Welcome to a little thing I like to call THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE.
I hate dating myself, but I grew up in the 1980s. And during the 80s, nothing -- and I really do mean nothing -- was cooler than robots. If you slapped the word "robot" onto a product, somebody would buy it no matter how un-robot-y it really was. This is the only sane explanation for how horrors like Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords were made.

Sure, GBotRL set the gold standards for robots that transformed into rocks, but that still doesn't explain why the hell some fool thought kids wanted to play with robots that became regular, mundane objects. Why not create a line of toys called "Living Room Furniture Lords" or "Random Office Supplies Lords." As an aside, the Wikipedia entry for the Rock Lords states: "Rock Lords was not a successful toy line." Which is like saying "I have an 80th level Death Knight in Wrath of the Lich King!" was not a successful pickup line.

But I digress.

Unfortunately, mankind's wonder with robots was way ahead of its ability to create real, working robots. So instead, we had to make due with crappy fake robots like Johnny-Five and Small Wonder. And as far as toys went, the best we had was Robotix. Which was great if you considered building a car that rolled slowly across the floor or a making a plastic dinosour thingie that "moved" by even more slowly opening and closing it's mouth a robotic wonder.

I probably don't have to tell you that a lot has changed since the 1980s. Mankinds fascination with robots has given way to an even greater fascination with Internet porn. But that hasn't stopped scientists from building better robots. And by "better" I mean they are actual robots.

Introducing the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit:

Welcome BIOLOID to the world's first truly diverse and interchangeable robot platform.

The Bioloid Multi-bot is the first robot of its kind to be built around serially controlled servo technology. This allows the user to construct a wide variety of robot configurations, including the autonomous exploration robot, quadruped puppy robot, hexapod spider robot, dinosaur robot and bi-pedal humanoid...all with one controller board.

That's awesome! But -- just like a complete double rainbow -- I can't help wondering what it all means.

The Bioloid is a robot kit where the user can build anything they desire, just like the Lego sets. But unlike the Lego sets, the robot is built with blocks that are actuated, so the joints can move. The name "Bioloid" comes from the words "Bio" + "all" + "oid" meaning that any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

Well, the vagina is a living thing, official Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid User's Guide. Can I build that in the form of a robot? Actually, don't answer that. Please.

Now, here's where this robot kit starts to edge into creepy "I might accidentally build something that comes back from the future to kill my mom before I'm born" territory:

With the use of a distance sensor, sound sensor, and feedback from the joints, the robot can be programmed to operate autonomously. For example, you can build a robot dog that gets up when it hears a clap and sits down when it hears two claps, or a robot that bows when a person comes close. You can also make a robot that avoids obstacles or a robot that plays with a ball. A robot that can move by the pressing of buttons or by using the remote control (option) can also be built. Using the provided software, even people without a background in robotics can easily program these kinds of robot movements.

You know, I've seen plenty of robot-themed movies, and building robots that operate autonomously rarely ends well for anybody who isn't the robot. And do we really want "people without a background in robotics" building things that can think and act on their own? I might as well just resign myself to having my organs harvested for use in giant battery pods when the machines inevitably take over.

Damn. I really liked my pancreas.

Now, even though whoever invented the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid clearly intended to bring about the end of human existence, the official user's guide still had to take part in some legal ass covering. For, you know, the transition period before President Obama is replaced by a cybernetic duplicate.

The user is responsible for any accidents that occur while building the robot. Before starting, please remember the following.

Read and study the manual before starting.

The recommended age for this product is 12 years and older. Those under 15 years must work under supervision.

Only use the recommended tools and do not use any dangerous tools, such as knives or drills.

Do not work on this product if you are feeling sick or feel fatigue, and especially under influence of alcohol.

Keep the robot away from your face.

Keep the robot or its parts away from children.

Be careful not to get your finger be caught between the joints.

Resistance is futile. Your human mind will be broken.

ZRRRKKT! DIE, FLESHBAG!!

I realize this probably sounds rather negative. And it is. But I'm a big believer in the following tenet: If you can't beat the rush of oncoming robot apocalypse, you should join it.

That's why $2,999.00 plus shipping and handling seems like a reasonable amount of money to spend on creating a robot me that will replace the human me shortly after cold metal feet have stomped over the broken remains of my laser-blasted skeleton. Or maybe I'll just try to recreate the 1986 Boston Celtics so they can forever play for my enjoyment.

After all, any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

Labels: Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit, Christmas list