Friday:

Gerald finds a way to make to boos go away

The Bobcats' starters: On the surface a 2 point loss isn't too bad by Bobcat standards, even if it did come at home, and against the Cavaliers—one of the few teams in the league that actually has a worse record. At least the bench wasn't too blame; they scored 59 points, which left just 45 for the starters. That didn't compare well with the 87 points scored by Cleveland's starters. If nothing else, the Cats are to be commended for resisting the urge to get the hometown crowd's hopes up by building on their win over the Bulls and engaging in any kind of winning streak. Charlotte fans were given a far more dubious cause for celebration with the return of Tyrus Thomas, quite possibly the greyest silver lining since the Hindenburg crash only actually killed 36% of the airship's passengers.

The Nets and the Wizards: The Wizards get a mention because they lost the game, while the Nets are at a loss for excuses to justify needing two overtimes to dispatch the league's worst team. Wait, what am I talking about? Of course they have an excuse—it was P.J. Carlesimo's fault. Now that that's been settled, I'll move on.

The Raptors: Some teams just don't have any luck. This game could've occurred during any one of the many days DeMarcus Cousins sat out due to conduct detrimental to the team, but instead the volatile pivot boogied his way across the border and didn't return until he had amassed 31 points and a career-high tying 20 rebounds. Most of the credit for this belongs to Keith Smart, who has pioneered a new technique where DeMarcus Cousins, upon putting up young Shaq numbers, is allowed 20 minutes of screaming vulgarities into Smart's face. 

The mood at Air Canada Center was even bleaker than usual after the game, as nobody could figure out a way to blame this embarrassing loss on Andrea Bargnani. A few fans were able to take perverse comfort in Sam Mitchell's recent revelations that management made him coddle Bargnani like a giant, #1 draft pick baby. In case your interested but don't feel like clicking on the link, Mitchell says Calderon wasn't coddled, and that's why he's been able to win ballgames lately.

Wherever that ball is going, it's not good for the Sixers

The 76ers: I don't know what's sadder for Philadelphia fans, that the Sixers lost by over 20 points to the Thunder, or that there doesn't seem to be anything notable or surprising about that. Generally when teams are led in scoring by Nick Young off of the bench, it's either a really good night or a really bad one, and Friday's loss did absolutely nothing to dispel this notion.

The Grizzlies: Memphis sure could've used Zach Randolph and any potentially lingering angry feelings towards the team that drafted him, but the forward was unable to draw on any fading memories of Northwestern ostracism since he missed the game with an acute case of the dreaded flu-like symptoms. The end of the game must have had Memphis spectators also reaching for the nearest waste basket, as the Grizzlies missed their last 10 shots and let the visitors walk away with a 2 point win.

The Pacers: The Pacers were kind enough to only score 75 points in their trip to Boston, allowing the home team to snap their 4 game losing-streak and come away with a 19 point victory. KG rewarded them for their kindness by smacking Tyler Hansbrough in the face. Maybe it was because Tyler Hansbrough was the only Pacer who played worth a damn, or maybe it was just because KG likes smacking people in the face, but whatever the cause, the effect was an ejection for the Big Ticket. David West and Paul George practiced their synchronized swimming by each shooting 4-18, with neither player coming within the general vicinity of 18 points.

The Heat: The Heat couldn't come to the Midwest on Friday, so the Midwest came to them. The result was the same: a loss for the Heat and a whole lot of schadenfreude to go around. The Bulls crushed the Heat on the boards, enjoying a 20 rebound advantage. Joakim Noah, who still doesn't seem too fond of Lebron James, had this to say:

It always feels good to beat the Heat. And we get a night out in the city, so we're hyped right now.

I get the feeling that Joakim likes visiting Lebron in South Beach a little bit more than he did in Cleveland. It's hard to believe that this is the same team that lost on New Years Eve to the Bobcats, at home no less, but then again beating the Heat doesn't seem like much of a challenge this week.

The Beard Supremacy

The Bucks: James Harden was a one man Broped—minus the inefficiency; the bearded one scored 29 points on 18 attempts, while his freshly shaved rivals used 16 more attempts to score 28 combined points. Scott Skiles continued to demonstrate that he'll start any forward not named Ilyasova, this time opting for a one-two punch of Ekpe Udoh and Labia Mud Charm Toucher. John Henson was also denied from the starting lineup, but responded with 15 rebounds.

Utah and Phoenix: The Suns lost, at home, 80-87 against Jamaal Tinsley's Jazz. I'm nominating this match as the most depressing game of the night. I don't have too good of an argument for why; there's just something about a game where neither team scores 90, and both teams shoot 45% that I find particularly pathetic. You can't call it a defensive slugfest (unless you brought plenty of salt), and clearly neither team had much to offer in way of offense. It's just a game that should be stricken from the record, lest those who saw it are never able to regain their appreciation for basketball.

Antawn Jamison sighting: Against the mighty Clippers, Jamison played in his first game since D'Antoni decided he was more valuable to the team from the bench (back in mid-December). He responded with one rebound in 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Way to stick it to Pringles, Antawn.  

The Lakers: C'mon, you didn't really think they'd win did you? I mean, they were playing the Clippers after all. The battle for LA's soul was fought and won by the Purple & Gold's former towel boys. Do you hear that? That's the sound of 3 million fair weather fans ordering a Chris Paul jersey.   

Lacktion:

Cavaliers-Bobcats: DeSagana Diop fouled someone in his 1 minute and 48 seconds for a +1 suck differential. 

Bulls-Heat: Mike Miller spent 10 minutes and 14 seconds on the court, and only came away with a +1 suck differential. Joel Anthony was awarded the same distinction in 7 minutes and 11 seconds.  

Rockets-Bucks: The Bucks' Marquis Daniels indulged his masochistic tendencies and with a +3 suck differential in 3 minutes and 11 seconds. James Anderson of the Rockets watched Failure to Launch in his basement after fizzling his way to a +1 suck differential in 2:37. Greg Smith wasn't invited, despite going for a 2 trillion in the same time frame.  

Jazz-Suns: According to the AP, Mo Williams appeared in this game for a 41 second Mario, but the folks at Basketball-Reference (who are far less prone to having their heads up their asses) say he hasn't played since December 22nd. It's therefore not without some skepticism that I report, Jeremy Evans went without statistical accomplishment for 2 minutes and 26 seconds. 

Clippers-Lakers: Ryan Hollins of the Clippers may have only played for a minute and 10 seconds and earned a +1 suck differential, but he's still more popular in LA right now than Dwight Howard. 

Saturday:

It's like ballet, without music or grace

The Timberwolves: They lost to a divisional rival, but honestly with Kevin Love breaking his hand again, that doesn't even make for a drop of sadness in their ocean of despair. Somebody's gotta convince these guys to try a purifying dip in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. And that someone is Prince, before he rides away on his purple motorcycle laughing.

David Kahn thought that he'd be merciful on the heart conditions of his fans, announcing recently that Love would be out for, 'a number of weeks'. Something tells me that it isn't a good number if he's afraid to get more specific. 
 
The 76ers: The Sixers built on their weekend of inevitable and unremarkable defeats, losing to the Spurs by 23 points. No Spur had to put in a full half hour, unlike Dorrell Wright, who played 31 minutes and 26 minutes for Philadelphia without scoring a point. The only lead for the Sixers came on the game's opening basket, after that it was all Spurs. I was going to include the video of Ginobli shaking Evan Turner and driving for a dunk, but I found a mark of Zorro that was even more humiliating. 


It's not every day that I have an excuse to use the word Nutmeg. Actually, scratch that, there's always an excuse.

The Bucks: The Broped kept struggling to live up to unrealistic expectations, while Roy Hibbert did something crazy and actually lived up to his. His 20 points tied a season-high, while his 15 rebounds did one better and set a season-high, and his 11 offensive rebounds rose all the way to a career-high. He also threw in 5 blocks for good measure. This game came exactly a week after his worst showing of the season, where his only positive stat in 20 minutes against the Hawks was a single rebound.

Brandon Jennings had a particularly rough night, converting on only 4 of his 15 attempts. Afterwards, Scott Skiles was strangely sympathetic towards his mercurial guard.

It's been tough on him these two nights with a back-to-back because he's had tough matchups these last couple games.

Wait a doggone second here—is Scott Skiles, even momentarily, not being a Red Forman-esque hard-ass? Fire him immediately.  

Rajon Rondo versus the NBA: Not that anybody particularly noticed or cared at the time, but Rajon Rondo did it again, and by "it" I mean he bumped a ref and got suspended. It's tempting to say that such an obviously intelligent player should be able to learn from his mistakes, but that misses the point—Rajon is a NBA Superhero, and like many a great NBA Superhero before him, sometimes he just can't help himself.

The Purple Paupers: The Kings came to Brooklyn and lost by 20 points. If you take away DeMarcus Cousin's 28 points and 11 rebounds, the rest of the team would've scored 65 points on under 35% shooting and only grabbed 30 rebounds. I think the solution to Sacramento's problems is pretty obvious: trade DeMarcus Cousins.

The Jazz: Despite having been given a Mario on Friday by the myopic AP, Mo William hasn't played since December 22nd, and after right thumb surgery he's expected to miss another 6 weeks. In case you don't know, that means over a month of the Jazz starting Jamaal Tinsley—unless of course their city wide search underneath highway overpasses turns up somebody drunk enough to try being their starting point guard.

Was it awkward for you too, baby?

The latest team to benefit from this sad state of affairs was the Denver Nuggets, who watched Tinsley wheeze his way to 5 points (surpassing his season average) in the mile high atmosphere. The Nuggets have now won 21 games in a row when they reach 100 points, and on Saturday they climbed all the way to 110. You know what that means. 4 Tacos for a dollar!

The Warriors: It's nice that, despite their recent successes, the Clippers still find ways to play with a chip on their shoulders—nice, that is, unless you're not a fan of watching the Warriors being shoved slowly into a wood chipper. The Clippers, who were basically just spending the game in search of the perfect alley-oop, led 96-60 when Vinnie relented and pulled Paul and Griffin. Luckily that was not before Chris and DJ did this:


Or this...


I think they might've found that perfect alley-oop they were searching for... Mark Jackson was not amused, and during the next time out attempted to stare down the Clipper bench, Ivan Drago style. Jackson addressed this curious course of action, saying:

It was just a good old-fashioned heavyweight championship staredown. That's all...But they earned the right to celebrate, the way they played. So what you've got to do as a coach or as a player is just let it soak in and remember it.

I guess his team (bloody Apollo Creed) was in no condition to make eye contact.

Lacktion:

Pacers-Bucks: Ben Hansbrough could've used his big brother's help as he fell 5 seconds short of a 2 trillion. 

Celtics-Hawks: John Jenkins played 3 minutes and 19 seconds but didn't end up with any more stats than Ben Hansbrough.

Knicks-Magic: Chris Copeland realized that this lacktion section needed some more flavor, so he missed a shot and committed a foul and a turnover for a +3 suck differential in 4 minutes and 8 seconds.

Clippers-Warriors: Even though he was the active player who looked most like Dolph Lundgren, Andris Biedrens didn't have more to contribute in this heavyweight brutalization than a 4:1 Voskuhl in 3:37.

Sunday:

Cartier Martin shields his face as Lebron drives

 
The Wizards: One look at the box score tells it all: the Heat's top performer was some guy named Lebron James, while the Wizards were led by international superstar Cartier Martin. Needless to say, the Wizards got their asses handed to them, in this particular instance by 28 points. Garrett Temple, possibly having been informed that he plays for the Wizards, eased off his recent quality play, ending up with 0 points in 32 minutes after missing all 7 of his shots. Jordan Crawford also attempted 7 shots, but he was fortunate enough to hit one of them; although judging by his less than 15 minutes played off the bench, that's about all the luck to come his way recently. Even Nene, usually the green oasis in the Wizards' desert of crapitude, only made 1 of his 6 shots.  

The Heat provided their opponents with a classic gotcha game, creating the illusion that the two teams were competing before pulling away by scoring the final 21 points of the game while keeping the Wizards from scoring for the last 7 minutes. This loss was compounded for Washington fans by the recent knee injury of Robert Griffin III, which, unlike another Wizards loss, is something people actually care about.

The Bobcats, sorry force of habit, The Pistons: Playing at home, the Pistons found their undoing by committing twice as many turnovers and converting a dozen less freebies than the Carolina Cats. The Pistons led 82-79 going into the 4th quarter, but from then on they only scored 19 points, including in overtime.

The Suns: Let me ask you a serious question for a moment... Do you know who P.J. Tucker is? You're reading this blog, so it's a safe bet that you're a basketball fan. Can you close your eyes and picture P.J. Tucker? Well whether or not you can recall his face, P.J. Tucker is the player who led the Suns in scoring Friday night, and none of his teammates got closer to him than 5 points. This might have something to do with why they lost to the Grizzlies by 11 points, or it could all be a wild coincidence. It's hard to say. I bet you can picture Michael Beasley though, DNP-CD.

Well, at least they're getting along

The Lakers: Pau Gasol's nose would not stop bleeding. The game couldn't go on until he could shoot his freethrows, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. An assistant held a towel beneath his nose as the blood kept flowing. His face grew paler, and you could tell by his expression that Pau had begun to wonder if the bleeding would ever stop. The Staples Center crowd could only sit and wonder the same thing—the game out of reach, the moment an awkward formality that ended with Gasol heading to the locker room and George Karl selecting Earl Clark to make the journey from the Lakers' bench to the free throw line. Clark made both free throws and joined Jordan Hill, also 2 points, as one of two Lakers to score in the 4th besides Kobe.

The night had begun with a rare sense of hope for Pau. At half time he had scored 11 points on 5-6 shooting—yet a glance at his final line, 11 points on 5-9 shooting, quickly shows how the rest of his evening went. And then he ran into JaVale McGee's outstretched elbow with his nose. The Lakers continued to play their game of chicken with logic, insisting on playing from the outside, despite the glaring disparity between Kobe and MWP making 16 of their 39 shots versus Pau and Dwight making 11 of their 16. Dwight also tied his career-high 26 rebounds, but for now it's his late missteps that feel more prominent. One such moment occurred immediately after his 25th rebound, when he took the last gasp of the Lakers, trailing by 4, and threw it directly into Javale McGee's outstretched hands. It was just that kind of a night for Dwight, who also turned what could have been a huge defensive block into a perfect pass to Gallinari, who was standing, '02 WCF Horry-like, in wait at the three point line. Hey Dwight, in the unlikely event that you're reading this, you might want to follow this link.  

Lacktion:

Heat-Wizards: Chris Singleton of the Wizards accumulated no stats in 1 minute and 46 seconds.

Thunder-Raptors: DeAndre Liggins plays for the Thunder, which you can ascertain from his +1 suck differential in 2 minutes and 54 seconds. 

Grizzlies-Suns: Tony Wroten and Josh Selby quit hibernating for long enough to become Mario Brothers. Wroten is to be commended however for grabbing a rebound in a mere 16 seconds. It's too bad that's all the time he got, seeing that he was on a 135 rebounds per 36 minutes pace.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Antawn Jamison, AP mistakes, Broped, Jamaal Tinsley, Keith Smart, Lakers Death Roll, Michael Beasley, Minnesota Timberwolves Injuries, Nutmeg, Rocky references, Rondo, scott skiles

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you like people getting hit in the nuts.

It's now open season on Pookie's huevos

The Bobcats: You got to give it to Dwyane Wade, sensing how little the viewers would care to stick around for the foregone conclusion of the Heat beating the Bobcats, he offered the audience a comedic bit that's slayed for centuries—the kick to the groin. Say what you will about the man, but that's an entertainer. The NBA was not amused and suspended Wade for a game. I guess they didn't get the fine points of Wade's nuanced wit, or perhaps David Stern was unaffected because as Pablo Neruda says, "laughter is the language of the soul", and well, you know...

Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair was at hand in Charlotte, and expressed his disappointment that Wade didn't finish Sessions off with a knife-edge chop. 

The Wizards: The logic displayed by those who coach the league's most dreadful teams must exist in some sort of parallel universe, keeping it safe from the comprehension of earthly minds. How else can you explain Randy Wittman's choice to bench the leading scorer on the league's worst team? Disciplinarians might argue that Jordan Crawford had it coming after being late to Wednesday's shoot around, yet even Wittman himself hints that shooting isn't a top priority for the perennial bottom-dweller.

We've got too many guys that worry just about shooting the basketball and not about the other parts of the game.

So...let me repeat this, just so I can make sure I've gotten it straight: Randy Wittman thinks that his players care too much about shooting the ball, so he benched the guy who shoots the ball most often, because he was late for shooting the ball. That almost makes sense. On the bright side, Crawford still played close to 27 minutes off the bench and did what he does best—shot the ball. In the process he led the team in scoring with 17 points on 15 attempts. Despite a +25 Lenovo score from Nene, the Wizards lost to Cleveland by 3 points. I'm no mathematician, but I think that means that without Nene on the court the Wizards really, really suck.

They don't call them the Magic for nothing.

The Magic: According to the box score Robin Lopez had 29 points and 3 rebounds, but I'm pretty sure it was actually his brother Brook in a curly wig. That sounds more like something he would do.  Meanwhile for the Magic, Gustavo Ayon failed to fill a rather rotund Big Baby shaped hole in the Orlando roster, compiling 4 points and 3 assists. This is the third straight loss for the Magic since Big Baby was injured, which continues to foster an uncomfortable feeling of respect within me for the NBA's answer to Chubbs from Teen Wolf. Orlando is clearly at a loss for how to score without the big lug, as the Hornets kept them they were unable to score a field goal for the game's final 6 minutes. Just imagine how terrible this team would be without Jameer Nelson's 28 points and 10 assists. On 2nd thought, you don't need to imagine, just wait a day or so.

The Grizzlies: Their bench scored a mere 19 points, which is probably a season-high; Rudy Gay missed the game for personal reasons; and Memphis let Dorrell Wright explode for 28 points on 11 attempts, while Spencer Hawes and his facial hair went Hulk Hogan on them with 20 points, 5 blocks, and 3 steals. I'm not a betting man (I'm far too broke to offer anybody a bet they might be interested in), but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that this is just the beginning for Hawes and Wright's statistical dominance.

Evan Turner: Considering they coach in different conferences, Doc Rivers should really try giving Lionel Hollins a call and asking him how to contain Evan Turner. Turner has now totaled 13 points in the 4 games he's played in his career against the Grizzlies, exemplified by Wednesday's single point in 40 minutes and 43 seconds. 

The T-Pups: Back during the Linsanity era, the one knock on Lin was that he turned the ball over a lot. Well, Linsanity made a return on Wednesday, just without all those pesky points and assists, as the Rockets' leader in all-star votes complemented his 7 turnovers with 8 points and 1 assist. However, the Rockets were playing the Timberwolves so it didn't matter, not with James Harden (over 200,000 less all-star votes than his backcourt partner) scoring 30 points, and Kevin Love missing 11 of his 14 shots. Minnesotans showed up in droves to support Kevin McHale, resulting in the third-largest crowd ever at the Target Center (at least I assume that was why, it might've just been for the opportunity to see neither team reach 90 points. People are pretty nostalgic for the 50's.)  

The immortal battle of Youth vs. Tinsley

The Jazz: Utah played Jamaal Tinsley, zero points, 21 minutes and 19 seconds...against the Warriors...who are good...at basketball. Moving on.

The Nyets: A 15 point loss to the Bucks without Deron Williams doesn't seem like the kind of game that would get Avery Johnson fired, but keep in mind the Barclay Center continues to have technical issues, and someone, Deron Williams, recently sent Nets CEO Brett Yormark some photoshopped images of Avery Johnson skulking around the maintenance room with a screwdriver. Yormark clearly took those pictures to heart, tweeting:

Nets fans deserved better today. The entire organization needs to work harder to find the solution. We will get there.

And by, "the solution", Yormark apparently meant P.J. Carlesimo.

The Raptors: After winning 5 straight games, the Toronto Raptors ran smack into the bitter face of reality, also known as the San Antonio Spurs. Not playing Andrea Bargnani can get a team pretty far in this world, but eventually most teams have to grow up and face the fact that they're not in the same arena as the Spurs, figuratively. Unfortunately for the Raptors, they were in the same arena as the Spurs literally, and the result was a 20 point ass-whooping.

The Raptors didn't have a single starter reach double-digits, while the Spurs had three. This resulted in a 55-27 discrepancy between the two teams' starters, or as the AP called it, a 54-25 discrepancy. Seriously AP, it's simple addition, and you got both numbers wrong. If anybody had bothered to check either number, instead of just drunkenly eyeballing the figures, this would've been clear. People are still getting paid for this stuff, right?   

The Suns, fortune's foil: The Suns should've never killed J.R. Smith's family in front of him when he was a small boy. It looked like Phoenix was about to snap their most recent losing streak, when J.R. finally got his revenge, first tying the game, and then hitting a shot at the buzzer to seal it.


See what happens when it's not Christmas, and Kidd's inbounds pass actually lands inbounds? J.R.'s twin jumpers essentially doomed a career night from Jared Dudley to futility. The politically correct forward scored a career-high 36 points, prompting speculation that he's getting good enough to consider playing basketball professionally. 

The Sacramento Kings-well, mostly Keith Smart: It's not often that you can say a coach should thank his lucky stars that he doesn't play somewhere where the ownership gives a fuck, but that's exactly the situation currently facing the ironically named Coach Smart. I don't know what DeMarcus Cousins said to him in the locker room, but it's hard to imagine that it's worth the team losing its leading scorer and rebounder for two games. Although, truth be told, all that it resulted in was a win and a loss to the Blazers.

Still, Smart was basically brought in because he seemed to get along with Cousins, if he can't do that, or consistently win, you've got to wonder what he's basing his feelings of job security on—that is, beyond mismanagement and general apathy. I recognize that some sort of disciplinary action might've been justified, but that's what fines and laps around the gym are for; there's no need to take it out on the handful of fans who are struggling to maintain interest in this franchise—or, more importantly, the tens of thousands of fantasy owners who could've drafted Kenneth Faried instead.

The Lakers: Speaking about the Manimal, people who failed to draft this undying source of offensive rebounds aren't the only ones who've had enough of his sass. This was made clear with 5 minutes left in the third, when Pumaman's hand had a message it just couldn't wait any longer to tell Faried's face. Dwight denied any malicious intent saying, "I like the young fellow"—not the young fella mind you, because apparently the AP thinks that Dwight Howard is British. He also elaborated that Faried was the finest ol' chap he knew, and hopefully they'd get together soon to play some croquet and enjoy some crumpets. I'd show some footage of the flagrant 2 that got Howard ejected, but we've all seen it by now. Plus, I have another clip that exemplifies the game more precisely.


Corey Brewer matched a career-high with 27 points and made 4 of his 6 threes in the final period. Luckily for his face, Howard was in the locker room by then.

Lacktion:

Magic-Hornets: Andrew Nicholson was underutilized by the Magic for a 2 trillion.

Bucks-Nets: Tornike Shengelia picked up the slack with Josh Childress registering a DNP-CD, resulting in somebody on the Nets getting a trillion. Doron Lamb and John Henson did the same for the Bucks.

Warriors-Jazz: Speaking about picking up the lacktion slack, with both Jeremy Tyler and Ken Bazemore putting up useful stats, the eyes of the Golden State Warrior faithful turned to Richard Jefferson who didn't disappoint with a highly disappointing +1 suck differential in 3 minutes and 6 seconds.

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Evan Turner, Jamaal Tinsley, Keith Smart, Linsanity, Randy Wittman, The Bobcats, The Lakers, The Magic, The Nets, The Wizards

Brian Scalabrine: I understand that Brian's talents are somewhat, you know, limited, but a line of 3 points (1-for-3) and 2 rebounds from your starting power forward is a little disappointing. However...[looks down the Boston bench]...I guess he's the best option they have right now. I really shouldn't rag on Veal too much. He works hard and hustles his ass off for each and every one of the five minutes he plays. And the Celtics are 6-2 since he replaced Kevin Garnett in the starting lineup, so I guess he must be doing something right.

Fun fact: Brian Scalabrine instructional videos. For basketball. Seriously. They exist.

Travis Diener: Ideally, a starting point guard should be able to shoot efficiently and run an offense. Last night, Travis didn't (2-for-8) and couldn't (1 assist, 2 turnovers). Then he injured his ankle by -- get this -- stepping on referee Bennet Salvatore's foot. Said Diener: "I don't know why he was so close to me." Good question, Travis. But I have a better one for you: Who gets injured in a minor collision with an aging, white-haired referee? And, of course, the answer is you.

Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Travis' high school basketball coach was his uncle Dick Diener. Hold on, I want to type that out again. Dick Diener.

Jamaal Tinsley: The four or five people who bother to analyze the Pacers seem to think that Jermaine O'Neal's absence is the reason for the team's woes (eight losses in their last 10 games). But I'm here to tell you that's not the case. The driving force behind Indiana's surprising early season success was the play of Tinsley. When he was healthy and playing well, the Pacers were winning with our without O'Neal. But the raps against Tinsley -- namely that he can't stay healthy and doesn't understand the importance of shot selection -- have once again proven to be true and true. His recent appearances have been spotty, and now he's out until sometime after the All-Star Game with inflammation in his right knee. The fact is, the Pacers are only going to go as far as Tinsley can take them, and that appears to be the trainer's table.

Fun fact: Tinsley learned the game playing streetball at Rucker Park. His streetball nickname: Mel Mel The Abuser.

Tayshaun Prince: Remember when Tayshaun was dubbed The Next Scottie Pippen? Turns out that was absolutely true, assuming people meant the early 2000s version of Pippen. His offensive game has fallen off (13.3 PPG on 43 percent shooting), and his specialty -- defense -- hasn't been so hot lately either. Last night, Prince scored 6 points (2-for-10) and got handiwiped by Josh Smith (30 points, 12-for-21). Maybe it's just me, but it sure feels like the improved play of the Pistons bench has served as a cloaking device for Prince's disappointing season.

Fun fact: According to his official Web site, Tayshaun's hobbies include reading and going to plays.

Joe Johnson: The Hawks' All-Star representative shot 3-for-13 against the Pistons. You know, in most cases, averaging 20 PPG on 40 percent shooting for a bad team doesn't win you a spot on the All-Star team (just ask Gerald Wallace). I'm sorry, but Joe's spot should have gone to Jose Calderon.

Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Joe is "notorious for his great ball-handling ability considering his size, and for his jump shot." He's also notorious for his garlic breath.

Mario West: He played 17 seconds last night. I know I've asked this before, but why even bother to play somebody 17 seconds? Couldn't he accomplish more by handing out towels on the bench, or ordering pizza for after the game?

Fun fact: Mario has appeared in 38 games this season. He has played 35 seconds or less in 13 of those games, including games of one second, two seconds, and three seconds.

Minnesota Timberwolves: I know they're one of the worst teams in the league, but they got beaten last night by Bostjan Nachbar. And if you're wondering whether a monkey got hold of my keyboard and mashed that sentence out by mistake, let me just say ooh OOH aah AAH!!

Fun fact: If you ever need to scream it in excitement, Bostjan's name is pronounced BOSHT-yahn NAHK-bahr. You know, in case you're a Nets fan (unlikely), an NBA groupie (slightly more likely), or a cheap prostitute (call me).

Miami Heat: Well, they're scoring more points and losing close games now. I guess that's a step up. They're 1-22 in their last 23 games.

Fun fact: There is nothing "fun" about the Heat right now. Not even making fun of them.

Allen Iverson: A 5-for-20 shooting night will always win you a place in the Worst of the Night. Especially since I just kind of assume an All-Star could score at least one point per shot.

Fun fact: In an interview about his tattoos, The Answer said, "I put shit on my body that means something to me." He puts...shit on his body?

Sacramento Kings: Playoffs? Don't talk to be about the Kings making the playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs?! Not when you lose to a D-League level Grizzlies team.

Justin Williams: The Kings forward did his best Mario West impersonation, playing 13 seconds and going zero-for-everything.

Chicago Bulls: I'm sick of the excuses. I'm sick of John Paxson making bad moves and not going all-out to make a season-saving trade. I'm tired of Ben Wallace, his contract, and his distractions. And mostly, I'm tired of watching the team fall on its face at home, which happened (again) last night against the Hornets. You might think that a 14-point loss to a really good team isn't anything to be that upset about. And maybe you're right. But if you watched the game, you know that the Bulls just fell apart in the second half due to clunky, misdirected shooting and careless, sloppy passing. Losing is one thing. Losing the way they're losing -- and without any hope for the future -- is another thing. And that thing is depressing.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Brian Scalabrine, Chicago Bulls, Jamaal Tinsley, Joe Johnson, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Sacramento Kings, Tayshaun Prince

Question for Steve Kerr: Why stop with Shaq?I bet those fat kids are still available.
Shaq to Phoenix.

Shaq to Phoenix?

SHAQ TO PHOENIX?!

The Gasol trade really surprised me. The Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl absolutely stunned me. But this trade...this Shaq to Phoenix trade...I'm very nearly speechless.

Okay, I said "nearly."

What were the Suns thinking? Were they thinking?! I mean, the whole reason they (supposedly) dropped out of the Kevin Garnett Super Summer Sweepstakes was because Robert Sarver is a bloodless miser, and he didn't want to part with a young star (Amare Stoudemire) to take on KG's ginormous contract. Well, guess what? He parted with a young star (Shawn Marion) to take on Shaq's third-highest-in-the league contract ($20 million per year), and that beastly thing runs through 2009-10! By that time, I would sooner bet that Shaq's freakish skeleton will be on display at the Smithsonian than that he'll be slamming it home off a Steve Nash alley-oop at the end of a Suns fast break.

Shaq isn't a good fit for the Suns in any way, shape, or form. Particularly since his way is old, his shape is fat, and his form is...still fat. Can he run with the Suns? No. Can he provide the interior defense they need? Not without picking up a bunch of fouls and ending up on the bench. Can he boost their woeful, last-in-the-league rebounding numbers? Well, he's averaging a career-low 7 RPG and an aching hip has kept him in street clothes for the last few weeks, so you tell me.

Last October, I wrote (through TrueHoop) a mini-article for ESPN in which I questioned the existence of Steve Kerr's testicles. All I wanted was for the man who drilled the championship-clinching shot in Game 6 of the 1997 NBA Finals to show a little of the courage I know he has to have. But Jesus salsa dancing Christ, Steve, this is not what I meant. Trading for Shaq isn't gutsy, it's just crazy. If the Suns wanted a huge, lifeless hunk of meat, why didn't they just trade for Wilt Chamberlain, or maybe Andre the Giant? They're cheaper, they eat way less, and their PERs are nearly identical to Shaq's.

From a basketball perspective, I'll admit that Shaq gives the Suns a low post presence (which they've sorely needed) and will allow Mike D'Antoni to move Stoudemire back to the power forward spot, which is his natural (and most effective) position. And from a business perspective, the trade will draw national attention to the Suns, transforming them -- win or lose -- into The Big Storyline in an NBA season full of big storylines. That means ticket sales, and television ratings, and merchandising, and people rushing out to buy Shaq's new Suns jersey. In short, it means money, and, as we all know, Robert Sarver loves him some money.

All that being said, this trade stinks of reactionary desperation. Sarver didn't roll the dice on a KG trade, so he's had to watch Boston go from being the worst team in the league to (maybe) the best. Then the hated Lakers -- through the savvy acquisition of Derek Fisher and the continuing development of Andrew Bynum -- closed the gap on his team during what is probably the last year or two of the Suns' championship window. And that was before the Gasol trade. Once Pau went to L.A., Sarver had to make a move. A move nobody saw coming. A move to shock the world.

But not a move that's going to help Phoenix win an NBA championship.

Anyway, here's the rest of the worst of the night...

Indiana Pacers: They shot almost 70 percent in the first half, yet the game was tied 59-59 at the intermission. When you shoot that crazy of a percentage and still can't take even a one-point lead, you're probably in trouble. And they were. Indiana scored 9 points in the third quarter and eventually lost 116-89. At home.

Jamaal Tinsley: He was the driving force behind the Pacers' early season "We don't suck as bad as everybody thought we would!" push. Now he's been reduced to a meaningless bench player. Last night's line: 8 points (3-for-7), 2 assists, and1 turnover in 18 minutes.

Boston Celtics: They shot 57 percent from the field, 50 percent from beyond the arc, and 90 percent from the foul line. And lost. Yes, I know the Cavs are hot and Lebron James almost had a triple-double, but the Boston defense is a shadow of itself without KG.

Washington Wizards: They were up by 12 points in the fourth quarter, which should have been more than enough against a team like the Sixers (19-30). But it wasn't. The Wiz shot 5-for-20, missed all 10 of their threes, and committed 7 turnovers in that final stanza, and lost 101-96. Do they need Gilbert Arenas? Uh, yeah, I really do think so.

Kobe Bryant: The Black Mamba swallowed his own tail last night, shooting 3-for-13 and amassing more turnovers (7) than points (6).

New Jersey Nets: That Kobe line should have meant good things for the Nets, but it didn't. They still lost to the Lakers by 15 at home. That's how badly they suck.

Do something to cheer me up: Go read my NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Boston Celtics, Indiana Pacers, Jamaal Tinsley, Kobe Bryant, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

The Miami Heat: After the Heat's 96-85 loss to the 76ers, Dwyane Wade said: ""It's tough to lose, but it's tougher to be the worst team in the Eastern Conference. You don't know what you're going to see from one night to the next." That statement was so stunning that I actually had to go and double-check the standings, and it's true: Miami (8-21) has the worst record in the Eastern Conference, and second worst (to Minnesota) in the league. They were the 2006 NBA champions, and now they're en route to a possible top three pick in the 2008 NBA Draft Lottery. I cannot believe that a team with Shaq and Dwyane Wade could be this bad. Pat Riley needs to fire himself immediately.

Fun Fact: Shaq took four shots last night. Four. He's had double-figure shot attempts in only three games this month (he's averaging 9.7 FGA on the season). He's scored 20 or more points exactly three times this season. At this point, the Heat need to trade Shaq. I know it sounds crazy, but he came to Miami and won his championship, thus "proving" himself. About the only thing that would motivate The Big Washed Up is a change of scenery. And while even that might not work, the Heat need him off their roster ASAP. I know public sentiment might be in his corner, but as Jason Williams has taught us, NBA players are just high-paid prositutes. Speaking of which...

Jason Williams: The NBA's self-proclaimed high-paid prostitute didn't get his high-paid butt off the bench last night.

New York Knicks: Every Knick players is secretly grateful for the existence of the Miami Heat, because it means they aren't the worst and most disappointing team in the East. Anyway, Isiah's latest gimmick failed miserably. Yeah, he brought Zach Randolph off the bench and it gave the team a short-term boost -- up by one point at halftime! Sadly, they still suffered another double-digit butt-kicking.

Eddy Curry: Sure, he started at center for the Knicks, but he played two minutes before getting benched. Then he played only two more minutes in the second half before heading to the bench for good with his 2 points, zero rebounds, zero blocked shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover. Said Curry: "It's extremely tough to sit that long. I'm not used to that at all and I hope it doesn't continue. I just think at some point I'm going to have to be out there for us to win the game." Because we all know how much Eddy contributes to winning environments.

Jamaal Tinsley: This guy is a career 31 percent three-point shooter, and he's only hitting 30 percent of his treys this season. But that didn't stop him from hoisting up eight threes last night -- and missing all of them -- on his way to a craptacular 6-21 shooting performance.

Fun fact: The Atlanta Hawks (15-12) have won five games in a row, and eight of their last 12. Wow. Maybe these guys actually can make the playoffs.

Jason Kidd: He's one of the best point guards of all time, which explains the constant rumors about where he may or may not end up if the Nets decided to trade him away. But his poor shooting ability has always been a problem. He's currently shooting a career-worst 36 percent from the field, which wasn't helped by last night's 0-for-8 showing against the Pistons. Considering how weak the supporting cast is, the Nets need more than 2 points from this guy if they want to compete with anybody, let alone one of the league's elite teams.

Jason Collins: Last night's zero-point, 1-rebound performance was just more of the same for Collins. He's now gone scoreless in 17 of the 27 games he's played this season. He's also had eight 1-rebound games, and four zero-rebound games. And this guy was starting as recently as four games ago. He's making over $6 million this year, by the way, and he'll be making about the same next season too.

Darko Milicic: Darko's slide into oblivion continued last night: 13 minutes, 2 points (1-2), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 turnovers. Have I mentioned that the Grizzlies are starting Stromile Swift ahead of him? Yeah, it's gotten that bad.

Jeremy Richardson: This undrafted forward out of Delta State notched a super-ultra-rare four trillion last night. In fact, he came within 10 seconds of making it a five trillion! That's not easy to do.

Chicago Bulls: Finally free of the iron-fisted tyranny of Scott Skiles, the Bulls once again put forth the kind of lackluster effort that got their coach fired and has made Kyle Orton the talk of Chicago. Released from Skiles suffocating offensive sets, Luol Deng shot 5-of-15 and Andres Nocioni hit 1-of-11. Ben Wallace, who chafed under Skiles' Draconion rules, submitted a 2-point, 4-rebound gem while being totally outplayed by Matt Bonner (12 points, 9 rebounds). But despite their newfound freedom and the sense of hope it brought, the Bulls still got blown out by a Spurs team that didn't have Manu Ginobili and suffered through a poor game from Tim Duncan (8 points on 2-of-9 shooting and 5 turnovers).

Jason Terry: Zero points on 0-for-10 shooting in 22 minutes of action?! And this from a guy who's role on the team is supposed to be instant offense.

DeSagana Diop: Maybe that posterization by Grant Hill hurt Diop more than anyone suspected. Last night he submitted the impossible line of 6 minutes...and nothing else. A six trillion! DeSagnana, you're seven feet tall. Couldn't you at least foul somebody or commit a turnover or something? Speaking of which...

Eddie Jones: He managed to avoid a three trillion thanks only to a timely turnover. He's getting pretty good at that.

Milwaukee Bucks: Did somebody grease the ball the Bucks were shooting with? Michael Redd (1-8), Andrew Bogut (2-8), Yi Jianlian (2-11), Bobby Simmons (1-7), Charlie Bell (1-4)...were you guys even looking at the basket?

Fun fact: You know, I might actually need to put the "D" back into the Enver Nuggets name. They may be giving up 103 PPG, but they're seventh-best in the league in field goal defense (44.5), and the four teams directly ahead of them are all tied (43.9).

Boston versus Sacramento: Any game that ends with a score of 89-69 probably wasn't very exciting, and this one was no exception. The teams shambled awkwardly out of the blocks (18-16 after one quarter). The Kings then scored 13 points in the second quarter, and the Celtics countered by scoring 13 points in the third quarter. Not to be outdone, Sacramento put the period on this yawnfest by going for another 13 points in the fourth.

Golden State Warriors: I'm not sure why the Warriors struggled so mightily to fend off a 4-win team at home despite a career-high 35 points from Monta Ellis, but I'm pretty sure the fact that they don't play defense, can't get to the freethrow line on a consistent basis, and live-and-die off jumpers has something to do with it.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Darko, Eddy Curry, Golden State Warriors, Jamaal Tinsley, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Kevin Durant: Hey, have we mentioned this kid is long yet? Well, he is. Like, really long. Unfortunately, "impressive length" does not necessarily equate to "good shooting percentage." Or even "mediocre shooting percentage." Or hell, even "bad but improving shooting percentage." Durant had the worst game of his rookie season last night, scoring 10 points (4-13), grabbing a single, lonely rebound, dishing out zero assists, and committing 4 turnovers. Through eight games, he's shooting an Adam Morrison-like 38 percent from the field. That's your 2007-08 Rookie of the Year, folks! Rashard Lewis was obviously inspired by his matchup with the hotshot rookie who replaced him, scoring 22 points on 9-15 shooting -- including 4-8 from downtown -- and almost matching his season high by grabbing 6 rebounds.

Jamaal Tinsley: By the numbers, Tinsley had an above average game -- 14 points (5-12), 4 rebounds, and 8 assists. But late in the second quarter, with the game tied at 38, Tinsley jammed a stick into the hornets nest by committing a hard foul on Paul Pierce. The Truth then dropped 13 points on the Pacers in about three minutes, en route to a 31 point, 11 rebound, 6 assist performance. Needless to say, the Celtics won in another blowout, 101-86.

Doc Rivers: The Celtics average margin of victory this season is 16 points. They've only played in one game that wasn't a blowout. Yet Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen are all playing around 40 minutes a game. What?! The same thing happened in last night's blowout of the Pacers: Pierce played 41, Allen played 40, and Garnett played 39. This is not a good thing for the Celtics, and if it continues, it's going to haunt them in the playoffs. More on this to come.

The Miami Heat: Just when you think they've finally hit rock bottom, the Heat find new and inventive ways to suck. Last night, they got blown out by the Bobcats, 91-76 -- and Miami had to outscore Charlotte 29-20 in the fourth quarter just to get that close. Did these guys really win the 2006 NBA title? There were plenty of culprits: Penny Hardaway scored zero points in 19 minutes of action, Ricky Davis and Jason Williams combined to shoot 5-21, and Smush Parker was just there. Shaq, on the other hand, had one of his best games of the season: 17 points (7-14), 6 rebounds, zero assists. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Edit: How bad have things gotten for the Heat? Pat Riley not only thinks he could do better than most of his players, he's saying it out loud. To the press. "I guarantee you I should suit up," Riley said. "I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

Rick Adelman: The Houston Rockets suffered a tough 105-99 road loss to the Memphis Grizzlies. Yao Ming scored 22 points on 7-12 shooting. Mike James scored 10 points on 4-12 shooting. Yao is shooting 55 percent on the season. James is shooting 34 percent. So why in the name of Lincoln's Wart is Mike James getting as many shots as Yao Ming? Shame on you, Rick Adelman.

Tim Duncan: Earlier this week, I gave a friend what I thought was solid fantasy league advice: Do not trade Tim Duncan for Tracy McGrady. So of course McGrady immediately goes off for 41 points (16-28), 4 rebounds, 4 assists, 1 turnover, and 2 steals on the same night Duncan was sucking his way to 5 points (2-13), 5 rebounds, 4 assists, 4 turnovers, and 3 blocks. Thanks for making me look like an idiot, Tim. On the bright side, the Spurs blew out the Lakers 107-92 despite Duncan's crappy night, and Kobe was held to 18 points on 9-19 shooting. I might have screwed over a friend, but the Lakers lost and looked bad doing it. So, you know, everything worked out for the best. Random Tony Parker Note: TP had a season-high 9 assists last night. He averaged 5.5 APG last season -- which was "good" for 13th in the league behind Earl Watson -- and he had only five games in which he dished out 10 or more assists. Look, maybe I'm just nitpicking here, because Tony's a two-time All-Star and last season's (gak) Finals MVP, but his mediocre playmaking skills just bug me.

Dallas / Philidelphia: It's games like this that serve as Exhibit A in the case of "The NBA season is too damn long and includes too many meaningless games."

Starbury / Isiah / Knicks: Stephon Marbury bailed on his team right before a big road game against the Suns, supposedly because Isiah Thomas was going to yank him from the starting lineup in favor of second-year gaurd Mardy Collins. Starbury blew up on the team plane and reportedly said, "Isiah has to start me. I've got so much (stuff) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (get) me. But I'll (get) him first. You have no idea what I know." Thomas of course shed absolutely no light on the subject by saying, "That is an in-house matter and we will continue to keep it in-house. Make no mistake about it - we do want him as a member of this basketball team. He is welcomed back." In the midst of all this dysfunction, the Knicks lost to the Suns 113-102 despite the fact that Steve Nash scored a season-low 5 points on 2-6 shooting. How does Isiah still have a job with the Knicks? No, seriously, how?

Detroit Pistons: Somebody forgot to show the Trailblazers that memo explaining that their season was over before it began because of the Greg Oden injury. Portland's offense took a huge, steaming dump all over Detroit's defense (if you could even call it that): The Blazers shot 55 percent as a team, thanks to scorching performances from LaMarcus Aldridge (9-16), Brandon Roy (9-16), Jarret Jack (7-10), and our boy Joel Przybilla (3-3). Look, kudos to the Blazers. They played great, and I am very excited about this team. But talented, veteran teams like the Pistons should never let an opposing team shoot 55 percent against them. That's the kind of loss of focus that got them booted out of the playoffs the last couple years.

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Isiah Thomas, Jamaal Tinsley, Kevin Durant, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Rick Adelman, Stephon Marbury, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

fifth quarter (fifth kwort'-ur) noun. The hours immediately following the conclusion of a late-night basketball game, during which players hit the town or go to private parties in order to engage in various illicit activities. These activities can include, but are not limited to, the following: drinking, womanizing, gambling, drug use, and vehicular masturbation (see below).

Usage example: Many NBA players have ended up on the wrong side of the law during the fifth quarter.

Word Trivia: The fifth quarter is a dangerous and potentially embarrassing time, not only for the players themselves, but also for their coaches, teammates, and team owners. Take last February, when the Pacers' Jamaal Tinsley and Marquis Daniels followed up a 113-98 loss to the Golden State Warriors by going to the 8 Seconds Saloon, getting liquored up, yelling obscenities at staff members, and then getting into a fight with and threatening to kill the bar owner. And these were the same two guys who, during training camp, accompanied Stephen Jackson to his ill-fated strip club shooting escapade.

Speaking of strip clubs, let's not forget about the The Gold Club Trial, in which it came out that several NBA players -- including Dennis Rodman, Dikembe Mutombo, Jerry Stackhouse, John Starks, Patrick Ewing, and Reggie Miller -- had not only frequented the posh Atlanta strip club, but they'd received a variety of sexual favors there. As Ewing put it in his testimony, "The girls danced and started fondling me. I got aroused. They performed oral sex."

But not every sex scandal has the sleazy allure of prostitution. On March 30, 2006, hours after scoring two points in the Minnesota Timberwolves' 103-91 win over the Orlando Magic, Eddie Griffin crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a Chevy Suburban that was parked outside a convenience store. Not only was Griffin drunk out of his mind, but he was also watching porn and masturbating at the time of the accident. According to the lawsuit, the DVD jackets for "Anal Action" and "Privates" were found in the passenger seat of his car. Remember kids, friends don't let friends whack it and drive.

I think the dangers of the fifth quarterare the least of this guy's problems...

Labels: Eddie Griffin, Jamaal Tinsley, Patrick Ewing, Word of the Day