Speaking of bawful, we have a Darko Milicic anecdote! Darko doesn't believe in banks or investments. For some reason, this doesn't surprise me, and I can't even explain why it doesn't.

Also, it's Groundhog Day. I'll spare you any "Ned Ryerson!" jokes or Bill Murray references since I'm sure you're already tired of hearing them today. But I will say this: the groundhog saw his shadow. We're in for six more weeks of bad basketball. (On second thought, it may be more than six weeks...)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:



Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Knicks, TNT, 8:00pm: I think Tom Thibodeau is still sitting on the sideline in Philly waiting for his team to show up for last night's game. The good news is I don't foresee them lollygagging their way through this one. Luol Deng might be back tonight, plus the Bulls have been pretty good at avoiding back-to-back losses for a reason. And thus ends my "serious basketball analysis" note of the day since that is pretty much the extent of my "serious basketball analysis" abilities.

Nuggets at Clippers, TNT, 10:30pm: George Karl is glad 'Melo is gone, and doesn't shy away from saying it. I love everything about this.

On the Los Angeles side, be sure to check out this great piece at Grantland on Blake Griffin.

All The Other Games:

Grizzlies at Hawks, 7:30pm: The Hawks are undefeated at home ever since losing the most boring triple overtime in the history of professional basketball. I guess being threatened with complete and total humiliation on Twitter for several hours of an overtime game was just the extra motivation they needed.

Hornets at Spurs, 8:30pm: Can we just combine the Hornets and Bobcraps into one superteam of suck? I mean, combined they'd have a whopping 7 wins! (And 38 losses. But hey, who's' counting?)

Trail Blazers at Kings, 10:00pm: The Blazers are fresh off humiliating the Bobcraps. This HAS to be a letdown game for them. I mean, it's a letdown when you win by only 15 or 20 points instead of 44 points, right?

Jazz at Warriors, 10:30pm: Fair warning: the Jazz have played only six road games all season so far, but that's about to change. This is the start of a stretch where 14 of their 20 games will be on the road.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Darko

Apparently Jeff Teague has been watching Euroleague basketball
(Video via JE Skeets)
Update! Last minute addition here, but I saw Skeets retweet this and couldn't resist posting: Gilbert Arenas discusses his shoe pooping incident.

Hey Purple Paupers fans, guess what? Another DUI! This time it's sometimes-lacktator Antoine Wright. But hey, can you blame him? He's just trying to live up to the standard of one of the team's owners. (h/t Chris)

Also per Chris, here's a nice article examining the prospects of moving the Kings to my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. I fully support this endeavor, even if it is completely unlikely. However, I will feel bad for Sacramento fans if they do relocate. In Chris's words: "We're getting jobbed very hard by the Maloofs' preference for DUIs over competence."

Speaking of bad owners, here's an amazing piece Bill Simmons tweeted a link to earlier today that was also posted in WOTN by AnacondaHL: Donald Sterling and his "plantation mentality." An excerpt:

In court papers, Baylor said that Jim Brewer, then an assistant with the Clippers, wanted the chance to interview for the head coaching job after Bill Fitch was dismissed following the 1997-98 season.

“I believe he [Sterling] was a little reluctant at first but I said, ‘We owe him that courtesy.’ So we go there and we sit down and Brewer starts talking about his qualifications, that he believed he could do the job of being the head coach,” Baylor said in court papers.

“And when he finished, Donald said something that was very shocking to me. He said, ‘Personally, I would like to have a white Southern coach coaching poor black players. And I was shocked. And he looked at me and said, ‘Do you think that’s a racist statement?’ I said, ‘Absolutely. That’s plantation mentality.”

This should surprise nobody on this blog, but it's still disgusting to see in print.

Well, to cleanse your palette after that, here's something I saw in a tweet from Deadspin's Katie Baker: "DO GLUE GET YOU HIGH" and other questions about drugs from naive middle schoolers and high schoolers being answered by the National Institute of Drug Abuse. This is way more amusing than it probably should be.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Damn you ball! Why don't you go into the basket when I shoot free throws?!"

Things I don't need to see checklist:
1) Vag Carter viewed through a fisheye list...

"Hand arm in the face! That's good defense, right Coach?"

Woah. Tim Duncan is intense.

I do love me some sad bench photos, I cannot lie...
Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Did you know that the Heat have held all seven of their opponents under 100 points this season? Now, that being said, the Jazz may match up surprisingly well here. Deron Williams is a quality point guard, which the Heat don't like seeing, and Al Jefferson's front court presence could be very important.

All The Other Games:
Nuggets at Pacers, 7pm: The Pacers have spent their last two games averaging 82 points on 32% shooting. Danny Granger's explanation? "Tempo has been down for the last couple of games, and that is not the way we play." Kinda get the feeling that tempo doesn't completely explain 34% shooting...

Also, interesting goings-on in Denver...

Cavaliers at Nyets, 7pm: The Cavs get to play the Nyets on the road tonight, and then AGAIN tomorrow at home! If the Nyets continue to put up abysmal offensive numbers like they have the past several games, this could be a great momentum-builder for Cleveland. Or completely demoralizing if they lose. You know, either or.

Clippers at Hornets, 8pm: The Hornets may be surprising us a little with their success, but thankfully the Clippers still are who we thought they were. And to pretty much nobody's surprise, the Hornets are going for their 14th straight victory over the Lesser LA Team.

Knicks at Bucks, 8pm: The Bucks' offense has been so bad that I recommend getting an actual buck to come onto the court and bounce the ball off its head. It's probably got just as good a chance of going in the rim as any Bucks player can offer right now.

Pissed-Ons at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Detroit's on a two game winning streak! They've beaten the Bobcraps and the Warriors. Amazing how that second sentence completely sucked all the life out of any Detroit fans that got all excited after reading the first sentence, eh?

Timberwolves at Lakers, 10:30pm: Cheer up, Minnesota fans. Darko Milicic may be having a spectacularly, stupendously horrible season career, but he is averaging 2.71 blocks per game this year -- third best in the NBA! -- while only playing 20 minutes per game. That's an astounding 6.38 blocks per 48 minutes! So that's something, right?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Darko, Donald Sterling, Gilbert Arenas, head stomping, Sacramento Kings

(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Here's your odd headline of the day, per JE Skeets: "Derrick Rose fails to show up to film cameo for 'The Good Wife'." According to the article:

The Bulls point guard refused to come out of his house in Chicago when the crew sent a car to pick him up on Tuesday morning, sources tell us.

Rose -- who helped the Bulls to victory over the Portland Trail Blazers at Chicago's United Center on Monday night -- also refused to give the show's producers an explanation for his no-show, even though they had him booked on a flight to New York, the source added.

Yes, Rose punking out at the last minute is crap, and I am dismayed that he couldn't show the decency to give them any advance warning or even just give them some kind of explanation. That being said, I'm pretty sure he just realized "I'm going to be on 'The Good Wife'? The Good Wife? Fuck that noise! I'm playing Xbox today."

Here's something Trey Kirby shared on his Twitter feed: ESPN's Josh Elliott and Amar''''e Stoudemire go head-to-head in a three point shootout using wads of paper and a trash can. I think you can predict who will win this one.


Worst of the Night in Pictures:







Nationally Televised Games:
Bucks at Celtics, ESPN, 8pm: For the record, I really, really do not care about this whole Charlie V/KG spat. Wake me up when they actually throw down in a boxing ring. (If they do, I'm sure that the WBO will make it an interim title fight for a diamond belt, for a small sanctioning fee of course.)

Lakers at Kings, ESPN, 10:30pm: Well, the good news for the Purple Paupers is that they'll still be over .500 even after tonight's loss. Yay!

All The Other Games:
Pistons at Hawks, 7pm: Great. We get to have another day of the media getting overly excited about the Hawks after they beat a bottom-feeder. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Bobcats at Nyets, 7pm: The Bobcats are 0-3, but according to Stephen Jackson, "It's not panic time." Bobcats fans, however, beg to differ. Any time Stephen Jackson is one of your best players is, indeed, panic time.

Timberwolves at Magic, 7pm: Darko Milicic has a 1.9 PER through 84 minutes this season. As you watch Dwight Howard play opposite Darko, think of the things that David Kahn could have done with that $20 million: burn it; piss on it; acquire 44.4% of Mike Conley. It's a fun game. Certainly more fun than watching the Timberpups play.

Pacers at 76ers, 7pm: So the question must be asked... at what point do we have to keep an eye on the 76ers to be one of the worst teams of all time?

Hornets at Rockets, 8:30pm: Good news: the Rockets offense is averaging 110PPG. Bad news: the Rockets defense is allowing 117 PPG. In related news, the Rockets are 0-3.

Mavericks at Nuggets, 9pm: With injuries and all the Carmelo drama, it's almost been overlooked that Chauncey Billups is shooting a whopping 27.6% from the field right now. At what point do we just take him out back and put him out of his misery like Ol' Yeller?

Craptors at Jazz, 9pm: Deron Williams has never lost to the Dinos. This does not surprise me.

Spurs at Suns, 10pm: I don't know about you, but I still remember those epic Spurs/Suns playoff games from a few years ago whenever these two teams meet. However, considering all the roster turnover since then (especially in Phoenix), do the actual teams really care that much?

Also, Tim Duncan can potentially become the second-leading scorer in Spurs history after this game. Honestly, who on the Suns is going to stop him? Hedo? (Ball.)

Grizzlies at Warriors, 10:30pm: Stephen Curry is likely to miss this game with a bum ankle. Get ready for Monta Ellis to get a stupidly high usage rate in this game.

Thunder at Clippers, 10:30pm: OKC has struggled with their defense a little this season. Nice to know that won't be an issue tonight.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Bawful After Dark, Darko, David Kahn

Don't look so shocked. You knew this was coming.You had to know this was coming, right?
I know, I know. It's too easy, right? Too obvious.

For that reason, I tried to talk myself out of Darko and into somebody else. I nearly chose Mike "The Amityville Scorer" James, except that James and Lindsey Hunter provided a great change-of-pace guard combination off the bench for the 2003-04 Pistons. Their defense was so destructive in short bursts that Rasheed Wallace nicknamed them "The Pit Bulls."

No, Mike James had his uses. He did.

Let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? There wasn't a less deserving NBA champ on that Pistons squad than Darko Milicic.

Darko will always be remembered for getting selected with the second overall pick of the 2003 NBA Draft, when he was infamously chosen ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade. But why stop there? Because it gets worse. Here are some other players chosen after Darko: Chris Kaman, Kirk Hinrich, David West, Kendrick Perkins, Leandro Barbosa, Josh Howard, Mo Williams, Kyle Korver.

All better than Darko, right?

There were even some decent roleplayers that came after him, like Nick Collison, Luke Ridnour, Boris Diaw, Travis Outlaw, Jason Kapono, Steve Blake, Zaza Pachulia. Hell, you could argue that Matt freaking Bonner has had a better NBA career than Darko. After all, Bonner currently has 22.9 career Win Shares. Darko has 6.9.

So forget whiffing on 'Melo, Bosh and D-Wade. It's like the Pistons could have randomly selected almost any other player in that draft class and ended up better off. But no. They selected Darko.

Darko, who became known far and wide as the Human Victory Cigar. Darko, whose life spawned a cult classic basketball blog. Darko, who despite being the second-worst second overall draft pick in NBA history (next to Sam Bowie) has somehow earned (and I use that term loosely) almost $40 million in salary and recently signed a contract with the Minnesota Timberwolves that will pay him another $20 million over the next four years. Like my old college roommate might say: Fuck me.

The Pistons got lucky, and they screwed their luck in the wrong hole without the benefit of any lubrication. Do you know how they even had the second pick in the draft that year? Because championship-caliber teams don't get lottery picks very often. It came to them courtesy of a 1997 trade with the then-Vancouver Grizzlies (who got Otis Thorp in return). And the Pistons knew how lucky they were. They did.

Said president of basketball operations Joe Dumars: "If you go back to any championship-contending team, they can point to something along the way where they caught a huge break. For the ball to come up No. 2 for us on lottery night was an incredible break. You've got to have that if you're going to take the next steps."

Said then-coach Larry Brown: "Any time you get the second pick in the draft, it's crucial that you get a player that is going to be a fixture, and a contributor and hopefully a star."

The funny thing about that last statement is that it came from Larry Brown, a coach who everybody knew had a reputation for neglecting (at best) or abusing (at worst) his rookies. Brown loves savvy vets who know the score. He hates raw players who need their hands held.

And see, Dumars either knew that or should have. So why would he pick the rawest of the raw players available? Detroit fans can thank Will Robinson for that.

Robinson was Dumars' assistant and the oldest scout in the NBA. At the time, his resume included the following: "He has been inducted into 24 Halls of Fame. He has coached the likes of Doug Collins and Spencer Haywood. He was the first African-American head coach in the history of NCAA Division I basketball."

Of Robinson, Dumars said: "Let me tell you something about Will Robinson. He's seen it all. You can't fool Will Robinson. Nothing gets by him."

Really, Joe? Really? 'Cause let's look at some of the things Mr. Robinson had to say about Darko:

"That's the type of kid you want to coach. If I was coaching him, we'd go to the moon."

"He's going to own the game. Own the game. We're going to have to build a new arena. The only thing that could destroy a kid like that is a woman."

"I've seen a lot of kids come through here in my day," Robinson says. "And none of them have ever played like that. That kid's going to be a star. He's a 7-footer that plays like a point guard. That kid's something special."

So Dumars' most trusted advisor had history's biggest, wettest, sloppiest man-crush on Darko? Well then, I guess Joe's decision makes a little more sense then. Although even Dumars realized that Darko wasn't exactly superstar-ready.

Said Dumars: "Darko Milicic is not going to have to come here and be the savior. LeBron is going to have to be the savior in Cleveland, there's no getting around that. Carmelo is going to be expected to carry a huge load. We're going to push [Milicic] to be the best he can be. But, he's not going to be judged on whether he carried us this year. We think that's an excellent situation for him and for us."

Well, that's good, because Darko didn't carry anything except his teammates' bags. During his rookie year, Darko appeared in 34 games and logged only 159 total minutes...which equates to less than 3.5 48-minute games. There were only three games that season in which Darko saw 10 or more minutes. His season-high in minutes played was 12.

Conversely, he had seven games in which he played only one minute, another five games of two minutes, three games of three minutes, four games of four minutes and three games of five minutes. So in 22 of his 34 games, Darko played five minutes or less.

The second overall pick in a draft that featured LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony and Chris Bosh! Sweet baby Jebus!

The thing is, the Pistons weren't the only ones who thought Darko was going to be a player. Utah coach Rick Majerus said: "He reminds me a lot of (Sacramento star) Chris Webber, but he's more skilled than Chris was at the same age (at Michigan). I love Darko's work ethic. We watched him play for five straight hours and then he played for more than another hour because he just loves the game. He's done a great job with his body by going from 220 pounds to 245 pounds in only one year."

I bet C-Webb was pissed. And I'm not even touching that last sentence.

Donn Nelson, the Mavericks' president of basketball operations, addressed comparisons between Darko and Dirk Nowitzki: "We saw Dirk as a multi-position player, but I think Darko is a pure (power forward). Darko doesn't shoot it from as far as Dirk does, but Darko is more dominant in the paint. Dirk is more of finesse player while Darko is more of a power guy. Obviously, we think the world of Dirk. But I would be very surprised if Darko was not a success in this league."

I hope Nelson has gotten over his shock by now.

Man, during his rookie campaign, Darko could have been the guest of honor at an ass convention considering how many NBA-related jokes he was made the butt of. But even as 'Bron, 'Melo and Wade were having strong rookie seasons, the Pistons stubbornly refused to admit they'd made a mistake. Dumars repeatedly insisted that Darko would be a huge part of the team's future...even as Brown struggled to remember the kid's name. "Derrick...? Durkel...? It's definitely a D-word. Oh, right, it's Dcoughcoughcough! That's it. I said it."

Darko's season-high in points was 6. His season-high in rebounds was also 6. His season-high in assists was 2 (he had only 7 total assists on the season). Darko averaged 1.4 PPG and 1.3 RPG. However, his worst stat was his shooting percentage, a dismal 26.2 percent. Wait, I thought he was dominant in the paint? His PER was 6.1. He also finished the season with -0.2 Win Shares, proving that he actually subtracted wins from an NBA champ.

Want some playoff numbers? Of course you do. During Detroit's run for the rings, Darko logged a total of 14 minutes in eight games, giving the Pistons 0.1 PPG, 0.4 RPG and 0.1 APG. His totals in those categories were 1, 3, and 1 respectively.

Want some advanced playoff stats? Of course you do. Darko's postseason PER was -14.8. That's right: -14.8. How does that even happen? Was he scoring for the other team? Tying his teammates' shoelaces together? Spiking their Gatorade with laxitives and human urine? Punching Larry Brown in the face? (No, that's just what he wanted to do.) His True Shooting Percentage was .087 and his Effective Field Goal Percentage was .000. He had -0.2 Offensive Win Shares, 0.0 Defensive Win Shares, and (obviously) a total of -0.2 Win Shares. So, again, he subtracted wins from the Pistons while they were winning a title.

And in case you were wondering: Yes, he was the only player on the team with negative Win Shares in the playoffs. Mind you, Chauncey Billups -- the clear-cut team leader and Finals MVP -- made $5 million in salary that season. Darko made $3.6 million.

Wait. I'm not done yet.

Darko appeared in exactly three Finals games, playing a total of five minutes. In those three games, he scored zero total points, dished out zero total assists, blocked zero total shots and grabbed 2 total rebounds while going 0-for-2 from the field and 0-for-2 from the line. He had Game Scores of -0.4, 0.0 and -0.8. That 0.0 represented his only non-negative Game Score in his eight playoff games.

And I'm still not done.

He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers. During that title-clinching game, Darko played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelined him for eight weeks. So in the process of winning his first and only championship, Darko not only earned a spot among the all-time great Human Victory Cigars, but he also made the Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame.

The only thing missing was him slipping on a banana peel and falling face first into a cream pie.

Things never really got any better for Darko after that. When Brown finally quit (as he always does), the Pistons brought in Flip Saunders, who had a rep for developing young players (such as Kevin Garnett). But nothing changed: Darko averaged 5.6 MPG under Saunders before getting shipped to Orlando for Kelvin Cato and a 2007 first round draft pick (Rodney Stuckey).

Darko was somewhat better for the Magic, but not much. However, he did give them this classic moment: A mid-game nipple rub:


Shockingly, the Magic still let him walk when his rookie contract expired. Even more shockingly, on July 12, 2007 -- the very first day of free agency mind you -- the Memphis Grizzlies (the franchise whose pick allowed the Pistons to get Darko in the first place) signed Milicic to a three-year, $21 million contract. What I want to know is: Who were they bidding against?! Oh, right. Nobody.

During his time with the Griz, Darko struggled with injury problems (first an Achilles tendon injury and then a a broken knuckle on his right hand) and crappy play. He would start and then get benched, start and then get benched, rinse and repeate. Darko couldn't even stay out of his team's doghouse during the offseason. As Basketbawful reader Mladen reminded me, after a 68–67 overtime loss to Greece in the EuroBasket 2007, went apeshit on the officials, threatening to "come back and f*** their mothers to all of them." Here's the video:


FIBA fined him $14,000 for the freakshow, while Grizzlies general manager Chris Wallace and head coach Marc Iavaroni had to wag their fingers at him to the press.

Said Wallace: "We're very displeased with Darko's actions and comments. It's an emotional situation playing in national competition, particularly with Serbia, because they take pride in having good teams. But Darko has to be in control of his emotions."

Yeah, right. Darko had his emotions so under control that he treated the Grizzlies to this classic moment: A Hulk Hogan-style jersey rip:


Despite that genuinely awesome Hulk-out, it soon became obvious, even to the Grizzlies, that Darko was never going to get any better...

...so they traded him to the Knicks for Quentin Richardson and cash. And don't blame Isiah Thomas for this one. Donnie Walsh brokered the Darko deal.

Said Walsh: "When building a team, it is invaluable to have a skilled big man such as Darko. He is the type of player with strong high-post play that will complement Eddy Curry's low-post game. He will thrive in Coach D'Antoni's system."

I seriously hope Donnie was drunk or high when he said that shit. I mean, compliment Eddy Curry's game? Thrive in D'Antoni's system? It's like Walsh had been replaced by an alien who had never before seen this "earth basketball."

D'Antoni was just as delusional: "I am very excited about the possibilities with Darko. He has great size and the skills to really help us. He can run the floor really well, shoot and has a load of talent."

He has a load alright. So much so that D'Antoni played Darko only eight times for an average of 8.9 MPG. Darko got so frustrated about the situation, he vowed to leave the United States as soon as the season was over:

"Whatever happens, I'm going back [to Europe] next year. It's 100-percent certain. I have to be real and not lie. I'm not going to get it done in the NBA. I'm not going to get another opportunity and there's nothing wrong with going back to Europe. I don't want to create a bad atmosphere here, but it's not working in the NBA. I don't give a f*** about the money. I just want to enjoy the basketball. I'd like to have the ball in my hands and have an offense run through me. I'm not just a defensive player."

An offense run through Darko? That's a Basketbawful dream come true!

On February 17, 2010, in an effort to get him the hell out of New York before he went postal or something, the Knicks traded Darko (and cash) to the Minnesota Timberwolves in exchange for Brian Cardinal's corpse (and soon-to-expire contract). In 24 games with the T-Wolves, Darko averaged 8.3 PPG, 5.5 RPG and 1.4 BPG...which apparently was all it took for Minny to ship 20-10-50 guy Al Jefferson to Utah and sign Darko to a four-year $20 million contract. Again, this deal happened on the very first day of free agency. And the Timberpoops were bidding against exactly...nobody.

The bottom line: We have four more years of Darko jokes!

So...did the Pistons waste the pick they used to get Darko? Everybody thinks so. Even Darko himself:

They did! No, they did waste a pick, you know. Why did they take me? Who knows if I really had a chance to play like these players that play like Dwyane Wade or Carmelo, those guys are incredible players. So for me, being a second pick, I don't get why they didn't play me at all and, secondly, they did waste, you know? Why did they take me? You should take someone that they really think was gonna play right away because just taking someone to sit on the bench, you waste a pick and you waste the guy's time. You wasted my time for three years not playing so you f**k up a player and you f**k up yourself, and I just didn't get it. So I just didn't get it. I guess they thought they were gonna be champions forever. I don't know.

Now that's one seriously bitter dude.

But he has a ring.

Update! Bonus video: Courtesy of Basketbawful reader jim, here's the instant-classic "Manna from Heaven" interview with David Kahn, where Chris Webber bristles when Kahn tries to compare his career to Darko's.

Labels: Darko, Worst NBA Champions

In honor of Francisco Garcia's physioball nightmare, I have updated my original dumb injuries post into an official Hall of Shame post! Because laughing at stupid injuries never gets old.

Update! Did I miss one? Provide a story and citation, and I'll add it to the list!

Amare Stoudemire: On February 18, 2009, STAT suffered a partially detatched retina in his right eye against (of all teams) the Clippers, which caused him to miss the rest of the season. That doesn't sound all that dumb until you consider that fact that Stoudemire injured that same eye earlier in the season and was told he'd probably need to wear goggles for the rest of his career. Only Amare soon stopped wearing the goggles...and, well, you know what happened.

An unnamed Timbersolves fan: On February 26, 2006, during a game against the Memphis Grizzlies, a frustrated Kevin Garnett (then with the Timberwolves) launched a basketball into the Minnesota crowd and pulped an unnamed fan's face in the process. Garnett was ejected (and later fined $5,000) and the fan was wheeled out of the Target Center on a gurney (during which the other fans booed him). According to a friend, the fan missed work the next day. Added that friend, "He is a victim, not a villain. ... He was not mad for a second at [Garnett]. He's mad at anybody who portrayed it that way. ... He's embarrassed about the whole thing. The only thing he's angry with is how the crowd reacted to him." (Thanks to Basketbawful reader Story for the reminder.)

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract.

Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.

Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.

Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm. While lifting weights. On a physioball. No, really. Said Garcia: "'Just a regular day, lifting weights. I was out there, on the PhysioBall. We've got an understanding that the exercise was good. We'd been doing that, and it exploded on me. I didn't have time to react or anything. It's crazy, man. I keep reflecting in my head. It's crazy."

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Hornacek: Here's a good one from Marc: "You need to include Jeff Hornacek for tripping over a rake during the break the Jazz had between the 1998 Western Conference Finals and the NBA Finals. He had to get seven stitches. If Horny would have been full strength the Jazz would have won the title. Or so I tell myself every night." Finally a reason for everybody to get off of Karl Malon's case!

Here's the full story: "During the 10-day layoff between the Jazz's sweep of the Lakers in the Western Conference finals and the start of the NBA Finals against the Bulls in 1998, Hornacek tried to stay busy by doing household chores. While maneuvering a heavy ladder over and around the cars parked in his garage, he stepped on a rake, causing him to fall and drop the ladder on his head, opening a large gash. He yelled to his wife, Stacy, who rushed out and found him lying in a pool of blood. 'Blood was everywhere,' she said. 'I thought he was dead.' He was only mostly dead. Seven stitches closed the wound."

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

Jermaine O'Neal: BadDave nicknamed him "The Drain" because of his propensity for getting injured. And it all began back in December of 200, when he got injured...by a sneeze: "Jermaine O'Neal may have an NBA first: Injured while blowing his nose. The pressure on the sinus caused the Indiana Pacers center's right eye to swell last week, leaving him with blurred vision. He played only 10 minutes at Boston on Friday night, then logged 38 minutes in Saturday night's overtime victory over Charlotte despite the limited vision. 'It was an old nose injury plus sinus problems,' O'Neal said. 'When I blew my nose it made a small hole in my sinuses.'" (Thanks to thebigticket.my for the head's up and the link.)

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Over the course of his 162-year NBA career, Kareem broke his hand twice. But that wasn't just the law of averages in operation, folks. Both injuries were cases of extreme dumbosity. From Kareem's Wikipedia page: "While remaining relatively injury-free throughout his NBA career, Abdul-Jabbar twice broke his hand. The first time was during a pre-season game in 1974, when he was bumped hard and got his eye scratched, which angered him enough to punch the basket support stanchion. When he returned, after missing the first 16 games of the season, he started to wear protective goggles. The second time he broke his hand was in the opening game of the 1977-78 season. Two minutes into the game, Abdul-Jabbar punched Milwaukee's Kent Benson in retaliation for an overly aggressive elbow. He was out for two months."

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off the court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Luc Longley (again): Back in the 1999-00 season, Luc got stung the the scorpion...and I'm not talking about the Spider-man villain: "The runaway winner for injury of the year goes to Phoenix C Luc Longley, who was stung twice by a scorpion while sitting on the floor at his home sorting through his CD collection -- once on the foot, once on the buttocks. 'If I was unable to play,' Longley said, 'I'll be the first player ever to have DNP-ass bite on the box score.'" Oh how I wish that would have happened. (Thanks to goathair of the Blowtorch -- great, great site, btw -- for the stinging reminder.)

Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.

Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Pat Riley: As the NarSARSsist pointed out, back in January of 2007, while his NBA champion Miami Heat were falling apart around him, then-coach Pat Riley had to take an indefinite leave of absence after having surgery on his right knee. The cause? Nobody's quite sure, but he had apparently kicked a locker room door following a loss in Chicago the previous week. While that kick hadn't caused the problem, it certainly exaccerbated it. Allegedly. Riley still never has admitted to kicking that door. Said Riles: "What I do in the locker room really has always been my business." Here's what Alonzo Mourning had to say: "Typical Riles. All the years that he's coached me I've seen him tear a lot of things up." As always, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Pervis Ellison: From Roger Williams: "In his second to last season with the Celtics, Pervis 'Out of Service' Ellison missed the entire season after dropping a table on his toe while helping then teammate Greg Minor (he of SI cover story fame) move to a new apartment." Yep. It happened.

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Slobodan Jankovic: From chris: "This ain't NBA, but it is (no pun intended) mind-numbingly dumb: 'Published: May 1, 1993. A Serbian basketball player was reported to be improving yesterday after spinal surgery to repair a neck injury suffered when he slammed his head into a concrete block in anger at a referee's decision. Doctors at KAT Hospital in Athens said Slobodan Jankovic, a 30-year-old center, may recover use of his arms and legs as a result of the operation late Thursday. Jankovic rammed his head against a cement support of the basket after being called for a fifth foul that put him out of a semifinal game in the Greek championship playoffs on Wednesday night. The blow fractured his neck, damaged Jankovic's spinal cord and left him paralyzed from the waist down.'"

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]


Tracy Murray: Courtesy of Damon: "Don't forget the Tracy Murray / Rod Strickland 'he's gay!' dispute, which led to a Get Shorty-style punch that left Murray with seven stitches. From Sports Illustrated: 'Rod Strickland vs. Tracy Murray, 1997: Murray told a lady friend, who was tape-recording the conversation, that he thought Wizards teammate Strickland was gay. The woman then replayed the words on Strickland's answering machine. Later that day, a few hours before a game in Charlotte, Strickland knocked on his teammate's hotel door. When Murray answered, Strickland landed a haymaker to Murray's left eye. Murray needed seven stitches to close the wound; both players were fined $25,000 by the team. In addition, the girlfriends of both players were reportedly upset by the reports linking their men to the tape-recording woman.'"

Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Labels: Brad Miller, Charles Barkley, Corey Maggette, Darko, Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowitzki, Drew Gooden, Eddy Curry, Monta Ellis, The Official Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame

The Toronto Craptors: They're called "motions," and the Craptors are going through them. Remember, it was less than a month ago that Chris Bosh tried to light a fire under his team by "mixing it up" with Brian Cardinal, after which Bosh said: "You have to realize nice guys sit at home and watch the playoffs. That's just how I feel, maybe I'm wrong. But if you play with intensity you're more likely to win, and you're more likely to play better basketball." Sadly, Brian Cardinal still plays for only one team -- last time I checked, anyway -- so inspiration has been hard to find. Like last night in Charlotte, for example, where the Craptors shot 38 percent and committed 24 turnovers (giving up 28 points in the process).

So here are some quick Craptor facts: First, they have lost six straight and nine of their last 10 road games. Second, they fell to 16-35 since Jay Triano took over as head coach. (Sam Mitchell, for the record, was 8-9. So, you know, maybe he wasn't the problem after all.) Third, a year after going 41-41 and finishing 6th in the Eastern Conference, they have already lost 44 games and are currently 14th in the East...30 games back of the first-place Crabs.

Jay Triano, Captain Obvious: "We just seemed to lack a lot of zip from the opening tip tonight." Well no sh*t, coach.

Marcus Banks: From the Toronto Star: "Marcus Banks is likely done for the year. Obtained in the Shawn Marion-Jermaine O'Neal trade less than a month ago, Banks is going to get some time off because of a nagging toe injury. Banks appeared in six games for a total of 40 minutes with Toronto and did not accompany the team to Charlotte for last night's game. There are no plans to replace him."

The Memphis Grizzlies: A day after halting their latest fail streak with a stunning win at Detroit, the Griz returned home and began a fresh, new skid by slipping on a few well-placed banana peels coming out of the gate. From the AP recap: "Portland built an early double-digit lead hitting nine of its first 10 shots in the game. When the Trail Blazers finally missed their second shot, it only delayed the scoring as Przybilla grabbed the offensive rebound for a dunk. The sequence dropped Portland's shooting to 83 percent."

To their credit, the Baby Bears clawed their way back into the game and got to within striking distance in the fourth, but, much like the Clippers, they are who we thought they were. And that is a team that will probably lose about 60 games by the time everything is said and done.

Darko Milicic: Okay. We all know when and where he was drafted, as well as the players who got drafted after him (one of whom leads the league in scoring and dropped 50 on the Jazz last Saturday). So I'm not going to go into all that again. What I am going to mention is his line from last night's game: 2 points (0-for-2), zero rebounds and 1 personal foul in one minute, 20 seconds worth of daylight. Okay, seriously, this isn't Bowie over Jordan, but it's pretty damn close, right? Update! From Andrei: "Just a quick addition to the Milicic bawfulness. The guy didn't get any PT last night because within a minute of being in the game he streaked to the hoop on a fast break and then strained his back on the lay-up attempt without being touched. He of course missed the lay-up as well."

The San Antonio Spurs: When you're the Spurs, and you hold your opponent to 78 points on 35 percent shooting and that opponent is the Thunder (19-48), you're supposed to WIN the game, right? I mean, San Antonio went up by 17 points in the first 10 minutes. But this is the NBA, where they continue to play four full quarters of basketball no matter how much one of the teams is behind. And you know what they say: Everybody makes a run. Gregg Popovich -- who was denied victory his 1,000th game as Spurs coach -- said: "Oftentimes, it's a coach's worst nightmare. We've all had the leads. We've all lost them because it's a game. It's 48 minutes long. There are a lot of possessions. It can happen and it does happen often. It's called basketball. It's a basketball game. It happens all the time." Yes, my friends. It's called basketball. That is why Gregg is a coaching genius.

Tony Parker and Tim Duncan: Sometimes superstars giveth, and sometimes they taketh away. Last night Parker (28 points, 7 assists) and Duncan (14 points, 12 boards) did a little of both. TP and TD combined for 7 turnovers in the second quarter, which helped field the 17-2 run that the Thunder used to get back into the game. The two of them finished with 9 TOs (5 for Tony and 4 for Tim). The Thunder, as a team, finished with 11.

The New Orleans Hornets: From super hot to super cold just like that. The Hornets had won six of eight games this month before getting hammered by the Bulls in Chicago on Saturday night. But things looked pretty good for them heading into a home matchup with the Yao Ming-less (flu-like symptoms!) Rockets. But a funny thing happened on their way to an easy win: Houston turned the tables on New Orleans, beating them by 11 points behind Luis Scola (14 points, 12 rebounds) and Ron Artest (18 points). Chris Paul was his usual spectacular self -- 29 points, 6 rebounds, 11 assists, 6 steals -- but he didn't get a lot of support from his 'mates. David West managed only 16 points (on 17 shots), Tyson Chandler fouled out with 4 points (2-for-5) and barely managed to snare more rebounds (7) than Paul. Guess we need to retract all those "The Hornets Are Starting To Assert Themselves" articles that were running a week or so ago.

Julian Wright: He finished with as many field goals (3) as blocked shots against, each of which was sent back by Dikembe Mutumbo, who at this point would make a mummy look healthy and youthful. And since I can't find any of those swats on YouTube yet, here's some bonus 'bawful from Julian's college days...



Dikembe Mutombo, quote machine: It's amazing this guy is still playing basketball. Seriously, there are "Dikembo is so old..." jokes that are older than half the guys in the league. But that didn't stop him from blocking shots and grabbing almost as many rebounds (6) in 24 minutes as Tyson Chandler nabbed in 37 minutes. And you'd better believe that finger was wagging when he returned Julian Wright's shots to sender. But Deke wasn't trying to hotdog or anything. He was trying to survive. "I've got to stop and take a breath. I'm old. I don't need to be running up and down." I guess sense of humor is one of the last things to go.

Ron Artest: Yes, he scored a team-high 18 points...on 23 shots. In point of fact, Ron-Ron missed his first 11 shots, 9 in the first half, and bonked on all 9 of his three-point attempts. That, dear readers, is textbook SWAC-ism.

And here's some bonus megalomania from Artest: "There's nobody at my position that can keep me from getting to the basket, so I have to keep that in mind." File that away with that time Ron described LeBron James as a "new and improved version of myself."

The New Jersey Nets: Giving up 38-point fourth quarter en route to a 25-point loss was bad enough, but it dropped the Nets to 12th in the Eastern Conference. They now trail the Bucks, Bulls Bobcats and even the Knicks in the (rather pathetic) battle for the East's eighth sacrificial lamb playoff spot. And now it's time for the update -- the Nets are 17-31 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

Believe it or not, the Nets outshot the Nuggets 49 percent to 45. So what happened? They were murdalized on the boards (51-31) and gave up a mind-boggling 25 offensive rebounds. No, really, my mind is boggled. Chris Andersen had more offensive boards by himself (8) than anybody on the Nets had total (Brook Lopez "led" New Jersey with 6 rebounds). I understand that the Nets were missing Devin Harris, but I doubt he would have solved their problems on the boards.

Sean Williams: In addition to missing Harris, the Nets were without Williams, who was "arrested Monday at a cell phone store in a mall in suburban Denver on accusations he got into an argument with a clerk and threw a computer monitor." Oh yes he did. The monitor was broken and a printer and signature pad were damaged at a cost of between $1,200 to $1,300. Mind you, Williams was arrested on February 15th for violating a no trespass order at Boston College, from which "he had been barred in May for reasons that BDD has declined to publically release." I have a feeling this guy isn't long for the NBA.

Lacktion report: Give me back that Filet of Chris, Gimme that Chris! (Sorry. I'm mildly obsessed with this McDonald's commercial.)

Raptors-Bobcats: With Jake Voskuhl forced to leave his warmups on tonight, the newest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity, Patrick O'Bryant, stepped on for the Craptors and delivered a suck differential of +2 in 2:52 via brick and foul, also noted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl!

Charlotte's Nazr Mohammed did make a field goal, but a lack of rebounds led to a 4:2 Voskuhl via three fouls and a giveaway in 3:06.

Spurs-Thunder: Bruce Bowen's recent resurgence in lacktivity continues with a one-foul +1 in 3:59 for Gregg Popovich's squad. Apparently this was how Popovich wanted to celebrate his 1000th game as coach, by putting Bowen back into his vintage role -- instead of actually, you know, trying to beat Klahma!?

Blazers-Grizzlies: Darius Miles definitely learned well from his early days under Donald Sterling's tutelage, as he managed to score exactly one trillion (at least by Yahoo's boxscore) for the Tennessee-based bear cubs! (According to ESPN, this acquisition of wealth never occurred.)

Kobe Bryant: He sunk my battleship.

Labels: Darko, Dikembe Mutombo, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, Ron Artest, San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

Best Christmas gift ever.
The Memphis Grizzlies are auctioning off the jersey Darko Milicic ripped in half the other night! Oh yes they most certainly are:

MEMPHIS, December 9, 2008 — When the Memphis Grizzlies said that they were going to provide fans with the opportunity to bid on one-of-a-kind team memorabilia as part of their Online Auction Series, they weren’t kidding. On the auction block starting December 11 at 9 a.m. is the game worn jersey that Darko Milicic ripped in last night’s 109-97 win over the Houston Rockets.

Darko Milicic did his best Incredible Hulk impersonation during the third quarter of the Grizzlies second consecutive home victory last night. The remnants of the jersey, which include a rip down the center that is more than a foot and a half long, will include a personalized autograph from Milicic addressed to the highest bidder.

All proceeds from the online auction benefit the Memphis Grizzlies House at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Grizzlies House has the capacity to serve up to 100 families each night and provides a free, safe and comfortable alternative to staying in a hotel.

I want it, I want it, I want it! (Even if, as J.E. Skeets noted, Darko was more "Hulk Hogan" than "Incredible Hulk.") Find out how you can get this for me here, or use conventional methods: e-mail auctions@grizzlies.com or call (901) 205-1254. I promise if you get it for me, I'll never wear anything else.

[Thanks to Kevin for the head's up.]

Labels: Christmas list, Darko, fan submissions

Note: The steaming portrait of man love displayed above was provided by J Men.

Darko Milicic: I was a little late getting to last night's games, and when I finally got to the computer I had two Darko-related emails. The first, from Brian S., said: "One minute, 24 seconds into the game, WHILE THE ANNOUNCERS ARE SAYING HOW WELL HE GUARDS YAO, Darko has committed 2 fouls and is now out of the game. He can't even do well during the 1 minute and 24 seconds people are talking nicely about him." This was almost immediately followed by a very excited email from Quinton A., which said: "DUDE!!!! MILICIC!!!! JERSEY!!!! Just coming out of halftime, Darko picked up his fourth foul gaurding Yao, which he responded to by promptly getting a tech then going to the bench and ripping his jersey straight down the middle, Serbian Superman style." Oh yes he most certainly did.


Darko finished with 5 points, 5 rebounds, 5 fouls, and two jersey halves in 10 minutes. Although Victor correctly pointed out that: "Poor Darko. That's 15 and 15 if you extrapolate to 30 minutes!" He only needed more time. Alas. Also, Trev provided the following graphic, which he found on SpursTalk.com: The Incredible Darko. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Or, frankly, any other time.


The Houston Rockets: They were down 32-19 after one quarter. To the Memphis Grizzlies. From that point forward, it was an uphill battle...which they lost, mostly on the defensive end, where they gave up 51 percent shooting and 109 points while forcing only 6 turnovers (only one more than Dwyane Wade had by himself against the Bobcats).

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "They were the aggressors all the way. They got the rebounds and got to the basket. They just outworked us. They came out much more aggressive to start the game." True enough.

Mind you, there were some circumstances. Ron Artest missed the game with a sore right foot. Tracy McGrady, of course, is still out with that sore left knee. Oh, and Brent Barry was in civvies due to a right leg injury. In total, the Rockets had only 10 players in uniform...including Steve Francis, who hasn't played all year but still managed to have his picture taken last night. Here it is:

Steve Francis: More jerseys chewed on (1) than minutes played (0) this season.
Luther Head: With all the missing peeps, Head got what was, for him, some extended PT last night (24 minutes). His response: 2 points on 1-for-8 shooting, an assist and a foul. Oh, and one of his shots was stuffed. Glad to see you making the most of the opportunity, Luther.

Jason Richardson: He led his team with 24 points and hit four of his five three-point attempts. Here's the "but": He missed two free throws that would have tied the game with 32.3 seconds left. Said J-Rich: "Anything could have happened had I made those free throws." True. Sort of like how I could be playing in the NBA right now...if I was Dwyane Wade. Or, to be fair, even if I was Mark Blount (who was 0-for-1 and finished with a rebound in just under three minutes of lack-tion last night).

I should also point out that, late in the game, with his team in the midst of six straight misses, Yakhouba Diawara covered Richardson like a 10-ton blanket, forcing him into an uuuuugly shot as the shot clock buzzed. And, uh, it didn't go in.

Emeka Okafor: Toll the bells! Throw some confetti! Emeka registered his 7th assist of the season last night! The numbers now read: 21 games started, 712 minutes played, 172 field goals attempted, 90 free throws attempted, 43 turnovers committed and 7 assists dished out. And, according to Basketball-Reference.com, Okafor easily has the fewest assists of any player who has logged at least 600 minutes this season. The next guy is Luc Mbah a Moute Jean Luc Richard, who has 20 assists in 602 minutes. He also has the lowest Assist Percentage -- which measures the percentage of teammate field goals assisted while on the court -- by a lot: Okafor is at 1.9 percent and the next guy, Udonis Haslem, is at 5.2 percent. (Haslem has 24 assists in 740 minutes.)

And Yinka Dare's soul rests peacefully.

Update! In the spirit of dissing Emeka, Murcy nominated last night's posterization by Dwyane Wade. Initially, I left this out because D-Wade has been posterizing the entire league lately. However, I changed my mind both because of how helpless Okafor looked during the play and because Murcy knows how to rock the pirate hook.


Daequan Cook: Got this email from Tom of Clutch City Hoops: "Daequan Cook: nine trillion. Killed my fantasy team." I don't know what mystifies me more: How Cook managed to do nothing in nine minutes of PT or why Tom has Daequan on his fantasy team.

Michael Beasley: My preseason pick for ROY had his second straight single-figure scoring game with 9 points on 4-for-13 shooting to go along with 6 rebounds and an assist. My contention that the Bulls should have taken Beasley over Rose is looking more laughable by the game. Speaking of Rose...

Derrick Rose: He didn't play yesterday (the Bulls had no game) and, in fact, he didn't practice either. Why, you ask? Because, as many of you have pointed out in comments, emails, and smoke signals, Rose cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Anyway, I will soon be adding this to my comprehensive list of stupid basketball injuries. I'm thinking it could be a Top 5er. Easily. Without question.

The Klahma City Thunder: Holy rusted metal, Batman. The Golden State Warriors, losers of nine straight games, stumbled into the Thunder's home arena without their two leading scorers -- Stephen Jackson (20.1 PPG) and Corey Maggette (19.1) both sat out with injuries -- and it didn't matter. They won anyway. The Thunder are just that bad. The Warriors played eight guys, seven of which scored in double figures...and the eighth guy, Ronny Turiaf, finished with 9. The Thunder were down by as many as 21 in the second quarter and by 19 at halftime. They tried to rally, but of course that rally came up short. Kevin Durant, who played great (41 points, 10 rebounds) against the Warriors non-defense, said: "In this league, when you get down by 20 it's hard to come back." Wow! His basketball IQ is off the charts!

Meanwhile, Golden State's sad season was best summed up by Don Nelson, who had this to say after his team beat the 2-20 Thunder: "We didn't win the world championship but it sure felt like it." And that's what we call "lowered expectations," folks.

Animal stylin': Basketbawful reader Josh wrote in about Dwight Howard using what will soon become a Word of the Day: "Dwight Howard sent the Los Angeles Clippers home with another L tonight courtesy of one of his patented "Double-Double Animal Styles": 23 points, 22 boards and for the F of it he tossed in 6 blocked shots. He's starting to make this routine..." You heard it here first, people. 20/20 aren't just MAN-type games, anymore. They're Animal Styles! Rowr! Speaking of the Clips...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Meh. They are who we thought they were.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba forced his daughters to sing a self-penned song until their little voices were hoarse and raspy. The lyrics? "Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE! Gotta BE gotta BE Ko-BE! Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE!"

Labels: Darko, Emeka Okafor, fan submissions, Houston Rockets, Jason Richardson, Oklahoma City Thunder, Steve Francis, Worst of the Night