: "Ha. No more than 6 minutes into the Spurs Hornets game Monday after a Peja three-pointer: Kevin Harlan says 'And he has been shooting at a 60% clip this postseason!,' to which Reggie Miller replies 'And that's a big plus for him.' No shit, Reggie. No shit."

And here's some retroctive Reggie from last weekend, courtesy of Basketbawful reader Nick: "In Hornets-Spurs Game 1, they had to delay the game because after Hugo the Hornet jumped through a ring of fire they couldn't put out the fire and had to use extinguishers. After they resumed play, the players were falling on the court because of the remains. Reggie Miller had this to say: 'The official is calling for the crew to come out because the players are slippering all over.' That's funny in itself, but then I looked up the word slippering. A slippering is a metonymical term for the act of smacking the buttocks, or the hands, with a slipper as a form of corporal punishment." I...really don't know what to say. Other than: Thanks for the mammaries, Reggie.

SI.com: Basketbawful reader MC Welk thinks the caption writers for the Sports Illustrated Web site are a little confused about who the Lakers are playing right now. "Lakers did a good job of getting past the Suns (right, SI?)."

The ESPN Scoreboard: Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes things that the ESPN scoreboard is almost as confused as Reggie Miller. Note how the Spurs spotted the Hornets an extra 5 points during halftime.


Then they upped it to 8 points, just for kicks.


Then the math started to go a little fuzzy. As Mr. Flakes put it: "I didn't know that 23 + 20 + 0 = 49." Me neither. But then, I failed 3rd grade math. Damn multiplication tables...


The Lakers medical staff: What are these guys doing? Practicing leechcraft? As Basketbawful reader Shrugz put it: "Wasn't Andrew Bynum supposed to be out for 2-4 weeks...in February?" Yup. Now he's out for the rest of the season. Nice. Worst medical staff ever. (Of course, that cranky knee didn't keep Andy from getting jiggy wit' it at a UCLA frat party...)

Labels: bench play, Chris Paul, David West, Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, New Orleans Hornets, officiating, Orlando Magic, Reggie Miller, Rip Hamilton, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Andre Iguodala: Philadelphia's leading scorer (19.9 PPG) has a total of 20 points on 5-for-24 shooting in two playoff games against the Pistons. In last night's blowout loss, he managed only 4 points on 1-for-9 from the field. In my preview for this series, I said: "In the two (regular season) games Philly won, Andre Iguodala scored 22 and 25 points...Iggy's got to score for the Sixers to stay competitive." And what do you know? Last night he didn't score and they couldn't stay competitive. Dismissed as coincidence. Seriously, though, Iguodala needs to become more aggressive and really take it to the Pistons in Game 3. This means more drives and fewer jumpshots (seven of his nine FGAs last night were jumpers). Which should be easier, since the Sixers will be at home (which always curtails the opposing team's hands-on defense).

Andre Miller: He did decent job scoring the basketball (14 points, 6-for-11) but not passing it (3 assists, 3 turnovers). I also noted in my series preview that: "Andre Miller has to keep the offense running." He's much more valuable to his team as a playmaker than as a scorer (although his scoring his important too). He can't let Detroit turn him into more of a scorer than a setup man.

Philly's defense: I know they ran into a buzzsaw, because the Pistons were determined to redeem themselves after losing Game 1. But still...no club should be allowed to shoot 55 percent as a team in the postseason. This is the playoffs, man. The playoffs.

Mike Bibby: Bibs played pretty poorly in Game 1 -- 5 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 1 assist, 2 turnovers -- much to the raucous delight of the Celtics' home crowd. His response? Well, Bibby uncharacteristically fired a few volleys at the Boston faithful: "They are fair-weather fans if you ask me. They were kind of loud in the beginning (of Game 1), but a lot of those fans are bandwagon jumpers trying to get on this now. I played here last year, too (with the Sacramento Kings), and I didn't see three-quarters of them. They're for the team now and they might get a little rowdy, but that's about it."

Those were stupid words delivered at the worst possible time, and Boston center Kendrick Perkins couldn't believe it: "He said what? Coming off a 2-for-10 night shooting, you'd say something like that, too." Of course, Bibby -- already on a roll -- couldn't let that one go: "I don't know where (Perkins) got this tough streak from. His stat line was worse than mine. Anybody else, I might take a little (bit differently). Until he does something in his career, for him to come at me like that, it kind of upsets me."

Was he ever. Mikey-boy was so troubled by Perkins and his unfair comments that he went out and shot 2-for-7 and had 1 lonely assist. That'll teach that loser, Mike! Meanwhile, Rajon Rondo out-veteren-ed Bibby for the second straight game (12 points, 6-for-11, 6 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals). It got so bad that Atlanta coach Mike Woodson to replaced Bibby with bench monkey Acie Law IV. (And it should be noted that Law hit as many field goals in 21 minutes as Bibby has in Games 1 and 2.) The Boston Bandwagoneers noticed this, of course, and not only cheers for Bibby's return ("Whe-eres Bib-ee?") but also let him know where he ranks in the point guard food chain ("Ron-do's be-tter!" )

And you know what? Bibby still wouldn't shut up.

After the game, Bibs again went after both Perkins ("I thought he tried to hit me a couple of times, but I didn't really feel it.") and Celtics fans ("They know who they are. If they took offense, they must be part of it. I guess they are all bandwagon jumpers."). Keep talkin', Mike. Just keep on talkin'...

Josh Smith: Smith certainly played poorly enough to warrant WotN consideration -- 3-for-13 shooting, 5 turnovers, 5 personal fouls -- but the real reason he's here is because of something that happened less than a minute and a half into the game. Smith committed a hard foul on Paul Pierce in which he took Paul Pierce down, landed on him, and then rolled over his head. And I'm sorry, but you cannot tell me that occurred purely by accident. Pierce had to leave the game for a while, but it didn't effect the outcome. We'd probably have heard a lot more about this play if it had.

Joe Johnson: The Hawks' captain scored 11 points -- about half of his regular season average -- on 4-for-10 shooting, and he had 5 turnovers to only 1 assist. Now he knows how the captain of the Hindenburg felt.

Update! Mario West: Basketbawful reader friesenth gave me the following reminder: "You forgot to mention Mario West and his 31 seconds of zero-for-everything lack-tion." Indeed I did. Sorry.

Tony Allen: The low point last night for the Celtics was Allen's three trillion.

The Enver Nuggets: The Lakers scored 122 points on 50 percent shooting. Kobe went off for 49 points and 10 assists. And the Nuggets' defense -- which relies on ramble-scramble action and forced turnovers -- took the ball away from L.A. only 11 times. I said this over and over and over during the regular season: Enver uses a gimmick defense that cannot work consistently against disciplined teams. Which the Lakers (and most other playoff teams) are. And yet all sorts of people wanted to argue with me because they Nuggets ranked in the top ten in defensive efficiency. So...where are all those people now? Hello? Anybody out there? And for the record: According to Hollinger's latest stats, the Nuggets rank next to last in defensive efficiency during the playoffs (ahead of only Dallas). That sound you just heard was checkmate.

Kenyon Martin: This is what I wrote in my NBA Closer column today: "Assume that you're on a team that barely squeaked into the playoffs. Further assume that your team is perhaps hopelessly overmatched no matter what you do. Now assume you're facing off against the opposing team's best player, and that player is Kobe Bryant. Do you a) Pull a Shane Battier and work your butt off on D while quietly hoping for the best, b) Clothesline his arrogant ass, or c) Talk some smackity-smack to get him mad? Of course, the right answer is a, the righter answer is b, and the idiot's answer is c. Guess which one Kenyon Martin chose?" In other news, Kobe scored 49 points and the Lakers routed the Nuggets. But speaking of Kobe...

Kobe Byrant: Warning!! Kobe lovers should turn back now, or skip ahead to the next entry. If you are a Kobe lover and can't help but read the following criticisms, then please answer the embedded questions before going off on your own diatribe.

Leave it to the Mamba to use a brilliant game as an excuse to exude arrogance and classlessness...again. This was Game 2 of a first-round series. I repeat: Game 2 of a first-round series. Great players on great teams don't freak out about playing well in the first round, particularly in non-deciding games. I mean, other than Michael's crazy jumping-in-the-air celebration after hitting The Shot over Craig Ehlo in Game 5 of Chicago's first-round series against the Cavaliers, can you ever remember Jordan getting all smug about crushing some hapless eighth seed? And even in that example, Michael was at that time a five-year pro who had only ever won a single playoff series. Kobe's a 12-year veteran who's been on three title teams.

Yet there was Kobe, doing his fist pumps, flexing his biceps Hulk Hogan-style, blowing smoke off his fingers like he was poppin' caps, and screaming in primal rage. He also popped his jersey about 40 times after a made shot. Seriously. Watch the video. I know he's excited and everything, but is all that crowing really necessary? Does a (potential) MVP need to act that way? I mean, has any other NBA legend -- Bird, Chamberlain, Hakeem, Jordan, Kareem, Magic, Malone, Oscar, Robinson, Russell, Stockton, West -- ever rubbed a spectacular performance in his opponents' noses this much during an early game of a first round series? That's the exclusive province of guys like Chuck Person. You kind of don't expect that crap from an MVP candidate. Well, unless that candidate is Kobe.

(And for the record, I predicted this would happen.)

Update! Doc posted the following comment to this post: "Those are fair criticisms of Kobe. But why not weigh in against Garnett as well? He spent the fourth quarter pulling the same moves (screaming into the air, raising his arms to the crowd, shaking his head threateningly) against a sub-.500 playoff opponent that the Celtics were beating by 20. This is after Garnett had been shooting around 36% from the field. Kobe at least turned in a dominating all-around performance against a 50-win team, who were within 5 at one point of the fourth quarter. Can't argue with you that he has a real hard time exhibiting class, but those standards should be applied across the board, especially when the other guy in question is your MVP choice."

Those are good points, Doc. I'm slightly abashed to admit that I stepped away from the fourth quarter of that game to do a few things...so I didn't see KG's antics. For the record, I wouldn't have appreciated them. There is one caveat, though, which is tha Garnett has acted that way for most of his career: Winning, losing, up 20, down 20, in big games, in meaningless games. It's part of that whole intense "wildman" persona he uses to amp up his game. It just seems more like a natural behavior -- like a tea kettle letting off steam or a dog humping your leg -- than what Kobe did. You get the feeling that KG can't contain his freakosity; when Kobe does it, he's clearly trying to show his opponents up.

Update! George Karl: Once again, my oversights are corrected by a reader. Rob Mahoney from Upside and Motor had this to say: "Wait, you put Kenyon Martin and the Nugs on Worst of the Night, but no mention of George Karl? No love for the mastermind who decided Martin and Edward Najera were good covers for Kobe? I honestly think his Karlness would be offended that you wouldn't feature him in a post about the worst of the NBA." Far be it from me to offend somebody who took the "D" out of Enver.

Steven Hunter and Ira Newble: One of the hidden subplots of the Nuggets-Lakers series is the duel between lousy roleplayers. Hunter and Newble each had a one trillion last night.

Reggie Miller: Rob S. let us know that Reggie continues to give color commentary lessons in the Knave's English: "I'm just watching the Lakers-Nuggets game and there's about 4 minutes left in the third and Reggie Miller just said, 'Kobe garnishes a lot of attention,' like Kobe is a sprig of cilantro or something. One might suspect he meant to say Kobe GARNERS a lot of attention, but at this point I really don't think Reggie even knows what he means to say. Awful." As a long-time Pacers fan, I officially have no comment. (Although my unofficial comment is, "Gak.") Update! Another Miller-related tidbit from Austen: "How about an extra 'Worst of the Night' bit for Reggie Miller for that idiotic bit during the Nuggets-Lakers game regarding the Celtics/Lakers Finals Matchups. He went through three minutes worth of stats only to have his final point be 'so as you can see, having that #1 Seed is a real plus!' No s***, Sherlock!"

Update! ESPN, TNT, NBA TV, and ABC: More from Austen: "Another Worst of the Night should go to ESPN/TNT/NBA TV/ABC for completely ignoring the Jazz/Rockets series once the Jazz won that first game. Ever since then (and I noticed this last night), whenever the commentators would remind everyone of the games coming up the next couple of days, the next in the Jazz/Rockets series would be conveniently left out. The commentators wouldn't mention it, and there wouldn't be a line of text about it on the screen, either. I know the Jazz have this series sewn up and the league despises the Jazz in general for being a small market team knocking out big market teams, but this series still has 2 games left! I wonder if this is as insulting to Rockets fans as it is to this Jazz fan."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Andre Miller, Denver Nuggets, Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Kenyon Martin, Kobe Bryant, Mike Bibby, Philadelphia 76ers, Reggie Miller, Tony Allen

man region (man re'-juhn) noun. The male genital area, consisting of a penis, scrotum, and (in most cases) two testicles.

Usage example: Nothing hurts quite like getting hit in the man region.

Word History: Beefy McManstick. Fandangled Mandangler. Longrod Von Hugenstein. Rodzilla. The Schlongmaster 2000. Zamboni Baloney. So many ways to refer to a man's Love Truncheon, so few of which can be used on national television. Broadcasters usually just say something insufferably lame like "he had the wind knocked out of him" or "he's shaken up." But now, thanks to the legendary Reggie Miller, we have a real option.

On January 31, 2008 -- also known as "last Thursday" -- Miller coined the phrase during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." Go ahead and listen to the exchange. It will make your dad finally respect you. We promise.


Fan-tastic Extra: Since I love you all -- even the misguided Lakers fans -- here's a picture of Karl Malone postmarking a kick to Robert Horry's man region. The Mailman always delivered!

Another "clutch shot" for Robert Horry.

Labels: balls, Karl Malone, nutshots, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Word of the Day

shug (shug) noun. A simple gesture of good will that begins as a handshake and seamlessly transitions into a hug-like, semi-embrace. This act should last no more than one to three seconds, and it is often accompanied by a firm slap on the back and whispered words of affection, encouragement, or challenge. Also referred to as a "man hug," this gesture is used both as a pre-game greeting and as a sign of post-game celebration (with a teammate) or courtesy (for an opponent).

Usage example: Today's NBA players always shug before the opening tip.

Word Trivia: I could write an expansive list that outlines the do's and don'ts of shugging another man, but what's the point? Let your schlong be your guide, my friends. If your Buster McThunderstick remains as cold and unmoving as an ancient Egyptian obelisk, then all is well. If, however, your purple-headed meat scepter begins to shrivel and squirm around like a kitten dropped into a bucket of acid, then something has gone terribly wrong and the shug should be aborted immediately (if not sooner). In case you're a eunuch, here are a few simple examples that may assist you in future shugging endeavors.

Wrong: The following shug starts out with far too much intimacy. Gazing longingly into another dude's eyes is more like the prelude to sweaty, man-on-man action than a stouthearted sign of virile camaraderie.

"I'll never forget those sunny Dallasdays...or those hot Dallas nights."
Right: You can see that Manu Ginobili is about to slap Tony Parker on the back -- always a plus -- and that his eyes are rolled up in a disdainful look of "I do not enjoy touching other men in this way, but sportsmanship demands it." This is a textbook shug.

"I am doing this only because I must."
Wrong: Here Kevin Willis commits the cardinal sin of shugging: Going too far too fast into a double-armed bunny hug complete with his head dipping down onto Tim Duncan's shoulder. You can tell Tim is trying to disassociate himself from this womanly act, as well he should.

"Uh, you need to get off me man..."
Right: Michael Jordan wasn't just one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history, he was also one of the best shuggers of all time. Notice that his hands never open during the shug; they remain resolute fists of fury that can, if needed, be used to bludgeon his fellow shuggee into a shapeless, pulpy mass. Note also that he's sharing a few words with Reggie Miller, probably something along the lines of "I hope you're ready for a serious ass-kicking."

"You know I have to kick your ass now, right?"
Wrong...and right: This is a full-bodied, head-gripping embrace between Kobe Bryant and former teammate Robert Horry wacko-madman Stephen Jackson. This is about as wrong as a shug can possibly get, short of the two men actually grinding their genitals together. However, astute observers will notice that Kobe is clearly wracked with anguish and (!!) crying. And there's everything right about that.

"It's so cold. Please hold me."

Labels: Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Willis, Kobe Bryant, manliness, Manu Ginobili, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Word of the Day

Allan Houston. Charles Oakley. Penny Hardaway. Reggie Miller. These and other former All-Stars are either making a comeback or are thinking about making a comeback. Even Greg "Dancing Queen" Ostertag is contemplating a return to the NBA, and he wasn't any good to begin with.

Nostalgia is fun. It's why we hang on to old toys and watch ESPN Classic. Spiderman #300 is a collector's item, but that's not why I keep it sealed in a plastic bag and stored inside a moisture-protected box. I do all that so I can see Spiderman punch Green Goblin* in the face any time I want. Reliving our happiest memories is one of the highlights of human existence, so it's totally natural to get excited when a living legend crawls out of the mothballs. Although he retired in 1973, Wilt Chamberlain made an annual "I just might come back someday" announcement up through the late 80s...and people would wet themselves every single time. Seriously, stock prices for adult diapers would skyrocket whenever Wilt did a television interview.

We all want to see the great ones play again, but once the initial nostalgic blitz fades, we're left with one incontrovertible fact: Comebacks never end well. Not for George Mikan (who averaged 10 PPG and lasted half a season), or Bob Cousy (who scored 0.7 PPG and lasted only seven games), or Dave Cowens (who averaged 8 PPG in 40 games), or even Michael Jordan** (who compiled a 74-90 record and zero playoff appearances in two seasons with the Wizards).

I guess Magic Johnson did "okay" in '96 -- 14 PPG, 7 APG, 6 RPG, 32 games, and a first round playoff exit -- but he came back fat and sassy; his once-slender body was covered in 40 pounds of excess blubber, he feuded with his younger teammates, and he even got suspended for chest-bumping an official. Watching the greatest point guard of all time play power forward and waddle up and down the court -- leading my college roommate to quip "Hey, the Lakers are running the FAT BREAK!!" -- ruined about 50 percent of my childhood memories. (The other half were ruined when I accidentally walked in on my grandparents playing "Queen of Pain." Don't ask).

Which brings me to my next point. I don't know what's more depressing: Watching formerly great players come back and fail, or watching them transmogrify into disgusting fatties. What exactly happens when NBA players retire? Do they invest their entire pension on Twinkies and Moon Pies? According to sports-nutrition and weight-loss experts, the answer is obvious: Active athletes need more calories than they get, while retired athletes gobble up more calories than they need. Ex-pros transform into lumbering ham monsters the same way the rest of us do: Too much food, not enough exercise.

Magic and Charles Barkley are prime examples of this. If you ever watch the TNT Pregame Show and Halftime Report, you'll notice those guys are always on opposite ends of the broadcasting table. That's to keep the studio from tipping over. Even Michael Jordan's getting into the fat act; last season he was spotted in a skybox at a nationally televised Bulls game sporting a tragic yellow turtleneck and a jiggly paunch. And let's not forget Larry Legend. This picture was taken at a Celtics/Pacers game last November.

Why, Larry? Oh god, why?
Brett over at The Association thought it was a fat guy in a Larry Bird costume. I can only wish that was true. It's all there: The turtleneck (which people apparently think is some sort of "fat camouflage"), the double-chin, the 12-pack abs. Holy god, his head is so bulbous his hair doesn't even fit on it anymore. I didn't know that was even possible. WTF??

There's a simple answer. Larry's a junk food junkie. This is obvious from the products he endorses. Take this old commercial for Lay's brand Potato Chips. The premise is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar bets Larry that he can't eat only one lard-soaked grease chip. And of course he can't. This commercial also introduces us to the nameless horror of Larry Bird's bald head.


There are others, but my personal favorite is a McDonald's clip for the "Big 33" burger. The commercial opens with Bird citing his height and what we must assume was his playing weight, and explaining that he's a "big guy" and an "awful big eater." Next, Larry confides that he loves "hambuggers," which is why he typically eats six regular burgers and/or three Quarter Pounders in a single sitting. He then introduces us to his personalized burger: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese that's wrapped in bacon and soaked in barbeque sauce. Finally, we're treated to a montage of Larry stuffing his face full of Big 33 burgers, followed by glowing praise delivered in his trademark Midwestern drawl: "Purty tastee."


The burger, or bugger, actually doesn't look half bad. I'm sure that it is, as Bird helpfully pointed out, pretty tasty. But that doesn't mean you have to eat a plateful of them. I don't know. The greats ones are always described as having a burning hunger for winning. Maybe it's just a burning hunger, period. I can only hope that Larry, Magic, and the others hook up with the NutriSystem Diet. Hey, it worked for Dan Marino.

* Spiderman actually punched Venom in the face in issue 300. I just wanted to say Green Goblin.

** Let's get something straight: I don't count Jordan's first comeback as a true "comeback." Mike took a year off in his prime and came back in his prime. That's not a comeback, it's a vacation.

Labels: Charles Barkley, comebacks, fat guys, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Wilt Chamberlain

superstar move (soo'-pur-star' moov) noun. A basketball move that, while technically illegal and/or morally questionable, is regularly executed by superstars and allowed by the officials.

Usage example: Michael Jordan's pushoff of Bryon Russell is the most famous use of a superstar move in NBA history.

The Top 11 Superstar Moves

We all know that superstars are allowed to travel and receive the benefit of every iffy call, but certain players developed a signature move that takes full advantage of the fact that the refs turn a blind eye to their tactics. Here is a list of the "best" all-time superstar moves.

1. The Off-arm Pushoff: In his youth, Michael Jordan had the speed and explosiveness to get to the hoop at will. But he lost a step going into his 30s, and taking it to the cup wasn't nearly as easy. No matter. Jordan developed a go-to strategy that negated his loss of quickness; he would simply drive with his right hand and use his left arm to wipe away his defender. Just go back and watch some old Bulls games from the 90s. Jordan's off-arm was like a powerful, slithering snake, squeezing in between defenders and pushing them out of his way. He was a master at doing this without drawing attention to it...although there was at least one occasion where he wasn't so subtle (see Game 6 of the 1998 Finals). Notable victim: Bryon Russell. Update: Watch it.


2. The Drop, Flop, and Roll: Dwyane Wade and freethrows are a winning combination, better even than chocolate and peanut butter, though not quite as good as boobs and, well, more boobs. Wade learned this early and used it often -- the freethrow thing, not the boob thing -- so that by his third year in the NBA he was a league champion and Finals MVP. His signature move is driving headlong into a crowd, drawing some form of contact, and then dropping to the floor like a stone. Knock him down seven times, and he'll get up eight. Then shoot some more freethrows. Notable victim: The Dallas Mavericks. Update: Watch it.


3. The Elbow-out Jumper: Kobe Bryant is an amazing physical specimen. His combination of speed, strength, and athleticism enable him to create a shooting pocket in almost any situation. And when he can't, well, he just uses his elbow to fire a warning shot across his defenders face...and that gives him all the room he needs. Of course, Kobe's errant elbows caught the attention of the league office last season, and he was suspended not for his clearouts but for bashing faces while trying to draw end-of-game fouls. Notable victim: Raja Bell.

4. The Three-Step-And-A-Hop Jumper: Patrick Ewing loved to drive across the lane and shoot the 12 to 15-foot jumper; he scored about 87 percent of his baskets that way. Too bad it was almost always a travel. Ewing would dribble once, take three massive steps, then do a little hop before elevating for his shot. There was nothing subtle about this particular move, but he got away with it again and again during his career (and it led to one of Marv Albert's most famous quotes: "Ewing gets the step...YES!"). In fact, I bet that EA Sports has been paying Ewing royalties ever since they added the "pro hop" to the list of special moves in the NBA Live series. Notable victim: The Chicago Bulls.

5. The 23-second Postup: As Charles Barkley got older, his post moves got slower. And...I...mean...slooooooooower. Most of the time, Chuck would run more than 20 seconds off the clock while using his giant ass to back his man deep into the paint. Here's a general rule of thumb: If your post-up moves are better tracked with a calendar than a stopwatch, you're probably doing something wrong. The NBA responded to Barkley (and guys like Mark Jackson) by establishing a five-second post-up rule prior to the 1999-2000 season. But although it wasn't technically illegal until his final season, it was always painful to watch. Notable victim: Robert Horry.

6. The Kickout Jumper: During his 18-year career, Reggie Miller was best known for tirelessly running off screens to get open for a jump shot. But he also liked to kick out his legs at the tail-end of each shot. The point and purpose of the kickout was not to aid his deft jumper, but to draw a little extra contact from his defender and hopefully get a whistle. More often than not, the tactic worked, partly because his defenders were usually scrambling madly to catch up with him, and partly because Miller was great at selling the foul by flailing his scrawny arms and letting out a well-timed "Whuuaaaargh!" Notable victim: Spike Lee.

7. The Bowl-Your-Man-Down: For most of the last decade or so, trying to stop Shaq in the paint was like trying to stop fat people from eating gravy. The Diesel was (and still is) bigger and stronger than just about anybody else. And if that wasn't advantage enough, the refs usually just stoood by and let him smash through his hapless defenders on his lumbering trips to Dunkville. The only way opposing players were able to counter Shaq was to take some contact and then keel over like they'd been shot. In fact, Shaq's unstoppableness is almost wholly responsible for the Age of Flop we are currently living through. Notable victims: Vlade Divac. Update: Watch it.


8. The Amazing Changing Pivot Feet: Kevin McHale had the best collection of low-post moves of all time: the worm move, the slippery eel, the white salamander, and so on. A large part of his back-to-the-basket repertoire was dependent on precise and well-timed footwork. But every once in a while, McHale would squirm his way into an impossible situation. Since he was a reluctant passer (teammate Danny Ainge nicknamed him The Black Hole), McHale was often forced to -- as the announcers put it -- "invent a move." This was usually a clever euphemism for "switch the pivot foot." That's the only way to explain how McHale could migrate 10 feet across the paint on a single move. Notable victims: John Salley (who referred to guarding McHale in the post as "being in the torture chamber."). Update: McHale is too old-school for a YouTube clip, but watch Dwyane Wade do it.


9. The Killer Palmover: I'm not saying Allen Iverson isn't a great basketball player, but sometimes I think he'd be more at home on the And 1 Tour than the NBA. That dude loves to handle the rock, and everything from his standard dribble to his crossover was imported straight from the street circuit...because he palms the ball almost every time. As if his crazy speed didn't give him enough of an advantage. Notable victims: The Michael Jordan. Update: Watch it.


10. The Five-Step Dunk: I won't attribute this to any one player (although Michael Jordan perfected it in the 90s) because every superstar (and quite a few non-superstars) is allowed to do it: Take three, four, even five steps en route to a thrilling dunk. Let's face it, the NBA is a spectator sport -- FAN-tastic, you might even say -- and the officials give players a little extra leeway when it comes to exciting the crowd. If somebody is swooping in for an uncontested dunk on the fast break, what's the harm in letting him take a few extra steps? Notable victims: Integrity.

11. The Skyhook Brushoff: How could I forget Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, whose unstoppable skyhook was made unstoppable partly because his off-arm was thrown up like a defensive wall between him and his defender. And when opposing players bumped that arm, they were more often than not called for a foul. Here are several examples.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley, Kevin McHale Patrick Ewing, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan Dwyane Wade, Reggie Miller, Shaq, Word of the Day