Hello NBA fan or Corporate Partner,

This is Derf Bifflebert, Chief Commandant for the NBA's world renowned, courageous Flop Police. I just wanted to let NBA fans know, that we here at the Flop Police are on top of it. Nothing to see here folks, move along. We're over half way through the NBA season, and Manu Ginobli hasn't flopped once. We know conclusively that Manu Ginobli hasn't flopped this season because we haven't warned or fined him.

Notorious offenders like Patrick Patterson for the Rockets and Donald Sloan of the Cavaliers are being brought to justice, or at the very least being given a mostly meaningless warning. We're knocking down their doors and shedding the light of the law on that nest of vipers. Soon, the plague that is flopping will be cleansed from the league, and our players will be 40% pestilence free. (The highest rate in professional sports!)   

As an officially licensed and bonded member of the NBA family, I'd like to take this moment to say GO HEAT!!!! I'd also like to call to everyone's attention a very important fact. No player on the Heat has flopped this season. Isn't that wonderful? In this day and age, the Heat are a beacon of light showing us the way. Now let us all bask in this wonderful, flop free, footage of these exemplary, brave, bold, and beautiful basketballers.


As you can see, Reggie Evans clearly punched him in the gut before striking his shooting arm several times. Personally, I'm not surprised. Evans has always been an enemy to this flop committee, a blatant undesirable journeyman in our NBA galaxy of stars. That's why he was the first player we fined. He's clearly taking out his vile, impish anger on one of our golden sun gods.  

Long Hail the Emperor Lord Stern whose Grace and Valor will echo endlessly over a million light years and whose AWESOME FURY joins continents and leaves volcanoes trembling in HIS wake...

Sorry about that, I blacked out for a second there... Uhm... Nothing to see here, people. Move along. Move along. Don't worry though, we got this. We're watching. We're watching everything.

Sincerely,

Go Fuck Ya-selves, you'll watch anyway

Labels: Chris Bosh, flopping, Silly Names

On our very first Worst Of The Night this season, commenter Lord Kerrance had this to say about the Boshmallow's personal hubris upon his successful attachment to the "Heatles" -

From the Toronto Star:

"Really, it’s all about being on TV at the end of the day," the five-time all-star said Tuesday. "Seriously. A guy can average 20 and 10, and nobody really cares. If you don’t see it (on U.S. national TV), then it doesn’t really happen."

Glad to know that nationally televised double-single counts. Looking forward to many more.

I replied...

I think we HAVE to do a CB4 Nationally Televised Double-Single Tracker now.

Everyone with me? :D :D

Despite encouragement by The Other Chris, Lord Kerrance worried about a stat curse from our preemptive smackdown of the 7th most important member of the South Beach triumverate...but we needn't have fretted.

It turns out that he indeed was setting the tone for a mist of mediocrity, one which can now be quantified!

---

Listed below are CB's nationally televised games (whether in the US or Canada) and the critical statline for this elite pillow forward - whether he earned double-digits in one category or less, or not.

10/26
Heat-Celtics (TNT)
Not a single double - he did go a mere 3-11 from the field though!

10/29
Magic-Heat (ESPN)
10 boards, 11 points - double-double

11/11
Celtics-Heat (TNT)
15 points - single-double!!!!!!!!!!

11/13
Craptors-Heat (TSN - nationally televised in Canada LOL)
12 points - single-double!

11/17
Suns-Heat (ESPN)
35 points!...and nothing else. Single-double.

11/24
Heat-Magic (ESPN)
21 points - single-double!

12/2
Heat-Cadavers (TNT)
15 points - single-double

12/10
Heat-Warriors (ESPN)
16 points - single-double

12/17
Heat-Knicks (ESPN)
26 points - single-double

12/23
Heat-Suns (TNT)
23 points AND 11 boards - double-double

12/25
Heat-Lakers (ABC)
10 assists, 27 points - double-double

1/13
Heat-Nuggets (TNT)
24 points - single-double

1/15
Heat-Bulls (WGN)
17 points, but 11 (CORRECTED) 18 bricks - negatory double-double

1/30
Heat-Thunder (ABC)
20 points - single-double!

2/3
Heat-Magic (TNT)
13 points - single-double

2/13
Heat-Celtics (ABC)
10 boards, 24 points - double-double

2/16
Heat-Craptors (TSN2 - nationally televised in Canada!)
25 points - single-double

2/24
Heat-Bulls (TNT)
11 18 bricks - single-double!!!!

2/27
Knicks-Heat (ESPN)
12 boards, 20 points - double-double

3/3

Magic-Heat (TNT)
13 points - single-double

Final Conclusion

Like a Bosh, 13 single-doubles and one less-than-single double performance (out of 20 nationally televised games) CAN'T be wrong, can they? And with one of his double-doubles resulting from having 11 bricks, this means that 70% of his nationally televised performances are middling-or-worse.

Maybe there was something to the idea that he played better rollerskating in obscurity on a bad team...just maybe.

Labels: Chris Bosh, Epic Fail, Miami Heat, overrated, pillow forward, single-double

From Elias Sports Bureau: "Chris Bosh made just one of his 18 field-goal attempts (5.6%) in the Heat's 93-89 loss at Chicago. It was the worst percentage by a player taking at least 15 shots since the Warriors' Tim Hardaway went 0-for-17 in an overtime win at Minnesota on December 27, 1991. The last player to shoot that poorly (minimum 15 FGA) while his team lost by five points or less was the Celtics' Frank Ramsey on December 8, 1960. Ramsey went 0-for-15 in Boston's 118-115 neutral-site loss to the Cincinnati Royals in Philadelphia."

Further reading / watching: Chris Bosh takes a dive! [H/T Aaron]


The best parts: 1) the obviously delayed reaction and 2) the Ric Flair-like writhing around on the floor after the non-contact. Even a marshmallow can stand up against no contact. So I can't even call him Boshmallow anymore.

Actually, yes I can.

Even more reading: From Basketball-Reference (via AnacondaHL): Chris Bosh submits one of the historically worst offensive statistical plus/minus (OSPM) performances in NBA history.

Labels: Chris Bosh

Sweet specs. They look like they're straight from the Herbie Hancock Collection:
(Photo via 30fps)
Not much time to talk today, so I'll share a quick couple of links.

Solid tweet from "Bill Simmons: "Note to ESPN.com: can we add a ".500 Line" graphic to our Heat Index that shows users if they're above or below .500?"

Here's a must-watch video of Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter mocking local news broadcasts. Your favorite team won!


Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Rondo treats Chris "Charmin" Bosh like super soft toilet paper(picture via The Basketball Jones, passed along by Wild Yams)

Really? I guess God had money on the Nuggets last night

Stunned

You know, Phil Jackson could save a lot of time and energy by not bothering to draw up a play when it's just "have Kobe jack up a contested three"

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Jazz at Hawks, ESPN, 7pm: Both of these teams seem a bit bipolar. I think it's going to come down to which version of each team shows up at different points in this game, particularly the fourth quarter. You never know when Good Jazz will show up at the same time as Bad Hawks and vice versa.

Frail Blazers at Thunder, ESPN, 9:30pm: By the time this game is done, the Blazers might be running short on players thanks to knee injuries. I keep waiting for random assistant coaches to tear ACLs or dislocate patellas just sitting on the bench.

All The Other Friday Games:
Rockets at Pacers, 7pm: Two things. First, I'd just like to quote the opening of the STATS LLC game preview: "Just days ago, the Houston Rockets discussed the idea of increasing Yao Ming's minutes. That plan has hit a definite snag." Second, if the Pacers shoot over 60% from the field again in this game, I will probably need one of you to drive me to the hospital because my brain will explode trying to comprehend that reality.

Craptors at Magic, 7pm: I can't wait for Bawful to post the Raptors Mascot Fail video again Mondy morning.

Bobcraps at Wizards Generals, 7pm: BawfulFest 2010 continues! This is like the greatest worst week ever, isn't it?

Bricks at Timberwolves, 8pm: This only reaffirms my point. Darko + David Kahn = entertainment!

76ers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Quick math lesson for the day: Mavericks' great defense + Sixers awful awful offense = high comedy. Woo.

Kings at Suns, 9pm: So let me get this straight. The Purple Paupers couldn't stop Beasley and the Timberwolves? What are they supposed to do against the Suns? I'm kinda-sorta intrigued.

Pistons at Clippers, 10:30pm: If you need any help getting to sleep, just put the TV on this game, kick back, and snore. This game will be even uglier than Morehead State women's basketball team coach Tom Hodges' suit. (h/t Jimmy Traina)

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Warriors at Bucks, NBA TV, 8:30pm: The Warriors were sold Friday for $450 million. I know, I don't understand it either.

All The Other Saturday Games:
Magic at Nyets, 7pm: Two words: Beat. Down.

Jazz at Bobcraps, 7pm: At what point does Jordan say "fuck it, I'm suiting up again!" just to keep the Bobcraps from being not only awful, but boring?

Pacers at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: I know it's early, but prepare to have your world rocked: as of Friday morning, the Pacers are only half a game out of the Central division lead.

Craptors at Heat, 7:30pm: I can't wait for Bawful to post the Raptors Mascot Fail video TWICE on Monday morning!

Frail Blazers at Hornets, 8pm: So when do we start hearing crap about the Hornets going for 72 wins? Meanwhile, The Onion delivers again. (h/t Basketbawful reader JJ)

Wizards Generals at Bulls, 8pm: The Generals are on the second night of a back-to-back, but if they play the Bobcraps on that first night, does it really count?

Celtics at Grizzlies, 8pm: This stinks of trap game to me for some reason...

76ers at Spurs, 8:30pm: Hey, did you know that "basketball is a game of mistakes?" That quote is going to haunt Doug Collins for awhile, just like Doug Collins' crappy coaching is going to haunt the Seventy Suxorz for awhile.

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Rockets at Bricks, 7:30pm: The Bricks as a team are 9th overall in rebounding, in spite of having Amar''''e Stoudemire on their roster. I am confused and frightened. Hold me.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Timberwolves at Hawks, 2pm: I feel like we need a camera focused on Darko Milicic at all times just so we can truly appreciate how horrific he is. Would anyone else watch that?

Pistons at Kings, 6pm: One of the worst offenses in the NBA goes head-to-head with one of the worst defenses in the NBA. I can't wait for all the sloppy ball movement and ridiculous bad jumpers that are completely uncontested.

Spurs at Thunder, 7pm: The Thunder are averaging an anemic 15 assists per game as a team. How is it this team can be over .500 and yet be so disappointing?

Suns at Lakers, 9:30pm: Some good news to report: Steve Nash's son Matteo was born this weekend. Congrats.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce, Toronto Raptors

The Chicago Bulls and Toronto Craptors are currently engaged in one of the saddest "final playoff spot" duels I've ever been unfortunate enough to witness. Both teams are below .500. Toronto has dropped five straight games and 14 of 20 overall. Last week, Chicago suffered embarrassing losses to the Andrew Bogut-less Milwaukee Bucks and the 12-win New Jersey Nyets while barely eking out a win over the LeBron James-less Cleveland Cavaliers.

Do either of these teams actually want to make the playoffs?

Maybe last night's Bulls-Craptors game answered that question. The Dinos -- who recently lost Chris Bosh for the season due to a broken face -- fell behind by 10 at the half (58-48), by 19 after three quarters (84-65), and by as many as 25 in the fourth (94-69). Honestly, I'm not sure they were even trying. I've had more passionate battles against belly lint.

Want some examples? I've got some examples. Near the end of the third quarter, Hedo Turkoglu, who has become persona non grata in Toronto, casually bricked two free throws and the crowd reacted like it was "Free Bag of Poo" night at the Air Canada Center. Late in the fourth, Jannero Pargo forced up an air ball that was hauled in by Reggie "The Nut Burglar" Evans. Evans then threw a lazy pass that was easily interecepted by Pargo, who walked it in for an uncontested layup.

Did I mention that Jose Calderon is signed through 2012-13 (when he will make more than $10 million), Turkododo is signed through 2013-14 (when he will make over $12 million) and that Andrea Bargnani is signed through 2014-15 (when he will make around $12 million)?

Oh yeah. Chris Bosh is totally going to resign with the Craptors this summer. Sure thing. And I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Of course, if one lovely and talented woman has her way, these magical, singing words just might sway the RuPaul of Big Men into staying. Okay, they won't, but it's still a better effort than any of his teammates is making.

Labels: Chris Bosh, Strangely hot girls singing surprisingly catchy songs asking Chris Bosh to stay in Toronto, Toronto Raptors

The wussification of the league: Chris Bosh is apparently trying to inspire his team to make a (don't laugh) playoff run (okay go ahead and laugh) by getting all rough and tumble. Said Bosh: "We have to realize nice guys sit at home and watch the playoffs. That's just how I feel. Maybe I'm wrong, but if you play with more intensity you're more likely to win and you're more likely to play better basketball." To further enhance his new tough guy persona, Bosh got all up in the face of...Brian Cardinal. Oooooo.

Explained Bosh: "I don't accept people yelling in my face. I don't do that to other people so I expect the same thing in return. I'm going to turn it up and, if guys do that, I hope they're ready to handle where it's going to go." And where's it going to go, Chris? I mean, really. You're going to, what, throw down with Brian Cardinal for yelling at you? I kinda doubt it.

While Chris was hyping a potential "Bosh versus Cardinal" fight Muhammad Ali-style, Brian was all, like, whatever. "I don't think I poked the bear. It's just two guys trying to get their teams a win, trying to survive. Little old me out there, he's much taller than me (6-foot-10 to Cardinal's 6-foot-8). That's the only way I can survive is be out there scrapping and playing hard. That's all that was. And then he (started) making his shots. God love him, he played well."

T-Wolves coach Kevin McHale, who I'm compelled to mention once clotheslined Kurt Rambis during the NBA Finals and was only called for a regular personal foul, sounded semi-disgusted that Bosh's panties getting a little bunched up was even noteworthy. Said McHale: In our league if two guys aren't kissing it's an altercation. There's no altercations anymore. Go back 30 years and you'll see some altercations."

The Associated Press: Check out what the AP had to say about the Grizzlies-Crabs game: "Playing short-handed is nothing new for the Cleveland Cavaliers. With starting shooting guard Delonte West inactive two days after returning from the right wrist fracture that sidelined him for 16 games, the Cavaliers relied on a team effort to beat the Memphis Grizzlies, 94-79 on Tuesday night." Were they being serious? Did they honestly think that the loss of Delonte West was going to make a difference in this one? The Griz are 15-41 overall have the second-worst road record in the league (3-22). Meanwhile, the Craboliers are 26-1 at home and have this guy named LeBron James. Maybe you've heard of him? I understand they need to find a storyline for every game, but some on. That's a real stretch.

The Detroit Pistons: Their 12-point defeat in Miami was their seventh straight not-win. And in case you're not an amateur NBA historian, this is the first time they've dropped seven in a row since December 28, 2001. And if they don't beat the Hornets in New Orleans tonight, they'll match their longest fail-streak since 1995.

The whole mess has left the Not-Answer talkin' 'bout DEFENSE, man. "Our whole thing is not on the offensive end. We can't stop anybody. The way we're playing we have to shoot 60 percent to win a basketball game. Everybody's always going to look at the offensive end and scoring points. We scored enough points to win the basketball game. But we just can't get stops consistently. We can't get stops when we need them." For the record, A.I. is currently giving up 108 points per 100 possessions. That's three points worse than his career average. I'm just sayin'.

Random note: Did anybody else find it interesting that one game after scoring a career-high 50 points, D-Wade had a career-best 16 assists?

The Orlando Magic: When you're trying to catch the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics in the race for the second seed in the Eastern Conference, you probably shouldn't get thwacked by 18 points against teams hovering outside of the playoff bubble. But that's what happened to the Magic last night against the Bulls. And their rather defenseless loss -- Chicago shot over 56 percent for the game -- is best summed up by the following play:


Raged Magic coach Stan Van Gundy: "Our starting lineup brought nothing to the game. I'm embarrassed and disgusted by what I saw. I don't know if our players are, but they should be. Our guys want to talk about being a contending team. We're still not tough enough and we don't play hard enough" Van Gundy then ate a live kitten, despite its frantic and persistent mewing.

The Dallas Mavericks: Normally, the Mavs getting kicked around by the Spurs in San Antonio wouldn't be that big of a deal. But the "Spurs" were playing without Tim Duncan (sore right knee) and Manu Ginobili (flop practice). Dallas should have won this one, or at least been competitive. But they were not. Tony Parker (37 points, 12 assists) absolutely destroyed Jason Kidd (2 points, 4 assists) -- remember when the Spurs almost traded Parker to get Kidd? -- and Kurt Thomas (10 points, 15 boards) almost outrebounded the Mavs' starting frontcourt (Erick Dampier, Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard) by himself. Dallas shot 34 percent and had only 10 assists (compared to 12 turnovers). Truly bawful. Said Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle: "I can only shudder to think what would happen had (Duncan and Ginobili) played."

Tracy McGrady: The Rockets have won eight straight at home and five straight overall. Both streaks are season-highs. It's...it's like they don't even miss him.

Bobcats-Suns: From Basketbawful reader DKH:

A few revenge games: Diaw: 10 of 12 for 27 points to go with 10 rebounds and 6 assists. Bell: 9 of 14 for 23 points, 3 rebounds, 3 assists. J-Rich: started slow but had 20 points on 10 FGA to go with 3 rebounds and 3 assists. But, he fouled out. Still pretty efficient. Doesn't really quality as a "revenge game", but Dudley had 2 point, 4 boards, an assist, and 2 steals.

WoTN nomination to Emeka Okafor. I'm not sure he ever passed the ball back out (0 assists); he spent the whole game in foul trouble and was pretty much schooled by Shaq.

I also wanted to nominate Terry Porter for a developing "worst of" situation: Goran Dragic has improved rapidly since Gentry took over. He is playing with much more confidence, shoots the ball more, doesn't dribble into as many worthless situations. Gentry is treating him differently than Porter did, and it seems to be helping him develop.

On the other hand, SSOL is to the NBA what the spread offense is to college football. It lets mediocre players put up stellar numbers. However, Dragic is a rookie, and now we'll get to see how he develops.

Additionally, the broadcasters commented early on that Bell and Diaw were happier in Charlotte. Which shouldn't be true, considering Charlotte is 10 games worse than Phoenix. So, I'm not sure what Porter was doing, but the amount of player discontent would be incredibly disturbing to me, and if I were a general manager looking for a head coach, I would steer clear of Porter.

Lacktion report: Take it away, Chris...

Grizzlies-Cavs: With this game pretty much decided at the opening tipoff, Adonal Foyle - who the Warriors chose 8th overall in the 1997 draft - walked on the court for Memphis and delivered a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul-and-nothing-else in 2:59, also good enough for a +1. The crustacean clique has seen a major personnel shift as of late, with Tarence Kinsey having to say goodbye to his life as a lacktator these days, coming out of his shell to be a starter tonight. Confused by his All-Lacktion teammate's transition, Darnell Jackson also provided contributory basketball, forcing King Crab and Mike Brown to crown Trey Johnson as the royal landfill crawler. Johnson skillfully managed garbage time by clenching out a +1 in 1:33 via foul.

Pistons-Heat: In 1:41, Detroit's Amir Johnson merely milled two fouls for a +2. Joel Anthony for Miami continues his consistency in creating lacktivity with a one-foul +1 in 3:22, which also counted for a Madsen-level Voskul of 1:0.

Lakers-Thunder: Clay Bennett believes that greed is good. So he must be relieved that the Tyson Chandler trade didn't go through, as the focal point of the deal - an aging Joe Smith, another mid-90s Warriors first-rounder -- pilfered a freshly shrinkwrapped copy of WiiFit off the shelves tonight with a 14-second Mario! (Interestingly, like Dikembe Mutombo's Mario from a few weeks ago, ESPN disagrees and claims on its box score that this never happened! Bias against elderly lacktators from the Worldwide Leader?!)

Mavs-Spurs: Devean George and Matt Carroll have kept Dallas in the lacktion reports the same way Mark Cuban keeps his big ego in front of the cameras over the years, and this game at AT&T Center was no exception. George probably has a good view of the Alamo by now, due to two bricks coming from downtown; couple that with two fouls and that produces +4 in 10:08. Carroll's statline made him look like a Mini-Me compared to Devean, with half-sized numbers -- 5:12 on the floor, with one foul and one missed shot each for +2. Teammate Erick Dampier downright delivered as well by managing a slight 4:3 Voskuhl in 8:59 (one foul and three turnovers against one rebound and made field goal each), more impressive considering Dampier's role as a starter!

Kobe Bryant: Mamba handed Adam Morrison a huge laundry bag full of dirty jock straps along with instructions to wash them by hand. Adam dutifully complied, but when he tried to return them, Kobe said: "Huh? You can do whatever with 'em. I don't even know who they belong to."

Labels: Associated Press, Brian Cardinal, Chris Bosh, the wussification of the league

If you're going to rip off Sam-I-Am's "big balls" dance,you'd better make damn sure you win the game...
The Philadelphia 76ers: The NBA schedule is, by and large, a cruel and tempestuous mistress (much like Khloe Kardashian), but every once in a while, it provides an unexpected gift. The Sixers got one last night: A home court matchup with the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics for the chance to hop back over the .500 mark. It was a golden opportunity versus a severely weakened conference rival...so of course the Sixers wasted it.

Philly's scrambling defense forced its fair share of turnovers (21 for 30 points), but their hands were apparently too busy swiping at the ball to get in anybody's face (Boston shot just a shade under 54 percent for the game). And the Sixers -- the supposed running team in this contest -- finished with fewer fast break points (12) than the Celtics (15). Ray Allen was 5-for-7 in the fourth quarter, including a three-pointer that tied the game at 97 with 37 seconds left and another that won the game with 0.5 ticks to go...despite suffering from flu-like symptoms!

And on that last play, the Sixers committed one of the classic blunders, the first of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: When you're up by two and your opponent has the final shot, no matter what, DO NOT GIVE UP THE THREE. Even pickup ballers know this. Philadelphia was so concerned about Paul Pierce's penetration that they collapsed into the paint and lost Allen. How could they let Ray freaking Allen, one of the best three-point marksmen in league history, slip behind the arc unattended for a wide-open shot? If they were going to do that, why bother playing defense at all?

Andre Iguodala: Sam Cassell invented was the first NBA player to steal the "I have big balls" dance from Major League II (apparently). That's common knowledge. The fact that other NBA players are copying it -- even Kobe Bryant! -- is just silly. Look, I know it's super cool and everything, but it's Sam's thing. Mr. T has defined awesome for two generations of men, but do you see dudes walking around with two metric tons worth of gold chains wrapped around their necks? No. Because it's a signature T-ism. Well, that and no other human neck could support the crushing weight. But my point is: Don't do it. It's embarrassing and, potentially, a stat curse. Know what happened after Kobe did it? The Lakers lost on an improbable shot in the closing seconds. And after Iggy did it? Same thing.


The moral of this story: Only Sam Cassell gets to do the "I have big balls" dance.

Doc Rivers, inexplicable quote machine: Regarding Kevin Garnett: "He smells things 75 percent of the league can't." We finally know the secret to KG's success...super olfactory senses!

The Toronto Craptors: It's not even that they can't win, it's that they can't even keep their games competitive. After two straight double-digit home losses (to the Bucks and Magic), the Craptors got blown out in the first quarter (37-15) and only got back into the game because the Crabs fell asleep in the third quarter. They woke up in the fourth, though, and won going away, 101-83. Toronto shot 39 percent as a team, 8 percent from downtown (1-for-12), and their starting guards (Jose Calderon and Anthony Parker) combined to hit only 2 of their 16 field goal attempts). I really don't get this team. They have too much talent to be this bad-to-mediocre. Speaking of their talent...

Chris Bosh: He shot 11-for-19 and finished with 29 points, but he grabbed only 3 rebounds -- the same as Calderon and one fewer than Anthony Parker. And he had a fourth-quarter dunk attempt blocked by King Crab himself. Note that Bosh went up one-handed...which caused my inner Hubie Brown to mutter "That's why we tell big men to throw it down with two hands. YOU HAVE TO FORCE THE DEFENDER TO FOUL YOU." Video:


Said Crabs coach Mike Brown: "That caught me off guard. When he came from the weak side and got that block, I was floored. I didn't think there was any way whatsoever that any human being could come from the weak side and contest a shot the way he did. Wow! Wow! Wow!" Really? No human being? I guess Mike never got to watch Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson play ball...

The Iniana Pacers: The "D" continues to elude the Pacers in the alphabet soup of their season. Despite a so-so game from Al Jefferson's (12 points on 13 shots) and another DNP-CD for Rashad "I'm a poet but you didn't know it" McCants, the Timberwolves dropped 116 points on the Pacers' home court, outscoring them 38-29 in the fourth to steal the game. In addition to their typical defenselessness, Indy was mortally wounded by two critical free throw misses by T.J. Ford down the stretch. And he entered the game hitting 89 percent of his foul shots. Said Ford: "I definitely let the team down. I had an opportunity more than once to tie the game or take the lead. I just wasn't able to come through in the clutch for my team. I have to sleep on that one tonight." As a Pacers fan, I kind of hope it feels like sleeping on a bed of broken glass and rusty barbed wire. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

By the way, I'm starting to get the feeling that I was wrong about Kevin Love. That dude's pretty darn good, as it turns out. His game has really blossomed under Kevin McHale, who apparently is worlds better as a coach than a GM.

The Milwaukee Bucks M.A.S.H. Unit: No Michael Redd. No Andrew Bogut. Vince Carter's fifth career triple-double (15 points, 12 assists and 10 rebounds). A huge double-double from rookie Brook Lopez (22 points, 12 boards). Near perfect marksmanship for Ryan Anderson (7-for-10 for his 19 points). Misdirected shooting from the field (36 percent) and the line (10 misses). Just a big fat fail in virtually every direction.

Scott Skiles, backhanded compliment machine: Regarding his team's failure to hold off the double-rookie onslaught of Lopez and Anderson: "Brook Lopez was obviously very hard for us to handle and Ryan Anderson's offense was a lot of the time behind the three-point line. Nothing against Anderson, but I never thought I would say we got manhandled by him." Nobody expects that, Scott. Or a Spanish Inquisition, for that matter.

Lawrence Frank, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "The thing that was hurting us was their penetration at times."

Vince Carter, "I know who he is" machine: Regarding the return of former Nets teammate Richard Jefferson (who scored 27 points): "R.J. was being R.J."

Joakim Noah: [Gratuitous Plug Alert!] You can get full coverage of the Bulls-Rockets game at By The Horns, but I have to tell you: After seeing him get abused by Al Jefferson and Yao Ming on this road trip, I'm officially nicknaming Noah "The Prop." I mean, it's not his fault he's being forced to defend guys he obviously can't handle. He's trying. He really is. But that doesn't change the fact that he's failing.

The Bulls' interior defense / foul shooting: When guys like Anderson Varejao and Zaza Pachulia keep ending up with season highs against a team, well, you know that team has a problem protecting the paint. Such is the case with these Bulls, who gave up 28 points to Yao Ming (who was limited to 30 minutes due to first-half foul trouble) and a career-high-matching 18 rebounds to Luis Scola. Not to mention 3 backbreaking offensive boards to Carl Landry in the fourth quarter. Plus, Yao's numbers don't tell the story about how his mere presence dominated the game. Vinny Del Negro had no answer, except maybe to duck and cover. Also: The Bulls bonked 11 free throws.

Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas: Knee-Mac walked past Deng and then almost gave Thomas a Spaulding tattoo. Sick.


Personally, I blame Deng. Why the hell was he playing Knee-Mac so closely? Give him space, make him shoot it. That's just bad defense, and it got his teammate in the poster.

Gregg Popovich: WHAAAAA...?! Manu Ginobili sat out with a bruised hip, So Pops decided to give Duncan and Parker the night off too? And I'm not talking about "at the hotel getting treatment" or "back in San Antonio chilling out." They were there! On the bench! Watching!


Look, I get it. Popovich likes to keep his horses rested and healthy. They're on an extended road trip and they'd gone to overtime against the Warriors the previous night. But man, what a crazy random happenstance.

The Denver Nuggets: Facing the Spurs B-Team, which MIGHT finish in the middle of the pack in the NBA's Developmental League, the Nuggets promptly sunk to the occasion and nearly lost the game. The "Spurs" pulled to 98-94 with two minutes left (via a Roger Mason triple), but Carmelo hit a free throw and a jump shot to turn back San Antonio's rally.

Not surprisingly, George Karl was pissed. He called his team "selfish" and accused them of playing down to their competition. "We were fortunate. We still have a tendency in messing around with the game. It's kind of come back in the last couple of weeks. We've still won most of the games but we should have attacked this game with a professional attitude and an intensity, and probably should have gotten the game over by the fourth quarter." He also said: "I do realize in the NBA it is a trait of good teams winning playing bad. Going on a road trip after this performance scares the hell out of me." It should.

Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time 0ut to provide our triple-pump of lacktivity.

Raptors-Cavs: Both Nathan Jawai and Jake Voskuhl sat for the Craptors, so in the midst of yet another blowout victory, the responsibility for the evening's non-production solely lay on the Crabs. Darnell Jackson's experience at swimming in the still waters of stasis paid off with a 3.26 trillion, while the newest crustacean, Trey Johnson (previously in Bakersfield's D-League squad), baked a brick for a suck differential of +1 in 2:09. Surprisingly, in 14:10, Anderson Varejao racked up a slight Voskuhl of 6:5 via five fouls and a turnover against three rebounds and one field goal.

Bucks-Nets: The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit apparently recommends sedentary behavior on the hardwood to reduce the chance of injury, which also reduces the likelihood of the contagious condition known as "winning." Joe Alexander needs a cash register next to his bench spot after striking it rich with a full 9.15 trillion! Damon Jones gave himself a slightly smaller gift of 1.8 trillion. Meanwhile, New Jersey's Chris Douglas-Roberts has started to emerge as a late possibility for the All-Lacktion team, tossing a brick and fouling once for +2 in 6:54 of lacktivity.

Bulls-Rockets: Joakim Noah started off slowly and stayed asleep for a full 17:33 at the Toyota Center, giving the Bulls a devestating Voskuhl of 7:3 by fouling out and handing the rock to his opponents twice, against one made shot and one rebound. He was especially burned by Yao Ming, who drew two quick fouls on him in the opening frame (forcing Vinny Del Negro to switch him out with Aaron Gray). Yao then punished Noah harder midway in the fourth quarter by both dunking on him and drawing yet another foul for the chance at an ultimately successful charity stripe shot -- a sequence which proved to be great at killing off Chicago's momentum up to that moment, when the Bulls had made it a five-point game!

Christian Bale: You know, I've always dug on Bale. He was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (one of my all-time favorite movies). And he's Batman! But that four-minute tantrum -- during which he dropped 36 F-bombs -- was ridiculous and embarrassing. Glad to see he's your typical Hollywood prima donna. Oh, wait, it was because he's a method actor? Riiiight. I would have believed that after maybe a minute, minute-and-a-half's worth of F-bombery. Oh well. At least one good thing came out of this: The Bale Out dance mix! Decidedly NSFW.


The Michael Phelps brouhaha: What?! Olympic champion Michael Phelps smoked pot! IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD. Or not. I can't believe the backlash Phelps is getting for this. Particularly since we live in a country whose medical community has recognized marijuana's therapeutic benefits. Hell, Boston has decriminalized possession of small amounts of it! But that's our hypocritical nation. Prostitution is harshly prosecuted all over the place -- I recently read about a sting operation in a Chicago suburb -- but it's legal in certain areas of Nevada and (believe it or not) Rhode Island. Seriously. So smoking pot is wrong unless it's okay. You can't pay someone for sex unless you're someplace where you can.

And then guys like Michael Phelps get demonized for doing something that probably everyone else his age has either already done or considered doing. And now nobody will look at him the same way, and it gives the media a chance to bring up that DUI he had when he was 19. Uh oh! He has a history! What a monster!

Look, Phelps is a dork, and maybe even a bit of a douche. But can you blame him? He's young, he rules his sport with an iron swim cap. He toked. So what? Really. So what?

Kobe Bryant: Mamba filled Luke Walton's locker with gay porn and then, after most of the Lakers had shown up but before Walton had noticed, Kobe loudly drew everybody's attention to it: "Hey everybody, look at that stuff in Luke's locker! I guess we know now why he styles his hair that way..."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Chris Bosh, Christian Bale, Gregg Popovich, Michael Phelps, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors

I guess Vince had a New Year's Eve party he needed to get to.
This is how much I love you people: I'm defying a wicked hangover to bring you the Worst of the Night. Never doubt my devotion.

The Chicago Bulls: I always say that teams who have to play on the road on a major holiday are usually at a serious disadvantage. That was not the case in Chicago last night, where the Bulls pulled a Rex Grossman against the Magic. Ben Gordon scored 18 points on 17 shots. Derrick Rose had zero assists and shot 5-for-13. Aaron Gray went scoreless (0-for-2) and committed 5 fouls in 15 minutes (and Dwight Howard pushed him around like he was a sack of used cotton balls). Thabo Sefolosha was 3-for-10. The Bulls shot 42 percent and were down 65-38 at halftime...and the game was pretty much over. They've now lost four of five games and are watching .500 slip further from their grasp. Said Ben Gordon: "I think we can play a lot better than we're playing right now." I certainly hope so. Because when Joakim Noah (19 points, 11 rebounds) and Larry Hughes (15 points, 6-for-12) are your top performers, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

The New Jersey Nets: The Nets were held to a season-worst 75 points (on 37 percent shooting) by a Pistons team that was missing Rip Hamilton (groin) and Antonio McDyess (ribs), and lost Rasheed Wallace to a foot injury in the first half. Normally you're in pretty good shape when the team you're playing against is missing half its starters. And the Nets might have been if not for...

Vince Carter: Carter went "Vinsane" on referee Derrick Stafford when the call on a second-quareter out-of-bounds play didn't go his way. As a result, he got two quick techs and had to be restrained by teammates and his coach. And if you hear them tell the tale, Vince was the victim. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "Vince thought the ball went off Allen (Iverson) and said something, and that's when he got a technical. That's when the official said something that Vince didn't think was appropriate and he reacted. We felt it was unjust that he got ejected." (Translation: It was the ref's fault.) Added Devin Harris: "The ejection was too quick. Something inappropriate was said, allegedly, but I didn't hear it." (Translation: Aliens are coming. Beware.)


Carter blew off the media after the game, and crew chief Dan Crawford refused a request for a comment from Stafford about what he might have said to Vince. So you can probably file this one under "How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Tootsie Roll Center Of A Tootsie Pop?" The world may never know.

The Toronto Raptors: The Craptors dropped their fourth straight home game, marking the first time they've blown that many in a row in Canada since 2006. They're a Nets-like 5-9 at home, they've lost 13 of 17 overall, and at 12-20 they're 12th in the Leastern Conference. And Chris Bosh is pretty bummed about it. "I wish we could wipe the slate clean to be honest with you. I wish we could start over. We definitely have a challenge ahead of us." In other Craptors news, Jose Calderon is an amazing 72-for-72 from the line this season. Yep. I said it. Let the stat curse begin.

George Karl, bad beer machine: After his team won their last game of 2008 to improve their record to 21-12, coach Karl said: "I'm not a champagne guy. I'm a beer guy and some red wine, but I think it's Coors Light tonight. Beer after a win tastes like champagne." I'm sorry. But Coors Light never, under any combination of circumstances, tastes like anything but toilet water strained through dirty gym socks. Not exactly the drink I'd choose to celebrate my 900th career coaching victory.

Let me share a little story with you. A few years back, me and my buddy Statbuster roadtripped to my alma mater for a weekend of rampant drinking. We met up with one of my college buddies, Hew, who was still living in town. At one point, very late in the night, it was Hew's turn to buy a round, and he sprung for a pitcher of Coors Light. Statbuster and I were about five or six sheets to the wind by then, and we STILL wouldn't touch the stuff. Hew, who was working as a student teacher and therefore didn't have a lot of excess spending cash, defended himself by informing us that the pitcher cost him only $2. That was the epiphany-like moment when Statbuster and I realized that once you've graduated from college and can afford decent beer, you lose the ability to enjoy (read that: tolerate) crappy beer, barring special circumstances. (If, for instance, you know somebody tending bar and they can get you as many Pabst Blue Ribbons as you want for free. Most scientists agree that free beer always tastes like Gwen Stefani squeezed it out of her breasts. Look it up.)

The Yao Watch: Basketbawful reader eljpeman left the following comment: "I was reviewing the box scores in Y! Sports, and you can add Luke Ridnour to the list of people that can block Yao. I just hope I don't stat curse the Yao watch!" I hope not either, eljpeman. And for the record, the Bucks had exactly two blocked shots last night...and both of them were against Yao. Wah-wah-waaaaaaah.

The Houston Rockets: Yes, they won. Technically speaking. But it was a hideous abomination of a game that left Rockets players disgusted with themselves and each other. Said Ron Artest: "We've got to play better and that's it. There's so much of the game where we have to play better. To sum it up, that win was not even a win." Added Yao Ming: "I really am not excited about the win. This keeps happening and happening since the Utah game, so I cannot be happy about this." Somebody get Yao some Coors Light and fast.

The Milwaukee Bucks: You know that game the Rockets were disgusted about winning? Well, the Bucks lost it. I'm just sayin'.

The Golden State Warriors: The Thunder were going to get their fourth win of the season eventually, and "eventually" became "last night" thanks to the defenseless non-effort of the Warriors. Oddly, the Warriors have played more road games (21) than any other team in the league this season. And they've lost 17 of 'em. What's worse is that three of their next four games are away from home too. By the end of that stretch, they will have played 24 games on the road and only 14 at home. So, you know, I guess the NBA schedule maker hates the Warriors. Regarding their latest roadkilling, coach Don Nelson said: "I am not crying about the schedule and I don't talk that much about it. There are probably reasons why players don't have the pop some nights and have it other nights. Bottom line is, we had too many guys that didn't have the pop tonight." Which must explain why they committed 20 turnovers and let the Thunder score 14 points over their season average.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They are who we thought they were. I know some of you might be tired of hearing that, but I'm going to keep writing it as long as they keep being who we thought they were. So don't kill the messenger, okay? They lost a revenge game against the team that stole Elton Brand from them, and Brand wasn't even playing. And they lost it at home. The crowd started chanting "Fire Dunleavy!" in the final minute, and Clippers owner Donald Sterling said afterward: "Not one of my better nights. I don't take losing well." Uh, really, Donald? Really?? As Basketbawful reader Mladen pointed out in an email: "Wow, I'm surprised he's still alive then." Wow is right.

The Clips shot 40 percent and committed 18 turnovers that were converted into 25 points by the Sixers. Mike "He won't be the Clippers coach in 2009-10" Dunleavy said: "We just didn't do a good job of seeing the ball and gave up easy baskets. There's a lot of good play out there for us, but there were a lot of mental errors." Regarding a technical foul he picked up in the first half -- his third in the last three games -- Dunleavy said: "I'm trying to protect my players. I see something I don't think is right. When I get them (technicals), I'm right." And therein lies one of Dunleavy's biggest problems: He always, in all circumstances, believes he's right and everybody who disagrees with him is wrong.

Lacktion report: Here's Chris with the last lacktion report of '08:

Nets-Pistons: New Jersey's Trenton Hassell just avoided an epic 13 trillion via a rebound and a foul, while a pair of truly spectacular Mario Brothers developed for Detroit. Walter Hermann spent 15 seconds on the floor, while in possibly the shortest on-court appearance known to date, Alex Acker had a Super Mario of a mere TWO SECONDS.

Bucks-Rockets: Luc Mbah a Moute may hve a cool name, but two steals and a block are all that have kept him from the wrong side of the stat sheet, as his 18:34 of playing time were punctuated by 2 bricks, a turnover, and four fouls for what was a potential +7. However, his Milwaukee teammate Francisco Elson racked up a +1 (giveaway) in 4:51, and Dan Gadzuric avoided another appearance here via two rebounds to negate a potential +1 in 7:21.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Bosh, Coors Light, George Karl, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, Milwaukee Bucks, New Jersey Nets, Toronto Raptors, Vince Carter, Worst of the Night

A friend and I were watching Team USA take on Spain last weekend when I noticed Chris Bosh groping the absolute living hell out of Rudy Fernández's butt during a blockout attempt. My friend immediately said, "You've got to put that on your site." But I hadn't TiVo'd the game and I couldn't find a picture of the grabtastic moment anywhere online. So that, it seemed, was that.

Enter Basketbawful reader Ray, who sent me the screen capture.


Dwyane Wade recently noted that he (and the rest of the Redeem Team) are able to go balls out on defense because, at most, they're only playing around 15 minutes a game. Which is true...to a point. But take note, it also helps that the international rules allow for a lot more grabbing and clutching than the NBA does these days. And this butt-hug was a direct result of that. Is it any wonder that Team USA is enjoying so much success? If one team is bigger, stronger and faster than all the other teams, and they can use that physical superiority to their best advantage, what else would you expect to happen?

Labels: Chris Bosh, fan submissions, man love, Olympics

Chris Bosh might have been given an early vacation by the Orlando Magic, but the dude is a straight-up lovemeister. (I guess he's a lover, not a fighter.)

From eljpeman (who's too lazy to open his blogger account): "This could probably get into the man love series. I would have said that they will have a sweaty and passionate night later on, but i guess they are already having it now."


From anne: "There's a whole series of Bosh man love photos up today. I like this one in particular, as he looks like he's blowing in Superman's ear. What can you say, Bosh is a romantic."

Labels: Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard, fan submissions, Jameer Nelson, man love

Avery Johnson: His Mavs got treated like a pair of large, dangling testicles at a nutshot convention by Chris Paul in Game 1. Since the Little General likes his nuts the way they are, he opted to double-down on Paul at every possible opportunity. And it sounded like a good idea at the time...until CP3 disregarded the double-teams and rained fire on all those who dared oppose him. Paul finished with 32 points (10-for-16), 5 rebounds, 17 assists and 3 steals, thus becoming (I think) the first person in NBA history to record at least 30 points and 10 assists in his first two career playoff games. More importantly though, the Hornets delivered a 127-103 colon-blasting to the Mavericks.

The Dallas defense: I doubt it was all Avery's fault that his team couldn't have stopped a corpse (or even Greg Ostertag) from scoring the basketball. New Orleans shot 60 percent from the field, almost 56 from beyond the arc, and they had 30 assists while committing only 6 turnovers.

Jason Kidd: He was supposed to be The Difference, the final piece of Mark Cuban's championship jigsaw puzzle. Now he's being spit-roasted and eaten alive by Chris Paul. Unless something radically changes, this is going to be a series-long ego-ectomy for J-Kidd.

Dirk Nowitzki: What's wrong with this guy? Remember his tempter tantrum after Game 5 of the NBA Finals, when he couldn't even bully a helpless stationary bicycle? Well, last night we got more of the same, with Dirk grumping all over the court and screaming into thin air a couple times. Look, if my team consistently let me down and failed to live up to expectations, I'd be pissed too. But MVPs do not -- cannot -- act like that. That sort of behavior does not evoke confidence from your teammates. Which sort of explains why Jason Terry never seems to totally trust Nowitzki down the stretch...


Random Dallas players: The suck bong was being passed around liberally by the Mavericks last night, wasn't it? Kidd shot 3-for-10. Ditto for Josh Howard. Jerry Stackhouse was 4-for-10. Malik Allen played 11 minutes and contributed 4 fouls and 1 missed shot. Eddie Jones played 10 minutes, scored 3 points on 1-for-3 shooting and committed a couple fouls. Antoine Wright got 7 minutes of PT and had 1 rebound and 2 turnovers. Then there was Juwan Howard, who got into the game for 3 minutes to miss 1 shot, bone 3 freethrows, commit one foul, and finish with 1 point.

Mike James: Two seasons ago, he was scoring 20 PPG for the Toronto Raptors. Now he can't even get off the Hornets' bench in an obvious blowout. Oh how the "mighty" have fallen.

Toronto's starters (except Chris Bosh): No wonder Bosh doesn't trust his teammates. Anthony Parker scored zero points (0-for-4) in 38 minutes. T.J. Ford shot 1-for-8 and had 4 turnovers in 24 minutes. Rasho Nesterovic -- who's been on fire lately -- played only 5 minutes. (I guess the alien overlords returned the real Rasho.) Andrea Bargnani scored 9 points (4-for-9), grabbed 1 rebound and committed 4 fouls.

Jamario Moon: He finally looks like a rookie again: 3 points (1-for-7), 5 rebounds.

Sam Mitchell and/or Chris Bosh: The Raptors actually had a chance to steal this game, which ended with a 19-foot desperation jumper by Chris Bosh. That's the best play Sam could draw up? Seriously? Of course, it might have been Bosh going rogue. Bosh had been pretty clearly fouled on his previous drive to the basket but got no whistle, and after the game he indicated that was why he chose to fire it up from outside. "The time before I drove the basket and I didn't get a call. I didn't want to put it in the referee's hands. I wanted to get a clean look -- I felt like I did a decent job. I got a decent look and just missed the shot." Good choice. [/dripping sarcasm]

Hedo Turkoglu: Now, now, Hedo. Don't give us the Duncan face. We all saw that little push you gave Bosh after the foul. You're not fooling anybody. [From Odenized.]


Grant Hill: Well, we all knew it was too good to be true. Hill made it through the season only to fall victim to a nagging groin injury. And so the story goes. Hill played last night, but you could hardly tell it: 19 minutes, zero points (0-for-1), 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 1 foul. This man was absolutely critical to the Suns' playoff hopes...and he's clearly moving at half speed. That's bad news for Phoenix.

Leandro Barbosa: He's supposed to be the X-factor, right? The Brazillian Blur...speed and scoring off the bench...running the offense when Steve Nash needs a rest. Epic fail. Last night's line: zero points, 0-for-7 from the field, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists in 23 minutes.

Mike D'Antoni: I have lost all faith in him. I honestly don't know what else to say.

Tony Parker: Man, I hate Tony Parker. I can't even pretend to be objective about the tiny Frenchman. He is such a huge, flapping vagina. I'm sorry; that's an insult to huge, flapping vaginas everywhere. Remember in last year's playoffs how Parker's head destroyed Steve Nash's nose? Yet Nash barely flinched while Tony flopped to the court and writhed around like he'd just been shot in the head.

Now watch him do the exact same thing after running into Shaq last night. Same fetal position, same agonized clutching of his head. For God's sake, Tony, grow a pair, okay? Your wife already told us about your fake flopping tactics. And speaking of Mrs. Longoria, Tony had a special but impossible for anybody else to understand message for his wife last night. It's official: He has become Doug Christie.


Epilogue: Despite the fact that he crumpled like a wet paper bag the split second he hit Shaq, Parker turned all tough guy after the game. "He was trying to play physical. But that's not going to stop me." Oooooo...scary.

NBA.com: First off, congratulations to Kevin Garnett for being named Defensive Player of the Year. It was well-deserved. But would you like to know the real secret to Boston's defensive magic? According to NBA.com's official DPoY announcement, Shane Battier is a secret Celtic. I was as shocked as you are. (Thanks to Basketbawful readers Charles and Arjun, who were all over this.)


Don C. Kalant Senior: [Frivolous Lawsuit Alert!!] This "prominent" dentist from Naperville, Illinois is suing the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull. Apparently, Benny gave Kalant a crippling high-five during a February 12th Bulls game that hyperextended Kalants drilling arm. As a result, Kalant has been unable to work since the incident. And he apparently won't be able to spot-check for cavities again until sometime in May. Not to belittle a man's brave fight against the injustice of fate, but if you're so incredibly fragile that a high-five from a man dressed in a furry bull costume can take you out for five months, then you have no one to blame but yourself. What are you doing at a Bulls game? Or even leaving the house, for that matter? I suggest that you cover yourself in a few thousand layers of bubble wrap, fill your home with packing peanuts and lost of nice, soft pillows, and never go outside again.

Labels: Avery Johnson, Chris Bosh, Dallas Mavericks, frivolous lawsuits, Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Leandro Barbosa, Phoenix Suns, Sam Mitchell, San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker, Toronto Raptors

Kirk Hinrich says: "Matt Damon!"
Washington Wizards defense: After his team held the Dallas Mavericks to 41 percent shooting, Wizards coach Eddie Jordan said, "We are being nastier and grittier defensively." Well, the Wizards' defense certainly was nasty last night, but not in the way Jordan meant it. They "held" the Cavaliers to 121 points on 56 percent shooting while getting ravaged on the boards 53-29. The Washington D was at it's utter worst during the third quarter, when Cleveland shot 70 percent and outscored the Wizards 43-17. The Associated Press article actually says that the Wiz "stood around like department store mannequins on defense." Wow. It's pretty rare for the Associated Press to editorialize that way. But it's also true. At one point, Larry Hughes just strolled in and dunked while not one, not two, not three, but four Wizards just stood there and watched. Speaking of Hughes...

Larry Hughes: On a night when the rest of his team had it going on, Hughes had one of his typical 2-for-8 shooting nights. And, as noted, one of his two field goals was an uncontested dunk. I can tell you one thing: 33 percent shooting is not what the Cavaliers had in mind when they decided to pay him $12 million a year. Good thing Danny Ferry locked him up through 2009-10!!

Washington Wizard offense: I should probably note that the Wizards offense was pretty bad, too. They scored 85 points on 39 percent shooting, giving fans a bitter taste of what it was like to watch the New York Knicks in the mid-90s. The Washington O was so bad that Yahoo lists Darius Songaila as the team's top performer...with 8 points on 3-for-8 shooting.

Gordan Giricek: His line against the Pistons: 4 minutes, 0-for-2 shooting, 1 assist, 2 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -8. I bet Giricek never thought he'd miss Salt Lake City this badly.

Eddie Jones: The empty husk of Eddie Jones shot 1-for-6 against the Bobcats. In its previous two games, it shot 1-for-3 against the Wizards and 1-for-4 against the Sonics. So the thing might be creepy, but it's still good for at least one field goal a game, and that's something. I guess.

Jose Juan Barea: The Mavs back-up to the back-up point guard scored a two trillion. According to Barea's official Web site, "Barea is regarded by many Northeastern followers as the most exciting player ever to wear a Husky uniform." He also enjoys going to the beach and watching television. Now when you speak of me, never let it be said that I don't provide information to enrich your life.

Boston Celtics defense: The Green are ranked first in the league in both points allowed (88.1) and field goal percentage defense (41.9). For this reason, one can only assume that the C's simply chose not to play defense last night, since the Raptors scored 114 points on 58 percent from the field and 71 percent from three-point land. Five traffic cones could have forced more misses than that. Doc Rivers needs to order up some Inflatable Defenders, pronto.

Boston Celtics clutchability: They have Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen. For those of you who enjoy counting, that's three superstars. So why are they having trouble closing out games? They suffered a come-from-ahead loss to the Raptors last night after getting outscored 30-21 in the fourth. In their last loss, to the Wizards, they were outscored 29-20 in the fourth and lost by 5. In their next to last loss, also to the Wizards, they were outscored 25-13 in the final stanza and lost by 7. In their December loss to Detroit, they got outscored 26-20 in the fourth and lost by 2. Mind you, I know they've only lost seven games, and they're still a very strong team. But they've surrendered fourth quarter leads in all but one of those seven losses. Shouldn't a team with that much star power be able to, you know, finish? And why oh why did they go to Eddie House with seconds remaining and the game on the line? Speaking of House...

Eddie House: When they write the book on Eddie House, it will be one sentence long, and that sentence will be: "He's not afraid to shoot, even when he's shooting badly." Like last night, when he was 2-for-9. It's like terrorists have kidnapped his wife and plan to kill her if he doesn't shoot the ball every time he touches it.

Chris Bosh's buttery fingers: If the Raptors hadn't pulled out that win over the Celtics, Bosh and his 7 turnovers would have been a big reason why.

Pat Garrity: Ring up a two trillion for the Magic's 12th man.

Darko Milicic: Just 1 rebound in 23 minutes for a 7-foot, 275-pound starting center? That's very not good. Even for Darko.

Phoenix Suns: At 7-34, the Minnesota Timberwolves are clearly the worst team in the NBA. Yet two of those 7 wins have come at the expense of the best team (record-wise) in the Western Conference. Oh, wait, thanks to this loss, the Suns gave up the conference lead to the New Orleans Hornets. My bad. The Suns shot lights out (56 percent) but got absolutely obliterated on the boards 48-26. And 22 of the Wolves rebounds were on the offensive end. Marco Jaric had more rebounds (8) than anybody on the Suns. Marco Jaric! The thing is, their win over the Lakers last week proved that the Suns can play defense when properly motivated to do so. I just have no idea what motivates them these days. And neither does Mike D'Antoni, apparently.

Amare Stoudemire: As the Suns starting center, it's Stoudemire's job to protect the paint and clean the glass. But not only were his 6 rebounds two fewer than Marco Jaric had, Stoudemire's man, Al Jefferson went off for a career-high 39 points and had 15 boards, 8 of which were offensive. That's right. Jefferson's offensive rebounding count was higher than Stoudemire's rebounding total. It's called "blocking out," Amare. Try it some time.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.: Boy, just when you think it's finally safe to annoint him a legitimate NBA player, he lets loose with a 2-for-12, 4-turnover stinkbomb against a lousy team. The Pacers may need to rethink their reliance on Dunleavy. Oh, wait. Even after a game like that, he's still the team's best player. Uh oh.

Mario West: One game after his 18-second, 1-foul performance against the Trailblazers, he put in a 5-second, 0-for-everything game against the Nuggets. Mind you, two games ago against the Raptors, not-so-Super Mario put in only 14 seconds. At this rate, why is Mike Woodson bothering to play him at all? What could he possibly expect Williams to do in less than 20 seconds on the floor?

Gregg Popovich interviews: He may be a great coach, but he gives a lousy interview. Right before the start of the fourth quarter, the ESPN sideline reporter asked Popovich why Manu Ginobili was able to give the Spurs a third-quarter spark. Without altering his expression in any way or moving even a single facial muscle, Pop said: "Because he's Manu Ginobili." Then he shambled off like a zombie looking for fresh brains.

The Return of Mr. Bryant: Kobe's performance on Monday night against the Nuggets threatened to undo everything I've ever said about him. After that game, I actually referred to him as "Magic Bryant" to my buddy Craig over at The Association. I had to take a long, hard look in the mirror and admit that maybe, just maybe, Kobe had finally matured into greatness. But Gott in Himmel, he has not. And it's not that Mamba shot 12-for-27, or the fact that he took 13 more shots than any other Laker, or that he had only 1 assist in the second half, or even his NBA season-high 9 turnovers. It was his complete reversion to form. After a stellar first half that seemed like a natural extension of the Denver game, Kobe started to force the action against stiff defense and stopped passing to his teammates. Gregg Popovich seemed to manipulate events by leaving Ime Udoka on Bryant for most of the fourth quarter. It's like Pop knew that Bryant's titanic ego would compel him to try to score against Udoka every time. Well, planned or not, the strategy worked to perfection.

Steve Novak: I didn't see the game, but I would love to know why Rick Adelman put Novak in for 3 seconds. Was his mom in the crowd?

Sacramento Kings: The Sacramento revivial got run through the wood chipper last night. The Kings "best players" were all back in the starting lineup last night, and the result was a 26-point drubbing. By the Clippers (13-25).

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Chris Bosh, Darko, Eddie Jones, Gregg Popovich, Kobe Bryant, Larry Hughes, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards