I can't stop staring...
Chris "Birdman" Andersen continues to amaze. Behold the latest alterations to his ever-growing collections of tattoos. When passing along the link, RT said "Looks like the Birdman wanted to pry the "League Award for Worst Tattoo in the above-shoulder category" away from Necklips." That's certainly possible. However, I have another theory.

The tattoo ink that now covers 97.543% of Birdman's body is actually the well-disguised form of a sentient alien being that has slowly poisoned his central nervous system and become one with his mind, kind of like a slightly less evil Venom. It is gradually turning Birdman into its slave, but it also has a great sense of ironic humor, as displayed in the "FREE BIRD" tattoo. Birdman merely thinks he is free. However, once the tattoo spreads and completely covers his whole damn head and face... I shudder to think what a completely tattoo-controlled Birdman Andersen is capable of. (Hint: it involves mediocre basketball)

As further proof of my revelation that Birdman's tattoos are Venom's little brother, consider this note from that Wikipedia entry: "The Symbiote, even without a host, has shown shapeshifting abilities like forming spikes and expanding its size." We finally have an explanation for Birdman's crazy ass spiky mohawk! It's all coming together!

RT also added: "Maybe in NBA 2K12 he'll just be a rainbow-colored polygon stuffed in an NBA jersey." Since the 2K series is so concerned with being realistic in every way... yes. This is exactly what will happen.

Labels: Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, gratuitous comic book references, tattoos

With all the press that Stephon Marbury's new head tattoo is getting, I thought it was a good time to remind the world about the mad ink that Greg Ostertag used to (and, presumably, still does) sport:


According to Greg's NBA.com bio, the tat represents "Fred Flintstone dunking." Which would be a pretty good description if the person responsible for it had just arrived on planet Earth the previous day and had no idea what a "dunk" was.

Note: Unfortunately, I can't remember who sent this to me. If you remind me, I will give you all due credit. Also, I believe somebody compared Greg's "dunking" caveman to Luke Walton's gay stick figures. Which, for your information, represents him and his brothers playing basketball.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, Idiot, Luke Walton, Stephon Marbury, tattoos

This was brought to my attention by Basketbawful reader Stephanie G and (I have since discovered) has been reported elsewhere (like here, here and here). But I'm going to cover it again because it's so awesomely stupid that it absolutely must be included on any site that covers the best of the worst of professional basketball.

Back in the summer of 2003, Shawn Marion got a tattoo down his right leg in Chinese lettering that was supposedly a translation of his nickname "The Matrix." Only it wasn't. I mean, it really, really wasn't. Hanzi Smatter -- a site dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in Western culture -- noted that Shawn's tattoo really means, uh, something else:

魔 = Demon, evil spirits; magic power.

鳥 = Bird.

樟 = Camphor (a plant where its chemical exact is used for making moth balls).

That's right: Shawn Marion is Demon Bird Mothballs. I suggest you sit down and let the awe wash over you in a cool wave.

That's a pretty big misfire. (Although not quite as bad as the chick who had "inferior goods" tramp-stamped on her lower back.) Shawn probably should have consulted with somebody other than the dude at the tattoo parlor before inking his leg. According to Hanzi Smatter, The Matrix (as in the movie) is translated as 黑客帝国 (which means "Hackers' Empire"). And matrix (in the mathematical sense) is translated as 矩陣.

This hilarious mistranslation reminds me of the multicultrual heroes that appeared on the old Challenge of the Super Friends cartoon. Apache Chief, El Dorado, Samuri...these not-so-super characters were created by simply mashing together a few awkward cultural stereotypes. As Seanbaby once pointed out: "Now that I mention it, I don't think [Apache Chief] was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him 'Minnesota President.'"

At least Shawn isn't alone. Marquis Daniels has a tattoo that means "Healthy Woman Roof." No, really.

Oh, and if you think think America has a monopoly in cultrual ignorance, I suggest you check out Engrish. Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension!

Fun fact: As the Hanzi Smatter pointed out, the tattoo also appears on his action figure.)

Labels: fan submissions, Marquis Daniels, Shawn Marion, tattoos, Worst Evers