I bet 'Melo wishes he could have "blacked out" again last night...
The Boston Celtics: Let us harken back to the words of Paul Pierce, as reported in yesterday's WotN post:

"We want to be the champs. That's the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don't care what our record is. I don't care how we've played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That's been our goal since we brought the team together, and that's not changed." But is it realistic? "Yeah," Pierce said. "Without question."

Those are some mighty big words, and a good way for the Celtics to back them up would have been to shut down the Bulls in Chicago last night, thereby giving them a chance to wrest the third seed in the Eastern Conference away from the Atlanta Hawks.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, Derrick Rose (career-high 39) and Kirk Hinrich (season-high 30) combined for 69 points -- including 27 in the fourth quarter -- to beat Boston 101-93. This drops the Celtics to fourth in the East and means a second-round matchup with the Cleveland Craboliers. Assuming the C's can make it that far. I mean, it's a bad sign that a team specifically built around defense was beaten by two guys.

Boston has lost six of the last nine games.

Said Pierce: "One game left and we've got everyone healthy going into the playoffs, which was the No. 1 goal of the season."

Wait, I thought winning the title was your number one goal, Paul. Sounds like you've revised your expectations. Which is probably appropriate.

Rasheed Wallace: After his latest stink bomb -- a 1-for-7 shooting performance, 0-for-2 on threes -- I'm officially going to start calling chuck-it-up games from overpaid (and overrated) bench players "taking a 'Sheed." It's the same as taking a dump, only you're pooping directly onto your teammates. Note I almost named this a "dirty 'Sheedchez" after, well, you know.

Anyway, the best part of Wallace's dreadful showing was that he scored as many points for the Bulls as he did for the Celtics. Oh, yes. As Basketbawful reader Adrian said: "Holy shit. Sheed just choked on a rebound so hard he put it back in the Bulls' basket. Now I've seen it all. Only two years left with him, Boston!"


Added Basketbawful reader winnetou: "While looking for a short clip of the events Adrian mentioned, I also came across a longer video mentioning that he had actually done this before, in November '08. Unfortunately, the video only really celebrates the cAnswer without showing Sheed's bawful moments, so all that I can link is the ESPN recap."

But wait! There's more! Watch 'Sheed not even try to contest Rose's slam. Why be in the poster, right?


What a bum.

John Paxson: And you probably thought that firing a guy on Christmas eve was the biggest superdick move Paxson could pull. Well, I'm not sorry you were so totally wrong. The latest: After a recent home loss to the Phoenix Suns, Pax grabbed coach Vinny Del Negro by the tie, jabbed him in the chest a couple times and challenged him to a fight. Why, you ask? Because Vinny played Joakim Noah -- who had recently missed 10 games with plantar fasciitis -- two minutes and five seconds longer than the 25-minute limit Bulls management had mandated. Seriously.

Stay classy, John Paxson!

Jerry Reinsdorf has dispatched lawyers to investigate the incident. Paxson, not surprisingly, has not been available for comment. This is what Vinny had to say: "I'm not going to comment. I go about my job every day no matter what happens. I'm a competitor. I've been involved in the game a long time. I love the challenge of it. All the other things that happen pretty much stay internally."

Said Bulls spokesman Tim Hallam "This is an organizational issue, which we will handle internally."

Added Joakim Noah: "I don't want to talk about it. Things happen in an organization. ... I don't think it's fair for us as players to be talking about that stuff. It's nothing. Really, it's nothing."

Uhm, no offense, Jo, but a boss physically abusing -- some would even say "attacking" -- his employee is something. Something pretty bad. Something most people in the real world would probably lose their jobs over. However, it's more likely Paxson will remain with the organization while Vinny gets the boot as soon as the season ends, either tonight or after a first round sweep by the Crabs.

Sounds fair, right?

The Gol_en State Warriors: Now that Nellie is the NBA's winningest coach ever, people have stoppped caring about the Warriors again. Which is how it should be. So, fittingly, I don't care enough to recap Gol_en State's home loss to the Jazz. I'll simply leave you with this: Devean George scored a season-high 21 points for the Warriors. Doesn't that sort of say all you need to know?

The Denver Nuggets: With homecourt advantage in the playoffs on the line, the Nuggets...lost 123-101 to the Suns in Phoenix. And the beating was actually worse than that. So bad, in fact, that Steve Nash and Amar''''''e Stoudemire sat out the entire fourth quarter. The Suns -- who knew the Nuggets had played the night before -- ran out to an 18-2 lead and Denver never really recovered.

And this is the team that's supposed to challenge the Lakers in the playoffs?

The Suns shot almost 54 percent from the field and went 14-for-24 from downtown...including 11-for-17 during the first three quarters.

Said Chauncey Billups: "Man, there's really nobody that's going to beat them when they shoot like that."

I've heard hands in faces can help with that, Chauncey. Speaking of Mr. Big Shot...

Chauncey Billups: Remember when the talk was always about how Billups owned Nash? Well, last night Captain Canada had 18 points and 10 assists in three quarters (despite a tough shooting night), while Mr. Big Shot went 1-for-6 from beyond the arc and didn't register a single assist in 33 minutes of PT.

The Sacramento Kings: The best thing about their 106-100 loss to the Mamba-less Lakers? The Purple Paupers are now one game closer to the end of their season. Hip-hip-HOOOORAY!!!

(Still, letting Shannon Brown -- 24 points on 10-for-19 shooting -- pull a Kobe impersonation on them was pretty embarrassing. Assuming they have any shame left.)

You know who's sad this year's crapfest is coming to it's crappy end? Paul Westphal: "Honestly, I'm sorry it's over. I really like this team. We knew that we had a hill to climb, and the journey is just beginning. We added eight more wins and added some players we can build around, so by any measure, there was improvement. The first thing is that we had to compete this year. We did that, and one of these days, we'll learn how to win."

...

Lacktion report: Only one entry for chris's daily lacktion update:

Celtics-Bulls: Flip Murray bricked twice and fouled once in 4:24 for a CELEBRATORY +3!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, john paxson, Rasheed Wallace, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

First, a few belated WotNs...

Amare Stoudemire: From Basketbawful reader Josh: "I was at the Pacers/Suns game when Amare went off for 49. However, Amare, as well as everyone else at the game, believed that he had scored 51, breaking the 50-point barrier along with his career high of 50. This is because the giant player statistics screen at Conseco Fieldhouse showed that Amare had scored 51. At this point, Amare began passing every time he got the ball, seemingly going for a triple-double. He had to be a little disappointed when he go to the locker room and was told that he didn't break 50."

Stat padding? From a guy who once nicknamed himself STAT?! Never! After the game, Sun Tzu said: "You guys here in Indiana cheated me." Now, supposedly he made the comment jokingly, but I'm guessing his laughter was about as sincere as McCain's concession speech.

Steve Blake: Yesterday, Basketbawful reader Austen left the following comment: "Heh, I'm surprised you didn't note that funny moment during the Jazz-Blazers game where one of the players was trying to catch an inbound pass and stuck his right foot out behind him...into Brevin Knight's crotch area. Knight decided to clamp his knees together, so hilarity ensued when that player tried to run in a different direction to catch the inbounds pass. They ended up having to rush the inbound passer back inbonds after the pass just to keep the play going." Austen later added: "It was Blazers player [Steve] Blake who stuck his foot out into Brevin Knight's man region, and got caught with his foot in the cookie jar at 5:19 in the 4th quarter of last night's game." And here's the pictorial evidence:


Elton Brand: Shortly after the Philadelphia 76ers signed Brand to that $80 million contract last summer, Elton said: "I'm prepared to do some big things this year." Last night, those "big things" included scoring 6 points on 3-for-8 shooting in 35 minutes. Brand has been in an offensive slump so far this season. He's scored 20+ points and hit at least half of his shots only once, and it's no coincidence that it happened against the Knicks and Mike D'Antoni's "We play defense for :07 seconds or less" system. Now, mind you, it's not Brand's fault. Part of the reason for his struggles are the fault of...

The Philadelphia 76ers' offense: The Sixers, as a team, are shooting 44 percent as a team this season. And that number would be far worse if the Sixers hadn't hit 60 percent of their shots against both the Knicks and the Kings...two utterly defenseless teams. Philly shot 34 percent in their season opener against Toronto, 41 percent at Atlanta, 37 percent versus Miami and 38 percent last night against Orlando. Right now, the team's spacing is horrible. Brand is getting harrassed by double-teams and nobody seems to know where to position themselves for the kickout. When you have a dominant low post player, you have to provide him with passing angles and capable shooters. Right now, Brand is getting neither.

Andre Miller: I guess he's been watching too much Derrick Rose. Last night, Miller took 24 shots -- and hit only 7 of them -- while dishing for only 2 assists. That's six more shot attempts than the next closest guy (Thaddeus Young was 7-for-18), and 12 more shots than the guy after that (Andre Iguodala was 4-for-12). As I've said before, a 10-to-1 ratio of shots-to-assists is not what you want from your starting point guard.

Dwight Howard: He was limited to only four first-half minutes due to foul trouble and still finished with 14 points, 8 rebounds and 3 blocked shots. And 7 of those points and 2 of the blocks came during the fourth quarter, when the Magic where holding off the Sixers' rally. But man, I would feel a lot better about Superman if he could develop a low post move or two. And if he could hit a free throw (he was 2-for-8 last night and is currently at 44 percent for the season).

J.J. Redick: Earned his second consecutive DNP-CD. Remember, he was the sixth man about a week ago.

"Let's finish this up guys. I really gotta pee!"
The Houston Rockets' end-of-game defense: You'd think that a team built on defense would be able to hold a one-point lead with 0.8 seconds left, right? Well, then, you'd be wrong. Brandon Roy dropped a 30-foot atom bomb on the Rockets as time expired to give the Blazers a 101-99 overtime win. Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "I don’t know why he got so wide open. We should have had somebody on him. We made a mistake." Yeah, I'd call that a mistake. Man, where's Shane Battier when you need him?

Of course, Roy had to hit that shot to avoid getting a WotN mention himself, since on the previous possession he fouled Yao on a score, which allowed Ming the Merciless (after hitting the free throw) to put Houston up by one point with less than a second on the clock. Actually, you know what...

Brandon Roy: I'm happy for the kid. I am. He hit some clutch shots. But I don't want to see him posing like this unless he's in the middle of some kind of gamma ray-induced transformation.

"Bloargh!"
Yao Ming: When I watched Yao's first shot of the game get blocked by Joel Przybilla -- and it was a smother chicken, no less -- I knew I'd be hearing about Yao from somebody. Sure enough, I received the following e-mail from Basketbawful reader Vinny Gorgeous a few minutes later: "I am writing this with 9:40 left in the first quarter of the Blazers-Rockets game, and I'm ready to nominate Yao for WotN, because DAY-UMN -- the Vanilla Gorilla with a huge rejection. And now Joel's been added to the list of things Yao Ming can't dunk on (along with the rim.) I mean, it's 2 minutes in! His legs can't be tired at this point! And he's getting stuffed by JOEL PRZYBILLA? I don't care if he goes off for 30/20/5 tonight, that's awful."

It's even more awful than you think, Vinny, since -- as I pointed out -- the block you're talking about was the second time Joel had stuffed another brick into the Great Wall of Yao. Oh, and Yao didn't go off for 30/20/5. More like 13/6/1 on 4-for-13 shooting. Oh, and for future reference, Joel is referred to as the Vanilla Godzilla around these parts.

Bonus footage! It's a few days delayed, but here's a mashup of Yao's performance against the Celtics a few days ago:


Ron Artest: He was supposed to help ease the Rockets' scoring woes, but last night he scored a "meh" 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting. He's shooting 34 percent on the season...and only 31 percent from inside the arc.

Update! Tracy McGrady: Basketbawful reader Andrei said: "You have to give T-mac a Worst of the Night for his defense on the last play of the game. He was supposed to guard Roy, but once the play started and Roy bolted towards the ball, T-mac just pointed at him and then casually jogged in that direction just in time to see the a-bomb go off in his face. At 1:08 in these highlightsm just keep an eye on McGrady. Way to delegate Mr. All-Star." Good points, one and all.

John Paxson: Hey, John. I just wanted to let you know that LaMarcus Aldridge scored 27 points on 12-for-20 shooting last night. He also grabbed 9 boards, dished out a pair of assists and blocked two shots. And you swapped him for Tyrus Thomas and Viktor Khryapa. Yeah...how's that workin' out for you again? On the subject of the Bulls...

Chicago Bulls drama: One of the reasons the Bulls fell from grace last season was that many of the players had their own agendas and therefore tuned out Scott Skiles. And even after Skiles was canned (on Christmas eve), they didn't exactly kill themselves for interim head coach Jim Boylan. All that stuff was supposed to be ancient history...but it's not: Ben Gordon and Luol Deng are already making subtle criticisms to the press. "Starters have to get off to a good start; that's their responsibility," Gordon said after Sefolosha went scoreless and starting forward Tyrus Thomas had one point against the Cavaliers. "They have to step it up. Maybe Coach needs to mix something up a little bit." Translation: Coach needs to start me.

Deng, on the other hand, seems to think his slow start is the fault of the team's offense. "I still don't feel I'm playing how I want to play. We have to find sets that we're productive from and try to give teams different looks. We stayed with similar sets, especially in the fourth quarter. We have to switch it up a little bit." Translation: Coach needs to call more plays for me.

But Vinny D isn't changing for nobody, nohow: "No, no, no; they're the players, I'm the coach," Del Negro said. "The easiest thing is to look from the outside in and say we should do this or that. But when you go through it, it's a lot different. We're trying to put everybody in the most successful area we can. Sometimes it's not the system; sometimes it is. Sometimes it's the familiarity of everything."

Del Negro then put the onus right back on his players. "It's probably frustration talking. [Deng] got good looks [Wednesday], just like a few other guys. At times I thought we played pretty well moving the ball, but [we're] still shooting the ball too quick. Guys [are] a little bit unsure and thinking too much instead of playing. What happens is, sometimes [players] get a little bit out of sync and they start forcing things and try to do things they're not comfortable with. That hurts them even more. You just have to be patient and understand where you're going to get your shots."

So glad to see that everybody's on the same page...

Update! Kobe Bryant: He cheated to beat his daughters at Candyland. And then he talked trash to them for the rest of the night.

Labels: Andre Miller, Ben Gordon, Brandon Roy, Chicago Bulls, Elton Brand, Houston Rockets, john paxson, luol deng, Philadelphia 76ers, Vinny Del Negro

Here is Part 2 of the 2007-08 NBA Worsties. This part runs roughly through December of 2007. And I do mean roughly.

Biggest waste of a hyped shoe line: Gilbert and his Gil2Zeros (or Gil20's if ya nasty). Not only did the guy beg Adidas for more attention in 2006 and blog about how elite this line was going to be, he also decided that it needed 17 special editions to be released throughout the season starting in December. What happened? He played exactly 13 games and had 2 knee surgeries allowing him to live up to an NBA Live curse if there is one and guaranteeing Adidas of a complete waste of resources. Hibachi! [Submitted and written by Kellex of Le Basketbawl.]

The end of the line for Ruben Patterson: Known in some (rather stupid) circles as "The Kobe Stopper," Patterson had averaged a career-high 14.7 PPG on 55 percent shooting during the 2006-07 season. (I have three words for you: Contract Year Phenomenon.) On August 29, 2007, the Angels of Death Los Angeles Clippers gleefully signed him to an undisclosed deal. Clippers Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor said, "We are thrilled to add Ruben to our team," and head coach Mike Dunleavy added, "I am really excited by our signing of Ruben Patterson." And that's about when the honeymoon ended. Patterson played only 20 games for the Clips -- averaging 5.1 PPG and 3.2 APG -- before getting waived on December 13. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he is included in Wikipedia's list of American sex offenders.

Dan Fegan gets pwn3ed by Dan Ferry: Anderson Varejao's stubborn (and foolishly greedy) agent went toe-to-toe with Danny Ferry. And lost. One rival agent -- once he'd finished erupting in a pitiless "Muwahahahahahaha!!" -- said that: "Danny Ferry cleaned (Fegan's) clock." Varejao, after a lengthy and fruitless holdout, signed an offer sheet with the Charlotte Bobcats. The Cavaliers simply matched it, allowing them to retain Varejao's services at a price that was well below market value (not to mention $10 million per year less than Fegan was asking for). But hey, that's what Fegan gets for trying to get Greg Ostertag money, because let's face it: Varejao is no Ostertag.

Jason Kidd's mysterious migraine: Kidd missed the Nets' feeble 100-93 loss to the lowly Knicks due to what was reported to be a migraine headache. But rumor had it that Kidd was really suffering from a throbbing pain in his ass, that pain being the wretched awfulness of his team. Kidd, who has no history of migraine headaches, appeared to be upset about how badly his team sucked, and that certain teammates -- cough*VinceCarter*cough -- couldn't play through a little pain and discomfort. In a way, I can't blame him, because playing with Vince Carter would give me headaches too. But quitting on your team, even if it's only for a night, isn't cool. Naturally, this was a dark omen of things to come.

Paul Pierce joins the "No Fun" Police: Before a 113-103 road win over the Philadelphia 76ers, Paul Pierce apparently "scolded a couple of teammates in the locker room who [were] having too much fun and screaming to some music." Said Pierce: "We're trying to play a game." Pierce then admitted that, last season, he "spent too much time telling his younger teammates what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to dress." Wow. Who knew Pierce was such a Fun Nazi? Oh, right, these guys.

Shaq takes out his frustration on Joel Przybilla: During the opening minutes of a routine 112-106 road loss to the Portland Trailblazers, Shaq made one of his signature awkward lurches to the basket and headbutted Joel Przybilla, then fell on him and drove the basketball into his face. Przybilla got knocked out of the game for a while, but he returned in the second quarter and did a good job containing Shaq when the big man was actually in the game. (The Big Ham Hands got into foul trouble yet again.) Yes, the 2007-08 season marked the point at which Shaq could no longer overpower Joel Przybilla. Here's some video of the event.

LeBron proves (once again) that today's ballers are huge vaginas: King James, who looks like an unstoppable force of pure physical power, missed a few games in December with a sprained left index finger. This is what it's come to. Gone are the days when we could expect professional athletes to, say, play through the pain of a broken foot or maybe cut off their finger to stay in a game. Soon a case of cotton mouth or maybe a bad hair day will be all it takes to make it onto the injured list.

Al Horford gives T.J. Ford [Arnie voice] a pain in dah neck [/Arnie voice]: Yeah, I know it was an accident and everything, but Horford's foul on T.J. Ford looked pretty bad. Not only that, it ended with Ford -- who missed the entire 2004-05 season after neck surgery -- getting carried off the floor on a stretcher. I feel kind of like a jerk for saying this, but you know, Ford might not have gotten hurt if the refs had just made the call on what was a pretty obvious travel. I mean, he took three full steps after his last dribble.


Carlos Boozer declares war on Steve Nash's teeth: An "errant" Boozer elbow knocked out a chuck of Captain Canada's pearly whites, but it didn't prevent him from beating the Jazz with 29 points (10-for-12), 11 assists and 6 rebounds. Said Nash: "I just kind of took an elbow or something and it chipped off. So I get to spend some of my day off at the dentist, as luck would have it." Kudos to Nash for having a sense of humor about it. Had it been someone like Kobe Bryant or Lebron James, I'm sure the reaction and resulting press coverage would have been needlessly grim and melodramatic (e.g., "Despite the pain and anguish of a broken tooth, Kobe reached down deep and found the winner within, scoring a bunch of points and blah, blah, blah." Does anybody remember how Nash's tooth got broken the last time? That's right: An errant elbow from Karl Malone (as also noted by Nash after the game). Of course, Malone was an evil Laker at that time, but we know he was always a Jazz man at heart.


Andrew Bynum declares war on Fabricio Oberto's face: Bynum earned himself double technicals and an ejection for popping Fabricio Oberto in the face with an elbow. And it didn't happen in the heat of action; it happened during a dead ball situation while Oberto was making his way downcourt. What made the situation even more pathetic was how Bynum raised his hands after the fact to make it look like he didn't actually intend to hit Oberto, then actually complained about getting teched up (which earned him a second technical). Naturally, Kobe had to stick his nose into it, running downcourt to argue with the the ref. And of course Phil Jackson, ever the smug one, commented to the sideline reporter between the third and fourth quarters that the officials had "evened things out" between the two teams (since Duncan and Parker were out) by kicking Bynum out of the game. See, these are perfect examples of why it's so easy to hate the Lakers.


Tony Parker's sprained vagina ankle: TP missed a handful of games in December with a sprained ankle. Of course, I'm sure it was just a coincidence that his injury happened to coincide with those nasty allegations of an affair with French super-hottie Alexandra Paressant, who claims she did the nasty désobligeant with TP. This is going to totally shock you, but Parker denied it: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Here's the funny thing, though: Parker "said" all that in a statement from Longoria's spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. So Parker, a three-time world champion and last season's NBA Finals MVP, has to defend himself through a statement issued by his wife’s spokeswoman? I guess we know who wears the Pretty Pink Princess panties in that family.

Darko Milicic's ego (once again) hits an all-time low: 2007-08 was supposed to be Darko's breakout season. But after a listless performance against the Magic -- 4 points (2-5), 3 rebounds, 5 personal fouls, and several brutal posterizations by Dwight Howard -- the only thing broken was Darko's ego: "My confidence level right now is really low. It's horrible. It's weird. I'm with a team now that needs me, and has given me every opportunity to play. I've got a nice contract, but for some reason I can't even do the things I used to do. I don't know what's wrong with my game." Wow. I don't know how his confidence could possibly have gotten any lower than it was in Detroit, where the coach wouldn't play him and most of his teammates wouldn't even look him in the eye. But it happened.

Update! Jeff Foster punks a fan run amok: During a 93-85 Pacers victory over the Gilbert Arena and Caron Buter-less Washington Wizards, a crazed fan made it onto the court and managed to evade several Keystone Cops security guards before Indiana center Jeff Foster stepped in and tripped the kid, sending him into what I'm hoping was a brutally painful faceplanting. [Nominated by Stephanie G.]


Pat Riley discovers the pain of, uh, pain: After a 106-103 loss to the Pacers, the Heat fell to 6-17. What did Riles have to say after his team's latest defeat? "There's a lot of pain. It's very painful. Sometimes you wonder. I'm not trying to get on a philosophical bent here, but when you're given everything that you've ever wanted in your profession, you wonder why that you feel such pain. You say why, why give me all this and make me feel pain?" Uh...what the hell? Seriously, that insipid rant is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read. Maybe it's just me, but I think that after winning 6 championships (1 as a player, 5 as a coach) and becoming a mega-millionaire, you officially lose all rights to whine like a little bitch unless a loved one is diagnosed with terminal cancer or you get sodomized by hillbillies during a rafting trip through Alabama. Once again, I'm just sayin'.

The continuing Fire Isiah movement: There simply was no escape for Isiah, not even on the Knicks bench.

Unhappy holidays from John Paxson: Somebody had to take the fall for the failed expectations of the Chicago Bulls, and everybody pretty much knew it was going to be Scott Skiles. But on Christmas Eve? Seriously? Yes, seriously. Merry freaking Christmas, Mr. Skiles. And you have to wonder how much of the blame Skiles really deserved. As Statbuster asked at the time: "Is Scott Skiles responsible for Ben Gordon, Kirk Hinrich, and Ben Wallace devolving into Juan Dixon, Steve Blake, and Michael Cage? Is Skiles accountable for the Kwame Brown-like work ethic of Tyrus Thomas? Was Skiles the one that dealt LaMarcus Aldridge for this guy?"

Then, on the day after Christmas, finally free of Skiles' iron-fisted tyranny, the Bulls once again put forth the kind of lackluster effort that got their coach fired and made Kyle Orton the talk of Chicago. Released from Skiles suffocating offensive sets, Luol Deng shot 5-of-15 and Andres Nocioni hit 1-of-11. Ben Wallace, who chafed under Skiles' Draconion rules, submitted a 2-point, 4-rebound gem while being totally outplayed by Matt Bonner (12 points, 9 rebounds). But despite their newfound freedom and the sense of hope it brought, the Bulls still got blown out by a Spurs team that didn't have Manu Ginobili and suffered through a poor game from Tim Duncan (8 points on 2-of-9 shooting and 5 turnovers). Yay, team. [Nominated by dumbgenius.]

We wear short-shorts: With the Lakers and Celtics both leading their respective conferences for the first time since the Bird/Magic era, the Lakers "honored" the moment by breaking out 80’s sized (or lack thereof) shorts. There are too many wrongs here to list…but I will:

1. The Celtics first laughed at the idea and then proceeded to literally beat the pants off the Lakers (and they gave a very accurate preview of things to come in the Finals with their physical presence. As a Lakers fan I was hoping they just lacked confidence because of the shorts and not because the C’s are physically intimidating...boy was I wrong!)

2. The baggy 00's era tops with tiny 80's era shorts look made it appear as though the Lakers came out in their boxers. Correct me if I’m wrong, but basketball is a sport not to be played in underwear.

3. Did I mention that the fans were laughing also? Save the sideshow antics for the Clippers and not the best and most physical team in the NBA.

4. They gave away tee shirts proclaiming, "I saw the short-shorts!!!" Really? Am I really going to wear a tee shirt of an ass-kicking that brags about seeing grown men in tiny shorts? (Here’s a pic of the tee.)

5. The Lakers quickly changed back into normal shorts at halftime. Unfortunately they were down 8 and never rallied. [Submitted and written by Craig from The Association.]

Labels: Al Horford, Andrew Bynum, Carlos Boozer, john paxson, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, NBA Worsties, Paul Pierce, Ruben Patterson, scott skiles, Steve Nash

In a move slightly more disastrous than most of their personnel moves over the last 10 years, singer Phil Collins was hired today as head coach of the Chicago Bulls. The hiring was seen as controversial, since Collins' only professional sports experience has been lead musician for every promo during the 2005 NBA finals and wrestling the Ultimate Warrior.

John Paxson was in a jovial mood when defending the much-debated hiring earlier today. "Now I can't dance, but the Bulls fans can feel it in the air tonight. Against all odds, you can see coach Collins' true colors, even for just one more night. (Collins) may be older, but he has an invisible touch, and he can turn it on again. It's time for another day in paradise!" Paxson later admitted he didn't know what a Sussudio was.

ESPN analyst John Hollinger was also optimistic on the hiring. "Scott Skiles may have been an abrasive character, but Phil Collins can't stop loving you. And that's crucial, since you can't hurry love. He's an easy lover. He'll get a hold on you, believe it. He's like no other." Hollinger also prepared an algorithm proving rock group Genesis had a higher PER following the departure of Peter Gabriel.

The Bulls are in the land of confusion, and John Paxson is in too deep and may be throwing it all away. That's all.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, John Hollinger, john paxson, pure fiction, the 80s

Denver Nuggets supporting cast: Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson (before he got ejected) played pretty well last night; both guys actually shot 50 percent or better for a change. But Anthony Carter (zero points, 0-for-5), Marcus Camby (4 points, 2-for-6), Eduardo Najera (zero points, 0-for-5), Linas Kleiza (5 points, 2-for-8), and Yakhouba Diawara (zero points, 0-for-4) were very not good. When five of the eight players who actually played shoot 4-for-28, you're probably going to lose, especially because of the...

Denver Nuggets defense: Atlanta is much improved this season (which isn't hard, considering they were 30-52 last season). But they're hardly great, particularly offensively. They score 94.7 PPG (23rd in the league) on 44.5 percent shooting (21st in the league). Yet last night they scored 104 points on 52 percent shooting (despite Al Horford's 3-for-11 brickbuster).

Cancer: Nene is going to be out of the Denver lineup indefinitely after having a testicular tumor removed. Cancer sucks. And hearing about a testicular tumor makes my balls hurt, which sucks even more. Doctors won't know whether the tumor was cancerous until they receive the biopsy results. Let's all hope for the best for Nene, huh?

John Paxson: The Bulls GM was a guest on the Mike North Morning Show on WSCR-AM (670) yesterday, and he said that everyone in the Bulls' organization, including team chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, thinks that the players' group decision to bench Joakim Noah one additional game for screaming at assistant coach Ron Adams was ''outstanding.'' Here's the thing though: Noah had already been suspended one game by interim coach Jim Boylan. But the players, being the players, obviously feel that they know better than the coaching staff, or management for that matter. These are the same players who tuned out and quit on Scott Skiles, leading to the "coach who turned things around" getting fired on freakin' Christmas eve. However, Paxson wants us to believe that this sudden showing of "veteran leadership" from the previously MIA Ben Wallace and "He's still on the team?" Adrian Griffin is a good thing, and furthermore that it's a sign the players are taking ownership of and responsibility for the team's season-long struggle to not suck. Suuuuuure. Speaking of the Bulls sucking...

Chicago Bulls: Hooray for team unity, right? The Bulls got outscored 32-10 in the third quarter on their way to their second straight blowout loss since Noahgate. Some Bulls hopefuls are pointing to the fact that the team was undermanned -- Kirk Hinrich missed the game with back spasms and Andres Nocioni left early due to a bruised left hip -- but who are they kidding? They way this team is playing, they would have lost even if Jesus was in their starting lineup. But at least then they'd have some yummy wine and bread. Anyway, the Bulls "nice guy" coach finally snapped. Said Boylan: "We had a lack of effort all the way across the board by just about everybody. Our defense is soft and anemic at times and we just seem to be casual with the ball. If we want to get ourselves right, we have to change the way we're playing." Uh, you're totally right Jim, but it's kind of your job to change the way the team is playing.

By the way, I would be willing to bet my collection of porcelain Larry Bird dinnerware that the Heat end their 10-game losing streak tonight at the Bulls' expense.

Washington Wizards: Okay, first off, any team that loses to the Knicks this season gets an automatic mention in Worst of the Night. But how do you come off back-to-back wins over the Celtics and then lose to the Knicks?! I mean, Tough Juice was talking about winning a championship yesterday! Then his team goes out and shoots 39 percent (compared to 51 percent for the Knicks). Even more embarrassing is the fact that the Knicks, who are dead-last in the league in assists per game, had twice as many dimes as the Wizards (26 to 13). According to a complex mathematical algorithm I just made up, that makes Washington twice as selfish as the most selfish team in the league. Antawn Jamison thinks his team didn't tie their shoes last night: "It's one thing to say you beat the best team in the league back-to-back and all of a sudden you come back, lose to a team that's won what, 11 games before tonight? You've still got to lace them up. You've still got to be focused enough and you've still got to bring the energy early in the game. And for us those were the things that pretty much lost the game for us."

Andrea Bargnani: Sophomore slump? More like sophomore suck. Bargnani had his fifth zero-point outing of the season, thanks to 0-for-4 shooting. If there's anyone capable of dethroning Kwame Brown as the King of the Worst Number One Overall Picks Ever, it's Bargnani.

Tayshaun Prince: His team won, but not because of his 6 points and 3-for-8 shooting. Although that was a giant step up from Sunday's dreadful zero point, 0-for-10 performance against the Knicks. Are we sure that Prince hasn't been replaced by a body double, ala Hannah Montana?

Golden State Warriors: Sure, they beat the Minnesota Timberwolves. Whoop-de-friggin'-do. They gave up 26 points (on 10-for-15 shooting!) and 10 rebounds to Antoine Walker. It was Walker's best scoring game since he scored 32 points against the Raptors on April 11, 2006. I'm going to file a protest with the league, because as far as I'm concerned, giving up 26 points to Antoine Walker consitutes a loss, even if you outscore the other team by 200 points.

Minnesota Timberwolves: In case it escaped your notice, Antione Walker was the team's top performer against the Warriors. That will always get your team mentioned in Worst of the Night.

Darko Milicic: He played only five minutes last night due to "right knee soreness." But he still managed to contribute 2 points (1-for-4) and 2 rebounds. Which sucks.

The Media: Everybody was falling all over themselves yesterday to praise Kobe Bryant and his 48 points, and they were very quick to defend him for taking 44 shots to do it. Because they were all good shots, right? Yeah. All 44 were good shots. That's why he missed 23 of them? I would argue that if Kobe Bryant is the greatest scorer in the league, and he got 44 "good" shots, then shouldn't he have hit at least half of them, if not more than half of them? I tend to think so. Especially after Lebron scored 51 points last night in only 28 shots. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's three more points than Kobe scored on 16 fewer shot attempts. And he hit 18 of those shots (64 percent). And he had 9 assists (compared to Kobe's 2). That, my friends, is an efficient, unselfish performance.

For those of you who are arguing that all of Kobe's shots against Seattle were good shots, let's take a look at his shot chart from that game:


As you can see, he was 2-for-9 from three-point range. Now, the shot chart provides detailed information about each shot (thanks, CBS Sportsline). Three of Kobe's three-pointers were lofted from at least 30 feet out (30, 31, and 33 feet to be precise). Look, I know Kobe's good and all, but is a 30-foot shot ever really a good shot? I'm talking percentages here. Two more were hoisted from 28 feet away. I feel the need to point out the obvious here, but the further you go from the basket, the lower the percentage chance that your shot will go in. That's Basketball 101, people.

The bottom line: Love on Kobe all you want. Really. But please don't try to defend his 44-shot bombing run by telling me that they were all good shots, okay?

[Okay. I must now clense myself for praising Lebron.]

Update: Additional insight from Basketbawful reader Chris: "That basketball-reference.com site you linked in the above article isn't half bad. After looking over it some, Kobe's latest 44 FG attempt game ranks as the 6th highest FG attempts in a game...of all time. Spots 2, 4, and 5 on the all time list are also taken by him, as well as about 1/4 of the rest of them listed. Conversely, Kobe's 48 points didn't even make their leaderboard. It stops at 100 positions, with 51 being the lowest."

Houston Rockets: Ah, there's nothing quite like letting a celler-dwelling team like the Sixers end their seven-game losing streak against you. But here's what I find both confusing and (if I'm a Rockets fan) horrifying: Yao Ming, the team's leading scorer, got 11 shots, while Rafer Alston got 17 and Luther Head got 20. You read that correctly: Luther Head shot the ball 20 times. That should be a good week for Head, not a single game. That ties his career-high, by the way (the other time came against the Warriors on December 15, 2006). It's not even the number of shot attempts in and of itself that bothers me; it's the fact that he only hit six of them. Was there any legitimate reason for Head to continue shooting at that rate? Do you think Rick Adelman saw the box score after the game and made that whiny face he used to make when his Blazers and Kings teams used to choke games in the playoffs? I like to think so.

Phoenix Suns: Everything that's wrong with this team was on display again last night. Bad defense (the Clippers shot a season-high 52.5 percent). Bad rebounding (the Clips pounded the Suns on the boards 47-36). Steve Nash couldn't keep a hand in the opposing point guard's face (38-year-old Sam Cassell broke out of a four-game 7-for-31 slump to score 32 points on 15-of-21 shooting). And Amare Stoudemire couldn't keep the opposing center off the glass (Chris Kaman had 18 rebounds, 5 of which were offensive). These problems were compounded by the fact that the Suns couldn't score, either: 90 points (20 below their average) on 40 percent shooting (9 percentage points below their average). An ugly game, and an ugly loss for the Suns. And it bodes ill for Thursday night's rematch with the Lakers.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, cancer, Chicago Bulls, Darko, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, john paxson, media, Minnesota Timberwolves, Phoenix Suns, Washington Wizards

Until now, I've taken the Bulls annual early-season nose dive with a grain of salt. I chalked it up to the heavy reliance of jump-shooting combined with November rust, topped off with a crippling stretch of road games to accommodate a traveling sideshow. The past three years, the Bulls started off 9-16, 12-19, 3-9. We've been down this road before.

I shrugged it off and casually said to the man they call Basketbawful, "If the Bulls are still under .500 in January, Skiles might be in trouble". In retrospect, that statement isn't entirely wrong. The Bulls are looking down the barrel of a sub-.500 December, and are coming off back-to-back losses by nearly 20 points. A 14-win January? Were the 2007 playoffs that long ago?

The question: Is Scott Skiles responsible for Ben Gordon, Kirk Hinrich, and Ben Wallace devolving into Juan Dixon, Steve Blake, and Michael Cage? Is Skiles accountable for the Kwame Brown-like work ethic of Tyrus Thomas? Was Skiles the one that dealt LaMarcus Aldridge for this guy?

To some people, the answer is yes. Scott Skiles is canned and there will be a little more bourbon in his egg nog tonight. That sound you hear is Isiah Thomas laughing. At all of us. Again. Happy Holidays!

Labels: assholes, Chicago Bulls, john paxson, scott skiles

Well, Kobe trade rumors are flying around again today, with prognosticators saying he could most likely end up with the Bulls. While this would no doubt be a boon to the commercial profitability of the Bulls and to new Kobe jersey sales, the Bulls shouldn’t do it.

Why?

We all know what the Bulls would have to give up to get him - Ben Gordon and Luol Deng. While Gordon has been quietly - and sometimes not-so-quietly - considered very tradable (he’s undersized and overhyped), Luol Deng, by contrast, is the future of the Bulls – even more so than Kobe could ever be, even more so than Elton Brand ever might have been.

Am I saying that Deng's upside is better than Kobe’s? Within the context of this team, you bet. This is an unselfish group that plays more like the Spurs than the Cavs, and to introduce a far-more-selfish-than-LeBron-has-ever-been player like Kobe will upset the apple cart. Not to mention that we all just saw how Spurs-style team ball easily trumped Cavs-style LeBron ball in the Finals.

Deng is unflappable, unselfish and a future all-star. He was fantastic against the Heat in the playoffs and showed plenty of spirit against the Pistons. This Bulls team, as it stands, is very close to being the best in the East. With another year of experience, they are poised to be better than the Pistons and the Cavaliers. Note to John Paxson: if you decide to dramatically alter this current chemistry, you had better be right. The Bulls are already an exciting, dynamic, crowd-drawing, playoff-calibre team. If you mess with that just to get a superstar name on the roster, you had better be right that it will produce a winner.

Possible exception: If you can manage to get Kobe while keeping Deng – perhaps with a Ben Gordon / Ben Wallace or Tyrus Thomas / draft picks trade – then consider it. But only consider it. Getting Kobe is not a no-brainer. Even if you keep the critical pieces of the team in tact, and retain enough talent and positive attitudes to maybe offset Kobe's monster ego, introducing a player-slash-personality like Kobe is a complete team makeover. This is a guy who Phil Jackson and Shaq had a tough time handling; you seriously expect Scott Skiles to keep him in line? Granted, Skiles is a bulldog, and I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley without a kickass set of Chinese throwing stars, but he doesn't have Kobe-cred. Kobe would, by default, be more powerful than the coach, and that is a disaster waiting to happen. It's already a disaster for the Lakers, but they wouldn't admit it for a second. Don't be surprised if they take just a little bit less than you might expect to get rid of the cancer that is Kobe Bryant.

All in all, keeping the status quo would be wise for the Bulls. They are on the verge of turning a very big corner as a team, and the best move by John Paxson would be no move at all. Unless, of course, he LIKES cancer.

Not for me, baby. I'm Kobe Bryant, dammit."

Labels: Chicago Bulls, john paxson, Kobe Bryant, luol deng