It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).

Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.

Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.

E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.

This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.

One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)

Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."


The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp

This classic television commercial for the Converse "Weapon" had a little bit of everything that made the 80s so great: A shoe named after something deadly, famous athletes trying to dance and rap, and Larry Bird's majestic feathered mullet.


Worst shoe:Magic Johnson's yellow and purple abomination. People in the 80s were not ready for something so hideous.

Best performer: Bernard King was the only guy in the commercial that had a semblance of rhythm and didn't sound like he was rapping straight off a cue card.

Most questionable appearance: Every player in this group at one time or another placed in the top 4 in MVP voting...except Mark Aguirre.

Best moment: When Kevin McHale sets his shoe on Isiah Thomas' head. Note the utter disdain in McHale's withering glance.

Best line: Larry's "You already know what they did for me...I walked away with the MVP," delivered in that odd drawl that only Bird could pull off. Note his rather strange pronunciation of MVP.

Labels: Bernard King, fake Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Mark Aguirre, NBA, shoe commercials

In 1984, Bird and the Celtics were the firstvictims of Stern's dark machinations.

As I noted in The Stern Button post, officiating controversies and conspiracy theories have dogged David Stern for the last several years. Looking back, I couldn't help but wonder when it all began. Was it the Dwyane Wade Freethrow-A-Thon in the 2006 NBA Finals? Was it when the Kings got jobbed in Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals? Was it when the Jazz got hosed in Game 6 of the 1998 NBA Finals? Was it when the Suns got 64 freethrows in Game 7 of the 1993 Western Conference Finals? Or was it the entire second half of Michael Jordan's career? Surprisingly enough, it was none of those. Turns out, the conspiracy theories started in Year 1 of the Stern Regime.

Stern was named Commissioner of the NBA on February 1, 1984. He took the helm of a league beset by fan disinterest, financial problems, and drug scandals, yet he righted the ship almost instantly. Of course, Stern had a little help from fate and circumstance. First, the 1984 NBA Finals featured a classic seven-game showdown between Larry Bird's Boston Celtics and Magic Johnson's Los Angeles Lakers. Then, over the next couple seasons, a new crop of soon-to-be superstars entered the league: Charles Barkley, Hakeem Olajuwon, John Stockton, Karl Malone, Michael Jordan, and Patrick Ewing to name a few. Further sweetening the pot was the fact that the Celtics and Lakers met in the Finals again in '85 and '87. By the time Jordan's popularity took off in the late '80s, the league was suddenly speeding headlong toward globalization.

It sure seems like Stern was the beneficiary of being in the right place at the right time. Or was he? In retrospect, the good times clearly started with the '84 Finals, which was the ignition point of the Bird/Magic Era. I was recently rewatching Game 7 of that series -- one of the best championship matchups of all time, by the way -- and I was surprised to hear Tommy Heinsohn say, "By challenging the commissioner, I think [Bird] was trying to get the refs on his side." Dick Stockton followed that cryptic statement with the following explanation: "You heard Commissioner Stern...hearsay that someone heard David Stern say that the league wanted a seven-game series, and of course Larry Bird went to town with it." [You can listen to it here; the comments start around the 2:35 mark.]

Eh? I was intrigued. Unfortunately, a simple Google search failed me, so I started poking around The Boston Globe's online archives*. On June 11, 1984, the Globe ran an article written by Dan Shaughnessy called Bird: NBA Wanted 7. After the Celtics lost Game 6, Larry Legend was pissed, but not at the Lakers or his teammates. He was steamed at the Commish.

"Stern told a fan that the NBA needed a seven-game series, that the league needed the money. When the commissioner makes a statement like that to a fan, you know it's going to be tough. When Stern makes a statement like that, things are going to happen. You just don't make statements like that and not expect anything out of it. He's the commissioner and he shouldn't be saying anything like that. The NBA wanted a seventh game because they wanted to make more money and they got their wish. There is no reason for me to lie. He said it. He's a man and he'll live up to it. He may say he said it in jest. But I'm out there trying to make a living and win a championship."

Those were some pretty strong words from Bird**. Was there any validity to the claim? It's hard to say, since Game 6 is the only game of that series I haven't seen. But I can tell you this: The Celtics were in control for most of the game, leading by four after one quarter, by six at halftime, and by 11 with 3:59 left in the third quarter. But then things turned around in a hurry, as the Lakers outscored the Celtics 46-24 the rest of the way, enjoying a 35-17 advantage*** at the line and winning 119-108 despite Bird's 28/14/8. [This information comes from the Boston Celtics 1984 Championship Official Souvenir Book.]

On June 12, 1984, the Globe ran another Shaughnessy article called Riley: Script Is Written For Lakers' Victory. It's mostly a bunch of hippe talk**** from Pat Riley, but it does give a brief follow-up to Bird's anti-Stern comments.

According to Shaughnessy: "NBA commissioner David Stern chose not to issue any statement in response to Larry Bird's charge Sunday that Stern wanted a seventh game because the league needed the money. Stern's office said the commissioner was 'unreachable,' and no one there knew his exact whereabouts. However, NBA spokesman Brian McIntyre spoke with Stern. 'David said Bird's comment is ridiculous. Like every fan in America, he has been looking forward to a seventh game. It's a dream matchup, and everybody has wanted to see a seven-game series since Day 1.'"

It's interesting that Stern chose not to confront Bird's comments head on (and what's up with the "no one knows his exact whereabouts" stuff...what, was he on Air Force 1?). It's even more interesting that he didn't fine Bird or the Celtics; these days, those comments would be worth 100K or more in fines. It wasn't at all surprising, however, that Stern dismissed Bird's claims as "ridiculous," since that's his buzz word of choice whenever any kind of criticism is leveled against him.

Was there a conspiracy? Did Stern have a little chat with the refs before Game 6 about the league's need for a seventh game? We'll never know for sure. But it is, nonetheless, a fascinating piece of historical trivia that Stern never had even a single year as NBA Commissioner without at least one officiating controversy.

* The Boston Globe charges $2.95 per archived article. That seems a little steep to me.

** Of course, this is the same guy who called his own teammates "a bunch of sissies" after the Celtics got blown out in Game 3. Then, when asked if his team had played any better in their Game 4 comeback victory, Bird said, "Yeah, we just played like a bunch of women tonight." Yikes.

*** Did the C's get a few makeup calls in Game 7? Maybe, maybe not. But they had a 51-28 freethrow advantage in that final game.

**** Going into Game 7, Riley guaranteed the Lakers would win. "It's destiny. I believe in the Fates, and I think it's our time. I think the script is written for us to win." This is the kind of motivational crap that Riley's famous (and infamous) for. It sounds brilliant when he's right, and idiotic when he's wrong. In this case, it was the latter for Riley, since the Lakers lost the game 111-102.

Labels: Boston Celtics, conspiracy theories, David Stern, fake Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Tommy Heinsohn

10. Patrick Ewing: Thanks to Michael Jordan's first retirement, the New York Knicks finally managed to make it to the NBA Finals in the summer of 1994. Unfortunately for Ewing, he had to face Hakeem Olajuwon, who had just been named league MVP (Ewing was fifth in MVP voting that season). Ewing's scoring and field goal percentage dropped dramatically (25 PPG to 19, and 50 percent shooting to a dismal 36). What's more, Olajuwon was lighting him up (27 PPG on 50 percent shooting). The Knicks lost a very close series, and Ewing's below-average performance was a big reason why, although not the biggest (see below).

9. Nick Anderson: In 1994-95, Anderson shot 70 percent from the foul line. But that didn't keep him from missing four straight freethrows at the end of Game 1 of the 1995 Finals. Those misses ended up costing his team the game. According to his Wikipedia bio, this event caused him to develop a "psychological disorder" regarding freethrows (indeed, his percentage eventually dropped to 40 percent).

8. Kobe Bryant: The Lakers won the 2000 Finals, but not because of Kobe Bryant. He averaged only 15 PPG on 36 percent shooting. He scored two points in Game 2 and eight points in Game 5. His defense on Reggie Miller was just as bad: Miller averaged 25 PPG on 48 percent shooting (both above his season averages).

7. Chauncy Billups: He's "Mr. Big Shot" huh? Then how do you explain his 3-for-8 (including 0-for-3 from three-point range) stinkbomb he threw up in Game 7 of the 2005 Finals?

6. Larry Johnson: Grandmama sunk the Pacers with his four-point play in the Eastern Conference Finals, but he was dreadful in the 1999 Finals. Game 1: 1-for-3, five points. Game 2: 2-for-12, five points. Game 3: 6-for-16, 16 points. Game 4: 2-for-8, five points. Game 5: 3-for-10, seven points.

5. Magic Johnson: Most NBA historians feel like the Lakers should have won the 1984 NBA Finals. In fact, they could have swept the series...had it not been for Magic Johnson. The Lakers had a chance to win Game 2 in regulation, but the Lakers didn't get a shot off because Magic dribbled out the clock. He then threw the ball -- and any chance at victory -- away twice at the end of the overtime session. In Game 4, he missed two freethrows that would have given the Lakers the lead. On the Celtics very next possession, Bird posted Johnson up and drained the go-ahead basket over Magic's outstretched hands. Instead of winning the series 4-0, the Lakers lost it 4-3. Johnson was so depressed afterward that Kevin McHale started calling him "Tragic Johnson."

4. Rik Smits: When the Pacers finally made it to the NBA Finals in 2000, somebody forget to tell Smits. He averaged a lousy 10 PPG on 39 percent shooting. Even worse, he averaged only four RPG, and had two games in which he grabbed only two rebounds. Did I meantion he was 7'4"? On defense, he let Shaq to score 38 PPG on 61 percent shooting. He shot 1-for-8 for two points in the deciding game.

3. Karl Malone: The Mailman didn't play that badly in the 1997 and 1998 Finals, and he had some bigtime games too. His 37 points in Game 3 of the '97 Finals brought Utah back from the brink, and his 39 points in Game 5 of the '98 Finals staved off elimination and gave the Jazz a chance to come back and win the title at home. But then again, his missed freethrows in Game 1 in '97 (leading Scottie Pippen to quip that "The mailman doesn't deliver on Sundays") and his turnover at the end of Game 6 in '98 both set up two Michael Jordan buzzer-beaters and, of course, two more championships.

2. Larry Bird: The 1984-85 season was a good one for the Celtics. They were the reigning champs, Bird was his second consecutive MVP award, and the team won a league-best 63 games during the regular season. The Celtics seemed like a lock to win back-to-back titles for the first time since the 1960s. But then Bird injured his hand in a bar fight during the Eastern Conference Finals and his shooting percentage dropped from the mid-50s to the low 40s. Not only did they surrender their title to the Lakers, they did it in Boston Garden. Bird was 12-for-28 in the deciding game.

1. John Starks: The New York Knicks lost Game 7 of the 1994 Finals by a score of 90-84. It was a game they could have won, and they would have won it...if John Starks hadn't shot 2-for-18 from the field. During the 2006 NBA Finals, Pat Riley stated publicly for the first time that sitting Rolando Blackman in favor of John Starks during Games 6 and 7 of the 1994 NBA Finals was "the biggest coaching mistake" in his career and stated that he has never forgiven himself for it.

Labels: Chauncy Billups, fake Magic Johnson, John Starks, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, Larry Johnson, NBA Finals, Nick Anderson, Patrick Ewing

That's the face of a killer.Or the Incredible Hulk.

Last night, the soon-to-be named MVP Dirk Nowitzki and his 67-win Dallas Mavericks choked up a 3-1 first round series lead to the not-even-supposed-to-be-here-today Golden State Warriors. This was quite a contrast to what had happened just a few hours earlier, when Steve Nash once again proved why he's the reigning MVP.

The Lakers won Game 3 of their series against the Suns for a variety of reasons, the primary one of which was that they used a series of aggressive traps and double-teams to keep the ball out of Nash's hands. But instead of blaming the refs, a lack of effort (by his teammates), a dearth of talent (in his teammates), or his teammates' inability to hit shots, Nash took the onus on himself...promising to keep the ball, split those traps, and make things happen for his team.

What "happened" was 17 points and a career-high 23 assists in a 113-100 smackdown of the Lakers. Those 23 assists, by the way, were one shy of tying the all-time playoff record co-held by Magic Johnson and John Stockton, the two greatest point guards of all time. They also came in a contest in which Nash outdueled the supposed "best player" in the league, Kobe Bryant.

What I love about what Nash is doing is his swagger and killer instinct. While his buddy Dirk was putting on the ten-fingered necklace he loves to wear in big games, Nash continued to attack the opposing team and his critics. And those who like to point at his talented cast of teammates should review Games 3 and 4 and watch what happened when Nash came out of the game. His value to his team, and in the league, should be unquestioned.

Like Bob Cousy and Magic Johnson before him, Nash is proving (or re-proving) that you can dominate the game of basketball without scoring 50 points. It's as beautiful and fun to watch as anything you'll ever see. Kobe fans like to make the claim that Bryant's efforts go unappreciated because of his sketchy past. But Nash's efforts often go unappreciated by the casual fan because he's short, white, unathletic, and probably will never go for 50 (although he'll probably dish for it). The fact is, this guy's the best player in the league right now five minutes ago (see below).

It's official: Baron Davis is the best player in the NBA. Although I really wish this movement had started after the Warriors completed their upset of the Mavericks, because if Dallas comes back all of this talk will be forgotten in less time than it'll take Baron to get injured next season.

Labels: Bob Cousy, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, fake Magic Johnson, Golden State Warriors, John Stockton, Kobe Bryant, Los Angels Lakers, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash

When this guy's parents gave him his name, little did they realize he'd later use it to shamelessly promote one of those dirty "Payday Loan" places.

Labels: commercials, fake Magic Johnson