OK, so we all know the refs got it wrong at the end of the Spurs / Lakers game 4. And sadly, we all know the refs usually get it wrong. Let's be honest, even the refs know they're getting it wrong, but...

...whose fault is it? The refs are now regularly doing whatever it takes to keep the scrutiny off themselves. It is human nature to do so, and I don't have any particular faith in NBA refs to behave otherwise. For years, refs have put the whistle away for the final 5 seconds or so of any big game, because there is a notion that the "players should decide it."...in Thunderdome, apparently.

Unfortunately, the way the NBA is set up, either the refs are forced to decide the game either way (by awarding a player "gimmie" free throws or completely ignoring a mug job like they did). Almost universally, refs have decided to go the "ignore the foul" route, because this method has become an accepted - even anticipated - part of the game (just listen to the resigned post-game comments of Popovich and Barry - they know how this works).

You think the foul would have been called if Brent had gone straight up and forced harder contact? I don't. I think Fisher would have had to sucker-punch Barry at the end of that game to for a foul to be called, and I think Fisher - wiley veteran that he is - knew that too.

The Solution?
How about this. If a player is fouled in the final, let's say, 5 seconds of a game, the remaining time goes back up on the clock and instead of free throws, the offense can re-run the play (How many times could a team be fouled? Indefinitely - why? There's no incentive to keep allowing a team more chances at a game winning shot. And after each foul, the offense automatically gets 20 seconds to draw up a new play.) This shifts the advantage to the offense, but it would help ensure far fewer last last-second no calls, far fewer last-second fouls that everyone knows aren't going to get called, and would likely result in a lot more last-second game winning shots...sound exciting, Mr. Stern?)

This idea may not be perfect, but I think it has merit. If this change is made, the refs would no longer have to worry about "being responsible" for game-deciding free throws. Would it be sad to have to institute such a policy because referees don't have the intestinal fortitude to call games well? Yes, but it's a way to eliminate at least a little of the very flawed human nature out of NBA refereeing.

- Evil Ted

Labels: fouls, NBA, referees, rule change

"AAAARRRRGGHH!! Got one."

If the NBA has taught us anything, it's that basketball players don't commit fouls. Oh sure, fouls get called all the time -- at a rate of about 22 per game last season -- but nobody ever actually commits one. All body contact is totally legal and that slapping sound was all ball. Tim Duncan's goggly-eyed stare has become the defacto symbol of a world in which fouls are like Easter Bunnies and zombie movies that aren't awesome: They don't exist.

Well, monkey see, monkey freakin' do. Pickup ballers emulate their NBA counterparts by expressing indignant disbelief whenever a foul is called on them. Winning an argument over a foul is like lawyering in a high-profile murder case: You have to convince everybody, beyond a shadow of doubt, that your defender is guilty.

The Basics

1. Make a pained facial expression: Star Trek's Mr. Spock has always been one of my favorite sci-fi characters. The cool thing about Spock was that he was completely unfazed by human emotion. You could tell him that you anally violated his pet Tribble, and he'd just raise an eyebrow and say, "Fascinating." But despite the cool haircut, pointy ears, and greater-than-human strength and endurance, Spock never got laid. This is partly because Captain Kirk was banging everything that wasn't tied down or on fire. But mostly it's because it's impossible to trust someone who doesn't emote with their face. Let me put it this way: Do you trust zombies? Killer robots from the future? Dick Cheney? Of course you don't. But it isn't because they want to feast on living brains and conquer your feeble human world. It's because their facial expressions never change. And that's just creepy.

2. Grunt and/or cry out: When Bruce Willis takes a bullet in the face, he doesn't scream. He doesn't even wince. Instead, he dramatically sticks his foot through the bad guy while rasping out something totally rad, like "Yippee ki yay, [demeaning expletive of choice]!" But here's the thing: You aren't Bruce Willis. What's more, everybody knows you're not Bruce Willis. So nobody's going to believe that you got fouled if you endure it in grim silence. You don't need to go all William Shatner -- "Oh...my god...I've been...fouled!!" -- but you'd better bring a little noise.

3. Call the foul: This is absolutely essential. In most cases, it won't matter how obvious the foul is; if you don’t call it, it didn’t happen. Period. Your head could explode in a grisly shower of blood and brain chunks, and the other team will just boogy downcourt while what's left of your body is twitching on the floor. Call it out loud and clear, immediately after the fact. If the ball makes it to half court, your chance may be lost.

Update!!

4. Glare: Never underestimate the power of a hateful glare. Look at your defender like you just found out he slept with your sister and your girlfriend. At the same time. The glowering hatred oozing out of your pores will convince most of the other players that something truly unforgivable has been done to you.

5. Warm them up: If you miss a couple shots or get bumped off some rebounds, mumble under your breath about how you got fouled but you're letting it go. That way, when you finally do call the foul, everyone will be expecting it.

Advanced Tactics

1. Get mad: Showing frustrations doesn't work, and being merely irritated just won't cut it. You have to get full-on "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!" mad. It helps if you're big and scary to begin with. If not, you might have to do something more elaborate. You'll need the following supplies: Green contacts, some old clothes, a body builder, and a bucket of green body paint. Before you go to your pickup league, paint the body builder green and dress him in torn purple trousers. Have him stand outside the gym door. The first time you get fouled, bend over and shove in the green contacts. Spin around with your eyes wide open and start groaning. Stumble out the door while yelling, "No! Nooooo! I'm changing again!!" Once out of sight, start ripping your old clothes while making a "nreeeeeeeeeerrrrr" sound. Have the body builder growl menacingly, then storm in and start rampaging around. It would be best if he knocks over something big and throws at least one person (preferably the guy who committed the foul) across the gym. Then he should flex at everybody and run down a deserted alleyway (although you should be gone by then). I personally guarantee that nobody in your league will mess with you ever again.

2. Curse...early and often: The well-timed swear word can be indispensable during a foul pitch. Just make sure you sound thoroughly disgusted as you say it. Visualization is key. Pretend somebody just dumped a bucket of writhing insects down your shorts, or that you found a human finger in your Big Mac. You should also use curse words selectively. "Damn" should be used to indicate you would have hit the shot had you not been fouled. "Shit" denotes a generic sense of disgust regarding your defenders cheap tactics. "Fuck" is a sign of growing rage at your continued mistreatment. "Goddamn it" will let everybody know that you're mad as hell and you aren't going to take it anymore.

3. Drop, flop, and roll: Most of the time, a foul that doesn't result in major bloodshed or the loss of a significant appendage is considered ticky-tac, and will result in a notable loss of manhood. You might as well tell everybody you're wearing a pink lace thong under your hoopty shorts. It'll help if you took a Theater 101 course in college, and thus understand the basic tenets of method acting. However, watching some old pro wrestling DVDs will teach you everything you need to know (I suggest The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection). When possible, try to wheel your arms around and then hit the ground with a loud, solid thunk. The crazier your fall and the harder you hit, the easier it will be to believe you just got thugged. You'll probably have to limp or shuffle around for a little while afterward, otherwise people will totally know you were faking.

4. Fake a serious injury: There’s no better way to get somebody off your back than to drop to the ground, grab the body part of choice, and scream out something like, "Noooooo, my ankle!" I've found joints are the best "serious injury" body parts, particularly the knee and ankle, since that could be a "career-ending" injury. Screw up your face, moan like a little girl, and writhe as much as possible. However, you cannnot recover quickly from this one. Limping up and down the court won't cut it. You'll need to leave the court and maybe sit on the sidelines for a while. If you hammed it up too much, you might even have to leave for the night. But trust me, your effort will not have been in vain. Your team will be given the ball back, no questions asked.

Labels: fouls, pickup basketball

Prior to the current season, NBA commissioner David Stern instituted the so-called "Rasheed Wallace Rule," a zero-tolerance policy that (kinda sorta) prohibits post-whistle bitching and moaning. Unfortunately, pickup leagues don't have commissioners or referees, and therefore we can't get anti-complaint legislation passed, let alone enforced. But man oh man, I wish we could.

Here's the thing: Pickup basketball works on the honor system. You're expected to call your own fouls in a just and reasonable manner, and the other players are then obliged to respect the call. But if that ever actually happens in your league, please, by all means, let me know...because I'll personally call the Guiness Book of World Records people for you.

See, most pickup players have been balling for 10, 15, even 20 or more years. During that time, they have evolved into sophisticated basketball machines; a vast supply of experience combined with their athletic prowess and laser-like reflexes make them incapable of committing a foul. Or so they think.

So when you do call a foul against someone, that person naturally gets bent the hell out of shape. It's like you just accused your mom of never hugging you as a child, or told your girlfriend she looks fat in, well, everything she owns. Eyes bulge. Arms flail. Curses are shouted toward the unforgiving heavens. What follows is what I like to call The Three Four Stages of Foul Dispute.

Stage 1 - Denial: As soon as the foul has been called -- and sometimes before the words can even leave your mouth -- the opposing player immediately contradicts you. They don't even take the time to analyze what you said, because they know in their heart that they never, ever, under any number of crazy circumstances, could have committed a foul. In the immortal words of Dr. Cox: "Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; nyet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff -- NOOOOOOOoooooooo!"

Example 1a: Last night, Partial Hand Guy set a pick on me. I tried to run around the pick, but as I was doing so he stuck out his exceptionally large ass. Once his ass caught me, he began scooting backward with as much force as he could, in effect bulldozing me backwards with his butt cheeks. The man I was defending, now wide open, shot and hit a three-pointer. On my way back upcourt, I said, "You can't set moving picks. Watch it." Mind you, I didn't call a foul. I was just giving a slightly less-than-friendly reminder that moving picks are, in fact, illegal. Instead of admitting his transgression and (reluctantly) agreeing not to set any more moving picks, or even just quietly accepting what I had to say, he naturally freaked out. "What?! No I didn't! Come on now, that was a clean pick!"

Example 2a: Later, while I was bringing the ball upcourt, Spaz Guy -- who loves to apply full-court pressure -- charged at me with wildly swinging arms. His hand caught me hard across the wrist and the ball popped out of my hands. Never, at any point, did he get so much as a fingernail on the ball. "Got it," I said. His reply? "Wha...what?! Are you kidding me?! Is everything a foul?!"

Stage 2 - Obfuscation: For some reason, many people feel that getting called out or accused of committing a foul is the worst possible embarrassment, worse even than those guys who get caught on Dateline's To Catch A Predator series. So after first making a strong-worded denial, the next step is to embarrass their opponent right back. This means making a sort of reverse accusation, which more often than not has nothing whatsoever to do with the call that was made. The person who committed the foul tries to take a moral stand, accusing the person who called the foul of some previous wrongdoing, either real or imagined, that was worse, wasn't called (out of "mercy"), or both.

Example 1b: Once Partial Hand Guy realized that I wasn't going to accept his denial of the illegal pick, he made a seamless transition from defense to offense. "Oh yeah? Well you travel every single time you touch the ball...I could call that every time!"

Example 2b: As he was stomping his way toward the other end of the court, Spaz Guy felt the need to point out that "You double-dribbled just a couple minutes ago, and I didn't call that! Jesus!"

Stage 3 - Justification: By denying the foul and then pointing a finger at you, the defender has given himself the time necessary to catch his breath and think up a really good explanation of why, exactly, the foul was not really a foul. The hope, of course, is that everyone is so fatigued and confused, nobody will be able to remember exactly what happened, assuming they even saw it in the first place. And at that point, it's your word against his...a veritable no-win situation.

Example 1c: After a heated debate on whether or not I actually manage to travel on every possession, Partial Hand Guy finally got around to pointing out that he wasn't moving on the pick. He was rolling. "I can roll to the basket after I set a pick. That's perfectly legal." Forget the fact that he had his head down, his hands at his sides, and he wasn't even moving toward the basket. It was really a pick-and-roll, and not a pick-and-push-me-the-hell-out-of-the-way. Suuuuuure.

Example 2c: Once Spaz Guy had finished recounting the exact nature of my supposed double-dribble, complete with pantomime and a running commentary, he returned to what presumably was the original point. "And anyway, I didn't hit your arm. I got all ball, and after I stole it your arm came up and hit me in the face." It was, at best, a rewriting of history and, at worst, a ridiculous lie. But it sounded plausible enough to him. He wasn't getting the ball back -- no one ever does, just like in the NBA -- but he now felt absolved of any wrongdoing. And in the end, that's really what it's all about.

Edit: Many thanks to reader JamieK for pointing out the forgotten fourth stage of dispute...

Stage 4 - Threats of Retribution: This is where the person who committed the foul promises to start making every conceivable call against you and your team. "Oh, I see how it is. I'm gonna start calling everything too." Sometimes this is merely a bluff, a classic case of someone blowing off steam. But, more often than not, there will be at least one or two ticky-tack makeup calls immediately thereafter. And usually they're of the exceedingly petty variety. Hand checking? Yup. Three second violation? Of course. Palming? You know it. Fortunately, these are the kinds of calls that can turn a person's own team against him, and once his teammates start groaning and snarking at him, things usually return to normal.

Until the next foul.

Labels: fouls, pickup basketball, Rasheed Wallace Rule