Welcome to Worst of the Night: What I watched/What I expected/What I got -- NBA edition! The concept is simple: If a picture is worth a thousand words, then three pictures and some glib comments can sufficiently describe the bawful. Lets get this party started.

What I watched: Cleveland Cavaliers at Houston Rockets.
What I expected: Can Artest defend LeBron? TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Von "I'm not a German cookie" Wafer stealing the show. Oh, and Cleveland's bawful failure at stopping Yao (28-8 on 13-15 shooting), leading to a 93-74 loss.

(DVD Bonus!: The original picture for the third frame was Footbawful's "Potato Sack Party" with the word "suck" photoshop'd on all the sacks, until I realized how wrong it looked and would probably get me busted by Chris Hansen.)

What a complete brickfest devoid of basketball. The Craboliers went 3-17 (17%) and the Kneeless Houstonians made just 5-18 (28%). The first two possessions of the game were traveling, traveling. It was almost as if the officials wanted to set the tone for a certain crustacean of ours...

The Ohioan King Crab led the brick-laying masonry, cooked by three early fouls, including two charges, Yao in the paint, and the Artest/Battier combo getting their hands on his carapace. He finished with 21-1-0 on 7-for-21 shooting, and a complete smother chicken in the 4th courtesy of C-3PYao. James promptly limped off the floor from the resulting ego-ectomy, which is unfortunately bitter since earlier, teammate Ben Wallace continued playing with a broken leg for a quarter before finally getting crutches.

Artest explained his views of defending LeBron in a TNT interview: "The only, the only difference between LeBron, he's just so much more athletic than what I am. He reminds me of uhh, of a new improve, uh, you know a new improved Ron Artest" Oh Ron. Just when I thought you couldn't leave me speechless ever again. And talking in fragmented. Sentences.

Didn't even blink. Violet Palmer delivers inconsistency with Tim Duncan-esque consistency. Other obligatory actions on the night included a Scola vs Varejao face-off that ended with a flop and a LeBron travelling call.

(DVD Bonus!: GIS'ing "Violet Palmer" with SafeSearch off reveals some NSFW pictures of an amateur with the unfortunate same name. It's pretty surreal to see pictures of NBA players and coaches arguing right next to screencaps of a girl deep in "thought".)

What I watched: Phoenix Suns vs Los Angeles Lakers.
What I expected: Kobe and Shaq together again TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Craig Sager with a cross-section of an eyeball teaching us about the retina injuries. Oh, and a basketball game that was done before it even started.

****.

The Suns gave up 70 first-half points, and with too many "I'll play hero and try to fill Nash's shoes" stupid plays and turnovers, I would have been satisfied if the Suns just brought out an actual fence for more effective D.

I was misinformed (but the Internet never lies!) thinking that Barkley was in jail, but turns out Sir Charles will serve five days starting March 21st. It's great to see him back on TV, and I hope he can make it for the 26th's games, because he really makes watching Phoenix's bawful far less turrible.

TNT/Comcast/whoever screwed up: For letting 2+ minutes of video blackout and 7+ minutes worth audio blackout occur during garbage time of the blowout. I'm trying to watch the lacktion here for a blog!

Kobe Bryant: He convinced Luke to download Antivirus 2009, then used the backdoor to spam Luke's computer with popups for pills that can increase his size. And then planted fake love letters from Adam Morrison on his Desktop. And then ate a bunny. Without taters.

Special Thanks: The goons of SomethingAwful and ADTRW, for the current watch/expected/got format.

Lacktion report: A brief lacktion update from Chris:

Cavs-Rockets: Looks like the crustaceans didn't manage their lacktators correctly, in a 19 point loss to Clutch The Bear's squad. Tarence Kinsey returned to the bench but is still shaking off the devestating effects of his starting stint, reflexively aiming for the net and sadly succeeding with a field goal that negated a brick-and-foul special.

Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson was baked by a board, cooking away a one-brick performance. Thus Mike Brown lacktivated JJ Hickson for an unremarkable +1 (foul) in 4:03 - and when the Crabs have to rely on their third-in-command off the sand, it's not surprising that Houston cracked them on the scoreboard.
About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson (UPDATE: Go America! Tevatron, represent!), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

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67 Comments:
Blogger Cubee said...
Haha, this is marvelous.
Keep 'em coming. Please.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I am saddened my work filter blocks imageshack, yet allows flickr. A pre-emptive my bad to those experiencing similar technical difficulties with the post.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Great job, AnacondaHL! I'm digging your choice of format :)

I had to point out a couple things which really jumped out at me from the Crabs' boxscore from last night, namely their field goal percentage and assist total. They shot only 33% from the field, which is truly bawful, and if that wasn't bad enough they finished with only 10 assists (even more bawful). As they pointed out last night, it was also LeBron's first ever game without an assist (I'm guessing the aforementioned 33% shooting had something to do with that).

Since there isn't really much to say about the Lakers-Suns game, instead I'm curious to see what people think about what Sir Charles was saying regarding LeBron and the Crabs and their approach to offense. In case you missed it, essentially he was saying Cleveland needs to speed up their game and that LeBron needs to quit trying to become a distributor and should instead focus on trying to be a finisher. Would LeBron be more effective if he stopped trying to set his teammates up as much and instead had the offense re-worked so that they're more trying to set him up?

Barkley also said that trying to go one on five is not smart basketball, and I'm inclined to agree with him.

OpenID phelan said...
Epic use of the 3-frame meme going 'round. The CLE-HOU game was a nice win for the Rockets, but really, REALLY boring...

Anonymous I'm drinking juice at the moment said...
Love the new idea, keep 'em coming.

Blogger chris said...
That was money, AnacondaHL. Money, I tell you.

I wish I had thought of this in time for one of Tarence Kinsey's non-lacktive monster slams a few weeks ago!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Yams -- Well, I don't think there's any question that Cleveland should be running the ball (especially when Delonte West is healthy). LeBron can still be a distributor, but the whole "LeBron IS the offense" thing is predictable and limiting. It can be stopped. And besides, what happens if, after a few more years of hard fouls, James becomes less effective as a penetrator. What then?

It seems like King Crab's amazing physical gifts have made him somewhat lazy in terms of working on his outside shot and developing go-to moves that don't involve "taking it right to the basket." Isn't that what we've busted on Amare and Dwight Howard for? LeBron doesn't have an offensive arsenal like Kobe, although he seems to think he does, particularly when he has those hot streaks like he did against the Bucks. (And make no mistake, he may have hit those crazy threes, but that was turrible basketball.)

LeBron's awesomeness has also made Mike Brown lazy. Why develop a fully functioning offense when he can just give it to LeBron and watch. Remember: He doesn't want to "overcoach." Seems to me like he gets the Crabs to play pretty wicked defense and then just has the players revolve around LeBron. And hey, that works pretty well most of the time. But those teams that figure out how to play him -- lure him into forcing jumpers, funnel him toward help, get physical with him on his drives -- and have the right defenders to battle him with can really stymie what he does.

And unfortunately for the Crabs and their title hopes, teams like the Lakers and Spurs seem to know all that.

Blogger Cortez said...
"King Crab's amazing physical gifts have made him somewhat lazy in terms of working on his outside shot and developing go-to moves"

I've always wondered...

...what in hell else do they have to do beside work on developing moves? It not as if they are heading down to the ACME factory to put in a double shift.

"LeBron doesn't have an offensive arsenal like Kobe, although he seems to think he does..."

He does have that niffy Crab Dribble though.

BAM!

Blogger Cortez said...
By the way...

Great post. That crab & ball picture was hilarious!

Blogger chris said...
Cortez: Hmm...in King Crab's case, he also has to work on how to tease the marine life of Northeast Ohio via Yankees apparel...

Anonymous AK Dave said...
I think the crab and ball pic should be on the 'Bawful collage at the top of the blog.

Matt- this needs to happen.

Blogger chris said...
AK Dave - Seconded!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
TrueHoop has a piece up about how according to the Rockets' GM LeBron is totally unstoppable which then explains how Houston stopped him. IMO, calling LeBron unstoppable is being overly generous, simply because he hasn't worked on the rest of his offense, like Mr. Bawful says: 'go-to moves that don't involve "taking it right to the basket,"' and last night's Rockets' game shows why this is. To quote TrueHoop: "LeBron's struggles from long-range are no secret: James is a .313 shooter from beyond the arc, and he's not all that potent on two-point jumpers either -- just .379. Where he's lethal is from inside, where he shoots .715. On the drive, well, pick your poison."

LeBron clearly is an incredibly dominant force on offense, and if he never adds anything to his game he'll continue to be dominant. However, since no one else on his team is that great offensively, and since Mike Brown refuses to try to implement any kind of offense that better shares the scoring load, currently the way to stop Cleveland is to just pack in the middle, cut off LeBron's lanes to the rim, and make him shoot it from distance. Most teams in the league can't do this, but Houston, Boston, San Antonio and the Lakers have proven that they can.

Mr. Bawful, I agree with you that just because a player hits a bunch of low percentage, crazy threes doesn't make them smart shots. LeBron seems to be following in Kobe's footsteps in that department, in having too much confidence in his shot to think he can just bomb away from anywhere and score like that. Note that while Kobe arguably has more success doing this than LeBron does, it's equally stupid when Kobe does it; but to Kobe's credit, he's doing it a lot less now than he used to.

All this is what is holding Cleveland back from being a real serious title contender, IMO. Either Mike Brown needs to change the offense or LeBron needs to expand his arsenal of offensive weapons. Probably both need to change for Cleveland to win it all. Some better personnel wouldn't hurt either.

Blogger chris said...
Lame: Bill Simmons thinks that if the Maloofs' ever leave Sactown, it's A-OK because they "were stolen from Kansas City" -

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090227

Uh, arena sports failed at Kemper, not the other way around. (The poor attendence here probably has more to do with the dismantling in the post-Webber era than just bad economy.) Not to mention that, hey, while we're at it, why don't we just move them back to Rochester then? :P

Blogger Cortez said...
"I think the crab and ball pic should be on the 'Bawful collage at the top of the blog."

I second that motion.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
AnacondaHL/Basketbawful:

I have to say I've really enjoyed the "kung-fu fighting" posts. Perhaps you could make these posts a subsection (along with the man-love and words of the day) that could easily be browsed? Also, AnacondaHL, would it be too much to ask for you to retro-actively photoshop Kobe's M. Bison scissor kick to include the silly hat and boots? Similarly, you could doctor up Mike Bibby's hurricane kick :D

Just some thoughts. Great post today- this blog keeps getting better, I swear.

Blogger Silly Bitch said...
"I think the crab and ball pic should be on the 'Bawful collage at the top of the blog."

can i fourth, fifth and sixth that? YOMANK!! i can't control the laughter... people are staring.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I actually like Bill Simmons, but he's completely off the rocker on this one. A better analogy would be like, the Oakland Raiders hiring Art Shell again. What makes you think it'll work this time around? And he wouldn't have inadvertantely compared his wife to Kansas City.

I give my consenting permission to use the photo. Right inbetween Walker/Starbury or in front of Artest would be perfect.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Thank you so much for royally providing us a crab coronation here at Bawful!

Simmons is hit-or-miss to me - some of his stuff I like, some of it like this just demands facepalm action. Ugh. So, let's feel sorry for Seattle, but not Sacramento? Sacramento's connection to its team was very deep from the start until the Maloofs started alienating the fans with their greedy arena demands; and that connection has always been much more than Kansas City (and Omaha LOL) ever had.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
The worst part of the Suns game: The fact that they got it down to 11 at one point in the (second, third? both?) game, and then turned the ball over/ took turrrrrible shots three to four straight trips down the floor, leading to the lead getting back up to twenty.

I like their chances better than before, however, because they actually competed without Amare and Nash.

Blogger Andrei said...
Well not only did Simmons compare his wife to Kansas City, he also went on about stuffing her face with cabbage patch kids. Good domestic move dong bag. Also, he rages about the poor officiating in the league as a huge problem while providing two examples of how the Celtics bumbled away two games. I'll admit that the officiating in the league leaves much to be desired, but it is no worse than it's ever been. Besides, after watching college basketball in the last few days, I'm left refreshed and optimistic about the state of NBA officiating.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Cortez -- Dude, they have to hang with their posse and find new baby mommas. Oh, and they may MAKE a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money. Speaking of which, I'm reading a preview copy of a new Larry Bird/Magic Johnson book that's coming out soon, and when he was in college Magic did an interview with Sports Illustrated in which he said one of his favorite hobbies was "spending money." But I'm sure Magic wasn't getting any kickbacks or anything...that would have violated NCAA rules!

AK Dave/chris/Cortez/Silly Bitch -- The people have been heard. I'll look into having the header updated.

Wild Yams -- The crazy thing is, the Crabs may still BE a serious contender despite the seemingly obvious flaws. Wild. Also, regarding Kobe, I've noticed there seems to be a direct correlation between how well the Lakers are playing on a given night and the number of crazy-stupid shots Kobe takes. If they're playing well, and things are clicking offensively, and they're blasting an opponent, he's frighteningly efficient...mostly 'cause he plays within the offense. But if the offense bogs down and a team is challenging them, he goes all "Mamba" and tries to improvise his own "offense," which typically includes threes from way out and wild drives that often end in insane, cartwheeling circus shots (during which he will invariably flail wildly to draw contact and a whistle).

chris -- Simmons can be a real idiot. Although I have to say, the rest of that article scared the bejeesus out of me. I hate all the "the ecomony is going to hell and the sky is falling!" articles, and I use sports (as many people do) to escape that. Thanks for reminding me, Bill. Although it did point me to an interesting article about the marketing tactics the Bulls are using to fill seats. It specifically noted that competitive success is the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard and that Chicago therefore is still suffering from the post-Jordan lack of success. And that kind of provides perspective into Jerry Reinsdorf just out of the blue blasting the team for not winning more games -- like that was a surprise, what with a rookie PG and rookie head coach -- and Vinny Del Negro mysteriously benching his young up-and-comers in the fourth quarter of tight games in favor of battle-tested vets. "Win now" seems to be more important in Chicago than "develop our talent to win later."

AK Dave -- If I can find or people submit more kung fu fighting posts, I will make it a regular thing, complete with photoshopping. You heard it people: Start getting me images!

Silly Bitch -- If you keep reading Basketbawful, people will keep staring. Comes with the territory. And hey, you never looked me up when you were in Chicago, you Silly Bitch. For shame. BTW, does it go without saying that you crazy bastards (or silly beyotches) need to let me know when you come to Chicago?

AnacondaHL -- I approve your placement. Like I said, I'll get on it.

Buck Nasty -- Dude, even when they got it down to 11, I knew what would happen was going to happen. Jack McCallum once wrote that some games are blowout losses before they ever happen, and that game was one of them.

Andrei -- I'll be honest, I don't get the chance to follow much college ball. What's been going on with the officiating?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
AK Dave: That door opens towards a dark dangerous path. As I already found out Feb 11th, when initially brainstorming the SF/NBA crossover list. But really, thanks for getting me to think about choppin' Allen Iverson/Chun-li and Steve Nash/Cammy mashups again. Jerk.

Blogger Andrei said...
I don't think there's any crazy story about officiating, it was just a general comment. I don't typically watch the games unless they involve teams that I care about (Maryland & Washington), but the games I've seen this week lacked any sort of consistency in the calls. The decision of how much contact under the basket warrants a foul appears to be completely arbitrary from possession to possession. Also, I've seen 3 or 4 offensive fouls called this week after the ball has been shot. I understand making a call if the offensive player is using an elbow or hand to shove the defender away to get room for the shot, or barreling into a defender out of control; but if you take a shot and someone sidles up under you and gives no room for you to land, how do you make that call? Sorry, rant over.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
I still think E. Honda should be Shaq...

And sorry for dredging up those horrible thoughts- these should make it all better

Happy Friday, people

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Bill probably went this route as a result of the resulting despair of his team potentially being Starburied six feet under! Then again, and a bit OT - while the NHL has some struggling franchises, several cities right now (Philly, Washington, Chicago) are seeing their NHL teams outdraw the Association squads. Ouch. (So one can argue that Elton Brand's attempt to Starbury the Sixers into a grave of irrelevance has had a more dramatic effect on attendance than say Starbury's own hack job on the Garden.)

And now that I see the rest of your post...yeah...the Bulls' middling state isn't helping them compete at the gate against the revitalized Blackhawks at all.

As for "blowout losses before they happen"...textbook examples of scalpers' nights off! Though as I speak (trying to score a ticket to the bawful Clippers-Kings matchup tonight at Arco), the Maloofs really think they can sell front row seats for a Kings game against the Dunleavy Doofuses at $965. No joke.

Anonymous Chuck's Momma said...
Hm... i thought Kenny Smith and Chuck were pretty awful in the pregame show on TNT, too.

Just watch the pregame show

They basically denied the possibility of stopping Lebron, laughing at the notion that Shane Battier's gameplan could do anything.
We're not Experts, we're Analysts!

Blogger chris said...
In the name of bawful field research...I will be at Arco Arena tonight attending a matchup of non-epic proportions! Dunleavy vs. Natt, Davis vs. McCants, desperate commentators vs. masonry experts! The NBA: Where Lacktion Happens!

Sadly, Cheikh Samb is no longer on the Clips so he won't be there. :(

Blogger DDC said...
I love this blog. Good basketball analysis, good laughs & getting more awesome daily. I wanted to add some analysis of my own, but you all have killed it today!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Easter Egg Alert!! If anybody wants to see what happens when someone suggests that Shawn Kemp is better than my beloved Karl Malone, go here.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Man, that Simmons article really was scary. I do think though that the NBA clearly needs to change a lot of the business side of things to become more manageable. I thin the league definitely grew too fast (too many teams where they can't really be supported), and everyone was too greedy (owners and players) and now the NBA is like a stock in the late 90s with everything being overvalued. There's got to be a correction, and hopefully the Players Union is smart enough to realize this and won't have to go through another lockout to realize that they're gonna have to take paycuts and limit the lengths of guaranteed contracts. The reality is that all the money players are making is really ruining some of those players (Simmons example of McGrady was dead on). People who are already set for life just aren't going to try as hard, that's a fact. Sure, some guys are motivated by their ego as well and want a "legacy" or are just ultra competitive and the money doesn't hurt their play on the floor, but for a lot of players it does. I say, make em earn it more.

An aside here: someone should tell Simmons that his griping about the officiating will carry more weight when he uses examples that didn't go against the team he's a huge homer for. He really can sound like some of the whinier commenters over on Celticsblog.com sometimes. Honestly, how can complain that the refs screwed you out of beating the Clippers and have any respect for yourself? If you haven't given yourself more than a one point cushion against the Clippers (when they're missing Al Thorton, btw) in 47 minutes of play, you give up any rights to complain about perceived injustices in that last minute of the game. Same thing goes if you let Zach Randolph beat you with an offensive rebound.

Blogger Hillsolo said...
Well, it's offical now, Marbury goes to the Knicks, which is one of the two reasons I hate the Celtics even more, the other reason is the existance of ET of basketbawful.

I really thought bawful would have a whole section just to cover this Marbury character, but I guess bawful feels it's not really necessary.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Yams -- Success has doomed or severely damaged many a business, and the NBA is no exception. I've thought for a while that the league's biggest problem is the long-term, guaranteed contract for ginormous sums of money. I sincerely doubt the Player's Union will accept the seriousness of their predicament until we've lost a significant portion of one or more seasons. It's gonna smart, and I guess that we, as fans, need to be prepared for it.

The thing about Simmons is he can turn a single (and often spurious) anecdote into ABJECT PROOF [!!] that this or that is this or that way, case closed, no further proof necessary. I would also guess that the sheer amount of research he obviously had to do for the rest of his article limited the amount of time he had to potentially come up with better anti-ref material...and so the best he could do was that lame "Wah! The refs stole one from the Celts!" thing. I agree with you: After hammering the Suns and Nuggets, there was no reason whatsoever for that game to come down to the final seconds. They're the Clippers. Now if the same thing happened against the Lakers I'd be PISSED... ;)

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Hillsolo -- First off, your hatred of ET has actually become a running joke between us, so that when something goes wrong for him he says, "I bet Hillsolo is behind this." So thanks for that.

If you go back a few posts, you'll notice that the day after the Clips beat Boston, I said: "It seems fitting somehow that on a day in which the latest batch of Marbury-to-Boston rumors dominated the headlines, the Celtics -- without Kevin Garnett (muscle strain in his right knee) and Brian Scalabrine (neck injury) -- lost to the Los Angeles Clippers. The loss itself was highlighted by Paul Pierce dislocating his right thumb in the third quarter and then again in the fourth, while Gabe Pruitt's arrest for DUI -- in Hollywood, after 3 a.m. -- served as a dark epilogue. So can we all just agree that The Marbury Effect goes beyond basketball and is bordering on the supernatural? The last time everybody started talking about Marbury becoming a Celtic, the team lost seven times in nine games. Now they're losing to the Clippers while stars are getting injured and a petty roleplayer is acting the fool. Starbury is walking chaos, a shadow of doom to everything he touches...nay, everything he looks at or is even associated with in passing. If Danny Ainge signs him, this season will not end well for the Celtics. Mark my words."

That's a start. I'm sure there will be more to come.

Blogger stephanie g said...
I enjoyed the crab photoshops. I'm not sure if it should be moved into the banner, but hey, whatever pleases the people.

I like how Detroit is having all these nationally televised games lately. Slow motion train wrecks are awesome!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful, I really hope you're wrong about the intelligence of the Players Union, but then again, the Players Union is not known for its foresight or empathy for the owners. I'm bracing for the worst.

Back to Simmons and his griping about the refs... You may be right that he spent too much time researching everything else to fully fill out his section on poor officiating, but then IMO he should either have omitted that section or said something like "Poor officiating - I've got more to say on this and will leave it for its own column."

As a fan I really, really hate when people gripe about the refs, especially as an excuse for why their team lost. There are good calls and bad calls throughout a game, and every point scored is just as important as the ones in the last minute are. As such, like I said, if you play like crap all game long against one of the league's worst teams, quit looking to blame anyone else. Also (in reference to the Garnett foul out in that Laker game), when your defensive specialist essentially teaches your team how to foul without getting caught, don't get upset if the refs actually whistle you for some fouls. When your strategy against the opponent is to out-muscle and intimidate them through physical play, don't be upset if players get in foul trouble or the other team gets a lot of free throws.

Great players occasionally foul out, even in really important games. This is not a new phenomenon in the league this year (or just recently) and it's not something that only plagues the Celtics and/or teams that are playing the Lakers. LA in fact lost a game not too long ago to Charlotte in which Kobe Bryant fouled out in overtime for bumping a guy as he dribbled past him. Was it ticky-tack considering it happened in OT and it fouled Kobe out? Yes, but Kobe deserves full blame for putting himself in a situation where a ref could make that call. I felt the same way when Danny Granger fouled out against the Lakers in their last meeting too: if you've got 5 fouls and you're crucial to your team's success don't just assume the refs will let you get away with stuff. Minor contact is still contact and you never know what angle a ref may have on any particular play. And if you really don't want to run that risk, then don't commit the five fouls you did earlier in the game!

IMO if there is a problem with the officiating of the games, it's not just that some refs aren't very good. It has to do with what the actual rules of the game are and how the refs are instructed to call games. It has to do with the league itself, not Bennett Salvatore.

Blogger chris said...
Wild Yams: In most sports labor disputes, it's really hard to be sympathetic for anyone...for every Starbury or Boozer there's a Bennett or Maloof. Yuck.

Blogger Latin_D said...
AnacondaHL, this was a great, great post. Enjoyed it thoroughly. Thanks.

Remember that article claiming that Battier was an overlooked great defender, and the most efficient player in the Rockets? Well, he sure looked the part last night when he defended BronBron. I can't wait for the next Lakers/Rockets game, and see if Kobe tries to destroy him.

Blogger Hillsolo said...
LOL... bawful, I did read that post of yours, your unique and facetious vision and remarks are well envious by me. I'm totally ashamed of myself that I was actually a Marbury fun about 5 or 6 years ago, I was unbelievably rapturous when he was traded to Phoenix to play Penny Hardaway. That was the reason why I followed his news closely. Then I decided the dude never grew up properly.
BTW, where is ET? He hasn't posted for a while (which I wish he never does again), my best guess is either he's still locking himself in the basement staring at Clip-Boston box score with a twitching eye and shaky hand, or he's ultra-hyper about the sign of Marbury.

Blogger Latin_D said...
By the way, taters was good, but this one is much better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY

And this vid wins the Internet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU

Ahem. Back to basketball.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
That Simmons article just terrified me. He wen t a bit off there but I really can't blame him. A lockout??? I simply can't imagine not having basketball. When football is over, I'll be done. I cannot stand baseball or hockey

but kudos on the WOTN. Very entertaining

Blogger Drake said...
Sorry, 'bawful. I gotta agree with Supersonicsoul on this one - Kemp was better than Malone. True, neither won a championship, but only one managed to scare the bejeezus out of the other team because they had nobody to guard him. I'll clue you in - it wasn't Malone.

I respected you when you decided to pull the rug under the Hollinger's PER usage in determining the best players in last year's terrible Cleveland-Chicago trade. And you follow it up by.....using PER in your supporting your assertion that Malone was better.

Here's my theory on this: players can put up all the great stats they want over the regular season or their career. And Malone was certainly adept at that, being second only to Kareem in career points. Who knows about Kemp - his career was cut short by that stupid McIlvaine deal as well as approximately 3 tons of Krispey Kremes. But I doubt he would have put up the consistent numbers like Malone did over almost 20 years.

BUT....when the chips are on the line, only one thing separates the truly, truly great players from the mere stat-mongers out there - the ability to win a championship. And if you don't win a championship, whether because you have crappy teammates or whatever, at least fight to the bloody death in the playoffs - think Bernard King and the Knicks in the 80's.

Kemp was a completely unstoppable force in the playoffs that just happened to run into MJ, Pippen and the Bulls. Whenever I think of Malone in the playoffs or Finals, I think of:
- missed free throws left and right
- getting the ball stolen by MJ while keeling over
- being effectively guarded by Luc Longley of all people, and being forced into contested jumpshots from the top of the key. Sure, the Aussie was an underrated defender, but jeez - C'mon!

Malone was truly a terrible playoff player in the sense that while he was supposed to be carrying your team when it mattered, he never really rose to the occasion. And that, to me, is why Malone was worse than Kemp.


Speaking of Malone, why not include some of Malone's driving layup kicks in the kung-fu discussion?

I was playing pickup ball last week when another player decided to conjure up one of Malone's patented driving layup kicks out of the playbook. It worked.....sort of. He was drove his shoe into my right thigh and was able to prevent me from blocking his layup. Too bad the layup didn't actually go in, or that the player hurt his knee from that play.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Wow, so much was said, I feel the need to pepper my comment with the extra flavor of quotes from the commentors:

"I think the crab and ball pic should be on the 'Bawful collage at the top of the blog."

Even though Matt already tapped out and agreed, I have to give AKDave my vote for one reason:

"Also, AnacondaHL, would it be too much to ask for you to retro-actively photoshop Kobe's M. Bison scissor kick to include the silly hat and boots?"

I've been bitching that it was a scissors kick for a bit, so that was kinda gratifying.

Plus, I HAVE to keep the sf2 references going for AK dave, or at least until Matt says, "THIS IS A BASKETBALL BLOG YOU MORONS!" And makes us stop.
And a great quote from the great one himself:

"Silly Bitch -- If you keep reading Basketbawful, people will keep staring. Comes with the territory. And hey, you never looked me up when you were in Chicago, you Silly Bitch. For shame. BTW, does it go without saying that you crazy bastards (or silly beyotches) need to let me know when you come to Chicago?"

Uh, yeah, I laughed a few years off of my life. Of course, I'd love to grab a beer and argue Lakers/Celts with the bawful one, but I'd be a little too shy. Of course, I'm thinking about making a trek to the Chi to catch a Bulls/Lakers game someday, so you never know.....

This Marbury to the Celts thing has me feeling a lot of mixed emotions:
First, I view the Celts as this heinous rival that never stays down for the count. And you never want to see your rival weakened, unless you beat them and made them weak. So with that in mind, I cringe at the idea of the cancer spreading to boston, I just don't want to see them go out that way, I intended something.......cleaner.
But I can't cheer for them either. One, because I'm a Lakers fan, and two, because of all the a$$holery Marbury's been a part of his whole career. Him winning a ring with the Celts this year after playing for 3 months would be like rewarding him for all the crap in New York, and that is terrible.

Anonymous Axel Foley said...
Bawful, the comparison you made about lebron james, amare stoudemire, and dwight howard is a HUGE part of why i dont like those players. I really dont respect players who coast through their careers on athleticism and very little else. Without that what are they really? Just stats and hype. It makes me physically sick that these are considered some of the most talented in the league. I guess Harold Miner was just 10 years too early.

Blogger BadDave said...
Bawful once approved of Marbury too. Well, at least his shoes - until he wore them twice.

And numbers be damned. The only thing Kemp will ever be better than The Mailman is creating bastards.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Drake -- The only reason I went the PER route is that SuperSonicSoul's entire argument rested on advanced stats...as he had to, since Kemp is always going to lose to Malone on "regular" stats. Malone outscored him and outrebounded him, AND outperformed him for an entire career. Use Basketball-Reference.com's head-2-head finder if you don't believe me. I was simply fighting fire with fire.

And seriously, you will never, ever, EVER convince me that Kemp was better than Malone. I mean, seriousy, Kemp was Amare Stoudemire before Stoudemire was Stoudemire. He scared people until they forced him to beat them with actual moves and stuff.

If Kemp was so scary and unstoppable in the playoffs, then please explain why the Sonics won 63 games in 1993-94 and then lost in the first round to the Denver Nuggets...the West's 8th seed. Until the Mavericks lost to the Warriors a couple years back, that was considered the greatest upset in league history! And who, pray tell, beat those Nuggets in the second round? The Jazz. In the deciding game, Malone had 31 points (12-for-23, 7-for-9 at the line), 14 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals and a block. In Denver's Game 5 loss, Kemp had 19 (6-for-13, 7-for-10 from the line), 12 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocks. Not bad, but not as good as Malone...oh, and the Sonics lost. They lost the next year in the first round, too, to the Lakers. Not with Shaq and Kobe, mind you, but with Nick Van Exel and Ced Ceballos. So please, please, PLEASE don't try to tell me that Kemp was unstoppable or had more playoff success than Malone. He didn't.

I also like how you say Kemp "just happened to run into MJ, Pippen and the Bulls." Well, uh, hey, isn't that what happened to Malone, not once, but twice? How does that count against Karl but excuse Kemp? How do you figure?

Where was Kemp when the Bulls were eliminating Seattle in '96? Oh. Right. Scoring 18 points on 17 shots and getting to the line ONCE. Not exactly an unstoppable force of nature. Let's not forget Game 3 when he scored 14 points and grabbed only 4 rebounds in 42 minutes. Even Gary Payton outrebounded him in that game.

See, it's easy to criticize somebody if you pick out one or two things you remember from this or that game. Why not mention Game 5 in the '98 Finals when Malone scored 39 (17-for-27, 5-for-6 from the line) in Chicago to stave off elimination? And as for his Game 6 "failure," check the box: 31 points (11-for-19, 9-for-11 from the line), 11 rebounds (5 of which were offensive) and 7 assists. Yes, his turnovers hurt, no question, especially that last one. But 9-for-11 from the line sure discounts your "missed free throws left and right" assertion. And 39 and 31 points on combined 28-for-46 (60 percent) shooting (and 14-for-17 from the line) in two elimination games against the best defensive team of that era...are you REALLY trying to tell me that's a choke job? Seriously? Because that's just plain crazy.

And while we're talking history, why not go back to the 1988 Western Conference Semis when Malone averaged nearly 30 points and 12 boards to lead the Jazz to a near upset of Magic Johnson's soon-to-be-repeating Lakers. Talk about your forces of nature!

I could keep going with this, but I hope my point has been made. And I'll sum it up: I'm sorry, but Kemp was NOT better than Malone. No way. No how.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
One last thing. You said: "Malone was truly a terrible playoff player in the sense that while he was supposed to be carrying your team when it mattered, he never really rose to the occasion. And that, to me, is why Malone was worse than Kemp."

Yet I gave very specific examples of him rising to the occasion. And the dude appeared in 193 playoff games. Dude rose many, many times. Like in that sweep against the Lakers in '98 when he scored 29, 33, 26 and 32 points on 41-for-81 shooting. Never really rose to the occasion! He was the best player on a team that made multiple trips to the confernce finals and the NBA Finals. Who was rising if not him? Byron Russell? Mark Eaton? Stockton was good, but go check his playoff numbers.

Argh! Can you tell I'm fired up??

Blogger Jundi said...
i have a juicy facial photo for you .. it almost looks like nocioni was rendered unconscious by the sheer force of the dunk ..

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/photo?slug=3d924b2b1f29642c2271b1bdef8e552c-getty-82990664rw020_bobcats_kings&prov=Getty%20Images

Blogger chris said...
Damn! Just got back from the failtacular special at Arco Arena, where the Clippers took an early lead in the first two minutes...and then were down by double digits for the entire rest of the night, down by 20 or more several times too. Essentially, the game was over about 2/3rds of the way through the first.

With my new Nikon I took a thousand or so photos of the action (of which probably 10% or less will be worthy of uploading) including some truly bricktastic action. And I find out after the game (as I was trying to pay attention to the masonry) from Dan B. that Cedric Simmons did make Gavin Maloof proud with a 3 trillion!

I hope someone saw it on TV because I did not capture it on my camera...a Clippers' FAILED alley-oop that resulted in a massive clang-off-the-rim that the whole not-sold-out crowd collectively gasped at. Which was attempted, BTW, with like 40 seconds in the game, and the Clips down 15.

Simmons' acquisition of wealth came after my pre-game picks for mediocrity (McCants and Novak) started actually making several shots. But hey, despite being waived last week, Cheikh Samb was still on the pre-game stat sheet in the program!

I'll get a link up once I sort through the photos...

Blogger Silly Bitch said...
bawful - yes, i know. i shield my face in embarrassment. honestly we ended up being in and out of chicago so fast we didn't even eat anything the entire time we were there.

worry not, i'll be back, i'm not sure when yet, but "taste of chicago" shall serve as the latest possible date for my return. and i will not let you down next time.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Kyon?

Blogger Jundi said...
the only thing kemp has on malone is a better highlight reel

Blogger chris said...
NOT the failed alley oop at the end of the game, but just as fun here on Youtube: the Kings go bricktastic with a missed dunk late in the 3rd!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3paNW0usj4

(Not my video - Nikon D40 don't have video mode! :p )

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I hope you all know how much I love you. Mamba Bison.

Anon: Yes, that is the Kyon facepalm. It represents how I defend the NBA in the same way I defend anime: sure there are horrible stereotypes tied to the name, and it's safe to assume most of it is just awful, but those few great shining gem-in-the-rough moments make for incredible entertainment.

Blogger lordhenry said...
AnacondaHL, you are AWESOME!!!!

I love the MamBison, that is the sh*t. And your post made me laugh a lot, sorry I didn't say so yesterday there was a lot going on. I had a bad day today, and that just made it better. Kobe looks so evil as the dictator!
And one more thing: I saw you wanted an intelligent convo about anime. I'd love to help you out, but I only watch Bleach, and I'm not sure that counts.

Blogger chris said...
AND...I have now photos up of Cedric Simmons' three trillion!

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: For me, some of the horrible stereotypes in the Association (the Stern button! floptastic evenings!) actually ARE entertainment within of themselves!

Blogger Preveen said...
http://www.cbssports.com/nba/gamecenter/recap/NBA_20090228_OKC@MEM/rss

Allow me to quote
"Memphis G Marko Jaric entered the game having missed his last 17 shots. He missed all four of his shots Saturday. It also has been noted that in the midst of the slump, he married supermodel Adriana Lima on Valentine's Day. "I would like to see him do whatever he can to make a hoop," Hollins said. "Whether it is go to the basket, get a steal, go down, and make a layup. Something." "

Ouch. Coach saying that to the media. Epic Fail.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
lordhenry: Welp. That settles it. The new nickname for the photo is now MamBison. I'll see if I can get it as a post for some Monday morning relief.

As for Bleach, it's ok, but is far too long with too much filler arc for me to watch it all. Once you've spent time watching a 52+ episode show, there's not much reason to watch another unless you're sure of the quality (this applies to regular TV shows too).

chris: Of course! Those things you mentioned are like why people like Code Geass - it's like watching a train wreck... only they KEEP SENDING TRAINS.

Anonymous pratt said...
Sunday Pistons/Celts game

Quote about Eddie House:

"He's able to get that shot off despite the defender coming in his face"

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: And in the case of the Kings, that's an appropriate analogy, considering how much this town is the capital of railroading in NorCal! No, really.

I'm not sure when the royal carriages first got derailed, but I do know that at this rate, Jon Bunnell will be doing the narration.

And yes, more of my photos of bawful from the atrocities against fundamentals at Arco Arena are now up on my Facebook! :D

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
pratt: Like a true professional.

Blogger lordhenry said...
AnacondaHL: Now we just need MamBison vs the OKC Bison. Five bucks says M. Bryant performs a double knee press nightmare on the hapless franchise stealing ball of fur, taking his ugly face off. Then, MamBison uses his Psycho Powers to teleport into Clay Bennett's office and Psycho-crushes him in half.

Too bad about Bleach, but for the most part you're right. I just never watch filler, I stop watching the show until they go back to the real story, which can take awhile. I just came back to it after almost a year. Please say you don't watch Naruto, I will shed tears of pity.

Blogger chris said...
Wow. I'm watching police chases on truTV and see an ad for the coming Kings-Pacers game...

Yep, the announcer in the ad said "defense-optional."

And I'm just thinking, "So optional defense is how the Kings are now at 48 losses? Hmm."

CAPTCHA: "later" (wow, a word!)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
lordhenry: You look kind of cool!

So yea, I'd shed those tears too and throw up if I ever became a Narutard.

Anonymous your favourite sun said...
Here's something I noticed in the box score for Saturday's Knicks/Heat game: Chris Duhon and David Lee each played 38:27 and had a +/- of +4. Larry Hughes played 38:24 with a +2. Al Harrington, however, played 37 minutes 50 seconds, and was -23.

There was only a maximum of nine and a half minutes where Harrington would have been on the court without those other three, and during that time the Knicks were outscored by twenty-seven points.

Blogger Cortez said...
"Argh! Can you tell I'm fired up??"

Welcome to my world, bro!

Kemp > Malone?

That's almost (but not quite) as stupid as saying Candace Parker could beat Anthony Parker or Shelden Williams in a game of one-on-one.

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