Back in July, Richard Jefferson opted out of the final year of a contract that would have paid him $15 million for the 2010-11 season. Leading financial experts immediately agreed that $15 million was about $15.5 million more than Jefferson was actually worth, which made RJ look like the world's biggest sucker...

...until the San Antonio Spurs bailed his dumb ass out with a four-year, $38.8 million deal that made some of Kelly Dwyer's tender parts shrivel and die. That's a lot of years and a lot of money for a rapidly declining 30-year-old who shot 31 percent on threes last season and compiled a Player Efficiency Rating of 10.9 in 10 playoff games. According to this handy reference guide, that PER puts him somewhere between "scrounging for minutes" and "definitely renting."

Of course, ESPN's John Hollinger explained that Jefferson's new contract actually saves the Spurs a Shaqload of money this season, which means the whole thing kinda-sorta makes sense until you remember that they're still going pay Jefferson almost $40 million over the next four seasons.

So how did Jefferson celebrate this wonderful manna from heaven? By going on vacation with his homeboys of course! From MediaTakeOut via Basketbawful reader anne:

Okay, seriously: What's with the bulges? Because unlessthis picture was taken by a naked Scarlett Johansson...
In case the image above caused irreparable damage to your optic nerves, I should point out that it also features Kareem Rush, former University of Missouri basketball player and son of Nuggets Owner Josh Kroenke, Luke Walton -- Luke Walton wearing tiny purple shorts -- and two other men that should be beaten to death with heavy, wooden things.

MediaTakeOut described this pic as "Richard Jefferson and his boys looking sweeter than a bag of jellybeans." Personally, I think the group looks cuter than this Hello Kitty with Sky Blue Dolphin toy. But maybe that's just me.

Note: Apparently this pic made the rounds a few weeks ago. Doesn't matter. There's no expiration date for making fun of crap like this.

Labels: Luke Walton, Richard Jefferson, totally but unintentionally gay

Stacy Elizabeth Beshear, eh? Yeah, right. Rearrange a few letters, add a couple more letters, and that name is simply an anagram for "Larry Bird." Talk about your bizarre and unexpected plot twists. Larry...why?

Ugly as a man. Uglier as a woman.
Well, at least now I understand why Larry, a lifelong Celtic, called Luke, a Laker, to wish him luck in this year's NBA Finals. Obsession makes you do crazy things sometimes.

Labels: Larry Bird, Luke Walton, no freaking way, stalking

...who would stalk Luke Walton? Well, here's the answer (via Deadspin):

Bloargh!
Her name: Stacy Elizabeth Beshear, 34, of El Segundo, California. Her game: Stalking the hell out of the Son of Walton. For a year. According to Sgt. Steve Tobias of the Manhattan Beach Police Department: "She had been following him to his practice site and following him home and repeatedly asking him to sign basketballs after he'd already done so. At one point, she got upset and was taking a Sharpie pen to his vehicle after he refused to sign a soccer ball."

It didn't end with those fun and games, though. On September 15, Beshear "crossed the line" by following Walton to the house of Lakers teammate Jordan Farmar and pulling up next to him. Said Tobias: "She was following him for a large part of the day and at one point drove side by side with him and gestured at him, extended her hand out the window and acted like she was cocking a gun."

As you can imagine, this behavior freaked Walton the hell out: "It's bananas. I'll be going to sleep at night and just randomly look out the window. Just to check. Just because. She has been out there at 12:30, 1:30 in the morning. She would park outside my house for hours and hours. I would drive out, and I would see her peeking through. It would suck, because I know I'm leaving my home, and I know she's still there. What am I supposed to do? Is she planning on breaking in? Am I going to come home one day and she's sleeping in my bed? Is she going to steal my dog? You try not to think about it. But every time I see a black Honda now, I'm like, 'Is that her?' I'll slow down and look. It's like every day. There are a billion of these cars. Since I've noticed her, I've noticed these cars are everywhere. It's like I'm going paranoid like some movie character."

The source of the woman's insanity? Why, the trammels of unrequited love, of course. According to Walton, this is what crazy stalker lady said during her fake gun attack: "She told me that we belong together. And then she started flipping out about all sorts of stuff. She said she wanted to move to San Diego, but people wouldn't let her. I was like, 'What people?' She's like, 'The people! The people in the universe! They won't let me move, because they say you and I are supposed to be together.' I was like, 'Oh, wow. She's crazy.'"

Maybe that'll teach Luke the dangers of having such beautiful, glistening hair and powerful, rippling muscles. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. Click here for even more of the whacky details.

Update! If Stacy is as batshit insane as I think she is -- and let's face it, she might go to jail for stalking Luke Walton, and that's pretty damn crazy -- what's she going to do when she finds out about Luke's threeway tryst with Karl Malone and Horace Grant? I'm not saying that she's going kill them and make clothes out of their skin, but if Grant or the Mailman find a bunny boiling on their stove someday, the police might want to give Stacy a ring. (Thanks to eljpeman for the reminder.)

How do you eat your Oreo cookie?

Labels: crazy people, holy crap, Luke Walton, mucho crazy, stalking

With all the press that Stephon Marbury's new head tattoo is getting, I thought it was a good time to remind the world about the mad ink that Greg Ostertag used to (and, presumably, still does) sport:


According to Greg's NBA.com bio, the tat represents "Fred Flintstone dunking." Which would be a pretty good description if the person responsible for it had just arrived on planet Earth the previous day and had no idea what a "dunk" was.

Note: Unfortunately, I can't remember who sent this to me. If you remind me, I will give you all due credit. Also, I believe somebody compared Greg's "dunking" caveman to Luke Walton's gay stick figures. Which, for your information, represents him and his brothers playing basketball.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, Idiot, Luke Walton, Stephon Marbury, tattoos

One little tap of the Stern Button and the Spurs are on the brink of playoff Armageddon. But while Timmy Duncan is facing it down with his typically stoic calm, Luke Walton is...wetting his little pink princess panties in abject terror. And he's not even on the same team. I mean, Luke is making funny faces we've never seen from anybody -- from any planet. And that's terrrrrrrible!

Labels: funny faces, Los Angeles Lakers, Luke Walton, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan

"Quit yer damn blubbering, Frenchy."

JamesOn Curry: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who's currently serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry will most likely miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's game against the Austin Toros on Sunday.

Bruce Bowen: He scored 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting last night. That makes Bowen 5-for-31 (16 percent) over his last six games. His best performance during that stretch was a 6-point, 2-for-8 performance against the Warriors. As I've said before, I know the Spurs don't keep him around for his offense or his good looks, but the dude's shooting the ball like somebody replaced his hands with oozing squid tentacles.

Francisco Elson: He was only 0-for-2 in limited action, which doesn't sound that bad, but trust me, it was. First of all, Elson's two shots were a 15-footer from the left wing and a 17-footer from the right wing. According to most NBA scouts, those shots were about 14 and 16 feet outside his range, repectively. Second, I have rarely seen a jumpshot so awkward and ugly. It would make a blind goat weep. I swear, the way his limbs splay out and freeze during his jumper, it's like he's getting electrocuted mid-shot. Francisco, if you're wondering why Gregg Popovich yanked you after only three minutes, go back and watch film of those shots.

Sasha Pavlovic: Cleveland's shooting ace went 1-for-4 last night, including 0-for-2 from three-point range.

Damon Jones: How about Damon's new hairstyle? The sides are mostly shaved but he still has the hair on top. What do you call that, exactly? A fohawk? Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Brad Miller's cornrows or Scot Pollards, well, anything. But still.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Speaking of hair, Ilgauskas was sporting the freshly-shaved head look last night. You know, minus the somewhat manly noggin-stubble, the Z-Man's shorn scalp makes him look kind of like the Metaluna mutant, or maybe Sloth from The Goonies.

Tony Parker: TP missed two ginormous freethrows with 29.4 seconds to play...freethrows that would have tied the game at 90. Instead of tying it up, the Spurs lost 90-88. At home. Said Parker: "They both felt good. They just didn't go in," Parker said. "I shoot 200 free throws every day. It was a good chance to show my improvement. They just didn't go in." Actually, Parker is shooting only 73 percent from the line this season after hitting a career-high 78 percent last year. You know, just FYI.

Utah Jazz: Hmm. Do you think defense is a problem for the Jazz? They gave up 120 points, 16 offensive rebounds, and a career-high 41 points to...Linas Kleiza?! How has Jerry Sloan not gone freako apeshit yet? I'm telling you, if he doesn't get berzerky soon, somebody needs to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Paul Millsap: For the most part, I'd say Millsap has exceeded expectations for a guy who was picked 17th in the second round of the NBA draft. But 1-for-8 shooting wouldn't exceed anybody's expectations, unless maybe Millsap was actually a labradoodle.

[Update] Marcus Camby's shooting: The people -- or at least a reader named Five Pound Bag -- have spoken: "You could have added 'Marcus Camby's shooting,' as he missed on the rare dirty triple by two points on account of going 4-13 from the floor. His 11 (!) blocks and 24 (!!) boards will just have to be a dirty double." Five Pound Bag, you are absolutely right. Thank you for correcting my shortsightedness.

Brian Skinner: I don't know what to make of Skinner's performance last night. On the one hand, he grabbed 9 rebounds and blocked 4 shots. On ther other, he was the only Suns player to go scoreless (0-for-3) and he committed 4 turnovers. I mean, how do you play 22 minutes in the Phoenix run-and-gun offense and not score a point? That said, I really, really hope that coach D'Antoni keeps playing this guy. Phoenix desperately needs gritty roleplayers who are willing to sacrifice their own offense, bang people around, and get their hands dirty. And Skinner's the only guy on their 12-man roster who fits that bill. But my guess is that once Grant Hill gets back, Skinner's going back into cold storage.

Derek Fisher: I cannot stress enough how important Derek Fisher has been in the Lakers' resurgence this season. Not only is he providing heaping helpings of much-needed veteran leadership, he's also scoring 12 PPG on a career-high 47 percent shooting. And he was huge in the L.A.'s previous two wins over the Suns (14 and 19 points, respectively). But last night he was very, very small: 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 3 turnovers.

Kwame Brown: Yup, I still think this guy is the worst first overall draft pick of all time, worse even than The Kandi Man. He shot 3-for-8, missed two layups and a dunk (sounds like a job for the Mikan Drill), committed 5 fouls, and had more turnovers (7) than rebounds (6). And the Staples Center crowd was booing him. Most of the time, I'm not sure the Staples Center crowd is even awake. But they were awake last night, and acutely aware of how sucktastic Brown can be. Still, the booing was pretty harsh. When even I feel sorry for a Laker, you know something is horribly wrong.

Luke Walton: He had a career season last year, signed a nice new contract with the Lakers over the summer, and now his numbers have dropped in pretty much every category. Man, I haven't heart that story before. (Another textbook case of the Contract Year Phenomenon.) Walton's downward spiral continued last night, as he scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting.

Leandro Barbosa: He shot (8-for-12) and scored (team-high 22 points) well, but his floor game was lacking. The Suns offense dries up when he's playing the point. He dribbles too much, forces up tougher-than-necessary shots, and throws the ball away (4 turnovers). D'Antoni should use him exclusively as a shooting guard. Of course, that would be easier if the Suns actually had a backup point guard...

Labels: Brian Skinner, Bruce Bowen, Damon Jones, Derek Fisher, Francisco Elson, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, Paul Millsap, Sasha Pavlovic, Tony Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Zydrunas Ilgauskas