Cavs-Rockets: Looks like the crustaceans didn't manage their lacktators correctly, in a 19 point loss to Clutch The Bear's squad. Tarence Kinsey returned to the bench but is still shaking off the devestating effects of his starting stint, reflexively aiming for the net and sadly succeeding with a field goal that negated a brick-and-foul special.About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson (UPDATE: Go America! Tevatron, represent!), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson was baked by a board, cooking away a one-brick performance. Thus Mike Brown lacktivated JJ Hickson for an unremarkable +1 (foul) in 4:03 - and when the Crabs have to rely on their third-in-command off the sand, it's not surprising that Houston cracked them on the scoreboard.
Truly Bawful.The Chicago Bulls: Well, I'll give the Bulls this much: They didn't allow Devin Harris beat them with a 60-foot miracle shot as time expired. Instead, they let Harris shoot them down by scoring 19 of his 42 points in the fourth quarter. Devin shot 7-for-9 from the field, and four of those makes were layups of the "Hot damn he just blew by his guy!" variety. It was like Dr. Horrible zapped the Bulls with his Freeze Ray. (It's not a Death Ray. Or an Ice Beam...that's all "Johnny Snow.") Not that Chicago's problems were all on the defensive end. They entered the fourth with a 4-point lead, then proceeded to miss 10 of their first 11 field goal attempts and ended up shooting 7-for-25 for the quarter.
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a layup
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic offensive rebound
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a 3-foot jumper in the lane
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic offensive rebound
2:36 IND - Team rebound
2:20 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a 17-foot jumper along the right baseline
2:18 MEM - M. Conley defensive rebound
Memo to Nesterovic: if you missed a 3-foot jumper, you will miss a 17-foot
Magic-Knicks: New York's starting big man Jared Jeffries blocked one shot in 17:27 to avoid a staggering suck differential, but still provided so little of benefit to his statline that he ended up with a true Voskuhl of 5:0, his five fouls being rated against one brick from downtown. Jazz-Wolves: Jarron Collins took a board in an attempt to hide from the lacktion ledger, but his Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in 4:56 (via foul) after a brick keeps him firmly in the lacktator's limelight. (And, somehow, the Worldwide Leader refuses to acknowledge this negative performance, according to their boxscore which assigned Jarron a DNP-CD.)Kobe Bryant: Mamba lured Luke Walton and Adam Morrison in the Lakers locker room by telling them he was starting a "secret team." Once they were alone, Kobe said: "Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for aggressive...expansion. So, which of our fine gentlemen would like to join the team? Oh! There's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have [breaks a cue stick in half]...tryouts. [Throws one half in between Luke and Adam] Make it fast."
Bucks-Mavs: Joe Alexander - Milwaukee's most recent first-round draft pick -- gave up the rock once and took three fouls for +4 in 5:14.
Blazers-Spurs: Malik Hairston and Pops Mensah-Bonsu can now put on overalls and eat spaghetti together, as 34-second Mario Brothers for Greg Popovich! Pops, in his first NBA start this season, managed to string together a board in his unextended stint.
Hawks-Nuggets: Atlanta's Solomon Jones doesn't have to call his broker tonight, as a near six-and-a-half trillion was reduced to a mere +1 suck differential (in 6:33) due to a foul.
Bobcats-Kings: The Bobcats lacktivated Alex Ajinca off the bench, and he head-butted the question marks out of the way by nearly collecting a trillion in gold coins. Nearly, that is, because he instead tossed up a building block and once offered the leather sphere as a gift to the purple paupers. And because by skipping out on three extra seconds on the Arco Arena floor, he earned himself a 57 second Mario! That powerup mushroom also entitled him to a 1:0 Voskuhl, though he wasn't the only one honoring the centerpiece of Toronto's Little Three, as DeSagana Diop racked a Voskuhl of his own in 9:38, getting a ratio of 3:2 (three fouls against two rebounds and two bricks).
Celtics-Clippers: Emboldened by the recent need for a human victory cigar, Mike Dunleavy Sr. forgot that you need to be actually sure of a win before bringing one of those out. So in the midst of a nailbiter against the defending champs of the Association, Mike Taylor went to Staples and brought home a 15-second Mario! But that wasn't the end of the story.
Five seconds left in the game, TAYLOR GETS BACK OUT ON THE COURT! As his Mario gets more precious seconds added to it...the Clippers hang on for a dramatic win! So was Dunleavy clairvoyant...or, did he just fall plain into dumb luck? Actually, that's a rhetorical question.
A few revenge games: Diaw: 10 of 12 for 27 points to go with 10 rebounds and 6 assists. Bell: 9 of 14 for 23 points, 3 rebounds, 3 assists. J-Rich: started slow but had 20 points on 10 FGA to go with 3 rebounds and 3 assists. But, he fouled out. Still pretty efficient. Doesn't really quality as a "revenge game", but Dudley had 2 point, 4 boards, an assist, and 2 steals.Lacktion report: Take it away, Chris...
WoTN nomination to Emeka Okafor. I'm not sure he ever passed the ball back out (0 assists); he spent the whole game in foul trouble and was pretty much schooled by Shaq.
I also wanted to nominate Terry Porter for a developing "worst of" situation: Goran Dragic has improved rapidly since Gentry took over. He is playing with much more confidence, shoots the ball more, doesn't dribble into as many worthless situations. Gentry is treating him differently than Porter did, and it seems to be helping him develop.
On the other hand, SSOL is to the NBA what the spread offense is to college football. It lets mediocre players put up stellar numbers. However, Dragic is a rookie, and now we'll get to see how he develops.
Additionally, the broadcasters commented early on that Bell and Diaw were happier in Charlotte. Which shouldn't be true, considering Charlotte is 10 games worse than Phoenix. So, I'm not sure what Porter was doing, but the amount of player discontent would be incredibly disturbing to me, and if I were a general manager looking for a head coach, I would steer clear of Porter.
Grizzlies-Cavs: With this game pretty much decided at the opening tipoff, Adonal Foyle - who the Warriors chose 8th overall in the 1997 draft - walked on the court for Memphis and delivered a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul-and-nothing-else in 2:59, also good enough for a +1. The crustacean clique has seen a major personnel shift as of late, with Tarence Kinsey having to say goodbye to his life as a lacktator these days, coming out of his shell to be a starter tonight. Confused by his All-Lacktion teammate's transition, Darnell Jackson also provided contributory basketball, forcing King Crab and Mike Brown to crown Trey Johnson as the royal landfill crawler. Johnson skillfully managed garbage time by clenching out a +1 in 1:33 via foul.Kobe Bryant: Mamba handed Adam Morrison a huge laundry bag full of dirty jock straps along with instructions to wash them by hand. Adam dutifully complied, but when he tried to return them, Kobe said: "Huh? You can do whatever with 'em. I don't even know who they belong to."
Pistons-Heat: In 1:41, Detroit's Amir Johnson merely milled two fouls for a +2. Joel Anthony for Miami continues his consistency in creating lacktivity with a one-foul +1 in 3:22, which also counted for a Madsen-level Voskul of 1:0.
Lakers-Thunder: Clay Bennett believes that greed is good. So he must be relieved that the Tyson Chandler trade didn't go through, as the focal point of the deal - an aging Joe Smith, another mid-90s Warriors first-rounder -- pilfered a freshly shrinkwrapped copy of WiiFit off the shelves tonight with a 14-second Mario! (Interestingly, like Dikembe Mutombo's Mario from a few weeks ago, ESPN disagrees and claims on its box score that this never happened! Bias against elderly lacktators from the Worldwide Leader?!)
Mavs-Spurs: Devean George and Matt Carroll have kept Dallas in the lacktion reports the same way Mark Cuban keeps his big ego in front of the cameras over the years, and this game at AT&T Center was no exception. George probably has a good view of the Alamo by now, due to two bricks coming from downtown; couple that with two fouls and that produces +4 in 10:08. Carroll's statline made him look like a Mini-Me compared to Devean, with half-sized numbers -- 5:12 on the floor, with one foul and one missed shot each for +2. Teammate Erick Dampier downright delivered as well by managing a slight 4:3 Voskuhl in 8:59 (one foul and three turnovers against one rebound and made field goal each), more impressive considering Dampier's role as a starter!
Pacers-Knicks: In 27:49, Indiana's Jeff Foster racked up a slight Voskuhl at 10:9 -- 5 each of fouls and turnovers against 6 rebounds and 1 made field goal from behind the arc.Adriana Lima: It's official. She...
Hawks-Jazz: Jarron Collins and Ronnie Price provided Jerry Sloan some synchronized lacktion with one-brick +1 suck differentials in 4:03. Price however made sure to stylishly play the role of human victory cigar, making his one miss come from downtown.
Celtics-Nuggets: J.R. Giddens learned tonight that to be a star lacktator, one must learn from the best. Too much enthusiasm from his career-starting trillion encouraged this human victory cigar to start aiming for the basket, resulting in the rookie actually scoring more points tonight than fellow Celtic Kendrick Perkins! Giddens's giddiness contrasted starkly with Sonny Weems stoically solidifying his place on the All-Lacktion team via a single brick for +1 in 4:33.
Hornets-Kings: Cedric Simmons's acquisition by the purple paupers signaled a new urgency in the potato suck race to a #1 draft pick, and his +1 via brick in 5:50 no doubt will boost the cause. On the other hand, bawful poet laureate Rashad McCants hustled his way out of a double-brick performance with a pretentious blocked shot and two assists.
Warriors-Clippers: In the B-Dizzle Revenge Game, Los Angeles's Other Team actually received so many points through the efensive approach of Nellieball that Dunleavy and Sterling were able to put out a human victory cigar for a rare moment! Mike Taylor can now be played by Bob Hoskins in a sparsely-attended feature film, after posting a 21 second Mario on the board with a foul.
Magic-Bobcats: Juwan Howard may share the same first initial and last name as Josh Howard, but unlike Josh, he has faded into the smoky haze of lacktivity. Tonight Juwan gave Charlotte 2:43 of non-contribution with a suck differential of +2 via brick and foul.
Kings-Grizzlies: The purple paupers may have sent ex-trillionaire champion John Salmons to Chicago, but the Maloofs' commitment to non-excellence continues with Kenny Thomas's stint at the FedEx Forum, 5:12 of nothingness with a brick-and-foul +2.
Mavs-Rockets: Mark Cuban's most known for his ability to become extraordinarily wealthy in the tech boom, so it should come as no surprise that he has an eye for burgeoning innovations. Tonight, he put his support behind a motion-sensing wireless controller, by having Matt Carroll earn a 24-second Mario! Ryan Hollins also brought Dallas a slight Voskuhl of 4:3 (4 fouls and 1 giveaway against 3 rebounds and three bricks, two of them misses from the charity stripe!) in a stint of 10:21.
Pacers-Wolves: Josh McRoberts was actually very contributory in a 26-second Mario for Indiana, managing one made field goal and one offensive board.
Nuggets-Bulls: On the same day that tony.bluntana nominated Sonny Weems as an All-Lacktion selection, he showed the world exactly why he was a prudent choice to be recognized, earning some decent bling with a 1.25 trillion! But he wasn't the only rich man on the evening, with 1.1 trillion going to one of Bill Simmons' favorites, Lindsey Hunter of the Bulls. Hunter's teammate Aaron Gray earned a bit of a Voskuhl in his 18:58 of playing time off the bench, taking 5 fouls and giving the rock to Denver twice against 2 made field goals and 2 rebounds for a ratio of 7:6.
Cavs-Bucks: In Tarence Kinsey's absence, fellow All-Lacktion candidate Darnell Jackson has kept his claws sharp to pinch out some small stints of insignifance for the Crabs, tonight fouling once for +1 in 2:10. Milwaukee's Malik Allen wanted in on the fun of forgettability and found himself a one-time bricklayer for +1 in 4:39.
Hawks-Blazers: Mario West's career so far has already put him on the fast track to the Lacktion Hall of Lame, and 31 seconds was short enough of a Mario to impress Princess Peach with his namesake stat! However, Ms. Peach probably then started flirting with Portland's Michael Ruffin, who got himself a 17 second Mario of his own. Mario West's compatriot on the Atlanta bench, Zaza Pachulia, earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl in 14:58 with a foul and turnover against one rebound and a brick for a ratio of 2:1.
Sixers-Heat: Royal Ivey slumped into contributory basketball lately, precluding a candidacy to All-Lacktion status...but made up for that slight nicely with a three-brick special in 13:30 for +3, including two building blocks from downtown. On the other hand, Joel Anthony justified his selection to the squad of star sleepers with a +1 (foul) in 3:50 for Miami, which also represented a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.
Hornets-Jazz: Melvin Ely -- a former Clippers' 1st-rounder -- gave up the rock and took a foul for +2 in 4:06 for the bayou insects, good for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. All-Lacktion candidate Jarron Collins nearly put his Stanford education into good use, edging close to a four trillion, only to get a rejection and miss a shot for +2 in 3:59, providing his own 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl as well!
Thunder-Warriors: In a battle of truly efensive basketball (where the Warriors never scored fewer than 31 in a quarter), Nenad Krstic avoided rebounding in 13:08 for a Voskuhl of 5:2 (four fouls and one giveaway against one made field goal in two attempts), proving he is a man possessed to give Clay Bennett some love in the lacktion report!
Celtics-Suns: With Patrick O'Bryant being sent off to Toronto to form the Little Three of Lacktivity, the Celtics appeared to be shying away from having an extra human victory cigar on hand, an early analysis bolstered by KG's ankle problems. Yet this monumental trade (which assembled a force not to be reckoned with for the Craptors) may have taken place because of a hidden gem up Danny Ainge's sleeve! J.R. Giddens, the 2008 first-round pick for the Celtics, was recently recalled from Boston's D-League affiliate (the Utah Flash!) and wasted no time making a non-impact by beginning a wealthy career in the Association with a nationally televised 1.4 trillion cashout! This impressive debut no doubt will put him in the running for the lacktator rookie of the year award, as an even stronger stat line of snooze than Nathan Jawai's first NBA minutes! And Gabe Pruitt stepped up to the plate in a bigger role of boredom for Boston by bricking a three and giving Phoenix the rock for a +2 suck differential in 5:19.
Solar power however wasn't exempt from the ledger today as Alando Tucker and Courtney Sims spent 1:59 on the court together, each putting out a +1 via turnover in an interesting example of synchronized lacktion. Courtney's turnover also guaranteed him a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.
Bobcats-Rockets: Dikembe Mutumbo's days as a defensive force in the Association are long gone, but that doesn't mean he can't be recycled as a human victory cigar, smoking out a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:1 (2 giveaways and a singular foul against 1 rebound) in his failtacular 4:12 on the hardwood.
Nuggets-Bucks: Eddie Gill got to enjoy a new privilege tonight at the M.A.S.H. Unit: a dusty old Famicom to pass the time during his inpatient stay, with a 54 second Mario!
Heat-Magic: Sure, D-Wade's 50 points took the headlines, but hidden underneath that performance was another semi-notable storyline: the failure of Joel Anthony to produce any meaningless lacktion, ruining a three-foul run with productivity on the glass and successful defense. Thus their Miami teammate Jamaal Magloire had to do the not-so-dirty work in garbage time, cleanly spending 3:31 on the floor with a foul and missed shot for +2 (which also counted as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!). Orlando's Jeremy Richardson gave the home team their human victory cigar, missing his only shot attempt for +1 in 1:38.
Lakers-Wolves: DJ Mbenga got in the way of a shot the same way he recently served as an obstacle to Chris Mihm's fist. This block denied him a suck differential. However, with no boards or shot attempts, his 3:08 at the Target Center punched his ticket into the world of mediocrity with a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul.
Pistons-Cavs: With 4:12 left in the nationally televised late game, JJ Hickson was crawling nicely into an on-court coma when he attempted to ruin it with a basket - only to accrue a suck-saving 24 second violation! Then he threw the rock at Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson who nervously came close to an assist; Jackson smartly aimed for the rim to prevent Hickson from pinching out a productive statistic.
Unfortunately, a minute or two later, Hickson then grabbed the ball from the rim for a debilitating offensive board, boiling out any last chance at non-notability. Compounding the disappointment was the ultimate stat curse: The ESPN commentators mentioned the fans' free taco excitement (with Cleveland at 99 points) on the last possession RIGHT before Mike Brown ordered Hickson to deny the crustacean crowd their reimbursable dinner. With this extended lacktivity lost, the Crabs looked down the bench and luckily located Lorenzen Wright, whose undersea exploration unlocked a treasure chest of 2.4 trillion as the game ended!
Labels: Worst of the Weekend
Celtics-Jazz: Brevin Knight may have given the Jazz a sold +3 in a full 8:03 via brick, foul, and misplacing the rock into the hands of a Boston player...but Jerry Sloan's commitment to Nintendo technology has increased, with Ronnie Price's 4-second Super Mario providing an upgrade to the 16-bit era!Jason Williams: The rotting carcass once known as White Chocolate has reached a bony claw from behind the black veil of death to request immediate reinstatement into the NBA. According to an internal league memo. Apparently some dark necromancer noticed that certain teams (such as the Celtics and Rockets) were scrambling around for point guard help and thought: "Teams are seriously considering Stephon Marbury? A cadaver would be a better option at the point. And I'm gonna prove it..."
And while many point to the non-retention of James Posey as one potential reason for the Celtics being just a little bit less of a sure thing to repeat...the trade that sent Patrick O'Bryant to the stone age of bawful in Toronto proves that Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge don't think that this year's team is worthy of multiple human victory cigars, especially with Scalabrine starting to sop up actual productive minutes against his previous championship-winning lacktivity.
(BTW...O'Bryant, Jawai, and Voskuhl: Will they become Toronto's "Little Three" of the lacktator ranks for months to come? Stay tuned! I guess the next step for them is a cheesy public access sports recap show commercial, followed by a preschool paegant-level ad promoting a lemonade stand. AND YES -- one local piece on the trade has already mentioned the three experts at non-contribution as "competing" for a job! Certainly O'Bryant's previous experience as human victory cigar won't be much of an advantage north of the border.)