Thanks to Honda's new robot legs, soon even walkingwill be obsolete. Can I get a "Yay, Science!"...?
If you're anything like me -- and I hope for your sake that you are -- then there are countless times on any given day when you find yourself thinking: "Gee, I really wish I didn't have to use my legs right now." Like, for instance, when retrieving the remote control from three feet away, walking (read that: stumbling/shuffling/crawling) home from the bar, or standing up off the toilet. (Because sometimes I get really involved in the book I'm reading and the hard plastic seat makes my lower half feel all numb and lifeless. Much like Hubie Brown.) Well, here's some good news: We might soon be able to eliminate these and other annoying leg-necessary life tasks by using Honda Motor Company's new robot legs.

Honda, makers of many fine robotic products that will one day violently wipe humanity off the face of the earth, recently unveiled its experimental "walking assist device," which helps support bodyweight to reduce the load on an individual's legs while walking, going up and down stairs, crouching, and giving pure evil a big old kick in its fiendish ass. The device is designed for people who can walk on their own but simply don't want to (or can benefit from additional leg and body support ). This is ideal for factory workers, old people, and the exceptionally lazy.

The device is basically a bike seat with a jointed frame and shoes that can be easily slipped into and strapped on. Sounds childishly simple, I know, but here's where glorious Science comes in for the save: The robo-legs have two motors that are controlled by signals from sensors inside the shoes AND a built-in mechanism that directs the assisting force toward the user's center of gravity so that you can control the assist force in concert with blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah. The point is, the device allows you to use your legs in almost any natural way while it supports your body weight and absorbs all the stressful pounding. Kind of like a robot-leg version of Tera Patrick.

Here's the bad news: Pricing and commercial product plans are still undecided. However, Honda has already begun testing the prototype with its assembly line workers. So, if you think about it, we're this much closer to fully functional mechanical suits that will allow us to take back the night from the world's most dangerous super villains. One small step for silly-looking robot legs, one giant leap...FOR JUSTICE.

Bonus video: Here are the robo-legs in glorious, goose-stepping action.

Labels: Christmas list, robot legs, robots, the machines will be taking over soon you dirty fleshbags

It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).

Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.

Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.

E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.

This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.

One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)

Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."


The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp

Like many people, I greatly enjoy the dulcet sounds of piano music. It is both beautiful and soothing. Sadly, I don't have a shred of musical talent. After a full year of 4th grade music class, I couldn't even play Mary Had A Little Lam on the recorder. So what are my options? I guess I could always kidnap a pianist and force them -- through the regular application of electric shock and water torture -- to perform for my twisted pleasure. But then I'd have to feed and water them, maybe even take them out for the occasional walk. And if the pile of rotting dog corpses outside my back door are any indication, I'm really not any good at that.

Fortunately, Japanese scientists have once again worked a miracle by inventing The Pianist, a disembodied robotic hand that can play the piano for you while also looking totally creepy.

I wonder if it can also play the Meat Flute?
The Pianist has been programmed to play a variety of classical piano concertos, such as Beethoven's 5th Symphony and Chopin's Minute Waltz. However, there is a slight problem. While unbelievably rad, it's still a robot. I've seen The Terminator enough times to know that animated robot hands are almost universally dangerous. Even worse, The Pianist is sound-activated (much like The Clapper), and then it just operates on its own. What if it misinterprets my "play Scott Joplin's The Entertainer" clap for my "destroy all humans" clap? Can mankind afford for me to take that chance...?

Labels: Christmas list, piano music, robots