Well, it appears to be finally coming - a ratification of an agreement to end the NBA lockout which could give us a 66-game season and NBA games starting on Christmas Day.
Some players are threatening to oppose the agreement, insisting that the players have given up too much, but a simple scan of the terms proves that the players managed to get a very reasonable deal.
The terms of the agreement under consideration are as follows:
- The player/owner revenue split will go from 57/43 to 50/50, sending approximately 3 billion dollars to the owners.
- Given the ability to keep their finances from the public, owners will be allowed to continue to secretly shovel barrels of money into the cornucopia of financially insolvent teams overrun by boobs - namely, the WNBA.
- NBA players shown doing charitable work such as handing out Thanksgiving turkeys, building houses, and reading books to school children must actually perform the work. Standing in front of a blue screen and mimicking charitable behavior will no longer be accepted.
- Blake Griffin and LeBron James will spend one evening per month giving David Stern a sponge bath - undercarriage scrub included.
- The Boston Celtics starting lineup, with the exception of Rajon Rondo, will send a basket full of fruits and fine cheeses to Celtics Owner Wyc Grousbeck as thanks for a shortened, old-person friendly season.
- Delonte West must continue to be a furniture mover, and cannot return to the NBA under any circumstances.
- Kobe Bryant must wipe that smug grin off his face.
- Dirk Nowitzki will sign a legally-binding contract revealing to the world that he is in fact from Crested Butte, Colorado, and not Germany.
- Dwight Howard will play with one hand tied behind his back to 1.) Promote more offense, and 2.) Decrease by half the likelihood that he will behead one of the league's shorter superstars with an "unintentional" elbow.
- Derrick Rose will only play basketball on a court, and will not pretend he's a gay basketball-playing-toreador-amigo...oh wait, he's a bull. I just got that. Ok, that's kinda cool.
- As a further cost-saving measure, Conrad Murray will become the Minnesota Timberwolves' team doctor upon release from jail.
- Instead of fines, players criticizing NBA referees or owners will be subject to firing squad.
- Mark Cuban's 2012 tweets will be compiled and submitted to Congress for consideration as an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
- Kevin Durant will live in the home of a Thunder fan for the duration of the shortened season. The promotion will be called: "Thunder down under ... ya roof."
- The Miami Heat will be renamed to the Miami "Two and a Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will appear at home games to fire Miami TAAHM T-shirts into the crowd.
- Less-talented NBA coaches will be forced to hire to celebrity assistants to divert attention from their incompetence.
Some players are threatening to oppose the agreement, insisting that the players have given up too much, but a simple scan of the terms proves that the players managed to get a very reasonable deal.
Which guy looks like he won?
The terms of the agreement under consideration are as follows:
- The player/owner revenue split will go from 57/43 to 50/50, sending approximately 3 billion dollars to the owners.
- Given the ability to keep their finances from the public, owners will be allowed to continue to secretly shovel barrels of money into the cornucopia of financially insolvent teams overrun by boobs - namely, the WNBA.
- NBA players shown doing charitable work such as handing out Thanksgiving turkeys, building houses, and reading books to school children must actually perform the work. Standing in front of a blue screen and mimicking charitable behavior will no longer be accepted.
- Blake Griffin and LeBron James will spend one evening per month giving David Stern a sponge bath - undercarriage scrub included.
"I left a lucrative pitchman career for this?"
- The Boston Celtics starting lineup, with the exception of Rajon Rondo, will send a basket full of fruits and fine cheeses to Celtics Owner Wyc Grousbeck as thanks for a shortened, old-person friendly season.
- Delonte West must continue to be a furniture mover, and cannot return to the NBA under any circumstances.
- Kobe Bryant must wipe that smug grin off his face.
- Dirk Nowitzki will sign a legally-binding contract revealing to the world that he is in fact from Crested Butte, Colorado, and not Germany.
- Dwight Howard will play with one hand tied behind his back to 1.) Promote more offense, and 2.) Decrease by half the likelihood that he will behead one of the league's shorter superstars with an "unintentional" elbow.
- Derrick Rose will only play basketball on a court, and will not pretend he's a gay basketball-playing-toreador-amigo...oh wait, he's a bull. I just got that. Ok, that's kinda cool.
- As a further cost-saving measure, Conrad Murray will become the Minnesota Timberwolves' team doctor upon release from jail.
- Instead of fines, players criticizing NBA referees or owners will be subject to firing squad.
- Mark Cuban's 2012 tweets will be compiled and submitted to Congress for consideration as an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
The keys to the hidden evil lair?
I thought I gave them to you.
I thought I gave them to you.
- Kevin Durant will live in the home of a Thunder fan for the duration of the shortened season. The promotion will be called: "Thunder down under ... ya roof."
- The Miami Heat will be renamed to the Miami "Two and a Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will appear at home games to fire Miami TAAHM T-shirts into the crowd.
- Less-talented NBA coaches will be forced to hire to celebrity assistants to divert attention from their incompetence.
Wait, so I only have 66 games to drive
this franchise into the ground?
Challenge accepted.
So there you have it. The players clearly got a sa-weet deal.
Next up, training camp in December!
Merry Christmas, all. Let the awfulness begin.
BONUS:
Why do we need basketball back? Because this is the most exciting thing that can happen in hockey (start at the 1:10 mark for the fireworks):
this franchise into the ground?
Challenge accepted.
So there you have it. The players clearly got a sa-weet deal.
Next up, training camp in December!
Merry Christmas, all. Let the awfulness begin.
BONUS:
Why do we need basketball back? Because this is the most exciting thing that can happen in hockey (start at the 1:10 mark for the fireworks):
Apparently there's an NBA Lockout league of some sort going on out Vegas way. Of course, funnyordie is makin' hay with it. A little basketball, a little comedy. Might as well toss it up.
Labels: funnyordie.com, lockout, lockout league
Well, Blake Griffin has nothin to do, Steve Nash has nothin to do, and now Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Kevin Love now have too much time on their hands. The funnyordie people, even the women, must have constant erections to have this much acting talent at their disposal.
One admittedly amusing line: "You guys got weak-ass fingers."
If I really wanted to see an out-of-place actor, I'd just pick up the latest Blu-ray edition of Star Wars. My God, when is Goerge Lucas going to stop tinkering?
Or when basketball entertainment gets really sparse, we'll have to get super-creative with our alternatives, courtesy of Taiwan. Thanks, AnacondaHL:
One admittedly amusing line: "You guys got weak-ass fingers."
If I really wanted to see an out-of-place actor, I'd just pick up the latest Blu-ray edition of Star Wars. My God, when is Goerge Lucas going to stop tinkering?
Or when basketball entertainment gets really sparse, we'll have to get super-creative with our alternatives, courtesy of Taiwan. Thanks, AnacondaHL:
Labels: Kevin Love, lockout, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler
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