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No time to waste, straight to the bawful!

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"My entire team hates me! Inconceivable!"

"Hmm... What should I do... I better call my bookie and put $5k more on this horse in the 5th..."

Marc Gasol always makes my day 83% better

Hey! Your name's not Joe! And it's not even Larry! I'm so confused!!

Man, even the Wizards Generals' mascot sucks. Depressing.

"It's okay, Manu. We don't have Portland's training staff. Tony Parker's career isn't over!"

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at Jazz, NBA TV, 9pm: You know, even after the trade action, the Celtics are still old. However, on the bright side, they aren't as old and lame as this website. (Seriously, go look at this trainwreck. It's the closest thing I've seen to a Geocities page in awhile. Mind-blowing stuff, people.)

All the Other Games:
Suns at Nyets, 7pm: So the Nyets get Deron Williams to pick apart the Suns defense, and I just read a game preview that referred to the Suns as "surging." Fffffuuuuuuuuu...

Bulls at Wizards Generals, 7pm: Mike Bibby just gave up $6.2 million to not play for Washington. Giving away $6,200,000 to NOT play for a team. I don't even have a joke here. Just crippling depression.

Hawks at Nuggets, 9pm: An OT loss against the Frail Blazers was the first sign of a post-Melo/Billups trade letdown. But I don't know if that will resurface again tonight. I mean, really, the Dirty Birds in their longest road trip of the year? That's not very scary. Friggin' Ghost Ship is scarier than that... Okay, maybe I took that a bit too far. But you get my point.

Clippers at Kings, 10pm: Ah, the eternal battle to see which California club can be more screwed up... Current upper-hand: Clippers.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Donald Sterling, Mike Bibby, Washington Wizards

Memo to the Nuggets: George Karl didn't fight off cancer for this bullshit.
The Dallas Mavericks: Boy, these cats sure miss Dirk Nowtizki, don't they? The Mavericks started the game on fire, hitting eight of their first 10 shots and scoring 30 points in the first quarter. Their offense kinda slogged off after that, especially during their 15-point third quarter. Add that to the fact that they couldn't contain Kevin Durant (28 points on 11-for-22 shooting).

Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "We struggled defensively in the second half, we struggled on the boards, and [the Thunder's] second-chance points were our undoing down the stretch."

That's four losses in Dirk's six missed games. Next up: The Orlando Magic.

More bad news: The Mavs are 35 games into their season but have played only 14 road games. This means their schedule is backloaded with road games, which could put a pretty big damper on any hopes of beating out the Spurs or Lakers in the race for homecourt advantage in the playoffs.

The Denver Nuggets: The Purple Paupers enter last night's game with a league-worst record of 7-25. What's more, they were the only team in the Association that was winless against winning teams.

Well, now they have a victory over a winning team and the Cavaliers (8-27) are stuck with the NBA's worst record. All thanks to the Enver Nuggets.

How soft were the Nuggets on defense last night? Let me put it this way: If I'm ever forced to jump out of a helicoptor while firing my machine gun at an oncoming horde of the undead during the inevitable zombie apocalypse, I hope I land on Enver's D. Either that or Pau Gasol. Okay, or maybe Scarlett Johansson.

Anyway, let's get you the numbers. The Kings finished with 122 points on 56 percent shooting. Furthermore, they shot 50 percente from downtown (9-for-18) and 83 percent on the foul line (25-for-30). According to the Basketball-Reference box score, their Effective Field Goal Percentage was 62.2 and they had an Offensive Rating of 126.8.

More numbers: The Kings had 27 fast break points and scored 27 points off 23 forced turnovers. Tyreke Evans went berzerk (29 points and a season-high 12 assists) and the Sactowners went on a 23-2 run in the second half on their way to a 20-point win that probably had Carmelo Anthony doing a Google search for houses in New York after the game.

Remember: In their last game, the Nuggets suffered a double-digit loss to the Clippers.

Said 'Melo: "We're just frustrated right now. I know I am after these two losses against two teams that we should have beat. Tonight was an embarrassing loss; that's all I have to say about it."

Added Denver coach George Karl: "I'm kind of blown away with our performance. My team, since I've been in Denver, has often bounced back from tough losses. But tonight we did not do it. Sometimes we need to think about playing harder. When you have 12 assists, 23 turnovers, no steals, that tells you you are not active enough."

How bad was this loss? Here's how bad: Jeffrey Morton of Denver Stiffs sounds like he needs to be talked out of drinking paint thinner:

I've never been so disappointed with this Nuggets team. I'm done with the hyperbole and the words. You all saw what happened. There's no reason for losing like this, and the lack of explanation is what hurts the most. The Nuggets looked lifeless for three quarters. For nearly one quarter they played on fire. The only thing I can think of is maybe the Carmelo situation is getting to them? Maybe not. Honestly I don't care anymore.

Melo didn't play badly. Nene was one of the few bright spots...but the rest of the team played like they wanted to be anywhere but Sacramento this evening. That's not what a professional sports team does.

It's not about having "hope". It's knowing what your team is. It's knowing what your team can accomplish. That's what makes this even more disheartening. My only hope is that the Nuggets can right this ship before it takes we as Nuggets fans down with it.

Damn. Imagine how bummed out he's going to be when 'Melo leaves.

At any rate, the Nuggets officially qualifty for a little Michael Ray Richardson quotage:

Reporter: What do you think is happening to the team?

Richardson: The ship be sinking.

Reporter: How far can it sink?

Richardson: Sky's the limit.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: As noted, now the league's worst team.

Donald Sterling: Newsflash: Sterling is a shitty owner and a racist. This news just blew my socks off. Seriously. No matter what MythBusters tells you.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, quote machine: Not that Suns fans need any more reasons to be depressed, but, well, here you go:

Stoudemire's wish was to stay in Phoenix but left over a chasm in guaranteed money. He took a maximum-level, five-year $99.7 million contract that is fully guaranteed over the Suns' five-year, $96.6 million offer with about $56 million guaranteed. The remainder of the Suns' deal would have kicked in if he played a comparably low minute total in his third and fourth years.

The stipulation addressed the Suns' concerns about Stoudemire's knees and right eye, all of which have had surgeries.

"If they were looking to rebuild and thought I was the guy they wanted to rebuild with, then we could've came to an understanding," Stoudemire said. "But apparently it wasn't that way. It felt like I wasn't wanted. It felt like I wasn't appreciated. I felt like my play on the court was overlooked.

"If you have the best training staff and brag about the situation, my knees really weren't much of a concern. It was something that didn't make him (Managing Partner Robert Sarver) comfortable and he made a decision. I don't want to get involved in an amount-of-minutes situation because it becomes a control issue. You want to be able to play free."

Suns coach Alvin Gentry said Stoudemire was concerned that the Suns were going to remain mostly Steve Nash's team. Home fans chanted "M-V-P" for both players.

"I think he felt like he would like to have a team that was his, that he was the focal point, that it would be basically his team," Gentry said.

Nash said he "foolishly" thought the Suns would re-sign Stoudemire, 28.

"We lost an All-Star power forward and we didn't replace him," Nash said. "We have no real kind of power forward."

Stoudemire said it is hard for him to see Suns fans endure their worst team in seven years.

"We were in the conference finals and had a chance to do something special this season but all of a sudden it went in the opposite direction," Stoudemire said. "It's tough to see because the fans deserve more. They've been loyal. We've been on top so long that they deserve a championship team. But decisions were made and they're going in another direction.

"Last year, the Knicks wanted to be in the Suns' shoes. This year, we're, we're...yeah."

He received little fan disdain for his exit, which could bode well for his reception Friday.

"I don't know how I'll be received," he said. "(Suns analyst) Tom Chambers and Gambo and Ash (KTAR-AM hosts John Gambadoro and Mark Asher) did a great job of talking bad about me while I was there so hopefully that blows over and the fans will appreciate me a little bit more."

Bonus video: Basketbawful reader kazam92 left this link with the comment "Charles Barkley is the fuckin man." Indeed he is.


Chris's One-Line Lacktion Ledger: In exactly 120 seconds, Donte Greene tossed one celebratory brick for a +1 suck differential.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Donald Sterling, Worst of the Night

Apparently Jeff Teague has been watching Euroleague basketball
(Video via JE Skeets)
Update! Last minute addition here, but I saw Skeets retweet this and couldn't resist posting: Gilbert Arenas discusses his shoe pooping incident.

Hey Purple Paupers fans, guess what? Another DUI! This time it's sometimes-lacktator Antoine Wright. But hey, can you blame him? He's just trying to live up to the standard of one of the team's owners. (h/t Chris)

Also per Chris, here's a nice article examining the prospects of moving the Kings to my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. I fully support this endeavor, even if it is completely unlikely. However, I will feel bad for Sacramento fans if they do relocate. In Chris's words: "We're getting jobbed very hard by the Maloofs' preference for DUIs over competence."

Speaking of bad owners, here's an amazing piece Bill Simmons tweeted a link to earlier today that was also posted in WOTN by AnacondaHL: Donald Sterling and his "plantation mentality." An excerpt:

In court papers, Baylor said that Jim Brewer, then an assistant with the Clippers, wanted the chance to interview for the head coaching job after Bill Fitch was dismissed following the 1997-98 season.

“I believe he [Sterling] was a little reluctant at first but I said, ‘We owe him that courtesy.’ So we go there and we sit down and Brewer starts talking about his qualifications, that he believed he could do the job of being the head coach,” Baylor said in court papers.

“And when he finished, Donald said something that was very shocking to me. He said, ‘Personally, I would like to have a white Southern coach coaching poor black players. And I was shocked. And he looked at me and said, ‘Do you think that’s a racist statement?’ I said, ‘Absolutely. That’s plantation mentality.”

This should surprise nobody on this blog, but it's still disgusting to see in print.

Well, to cleanse your palette after that, here's something I saw in a tweet from Deadspin's Katie Baker: "DO GLUE GET YOU HIGH" and other questions about drugs from naive middle schoolers and high schoolers being answered by the National Institute of Drug Abuse. This is way more amusing than it probably should be.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Damn you ball! Why don't you go into the basket when I shoot free throws?!"

Things I don't need to see checklist:
1) Vag Carter viewed through a fisheye list...

"Hand arm in the face! That's good defense, right Coach?"

Woah. Tim Duncan is intense.

I do love me some sad bench photos, I cannot lie...
Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Did you know that the Heat have held all seven of their opponents under 100 points this season? Now, that being said, the Jazz may match up surprisingly well here. Deron Williams is a quality point guard, which the Heat don't like seeing, and Al Jefferson's front court presence could be very important.

All The Other Games:
Nuggets at Pacers, 7pm: The Pacers have spent their last two games averaging 82 points on 32% shooting. Danny Granger's explanation? "Tempo has been down for the last couple of games, and that is not the way we play." Kinda get the feeling that tempo doesn't completely explain 34% shooting...

Also, interesting goings-on in Denver...

Cavaliers at Nyets, 7pm: The Cavs get to play the Nyets on the road tonight, and then AGAIN tomorrow at home! If the Nyets continue to put up abysmal offensive numbers like they have the past several games, this could be a great momentum-builder for Cleveland. Or completely demoralizing if they lose. You know, either or.

Clippers at Hornets, 8pm: The Hornets may be surprising us a little with their success, but thankfully the Clippers still are who we thought they were. And to pretty much nobody's surprise, the Hornets are going for their 14th straight victory over the Lesser LA Team.

Knicks at Bucks, 8pm: The Bucks' offense has been so bad that I recommend getting an actual buck to come onto the court and bounce the ball off its head. It's probably got just as good a chance of going in the rim as any Bucks player can offer right now.

Pissed-Ons at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Detroit's on a two game winning streak! They've beaten the Bobcraps and the Warriors. Amazing how that second sentence completely sucked all the life out of any Detroit fans that got all excited after reading the first sentence, eh?

Timberwolves at Lakers, 10:30pm: Cheer up, Minnesota fans. Darko Milicic may be having a spectacularly, stupendously horrible season career, but he is averaging 2.71 blocks per game this year -- third best in the NBA! -- while only playing 20 minutes per game. That's an astounding 6.38 blocks per 48 minutes! So that's something, right?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Darko, Donald Sterling, Gilbert Arenas, head stomping, Sacramento Kings

Nightmare fuel
So, it's Mardi Gras. And yet I'm stuck looking at snow for either the 11th, 12th, or 13th consecutive day (I lost count. Sigh.) Meanwhile, our head writer/editor is in a warm weather climate, drinking until most of his fine motor skills cease to function properly. No, I'm not bitter, why do you ask?

It's the first night of NBA games since the All-Star break. Let's get to it.

Bawful Trade of the Day:
Today's trade is, sadly, a real trade.
Frail Blazers receive: Marcus Camby
Clippers receive: Steve Blake, Travis Outlaw, $1.5mil cash, and Portland will be responsible for $2mil in Camby's incentives

Portland is obviously delighted to get a big man to help fill in the gap created by injuries to Greg Oden and Joel Pryzbilla (and no, Juwan Howard's mummified remains aren't a very reliable stopgap). However, this trade is just an abomination from the Clippers' point of view.

Marcus Camby did not want to be traded, and the Clippers did not inform him in advance that they were going to move him. And even worse, what exactly does LA stand to gain from this trade? A backup point guard, and someone who has been injured this season. Shouldn't a 7-footer who is a reasonable defender and excellent rebounder be a fairly prized commodity? Shouldn't you be able to set his value pretty high just by waiting a little closer to the deadline and negotiating deals between several different teams?

Oh, wait. As noted by Bill Simmons, the $1.5 million in cash "covers 55% of Sterling's racial discrimination settlement." So there you go. Now the trade makes perfect sense!

(And isn't it nice just to see Mike Dumbleavy continuing to bring us bawful entertainment even if he isn't coaching anymore?)

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Dirk and Kaman get ready for the junior prom
(via Steve Nash)

Can somebody tell me why Clutch wasn't in the Celebrity Game playing alongside Chris Tucker?
Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Grizzlies: I don't give a crap about this game. I just want to see what team gets suckered into taking Amar''''e and gives him a max contract he doesn't deserve. The sooner, the better!

All The Other Games:
Heat at 76ers: Bad news: the Heat have dropped six straight in Philly. Good news? Iverson's back, so Philly can now go back to losing games.

Nyets at Bobcats: Come on, 4-49! Come on, 4-49!

Timberwolves at Pistons: I have to quote this preview because it made me laugh: "With a sub-.500 record, the Detroit Pistons find themselves in an atypical position coming out of the All-Star break. There's nothing unusual about the Minnesota Timberwolves having a losing record at All-Star weekend, though."

Knicks at Bulls: Rose is tight and sore after playing in the All-Star game while hurt, and Joakim Noah still is battling plantar fasciitis. New York is still battling a case of being the Knicks, so that kinda balances things out.

Mavericks at Thunder: Will Dallas benefit from the Caron Butler trade (which helped further turn the Bullets into a real-life version of our Null-Star team)? This is our first chance to see if it helps them remember how to play defense.

Jazz at Rockets: Rumors have Knee-Mac getting shipped to New York. I'm sure the Rockets players will be on Cloud 9 and will play their asses off in this game if the trade suddenly goes down this afternoon.

Clippers at Frail Blazers: I like how the Clippers/Blazers trade happened when the Clips were already in Portland. It saved Donald Sterling a few bucks in long distance phone charges, and I'm sure he appreciates that.

Celtics at Kings: It has now been one year since Kevin Garnett jacked up his knee and began Boston's gradual decline. Excuse me while I go drink until I can't feel feelings.

Warriors at Lakers: Ellis an Maggette both are questionable at best for this game. At what point do we have to start pulling random fans out of the stands to fill the bench for the Warriors?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Bawful Trade of the Day, Chris Kaman, Dirk Nowitzki, Donald Sterling, Mike Dunleavy Sr.

And this is the guy who committed the foul...
The Cleveland Craboliers: The Crabs -- who were 40-2 in Cleveland last season -- have already lost two home games in four tries this season, despite a) having the reigning MVP and Coach of the Year, and b) adding a former MVP, four-time NBA champion and self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever. They are, according to The Experts, "the most talented team in the league." And yet...their latest home loss came against the Bulls, a team that hasn't even shot as high as 42 percent as a team in a single game this season. That's not supposed to happen, right?

Cleveland's offense is a mess, even by coach Mike Brown's pooptastically low standards. What's more, Chicago's best defender might have been Shaq, who clogged the paint and effectively cut off several of LeBron's driving opportunities. Shades of Wilt Chamberlain and Elgin Baylor on that late 1960s, early 1970s Los Angeles Lakers team. You know, the one that went on a 33-game winning streak and captured an NBA title only after one of those guys left the team (in this case Baylor, who was nudged gently into retirement).

Last year, the Crabs won 66 games because of LeBron and the fact that their team chemistry was off the charts. This year? They still have King Crab, but that chemistry is nowhere to be seen. Nobody's grinning, laughing, or dancing on the bench. Just watch them sometime They don't look like they're having much fun at all. Which is what losing will do to a team.

Mike Brown: Each game that goes by makes his Coach of the Year award look increasingly ridiculous. At one point, he stuck with a lineup that featured both Shaq and Big Z in the frontcourt. Why not just play two statues on defense, Mike? When Brad Miller -- whose speed should be measured by a calendar instead of a stopwatch -- is coasting to the hoop at will, you know there's a problem. Unless, of course, you're 2008-09 NBA Coach of the Year Mike Brown.

Note also that, in the final 1:02 of the game, with the Crabs trailing 86-85, Mo West got two shots (a shanked three and a missed 10-footer) and LeBron got one (the final missed layup). If you're Cleveland, is Williams the guy you want taking the crunch-time shots? Absolutely not. If you're the Bulls? Absolutely. Speaking of which...

Cleveland's final play: End-of-game fail? Yes. It was kind of amazing, though, if you think about it. LeBron was getting his usual superstar calls throughout the game, including one where he busted open Kirk Hinrich's chin and another in which he got an "And one!" despite taking 17 steps after the whistle. (That play had Mike Fratello practically spitting up on himself.) So, with about three seconds left and a one-point Cleveland deficit, I figured King Crab was going to drive, get the call, and sink two foul shots for the win.

Well, he drove all right. He used his massive shoulder to body-block Luol Deng out of his way, but Joakim Noah cut him off. There was some minor contact, after which LeBron flailed his arms like a couple of wet noodles and lost the ball out of bounds. Only...no whistle. Ooooooh, yeah. And, of course, LeBron wasn't happy: "It's a call you think you may get. I felt a push from Deng and some contact over the top from Noah. Enough to put me on the free throw line? Yes. But that’s a judgment call for the officials."

Countered Noah: "I didn't feel like it was even close to being a foul. I wasn't worried because there was no contact at all." While that's not entirely true in the sense of "truth" being actual, provable facts, it was heartening to see the officials swallow their whistles considering how much of that contact was initiated by James.

More from John Krolik of Cavs: the Blog: "As for the last play, there were 4 seconds left, and [LeBron] went to his highest-percentage play: damn the torpedoes and make a hard, decisive drive. The real issue was that Noah was there waiting for him because we'd parked 320 pounds of a guy who can't shoot or screen directly under the rim, and Hinrich made a nice rotation down to cut off that pass. Shaq shouldn't be out there in those scenarios. Period. And no, there was no foul on that play -- Noah was in perfect position, and LeBron tried to crash into him out of desperation."

David Stern: The NFL takes quick and decisive action when its players have run-ins with the law. And yet Delonte West -- who got arrested for packing enough firepower to take on a zombie apocalypse and win -- is still on the court. Explain that to me, Mr. Commissioner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Is coming off the bench killing Big Z's game? Last night's 0-for-9 performance should pretty much answer that question.

The Cleveland bench: If you take away Boobie Gibson's 8 points and 3-for-4 shooting, the Crabs' reserves (Big Z, West and J.J. Hickson) scored 4 points on 1-for-18 shooting. That's not a typo, by the way: 1-for-18.

Cleveland Junk Grabbers: From Basketbawful reader Adrian: "For your perusal, here's a pair of floor-seat-dwelling white guys taking a rare opportunity at what looks like grabbing King Crab's junk as he dived to keep the ball in play just before half-time in the Crabs-Bulls game." No wonder Cleveland fans are so worried about LeBron bolting out of town next summer...these opportunities would be lost forever...


The San Antonio Spurs: Hey, wait, what's going on? Like the Crabs, the Spurs began this season as one of the league's supposed most-talented teams. Yet, here they are, 2-2 and not looking particularly good. Last night, they looked terrible against a team that's been terrible so far this season.

Not only were the Spurs throwing up bricks (43 percent shooting), their defense was decidedly un-Spurs-like (the Jazz hit 53 percent of their shots despite going 1-for-7 from downtown). Mind you, the Jazz hit 22 layups in the game and scored an incredible 64 points in the paint (compared to 46 for the Spurs). Utah also outscored San Antonio on the break 16-8 and outrebounded them 41-36. Basically, they got outplayed in pretty much every possible category. TOTAL FAIL.

By the way, it was Utah's first win over the Spurs since April of 2008.

Greg Popovich: I love the interviews he gives TNT between quarters. Love 'em. Last night, when asked what his team could do to keep the Jazz out of the paint, Pop deadpanned; "Try harder." I wish I had video of every one of these interviews he's ever given.

All the teams that didn't draft DeJuan Blair: The only San Antonio player to shine last night was Blair, who finished with 14 points (7-for-10), 9 rebounds, and a better plus-minus score (+5) than any Spurs starter. Now how did he fall all the way to the second round again...?

Lacktion report: Chris, our self-styled Master of Lacktion, strikes again:

Spurs-Jazz: With Bruce Bowen out to pasture, Gregg Popovich attempted to find a stopgap good luck charm in Keith Bogans tonight. Despite a non-victorious result, Bogans did his best to bumble his way through the evening, fouling twice and losing the rock once for a +3 suck differential in 10:42.

Jerry Sloan's ongoing efforts to avoid being Coach of the Year via smart strategy paid off tonight, buoyed by the first lacktive appearance of Kyrylo Fesenko this year, a single-brick +1 in 2:42. Kosta Koufos continued his impressive start of sub-importance via the coinage of 1.8 trillion.

Donald Sterling: The Clippers owner is who we thought he was. (Hat tip: Chris.)

The Sacramento Kings: Could things possibly get any worse for this awful team? Abso-friggin-lutely. (Hat tip: Also Chris.)

Marcus Jordan: He insisted on wearing daddy's Air Jordan shoes in a game despite his school's contract with Adidas. And now Adidas has announced it will not renew its contract with the school. Way to be all "team first" there, Marcus.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Donald Sterling, Lebron James, Mike Brown, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Shaq, Utah Jazz