Oh, how we will miss you all summer, Timberpoops
Well, it's finally the end of the regular season. Time to say goodbye to the bottom-of-the-league garbage teams that have kept us entertained for these past few months. One of those teams was the Excremento Kings. Allegedly Grant "Peaches" Napear had a bizarre, expletive-filled exchange with Tyreke the Freak this year. In honor of this, the fine folks at Sactown Royalty have put together the following dramatic reenactment:

(Warning: Audio NSFW)

If the random dancing doesn't make you laugh, you have no soul.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
We might not have Mike Dunleavy Sr. in the league anymore, but at least we have Junior!

Skipping the obvious man love jokes here, does this remind anyone else of that one scene in Home Alone? "Ooh, you're missing some teeth..."

Paul Pierce either wants to sell me some autographed shoes, or he's trying to seduce me. Not sure which.

Sonny Weems can't even sell his shoes -- he has to throw them into the crowd for free

"Ball."

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Grant Napear, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Sacramento Kings, Tyreke Evans

This is what happens when you don't yell "SAME!"
The Philadelphia 76ers: If the Sixers are going to challenge Boston in the East this season, they need to be able to beat the Bobcats on the road. Last night, they did not, falling 93-84 in Charlotte. Mind you, the 'Cats entered the game shooting 43.0 percent as a team (26th in the league) and scoring only 86.7 PPG (last in the league). Yet, against Philly, they shot 55 percent (and 57 from downtown). They also assisted on 21 of their 34 field goals. The biggest problem was that the Deep-Sixers -- who shot 39 percent themselves -- had no answer for the dynamic duo of D.J. Augustin (25 points, 8-for-11, career-high 11 assists) and Raymond Felton (23 points, 8-for-11, 7 rebounds, 5 assists).

Elton Brand, who shot 6-for-13 and fouled out with under a minute left, said: "They outhustled us on a few loose balls and they knocked down timely shots. We expected to be better than that." We all did, Elton. We all did.

Matt Carroll: His two-minute stint was highlighted by...a turnovers. Congrats, Matt. You just earned a +1.

The Orlando Magic's free throw shooting: Admittedly, I didn't watch the Bucks-Magic game, but I will always find a 54-21 advantage in free throw attempts for the home team a little eyebrow-raising. But whatever. Here's the crazy part: The Magic missed 16 foul shots...which they had almost as many misses as the Bucks had attempts. Dwight Howard, of course, had 10 of the gonks (out of 20 attempts). Said Stan Van Gundy: "It's every game, so I do worry about that."

He's right to worry. Howard currently leads the league in FTA (11.6 per game), but he's hitting only 54 percent of them. He's missed 74 free throws (out of 162 attempts) in 14 games. Several teams don't have a single player who has attempted as many 'throws as Dwight has missed. Currently, there are only eight players in the Eastern Conference who have been awarded more than 74 tries: Ben Gordon, Chris Bosh, Devin Harris, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Paul Pierce, Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter. And there are only 21 players in the entire league who have more than 74 attempts. That's not just a Kryptonite rock to the Magic. That's a Kryptonite nuke. It's not a matter of "if" it'll cost them games. It's a matter of "when" and "how many."

J.J. Redick, quote machine: "I'm starting to feel more comfortable. I missed some shots [against Houston]. ... If my shot starts going in, I'm going to go from playing solid to playing great." Oh yes. Oh yes he most certainly did. I really think J.J. needs to check his game log or else explain how shooting 27 percent on the season is "solid." (Thanks to the anonymous tipster for the head's up.)

Mark Blount: Despite the fact that the Heat were getting dismantled by Dr. Yao last night (28 points, 9-for-15, 12 rebounds, 4 assists), Heat coach Erik Spoelstra stuck with Udonis Haslem on defense. Haslem, for the record, is almost a full foot shorter. Meanwhile, Blount -- the only seven-footer on Miami's roster -- didn't even get off the bench. You know you really suck when...

Michael Beasley, quote machine: The Beasemeister -- who's still listed as 6-10 even though we all know he's not -- said: "We did all right, but Yao's Yao. He's 8 feet tall. Ain't much we can do." Things we've learned so far this season: LeBron's LeBron and Yao's Yao. Glad that's all cleared up.

Yao Watch: Okay. I guess we have to officially call off the Yao Watch. After having his shot stuffed 17 times in Houston's first nine games, Yao has only been stuffed once in his last five games. And dude has been on fire since the Watch started: 21.6 PPG (on 64 percent shooting) and a shade under 10 RPG. And the Rockets won all of those games. (They lost the game he missed against Dallas.) So, Houston fans, feel free to thank me for lighting a fire under your big man.

Dwyane Wade: Despite Yao's big game, the Heat could have won if Wade had played like Wade. Pookie scored 23 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. He also missed five of six three-pointers and committed 5 turnovers. Said Ron Artest: "He played really bad tonight. He didn't play like I'm used to seeing him play." True dat.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The scary bears lost for the seventh time in their last eight games and dropped to 4-10 overall thanks to 39 percent shooting. Much of that was attributable to Rudy Gay (6-for-19, 1-for-7 from distance). Way to waste a surprise double-double from Darko Milicic, Rudy. Speaking of which...

Tim Duncan: The Griz started Darko Milicic on Duncan...and it worked. Darko's lumbering defense helped harass TD into 6-for-18 shooting. I guess we can officially label Darko "The Duncan Stopper."

The Utah Jazz: As if all the injuries (Williams, Boozer, Korver, Harpring) weren't bad enough, the Jazz suffered their first home loss since last March on a last-second jumper from Larry Hughes. The worst part: It was a junk shot off a long rebound.


Of the win, Junokasm said: "Derrick Rose had another solid night (10-18, 25 points, 9 assists), but if he ever puts me through a Larry Hughes 20-footer to win again, I may throw up." No kidding. I'm sure plenty of Jazz fans tossed their cookies after that shot.

C.J. Miles: I know he tried to get there. But still...dotted.

Luol Deng: He's back! Bad groin and all. But he could have stayed away. The final line: 2 points, 1-for-5, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 3 turnovers, a steal and 2 fouls. Chicago fans continue to rejoice that John Paxson didn't at least take a shot at that Kobe-for-Loul and friends trade last season. And by "rejoice" I mean "pray that Paxson develops a terrible rash on his genitals."

EnergySolutions Arena: For some reason, the shot clocks on top of the baskets weren't working, so temporary clocks were put on the floor in the second half. How does that happen? As important as those clocks are, you'd think they'd, you know, test them before the games and stuff.

Greg Oden: Basketbawful reader Sassman was quick to provide a statistical comparison between Oden and our boy the Vanilla Godzilla: "Starter Greg Oden: +/- of -22 in 19 min with 4 TOs. Back-up Vanilla Gorilla: +/- of +23 in 28 minutes to go with a double-double, 2 blocks, 2 steals, 5-6 shooting, and only 1 TO." AK Dave went so far as to suggested that Greg is the new Joel Pryzbilla: "Looks like Greg Oden finally took over the starting spot from Joel Pryzbilla. He took over Joel's production as well: 3 points, 6 boards, zero blocks, 4 turnovers and a -22 +/- rating. Whoah. Meanwhile, the Vanilla Godzilla scored 10, pulled down 12 boards, blocked 2 shots, had a +23 rating, and said very mean things about Beno Udrih's mother, causing him to turn the ball over 6 times. I guess Oden hasn't 'arrived' yet." Tough crowd, tough crowd. Look, while I agree that Oden isn't burning up the nets just yet, I'm just happy he's playing. Every time he jumps or pivots without shattering something inside his prematurely aging body, that's a victory.

NBA.com: From Basketbawful reader Alexis: "Here you can see the box score from tonight's Blazers game versus the Kings. I attempted to highlight where NBA.com noted with an X a missed shot, taken out of bounds, with 0.00.1 seconds left on the clock at the end of the second quarter. I'm not sure who can claim ownership of this fail, whether it would be Steve Blake for taking a shot from out of bounds, or NBA.com for noting this as a 'missed shot.' While I can't claim to know what exactly the point of considering this a shot attempt would be, or whether Blake truly was going for a ninety four footer, I do know there is a fail somewhere in this image."


I'm sure this was just a mistake. Unless, of course, Steve was channeling the spirit of Antoine Walker.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Well, let's see: 38 percent shooting, a double-digit home loss, a 2-10 record, and a trade that's being held up by a player physical. Yep. They are who we thought they were.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: You'd think Dunleavy Sr. would be a little skittish after Eddie Jordan got the ax, but he sounded downright pleasant after his team's 10th loss in 12 games. "I thought there were a lot of good things in the game for us. We had some good ball movement and our energy was really strong through stretches of the game." Way to accentuate the positive there, Mike. By the way, Dunleavy is now the third most-tenured head coach in the NBA behind Utah's Jerry Sloan and San Antonio's Gregg Popovich. Notice how one of these things is not like the others...?

Kobe Bryant: He borrowed Sasha Vujacic's favorite pen but didn't return it. And it was a clicky-top. Sasha loved that pen.

The American legal system (again): A 12-year-old boy was arrested for farting in class. I am being deadly serious. According to The Smoking Gun, police were called when the boy became disruptive, shutting off the computers of classmates and "deliberately passing gas" at his school in Florida. I'm sure the people of Florida are pleased as punch that their tax dollars are being used to wage a war against middle school flatulence.

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Greg Oden, Los Angeles Clippers, Mike Dunleavy Jr., NBA.com, Philadelphia 76ers, the American legal system, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Yao Watch

Miami Heat: Last night, the Heat were without Dwyane Wade (left knee), Udonis Haslem (left ankle), Shawn Marion (sore back), Jason Williams (jammed right thumb), Marcus Banks (right hamstring), and Alexander Johnson (right knee). This left the team with the following seven players (and I use that term very loosely): Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Chris Quinn, Daequan Cook, Earl Barron, Bobby Jones, and Joel Anthony.

If you recognized more than half of those names, you're either lying or you're some kind of roster-memorizing savant. Either way, that's one seriously motley crew. I'm not sure that squad would even qualify as an expansion team for the D-League. Stitching a team together out of whatever crap you can find...that's no way to run a franchise. It's like the basketball equivalent of Frankenstein's monster, only at least the monster could complete basic tasks, like menacing villagers and destroying its creator.

I guess I should just cut to the chase and explain why I'm going off on these guy, although judging from the e-mails I received last night and this morning, most of you already know. The Heat scored only 54 points last night. It was the third-lowest point total of the shot-clock era, surpassing only the 53 points scored by Denver against Detroit in November of 2002 and the 49 points Chicago put up against Miami in April of 1999. They accomplished this feat by shooting 25 percent from the field (20-for-78) and 21 percent from beyond the arc (5-for-23). It was a performance so bad, so historically wretched, that Pat Riley was openly pitying his players after the game...this, of course, being one night after the team notched it's 12th win of the season and Riles comparied Williams and Quinn to Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. And frankly, the Heat would probably have played better with West (who's 70 years old) and Goodrich (65), even if those guys were blindfolded and forced to play with oven mitts on.

Awful. Just awful. But, honestly, it's about what you'd expect from a team that's led by Ricky Davis and started three guys who wouldn't even be the 12th man on most NBA teams.

Update!! Toronto Raptors fans: Loyal Basketbawful reader shrugz informed me that the mighty dino fanbase freaked out when their hopes for a little free taco excitement were dashed. "Please mention the pathetic booing/restless attitude of the Raptors fans when they realized they were not getting free pizza. JUST CHEER. GAWD. I'm embarrassed to be known as a Raptors fans with people like this."

Mike Dunleavy Jr.: One day after matching his career-high in scoring and forcing me into the huge concession that he doesn't suck any more, Funleavy shoots 2-for-12 and commits 5 turnovers. Like Mike, if I could be like Mike...

Dwight Howard: What happened to Superman? Did somebody shove a hunk of Kryptonite up his butt or something? Young Thunder grabbed 14 rebounds, but he shot only 1-for-6 and had more turnovers (4) than points (3). Astonishing. Maybe it's like in Superman II, when Superman gave up his powers so he could get it on with Lois Lane. And I guess that would make the Wizards a 12-man General Zod. Which gives me an excuse to say, "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Okay. I'm happy now.

Update!! The Magic and the Wizards: An anonymous reader had this to say, and I couldn't disagree: "Oh man, you need to include the entire Magic team if you're going to call out Howard. Excluding Hedo, who was the only Magic player who didn't roll over and die last night, the team shot (as per Ben Q Rock from Third Quarter Collapse) "15-of-57 (.263) from the field and 7-of-26 (.269) from three-point range." It was appalling. I should know, I was there. However! We still only lost by one point, and that was up until the very last shot. Shouldn't the Wizards at least get a mention? Seeing as they couldn't even beat a team who performed as poorly as the Magic did last night."

Enver Nuggets: Yesterday, I blasted the Nuggets for their shocking lack of defense after they gave up 136 points on 60 percent shooting to the Detroit Pistons. A few readers contradicted me by explaining that Enver is ranked sixth in defensive efficiency (although Hollinger's latest stats have them in the seventh spot). So I said, "Fine, I'll keep a close eye on these guys -- two eyes, even -- and if they prove to be the stalwart defensive bunch that the numbers say they are, I'll openly and freely admit my mistake." We are one day into my added scrutiny, and the evidence looks good...for me: The Nuggets surrendered 115 points to a Sixers team that averages 96.6, while also letting their foe shoot 60 percent from the field for the second straight game (and Philly typically rat-a-tat-tats at a 46 percent rate). Enver did force 21 turnovers and blocked 7 shots, though, so there's that. But neither those numbers nor their sparkling defensive efficiency rank do much to change the scoreboard.

Vince Carter: I've got to hand it to him, dude played great: A season-high 39 points, 17-for-26 from the field, 10 rebounds, 8 assists. He even blocked a shot! Here's the problem. Vinsanity could play at this level, or pretty close, any night. Every night, even. But he doesn't. He avoids contact and shies away from his responsibilities as a franchise player. Always has. I wouldn't be surprised if Carter shot 5-for-21 in New Jersey's next game. So it's actually nights like this that upset me more than when Carter stinks up the joint, because he's not just stealing money from his employers, he's cheating the fans. And that's not cool.

Darrell Armstrong: I know he's old and stuff, but that doesn't excuse a three trillion.

Atlanta Hawks: I believe the Hawks are serious about making the playoffs. But someone needs to tell them that putting a hand in somebody's face -- as long as you don't face-guard them!! -- would help their cause. The Nets typically score about 94 PPG on 43 percent shooting, but Atlanta brought them out of their offensive coma by giving up 125 points on 58 percent shooting, in addition to the previously mentioned season-high 39 points to Vince Carter. This enabled New Jersey to usurp the eighth seed from the Hawks for at least a day.

Memphis versus Minnesota: Why do these games have to happen? Make them stop, David Stern. I'm begging you.

Detroit Pistons: When they were dropping 136 on the Nuggets, the Pistons scored a season-high 73 points in the first half. Last night against the Cavs, they scored 73 points, period. Which is so weird, since Cleveland is ranked five spots below Enver in defensive efficiency. Must be some kind of fluke or something. Anyway, the Pistons shot 39 percent from the field and hit only 5 of 17 three-pointers. As my buddy Craig from The Association said in a text last night, LeBron owns these guys.

Houston Rockets: Sigh. Well, I've got to be fair, right? I praised them for The Streak, and now I have to mock them for their second-straight 20-point loss. Tracy McGrady (6-for-21) led the brick brigade in Houston's 34 percent shooting night. They only hit 10 percent of their threes (2-for-19). They had only 11 assists and committed 18 turnovers. Believe it or not, the game was tied after three quarters, but the Rockets got outscored 31-10 in the fourth. And now Houston is suddenly streaking in the other direction.

Phoenix Suns doubters: You know, a couple weeks ago there were a few hundred articles and blog posts about how, due to the Shaq trade, Phoenix might not even make the playoffs. Suddenly, thanks to a six-game winning streak, they're only a half game behind the Hornets and Lakers for the top spot in the West. Oh, and remember how The Big Slowpoke was going to reduce the Suns fast break to a crawl? Let's take a look at how their offense has performed over the last five games (I'm tossing out the Spurs game because nobody puts up points against them): 132, 123, 127, 111, and 110 points on 59, 55, 60, 55, and 57 percent shooting. Oh, and the Suns have rediscovered the three-ball too: They were 15-for-21 from The Land of Three last night. And they're regularly out-rebounding their opponents now. Now, I'm not saying that Phoenix is going to win the championship this season, only that the reports of their collective death have been greatly exaggerated.

Smush Parker and Mike Dunleavy: I don't know what's worse: Smush's performance (4 points, 2-for-10 shooting) or the fact that Dunleavy played him almost 30 minutes off the bench. Only two Clippers (Al Thornton and Tim Thomas) took more shots than Smush. I know the Clips are bad, but I didn't know they were "Smush Parker is our third option" bad.

Charley Rosen: The NBA Historian's comments about Shane Battier's "illegal face-guarding" of Kobe Bryant last Sunday set off a storm of controversy across the Blogosphere. That storm uncovered the fact that -- regardless of how you feel about it personally -- face-guarding is perfectly legal within the context of current NBA rules. And I'm sure Rosen got a few e-mails to that effect. But instead of admitting that, Rosen included the following note in his article yesterday: "The league's refs routinely called face-guarding fouls until 3-4 years ago. But with the installation of the new no-defense rules, these same fouls began to be ignored — the idea being to prevent hand-to-shooting-arm fouls that would slow up the game. As it is, since the natural instinct is for shooters (as well as civilians) to move their heads away from an attacking hand, the license given to face-guarders impinges on a shooter's elevation and generally flattens the resulting shot."

Now, I hate to call bullshit -- I'm kidding, I actually love doing it -- but I've been following the NBA for 20 years. I have scads of classic games from the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s on both VHS and DVD, and I rewatch them endlessly over the summer when the only sports on TV are baseball, golf, and the WNBA (and yes, I did rank those sports according to how excited each one makes me). And I'm here to tell you: I do not remember seeing a single face-guarding foul called on any player at any time, let alone seeing the call made "routinely," not unless actual contact was made with the shooter. Yet I've seen countless examples of the old "hand in the face" defense over my 20 years of NBA fanaticism. So how is it I missed the many and routine face-guarding calls Charley is referring to? I think we know why.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, Dwight Howard, face-guarding, Houston Rockets, Miami Heat, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Phoenix Suns, Vince Carter

Jeremy Richardson: He played only 10 seconds and, of course, went zero-for-everything. Makes sense, since I can't even unwrap a stick of gum in 10 seconds. Super Mario West -- who actually got onto the floor for a buck and some change -- said: "I feel your pain, bro."

DeShawn Stevenson: Al Horford gave him a little of The Mutumbo Treatment in the fourth quarter of Washington's home loss to the Hawks. Watching him flail around in an attempt to get the foul was kind of funny, and kind of sad. Seemed worth a mention.

New York Knicks: They let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them almost single-handedly. Funleavy matched his career-high of 36 points for the fourth time this season. Two of those four scoring explosions came against the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas: He looks so sad, I almost want to give him a hug. Around the neck. With a chain.

My own stubbornness: Several of my readers have been calling me out on this, and I'm finally ready to concede to the facts: Mike Dunleavy Jr. doesn't totally suck anymore. You can read my formal concession speech in my NBA Closer column on Deadspin. But until further otice, I am going to officially retire the Basketbawful adage that "You can't trust any team that gives up a career night to Mike Dunleavy Jr." His good games just aren't a fluke anymore. I guess it's not too surprising when you think about it. I mean, he's being coached by Jim O'Brien this season, the same Jim O'Brien that made Antoine Walker an All-Star. Twice. I'm guessing he turns water into wine in his spare time.

Wally Sczcerbiak and Ben Wallace: I'm not going to bother mentioning how John Hollinger and several other NBA experts said the trade that brought these fleshbags to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. (Oops! I mentioned it!) Wally's numbers have plummeted across the board. That trend continued last night, as he barely even played (5 minutes, 46 seconds) and had the productivity to show for it (2 points, 1-for-4 from the field). As for Big Ben, well, here's how Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm put it in an email to me: "23 minutes. 2 points. 4 rebounds. 1 block. 3 Fouls. What's amazing about Ben Wallace isn't that he's terrible. It's that he's non-existent. The man is a freaking ghost. It's like he's the ghost from Super Mario Brothers. He disappears if you look at him in any way." One slight correction: The ghosts in SMB didn't disappear when you looked at them, they just froze in place. But that only makes the comparison even more appropriate.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: I know it can't be easy to play with a bulging disc in your back, especially when you're playing against a monster like Dwight Howard. But Big Z couldn't have been eaten alive any more if a group of tribal cannibals had cooked him alive in a big copper pot. He shot 2-for-10 and almost fouled out in 29 minutes. (Okay. The cannibal joke might have been a little too much, since Superman shot only 6-for-14.)

Jameer Nelson: The Basketbawful broken record keeps skipping on this one, but the Orlando Magic's fatal flaw is their flawed backcourt. Last night, Nelson shot 2-for-12 from the field for his 6 points. And yeah, he hit a big three-pointer with two and a half minutes left to help seal the deal, but even that one rimmed out and hit the backboard before the hoop choked it back down. To be fair, though, Meer Meer did have 7 assists.

Charlotte Bobcats: It's not like I develop unrealistic expectations for 24-win teams, but I did sort of figure that the 'Cats were better than an 18-point drubbing by the Memphis Grizzlies. My bad. What's more, Charlotte's best player last night was Derek Anderson (17 points, 7-for-10). Raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still in the league. Okay, raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still alive.

Funtastic extra: More randomness from Hardwood Paroxysm's Matt: "If you're the Charlotte Bobcats, how do you lose to Memphis by 18? How? How is that even possible? Is it like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where Ferris says they have to drive home backwards? Is that what Charlotte did? You know what I want to do? I want to watch that game like Memento. I want to see it backwards. Have it begin with the Bobcats losing by 18, and then watch how they self-destruct a little bit at a time, until finally they're at 0-0. That will leave me much more satisfied."

Update: Basketbawful reader Kevin confirmed that the Super Mario Brothers ghosts -- which are called Boos -- do indeed turn invisible when you look at them. The Super Mario Wiki has an entry for the Boos. You can learn all sorts of interesting Boo facts, such as that they have their own system of government (a monarchy), several sub-species (which include Atomic Boos, Balloon Boos, Big Boos, Boo Buddies, Dark Boos, Fishin' Boos, and many others), and a whole list of "notable" Boos (Boolossus, Bootler, Franky, King Boo, The Creepy Steeple Boo, et al.).

Brian Cardinal: He couldn't even get on the floor in a blowout. What's one level below Human Victory Cigar? Human Paperweight? I mean, even Kwame Brown played. Kwame Brown!

Smush Parker: Welcome back, Smush! Based on your stat line -- zero points on 0-for-4 shooting in 10 minutes of lack-tion -- it's like you never left us!

Los Angeles Clippers: I just get this feeling that they've chosen to tank the rest of the season. I mean, they not only signed Smush Parker, they're playing him too. That's a wee bit suspicious, don't you think?

Chicago Bulls: So much for pulling off the upset. Man, that 33-13 fourth quarter was brutal. And so was Kirk Hinrich's cameo (zero points, 0-for-6, 5 assists).

Chris Duhon: Du-Du gets extra special mention for missing the game -- and not even travelling to New Orleans with the team -- due to the ever-popular flu-like symptoms.

Damon Stoudemire: DNP-CD, baby. If the Spurs actually do manage to defend their title this season, he's going to be playing the role of "Glenn Robinson: Championship Remora."

Robert Horry: He let a potential game-winner fly with a couple seconds left instead of calling timeout (as coach Popovich wanted) in one of those classic "He's a genius if he hits it and an idiot if he misses" situations. And I hate to ruin the ending for you, but he was an idiot.

Toronto Raptors: They need Chris Bosh back. Badly.

T.J. Ford: Dude, chill out. Seriously.


Jason Hart: This kid really came through for me; I was afraid I was going to get through a Worst of the Night post without awarding a trillion. And Jason had a two trillion! Woo hoo!

Rafer Alston versus Sasha Vujacic: This one's a day late but worth reviewing. Near the end of the Lakers/Rockets game on Sunday, Rafer Alston went all NBA Street on Sasha Vujacic, Sasha hacked him for it, and Rafer responded by sticking a finger in Sasha's mug before getting restrained by a referee. It's kind of a shame that Alston had to transform back into Skip 2 My Lou at the tail end of his best game as a pro. It's also kind of a shame that Vujacic is such a douche. (Thanks to everybody who commented or e-mailed me about this one.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Rafer Alson, Sasha Vujacic, Smush Parker, Toronto Raptors, Wally Szczerbiak, Worst of the Night

Bobby Simmons and Charlie Bell: I know that I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: Simmons was Milwaukee's big free agent signing in the summer of 2005 (5 years, $49 million), and Bell was resigned - against his will, no less - by the Bucks last summer (five years, $18 million). I'm no financeologist, but the Bucks aren't getting much of a return on their two huge (and seemingly foolish) investments. Last night, Bell scored 6 points on 2-for-10 shooting and Simmons barely missed a seven trillion by bricking a shot and grabbing a single rebound. Memo to self: Contact Bucks management and ask if they'd like to invest in some rural Indiana swamp land; describe as a nice "fixer upper" opportunity.

Nick Young: The Washington rookie scored a career-high 22 points on, like, nine dunks in a win over the Bucks. But he decided to give the stink-eye to Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut, who -- according to the Associated Press -- "knocked the rookie guard aside like a rag doll." Here's some advice, rook: Guards should not challenge big men. Unless it's Shawn Bradley, and he's not even in the league anymore.

Seattle SuperSonics: I know the Sonics aren't exactly defensive stalwarts -- they're ranked sixth in the league at 105 PPG allowed -- but last night they let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them with 32 points on 10-for-16 shooting. And he had an ankle injury! I have a few simple rules that I live by, and one of them is this: Never trust a team that let's Mike Dunleavy Jr. pull a Willis Reed on them.

Donyell Marshall and Francisco Elson: When you're traded to a really lousy team -- in this case, the 16-win SuperSonics -- and you still can't get any PT, chances are you're about 18 games away from being out of the league. Here's hoping D-Marsh and Geico both both invested in a nice 401K plan.

Jarrett Jack: Somebody must have replaced this kid's shooting eye with a glass marble, or maybe an old radish. JJ hit only one of his eight shots last night. He's 13-for-41 (31 percent) in the month of March.

Antoine Walker: You might have missed this -- I know I did -- but Kevin McHale didn't buy out Walker's contract. That means Employee #8 is still a Timberwolf. And it might shock you to discover this, but he's not happy about it. "Obviously, they're rebuilding, and obviously I'm not in the future plans, so I felt like maybe there was an opportunity for me to leave. They wanted money back that I wasn't willing to give back. It didn't work out that way. We'll just have to play it out, six weeks, and then we'll see what happens in the summer." Walker, who's averaging 8 PPG on 36 percent shooting, is making $8.5 million this season. He said that the team "low-balled" him, offering a buyout he felt was unreasonable and "ridiculous, actually." The only thing that would be ridiculous would be offering Walker anything more than cab fare and a few Rainbow Brite stickers. But here's some good news for 'Toine fans: His official Web site is coming soon! Personally, I can't wait.


Utah Jazz: One of the most dangerous obstacles in the NBA is what's known as The Trap Game, where a good team plays poorly and drops a game to an inferior team on the road. And that's what happened to the Jazz last night against the Bulls. Utah shot 42 percent, got outrebounded, and turned the ball over 17 times (to 18 assists). Said Jazz coach Jerry Sloan: "They beat us with points in the paint (48-34). They drove down the middle. We got out of the way and let them shoot layups. They were the aggressors from the beginning and we never did get to that point. We just tried to outscore them." Not good. The Jazz can't afford many more of these brainfarts. One loss is the equivalent of three or four losses in this crazy Western Conference playoff race.

Jim Boylan: Despite the constant and open rebellion of crappy players like Aaron Gray, Chris Duhon, and Tyrus Thomas, Boylan is, amazingly, still trying to keep his job. Personally, I think he should just resign and try something a little less stressful, like poisonous food taste tester, or wild animal masturbator, which, according to Popular Science, can be accomplished in a variety of ways, from ramming an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shoving an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply doing it the old-fashioned way...manual stimulation. All I'm saying, Jim, is that you should probably keep your options open. Anyway, Boylan obviously took a course in Coaching Platitudes 101, which enabled him to make the following statement after the Bulls inexplicably stunned the Jazz: "When people question our team, I respond that we have guys in the locker room with a lot of character who care about their craft and work at it. The guys were hurt the last couple days. There were a lot of things swirling around our team, and no one likes to see that stuff in the paper. This is a basketball team, not a soap opera." Too bad. At least all the drama would actually make sense on a soap opera.

The "ironmen" on the Phoenix Suns bench: Even though this video is sure to appear on every basketball-related Web site and blog in the universe, my favorite Phoenix Suns fan asked me to post it...and I never say "no" to a Suns fan. (Don't get any funny ideas, starang.) Quick explanation: Shaq goes running toward his team's bench in hot pursuit of a loose ball, and those dudes scrambled out of the way like a bunch of 10-year-old girls. Actually, I take that back, since it's an insult to 10-year-old girls everywhere. Now, here's the video:


Vladimir Radmanovic: The Radman finally cracked the Lakers' starting lineup and immediately proved why he hadn't already been in the Lakers' starting lineup: Zero points (0-for-5) and 1 personal foul in 19 minutes. Don't worry though, Vlad. Coby Karl saved a nice spot on the end of the bench for you.

Ginger Grant: Fans of Gilligan's Island probably already know this, but the "Ginger versus Mary Ann" debate took a stuning turn in the Mary Ann direction yesterday when Dawn Wells, the actress who played the hillbilly hottie, was arrested for reckless driving, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and driving under the influence. Wells' official cover story is that she picked up some hitchhikers and then kicked them out when they started smoking something, although a friend of hers also told her lawyer that he left the drugs in the car when he borrowed it earlier that day. Whatever. There's no shame in being a party girl.

Center for Disease Control and Prevention: Don't you just hate it when a federal health organization has to rain all over the free love parade? The CDC just released a study which found that at least one in every four American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. This means that we can no longer trust our naughty teens to be clean and innocent. Turns out that they're only naughty. And here's another shocker that's based on nothing more than my own personal observations during random Internet searches: Some, if not most of them, aren't even teens!

Labels: Antoine Walker, Chicago Bulls, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz

Kirk Hinrich says: "Matt Damon!"
Washington Wizards defense: After his team held the Dallas Mavericks to 41 percent shooting, Wizards coach Eddie Jordan said, "We are being nastier and grittier defensively." Well, the Wizards' defense certainly was nasty last night, but not in the way Jordan meant it. They "held" the Cavaliers to 121 points on 56 percent shooting while getting ravaged on the boards 53-29. The Washington D was at it's utter worst during the third quarter, when Cleveland shot 70 percent and outscored the Wizards 43-17. The Associated Press article actually says that the Wiz "stood around like department store mannequins on defense." Wow. It's pretty rare for the Associated Press to editorialize that way. But it's also true. At one point, Larry Hughes just strolled in and dunked while not one, not two, not three, but four Wizards just stood there and watched. Speaking of Hughes...

Larry Hughes: On a night when the rest of his team had it going on, Hughes had one of his typical 2-for-8 shooting nights. And, as noted, one of his two field goals was an uncontested dunk. I can tell you one thing: 33 percent shooting is not what the Cavaliers had in mind when they decided to pay him $12 million a year. Good thing Danny Ferry locked him up through 2009-10!!

Washington Wizard offense: I should probably note that the Wizards offense was pretty bad, too. They scored 85 points on 39 percent shooting, giving fans a bitter taste of what it was like to watch the New York Knicks in the mid-90s. The Washington O was so bad that Yahoo lists Darius Songaila as the team's top performer...with 8 points on 3-for-8 shooting.

Gordan Giricek: His line against the Pistons: 4 minutes, 0-for-2 shooting, 1 assist, 2 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -8. I bet Giricek never thought he'd miss Salt Lake City this badly.

Eddie Jones: The empty husk of Eddie Jones shot 1-for-6 against the Bobcats. In its previous two games, it shot 1-for-3 against the Wizards and 1-for-4 against the Sonics. So the thing might be creepy, but it's still good for at least one field goal a game, and that's something. I guess.

Jose Juan Barea: The Mavs back-up to the back-up point guard scored a two trillion. According to Barea's official Web site, "Barea is regarded by many Northeastern followers as the most exciting player ever to wear a Husky uniform." He also enjoys going to the beach and watching television. Now when you speak of me, never let it be said that I don't provide information to enrich your life.

Boston Celtics defense: The Green are ranked first in the league in both points allowed (88.1) and field goal percentage defense (41.9). For this reason, one can only assume that the C's simply chose not to play defense last night, since the Raptors scored 114 points on 58 percent from the field and 71 percent from three-point land. Five traffic cones could have forced more misses than that. Doc Rivers needs to order up some Inflatable Defenders, pronto.

Boston Celtics clutchability: They have Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen. For those of you who enjoy counting, that's three superstars. So why are they having trouble closing out games? They suffered a come-from-ahead loss to the Raptors last night after getting outscored 30-21 in the fourth. In their last loss, to the Wizards, they were outscored 29-20 in the fourth and lost by 5. In their next to last loss, also to the Wizards, they were outscored 25-13 in the final stanza and lost by 7. In their December loss to Detroit, they got outscored 26-20 in the fourth and lost by 2. Mind you, I know they've only lost seven games, and they're still a very strong team. But they've surrendered fourth quarter leads in all but one of those seven losses. Shouldn't a team with that much star power be able to, you know, finish? And why oh why did they go to Eddie House with seconds remaining and the game on the line? Speaking of House...

Eddie House: When they write the book on Eddie House, it will be one sentence long, and that sentence will be: "He's not afraid to shoot, even when he's shooting badly." Like last night, when he was 2-for-9. It's like terrorists have kidnapped his wife and plan to kill her if he doesn't shoot the ball every time he touches it.

Chris Bosh's buttery fingers: If the Raptors hadn't pulled out that win over the Celtics, Bosh and his 7 turnovers would have been a big reason why.

Pat Garrity: Ring up a two trillion for the Magic's 12th man.

Darko Milicic: Just 1 rebound in 23 minutes for a 7-foot, 275-pound starting center? That's very not good. Even for Darko.

Phoenix Suns: At 7-34, the Minnesota Timberwolves are clearly the worst team in the NBA. Yet two of those 7 wins have come at the expense of the best team (record-wise) in the Western Conference. Oh, wait, thanks to this loss, the Suns gave up the conference lead to the New Orleans Hornets. My bad. The Suns shot lights out (56 percent) but got absolutely obliterated on the boards 48-26. And 22 of the Wolves rebounds were on the offensive end. Marco Jaric had more rebounds (8) than anybody on the Suns. Marco Jaric! The thing is, their win over the Lakers last week proved that the Suns can play defense when properly motivated to do so. I just have no idea what motivates them these days. And neither does Mike D'Antoni, apparently.

Amare Stoudemire: As the Suns starting center, it's Stoudemire's job to protect the paint and clean the glass. But not only were his 6 rebounds two fewer than Marco Jaric had, Stoudemire's man, Al Jefferson went off for a career-high 39 points and had 15 boards, 8 of which were offensive. That's right. Jefferson's offensive rebounding count was higher than Stoudemire's rebounding total. It's called "blocking out," Amare. Try it some time.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.: Boy, just when you think it's finally safe to annoint him a legitimate NBA player, he lets loose with a 2-for-12, 4-turnover stinkbomb against a lousy team. The Pacers may need to rethink their reliance on Dunleavy. Oh, wait. Even after a game like that, he's still the team's best player. Uh oh.

Mario West: One game after his 18-second, 1-foul performance against the Trailblazers, he put in a 5-second, 0-for-everything game against the Nuggets. Mind you, two games ago against the Raptors, not-so-Super Mario put in only 14 seconds. At this rate, why is Mike Woodson bothering to play him at all? What could he possibly expect Williams to do in less than 20 seconds on the floor?

Gregg Popovich interviews: He may be a great coach, but he gives a lousy interview. Right before the start of the fourth quarter, the ESPN sideline reporter asked Popovich why Manu Ginobili was able to give the Spurs a third-quarter spark. Without altering his expression in any way or moving even a single facial muscle, Pop said: "Because he's Manu Ginobili." Then he shambled off like a zombie looking for fresh brains.

The Return of Mr. Bryant: Kobe's performance on Monday night against the Nuggets threatened to undo everything I've ever said about him. After that game, I actually referred to him as "Magic Bryant" to my buddy Craig over at The Association. I had to take a long, hard look in the mirror and admit that maybe, just maybe, Kobe had finally matured into greatness. But Gott in Himmel, he has not. And it's not that Mamba shot 12-for-27, or the fact that he took 13 more shots than any other Laker, or that he had only 1 assist in the second half, or even his NBA season-high 9 turnovers. It was his complete reversion to form. After a stellar first half that seemed like a natural extension of the Denver game, Kobe started to force the action against stiff defense and stopped passing to his teammates. Gregg Popovich seemed to manipulate events by leaving Ime Udoka on Bryant for most of the fourth quarter. It's like Pop knew that Bryant's titanic ego would compel him to try to score against Udoka every time. Well, planned or not, the strategy worked to perfection.

Steve Novak: I didn't see the game, but I would love to know why Rick Adelman put Novak in for 3 seconds. Was his mom in the crowd?

Sacramento Kings: The Sacramento revivial got run through the wood chipper last night. The Kings "best players" were all back in the starting lineup last night, and the result was a 26-point drubbing. By the Clippers (13-25).

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Chris Bosh, Darko, Eddie Jones, Gregg Popovich, Kobe Bryant, Larry Hughes, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards