Oh, so the Association wants to offer these fools 99% ($74 million) of a $75 million development cost to build a new arena in Sacramento that was agreed to months ago?  Where the River City did EVERYTHING asked of them and then some?



Nope.

Not good enough.

Spare me the platitudes, George, Gavin, and the other bankrupt family members who have had to sell their party casino, beer distributorship, and anything of value as they continue to chase their hope of being Anaheim's attache.

So what are fans in the Sacramento Valley supposed to do now?  Throw their money at this family and hope they have a change of heart (yeah right)?  (Well, they did have a change of heart...to what they really wanted to do in the first place.)

Hope that 29 other owners will be able to prevent them from leaving in this blatant ploy to shore up their own finances at the cost of the Paupers' longest-running home city?

Accept the 2002 Western Conference Finals as a legitimate sporting result?

What else can really be said at this point, the fans did their part, Mayor Kevin Johnson did his part, the NBA was willing to reduce the Maloofs' obligations to negligable...and here we are.

This chapter in the saga is the textbook definition of bawful, ladies and gentlemen.

Labels: beer, conspiracy theories, failure, fan loyalty, historical fail, hypocrites, infamy, Maloof brothers, megalomania, owned, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, why don't I have a rich uncle

I think we're gonna see a lot of sad Spurs benches this season...
The Excremento Kings: The Purple Paupers -- the youngest team in the league in case nobody told you -- managed to hang around because the Bulls couldn't hang onto the ball (18 turnovers for 23 points going the other way) or defend without fouling (the Kings got 34 free throw attempts).

Unfortunately, the Sactowners couldn't knock down their freebies (20-for-34) or protect the painted rectangle. The Bulls scored 33 fast break points and finished with 54 points in the paint. According to Hoopdata, Chicago was 19-for-24 at the rim (79.2 percent) and 8-for-14 from 3-9 feet (57.2 percent).

Can you say "layup drill"?

Said Kings coach Paul Westfail: "We defended them pretty well, but we can't defend breakaway layups. We have guys crashing the boards, where we have no business doing, and we had guys not rotating back and trying to get steals in the backcourt. The Bulls can run, everybody knew that. If you want to win games, don't give them layups. Make them run their offense."

Bonus bawful stat: The Paupers bricked 12 of their first 13 shot attempts.

Carlos Boozer: On a night when the Bulls had a red carpet escort directly to the hoop, Boozington attempted exactly two shots at the rim. Remember: He's an "inside" player. Meanwhile, he was 1-for-5 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-5 from 16-23 feet. I'm just sayin'.

Jimmer Fredette: Oh my God...this kid is a straight up gunner. He somehow finished with a team-high 3 assists, but I think those were times he lost the ball by mistake. At one point, he drove straight into four Bulls defenders...AND HE SHOT THE BALL. I feel sorry for any woman who dates him, 'cause this man only has eyes for the rim. Even Antoine Walker is kind of embarrassed for him.

The San Antonio Spurs: The old guys were gassed last night, which was their third game in a four-day span, and it showed: 37 percent from the field, 2-for-17 from downtown, and a deficit as large as 25 points. Timmy D went 1-for-8 before getting the second half off. Richard Jefferson was 2-for-10. None of the starters logged a single fourth quarter minute.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We were not playing well and I decided not to play them, and I was able to work other guys and get some other looks."

Added Manu Ginobili: "We were below where we want to be. In a season like this, we will have to wait and see if this might happen more often. You have to let it go and think about the next game."

If the Spurs weren't already finished, this lockout-shortened season will do it.

I mean, you wanna talk about not having any legs? They were 24-for-35 at the rim, but they were 4-for-17 from 3-9 feet, 2-for-12 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-12 from 16-23 feet. And 2-for-17 from three, as I already pointed out.

Tim Duncan: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Spurs were outscored by 28 points with Tim Duncan on the floor on Thursday night. His -28 is the third-worst plus-minus he's had in any regular-season game in his career, surpassed by a pair of -29 games against the Lakers (in the 2003-04 and 2010-11 seasons)."

The New Jersey Nyets: I loved this blurb from the AP recap: "In an effort to get off to better starts, the Nets adjusted their starting lineup by inserting Sundiata Gaines and Mehmet Okur in place of Anthony Morrow and Johan Petro. It didn't help." Nor did th fact that Brook Lopez was out with a broken foot.

Dwight Howard had his way (16 points, 7-for-9, 24 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) and the Nyets couldn't have found the rim with a GPS and an army of blood hounds specifically trained to locate the basket. New Jersey shot 37 percent from the field and 6-for-17 from downtown. They gave up 25 points off 15 turnovers and got outscored 42-26 in the paint. And the Magic ran away with the game despite bricking 12 free throws and shooting only 44 percent themselves.

Deron Williams: Remember a while back when Deron said he was the best point guard in the league? Next thing you know, he was running Jerry Sloan out of Utah, getting traded to the Nyets, and now he's tossing up garbage for field goal attempts. On Tuesday, Williams went 3-for-11 against the Hawks, and last night he shot 2-for-12 against the Magic. He's shooting 28 percent from the field and averaging only 5.7 assists. His PER is 10.50.

Well, he wanted out of Sloan's rigid offensive system. And that's what he got. Congrats, D-Will.

Said Williams: "It is definitely frustrating. I am not playing well right now and the team is not playing too well right now. It is not time to panic. We are going to have a little bit of struggles just because everybody is learning."

Uh, shouldn't you have learned to shoot by now, Deron?

The Dallas Mavericks: All Cuban's Cowboys had to do to avoid falling to 0-3 on the season was play 1.4 seconds of defense. And...


...fail.

The Nuggest and Blazers: Pretty decent game. Both teams made some mistakes. Portland shot well (52 percent) and dominated the boards (50-30), but they gaveup 29 points off 25 turnovers to keep Denver in the game. Meanwhile, the Nuggets racked up 28 fast break points and scored 54 points in the paint while committing only 7 turnovers, but they shot like crap (40 percent) and didn't have many of their three-point prayers answered (4-for-20).

In a battle of good shooting and shitty shooting, the good shooting usually wins.

The New York Bricks: When an "all offense, no defense" team has no offense...bad things happen.

Except for 'Melo (27 points, 8-for-14, 9-for-10 from the line), the other New York players lost control of the section of their brains that control shooting basketballs. As a team, Brick City hit only 31 percent of their field goals, finishing with only 6 fast break points and got outscored 44-26 in the paint.

New York was 0-for-7 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-4 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-16 from 16-23 feet, and 6-for-22 on threes.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "The Lakers are good, and we're awful. We didn't play well. We can't make shots. We started off really well. I thought the pace was good, the rhythm was good, and then it just went downhill from there."

Added 'Melo: "This game is about acting, and right now we're reacting. We just need to get out there and play ball."

Uh, no, you need to get out there and play defense.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I enjoy going against Melo, because I always win."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Kobe be lying. Kobe ain't hurt. I know him."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Magic: Justin Harper conjured a decent exact (90 seconds) 1.5 trillion payday - his second gathering of riches this season!

Bulls-Purple Paupers: Donte Greene (despite a 100% shooting percentage on one attempt) at 25 seconds and Isaiah Thomas (disregarding an assist) in 24 seconds were the Mario Brothers of the night, while Travis Outlaw bricked once from the Crocker Museum for a +1 suck differential in 8:36!

Nuggets-Blazers: Timofey Mozgov panned an board in 10:46, only to foul thricely and lose the rock once for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Corey Brewer had 32 seconds to hunt for gold coins in a Mario.

Knicks-Lakers: Jerome Jordan aired out a payday of 1.65 trillion (100 seconds) for the Dolan family, while Luke Walton nearly equalled his dad's endorsement money with his second capital gain so far, 2.1 trillion (128 seconds). Fellow Laker Andrew Goudelock fouled once in 100 seconds for a +1.

Labels: Deron Williams, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Paul Westphal fires up the Invisible Lawnmower. Finally, an explanation for Suckramento's ineptitude -- his players must be tripping over invisible grass
Anyone else just absolutely getting his/her ass kicked by a post-Christmas lull? I can't even blame alcohol since I didn't drink (though that may change tonight when I go to my bowling league). I'm just burned out and feel empty inside. It's kind of like being the 12th man on the Purple Paupers' bench.

Via 30fps, behold this epic moment of soccer man love:

Soccerawful Footbawful?

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Two great moments in awkward man love history

Nationally Televised Games:
Lakers at Spurs, NBA TV, 8:30pm: Someone wanna go check the Lakers' alarm clocks? They never woke up for the Christmas game, and as far as I know, they might still be in a tryptophan coma.

All The Other Games:
Magic at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Cavs are putting up unreal numbers. They've managed to shoot 41.0% from the field in December. Brick factories everywhere are envious.

Celtics at Pacers, 7pm: Can we just get Rajon Rondo out on the floor with a pair of crutches or something? It'd be a step up from Nate Robinson.

Knicks at Heat, 7:30pm: Yes, the Heat's schedule self-corrected a little recently and they got to play some softer competition, but even considering that their defensive effort the last few weeks has been impressive. They've only allowed 86.7 points per game over the last 15 games. Damn.

Bucks at Bulls, 8pm: I'm convinced that this year's Bucks team is offended by offense.

Craptors at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Dirk's out for this game and listed as day-to-day with a minor knee sprain. Nooooooooooo! (insert dramatic music sting)

Frail Blazers at Nuggets, 9pm: Good to see Carmelo's planning on being back on the court tonight.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Cleveland Cavaliers, man love, Sacramento Kings

The realization that his team is godawful was very sudden, and very disturbing for poor Monta Ellis
Here's a must-see from Kelly Dwyer on Ball Don't Lie: how Rajon Rondo and Brandon Jennings are rehabilitating. See? Professional athletes aren't so different from the rest of us! They also sit! They just do it, you know, to play a racing arcade game in their damn house, or watch three TVs at once.

Also, solid piece from the Washington Post on Gilbert Arenas and his tired act.

And quickly, I did receive a quick response from Marc Stein about the Frail Blazers nickname thing I mentioned last night: "Will write that somewhere when opening arises". So there you go. I have no idea if we coined the nickname or not (it's so obvious that I doubt it), but it's certainly been around for awhile.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I made Gilbert cry! Mission accomplished."

So delightfully awkward

Someone go tell Rambis he isn't at an Atlanta Braves game

Huh. I figured it would take more than one game for Vince Carter to drive Steve Nash to madness

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Magic, NBA TV, 7pm: Dallas has won its last four games in Orlando, the Magic are in a slump, and they now have Hedo and Gilbert Arenas. I do not feel particularly optimistic about Orlando's chances tonight...

All The Other Games:
Thunder at Bobcraps, 7pm: The Thunder don't want to lose two consecutive games, and they get to face an offense that's nearly as terrible as Milwaukee's. Not to mention the Bobcraps aren't feeling terribly good about themselves. Per Stephen Jackson: "We're just terrible on all cylinders." Well, there's your problem, Captain Jack. You're a basketball team, not a car! Silly Bobcraps...

76ers at Bulls, 8pm: It's official: ESPN.com has referred to the Sixers as "surging." That is, of course, code for "sucking less than usual."

Nyets at Grizzlies, 8pm: The poor Nyets are about to play 10 of 13 on the road. I'm sure this will go well. Don't waste your time watching this game. You'll get a better sports viewing fix by watching the Lorchcast:

I think I've posted this here before, but the Lorchcast is worth another viewing
Warriors at Kings, 10pm: The Purple Paupers -- winners of five (5!) games this season -- are favored 66% to 34% in this game according to AccuScore computer simulations. Ladies and gentlemen, the Golden State Warriors!

Bucks at Lakers, 10:30pm: The Lakers like to beat up on bad teams. The Bucks are missing Brandon Jennings, Carlos Delfino, and Corey Maggette. I fully expect this game to look something like this:

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Golden State Warriors, Milwaukee Bucks, Sacramento Kings

Hey Kuester, shouldn't you be coaching instead of eating an invisible sandwich during timeouts?
Suckramento assistant coach Mario Elie has been arrested for carrying on the tradition of getting arrested for drunken driving. George Maloof Jr, Antoine Wright, Andres Nocioni, and Eric Musselman must be proud. (h/t Chris)

Via Deadspin, here is a video of Antoine Walker airballing a free throw in his NBA D-League debut last night.


Good ol' Antoine. It's like he never left our lives...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
"You're weirdin' me out, Durant"

Speaking of awkward...

Keith Smart must have watched his Warriors play

Blake Griffin may be awesome, but this picture still summarizes the Clippers organization

Holy crap, this is almost as bad as yesterday's Yao/Knee-Mac man hug

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at 76ers, TNT, 8pm: The Sixers have won five in a row at home, but that's a bit of fool's gold. The closest thing to real competition they've seen in that stretch is a low-scoring grind against the Frail Blazers. They're like a poor man's version of the Knicks, and that is just truly sad because the Knicks are already the poor man's version of a mediocre to decent basketball team.

Also, three words (or one big hyphenated word): Shaq-A-Claus.

Magic at Frail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Stat of the day: Vinsanity put up an amazing 2-for-21 shooting performance against the Blazers last season. I dread the day Vinsanity retires -- this blog will be deprived of so much content.

All The Other Games:
Nyets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: You know, the Nyets aren't as soul-crushingly horrible as last year. They are still, however, at least soul-bruisingly horrible.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, New Jersey Nets, Sacramento Kings

Dear God, the Thunder now have giant Smurfs as fans! (And isn't "giant Smurf" an oxymoron?)(h/t JE Skeets for the screencap)
Erik Spoelstra may still have a job, but according to this fantastic satire piece, he may not for much longer: "Pat Riley adopts a baby for Erik Spoelstra to go spend time with."

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Joel Anthony does what he does best

Yes, the Bucks lost. Why do you ask?

D-Will is taking this new TSA pat down very seriously and lending a helping hand to insure that Chris Douglas-Roberts will not be blowing up any planes on his long flight
(caption via Basketbawful reader RRR)

AK47's hair takes the next step toward growing into its own entity and splitting off to form a new basketball player that looks like Captain Caveman

Ball.

Hey Dirk, Jordan could make this look cool. You can't. Just FYI.

Wow, that's a hard, um, foul?
All The Games:
Celtics at Cavaliers, 7pm: Shaq ruminating on the early-season loss to the Cavaliers: "We took them a little bit too lightly." On the other hand, nobody can ever take Shaq lightly according to the laws of physics.

Pistons at Magic, 7pm: Detroit is not good at many things. Playing on the road. Playing against teams with winning records. Shooting. Rebounding. So, yeah, get ready for a night filled with Dwight Howard pulling down boards left and right.

Frail Blazers at 76ers, 7pm: Portland hasn't faced four straight losses in over two years, but considering their shooting right now, it's a possibility even if they are just playing against the Seventy Suxorz. With 39.9% shooting as a team over the past four games, Portland couldn't shoot their way out of a wet paper bag. Though I'm not really sure if you would shoot a basketball to get yourself freed from a wet paper bag. Wouldn't you just tear it? And where in the world would you find a paper bag big enough to trap the entire team?

Nyets at Knicks, 7:30pm: The Knicks are at .500 for the season (mostly thanks to beating up on losing teams during a recent favorable scheduling stretch), but only 2-5 at Madison Square Garden. Maybe the team should all hop on a bus and drive around aimlessly for a couple hours before gametime to trick the players into thinking it's a road game?

Lakers at Grizzlies, 8pm: Stat of the day: Derek Fisher is 3-for-21 from the field in his last three games.

Pacers at Kings, 10pm: The DeMarcus Cousins/Paul Westphal rift is just the latest example of the fact that the Purple Paupers are a barely watchable trainwreck. They're the basketball equivalent of Creepies
I wonder if the big spider can play power forward or center when DeMarcus Cousins gets benched?
Spurs at Warriors, 10:30pm: San Antonio has not lost on the road yet this season. Golden State is... Golden State. Guess who I am picking for this game?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Sacramento Kings

Apparently Jeff Teague has been watching Euroleague basketball
(Video via JE Skeets)
Update! Last minute addition here, but I saw Skeets retweet this and couldn't resist posting: Gilbert Arenas discusses his shoe pooping incident.

Hey Purple Paupers fans, guess what? Another DUI! This time it's sometimes-lacktator Antoine Wright. But hey, can you blame him? He's just trying to live up to the standard of one of the team's owners. (h/t Chris)

Also per Chris, here's a nice article examining the prospects of moving the Kings to my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. I fully support this endeavor, even if it is completely unlikely. However, I will feel bad for Sacramento fans if they do relocate. In Chris's words: "We're getting jobbed very hard by the Maloofs' preference for DUIs over competence."

Speaking of bad owners, here's an amazing piece Bill Simmons tweeted a link to earlier today that was also posted in WOTN by AnacondaHL: Donald Sterling and his "plantation mentality." An excerpt:

In court papers, Baylor said that Jim Brewer, then an assistant with the Clippers, wanted the chance to interview for the head coaching job after Bill Fitch was dismissed following the 1997-98 season.

“I believe he [Sterling] was a little reluctant at first but I said, ‘We owe him that courtesy.’ So we go there and we sit down and Brewer starts talking about his qualifications, that he believed he could do the job of being the head coach,” Baylor said in court papers.

“And when he finished, Donald said something that was very shocking to me. He said, ‘Personally, I would like to have a white Southern coach coaching poor black players. And I was shocked. And he looked at me and said, ‘Do you think that’s a racist statement?’ I said, ‘Absolutely. That’s plantation mentality.”

This should surprise nobody on this blog, but it's still disgusting to see in print.

Well, to cleanse your palette after that, here's something I saw in a tweet from Deadspin's Katie Baker: "DO GLUE GET YOU HIGH" and other questions about drugs from naive middle schoolers and high schoolers being answered by the National Institute of Drug Abuse. This is way more amusing than it probably should be.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Damn you ball! Why don't you go into the basket when I shoot free throws?!"

Things I don't need to see checklist:
1) Vag Carter viewed through a fisheye list...

"Hand arm in the face! That's good defense, right Coach?"

Woah. Tim Duncan is intense.

I do love me some sad bench photos, I cannot lie...
Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Did you know that the Heat have held all seven of their opponents under 100 points this season? Now, that being said, the Jazz may match up surprisingly well here. Deron Williams is a quality point guard, which the Heat don't like seeing, and Al Jefferson's front court presence could be very important.

All The Other Games:
Nuggets at Pacers, 7pm: The Pacers have spent their last two games averaging 82 points on 32% shooting. Danny Granger's explanation? "Tempo has been down for the last couple of games, and that is not the way we play." Kinda get the feeling that tempo doesn't completely explain 34% shooting...

Also, interesting goings-on in Denver...

Cavaliers at Nyets, 7pm: The Cavs get to play the Nyets on the road tonight, and then AGAIN tomorrow at home! If the Nyets continue to put up abysmal offensive numbers like they have the past several games, this could be a great momentum-builder for Cleveland. Or completely demoralizing if they lose. You know, either or.

Clippers at Hornets, 8pm: The Hornets may be surprising us a little with their success, but thankfully the Clippers still are who we thought they were. And to pretty much nobody's surprise, the Hornets are going for their 14th straight victory over the Lesser LA Team.

Knicks at Bucks, 8pm: The Bucks' offense has been so bad that I recommend getting an actual buck to come onto the court and bounce the ball off its head. It's probably got just as good a chance of going in the rim as any Bucks player can offer right now.

Pissed-Ons at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Detroit's on a two game winning streak! They've beaten the Bobcraps and the Warriors. Amazing how that second sentence completely sucked all the life out of any Detroit fans that got all excited after reading the first sentence, eh?

Timberwolves at Lakers, 10:30pm: Cheer up, Minnesota fans. Darko Milicic may be having a spectacularly, stupendously horrible season career, but he is averaging 2.71 blocks per game this year -- third best in the NBA! -- while only playing 20 minutes per game. That's an astounding 6.38 blocks per 48 minutes! So that's something, right?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Darko, Donald Sterling, Gilbert Arenas, head stomping, Sacramento Kings

Everybody wants a piece of that Lin.Or that kickin' new uni.

Hey readers. AnacondaHL here, standing in to bring you the Pacific division preview. Let's get this started.

The Golden State Warriors

Crap.

The Los Angeles Clippers

Crappy Crap.

The Los Angeles Lakers

Crappier than people will expect.

The Phoenix Suns

Less crappy than people will expect, but nevertheless, crap.

The Sacramento Kings

Crap up in this bitch.



...


...ugh, fine, I'll do this properly.

Let's try this a different way. The NBA preseason has come to a close, and without going into a discussion about how well preseason success correlates to regular season records, (oblig link 1, oblig link 2), let's take a look at how the Pacific did:



Good Lordy. To help me get through this, aside from the multiple Pacificos, I'll be posting Basketball Prospectus' SHOENE projection for each team next to my projection and their standing in the West. Also, don't ask me for the rest of the projections, go spend your $10 on this fantastic read that's well worth it.

The Golden State Warriors

So, due to alphabetic obligations, we unfortunately start with the team with the most questionable SHOENE outlook. Is there a factor in the equation that accounts for an awesome switch back to throwback uniforms?

Well if anything there's some consideration to the coach. With the loss of The winningest coach in NBA history, you'd think the Warriors would be set to repeat or worse their 26-56 2009-10 record. Of course everyone knows that I'm joking, and that Don Nelson leaving is addition via subtraction, and Keith Smart has a chance to prove himself, beyond wacky games with limited rosters.

Throw in the growth of Stephen Curry as a star, and the acquisition of David Lee, the pickup of hard worker Sweet Lou, the room for Reggie Williams and Andris Biedrins to develop (and to hopefully improve his 16.0% FT%), and Monta Ellis ready to chuck it up, and the Warriors could be a surprise team in the West playoffs. And did I mention their pickup of Jeremy Lin? He's Asian! And American! And went to Harvard! Best PR use of an Asian player on an NBA basketball team since not Yi.

Still, I just don't see this squad nearly doubling their win total. David Lee's sieve defense is notorious in the Big Apple, and yet he fits right into their "get the steal or bust" methods. If anything, they've solidified their worst-in-the-league 112.4 points surrendered per game, and may give Toronto a run for their money at worst defensive rating next season.

I'm still jealous of their uniforms though.

SHOENE says: 49-33 (4)
AHL says: 40-42 (12)


The Los Angeles Clippers

Another year looking strong on paper, another year of disappointment. Don't get hyped up on this team as always, they are fighting to stay out of the bottom of the entire West.

Well let's start with the good news. Blake Griffin is looking monsterous. Hulk-esque, if you will. (Bonus YouTube to hype up the 3 Clippers fans).

*Keanu voice* Whoa.
In addition, Eric Gordon's coming off a solid tournament with Team USA. Kaman is Kaman, good for solid numbers. Ryan Gomes was brought in as their utility man. And Baron Davis looks to continue his obligations to this team, while mentoring Eric Bledsoe in the ways of the beard.

And now the bad news, which we all see coming a mile away. Yes, they are the Clippers. Meaning inevitable suck, notable due to inevitable injury. Poor Blake throws himself around the court with reckless disregard, Eric Gordon already seems banged up with a sprained ankle, Baron Davis is Baron Davis (averaging ~63GP per season the past 8 seasons), and Kaman is Kaman (also ~63 GP/season his past 6). That leaves poor Ryan Gomes to hold down the fort with Rasual Butler, Randy Foye, Craig Smith, and DeAndre Jordan. Yea.

Also, Donald Sterling. Still around. Yea. 'Nuff's been said about that.

SHOENE says: 27-55 (15)
AHL says: 24-58 (15)


The Los Angeles Lakers

Our World Champion 5th ringers seem like the team to beat. They dumped Morrison while keeping their championship core, adding PG Steve Blake, SF Matt Barnes, and C Theo Ratliff. They even held onto Mr. Sasha Maria Sharapova.

So why the crappy outlook?

To put it simply: age. Projected team weighted age sits at 30.8, 3rd oldest in the league. Bynum's question marks. Kobe's finger. Artest's crazy. Everything's going downhill with this team. Going from 65 wins in 2008, to an astonishing 57 wins last season thanks to a truckload of Kobe game winners, to what this season?

Well of course the Suns fan in me can't help to expect the best out of the Lakers, and I'd love to chase them out of the postseason in Golden State over Dallas fashion. Additionally, I can see the Lakers doing something amazing for PJax before finally blowing it up. Finally, Kobe seems hungrier than ever for number 6.

But honestly they're going to have to rely on Pau much more (not necessarily a bad thing), and are really one Gasol injury away from dropping to the bottom seeds, hence BP's low outlook on their season. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if they aren't even 2nd seed come April, even in this pathetic division.

SHOENE says: 46-36 (8)
AHL says: 55-27 (1)


The Phoenix Suns

All we needed was to replace Amar''''''e with a solid rebounder who could block some shots and maybe finish at the basket.

Instead we end up with an Atlanta-esque team of SFs. A team of 7 6th men when we needed 3rd-9th.

How did this go so wrong so fast? Was Steve Kerr actually responsible for good decisions, covering for the crapfest Sarver serves? I mean I knew he was bad, but how do you NOT know how to pull off a sign and trade for an actual asset like David Lee, instead of a trade exception I'm sure you're too stupid to know how to use as well?

Anyways, I still think surprising chemistry prevails in this case, as these guys genuinely seem to like each other. Throw in another age defying season by Nash, and the Phoenix medical staff reviving the corpse of Hedo (not to mention Jason Richardson's $14.4 million contract year), and these guys will likely not end up with records as bad as projected. As much as I'd love to see these guys get 50, it seems the West this year will be logjammed at 49-45 wins.

SHOENE says: 37-45 (12)
AHL says: 44-38 (7)


The Sacramento Kings

Rookie 20-5-5.

The steal of the early draft.

The pride of Israeli basketball.

The Super Landry Brothers.

That, uh, bipolarish center guy whose foundation I've actually donated to.

Guys named Beno, Giddens, Pooh, Head, Whiteside, Jason and Mason, Donté (acute accent required!) and Ime Udoka.

Even guys with boring names like Francisco Garcia, Antoine Wright, and Donald Sloan.

And last but not least, but least in some other sense, a gift from the god to our lacktion specialist and Bay Area enthusiast chris, Darnell Lacktion Jackson.

What's not to love about this team? I mean other than a 9th seed upside, multiple character issue risks, and speeding tickets.

SHOENE says: 43-39 (9)
AHL says: 39-43 (13)


Final Verdict for the 2010-11 Pacific Division: Waiting for a bunch of old guys to get injured, funny combinations of names, a couple of first round playoff exits, and Jeremy Lin.


-AnacondaHL

Labels: Golden State Warriors, Jeremy Lin is the first Taiwanese-American in the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA season preview, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings

Oh, how we will miss you all summer, Timberpoops
Well, it's finally the end of the regular season. Time to say goodbye to the bottom-of-the-league garbage teams that have kept us entertained for these past few months. One of those teams was the Excremento Kings. Allegedly Grant "Peaches" Napear had a bizarre, expletive-filled exchange with Tyreke the Freak this year. In honor of this, the fine folks at Sactown Royalty have put together the following dramatic reenactment:

(Warning: Audio NSFW)

If the random dancing doesn't make you laugh, you have no soul.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
We might not have Mike Dunleavy Sr. in the league anymore, but at least we have Junior!

Skipping the obvious man love jokes here, does this remind anyone else of that one scene in Home Alone? "Ooh, you're missing some teeth..."

Paul Pierce either wants to sell me some autographed shoes, or he's trying to seduce me. Not sure which.

Sonny Weems can't even sell his shoes -- he has to throw them into the crowd for free

"Ball."

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Grant Napear, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Sacramento Kings, Tyreke Evans

I bet 'Melo wishes he could have "blacked out" again last night...
The Boston Celtics: Let us harken back to the words of Paul Pierce, as reported in yesterday's WotN post:

"We want to be the champs. That's the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don't care what our record is. I don't care how we've played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That's been our goal since we brought the team together, and that's not changed." But is it realistic? "Yeah," Pierce said. "Without question."

Those are some mighty big words, and a good way for the Celtics to back them up would have been to shut down the Bulls in Chicago last night, thereby giving them a chance to wrest the third seed in the Eastern Conference away from the Atlanta Hawks.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, Derrick Rose (career-high 39) and Kirk Hinrich (season-high 30) combined for 69 points -- including 27 in the fourth quarter -- to beat Boston 101-93. This drops the Celtics to fourth in the East and means a second-round matchup with the Cleveland Craboliers. Assuming the C's can make it that far. I mean, it's a bad sign that a team specifically built around defense was beaten by two guys.

Boston has lost six of the last nine games.

Said Pierce: "One game left and we've got everyone healthy going into the playoffs, which was the No. 1 goal of the season."

Wait, I thought winning the title was your number one goal, Paul. Sounds like you've revised your expectations. Which is probably appropriate.

Rasheed Wallace: After his latest stink bomb -- a 1-for-7 shooting performance, 0-for-2 on threes -- I'm officially going to start calling chuck-it-up games from overpaid (and overrated) bench players "taking a 'Sheed." It's the same as taking a dump, only you're pooping directly onto your teammates. Note I almost named this a "dirty 'Sheedchez" after, well, you know.

Anyway, the best part of Wallace's dreadful showing was that he scored as many points for the Bulls as he did for the Celtics. Oh, yes. As Basketbawful reader Adrian said: "Holy shit. Sheed just choked on a rebound so hard he put it back in the Bulls' basket. Now I've seen it all. Only two years left with him, Boston!"


Added Basketbawful reader winnetou: "While looking for a short clip of the events Adrian mentioned, I also came across a longer video mentioning that he had actually done this before, in November '08. Unfortunately, the video only really celebrates the cAnswer without showing Sheed's bawful moments, so all that I can link is the ESPN recap."

But wait! There's more! Watch 'Sheed not even try to contest Rose's slam. Why be in the poster, right?


What a bum.

John Paxson: And you probably thought that firing a guy on Christmas eve was the biggest superdick move Paxson could pull. Well, I'm not sorry you were so totally wrong. The latest: After a recent home loss to the Phoenix Suns, Pax grabbed coach Vinny Del Negro by the tie, jabbed him in the chest a couple times and challenged him to a fight. Why, you ask? Because Vinny played Joakim Noah -- who had recently missed 10 games with plantar fasciitis -- two minutes and five seconds longer than the 25-minute limit Bulls management had mandated. Seriously.

Stay classy, John Paxson!

Jerry Reinsdorf has dispatched lawyers to investigate the incident. Paxson, not surprisingly, has not been available for comment. This is what Vinny had to say: "I'm not going to comment. I go about my job every day no matter what happens. I'm a competitor. I've been involved in the game a long time. I love the challenge of it. All the other things that happen pretty much stay internally."

Said Bulls spokesman Tim Hallam "This is an organizational issue, which we will handle internally."

Added Joakim Noah: "I don't want to talk about it. Things happen in an organization. ... I don't think it's fair for us as players to be talking about that stuff. It's nothing. Really, it's nothing."

Uhm, no offense, Jo, but a boss physically abusing -- some would even say "attacking" -- his employee is something. Something pretty bad. Something most people in the real world would probably lose their jobs over. However, it's more likely Paxson will remain with the organization while Vinny gets the boot as soon as the season ends, either tonight or after a first round sweep by the Crabs.

Sounds fair, right?

The Gol_en State Warriors: Now that Nellie is the NBA's winningest coach ever, people have stoppped caring about the Warriors again. Which is how it should be. So, fittingly, I don't care enough to recap Gol_en State's home loss to the Jazz. I'll simply leave you with this: Devean George scored a season-high 21 points for the Warriors. Doesn't that sort of say all you need to know?

The Denver Nuggets: With homecourt advantage in the playoffs on the line, the Nuggets...lost 123-101 to the Suns in Phoenix. And the beating was actually worse than that. So bad, in fact, that Steve Nash and Amar''''''e Stoudemire sat out the entire fourth quarter. The Suns -- who knew the Nuggets had played the night before -- ran out to an 18-2 lead and Denver never really recovered.

And this is the team that's supposed to challenge the Lakers in the playoffs?

The Suns shot almost 54 percent from the field and went 14-for-24 from downtown...including 11-for-17 during the first three quarters.

Said Chauncey Billups: "Man, there's really nobody that's going to beat them when they shoot like that."

I've heard hands in faces can help with that, Chauncey. Speaking of Mr. Big Shot...

Chauncey Billups: Remember when the talk was always about how Billups owned Nash? Well, last night Captain Canada had 18 points and 10 assists in three quarters (despite a tough shooting night), while Mr. Big Shot went 1-for-6 from beyond the arc and didn't register a single assist in 33 minutes of PT.

The Sacramento Kings: The best thing about their 106-100 loss to the Mamba-less Lakers? The Purple Paupers are now one game closer to the end of their season. Hip-hip-HOOOORAY!!!

(Still, letting Shannon Brown -- 24 points on 10-for-19 shooting -- pull a Kobe impersonation on them was pretty embarrassing. Assuming they have any shame left.)

You know who's sad this year's crapfest is coming to it's crappy end? Paul Westphal: "Honestly, I'm sorry it's over. I really like this team. We knew that we had a hill to climb, and the journey is just beginning. We added eight more wins and added some players we can build around, so by any measure, there was improvement. The first thing is that we had to compete this year. We did that, and one of these days, we'll learn how to win."

...

Lacktion report: Only one entry for chris's daily lacktion update:

Celtics-Bulls: Flip Murray bricked twice and fouled once in 4:24 for a CELEBRATORY +3!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, john paxson, Rasheed Wallace, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

I want it so "Aw, it's okay, Vinny." But it isn't. It really isn't.
The Boston Celtics: When Danny Ainge went balls out to acquire Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen back in 2007, the only undercurrent of fear was that the Celtics might have mortgaged their future for instant gratification. Hey, it's the American way, right? But by the time Boston won 66 games and beat the hated Lakers in the 2008 NBA Finals, those fears seemed totally unjustified.

But right now, in April of 2010, those fears have been totally justified.

Danilo Gallinari scored a career-high 31 points, Earl Barron finished with 17 points and a career-best 18 rebounds in his first NBA start in two years after spending most of this season in the freaking D-League, and the once mighty Celtics lost to the Bricks in New York despite shooting 54 percent from the field (compared to 44 percent for the Bricks).

Did I mention that the New Yorkers were without Knee-Mac (sore left knee), Al Harrington (sore left ankle) and Wilson Chandler (sore left groin)?

Not only were the Celtics -- who bobbled away the win by committing 18 turnovers -- outrebounded 44-34, but they looked like the Three Stooges Plus Two on their final play, during which they couldn't even get off a shot before the buzzer. The final score: Brick 104, Celtics 101.

Outplayed and (worse) outworked by the undermanned and one-defeat-away-from-50-losses Bricks. It's a new low in a season full of them for these Celtics.

The Toronto Craptors: The Craptors let the Crabs shoot 56 percent as LeBron James and Mo Williams combined for 25 assists, equaling the total output of everbody on the Toronto roster. Can you tell the Craptors are fighting for the eighth and final playoff spot in the East?

As if the loss wasn't bad enough, Chris Bosh suffered a "maxilla and nasal fracture to the right side of his face" thanks to an atomic elbow from Antawn Jamison. No word yet on Bosh's status for Toronto's remaining games.

FINISH HIM!!!
Despite all the blood and Bosh's near decapitation, 'Tawn was genuinely surpised he almost killed a man: "I didn't think it was that severe. But once he went down, you knew it was. I didn't think I hit him that hard at all. It was just a bad angle and an unfortunate play. Freakish things like that happen." Jamison the rested the elbow on a trainer's table, which promptly blew the fuck up.

Here's some extra funny from an anonymous commenter:

I just heard some amazing commentary from the craptors' home feed:

Announcer 1: Hey, they gave us one green die, makes me feel like Vegas. (rolls a 6)

Announcer 2: Woah! Oh, the Raptors have 6 games remaining. Why don't you roll that again and see how many of those they're going win?

(*I think you see where this is going*)

Announcer 1: (rolls die-pauses) Why don't I try that again?

Proceeds to roll 3 more times before commercial break, never announcing how many games the Craps will win.

Sonny Weems, quote machine: "Every game we've played [the Cavaliers], it's been real close. I don't think they want that in the first round of the playoffs. We're going to come to play."

The Chicago Bulls: After a season full of bad breaks and dumb luck, the Bulls finally had things going their way. Toronto, the team standing between the Bulls and a playoff berth, got beat in Cleveland and Chris Bosh was nearly manslaughtered. And Chicago's opponent, the Miwaukee Bucks, had already lost Andrew Bogut for the season so he could recover from surgery on his broken hand. If you believe in statistical voodoo like PER, Win Shares an common sense, then you know Bogut was Milwaukee's best player.

So, to sum up: All the Bulls had to do to tie the Bosh-less Craptors in the standings was win a critical home game against the Bogut-less Bucks.

I'm sure you see where this is going.

The Bulls squandered a 13-point first-quarter lead by scoring a season-low 9 points in the second period and went on to lose despite holding the Bucks to 79 points on 36 percent shooting. John Salmons haunted his former team by scoring a game-high 26 points and making critcal plays down the stretch. Speaking of critcal plays down the stretch...

Vinny Del Negro: So the Bulls were down by three points with under 10 seconds to go, and this is what they got coming out of a timeout: A Brad Miller turnover after the big man tried to charge the hoop from 20 feet away. Really? That's the best play the Bulls could come up with when there entire season was on the line?!

Even better. After a forced foul on Brandon Jennings, the Bulls were down four with about six seconds left. Chicago's play coming out of a timeout? A midrange jumper by Kirk Hinrich, who was 4-for-16 on the night.

The Philadelphia 76ers: It looked like Philly was going to get a much-needed break during a season of torture. After all, the Pistons shambled into the City of Brotherly Hate on an 11-game losing streak. What's more, Charlie Villanueva has been bitching about his life to the press and via Twitter. Let's face it: Detroit is a crappy team in disarray.

And yet...the Pistons transformed into road warriors, shooting 62 percent for the game and beating the Sixers 124-103 behind a season-high 18 points from Ben Wallace.

Said Philly coach Eddie Jordan: "Too bad there's not a Phillies game or another [Donovan] McNabb trade to keep you guys occupied. It was just a poor performance and no excuse."

Jordan then provided an excuse by blaming shoddy effort by Elton Brand and Sammy Dalembert.

Responded Dalembert: "He's the coach and he's the boss. He's not happy and we're not happy. I'm out there trying hard and hustling. I don't have a problem with the coach."

That's fine, Sam, because he won't be your coach much longer.

John Kuester, quote machine: "Our guys made a conscious effort to play defense." Note: The Sixers shot 52 percent for the game.

The Golden State Warriors: So much for Don Nelson passing Lenny Wilkins for most coaching wins in NBA history. The Warriors, due to illness and injury, were limited to only seven players and lost 112-94 to the Washington Wizards Generals Bullets.

Said Nellie: "Not a very good effort, but when we start running out of bodies ... I wish I could've rested some guys more, but you've got to have five guys on the court at all times. If I could've got away with three, I would've done it."

I bet.

Here's some more Warrior fail, courtesy of ESPN Stats and Information: The Warriors have lost 15 of their last 17 road games. This loss dropped them to 1-18 when scoring fewer than 100 points this season. And, finally, Gol_en State has allowed more than 100 points in 19 straight games.

But wait, there's more! From the AP recap: "Nick Young scored a season-high 29 points, JaVale McGee set career highs with 25 points and 15 rebounds, Shaun Livingston matched a career-high with 21 points on 9-for-11 shooting and Andray Blatche added 21 points, giving the Wizards four 20-point scorers for the first time since December 2007."

People just love playing the Warriors.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Last night's 113-103 home loss to the slumping Rockets was best symbolized by Houston's 33-16 advantage in free throw attempts.

Said Trevor Ariza: "We fought so hard during the early part of the season to get into the playoffs. Now, to know that you have no chance is kind of tough to get motivated. That part caught up with us in the first half. Then, we realized we were playing for pride. We're playing for our team, our franchise, our families, and we started picking it up."

Too bad the same thing can't be said about the Memphis players.

The Excremento Kings: Blah, blah, blah, Paupers lost. Yeah, we know. But with their 95-86 victory in Sacramento, the Spurs have won 16 of their last 21 games and have officially been described as "surging." I couldn't help but notice the "surging" tag has been a kiss of death this season. Every time a team is described that way, bad things start to happen. The watch is on!

Defense: How 'bout that Thunder-Jazz game, huh? Yes, it was exciting. It was also a defenseless stat-padder that ended 140-39. From ESPN Stats and Information: "Deron Williams (42 points, 10 assists, one turnover) set a career-high for points, recorded his first 40-point, 10-assist game of his career and recorded just the 19th 40-point, 10-assist game with one or fewer turnovers since 1986-87. ... Carlos Boozer (28 points, 15 rebounds) picked up his 53rd double-double of the season. ... Kevin Durant (45 points) notched his 11th career 40-point game and became the leading scorer in the NBA through Tuesday."

How were the Gol_en State Warriors not involved in this game?

The Jazz and Thunder combined for 184 field goal attempts and 78 foul shots. But lack of D aside, the worst aspect of this game was quite clearly...

Officiating: Here's C.J. Miles' "block" of Kevin Durant's last-second shot in the Thunder-Jazz game. Apparently, arm is now part of the ball.


Update! Mike Bibby: From Basketbawful reader anne: "Just read the injury list - 'M. Bibby, ATL, PG - Ingrown toenail.' Does anything more need to be added? No, but geez, someone send him some Midol and a box of Tampax. I think I would have told them to put 'flu-like symptoms' instead if he's just wanting to rest before the playoffs." Speaking of the Bibster, he's earned exactly 77 free throws in 76 starts this season. His 1.0 FTA per game average is indeed a career low. I guess he's no fan of contact.

The NCAA Womens Championship Game: To this I say: Gak. Here's what Basketbawful reader DKH had to say: "OK, I didn't watch the women's championship game, but from the box score, that game must have just been full of bawful. Field goal percentages for the two teams: 26.5% and 32.8%. Connecticut enjoyed a 22-to-4 free throw attempt advantage (but only a 9-to-3 free throws made advantage [yes, 40.9% FT%; they must think they're Ben Wallace]). Not to mention Connecticut's 12 point first half, or that Stanford had only scored 2 second-half points when there were 12 minutes to go in the game."

Responded Basketbawful reader gordon gartrelle: "But...the women's game is so pure, so fundamentally sound! They play the way the game was meant to be played!"

Lacktion report: Now for chris's latest lacktivity update:

Hawks-Bobcats: Derrick Brown donned a plumber's hat and overalls in 22 seconds for a celebratory Mario!

Raptors-Crabs: Leon Powe let the ball slip from his claws once in 2:49 for a +1 suck differential, while Daniel Green pinched out a full 1.2 trillion (1:12) worth of greenbacks!

Bucks-Bulls: Hakim Warrick dreamed of a spot in the lacktion ledger, and after 4:21 in which he fouled twice and committed a turnover, he managed a +3!

Thunder-Jazz: Othyus Jeffers bricked once and fouled twice in 1:47 for a +3.

Spurs-Kings: One player on each squad got the chancce to play the Lost Levels: Ian Mahinmi of San Antonio with a 35-second Mario, and Jon Brockman with a 23-second stint of 8-bit video gaming for the purple paupers!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, officiating, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors, Vinny Del Negro, Worst of the Night

If King Crab stays in Cleveland or goes somewhere other than New York,this picture should on the cover of the Bricks' 2010-11 media guide.
The Los Angeles Lakers We Don't Give A Shit Until The Playoffs The Lakers WDGASUTPs apparently thought it was "Effort Optional Night" in Atlanta, as they forced only 5 turnovers and allowed the Hawks to shoot 54 percent from the field. And did I mention Atlanta's bench scored 48 points or that Zaza Pachulia (10 points, 10 rebounds) had his first double-double in over a year? (Strangely enough, Zaza's last double-double was an 11-point, 13-rebound game against...the Lakers.) The result: an ugly 109-92 loss. L.A.'s third in four games.

Said Lakers WDGASUTP coach Phil Jackson: "It's hard to digest."

I guess his team's recent lackadaisical approach has given P-Jax Crohn's disease.

Update! Pau Gasol, hair machine: From the L.A. Times:

Before we get to Pau Gasol, the gift from the NBA gods allowing Kobe to win a championship without Shaq, and a discussion about Gasol's lack of toughness as well as being a crybaby, there's the mop atop his head.

"Do you comb it?"

"No," he says.

"When was the last time you did?"

"I don't remember," he says. "I'm dead serious."

"What do you do?"

"I water it," he says.

"How do you know if it looks good or bad?"

"I look in the mirror and if everything looks pretty decent, I'll get out of the room."

This comes from an article -- provided by Basketbawful reader Sorbo, by the way -- that once again questions Pau Gasol's toughness. To sum up: Pau thinks he's a tough guy, Phil Jackson disagrees, the writer (T.J. Simers) obviously thinks Gasol is a big Spanish Marshmallow. And while I certainly don't disagree with Jackson or Simers, I can't help but notice that every time the Lakers start to struggle, the "Gasol is soft" articles start hitting the press again. That always seems to be L.A.'s big problem.

Home cookin': The Craboliers "earned" a hard-fought 101-98 home win over the Milwaukee Bucks. Know what helped? The 45-9 advantage in free throw attempts.

Said John Salmons: "I don't want to lose my money. I'm not going to speak about that." But isn't not speaking about something just a passive-aggressive way of actually speaking about something?

Speaking of which, Bucks coach Scott Skiles said: "We should have won that game. We gave them that game." Of course, by "we" Scott means "the officials." Seriously, it's right there in the Coach-to-English dictionary.

Cleveland's free throw shooting: The Crabs needed every single one of those 45 free throw attempts to pull this game out...especially considering they bricked 16 of them. Just call them Team Shaqnopsis.

The Los Angeles Clippers: After his team shot 61 percent in a 114-92 win over The Other L.A. Team, Chris Bosh said: "Granted, we didn't play one of the stronger defenses in the league but we'll take everything we can get. It still counts."

True...but it shouldn't. It really, really shouldn't. When oh when will David Stern start making victories over the Clippers count for, like, 0.5 of a win? Maybe 0.3? In related news, Toronto's Sonny Weems went 8-for-8 from the field for 17 points. It was the second-highest scoring game of Sonny's two-season career and the first time he's ever been perfect from the field when attempting more than two shots.

Regarding his team's frightening lack of actually trying to win the game, Chris Kaveman said: "You want to keep playing hard but sometimes you just run out of energy and there's nothing you can do, you're out of gas. You try to fight and fight and fight but at that point, in the fourth quarter, the game was kind of over."

Heck, this game was over months ago if you think about it. But it's probably better if you don't think about it.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers have followed up their hope-lifting two-game winning streak with two straight blowout losses. The latest: a 103-84 road loss to the Bobcats in which Philly gave up 32 points off 25 turnovers. The 'Cats also had a 35-11 edge in FTAs, but I can't figure out whether that was home cookin' or a group case of the notgivingashits by the Sixers. We'll let The 80 Million Dollar Man be the judge.

Said Brand: "I think they were aggressive, trying to get to the line. And they got the calls."

Displaying the kind of astute coaching analysis that will soon be earning him an unemployment check, Philadelphia coach Eddie Jordan said: "We just didn't make plays. We didn't make shots and we turned the ball over."

The Boston Celtics We Haven't Given A Shit All Years: Say what you will about the Lakers WDGASUTPs shifting into cruise control for the stretch run, hasn't it seemed like the Celtics WHGASAYs have been cruising all season? Yes, they're old, and yes, they've been dealing with an assortment of injuries. But Boston hasn't had the same fire they had the previous two seaons. Apollo Creed would say they've lost the eye of the tiger...and apparently replaced it with the eye of the kitten.

Still, the Celtics WHGASAYs put some effort into this one -- I guess they suddenly realized the Hawks were ready to displace them for the third spot in the East -- but they still got punked at home by the Oklahoma City Thunder. What's better, they did it in historic fail fashion: Boston lost despite shooting 59.5 percent from the field. It was their best field goal percentage in a loss since February 18, 1990 against (oh goddamn it!) the Lakers (61.5 percent).

Said Rasheed Wallace: "I've never been, in all of my 15 years, part of a team where you shoot 60 percent and still lose."

There's a first time for everything, I guess.

In the end, the 109-104 defeat came down to free throw attempts. Or, depending on your perspective, the lack thereof. The Unlucky Leprechauns went 13-for-17 from the line, while Oklahoma was 28-for-34. Yep, the Thunder doubled up on FTAs. In Boston. Heck, Kevin Durant (15-for-15) finished with more makes at the line than the entire Celtics WHGASAYs' team. And Kevin Garnett was fuming about it.

Said Garnett: "I thought we were playing Michael [word KG mouthed from the sidelines a lot last season with an "ing" at the end] Jordan tonight the way he was getting the whistle. Durant damn near shot more free throws than our whole team."

Doc Rivers tried to be a wee bit more diplomatic. With an emphasis on the "wee bit" part: "When you shoot 60 percent from the field ... it's a tough one to swallow. A team shoots 34 free throws to our 17 on our home floor. That's a tough one. I thought we were aggressive, too. I thought we were attacking, and we just didn't get to the line."

Credit Paul Pierce for trying to stay out of the officiating discussion: "I don't know, [refereeing is] not my call. I'm just a player out there playing. The referees, they make the call. It is what it is. I can't control that part of the game, I just have to control what I do as a player and as a team. Yeah, we have to do a better job keeping them off the line. They shoot 34 free throws, and that was the emphasis before the game that we can't foul them. They shoot 80 percent as a team from the line, and they did it again tonight. So you can't allow them to get to the line as many times as they did, and shoot 50 percent from the [field]."

Let's face it: The Celtics just aren't better than any of the good teams.

Zaza Pachulia, quote machine: "Boston lost? Woo hoo!" No, really, he said that.

The Detroit Pistons: Dwyane Wade finished with 10 point, 3 rebounds and one lonely assists...but the Heat still beat the Pistons 98-81. In Detroit. It's just been that kind of year for the Pistons, who have now lost nine straight and 16 of their past 18 games.

Still, the year got a little weirder when Charlie Villanueva -- one half of Joe Dumars' $90 million offseason spending spree -- earned his first DNP-CD in two years. What's up with that, Chuck?

Said Charlie V.: "You're talking to the wrong man. I don't know what's going on. No one has said anything to me. All I can do is go out there, play if they put me in the game and cheer on my teammates if they don't."

Soon-to-be-former Detroit coach John Kuester didn't have much of an explanation about Villanueva's benching either: "We made some changes with our rotation and we wanted to give some other guys a look right now. It was my decision. That's the direction that I want to go in right now."

If you say so, coach. But it's not like the Pistons are exactly overmanned at the moment. They were already missing Richard Hamilton (bum ankle) and Chris Wilcox (sore hammy), and then they lost Jason Maxiell to a back strain in the first quarter.

Enter rookie forwards Austin Daye and DaJuan Summers...who combined for a whopping 11 points and 7 boards in 50 lacktion-y minutes.

Said Kuester: "I thought the young kids didn't take advantage of the opportunities they got. The energy has to be there and so does the discipline. That wasn't there tonight."

Uh, John, does the phrase "shit flows downhill" mean anything to you?

The Phoenix Suns: Despite going down to the wire the previous night in Chicago, the Suns were still able to put up 116 points -- their fifth straight game scoring 110+ -- while beating the Nyets in New Jersey. Shock. Surprise. More shock.

Said New Jersey's soon-to-be-looking-for-other-work coach Kiki Vandeweghe: "I thought that we played hard but we lost a little bit of focus for a couple of minutes, and that's just enough for this team."

Blah, blah, blah, Nyets suck. We know this. As for the Suns, they've won nine in a row, went 12-2 in March, are an NBA-best 18-4 since the All-Star break, and have won 24 of their last 29 games going back to January 28. And although they've faced some cream puffs during that stretch, they also have wins over the Mavericks, Nuggets (twice), Grizzlies, Hawks, Thunder, Jazz and Blazers. And their losses -- to the Blazers, Mavs, Spurs, Jazz and Lakers -- were close calls. Phoenix is hot while a lot of other teams are slumping...but they still haven't really gone anywhere in the standings.

Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "And we've gone from fifth to fourth. Well, tied for fourth. I think we've been playing great, it's just usually if you have a run like that, you put yourself in a pretty good situation and you have separation. And the only one we've separated ourselves from is the fact that we're going to make the playoffs."

Jason Richardson and Yi Jianlian: Both of these dudes missed dunks during the third quarter. Of course, Yi couldn't jump over a blade of freshly cut grass, but Richardson is a two-time Slam Dunk Champion. What's his excuse?

Update! Louis Amundson: From Basketbawful reader Junior: "No comments about this? I know, I know, its Louis Amundson trying to dunk, but a block like that by Kris Humphries? Fuckin' Kris Humphries giving a Wilsonburger, that's something you will never see again in your life." Not unless you rewatch this video 27 times like I just did...


Steve Nash, quote machine: "Tonight we just didn't have the legs in the first half. Mentally as well." Mental legs!

By the way, Nash is fucking amazing. He went into the Bulls game with a bad back and a cold...almost didn't even play...but had his 12th 20-point, 10-assist game of the season and almost single-handedly beat the Bulls down the stretch. The next night, he has his 13th 20-point, 10-assist game while leading the Suns in points (24), assists (13) and rebounds (7). As always, I'm just sayin'.

Steve Nash, high five machine: Did you know that Captain Canada also leads the league in high fives (barely edging out second-place Brian Scalabrine and third-place Matt Bonner)? Well, he does. And he was padding stats last night. Said AnacondaHL (from the BAD comments): "Nash with 16 high fives as he goes to the bench, as counted by the YES announcers."

And since I'm man-loving on Nash today, here's a video courtesy of Basketbawful reader winnetou:


The New Orleans Hornets: Forget their recent fluke wins over the Mavs and Lakers WDGASUTPs. The Hornets are bawful. How bawful? Let me put it this way: Were you surprised by Mike Miller's season-high 27 points or the fact that the Washington Wizards Generals Bullets snapped their franchise-worst 16-game losing streak against the Hornets in New Orleans?

No. Of course you weren't. (Okay, maybe a little, but still.)

I guess the Hornets' defensive game plan was to let the Bullets wear themselves out while scoring at will. Well, Washington shot 56 percent and came away with the win, so that strategy kind of backfired, didn't it?

Said Chris Paul: "We just couldn't defend. Couldn't stop them early, late, nothing. They ran their same offense the entire game and we just never found a way to stop them."

Next time, try a hand in the face. I know, I know, it's a total shot in the dark, but give it a go anyway. You never know.

Nick Young, quote machine: "People were saying we were not going to get a win in March, and we got one. We got that monkey off our back and we have to keep going."

Way to prove people wrong, Nick!

Bullets soon-to-be-ex-coach Flip Saunders, quote machine: "We play hard and we play well, we just don't have anything to show for it."

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Flip. Years from now, when people are talking about the franchise's worst-ever seasons, this one should be right at the tippy top. And nobody can ever take that away from you.

The Excremento Kings: The best way to sum up Excremento's loss to the Timberpoops is by transcribing a text message I received from chris last night: "Paupers down 20 to Wolves. Why?"

What's the big? Just because Minny hadn't won a game in over a month and was riding the awesome wave of a 16-game losing streak...

...oh.

And did I mention Darko "the freaking human victory cigar" Milicic had a double-double (15 points, 10 rebounds)? Great googly moogly. It didn't help that Spencer Hawes was out with an injury.

Said soon-to-be-ex-Paupers-coach Paul Westphal: "I think the biggest reason is Milicic, Jefferson and Love really played great. I'm not so sure we would have outrebounded them had we had Spencer. It would have been nice to have him." Oh now you want Hawes in the game. Make up your mind, Paul!

Al Jefferson, quote machine: "I'm happy. Yeah I'm happy. It's good to get this win. It's real good to get the win and to prove to the other teams that we can play the right way." Yeah. Against the Kings.

The Houston Rocketrs: The Money Ballers continued their slide into suck, getting crushed by George Hill (30 points, 7 assists) and blown out 119-102 by the Spurs in San Antonio. The Spurs shot 57 percent. There were hands, and there were faces, but never did they meet. Not once.

Said Houston coach Rick Adelman: "Our defense -- not making excuses; it's a fact of life -- we're not the same team that we were before. We don't have anyone at the basket that challenges anybody and we're playing a lot of young guys. But that doesn't mean we can't get better. Right now we have some guys that put there worth in the offensive end and when things break down they don't fall back on the defense."

But he's not making excuses. No, sir, no excuses.

The New York Knicks: David Lee (20 points, 10 boards) had his 48th double-double of the season. Just imagine how badly the Bricks -- who lost 118-90 to the Frail Blazers -- would have done without him.

Portland was up 50-30 at the half. And it wasn't even that competitive, to tell you the truth.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "We had no energy on both ends of the floor. And when you do that against a good team that is preparing for the playoffs, they're going to be nights like this."

Hey, Mike. You're team is 26-48. There have been a lot of nights like this. And a lot of pictures like this:


The Gol_en State Warriors: The Warriors shot 36 percent from the field and missed 22 of their 26 three-point attempts. But, as always, their biggest problem was on the defensive end, where they gave up 128 points.

Said G-State coach Don Nelson: "Holy fuck, I need a beer. Has anyone got a beer? Or a flask? I'll do a shot if nobody has any beer." Okay, I made that up, but it's not a stretch, is it?

Lacktion report: If you're wondering how chris maintains his sanity in the face of his team's extreme ineptitude, it's by reporting on the many baller who suck worse than the Purple Paupers. To wit:

Lakers-Hawks: Mario West offered up some celebratory lacktion tonight, fouling once in 1:49 for a +1 suck differential!

Sixers-Bobcats: Gerald Henderson baked two bricks in 4:02 for a +2.

Clippers-Raptors: After what seemed to be an intermniable absence, Steve Novak seems to have responded to the season-ending injury of his chief unproductive rival, Dominic McGuire, by adding new batteries to his Game and Watch for 23 seconds of playtime in a Mario! (However, this is not a truly lacktive Mario as he managed a field goal from the CN Tower.)

Heat-Pistons: Yakhouba Diawara missed once in 2:23 and added on a foul for a +2!

Suns-Nyets: Josh Boone chugged down defeat after three absences from the mausoleum-like atmosphere that Hoffland generally provides, fouling once in 4:27 for a +1 that also counted as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Mavs-Grizzlies: Erick Dampier had three boards and a made free throw in 16:07, but fouled four times and lost the rock twice for a 6:4 Voskuhl.

Bullets-Hornets: Yes. THE Fabricio Oberto was starting center tonight for Washington, and he fired off a celebratory field goal and a few boards in 18:38 - but also gave away the ball thricely and fouled five times for a Voskuhl ratio of 8:5! Also blasting the confetti tonight was Earl Boykins, who launched a brick and lost track of one projectile for a +2 in 10:33.

Rockets-Spurs: Keith Bogans is ready for bling, as evidenced by a 7.5 trillion (7:30) payday tonight - one of the largest collections of cash in this season so far!!! (Said Basketbawful reader Janosch K: "Is this the new Bruce Bowen???") Fellow Spur Garrett Temple had a head-scratching +3 in 8:08 via foul, brick, and turnover.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Today's sad bench photo is brought to you by the Philadelphia 76ers.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly's two-game winning streak -- which, one assumes, was close to a season high for them -- came to an end as the Oklahoma City Thunder gave the Sixers a 111-93 pimp slap in the Wachovia Center. The loss dropped the Deep Sixers to 12-25 at home. Historic fail update: This is the first season Philly has lost more than 22 home games since they dropped 30 in 1996-97. For the record, that 22-win team featured Allen Iverson, Derrick Coleman and Jerry Stackhouse.

What would a WotN post be withoutat least one facepalm photo, right?
Said Elton Brand: "We were close for a while, and then the beginning of the fourth quarter, they kind of exploded on us."

Boom, baby. And yes, as Will correctly pointed out, that makes The 80 Million Dollar Man an unintentionally dirty quote machine.

Added Jrue Holiday: "I think we missed some easy shots."

And some difficult shots. And some moderately difficult shots. And some moderately easy shots. And...oh, speaking of missing shots...

Jason Kapono: His one job is to shoot jumpers. That's what he does. It's all he does. Except when he doesn't. Take last night, for instance, when Kapono went 0-for-5 from the field (including 0-for-3 from downtown) in 26 minutes. His final point total: Zero. Which, ironically, is the same as his percentage chance of staying in the league when his contract expires after next season.

Yes, Jason. That's the future you see.So very dark and lonely, isn't it?
The Excremento Kings: The Paupers became the latest victim of the Indiana Pacers Let's Ruin Our Draft Pick So We Can Be Terrible Forevers. After their 102-95 home victory over Excremento, Indy has won eight straight games in Conseco Field House and six of seven overall. Who cares if there were 10 times as many Bulter University shirts than Pacers gear in Conseco last night? Danny Granger (25 of his 33 points in the second half and 30+ PPG over his last seven games) is on fire and the LRODPSWCBTFs are -- get ready for it! -- surging.

All the way to 28-47.

Said Indiana coach Jim O'Brien: "We continue a very nice run at home. It's nice to establish a home-court advantage. The guys are enjoying winning, obviously."

Obviously.

Tyreke Evans returned from a five-game absence due to a concussion just in time for his team's fifth straight loss. The Freak was impressive, finishing with 17 points, 10 assists, 7 boards and 4 steals. Unfortunately, Excremento coach Paul Westphal didn't figure out until the fourth quarter that the LRODPSWCBTFs couldn't guard him. Time to bench Spencer Hawes again!

Said Westphal: Westphal said. "We needed to do a better job of controlling Granger and executing our offense."

That's why he's the coach and y'all are not.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Choose the false statement from the following:

A. The Clippers have lost 12 of their last 13 road games.

B. The Clippers have lost 12 of their last 14 games overall.

C. They are who we thought they were.

D. Nobody gives a shit about Big Foot.

If you follow this site regularly, I really don't need to give you the answer, do I?

The Clippers shot 36 percent from the field and were outscored 17-2 in transition. Baron Davis didn't play because of Ijustwanttheseasontobeover-itis, and Eric Gordon and Travis Outlaw combined to shoot 5-for-23 from the field. Let's face it, when Drew Gooden (20 points, 11 rebounds) is by far your best player on a given night, chances are things didn't go very well that night. And they didn't.

About the only intresting part of this 107-89 ass-whooping was when Andy Bogut (who is a center) and Steve Blake (who is teeny) got pissy with each other during the third quarter. Enter Brandon Jennings, who rushed to Bogut's rescue. No, really. Here's some video, via ClipperBlog:


Here's some extended video, if you'd like to see the fracas in slow motion from several different angles.

Said Jennings: "I'm going to protect my teammate. Don't run up on my big man like that, I had to tell [Blake], chill out and make sure everything was all right."

Aw, leave Steve alone, Brandon. The fact that he cares about anything anymore is a near miracle. He is a Clipper, you know.

Added Bogut: "That's the way he is. He's a guy with a chip on his shoulder, too, and I stick up for him, he sticks up for me and I think we have a team that's pretty good with that. Once the playoffs come and there's little skirmishes and scuffles, it's not one guy on the court, it's five guys and we need to understand that's what we need to do in the playoffs to even be competitive in a series."

Yeah. Listen to Bogut...the five-game playoff veteran. That 4-1 first round playoff loss to the Pistons back in 2006 taught him so much.

As for Blake, this is what he had to say about the scuffle: "There's no need to talk about that. That play is over. We'll just leave that on the court."

Wel, good. It sounds like he took Jennings' advice and chilled out.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: The Rockets entered last night's home game against the Bullets with a four-game losing streak. Washington, on the other hand, was 0-for-March. Can you guess how this one turned out? Here's a hint: The losing team set a new franchise record with their 16th consecutive defeat.

Said Washington's soon-to-be-ex-coach Flip Saunders: "We were right there but couldn't get the job done. We've been in games like that all season and that's what's very frustrating."

Memo to Flip from Brandon Jennings: Just chill out.

In related news, the Bullets' last win was on February 28...against the 10-win New Jersey Nyets.

Actually, this was a game of M.A.S.H. unit versus M.A.S.H. unit. The Rockets have been without Yao Ming The Great Wall of Broken China all season and are also missing Shane Battier, Jared Jeffries and David Anderson. Meanwhile, the Bullets have been without Gilbert Arenas Quick Draw McGraw for, like, three seasons and are also minus Josh Howard, Randy Foye and Al Thornton. Jesus Christ. Team practices for these squads must be like the Thunder Dome. Which brings me to a comment left in yesterday's BAD post by Basketbawful reader Will:

Here's Washington's starting lineup: Shawn Livingston, Nick Young, Mike Miller, Fabricio Oberto, and Andray "Mr. Maturity" Blatche. I do believe they are challenging that lineup Chicago trotted out a few weeks ago (featuring the immortal Acie Law) for worst lineup of the year.

Although you cannot see or near my vigorous nodding, that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Andray Blatch (31 points, 10 rebounds), who recently refused to take responsibility for not playing defense and then demanded an apology from his coach, decided it was time to step up and show some post-defeat leadership: "I'm going to take full responsibility for the loss. I made tough decisions down the stretch and I didn't rely on my teammates ... I tried to do things I shouldn't. I thought there was no way we could lose that game. I need to show more trust in my teammates."

Well, I'm glad he's matured.

Derrick Rose: Here's what I wrote yesterday at By The Horns:

Over at Basketbawful, I've spent the last year-plus making fun of New Jersey's Devin Harris for saying "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" back in December of 2008. Since Devin crammed his foot into his mouth with that unfortunate statement, the Nets have gone 34-104 and become one of the worst teams in NBA history.

As stat curses go, that’s up there with the best of them, so you can imagine how I felt when Basketbawful reader godhimself48 drew my attention to Chicago's very own Derrick Rose pulling a Devin Harris.

Said Rose: "We're still going to make it. You can't think about stuff like [not making the playoffs]. In my mind, we'll be making the eighth spot. We'll be playing LeBron [James] — playing Cleveland. The closer we get, the [more] I'm going to think that. We can't walk around acting like we're not going to make it, because that's when things turn on you. Our biggest goal is to make the playoffs, and we're going to make it."

Admittedly, what Rose said isn't as bad as what Harris predicted less than 20 games into his team's 2008-09 season. If anything, it seems like Derrick is using positive visualization. Still…I'd rather he just let his game do the talking and leave the psychic visions to Miss Cleo.

In related news, the Bulls suffered a 111-105 home defeat to the Phoenix Suns that may prove catastrophic to their playoff chances. Coincidence? I think not.

The worst part: Steve Nash owned the game down the stretch. Usually, Chicago coach Vinny Del Negro uses Kirk Hinrich to harass Nash, but Captain Kirk got beamed out of the game for good after spraining his ankle in the second quarter (thanks to Joakim Noah's clown show-sized feet).

Fortunately, D-Rose has the speed, strength and athleticism to check Nash in crunch time. Unfortunately, Derrick can't really play defense, so Del Negro was forced to use Jannero Pargo. Or mabye it was a cardboard cutout of Pargo, because Nash kept gliding into the paint like Jannero was bolted to the floor.

The moral of this story is: Don't make Guaransheeds.

John Hollinger: Want to read classic lines like "On a per possession basis, [LeBron's] triple-crown stats of 29.8 points, 7.2 rebounds and 8.6 assists crush Oscar Robertson's triple-double season in 1961-62 … or Jordan's 32.5-8.0-8.0 season in 1988-89 … or just about any statistical season in history"? Then I have just the article for you!

Can I just say that the "Let's Compare Michael Jordan to Player X" articles that come out each and every season make me want to face-punch something cute and cuddly to death? Why do we have to go through this over and over and over? I get it, John. You developed the Player Efficiency Rating and love to talk about it. It's your raison d'etre. And King Crab -- who's current PER stands at 31.81 -- has a chance to beat out MJ's best-ever single-season PER of 31.89 from the 1987-88 season. Wonderful. Fantastic. Call me when it happens. Better yet, don't.

Look, MJ was the GOAT. LeBron James is the GORN. (Greatest Of Right Now, in case you thought I was talking about the lizard guy who beat up Captain Kirk in that old Star Trek episode). Look, James is awesome and has had a standout career so far. But Jordan...I mean...we're talking six NBA titles, 6 Finals MVP, a Defensive Player of the Year award, nine selections to the NBA All-Defensive First Team, three All-Star Game MVPs, two Slam Dunk Championships, two Gold Medals, etc.

I could go on, but here's the most important part: MJ owned the NBA. He ripped out the hearts of anyone and everyone who challenged him, individually, statistically and in the all-important category of winning. We have not seen that level of greatness from King Crab yet.

Simply put, there are no comparisons to Michael Jordan.

LeBron has one of the best PERs of all time. Good for him. He's currently in his seventh season and might win his first NBA title, which puts him on pace with Jordan, who won his first championship in his seventh season. They also both breath air and eat human food. But what's the point in making all those needless comparisons.

Can we just agree to shelve the MJ-LeBron comparison until LeBron's career is over? Because right now, it honestly doesn't make any sense, no matter how many numbers you throw at it.

Update! Lacktion report: I missed this the first time, but chris once again came through with the lacktion report:

Thunder-Sixers: Kyle Weaver dreamed up a brick from Jeweler's Row and added two fouls for a +3 suck differential in 4:13.

Suns-Bulls: Chris Richard fouled once in 46 seconds after making contact with a Piranha Plant, resulting in a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in a duration that also earned a MARIO!

Clippers-Bucks: The John Salmons Era rolled on tonight with Primoz Brezec being fished from the roster as the human victory cigar of the moment, bricking and fouling once each in 3:34 for a +2 that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bullets-Rockets: Former East Oaklander Cartier Martin explored the ledger for his newest team, firing off a brick from Heritage Plaza and popping out a pair of fouls for a +3 in exactly 6 minutes!!!

Labels: Derrick Rose, Jason Kapono, John Hollinger, Los Angeles Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night