Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier: Okay, this "Looney Tunes" moment didn't happen over the weekend. It happened last Thursday against the Spurs. But this clip of Herr Dirkmeister and Ericka running into each other is so awesome that if you ever need me for anything at any time, I can probably be found making sweet, sweet love to it. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Jeffrey Hardy Quah for the heads up.


Freaky Friday

Toronto Raptors: They allowed Mike Dunleavy Jr. to match his career-high with 36 points, and the Basketbawful manifesto clearly states that all teams that surrender a career game to Dunleavy Jr. get an automatic mention in Worst of the Weekend.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: After Boston's 108-100 win over the Gerald Wallace-less Bobcats, Pierce had this to say: "If we move the ball, play unselfish and keep the turnovers down, we are a tough team to guard night in and night out." In other news, teams that outscore their opponent win at least 100 percent of the time. Also, Paul, I think you meant "unselfishly." It's called an adverb. Look it up.

Mario West: Super Mario played 31 seconds against the Knicks. Amazingly, he managed to squeeze of a shot (which he missed) and grab one rebound in his half minute of PT. At that rate, he could have missed 80 shots and grabbed almost 80 rebounds over 40 minutes! It was the 13th time this season West has played 35 seconds or less.

The New York Knicks: They didn't really do anything out of the ordinary -- just another loss to a sub-.500 team -- but putting them in Worst of the Weekend just feels kind of right, you know? Note: Zach Randolph complained after the game that somebody stepped on his foot. Hmmm, I wonder...

Kaniel Dickens: Cleveland's reserve power forward played only 42 seconds against Minnesota. I guess Craig Smith was too much man for him to handle.

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World wasn't in the lineup against the T-Wolves because his wife, Shannon, was about to pump out their third child. And, strangely enough, the Cavs didn't seem to miss him at all. Huh.

Larry Hughes: He submitted a "He is who we thought he was" performance against the Wizards, shooting 5-for-16 and getting smother chicken'ed by Darius Songaila.

Jim Boylan, quote machine: The interim Bulls coach put a full 110 percent effort into blasting his team for losing 97-91 to the Washington Wizards: [Bill Walton voice] "We embarrassed the organization and the city of Chicago tonight. I apologize for that." [/Bill Walton voice]. And in case you couldn't interpret his words correctly, let me provide a Boylan-to-English translation: By "we" he meant "No, not me; I'm talking about my lazy, listless, lousy players."

The Utah Jazz: They did a great job of coming back from a 23-point first quarter deficit against the Hornets, but they did a not-so-great job of getting a hand in Jannero Pargo's face. Pargo, who scored 15 points off the bench, drilled two jumpers and then hit a tough three-pointer to halt Utah’s fourth quarter rally. I understand if you can't stop Chris Paul or even David West. I'm not so understanding when you can't stop Jannero Pargo.

The Memphis Grizzlies: I have four words to describe why the Griz made it to WotW: "Brian Cardinal, starting center." 'Nuff said.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, he tried to explain why he's normally reluctant to shoot the ball: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." So if you see Kidd wearing any equestrian gear this week, you'll know why. Edit: Basketbawful reader flohtingpoint added this: "Riiiightt...as it stands right now, Jason "Jumpshot" Kidd has more career three-point attempts (3962) than Mad Max (3931), Glen Rice (3896), The Rifleman (3370) and Dan Majerle (3798). If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker."

The Lakers' shooters: Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic, and Jordan Farmar were a combined 9-for-28 from the field, and 2-for-17 from Three Land. Not surprisingly, Pau Gasol didn't get a lot of room to work (4-for-10) and the Lakers' 10-game win streak came to a sticky end in Portland.

Von Wafer: Forget the fact that his name makes him sound like a German sugar cookie, Wafer scored a -- drum roll please -- four trillion against the Lakers. And my readers wasted no time in letting me know about it. Said BranGor: "Besides enjoying getting dunked on by Kirk Snyder, Mr. Wafer also enjoys putting up stellar numbers." Added John Mitchell: "Von Wafer of the Blazers got a four trillion versus the Lakers, two days after setting career highs in points, minutes, shots, sweat, etc. against the Clippers. To be fair to him, his alpha male SG Brandon Roy was back after missing two games. Blazers 2-for-3 this week against L.A. (2 versus the Lakers and 1 versus the Clips -- all in a row)."

C.J. Watson and Patrick O'Bryant: These seldom-used Warriors showed the world once again exactly why they're so seldom-used. Watson scored a one trillion and O'Bryant played a whopping 3 seconds, which made even Mario West feel a little sorry for him.

The Seattle SuperSonics: They lost at home to the Miami Heat -- the then 10-45 Miami Heat.

Dwyane Wade, quote machine: Just about anybody who watches basketball knows that Pookie isn't close to 100 percent right now. And given Miami's worst-in-the-league record, he should probably shut it down for the year. Reggie Miller made just that point on Thursday night during the Heat's loss to the Lakers, saying that Wade seemed to be operating at about 60 percent of his ability. During Friday's post-game press conference, Wade responded. "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I’m not 100 (percent), but I'm not 60." Okay, sure. And going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers wrapped in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how?

Sucky Saturday

Zach Randolph: Z-Bo missed the Knicks' game against the Magic with a bad case of the Didn't Want To Play. Or maybe it was that "sore right foot" that got stepped on in the Hawks game. Meanwhile, New York coach Isiah Thomas seemed a little confused about just what the hell was going on. As usual. Said Zeke: "The way the inactive list needs to be reported now, when Zach came back in and said he couldn't play we had already filled out the form." Whatever. Randolph's presence wouldn't have prevented another loss, but at least it might have yielded some comic relief. So, yeah, I feel a little cheated.

Eddy Curry: The Knicks' one remaining tower got his lunch eaten by Dwight Howard (26 points, 22 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 blocks). Meanwhile, Fat Shaq had 9 points (4-for-9), 2 turnovers, and nearly fouled out (5) in a 26-minute ego-ectomy.

Jarron Collins versus Jason Collins: The Utah/Memphis game provided these twin terrors with the chance to go head-to-head, and they still couldn't score. Jarron notched a one trillion and Jason went scoreless (0-for-0 from the field, 0-for-2 from the line) in eight minutes and had a +/- score of –20.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "I think they out-toughed us. I think we got tough too late. By the time we got tough, we were looking back, and we were down 10. When it gets tough, I think we just have to take care of the basketball and run our offense even more. I don't think we did that." Take care of the basketball and run the offense...genius! Why didn't his coach think of that?

Damon Stoudamire and Kurt Thomas: San Antonio got these boys on a Blue Light Special, and apparently there was a reason for that. Mighty Mouse had 2 points (1-for-4), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists in 16 minutes. Thomas had zero points (0-for-2), 3 rebounds, and 2 personal fouls in 9 minutes. Hey, sometimes you get what you pay for.

Jacque Vaughn: I know he's not all that necessary with Tony Parker back in the lineup, but he was playing pretty well in Parker's absence. Better than Stoudamire, that's for sure. Too bad he's now stuck on the bench and only played 4 seconds against the Bucks.

The Phoenix Suns defense: Okay. This has gone way past the point of utter redonkulessness. Giving up big scores and high shooting percentages to the Lakers and Hornets is one thing. But letting the 76ers score 119 points on 57 percent shooting? The Sixers?! Sidenote: This happened in Phoenix, by the way.

Linton Johnson: He scored a one trillion against the Sixers. How, exactly, did this guy steal Brian Skinners' minutes? Uh, I mean, minute.

Savage Sunday

Luol Deng: He shot 3-for-13 against the Cavs, and I feel the need to remind everybody -- once again -- that he's the player that John Paxson wouldn't part with to get Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant. In fact, you know what? I'm going to repeat this for the rest of the season.

Dwayne Jones: Mr. Jones had a one trillion for the Cavs.

Jason Kidd: Kidd wasted Dirk's first clutch performance since, well, maybe ever by missing a freethrhow that would have tied the game with 11 seconds to go in overtime. Game over, Lakers win. Why didn't Avery bench this guy?!

Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse: Actually, the Mavs could have won the game despite Kidd's boner if these guys hadn't been shooting blanks all day. Stackhouse was 2-for-12 and Mr. Cockblock scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting.

The Lakers not named Kobe Bryant: Speaking of bad shooting, the non-Mamba Lakers shot a combined 18-for-50, which explains why Kobe had to go all Leeroy Jenkins on the Mavericks. Derek Fisher (3-for-11) was the Grand Marshall of the Brick Parade, and Sasha Vujacic (3-for-12), Pau Gasol (5-for-14), and Jordan Farmar (1-for-6) were right there with him.

New Orleans Hornets: I have no idea what to make of this double-digit loss to the Wizards. It was N'awlins' second loss to the Wiz in less than a week.

Hilton Armstrong: I'll let Basketbawful reader Josh tell this sad tale: "I don't know what was more impressive tonight, the Wizards 17 point win over the Hornets or Hilton Armstrong's amazing 8 trillion. What on earth did he do for 8 MINUTES! I mean put a hand on somebody or something. I would say this was the worst effort I've seen all year but, Memphis has 23 games left and Jason Collins is just warming up. Now there is a guy who's a threat to put up 5 trillion a night. Anyways, I bet Armstrong's performance bought him a one way ticket to the D-League. RGV Vipers here we come."

Toronto Raptors: Here's how the Associated Press put it: "In a listless performance against one of the NBA’s worst teams, the Bosh-less Raptors gave up 30 points to Charlotte’s Jason Richardson, and allowed the Bobcats to dominate the glass in a 110-98 win on Sunday." When the always-bland AP describes your performance as "listless," chances are it was even worse than that.

Rasho Nesterovic: "No! I don't wanna be in the poster!"

Milwaukee Bucks: Mike Dunleavy Jr. matches his career-high of 36 points again, this time against the Bucks. And you know what that means. (Here's a hint: Automatic WotW mention.)

Jeremy Richardson and Solomon Jones: These Atlanta benchdudes got up off their splintered butts to score a one trillion and go zero-for-everything in 46 seconds, respectively.

Al Jefferson: Baby KG had a monster game (30 points, 15 rebounds, 5 assists) but contracted a case of Shaqnopsis, missing two freethrows that could have tied the game with 35 seconds to go in overtime.

The Miami Heat: They coughed up a 21-point second half lead and ended up losing by 11 to the Kings. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 32-point turnaround. Way to D it up, guys.

Chris Webber: Okay, can we all just agree that this experiment isn't working and send C-Webb back out to pasture? Webber scored a point (0-for-1, 1-for-2 at the line) and commited 2 turnovers in 8 geriatrical minutes. Memo to Chris Mullin: Don't wait for Webber to break a hip or something. Cut him today.

Fun-tastic Extra: More Basketbawful -- and Ultimate Warrior quotes!! -- can be found in today's NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

Labels: Chris Webber, Dirk Nowitzki, Erick Dampier, Jason Kidd, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Weekend

The Knicks offense: They scored 92 points on 38 percent shooting (30-79) and committed 18 turnovers. During the second quarter, the Knicks went nearly 11 minutes without a field goal. And I feel the need to point out the obvious here: An NBA quarter is only 12 minutes long. New York bricked 20 shots during that 11-minute Gulag. It very rarely gets any uglier than that.

Fun fact: The Knicks are last in the league in assists (17.2).

The Knicks defense: They surrendered 119 points on 58 percent shooting (49-84). Moreover, they could only stand by and watch in bleary-eyed wonder as Mike Dunleavy Jr. dropped a career-high 36 points (13-18) on them, including 22 in the third quarter alone. You cannot trust teams that give up career nights to Mike Dunleavy Jr.

Fun fact: The Pacers are the sixth highest scoring team in the league (104.6 PPG), and the highest scoring team in the Eastern Conference. They're second in the league in field goal attempts (86.8), fourth in three-point attempts (22.4), and sixth in assists (23.3). An up-tempo offense in Indiana? Quite a change from the Rick Carlisle days.

The Knicks: They have the second-highest payroll in the league, yet they've lost six of seven games and are 7-17 on the season (including 1-9 on the road). Their own fans have turned on them and they're regularly booed at home. They're selfish, don't play defense, their coach/general manager is a laughingstock, and there's no hope whatsoever of anything improving in any significant way any time soon. The three words that best describe them are as follows, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

Zach Randolph: He lead the Knicks in points and rebounds (26 and 9), but during the second quarter he displayed the kind of behavior that epitomizes a little bit of everything that's wrong with his team. While apparently trying to argue a call, Randolph completely turned his back and left his man (Troy Murphy) wide open for a three-pointer that gave the Pacers a 12-point lead with 1:20 remaining in the first half. Here's some advice, Zach. Argue with the refs when play is stopped or even not at all.

Renaldo Balkman: Isiah Thomas' tenure as the Knicks' GM has been a cautionary tale in abject failure, but drafting Balkman was supposed to be one of his rare successes. Well, I think you can officially scratch that idea. Balkman went scoreless (0-5) against the Pacers. It marks the seventh time in 20 games this season that he hasn't scored a point. He's currently averaging 2.8 PPG and 3.1 RPG. Of course, he's only playing around 13 minutes per game. Interestingly enough, he grabbed 9 rebounds last night in only 12 minutes, which tied him with Randolph (who played 38 minutes) for the team high. Balkman might actually be the team's most effective rebounder, but at 13 MPG, we'll probably never know for sure.

Cleveland Cavaliers: It took them two overtimes and a little luck to win a home game against the Bucks, a team that's lost 10 of their last 13 games. I know they say a win's a win, but sometimes a win feels an awful lot like a loss, doesn't it?

Charlie Bell: Remember, this is the guy that the Bucks wouldn't let bolt to the Heat. He's averaging 4.6 PPG and 2.8 APG on the season. Last night he scored zero points (0-3) and had 1 personal foul in 10 minutes.

Bobby Simmons: Speaking of contract errors, the Bucks' big free agent acquisition of a couple years ago didn't play much better than Bell: He had zero points (0-1), 1 assist, and 2 personal fouls in 15 minutes.

Utah Jazz: They let the Hawks -- the Atlanta Hawks -- score 116 points on 57 percent shooting. They also gave Atlanta the gift of 50 freethrow attempts. Naturally, the Hawks did their best to give that gift right back by missing 14 foul shots and committing 20 turnovers. But in the end, there could be only one loser, and that loser was the Jazz, who have now dropped seven of their last 10 games.

Miami Heat: Yes, they won a game, technically speaking. But they struggled with all their might to finish off the worst team in the league, at home no less. Dwyane Wade shot the ball like he'd just had his hands cut off at the elbow (6-22). Fortunately for him the officials were having a 2006 NBA Finals flashback, the end result of which was 20 freethrow attempts for Wade and a slim escape for the Heat. Shaq actually managed to stay on the floor for almost 30 minutes, but he fouled out again and looked pretty helpless against Al Jefferson (22 points, 20 rebounds). The Big Turnover also lost the ball 5 times.

Fun fact: Shaq recently said, "I'm a great passer from the post" as part of his argument for getting more touches. Well, that might have been true once upon a time. But now? Not so much. On the season, Shaq has committed 68 turnovers while dishing only 33 assists.

Darko Milicic: Another bad night for Darko: 2 points (1-2), 2 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, 2 fouls, 8 minutes. Even with Pau Gasol out, Darko couldn't stay on the floor. Not only has he lost confidence in himself, his team's starting to give up on him too. I bet every time he closes his eyes, he sees Rasheed Wallace laughing at him.

Erick Dampier: He had one of his best games of the season, with 8 points and 7 rebounds. And the sad thing is, I'm not even kidding. It really was one of his best games of the season. How in the name of Lincoln's Wart is this guy third in All-Star voting among Western Conference centers (behind Yao Ming and Amare Stoudemire)??

Fun fact: Dampier's contract runs through the 2010-11 season and will pay him an additional $33 million after this season. Mind you, Mark Cuban bought Dampier with the money he wasn't willing to spend on Steve Nash.

Phoenix Suns defense: They won a hotly contested game with the world champs, and they became the first team to beat the Spurs in San Antonio this season. I'm sure you sense there's a "but" coming, and that "but" is the Suns' crummy defense. Amare Stoudemire basically shrunk away in fear as Tim Duncan ate his lunch (season-high 36 points, 15-25 shooting, season-high 17 rebounds). But even more disturbing was the fact that Jacque Vaughn looked positively Tony Parker-esque (14 points, 7-10 shoting, 4 assists). You cannot trust teams that make Jacque Vaughn look good. Also troubling is that, not only did the Suns get killed on the boards (again), Steve Nash actually led them in rebounding with 8. That should really never happen. Think the Suns miss Kurt Thomas? Think they aren't secretly wishing Steve Kerr had pulled the trigger on that Stoudemire-for-Garnett trade?

Robert Horry: Another rough outing for Ben-Gay Bob: Zero points (0-1), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, and 1 foul in 13 minutes. However, he did find time to thug Steve Nash again.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Erick Dampier, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Robert Horry, Utah Jazz