So where does an inquisitive basketball fan go? Why, straight to your team's Web site, of course. The elements of a team Web site often give you tremendous insight into the inner workings, morale, and self-image that a team has. Sometimes, the raw, unfiltered, usually unintended "secondary message" of a team is hitting you right in the face, and other times, you need to dig a little deeper. If you're persistent, you can always learn something that your other news outlets simply cannot report to you through their traditional means.
Let's begin:
Bulls:
Simple promotion to get some prep kids to shop with past and present Bulls players, or desperate attempt to find another opportunity to blatantly trot out the 6 Larry O'Briens? The last championship was in 1998, people! Furthermore, is MJ aware you took those out of his house for this photo shoot?
Secondary message: "Enjoy the six we've got, folks, because with all the talk about Derrick Rose winning us another six, we're not holding our breath."
This not only reminds me how Bears fans keep harkening back to 1986 (when they trounced my beloved Pats), but also makes me sad knowing that Tom Brady, Rodney Harrison and the Frozen head of Bob Kraft are going to hold a black-tie cotillion for their three Lombardi trophies in the year 2035.
Onward...
Celtics:
This is a small, unassuming part of the Celtics home page, but it speaks volumes. This poll should read: "Which of these players will contribute least to a loss so humiliating that you drink far too much at the game, attempt to drive home from the TD Garden, get pulled ovah by a statey on the Mass turnpike, blow a .15, get charged with DUI and ruin your life even worse than it is going to be ruined by having to watch your ancient Celtics die a slow and agonizing death."
But I don't think that would fit into the box.
Secondary message: We're not getting Chris Paul. Prepare for the decline sooner rather than later.
Lakers:
Oops. Isn't that guy doing charity work in the middle there not on the team anymore?
Secondary message: Somebody in management still can't believe he gave up Lamar Odom for nothing. Either that, or the Webmaster is neglecting his duties to hit the clubs and score a little blow. One or the other.
Kings:
This is a kick-ass splash page, complete with a Hollywood-quality video and everything. It is super-cool and far outdoes the opening page of other teams. You should check it out.
This brings us to the following truism: the predicted talent level of a team has an inverse relationship to the awesomeness of its splash page. In other words...
Secondary message: "Hope you like the splash page, folks. That's all there is. We're the friggin' Sacramento Kings, for God's sake. Did you hear this California team's name getting bandied about with all this free agent posturing? Of course you didn't. Shut up and enjoy the video."
Pacers:
Guess who the Pacers just spent the rest of their money on?
Secondary message: Shiny new contract, giant double-basketball strong man pose - me thinks someone's due for a letdown year.
Hornets:
This Web site is nothing BUT Secondary Message: "The only thing we're positive is going to be here on opening day is this basketball." I wouldn't be so sure- the ball doesn't look that happy either.
Knicks:
Gosh, Mike Bibby looks spry and virile in this picture, doesn't he? Almost makes you think he's going be a solid contributor to the Knicks this year. Then look at the Photo acknowledgment: Getty Images. For those of you not in the know, Getty is a premiere online creator of expensive, visually compelling imagery.
Secondary message: That picture may not only be Photoshopped, God knows what year it's from. In fact, isn't that a Hawks jersey? I guess they figured "Eh, the ball's covering everything but the "KS" part. Nobody'll know the difference...unless, of course, we stream a pic of current Bibby right after it...
...Yeah, here's who the Knicks actually got. See that fella who looks like he just wandered to the top of the basement stairs with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a remote control in the other? That's him.
76ers:
The Sixers seem to have decided to forego a secondary message altogether, and are unnecessarily rough on themselves on their Web site:
OK, OK, I might have messed with that one a bit.
Nets:
Were you not aware that Nets Owner Mikhail Prokorov has decided to make a presidential run against Vladimir Putin? Well, a simple visit to the Web site would give you plenty of indication that something very Rocky IV is going on here...
I didn't mess with that graphic at all. I swear...
Anyway, if you're still trying to decipher why Dwight Howard is making such a push to become a Net, just go at it harder, and get a little deeper. That's what she said.
"Yeah...uhm...pay me whatever...do the girls wear those outfits when they're dancing?"
Heat:
No bells or whistles here. Nothing nearly as impressive as that smokin' Sacramento Kings site (thus proving that whole inverse relationship truism thing). In other words...
Primary Message: We just signed Shane Battier.
Secondary Message: We just signed m*th*rf**king Shane Battier, and Udonis Haslem will be healthy, beyotches.
Third Message: We're coming. And we're a little more pissed off this time.
Allow me to quietly mope into a dark corner, curl into a fetal position, insert my thumb in my mouth, and prepare for the Heat-ocolypse.
And there you have it folks. All the insider news you could possibly handle, if you just know where to look and how to interpret it. Now find your own Secondary Message and send it on over.
And hey, might as well give you an early Christmas Present video. On my sister site, Lemonwall, I have deposited my video review of the enormously complicated Board game associated with the classic film A Christmas Story. Came out good - not Photoshopped Bibby good, but good.
Labels: NBA, secondary message, web sites
Some players are threatening to oppose the agreement, insisting that the players have given up too much, but a simple scan of the terms proves that the players managed to get a very reasonable deal.
The terms of the agreement under consideration are as follows:
- The player/owner revenue split will go from 57/43 to 50/50, sending approximately 3 billion dollars to the owners.
- Given the ability to keep their finances from the public, owners will be allowed to continue to secretly shovel barrels of money into the cornucopia of financially insolvent teams overrun by boobs - namely, the WNBA.
- NBA players shown doing charitable work such as handing out Thanksgiving turkeys, building houses, and reading books to school children must actually perform the work. Standing in front of a blue screen and mimicking charitable behavior will no longer be accepted.
- Blake Griffin and LeBron James will spend one evening per month giving David Stern a sponge bath - undercarriage scrub included.
- The Boston Celtics starting lineup, with the exception of Rajon Rondo, will send a basket full of fruits and fine cheeses to Celtics Owner Wyc Grousbeck as thanks for a shortened, old-person friendly season.
- Delonte West must continue to be a furniture mover, and cannot return to the NBA under any circumstances.
- Kobe Bryant must wipe that smug grin off his face.
- Dirk Nowitzki will sign a legally-binding contract revealing to the world that he is in fact from Crested Butte, Colorado, and not Germany.
- Dwight Howard will play with one hand tied behind his back to 1.) Promote more offense, and 2.) Decrease by half the likelihood that he will behead one of the league's shorter superstars with an "unintentional" elbow.
- Derrick Rose will only play basketball on a court, and will not pretend he's a gay basketball-playing-toreador-amigo...oh wait, he's a bull. I just got that. Ok, that's kinda cool.
- As a further cost-saving measure, Conrad Murray will become the Minnesota Timberwolves' team doctor upon release from jail.
- Instead of fines, players criticizing NBA referees or owners will be subject to firing squad.
- Mark Cuban's 2012 tweets will be compiled and submitted to Congress for consideration as an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
I thought I gave them to you.
- Kevin Durant will live in the home of a Thunder fan for the duration of the shortened season. The promotion will be called: "Thunder down under ... ya roof."
- The Miami Heat will be renamed to the Miami "Two and a Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will appear at home games to fire Miami TAAHM T-shirts into the crowd.
- Less-talented NBA coaches will be forced to hire to celebrity assistants to divert attention from their incompetence.
this franchise into the ground?
Challenge accepted.
So there you have it. The players clearly got a sa-weet deal.
Next up, training camp in December!
Merry Christmas, all. Let the awfulness begin.
BONUS:
Why do we need basketball back? Because this is the most exciting thing that can happen in hockey (start at the 1:10 mark for the fireworks):
Proposed NBA Post-Lockout Refs:
Way more bad calls. Way less fan complaints.
As I have been pondering the possibility of anointing an Actual Score NBA Champion, I visited a Web site that was called to my attention when the idea first arose, www.refcalls.com (thanks Stephanie G). The prevailing opinion was that I needed a good arbiter to help decide fair calls vs. bad calls, and that this site would provide a valuable service in that regard.
Anyway, when I went to check that site today, I found that the second-half analysis of Game 1 of the NBA Finals is "no longer available due to a copyright claim by the NBA." Refcalls has indicated it is doing what it can:
"We noticed on Thursday morning that our video has been taken down by YouTube. We are working on this. It makes you wonder if the NBA feels a little threatened by our work since there are thousands of YouTube videos with NBA footage in them that continue to run. Stay tuned."
I just thought I would toss in my two cents to the NBA:
First, You reveal your collective selves to be petty and insecure with a ham-handed move like this.
Second, fans don't need refcalls.com to generate ire over NBA officiating. In fact, I would argue refcalls.com does you a service. I suspect there are plenty of fans who visit the site only to come away realizing either: how difficult it is to make a given call without the benefit of slow-motion instant replay, or: that the questionable calls in a given game, when laid out in video form, are not as egregious as they remember in their mind's eye. Granted, I'm sure just as many folks visit the site and go away saying "yup, refs suck," but you know what, those people already thought that NBA refs suck.
Third, don't make yourselves ripe for satire. I satirize. And I have Evil in my name. Seriously.
Let refcalls.com continue doing what it's doing, and worry about more important things. Were you aware that there's an impending lockout? And you want to alienate fans even further with dime-store moves like this?
You're the NBA, for God's sake. In the words of one of your former stars and current commentators:
"You're better than that." - Mark Jackson
Editor's Note: Removal of this post is pending, due to the use of an NBA-sanctioned catch phrase.
Labels: NBA, refcalls.com
July 1st, 2010. It's 12:00 am.
Do you know where your free agents are?
Welcome to my breakdown of the much hyped NBA Free Agency 2010. Here I hope to provide a quick (actually, this is absurdly long) snapshot of each team's current situation and outlook, so that you can survive this dreadful week of non-trading activity. *rolls eyes into back of head as far as possible* Really though, have you tried to visit NBA.com, ESPN.com, or anything NBA media related recently? I've seen Linda Blair vomit less than the amount of LeBron and free agency bullshit spewed by the media these past few days. So thus, I've taken it upon myself to capture all you need to know to properly enjoy this next week in true BasketBawful spirit.
For comedy's sake, I'm going to ask that we avoid the really crappy wishful thinking type trades and scenarios. Yes, I understand that you could trade Rashard Lewis for LeBron. Yes, I understand that Bynum and Vujacic could be in a sign and trade for Bosh, and then every championship-piggyback veteran could sign with the Lakers. Yes, I understand that you could trade Kirk Hinrich to the Wizards even though they have a poison situation and already have 2 PGs. (Wait, you mean that last one actually is gonna happen?) Anyways, I hope to have the most updated figures, numbers, and rosters by the time of this post, so if you spot any errors or as updates come along, or you just feel like sharing with me your stupid idea of how your team will get LeBron so we can all make fun of you, post a comment!
Other assumptions:
- Going with the flat $56.1 million cap for next season.
- This means for new contracts where the 105% rule doesn't apply, we'll use the minimum salary table here, and the maximum contract will be assumed as follows:
0-6 years of experience: $14,025,000
7-9 years: $16,830,000
10+ years: $19,635,000 - No team is so completely stupid as to talk about their first round draft pick's salary, so we will use the 100% number.
- Assume all teams in the FA hunt will sign minimum salary contracts after July 8th.
- We're using face value or near value ideas. No assuming what some guy wants, like Shaq taking the vet minimum somewhere for
the Lakerssome stacked super team. Unless you have a personal relationship with said player, and his family, and have personally spoken to him about his exact intentions, personally, and how he's okay with leaving tens of millions on the table for the chance at a ring. Then by all means, please share. - Crappy players will take their player options. Anyone that has the remote chance at an extension or making more money by becoming a FA (especially considering the end of this CBA) we will assume will not take their player options. Unless we're pretty sure that a team wants to screw a guy into staying on their team, or their qualifying offer/team option happens to be near equal to what they'd make anyways, we're not assuming either is picked up.
- Think about sign and trades, and if we're going to talk about them, find an incentive for ALL PARTIES (both teams and the players being extended). Not everyone can make deals with Chris Wallace. Otherwise, lets assume re-signings and free agency.
- Ugh, for the last time, LeBron's not coming to your team, stop bothering everyone about it.
- HoopData's Salaries section (comprehensive, but slightly outdated)
- HoopsHype's Salaries section (WARNING! This site sucks to visit without proper ad and/or javascript blocking.)
- Rookie Scale Salary Info from NBPA (pdf)
- Larry Coon's NBA Salary Cap FAQ (read every single word of this. You know, since it expires next year, you'll want to know why there's a lockout.)
- Whatever site you use for this year's draft information, and recent transactions.
- Oddly, it's hard to find consistent and accurate draft data. Pretty much every source says something different, and has varying updates on recent trades.
Everything that follows will be a summary of what I've collected in this spreadsheet. (Google docs, no login required, click it now.) First, I've collected and compiled important information from the draft with respect to salaries. This was, as I mentioned earlier, unnecessarily difficult to do, and there's bound to be errors. If you see any errors, let me know.
Second, I've collected a list of free agents who are eligible for max contracts above (in red) or near their respective cap percentage.
List of players who are eligible for greater than max contracts:
Jermaine O'Neal $24,166,800
Tracy McGrady $23,607,280
Shaquille O'Neal $22,050,000
Dirk Nowitzki $20,785,500
Paul Pierce $20,785,498
Ray Allen $19,715,703
Amare Stoudemire $17,197,241
Yao Ming $17,197,241
Finally, there's a tab for every team, where I've copied hoopdata's page, updated the numbers with the latest trades and draft, and complied some cap room scenarios. Since I made lots of notes and formulas such that it's near impossible for anyone else to read what I've done, let's begin with the teams. Oh, also, I use the term "albatross" for long guaranteed contract that you may want to get out of, and the term "S&T bait" for a 2011 expiring that may be used to help leverage this summer's free agency.
Atlanta Hawks:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $6,180,374
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap holding onto Joe Johnson: ($21,656,885)
Notable Free Agents: Joe Johnson [$14,976,754, no player option]
Albatross: See below.
S&T bait: Jamal Crawford [$10,080,000]
Summary: The Hawks have some sign and trade bait with 2011 expirings, or could try to sign and trade Joe Johnson, but it's probably too late for that. Too many albatross contracts with Josh Smith, Marvin Williams, and Zaza through 2013 and Bibby through 2012. Maybe shoot for J.J. Redick? Or hope for the Mayan apocalypse?
Final Verdict: A good hope-crusher for Minnesota fans to show the long lasting effects of what happens when you keep drafting players that play the same position.
Boston Celtics:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($11,098,826)
Maximum Cap Space if Paul Pierce opts out and Rasheed Wallace retires and Ray Allen isn't re-signed: $15,789,807
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap Space with Paul Pierce cap hold: ($4,522,087)
Albatross: Kevin Garnett [$18,832,044, through 2012]
S&T bait: Kendrick Perkins [$4,890,208], Glen Davis [$3,000,004]
Summary: To blow up or not to blow up. This team could go lots of ways, even down to asking KG to take a pay cut. Too many stupid rumors, only time will tell what their plan is (if any).
Final Verdict: Bleh.
Charlotte Bobcats:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($4,448,542)
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap Space with Tyrus Thomas qualifying offer: ($17,999,938)
Notable Free Agents UPDATED: Raymond Felton [$5,501,196]
Albatross: The entire team.
S&T bait UPDATE: Tyson Chandler [$12,600,000], Nazr Mohammed [$6,883,800]
Summary: No draft pick, locked down guaranteed salaries, and an owner with a Hitler mustache. Hey, at least the defense is good, right? It might be worth it to give up big and try to unload some salary. If you need a reason to blame, I'd suggest Smithfield Foods and what they've done to the state of North Carolina.
Final Verdict: Yea, y'all are fucked.
Chicago Bulls:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $20,578,404
Maximum Cap Space if that completely stupid trade to Washington is true: $29,933,796
Notable Free Agents: Brad Miller?
Albatross: Luol "king-o-albatross" Deng [$11,345,000, through 2014]
S&T bait: None.
Summary: The Bulls are definitely in FA search mode, as they don't really have the assets to pull off a sign and trade deal. Let's also assume no one's picking up Luol Deng's crappy crap. Yet somehow Washington is absorbing over $9M in cap for Chicago. Something just doesn't add up.
Final Verdict: It's looking tough to clear the room for 2 maxes, but a strong team can be built here.
Cleveland Cavaliers:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $9,472,590
Notable Free Agents: That one dude [$15,779,912, player option] and that old fat guy [$21,000,000]
Albatross: Antawn Jamison [$13,358,905, through 2012]
S&T bait: Some, but is obviously on the giving end of a S&T if one were to happen
Summary: Screw this,
Final Verdict: Y'all are fucked.
Dallas Mavericks:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space UPDATE: ($17,812,046)
Maximum Cap Space if Dirk opts out, Najera and Barea lowballed a.k.a. "The Mavs are fucked" case: $2,499,850
Notable Free Agents: Dirk Nowitzki [$19,795,714, player option]
Albatross: Shawn Marion [$7,305,500, through 2013]
S&T bait: Caron Butler [$10,561,960], Jason Terry? [$9,873,000]
Summary: Wow, Dirk can really screw over the Mavs, can't he?
Final Verdict: Is Cuban good at pulling off sign and trades?
Denver Nuggets:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($19,593,497)
Notable Free Agents UPDATE:
Albatross: Everything.
S&T bait UPDATE: J.R. Smith [$6,694,851], Kenyon Martin [$16,795,454], disgruntled Melo and crappy front office bargaining.
Summary: Looking bleak. Everyone's locked down this year, and I don't see Kenyon Martin earning a max contract. No draft picks, no real assets to trade, Carmelo likely leaving, and Birdman through 2014. Update: Or, the front office is threatening to trade Melo if he doesn't extend. Ya, okay.
Final Verdict: So fucked.
Detroit Pistons:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($2,572,216)
Notable Free Agents: KWAME BROWN BITCHES [$4,000,000]
Albatross: Detroit fans probably shouldn't look at their team's future salary chart...
S&T bait UPDATE: Tayshaun Prince [$11,147,760, no player option], Chris Wilcox [$3,000,000]
Summary: Still in the early years of the "how to blow your cap space by severely over-paying" era. But look on the bright side; only $9,000,000 of Rip Hamilton's contract in 2012-13 is guaranteed.
Final Verdict: What's the suicide rate in Detroit again?
Golden State Warriors:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space UPDATE: ($1,085,353)
Notable Free Agents: Uhh...
Albatross: Monta "McTurnover" Ellis [$11,000,000, through 2014]
S&T bait: Bleh.
Summary: Welcome to the Udoh era.
Final Verdict: Not much to do this summer.
Houston Rockets:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space UPDATE: ($16,080,834)
Notable Free Agents: not Yao [apparently picking up $17,686,100 player option]
Albatross: Kevin Martin [$10,600,005, through 2013], Trevor Ariza [$6,322,320, through 2013/14]
S&T bait: A lot.
Summary: Assuming Jared Jeffries picks up his $6,883,800 option, you've got Shane Battier's $7,429,500, Jordan Hill's $2,669,520, David Andersen's $2,500,000, not trading Aaron Brooks, etc., the Rockets have a lot of indirect options this off-season. They can afford to take on a mini albatross with a top tier free agent in a sign and trade, but it's gonna be work to get it done.
Final Verdict: Needs some more Morey Magic.
Indiana Pacers:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($10,547,446)
Notable Free Agents: Uhm...
Albatross: Uhm...
S&T bait: A lot.
Summary: The Pacers have cleared the decks for the 2011-12 season, with Danny Granger locked in through 2014. Maybe this is a brilliant move by Bird to not get screwed by the new 2011 CBA, or maybe there's a bunch of trades incoming. In any case, the 2010-11 roster looks just like last season's roster, only somehow worse.
Final Verdict: Lookin' pretty screwed.
Los Angeles Clippers:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $17,210,816
Notable Free Agents: Bleh.
Albatross: Baron Davis [$13,000,000, through 2012], Chris Kaman [$11,300,000, through 2012]
S&T bait: None really.
Summary: Lacking the assets, the Clippers are going for the homerun swing here this summer. I guess if there's some max contract FA that feels like getting treated like shit and then somehow getting injured, his 4 other teammates will welcome him with warm arms.
Final Verdict: Uh, it's the Clippers.
The Supreme Ultimate Los Angeles World Champions of the Universe Lakers:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($29,530,299)
Notable Free Agents: Adam Morrison [$5,257,229], Derek Fisher [$5,048,000], Jordan Farmar [$1,947,200]
Albatross: Kobe Bryant [$24,806,250 $25,244,493 $27,849,149 $30,453,805], Pau Gasol [$17,823,000 $18,714,150 $19,000,000 $19,285,850], Ron Artest [$6,322,320 $6,790,640 $7,258,960], Lamar Odom [$8,200,000 $8,900,000], Andrew Bynum [$13,700,000 $14,900,000]
S&T bait: Sasha Vujacic [$5,475,113]
Summary: Pour some milk into that bowl of championship rings as part of your balanced breakfast. What kind do you prefer? I always enjoyed 1%, a balance of taste and health.
Final Verdict: Fuck this shit.
Memphis Grizzlies:
Current Maximum Cap Space UPDATE: $6,549,212
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap Space with Rudy Gay qualifying offer: ($3,293,779)
Notable Free Agents: Rudy Gay [$3,280,997]
Albatross: Hasheem Thabeet [$4,793,280, through 2011]
S&T bait: A lot lot.
Summary: There is $0 guaranteed on the books for 2011-12! Another team preparing for the new CBA and lockout? Maybe they can spice things up by attempting to offer Gay the qualifying offer.
Final Verdict: See Indiana Pacers, minus franchise killing brawl.
Miami Heat:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $43,635,815
UPDATE Maximum Cap Space with Wade's hold: $27,952,027
UPDATE Maximum Cap Space with retarded Raptors S&T: $16,726,145 ($17,199,749 for LeBron)
Notable Free Agents: Jermaine O'Neal [$23,016,000], Summit Member #1 [$15,779,912]
Albatross: Michael "oh how the great have fallen" Beasley [$4,962,240, through 2011]
S&T bait: Don't you need people on your team in order to have bait?
Summary: It seems the Heat are giving up their triple max contract plan, as the Mario Chalmers team option was just picked up. They can offer $15,018,876 to three FAs though, or $15,156,048 if Joel Anthony decides to be a nice guy as reported, so if that summit crap was actually true, this is the number they'd be looking at.
UPDATE: The Heat are really waiting for that final cap space number, as any small change will affect if they can give 3 max contracts. You know, assuming this completely fucking stupid S&T with Toronto doesn't happen.
Final Verdict: Keep mentioning the reduced taxes and nightlife!
Milwaukee Bucks:
Current Maximum Cap Space UPDATE:
Notable Free Agents: John Salmons, apparently
Albatross: Bad Porn [$9,600,000, through 2013]
S&T bait UPDATE: Michael Redd's picked up option [$18,300,000]
Summary: No idea. UPDATE: Still no idea.
Final Verdict: A strange combination of team options, weird contracts, and pretty much being stuck this off-season. Stuck still with a bad team.
Minnesota Timberwolves:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $13,235,591
Notable Free Agents: Darko [$7,540,000]
Albatross: Al Jefferson [$13,000,000, through 2013]
S&T bait: Some, not really though.
Summary: T'wolves have basically given up on the max FA chase. Unless Kahn pulls something amazing *snicker*. How sad is it that re-signing Darko actually becomes an urgent priority? UPDATE: Looking deeper at Rudy Gay's qualifying offer, I've added a line for his proposed salary [$13,709,195]. But otherwise yea, this team still sucks.
Final Verdict: Can you even make paella in Minnesota?
New Jersey Nets:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $29,989,807
Notable Free Agents: Barf.
Albatross: Devin Harris [$8,981,000, through 2013]
S&T bait: Terrence Williams [$2,214,480], Courtey Lee [$1,352,640], Quinton Ross? [$1,146,337 player option]
Summary: The Nets need a few more minor cuts to make the double FA signing work. Getting rid of Yi was a surprisingly good start. Will hanging Kris Humphries by his feet over a gold mine help read the goal?
Final Verdict: Comrade, trust the motherland! and Jay-Z!
New Orleans Hornets:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($11,913,649)
Notable Free Agents: ....
Albatross: Emeka Okafor [$11,795,000, through 2013/14]
S&T bait: Maybe?
Summary: This is pretty depressing to analyze.
Final Verdict: So fucked. Does Chris Paul feel worse than a slowly dying burning oily sea turtle?
New York Knicks:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $34,528,263
Notable Free Agents: Tracy McGrady [$22,483,124], David Lee [$7,000,00]
Albatross: Eddy Curry [$11,276,863, 2011]
S&T bait: Not much, really.
Summary: This one mistake, Eddy Curry, has pretty much kept NY out of the picture for LeBron. At least the Knicks are the only team in the clear for double max salaries!
Final Verdict: Hello, Boozer and Joe Johnson!
Oklahoma City Thunder:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $6,898,156
Notable Free Agents: None.
Albatross: None.
S&T bait: Tons.
Summary: So the plans to steal Sam Presti and make him GM of the Suns is underwa-...oh, ahem. Anyways, even look at those trades FOR Daequan Cook and Morris Peterson, both expiring in 2011. Could Indiana, Memphis, and Oklahoma City be onto something here?
Final Verdict: Wow, just look at this team build year after year.
Orlando Magic:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($27,200,430)
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap Space with J.J. Redick hold and Barnes opted out: ($34,118,654)
Notable Free Agents UPDATE: J.J. Redick's sweet touch [$2,839,408]
Albatross: Ahahaha.
S&T bait: No, in a bad way.
Summary: Man, next year is gonna hurt.
Final Verdict: As with the Detroit fans, Orlando fans may not want to gaze directly at the ORL salary chart. UPDATE: Like seriously, don't look.
Philadelphia 76ers :
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($10,735,638)
Notable Free Agents: Allen Iverson [$650,686]
Albatross: Aaaaahahahaha-
S&T bait: Sorta?
Summary: Even if players opt our from their options, the 76ers still would be stuck this off-season with their same crappy crew.
Final Verdict: Nothing's changed, pretty much screwed for the next 3 years.
Phoenix Suns:
Current Maximum Cap Space (assumes Amar'e opts out) UPDATE:
UPDATE Maximum non-Cap Space with Amar'e max hold: ($5,502,582)
Notable Free Agents: LOU!
Albatross: Not really
S&T bait: Yes.
Summary: Didn't think the Suns could pull off getting under the cap and come close to offering a max contract. UPDATE: Not close anymore, but for the love of God please let go of Amar''''''e's cap hold!
Final Verdict: Rebounding and defense, rebounding and defense...
Portland Trail Blazers:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space: ($11,862,668)
Notable Free Agents: None.
Albatross: Lamarcus Aldridge [$10,744,000, through 2015]
S&T bait: Andre Miller [$7,269,264], Joel Przybilla [$7,405,300 player option]
Summary: Maybe Kevin Pritchard did try to screw Portland on his way out, as his draft day trades ultimately put the Blazers about $7 million even more over the cap.
Final Verdict: *tears ACL*
Sacramento Kings:
Current Maximum Cap Space UPDATE: $15,366,159
Notable Free Agents: [This section is intentionally left blank]
Albatross: Beno Udrih [$6,478,600, through 2012/13], Francisco Garcia [$5,500,000, through 2013].
S&T bait UPDATE: Samuel Dalembert [$13,278,129], Carl Landry [$3,000,000]
Summary UPDATE: Lost about $3 million in cap space, probably not gonna find a good use for the cap space. Maybe fight Minnesota for Gay? (This is quite possibly the most favorite sentence I've ever written.)
Final Verdict: Who'd want to come to a team that gets screwed by the refs anyways?
San Antonio Spurs:
Current Maximum
Notable Free Agents UPDATE:
Albatross: Manu? Duncan?
S&T bait:
Summary: Gonna assume Richard Jefferson picks up his player option here, unless I missed something. They might start a trend of when being over the cap by $13 million, saying instead "one Tony Parker over the cap". UPDATE: Aaaaaaahahahahahaha Richard Jefferson probably should have asked Bonzi Wells for advice before this decision. Or like anyone with two eyes.
Final Verdict: Lots of sign and trade opportunity.
Toronto Raptors:
Current Maximum Cap Space: $6,243,868
Notable Free Agents: Summit tag-a-long Member #3 [$15,779,912]
Albatross: My eyes...
S&T bait: Eh.
Summary: Just look at all that Albatross! A core of Hedo, Calderon, Bargs, and Jarrett Jack through 2013?! And you thought LeBron played with some bad teammates!
Final Verdict: More like, sign and trade away.
Utah Jazz:
Current Maximum non-Cap Space UPDATE:
Notable Free Agents: Carlos Boozer [$12,323,900, no player option], Kyle Korver [$5,163,636, no player option]
Albatross: Paul Millsap [$7,600,000, through 2013]
S&T bait: Maybe
Summary: Doesn't look like there's much to do here, maybe leverage Kirilenko's expiring for a swingman to make way for Gordon Hayward. Also to buy Fesenko some shake weights.
Final Verdict: Well at least you've got some nice green jazzy mountains.
Washington Wizards:
Current Maximum Cap Space UPDATED: $14,861,038
Maximum Cap Space if that completely stupid trade with Chicago is true UPDATED: $5,032,042
Notable Free Agents: Are there markets for Josh Howard and Mike Miller?
Albatross: *points upwards at BasketBawful banner* [$17,730,693, through 2014, player option in 2013]
S&T bait: Ugh, who cares anymore.
Summary: So, back to this trade again. It becomes official July 8th or something, but with the Yi trade it pretty much shows how desperate the Wiz are to fill the slots. In complete give-up mode. On the plus side, I hope to see tons of John Wall driving and kicking it to Yi for the missed shot, followed by awkwardly looking at each other.
Final Verdict: Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.
-AnacondaHL
Labels: guest author, Lebron James is a douche, NBA, Summer 2010
It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).
Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.
Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.
E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.
This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.
One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)
Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."
The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.
Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp
...whose fault is it? The refs are now regularly doing whatever it takes to keep the scrutiny off themselves. It is human nature to do so, and I don't have any particular faith in NBA refs to behave otherwise. For years, refs have put the whistle away for the final 5 seconds or so of any big game, because there is a notion that the "players should decide it."...in Thunderdome, apparently.
Unfortunately, the way the NBA is set up, either the refs are forced to decide the game either way (by awarding a player "gimmie" free throws or completely ignoring a mug job like they did). Almost universally, refs have decided to go the "ignore the foul" route, because this method has become an accepted - even anticipated - part of the game (just listen to the resigned post-game comments of Popovich and Barry - they know how this works).
You think the foul would have been called if Brent had gone straight up and forced harder contact? I don't. I think Fisher would have had to sucker-punch Barry at the end of that game to for a foul to be called, and I think Fisher - wiley veteran that he is - knew that too.
The Solution?
How about this. If a player is fouled in the final, let's say, 5 seconds of a game, the remaining time goes back up on the clock and instead of free throws, the offense can re-run the play (How many times could a team be fouled? Indefinitely - why? There's no incentive to keep allowing a team more chances at a game winning shot. And after each foul, the offense automatically gets 20 seconds to draw up a new play.) This shifts the advantage to the offense, but it would help ensure far fewer last last-second no calls, far fewer last-second fouls that everyone knows aren't going to get called, and would likely result in a lot more last-second game winning shots...sound exciting, Mr. Stern?)
This idea may not be perfect, but I think it has merit. If this change is made, the refs would no longer have to worry about "being responsible" for game-deciding free throws. Would it be sad to have to institute such a policy because referees don't have the intestinal fortitude to call games well? Yes, but it's a way to eliminate at least a little of the very flawed human nature out of NBA refereeing.
- Evil Ted
Labels: fouls, NBA, referees, rule change
Once again, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm bring you the weekly Powerless rankings. Much like a man lost in the woods, I'm going to try to stay alive by cannibalizing the West while the hardwood boys gnaw on the nasty flesh of the East.
Memphis: Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley sent franchise center Pau Gasol to the Lakers for a large, steaming pile of crap named "Kwame Brown." It's not his fault, though. It's the Bulls' fault. Just ask him. Said Heisley: ''We had conversations with Chicago that were non-satisfactory." Here's what I want to know. What could the Bulls have possibly offered him that was any worse than Kwame Brown?! I'm pretty sure Will Perdue and Bill Wennington have been retired too long to include in a deal.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Committee applauds the Grizzlies' efforts not only to rebuild, but to claim the top spot in the Western Powerless Rankings. We award them ten Schrutebucks.
Seattle: They beat the Knicks! Goooooooo Sonics! In other news, that 7-for-21 shooting line has become so familiar to Kevin Durant that it should be carved onto his tombstone someday. And some veterans on the team are starting to grumble about all those shots.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: At least they weren't forced to look at obtaining Kwame Brown as a "positive step."
Minnesota: After they won five of seven games, the 10-win Timberwolves were described as "surging." You know, my bowels can also be described as "surging" sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's something to get excited about.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Harbinger (Al Jefferson) has reached a whole new level lately. This team clearly has no investment in our rankings. It's sad to see a team develop into actual quality as the season progresses. They could learn a thing or two from Miami. About sucking.
Los Angeles Clippers: Donald Sterling, clearly upset that Michael Heisley has -- for the moment -- one-upped him in the battle of inept owners, is openly fueding with coach Mike Dunleavy and GM Elgin Baylor. Since when did Sterling start caring about how his team was run?
Hardwood Paroxysm says: I told my wife about what's been going on with the Clippers over the past two years. She said it reminded her of Temptation Island, whatever the hell that was. I don't think that's good.
Sacramento: The Kings have won four in a row and seven of 10, and now they're talking about making the playoffs. Seriously? They're still two games under .500. They do know that they play in the Western Conference, right?
Hardwood Paroxysm says: We can't believe how big of a turnaround these guys have had. Kevin Martin is silky smooth, John Salmons is a great counter-punch, and Bibby is actually playing like he cares, along with a talented front-court. If they can sell Crazy Pills and get something of value back for him, they could snake the 8 spot, and you know what that means!
Houston: Another "surging" team, the Rockets are 8-1 since T-Mac returned from whatever injury made him miss a bunch of games this time. That's impressive and all, but you know he's just going to get hurt again. And Yao too, probably. Plus, Rafer Alston is still their point guard. And he's backed up by Mike James, who's backed up by Steve Francis. You see where I'm going with this?
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Tracy McGrady thinks the home rims are against him. Rafer Alston is their quality backcourt starter. Louis Scola is their energy guy, and Landry is the biggest bench contributor. Outside of Yao Ming and Luis Scola, this team is shaky at best, and first round fodder at worst.
Portland: Hmmm. That magic sauce is still pretty tangy, but they've gone 5-7 in their last 12 games. And the rest of February is going to be rough; I see Detroit, Houston, Dallas, Boston, and the Lakers (twice) in their future. And seven road games. They're 8-14 on the road you know. This may be the defining stretch for this young team.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Must... not... fade.. So.... tired...
Denver: Wait, whoa, hold on for a second. The Nuggets might deal Linas Kleiza and Eduardo Najera to Sacramento for Ron Artest?! If that happens, this team automatically moves up at least five spots in these rankings, just on general principle.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Here's a fun fact for you. Denver is 5-9 against teams in the "good" net points category, according to 82games.com. Basically, that means they have a losing record against teams that consistently score more than they allow their opponents to. The good news is that they'll only play bad teams in the playoffs. Wait. They can't play themselves.
Golden State: If Don Nelson is a mad scientist, then Chris Webber is the secret Bezonko Ray that will either help him take over the world or destroy it on accident.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: If this team were a band, they'd be the Black Crowes. When they're together, they're amazing. The rest of the time? They're completely unstable and on the verge of chaos.
San Antonio: No matter how low they've fallen, they can still beat the Suns. So there's that.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Hmm? Oh, Don't mind us. We're just napping. Go ahead and and keep moving. We'll see you in April. Oh? What's that? The Suns? Hold on a sec... *SWAT! Okay. That should do. Wake us when the Mavs come around.
Utah: The Jazz have won nine games in and are 15-2 since trading for Kyle Korver. They really like the white-boy shooters in Salt Lake City, don't they? Utah has faced some powerder puffs during this stretch, but they've also beaten the Blazers, Suns, Spurs, and Hornets.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: How do you spell second-round elimination? U-T-A-H. Millsap's fun to watch, though.
Dallas: The loss to the KG-less Celtics looked bad. Their brutal beatdown at the hands of the Pistons looked really bad. But hey, they beat the Orlando Magic on the road, and they're like the third best team in the Eastern Conference! I just...this team is 31-15...but I just don't trust them.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Mavericks are like the submarine from The Hunt For Red October. You don't hear them coming until you're dead.
Lakers: The Pau Gasol trade was a coup for the Blue and Gold, no question about it. On paper, this team looks well-nigh unstoppable. But...Gasol is still a soft, defenseless center who might find the paint a little crowded once Andrew Bynum returns. And this is the same team, led by the same coach, featuring the same selfish superstar, that flopped in the 2004 Finals despite an All-Legend roster of Shaq, Kobe, Karl Malone, and Gary Payton. So hey, I know you Lakers fans are excited, but we're gonna just hold off on handing over the Larry O'Brien Trophy for the time being, okay?
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Don't be surprised if these guys jump to number one sometime soon. But man, the loss of Javaris Crittenton should hurt them badl...bwahahhaha. I kill me.
New Orleans: A few weeks ago, I predicted that the Hornets would struggle during Mardi Gras. Well, they've lost three in a row and today is Fat Tuesday. That is so not a coincidence. It's a scientific fact that men -- especially pro ballers -- cannot concentrate on basketball-related matters when drunk women are wandering through the streets of their city and flashing boobs that are both full and supple. I expect these guys to start tearing it up again once the hangover wears off.
Hardwood Paroxysm says: If December through January was their "Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik" period, the last two weeks have been their "One Hot Minute" period. And "Aeroplane" sucked.
Phoenix: The Suns just looked over their shoulders at the Lakers, and they suddenly noticed a former All-Star center who can score effectively, rebound okay, and can't play defense. Oh, and he's soft like marshmallow. Then they took a look at their own roster and see Amare Stoudemire. So, you know, they're not as worried as you'd think. As long as they're not playing the Spurs, that is...
Hardwood Paroxysm says: Haha! We're back to full strength! Nothing can stop us now! The Spurs don't even have Parker! (48 minutes later) Do we have any interest in winning a championship?
Labels: NBA, Powerless rankings
When I was just a wee tot, my mom taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Then, after almost 20 years of silence, she begged me to start talking again. Which is great, because I have a lot of not-so-nice things to say about the NBA's Eastern Conference.
Atlanta Hawks: I have never forgiven the Hawks for trading Dominique Wilkins to the Clippers in '94. And neither has God. That's like sending your favorite grandfather to the nursing home where they serve cat food and administer nightly beatings. Some people might think that the last decade worth of losing seasons was enough of a punishment, but I don't. And neither does God.
Boston Celtics: I've been a Boston Celtics fan for my entire life, so I was intially thrilled that the Celtics had acquired Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Finally, the team was relevant again! Finally, they might actually be contenders again! However, the media fellatio being performed on the Red Sox and Patriots is starting to make me hate anything and everything related to Boston. I even tossed a brick through the window of a Boston Market last night. Can I really root against one of my all-time favorite teams? Check back with me after the World Series.
Charlotte Bobcats: This is a promising team with a lot of young talent, but I don't think they can overcome season-ending injuries to Sean May and Adam Morrison. And that should tell you pretty much all you need to know about the Bobcats.
Chicago Bulls: Speaking of promising teams with a lot of young talent. Thanks to the continuing development of the core group (Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon) and the additions of Joakim Noah and Joe Smith, the Bulls should be even better this year. But even though this team should win 50+ games and will win a playoff series or two, I just can't see them making it to the Finals without a go-to guy or a low-post scorer.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Sasha Pavlovic and Anderson Varejao are still holding out. Look, I know the Cavs got to be the Spurs' hors d'oeuvres in the NBA Finals last year, but when the ultimate fate of your team comes down to guys like Pavlovic and Varejao...well, I think it's safe to say Cleveland won't be making a return trip to the Finals.
Detroit Pistons: These guys are like the NBA equivalent of a horror-movie killer: They never go away. Why, Pistons? Why won't you go away?
Indiana Pacers: With the additions of Travis Diener and Stanko Barac to a team that already featured Jeff Foster, Mike Dunleavy Jr., and Troy Murphy, the Pacers are whiter than ever. That might not be good for wins, but thanks to white privilege at least a couple of these guys should make the All-Star Team or win an MVP, right?
Miami Heat: Pat Riley pulled off a total coup by unloading Antoine Walker's rotting corpse (8.5 PPG, 4.3 RPG, 39 percent shooting) and a couple nobodies for Ricky Davis (17.0 PPG, 3.9 RPG, 4.8 APG) and Mark Blount (12.3 PPG, 6.2 RPG, 50 percent shooting). But think about that: If your team is radically improved by the acquisition of Davis and Blount, you're in big trouble.
Orlando Magic: I still can't believe the Magic signed Rashard Lewis to a $118 million contract. Unless the Magic know something about Lewis nobody else knows -- like the fact that a single drop of his sweat grants eternal life -- they're paying about $60 million more than they should be. And outside of Dwight Howard, the rest of the Magic's roster is just kind of sad.
Milwaukee Bucks: You know, that Yi Jianlian hasn't looked half-bad in the preseason. He even had a 15 point, 12 rebound night against the Timberwolves. But he's no Wang Zhizhi. Need I say more?
New Jersey Nets: Will Vince Carter's new $61.8 million contract inspire him to improve his game? Did Jason Kidd spend the summer working on his jumpshot? Can Richard Jefferson finally stay healthy enough to finally fulfill his potential and justify the $78 million contract he signed in 2004? The answers to these questions are: No, no, and no. That should make the answer to "Are the Nets contenders?" pretty self-evident.
New York Knicks: I won't be able to take this team seriously while Isiah Thomas is still the GM and coach. Until that situation changes, they're doomed, and anybody who says differently should be punched in the face.
Philadelphia 76ers: In non-basketball related news, did you see Brian Griese lead the Bears on a last-minute, 97-yard touchdown drive to beat the Eagles last Sunday? Not Bob Griese, Brian Griese. The is the same guy who injured himself by tripping on a driveway (because it was "too steep") and then later injured himself falling down a flight of stairs (because his dog ran down the stairs and "clipped" him). This of course came a few weeks after the Eagles' quarterback, Donovan McNabb got sacked 12 times, probably because he's black, and black quarterbacks get criticized more than white quarterbacks. Or something like that. Anyway, the Eagles are 2-4 and I really doubt the 76ers are going to do much better. I just feel so sorry for Philidelphia sports fans. Seriously.
Toronto Raptors: I must be slipping, because I don't have a single bad thing to say about this team. I mean, other than that they overpaid for Jason Kapono. And that they haven't sorted out their point guard issues. And nobody on that team can play defense. And they can't really score on the inside. Other than that, they're solid.
Washington Wizards: The Wizards biggest offseason "moves" were surgeries for Gilbert Arenas (knee) and Etan Thomas (heart). Thomas is out for the season and Arenas has shot 29 percent (15-of-51) in five preseason games. So, you know, if you live in Washington, I wouldn't suggest getting your hopes up.
Labels: Eastern Conference, NBA, season preview
Okay, now take a closer look:
Yep. That's our boy. Here's a mug shot for comparison purposes:
I assure you, this isn't a gag or some form of Photoshop trickery. Somebody at Hoop actually faded Ostertag's funky coconut into the cover's background. It's good to see the big guy is gone but not forgotten. Especially the "gone" part.
Greg-tastic Trivia: Ostertag claimed he was once abducted by aliens and replaced by an imposter. Seriously.
A note of appreciation: This post was made possible by the acute and penetrating observations of LooseChange from The Penny Tray.
Labels: covers, Greg Ostertag, Hoop magazine, NBA
Free Agent Jackpot: Apparently, Gilbert Arenas isn't that impressed by the Celtics' offseason moves. In fact, he's predicting imminent doom when the Wizards travel to Boston for the C's home opener. That's because Washington countered the Kevin Garnette / Ray Allen acquisitions by signing their own "Little Three": The pitifully ancient and herertofore retired Tony Massenburg, Jamon Gordon (who?), and Willie Deane (who??).
For the record, Massenburg last played in 2004-05, averaging 3.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 37 games for the Spurs. But I hear he waves a mean towel, so good pickup for the Wiz. Gordon is an undrafted rookie from Virginia Tech; he averaged 11.4 PPG, 4.5 RPG, and 4.5 APG as a senior last year. (Did you hear that? It's the sound of nobody in Boston giving a crap.) Most mystifying of all is the Deane signing. He graduated from Purdue in 2003 but went undrafted. According to his NBA.com prospect profile, Deane 17.8 PPG and 5.1 RPG during his senior season, and even "erupted" for a career-high 36 points against Michigan. Impressive. I doubt he'll play much, but having an extra "Willie" on your roster never hurts.
Michael Jordan has the power: BusinessWeek released a list of the 100 Most Powerful People in Sports. NBA commissioner David Stern came in third, behind both NFL commissioner Roger Goodell (1) and Tiger Woods (2). No surprises there. What did come as a surprise is that Michael Jordan was number 11.
Jordan is a part owner and "Managing Member of Basketball Operations" for the Charlotte Bobcats. Let me highlight the "Charlotte Bobcats" part of that last sentence. That kind of "power" wouldn't get you a handout on the street, even if you were missing both legs and had a sign that said "Jesus luvs you." It's also important to note that, after Jordan was fired by the Washington Wizards, no legitimate NBA would touch him with a 10-meter cattle prod. Make no mistake: Charlotte hired him because they needed money and Jordan had it to spend. The power he wields within the confines of his sport is negligible at best.
But according to BusinessWeek: "No athlete -- active or retired -- has a higher Q Score than his Airness." The Q Score is a way to measure the familiarity and appeal of a brand, company, celebrity, cartoon character or television show. So okay, Jordan can sell stuff; we already knew that. But how, exactly, does that translate to power in sports? Remember, this is the same guy who drafted Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison, failed spectacularly as both a player and an executive for the Wizards, and didn't even get voted onto the All-Star team during his final "farewell tour" season. That all sounds pretty weak to me.
Other notable NBA power brokers: Lebron James (19), Jerry Reinsdorf (47), Mark Cuban (50), Shaq (78), Kobe Bryant (88), Yao Ming (89), and Magic Johnson (95).
Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Jordan, NBA, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, Tony Massenburg, Washington Wizards
Labels: Bill Walton, NBA, tributes
Worst shoe:Magic Johnson's yellow and purple abomination. People in the 80s were not ready for something so hideous.
Best performer: Bernard King was the only guy in the commercial that had a semblance of rhythm and didn't sound like he was rapping straight off a cue card.
Most questionable appearance: Every player in this group at one time or another placed in the top 4 in MVP voting...except Mark Aguirre.
Best moment: When Kevin McHale sets his shoe on Isiah Thomas' head. Note the utter disdain in McHale's withering glance.
Best line: Larry's "You already know what they did for me...I walked away with the MVP," delivered in that odd drawl that only Bird could pull off. Note his rather strange pronunciation of MVP.
Labels: Bernard King, fake Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Mark Aguirre, NBA, shoe commercials
The Man (thuh man) noun. The best player and/or undisputed leader of a particular team, division, conference, and/or the entire league.
Usage example: Tim Duncan is The Man in San Antonio. And pretty much everywhere else, too.
Word History: The term "The Man" originated in America around 1918 as a code word for a prison warden. Over the years, The Man has come to represent the government, leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general (such as the police). The Man is colloquially defined as the figurative person who controls the world. The Man is also often used as a symbol of racial oppression, as well as the boss of a blue-collar worker, and the enemy of any counterculture.
Within the world of professional sports, The Man refers to the player or players who are renowned and feared above all others. Every team has it's own The Man, and most leagues have a chosen handful of players who are the subject of "Who's The Man" discussions. In the NFL, for instance, there has been a nearly continuous "Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady" debate over the last five years or so. In the NBA, The Man candidates range from Tim Duncan (The Lord of the Rings), Kobe Bryant (the scoring machine), Steve Nash (the ultimate teammate), and Lebron James (the possible heir to the throne).
The Man Test: Do you think your favorite player might be The Man but aren't totally sure? We at Basketbawful have used the power of Mighty Science to create an infallible test that's guaranteed to tell you whether that player is indeed The Man, a strong up-and-comer, or simply a woman with unsightly facial hair. If you doubt the accuracy of this test, you obviously know nothing about basketballogy, and probably couldn't calculate your way out of a bucket full of Science.
Worth 1 point: Have you...
Scored 50 points in a single game?
Grabbed 20 rebounds in a single game?
Dished 20 assists in a single game?
Averaged at least 20 PPG, 10 RPG, or 8 APG for one season?
Lead your team in scoring, rebounds, and/or assists for one season?
Hit one game-winning shot during the regular season?
Been an All-Star reserve?
Been named to the All-NBA Third Team?
Punched a teammate during practice?
Signed a dubious, non-shoe-related endorsement deal (e.g., Icy Hot, Payday Loans, etc.)?
Appeared in a basketball-themed movie (e.g., Space Jam, He Got Game)?
Appeared on the cover of your team’s media guide?
Been featured on an Episode of NBA Inside Stuff?
Been anointed "The Next Michael Jordan"?
Been called a "future Hall of Famer" by a questionable source (e.g., Bill Walton, Magic Johnson)?
Received a low-end shoe endorsement (e.g., L.A. Gear, Fila)?
Released a rap album and/or video?
Worth 2 Points: Have you...
Scored 50 points in a game more than once?
Grabbed 20 rebounds in a game more than once?
Dished 20 assists in a game more than once?
Averaged at least 30 PPG, 13 RPG, or 10 APG for one season?
Averaged a double-double?
Lead your team in scoring, rebounds, or assists for multiple seasons?
Lead the league in scoring, rebounds, or assists for one season?
Hit multiple game-winning shots during the regular season?
Been an All-Star starter?
Been named to the All-NBA Second Team?
Signed a max contract worth at least $50 million?
Gotten a teammate traded?
Been mentioned on "Pardon The Interruption"?
Been featured on a bobble-head doll?
Had your jersey appear in the video of a prominent rap artist?
Dated a recognizable model or actress?
Worth 3 points: Have you...
Lead the league in scoring, rebounds, or assists for multiple seasons?
Averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds or assists?
Hit one game-winning shot in the playoffs?
Been on multiple All-Star Teams?
Been the All-Star Game MVP?
Been named to the All-Defensive First Team?
Been named to the All-NBA First Team?
Signed a max contract worth at least $100 million?
Gotten an all-star teammate traded?
Gotten a coach fired?
Regularly referred to yourself in the third person?
Hosted MADtv?
Appeared in a pregame promo (coming off the team bus, shooting around, etc.)?
Appeared on the cover of NBA 2K?
Appeared on the cover of ESPN the Magazine?
Received a high-end shoe endorsement (e.g., Nike, Reebok)?
Guaranteed a championship or deep playoff run despite the fact that your team sucks?
Been mentioned in the song of a prominent rap artist?
Been "rested" at the end of the regular season?
Worth 4 points: Have you...
Been a 50 / 40 / 90 guy (50 percent FG shooting, 40 percent 3P shooting, and 90 percent FT shooting)?
Been on multiple All-Defensive Teams (first or second)?
Been on multiple All-NBA Teams (first, second, or third)?
Been Defensive Player of the Year?
Been Finals MVP?
Been the regular season MVP?
Signed multiple $100 million contracts?
Gotten a superstar teammate traded?
Gotten a great coach fired?
Appeared in the video of a prominent rap artist?
Been "rested" during the regular season (e.g., Shaq)?
Worth 5 points: Have you...
Been Defensive Player of the Year more than once?
Been Finals MVP more than once?
Been the regular season MVP more than once?
Hosted Saturday Night Live?
Appeared on the cover of NBA Live?
Appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated?
Gotten a legendary teammate traded?
Gotten a legendary coach fired?
Been the subject of a "Why hasn’t he won the MVP?" discussion?
Been called a "future Hall of Famer" by a well-regarded source (e.g., Steve Kerr, Dr. Jack Ramsey)?
Forced your team to trade you for little or no reasonable return (effectively crippling your former team for years to come)?
Driven your GM / team owner to alcoholism (e.g., Jerry Buss)?
Worth 350 Points: Have you...
Created and maintained an independent blog about the best of the worst of professional basketball?
Scoring ranges: Now that you've calculated the numeric value of your player's accomplishment(s), compare his total to the following scoring ranges to determine his relative manitude:
0 - 49 Points: Are you kidding me? Any player that falls within this range is not The Man. He might not even be "a" man. A comprehensive medical examination would likely uncover girl parts under his compression shorts.
50 - 99 Points: This player definitely has a Y chromosome and a faint, musky aroma. However, his voice still cracks from time to time, and his balls haven't dropped yet. The main cause of his undescended testicles may be due to repeated playoff failures or the presence of a bigger, badder, Alpha-er male. The Boy? Yes. The Man? No.
100 - 149 Points: You know how they say "Every high-powered CEO was once a hard-working mailroom clerk who had to murder his way to the top"? Well, they say it, okay? And your player is that serial-killing clerk, cutting a swath through the league and challenging the gods. He's the young Turk on the verge of manhood. Not quite The Man yet, more like The Muhhhhhh....
150 - 210 Points: Is this player The Man? Yes, ye gods, yes! People drop to their knees and spontaneously combust when he walks by. Tiny universes are created each time he flexes his manly pecs. Instead of a single penis, he has an entire bushel of peni that can be launched like missles at hostile countries. A single drop of his sweat can spawn a full-grown leprechaun in under six seconds. What I'm trying to say is: No human words can describe the utter manliness of this man among men. Praise his name, mortal fool!
Labels: NBA, tests, The Man, Word of the Day
Big Country: According to Wikipedia, Bryant Reeves was was nicknamed "Big Country" for his size and the fact that he grew up in the very small Oklahoma town of Gans. According to me, he's called "Big Country" because he almost single-handedly ruined basketball in Canada (which is a big country). Just an embarrassing, shapeless, blob of a man. Vancouver will never forgive him.
Buffet of Goodness: Channing Frye gave himself this nickname to highlight his all-around skills. In doing so, he committed one of the cardinal sins of nicknaming: You cannot nickname yourself (unless you're Gilbert Arenas). Giving yourself a nickname comes off as cheesy and arrogant, and it usually only catches on in a sarcastic way. Especially when you choose something as retarded as "Buffet of Goodness."
Captain Crunch: Jalen Rose got this nickname when he was leading the 2004-05 Toronto Raptors to a 33-win season. How many games would they have won without his crunch-time heroics? Probably around 27, which is how many they won after he was traded during the 2005-06 season. The name is also synonymous with a cereal that turns to goop in milk and tastes like soggy cardboard. Blech.
Du: No offense to Chris Duhon, but I wouldn't want a nickname that can be used as a synonym for bodily waste.
Grandmama: Larry Johnson became famous for dressing up as his eldery grandmother to sell Converse products. Think about that for a second: A man dressed in drag, old lady drag, and got called "grandmama" while playing professional basketball. How was that ever considered cool?
Kobe Stopper: Remember Ruben Patterson? Yeah. I didn't think so. And it makes no sense. Look, I hate Kobe Bryant, but even I have to admit there's no such thing as a "Kobe Stopper." You might as well call him "Santa Claus" or "The Leprechaun."
The Black Mamba: Prior to the 2005-06 season, Kobe Bryant decided to give himself a nickname, but he screwed it all to hell. First, he broke the rule that says you can't give yourself a nickname. Second, he chose a name that sounded like a professional wrestling villain. Third, he ripped it off directly from Kill Bill: Volume 2. And fourth, the character he ripped it off from was a woman. And finally, it's a goddamn poisonous snake. Way to enhance your image, Kobe. This nickname has spawned countless jokes, and you'll notice that Kobe has never, ever mentioned it again.
The Mailman: I don't know about you, but every mailman I've ever seen has been a pasty, bloated white guy who never gets out of his truck and won't deliver the mail if there's a car parked within 20 feet of the mailbox. This does not inspire awe.
The Spider: How did John Salley get this nickname? Apparently because he has the proportional sucking ability of a spider.
TP: Tony Parker is so unremarkable, the best the nicknamers could do was string his initials together and create a nickname you can truly wipe your ass with.
Zeke From Cabin Creek: This was Jerry West's nickname before he became known as "Mr. Clutch." It not only has nothing whatsoever to do with basketball, it also reminds me of the hillbilly rapists from Deliverance. And that's not a good thing. Even worse, it's not even technically accurate; West actually grew up in Cheylan, West Virginia.
Fun Nickname Fact #1: Baron Davis holds the world record for most nicknames attributed to a single basketball player. His nicknames include: Baron, BD, B-Diddy, B-Dazzled, Boom Dizzle, Bulletproof, and Too Easy. Seriously, does anybody need seven nicknames?
Fun Nickname Fact #2: Rik Smits stood 7'4" and was known as "The Dunking Dutchman." However, he averaged only 6.1 RPG for his career. There were games -- critical playoff games -- in which he would pull down only one or two rebounds. And he was 7'4". I'm sorry, but how is that even possible?!
Fun Nickname Fact #3: Coach Don Nelson started calling Sarunas Jasikevicius "Jazzy Cabbages" because he couldn't pronounce Sarunas' last name.
Usage example: Lebron goes up with the ball...YES! And one!
Word Misuse: The phrase "And one!" was probably created by television broadcasters who wanted a hip and exciting way to indicate that an additional freethrow would be awarded to a player who had been fouled on a successful shot attempt. However, the term is now used by both professional and amateur ballers as the universal way to declare that they've been fouled. During a typical NBA game, you'll hear at least one player scream "And one!" when he gets hit, regardless of whether the shot actually goes in (and often regardless of whether the foul was even called).
This occurs all the time in pickup basketball, particularly after an embarrassment call. If you play pickup hoops, you've probably seen this happen more times than you care to remember: A player will rise literally inches into the air, attempt a truly horrible shot/flip/scoop/reverse/whatever, and miss by a mile. But since it's psychologically impossible for pickup ballers to accept that they took a bad shot, the player will immediately yell out "And one!" and then strut away from the basket as if a great wrong has been committed against him (this is called "selling the foul"). I usually can't stop myself from reminding the guy that he needs to actually hit the basket to call an "And one!" This is often met with an angry glare and results in an "escalation of hostilities" (e.g., trash talk, hard fouls, etc.).
Look, it's very simple. You should'nt eat the macaroni without the cheese, you can't kill Superman without Kryptonite, and you don't get to scream "And one!" if you didn't hit the shot.
Update: Henry Abbott of TrueHoop wisely pointed out another ridiculous aspect of using this term in pickup games: "I'd even add that 'and one' is especially dumb in pickup basketball without referees and free throws. The 'one,' you know, being a free throw and all."
Labels: broadcasting, NBA, pickup basketball, Word of the Day
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