Happy New Year everyone! I hope you like people getting hit in the nuts.

It's now open season on Pookie's huevos

The Bobcats: You got to give it to Dwyane Wade, sensing how little the viewers would care to stick around for the foregone conclusion of the Heat beating the Bobcats, he offered the audience a comedic bit that's slayed for centuries—the kick to the groin. Say what you will about the man, but that's an entertainer. The NBA was not amused and suspended Wade for a game. I guess they didn't get the fine points of Wade's nuanced wit, or perhaps David Stern was unaffected because as Pablo Neruda says, "laughter is the language of the soul", and well, you know...

Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair was at hand in Charlotte, and expressed his disappointment that Wade didn't finish Sessions off with a knife-edge chop. 

The Wizards: The logic displayed by those who coach the league's most dreadful teams must exist in some sort of parallel universe, keeping it safe from the comprehension of earthly minds. How else can you explain Randy Wittman's choice to bench the leading scorer on the league's worst team? Disciplinarians might argue that Jordan Crawford had it coming after being late to Wednesday's shoot around, yet even Wittman himself hints that shooting isn't a top priority for the perennial bottom-dweller.

We've got too many guys that worry just about shooting the basketball and not about the other parts of the game.

So...let me repeat this, just so I can make sure I've gotten it straight: Randy Wittman thinks that his players care too much about shooting the ball, so he benched the guy who shoots the ball most often, because he was late for shooting the ball. That almost makes sense. On the bright side, Crawford still played close to 27 minutes off the bench and did what he does best—shot the ball. In the process he led the team in scoring with 17 points on 15 attempts. Despite a +25 Lenovo score from Nene, the Wizards lost to Cleveland by 3 points. I'm no mathematician, but I think that means that without Nene on the court the Wizards really, really suck.

They don't call them the Magic for nothing.

The Magic: According to the box score Robin Lopez had 29 points and 3 rebounds, but I'm pretty sure it was actually his brother Brook in a curly wig. That sounds more like something he would do.  Meanwhile for the Magic, Gustavo Ayon failed to fill a rather rotund Big Baby shaped hole in the Orlando roster, compiling 4 points and 3 assists. This is the third straight loss for the Magic since Big Baby was injured, which continues to foster an uncomfortable feeling of respect within me for the NBA's answer to Chubbs from Teen Wolf. Orlando is clearly at a loss for how to score without the big lug, as the Hornets kept them they were unable to score a field goal for the game's final 6 minutes. Just imagine how terrible this team would be without Jameer Nelson's 28 points and 10 assists. On 2nd thought, you don't need to imagine, just wait a day or so.

The Grizzlies: Their bench scored a mere 19 points, which is probably a season-high; Rudy Gay missed the game for personal reasons; and Memphis let Dorrell Wright explode for 28 points on 11 attempts, while Spencer Hawes and his facial hair went Hulk Hogan on them with 20 points, 5 blocks, and 3 steals. I'm not a betting man (I'm far too broke to offer anybody a bet they might be interested in), but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that this is just the beginning for Hawes and Wright's statistical dominance.

Evan Turner: Considering they coach in different conferences, Doc Rivers should really try giving Lionel Hollins a call and asking him how to contain Evan Turner. Turner has now totaled 13 points in the 4 games he's played in his career against the Grizzlies, exemplified by Wednesday's single point in 40 minutes and 43 seconds. 

The T-Pups: Back during the Linsanity era, the one knock on Lin was that he turned the ball over a lot. Well, Linsanity made a return on Wednesday, just without all those pesky points and assists, as the Rockets' leader in all-star votes complemented his 7 turnovers with 8 points and 1 assist. However, the Rockets were playing the Timberwolves so it didn't matter, not with James Harden (over 200,000 less all-star votes than his backcourt partner) scoring 30 points, and Kevin Love missing 11 of his 14 shots. Minnesotans showed up in droves to support Kevin McHale, resulting in the third-largest crowd ever at the Target Center (at least I assume that was why, it might've just been for the opportunity to see neither team reach 90 points. People are pretty nostalgic for the 50's.)  

The immortal battle of Youth vs. Tinsley

The Jazz: Utah played Jamaal Tinsley, zero points, 21 minutes and 19 seconds...against the Warriors...who are good...at basketball. Moving on.

The Nyets: A 15 point loss to the Bucks without Deron Williams doesn't seem like the kind of game that would get Avery Johnson fired, but keep in mind the Barclay Center continues to have technical issues, and someone, Deron Williams, recently sent Nets CEO Brett Yormark some photoshopped images of Avery Johnson skulking around the maintenance room with a screwdriver. Yormark clearly took those pictures to heart, tweeting:

Nets fans deserved better today. The entire organization needs to work harder to find the solution. We will get there.

And by, "the solution", Yormark apparently meant P.J. Carlesimo.

The Raptors: After winning 5 straight games, the Toronto Raptors ran smack into the bitter face of reality, also known as the San Antonio Spurs. Not playing Andrea Bargnani can get a team pretty far in this world, but eventually most teams have to grow up and face the fact that they're not in the same arena as the Spurs, figuratively. Unfortunately for the Raptors, they were in the same arena as the Spurs literally, and the result was a 20 point ass-whooping.

The Raptors didn't have a single starter reach double-digits, while the Spurs had three. This resulted in a 55-27 discrepancy between the two teams' starters, or as the AP called it, a 54-25 discrepancy. Seriously AP, it's simple addition, and you got both numbers wrong. If anybody had bothered to check either number, instead of just drunkenly eyeballing the figures, this would've been clear. People are still getting paid for this stuff, right?   

The Suns, fortune's foil: The Suns should've never killed J.R. Smith's family in front of him when he was a small boy. It looked like Phoenix was about to snap their most recent losing streak, when J.R. finally got his revenge, first tying the game, and then hitting a shot at the buzzer to seal it.


See what happens when it's not Christmas, and Kidd's inbounds pass actually lands inbounds? J.R.'s twin jumpers essentially doomed a career night from Jared Dudley to futility. The politically correct forward scored a career-high 36 points, prompting speculation that he's getting good enough to consider playing basketball professionally. 

The Sacramento Kings-well, mostly Keith Smart: It's not often that you can say a coach should thank his lucky stars that he doesn't play somewhere where the ownership gives a fuck, but that's exactly the situation currently facing the ironically named Coach Smart. I don't know what DeMarcus Cousins said to him in the locker room, but it's hard to imagine that it's worth the team losing its leading scorer and rebounder for two games. Although, truth be told, all that it resulted in was a win and a loss to the Blazers.

Still, Smart was basically brought in because he seemed to get along with Cousins, if he can't do that, or consistently win, you've got to wonder what he's basing his feelings of job security on—that is, beyond mismanagement and general apathy. I recognize that some sort of disciplinary action might've been justified, but that's what fines and laps around the gym are for; there's no need to take it out on the handful of fans who are struggling to maintain interest in this franchise—or, more importantly, the tens of thousands of fantasy owners who could've drafted Kenneth Faried instead.

The Lakers: Speaking about the Manimal, people who failed to draft this undying source of offensive rebounds aren't the only ones who've had enough of his sass. This was made clear with 5 minutes left in the third, when Pumaman's hand had a message it just couldn't wait any longer to tell Faried's face. Dwight denied any malicious intent saying, "I like the young fellow"—not the young fella mind you, because apparently the AP thinks that Dwight Howard is British. He also elaborated that Faried was the finest ol' chap he knew, and hopefully they'd get together soon to play some croquet and enjoy some crumpets. I'd show some footage of the flagrant 2 that got Howard ejected, but we've all seen it by now. Plus, I have another clip that exemplifies the game more precisely.


Corey Brewer matched a career-high with 27 points and made 4 of his 6 threes in the final period. Luckily for his face, Howard was in the locker room by then.

Lacktion:

Magic-Hornets: Andrew Nicholson was underutilized by the Magic for a 2 trillion.

Bucks-Nets: Tornike Shengelia picked up the slack with Josh Childress registering a DNP-CD, resulting in somebody on the Nets getting a trillion. Doron Lamb and John Henson did the same for the Bucks.

Warriors-Jazz: Speaking about picking up the lacktion slack, with both Jeremy Tyler and Ken Bazemore putting up useful stats, the eyes of the Golden State Warrior faithful turned to Richard Jefferson who didn't disappoint with a highly disappointing +1 suck differential in 3 minutes and 6 seconds.

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Evan Turner, Jamaal Tinsley, Keith Smart, Linsanity, Randy Wittman, The Bobcats, The Lakers, The Magic, The Nets, The Wizards

Webster gets Harkless in the dreaded finger lock

The Wiz: It doesn't even feel right to call them the Generals anymore, seeing that the Generals win every once in a while. Things have gotten so bad for the Wizards that politicians in Washington are drafting legislation to destroy all pop-cultural staples using the phrase, "nobody beats the Wiz", because as we all know, everybody beats the Wiz. This time it was the Orlando Magic, but next time who knows, maybe a local chapter order of Elks, maybe your grandmother and her bridge cronies—who can really say? About the only good news for the Whiz at this point is that the Bobcats have lost 13 in a row, replacing their formerly worst in the NBA losing streak of 12.

Receding brass rings: The win for Magic brought them within 1 game of .500. Then with 47.8 seconds left Big Baby landed on his shoulder, and just like that Orlando will be missing their leading scorer for 4-6 weeks. Something tells me that they're not going to reach that .500 mark, and that something is hindsight since I'm writing this on Monday.

The Pistons: Greg Monroe penned his doctrine with a career-high 35 points and 10 rebounds, but it wasn't enough to get a win north of the border. The Raptors continued to flourish in the absence of Andrea Bargnani and Kyle Lowry. Ed Davis and Jose Calderon may not be stars, but they've been effective by using this radical new notion called efficiency. Davis demonstrated the principle by only missing 2 shots, while Calderon only committed 2 turnovers to go along with his 17 assists. Lawrence Frank described the 31 Spaniard as having moxie. I'm not quite sure what the official soft drink of Maine has to do with anything, but if that's what it takes then more teams should forget about this Gatorade crap and distribute beverages that were developed over a century ago.

Atlanta's property laws: After a sequence where he blocked Josh Smith and ended up with a dunk, Kevin Durant proudly announced that Philips Arena was his fucking house. I wasn't aware that deeds could be transferred so easily in the state of Georgia, but after looking at the rest of his box-score, 41 points and 13 rebounds, I'm inclined to agree. Russell Westbrook used his 27 points and 11 assists to make the argument that the teammates should work out some sort of time share. The rest of the OKC starters, 15 combined points, seemed content to crash on the couch.

Rondo is chased by bandits

Cleveland:  Now that wearing a mask as a Cavalier has become too mainstream, Tyler Zeller has ditched his, depriving us of an opportunity to see a starting line up of three masked men. Zeller got his first NBA start because Varejao sat out with a bruised knee.

Paul Pierce proved that dropping 40 points with monstrous efficiency isn't just a young man's game, becoming the oldest Celtic to ever accomplish the feat in regulation (Larry Legend had 49 points in a double overtime game at a more advanced age). His response afterwards was typical Wheezy, "Oh yeah? Oh, wow". Not the world's most eloquent appraisal, but then again it's hard to find words to compare with 40 points on 16 attempts with one turnover. Pierce was at his best in the 4th, making all 7 of his shots.

The 76ers: Philadelphia made the radical move of starting both Maalik Wayns and Kwame Brown, and the result was a size 22 shoe up their ass. This beat down was delivered courtesy of the Houston Rockets, but as the 4 previous teams to play them could also attest, you don't actually need to be that good to beat the Sixers without Jrue Holiday. As soon as the wunderkind guard went down they started losing, and something tells me (hindsight) that they won't get a win til his return.

Peanut butter on ice

All that Jazz: Big Al is probably going to be having Roy Hibbert shaped nightmares after going 1-8 for 4 points against him. Gerald Green leapt right over his recent mediocrity on his way to 21 points, clearing all of Utah's top scorers in the process. Gordon Hayward may have played less than 13 minutes, but that didn't stop him from turning the ball over 5 times. The Jazz lost the first quarter by 8 points, and then proceeded to only score 8 points in the 2nd, pretty much ending the game right there and paving the way for a 20 point defeat.

The Bucks: Monta may have been hampered with injuries and guarded by Tony Allen, but that's not going to keep him out of a WotN after shooting 1 for 14 from the floor. Monta missed his first 13 shots from the floor, while Jennings missed his first 8 attempts. Considering that BJ and Marquis Daniels were the Bucks only double figure scorers, it's no small wonder that they lost; what's far more confusing is that they only lost by 10 points.

I'm not retiring the Broped nickname or anything, but this game inspired me to come up with a new nickname for the world's least efficient backcourt based on their initials. Blow-Me missed 30 shots and combined for a 4:7 assist to turnover ratio. As previously stated, I really don't understand how they only lost this game by 10 points. An interesting revelation was brought forth in BJ's comments after the loss.

He's our scorer, so he's the most important player on this team for us. I know he's angry right now, but with great scorers like that you shouldn't be too worried because they always come back strong.

I was surprised to see this admission of inferiority from such a competitive and self-promoting player, although I guess his metric for measuring greatness, shoots a lot, makes sense for a volume scoring guard. Based on this new nickname, BJ does have a point. After all, the act of blowing is key, but without something to blow it's just a lot of empty head bobbing and lip puckering at the air.

Jason Williams: White Chocolate may not have played a game in the NBA for a couple years, but he still gets a WotN for not having bounced the ball off his elbow a few times in a Griz uniform, thus preventing Mike Conley from surpassing him as the franchise's all time assist leader on Wednesday. Kidding aside, I should probably be giving this WotN to the Grizzly franchise instead of Jason Williams (who only played 4 years for them). It's not often you can set an important record for a franchise and maintain it for nearly a decade despite having played less than 300 games for them.

This is not the sight fans of the Warriors want to see

The Warriors: Tom Gola is gonna be pissed. Not only did the Warriors let the Kings score 131 points, but they let their former East Coast rival tie the historic record between the two teams at 184-184. Mark Jackson wasn't too happy about it either.

I'm very disappointed in how we allow a team to score 131 points without their best player

I'm assuming that he's talking about Tyreke Evans. That didn't sit too well with DeMarcus Cousins, who heard what the coach had said to the press, and tracked him down after the game so he could threaten to kick his ass. Jimmer and the Zeke-child must have felt disrespect in the air, judging by their combining for 26 points with neither of them cracking 20 minutes. (I feel the need to point out that line about Cousins was a joke, since at this point it's so hard to tell.)

Donald Sterling-lame ass: There aren't too many figures in the NBA who can make David Stern look good, but Donald Sterling is definitely one of them. The racist, whoremongering slumlord is essentially the last remaining obstacle between the Clippers and likability at the point. Which is probably why he's taking the team's ability to win despite him as an opportunity to ooze his way into the locker room and create awkward scenes.

After the Clips tied their '75 Buffalo incarnation with a franchise-best 11 game winning streak, they were rewarded with the disturbing sight of the Paste Man, who forced Vinny Del Negro to hug him (obviously unaware of his last name) and then led the team in a chorus of hip, hip hooray (because we all know how cool that is). On the upside, he didn't try to bring any women into the showers to stare at his players' "beautiful black bodies" or attempt to inspect anybody's teeth.

Fun Stat: This was a wonderful night for the Clippers, if we can just all ignore their repugnant owner, and fittingly CP3 took the opportunity to notch his 5,000th career assist, becoming the 3rd youngest player to reach the milestone after Magic and Zeke. 



The Hornets: The visitors were pretty much a footnote to the record setting and the winning streak, but they did provide the proper contrast to the Clippers success with their 9th straight loss. Starting guard Austin Rivers matched his 3 point output with 3 turnovers.

The Bobcats: Back in November when they were winning games, the Bobcats success was mostly built on the shoulders of Kemba Walker and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Both players shot a matching 9-14 against the Suns and had impressive all around games. However, this is December so all it resulted in was a 13th straight loss. The Guru of Wins, Jared Dudley, scored 20 points for the first time in his career, and Dragic had 21 points to go along with his 11 assists. 

I don't know what to say about these Cats anymore. If nothing else, maybe they can look around the league and find solace in the recent success of the Grizzlies and the Clippers. Before the Cats joined the league these two franchises had the worst historic records of any current team. It sounds ludicrous, but one day the Bobcats might be enjoying a lengthy streak in the opposite direction. That is unless Jordan gets his hands on some sort of nuclear device and just decides to wipe the franchise off the face of the earth.

Lacktion:

Knicks-Nets: MarShon Brooks stared angrily at Joe Johnson for 124 seconds of statlessness. Mirza Teletovic turned the ball over for a +1 suck differential in the same time frame, joining the opposition's James White in his rank of suckitude.

Celtics-Cavs: Jason Collins was inserted into the starting lineup for the Celtics so KG wouldn't have to play the 5 all night. What resulted was a 6:3 Voskuhl in 23 minutes and 16 seconds for Jason Collins. Leandro Barbosa raced his way to a +1 suck differential in 3:18 flat. 

Labels: Donald Sterling is an asshole, Kevin Durant, Kwame Brown, Paul Pierce, The Bobcats, The Broped, The Cavaliers, The Jazz, The Wizards