Well, Blake Griffin has nothin to do, Steve Nash has nothin to do, and now Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Kevin Love now have too much time on their hands. The funnyordie people, even the women, must have constant erections to have this much acting talent at their disposal.

One admittedly amusing line: "You guys got weak-ass fingers."

NBA Lockout: Lock-In from Tyson Chandler

If I really wanted to see an out-of-place actor, I'd just pick up the latest Blu-ray edition of Star Wars. My God, when is Goerge Lucas going to stop tinkering?

Black C-3PO - watch more funny videos

Or when basketball entertainment gets really sparse, we'll have to get super-creative with our alternatives, courtesy of Taiwan. Thanks, AnacondaHL:

Labels: Kevin Love, lockout, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler

I'm not so sure Shaq could do that these days. The tube might burst.
(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Alright, last post from me before my trip. I'm not going to mail this one in quite as bad as Shawn Marion does 99% of his games, but I'm not exactly at the peak of motivation either.

Also, last night's game photo selection is pretty turrible. Nothing all that funny. It happens. Hopefully we'll have some good ones when I get back next week.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

A very rare photo -- Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson spotted in his natural habitat

Chris Hunter -- Proud student of the Don Nelson School of _efense

It wasn't last night, but who can resist another picture of Shaq tubin'?
Nationally Televised Games:
Raptors at Lakers: The Lakers will look to avoid four consecutive losses for the first time in three seasons. Fortunately for them, the Craptors face the following problems: Hedo Turkoglu (Questionable: Ankle); Defense (OUT: Nonexistent all season) As Chris reminds us, "Let's remember that Toronto is the team that let Mamba drop 81 on them a few years ago, and for all their scant Leastern Conference playoff aspirations, their defense still resembles this."


All The Other Games:
76ers at Pacers: Hey, a chance for Philly to win consecutive games for the first time in over a month! (AKA: your Basketbawful Game of the Night)

Clippers at Magic: Writers have transitioned from calling them the "surging Clippers" to the "struggling Clippers." So, yeah, that just reaffirms that they are who we thought they were, as always.

Rockets at Wizards Generals Bullets: I just knew Daryl Morey was going to regret trading Carl Landry for Discount Store. It's nice to be right for once in a very rare while.

Heat at Bobcats: Do you remember the last time the Bobcats and Heat played each other in Charlotte? I'm sure Miami's players don't -- they all have gone through hypnotherapy and counseling to get rid of the memory of that 65 point offensive effort.

Jazz at Bulls: Joakim Noah's plantar fasciitis is just destroying his team. They have allowed 110 ppg and been outrebounded by over 7 rebounds each game since his injury. Oy. I would make a joke here, but I'm too busy cringing in pain.

Celtics at Bucks: When I looked at the Celtics stats and saw they had four consecutive wins, I was confused. It sure didn't feel that way. Then I looked at their schedule. Wins against Detroit, Charlotte, Philly, and Washington. Ah. Well, that explains things.

Kings at Frail Blazers: As a team, the Purple Paupers have shot a whopping 68.1% from the charity stripe in their last 11 games. In related news, they have only won four games when they shot under 72% from the free throw line. (Note to all ball players -- hit your free throws. They're free!)

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Shaq goes tubing, Shawn Marion

Editor's note: My good buddy and co-Basketbawful founder Statbuster did me a ginormous favor by writing the first seven entries for today's post. Thanks, dude! Also, make sure you take a look at our last word on Rudy...

Shawn Marion: The Sixers' Thaddeus Young dropped a career-high 29 on the Matrix tonight, and Marion topped it off with a game-worst plus/minus of -27. This is on top of 20 points from Kyle Korver and 31 from Al Harrington in the last 3 weeks. And for you advanced statologists, Marion's D-Rating (points allowed per 100 possessions) is at a career-worst this year. His scoring slide is no secret at this point, but whether it's age or apathy, Marion is not clamping down like he used to. If the 2005 version was The Matrix, the 2009 Shawn Marion is Matrix Revolutions.

Coaches who are dead inside: The secret to coaching a 15-win team is to never get your hopes up. Chris Paul had a triple-double against the Wizards, which included a Throw-Your-Hands-Up-In-Futility-style shot in the second half. After which, coach Ed Tapscott said: "I think he was saying to me, 'Keep trying, Coach. You might find something that'll stop me.' I'm looking in my pocket, thinking to myself, 'It’s just about empty right now, Chris.'" But, aw shucks, these front row seats are swell.

Sean Marks: The Wizards center received a DNP, but it's not the flu. It's flu-like symptoms, Which may or may not include beersomnia, excessive gas, laziness, and/or mud butt.

Andrei Kirilenko: Was the 2004 All-Star Game that long ago? Andrei spent most of the Jazz-Hawks game watching second-round pick CJ Miles steal his PT. And even when he did play, he didn't play. 4 points and 3 boards in 20 minutes, and the second-worst plus/minus of the night (-11). It could be worse. If they let him sing the Russian National Anthem before the game, Hacksaw Jim Duggan would have attacked him midway through the second verse.

Allen Iverson's legacy: Escaped another nut punch on Wednesday, thanks to the Pistons not winning again while he's out. Detroit lost to the Knicks despite having 4 starters with +20 points. AI's best years were when he was surrounded with role players that were perfectly content playing selfless defense and not shooting. The Pistons aren't that team. If we later find out that the Pistons hired that lady from Misery to "treat" AI's injury with Novril and a sledgehammer, don't be surprised.

NBA "Officiating": Sometimes traveling calls are only inconsistent, other times they aren't even trying. Wait...did D-Wade pick up his dribble outside the top of the key?!

The Starbury Comeback Tour: Rajon Rondo is out with a sore ankle, so Starbury got the start against the Heat. He lived down to expectations by going 0-for-6 with zero points in 24 minutes. That brings his five game total to 3 FGs, 9 turnovers and 9 fouls in 88 minutes. Much like the Steve and Barry's stores that used to sell his shoes, Starbury's box scores are now just empty and sad.

The Chicago Bulls: They were beaten about as soundly as a team can be beaten. They barely avoided season-lows in scoring (79) and field goal percentage (31.4). They bumbled the ball away 18 times that the Magic turned into 21 bonus points. Mind you, Rashard Lewis (Orlando's second-leading scorer) went 0-for-9 and Hedo Turkoglu (the Magic’s third-leading scorer) didn't even play. And the Bulls lost by 28. Yeah. It was that bad.

Things actually looked pretty good for Chicago when Dwight Howard got benched in the first quarter after two quick fouls. But his sub, Marcin Gortat, OWNED the Bulls over the last five minutes and 19 seconds of the quarter. I'm being completely serious. He scored 8 points on a tip-in, two layups and a nine-foot jumper. He grabbed 5 rebounds. Three of those boards were on the offensive end; one led to his tip-in and he tossed another out to J.J. Redick for a 28-foot three-pointer that gave the Magic a 24-11 lead with 59 seconds left in the quarter. It's like the Bulls forget he was on the floor.

Said Gortat: "I really don't care if they respect me or not. I'm just going to try to punish them and do my job. If that was one of the reasons why, if they disrespected me today, that was one of the reasons they lost." He's not wrong. Gortat finished with 13 points (6-for-8) and a game-high 15 rebounds (not to mention a game-high 5 offensive boards). Keep in mind that he averages 3.2 points and 4.0 rebounds per game.

Oh, and Orlando's bench contributed 56 points...only 23 fewer than the Bulls scored in the entire game. Ugly, awful, dreadful game.

Tyrus Thomas: Two of his 13 shots were attempted in his range, by which I mean, at the basket. The other 11 were jumpers from 23 feet, 20 feet, 19 feet, etc. WHY IS TYRUS THOMAS SHOOTING JUMP SHOTS?! This man is driving me crazy. He's having a love affair with his jump shot, only his jump shot is like a secret girlfriend who doesn't really exist. In addition to going 4-for-13 from the field -- and his 13 shots were a team-high, by the way -- Tyrus finished with only 5 rebounds (none of which were offensive) despite playing a game-high 37 minutes. At one point in the third quarter, he lofted yet another balky jumper (from 20 feet) and immediately started lazily backpedaling despite the fact that the shot was pretty clearly off target. He never crashed the boards. He was totally lost on defense, particularly in pick and roll situations. Derrick Rose got picked by Ty's man three times in the third. Not once did Tyrus switch off, and Rose's guy, Rafer Alston, strolled in for three uncontested layups. Each time, Derrick turned, disgusted, to the sidelines and held up his hands in a "Are you watching this crap?" gesture to Vinny Del Negro.

I wonder if there's any way John Paxson can trade Thomas for Gortat, straight up.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Fail, noun, a word that describes what it means to lose by 25 to a team that had been riding the awesome wave of a 10-game losing streak.

Kevin Love, spread-the-wealth machine: Check out this juicy bit from the AP recap: "Love had 19 points, 11 rebounds and a career-high four assists..."

A career-high? Really? Remember, this is the guy who's NBA.com Draft Report said: "...his vision and willingness to pass out of the post are unparalleled for a player his age, making him one of the best passing big men at any level." Considering his rep for distributing the rock, 4 assists seems a little low for his career-high. But I checked the game log, and that number is correct (although he also had 4 dimes against the Pistons on January 28).

Still, I'll eat a little crow and admit that Love is turning out to be much better than I gave him credit for earlier this season. And he sure showed up O.J. Mayo last night.

Ron Artest: Wild Yams, who had quite the busy day commenting on Blockfrombehindgate at TrueHoop yesterday, had this to say about Ron-Ron: "Ron Artest deserves a mention in tomorrow's WotN. Not only was he horrendous on offense (4-for-16 for 11 points, including 0-for-8 from three-point range, along with 5 fouls and 6 TOs), but he got into Kobe's face in the fourth quarter and trash talked him, and this seemed to spur Kobe on to taking over the game and eventually giving the Lakers the win. Kobe was predictably humble after the game: "It wasn't much of a battle. I kicked his ass tonight. We've had some battles in the past and he's gotten the best of me a few times. Tonight, I got the best of him." He also said Artest had never talked trash to him before and that "he should know better." Probably even worse than just getting Kobe mad though, Artest tried to do way too much on offense, and this ended up taking the ball out of the hands of flamethrower-hot Von Wafer, who made all six shots he took in the 4th quarter. Meanwhile, Artest was 1-5 in the fourth quarter, along with 3 fouls, 1 technical and 2 turnovers (also all in the 4th quarter). On the other end of the floor, during the game's final seven minutes, Artest let Kobe score 18 of the Lakers last 23 points, thus enabling the Lakers to overcome a 14 point 2nd half deficit to win. Way to single-handedly sink your team, Ron-Ron."

This entry would not be complete without a little video:



George Karl, history buster: From the AP recap of the Thunder-Nuggets game: "Denver's win guaranteed Karl his 17th straight non-losing season. He surpassed Red Auerbach and Jerry Sloan for the third-longest such streak in NBA history, trailing only Pat Riley (19) and Phil Jackson (18-active)." Okay. Red Auerbach, Jerry Sloan, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, George Karl. One of these things is NOT like the others...

By the way, typing out "Thunder-Nuggets" made me chuckle. Say it out loud. It's fun.

Robert Swift versus Chris Andersen: Basketbawful reader Eric G. wrote in to say: "Wow. Robert Swift and the Birdman are in the Thunder-Nuggets game and they're guarding each other! Has there even been a more tattooed scrawny, lanky, tall, white guy matchup in NBA history? Maybe they look less ridiculous because they're standing next to each other?" I cannot find a picture of this epic duel. Please, somebody help me out!

By the way, neither man could contain the other: Birdzilla scored 10 on 5-for-6 shooting (to go with 5 rebounds and 4 blocked shots) and Swift erupted for 10 too (on 4-for-5 from the field). You can't stop them, you can only hope to contain them they go to a tanning bed.

Bonus lulz from the AP recap: "That left the Nuggets without much of a bench beyond swingman Chris Andersen, who strained his right calf when Robert Swift toppled over him while they were going for a loose ball with 9:37 left before halftime." I love this game!

Vince Carter: I losing to the Warriors in Golden State, the Nets failed to make a move in the standings and remain two spots out of the playoffs despite the recent struggles of the Bucks and Bulls. And I'm going to put this 4-point setback on Vince Carters saggy shoulders. He scored 14 points on 5-for-18 shooting against a team that hasn't played defense in, what, three or four years? Vinsanity was 1-for-4 on layups and 4-for-13 on his jumpers. He also had more fouls (4) and turnovers (3) than rebounds (2) or assists (2). Dude, if you can't pad your stats against the Warriors...

Lacktion report: Speaking of helping me out, Chris continues to provide his daily lacktion expertise:

Raptors-Sixers: Two of the Little Three of Lacktivity finally were told to dress in game clothes for the Craptors, yet only one delivered. Patrick O'Bryant was well on his way to a three trillion, only to make his prehistoric check (in tablet format!) worthless with a board. Jake Voskuhl on the other hand professed his love for Princess Peach with a 2-second Super Mario -- which both ESPN and Yahoo claim was worth a +/- mark of a staggering -15!!!!

Kareem Rush did give the Sixers some lacktion of his own, giving up the rock once and tossing a brick for a suck differential of +2 in 2:26. (Speaking of Philadelphia-based part-time lacktators, Royal Ivey apparently admits that his current role with the team isn't "glamorous" at all. Well, this is what happens when you slump into contributory basketball and out of the Internet-wide recognition of a All-Lacktion roster spot...)

Hornets-Wizards: Hilton Armstrong loved the accommodations at the Verizon Center, actually scoring one field goal. However, with a giveaway and two fouls in 8:12, that was not enough to avoid being billed for a 3:2 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Knicks-Pistons: Arron Affalo can't wait for his never-been-opened copy of Paperboy to arrive at an Oakland County mailbox, as he gave the home team a 7-second Super Mario! And in good news for the lacktion enthusiasts of the world, according to ESPN.com, Mike D'Antoni has picked up Cheikh Samb in his quest for 7 seconds or less of contributory ball -- so does that mean he will be sporting a Knicks jersey for the All-Lacktion Game? Stay tuned.

Grizzlies-Wolves: Chris Mihm may no longer be near the glitzy world of Hollywood, but his life amongst the rich and famous has prepared him for wealth acquisition like none other, as he gave the bear cubs a 1.2 trillion bounty!

Paul Pierce: This is a little retroactive but worth it: The Truth high fives some Celtic fans and then abruptly stops when he gets to the kid in the LeBron jersey. Cold. (From Barstool Sports via Ball Don't Lie.)

Labels: coaches who are dead inside, Ron Artest, Sean Marks, Shawn Marion, Worst of the Night

Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot: See that picture? Bango got hurt! During All-Star game festivities. No, really.


It's all fun and games until a man dressed as an animal tears his ACL falling through a basketball hoop. The Bucks, of course, released a statement: "While gazelle-like dunks and agile maneuvers around the court will be impossible for a time, the heart of Bucks game-night entertainment and the emotional leader of Bucks fans of all ages will continue to lead fan enthusiasm at home games."

Take-backs: Just when the people of Oklahoma City had something (other than Kevin Durant's scoring) to get excited about, Tyson Chandler magically became a Hornet again. If you consider "failing a physical because of turf toe" to be magical. Wow. This is the first time -- in any sport -- I've heard about a turf-toe condition killing a trade. And he failed a physical because of it? I guess that physical had a lot of toe-related tests. ("Okay, Tyson, we need to you push this two-ton granite slab across the court and then fight off a pack of wild dogs...using only your toe. Now: GO!") Why do I get the feeling that Thunder GM Sam Presti rather have expiring contracts than Chandler's salary, which will be close to $12 million next season?

And now Chandler is heading back to New Orleans. I'm sure he'll be totally psyched to get healthy and play hard for a team that was willing to give him away for table scraps. Can't you just imagine Byron Scott calling him and saying, "Tyson, we NEED you!" and Chandler responding, "Sorry, coach, my toe...it's still pretty sore." I can then envision him hanging up before erupting into evil laughter as he destroys a marble bust of James Bond using the laser attachment on his new bionic toe implant.

The Indiana Pacers: Honestly, they didn't have much of a chance to beat the Bobcats after Danny Granger left the game with a sprained right foot. Granger scored 12 points in 10 minutes before he went down. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "Not enough weapons. When we lost Danny, obviously that hurts a great deal. We just didn't make enough shots. We had a lot of open shots in the fourth quarter, point-blank shots, and didn’t make them." By the way, Granger is currently sixth in the league in scoring (behind D-Wade, LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Durant and Dirk Nowitzki) at 25.0 PPG. But he plays for the Pacers, so it's like those points don't even exist. I might as well say he's averaging 43 snipe per game and has collected two pieces of the Triforce so far this season.

By the way, Indiana's Troy Murphy is averaging 13.1 PPG, 11.4 RPG and 43 percent three-point shooting. Meanwhile, New York's David Lee is averaging 16.4 PPG, 11.8 RPG and 56 percent shooting (all layups). Only nobody (outside of the beat writers covering the Pacers for the Associated Press) is talking about Murphy while many people are all like, "OH MY GOD, DAVID LEE!" I'm not trying to agree with Bill Simmons or anything, but Mike D'Antoni sure has changed the perception of Lee's career.

Update! I swear I'm not talking out of my you-know-what here. Take a look at Lee's advanced stats. Now look at Murphy's. Lee is a couple points ahead in PER, but he's played almost 200 more minutes and has a higher Usage Rate (19.1 to 16.1). But their Per 36 Minute numbers are pretty much the same, as are their Offensive/Defensive Ratings and True Shooting Percentage. Lee's one big advantage over Murphy, as Wild Yams pointed out, is contract size: Lee's contract is $4.47 million for this year and next year while Murphy's is $33.14m for the next three years. But keep in mind that Lee will be a restricted free agent this summer...and people will be throwing money at him. I guarantee it. So that advantage may not be so advantageous six months from now...

Ben Wallace: AK Dave turned me on to this story: "Wallace explained Wednesday how he cut his right arm crashing through a car window during a street football game in Richmond, Va., over the All-Star break. Wallace needed 14 stitches to close the cut, then had more glass removed from his arm at the Cleveland Clinic the following day. ... Asked who won the collision with the car, Wallace said he did, then paused. 'I guess,' he said. 'The window didn't bleed. I don't think it was made to bleed.' The play didn’t go down as a reception, either. 'That was the biggest disappointment,' Wallace said. 'I dropped the ball. That's good D.'"

As AK Dave put it: "Riiiight...that's the biggest disappointment? How about cutting the shit out of your arm and injuring yourself playing a game that thousands of school children manage to play everyday withOUT ramming into parked cars?" One good thing did come out of the injury, though...

Delonte West, advice machine: Also pointed out by AK Dave. Said Wallace: "Delonte told everybody, 'When you go on this break, don't do anything that's going to stop you from coming back and being with the team. Be careful, get a couple of workouts in and just enjoy the break.' I should have taken his advice." Who would have guessed that listening to Delonte West could help anyone avoid tragedy.

Shawn Marion: Finally! Finally The Matrix is out of the shadows of guys like Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Dwyane Wade. And with Chris Bosh still out with a knee injury, the Craptors became Marions team...if only for a night. Well, I know what you're thinking, Shawn, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since your bitched and moaned your way out of Phoenix: Why, oh why didn't you take the blue pill? Marion scored only 10 points on 4-for-9 shooting to go with 6 rebounds, 6 assists and 2 blocked shots in a game-high 40 minutes. Not exactly the kind of superstar impact you might from a guy who whined and pouted his way into a trade last year when Steve Kerr didn't give him a max contract extension. As an aside, the Craptors shot 36 percent, scored only 76 points and lost by 17 at home to the Craboliers. And Marion didn't have much impact on Toronto's team defense, either, since the Crabs shot almost 60 percent for the game.

Here's some bonus Matrix, regarding his unhappiness in Miami (via dunkside): "The game is supposed to be exciting. I'm tired of playing that boring style in the half court, watching everybody just go up and run plays, call this play. That's boring. The fans don't enjoy it either. People like to see you get up and down, have high-scoring games and dunks and all that stuff. That's what it's about." Reminder: This is the same guy who WANTED OUT OF PHOENIX. Wow. Still, it could have been worse. The Craptors could still have...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Heat are a mere one game into the Jermaine O'Neal Era and Pat Riley is already finding out why I call him "The Drain." O'Neal scored 13 points (6-for-9), but he only grabbed a single, lonely rebound in 27 minutes. One board, Jermaine? Really?! To put that into perspective, Brian Cardinal -- yes, that Brian Cardinal -- grabbed 10 rebounds in 16 minutes as part of 49-24 Minnesota's 49-24 rebounding advantage. And then there was The Drain's in-game injury: "[O'Neal] sustained a right eye injury in the third quarter and missed 13 minutes before returning late." Yeah, it was a freak accident. But for a guy who couldn't say healthy if you locked him in a plastic bubble...not too surprising, either. Said The Drain: "I would not have scripted this for my first game. Absolutely not."

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had his routinely spectacular game -- 37 points, 12 assists, 4 steals, only 1 turnover -- but the Heat lost at home to the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves. The reasons included poor rebounding (as described above), bad defense (Minny shot almost 54 percent) and an inability to stop Sebastian Telfair, who had a career-high 30 points and 8 assists. Said Wade: "It's a terrible loss." And that's a terrible understatement.

Kevin McHale (via Sebastian Telfair), quote machine: After the game, Telfiar described McHale's pregame motivational speech: "He asked us if we were going to be pros or punks. We decided to be pros." Can you imagine McHale, who looks like an elderly Herman Munster, asking a bunch of young ball players if they want to be punks? That's comedy.

The Philadelphia 76ers: What happened to the run? What happened to the fun? The previous night's road loss to the Pacers was followed up by a double-digit home loss to the Nuggets. Philly shot only 32 percent and missed 10 free throws. And you know who hurt the Sixers the most...?

Andre Iguodala: The Sixers were recently "re-Branded" Iggy's team. Last night, fouled out after only 27 minutes during which he scored 10 points (1-for-6), matched Jermaine O'Neals rebounding effort for the Heat and committed 3 turnovers. Way to lead by example, Andre. Assuming you're leading your team to Failsville.

The Orlando Magic: You know what hurts? I'll tell you: 32-point losses in which a team shoots 37 percent while "limiting" their opponent to just under 60 percent accuracy. And the 16 missed free throws? Salt in the gooey wound. Oh, and you can squirt some lemon juice on it too, since Dwight Howard's double-double streak was stuffed and mounted. And yes, I realize I stat cursed him yesterday. My bad. But in all fairness, Stan Van Gundy sat him when the game got out of hand. He would have gotten those extra two rebounds if he'd played more than 29 minutes.

Stan Van Gundy, excuse machine: Chris Paul sliced and diced the Magic for 36 points (14-for-22), 6 rebounds, 10 assists and 3 steals. And apparently, beyond the numbers, he also caused Orlando's entire roster to forget how to play the game of basketball. Said Stan the Man: "It was one of those nights a player just obliterated us. You can complain about your defense all you want, but sometimes great players just make you look worse than you are." Sorry, Stan. Paul didn't make your team look bad. He just held up the mirror.

P.S. The Magic need Jameer Nelson back. Badly.

The Milwaukee Bucks: If you were going to guess that someone on the Bulls beat the Bucks with a season-high 31 points that included an 18-point fourth-quarter explosion, you'd probably assume it was Ben Gordon, Derrick Rose or even Luol Deng. But nope: It was Kirk Hinrich, who shot 8-for-14 from the field, 5-for-6 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. He also had 4 steals, two of which came on back-to-back possessions during a crucial stretch in the final period after Milwaukee had pulled to within three points. Kirk went the other way for a layup after the first steal, hit a triple after the second, and then hit a jumper the next time Chicago had the ball to put the Bulls up by 10. That was the game-breaker. So, to sum up: Milwaukee was owned by Captain Kirk Hinrich. Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles: "Kirk had a great game, obviously shooting the ball and scoring. He just took our guards and made us look pretty silly on several occasions because he was playing so hard." Substitute "silly" for "sad," and you're right on the mark, Scott.

The New Jersey Nets: They were blasted by the Mavericks and Jason Kidd (23 points, 7-for-10, 10 assists) made Mark Cuban look like a genuis...for a night. Kidd also hit five of his six three-pointers, whereas Devin Harris, Kidd's All-Star replacement in New Jersey, missed all six of his triples and shot 5-for-18 overall (and he had a game-high 4 turnovers). When you get beaten, and soundly, because of Jason Kidd's SHOOTING, well, it's time to start putting hands in people's faces. Sidenote: Vince Carter scored 15 points on 21 shots and had a plus-minus score of -19.

The Sacramento Kings: J-Kidd wasn't the only player to have a revenge game last night. Mike Bibby tormented his old team by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting and going number two in the visitors locker room without flushing the toilet. Sacto now has the NBA's worst record at 11-44. But hey, at least they have Andres Nocioni and his giant contract that runs through, what, 2017?

Kevin Martin, "I know who that guys is" machine: Regarding Bibster's performance: "Bibby was Bibby tonight." True. But who knows? Maybe tonight he'll be Juan, the naughty cabana boy...

Portland Trail Blazer fans: Get this: They booed Darius Miles last night, presumably because he cost them all that cap room by, you know, getting healthy and resuming a career that the Blazers tried to prevent him from resuming. What a bastard. Said Miles: "I got booed when I had a Portland jersey on. It's not the first time I’ve heard them."

Greg Oden: Okay. It's official. The Blazers should have taken Durant.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, the Clippers are a joke. We know that. But damn: They gave up 140 points for the second night in a row to the same team, only this time it happened at home. In professional wrestling terms, that makes them a jobber. What, does Mike Dunleavy Sr. have some stake in keeping Amare Stoudemire in Phoenix? Not only did his team make Steve Kerr look like a genius for firing Terry Porter and putting Alvin Gentry in charge, they pretty much killed any possibility that the Suns will deal STAT. Amare scored 41 points on 15-for-20 shooting, and 29 of those came in the first half. The Suns shot almost 60 percent and commmited only 7 turnovers. Oh, and Goran Dragic dunked on them AGAIN (on his way to scoring 12 points on 5-for-7 shooting). Way to be a bunch of shooting props, Clippers.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: Thanks to Clifton for providing this one: "Camby, who had his ear drained Wednesday, is awaiting work on whether he'll get medical clearance to fly to Portland for the Sunday's game. 'We're inventing new ways to get hurt,' Dunleavy said. 'I mean, in the annals of the league, what's the percentages of one of your players flying on an airplane and his ear drum caves in? I mean, it's like, what other kind of injury can happen?'" Wow. I hope he knocked on some wood when he said that. As Clifton put it: "Ohhhhh. Stat curse, Señor Dunleavy. I'm calling it. How wacky can we go? Frostbite from a freak liquid-nitrogen accident? Critically infected papercut on the tongue from licking an envelope longways instead of up-and-down? Or will they just start listing 'apathy' as a documented reason for missing games?"

The Golden State Warriors: They led against the Lakers for most of the game, and could have won with only a few defensive stops in the final minutes. Defensive stops? The Warriors?! Bwahahahahaha! Yeah. L.A. went on a late 17-3 run that began with back-to-back threes by Trevor Ariza, who padded his stats by scoring 17 points on 7-for-12 shooting. Said Ariza: "I just hit open shots, that was it. The ball came to me, and I had nothing but time, so it was like playing in practice." That's the Warriors' D for you: It's like playing in practice.

Lacktion report: Chris came here to report lacktion and chew bubble gum. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Nuggets-Sixers: Renaldo Balkman gave Denver a 1.7 trillion payday!

Pacers-Bobcats: Juwan Howard pressed "Start" on his bawful evening with a 37-second Mario for Larry Brown.

Grizzlies-Blazers: Greg Buckner may have gone against form with three lacktion-ruining boards, but luckily Marko Jaric saved the day as a substitute lacktator, bricking twice for a suck differential of +2 in 4:04.

Hawks-Kings: The statline difference between sometimes-lacktator Acie Law and THE Mario West shows why one Hawk will be on a first-name basis for years, while the other needed a failed bet to get on the news. Law laid down a brick, but then handcuffed himself with an assist, while Mr. West once again dusted off a cartridge with his namesake stat, a 12 second Mario that somehow included a foul!

Lakers-Warriors: Don Nelson had Jermareo Davidson stomp a Goomba tonight with a single-brick 40-second Mario.

Tom Ziller, quote machine: Mr. Ziller recently had this to say about our intrepid lacktion reporter: "That Chris guy is hilarious. I didn't know we had funny people in Sacramento. Send my thumbs up."

Siohvaughn Wade: Pookie is suing his ex-wife for defamation after she claimed he cheated on her and gave her an STD. You can't make this stuff up.

Rick Adelman: Adelman got upset at Knee-Mac for not informing the team of his decision to shut down for the season and get microfracture surgery for his achy-breaky knee before he went to the media. Said Rick: "There should be a protocol, there should be a procedure where we have a chance to sit down and talk about the situation and not be announced in the press. I don't know why that happened, why he did that. Certainly, that is not the way things should be handled." True. But then, the Rockets probably should have noticed that their was something worse than "general soreness" going on with McGrady's knee for the past several months. They told him he just had to play his knee back to health. Whoops.

Stuart Scott: I got the following email from Basketbawful reader William:

This didn't happen on the court, but I think it qualifies for a "Worst of." Background, I'm a C's fan, watching the Hornets-Magic game on ESPN. At halftime Stuart Scott tosses out this gem:

"Here's another reason why Boston might need to make a trade, because last year they had the best record in the East, and it took them seven games to beat Cleveland. Right now, the Cavaliers have the best record in the East. And they are running away with the East."

Last time I checked the standings (which was after the Cav's win tonight) they looked like this: Boston 44-11, Cleveland 41-11.

I know everyone hates the Celtics, but is it really fair to just flat-out lie about the standings? Or is he just too lazy to check said standings? Being behind by three in the win column is not 'running away with the East.' And can we please drop the 'seven games' bull? Yes, the Cavs took us to a decisive seventh game. The Hawks did too. That is not an accomplishment. Getting a ring is an accomplishment.

Penn State versus Illinois: This is a real final score: Penn St. 38, Illinois 33. Dear God. And Rush the Court pointed out that: "...as ESPN’s copy editors put it, Penn St. powered past Illinois." I'm getting cold chills. Not the good kind, either. (Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, rescinded trades, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler

Thanks to Michael W. for today's pic.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Despite the temptation, I'm not going to crack on them for letting the Bobcats shoot for the game. I will, however, laugh mockingly at the following facts: They got choke-slammed on the boards (44-28), missed 10 foul shots (25-for-35) and committed 21 turnovers (which led to 23 points for the 'Cats). That combination of flubups sure makes it hard to win. Or, you know, lose with dignity.

Rudy Gay: He recovered from a brutal three-game stretch in which he went 13-for-39 from the field to score 26 points on 10-for-15 shooting. BUT...he had 7 of his team's 21 lost balls. That's a lot of balls to lose. I said balls. Said Gay: "I know personally I turned the ball over a couple of useless times. We just have to play more solid." Notice how quickly he went from "I" to "We"?

Emeka Okafor: I haven't forgotten about The Okafor Watch! Last night, the mighty Oak went off for 20 and 15 to go along with 3 steals and 3 blocked shots. But, of course, he had zero assists. It was the eighth time the last 13 games that he had a goose egg in the assist column. In the other five games, he had 1 assist. So far on the season, he has 25 zero-assist outings and 14 others in which he notched only 1 assist. And that accounts for all but three games! In that other trio of games, he had 2, 3, and 4 assists, respectively. The current Watch standings: 404 shot attempts, 199 free throw attempts, 23 assists and 83 turnovers. His mother obviously didn't teach him to share.

The Toronto Craptors: Bad shooting? Check (42 percent). Beaten on the boards? Check (40-28). Ineffective defense? Check (3 steals, 1 block and an opponent field goal percentage of 50+ percent). Another double-digit road loss? Check (95-76). Seven straight losses? Very check (and 28 overall). Said Raptors coach Jay Triano: "We need to do a better job of fighting through adversity. I don't know why, but when we get down, we seem to lose confidence and hang our heads a little." I'm not a sports psychologist or anything, but not being very good doesn't usually do much to boost team confidence.

Kwame Brown: Basketbawful reader jhaig left the following comment: "Originally from The Raptors Blog by Doug Smith: 'Action: A halftime stroll. Reaction: A strange, telling sight. Maybe this tells you everything you need to know about a guy. Walking down a hallway by the Pistons locker room at halftime, spied Kwame Brown coming out of the press room with a full bag of popcorn. Seems he'd ducked in to grab some food put out for the grunts and others.'"

The Phoenix Suns: Battered by a jillion in Boston and then neutered in New York? That's a sorry two-game stretch for a team that, in theory, has the talent to contend for a title. The Suns have now lost four of five, a slump that includes a home loss to the Timberwolves. Said Steve Nash: "Before this five-game stretch, I was feeling pretty good about our team and I felt like we had turned a corner, and so to take two steps back here lately has been frustrating. I'm not sure I have the answers for it."

Amare Stoudemire: Okay, STAT needs to spend less time filming cutsie videos to convince people he's an All-Star and more time playing like one. He followed up his stinker against the Celtics (3 points on 0-for-7 shooting) by shooting 6-for-17 against one of the league's worst defenses. Oh, and he got posterized by David Lee...


Shaq: The Big Geritol dropped 18 points on the Knicks in the first half but was held to a single field goal in the second as David Lee (25 points, 16 boards) soundly outplayed him. Said Lee: "When [O'Neal] was rested more in the first half, there's nothing I can obviously do to keep him from going where he wants to go. In the second half, I think he got a little worn down. That's what it's like sometimes on a road trip. I was able to keep running up and down a little bit." It sorta seems like teams can game plan for Shaq to quiet down as the game progresses. That's...great. Oh, and Shaq-ovic was only 5-for-13 from the line as the Suns missed 14 free throws in the 5-point loss. I'm just sayin'.

The Miami Heat defense: The fact that the Celtics shot 51 percent and dominated the boards (48-30) isn't all that surprising, I guess. But Eddie House set season-high by scoring 20 points in the second quarter! House finished with 25 on 9-for-15 from the field, which included 7-for-11 shooting accuracy from downtown. (It was Eddie's first 20-point game since -- you guessed it! -- he did it against the Heat in Miami on January 29, 2008.) Speaking of three-point shooting, Ray Allen was 5-for-6 from distance and the Celtics finished a season-best 15-for-25 from beyond the arc. Memo to the Heat: It's called "hand in the face." Try it. You'll like it. I think.

Shawn Marion: I think this snippet from the AP recap says it all: "Shawn Marion, who was limited to eight minutes -- he took treatment for a sore left groin throughout the day but wound up starting -- missed an easy dunk, perhaps the ultimate lowlight for Miami." No wonder Pat Riley's considering trading Marion for Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. That, in and of itself, tells you how far Marion has fallen of the "Most-coveted NBA Players" chart. Speaking of signs...

The Dallas Mavericks: A 33-point road loss to a sub-.500 team is a sure sign that this team is so far past it's freshness date that it's time to throw it away and buy a new box of Twinkies. The offense was putrid (36 percent shooting), sure, but the defense, oh dear lord in heaven, the defense! Milwaukee scored 133 points while hitting almost 58 [!!] percent of their shots for the game. Welcome to the NBA, Allas Mavericks! Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "The second quarter they shot 83 percent from the field. The third quarter they shot 74. I am just disappointed particularly in the way the second and third quarters came down. We're better than that, and we should be better than that." Added Dirk Nowitzki: "It's just embarrassing, really. They got whatever they wanted—wide-open shots, drives, layups." Hey, Dirk, here's a copy of that memo I sent the Heat...

Basketbawful reader Mladen added: "The Mavs starters' Plus-Minus scores were: -14, -19, -10, -12, and -22. Mark Cuban might just injure his neck soon. Oh, and in case you were wondering how did Cuban's prized possession Dampier did: 2 points (0-for-3 shooting), 8 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Although, he did get two blocks and he didn't miss a free throw. (The -10 belongs to him, so I guess that makes him the best starter last night.) Certainly worth the money they chose not to invest in Steve Nash."

Mark Cuban: Basketbawful reader Mladen sent this in: "And here's my favorite quote from the AP recap: '...but Dallas never made a run leaving Mavs owner Mark Cuban shaking his head just behind the bench.'" Mladen also noted that the headline on NBA.com was "Bucks Run Past Mavericks In Laugher." I don't think Marky Mark was laughing very much.

Comcast: Basketbawful reader Sam writes in: "I just hope no one from Seattle was watching in the Philly area..."


Update! Comcast, unintentionally dirty cable provider: AK Dave, regarding the above graphic, noted: "Comcast should get an unintentionally dirty mention for the 'Sports Packages' they have listed on that graphic." Seriously. And, uh, doesn't Comcast usually charge $5.99 for those special viewings? That's what I've heard, anyway...

The New Jersey Nets: The Hornets were without David West (back spasms), Tyson Chandler (left ankle) and Chandler's backup Hilton Armstrong (left knee). And, mind you, New Orleans is NOT a deep team. But they still dropped the Nets by double-digits as Chris Paul barely missed a triple-double (29 points, 9 rebounds, 8 assists). Nets coach Lawrence Frank said: "In the third quarter, frustration took over. We missed some easy shots, we got some fouls called against us. At times we did not take great shots."

Vince Carter: Despite the loss, New Jersey's fourth straight defeat, Vinsane was feeling good. "We let one slip away. But the positive I take out of it is that we were able to fight back and not lay down. We lost by 10 points or so, but I think guys continued to fight, continued to play hard just to chip away and try to get ourselves back in it. They just did a great job of closing us out." That's right, Vince! The glass is half full! (Of crap.)

Carlos Boozer: Yes, the Jazz lost, but here was Milsap's line: 20 points (9-for-15) and 12 rebounds despite limited minutes due to foul trouble. So, uh, Carlos who?

The Portland Trail Blazer defense: Rolling over for LeBron James (34 points and 14 assists) is one thing, but giving up a season-high 33 points -- including a career-high six 3-pointers -- to Mo Williams is a little less excusable. The Cavaliers shot almost 53 percent for the game and hit 11-for-19 from the Land of Three. Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "When you're opposing players like LeBron James and Mo Williams, especially at their best, you've got to be more aggressive." Gee, Nate, ya think?! Can I get that memo I made for the Heat back from Dirk and the Mavs so I can give it to the Blazers? Thanks.

The Sacramento Kings: A few days ago, I named the Kings the Worst Team in the League. And, as if to prove me right, they immediately dropped a home game against the worst team in the East. Way to step down to the challenge, Sacramento! The Kings, by the way, have yet to defeat an Eastern Conference team. It was bad enough that they let the Wiz score 110 points on 52 percent shooting, but here's some added perspective for you from the AP recap: "Having failed to score 100 or more points in 11 of the past 12 games, the Wizards went over the 100-point mark on a Darius Songaila basket with 5:04 left in the game." Wow, huh?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Oh, they are SO who we thought they were. Minus their four best players -- Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Chris Kaman (strained left arch), Zach Randolph (sore left knee) and Marcus Camby (sprained left ankle) -- the Clippers were forced to let Brian Skinner man the middle with predictably disastrous results: Andrew Bynum scored career-high 42 points (on 17-for-24 shooting) to go along with 15 rebounds. That made Bynum the first Laker other than Kobe Bryant to drop 40 since Shaq had 48 against Boston on March 21, 2003. Speaking of Kobe, he had his second triple-double in three games (18 points, 10 rebounds, 12 assists). It might be time to change the Clippers team name to "The Los Angeles Props."

The Golden State Warriors: It's never good to lose at home. It's even worse to lose to the worst team (record-wise) in the NBA. And it's even WORSTER to do it the way the Warriors did it: After scoring 121 points (which included a mind-boggling 38-for-40 from the charity stripe) on 52 percent shooting. Of course, that'll happen when you give up 122 points, the last 2 of which came on a buzzer-beater from Jeff Green. It was the Thunder's third road win of the season.

Don Nelson, quote machine: Alex B noted a little grumpiness in Nelson's post-game comments: "Not sure if you've seen this one, but here's what Nellie had to say about Jeff Green's buzzer beater that won the game for the Thunder against that lousy team of his. 'I don't believe (Green) called bank on the shot. I believe he shot it so poorly it went in. It was one of those shots.' Now I don't know if that's WotN material, but it sure sounds like a combination of sour grapes and desperately sad trombone to me. Especially since the Warriors had allowed 120 points prior to that game-winning shot. From the Thunder. At home." Alex, that is most definitely WotN material. Thank you.

NBA.com: Thanks to Josh, Gab V. and Pabjor for passing this along. Apparently, Derrick Rose is the most prolific rookie scoring machine in, like, forever. You'd think the Bulls would have a better record with rose averaging more than 1,600 points per game...


Lacktion report: Chris speaks, er, writes again:

Grizzlies-Bobcats: It looks like the Grizzlies will definitely have a starter for the All-Lacktion Team as Greg Buckner has honed the art of being a regular non-factor, showing up tonight with +1 (turnover) in 3:12. For Charlotte, Mark Cuban's Folly, er, DeSagana Diop proved why he recently earned a one-way ticket out of the Mavs, by grabbing a rebound that interfered with a solid three minutes of mediocrity (where he fouled twice).

Suns-Knicks: The matchup of the two Mike 'antoni squads past and present was full of offense and efense (yep, no D!) with both teams breaking the century mark. So could there still be some stunningly bland statlines? Oh yes -- Alando Tucker gave the ball away once for +1 in 4:02 for Phoenix.

Celtics-Heat: Patrick O'Bryant served as tonight's human victory cigar for Boston, netting Doc Rivers and his squad a solid 2.5 trillion fortune. But this one-time creation of wealth doesn't compare to the consistency of another probable All-Lacktion superstar, Yakhouba Diawara, who keeps the Heat's spot on the lacktion reports nice and warm. Diawara bricked thricely from past the arc for +3 in 7:44, while apparently Jamaal Magloire has become his apprentice, matching his teammate's +3 (in 6:21) via foul, missed shot, and turnover. Since the Heat are still in some way under Pat Riley's watch, the "ffense" approach (no O!) was only fitting, except that that also required a defensive effort that didn't happen, as the Celtics' run through slumpbusting teams continues.

Raptors-Pistons: With Jake Voskuhl not getting any court time this evening in Auburn Hills, Toronto needed a fresh face to live down to low expectations, and they got it in rookie Nathan Jawai, whose first game in the Association saw him losing the ball to the Pistons once for a +1 in 3:05. Jawai, originally picked by the Pacers but then sent along to the Raptors as a traveling companion for The Drain, was until tonight in the NBA D-League. This apparently gave him time to be interviewed by AOL Fanhouse about nearly being eaten by a crocodile. I wonder how many rookies over the years have racked lacktion in their first ever appearance, and how many of those folks have gone the extra mile to take home a bonus trillion. You only get one chance to make an unimpressive first impression after all!

Jazz-Rockets: Jarron Collins bricked once and took a foul to give Utah +2 in 5:20.

Wizards-Kings: Suckramento's Bobby Jackson missed two shots (once from downtown) for +2 in 5:50.

Cavs-Blazers: Tarence Kinsey is to lacktion what King Crab is to scoring - truly elite. And when called upon to do absolutely nothing in the name of bawful, Kinsey delivered this evening at the Rose Garden. He knocked in a 26 second Mario, a fine nonperformance alongside the equally brave effort of fellow Crabolier Darnell Jackson who earned a mention in the lacktion report with two fouls and a brick for +3 in 9:48. This is Kinsey's fourth unproductive game in six days, a very effective way to make a case that he unquestionably should be chosen for the Basketbawful All-Lacktion team. His combined stats in those four appearances? One foul in five minutes and four seconds spread out over 192 minutes of game time. I'm not sure we've ever witnessed a sustained run of pure nothingness like this before, but it is glorious.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba invited all the Lakers over to Luke Walton's place for an after-game party. At one point, he pretended to go to the bathroom but instead filled Luke's underwear drawer with women's panties. He then yelled out, "Hey, everybody! Luke's drawers! They're filled with lady's undies! Come look!" Now the rest of the team believes Luke likes to crossdress.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Dallas Mavericks, Kwame Brown, Memphis Grizzlies, Okafor Watch, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, those poor Seattle fans, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

This was brought to my attention by Basketbawful reader Stephanie G and (I have since discovered) has been reported elsewhere (like here, here and here). But I'm going to cover it again because it's so awesomely stupid that it absolutely must be included on any site that covers the best of the worst of professional basketball.

Back in the summer of 2003, Shawn Marion got a tattoo down his right leg in Chinese lettering that was supposedly a translation of his nickname "The Matrix." Only it wasn't. I mean, it really, really wasn't. Hanzi Smatter -- a site dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in Western culture -- noted that Shawn's tattoo really means, uh, something else:

魔 = Demon, evil spirits; magic power.

鳥 = Bird.

樟 = Camphor (a plant where its chemical exact is used for making moth balls).

That's right: Shawn Marion is Demon Bird Mothballs. I suggest you sit down and let the awe wash over you in a cool wave.

That's a pretty big misfire. (Although not quite as bad as the chick who had "inferior goods" tramp-stamped on her lower back.) Shawn probably should have consulted with somebody other than the dude at the tattoo parlor before inking his leg. According to Hanzi Smatter, The Matrix (as in the movie) is translated as 黑客帝国 (which means "Hackers' Empire"). And matrix (in the mathematical sense) is translated as 矩陣.

This hilarious mistranslation reminds me of the multicultrual heroes that appeared on the old Challenge of the Super Friends cartoon. Apache Chief, El Dorado, Samuri...these not-so-super characters were created by simply mashing together a few awkward cultural stereotypes. As Seanbaby once pointed out: "Now that I mention it, I don't think [Apache Chief] was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him 'Minnesota President.'"

At least Shawn isn't alone. Marquis Daniels has a tattoo that means "Healthy Woman Roof." No, really.

Oh, and if you think think America has a monopoly in cultrual ignorance, I suggest you check out Engrish. Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension!

Fun fact: As the Hanzi Smatter pointed out, the tattoo also appears on his action figure.)

Labels: fan submissions, Marquis Daniels, Shawn Marion, tattoos, Worst Evers

Something's wrong in the Valley ofthe Sun. And Nash is pissed about it.
The Suns suck. Relatively speaking, of course. I mean, they're still one of the league's elite teams. At 24-10, they have the best record in the Western Conference, and the third best record in the NBA, behind only Boston (29-3) and Detroit (26-8). In truth, they're only a couple victories off last season's 61-win pace; after 34 games last year, the Suns were 26-8, en route to the league's second-best record. But there's something wrong, something off about the team. I really believe that.

I'm no John Hollinger, but I decided to do a basic statistical comparison, determined to find the smoking gun:


Well, okay. Wow. No smoking guns there. The Suns' scoring and shooting numbers are nearly identical to last season. Their assist and rebounding numbers are up slightly, as are their steals and blocked shots. Alrighty then, let's look at what the Suns' opponents are doing this season:


Now we have something to go on. Teams are scoring and (especially) rebounding better against the Suns this season. Just for the hell of it, let's look at the Suns' differentials:

So the Suns' biggest problem (and I'm not the first person to mention this) seems to be rebounding, where their negative differential has dropped from -2.3 to -5.6. And in case you were wondering -- and even if you weren't -- the answer is yes: The Suns have the worst rebounding differential in the league. Only the Golden State Warriors (-5.3) are nearly as bad on the boards; the next closest team is the Clippers (-2.8).

The Suns really miss Kurt Thomas. And not just his numbers. They have rebounders; Shawn Marion is pulling down 10.1 rebounds per game, and Amare Stoudemire is grabbing 9.1 per. What they miss is a big man who plays solid interior defense, who's willing to put a body on people and mix it up in the paint. Stoudemire may be averaging 2.3 blocked shots per game, but he's a paratrooper; he likes to fly through the air and send shots into the crowd. He's not a physical player. Every team needs at least one big man who likes the rough stuff, even if that player doesn't contribute in obvious ways. Take Portland's Joel Przybilla. His 4.6 PPG and 6.9 RPG aren't going to get him onto the All-Star team, but his toughness inside the paint is a game-changing element for the Blazers.

The Suns don't have that toughness inside. Physically or emotionally. We all know Shawn "I think it's time for me to move on" Marion wants more money and more acclaim, preferably elsewhere. It's as if his $16,440,000 salary (good for 12th in the league and 1st on his team) isn't real, and his four All-Star appearances and two All-NBA Third Team honors never happened.

Stoudemire, as everybody knows, wants to be The Man in Phoenix. He leads the team in PPG (22.0) and FGA (14.0), but he also gets visibly frustrated when he isn't getting his shots. Amare claimed that he missed the Suns' 45-minute practice on Sunday because his kids were ill, but the reality seems to be that Stoudemire himself was sick about only getting 11 shots in Saturday's tough 118-113 loss to the New Orleans Hornets. In that game, Stoudemire went shotless in the third quarter, and then went shotless again for the final six minutes of the game until a last-second three-point attempt. After the game, he punched his palm and told reporters, "We've got to all get on the same page!"

Steve Nash is still Steve Nash, the best point guard in basketball (although Jason Kidd is still a triple-double machine, and young guys like Chris Paul and Deron Williams are hot on Nash's heels). But he doesn't command the respect, or fear, of other great players have. Scottie Pippen might have secretly hated Jordon, and envied his position as the Bulls' Alpha Dog, but he never seriously tried (or expected) to supplant him, just as Kevin McHale and James Worthy had no misconceptions about their respective places in the pecking order behind Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. For whatever reason, Nash's teammates -- Marion and Stoudemire at least -- don't have the same level of reverence for their two-time MVP. After Stoudemire's missed practice, Nash said, "If that stuff is going on, it needs to be stopped or else we can kiss it goodbye, because you can't win at this level if you don't have great chemistry and you don't pull for each other. If you're worried about your shots or about yourself or making excuses and pointing fingers at other players, that's for losers."

Bird, Jordan, and Magic used to say stuff like that, and their teams (usually) responded. After the Celtics lost to the Lakers by 33 points in Game 3 of the 1984 NBA Finals, Bird called his teammates (and himself) "a bunch of sissies." The next game, Kevin McHale clotheslined Kurt Rambis, Bird hip-checked Michael Cooper into the stands, and the Celtics beat the Lakers in overtime (after which Bird, assessing his team's improved performance, said, "Yeah, we [only] played like a bunch of women tonight."). I just don't see the Suns reacting the same way to Nash's sometimes frequent critiques.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the Suns did respond to Nash's tough love. After all, they came out on Monday and dropped 137 points on the Nuggets. Marion hit five three-pointers on his way to a season-high 27 points. Stoudemire got 13 shots and had 20 points and 10 rebounds. Even the much-maligned Marcus Banks got into the game, and into the act, scoring 23 points (7-for-8) in almost 20 minutes of action.

The question is: Will it last? Are the Suns chemistry issues over? I doubt it. Marion will become a free agent at the end of this season. The Suns clearly haven't decided what they want to do with him, and he knows that. Marion doesn't know whether he wants to remain loyal to the Suns or seek more money and glory somewhere else, and the Suns know that. Stoudemire wants to be The Man on his team and one of the best centers in the league, but he doesn't want to to the dirty work (blocking out, getting physical inside, laying the wood on the opposing team's big men) that centers are supposed to do. And Nash, well, no one really knows how long he's going to hold up. Meanwhile, Raja Bell's health has been spotty and his numbers are down. Leandro Barbosa has taken a small step back this season, and Boris Diaw has taken a huge leap back. Nobody knows how long Grant Hill's body is going to hold up (although the Suns are no doubt praying for a miracle "Bill Walton in 1986" season from him). And nobody knows whether D'Antoni will ever feel completely comfortable utilizing his bench.

I know I might be overreacting. The Suns are still good. Really good. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe seeing them get mandhandled twice by the Lakers got me too worked up. And maybe seeing the chemistry and joy in Portland reminds me of how much fun the Suns were having during their big winning streaks last season, and the season before that, and the season before that. I guess, in the end, I just want a little more fun in the Suns. Is that too much to ask?

Quick fixes: Personally, I think Kerr should trade Marion (before he bolts in the off-season) for a sturdy, defense-oriented big man, and move Stoudemire to the power forward position (which is his natural position). Then you can slide Grant Hill to the small forward (as long as his body holds up), and play Nash and Bell at the guard spots. Play Brian Skinner as much as you can, even if he isn't putting up big numbers. And D'Antoni needs to develop a set rotation.

Update: Is Shawn Marion just too good for the Suns? The gentlemen at Hardwood Paroxysm think so. And you know what? They may be right.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw, Leandro Barbosa, Mike D'Antoni, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Shawn Marion, Steve Nash, sucking

It's going to take more than a hammerto fix the Suns' problems this year.
ESPN.com published a huge NBA Season Preview on Friday. Some of you may (or may not ) have noticed that Basketbawful was asked -- via Henry Abbot at TrueHoop -- to say a few words on the Phoenix Suns.

Since my contribution was limited to 100 words, I'm going to expand on my thoughts here. It's no secret that I really dig the Suns and want them to win an NBA title, partly because they're a great team, and partly to stick it in the face of the naysayers who take shots at Steve Nash and claim that fastbreak teams can't win championships (uh, Showtime Lakers, anyone?).

The good news is that the Suns are one of the three, maybe four teams that have a legitimate shot at winning it all this year. Of course, the same thing was true the last three seasons as well, but it didn't happen for a variety of legitimate reasons: Injuries (to Joe Johnson during the '05 playoffs, to Amare Stoudemire and Tim Thomas in '06), departures (of Joe Johnson and Quentin Richardson in '06), and of course The Suspensions.

Unfortunately, these near misses have established a disastrous mindset in The Valley, as evidenced by the Suns' offseason strategy, which can be best described as "hold steady." They gave away Kurt Thomas and two future first-round draft picks for a second-round pick and some cash relief. Not only did that move potentially handicap them in the future, it also hurt them in the present: They no longer have an interior defender to guard anybody, let alone Tim Duncan. They ostensibly addressed their depth issues by picking up Grant Hill on the cheap, but considering Hill's age and history of injuries, it's hard to imagine him playing a fulll season, much less becoming the "missing piece" that pushes the Suns over the top.

I'd feel better if the Suns had dealt for Kevin Garnett, or if they'd converted one or more of their tradable assets into an influx of young talent. I understand money was an issue. Robert Sarver wants to stay under the salary cap, and he hired GM Steve Kerr to make sure that happened. But the team didn't improve at all. In a best-case scenario, they're "as good" as last year; they might also be worse.

Here's one seemingly incontrovertable truth of the NBA: If a team wasn't good enough to win a championship one year, it won't be good enough to win one the next year without making one or significant offseason moves. Looking back in my lifetime, I can see many examples of this. The Lakers added Magic Johnson in '80. The Celtics added Robert Parish and Kevin McHale in '81. The 76ers added Moses Malone in '83. The Celtics added Dennis Johnson in '84 and Bill Walton in '86. The Lakers added Mychal Thompson in '87. The Pistons added James Edwards in '88 (although he didn't pay off until '89). The Rockets added Clyde Drexler in '05. The Bulls added Dennis Rodman in '96. The Pistons added Rasheed Wallace in '04. The Heat overhauled their roster in '06. And the Spurs have made a variety of little tweeks during their championship runs.

The Suns are going to win around 60 games this season. They're going to make noise in the playoffs. But they have to address so many questions: How long will Steve Nash's body hold up? How about Amare's knees? Hill's everything? Can Shawn Marion keep his chin up? Will Boris Diaw step up his game? How much will all of these guys have left in the tank in May?

I'd love it if the Suns could answer these questions and win a title. I just don't think they can.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, championships, ESPN, NBA season preview, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, Steve Nash, TrueHoop

That's Amare: It looks like Amare Stoudemire is having arthroscopic knee surgery today. The Suns are insisting that this is a simple procedure, and that Stoudemire will (probably) miss only two to three weeks and still be ready for the season opener on November 1. It's a pretty ominous portent for the Suns' championship aspirations, though. Kind of like the how the human finger I found in my Fruity Pebbles this morning was a portent of a bad breaksfast. Anyway, think the Suns want to punch Shawn Marion's "Get Out Of Phoenix Free" card now? Sorry, Lakers fans; you won't be getting Marion of the Suns' value menu.

Free Agent Jackpot: Apparently, Gilbert Arenas isn't that impressed by the Celtics' offseason moves. In fact, he's predicting imminent doom when the Wizards travel to Boston for the C's home opener. That's because Washington countered the Kevin Garnette / Ray Allen acquisitions by signing their own "Little Three": The pitifully ancient and herertofore retired Tony Massenburg, Jamon Gordon (who?), and Willie Deane (who??).

For the record, Massenburg last played in 2004-05, averaging 3.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 37 games for the Spurs. But I hear he waves a mean towel, so good pickup for the Wiz. Gordon is an undrafted rookie from Virginia Tech; he averaged 11.4 PPG, 4.5 RPG, and 4.5 APG as a senior last year. (Did you hear that? It's the sound of nobody in Boston giving a crap.) Most mystifying of all is the Deane signing. He graduated from Purdue in 2003 but went undrafted. According to his NBA.com prospect profile, Deane 17.8 PPG and 5.1 RPG during his senior season, and even "erupted" for a career-high 36 points against Michigan. Impressive. I doubt he'll play much, but having an extra "Willie" on your roster never hurts.

Michael Jordan has the power: BusinessWeek released a list of the 100 Most Powerful People in Sports. NBA commissioner David Stern came in third, behind both NFL commissioner Roger Goodell (1) and Tiger Woods (2). No surprises there. What did come as a surprise is that Michael Jordan was number 11.

Jordan is a part owner and "Managing Member of Basketball Operations" for the Charlotte Bobcats. Let me highlight the "Charlotte Bobcats" part of that last sentence. That kind of "power" wouldn't get you a handout on the street, even if you were missing both legs and had a sign that said "Jesus luvs you." It's also important to note that, after Jordan was fired by the Washington Wizards, no legitimate NBA would touch him with a 10-meter cattle prod. Make no mistake: Charlotte hired him because they needed money and Jordan had it to spend. The power he wields within the confines of his sport is negligible at best.

But according to BusinessWeek: "No athlete -- active or retired -- has a higher Q Score than his Airness." The Q Score is a way to measure the familiarity and appeal of a brand, company, celebrity, cartoon character or television show. So okay, Jordan can sell stuff; we already knew that. But how, exactly, does that translate to power in sports? Remember, this is the same guy who drafted Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison, failed spectacularly as both a player and an executive for the Wizards, and didn't even get voted onto the All-Star team during his final "farewell tour" season. That all sounds pretty weak to me.

Other notable NBA power brokers: Lebron James (19), Jerry Reinsdorf (47), Mark Cuban (50), Shaq (78), Kobe Bryant (88), Yao Ming (89), and Magic Johnson (95).

"Hey, I look...pretty gay right now."

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Jordan, NBA, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, Tony Massenburg, Washington Wizards