Welcome to a little thing I like to call THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE.
I hate dating myself, but I grew up in the 1980s. And during the 80s, nothing -- and I really do mean nothing -- was cooler than robots. If you slapped the word "robot" onto a product, somebody would buy it no matter how un-robot-y it really was. This is the only sane explanation for how horrors like Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords were made.

Sure, GBotRL set the gold standards for robots that transformed into rocks, but that still doesn't explain why the hell some fool thought kids wanted to play with robots that became regular, mundane objects. Why not create a line of toys called "Living Room Furniture Lords" or "Random Office Supplies Lords." As an aside, the Wikipedia entry for the Rock Lords states: "Rock Lords was not a successful toy line." Which is like saying "I have an 80th level Death Knight in Wrath of the Lich King!" was not a successful pickup line.

But I digress.

Unfortunately, mankind's wonder with robots was way ahead of its ability to create real, working robots. So instead, we had to make due with crappy fake robots like Johnny-Five and Small Wonder. And as far as toys went, the best we had was Robotix. Which was great if you considered building a car that rolled slowly across the floor or a making a plastic dinosour thingie that "moved" by even more slowly opening and closing it's mouth a robotic wonder.

I probably don't have to tell you that a lot has changed since the 1980s. Mankinds fascination with robots has given way to an even greater fascination with Internet porn. But that hasn't stopped scientists from building better robots. And by "better" I mean they are actual robots.

Introducing the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit:

Welcome BIOLOID to the world's first truly diverse and interchangeable robot platform.

The Bioloid Multi-bot is the first robot of its kind to be built around serially controlled servo technology. This allows the user to construct a wide variety of robot configurations, including the autonomous exploration robot, quadruped puppy robot, hexapod spider robot, dinosaur robot and bi-pedal humanoid...all with one controller board.

That's awesome! But -- just like a complete double rainbow -- I can't help wondering what it all means.

The Bioloid is a robot kit where the user can build anything they desire, just like the Lego sets. But unlike the Lego sets, the robot is built with blocks that are actuated, so the joints can move. The name "Bioloid" comes from the words "Bio" + "all" + "oid" meaning that any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

Well, the vagina is a living thing, official Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid User's Guide. Can I build that in the form of a robot? Actually, don't answer that. Please.

Now, here's where this robot kit starts to edge into creepy "I might accidentally build something that comes back from the future to kill my mom before I'm born" territory:

With the use of a distance sensor, sound sensor, and feedback from the joints, the robot can be programmed to operate autonomously. For example, you can build a robot dog that gets up when it hears a clap and sits down when it hears two claps, or a robot that bows when a person comes close. You can also make a robot that avoids obstacles or a robot that plays with a ball. A robot that can move by the pressing of buttons or by using the remote control (option) can also be built. Using the provided software, even people without a background in robotics can easily program these kinds of robot movements.

You know, I've seen plenty of robot-themed movies, and building robots that operate autonomously rarely ends well for anybody who isn't the robot. And do we really want "people without a background in robotics" building things that can think and act on their own? I might as well just resign myself to having my organs harvested for use in giant battery pods when the machines inevitably take over.

Damn. I really liked my pancreas.

Now, even though whoever invented the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid clearly intended to bring about the end of human existence, the official user's guide still had to take part in some legal ass covering. For, you know, the transition period before President Obama is replaced by a cybernetic duplicate.

The user is responsible for any accidents that occur while building the robot. Before starting, please remember the following.

Read and study the manual before starting.

The recommended age for this product is 12 years and older. Those under 15 years must work under supervision.

Only use the recommended tools and do not use any dangerous tools, such as knives or drills.

Do not work on this product if you are feeling sick or feel fatigue, and especially under influence of alcohol.

Keep the robot away from your face.

Keep the robot or its parts away from children.

Be careful not to get your finger be caught between the joints.

Resistance is futile. Your human mind will be broken.

ZRRRKKT! DIE, FLESHBAG!!

I realize this probably sounds rather negative. And it is. But I'm a big believer in the following tenet: If you can't beat the rush of oncoming robot apocalypse, you should join it.

That's why $2,999.00 plus shipping and handling seems like a reasonable amount of money to spend on creating a robot me that will replace the human me shortly after cold metal feet have stomped over the broken remains of my laser-blasted skeleton. Or maybe I'll just try to recreate the 1986 Boston Celtics so they can forever play for my enjoyment.

After all, any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

Labels: Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit, Christmas list

This product is pretty much as insideous as it looks.
The SpyMall Web site provides a great many ways to willingly violate someone's consitutional right to privacy. That's assuming you live in a country where the government has promised to always protect your privacy until it becomes super important to secretly violate it.

Consider yourselves warned, terrorists.

But SpyMall doesn't just let you snoop, restrain and deal out swift justice in the form of speeding lead projectiles. The site also provides an entire page devoted enitrely to revenge:

Unlike some of the other companies that you will encounter on the web and elsewhere, Brandon Enterprises likes to think of itself as a well-rounded company with something for everyone. This is true whether you are one of our many friends in the Law Enforcement field, or just someone who has the odds stacked against them. Our primary objective is to help put the odds in YOUR favor. Whatever your mission, whatever your situation, -- WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!

This section of our virtual store is dedicated to products which give you the power to take back control of your life and put the fear of God into your enemies. As you will soon see, many of these marvels of chemistry and electronics have been adapted from the many gadgets used by intelligence operatives. Others were designed with one specific, yet wonderfully diabolical purpose in mind, GETTING-EVEN...

SpyMall then engages in some serious cover-our-ass-ing:

PLEASE NOTE: Brandon Enterprises does not condone or recommend the use of any of these products to inflict harm, injury, or mental anguish on any third party. These devices are sold strictly for novelty purposes and should not be used without the other persons consent. (Of course your already knew this, right?) Enjoy.

SpyMall then provides access to a whole series of sinister products that no sane and/or conscious human beign would ever consent to come into contact with. Not even somebody with a human ashtray fetish.

The most insideous of these products are collected in The Ultimate Revenge Kit:

Revenge can truly be sweet, -- especially if you have a fully equipped bag of tricks ready to deploy at a moments notice. This special kit offers you one of each of our unique revenge chemicals, (15-in-all) in a special padded, lockable, hard carry case. Chemicals included: Nasty Yellow Teeth, Hellfire & Brimstone, Un-Natural Gas, Evacuator, Sneezing Powder, Green Gas, Lock-Out Drops, Liquid Key Scratch, Vomit Fluid, Liquid Nightmare, The Blob, Stink Bomb, Liquid Roadkill, Blood Capsules, & Purple Rain. Purchased separately, the items contained in this kit would cost you over $175.00!!! Warning: These chemicals should not be used on someone without their consent.

You'll have to go to the site for a full description of these products. But I here's a description of the Evacuator:

The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent.

Evacuation "via the natural route"? Pussies. My kind of revenge includes evacuation via totally unnatural routes. Because nothing says "revenge" like some poor sucker shitting uncontrollably through his eyes.

Also, I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that.

At any rate, assuming another Celtics-Lakers Finals next summer, I'm going to have one of these babies shipped to every single hotel L.A. could possibly stay in. So if Kobe misses a few games due to deadly ass explosions, well, there's no need to thank me.

Labels: Christmas list, The Ultimate Revenge Kit

"Ssshhhh! Don't tell anybody how fucking awesome I am."
I love going to live sporting events. Where else can you pay hundreds of dollars in tickets and concessions to watch fat guys gyrate during timeouts or see two topless guys in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint perform gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's rippling bodies?

And the 2010-11 Chicago Matadors added a real midget? Awesome.

That kind of high-quality entertainment isn't cheap. And sadly, like many fans, I can't enjoy that level of splendor very often. Mostly because I could have my entire body rebuilt out of bionic parts and gold bars for the cost of a few beers at the United Center. Not that I mind paying $8 for a four-ounce plastic cup of Miller Lite. Oh, wait. I do mind. A lot.

But...what if I could sneak in 80 ounces of my own beer? Well, I can. And so can you. Just use the Beer Belly:

Hot, right?
From the product description:

You can use the Beer Belly to hold either cold or hot beverages.

When worn under your clothes you just look like a dude sporting a nice beer gut.The bladder has a wide mouth opening allowing for the addition of ice (Margarita Time) and for easy cleaning.

The Beer Belly comes with the sling and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit users up to 6'8" and up to a 40" waist.

Made of neoprene, the sling insulates you and will feel like real flesh under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of the beverage of your choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch inside the sling .

80 oz of beer... that's more than a 6 pack! Strap one on today! A perfect gift for your beer guzzling pals and family members!!

A perfect gift for everybody more like it! At a mere $34.95 plus S&H, the Beer Belly will pay for itself one round of drinks into the next live sporting event you attend.

Oh, and don't think I've forgotten about you, ladies. I present the Wine Rack:

Horrifying man face not included.
From the product description:

That's Drea, who is NOT, no offense, well endowed. Sporting the Wine Rack and Voila! She’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money.

Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash!

With simple blow into the tube it's easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.

Free liquor and bigger boobs? Everybody wins! Except for the people running the stadium. But don't worry about them. They eat babies.

Labels: Beer Belly, Christmas list

Okay, people. Here's something you can give me that will only cost a few extra clicks with your keyboard-callused fingers: Vote for Basketbawful in the 2008 Sports Blogger of the Year Tournament running over at Busted Coverage. But hurry. The first round ends Friday night at 11 p.m. EST.

Labels: Christmas list, vote for Basketbawful

My name's not Pip and I don't have any "great expectations" per se...but if you'd like to be my mysterious benefactor, then this post is for you. Somebody is selling two courtside tickets to the Celtics-Lakers game on Christmas day for a mere $8,500! That's a pretty small price to pay for my holiday happiness, don't you think? So small, in fact, that you should probably go ahead and throw in air fare, the cost of a reasonably swanky hotel, and some walking around money. Thanks in advance. And no, you cannot have the extra ticket.

Now, I admit, I'm a wee bit skeptical, especially since the item description box says the tickets are for the Rose Bowl. But how can I possibly NOT trust an eBay listing that provides the following rock-solid proof of authenticity:

Oh, well if your boobs say the tickets are real...
The best part of this auction, though, is the seller's pitch: "Sit like Jack [Nicholson]...on the wood!" Wow. I didn't think Jack swung that way...he seemed so homophobic in As Good As It Gets.

Now, don't think I'm not sensitive to the finanacial woes you might be suffering in this lagging economy. So if you can't affort the 10K or so I'll need for the game, you can go ahead and get me this Glen "Big Baby" Davis jersey, which is only $550. It's classified as game worn/used even though he only wore it to a photo shoot. But whatever. At least the seller guarantees that it was the jersey he was wearing when this photo of him eating a basketball was taken.

For Big Baby, even having a picture taken is hungry work.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Christmas list, eBay, Los Angeles Lakers, tickets

I might have found the most 'bawful NBA-related Christmas gift of all. A site called HumorousT-shirts, which specializes in "funny t-shirts with jokes, quotes and slogans," provides a category called Basketball Quotes. For a mere $16.99 (plus S&H), you can have one of their pre-selected quotes emblazoned on a cheap white or gray t-shirt. (Note that the gray t-shirt costs an extra $3 for some reason. Possibly because it deflects cosmic rays.)

Warning: Actual t-shirt will not look this cool.
Here's how HumorousT-shirts.com describes this very special offering:

"Basketball quotes on t-shirts will make your obnoxiously tall friends burst out in laughter. The basketball quotes on these tees are from the most famous names in the game. So, show a little respect and buy a few funny t-shirts with famous basketball quotes on them and then show yourself off to the whole gang."

You know, I've been looking for something that would bring some LOLs into the life of my obnoxiously tall friends. All none of them. Oh, and those "most famous names in the game" include such basketball immortals as Nik Posa ("A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating."), Dan Frisby ("Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative."), Shannon Fish ("If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.") and the mysterious Author Unknown ("My responsibility is getting all my players playing for the name on the front of the jersey, not the one on the back."

For me, though, the real hook was the quote at the bottom of the page, under the heading "Hear what the athletes are saying about our t-shirt with basketball quotes."

"Yo, dude, these represent the finest basketball quotes from the biggest names in the history of the game. Do some respecting and buy some t-shirts with these great basketball quotes on them. Don't be a fool and act real cool, when you're not. Only these funny basketball quotes on these t-shirts will make you halfway cool. The other half you have to do on your own." - Larry Bird

Uh huh. If Larry Bird really said that, I'll use my 1986 World Champion Boston Celtics replica banner as a table cloth. Oops. I do that already. Never mind.

Labels: cheap products, Christmas list, quotes, t-shirts

Look, I know that a certain segment of the Basketbawful demographic consists of nerds who love watching and/or playing the game of basketball. Mind you, this is not a criticism, since it pretty much describes, well, me. (For further details, please refer to my profile picture.) And in case you wanted something -- other than this site, of course -- that allows you to seamlessly blend your irrepressible geekdom WITH your appreciation of the world's greatest sport, I have just the product for you: Star Wars-themed basketball jerseys!

First up, Darth Vadar's "Dark Side" jersey. You know, in case you've ever fantasized about using telekinesis or a laser sword to kill your opponents. And let's face it: Who hasn't? This baby is a flat-out bargain at $1oo...especially when you consider that this Antoine Walker jersey could set you back almost $300. The Vader jersey is your destiny. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Breathing like Darth Vader is totally optional.Further human contact, on the other hand, is not.
If you're less "entrenched autocracy" and more of a "mysterious loner with floating morals" kind of guy or gal, you could go for the Boba Fett Assassins team jersey. Bonus: This jersey comes with a woven label patch that describes the character history of Boba Fett. You know, so you have something to do whien you're playing ball by yourself. Which, trust me, you will be. Possibly forever.

Warning: Wearing this jersey will not make you cool.It will actually remove all the cool from you. Forever.
Now, if you're one of those goody-goody types who wants to uphold truth and justice and all that other crap, then just get the almost criminally uncool Jedi jersey. It has a woven patch that tells you about Yoda's exciting life, much of which was spent living in a swamp.

The Force is not with you, Young Jedi. Trust me.
And, of course, if you really hate your genitals and hope to never again have the opportunity to use them, Cargo Bay offers Star Wars jerseys for every major sport.

Labels: Boba Fett, Christmas list, Darth Vader, Jedi, Star Wars

Best Christmas gift ever.
The Memphis Grizzlies are auctioning off the jersey Darko Milicic ripped in half the other night! Oh yes they most certainly are:

MEMPHIS, December 9, 2008 — When the Memphis Grizzlies said that they were going to provide fans with the opportunity to bid on one-of-a-kind team memorabilia as part of their Online Auction Series, they weren’t kidding. On the auction block starting December 11 at 9 a.m. is the game worn jersey that Darko Milicic ripped in last night’s 109-97 win over the Houston Rockets.

Darko Milicic did his best Incredible Hulk impersonation during the third quarter of the Grizzlies second consecutive home victory last night. The remnants of the jersey, which include a rip down the center that is more than a foot and a half long, will include a personalized autograph from Milicic addressed to the highest bidder.

All proceeds from the online auction benefit the Memphis Grizzlies House at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Grizzlies House has the capacity to serve up to 100 families each night and provides a free, safe and comfortable alternative to staying in a hotel.

I want it, I want it, I want it! (Even if, as J.E. Skeets noted, Darko was more "Hulk Hogan" than "Incredible Hulk.") Find out how you can get this for me here, or use conventional methods: e-mail auctions@grizzlies.com or call (901) 205-1254. I promise if you get it for me, I'll never wear anything else.

[Thanks to Kevin for the head's up.]

Labels: Christmas list, Darko, fan submissions

The most common complaint leveled against this site by the various anti-me critics out there is this: "Did you even watch the game?" I have been asked that question, or some variation thereof, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. In order to clear up any future confusion, here's the answer: Yes, I did in fact watch the game. It doesn't matter what game you're talking about, I watched it. I find time to eat, drink, commute into and out of Chicago, work my full-time Clark Kent job, manage two blogs and write the occasional post for Deadspin, play in pickup leagues two or three nights a week, run, bike, work on increasing my vertical leap, have a social life, help the elderly across the street, put out forest fires and watch every single NBA game every night.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. You don't have to tell me. I live this life.

Now, you're probably wondering how I manage to do all that without the aid of a Dr. Horrible-style Freeze Ray or a time-traveling DeLorean. Well, it's like this: I exist on what you'd call a "limited sleeping schedule." Basically, I nap for 20 minutes here and there, every couple days or so. This means that those rare free moments when I have the chance for a little shuteye are drastically important. And that's why I'm asking you, dear readers, to consider donating one of personkind's most ingenious inventions: The Vertical Bed.

Asleep. Yet standing up. And looking cool while doing it.
And here's the full description:

Vertical Bed is a sort of static prostheses that allows a person to fall asleep in a standing position. By bolting into cracks between the sidewalks, subway grates, or other rigid contact points, the suit will support it’s wearer with a minimum of visible hardware or occupied space, holding the sleeper’s weight with concealed harnesses. One-sided privacy will be achieved through noise canceling headphones and double-mirrored sunglasses. Additionally, an umbrella will clip in the rigid infrastructure for shelter. The project is designed for the visual performance of an alternate way of occupying urban space, born partly out of fantasies of minimal need and elegant futurism, and partly out of fears of the dehumanization of space. Occupants will absorb the vertical structure of urban architecture into their bodies.

The vertical sleeper is in a constant state of readiness, never succumbing to collapse. Homelessness is most often marked by the forbidden act of lying down on the sidewalk, an act that the vertical bed circumvents. The vertical bed will imply a streamlined, rather than failed, infrastructure. All of the components of the bed will store beneath a suit and within a business-person’s briefcase, using the proliferation of autonomous consumer devices to achieve a more true autonomy. By hiding in the open, the vertical sleepers forgo even the need for a phone booth to enact their super-hero transformations, in a sense, absolving themselves of the need for secret identities.

Stand-up sleeping, social change and superheroics. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway: The Vertical Bed can be stripped down and stored in a suitcase...which means that, as long as your feeble arms can carry a medium-sized piece of luggage, a short nap will never be more than several minutes worth of complicated construction away!

It also transforms into a crime-fighting robot.But, uh, some assembly is required.

Labels: Christmas list, crazy inventions, vertical bed

Some people can feel alone in a locker room full of teammates (coughStephonMarburycough), while others long for a sense of privacy so complete they'd like to construct a little soundproof room inside of another room and thus realize their dream of complete and total isolation from mankind. Well, if you're that kind of raging agoraphobe, then Yamaha's My Room II is probably for you.
My Room II: When your sad little life isn't prison enough.
My Room II is a fully-enclosed vault for one that acts as a little home inside your home, providing silence and sanctuary from life's annoying distractions. Like, for instance, the emaciated pet you haven't fed or watered for weeks. (I promise it's feeble moaning and scratching won't bother you inside your self-imposed exile.) Or the parent who keeps screaming at you to "stop playing that [expletive] 'World of Warships' game and get a [double-expletive] job!" (Sure thing, mom. Let me know next time you see an opening for "Death Knight" or "Shaman" on Monster.com.)

MRII is "1.5 Tatami mats" big -- which apparently works out to about four and a half by six feet -- so there's only enough room for you, a (small) desk, a chair and your entertainment device of choice. But hey, MRII users WANT to be alone. So very, very alone. In addition to insulation from all things human, MRII also offers touch panel controls, air conditioning, and an adjustable lighting system. Yeah, it's a little pricy as far as "escape from the world" products go: ¥664,650 (about $6,500). But you have to admit, it sure beats masturbating to Internet porn at the public library. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

I think you can buy MRII on Yamaha's official site, but I don't speak Yamahaese, so who knows. However, despite my linguistic ignorance, I did discover a series of diagrams that show off the many uses of My Room II. Such as: Studying!


Watching TV!


Rock starring!


And "hobby"! Which, uh, I guess involves cutting things up with a knife. Which isn't all that surprising if you think about it, since every potential MRII user is probably a serial killer just waiting to happen.

Not pictured: Your choice of victims.

Labels: Christmas list, complete and total isolation, My Room II

I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I couldn't stop being awesome even if I wanted to. So it kinds of goes without saying that I receive lengthy, appreciative applause from almost everyone I meet almost everywhere I go. But, believe it or not, there's a dark flipside to the type of universal acclaim I enjoy: I've come to kind of expect it.

Unfortunately, even I can't be surrounded by admirers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That would be physically impossible. I mean, a moth flies to close to the flame and it's gonna get burned, you know? And -- I understand this is going to be difficult -- forget about me for a second. What about all the poor schmucks out there who NEVER get cheered on because of what I'm assuming is their lame and inescapable non-awesomeness? I know you'll agree that there's nothing sadder than the sound of one hand clapping while the other one wipes away tears that will never fade. Luckily for me and those other humanoids, there's a solution to our unique but strangely similar problems: Applause machines!

Pictured: The "live audience" used for SNL screenings.
The Applause Machine was designed by British artist Martin Smith "for when your ideas are great but no one else agrees." Constructed of powder-coated steel, brass, Walnut wood, and plastic, the device claps at the push of a button using a motor that runs on two AAA batteries. Available in a range of five simple colors, the Applause Machine is small enough (about 18 inches tall) to fit almost anywhere you might deserve to be applauded: By the toilet, in the shower, near the bed where you have sex (or the desk where you masturbate furiously to Internet porn), next to the World of Warcraft gaming station in your parent's basement, and so on.

The Applause Machine is currently available online at Laikingland (and a limited number of retail stores in the UK and the Netherlands) for £195.00. I have no idea what that is in real money (known as "American dollars"), but seriously, are you going to let price stand in the way of having instant approval any time you want it? Or, more importantly, any time I want it? I think not. And you'd better hurry; according to the Laikingland site, the last date to place an order for Christmas is December 12th. You can either have it sent directly to my secure PO box or give it to me in person, hopefully wrapped in super models.

Bonus video footage: Watch in rapt astonishment as the Applause Machine...claps.

Labels: applause machines, Christmas list, I am so freaking awesome, I'm sorry you aren't as awesome as I am it's not your fault, self-love

Thanks to Honda's new robot legs, soon even walkingwill be obsolete. Can I get a "Yay, Science!"...?
If you're anything like me -- and I hope for your sake that you are -- then there are countless times on any given day when you find yourself thinking: "Gee, I really wish I didn't have to use my legs right now." Like, for instance, when retrieving the remote control from three feet away, walking (read that: stumbling/shuffling/crawling) home from the bar, or standing up off the toilet. (Because sometimes I get really involved in the book I'm reading and the hard plastic seat makes my lower half feel all numb and lifeless. Much like Hubie Brown.) Well, here's some good news: We might soon be able to eliminate these and other annoying leg-necessary life tasks by using Honda Motor Company's new robot legs.

Honda, makers of many fine robotic products that will one day violently wipe humanity off the face of the earth, recently unveiled its experimental "walking assist device," which helps support bodyweight to reduce the load on an individual's legs while walking, going up and down stairs, crouching, and giving pure evil a big old kick in its fiendish ass. The device is designed for people who can walk on their own but simply don't want to (or can benefit from additional leg and body support ). This is ideal for factory workers, old people, and the exceptionally lazy.

The device is basically a bike seat with a jointed frame and shoes that can be easily slipped into and strapped on. Sounds childishly simple, I know, but here's where glorious Science comes in for the save: The robo-legs have two motors that are controlled by signals from sensors inside the shoes AND a built-in mechanism that directs the assisting force toward the user's center of gravity so that you can control the assist force in concert with blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah. The point is, the device allows you to use your legs in almost any natural way while it supports your body weight and absorbs all the stressful pounding. Kind of like a robot-leg version of Tera Patrick.

Here's the bad news: Pricing and commercial product plans are still undecided. However, Honda has already begun testing the prototype with its assembly line workers. So, if you think about it, we're this much closer to fully functional mechanical suits that will allow us to take back the night from the world's most dangerous super villains. One small step for silly-looking robot legs, one giant leap...FOR JUSTICE.

Bonus video: Here are the robo-legs in glorious, goose-stepping action.

Labels: Christmas list, robot legs, robots, the machines will be taking over soon you dirty fleshbags

Go ahead. Shoot me. Just, uh, aim for the hanky, okay?
Now that I've fully recovered from my annual turkey coma, it's time to move on to highly important and life-altering matters: Providing you with ideas of what to buy me for Christmas. (Quick hint: When in doubt, choose "ridiculously expensive" over "fiscally responsible." Just to be safe.) I'll be giving you plenty of ideas over the next 20 days or so, but keep in mind that I still haven't received half of the things from last year's list. I'm not saying you owe me anything for all the free humor I make available on an almost-daily basis, but you totally do. What are you waiting for? Next Christmas?

Anyway, when I'm out on the town rocking a totally awesome suit, I still feel a little naked. And I finally figured out why that is: My suit can't repel gunfire, which seems like a pretty major design oversight for a crimefighting champion of justice like myself. But what can I do, short of hiring Tony Stark as my personal tailor? I have a two-word answer for you: bulletproof hanky.

The bulletproof handkerchief, provided exclusively by Liborius, is made out of military grade Kevlar Arimid and can be folded into squares that fit into most breast pockets. I know you'll agree that it's a damn shame Stephon Marbury didn't have one of these when his teammates were shooting him in the head. Also, I bet the Giants wish they'd wrapped Plaxico Burress in one of these before he went clubbing. However, before you drape one of these babies over your chest and start waging a one-man war on crime, you should probably know that there's a disclaimer: "The store and designer take NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way." So you can feel secure in the knowledge that your gentleman's square can stop a bullet if necessary...but it's probably best for you and the body you live in if it's never, ever necessary.

I know what you're saying. What's the fun in being invincible if you're stuck in a stuffy suit all the time. Well, if you're more of a "business casual" kind of guy, then you're in luck: There's also a bulletproof polo shirt on the market. The shirt -- offered by Columbian designer Miguel Caballero, who has been dubbed the "Armani of armor" -- is made of ultra-lightweight, bullet-proof fabric and features removable ballistic panels designed to offer protection from weaponry ranging from a 9mm pistol to an Uzi. Let's see the humanoids mock your "preppie" attire when you're wading through Uzi blasts without a scratch.

The bulletproof polo retails for about $12,000 and it's part of Caballero's Black Label line, which includes a bulletproof tuxedo shirt. You know, in case you want to attend a wedding without suffering all that "I might get shot in the chest" anxiety. (Although, to be fair, you probably should have thought about that before you slept with your best friend's fiance.)

Because even douchebags like this guy should be freefrom the threat of unplanned gunshot wounds.

Labels: bulletproof, Christmas list, handkerchiefs, polo shirts, suit up, tuxedos

Mankind continues to search in vain for answers to life's greatest mysteries. Does God exist? Are we alone in the universe? What the hell happened to Michael Jackson's face? And how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

But one of my personal favorites is this: What could possibly be cooler than playing the air guitar? Well, we finally have the answer: Playing air guitar and actually making real guitar sounds. Researchers at CSIRO Textile and Fibre Technology in Geelong Australia have invented the Wearable Instrument Shirt. The WIS allows you to play your air guitar by waving your arms around like an idiot and pretending your a super mega rockstar.

"Bwaaarrrgh, bum, waaaarrrgh, waaaarrgh!!"
Dr. Richard Helmer (pictured above), lead engineer on the WIS project, had this to say: "Our company's spellcasters have stolen the souls of countless aspiring musicians and used the dark art of necromancy to lock them into these shirts, which come in sizes small, medium, large, and extra-large. We then attached a wearable sensor interface to bend these disembodied spirts to our will. The result is an easy-to-use, virtual instrument that allows real-time music making that sounds much like the wailing cry of a thousand lost dreams."

Labels: Christmas list, Instrument, Shirt

According to the world's leading food experts, breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day. In fact, based on their latest findings, if you didn't eat breakfast this morning you're probably too dead to read this. Ironically, these same experts were so busy informing us of the impending food-pocalypse that they had to skip breakfast themselves...and are now dead.

Let's face it, most of us skip breakfast (and yes, the burning sensation in your gut is called "hunger"). Why do we do it? Because after hitting the snooze button 11 times, we barely have time to make it to work, let alone brew coffee, fry an egg, and burn some toast. But can you imagine a Utopian future where you could make your breakfast in one step, and do it fast?

Well, welcome to paradise my friends. The mad scientists over at Japan's Chuo Sangyo have invented the world's first toast-coffee-egg maker. It's called the Wake Up Morning Set. It allows you make your entire breakfast in under 10 minutes using a single appliance. It also looks like something you'd see in "Back To The Future." Which means it would have looked totally rad back in 1985. But still.

They say this appliance has "everything." But I don't see a "View Porn While Waiting For Breakfast" button.

Labels: Christmas list

One of life's greatest joys, other than yoga for men, is the practical joke. It combines ingenuity and humiliation with the added bonus of making you look a little bit smarter than the person you just punked. I was a notorious prankster in college, where my favorite joke involved dumping a bucket of cold water over the bathroom stall door and onto someone taking a dump. Good times, goot times...

Those days are long gone, however, and I've found that practical jokery in the workplace has to be a little bit more, well, subtle. And that's where the Annoy-a-tron comes in.

"This'll teach you to use my coffee mug, bitch."
This nefarious little device is tiny (2.5" x 1.25" x .3") and has an embedded magnet, so you can hide it pretty much anywhere that anything is. It then generates a short beep every few minutes. Even better, the beeps vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes, which should make the noise harder to anticipate and (therefore) harder to find.

So plant the Annoy-a-tron, sit back, relax, practice your "muwahahahaha"-style laughter, and wait for your friend/co-worker/family member/hated rival to go slowly but surely insane.

Labels: Annoy-a-tron, Christmas list, practical jokes

I have virtually everything a man could reasonably ask for: My very own sports blog, an invisible unicorn sidekick that helps me fight crime, and almost 50 percent of my original teeth. However, I can't help but feel that something is missing. I mean other than a harem comprised of obedient Lynda Carter clones. And today I finally figured out what that "something" is: A Flying Monkey With Scream Sound!!

One part flying daredevil, one partscreaming monkey, all awesome.
According to the Amazon.com product description, "The Flying Monkey is nothing short of outrageous!" Since Webster's dictionary defines "outrageous" as "grossly offensive to decency or morality," I couldn't agree more. It's basically a slingshot for which the only ammunition is, well, itself. And since the idea of a flying monkey is a little silly, the toy makers added a touch of class by dressing it in a little cape and Zorro mask. Just put your fingers in the two handpockets, pull back, let go, and watch your monkey soar into adventure. Or up to 50 feet. Whichever comes first.

"Prepare to soar into adventure, Flying Monkey.
And by 'adventure,' I mean my dumb bitch sister."
At a mere $4.99, the Flying Monkey is already a steal. But wait, there's more!! The product description says: "As an added bonus, every time you shoot him, he let's out two loud monkey calls." Well, sure. Who doesn't?

Labels: adventure, Christmas list, flying monkey

Like many people, I greatly enjoy the dulcet sounds of piano music. It is both beautiful and soothing. Sadly, I don't have a shred of musical talent. After a full year of 4th grade music class, I couldn't even play Mary Had A Little Lam on the recorder. So what are my options? I guess I could always kidnap a pianist and force them -- through the regular application of electric shock and water torture -- to perform for my twisted pleasure. But then I'd have to feed and water them, maybe even take them out for the occasional walk. And if the pile of rotting dog corpses outside my back door are any indication, I'm really not any good at that.

Fortunately, Japanese scientists have once again worked a miracle by inventing The Pianist, a disembodied robotic hand that can play the piano for you while also looking totally creepy.

I wonder if it can also play the Meat Flute?
The Pianist has been programmed to play a variety of classical piano concertos, such as Beethoven's 5th Symphony and Chopin's Minute Waltz. However, there is a slight problem. While unbelievably rad, it's still a robot. I've seen The Terminator enough times to know that animated robot hands are almost universally dangerous. Even worse, The Pianist is sound-activated (much like The Clapper), and then it just operates on its own. What if it misinterprets my "play Scott Joplin's The Entertainer" clap for my "destroy all humans" clap? Can mankind afford for me to take that chance...?

Labels: Christmas list, piano music, robots

Perverts of the world rejoice! A UK-based grad student named Joe Malia has invented a device that will allow you to post to your sports blog at work or view online porn at the public library. It's the Techno Privacy Scarf!!

Who needs dignity and self-esteemwhen you have porn and privacy?
Want to send a naughty text message on the train? Maybe watch two frisky co-eds make out while sipping coffee at your local Starbucks? Or read last night's NBA capsules over your lunch break? You can do all this and more while both maintaining your privacy and making a fashion statement. Sure, that statement is "I will die alone...so very, very alone" but why should you care? You can watch Internet porn whenever you want. They're called priorities. Look them up.

I showed these pictures to a friend, and he brought up an excellent point: What happens if you sneeze? Which led me to wonder, how the hell do you breath in that thing? Well, it just so happens that the scarf provides zippered flaps for air intake and (presumably) mucas expulsion:

See that little flap? That'll be youronly contact with the outside world.
Mr. Malia really thought of everything. He even included a special speaker in the back of the hood so that you can maintain some form of contact with your friends (if you have any left) and loved ones (assuming they still love you). Of course, that "contact" will be bizarre and dysfunctional, eventually transforming your existence into a shadowy, isolated half-life that will no doubt lead to institutionalization or suicide. I'm so glad we have people like Mr. Malia around to empower you people.

Nothing says "personal" like a speakerin the back of your privacy hood.

Labels: Christmas list, Internet porn, privacy

Those of you who have been in a crowded dance club, on a busy commuter train, or involved in an all-out NBA brawl can probably appreciate this truism: Sometimes you want to be groped, and sometimes you just want to be left alone. But how do you get that subtle point across, short of a cruel and punishing nutshot?

Well, wonder no more. Here's the latest in "back the hell off" technology: The No-Contact Jacket!!

"Touch me again and I willflash-fry your ass, douchbag."
The No-Contact Jacket is not only stylish and form-fitting, it also turns you into a street-walking stun gun. Press the switch in either palm and you can blast friends and foes alike with an 80,000-volt electrical pulse. In case you missed that, allow me to repeat: 80,000 freaking volts. Now, personally, I never made it past 3rd grade math, but that sounds like a lot to me.

Believe it or not, all that juice comes from a regular 9-volt battery that's plugged into the jacket lining. Speaking of which, the jacket is fully insulated with a layer of rubber, so you can burn your attacker to a sizzling crisp without jacking yourself up by mistake.

The No-Contact Jacket is the perfect for any NBA season ticket holders on your list. I'm pretty sure the Ron Artests and Stephen Jacksons of the world would think twice about rampaging into the stands if they knew the fans could incinerate them at will.

A few last thoughts. First, the company "would not recommend activating [the jacket] in wet or rainy conditions unless absolutely necessary." Sound advice. Second, and most importantly, if you get this jacket and at some point need to use it against me, I only ask that you say something like "Shocking!" or "Let me light up your life, scumbag!" while doing it. Oh, and please say it in an Austrian accent. That would totally rock.

Labels: Christmas list, self defense