That pretty much sums it up
(Thanks to stephanie g for forwarding that to us)
Before we get into the basketball talk, a quick footbawful crossover... here's a scathing article from Clay Travis where he rips the NFL culture for shunning Myron Rolle. I was nodding in agreement the entire time I read this piece.

We all remember Joakim Noah's harsh words for Cleveland. Well, on second thought (and perhaps after viewing the beautiful hastily-made Cleveland tourism videos), he's changed his mind and is wowed by the culture and vitality of Cleveland. (If you don't immediately pick up the fact that this link is satire... I don't know what to say to you.)

And finally, as linked on Deadspin, a couple of San Diego Padres prospects with way too much time on their hands put together this awesome video of NERF Basketball action. Mesmerizing.



Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Super best friends!
(Thanks to JE Skeets for retweeting this gem)

D-Wade knows he is about to receive a wedgie, but is too late to do anything about it

"Hey, smell my finger!"

I half-expected Cardboard Sign Dirk to have a Cardboard Sign Flying Elbow

/facepalm

The Drain, everybody!
All The Games:
Bucks at Hawks - TNT, 8:00pm
Series tied 2-2

I know that we're supposed to Fear the Deer, but does that include road games? Based on what we've seen so far in this series, I'm guessing the answer is no. To have a shot at winning this series, they're going to have to steal a road game so well that you expect to see it end up for sale on the Homeboy Shopping Network.


Jazz at Nuggets - TNT, 10:30pm
Jazz lead series 3-1

The Nuggets claim they're back to being buddies and nobody will be thrown under the bus anymore. Bullcrap. I've seen better chemistry in a middle school science lab.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Footbawful, In Living Color, Joakim Noah, Miami Heat

Cheer up, Melo! Don't you know how much the people in Utah love you?
I would say Happy 4/20, but since I'm not one to partake, I'll just ask the stoners to light one up on my behalf. (Thanks, Josh Howard)

I had to buy some new PC speakers since my old Dell ones were about as reliable as Francisco Garcia's exercise ball. While sampling the variety of speakers set up for testing at Best Buy, I felt like an NBA GM trying to draft college/international players and sign free agents. This might be a bit convoluted, but hear me out.

I could see how the different speakers sounded in the store, but this didn't really tell me about how they'd sound actually in my room on my computer desk. Much the same, just because a player looks good in workouts doesn't mean he'll be good when he's posting up a real player instead of a chair. (Okay, that was a cheap shot, Yi isn't that bad. But it's still funny, so roll with it.)

Also, every speaker brand except Bose was set up where I could hear the same exact music on all them. The Bose speakers had their own test display that obviously only played audio that fit the strengths of each model of speaker. (The interactive demo's voice told me to notice the clarity of the acoustic guitar on the cheaper 2-speaker system. Of course it's clear! It's all midrange sounds! You won't let me hear how godawful the bass sounds on these tiny speakers!) Similarly, you can only judge each player based on the system in which they play, and their current situation (i.e. teammates, contract year phenomenon). The $400 Bose speakers claimed to sound like a 5.1 surround system with only two satellites and a subwoofer. However, the sound quality wasn't very impressive to me (and a quick Google search on my phone confirmed reports of the sound being tinny and hollow). Buying those speakers would have been like a team signing Amar''''e Stoudemire next year based simply on his performance this season. You're going to pay out the ass for something that looked good only under ideal circumstances and probably won't perform like that later? No thanks.

The other speaker options ranged from the $25 Darko Milicic-ish Insignias (can fill up space, but otherwise utterly useless) to the $100 Logitechs that reminded me of Chuck Hayes (definately serviceable, but ultimately too small for what you really need). I ended up opting for the $150 Klipsch ProMedia 2.1 system. It seemed to have strong bass and warm midrange, and the highs seemed like they could sound good with better EQ from the source audio than what I heard in the store. I haven't gotten a chance to set them up and try them at home yet. Hopefully I got the Kevin Durant of speakers and not the Greg Oden where they break in six months.

(On edit, I have since set up the speakers and tweaked my EQ in Winamp -- holy crap these things sound fantastic. Well worth the money.)

In other news, Shaq's gradual descent into madness continues. (Via Deadspin)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Ilgauskas attempts to read Noah's mind

I would have said "Sloth from Goonies," but this comparison works too

That's not how you facepalm, JR Smith...
All The Games:
Bucks at Hawks - NBA TV, 7:00pm
Hawks lead series 1-0

The Bucks managed to keep things halfway interesting in Game 1 thanks to Brandon Jennings' 34 point effort. However, based on the way his regular season played out, the odds of him continuing to play out of his mind are roughly the same as the odds of Steven Seagal starring in a box-office-smash summer blockbuster next year. And John freaking Salmons can only carry a team so far.

Heat at Celtics - TNT, 8:00pm
Celtics lead series 1-0

It's probably fair to say that Kevin Garnett's best days as an NBA player are behind him. However, that doesn't mean the aging Leprechauns won't miss him and his hyperdestructive elbows. Think about it. Who gets more playing time when KG is out? That's right -- Rasheed Wallace. Sigh. Ball don't lie, and ball says you need to stop taking so goddamn many bad threes, Sheed.

Frail Blazers at Suns - NBA TV, 10:00pm
Blazers lead series 1-0

Here's a really sobering stat for you. Despite Phoenix being the highest scoring NBA team this season, they only managed to score a whopping four fastbreak points all night in Game 1. It's probably for the best that I won't be able to see this game (who the hell decided that it was a good idea to put playoff games on NBA TV??). It'll save me two to three hours of pacing nervously and contemplating taking up smoking.

Thunder at Lakers - TNT, 10:30pm
Lakers lead series 1-0

Yes, the Lakers won the first game of the series. However, they did it almost entirely on the strength of their monsterous first quarter. Once the young Thunder shook off the cobwebs of their first playoff experience, they started to play halfway decent ball and made it an interesting game. And that's in spite of the Thunder's offensive effort being ugly like Joakim Noah's face, with lots of poor shot selection and very little team-oriented play. This series really could be fun.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Joakim Noah, ridiculous analogies

"Let him shoot! Let him shoot! Let him...oh, shit!"
The Chicago Bulls: Honestly, I'm not sure what else the Bulls could have done. They played a near perfect game.

No, they didn't shoot the ball well -- 44 percent as a team, including 4-for-13 from three-point range -- but they've been a limited offensive team all season. However, they flipped the script from Game 1 by taking care of the ball (only 4 turnovers), sharing the ball (25 assists), controlling the offensive boards (13-5), thriving off second-chance points (19), running out in transition (18 fast break points) and outscoring Cleveland 56-38 in the paint.

It very well could have been a winning effort...except for friggin' LeBron James.

King Crab scored a game-high 40 points, including 15 in the pivotal fourth quarter. But what was most demoralizing is how he scored those points. You expect James to be dominate around the basket, and he did, dunking the ball once and hitting all six of his layup attempts. This included a statement dunk on poor James Johnson and a spectacular up-and-under scooping layup on Noah.

But like I said, you expect that.

What you -- and, certainly, the Bulls -- don't expect is for LeBron to sizzle from the outside. During the regular season, James shot only 33 percent from downtown and had an Effective Field Goal Percentage of 43 percent on jump shots. King Crab might very well be the best player on planet Earth, but if there's a weakness in his game, it's his outside shooting.

Of course, people said the same thing about Michael Jordan in 1992, and we all know how that turned out. I think Clyde Drexler is still recovering from that revelation.

Anyway, LeBron went 9-for-16 from outside and 2-for-4 from beyond the arc, including one ridiculous trey right in Noah's mug. It was so freaky far away from the hoop that Joakim returned to the scene of the crime after the game to investigate the distance from which James took the shot.

Said Noah: "That's a long way. You've got to be kidding me."

As for LeBron, he didn't pull off any Jordan-like shrugs -- although he did do a little dance after hitting that three on Noah -- but he did address Chicago's strategy of trying to force him to shoot: "They were telling me I can't make jump shots. They asked me to shoot a jumper so I did that. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again." That's right. Eight "overs."

Damn, he's good. But damn, I hate him.

This sort of looks like the final shot from a moviewhere a famous athlete helps a special needs child.
James Johnson, poster boy: Poor rookie.


After the game, LeBron -- overflowing with modesty -- reluctantly conceded that dunk was one of his greatest: "It definitely ranks up there. It's one of the best ones."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part 1: When asked whether he regretted making anti-Cleveland comments between Games 1 and 2, Noah said...well...here's the video:


Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part II: "We were real focused at the beginning and we played with poise. It just came down to them hitting big shot after big shot. LeBron's pretty good. He's actually a very good player."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part III: "LeBron's hitting unbelievable shots. Yes, it's tough. But we've got to play them again, so I don't want to be up here and give LeBron all this credit. Yeah, he played an unbelievable game. It's tough right now. I hate to lose, so I'm a little frustrated by that. But we'll be ready to go come Thursday."

Joakim Noah: Ready to go.
Vinny Del Negro, quote machine: Time to update your spreadsheet of strange in-game promotions: The Cavs gave their fans a box of macaroni and cheese and encouraged them to shake it while the Bulls -- especially Noah -- were shooting free throws. (For the record, Noah, a career 70 percent foul shooter, went 5-for-5.) Regarding the promotion, Vinny said: "I'm Italian, I like macaroni. I'm hoping I can get a few boxes after the game. I love pasta. Penne, spaghetti -- I actually like linguine. I hope they pass some linguine out."

Huh. Suddenly feeling hungry.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, let's get some things straight. The Utah Jazz are not a deep team, assuming "deep" means "having multiple talented players on their bench." Without Andrei Kirilenko, they have nobody to guard Carmelo Anthony. Minus Mehmet Okur, they were forced to start Kyrylo Fesenko at center, and Fesenko responded with more fouls and turnovers (5 and 2) than points and rebounds (4 and 2) in 20 minutes. All things being equal, the Nuggets should have taken a 2-0 series lead last night.

Didn't happen tho'.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot finished with 17 points despite shooting only 4-for-11. Billups finished with almost as many fouls and turnovers (10) as assists (11), but that's not why he's here. It's because his counterpart, Deron Williams, owned him so thoroughly that I half-expected to see Deron try to sell Chauncey on eBay. Williams went off for 33 points and 14 assists. He was 7-for-14 from the field, 3-for-4 from downtown and a mind-boggling 16-for-18 from the foul line.

Said Billups: "D-Will and Booz, they had their way." And Williams had his way with you, Chauncey. I'm just sayin'.

J.R. Smith: Remember how he exploded in the fourth quarter of Game 1? And how I said Smith can shoot his team in or out of a game? Well, in Game 2, J.R. went 3-for-10, including 1-for-6 from three-point range.

Carmelo Anthony: 'Melo made a living at the free throw line Anthony -- 14-for-15 for the game -- but he went 9-for-25 from the field and fouled out of a playoff game for the first time of his career.

Did I mention that four of his six fouls were of the offensive variety? The foul out forced Anthony to miss the final 25 seconds of the game, which was a pretty big deal considering Denver was down one point at the time and only lost by three.

Said Boozer: "Him not being in there the last 25 seconds was huge for us."

Don't worry, 'Melo. The people of Utah still love you. Or...something. H/T AnacondaHL.


Of course, this is the NBA, so naturally there's a little controversy over 'Melo's sixth foul...

Officiating: Anthony got whistled for personal foul number six after taking a swipe at C.J. Miles. There was only one problem: Miles stepped out of bounds before Anthony did his Edward Scissor Hands impersonation. Unfortunately for Denver, the refs missed it. 'Melo had to take a seat and sank both freebies to put Utah up 110-107.

That's a pretty big play.

Said Miles: "I knew I was close but it was only because he was hitting me. He was trying to get the ball."

Speaking of fouls...

Hack-a-palooza 2010: That's what it was at the Pepsi Center last night, as the Jazz and Nuggets combined for 67 personal fouls and 91 free throw attempts. You read that correctly: 91 foul shots, 47 for Utah and 44 for Denver. What's more, Jazz coach Jerry Sloan got tagged with a technical foul and 'Melo got clled for a flagrant.

That's playoff basketball I guess.

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "I think we tried to get to [Anthony] a little bit earlier. In the game before we let everybody go where they wanted to go. Sometimes you get tired of taking a butt kicking."

Kevin Garnett: Here's KG's reaction to his one-game suspension for going all Macho Man Randy Savage on Quentin Richardson:

"No, I wasn't surprised at all, to be honest," said Garnett. "I told my man, [Celtics vice president of media relations] Jeff Twiss, when we were talking that I just want my message to be done, and all of this to be over with. My message here is: Whoever it is, my teammates, [Celtics coach] Doc Rivers, or anyone in the organization, I want them to know I got their back.

"The elbow wasn't deliberate. The league does what it has to do to set the tone. I respect that. It's time to move on and get back to a wonderful series."

Not deliberate? Really, KG? C'mon, man. You don't swing a lethal elbow like that non-deliberately. It's impossible.

Naturally, Garnett tried to throw a little blame Richardson's way:

"You know how it goes," said Garnett. "The person that usually instigates something is not the one that usually gets the penalty. But it's over. It's what it is. We've both been dealt with."

As Basketbawful reader That's not in the book said: "All aboard the KG Train O' Dislogic: He's 'got his (team's) back,' Quentin Richardson 'instigates something,' yet the thrown elbow 'wasn't deliberate.' Tab A does not Slot B in this argument."

Doc Rivers is riding KG's train:

"My only statement on the whole thing, I accept Kevin being suspended, if you go by the letter of the law, you kinda knew it was going to go that way," said Rivers. "But if your really want to stop the fights, you gotta suspend the agitator, too. I think right now, the agitator gets fined, the retaliator gets suspended in all these things. Until they stop the agitator, and fine them, and suspend them both, then you'll have these things."

??? Uhm, just watch. Hat tip to Deadspin, via Dan B.


Lacktion report: Two games was still enough for chris to eke out some lacktion:

Bulls-Crabs: James Johnson fouled thricely in 4:52 and added a brick and rejection for a +5 suck differential, while JJ Hickson held a Game Boy for a full 10 seconds to earn his second straight Mario!!!

Jazz-Nuggets: Kyrylo Fesenko went 100% for field goals in two attempts as starting big man, but for the rest of his 19:44 stint, he countered an assist and board as well with five fouls and two giveaways for a 7:6 Voskuhl. Othyus Jeffers jammed a brick into the proceedings and also took a rejection for a celebratory +2 in 3:07.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Doc Rivers, Joakim Noah, Kevin Garnett, NBA playoffs, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Check out this item from the ESPN.com NBA Rumors page. Noah ready to bang, ESPN? Really?! Of course, look at Joakim's zany smile...maybe he really is ready to bang! Seriously.


Mucho thanks to Basketbawful reader Garron for the head's up.

Labels: ESPN, fan submissions, funny headlines, Joakim Noah

Boston Celtics: I'm not saying that that this team has lost focus now that there's nothing left to play for...actually, you know what? That's precisely what I'm saying. The Celtics turned their effort on and off all night, cruising here, making a run there, hitting big shots and then committing careless mistakes (they had 20 turnovers). The up-and-down, sometimes lackadaisical play led to a 109-95 defeat that gave the Wizards, a potential playoff opponent, more confidence than they probably deserve. Not a big deal, maybe, but you never want to give your foes any type of psychological advantage going into the postseason.

Doc Rivers: Doc couldn't quite decide whether to rest his stars or go all out to beat Washington, so he did the worst possible thing: He yanked The Big Three but then put them back in the game because the score was still close in the fourth quarter. The end result? He didn't rest his stars or win. Paul Pierce played 37 minutes, Ray Allen logged 36, and Kevin Garnett put in 30. Okay, KG got some rest, but what in the name of Lincoln's wart was Ray-Ray doing on the floor that long? We've been hearing all season that Allen's fragile ankles now have the relative durability of two dowel rods wrapped in toilet tissue. If there's one Celtic -- besides Sam Cassell, that is -- who should be sitting, it's Ray Allen. Save him for the playoffs, Doc.

Brian Scalabrine: Everybody's favorite candlepin bowler-slash-instructional video star actually got some PT last night. He would have scored a one trillion, but he gonked a shot and committed a turnover. Which, now that I think about it, is even sadder than getting a trillion.

Maurice Ager: There's our one trillion of the night. Thanks, Maurice.

Ben Wallace: It's good to see Big Bum disappoint somewhere other than Chicago. Wallace's line against the Nets: 1 points (0-for-2), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 turnovers and the worst +/- score on the team (-12).

The Nets' fourth quarter: New Jersey started the quarter down by two points, but they quickly went up by one when Bostjan Nachbar hit a three-pointer. The Nets didn't know it at the time, but their first field goal of the period would also be their last; they went 0-for-19 the rest of the way. And so New Jersey got outscored 28-9 in that final stanza and lost 104-83. Mind you, their very playoff lives were at stake. You hear that, Nets? It's a bell tolling for thee.

Chicago Bulls: It's official. They're not even really trying to win at this point. And Ben Gordan -- who last summer announced that he's the best player on the team -- said it's hard for the players to motivate themselves with nothing to play for and no reason to care. Said Gordan Gordon: ''Anybody who says it isn't, is not telling the truth."

Well, you're wrong, Ben. There's at least one Bull who still cares: Rookie Joakim Noah. And he had some strong (and refreshingly frank) words after the game. Said Noah: "'Losing is like a disease, it spreads throughout the whole team,. It's really hard right now, because regardless of what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season. I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. You can talk about Florida, but if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. We're losers. That's all there is to say." He's not wrong."

And Noah wasn't done. ''There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about approach to every game; the things that are going to be tolerated and the things that aren't going to be tolerated. Not the little, stupid things. I'm talking about winning; the sacrifices that need to be done in order to win.'' Amen, brother. Amen. Say whatever you want about his maturity or his hideous jump shot, but the kid is focused, intense, and dedicated to winning. I wish whatever he has would spread through that lineup. In the meantime, the Bulls have stolen the Chicago Cubs' mantra: Wait 'till next year.

Patrick Ewing: From Odenized. You know that fat lip Dwight Howard's sporting these days? It's a little something Ewing likes to call "payback." Still, I figure Stan Van Gundy might prefer if his assistant coach didn't endorse injuries to the team's superstar until after the playoffs.


Isiah Thomas, quote machine: With his team riding a three-game winning streak -- and yes, that's a season-high -- Isiah is all bright eyes and wistful smiles. "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they’re a team now. A little late, but nevertheless." Wow. It took him only four years to make them a real team. Congratulations, Zeke.

Mark Madsen: We had a Mark Madsen signing! He played 4 minutes and had 1 rebound. That's it. Did you know this is Madsen's 8th NBA season? Wow. And I said Kwame Brown was going to be out of the league soon? What was I thinking?! There's obviously always room at the end of an NBA roster for a big, talentless stiff.

Seattle SuperSonics: In the two games they've played since dropping 151 points on the Enver Nuggets, the Sonics have scored 83 (on 38 percent shooting) and 80 (on 36 percent shooting). A few more bricks, and they'll be ready to build their new stadium from scratch!

San Antonio Spurs: Memo to Gregg Popovich: Shaq is not dead quite yet. Pop decided to stick with single coverage on The Big Resurrection, and his team paid the price for it. Shaq scored 8 points in the fourth quarter, including two huge hooks over Tim Duncan that gave the Suns what turned out to be an insurmountable lead over the defending champs.

Matt Bonner: Ugh. Three trillion. You, sir, are a disgrace to the name "Matt." I say you return that name for something for fitting, like maybe "Poindexter" or "Booger."

Bruce Bowen: What? Bowen pulled a move out of his Dirty Player Aresenal especially for his team's game against the Suns? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I can totally believe it.)


Amare Stoudemire: After getting the old atomic elbow from Bowen, Stat tried to go all hombre on him. "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in my rib cage. You know, definitely wasn’t a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn’t appreciate it. So, I let him know about it." Stoudemire is crazy athletic, and he's an amazing scorer. But he is so not a tough guy. Button the lip, Amare, and let Shaq be your hombre, okay?

Shaq: The Big Cactus played well, but he got a little grandiose after the game (as he is wont to do). Said Shaq: "I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created." No offense, Shaq, but you're wrong. The baddest 36-year-old ever created was Karl Malone. Take a look: 25.5 PPG (on 51 percent shooting), 9.5 RPG, 3.7 APG, and -- if you're into advanced stats -- a PER of 27.1 which, according to John Hollinger's handy reference guide, would have made him a "Strong MVP Candidate." Nobody has ever played better at 36. Not even Kareem. (Seriously.)

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Chicago Bulls, Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas, Joakim Noah, New Jersey Nets, Patrick Ewing, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics

Uh, nice...bowtie...or whatever.

Just what in the name of Odin's shaggy beard was Danny Ainge thinking? Let's see: The Boston Celtics are led by a 6'6" All-Star perimeter player. So what does Ainge do? He deals the 5th pick in the draft for a 6'5" All-Star perimeter player. Ray Allen is basically just an older, lamer version of Paul Pierce who, in case you didn't know, is already a Celtic. And he's coming off surgery on both ankles. And he's got three years and $52 million left on his contract. Assuming the C's keep him, he and Pierce are going to account for between $30 and $40 million in cap space over the next three seasons, which drastically limits their ability to add other quality players.

This isn't going to work. It won't. It can't. Allen and Pierce are both quality players, All-Stars even. But they play the same position and do the exact same types of things (mostly firing it up from the outside). Does anybody remember how the 2002-03 Wizards teamed Jerry Stackhouse (a mad bomber) with an aging Michael Jordan (whose creaky knees had transformed him into a fall-away jump shooter)? That didn't work either, unless you consider 37 wins and an early vacation "working." Then again, after a 24-win season that featured an 18-game losing streak, 37 wins would be a pretty significant upswing.

Speaking of moves that made me want to whack my head with something hard, how 'bout those Knicks, huh? On paper, it looks like a great move: they essentially dumped Steve Francis and his bloated contract (two years, $33 million) for a legitimate 20/10 guy. Zach Randolph was, without a doubt, one of the best low post players in the West. But the Knicks already had one of the best low post players in the East. Do Randolph and Eddy Curry really complement each other? Of the Knicks many needs, "second inside scorer" was not among them. Plus, they're not exactly making cap room: Zach has four years and over $60 million left on his current contract.

Let me break this down for you: The Celtics and Knicks, two of the worst teams in the league, both brokered deals that brought them more of what they already had, and at a very high price. I don't get it. Am I the only one who doesn't get it? Did I forget everything I ever knew about basketball overnight? Can anyone explain these moves to me?

And lastly, I have to address my Bullies. They drafted Joakim Noah, supposedly a "steal," with the 9th pick. Again, on the surface it was a great move. Noah's a high-energy player with boundless energy and enthusiasm. He's also a character guy and a proven winner. What he is not is anything remotely resembling what the Bulls actually needed, which was (primarily) a low post scorer and (secondarily) a big guard/small forward who can penetrate and create his own shot. Noah is not a scorer. He can't score inside, nor can he shoot from the outside. Most of the 12 PPG he scored in his Junior season at Florida came on layups and tip-ins. You know, last summer, the Bulls spent $60 million on a guy who could rebound, bang bodies, had a winning history, and couldn't score in an empty gym full of five-foot hoops. His name is Ben Wallace, and he already does all the things Noah is predicted to do.

Seriously, my head hurts.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Danny Ainge, Eddy Curry, Joakim Noah, NBA Draft, New York Knicks, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Zach Randolph