Webster gets Harkless in the dreaded finger lock

The Wiz: It doesn't even feel right to call them the Generals anymore, seeing that the Generals win every once in a while. Things have gotten so bad for the Wizards that politicians in Washington are drafting legislation to destroy all pop-cultural staples using the phrase, "nobody beats the Wiz", because as we all know, everybody beats the Wiz. This time it was the Orlando Magic, but next time who knows, maybe a local chapter order of Elks, maybe your grandmother and her bridge cronies—who can really say? About the only good news for the Whiz at this point is that the Bobcats have lost 13 in a row, replacing their formerly worst in the NBA losing streak of 12.

Receding brass rings: The win for Magic brought them within 1 game of .500. Then with 47.8 seconds left Big Baby landed on his shoulder, and just like that Orlando will be missing their leading scorer for 4-6 weeks. Something tells me that they're not going to reach that .500 mark, and that something is hindsight since I'm writing this on Monday.

The Pistons: Greg Monroe penned his doctrine with a career-high 35 points and 10 rebounds, but it wasn't enough to get a win north of the border. The Raptors continued to flourish in the absence of Andrea Bargnani and Kyle Lowry. Ed Davis and Jose Calderon may not be stars, but they've been effective by using this radical new notion called efficiency. Davis demonstrated the principle by only missing 2 shots, while Calderon only committed 2 turnovers to go along with his 17 assists. Lawrence Frank described the 31 Spaniard as having moxie. I'm not quite sure what the official soft drink of Maine has to do with anything, but if that's what it takes then more teams should forget about this Gatorade crap and distribute beverages that were developed over a century ago.

Atlanta's property laws: After a sequence where he blocked Josh Smith and ended up with a dunk, Kevin Durant proudly announced that Philips Arena was his fucking house. I wasn't aware that deeds could be transferred so easily in the state of Georgia, but after looking at the rest of his box-score, 41 points and 13 rebounds, I'm inclined to agree. Russell Westbrook used his 27 points and 11 assists to make the argument that the teammates should work out some sort of time share. The rest of the OKC starters, 15 combined points, seemed content to crash on the couch.

Rondo is chased by bandits

Cleveland:  Now that wearing a mask as a Cavalier has become too mainstream, Tyler Zeller has ditched his, depriving us of an opportunity to see a starting line up of three masked men. Zeller got his first NBA start because Varejao sat out with a bruised knee.

Paul Pierce proved that dropping 40 points with monstrous efficiency isn't just a young man's game, becoming the oldest Celtic to ever accomplish the feat in regulation (Larry Legend had 49 points in a double overtime game at a more advanced age). His response afterwards was typical Wheezy, "Oh yeah? Oh, wow". Not the world's most eloquent appraisal, but then again it's hard to find words to compare with 40 points on 16 attempts with one turnover. Pierce was at his best in the 4th, making all 7 of his shots.

The 76ers: Philadelphia made the radical move of starting both Maalik Wayns and Kwame Brown, and the result was a size 22 shoe up their ass. This beat down was delivered courtesy of the Houston Rockets, but as the 4 previous teams to play them could also attest, you don't actually need to be that good to beat the Sixers without Jrue Holiday. As soon as the wunderkind guard went down they started losing, and something tells me (hindsight) that they won't get a win til his return.

Peanut butter on ice

All that Jazz: Big Al is probably going to be having Roy Hibbert shaped nightmares after going 1-8 for 4 points against him. Gerald Green leapt right over his recent mediocrity on his way to 21 points, clearing all of Utah's top scorers in the process. Gordon Hayward may have played less than 13 minutes, but that didn't stop him from turning the ball over 5 times. The Jazz lost the first quarter by 8 points, and then proceeded to only score 8 points in the 2nd, pretty much ending the game right there and paving the way for a 20 point defeat.

The Bucks: Monta may have been hampered with injuries and guarded by Tony Allen, but that's not going to keep him out of a WotN after shooting 1 for 14 from the floor. Monta missed his first 13 shots from the floor, while Jennings missed his first 8 attempts. Considering that BJ and Marquis Daniels were the Bucks only double figure scorers, it's no small wonder that they lost; what's far more confusing is that they only lost by 10 points.

I'm not retiring the Broped nickname or anything, but this game inspired me to come up with a new nickname for the world's least efficient backcourt based on their initials. Blow-Me missed 30 shots and combined for a 4:7 assist to turnover ratio. As previously stated, I really don't understand how they only lost this game by 10 points. An interesting revelation was brought forth in BJ's comments after the loss.

He's our scorer, so he's the most important player on this team for us. I know he's angry right now, but with great scorers like that you shouldn't be too worried because they always come back strong.

I was surprised to see this admission of inferiority from such a competitive and self-promoting player, although I guess his metric for measuring greatness, shoots a lot, makes sense for a volume scoring guard. Based on this new nickname, BJ does have a point. After all, the act of blowing is key, but without something to blow it's just a lot of empty head bobbing and lip puckering at the air.

Jason Williams: White Chocolate may not have played a game in the NBA for a couple years, but he still gets a WotN for not having bounced the ball off his elbow a few times in a Griz uniform, thus preventing Mike Conley from surpassing him as the franchise's all time assist leader on Wednesday. Kidding aside, I should probably be giving this WotN to the Grizzly franchise instead of Jason Williams (who only played 4 years for them). It's not often you can set an important record for a franchise and maintain it for nearly a decade despite having played less than 300 games for them.

This is not the sight fans of the Warriors want to see

The Warriors: Tom Gola is gonna be pissed. Not only did the Warriors let the Kings score 131 points, but they let their former East Coast rival tie the historic record between the two teams at 184-184. Mark Jackson wasn't too happy about it either.

I'm very disappointed in how we allow a team to score 131 points without their best player

I'm assuming that he's talking about Tyreke Evans. That didn't sit too well with DeMarcus Cousins, who heard what the coach had said to the press, and tracked him down after the game so he could threaten to kick his ass. Jimmer and the Zeke-child must have felt disrespect in the air, judging by their combining for 26 points with neither of them cracking 20 minutes. (I feel the need to point out that line about Cousins was a joke, since at this point it's so hard to tell.)

Donald Sterling-lame ass: There aren't too many figures in the NBA who can make David Stern look good, but Donald Sterling is definitely one of them. The racist, whoremongering slumlord is essentially the last remaining obstacle between the Clippers and likability at the point. Which is probably why he's taking the team's ability to win despite him as an opportunity to ooze his way into the locker room and create awkward scenes.

After the Clips tied their '75 Buffalo incarnation with a franchise-best 11 game winning streak, they were rewarded with the disturbing sight of the Paste Man, who forced Vinny Del Negro to hug him (obviously unaware of his last name) and then led the team in a chorus of hip, hip hooray (because we all know how cool that is). On the upside, he didn't try to bring any women into the showers to stare at his players' "beautiful black bodies" or attempt to inspect anybody's teeth.

Fun Stat: This was a wonderful night for the Clippers, if we can just all ignore their repugnant owner, and fittingly CP3 took the opportunity to notch his 5,000th career assist, becoming the 3rd youngest player to reach the milestone after Magic and Zeke. 



The Hornets: The visitors were pretty much a footnote to the record setting and the winning streak, but they did provide the proper contrast to the Clippers success with their 9th straight loss. Starting guard Austin Rivers matched his 3 point output with 3 turnovers.

The Bobcats: Back in November when they were winning games, the Bobcats success was mostly built on the shoulders of Kemba Walker and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Both players shot a matching 9-14 against the Suns and had impressive all around games. However, this is December so all it resulted in was a 13th straight loss. The Guru of Wins, Jared Dudley, scored 20 points for the first time in his career, and Dragic had 21 points to go along with his 11 assists. 

I don't know what to say about these Cats anymore. If nothing else, maybe they can look around the league and find solace in the recent success of the Grizzlies and the Clippers. Before the Cats joined the league these two franchises had the worst historic records of any current team. It sounds ludicrous, but one day the Bobcats might be enjoying a lengthy streak in the opposite direction. That is unless Jordan gets his hands on some sort of nuclear device and just decides to wipe the franchise off the face of the earth.

Lacktion:

Knicks-Nets: MarShon Brooks stared angrily at Joe Johnson for 124 seconds of statlessness. Mirza Teletovic turned the ball over for a +1 suck differential in the same time frame, joining the opposition's James White in his rank of suckitude.

Celtics-Cavs: Jason Collins was inserted into the starting lineup for the Celtics so KG wouldn't have to play the 5 all night. What resulted was a 6:3 Voskuhl in 23 minutes and 16 seconds for Jason Collins. Leandro Barbosa raced his way to a +1 suck differential in 3:18 flat. 

Labels: Donald Sterling is an asshole, Kevin Durant, Kwame Brown, Paul Pierce, The Bobcats, The Broped, The Cavaliers, The Jazz, The Wizards

The Onion SportsDome is a brilliant show that will confuse people, because it's blatant absurdity that refuses to use a laugh track. It's like John Cleese took over ESPN. We're Americans, people. We need to be told when to laugh.

Labels: Kwame Brown, The Onion

Could be worse. It could be The Magic Hour.
My fellow gamers should be happy to hear this new rumor: Michael Jordan might be on the cover of NBA 2K11, and possibly even may be featured as a playable character. Or maybe this just means new features in a team ownership mode where you can draft scrubs like Kwame Brown and sign Larry Hughes while gambling and smoking cigars on a golf course.

Speaking of Jordan, Rajon Rondo hasn't really ever seen him play. According to this superb interview (h/t Jonah Keri for the link), he never was a fan of the NBA when he was younger. In fact, he grew up in Louisville only an hour and a half from Indianapolis (like me) and never once went to see them play a single game in person (also like me) However, he found he enjoyed basketball more than other sports and was really good at it (unlike me), so he made the NBA his goal because he knew that was the highest level of basketball. Wouldn't you rather be in the NBA rather than playing in the D-League or overseas, even if it means being Adam Morrison? (Okay, bad example, not even Adam Morrison wants to be Adam Morrison.)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I'm surprised they didn't slap Glen Davis with the first-ever quadruple technical foul or something for this

Hey refs, can you go ahead and "T" up Vag Carter next game just because? Thanks in advance!
All The Games:
Suns at Lakers - TNT, 9:00pm
Series tied 2-2

The Lakers have won seven straight Game 5 home games. However, the Suns have Barkley's-colossal-ass-running-downhill momentum, and their zone defense is melting the Spanish Marshmallow Pau Gasol. (Mmm... melted marshmallows...) Lakers home-court means they get some mojo back and a little friendlier refereeing, but this should be a high-intensity game.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Boston Celtics, Kwame Brown, Larry Hughes, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns

While you are recovering from your Livin' Large hangover, here are a few Bawfulitos that are worth mentioning:

• Remember kids: If you work hard and stay in school, you may someday live next door to the $3 million dollar Los Angeles summer villa owned by one of the worst draft picks in league history. Only because you're his personal gardener.

• The WNBA is making a comeback! Not only is scoring is at an all-time "high", there was an actual dunk sighting during last week's WNBA All Star Game! Also, last year's champs, the Detroit Shock, were invited to The White House, presumably for the unveiling of Barack Obama's "Cash for Boredom" stimulus package.

• Apparently, when an exhibition game between Canada and Italy is described as "friendly", that means there is a very good chance that someone will get punched in the back of the head.

• In a case of epic superdickery, Richard Jefferson broke up with his fiancee just days before their wedding. Via e-mail no less! But this shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Anyone who's followed the Bucks or Nets knows that RJ has been mailing it in for years.

• Blue-chipper Mark Madsen is stuck in the middle of a domain name theft investigation, after paying $111,000 for the stolen domain name P2P.com on Ebay. Some news stories are describing Madsen's involvement as "a good faith purchaser" of the stolen goods. Very similar to how the Timberwolves were "good faith purchasers" of talentless goods back in 2005.

• Starbury has discovered the internets. Things do not go well.

Labels: fights, Kwame Brown, Mark Madsen, Richard Jefferson, Stephon Marbury, WNBA

Thanks to Michael W. for today's pic.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Despite the temptation, I'm not going to crack on them for letting the Bobcats shoot for the game. I will, however, laugh mockingly at the following facts: They got choke-slammed on the boards (44-28), missed 10 foul shots (25-for-35) and committed 21 turnovers (which led to 23 points for the 'Cats). That combination of flubups sure makes it hard to win. Or, you know, lose with dignity.

Rudy Gay: He recovered from a brutal three-game stretch in which he went 13-for-39 from the field to score 26 points on 10-for-15 shooting. BUT...he had 7 of his team's 21 lost balls. That's a lot of balls to lose. I said balls. Said Gay: "I know personally I turned the ball over a couple of useless times. We just have to play more solid." Notice how quickly he went from "I" to "We"?

Emeka Okafor: I haven't forgotten about The Okafor Watch! Last night, the mighty Oak went off for 20 and 15 to go along with 3 steals and 3 blocked shots. But, of course, he had zero assists. It was the eighth time the last 13 games that he had a goose egg in the assist column. In the other five games, he had 1 assist. So far on the season, he has 25 zero-assist outings and 14 others in which he notched only 1 assist. And that accounts for all but three games! In that other trio of games, he had 2, 3, and 4 assists, respectively. The current Watch standings: 404 shot attempts, 199 free throw attempts, 23 assists and 83 turnovers. His mother obviously didn't teach him to share.

The Toronto Craptors: Bad shooting? Check (42 percent). Beaten on the boards? Check (40-28). Ineffective defense? Check (3 steals, 1 block and an opponent field goal percentage of 50+ percent). Another double-digit road loss? Check (95-76). Seven straight losses? Very check (and 28 overall). Said Raptors coach Jay Triano: "We need to do a better job of fighting through adversity. I don't know why, but when we get down, we seem to lose confidence and hang our heads a little." I'm not a sports psychologist or anything, but not being very good doesn't usually do much to boost team confidence.

Kwame Brown: Basketbawful reader jhaig left the following comment: "Originally from The Raptors Blog by Doug Smith: 'Action: A halftime stroll. Reaction: A strange, telling sight. Maybe this tells you everything you need to know about a guy. Walking down a hallway by the Pistons locker room at halftime, spied Kwame Brown coming out of the press room with a full bag of popcorn. Seems he'd ducked in to grab some food put out for the grunts and others.'"

The Phoenix Suns: Battered by a jillion in Boston and then neutered in New York? That's a sorry two-game stretch for a team that, in theory, has the talent to contend for a title. The Suns have now lost four of five, a slump that includes a home loss to the Timberwolves. Said Steve Nash: "Before this five-game stretch, I was feeling pretty good about our team and I felt like we had turned a corner, and so to take two steps back here lately has been frustrating. I'm not sure I have the answers for it."

Amare Stoudemire: Okay, STAT needs to spend less time filming cutsie videos to convince people he's an All-Star and more time playing like one. He followed up his stinker against the Celtics (3 points on 0-for-7 shooting) by shooting 6-for-17 against one of the league's worst defenses. Oh, and he got posterized by David Lee...


Shaq: The Big Geritol dropped 18 points on the Knicks in the first half but was held to a single field goal in the second as David Lee (25 points, 16 boards) soundly outplayed him. Said Lee: "When [O'Neal] was rested more in the first half, there's nothing I can obviously do to keep him from going where he wants to go. In the second half, I think he got a little worn down. That's what it's like sometimes on a road trip. I was able to keep running up and down a little bit." It sorta seems like teams can game plan for Shaq to quiet down as the game progresses. That's...great. Oh, and Shaq-ovic was only 5-for-13 from the line as the Suns missed 14 free throws in the 5-point loss. I'm just sayin'.

The Miami Heat defense: The fact that the Celtics shot 51 percent and dominated the boards (48-30) isn't all that surprising, I guess. But Eddie House set season-high by scoring 20 points in the second quarter! House finished with 25 on 9-for-15 from the field, which included 7-for-11 shooting accuracy from downtown. (It was Eddie's first 20-point game since -- you guessed it! -- he did it against the Heat in Miami on January 29, 2008.) Speaking of three-point shooting, Ray Allen was 5-for-6 from distance and the Celtics finished a season-best 15-for-25 from beyond the arc. Memo to the Heat: It's called "hand in the face." Try it. You'll like it. I think.

Shawn Marion: I think this snippet from the AP recap says it all: "Shawn Marion, who was limited to eight minutes -- he took treatment for a sore left groin throughout the day but wound up starting -- missed an easy dunk, perhaps the ultimate lowlight for Miami." No wonder Pat Riley's considering trading Marion for Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. That, in and of itself, tells you how far Marion has fallen of the "Most-coveted NBA Players" chart. Speaking of signs...

The Dallas Mavericks: A 33-point road loss to a sub-.500 team is a sure sign that this team is so far past it's freshness date that it's time to throw it away and buy a new box of Twinkies. The offense was putrid (36 percent shooting), sure, but the defense, oh dear lord in heaven, the defense! Milwaukee scored 133 points while hitting almost 58 [!!] percent of their shots for the game. Welcome to the NBA, Allas Mavericks! Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "The second quarter they shot 83 percent from the field. The third quarter they shot 74. I am just disappointed particularly in the way the second and third quarters came down. We're better than that, and we should be better than that." Added Dirk Nowitzki: "It's just embarrassing, really. They got whatever they wanted—wide-open shots, drives, layups." Hey, Dirk, here's a copy of that memo I sent the Heat...

Basketbawful reader Mladen added: "The Mavs starters' Plus-Minus scores were: -14, -19, -10, -12, and -22. Mark Cuban might just injure his neck soon. Oh, and in case you were wondering how did Cuban's prized possession Dampier did: 2 points (0-for-3 shooting), 8 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Although, he did get two blocks and he didn't miss a free throw. (The -10 belongs to him, so I guess that makes him the best starter last night.) Certainly worth the money they chose not to invest in Steve Nash."

Mark Cuban: Basketbawful reader Mladen sent this in: "And here's my favorite quote from the AP recap: '...but Dallas never made a run leaving Mavs owner Mark Cuban shaking his head just behind the bench.'" Mladen also noted that the headline on NBA.com was "Bucks Run Past Mavericks In Laugher." I don't think Marky Mark was laughing very much.

Comcast: Basketbawful reader Sam writes in: "I just hope no one from Seattle was watching in the Philly area..."


Update! Comcast, unintentionally dirty cable provider: AK Dave, regarding the above graphic, noted: "Comcast should get an unintentionally dirty mention for the 'Sports Packages' they have listed on that graphic." Seriously. And, uh, doesn't Comcast usually charge $5.99 for those special viewings? That's what I've heard, anyway...

The New Jersey Nets: The Hornets were without David West (back spasms), Tyson Chandler (left ankle) and Chandler's backup Hilton Armstrong (left knee). And, mind you, New Orleans is NOT a deep team. But they still dropped the Nets by double-digits as Chris Paul barely missed a triple-double (29 points, 9 rebounds, 8 assists). Nets coach Lawrence Frank said: "In the third quarter, frustration took over. We missed some easy shots, we got some fouls called against us. At times we did not take great shots."

Vince Carter: Despite the loss, New Jersey's fourth straight defeat, Vinsane was feeling good. "We let one slip away. But the positive I take out of it is that we were able to fight back and not lay down. We lost by 10 points or so, but I think guys continued to fight, continued to play hard just to chip away and try to get ourselves back in it. They just did a great job of closing us out." That's right, Vince! The glass is half full! (Of crap.)

Carlos Boozer: Yes, the Jazz lost, but here was Milsap's line: 20 points (9-for-15) and 12 rebounds despite limited minutes due to foul trouble. So, uh, Carlos who?

The Portland Trail Blazer defense: Rolling over for LeBron James (34 points and 14 assists) is one thing, but giving up a season-high 33 points -- including a career-high six 3-pointers -- to Mo Williams is a little less excusable. The Cavaliers shot almost 53 percent for the game and hit 11-for-19 from the Land of Three. Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "When you're opposing players like LeBron James and Mo Williams, especially at their best, you've got to be more aggressive." Gee, Nate, ya think?! Can I get that memo I made for the Heat back from Dirk and the Mavs so I can give it to the Blazers? Thanks.

The Sacramento Kings: A few days ago, I named the Kings the Worst Team in the League. And, as if to prove me right, they immediately dropped a home game against the worst team in the East. Way to step down to the challenge, Sacramento! The Kings, by the way, have yet to defeat an Eastern Conference team. It was bad enough that they let the Wiz score 110 points on 52 percent shooting, but here's some added perspective for you from the AP recap: "Having failed to score 100 or more points in 11 of the past 12 games, the Wizards went over the 100-point mark on a Darius Songaila basket with 5:04 left in the game." Wow, huh?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Oh, they are SO who we thought they were. Minus their four best players -- Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Chris Kaman (strained left arch), Zach Randolph (sore left knee) and Marcus Camby (sprained left ankle) -- the Clippers were forced to let Brian Skinner man the middle with predictably disastrous results: Andrew Bynum scored career-high 42 points (on 17-for-24 shooting) to go along with 15 rebounds. That made Bynum the first Laker other than Kobe Bryant to drop 40 since Shaq had 48 against Boston on March 21, 2003. Speaking of Kobe, he had his second triple-double in three games (18 points, 10 rebounds, 12 assists). It might be time to change the Clippers team name to "The Los Angeles Props."

The Golden State Warriors: It's never good to lose at home. It's even worse to lose to the worst team (record-wise) in the NBA. And it's even WORSTER to do it the way the Warriors did it: After scoring 121 points (which included a mind-boggling 38-for-40 from the charity stripe) on 52 percent shooting. Of course, that'll happen when you give up 122 points, the last 2 of which came on a buzzer-beater from Jeff Green. It was the Thunder's third road win of the season.

Don Nelson, quote machine: Alex B noted a little grumpiness in Nelson's post-game comments: "Not sure if you've seen this one, but here's what Nellie had to say about Jeff Green's buzzer beater that won the game for the Thunder against that lousy team of his. 'I don't believe (Green) called bank on the shot. I believe he shot it so poorly it went in. It was one of those shots.' Now I don't know if that's WotN material, but it sure sounds like a combination of sour grapes and desperately sad trombone to me. Especially since the Warriors had allowed 120 points prior to that game-winning shot. From the Thunder. At home." Alex, that is most definitely WotN material. Thank you.

NBA.com: Thanks to Josh, Gab V. and Pabjor for passing this along. Apparently, Derrick Rose is the most prolific rookie scoring machine in, like, forever. You'd think the Bulls would have a better record with rose averaging more than 1,600 points per game...


Lacktion report: Chris speaks, er, writes again:

Grizzlies-Bobcats: It looks like the Grizzlies will definitely have a starter for the All-Lacktion Team as Greg Buckner has honed the art of being a regular non-factor, showing up tonight with +1 (turnover) in 3:12. For Charlotte, Mark Cuban's Folly, er, DeSagana Diop proved why he recently earned a one-way ticket out of the Mavs, by grabbing a rebound that interfered with a solid three minutes of mediocrity (where he fouled twice).

Suns-Knicks: The matchup of the two Mike 'antoni squads past and present was full of offense and efense (yep, no D!) with both teams breaking the century mark. So could there still be some stunningly bland statlines? Oh yes -- Alando Tucker gave the ball away once for +1 in 4:02 for Phoenix.

Celtics-Heat: Patrick O'Bryant served as tonight's human victory cigar for Boston, netting Doc Rivers and his squad a solid 2.5 trillion fortune. But this one-time creation of wealth doesn't compare to the consistency of another probable All-Lacktion superstar, Yakhouba Diawara, who keeps the Heat's spot on the lacktion reports nice and warm. Diawara bricked thricely from past the arc for +3 in 7:44, while apparently Jamaal Magloire has become his apprentice, matching his teammate's +3 (in 6:21) via foul, missed shot, and turnover. Since the Heat are still in some way under Pat Riley's watch, the "ffense" approach (no O!) was only fitting, except that that also required a defensive effort that didn't happen, as the Celtics' run through slumpbusting teams continues.

Raptors-Pistons: With Jake Voskuhl not getting any court time this evening in Auburn Hills, Toronto needed a fresh face to live down to low expectations, and they got it in rookie Nathan Jawai, whose first game in the Association saw him losing the ball to the Pistons once for a +1 in 3:05. Jawai, originally picked by the Pacers but then sent along to the Raptors as a traveling companion for The Drain, was until tonight in the NBA D-League. This apparently gave him time to be interviewed by AOL Fanhouse about nearly being eaten by a crocodile. I wonder how many rookies over the years have racked lacktion in their first ever appearance, and how many of those folks have gone the extra mile to take home a bonus trillion. You only get one chance to make an unimpressive first impression after all!

Jazz-Rockets: Jarron Collins bricked once and took a foul to give Utah +2 in 5:20.

Wizards-Kings: Suckramento's Bobby Jackson missed two shots (once from downtown) for +2 in 5:50.

Cavs-Blazers: Tarence Kinsey is to lacktion what King Crab is to scoring - truly elite. And when called upon to do absolutely nothing in the name of bawful, Kinsey delivered this evening at the Rose Garden. He knocked in a 26 second Mario, a fine nonperformance alongside the equally brave effort of fellow Crabolier Darnell Jackson who earned a mention in the lacktion report with two fouls and a brick for +3 in 9:48. This is Kinsey's fourth unproductive game in six days, a very effective way to make a case that he unquestionably should be chosen for the Basketbawful All-Lacktion team. His combined stats in those four appearances? One foul in five minutes and four seconds spread out over 192 minutes of game time. I'm not sure we've ever witnessed a sustained run of pure nothingness like this before, but it is glorious.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba invited all the Lakers over to Luke Walton's place for an after-game party. At one point, he pretended to go to the bathroom but instead filled Luke's underwear drawer with women's panties. He then yelled out, "Hey, everybody! Luke's drawers! They're filled with lady's undies! Come look!" Now the rest of the team believes Luke likes to crossdress.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Dallas Mavericks, Kwame Brown, Memphis Grizzlies, Okafor Watch, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, those poor Seattle fans, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

"Detroit " versus "Cleveland": I know it's the end of the season and the games are meaningless and the coaches need to rest their starters. But Arron Afflalo versus Wally Sczcerbiak was not what the schedule makers had in mind when they arranged for these two teams to meet on the last night of the regular season. Not only were fans forced to watch the scrubs duke it out, they were treated to a total brickfest, with the "Pistons" shooting 38 percent and the "Cavaliers" scoring only 74 points on 32 percent shooting.

Damon Jones: The self-proclaimed "best shooter in the world" shot 1-for-12, and 0-for-4 from three-point range. It's like a stat curse that will never end...

"Washington" versus "Orlando": See above. (I always wanted to watch Marcin Gortat score a career-high 12 points!!)

Adonal Foyle: From Steven: "In the Wizards-Magic game today, Adonal Foyle, in 8 minutes of play, recorded just 1 shot (which was blocked) and 1 rebound. Surely 1 rebound and a shot which was blocked in 8 minutes is worse than a one or two trillion. I mean this guy is a center and thats all he can do?" Add in the fact that he was playing in garbage time? Yeah. Definitely worse than a one or two trillion.

New Orleans Hornets: They actually tried to win their game last night - Byron Scott chose not to rest his starters - and yet they lost to Dallas anyway. What's worse, the loss ensured that the'd be facing the Mavericks in the playoffs.

Chris Paul: He was already a longshot to win the MVP, but the loss coupled with an ass-whoopin' from Jason Kidd (27 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists) cost him whatever little chance he had left. Not to mention it probably gave additional ammunition to the "Anti-Chris Paul For MVP" movement.

Dirk Nowitzki, quote machine: This is what Herr Diggler had to say after the game: "This was definitely a win we wanted to get. The Lakers are probably the hottest team in the West. We definitely didn't want to face them in the first round...(New Orleans) had a great year, but I think we match up pretty well." Good job, Dirk! You managed to demean your first round opponent and show abject fear of a possible future playoff opponent all in the same sentence. And that's what we call insult efficiency.

Isiah Thomas: His last game was a loss that ensured his Knicks would match the worst record in franchise history, which just so happend to occur a few years ago under his watch (although he was "only" the GM; Larry Brown was coaching the team). He also got booed in Indiana, where he once coached and was a college basketball hero at Indiana University. Oh, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. matched his career-high of 36 points for the third time against the Knicks this season. Now that, my friends, is ignominy.

Jamal Crawford, quote machine: Mr. Shoots-a-lot had this to say when asked about Isiah's future with the team. "Everybody here likes coach Thomas a lot. He brought everybody here personally, so there’s a certain loyalty to him and I always put in perspective with Doc Rivers. Last year, they (Boston) won 15, 16 games (actually 24) and everybody wanted him fired. This year, he's up for coach of the year. It helps to get Kevin Garnett no question, but Doc’s done a good job managing down there, so hopefully we can have the same effect here." He cannot be serious. Can he...?

Maurice Cheeks: I understand the need to get your starters some rest, and I also understand the fear of somebody getting hurt. But still, Philly needed a win last night for their confidence. The fact of the matter is, they've been slumping. They know it, the Pistons know it, everybody knows it. But now instead of finishing the season 41-41, they ended it two games under .500 and probably wondering what the hell they're going to do against Detroit. Let me put it this way: I can't remember too many teams who ended the regular season on a four-game losing streak making much noise in the playoffs. Can you?

New Jersey Nets: Beaten by the Celtics bench (their supposed Achille's heel going into this season). Destroyed by Leon Powe (27 points, 11 rebounds). I can't imagine any better way for the Nets to end their miserable season.

Maurice Ager: Ego-ectomy! During the second quarter, Maurice had his junk stuffed by Tony Allen. But it wasn't just a blocked shot; Allen stopped the ball and ripped it away from Ager one-handed.

Atlanta Hawks: I'll let Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm take this one. "Oh, the Hawks lost to Miami. Huh. Let me check the box score. They must have rested the starte...HOW IN THE HOLY BALLS OF CHRIST DO YOU PLAY YOUR STARTERS MORE THAN 30 MINUTES AND NOT BEAT THE HEAT? HOW? Forfeit. Forfeit now, Atlanta. You're about to unleash an embarrassment unlike anything Ben Stiller has ever concocted. Forfeit. Save us all."

Johnny "Red" Kerr: Hooooo, boy! Watching the Bulls may have blown chunks ths season, but Bulls fans always have Johnny to entertain us, and he never let's us down. Never. Ever. [From Odenized.]


Larry Krystkowiak, quote machine: After watching his team finish their 26-56 season with an overtime loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves, Larry said: "It stings. It is a negative exclamation point on a season. It would have been nice to walk out of here with a smile, but such is life." It also would have been nice if your team didn't suck so much. But such is life.

Ramon Sessions: This isn't a worst of the night, unless you count the guys defending him, because "Razor" Ramon had 25 points and 14 assists. This is the same former D-Leaguer who had 20 points and a Bucks franchise record 24 assists against Chicago the other day. Can anyone stop him?!

Corey Brewer: Watch Corey blow his second dunk of the game, then grab the offensive rebound and miss a layup. Another ego-ectomy.


Loren Woods: Thanks, Loren. I didn't think anybody would get a one trillion last night.

Chris Marlowe: The Nuggets broadcaster not only got a case of the hiccups during the game, he nicknamed J.R. Smith "The Headbandless Horseman." Don't worry if you don't get it. I don't either. [From Odenized.]

Kwame Brown: According to Yahoo!, Kwame had a 12 trillion and a +'- score of -7. According to everybody else, he "only" got a DNP-CD. Whatever the case, he sucks. He sucks bad. If I ever create a new industrial strength vacuum cleaner with incredible sucking power, I'm changing it's name from The Diaw to The Kwame. And, naturally, it'll be totally overpriced...

Utah Jazz: Wow. Way to get castrated by the Spurs, guys. Or is "castration" to generous. Yeah, probably too generous. That loss cost them homecourt advantage in the playoffs, by the way.

Kyle Korver: Remember Kyle's "Tickle-Me Elmo" defense from earlier this season? Well, it happened again. Look, Kyle. I'm sure the whole "Gay Elf" thing goes over big at the Lord of the Rings conventions. But it doesn't work real well in the NBA. Keep it up, and Jerry Sloan is going to choke a bitch. Can you guess who the bitch is going to be?

Bill Kennedy, Pat Fraher and Steve Javie: Poor Brian Skinner almost never gets to play, and you kick him out of the game for this? You guys are assholes just doing your job and trying to keep things under control.

Portland Trailblazers: You guys lost the chance to finish above .500 by losing the the Phoenix bench, which consists of D.J. Strawberry, Alando Tucker, Eric Piatkowski and Sean Marks. Just for that, I'm taking back 13.8 percent of the nice things I said about you this season.

Golden State Warriors: What a way to finish up a heartbreaking season...by losing to the (then) 19-win SuperSonics. I'm suddenly kind of glad they didn't make the playoffs.

Basketbawful: In today's NBA Closer column on Deadspin, I claimed that this year's Golden State Warriors were the first team since the 1990-91 Warriors to field three 20-point scorers. And a reader named Travis let me know I was wrong. "I'm a big fan of the site and your work on Deadspin, but I a quibble with your statement in today's NBA Closer column that the Warriors are the first team in 17 years to have three players average 20 points per game. Depending on how you compute a player's average (i.e., whether you round up), the 2004-05 Wizards had three players who averaged 20 points or more per game: Arenas, Jamison, and (yes, it's true!) Larry Hughes." Thanks for the correction, Travis. I feel like crap now.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Golden State Warriors, Isiah Thomas, Kwame Brown, Kyle Korver, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

I'm busy writing some Eastern Conference playoff previews for Deadspin, but I promise that Kyle Korver's "gay elf defense" and Kwame Brown's mind-boggling 12 trillion [!!] will get full coverage in a couple hours.

Note: Okay. Yahoo! has Kwame down for the 12 trillion, ESPN has him down for a DNP-CD, and NBA.com has him down with a bunch of slashes. I'll get to the bottom of this when I write the post...

Labels: Kwame Brown, Kyle Korver, Worst of the Night

Avery Johnson: Did anybody notice Brandon Bass had a huge game (19 points on 8-for-13 shooting) against Phoenix on Sunday? Impressive, no? Perhaps Dallas would have been able to hold off the Lakers on Friday if The Little General had played Bass more than 12 seconds. If it had been me, I would have at least tried to see if Bass could stay in front of Lamar Odom. Nobody else on the Mavs could.

Byron Scott: Yes, his Hornets have the best record in the West and just matched a franchise record with 54 wins. But why isn't he playing Chris Anderson?! I wants me some Birdman, Byron! If you can find time for Ryan Bowen, you can find time for Anderson.

Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats have been playing hard lately, and they've pulled off a few surprising victories. But Saturday's loss to the Celtics was kind of embarrassing. They scored nine points in the fourth quarter and got blown out 101-78...and KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen didn't even play. Did I happen to mention this game took place in Charlotte? Zoikes.

Chucky Atkins: What a weekend for the Chuckmeister. Five trillion on Saturday, DNP-CD on Sunday. Do you think that was enough to make his mother cry? I do.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Don't look now, but this team is in trouble. And I don't just mean because of their back-to-back losses to Chicago and Orlando. Mike Brown has "created" an offense that pretty much begins and ends with "give LeBron the ball and let him create something." But The King is hurting. Who's going to pick up the slack? Oh, and look: If the playoffs started today, they'd be facing the Wizards. You know know DeShawn Stevenson is just licking his chops at the prospect of facing a gimpy LeBron.

DeSagana Diop: The Nets aren't even playing him anymore. He had two DNP-CDs over the weekend. He's finally entered what I am now calling The Kwame Brown Zone (TM).

Don Nelson: Hm. The Warriors: Their three-point shooting is spiraling downward, they're losing leads and struggling on the road against good teams...yeah, that whole "I'm gonna play my big guns around 40 minutes per game because that's just how I do things" strategy is starting to backfire a little bit. The ironic thing is that they actually have a better record right now than they finished with last year. So I guess his plan kinda worked, and kinda didn't.

Enver Nuggets: A few weeks ago, I blasted the Nuggets frightening lack of defense and got rebuked for it. The anti-me critics used John Hollinger's defensive efficiency rating -- which shows that Enver is a top ten defensive unit -- as evidence that I was way off base. And even though I thought that their rating was a little misleading when taken out of context, I agreed to keep an eye on the Nuggets defense and even said that I'd admit if I was wrong. Well...I wasn't wrong, and this weekend sort of proved my point. On Saturday, the Nuggets gave up 118 points in a tough home loss to the Sacramento Kings (36-41). On Sunday, they gave up 151 points (on 52 percent shooting) in a loss to the Seattle SuperSonics (18-59). Mind you, that game went into double overtime, but the Sonics had still scored 126 at the end of regulation. Oh, and rookies Kevin Durant and Jeff Green went off for career-highs of 37 and 35 points, respectively.

So, uh, does anybody else want to defend the Nuggets defense now? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Random email of the day: This is from Basketbawful reader Panki. "OMG, there is absolutely and definitely no D in Enver. How can a playoff contender lose a game to Sonics (SONICS!)?! How can two rooks combine for 72 point in 25-45 shooting and 18-19 from the line?! How can six Sonics finish in double figures?! OMG, OMG, OMG! My brain is burning."

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: After watching his team get sliced and diced by the Jazz, Pop said: "They played well and beat us good." Thanks for the insight, coach.

Jim Kozimor: From Odenized. This Kings sideline reporter did some shameless flirting with one of the team's dancers. And by "shameless," I mean "creepy." How could Jim have ever gotten the wrong idea about those girls?


J.R. Smith: Also from Odenized. Hey, J.R. The rim is still 10 feet high, yo!


Kwame Brown: He had his best game as a Grizzly on Wednesday, with 11 points (5-for-8) and 8 rebounds. Didn't lead to more PT, though. He had two DNP-CDs over the weekend. Do you realize that Kwame will probably be out of the league after this season? Has any other former number one overall pick ever been out of the league in six seasons or less since the inception of the draft lottery? It might be research time. Update: An anonymous poster (dude, leave your name next time so I can credit you) left the following comment: "If Kwame is out of the league next year he will be the first lottery #1 to ever be done that fast, and you have to go back to LaRue Martin (four seasons and done) in '72 to find any number one gone sooner."

Manu Ginobili, quote machine: He must be taking lessons from his coach. After his team matched a franchise record for futility (see below), Manu said: "When it’s good, I don't care about history. And when it's bad, I don't care either." Hasn't anybody ever told him that those who don't pay attention to history are doomed to repeat it? Because I learned that cliche in sixth grade Social Studies. (Speaking of which, why the hell do they call it "Social Studies" anyway? Maybe because students spend most of the class passing notes and talking to the people next to them.)

Mario West: Friday night, he played three seconds against the Sixers. Saturday night, he got a DNP-CD. Mario West...living the dream.

Memphis versus Minnesota: Exhibit's A through Z in the case against meaningless end-of-the-season games. Can't we just cancel them? Or maybe we just need to up the excitement. Like telling them before the game that a player will be randomly selected from the losing team for a public execution...now go! That would be fun.

Orlando Magic: Okay, uhm, what the hell, guys? Losing to the Knicks? The Knicks?! Even worse, the loss was at least partially the result of the fact that the Magic couldn't contain rookie Wilson Chandler, who went off for a game and career-high 23 points. Mind you, this is the same Wilson Chandler who played only 30 seconds in New York's Friday night loss to the Hornets. This is a perfect example of how not to prepare for the playoffs.

Phoenix Suns: The NBA's third highest scoring and best shooting team coughed up a 14-point lead by scoring only nine points in the fourth quarter against the Mavericks on Sunday, thus earning the dubious distinction of becoming The First Really Good Team That Dallas Beat Since Trading For Jason Kidd. Don't expect my congratulations.

Ryan Bowen: He had a DNP-CD against the Knicks and a one trillion against the Warriors. Also, his player profile page on Yahoo has exactly two pictures: Him getting scored on by Jarvis Hayes, and him being scored on by Jacque Vaughn. Nice highlight.

Sacramento Kings: I know they were exhausted from beating the Nuggets on Saturday night, so I can forgive their blowout loss to the Lakers. But letting Vladimir Radmanovic grab a career-high-tying 14 rebounds? You're telling me they were too tired to block out Radmanovic, whom Phil Jackson once referred to as a "space cadet" because of his lack of focus and concentration on the court? That's sad.

San Antonio Spurs: On Friday night, the Spurs shot 36 percent from the field and matched the franchise record for lowest point total in a single game (64) while getting their butts beaten by the Jazz ("Yes sir! May I have another?!"). On Saturday night, they shot 38 percent and scored only eight more points, but they managed to notch an ugly 72-65 victory over the Portland Trail Blazers. Maybe it's time for the aging Spurs to invest in some nice reading glasses. Hey, bifocals are totally sexy, right?

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: Was Stan the Man a little upset about his team's flop-a-roo against the Knicks? Yeah, you could say that. And here's what he said: "It was our worst game of the year by far. Both ends of the floor, no energy. We did an awful job. I did an awful job leaving those guys in the game. I should have gone with some other people in a game like that because the guys out there either couldn't or wouldn't. We were awful. It was embarrassing. We shouldn't be tired. We played a game yesterday, so what? It's the NBA. You can't use that as an excuse. It was just an awful, awful night." Hey, you don't have to hold back, Stan. Tell us how you really feel.

Steve Nash: Captain Canada had a rough shooting game against Dallas, and it probably cost the Suns the game: 4-for-17 from the field, 0-for-9 in the second half, 0-for-6 in the fourth quarter. What happened?! Here are my theories: 1. Mike Breen stat cursed him before the game by commenting that Nash had been "on fire" lately. 2. Whatever shooting disease Jason Kidd has is catching. 3. Mike D'Antoni screwed up by leaving Nash on the bench -- well, laying on the floor by the bench -- to long between the third and fourth quarters. Yes, Nash needs rest, but the Suns offense became a rudderless ship the longer Nash wasn't in the game, and he was ice-cold by the time he finally checked back in. Have I mentioned I totally don't trust or believe in D'Antoni's rotation and time management skills?

The cruelty of fate: Joel "Vanilla Godzilla" Przybilla's season came to a premature end yesterday when he broke a bone in his hand in a game against the Spurs. As I've been noting over and over, Joel has been a beast on the boards lately. It's sad that his best season as a pro had to end this way, especially considering that he's likely to see his minutes reduced radically next season, unless Oden gets hurt playing pickup ball or something.

Toronto Raptors: Back-to-back losses to the Bobcats and Nets dropped them to game below .500. They should be so much better than this.

Miami Heat Washington Generals: Pat Riley should institute a new team goal for the final few games of the regular season: Lose by only single digits. Baby steps, you know?

Labels: Charles Barkley, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Kwame Brown, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Weekend

"Hands...feel like...stone..."

stone hands (ston handz) noun. A term used to describe the hands of a player who has extreme difficulty -- note the emphasis on extreme -- catching a basketball, dribbling a basketball, passing a basketball, and finishing layups. In some radical cases, the player can't even dunk effectively. The dunk, of course, being a shot that's successfully converted something like 100 percent of the time. Let me put it another way: The only reason you would ever hand this person your baby is if you didn't want that baby anymore. Also, you probably shouldn't let him carry the grocery bag with the eggs and bread in it.

Usage example: And Kwame Brown flat out sucks. He has stone hands, and, when the sun shines on a dog's [expletive for "butt"] and he DOES catch the ball, he either turns it over or misses a two-footer. [From Hoffa the Great's blog on FanNation]

Word trivia: During L.A.'s 106-98 loss to the Suns, Lakers fans played The Giant Falling Anvil to Kwame Brown's Wile E. Coyote, booing him with a pitiless rage that would make even Hannibal Lecter a little uneasy. Kwame played so badly -- 3-for-8 shooting, two blown layups, one missed dunk, and 7 turnovers -- that one wonders whether he has the manual dexterity necessary to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, like using a remote control or unwrapping a piece of gum.

You poor little Lakers fans think you really have it rough, don't you? Well, screw you guys. You don't know what "rough" is. Rough is being a long-time Utah Jazz fan who lived through a decade's worth of Gregory Donovan Ostertag. Don't talk to me about blown passes and missed dunks. There's a 10,000-page book on the subject; you'll find it in the library, alphabetized by author: Ostertag, Greg.

Do you realize that Ostertag stood 7'2" and weighed 300 pounds, and he had the most prolific passer of all time tossing him the rock, and he still shot a miserable 48 percent for his career? And none of those shots were put up outside of two feet! Nobody should blame John Stockton or Karl Malone for those heartbreaking losses in the 1997 and 1998 NBA Finals. If Ostertag could have held onto a damn ball once or twice, the Jazz might have won back-to-back titles.

Grraaaaargh!! Okay. I think I'm done now.

Would you like some insult with your injury? Just how stiff and impenetrable are Brown's stony hands? Even the video game Kwame can't catch the damn ball. Or even react to it as it hits him square in the chest. Man, today's video games are realistic.

Labels: fans, Kwame Brown, Los Angeles Lakers, stone hands, Word of the Day

"Quit yer damn blubbering, Frenchy."

JamesOn Curry: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who's currently serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry will most likely miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's game against the Austin Toros on Sunday.

Bruce Bowen: He scored 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting last night. That makes Bowen 5-for-31 (16 percent) over his last six games. His best performance during that stretch was a 6-point, 2-for-8 performance against the Warriors. As I've said before, I know the Spurs don't keep him around for his offense or his good looks, but the dude's shooting the ball like somebody replaced his hands with oozing squid tentacles.

Francisco Elson: He was only 0-for-2 in limited action, which doesn't sound that bad, but trust me, it was. First of all, Elson's two shots were a 15-footer from the left wing and a 17-footer from the right wing. According to most NBA scouts, those shots were about 14 and 16 feet outside his range, repectively. Second, I have rarely seen a jumpshot so awkward and ugly. It would make a blind goat weep. I swear, the way his limbs splay out and freeze during his jumper, it's like he's getting electrocuted mid-shot. Francisco, if you're wondering why Gregg Popovich yanked you after only three minutes, go back and watch film of those shots.

Sasha Pavlovic: Cleveland's shooting ace went 1-for-4 last night, including 0-for-2 from three-point range.

Damon Jones: How about Damon's new hairstyle? The sides are mostly shaved but he still has the hair on top. What do you call that, exactly? A fohawk? Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Brad Miller's cornrows or Scot Pollards, well, anything. But still.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Speaking of hair, Ilgauskas was sporting the freshly-shaved head look last night. You know, minus the somewhat manly noggin-stubble, the Z-Man's shorn scalp makes him look kind of like the Metaluna mutant, or maybe Sloth from The Goonies.

Tony Parker: TP missed two ginormous freethrows with 29.4 seconds to play...freethrows that would have tied the game at 90. Instead of tying it up, the Spurs lost 90-88. At home. Said Parker: "They both felt good. They just didn't go in," Parker said. "I shoot 200 free throws every day. It was a good chance to show my improvement. They just didn't go in." Actually, Parker is shooting only 73 percent from the line this season after hitting a career-high 78 percent last year. You know, just FYI.

Utah Jazz: Hmm. Do you think defense is a problem for the Jazz? They gave up 120 points, 16 offensive rebounds, and a career-high 41 points to...Linas Kleiza?! How has Jerry Sloan not gone freako apeshit yet? I'm telling you, if he doesn't get berzerky soon, somebody needs to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Paul Millsap: For the most part, I'd say Millsap has exceeded expectations for a guy who was picked 17th in the second round of the NBA draft. But 1-for-8 shooting wouldn't exceed anybody's expectations, unless maybe Millsap was actually a labradoodle.

[Update] Marcus Camby's shooting: The people -- or at least a reader named Five Pound Bag -- have spoken: "You could have added 'Marcus Camby's shooting,' as he missed on the rare dirty triple by two points on account of going 4-13 from the floor. His 11 (!) blocks and 24 (!!) boards will just have to be a dirty double." Five Pound Bag, you are absolutely right. Thank you for correcting my shortsightedness.

Brian Skinner: I don't know what to make of Skinner's performance last night. On the one hand, he grabbed 9 rebounds and blocked 4 shots. On ther other, he was the only Suns player to go scoreless (0-for-3) and he committed 4 turnovers. I mean, how do you play 22 minutes in the Phoenix run-and-gun offense and not score a point? That said, I really, really hope that coach D'Antoni keeps playing this guy. Phoenix desperately needs gritty roleplayers who are willing to sacrifice their own offense, bang people around, and get their hands dirty. And Skinner's the only guy on their 12-man roster who fits that bill. But my guess is that once Grant Hill gets back, Skinner's going back into cold storage.

Derek Fisher: I cannot stress enough how important Derek Fisher has been in the Lakers' resurgence this season. Not only is he providing heaping helpings of much-needed veteran leadership, he's also scoring 12 PPG on a career-high 47 percent shooting. And he was huge in the L.A.'s previous two wins over the Suns (14 and 19 points, respectively). But last night he was very, very small: 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 3 turnovers.

Kwame Brown: Yup, I still think this guy is the worst first overall draft pick of all time, worse even than The Kandi Man. He shot 3-for-8, missed two layups and a dunk (sounds like a job for the Mikan Drill), committed 5 fouls, and had more turnovers (7) than rebounds (6). And the Staples Center crowd was booing him. Most of the time, I'm not sure the Staples Center crowd is even awake. But they were awake last night, and acutely aware of how sucktastic Brown can be. Still, the booing was pretty harsh. When even I feel sorry for a Laker, you know something is horribly wrong.

Luke Walton: He had a career season last year, signed a nice new contract with the Lakers over the summer, and now his numbers have dropped in pretty much every category. Man, I haven't heart that story before. (Another textbook case of the Contract Year Phenomenon.) Walton's downward spiral continued last night, as he scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting.

Leandro Barbosa: He shot (8-for-12) and scored (team-high 22 points) well, but his floor game was lacking. The Suns offense dries up when he's playing the point. He dribbles too much, forces up tougher-than-necessary shots, and throws the ball away (4 turnovers). D'Antoni should use him exclusively as a shooting guard. Of course, that would be easier if the Suns actually had a backup point guard...

Labels: Brian Skinner, Bruce Bowen, Damon Jones, Derek Fisher, Francisco Elson, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, Paul Millsap, Sasha Pavlovic, Tony Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Zydrunas Ilgauskas