Clearly this was not what Stephen Jackson had in mind whenhe said he was "made for the playoffs and championships."
Allen Iverson: Three games. The Allen Iverson Experiment in Memphis lasted only three games before Iverson left the team for "personal reasons," which probably had as much to do with him coming off the bench as anything else. Now the Grizzlies have cut The Not Answer loose. Ironically, the team's acquisition of Jamaal Tinsley -- whom the Indiana Pacers had spent the better part of the last two seasons paying millions of dollars to just stay away -- sealed Iverson's fate. According to Memphis GM Chris Wallace: "Because of personal matters that forced him to leave the team on November 7, Allen will step away from the game at this time, allowing him to focus on those matters. As a result, we will be ending our contractual agreement with Allen, which will allow both parties to move forward. We wish Allen the best."

Iverson never even played a game on the Grizzlies' home court.

It was a doomed marriage to begin with. Iverson seems to truly believe he's still a superstar who deserves carte blanch...which means a starting role and 20-25 shots per game. The Grizzlies, meanwhile, are building around young players like Rudy Gay, O.J. Mayo, Hasheem Thabeet and DeMarre Carroll. For better or worse, those players are the future in Memphis. Iverson, on the other hand, was a stop gap at best. And besides, he had no real interest in playing for a celler dweller like the Grizzlies. They were simply the only team willing to sign him, and he was trying to reboot his career in the hopes of maybe hooking up with a contender once he'd proved himself again. Well...REBOOT FAIL.

Iverson clearly doesn't feel like he should have to prove himself at all. He looks in the mirror and sees a four-time scoring champion, 10-time All-Star and former MVP who recently became only the 16th player in NBA history to score 24,000 points. On paper, he looks like a real catch. Kind of like Paris Hilton. But in reality, he's a flawed, inefficient player with a me-first attitude. Well, maybe me-first is the wrong way to put it. He wants to win, truly desires team success, but only on his own terms. Wait...I guess me-first was the right way to put it after all.

A few years ago, Iverson and Kevin Garnett were two of the great "what if" players in NBA history, and perhaps the two greatest of the last decade. Everyone always wondered: "What if AI and KG had quality teammates? What would happen then?"

Well, we found out, didn't we? Garnett, once he was paired with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, steamrolled to a championship. Meanwhile, Iverson failed to lift the Nuggets (who improved immensely when he was exchanged for Chauncey Billups) and then completely bombed in Detroit (and there's no question that the Pistons were and are better off without him). And now his three-game stint in Memphis has further stained the reputation of someone who, until recently, was often talked about as one of the all-time greats.

Personally, I never quite understood that. In the end, was Iverson effectively any greater than, say, Dominique Wilkins or Pistol Pete Maravich? Those three players were all brilliant showmen, high-powered scorers, outstanding on an individual basis. They all could have won a lot of tropies if the NBA was a one-on-one league in which games were played to 11 by 1s aned 2s. But it's not. It's a team sport. And Iverson's best season happened only because Larry Brown coached the hell out of a Sixers team full of roleplayers who were willing to kill themselves despite never touching the ball. Iverson benefitted from the perfect storm of circumstances that season. And you'll notice that he never came close to reaching that level of team success ever again. It was an abberation more than an indication of greatness.

Is Iverson finished in the NBA. Maybe. Probably. Although I read that the New York Knicks have expressed interest. Fitting, huh? You'd think that Donnie Walsh would be smart enough to avoid the possibility of another Stephon Marbury-type situation. Of course, if anybody can resurrect Iverson's career, it's Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni. You can bet he'd be willing to start Iverson and let him chuck 'em up without remorse...just like everyone else on the Bricks.

My biggest regret in this whole mess is that the league won't be able to give Iverson a bogus spot on the All-Star team. Which is too bad, because Basketbawful reader Jordan sent in the perfect promo poster:


Stephen Jackson: In the ultimate example of "be careful what you wish for" -- not to mention poetic justice -- Captain Jack was finally traded to the Charlotte Bobcats. Of course, that wasn't exactly was S-Jax had in mind this summer when he made his much-publicized trade demands and said: "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." His wish list included Cleveland, New York, or one of the Texas teams.

Well, New York was out of the question (they're still saving cap space for next summers doomed-to-failure run at Lebron). The Mavericks are on fire and don't need him. The Rockets and Spurs go after character guys, so they probably don't want him. There was talk about the Cavaliers trying to deal for Jackson, but their supposed offer included a sign-and-trade of Wally Szczerbiak (who's still recovering from a major knee surgery and currently out of the league indefinitely) and Delonte West (who could end up in jail on gun charges). The Warriors wanted Jackson gone...but not that badly. So they were willing to take Charlotte's deal which included Raja Bell and Vladimir "Space Cadat" Radmanovic. One, two, three, pass the trash!

Jackson, for his part, is taking the moral low ground and blaming the Warriors for the whole mess: "I wanted to be out pretty bad. Things were going bad. I was getting blamed for everything. I wasn't seeing eye to eye with the team. I got fined in preseason, which was ridiculous. It was just a lot of things that I didn't agree with that was going on."

One thing in Captain Jack's favor is that he'll be coached by Larry Brown, the same guy who managed to squeeze some blood out of the Allen Iverson turnip. And let's face it, Charlotte is the league's lowest scoring team...so they need the help. Said Brown: "I know Stephen, he loves to play, and we've got to make it work out -- and I'm confident it will."

S-Jax was pretty thrilled to hear about that, and anxious to take a stab at Don Nelson: "The kind of coach I want that has your back. That's something that's big to me. If a coach has my back, then I don't mind playing 110 percent for him." You might wonder where Jackson's going to get that extra 10 percent. Well, since he's been giving about zero percent on the defensive end for the last couple seasons, he's got plenty of percents to give.

Mark Stevens: You may not know him, but he's Stephen Jackson's agent. You know, the man who got his client traded to the Bobcats. Well, Jackson wanted to be on a contender, and that's what he got. Of course, the 'Cats are contending to become the lowest scoring team of the shot clock era...but that's still contending! Stevens, predictably, is on spin control: "He's happy about the trade, delighted about the trade. This is what he wanted, a new start, and this gives him a chance to compete. Plus he's a huge fan of that team's president, Michael Jordan." Riiiiiight. And let me guess...you have some swamp land in Florida to sell me, too, right?

The Charlotte Bobcats: Let's hope the Captain Jack trade breaths some life into this depressing team. Last night, they managed to shoot over 50 percent and outscore the Magic (who, of course, have All-Star center Dwight Howard) 40-36 in the paint, but failed nonetheless thanks in part to 11 missed free throws and the 21 points they gave up on 17 turnovers. What a waste of a career-high-tying 31-point effort from Flip Murray. The 97-91 setback was Charlotte's fifth straight loss and their 11th consecutive defeat on the road dating back to last season. The 'Cats are now 1-10 all-time when playing in Orlando.

By the way, Jackson's debut with his new team was highlighted by 13 points in 14 shots and a game-high 4 turnovers.

The Oden Watch: Another game, another 5 personal fouls for Big Greg. It's also worth noting that The Next Great Center (11 points, 5-for-9, 7 rebounds, 1 block, game-high 4 turnovers) was thoroughly outplayed by his Atlantean counterpart Al Horford (15 points, 7-for-10, 10 rebounds, 2 blocks, no turnovers). Heck, even Hawks pine rider Zaza Pachulia (7 points, 9 boards) outrebounded him despite playing 14 fewer minutes. As always, I'm just sayin'...

The New Jersey Nyets: Basketbawful reader Alex K. sent in one of the most depressing e-mails a basketball fan can ever receive from his team. Said Alex: "In case you didn't see this already, this pretty much sums up what it's like to be a Nets fan. Ugh."


Isiah Thomas: Like Sugar Ray said: it never ends...it never ends.

Pau Gasol: I didn't see Pau on CSI last night, but Dan B. sent me the link to the KenTremendous Twitter, which has some funny Pau-on-CSI-themed jokes. Can anybody let me know how it was?

Lacktion Report: After watching Derek Anderson compile a fourth-quarter passer rating of 3.1 on Monday Night Football, Chris somehow had the strength of will left to report on the NBA lacktion:

Blazers-Hawks: Joe Smith and Maurice Evans each gave the dirty birds a +2 suck differential, through differing means: Evans via two bricks in 5:53, and Smith via two fouls in 3:58.

Mavs-Bucks: James Singleton fouled twice and missed one shot for a +3 in 2:33.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Charlotte Bobcats, fan submissions, Golden State Warriors, Greg Oden, Isiah Thomas, Pau Gasol, Stephen Jackson, team cancers

I forgot to ask everybody to vote Basketbawful in the second round of the Basketblog Header Playoffs...but we won anyway, edging the top-seeded Fear The Beard by the slimmest of margins. I know, I know. We rock.

Basketbawful is going up against Red's Army in the Final Four. It's time for you, dear readers, to go over there and put me over the top, Sylvester Stallone-style.

Okay then. Now that I've gotten the shameless plug out of the way, here's some hand-holdin' man love, sent in by both Dan B. and Michael T. (who provided the caption.) Take a careful peek into the background. Is that the rage of jealousy I see in Mamba's grim visage...?

Te amo, Bynum.

Labels: Andrew Bynum, fan submissions, man love, Pau Gasol, shameless voting plug

This one isn't nearly as bad as The Zach Randolph Abomination, but it's still pretty darn craptastic. It even made Basketbawful reader Aram -- who kindly sent in a graphic of the play-by-play -- embarrassed to be a Lakers fan. As well he should be. (But for reasons other than this.)


I'm also awarding bonus 'bawful points to the Grizzlies for employing a "rebounding optional" defensive strategy. "Hey, I know! If we make them take five or six shots per possession, they'll eventually tire themselves out! Brilliant!" Oh, and for the record, I see this sort of thing happen in pickup basketball all the time.

Labels: fan submissions, Los Angels Lakers, Pau Gasol, worst possessions

Pau Gasol may look like a mildly retarded hillbilly who should be featured in a deleted scene from Deliverance, but these NBA Finals have taught us that everybody loves themselves a little Spanish Marshmallow. To wit: Here are Pau and James Posey reenacting their favorite scene from Big Black Men, Broken White Boys Part 37. (Please note that both actors were at least 18 years of age at the time of filming. As far as you know. And no farm animals were harmed during production. Also as far as you know.)


In a later scene from that same movie, Pau recieves an "unhappy ending" from Paul Pierce, who was apparently wearing a latex glove coated in barbed wire, thumb tacks and little biting piranhas. And that can't feel good.


Then, in the film's gripping climax, Pau finds comfort where it had been waiting for him -- warm and wet -- all along: In the arms of his superstar teammate. Does Kobe finally "pass" Pau "the ball"? You'll have to watch and find out for yourself.


And since no porn DVD is complete without bonus footage, here's a little mantastic extra between Dick Bavetta -- who has a history with hunky basketballers -- and Sasha Vujacic. Don't worry, Sasha. He may be old, but he's experienced. (Blllaaarrgghfff! Okay. I'm better now. Bllooooaaaarrrgghff! Okay. I guess I wasn't.)


Today's man love casserole was served up fresh and hot by Basketbawful readers charles and karl.

Labels: Boston Celtics, fan submissions, hand jobs, Los Angeles Lakers, man love, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce

Note: Do little girls want to be dragged away from their My Little Pony playsets to be put on display at the NBA Finals? Based on this picture, the answer is "very no."

The Celtics in the first quarter: It was like a psychedelic flashback to Game 4, only without the singing pixies and dancing fruit (or was that just me?). Boston started the game out-of-synch both offensively and defensively (and that's putting it kindly). Kevin Garnett got in early foul trouble and had to sit. Kobe went kill-crazy (four three-pointers and 15 first-quarter points). Next thing you know, the Celtics were down by 19 points. The quarter ended Los Angeles 39, Boston 22.

Frankly, I place most of the blame on Doc Rivers. The Celtics optimum lineup right now is KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, James Posey and Eddie House. It's as clear as the nose on Michelle Kwan's face. (By the way, what was up with that potato sack she was wearing last night? You've got a figure skater's body, Michelle. Show it off.) But instead of succumbing to common sense -- like even the dumbest fantasy sports manager would have done -- and using what worked to perfection in Game 4, Doc started Rajon Rondo at the point and Leon Ka-Powe(for the injured Kendrick Perkins) at center.

It was a stupid move that had catastrophic results. By starting Rondo and Powe (who was quickly replaced by P.J. Brown), Doc played right into the Lakers hands. And those hands went straight around the Celtics' collective throat and started choking a bitch.

Like most coaches, Doc wants to stand by the guys who got him to the Finals. Which is fine...when it's working. When it's not, it's like watching somebody with a head wound try to read random words out of a medical text. In other words: Painful. And while a applaud Doc's loyalty, facts are facts: Rajon Rondo is killing the Celtics right now. The Lakers don't have to defend him, and Rondo knows it. He's completely lost confidence in his offensive game. In the first quarter, he drove to the hoop, had an uncontested layup, and then passed back out for a semi-contested three-ball. It was bad. Like, "it hurts when I pee" bad.

When Rondo's on the floor, he's "defended" by Kobe Bryant, who gets to roam around, double-team at will, and gamble for steals (and Mamba had 5 of them last night). And that disrupts everything Boston is trying to do on offense. End the charade, Doc. Bench Rondo. It has to happen. Maybe he'll spend the summer developing a laser-accurate jump shot. Which will be great...for next season. Right now, Rondo like a human bitchslap to his own team.

The Lakers in the second quarter: They had everything in their favor -- momentum, a huge lead, Jack Nicholson's man-boobs -- but it didn't matter. Let it be known that these Lakers are good enough to build a huge lead and then lose it lickety-split. Boston outscored L.A. 30-16 in the second stanza, with Paul Pierce (18 points on a jillion freethrows) playing the part of the One Man Gang. Pierce is good -- maybe better than any of us thought -- but the Lakers made him look positively legendary by playing matador defense, 7-11 defense, and every other kind of bad defense they could think of. And then they had a game on their hands.

Rajon Rondo: Shades of Sherman Douglas. (Yes, I said it.) Rondo played 14 and a half minutes last night, which is about 14 more minutes than he should have gotten. He bricked six of his seven field goal attempts, had two shots blocked, missed a freethrow, passed up an uncontested layup, and prevented his teammates from getting open looks because the Lakers can completely ignore his "offense." But the most crap-tastic sequence of Rondo's night happened in a 30-second span of the third quarter. First, he missed an open four-footer. Then he fouled Fisher on a jump shot, giving up an "unconventional three-point play" (as Mark Jackson put it). After that, he jumped in the air and threw the ball right to the Lakers, who ran it down court and turned it into a three-pointer by Vlaidimir Radmanovic. Disastrous is putting it lightly.

Kevin Garnett: KG had a double-double (13 points, 14 rebounds). He also grabbed 7 huge offensive boards. But he hurt the Celtic cause by getting into foul trouble in the first half. Sure, one of the fouls was of the ticky-tac variety, and there was no contact whatsoever on another. But he earned his third by foolishly slapping at a Pau Gasol shot. As much as I hate to agree with Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy at this point, KG shouldn't have tried to make that play under those circumstances.

Garnett also bonked two crucial freethrows when Boston was trailing 95-93 with 2:31 on the clock, and then he missed a kinda-sorta easy tip-in with 26 seconds left and the Celtics down four. Hey, if I can say Kobe didn't come through in Game 4 -- and he didn't -- then I have to call out KG for not coming through in Game 5. But I'll say this for Garnett; he didn't give any excuses or blame teammates. His personal assessment of his performance was spot-on: "It was trash. I played like garbage tonight. I can do better and I will." Let's hope the second half of that quote turns out to be as true as the first half.

Kobe Bryant, quarters two through four: After his fire-and-lightning first quarter -- 15 points, 5-for-8 shooting -- I figured Mamba was on his way to a 40-point night. But from that point forward, Kobe scored 10 points on 3-for-13 shooting and committed a game-high 6 turnovers. Still, with 41 seconds left and his team up by only two points, Kobe made the play of the game, knocking the ball away from Paul Pierce and then receiving a length-of-the-court pass from Lamar Odom for a gamebreaking dunk.

That said, it was was a dangerous, gambling play. And let's face it: There was a lot of arm and body on that "steal." Had he been anybody but Kobe Bryant, there probably would have been a whistle. And had he not "tipped the ball," Pierce would have been in great position to score or dish to an open teammate. So yeah, it worked and everything...but it was a bad play.

Pau Gasol: The Spanish Marshmallow had a fantastic game: 19 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists, zero turnovers and a couple blocked shots. (And I'm telling you, it felt like he had three times that many rebounds.) But I have to say this: I am sick and bloody tired of Pau screaming and flailing after every shot he takes inside. At one point in the third or fourth quarter, KG slapped Pau's hand on a layup attempt, after which Pau wailed and flopped to the floor. Manu Ginobili would have been proud, but I just threw up a little.

The shooting of Derek Fisher and Sasha Vujacic: The two guards combined to miss 15 of 20 shots, which isn't exactly the kind of marksmanship that's going to spread the Boston defense and give Kobe room to work.

The incompetence of Luke Walton: As Basketbawful reader Jimmy pointed out, he had more fouls (5) than points (2) passed up on an easy alley-oop to Kobe in order to take a stop-and-popper. A couple of those fouls were committed at halfcourt. I can see that happening once, but twice?!

Ronny Turiaf and Trevor Ariza: They combined for 1 turnover and 2 fouls in just over two minutes of lack-tion.

Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson: Did the Lakers play great? No. Did they almost blow another game in which they jumped out to a ginormous lead? Yes. But this is the Finals, and whether you win by 1 or 100, it's still a W. But that didn't keep coach and mini-coach from freaking out on the Lakers after they had all but wrapped the game up. Said Van Gundy: "If you're the Lakers and want to win it all, you're disappointed in this game. Added Jackson: "You've got to close out games better. You're fortunate to go back to Boston." I guess they ran out of ways to fluff each other up.

Phil Jackson, quote machine: He's always good for a zinger or two. This time, it was aimed at his own team. Although, with him, I guess you never know whether it's supposed to zing or not. Anyway, regarding his team's chances of going on to win two straight in Boston, Phil said: "We're young enough and dumb enough to be able to do this." Young and dumb? Yes. Enough so to be able to break through twice in Boston? TBD.

The 2-3-2 format: As I pointed out last week, this format was instituted for the express purpose of increasing the chances that the Finals would last at least six games. Which is what happened. Because let's be honest: The Lakers would not have won this game in Boston. Somewhere out there, David Stern is being forced to deal with a 10-hour erection.

Larry Bird: As Evil Ted pointed out, it was mentioned on air last night that Larry Legend called Luke Walton to wish him luck in the Finals. Uh, Larry, I hate to point this out to you...but Luke Walton is a Laker. Larry wishing a Laker good luck is like Captain America giving Hitler advice on how to cook people. How far has Larry fallen when he's wishing Lakers players good luck? Don't bother answering that, I'll go ahead and tell you: Very, very far.

Doug Christie: The best thing to come out of the latest chapter of the Tim Donaghy scandal has to be Doug Christie crying about it on his blog (" am devastated to the point of feeling physically sick!"). Here's (to me) the money paragraph: "It's hard enough that you are facing the defending champs, hall of fame players and coaches, but you are also playing 5 on 8 (come on!). This is really disheartening. You work hard, play hard and it's all bull. But, it's what you see and the consumer believes it. Whoever 'they' say are the 'champs' are the 'champs' (deserving or not). 'They' are controlling the whole thing. What really makes me mad in the turn of events since then is the fact that these events have turned into what I consider a black balling of myself in the NBA!!" Huh. And here I thought his wife was the one who was black-balling him. Or maybe she's just blue-balling him...

And here's some bonus Christie, regarding why he's, you know, not playing. "Last season ('07/'08), I go in the gym with the Sonics and Trail Blazers (not to mention the GMs that I spoke to personally) and outplayed 90% of their guys. The only thing my agent told me they were interested in was my relationship with my wife, what happened before, or why did I leave the Clippers??? Truth be told, my family and I were dealing with the same old lies and workers starting trouble with us. I'm not willing to deal with that! I just want to go and play the game that I love. So, that makes me weird, huh?!? Maybe if I was fighting with my wife and flirting with people, I would still be playing or at least going out on my own terms!" I have no comment.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, officiating, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo

This passionate eyegasm between The Machine and Derek Fisher was sent in by Rhology. Sure, Sasha's staredown might only have been a sign of intense and Platonic camaraderie...but the last time a dude looked at me like that was shortly after we'd finished a case of beer and immediately preceding his "a man knows what a man likes" pitch. So once again I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.


As for this next picture -- provided by Basketbawful reader Remington -- I'm not sure it qualifies as "man love" so much as "man bdsm." I mean, that's one seriously painful-looking nipple-twister Pau's putting on KG. Which gives me some not-so-happy memories of sixth grade gym class. Okay, I'm going to go back to repressing now.

Labels: Derek Fisher, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, man love, Pau Gasol, Sasha Vujacic

Today's slobbery presentation of man love was provided by Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes. In it, we see Kendrick Perkins playing the defense that dare not speak its name against Pau Gasol. I'd say that the look on Gasol's face is a combination of disgust, outrage, and pure retard stupidity...but he pretty much always looks like that, doesn't he? (Note: I suppose it's also possible that, as Five Pound Bag observed, Perkins might be a zombie om-nom-nom-nomming on Gasol's Spanish brains.)


Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, Gasol doesn't like being kissed like a common whore, so I guess what Perkins did was kind of rude. But maybe that'll teach Gasol not to go flashing his goods all over the place.

Update! Kudos to Me. Friend of Bamboo. for digging up a post from the Basketbawful archives that proves Gasol has a history of showing off his man stuff.

Another update! This addition is from AnacondaHL: "1: Cut a hole in the ball. 2: Put your junk in that ball. 3: Have Perkins open the ball." And if you don't get that reference, there's nothing I can do to help you. (Okay, there actually is. No need to thank me.)

Labels: fan submissions, Kendrick Perkins, man love, Pau Gasol

I was perusing the Yahoo images from last night's game, and I saw this great ass-out image of Pau Gasol playing face-up defense on Kevin Garnett.


I knew I'd seen this awkward squat somehwhere before, and after a little poking around -- I swear by all that's holy that wasn't a pun -- I found it. (Sidenote: Is Timmy giving Pau an off the heezy?)


Sure, it's the proper defensive stance and everything, but, well, there's no blunt way to put this: It looks like Pau's taking a very uncomfortable (and probably unsatisfying) dump. Which, of course, reminded me of the classic defecating Pau Gasol "action" figurine... which is still available for only 14.00 Euros!


Whew. And I was worried I wouldn't be able to work in any poop jokes today.

Labels: action figures, defense, NBA Finals, Pau Gasol

Manu Ginobili: In today's NBA Closer column, I called Manu "Shoeless Joe Ginobili" because it sure seemed like he was trying to throw the game: 10 points, 3-for-13 shooting and 4 turnovers. And at least three of those turnovers came during critical stages of the fourth quarter. Manu kept running into traps or jumping into the air with nowhere to go and then just throwing the ball up for grabs. During the postgame press conference, Ginobili said: "There's no excuse for how I played today." He's not wrong.

Tim Duncan: If you checked Timmy's line in the box score -- 30 points, 18 rebounds, 2 steals, 4 blocked shots -- and/or stopped watching the game with four or five minutes to go, you'd think he had a spectacular game. But Duncan was just as guilty of choking down the stretch as Manu was. Maybe it was fatigue, but the Lord of the Rings sure looked scared in those final, fateful minutes: Scared to attack Pau Gasol's defense, scared to take open jumpers, scared his team was going to give up their lead and lose the game.

Seriously, at one point Timmy passed up an open 15-footer to force the ball into Tony Parker underneath the hoop, only the Lakers came away with it and, naturally, scored off of it. This is the same guy who broke the Suns' will with a game-tying three-pointer in the first round? Really?

The San Antonio bench: Thanks for next-to-nothing, guys. Ime Udoka was the "best" Spur reserve, and he finished with 7 points (3-for-7), 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 turnover and 4 fouls in 25 minutes. Michael Finley played 21 minutes and had zero points (0-for-5), 2 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Brent Barry (2 points, 1-for-3), Robert Horry (zero points, 1 block, 1 foul), Kurt Thomas (2 points and nothing else) were next to useless. And Jacque Vaughn -- who notched a five trillion -- was completely useless. But I guess that's what happens when most of the guys on your bench qualify for the senior citizen discount at McDonald's. (Thanks to Charles and Paul from France for alerting me to Jacque's five trillion.)

Update! The Spurs and Basketbawful: Did I mention San Antonio's ginormous collapse? I didn't?! Gak. Well, good thing Silly Bitch was around to do it. "I would hate for someone to come across this site not having watched the game and assume that this was just an average loss by the Spurs. You completely forgot to mention how they blew the 20 point lead they had halfway through the 3rd quarter. I know the Lakers are good but 20 points?? That's like letting a fat kid steal your cake when all you had to do was run!"

Derek Fisher: He shot 1-for-9 and finished with more fouls (5) than points (4). At times, he made even the Spurs look young and healthy. Which I guess is a pretty big accomplishment, but still.


Lamar Odom: Did he leave one of his bags behind in Utah? Because if so, his shot must be in it: 8 points on 3-for-12 shooting for Lamar.

Fun fact: Lamar was named after the gay nerd from Revenge of the Nerds. (Okay, I can't back that up. But he totally was.)

Pau Gasol: His transformation into one of the Geico cavemen is almost complete.

Luke Walton: Everybody who's suddenly all up in Mitch Kupchak's jock should remember two things: First, David Stern made the Grizzlies give up Pau Gasol so there would be a Lakers-Celtics Finals. I will always believe that. And second, he signed The Son of Walton to a six-year, $30 million contract extension last summer. I'm just sayin'. (Luke played 10 minutes last night, missing both of his shots and scoring zero points. He did have three rebounds, but man...those are expensive rebounds.)

Update! Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Jimmy shared a nice out of context quote from the Mamba. "I can get off at any time. In the second half, I did that." That's...quite the handy ability there, Mr. Bean. I don't suppose you could, you know, teach me that?

Charles Barkley: On Inside the NBA, Charles said that Reggie Miller was the best shooter he ever played with (the two played together on the 1996 U.S. Olympic Basketball Team). Mind you, Barkley also played with Larry Bird and Chris Mullin on the original Dream Team. So, you know, I guess this is just Chuck's week for vast and drastic overstatements.

Reggie Miller: So much for humility. Rather than correcting Chuck's outrageous ignorance, he responded with: "I always said that only Drazen Petrovic had a better shot than me." Wow.

Look, I'm as big a Reggie Miller fan as anybody, but, yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree all the way around. But, you know, Reggie has been going a little crazy these days.

Update! Reggie Miller, Part II: An anonymous commenter left the following golden nugget of awesome. "How about the latest Reggie-ism? Last night he said something like 'It's amazing how well the Spurs played in lieu of their flight delay...' That's twice I've heard that -- someone needs to tip him off."

Update! Yahoo: Rob from Upside And Motor noticed something amusing from our good buddies at the Y. "The Yahoo! Sports basketball NBA front page has the following headline: 'Bulls likely to draft Rose or Beasley." Groundbreaking stuff coming from the newsrooms of AP and Yahoo these days." I know what you mean. I was pretty shocked to read that the Bull were likely to use the number one pick on one of the two guys who are considered to be the consensus first and second picks in the draft. My world is freaking rocked. If they want to report some real news, they should mention how John Paxson is likely to screw this one up by once again passing up on a scoring big man for a speedy, shoot-happy guard. Because I personally would love to see a starting lineup of Kirk Hincrich, Chris Duhon, Ben Gordan, Larry Hughes and Derrick Rose.

Labels: bench play, Charles Barkley, Derek Fisher, Los Angeles Lakers, Manu Ginobili, NBA playoffs, Pau Gasol, Reggie Miller, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

Toronto Raptors: This is from Basketbawful reader Colin. "Pretty sure you are going to put them there, but after what I saw tonight I just wanted to make sure. The Toronto Raptors. (I'm a Raptors fan, hurts to say this.) Not only were they the FIRST team to be eliminated from the playoffs this season, but the ATLANTA HAWKS have done better than them in their series against a BETTER TEAM than the Raptors lost to. Thats not right."

Well, it's hard to fault the Raptors too much, because they clearly lost to a suprior team. However, I can't help but wonder why the Magic were superior. On paper, Toronto should have been a pretty equal match for Orlando, both in terms of regular season wins and in a playoff showdown. The glaring problems I can see are bad coaching, the point guard two-stepping, the highly inconsistent play of Mr. Former Number One Draft Pick, the lack of production from free agent acquisition Jason Kapono...you know what? Never mind. It's suddenly very obvious that the dinos have problems 'o plenty. It'll be interesting to see what Bryan Colangelo does this offseason.

Special note!! For those of you who misunderstood the previous paragraph, I was talking about the Raptors season as a whole. Not just the five-game playoff sample. So yes, Bargs sucked the entire series, but was inconsistent for most of the season. Kapono mysteriously showed up for the playoffs after not producing for most of the season. Is that clear enough?

Andrea Bargnani: After watching Bargs commit his second foul in the first half minute of the game, my very first thought was, "Oh boy, I'm going to be hearing about this from Shrugz." Sure enough, a few minutes later I had the following e-mail waiting in my inbox: "Bargnani 2 fouls in the first 20 seconds. HAHAHAHHAHA! Too funny." Bargnani ended up playing only 15 minutes and finished with 4 points, 1 rebound, 2 assists, 3 fouls and one badly missed three-pointer that missed the rim entirely. Amazingly, his replacement was even worse...

Rasho Nesterovic: Note that Rasho had been on fire for a month and a half until Toronto's soon-to-be ex-coach Sam Mitchell benched him for Bargnani. And that pretty much killed Rasho's mojo. He was used in relief last night and responded with zero points, 2 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls in just under 9 minutes of lack-tion.

T.J. Ford: Will T.J. still be the starter next season? Will he even be on the team? If the Raptors want to improve, the answer to those questions really should be "no" and "no." Ford shot poorly (6-for-14) and 4 of the team's 6 turnovers. He looks for his own shot too often, and he tends to force the action -- his action -- when the Toronto offense stalls. In retrospect, Jose Calderon's self-benching might have been the worst thing to happen to this team going into the playoffs.

Marcin Gortat: The Warlock didn't quite play four minutes (3:55), nor did he achieve a three trillion because he grabbed a single rebound. He even failed at failing. (Okay. I'll admit. I only included Marcin because I like typing his last name.)

The Atlanta Hawks Bandwagon: This is from Basketbawful reader Craig. "Mike Bibby the Hypocrite. Sure he can talk a big game about the supposed fair-weather Boston fans, but I would ask him this question: Atlanta was notorious for having very low attendance during the regular season the past couple of years. Now all of a sudden because they made the playoffs, the place is sold out and the fans are actually giving them a homecourt advantage. Where were all those closet fans during the rebuilding years and even this season? Next time you want to talk about another team's fans how about you look at your own first." The only correction I'd made to Craig's rant is changing "the past couple of years" to "the past couple of decades." Seriously. Half of the arena was empty even during the latter half of the Dominique Wilkins era.

The Boston Bench: This is from Basketbawful reader friesenth: "I've totaled the Celtics bench stats from nba.com, minus James Posey who actually contributed in a positive way. Cassell, Big Baby, House and Powe combined for an incredible 3 points, 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 fouls, and 1 turnovers in nearly 40 minutes of total playing time. That's the spark you want off the bench. Maybe all those concerns about their depth are finally starting to come true." [Checks the box score] Ummm, uhhhh, ummm...

The Atlanta Bench: They provided a total of 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting, although they did contribute 12 rebounds and 2 assists. Although 9 of those rebounds and both of those assists were from Josh Childress. So were the 4 points. Take Josh out of the equation and the Hawk reserve corps had zero points, 3 rebounds, a blocked shot, and four fouls.

Shaky officiating: Look, I generally hate it when fans cry "foul" after their team loses. But the Celtics got hosed by the officials last night. Boston started out on fire, taking a 16-3 lead, and looked firmly in control of the game. Things started to fall apart when Josh Smith pulled off two amazing blocked shots on Rajon Rondo. So amazing, in fact, that they weren't technically legal. Smith fell on top of Rondo after the first block, and on the second block Smith got all ball and all body...and last time I checked, the body still isn't part of the ball.

Look, I get it. David Stern was on hand for the game, and the Commish likes to see competitive series. In fact, he was interviewed during the game and you could tell -- despite his rictus-like grin -- that he's disappointed the Suns-Spurs and Nuggets-Lakers series are ending early (unless Phoenix pulls off a miracle tonight). And there's no question that, from the referees perspectives, it's better to "let them play," especially when a home team does something spectacular that gets the crowd on its feet.

But those two blocks not only killed the Celtics' momentum, it set a physical tone that clearly favored the Hawks, who got a little more benefit of the doubt from the refs (which resulted in a 33-18 freethrow advantage, although the final four FTs came from desperation fouls by the C's). I'm not saying Atlanta didn't play with heart and fire, and I'm not saying Boston didn't have a fair share of missed shots. But I can't quite shake the feeling that the zebras cast a shadow over this game.

Paul Pierce: He totally boned a layup in the final minute that would have pulled the Celtics to within two and given them a much better shot at stealing the game. Truth got free and just lost the ball on the way up...and his expression as it happened was totally comical, in that tragic "I just lost my team the game" kind of way.

Kevin Garnett: KG, angry and frustrated, hit Zaza Pachulia with an elbow and then tried to play it off as if he was merely trying to explain to a nearby official that he had been elbowed. C'mon, Kevin. We're not stupid. But that move was.

Zaza Pachulia: It's good that he didn't back down, but going face to face with Garnett? And even going so far as to butt heads with KG? That was almost as stupid as Garnett's elbow. Unless Zaza was trying to pull a Robert Horry. (And, in fact, it looked like Kendrick Perkins stepped on the court and might be suspended for Game 5.) It's telling that Garnett, while he didn't back down at all, also didn't escalate things. Maturity...or the fact that he knew he was in the wrong?

David Stern: His reaction to the Garnett-Pachulia showdown was priceless. I haven't seen an old guy in that much distress since watching my buddy's grandpa try to get out of a beanbag chair.

Mario West: He had 19 seconds in Game 4. [Cue the sad music.]

Denver Nuggets: When an eighth seed that barely made the playoffs waits until a first-round elimination game to finally give their all, good things usually don't happen for them (the Suns' Game 4 win notwithstanding). In retrospect, maybe things would have been different if 'Melo had called out his team a little earlier.

Carmelo's critics: It sure seemed like everybody and their brother wanted to label 'Melo's "We quit" rant as a lack of maturity on his part, while Kobe's decimation of his teammates and Lakers management over he summer was just "shaken' trees." Oh, and of course Larry Bird's denunciation of his teammates as "sissies" and "a bunch of women" during the 1984 NBA Finals is the stuff of legend. It's yet another case of the winning double-standard. If you are winning or have won in the past, you get a free pass to blast teammates or roast your team. But if you don't win...if you can't even get out of the first round...well, then, you're an immature malcontent who needs to shut his mouth.

But Anthony was right to do what he did, and his team responded with their best gamae of the series, even if they still lost anyway. It's too bad for them that 'Melo didn't speak up, say, 25 or 30 games ago. Maybe Denver would have solved some of their problems a little sooner.

George Karl, quote machine: "My wish would be that we had four games like tonight and we all could have been happier. I’ve said all along, when they play the right way, they're fun guys to coach." And if wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean. But as long as you're having fun, coach, we're all happy for you. (But not really.)

Pau Gasol: Dude, I know you're all happy-as-kittens about finally getting out of the first round of the playoffs, but speaking for NBA fans everywhere, we don't want to see your doughy belly. Not even that man-woman in the bottom right of the picture.

Reggie Miller: Ah, Reggie. His awesomeness knows no human boundaries. Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm sent in this very enjoyable exchange between Reggie and Marv Albert from last night's Lakers-Nuggets game.

Reggie: "A lot of questions have been about the Denver Nuggets. This, so far, has been their best half of basketball."

Marv: "Although they have given up 62 points in this first half. And they were down by as man as 13. And are down 10..."

Matt (in absentia): "Definitely, Reg. Best half. Just try not to, you know, speak, Reg."

NBA.com historians: Basketbawful reader Dan from South Australia doesn't appreciate the fact that The League's official Web site is ignorent of its own history. "From this article: 'Toronto made the playoffs in 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2007. They were eliminated in the first round in three of their four postseason appearances. The only time they won a first-round series was in 2001, when they beat the New Jersey Nets in six games, and lost to the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals in five games.' History is fun, making up history is funner. The only first-round series win was in 2001, but they beat New York 3-2 and then lost to Philly 4-3 (the notorious Carter-needs-to-graduate-before-game-7 series...maybe NBA.com is trying to erase the VC years from memory too)."

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, referees, Toronto Raptors

Okay. I have to admit, when I read that Shaq called Steve Nash on the phone and said, "I will not let you down," it gave me chills. Now that I've had a day to calm down, my glass is half full of Shaq. I still don't think it was the best move Steve Kerr could have made this season -- why didn't he go after KG last summer?! -- but Shaq, old and lame though he may seem, still brings a few things to the table. Hey, the Lakers won two championships in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's final three seasons, and they might have gone for three in a row if Magic Johnson and Byron Scott hadn't gotten injured during the 1989 NBA Finals. And most of the criticisms aimed at Shaq -- namely that he can't keep up with the Suns' fast break, that he's lost his explodability around the basket, and that he's a slow-footed, ham-handed liability on defense -- were all levied against Kareem 20 years ago.

I'm not saying it's going to work, only that, under the right set of now-or-never circumstances, it can work. And whether you want the Suns to succeed or fail, the trade sure makes them a hell of a lot more interesting to watch...which is really saying something considering that they were already the most exciting offensive team in the league.

I do have one little mea culpa from yesterday's post. I referred to Shaq as "fat" not once, but twice. Upon further review of his most recent pictures, I came to the following realization: Shaq isn't fat. In fact, he's probably as svelte as he's been since his early days with the Lakers. So why did I bust on The Big Daddy's not-so-big-anymore waisteline? Well, first and foremost, it's an easy joke. It's like putting a midget or a monkey in a comedy movie; you know, something that's used for a quick, cheap laugh. But there's more to it than that. Like many sports fans, I sometimes struggle with the concept of a player's athletic mortality. When Michael Jordan unretired (again) to play for the Wizards, there were people -- though they were few -- who believed, or perhaps wanted to believe, that Mike could still throw one down from the freethrow line if he really wanted to. It's that same type of person that, even if they won't admit it out loud, still kind of believes that, at any time, Shaq might burst out of his shell and drop one of those signature 35-point, 20-rebound games on some hapless opponent (probably Erick Dampier).

But the reality is, barring an exposure to Cosmic Rays or an injection of Captain America's Super Soldier Serum, Shaq won't ever have another 30/20 game. As a fan, it's hard to let go of that memory of greatness. So, you know, we make excuses. Shaq is fat. He's not in shape. He's faking an injury. He's not motivated. We want to believe that it is these self-imposed obstacles, and not the ravages of time, that have robbed us of the Mighty Shaq of old.

But it's not. We all decline with age. But that doesn't mean we become useless. Just ask Kareem. And the Suns proved last night against the Hornets that, even without Marion, they can score with anybody. And if Shaq can stay healthy and add the one or two things the Suns need...anything can happen.

Now, on to the Worst of the Night.

Kobe Bryant: The Black Mamba shot 4-for-16 and committed a critical turnover with 8 seconds left that helped secure the Lakers' 98-95 defeat by the Hawks.

Pau Gasol: He struggled on offense (5-for-14) and couldn't keep Al Horford (15 points, 20 rebounds) out of the paint.

Mario West: The good news: He actually got a full minute of playing time! The bad news: He scored a one trillion. Wah-waaaaaaah.

Carlos Arroyo: Uh, is he injured or something? Did he bang Stan Van Gundy's daughter? Because the Magic's starting point guard played only 5 minutes against the Nets, scoring zero points (0-for-2) and committing a turnover.

Marcus Williams: With Jason Collins gone, perhaps Williams can fill the "Most Statistically Worthless Net" role. Last night's one trillion was a good start.

Washington Wizards: There's no shame in losing to the defending champs, but it was Washington's fifth loss in as many games. The Wiz dropped to .500 (24-24) and their offense is calcifying (35 percent shooting last night). They need Caron Butler, and they really need Gilbert Arenas.

Isiah Thomas: His Knicks are 14-35 -- the fourth-worst record in the league -- and they've lost seven games in a row. But according to the Baby-faced Assassin, the Knicks are improving. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." And that, my friends, is what we like to call denial.

Travis Diener: The Pacers' starting point guard scored 2 points on 1-for-7 shooting. Plus -- and I know this shows a shocking lack of maturity on my part -- his last name always makes me think "Wiener."

Jason Williams: I guess it just wasn't a good night for starting point guards. Williams scored zero points (0-for-4) and had only 2 assists in 27 minutes. On the up side, he had more blocked shots (1) than both Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph.

Sam Cassell: Memo to Sam-I-Am: If you want to be a Celtic, beating up their starting point guard is not the way to go about it. Rajon Rondo (24 points, 10-for-13 shooting) was embarrassing his counterpart so badly that Cassell bloodied his nose and fouled him flagrantly enough to get tossed out of the game.

DeSegana Diop: He had zero points and 1 rebound in 5 minutes, which is the exact same output Juwan Howard had in only 3 minutes. Mr. Intangible has become Mr. Invisible.

Jarron Collins: Zero-for-everything in exactly 16 seconds of playing time. The Collins family must be so proud.

J.R. Smith: The game of one-upsmanship between Jerry Sloan and George Karl continues. After watching Sloan embarrass his player with 16 seconds of PT, Karl yanked Smith after only 3 seconds. Top that, Jerry!

Steve Nash: The Nashty One showed off his point guardy brilliance with 32 points and 12 assists. You know there's a "but" coming, right? Well, his spotty-at-best defense uncorked Chris Paul (42 points, 9 assists, 8 steals) and his 10 turnovers gave him his second career triple bumble.

Brian Skinner: I've been campaigning so hard for Mike D'Antoni to give this guy more minutes that a couple people have emailed me asking if I'm his agent. Well, I'm not. And after Skinner's zero-point (0-for-2), 1-rebound performance (in 14 minutes) against the Hornets, I'm done questioning D'Antoni's rotation. (For now.)

Aaron Gray: After the Bulls big man scored 14 points in 18 minutes against the Sonics, all the local papers annointed him "The Answer" for Chicago's low-post scoring woes. One Chicago sports writer who shall remain nameless even went so far to predict that Gray would eat Joel Przybilla alive when the Bulls faced the Blazers. Well, Gray's zero points and zero rebounds in 3 minutes of action only answer the question "Who was the Bulls' worst player last night?"

Sacramento Kings: Ever since their top three players returned from injury, the Kings have gotten a lot of buzz as a potential first round playoff darkhorse. Me? I don't see it. And after they got hammered by 13 at home to the league's third-worst team, you shouldn't see it either.

Calling all geeks: The Pricess Bride Edition of the NBA Closer is up at Deadspin.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Sacramento Kings, Sam Cassell, Shaq, Steve Nash, Washington Wizards

Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley has basically blamed the Pau Gasol giveaway on the Chicago Bulls. The beef is that cheapskate GM John Paxson refused to make a highball offer on Pau to help inflate his value. The Nets had a similar problem when they dealt Jason Collins.

Timberwolves insiders are concerned that Kevin Garnett may no-show his coming appearance on Friday. In the meantime, Kevin incarnate Al Jefferson drops 29 and 15 over the last 5 games but still gets the Fake Shemp treatment.

Ron Artest made an underhanded trade request by insisting that the Kings are better without him. This is in no way related to Brad Miller being mortally wounded by a sink full of dirty dishes.

The fine folks at RedsArmy.com believe that Ben Wallace would have been a better fit for the Lakers than Pau Gasol. While watching LA spend $15 million a year for a backup to Ronny Turiaf would have pleased me to no end, the cost of that is seeing Kwame Brown in a Bulls jersey. Ugh.

Jamario Moon's YouTube video has officially gotten people stoked for the Slam Dunk Contest. We'll ignore the fact that his practice rim seems suspiciously low. Remember the Jordan Jammer?

Labels: Ben Wallace, Brad Miller, Chicago Bulls, dunks, Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pau Gasol, Ron Artest

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach the moment you you realize something disastrous just happened? Well, I had that feeling most of Friday afternoon when the Grizzlies gave traded Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown. From the Grizzlies perspective, this trade only makes sense if GM Chris Wallace was worried that the disgruntled Pau could become a PR nightmare at any moment, complete with retirement threats, police records and fan beatings. Or maybe he accidentally clicked "accept" in Yahoo Fantasy NBA Trade Manager. Needless to say, the Lakers made off like bandits, but what did Memphis gain from this?

Kwame Brown is in a contract year, and apparently no one has told him this, since he's as bad as ever. The good news is that in three months they no longer have to pay him. Rookie PG Javaris Crittendon has barely played this year, so the jury is still out. He is shooting 49% in limited minutes, but 22 turnovers in 173 minutes is enough to earn a one-way ticket to the Dakota Wizards. Even if he does pan out, he won't be supplanting Mike Conley anytime soon.

In a half-hearted attempt to fool the fine citizens of Tennessee, Memphis also received Pau's brother Marc Gasol, who is still playing in Europe and sounds like the second coming of Bryant Reeves. If he's had any conversations with big brother Pau, there's no guarantee he will even come to play for Memphis. Chris Wallace thinks this is almost as good as a lottery pick. You know, kinda like how Harvey Grant was almost as good as Horace Grant.

The X-factor in this trade are the Lakers first-round picks in 2008 and 2010. Barring an implosion of Miami Heat proportions, both of these picks will be in the low 20's, giving the Grizz a chance to pick up some amazingly average role players. For every Kevin Martin (26th overall, 24 ppg), there are thousands of David Harrisons, Mardy Collins, and Viktor Krhyapas.

So, in summary, Pau Gasol went to Los Angeles for an expiring contract, a backup point guard, a slow-footed low-jumping center who may never set foot in the NBA, and two bench players to be named later. Not the best trade I've ever seen.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Memphis Grizzlies, Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol and tennis star Rafael Nadal would do anything for a TIME FORCE concept wristwatch. And I do mean anything. Would they whack each other in the face with their (tennis and basket) balls? Yes. Would they compete (and lose) in a tricycle race with a chihuahua? Double yes. Would they allow themselves to be terrorized by a rampaging sumo warrior? Oh, hell yes.

These commercials may be in Spanish or whatever, but they're still hilariously worth watching. If you absolutely need words to enjoy them, just imagine the dialogue from any episode of Three's Company. Anyway, Gasol's facial expressions are truly classic. He's like the Spanish Jim Carrey.

Note: Gasol is the 25th highest paid player in the NBA this season ($13,709,375) and Nadal is currently the number two tennis player in the world, but they apparently have summer jobs as bartenders at some Spanish beach. Who knew?

Labels: celebrity endorsements, commercials, Pau Gasol, Rafael Nadal, wristwatches