The NBA's most awkward white guy ever now hasrazor-sharp foot blades and a stick. We're all screwed.
There are certain mysteries of life that will always puzzle me. Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck? How did Edward Scissorhands wipe his butt? And how did Greg Ostertag manage to last in the NBA for 11 seasons and make almost $50 million? No, really. He did it.

Not that I'm complaining. Greg was one of the primary inspirations for the creation of this blog. In fact, during Basketbawful's first couple years of existence, Ostertag acted (without his knowledge) as our official mascot. I was truly brokenhearted when he retired. Fortunately, every once in a while I get a little scrap of 'Taggy goodness to feed on...and this is one of those times.

An anonymous commenter turned me on to the following Arizona Republic article: Ostertag digs hockey, longs for NBA. Here are some highlights:

1. Greg really does dig hockey: "On most Wednesday nights, Greg Ostertag can be found in the Ice Den in Scottsdale, playing forward in a no-checking, men's hockey league. 'I had a hat trick,' he said of a recent game. 'I go out and play hard. We try to win.'" In related news, he also breaths hard and tries to live.

2. He has hatched little Ostertaglings: 'Tag currently resides in Scottsdale, Arizona, with his wife Heidi and their three children -- Cody, 15, Bailey, 12, and Shelby, 9. Think about that for a second: This means that Heide has had sex with Greg at least three times...MAYBE MORE. Nightmare fuel, right?

3. Ostertag bakes! HE BAKES!! "[Ostertag] spends most of his time playing golf (he's a 3-handicap) on Scottsdale's best courses, playing hockey, making cakes for any occasion and watching his son Cody, a 6-5 sophomore, play basketball at Scottsdale Christian Academy. While watching his son play in a recent summer-league game, Ostertag shuffles through his cell phone to display a slide show of his cakes -- a Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl cake, a wedding cake, his daughter Shelby's swim cake. 'Just learning how to make the icing, color the icing, the shapes, how to draw, that's the hard part,' Ostertag said. 'I just get an idea in my head and go from there. My handwriting isn't that great.' ... Ostertag gained his love for baking from watching his mother make cakes when he was a child. 'Just from watching her, I learned how to do it,' Ostertag said. 'I've made some for my kids for their birthdays. I made a couple for my mom for her birthdays.' He doesn't sell them. It's just a passion." I swear I didn't make that last part up.

4. Greg wants to make an NBA comeback...and thinks he can: "Ostertag, 36, gets his kicks on the ice and in the kitchen and longs for the game that provided a life of luxury. 'I know I can still play,' said Ostertag, whose wife is from the Valley. 'It's just a matter of getting back into shape. I can still play. I can put in 10 or 15 minutes a game, get some rebounds and block some shots. Young teams aren't going to pick me up,' Ostertag said. 'A veteran team looking for somebody to give them 10-15 minutes, go in there and bang with other guys, that would be the team.'" Memo to Danny Ainge: Greg Ostertag is awaiting your call.

5. People still talk trash to him...even his 15-year-old son and his son's coach: "[Ostertag] says his only basketball comes during open gyms at Scottsdale Christian, mostly helping high school players develop low-post techniques. [Scottsdale Christian coach Bob Fredericks] said that Cody has some of his father's athletic mean streak in him. 'I'm actually looking forward to being a little bit better than he was,' Cody said. 'If he makes a comeback, I want to teach him some of the moves I'm teaching his son,' Fredericks said." Ouch.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Labels: fan submissions, Greg Ostertag, I have really missed Greg Ostertag