I'm so glad I already did this photoshop last year for another unrelated post
Welcome to the start of the NBA season! (About damn time, grumble grumble).

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Greg Ostertag, Merry Christmas everybody, MST3K references, Ricky Davis

I look for any reason to re-post Greg Ostertag's Fred Flintstone tattoo.
Thanks to the wonders of Google, I noticed that today marks the 50th anniversary of The Flintstones. That, of course, gave me a perfect reason to re-post Greg Ostertag's wicked-awesome Fred Flintstone tat, which ranks second only to Brad Miller' Scrappy Doo tattoo in the all-time list of "Ridiculous Tattoos on White NBA Players."

Third place? Jason William's White Boy knuckle tat. Or Whit Eboy, depending on how you look at it. Classic.

Anyway, while we're here, I might as well post some more Flintstones-related bawful. For instance, take this video from the old NES Flintstones game. This is the kind of crap -- along with abominations like Deadly Towers -- that made me fear electricity during my teens.

Seriously, wouldn't you love to see Fred and Enemyas playable characters in the new NBA Jam game?
(Random aside: Back in the day, my buddy Statbuster actually gave me Deadly Towers as a birthday gift. You have to understand that, in the early 1990s, receiving a video game as a gift from a friend was virtually unheard of. I was shocked and honored. Until I put that thing into my Nintendo. Jamming a live rat full of rabies into the console would have been more humane and far less dangerous to my psyche. The best part? Statbuster refuses to admit this ever happened. He literally wiped it from his memory. I should probably do the same.)

Then there are these super-cool Flintstones-inspired Nike high top shoes. Really, Nike? Really? If I wore these to my pickup league, I think even the most passive person there would be compelled to beat me to a gruesome and bloody death with my own footwear. And I would thank them for it.

Only $109.99 on eBay! What are you waiting for??
Happy birthday, Flintstones.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, The Flintstones

Editor's note: So everybody knows, there will be a Livin' Large epilogue soon and I will return to my normal posts/articles when the new NBA season begins (or is close to beginning). Right now, these comics are just a fun way for me to pass the time. Just in case you were wondering.

Labels: comics, Greg Ostertag, improbable comebacks

Yep. He looks ready for NBA action. As long as he's watchingit from an easy chair. And not moving. Or breathing.
Back in June, I mentioned that former Basketbawful mascot Greg Ostertag was alive and jonesing to play in the NBA again. Well, as a great many of you have pointed out via comments and e-mails, the first phase or Project Comeback is complete. Thanks to the Portland Trail Blazers:

Greg Ostertag is looking to make a return to the NBA.

The former Jazz center, who retired from the game three years ago, was invited to work out for the Trail Blazers last week.

"I just miss it," Ostertag told the Journal-World.

"Watching the playoffs last year got me excited. My wife said, 'Why not go try it again?' One day I said, 'What the heck. I'll get in shape and get back on the court and give it a try.'

"I've got nothing to lose."

Portland is the only team that has entertained the idea of giving Ostertag a shot.

"I did all right. I'm rusty. I'd not picked up a ball seriously in three years," added Ostertag. "I have some cobwebs. The more I play, the quicker I'll get it back. Now I'm trying to get in good shape and get stronger. The basketball will come."

But wait, there's more.

"Size, blocking shots and putbacks, setting screens, not letting anybody get easy layups," Ostertag said of what he can bring to the table. "Nobody ever put the ball in my hand and said, 'Go to work,'" Ostertag said of scoring.

Ostertag, who made $48,251,390 during his days in the NBA, isn't money-motivated right now. He's been frugal with his earnings and is set for life financially.

"The more I get into it, the more I want to play," Ostertag said. "I've been working hard since June to get weight off to where I can be productive. I'm in the mode I don't want to work this hard for nothing. I want to get my feet planted somewhere, get in veterans camp, and in the preseason maybe somebody will like what they see."

Chris Emens, senior director of Octagon Basketball, an agency that represents Ostertag, believes his client can be an asset to the Blazers or any other NBA team.

"Greg brings interior defense, rebounding, shot-blocking, playoff and championship-game experience and most importantly for teams in contention, he knows how to win," Emens said.

Most NBA teams are expected to carry just 13 or 14 players this season because of budgetary concerns, instead of the maximum-allotted number of 15.

"It depends if somebody has room," Ostertag said. "I'm not asking for 30 minutes, but give me a chance to compete for playing time, that's all.

"If I don't make an NBA roster, I'll go back to what I was doing -- hunting, golfing, fishing," added Ostertag, who isn't interested in playing in Europe or the NBA Developmental League.

My gut instinct is to say it's never gonna happen. But as someone recently said: limits, like fears, are often an illusion. So, personally speaking, my fingers are crossed. And now Greg Oden has to worry about a second white stiff stealing his PT.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, improbable comebacks

The NBA's most awkward white guy ever now hasrazor-sharp foot blades and a stick. We're all screwed.
There are certain mysteries of life that will always puzzle me. Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck? How did Edward Scissorhands wipe his butt? And how did Greg Ostertag manage to last in the NBA for 11 seasons and make almost $50 million? No, really. He did it.

Not that I'm complaining. Greg was one of the primary inspirations for the creation of this blog. In fact, during Basketbawful's first couple years of existence, Ostertag acted (without his knowledge) as our official mascot. I was truly brokenhearted when he retired. Fortunately, every once in a while I get a little scrap of 'Taggy goodness to feed on...and this is one of those times.

An anonymous commenter turned me on to the following Arizona Republic article: Ostertag digs hockey, longs for NBA. Here are some highlights:

1. Greg really does dig hockey: "On most Wednesday nights, Greg Ostertag can be found in the Ice Den in Scottsdale, playing forward in a no-checking, men's hockey league. 'I had a hat trick,' he said of a recent game. 'I go out and play hard. We try to win.'" In related news, he also breaths hard and tries to live.

2. He has hatched little Ostertaglings: 'Tag currently resides in Scottsdale, Arizona, with his wife Heidi and their three children -- Cody, 15, Bailey, 12, and Shelby, 9. Think about that for a second: This means that Heide has had sex with Greg at least three times...MAYBE MORE. Nightmare fuel, right?

3. Ostertag bakes! HE BAKES!! "[Ostertag] spends most of his time playing golf (he's a 3-handicap) on Scottsdale's best courses, playing hockey, making cakes for any occasion and watching his son Cody, a 6-5 sophomore, play basketball at Scottsdale Christian Academy. While watching his son play in a recent summer-league game, Ostertag shuffles through his cell phone to display a slide show of his cakes -- a Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl cake, a wedding cake, his daughter Shelby's swim cake. 'Just learning how to make the icing, color the icing, the shapes, how to draw, that's the hard part,' Ostertag said. 'I just get an idea in my head and go from there. My handwriting isn't that great.' ... Ostertag gained his love for baking from watching his mother make cakes when he was a child. 'Just from watching her, I learned how to do it,' Ostertag said. 'I've made some for my kids for their birthdays. I made a couple for my mom for her birthdays.' He doesn't sell them. It's just a passion." I swear I didn't make that last part up.

4. Greg wants to make an NBA comeback...and thinks he can: "Ostertag, 36, gets his kicks on the ice and in the kitchen and longs for the game that provided a life of luxury. 'I know I can still play,' said Ostertag, whose wife is from the Valley. 'It's just a matter of getting back into shape. I can still play. I can put in 10 or 15 minutes a game, get some rebounds and block some shots. Young teams aren't going to pick me up,' Ostertag said. 'A veteran team looking for somebody to give them 10-15 minutes, go in there and bang with other guys, that would be the team.'" Memo to Danny Ainge: Greg Ostertag is awaiting your call.

5. People still talk trash to him...even his 15-year-old son and his son's coach: "[Ostertag] says his only basketball comes during open gyms at Scottsdale Christian, mostly helping high school players develop low-post techniques. [Scottsdale Christian coach Bob Fredericks] said that Cody has some of his father's athletic mean streak in him. 'I'm actually looking forward to being a little bit better than he was,' Cody said. 'If he makes a comeback, I want to teach him some of the moves I'm teaching his son,' Fredericks said." Ouch.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Labels: fan submissions, Greg Ostertag, I have really missed Greg Ostertag

Since ESPN is doing that whole Mount Rushmore of Sports thing, Evil Ted and I decided there needed to be a Mount Rushmore of Basketbawful. After nearly seven seconds (or less) of furious non-debate, we chose the faces and ET Photoshopped the graphic. All hail.

Update! Hey. What's that...up in the clouds... (thanks Tonewise.)


Editor's note: I really, really wish the real Mount Rushmore had five heads so that we could have included Antoine Walker. In fact, based on extra cogitation and reader suggestions, additional Basketbawful Rushmorians could include (but not be limited to): Bill Laimbeer, Clay Bennet, the Clippers logo, Darko Milicic, Dennis Rodman, Duncan face, Eddy Curry, Joey Crawford, John Hollinger, Lamar Odom, Latrell Spreewell, Mario West, Ron Artest, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter. Am I missing anybody?

Labels: ESPN, Greg Ostertag, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, Mount Rushmore, Stephon Marbury

With all the press that Stephon Marbury's new head tattoo is getting, I thought it was a good time to remind the world about the mad ink that Greg Ostertag used to (and, presumably, still does) sport:


According to Greg's NBA.com bio, the tat represents "Fred Flintstone dunking." Which would be a pretty good description if the person responsible for it had just arrived on planet Earth the previous day and had no idea what a "dunk" was.

Note: Unfortunately, I can't remember who sent this to me. If you remind me, I will give you all due credit. Also, I believe somebody compared Greg's "dunking" caveman to Luke Walton's gay stick figures. Which, for your information, represents him and his brothers playing basketball.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, Idiot, Luke Walton, Stephon Marbury, tattoos

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a day when you get to celebrate freedom by setting things on fire and blowing them up...just like our founding fathers intended when they won our independence from the Nazis. (Thank you, Abraham Lincoln!) But before you do that, read this. It may not be freedom, but it's the next best thing.

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract. (Note: I started writing this one when I thought it was simply a bladder infection. Then I found out about the colitis and just left it in. Not really a dumn injury, per se.)

Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.

Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.

Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm...on a physioball. No, really. At least he wasn't so fat it exploded on him...

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off teh court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.

Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]


Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Labels: Charles Barkley, Derrick McKey, Drew Gooden, Dwyane Wade, Greg Ostertag, injuries, Jeff Ruland, Kevin Johnson, Lionel Simmons, Moochie Norris, Muggsy Bogues, Vladimir Radmanovic, Worst Evers

poster boy (pos'-tuhr boi) noun. A player who gets posterized, be it once, throughout a game, or repeatedly over the course of his entire career (see The Collected Works of Gregory Donovan Ostertag).

Usage example: Kyle Korver recently became the poster boy of the year.

Word trivia: Kyle Korver isn't just a career 40 percent three-point marksman and the sine qua non of Utah's recent upward sweep; he's also 100 percent Grade A beefcake. I'm completely serious. Go do a Google image search for "Kyle Korver" and you'll find him hangin' with the ladies, sandwiched between the glandularly challenged, kickin' it old school, wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day, posing in front of a tropical backdrop with some dude, being all angsty, breakin' hearts, rockin' the golf shorts, receiving a foot massage, flexing, getting an extreme makeover, learning that reading is FUN-damental, auditioning for Mr. Mom 2: Mommier Than Ever, attending a wedding, expressing the trophy love, bein' a homeboy, signing autographs, and scaring the absolute living piss out of Chris Farley's brother. All in all, Kyle might be the most posteriffic dude in NBA history.

Basketbawful's most favoritest poster boys: Because it never, ever gets old.

1. Greg Ostertag. God, we miss you Greg. We really do.


2. Shawn Bradley: They called him "The NBA Bitch" for a reason. Many reasons, actually.


3. Michael Olowokandi: How's that ball taste, Kandi Man?


4. Alonzo Mourning: There's just something sweet about watching a defensive menace getting posterized. Sorry, 'Zo.


5. Dikembe Mutombo: Kids, this is what happens when you finger wag people.

Labels: Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo, Greg Ostertag, Kyle Korver, Michael Olowokandi, shawn bradley, Word of the Day

I'm a simple man who isn't motivated by frivilous material gain. My Christmas wish is to make life better for everyone. In the immortal words of Patrick Bateman, we need to stop terrorism and end world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.

But if I can't get any of that silly crap, I want THIS:

If you don't think this is freakingcool, we probably hate each other.
The Gryphon Single-Man Flying Wing is a parachute system with two jet engines on board that can carry a dude (or dudette) 110 miles on just half a gallon of jet fuel. This device will allow paratroopers to "penetrate enemy airspace without compromising the safety of the aircraft or being detected by radar." Penetrate enemy airspace...?! HOT!!

Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all pool your money and buy this for me, thereby allowing me to soar through the night like a living spirit of justice. But if you don't, then I guess none of you really love me.

Alternate suggestion: An authentic, hand-signed Greg Ostertag basketball card.

Labels: Christmas list, flying, gadgets, Greg Ostertag

The Basketbawful spies are everywhere. Literally. Case in point: The September issue of HOOP magazine, the NBA's official bi-monthly publication, contains a very special Easter egg. A seven-foot, two-inch, incredibly funny-looking Easter egg. Check out the S in HITS:


Okay, now take a closer look:


Yep. That's our boy. Here's a mug shot for comparison purposes:


I assure you, this isn't a gag or some form of Photoshop trickery. Somebody at Hoop actually faded Ostertag's funky coconut into the cover's background. It's good to see the big guy is gone but not forgotten. Especially the "gone" part.

Greg-tastic Trivia: Ostertag claimed he was once abducted by aliens and replaced by an imposter. Seriously.

A note of appreciation: This post was made possible by the acute and penetrating observations of LooseChange from The Penny Tray.

Labels: covers, Greg Ostertag, Hoop magazine, NBA

An extreme sports enthusiast interviewed Greg Ostertag a few years ago and posted the "results" on YouTube. Greg, as it turns out, responds to questioning about as well as he played defense, but we do learn a few juicy tidbits that add to The Legend of Ostertag. These morsels include the fact that he won't impersonate Jerry Sloan (probably out of abject fear), loves Halo (so he must be geeked), can't participate in extreme sports (because he's too tall), and thinks Denny's "happens to be the American...uh...pastime." Also: The fine for missing Jazz practice? $25,000. No wonder AK47 wants out.

The interview starts at about the one minute mark.

Labels: Greg Ostertag, interviews

I was going over Greg Ostertag's career stats the other day -- and that alone probably says something frightening about me -- when I noticed that he hit exacatly one three-pointer (out of 10 attempts). Ostertag hitting a three is only slightly less believable than him blocking a shot or actually grabbing a contested rebound. In other words, almost completely unimaginable.

Amazingly, this improbable moment is actually posted on YouTube. It happened during the 2001-02 season with the Jazz playing in Portland. Ostertag actually intercepts a full-court pass and hits a last-second shot from half court. The best part is the digusted reaction of the Blazers, particularly Arvydas Sabonis (who threw the intercepted pass).


And just for fun, here's a clip of Ostertag getting posterized by Amare Stoudemire.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Arvydas Sabonis, Greg Ostertag, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trailblazers, Utah Jazz

You read that correctly, my friends. Our old mascot, Gregory Donovan Ostertag, is considering making a comeback. To the NBA.

"I'm still young enough to play. Last year was the first time in 24 years I haven't played. It was fun, but I think I can still do it. I might give it a shot this year. I'll tell my agent to put my name out there and see what happens."

I'm guessing "what happens" will be a lot of laughing, followed by a recitation of his career stats (4.6 PPG, 5.5 RPG, 1.7 BPG), followed by a lot more laughing. 'Tag's comments came after he participated in a 45-minute scrimmage with Kansas University's current varsity players and former Jayhawk Michael Lee. Greg's line: 4 points on 1-for-6 shooting and 9 rebounds. Now normally, you'd assume that the team with the former NBA player would win hands down. But not when that former player is Greg Ostertag: His team lost by the score of 75-70.

KU's senior power forward Darnell Jackson, who viciously dunked on Ostertag and even stuffed one of the big guy's shots, actually claimed to be "impressed." Why, you ask? Well, according to Jackson, "Greg Ostertag takes up a lot of space!" Well, yeah. So does Rosie O'Donnell, but I can't see anybody signing her to an NBA contract. (Okay, maybe Isiah Thomas, or Kevin McHale, but, like, nobody else.)

So where does Greg go from here? "First I have to get my fat butt in shape. I've got some weight to lose. Then I may have to go in and work out for somebody (NBA team). I don't know how it works. I've never been in this situation before."

Hey, you know, I think the Lakers are looking for a quality big man with playoff experience. Ostertag has been the the NBA Finals twice. Don't worry, Kobe, help is one the way!

Fun Greg Ostertag Fact: Larry Bird earned $26,495,000 in salary during his 13-year NBA career. Ostertag earned $48,251,390 in 11 seasons. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Greg gives away his shoe to some lucky...wait a sec, is that Stifler's Mom with him??

Labels: comebacks, Greg Ostertag

Finally, what you've all been waiting for: Greg Ostertag dancing in his underwear. Shake it, big man, shake it!!

Labels: dancing, Greg Ostertag, shocking horror, underwear

Greg Ostertag has meant so much to us and our site over the years, that I decided to look him up on YouTube. I expected the usual: 'Tag getting dunked on and posterized by various former and current players. And sure, I found plenty of that, but I also discovered a clip of Greg engaged in a heated ping pong match against a 5-year-old. You'll notice he displays the same level of focus and intensity that made him a listless bumblepuppy for 11 mostly forgettable NBA seasons.


If that clip didn't satisfy your desire to see Ostertag being emasculated, then here's a sick dunk thrown down on the big guy by Amare Stoudemire.


And if you want some old school embarrassment, here's 'Tag getting dunked on by Glenn Robinson in the 1994 NCAA Regional Semifinals.


Later in that same game, Robinson later proved that Greg is just like Lays potato chips...you can't dunk on him just once.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, dunks, Glenn Robinson, Greg Ostertag