Note: This post is the word of semi-regular contributor AnacondaHL. What follows is the unedited e-mail he sent me late last night.

Bawful, go ahead and cancel whatever you were going to post tomorrow, because do I have a story for you. To be honest, I didn't think there would be enough content for a post when this all started, but with the way things happened, well, you'll have to see for youself. I've got a buddy who moved to Las Vegas to work in a club, and I recieved a text message from him tonight. Said buddy is incredibly sports-unknowledgeable, but he can tell in an instant if you (male or female) are wearing anything from Express. I'm going to post the whole conversation un-edited, minus some comments in parenthesis by me, but you can feel free to edit it however necessary to protect the innocent *snicker*.

(21:40) Las Vegas: There a whole bunch of nba players coming into the club right now. I have no idea who they are u would appreciate this so much more

(21:44) AnacondaHL: The NBA draft is tomorrow holy crap that's hilarious. You are in for a busy next 30 hours

(21:50) LV: Its a private party for the players association. I'm talking to lots of tall people. And managers/owners/important folk. I wish u could switch brains with me cause I don't care about any of these people

(21:58) LV: Who is dr harry edwards?

(22:01) AHL: Never heard. Google says he works for the Golden State Warriors.

(22:16) LV: He asked me to send him a very tall 140 pound woman lol

(22:17) AHL: O. M. G. You need to document all of this so I can post it on BasketBawful.

(22:50) LV: Rashaw mckay?

(22:54) AHL: Uh, Rashad McCants maybe? He's an NBA player oh God please let it be Rashad McCants

(22:57) LV: It's a player. That's probably it that's just what my ears heard

(22:58) LV: Lots of people were recognizing him anyways

(23:02) AHL: Oh God please make sure. I'm emailing you a link to his website, including his poetry/rap.
(insert link here to us discussing it prior on this blog)

(23:05) LV: No data plan I can't use that. Somebody said to him "u were great in north carolina"

(23:08) AHL: OMG. STAY AROUND HIM SOMETHING HILARIOUS IS BOUND TO HAPPEN. REPORT BACK TO ME ANYTHING. GET HIM TO FREESTYLE.

(23:08) LV: There's another guy here too people were talking about. All star won a dunking comp dwight something. Or something dwight

(23:10) AHL: ...No. You are lying. It can't be Dwight Howard. It can't. You liar.

(23:11) LV: I'm not allowed inside I'm working lol. if I try to go in and openly socialize I'll be assassinated by my managers.

(23:12) LV: That's it. How could I be lying I don't even kniw his name. His manager or agent or something was telling he's a huge clown though
(At this point I punched myself in the face)

(23:19) AHL: Yea that's him. I'd send you an MMS, but I'd feel stupid since he's such a recognizable face and name. Ask the agent how much of a jerk Stan Van Gundy really is

(23:23) LV: He's inside now. Nobodies hanging around front with me anymore lol

(23:25) AHL: I want hourly updates on all the NBA groupies going in and out, who their with, 10 scale hotness rating, and percent chance they are prostitutes.

(23:27) LV: Very few women have gone in actually. I'm very surprised. Its all hotshots with admission badges. Although agent manager guy was telling me about the girls they have up in the suites

(23:29) AHL: YES THIS. More tall 140 pounders!

(23:36) LV: Lol I know one of the girls is an employee at tao. Scandalous, but expected

(23:47) LV: Some tall thick black woman just strolled in w/out creds. Nicely dressed and mannered tho
(me, scrambling to load up my computer)

(23:56) LV: Derek fisher? Richard lerner?

(00:00) AHL: Derek Fisher is on the Lakers, who just won the championship, beating the Magic, who's star is Dwight Howard. This is such a confusing list you're giving me

(00:02) LV: Apparently its a commitee. There are player reps here from all the teams

(00:04) AHL: Damn. I knew dreaming for a club confrontation between Vujacic and a thick woman was too good to be true. Ask who's here for the Suns!

(00:11) LV: Lol lemme see
(at this point, I've found this on Google)
(disappointed at finding a lack of thick women in the brochure)

(00:16) LV: My manager doesn't know

(00:25) AHL: Well at this point this event is probably old news on Twitter. F'in scrubs. Let me know if anything/anyone else happens. Plz don't get shot.

(00:30) LV: Lol

(00:31) (Shaq just got traded to the Cavs. Haha now you're stuck in Ohio!)

(00:31:03) (For Sasha Pavlovic and Ben Wallace. Fuck.)

(00:35) (And the Amare trade rumors begin again. Yay economy!)

[Author's note: you may link to the "Haha now you're stuck in Ohio" picture, and the Ben Wallace inflatable defender here in their respective places. I would, but I'm getting calls from funeral services throughout Phoenix, wanting a cost estimate on my crying myself to sleep.]

Labels: blockbuster trades, Cleveland Cavaliers, guest author, Phoenix Suns, Shaq

"...for Wallace and Pavlovic. Don't laugh, I think it could work."
I had plans for today. More Worsties. Maybe a post about fighting in pickup basketball. But I scrapped those plans when I heard about the Shaq-to-Cleveland trade. The deal might help Cleveland bust through their championship wall. Meanwhile, it means nothing short of utter and absolute destruction for the Phoenix Suns. In the short term, anyway.

Look, kiddies, the fact is this: Times have changed. The United States economy is sucking so hard that it could choke down Oliver Miller AND the World's Fattest Man in one huge gulp. Of course, the reality is NBA basketball never has been about winning. Well, it is sometimes, but only inasmuch as winning typically means making more money. That's just good business. But other times, and this is one of those times, good business means losing. Just ask the Minnesota Timberwolves and Milwaukee Bucks. And losing is what you can expect from the 2009-10 Phoenix Suns. And I mean a lot of it.

In return for the Big Brad Daughterneze, Phoenix is getting the decaying shell of Ben Wallace (which is the same as getting nothing), Sasha "The Invisible Man" Pavlovic (ditto), the 46th pick in Thursday's draft (double-ditto) and some cash (which is actually something). They'll also save money in salary and luxury tax (about $10 million, according to some reports). This was nothing more or less than a cost-cutting measure. They need to save greebacks, and they will...at the expense of winning basketball and the happiness of their fan base.

And to think, ESPN's Chris Broussard said: "The Phoenix Suns are not going to give O'Neal away merely to save money." Sucker.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't the Shaq of the early 2000s we're talking about. He wasn't great. However, he certainly was good last season: 17.8 PPG (on a league-best 60.9 percent shooting), 8.4 RPG, 1.4 BPG and a PER of 22.3 (which put him ahead of guys like Pau Gasol, Chris Bosh, Danny Granger, Devin Harris, Kevin Garnett, Deron Williams, Kevin Durant, Amare Stoudemire, Carmelo Anthony, etc.) He came close to setting a career-high in free throw percentage (59.5 percent). Cav-a-Shaq was an All-Star and even made the All-NBA Third Team for the first time since 2005-06. I guess all those things make him one of the best players in the game.

And yet he wasn't making the Suns any better. Meanwhile, he was chewing up $20 million worth of cap space. When you can't win with someone AND you can't afford him, well, it's probably time to bid him adieu. Normally, a team will try to get actual basketball talent in return. One trade I heard bandied about was Shaq to the Bulls for a package that could have included Luol Deng (finally a small forward to replace Shawn Marion and spell Grant Hill), Kirk Hinrich (finally a backup point guard to give Steve Nash a blow), and maybe some draft picks and cash. That move might have restocked some shelves and allowed the Suns to run free again. Or maybe not. But what does it matter now? The deed is done. Steve Kerr's failure is now complete. Or it will be once he gets rid of Steve Nash and trades Amare for Tracy McGrady.

On the other end of the trade spectrum we have a Cavs team starring LeBron and LeBrawn. Think about it for a second: Cleveland added Shaq -- a Shaq who proved last season he still has some Power Thirst left in the tank -- to a team that won 66 games and has the league's reigning MVP. AND THEY GAVE UP NOTHING. Wallace and Pavlovic were D-U-N, done. And if Shaq doesn't work out, so what? His contract comes off the books next summer...and the Cavaliers will be waaaaaaay under the cap. (Right now, they're committed to only about $36 million in 2010-11.)

Look, there are plenty of reasons to suspect that Shaq will be a bust in Cleveland. But it's a worthwhile gamble for the Cavs. It's not like when the Suns traded for Shaq and had to give up one of their key players. The only thing we have to figure out now is who's championship piggybacking off who? Because let's face it: King "Check My $tats" James wants the world to bow to his basketball supremacy...and so does Shaq. The Big Cavalanche can play kissy-face with Kobe all he wants, but unless I know "jack" and "sh*t" about human psychology, he'd love to earn championship numero cinco while cock-blocking Mamba's quest for a fifth.

It'll be interesting to see how this trade works out for Cleveland, and what moves the Eastern Conference Elite (Celtics, Magic) will make to counter it, if any. (Due to salary constraints, all Danny Ainge will be able to do, I think, is to watch helplessly and maybe pee himself.) As for the Suns, well, watching them is going to become exceedingly depressing. But I'll take some comfort in knowing that Robert Sarver will be saving some money while Steve Kerr is (presumably) saving his job.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Cleveland Cavaliers, luxury tax, Phoenix Suns, Shaq

Donyell Marshall's wardrobe malfunction: Marshall amused his teammates and horrified fans in attendance when he took off both his warm-up shirt and jersey while subbing into a game. Good times. Now watch Lebron go absolutely bonkers over it. I mean, sweet breakdancing Jesus, he was laughing so hard you'd think that Marshall had just gotten a pie in the face and then slipped comically on a banana peel.


Reggie Miller invents a word: On January 31, 2008, Miller coined a term during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." What a wet blanket.

Kobe Bryant has a career lowlight: Mamba scored 39 points (a team high) and grabbed 10 boards (another team high) in a 90-89 loss to the Detroit Pistons. Brilliant game, right? Sure, if you overlook his severe case of fumbleitis. For much of the game, Kobe handled the rock like somebody had replaced his hands with two honeybaked hams. He coughed up the ball a career-high 11 times -- 7 of which came in the first half -- on his way to his first career triple bumble. He also unleashed some of his trademark "subtle" criticism of his teammates: "What are you going to do when guys are open? If I catch the ball, what am I going to do, go one on three? We made the right play, we just didn't complete it." I ran this one through the Kobe-to-English translator in my Batcomputer, and apparently that comment means, "Hey, not my fault. Go talk to Lamar. He airballed the final shot." But this also begs the question: When has Kobe ever shied away from going one-on-three?

Christmas comes early for the Lakers: You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach the moment you you realize something disastrous just happened? Well, we had that feeling for a full weekend after the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown. Did Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace accidentally click "accept" in his Yahoo Fantasy NBA Trade Manager? The world may never know. Needless to say, the Lakers made off like bandits, but what did Memphis gain from this? An expiring contract, a backup point guard, a slow-footed low-jumping center, and two bench players to be named later. Thank goodness that Kevin McHale saved him by handing over O.J. Mayo (and, er, Antoine Walker...).

The Phoenix Suns trade machine: With the best record in the Western Conference, the Suns become a statistic in the tsunami of 2007-08 panic trades, getting The Big No-Longer-Sherrif-in-Maricopa-County Shaq for Marcus Banks's bloated contract and an inexplicably disgruntled Shawn Marion. Result: limping into the playoffs as a 6th seed and a quick first round exit. [Submitted and written by anacondahl.]

The trade didn't quite work out how Kerr and the Kool-Aid drinking faithful (myself included) had hoped. Instead of finally slipping on that elusive championship ring, the Suns were bounced in the first round by you guessed it, the Spurs, and are now left with the lyrical stylings and massive contract of the one and only Big Cactus. [Submitted and written by Mark of Black Jesus Disciples.]

For knifing fans of the game by trying to become Spurs II. [Submitted and written by jaz.]

And finally, from Brandon of Ballerblogger: "If it works, I'm a genius," Kerr said. "If it doesn't, I'm a moron, I guess." - Steve Kerr

Bonus quote: "In my experience, it takes two or three years to get a group of guys together that could possibly get it done,” O’Neal said. “When I was in Orlando, we had a group of guys who couldn’t get it there, and we added the piece in Horace Grant and it took us over the top. I think I was the piece that they (the Suns) were missing. Next year, we’ll have a full season, and things look pretty good."

"Over the top?" Is he referring to his win over the Birmingham Baron Bulls in 1995? Or the toal humiliation he suffered at the hands of Hakeem Olajuwon in the next round?

Extra info that you might find interesting: Kerr and company brought O'Neal in to be a force defensively. Tim Duncan averaged 25 points, 14 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocks, and shot 50% from the floor in San Antonio's 4-1 first round victory.

Shaq's First Round Stats: 15 points, 9 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 blocks, 44% from the field, 50% from the free throw line. Marion's #'s against San Antonio in 2006-2007: 16 points, 11 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 blocks, 52% from the field, 47% from the 3-point line, 71% from the free throw line.

And let's not forget that O'Neal has two years ($40 million) left on his contract, while Marion's deal expires after the coming season. The Matrix's deal will either come off the books and Miami will have $17 million in cap space. Or they'll trade his expiring contract for young talent.

Update! Shawn Marion's wish is granted: Despite the fact that he was the highest paid player on a team that included both Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire and was a legitimate championship contender, Shawn Marion wanted out, out, out. Despite being the team's biggest money maker and second-leading shot getter, Shawn felt unloved and disrespected by Robert Sarver, Mike D'Antoni, his teammates, the ballboys, fans and the media. Did I miss anybody? Oh yeah, he didn't get the endorsements he deserved, either. The previous season, during an interview for ESPN the Magazine, he was asked if he'd rather be an MVP candidate and a 30-point scorer on a lesser team than hooping it up alongside Nash and Stoudemire. Here's what he said: "Wow, that's interesting. I've never been asked that. That would be an interesting situation to be in, to really show people what I can do. [Pause] But we'd be in the playoffs, right?"

Then, before the next season could even start, apparently angered by hearing his name mentioned in trade rumors, Marion demanded a one-way ticket out of The Valley of the Sun...even suggesting a deal with the hated Lakers. And this is what the drama king had to say: "Sometimes, it's just time, and it's time to go. It's been like a nightmare. It hurts me making this phone call. It's hurting me in my stomach. I'll do what I've got to do. I'm a professional. I'm not bitter. I love the fans but I've got to take care of me."

Nothing happened at the time; Marion shut his mouth and played, and Suns fans watched and waited for the inevitable move. And then it came: Shaq arrived in Phoenix and Marion was shipped to Miami to play for what would end up being a 15-win team. He ended up averaging 14 PPG and 11 RPG in 29 games with Miami before shutting it down for the season due to Pat Riley wanting his team to tank a cryptic back ailment. And now it looks like he'll be on the move again, with the greatest liklihood being that -- if he is moved -- he'll wind up playing for a non-contender and performing well below his ceiling with the Suns. Congratulations, Shawn. I hope the weather is nice in NBA Hell.

Isiah continues to lose his grip on reality, Part 17: With his team squatting on a 14-35 record -- the fourth-worst mark in the league -- and in the midst of a seven-game losing streak, the Baby-faced Assassin claims the Knicks are improving. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." And that, my friends, is what we like to call denial.

T-Mac's All-Star Game hooky: The man simply did not want to play.

Allen Iverson waxes poetic regarding his ink: In an interview about his tattoos, The Answer said, "I put shit on my body that means something to me." He puts shit on his body?

Brad Miller versus Brian Cardinal: The two former Boilermaker teammates face each other on the court. Hilarity ensues.

Devean George blocks Mark Cuban's cock: This was something nobody could have seen coming. The Mavericks pull off a blockbuster trade for prodigal son Jason Kidd, only to have the deal blocked by one Devean Jamar George. George had a "virtual no-trade clause" that allowed him to reject the trade because he's on a one-year contract and would lose his "Early Bird" rights. That's a stipulation that would allow Dallas -- and only Dallas -- to go over the salary cap to sign him. Basically, it would maximize his money should Mark Cuban decide, after the season, that he wants to go balls out to sign George to another, more lucrative contract. Yeah. Not gonna happen. But he may get signed by the Celtics?! Because, yeah, he's the next best thing to James Posey...

D-Wade has skillz (but not really): The NBA All-Star Skills Challenge turned into a somewhat exciting battle of one-upsmanship between two emerging superstar point guards, with Deron Williams setting a new even record (25.5 seconds) to upset Chris Paul in the finals. However, Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade just embarrassed themselves. Kidd's woeful lack of shooting touch was on display when he clunked all five three-point attempts and got tossed after round one with a time of 39.7 seconds. Wade, though...Wade had a full-on ego-ectomy. After electing not to even practice the course, the two-time defending Skills Competition champion lost his dribble out of bounds, botched four straight jumpers before just giving up and flinging the fifth at the hoop, and then missed two layups before ending the round with a score of 53.9 seconds...a time even Stephen Hawking could have beaten. [Nominated by dumbgenius.]

Steve Nash doesn't give a @#$%&! about the three-point contest: Nash admitted before the Three-Point Shootout that the only reason he was taking part in the event was because the Collective Bargaining Agreement says he has to. (Said Nash: "They hold me to it every year.") So naturally he went out and performed like a man who didn't care and wanted it to all be over as quickly as possible, hitting only eight of 25 shots and scoring a lowly nine points. Maybe that'll teach David Stern not to force unwilling former MVPs to compete in meaningless contests they couldn't care less about.

Dirk gives a @#$%&! about it, but fails: He was a late addition to the Three-point Shootout because of Kobe's tender mangina sore pinkie finger...but Dirk was shooting 29 percent from three at the time. So why'd they add him? Star power, baby! But not quite enough. He failed early and often.

Reggie Miller says "titty" on national TV: Oh yes he did.


The Knicks redefine "team unity": During a timeout, Zach Randolph threw a cup of water at Nate Robinson. Nate then threw a towel at Zach. In other words, it was just another night at the office for Team Dysfunction. Rather than disciplining his players, coach Isiah Thomas praised their "feistiness" and "nastiness," which is kind of like praising your crazy ex-girlfriend's "passion" after she burns down your apartment building. Amazingly, the Knicks transformed their malaise into a 113-100 overtime win, proving that, at least once in a while, insanity works. Reactions below. [Nominated by karma.]


Danny Ferry's "blockbuster" trade: I'm pretty sure this trade was not what LeBron James had in mind when he asked for more help. Kobe threw a hissy fit and got Pau Gasol, while LeBron played the good soldier and got Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West. Doesn't give King James much of an incentive to play nice next time, does it? I've heard that the deal was a "win now" move for Danny Ferry and the Cavs. Win now? In the D-League, maybe.

John Paxson's "blockbuster" trade: Well, he got rid of Ben Wallace...for Larry Hughes. Oh dear God.

Greg Oden's hair adventure: In a turn of events only slightly less devastating than his season-ending knee surgery, Greg Oden now has gets a frohawk. Or maybe the frohawk has him. I'm hoping Steve Blake follows suit and sports a Red Rooster.

Candace Parker's career move: Candace Parker announces that she will leave college early to play in the WNBA! So she should be making six figures for, oh, about five seasons. I hope she invests wisely.

Anthony Parker praises the Knicks: He had some...interesting things to say after his team lost to the Knicks: "I don't think you can look at their record and say, 'Oh, it’s a bad team.' I think they’'e shown they can go into D.C. and get a win. They are capable of going into Philly and getting beaten pretty badly. They've got a lot of talent and a lot of options. I think they played well tonight." I don't know about you, but I can look at a 17-win team and say TThat's a bad team." I can even say, "They're a very bad team." In fact, I can say "They're a crap-coated poopsicle" and not feel as though I've overstated things.

The worst basketball possession of all time: Thank you, Zach Randolph. [Nominated by pretty much everybody, link from sun devil.] Update! It has been suggested that I undersold this entry. So let me recap it for you:

1. Randolph, New York's titular big man, receives the ball outside of the three-point line. This is the point where you would expect ball rotation...from any team not called "The Knicks."

2. He attempts to break down his defender by dribbling the hell out of the ball, sort of like Isiah Thomas circa 1989, only without the mad handles. I promise you that a small piece of Hubie Brown's soul died that night.

3. He totally loses the rock like a retarded child trying to use the freestyle control on NBA Live during a seizure and has to run almost out to halfcourt to retrieve it. For the record, this is what happened to me back when I was using Austin Croshere (then with the Pacers) while playing NBA Live 2004. It's like the programmers thought Croshere was born with rusty coat hangers for hands.

4. Then, instead of passing the ball to a teammate, he shambles to the arc and launches an airball...with seven seconds left on the shot clock!

The best part is when the camera pans to Isiah, who looks about ready to choke a bitch. Can you imagine what would have happened to Scott Hastings if he'd ever pulled something like that when he was on those Bad Boy Pistons teams? I promise you he'd still be digging atomic wedgie out of his butt crack.


More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part I: A woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

The Spurs' first quarter explosion: On February 25, 2008, the defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session. Of course, they were playing the Atlanta Hawks, so they won anyway.

Ron Artest gets quote-tastic: Regarding a proposed trade to the Denver Nuggets that fell through, Ron-Ron said: "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft." Awesome.

Pat Riley gets quote-tastic: The Heat end an 11-game losing streak and Riles gives us a classic quote: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part II: According to the AP game recap, "Pacers F Shawne Williams (personal reasons) left at halftime and didn’t return." Well, here are those reasons: "A man wanted for murder in Memphis, Tenn., was arrested Wednesday night after leaving the home of Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams on the Northeastside, according to Indianapolis metropolitan police." It doesn't get much more "personal" than harboring a murdering fugitive from justice, does it. For his part, Williams said, "I feel like I let my organization (and) my teammates down, along with the Simon brothers (team owners Mel and Herb) and my family." Williams also said that he "wasn't very close" with Rollins, and would be more careful in the future. Mind you, this incident came only a few days after a woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home (though not by Daniels) during a "small gathering." Man, the Pacers really need to start making better friends.

'Toine's "passport problems": Basketbawful reader Jochem de Graas was quick to pick up on the rather laughable pretext for Employee #8's absence from the Timberwolve's matchup against the Raptors: "The reason Antoine Walker didn't play last night: Minnesota forward Antoine Walker didn't travel to Toronto because of what Wittman called 'a passport problem.' On the bottom under game notes. That's more creative then flu-like symptons." True enough, Jochem. If the NBA ever expands to Europe, I predict that "passport problems" will become the new "flu-like symptoms." You heard it here first, folks.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, NBA Worsties, Pat Riley, Phoenix Suns, Shaq

The Gary Payton Rule (thu ger'-e pa'-tun rool) noun. The unofficial name for an NBA rule passed in 2005 which stipulates that players who are traded and then waived by their new team cannot sign back with the team that traded them for 30 days (20 days in the offseason).

Usage example: [From the LakersGround.net forums] "It's the Gary Payton rule, for when Gary Payton refused to report to Atlanta after being traded there from Boston."

Word history: ESPN's Marc Stein coined the term (I think) in a 2005 article titled Ten nuggets in the new CBA and further explained it in a recent Weekend Dime column: "[The Gary Payton Rule was instituted] after Payton was traded by Boston to Atlanta at the trade deadline in 2005, only to rejoin the Celtics three days later after the Hawks agreed to release him in a pre-arranged deal. Since the summer of 2005, players who are traded and then waived by their new team are forced to wait 30 days before re-signing (only 20 in the offseason) with the team that just traded them."

Word in the press: The Gary Payton Rule has gotten some play this week, thanks to the Jason Kidd-to-Dallas Mavericks non-trade. See, as part of the proposed deal, Jerry Stackhouse was going to be sent to New Jersey, waived, and then subsequently re-signed by the Mavs after the required 30-day waiting period. Of course, Stackhouse had to blow that idea all to hell by running off at the mouth. Stack told everybody who would listen that he was part of the deal only "to make the numbers work" and then said, "I feel great. I get 30 days to rest then I'll be right back. I ain't going nowhere."

Of course, the NBA doesn't allow that kind of prearranged agreement. So of course several "anonymous" (read that "vagina-like") league executives and GMs starting speaking out. Said one Eastern Conference exec: "It sounds like a side deal, doesn't it? The league will have a lot of explaining to do if Stackhouse goes back to Dallas." Said an unidentified GM: "I thought it was the most blatant statement someone could make about a trade. I wouldn't be surprised at all if the league disallowed Stackhouse to go back to Dallas." Yet another spineless GM said: "It's caused a lot of people to wonder how they could get away with that, how those kind of pre-existing arrangements can be allowed." I'm pretty sure these anonymous comments provided to David Stern noterized and in triplicate.

So there you have it. Even if somebody talks sense into Devean George, Stackhouse's rash words will kill the trade, because the Mavericks have said they won't pull a trigger on the deal if it costs them Stackhouse (and thus rob them of their team depth). Nice work there, Jerry. [Insert "Wah waaaaaaah" noice here.]

Word trivia: In that same Dime column mentioned above, Stein added another amusing historic tidbit: "The irony here, though, is that Dallas also got at a player back in Payton-like circumstances at the '05 deadline when Alan Henderson was sent to Milwaukee as part of a deal for Keith Van Horn before the Bucks set Henderson free so he could return to the Mavs. Not that anyone ever suggested that we refer to the new regulation as The Alan Henderson Rule."

Funtastic extra: While trying to create a fake Gary Payton Atlanta Hawks jersey for this post, I discovered that the Hawks are one of the only teams in the league that does not offer customized jerseys. Seriously. I mean, I already knew there wasn't a market for customized Hawks jerseys, but that's still pretty humiliation, and thus worth noting.

Footnote: I reviewed the entire NBA Collective Bargaining Agreement and couldn't find The Gary Payton Rule. Anybody else want to take a shot?

Labels: blockbuster trades, Dallas Mavericks, Gary Payton, Jason Kidd, Jerry Stackhouse, NBA rules

Yesterday I mentioned that the story about Shaq's phone call to Steve Nash gave me chills. That was until monsieur flohtingPoint from Horsetoothed provided the rest of the story:

*phone rings at the Nash residence, as Steve leans back and answers it*

Nash: "Hello?"

Shaq: "Hi Steve, this is The Big Aristotle."

Nash: "Who?"

Shaq: "You know, The Big Corpulent. The Big Geritol. Wilt Camberneezy?"

Nash: "Wilt's dead, is this a prank call?"

*In the background you can hear Steve's wife yelling at him to hang up the damn phone.*

Shaq: ...

Shaq: "It's Shaq."

Nash: "Oh, hi Shaq. What's up?"

Shaq: "Nothing. Just calling to let you know your first MVP is still tainted you dumb mothafu-"

*click*

Marc Stein (who was sitting across the table from Steve the whole time): "What did Shaq want?"

Nash: "Just to let me know he won't let us down..."

Now on to Worst of the Night.

Miami Heat: Six straight defeats; 21 losses in their last 22 games; nine wins on the season. Seriously, who thought that Antoine Walker would end up feeling lucky he was traded to the Timberwolves? Bonus stats: Miami shot 36 percent and committed 18 turnovers last night.

Dwyane Wade: He played gamely last night -- 19 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists -- but he shot 5-for-17, committed 6 turnovers, and couldn't prevent the Heat from getting blown out by what was, at the time, a 19-win team. I think Pookie is a tough, courageous, talented player, but this season has been Exhibit A in the Case of Wade Not Being In The Class of Lebron and Kobe. I know there are rumors he's not fully recovered from shoulder surgery, and I also know he's stuck on a bad team full of lousy teammates. But there have been times this season -- and last night was one of them -- where it seemed like his will was broken. I just don't see the same level of kill-himself-to-win-ness in Wade that I see in King and the Mamba. Not right now, anyway.

Yahoo box scores: According to Yahoo, the Heat and Sixers each scored zero points in the second quarter of last night's game. Then, in the third, Miami exploded for 48 points while Philly had 45. I haven't checked any other sources because I'm lazy, but I have a pretty strong feeling that's not right.


Tracy McGrady: T-Mac spent most of the Rocket's game against the Cavaliers trying desperately not to toss his cookies. Flu-like symptons? Suuuuuuure. McGrady finished with 8 points on 3-for-11 shooting. And he did not take good shots.

Aaron Brooks: Somebody needs to tell Brooks that, if he wants to break into Rick Adelman's rotation, shooting 1-for-8 on national television ain't gonna get it done. But hey, at least he's a former college All-American. Oh, and he has 2.7 percent body fat, so he's got that going for him.

Lebron's supporting cast: Sasha Pavlovic? Out (sprained left foot). Anderson Varejao? Out (sprained left ankle). Drew Gooden? Out (chronic masturbation). Then Boobie Gibson left in the fourth quarter with a strained right hamstring. This is the part where the other guys step up, right? Wrong-o. Larry Hughes shot 6-for-16, Zydrunas "I can't believe they left me off the All-Star team" Ilgauskas shot 4-for-11, Donyell Marshall was 2-for-7, Damon Jones hit 3-for-7, Ira New...you know what? They all sucked. Although special mention goes to...

Eric Snow: You know Mike Brown is scraping the bottom of his bench when he pulls the Snowman out of mothballs. Snow responded in typical fashion by scoring a cool one trillion. Kudos to Shannon Brown and Cedric Simmons for each missing a shot and thus ensuring that they didn't team up with Snow for the vaunted triple trillion.

Golden State Warriors: The Warriors are the worst defensive team in the league. I know it. You know it. Don Nelson knows it. Hell, your grandma probably knows it. But even accepting that fact, last night's debacle against the Bulls was beyond terrible. Chicago was without three of their top four scorers (Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, and Kirk Hinrich) and was playing the second of back-to-back road games against probable Western Conference playoff teams. Meanwhile, the Warriors were coming off of five days of rest and relaxation. Shoulda been a gimmie, right? Oh, hell no. Instead of sticking it to a bad team, the G-Staters watched as Chris Duhon's jumper arose from it's shallow grave as C-Du hit 11-for-16 and scored a career-high 34 points. To put that into perspective, Duhon is shooting 36 percent and hadn't scored more than 13 points all season. Meanwhile, the ancient Joe Smith knocked in 27 on 7-for-11 shooting. Overall, the Bullies hit on 56 percent of their shot attempts (36-for-77) and scored 114 points. Hand in the face. Hand in the face!

Baron Davis: It was pretty obvious that B-Diddy was having trouble getting his shots off against the long-armed defense of Thabo Sefolosha. But, of course, that didn't stop Boom Dizzle from chucking them up with little or no remorse en route to an 8-for-24 shooting night (including 2-for-10 on threes).

Chris Webber: Quick! Call timeout on the Webber comeback! Oh, sorry, there aren't any timeouts left. C-Webb returned to the Golden State lineup with a rattle and a thump, scoring 4 points (2-for-5), grabbing a rebound, and dishing out a couple assists in 12 minutes of creaking action. Hey, maybe he'll work himself into shape in a few games. Maybe.

Ben Wallace: Big Ben actually played pretty well: 10 points (5-for-7) and 8 rebounds. However, he went 0-for-7 from the foul line, including one particularly uuuuugly airball.

Special Report: Shaq is on the rampage. Hide your loved ones. And your sharks.

Labels: Ben Wallace, blockbuster trades, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Marc Stein, Miami Heat, phone conversations, Shaq, Steve Nash, Tracy McGrady, Yahoo

Question for Steve Kerr: Why stop with Shaq?I bet those fat kids are still available.
Shaq to Phoenix.

Shaq to Phoenix?

SHAQ TO PHOENIX?!

The Gasol trade really surprised me. The Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl absolutely stunned me. But this trade...this Shaq to Phoenix trade...I'm very nearly speechless.

Okay, I said "nearly."

What were the Suns thinking? Were they thinking?! I mean, the whole reason they (supposedly) dropped out of the Kevin Garnett Super Summer Sweepstakes was because Robert Sarver is a bloodless miser, and he didn't want to part with a young star (Amare Stoudemire) to take on KG's ginormous contract. Well, guess what? He parted with a young star (Shawn Marion) to take on Shaq's third-highest-in-the league contract ($20 million per year), and that beastly thing runs through 2009-10! By that time, I would sooner bet that Shaq's freakish skeleton will be on display at the Smithsonian than that he'll be slamming it home off a Steve Nash alley-oop at the end of a Suns fast break.

Shaq isn't a good fit for the Suns in any way, shape, or form. Particularly since his way is old, his shape is fat, and his form is...still fat. Can he run with the Suns? No. Can he provide the interior defense they need? Not without picking up a bunch of fouls and ending up on the bench. Can he boost their woeful, last-in-the-league rebounding numbers? Well, he's averaging a career-low 7 RPG and an aching hip has kept him in street clothes for the last few weeks, so you tell me.

Last October, I wrote (through TrueHoop) a mini-article for ESPN in which I questioned the existence of Steve Kerr's testicles. All I wanted was for the man who drilled the championship-clinching shot in Game 6 of the 1997 NBA Finals to show a little of the courage I know he has to have. But Jesus salsa dancing Christ, Steve, this is not what I meant. Trading for Shaq isn't gutsy, it's just crazy. If the Suns wanted a huge, lifeless hunk of meat, why didn't they just trade for Wilt Chamberlain, or maybe Andre the Giant? They're cheaper, they eat way less, and their PERs are nearly identical to Shaq's.

From a basketball perspective, I'll admit that Shaq gives the Suns a low post presence (which they've sorely needed) and will allow Mike D'Antoni to move Stoudemire back to the power forward spot, which is his natural (and most effective) position. And from a business perspective, the trade will draw national attention to the Suns, transforming them -- win or lose -- into The Big Storyline in an NBA season full of big storylines. That means ticket sales, and television ratings, and merchandising, and people rushing out to buy Shaq's new Suns jersey. In short, it means money, and, as we all know, Robert Sarver loves him some money.

All that being said, this trade stinks of reactionary desperation. Sarver didn't roll the dice on a KG trade, so he's had to watch Boston go from being the worst team in the league to (maybe) the best. Then the hated Lakers -- through the savvy acquisition of Derek Fisher and the continuing development of Andrew Bynum -- closed the gap on his team during what is probably the last year or two of the Suns' championship window. And that was before the Gasol trade. Once Pau went to L.A., Sarver had to make a move. A move nobody saw coming. A move to shock the world.

But not a move that's going to help Phoenix win an NBA championship.

Anyway, here's the rest of the worst of the night...

Indiana Pacers: They shot almost 70 percent in the first half, yet the game was tied 59-59 at the intermission. When you shoot that crazy of a percentage and still can't take even a one-point lead, you're probably in trouble. And they were. Indiana scored 9 points in the third quarter and eventually lost 116-89. At home.

Jamaal Tinsley: He was the driving force behind the Pacers' early season "We don't suck as bad as everybody thought we would!" push. Now he's been reduced to a meaningless bench player. Last night's line: 8 points (3-for-7), 2 assists, and1 turnover in 18 minutes.

Boston Celtics: They shot 57 percent from the field, 50 percent from beyond the arc, and 90 percent from the foul line. And lost. Yes, I know the Cavs are hot and Lebron James almost had a triple-double, but the Boston defense is a shadow of itself without KG.

Washington Wizards: They were up by 12 points in the fourth quarter, which should have been more than enough against a team like the Sixers (19-30). But it wasn't. The Wiz shot 5-for-20, missed all 10 of their threes, and committed 7 turnovers in that final stanza, and lost 101-96. Do they need Gilbert Arenas? Uh, yeah, I really do think so.

Kobe Bryant: The Black Mamba swallowed his own tail last night, shooting 3-for-13 and amassing more turnovers (7) than points (6).

New Jersey Nets: That Kobe line should have meant good things for the Nets, but it didn't. They still lost to the Lakers by 15 at home. That's how badly they suck.

Do something to cheer me up: Go read my NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Boston Celtics, Indiana Pacers, Jamaal Tinsley, Kobe Bryant, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach the moment you you realize something disastrous just happened? Well, I had that feeling most of Friday afternoon when the Grizzlies gave traded Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown. From the Grizzlies perspective, this trade only makes sense if GM Chris Wallace was worried that the disgruntled Pau could become a PR nightmare at any moment, complete with retirement threats, police records and fan beatings. Or maybe he accidentally clicked "accept" in Yahoo Fantasy NBA Trade Manager. Needless to say, the Lakers made off like bandits, but what did Memphis gain from this?

Kwame Brown is in a contract year, and apparently no one has told him this, since he's as bad as ever. The good news is that in three months they no longer have to pay him. Rookie PG Javaris Crittendon has barely played this year, so the jury is still out. He is shooting 49% in limited minutes, but 22 turnovers in 173 minutes is enough to earn a one-way ticket to the Dakota Wizards. Even if he does pan out, he won't be supplanting Mike Conley anytime soon.

In a half-hearted attempt to fool the fine citizens of Tennessee, Memphis also received Pau's brother Marc Gasol, who is still playing in Europe and sounds like the second coming of Bryant Reeves. If he's had any conversations with big brother Pau, there's no guarantee he will even come to play for Memphis. Chris Wallace thinks this is almost as good as a lottery pick. You know, kinda like how Harvey Grant was almost as good as Horace Grant.

The X-factor in this trade are the Lakers first-round picks in 2008 and 2010. Barring an implosion of Miami Heat proportions, both of these picks will be in the low 20's, giving the Grizz a chance to pick up some amazingly average role players. For every Kevin Martin (26th overall, 24 ppg), there are thousands of David Harrisons, Mardy Collins, and Viktor Krhyapas.

So, in summary, Pau Gasol went to Los Angeles for an expiring contract, a backup point guard, a slow-footed low-jumping center who may never set foot in the NBA, and two bench players to be named later. Not the best trade I've ever seen.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Memphis Grizzlies, Pau Gasol

The leprechaun can finally smile again.

By Basketbawful and Evil Ted

After enduring several years of constant "Where's KG going to end up?" speculation*, we finally have the definitive answer: The Boston Celtics.

* Sorry, Kobe. But not really.

This is a great move for the Celtics, even if it doesn't take them directly to the Promised Land. For the past five seasons, the team has been a laughingstock, mired in mediocrity (at best) and disgrace (at worst). They haven't appeared on national TV since Zeus knows when -- and rightfully so. Two blockbuster trades later and they're suddenly relevant for the first time since Larry Legend's final season* and a legitimate contender in the East. If Lebron and the Lebronettes were good enough to make it to the Finals last year, why not a potent Garnett / Paul Pierce / Ray Allen combination this year? There's no reason to think they won't do well in a conference where the other contenders -- Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Miami, and New Jersey -- pretty much stuck with the status quo**.

* Despite the fact that Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, and Dee Brown missed a combined 114 games, the 1991-92 Celtics still managed to win 51 games and capture the Atlantic Division title. They finished the season on a 15-1 tear -- even winning their final eight games without The Basketball Jesus -- and then went 5-1 in the playoffs before Bird returned from a late-season back injury and screwed up the team's chemistry. The Celtics ended up losing to the Cavaliers in a tough seven-game series that turned irrevocably in Game 4 when a rusty Bird missed not one but two game-winning shots. And thus ended the Bird Era.

** Except Miami, who got significantly worse; their best shooter (Jason Kapono) walked, they lost out on the Mo Williams Sweepstakes, and they and signed Smush Parker, a.k.a. "the worst point guard in the NBA." Pat Riley's failure is now complete.

If you think about it, the trade is nothing short of a miracle, not only because Ainge pulled it off with what he had to offer (the promise of Al Jefferson's future greatness), but also because he managed to hold on to both Pierce and the recently-acquired Allen. It flies in the face of all the "inside the box" thinking he'd become infamous for. All the talk of "potential" and "youth" has been going on too long with the Celtics, and it was way past time to shake things up. So rather than gamble on the Utah Jazz formula for success -- young, hard-nosed, character guys + tenacious defense + two or three plays run to perfection -- he's going the Miami Heat route: A core of hungry, All-Star veterans surrounded by a handful of decent role players. Garnett, Pierce, and Allen all have something to prove*, and here's hoping that together they can prove it. Garnett is the inside presence, Pierce is the slasher, Allen is the shooter...that combination could work out quite nicely. The C's still need some frontcourt depth and a steady point guard, but with a new Big Three in town, they don't necessarily need Tony Parker bringing the ball down court.

* Perhaps the most fascinating subplot in the trade is that Garnett finally gets to prove whether he can win when surrounded by a talented supporting cast. Is he a winner or just a numbers guy? Time to find out.

No, the Celtics won't be deep, but neither were the Celtics of the 80's*. With only five players on a court at once, basketball is a sport where one superstar player can make the difference -- just ask the Heat. No, Garnett, Pierce and Allen aren't Bird, Parish and McHale -- who, as Rick Pitino would point out, still aren't coming through that door -- but I'll be damned if this team won't be a thousand times more exciting to watch than they have been since, well, forever. No, the window isn't huge -- 3 or 4 years, tops -- but better a small window than the brick wall the Celtics have been banging their heads into since, well, forever.

* As noted, the 1986-87 Celtics quite possibly had the worst bench of all time. The 1987-88 Celtics weren't much better off. Go back and watch Game 7 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Semifinals, also known as Larry's duel with Dominque. Coach K.C. Jones was forced to play a group of white stiffs comprised of Brad Lohaus, Fred Roberts, Jim Paxson, and Mark Acres. Their best reserve, Reggie Lewis, was a rookie and played only three minutes. Ugly.

Maybe Danny isn't a genius. Maybe he's just taking advantage of his relationship to Kevin McHale. But I don't particularly care how he did it, just like I don't particularly care who Red Auerbach beat up in a dark alley when he traded for McHale and Parish*. Let the next chapter for the Celtics begin.

* Sorry, Joe Barry Carroll. But not really.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Boston Celtics, Danny Ainge, Kevin Garnett, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Robert Parish