Courtesy of AnacondaHL:

ESPN's Marvel and NBA 2010-11 Team Crossover Covers

Pow! Bam! Biff! Zok!

For comic book fans like me, this feature is like giving your brain a delicious cookie covered in chocolate chips and Scarlett Johanssons. I loved it. Sure, there was some (presumably) unintentional comedy, like the (very appropriate) "Pistons: Destination Doom" cover or the "Grizzlies: On The Prowl" cover where a front-and-center Rudy Gay is cheering on a particularly gay looking Captain America.

Oh, I also liked the Bulls cover with Carlos Boozer as the Red Hulk. Uh, the Red Hulk jumped into outer space and beat the crap out of Thor with his own hammer. Boozer broke his hand in three places tripping over a bag. I'm just sayin'.

On the other hand, some of the covers were just plain mean. For instance, the covers for the Hornets and Nuggets focused on Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony leaving their respective teams. I get that. I do. I mean, the imminent and seemingly unavoidable prospect of losing their superstar is a team's most cogent storyline, right? But it's still kind of a bitch slap to the guys who are, you know, sticking with the team and trying to win games and stuff.

That said, the biggest kick to the crotch was reserved for fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers. A few short months after suffering what may have been the most painful heel turn in the history of professional sports -- I mean, seriously, their superhero broke up with them on a live television show specifically dedicated to him breaking up with them -- now Cavs fans have to deal with this?


If you don't know your classic comic book covers, this is riffing the iconic "Spider-Man No More!" cover, which is famous enough to have its own Wikipedia page.

Sure, it's reasonably accurate. LeBron walked away, probably after stuffing his jersey into the nearest trash can, and so the team is pretty unamazing now.

But man, throw these people a bone, ESPN!

Personally, what I would have liked to see was an extended scene from The Amazing Spider-Man #33, where Spidey is (seemingly) hopelessly trapped under a giant machine, but then he gets really pumped and pushes the damn thing off him.

That's what I want to happen for the Cavs and Clevelanders everywhere: Them pushing the giant, crushing, lethal weight of LeBron's departure off their backs and delivering an antidote to Aunt May in the nick of time before she dies of radiation poisoning. Or something.

It's probably not gonna happen...but it would be a nice story.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, gratuitous comic book references, Lebron James

I can't stop staring...
Chris "Birdman" Andersen continues to amaze. Behold the latest alterations to his ever-growing collections of tattoos. When passing along the link, RT said "Looks like the Birdman wanted to pry the "League Award for Worst Tattoo in the above-shoulder category" away from Necklips." That's certainly possible. However, I have another theory.

The tattoo ink that now covers 97.543% of Birdman's body is actually the well-disguised form of a sentient alien being that has slowly poisoned his central nervous system and become one with his mind, kind of like a slightly less evil Venom. It is gradually turning Birdman into its slave, but it also has a great sense of ironic humor, as displayed in the "FREE BIRD" tattoo. Birdman merely thinks he is free. However, once the tattoo spreads and completely covers his whole damn head and face... I shudder to think what a completely tattoo-controlled Birdman Andersen is capable of. (Hint: it involves mediocre basketball)

As further proof of my revelation that Birdman's tattoos are Venom's little brother, consider this note from that Wikipedia entry: "The Symbiote, even without a host, has shown shapeshifting abilities like forming spikes and expanding its size." We finally have an explanation for Birdman's crazy ass spiky mohawk! It's all coming together!

RT also added: "Maybe in NBA 2K12 he'll just be a rainbow-colored polygon stuffed in an NBA jersey." Since the 2K series is so concerned with being realistic in every way... yes. This is exactly what will happen.

Labels: Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, gratuitous comic book references, tattoos

By now, you've probably heard all about Zach Randolph's latest bastardization of basketball. (For further reading, go to ClipperBlog or see Bill Simmons' A dumbfounding night in the 'Dumbleavy Era'.) It boggles the mind and bends the imagination. So what's the deal? Is Randolph selfish, stupid, or just a hopelessly overconfident SWAC?

Or...could it be that we're looking at this whole situation the wrong way? Maybe Z-Bo perceives the world in a way we can't comprehend. Perhaps Zach got caught in an Intrinsic Field Subtractor -- ala Dr. Manhatten from The Watchmen -- and became a kind of a quantum NBA player, and his corresponding inability to perceive time in a linear fashion has caused him to grow increasingly distant from his team, the league and humanity in general. And that kind of cold and remorseless indifference would certainly explain his bizarre shot selection...

Labels: bizarre shot selection, gratuitous comic book references, Mike Dunleavy Sr., The Watchmen, Zach Randolph

This is probably an important signal to know, assuming that you're going to watch tonight's Lakers-Jazz game. After all, as everybody and his or her third cousin has been pointing out lately, Utah commits more fouls than any other team in the league. The best analogy for how the Jazz play defense would be E. Honda's "Hyaku Retsu Harite!" move* from Street Fighter II.

The handchecking signal is pretty easy to recognize. It's just the universal "Talk To The Hand" gesture. Alternately, the referee could simply pretend that he's firing a repulsor ray out of his hand, ala Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man. Screaming something like "Avengers assemble!" is entirely optional.


*Hyaku Retsu Harite means "Hundred Hand Slap." Shame on you for not knowing your obscure Asian video game translations. All your base are now belong to me.

Labels: gratuitous comic book references, Know your signals, Utah Jazz