Welcome to Worst of the Night: What I watched/What I expected/What I got -- NBA edition! The concept is simple: If a picture is worth a thousand words, then three pictures and some glib comments can sufficiently describe the bawful. Lets get this party started.

What I watched: Cleveland Cavaliers at Houston Rockets.
What I expected: Can Artest defend LeBron? TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Von "I'm not a German cookie" Wafer stealing the show. Oh, and Cleveland's bawful failure at stopping Yao (28-8 on 13-15 shooting), leading to a 93-74 loss.

(DVD Bonus!: The original picture for the third frame was Footbawful's "Potato Sack Party" with the word "suck" photoshop'd on all the sacks, until I realized how wrong it looked and would probably get me busted by Chris Hansen.)

What a complete brickfest devoid of basketball. The Craboliers went 3-17 (17%) and the Kneeless Houstonians made just 5-18 (28%). The first two possessions of the game were traveling, traveling. It was almost as if the officials wanted to set the tone for a certain crustacean of ours...

The Ohioan King Crab led the brick-laying masonry, cooked by three early fouls, including two charges, Yao in the paint, and the Artest/Battier combo getting their hands on his carapace. He finished with 21-1-0 on 7-for-21 shooting, and a complete smother chicken in the 4th courtesy of C-3PYao. James promptly limped off the floor from the resulting ego-ectomy, which is unfortunately bitter since earlier, teammate Ben Wallace continued playing with a broken leg for a quarter before finally getting crutches.

Artest explained his views of defending LeBron in a TNT interview: "The only, the only difference between LeBron, he's just so much more athletic than what I am. He reminds me of uhh, of a new improve, uh, you know a new improved Ron Artest" Oh Ron. Just when I thought you couldn't leave me speechless ever again. And talking in fragmented. Sentences.

Didn't even blink. Violet Palmer delivers inconsistency with Tim Duncan-esque consistency. Other obligatory actions on the night included a Scola vs Varejao face-off that ended with a flop and a LeBron travelling call.

(DVD Bonus!: GIS'ing "Violet Palmer" with SafeSearch off reveals some NSFW pictures of an amateur with the unfortunate same name. It's pretty surreal to see pictures of NBA players and coaches arguing right next to screencaps of a girl deep in "thought".)

What I watched: Phoenix Suns vs Los Angeles Lakers.
What I expected: Kobe and Shaq together again TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Craig Sager with a cross-section of an eyeball teaching us about the retina injuries. Oh, and a basketball game that was done before it even started.

****.

The Suns gave up 70 first-half points, and with too many "I'll play hero and try to fill Nash's shoes" stupid plays and turnovers, I would have been satisfied if the Suns just brought out an actual fence for more effective D.

I was misinformed (but the Internet never lies!) thinking that Barkley was in jail, but turns out Sir Charles will serve five days starting March 21st. It's great to see him back on TV, and I hope he can make it for the 26th's games, because he really makes watching Phoenix's bawful far less turrible.

TNT/Comcast/whoever screwed up: For letting 2+ minutes of video blackout and 7+ minutes worth audio blackout occur during garbage time of the blowout. I'm trying to watch the lacktion here for a blog!

Kobe Bryant: He convinced Luke to download Antivirus 2009, then used the backdoor to spam Luke's computer with popups for pills that can increase his size. And then planted fake love letters from Adam Morrison on his Desktop. And then ate a bunny. Without taters.

Special Thanks: The goons of SomethingAwful and ADTRW, for the current watch/expected/got format.

Lacktion report: A brief lacktion update from Chris:

Cavs-Rockets: Looks like the crustaceans didn't manage their lacktators correctly, in a 19 point loss to Clutch The Bear's squad. Tarence Kinsey returned to the bench but is still shaking off the devestating effects of his starting stint, reflexively aiming for the net and sadly succeeding with a field goal that negated a brick-and-foul special.

Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson was baked by a board, cooking away a one-brick performance. Thus Mike Brown lacktivated JJ Hickson for an unremarkable +1 (foul) in 4:03 - and when the Crabs have to rely on their third-in-command off the sand, it's not surprising that Houston cracked them on the scoreboard.

About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson (UPDATE: Go America! Tevatron, represent!), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, fan submissions, Lebron James, Phoenix Suns, whatiwatchedexpectedgot

Basketbawful reader Kevin L. writes: "Give Mikki Moore credit; trying to block a shot and get a big grope at the same time." But even though it looks like Mikki's hand is down B-Diddy's shorts, I've been informed by Timmothy that "it's more like an intimate petting of his rock-flabby abs, pre-coitus. Or something like that."

Labels: Baron Davis, fan submissions, man love, Mikki Moore

The super-ultra-rare double facefist: When a double facepalm just can't express all the wonderful misery.
Andre Iguodala: Glass half full: Iggy almost had a triple-double last night (22 points, 9 rebounds, 11 assists). Glass half empty: He almost had a triple-bumble, too, thanks to his season-high 7 turnovers. Fortunately for Andre, his team was playing...

The Washington Wizards Generals: The Generals lined up for another loss, this time at the hands of the heretofore struggling 76ers, who snapped their four-game losing streak in Washington last night. And Generals interim coach Ed Tapscott was pissed. After the game, he said his team lacked "focus, concentration, effort and execution," emphasizing each failing by slamming his fist down on the lectern. He even suggested he might have to warm up with his team to shake them out of their funk. "If that means I'm out there on the floor in my sweats, we'll do that." Hmm. Ed Tapscott in sweats. I'm sure that'll be a real big motivator. Bonus stats: The Wizards had more turnovers (21) than free throw attempts (18).

The Memphis Grizzlies: Make it six in a row, as in games lost, for the Grizzlies of Memphis, who were beaten by the Danny Granger-less (and Mike Dunleavy Jr.-less) Pacers in Indy. More accurately, they were beaten by T.J. Ford, who scored 8 of his 20 points in the decisive fourth quarter despite flu-like symptoms! Seriously, the dude didn't start and almost didn't play. But even though he hadn't even been eating, he had enough in the tank to beat the Grizzlies. Of course, that sort of goes without saying, doesn't it? More bonus stats: The Griz lost despite shooting almost 50 percent and forcing 20 turnovers.

Rasho Nesterovic: From Basketbawful reader Junior:

Truly Bawful.

2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a layup
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic offensive rebound
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a 3-foot jumper in the lane
2:36 IND - R. Nesterovic offensive rebound
2:36 IND - Team rebound
2:20 IND - R. Nesterovic misses a 17-foot jumper along the right baseline
2:18 MEM - M. Conley defensive rebound

Memo to Nesterovic: if you missed a 3-foot jumper, you will miss a 17-foot

The Chicago Bulls: Well, I'll give the Bulls this much: They didn't allow Devin Harris beat them with a 60-foot miracle shot as time expired. Instead, they let Harris shoot them down by scoring 19 of his 42 points in the fourth quarter. Devin shot 7-for-9 from the field, and four of those makes were layups of the "Hot damn he just blew by his guy!" variety. It was like Dr. Horrible zapped the Bulls with his Freeze Ray. (It's not a Death Ray. Or an Ice Beam...that's all "Johnny Snow.") Not that Chicago's problems were all on the defensive end. They entered the fourth with a 4-point lead, then proceeded to miss 10 of their first 11 field goal attempts and ended up shooting 7-for-25 for the quarter.

Ben Gordon, who "led" the Bulls with 17 points, was miffed afterwards. "We were doing stupid stuff the whole game and kind of shot ourselves in the foot. Stupid shots, stupid decisions, bad defense. We lost this one tonight, if you ask me. We shouldn't play like this, so it is definitely disappointing. This is a beatable team. We beat them twice already this season. The game was there. The game was there for us if we wanted it. We just didn't play the way we needed to." And the person primarily at fault for that is...

Vinny Del Negro: Was their any way to stop Devin Harris from hitting the Bulls in the eye with the NBA-equivalent of "the money shot"? Derrick Rose thought so: "Zone and trap; that's what I think you do when somebody is going off like that. Just trap him. But we didn't." Not that Rose could have participated in a zone-and-trap scheme against Harris, because HE WAS ON THE BENCH DURING CRUNCH TIME. AGAIN. Sorry for yelling, but COME ON. The Notorious V.D.N. sat Derrick for the final 4:52 because he apparently thought Kirk Hinrich would do a better job stopping Harris than Rose did. Mind you, Harris scored 9 of his fourth-quarter points against Rose...and 10 of them when Hinrich was Devin's primary defender. So that worked in a way that totally didn't. Like AK Dave pointed out the other day, Hinrich does his best defenive work against big, athletic guards like Dwyane Wade. He struggles against the quick guys like T.J. Ford and Harris. Hasn't Vinny figured that out? And yes: That question was completely rhetorical.

Vinny's clutch play calling -- if you can call it that -- was even worse. Rose only had one fourt-quarter shot attempt before he was exiled to the bench. One. Meanwhile, Tyrus Thomas took four jumpers -- two on on possession -- from from 18, 7, 20 and 16 feet out. And a couple of those came after timeouts! Are you telling me Vinny is writing up plays to get Tyrus "The Brick" Thomas jump shots out of timeouts? Say it ain't so! Please. I'm begging you.

Update! Larry Hughes: ghostlygerbils noticed this egregious oversight on my part: "How could you miss Larry '0' Hughes going 1-6 with no assists or rebounds and 3 fouls? The crowd at MSG was booing him by his second miss."

The Detroit Pistons: Eight. Eight losses in a row. Ah, ha, ha. Not that the Pistons didn't make a game of it against, because they did. But the end result was the same, another black mark in the loss column of the season standings. It's the team's longest slide into oblivion since 1995, a span of 14 seasons.

There was plenty of 'bawful, despite their valiant effort. The Not-Answer had to leave the game in the first quarter after aggravating a back strain. Rasheed Wallace got ejected with 7:55 in the fourth quarter after getting T'd up twice in 27 seconds. (More on that below.) And still the Pistons were down by only a point in the final minute, but David West grabbed two offensive rebounds on the Hornets' final possession, the second of which forced the Pistons to foul to stop the clock. Even then they could have tied it, but their final shot was a three-pointer by Walter Herrmann. And it's pretty hard for me to believe that that was the shot they wanted.

Bonus stats: Tyson Chandler had a season-high 17 rebounds. He and West combined for 13 of the Hornets 17 offensive boards. And their rebounding was the difference in the game. Who knew blocking out was such a lost art?

Rasheed Wallace: From ESPN's Daily Dime (via Wild Yams): "On Wed., the Pistons seemed poised to end their losing streak, leading the Hornets early in the fourth quarter, but Wallace suffered the kind of meltdown that's punctuated his career. With the game tied 71-71, Wallace gave up an offensive rebound to Hornets reserve forward Sean Marks, allowing New Orleans to score the basket that put them ahead to stay in a game they would win by just three points. After the Marks play, Wallace complained demonstratively to get technical foul No. 15, and shortly thereafter angrily knocked a towel from a Hornets ball boy's hand into the crowd for technical foul No. 16. He followed that by throwing a towel in the direction of his coach, Michael Curry, who had just seconds before removed him from the game. All of this raises the possibility that Wallace will face what would probably be the NBA's first-ever triple suspension -- the automatic suspension for his 16th technical foul of the season, a league suspension for knocking a towel into the crowd and a team suspension for his actions toward his coach. Or might the Pistons just release him now, with only 26 games remaining on his contract? In any case, Sheed's tenure in Detroit, which began in spectacular fashion in 2004 with an NBA title (remember his championship belt?), is reaching an ignominious end."

And in case you wanted to watch the towel incident...


The Minnesota Timberwolves: Due to the unfortunate absence of Al Jefferson, Kevin McHale has been forced to employ and uptempo offense so his team can, you know, score points...which is sort of what basketball is all about. But the downside of pushing the ball is that it allows teams to push back. Which is what the Jazz did last night: Utah scored 120 points on 53 percent shooting as seven Jazz players scored in double-digits. Said McHale "We just have got to get better defensively." Dude, seriously, your team can play offense OR defense, not both. So if they're going to lose anyway -- and they are -- you might as well let them entertain their fans by putting up points.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Man, these guys have been Odenized. And I don't mean that in a good way. Last night, they suffered a 15-point road loss to the San Antonio Spurs Tony Parker and his French Foreign Legion. Parker, forced to play without franchise cornerstone Tim Duncan (right quad tendonosis) and sixth man extraordinaire Manu Ginobili -- exploded for 39 points and 9 assists. It was Portland's second straight road loss to a playoff-bound Western Conference team. The Blazers shot 37 percent and had only 12 assists on 32 field goals...so you know the ball movement wasn't there. Of course, San Antonio's defense will do that to you. Fun fact: The Spurs just signed forward Pops Menah-Bonsu to a 10-day contract. That's a fun name.

Steve Blake: Here's a case of a reader with an offensive rebound off my miss. Brendan K said: "Steve Blake went 0-9 from the floor and 0-2 from the line last night. EPIC FAIL."

The Milwaukee Bucks: On January 21, Milwaukee beat Dallas 133-99. It was and is the Mavs' worst loss of the season. And you know what that means: Revenge game! The 116-96 retribution was highlighted by 53 percent shooting (including 50 percent from downtown) and a 51-25 edge on the boards. Dallas committed 22 turnovers and STILL won by 20.

Hawks versus Nuggets: So the Hawks lost for the fourth time in five games, with their only victory in that stretch being a 5-point win over the worst-in-the-league Kings. On the other hand, the Nuggets barely escaped with a 1-point home win over a depleted Hawks team -- starters Mike Bibby (flu) and Josh Smith (family matter) were both out and Zaza Pachulia STARTED -- when Flip Murray's 14-footer bounced off the rim at the buzzer. Said Chauncey Billups: "I was angry. I'm happy that we won, but I'm just disappointed in how we won. When you lose three games in a row, any kind of win is great. But I think the disappointment that we have in the way that we finished the game is just a sign of how good of a team that we are: We're happy with the win, but we're not happy with how we finished the game."

Speaking of long faces, Murray was all down on himself for missing a semi-gimmie that would have allowed his team to steal one. "It was a shot I should have made. I had a chance to win the game with my last shot and I short-armed it. But it was a shot I should have made. ... It was wide open, I should have made it. It was an easy little chipper and I should have made it." Okay, okay. We get it, Flip. You should have made it. But you didn't.

The Sacramento Kings: Man, I don't know what to say about this team, other than they are retroactively erasing all the good memories I have of them from the C-Webb Era. It's like that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I guess it's not all bad, though. At least I'll be able to forget (hopefully) that Game 6 against the Lakers. Anyway, here's a recap of Sacramento's ongoing 'bawful from the Associated Press: "It was another in a long line of lackluster games for the Kings, who have the NBA's worst record (12-47) and are on track to have their losingest season in franchise history. The Kings have lost three straight and 17 of 19. The game drew the smallest crowd (10,439) in the current arena, which surprised [Gerald] Wallace, who was accustomed to boisterous sellout crowds when he was a King. 'It hurts, it hurts real bad,' Wallace said. 'I was here in the glory days when the energy was totally different. It's upside down now.'" And now, the coup de grace:


The Boston Celtics: It seems fitting somehow that on a day in which the latest batch of Marbury-to-Boston rumors dominated the headlines, the Celtics -- without Kevin Garnett (muscle strain in his right knee) and Brian Scalabrine (neck injury) -- lost to the Los Angeles Clippers. The loss itself was highlighted by Paul Pierce dislocating his right thumb in the third quarter and then again in the fourth, while Gabe Pruitt's arrest for DUI -- in Hollywood, after 3 a.m. -- served as a dark epilogue.

So can we all just agree that The Marbury Effect goes beyond basketball and is bordering on the supernatural? The last time everybody started talking about Marbury becoming a Celtic, the team lost seven times in nine games. Now they're losing to the Clippers while stars are getting injured and a petty roleplayer is acting the fool. Starbury is walking chaos, a shadow of doom to everything he touches...nay, everything he looks at or is even associated with in passing. If Danny Ainge signs him, this season will not end well for the Celtics. Mark my words.

Baron Davis, quote machine: This one is from Basketbawful reader Colin G.: "Said Baron Davis after the Clippers beat Boston: 'It's good to start getting everyone healthy. That's going to help us be a threat as the end of the season approaches.' Threat? Clippers? ... LOL! The Clippers are as threatening as a pink plush teddy bear. The quote was so bad I thought it was a joke." It is, Colin. Unintentional jokes are still jokes. You know?

Lacktion report: Chris continues to hone the art form of describing lacktivity:

Magic-Knicks: New York's starting big man Jared Jeffries blocked one shot in 17:27 to avoid a staggering suck differential, but still provided so little of benefit to his statline that he ended up with a true Voskuhl of 5:0, his five fouls being rated against one brick from downtown. Jazz-Wolves: Jarron Collins took a board in an attempt to hide from the lacktion ledger, but his Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in 4:56 (via foul) after a brick keeps him firmly in the lacktator's limelight. (And, somehow, the Worldwide Leader refuses to acknowledge this negative performance, according to their boxscore which assigned Jarron a DNP-CD.)

Bucks-Mavs: Joe Alexander - Milwaukee's most recent first-round draft pick -- gave up the rock once and took three fouls for +4 in 5:14.

Blazers-Spurs: Malik Hairston and Pops Mensah-Bonsu can now put on overalls and eat spaghetti together, as 34-second Mario Brothers for Greg Popovich! Pops, in his first NBA start this season, managed to string together a board in his unextended stint.

Hawks-Nuggets: Atlanta's Solomon Jones doesn't have to call his broker tonight, as a near six-and-a-half trillion was reduced to a mere +1 suck differential (in 6:33) due to a foul.

Bobcats-Kings: The Bobcats lacktivated Alex Ajinca off the bench, and he head-butted the question marks out of the way by nearly collecting a trillion in gold coins. Nearly, that is, because he instead tossed up a building block and once offered the leather sphere as a gift to the purple paupers. And because by skipping out on three extra seconds on the Arco Arena floor, he earned himself a 57 second Mario! That powerup mushroom also entitled him to a 1:0 Voskuhl, though he wasn't the only one honoring the centerpiece of Toronto's Little Three, as DeSagana Diop racked a Voskuhl of his own in 9:38, getting a ratio of 3:2 (three fouls against two rebounds and two bricks).

Celtics-Clippers: Emboldened by the recent need for a human victory cigar, Mike Dunleavy Sr. forgot that you need to be actually sure of a win before bringing one of those out. So in the midst of a nailbiter against the defending champs of the Association, Mike Taylor went to Staples and brought home a 15-second Mario! But that wasn't the end of the story.

Five seconds left in the game, TAYLOR GETS BACK OUT ON THE COURT! As his Mario gets more precious seconds added to it...the Clippers hang on for a dramatic win! So was Dunleavy clairvoyant...or, did he just fall plain into dumb luck? Actually, that's a rhetorical question.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba lured Luke Walton and Adam Morrison in the Lakers locker room by telling them he was starting a "secret team." Once they were alone, Kobe said: "Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for aggressive...expansion. So, which of our fine gentlemen would like to join the team? Oh! There's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have [breaks a cue stick in half]...tryouts. [Throws one half in between Luke and Adam] Make it fast."

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Memphis Grizzlies, Vinny Del Negro, Washington Wizards

I guess everybody wants to be like Kobe. Thanks to Basketbawful reader Hannah L. for sending in the picture, which I'm hoping sets off a new round of Street Fighter II discussions. Because, seriously, if that's not the beginning of a flash kick, I don't know what is...


Update! Thanks to AnacondaHL for the Photoshoppery:

Yes, this is the beginning of a flash kick.

Labels: fan submissions, kung fu, Russell Westbrook

The wussification of the league: Chris Bosh is apparently trying to inspire his team to make a (don't laugh) playoff run (okay go ahead and laugh) by getting all rough and tumble. Said Bosh: "We have to realize nice guys sit at home and watch the playoffs. That's just how I feel. Maybe I'm wrong, but if you play with more intensity you're more likely to win and you're more likely to play better basketball." To further enhance his new tough guy persona, Bosh got all up in the face of...Brian Cardinal. Oooooo.

Explained Bosh: "I don't accept people yelling in my face. I don't do that to other people so I expect the same thing in return. I'm going to turn it up and, if guys do that, I hope they're ready to handle where it's going to go." And where's it going to go, Chris? I mean, really. You're going to, what, throw down with Brian Cardinal for yelling at you? I kinda doubt it.

While Chris was hyping a potential "Bosh versus Cardinal" fight Muhammad Ali-style, Brian was all, like, whatever. "I don't think I poked the bear. It's just two guys trying to get their teams a win, trying to survive. Little old me out there, he's much taller than me (6-foot-10 to Cardinal's 6-foot-8). That's the only way I can survive is be out there scrapping and playing hard. That's all that was. And then he (started) making his shots. God love him, he played well."

T-Wolves coach Kevin McHale, who I'm compelled to mention once clotheslined Kurt Rambis during the NBA Finals and was only called for a regular personal foul, sounded semi-disgusted that Bosh's panties getting a little bunched up was even noteworthy. Said McHale: In our league if two guys aren't kissing it's an altercation. There's no altercations anymore. Go back 30 years and you'll see some altercations."

The Associated Press: Check out what the AP had to say about the Grizzlies-Crabs game: "Playing short-handed is nothing new for the Cleveland Cavaliers. With starting shooting guard Delonte West inactive two days after returning from the right wrist fracture that sidelined him for 16 games, the Cavaliers relied on a team effort to beat the Memphis Grizzlies, 94-79 on Tuesday night." Were they being serious? Did they honestly think that the loss of Delonte West was going to make a difference in this one? The Griz are 15-41 overall have the second-worst road record in the league (3-22). Meanwhile, the Craboliers are 26-1 at home and have this guy named LeBron James. Maybe you've heard of him? I understand they need to find a storyline for every game, but some on. That's a real stretch.

The Detroit Pistons: Their 12-point defeat in Miami was their seventh straight not-win. And in case you're not an amateur NBA historian, this is the first time they've dropped seven in a row since December 28, 2001. And if they don't beat the Hornets in New Orleans tonight, they'll match their longest fail-streak since 1995.

The whole mess has left the Not-Answer talkin' 'bout DEFENSE, man. "Our whole thing is not on the offensive end. We can't stop anybody. The way we're playing we have to shoot 60 percent to win a basketball game. Everybody's always going to look at the offensive end and scoring points. We scored enough points to win the basketball game. But we just can't get stops consistently. We can't get stops when we need them." For the record, A.I. is currently giving up 108 points per 100 possessions. That's three points worse than his career average. I'm just sayin'.

Random note: Did anybody else find it interesting that one game after scoring a career-high 50 points, D-Wade had a career-best 16 assists?

The Orlando Magic: When you're trying to catch the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics in the race for the second seed in the Eastern Conference, you probably shouldn't get thwacked by 18 points against teams hovering outside of the playoff bubble. But that's what happened to the Magic last night against the Bulls. And their rather defenseless loss -- Chicago shot over 56 percent for the game -- is best summed up by the following play:


Raged Magic coach Stan Van Gundy: "Our starting lineup brought nothing to the game. I'm embarrassed and disgusted by what I saw. I don't know if our players are, but they should be. Our guys want to talk about being a contending team. We're still not tough enough and we don't play hard enough" Van Gundy then ate a live kitten, despite its frantic and persistent mewing.

The Dallas Mavericks: Normally, the Mavs getting kicked around by the Spurs in San Antonio wouldn't be that big of a deal. But the "Spurs" were playing without Tim Duncan (sore right knee) and Manu Ginobili (flop practice). Dallas should have won this one, or at least been competitive. But they were not. Tony Parker (37 points, 12 assists) absolutely destroyed Jason Kidd (2 points, 4 assists) -- remember when the Spurs almost traded Parker to get Kidd? -- and Kurt Thomas (10 points, 15 boards) almost outrebounded the Mavs' starting frontcourt (Erick Dampier, Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard) by himself. Dallas shot 34 percent and had only 10 assists (compared to 12 turnovers). Truly bawful. Said Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle: "I can only shudder to think what would happen had (Duncan and Ginobili) played."

Tracy McGrady: The Rockets have won eight straight at home and five straight overall. Both streaks are season-highs. It's...it's like they don't even miss him.

Bobcats-Suns: From Basketbawful reader DKH:

A few revenge games: Diaw: 10 of 12 for 27 points to go with 10 rebounds and 6 assists. Bell: 9 of 14 for 23 points, 3 rebounds, 3 assists. J-Rich: started slow but had 20 points on 10 FGA to go with 3 rebounds and 3 assists. But, he fouled out. Still pretty efficient. Doesn't really quality as a "revenge game", but Dudley had 2 point, 4 boards, an assist, and 2 steals.

WoTN nomination to Emeka Okafor. I'm not sure he ever passed the ball back out (0 assists); he spent the whole game in foul trouble and was pretty much schooled by Shaq.

I also wanted to nominate Terry Porter for a developing "worst of" situation: Goran Dragic has improved rapidly since Gentry took over. He is playing with much more confidence, shoots the ball more, doesn't dribble into as many worthless situations. Gentry is treating him differently than Porter did, and it seems to be helping him develop.

On the other hand, SSOL is to the NBA what the spread offense is to college football. It lets mediocre players put up stellar numbers. However, Dragic is a rookie, and now we'll get to see how he develops.

Additionally, the broadcasters commented early on that Bell and Diaw were happier in Charlotte. Which shouldn't be true, considering Charlotte is 10 games worse than Phoenix. So, I'm not sure what Porter was doing, but the amount of player discontent would be incredibly disturbing to me, and if I were a general manager looking for a head coach, I would steer clear of Porter.

Lacktion report: Take it away, Chris...

Grizzlies-Cavs: With this game pretty much decided at the opening tipoff, Adonal Foyle - who the Warriors chose 8th overall in the 1997 draft - walked on the court for Memphis and delivered a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul-and-nothing-else in 2:59, also good enough for a +1. The crustacean clique has seen a major personnel shift as of late, with Tarence Kinsey having to say goodbye to his life as a lacktator these days, coming out of his shell to be a starter tonight. Confused by his All-Lacktion teammate's transition, Darnell Jackson also provided contributory basketball, forcing King Crab and Mike Brown to crown Trey Johnson as the royal landfill crawler. Johnson skillfully managed garbage time by clenching out a +1 in 1:33 via foul.

Pistons-Heat: In 1:41, Detroit's Amir Johnson merely milled two fouls for a +2. Joel Anthony for Miami continues his consistency in creating lacktivity with a one-foul +1 in 3:22, which also counted for a Madsen-level Voskul of 1:0.

Lakers-Thunder: Clay Bennett believes that greed is good. So he must be relieved that the Tyson Chandler trade didn't go through, as the focal point of the deal - an aging Joe Smith, another mid-90s Warriors first-rounder -- pilfered a freshly shrinkwrapped copy of WiiFit off the shelves tonight with a 14-second Mario! (Interestingly, like Dikembe Mutombo's Mario from a few weeks ago, ESPN disagrees and claims on its box score that this never happened! Bias against elderly lacktators from the Worldwide Leader?!)

Mavs-Spurs: Devean George and Matt Carroll have kept Dallas in the lacktion reports the same way Mark Cuban keeps his big ego in front of the cameras over the years, and this game at AT&T Center was no exception. George probably has a good view of the Alamo by now, due to two bricks coming from downtown; couple that with two fouls and that produces +4 in 10:08. Carroll's statline made him look like a Mini-Me compared to Devean, with half-sized numbers -- 5:12 on the floor, with one foul and one missed shot each for +2. Teammate Erick Dampier downright delivered as well by managing a slight 4:3 Voskuhl in 8:59 (one foul and three turnovers against one rebound and made field goal each), more impressive considering Dampier's role as a starter!

Kobe Bryant: Mamba handed Adam Morrison a huge laundry bag full of dirty jock straps along with instructions to wash them by hand. Adam dutifully complied, but when he tried to return them, Kobe said: "Huh? You can do whatever with 'em. I don't even know who they belong to."

Labels: Associated Press, Brian Cardinal, Chris Bosh, the wussification of the league

The Philadelphia 76ers: What a painful way to lose a game...or an amazing way to win it, depending on which team you're on. This is easily the most amazing/improbable/ridiculous buzzer-beating game-winner I've ever seen.


The closest comparison I can come up with is the Jerry West's halfcourt shot in Game 3 of the 1970 NBA Finals. But West had a whole three seconds, whereas Harris had only 1.8 seconds. And it's not like the Sixers were playing prevent defense; Andre Iguodala actually managed to deflect the ball, but Harris immediately recovered and hit the shot. Incredible. In fact...

Izod Center timekeepers: Some of the Sixers think Devin's shot was a little TOO incredible. As one story put it: "They didn't understand how Harris had time to dribble once, get the ball knocked loose by Andre Iguodala and still have time to nail a 45-foot shot [in 1.8 seconds]." That's a pretty fair point. Andre Iguodala, for his part, thinks the clock started late. "That was a big issue. That gave them a few tenths of a second. That pretty much decided it right there. There was a lot going on in 1.8 seconds. I thought for sure it wasn't good and still don't think it was good. For us to lose a game like that, it seems like that's the way the season's been. We just don't get it to go our way" Iggy also thought Harris traveled on the play.

Personally, I agree with Andre. No way all that could have happened in 1.8 seconds, not unless some kind of freaky time warp was involved. In which case: Sweet! But I kinda doubt that's the case. Still, even though the fix was in from on high, some (or, rather, a lot) of the blame for this loss goes to...

Philly's free throw shooting: The Sixers were 23-for-37 from the line. For those of you who enjoy simple mathemology, that means they bonked 14 freebies. It's pretty hard to shoot that poorly from the line and win on the road. Even in New Jersey. As Sixers coach Tony DiLeo put it: "We have to make those so it doesn't come down to a circus shot at the end."

Pacers versus Knicks: This game might as well be billed "Dr. Frankenstein versus Dr. Herbert West," with Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni playing the role of Frankenstein and Pacers headman Jim O'Brien as West. There was so little defense played in this one that I think a few of the Pacers were credited for assists on some of the Knicks' baskets. The two teams combined for 190 shots, 54 three-point attempts and 79 free throws. And Nate Robinson continued his scorching ways, putting up a career-high 41 points, which [POINTLESS STAT ALERT!!] matched Bob McAdoo's franchise record for most points in a game by a reserve.

Of course, shame on the Knicks for letting this one come down to the final seconds. I mean, the Pacers are without All-Star Danny Granger (their best player and the league's sixth-best scorer) and Mike Dunleavy Jr. (who's more important to this team than you'd think). As David Lee put it: "That should have been a game that we should have won handily tonight with them having their two best players out, but any time you keep it close like that they have some shotmakers on their team. So it was too close for comfort tonight, but I'm just glad we got a win."

Speaking of Lee, this was a great postscript to the "David Lee versus Troy Murphy" debate I started last week. Lee had 20 points (8-for-17) and 13 rebounds. Murphy finished with 19 points (8-for-16) and 21 boards. I will assume that everybody can see my point now?

Larry Hughes: From the AP: "Larry Hughes continued a miserable start to his Knicks career by missing all five shots in the first half. After going 1-for-9 for three points in 16 minutes Sunday in a loss at Toronto, he had a corner jumper hit the side of the backboard, and threw up an air ball on another jumper. Acquired Thursday at the trade deadline, he was already hearing boos by late in the second quarter, and the boos resumed when he checked in again in the third." FAIL.

The Denver Nuggets: Uhm...who are these guys and what have they done with the Nuggets? Denver was the second-best team in the Western Conference less than a week ago. But they've given up 116, 120 and 114 points in their last three games, all losses. The first two defeats came against sub-.500 teams and last night's 114-76 beatdown happened at home against the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics. The Nuggets shot 34 percent, missed 18 of their 21 three-point attempts and even bonked 11 free throws. Quick history lesson: It was the Nuggets' worst home loss since February 2, 1998, when the Bulls crushed them 111-72. And those Nuggets weren't contenders...they won only 11 games! Bonus footnote: The 38-point margin of defeat tied for the second-biggest home loss since Denver joined the NBA in 1976. I know they didn't have Nene, but still.

But despite the fact that his team has jumped headfirst into "WTF?!" territory, Carmelo Anthony isn't sweating it. "We lost. Ain't really that much you can say about that. They came in and made shots, played well. We can make a lot of excuses about being fatigued, been on the road a long time, (playing) back to back, just getting home. There are a lot of things that can play into it. But we lost tonight. We'll take it on our chin and get ready for Wednesday." 'Melo sure is more mellow than he was last season...

Chauncey Billups: Hey, since we keep cracking on Detroit for giving up Mr. Big Shot in the trade for Allen Iverson, I feel compelled to point out Chauncey's putrid line: 3 points, 1-for-8, zero rebounds, 5 assists, a game-high 4 turnovers, 4 fouls and a team-worst plus-minus score of -38. Maybe Joe Dumars was right? (But not really.)

The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds were thumped 108-89 last night in Utah. They've now lost three of their last four games and have been playing sub-.500 ball (11-14) since they were a headline grabbing 21-10 back in December. I must once again point out that I predicted this and was openly scoffed at. I just love saying "toldja so." Believe it or not, the Hawks shot 50 percent for the game. That's good. But they also committed 20 turnovers for 21 Jazz points. That's not as good. Mike Bibby, who was supposedly sick, finished with zero points (0-for-3) and one lonely assist. Joe Johnson scored 15 on 7-for-12 shooting, but he had 4 turnovers and 4 fouls versus zero rebounds and zero assists. Said Al Horford: "They completely took it to us. They were making all of the hustle plays. Right now we are going through a little struggle."

Carlos Boozer: He returned from a 44-game absence and was inserted by Jerry Sloan right into the starting lineup. Sadly for Carlos and his dreams of a signing max contract this summer, he put in a performance that was worthy of a demotion to the D-League: 2 points (1-for-5), 5 boards, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, 2 fouls and a block against in 21 minutes. Meanwhile, Paul Milsap had his usual double-double (16 points, 12 rebounds) despite a slight decrease in playing time. I just can't wait to see who overpays for Boozer this July!

The Sacramento Kings: I'm not going to be too hard on them, since they played pretty well and had a reasonable shot at beating the Hornets in New Orleans. But it's still another loss for the team with the league's worst record (12-46). I can't NOT mention that. As an aside, Andres Nocioni followed up his stinker of a first game with the Kings by scoring 19 points on 7-for-11 shooting to go along with 3 boards, 3 assists and 3 steals. Of course, he also committed a team-high 4 turnovers and three of his four misses were blocked. So to the people of Sacramento, I say: Welcome to the Nocioni Roller Coaster. Fasten your seatbelts and please keep your hands inside the car.

The Golden State Warriors: A double-digit loss to the Clippers, huh? Ouch. Golden State, defenseless as always, conceded the inside to Zach Randolph (27 points) and conceded the three-pointer to pretty much everybody (The Other L.A. Team was 13-for-24 from distance). You know how some people say that if you left a million monkeys in a room with a million typewriters, they'd eventually write a book? I sort of thought that if these Warriors saw enough faces, they'd eventually put a hand in one. But I was wrong. So very wrong.

Lacktion report: Chris! Lacktion! Now!

Pacers-Knicks: In 27:49, Indiana's Jeff Foster racked up a slight Voskuhl at 10:9 -- 5 each of fouls and turnovers against 6 rebounds and 1 made field goal from behind the arc.

Hawks-Jazz: Jarron Collins and Ronnie Price provided Jerry Sloan some synchronized lacktion with one-brick +1 suck differentials in 4:03. Price however made sure to stylishly play the role of human victory cigar, making his one miss come from downtown.

Celtics-Nuggets: J.R. Giddens learned tonight that to be a star lacktator, one must learn from the best. Too much enthusiasm from his career-starting trillion encouraged this human victory cigar to start aiming for the basket, resulting in the rookie actually scoring more points tonight than fellow Celtic Kendrick Perkins! Giddens's giddiness contrasted starkly with Sonny Weems stoically solidifying his place on the All-Lacktion team via a single brick for +1 in 4:33.

Hornets-Kings: Cedric Simmons's acquisition by the purple paupers signaled a new urgency in the potato suck race to a #1 draft pick, and his +1 via brick in 5:50 no doubt will boost the cause. On the other hand, bawful poet laureate Rashad McCants hustled his way out of a double-brick performance with a pretentious blocked shot and two assists.

Warriors-Clippers: In the B-Dizzle Revenge Game, Los Angeles's Other Team actually received so many points through the efensive approach of Nellieball that Dunleavy and Sterling were able to put out a human victory cigar for a rare moment! Mike Taylor can now be played by Bob Hoskins in a sparsely-attended feature film, after posting a 21 second Mario on the board with a foul.

Adriana Lima: It's official. She...


...married him.


Okay. No big deal. Whatever. But just one thing...


Kobe Bryant: Mamba bet Adam Morrison he could beat him in a game of HORSE after practice. He threw the game, and when a jubilant Morrison asked Kobe to pay up, Mamba paid him in these. Speaking of tormenting teammates...

Update! LeBron James, fart machine: This is a bit late, but awesome. Thanks to Pat from Spain for sending it in.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Larry Hughes, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, she married that douche?, time keeping, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Stephanie G, who provided the picture and caption for this post.

"Sorry Kobe, I'm already carrying theHornets franchise, no room for you!"

Labels: Chris Paul, fan submissions, Kobe Bryant, peekaboo

Death: From the Larry H. Miller Group of Companies (via TrueHoop): "Larry H. Miller, husband, father, grandfather, a well-known entrepreneur, community advocate and humanitarian, died from complications due to type 2 diabetes today, at home, surrounded by his family. He was 64." Read more here, here and here. The NBA lost a great owner and a real class act. Epic sad face.

The Charlotte Bobcats: It's not so much that they shot 37 percent and lost at home to the Orlando Magic. It's that their offense devolved into a lot of selfish, one-on-one junk...so much so that their self-indulgence made Rafer Alston look like Father Christmas. And that fact wasn't lost on Larry Brown: "We had so many possessions where it was one pass and a shot or no passes and a shot. Even when we stole the ball and we're on a break, we wouldn't pass the ball." Yep. I just checked. There's only one set of prints on that ball.

Rafer Alston, dissing his old team machine: Skip To My Lou left a squad that included once and (maybe) future All-Stars Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady and Ron Artest. But, after dishing out a game-high 8 assists in his first outing with the Magic, you can infer his feelings for that trio from these postgame comments: "Everywhere I looked, I had a weapon to pass it to. I think point guards in this league would love to be in that situation. Everywhere you turn, you've got a guy who can flat-out shoot it or can drive it and finish." I guess Rafer got tired of passing the ball to Knee-Mac or Ron-Ron, and then watching them spend 15 seconds dribbling their way into a shot.

The Toronto Craptors: Talk about never even in the game. The Knicks scored the game's first 9 points and were up 42-22 by the end of the first quarter. New York led by as many as 30 in the first half and went up 98-60 with 4:27 left in the third before coasting in for a comfy-cozy 127-97 win. Said Craptors coach Jay Triano: "They were in one of those modes where everything they shot was going in early in the game. We just dug ourselves a big hole." I dunno, Jay. It seemed to me like your team skipped the grave digging and went straight to cremation.

Update! Chris Bosh: From Basketbawful reader Colin G.: "I'm not sure that being emphatically blocked by a guy more than a foot shorter than you qualifies, but I found this pretty 'bawful."


The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Al Jefferson-less T-Wolves lost to the Danny Granger-less Pacers at home in a game that can best be described as scalpers night off. And while we shouldn't expect too much from Minny without Big Al, I'm still going to have to file this defeat under "Losses That Are Worse Than Others" since the Timberwolves missed 18 [!!] of their 41 free throw attempts. Which, you know, is a lot...especially in a 7-point loss. Oh, and you know what else hurt? The 19 turnovers.

But the multitude of miscues isn't all that surprising; if the postgame comments are any indication, Minnesota's players and coaching staff aren't exactly on the same page. Said Randy Foye: "We ain't going to be able to find our way without Al." Countered Kevin McHale: "We're going to have to find our way how to play without Al." The Minnesota Timberwolves: Seeing eye-to-eye like Manute Bol and Mugsy Bogues.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Kings, otherwise known as "The Team With The Worst Record in the Entire League," were playing their first game without John Salmons and Brad Miller. And Andres Nocioni and the other spare parts they got from the Bulls weren't available because their physicals hadn't been finalized. Didn't matter, though. The Griz played the part of gracious host and let the Kings break their latest losing streak -- a six-gamer -- in impressive fashion: Of the eight Sacramento players who logged PT, seven of them scored in double figures. Said Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins: "It started early. It was a lack of energy and effort. It's humbling. We see the Sacramento Kings 11-34, but we can never disrespect anybody. Not in our position." Apparently not.

The game itself was such a stinker, here's what the always-objective Associated Press had to say: "There was plenty of sloppy play in this matchup of teams at the bottom of their respective divisions. Players fumbled passes, there were shot clock violations and turnovers that came fast enough that the racing up-and-down the floor was reminiscent of a tennis match." A tennis match between blind children maybe. Assuming they were playing in the middle of a tsunami.

Jason Kidd: He got his revenge game against the Nets last week and then transformed back into, well, The old Jason Kidd (as opposed to "The Jason Kidd of old"). Kidd finished with 3 points (1-for-4) and 5 assists in the Mavs' 93-86 loss to the Rockets. Worse, he was thoroughly outplayed by Houston's fill-in point guard, Aaron Brooks, who scored 19 points, dished out a game-high 8 assists (eat THAT Rafer!), and hit the game-breaking three-pointer with 24 ticks left in the game. But as bad as Kidd's night was, at least he wasn't as craptastic as...

Dirk Nowtizki: We often discuss the notion of offensive efficiency 'round these parts, and the general consensus is that a player did okay as long as he finished with more points than shot attempts. Well, Dirk scored 9 on 18 tries. Apparently somebody replaced his fingers with soggy egg bratwursts.

The New Jersey Nets: They suffered a double-digit home loss to the Washington Wizards Generals, otherwise known as "The Worst Team in the Eastern Conference." They are now 11-17 at the Izod Center, 24-32 on the season and 13-24 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." And, as a sad postscript to New Jersey's defeat, they let Mike "The Amityville Scorer" James pimpslap them with 19 points. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "I'm just doing poor job because I'm not getting these guys to play and compete as hard as we need to. I am going to figure it out." Uh, yeah. Good luck with that.

Mike Brown, coaching philosopher: Regarding LeBron's 55-point game, in which King Crab hit eight of his 11 three-point attempts, some of which were truly, truly, truly outrageous: "I've just got to coach myself. I've got to make sure that I'm not overcoaching. And I just need to sit down, be quiet, and watch the show like everybody else."

As for what LeBron did to the Bucks, well, let me put it this way: If that happened to me during a game of NBA Live, I would chuck the game out the window and never look back. Insanity.


Charlie Villanueva: If you're going to get ejected, you might as well get some good licks in. And Charlie sure did that, "bodyslamming" flopster Anderson Varejao and then choking Zydrunas Ilguaskas when the Z-Man came over to protect his floundering teammate. Chuck, if David Stern suspends you for a few games, I bet Vince McMahon has some part time work for you.


Scott Skiles, quote machine: It seems that Scott felt that Sideshow Andy might have, ahem, taken a fall against Villanueva: "I hope they'll launch an investigation to find the sniper that shot Varejao. I thought there was some acting involved." Some. Or a lot. Yeah.

The Denver Nuggets: They entered their game against the Bulls with the West's second-best record, but they left the United Center in third place in the Western Conference. Ben Gordon scored a season-high 37 against them, Carmelo Anthony finished with only 12 (on 18 shots) and Chauncey Billups got shut down by Kirk Hinrich in the second half as the Bulls won going away, 116-99. And Denver's play left coach George Karl singing the same tune as Larry Brown: "In the second half, our offense was too individualistic, 'me' basketball. For most of the year, we've been playing unselfish basketball. We had opportunities to attack the rim, but tonight we chose to play one-on-one basketball."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: They became the latest victim of the new-look-which-is-actually-their-old-look Suns, who became the first team in 18 seasons to score 140 points in three straight games. That's one helluva dead coach bounce.

Steve Nash, dramatic overstatement machine: Regarding Leandro Barbosa's career-high 41 points on 16-for-21 shooting: "Incredible performance. What can you say? That's Jordan-like numbers." He did not just make a Jordan comparison, did he? Seriously?

Channing Frye: Uhm...what's he doing to Mike Bibby?!


Chris Paul's sixth foul: Paul fouled out with 1:32 left in OT of what was a really exciting game between the Hornets and Lakers. It was the first time Paul has ever fouled out. Now, I'm not going to get into the specifics of the call -- maybe Kobe pushed off, maybe Paul was overacting -- but I will say this: It was cheesy no matter how you look at it. And it tainted a great game. Man, I hate that.

Chris Paul: From Wild Yams: "Paul completely cost his team the game on Friday with that stupid charge on Fisher. When you're up 3 and you have the ball with 20 seconds to go and the shot clock turned off, why shoot it at all? Even worse, why get into a position where you might could get called for an offensive foul? At that point running time off the clock is more important than scoring points. All he had to do was dribble it out or wait till he was intentionally fouled and if he'd made one of the two free throws New Orleans would have won. That was one of the stupidest plays I've seen all year, and it ended up costing his team a win."

Friday lacktivity report: Chris continues to let the lacktators have it:

Magic-Bobcats: Juwan Howard may share the same first initial and last name as Josh Howard, but unlike Josh, he has faded into the smoky haze of lacktivity. Tonight Juwan gave Charlotte 2:43 of non-contribution with a suck differential of +2 via brick and foul.

Kings-Grizzlies: The purple paupers may have sent ex-trillionaire champion John Salmons to Chicago, but the Maloofs' commitment to non-excellence continues with Kenny Thomas's stint at the FedEx Forum, 5:12 of nothingness with a brick-and-foul +2.

Mavs-Rockets: Mark Cuban's most known for his ability to become extraordinarily wealthy in the tech boom, so it should come as no surprise that he has an eye for burgeoning innovations. Tonight, he put his support behind a motion-sensing wireless controller, by having Matt Carroll earn a 24-second Mario! Ryan Hollins also brought Dallas a slight Voskuhl of 4:3 (4 fouls and 1 giveaway against 3 rebounds and three bricks, two of them misses from the charity stripe!) in a stint of 10:21.

Pacers-Wolves: Josh McRoberts was actually very contributory in a 26-second Mario for Indiana, managing one made field goal and one offensive board.

Nuggets-Bulls: On the same day that tony.bluntana nominated Sonny Weems as an All-Lacktion selection, he showed the world exactly why he was a prudent choice to be recognized, earning some decent bling with a 1.25 trillion! But he wasn't the only rich man on the evening, with 1.1 trillion going to one of Bill Simmons' favorites, Lindsey Hunter of the Bulls. Hunter's teammate Aaron Gray earned a bit of a Voskuhl in his 18:58 of playing time off the bench, taking 5 fouls and giving the rock to Denver twice against 2 made field goals and 2 rebounds for a ratio of 7:6.

Cavs-Bucks: In Tarence Kinsey's absence, fellow All-Lacktion candidate Darnell Jackson has kept his claws sharp to pinch out some small stints of insignifance for the Crabs, tonight fouling once for +1 in 2:10. Milwaukee's Malik Allen wanted in on the fun of forgettability and found himself a one-time bricklayer for +1 in 4:39.

Hawks-Blazers: Mario West's career so far has already put him on the fast track to the Lacktion Hall of Lame, and 31 seconds was short enough of a Mario to impress Princess Peach with his namesake stat! However, Ms. Peach probably then started flirting with Portland's Michael Ruffin, who got himself a 17 second Mario of his own. Mario West's compatriot on the Atlanta bench, Zaza Pachulia, earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl in 14:58 with a foul and turnover against one rebound and a brick for a ratio of 2:1.

The Philadelphi 76ers: They shot only 37 percent in a 97-91 loss to the Heat in Miami. It was Philly's third straight defeat. Not to be alarmist, but the Sixers have been playing poorly the last couple weeks...pretty much ever since they were named "Andre Iguodala's team." (Iggy scored 14 on 4-for-16 shooting, FWIW.) And they're only a few more losses away from falling out of the playoffs. I'm just sayin'.

The Washington Wizards Generals: One night after that hope-lifting win against the Nets in New Jersey, the Generals got mashed into paste at home by the Spurs. Washington shot 33 percent from the field, missed all nine of their three-point attempts and even bonked nine free throws. And here's some more lulz from the ever-unbiased AP: "Oh, the humiliation! The player that got away, Roger Mason, comes back with the San Antonio Spurs and drops 25 points—on a night the awful Washington Wizards post their lowest points total in six years. A season of embarrassment for president Ernie Grunfield's front office hit another low Saturday as the travel-weary Spurs beat the Wizards 98-67. San Antonio wrapped up its annual rodeo road stretch with a 5-3 record, while Washington was left to wonder how much better than 30 games under .500 it would be if Mason were still playing in his hometown."

The Sacramento Kings: A night after a rare win, order was restored to the NBA universe as the Kings got punched in their communal groin by the Mavericks. And what made that crushing even more, uh, crushing was that the Dallas bench jockeys scored 32 of their team's 40 second-quarter points as the Mavs cruised to a 70-50 halftime lead. And yes, those were the most points Dallas has scored in the first half this season. As a sidenote, Andres Nocioni scored 10 points on 2-for-11 shooting in his first game as a King. Great trade. Speaking of the Bulls' castoffs...

Thabo Sefolosha: He went scoreless (0-for-3) and committed five fouls in just under 18 minutes of lacktion during his first game for...

The Oklahoma City Thun-er: Just a month after getting their O's back, the Thun-er lost their "D" by giving up 273 points in back-to-back games this weekend. One night after the Suns dropped 140 on them (while shooting almost 60 percent), the Warriors put up 133 on 56 percent accuracy. And since this is becoming something of a theme, here's what the AP had to say about the game: "[Golden State's] 133-120 win over Oklahoma City was pure, vintage Nellieball. Golden State played indifferent defense and made 17 turnovers, yet produced more than enough relentless offense to counterbalance the mistakes. Nelson lost his temper and nearly got kicked out in the first quarter, but calmed down enough to watch a superb fourth-quarter surge in the Warriors' fifth win in seven games overall." In addition to the rather stunning defenselessness, the Thun-er committed 22 turnovers.

My retina injury anecdote: Since Henry Abbott was sharing them on Friday, I figured I'd add my own story to the growing list. A couple years ago, I was in New Orleans for Mardi Gras with a small group of my closest friends. We were in the process of wiping the previous night's grime off -- and trust me, there was a lot -- when my buddy Brett asked somebody to hand him his overnight bag. I chucked it to him, but he didn't react at all, and the bag hit him right in the stomach, causing him to let out a comical "OOF!"

The room broke up. Brett's clumsiness was a running joke amongst our little group, mostly because it seemed to defy reason. He was something of a prodigious amateur athlete: He'd run Boston, done the Iron Man, he participated in competitive bike races throughout the world...yet he couldn't catch a football or shoot a basketball. In fact, on those rare occasions when we were able to lure him into a pickup game, he was more likely to run into his own teammates or catch a pass with his face than do anything remotely helpful. Thus, as his friends, it was our duty to mock him.

As the laughter was dying down, I said: "Geez, Brett, it's like you're blind or something." To which he replied: "Well, I am. In one eye, anyway." The laughter stopped immediately. "Brett," I said, "I've known you for over 10 years. How is it you've never mentioned the fact that you're blind in one eye?" He replied: "Don't you remember back in college when I had surgery for that partially detached retina?"

It took me a minute, but I was able to conjure the foggy memory of a period in which Brett wore an eye patch for, like, a couple months. So I asked: "Was that why you wore an eye patch for, like, a couple months?" He said: "Yeah. That was it." Oops. I guess guys can be pretty clueless. Anyway, short story long, Brett's vision never healed and he is blind in one eye to this day. Let's hope that doesn't happen with Amare.

Ken Mink: You might not recognize the name, but Ken is that 73-year-old dude who inspired literally ones of people by walking on to Roane State Community College's varsity basketball team. But a wet blanket was thrown over this moving tale when Mink was kicked off the team...because he flunked Spanish and was therefore declared academically ineligible to play. Amazingly, Mind came off as kind of indignant about the whole mess: "I feel like I'm suffering the slings and arrows of administrative injustice just like I did 50 years ago." You can read the rest of the sad tale here, but the saddest part is that it looks like Mink could miss the team's home finale on Wednesday 25, at which he planned to dress in a retro jersey and perform rap song he had written about this season's team. I'll let you decided which part(s) of that last sentence were the "sad" ones.

Saturday lacktivity report: More Chris, more lacktion.

Sixers-Heat: Royal Ivey slumped into contributory basketball lately, precluding a candidacy to All-Lacktion status...but made up for that slight nicely with a three-brick special in 13:30 for +3, including two building blocks from downtown. On the other hand, Joel Anthony justified his selection to the squad of star sleepers with a +1 (foul) in 3:50 for Miami, which also represented a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.

Hornets-Jazz: Melvin Ely -- a former Clippers' 1st-rounder -- gave up the rock and took a foul for +2 in 4:06 for the bayou insects, good for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. All-Lacktion candidate Jarron Collins nearly put his Stanford education into good use, edging close to a four trillion, only to get a rejection and miss a shot for +2 in 3:59, providing his own 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl as well!

Thunder-Warriors: In a battle of truly efensive basketball (where the Warriors never scored fewer than 31 in a quarter), Nenad Krstic avoided rebounding in 13:08 for a Voskuhl of 5:2 (four fouls and one giveaway against one made field goal in two attempts), proving he is a man possessed to give Clay Bennett some love in the lacktion report!

The Chicago Bulls: After a bigtime win over the then-second-best in the West Denver Nuggets on Friday, Chicago's new guys -- Brad Miller, John Salmons and Tim Thomas -- were available for Sunday's game against the Danny Granger-less Pacers. It should have been a gimme, but what the Bulls got was a tough loss that knocked them another half-game behind the Bucks for the final playoff spot in the East. Troy "See?! I'm just as effective as David Lee!" Murphy had a season-high 27 points to go along with 14 rebounds. The Bulls were also victimized by T.J. Ford, who burned them for 9 points in the final four minutes to close things out.

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine: According to the AP recap, Dr. D'Antonistein said his team's defense "wasn't firing on all cylinders" in the second half of their 111-100 loss to the Craptors, then added: "I was just a little disappointed in our getting back on defense. Maybe we were surprised by them but we lost the theme of the game right in the middle of the third quarter." It never ceases to amuse me when Mike bemoans his team's defensive indifference. It's like a butcher getting upset about a cow jumping into a meat grinder.

The Phoenix Suns: I just knew the new "Offense first" attitude was going to get the Suns into trouble at some point...I just didn't think it would be against the KG-less Celtics. Talk about awful D. Rajon Rondo -- who scored a career-high 32 points (13-for-18) to go along with 10 assists -- was basically running a layup drill. And Ray Allen (31 points, 10-for-15, 4-for-8 from downtown) probably wouldn't be able to identify the hands of any Phoenix player in a police lineup even if the lives of his wife and children depended on it. Boston shot 63 percent for the game and won by 20 despite missing 12 free throws and committing 19 turnovers.

Update! Pointless stats: Basketbawful reader Ricky emailed in to say the following: "Sometimes the guys at ESPN Research really have nothing better to do than to fill our life with completely pointless stats. Today they've analysed guys achieving career highs in points on their birthdays, ostensibly because of Rajon Rondo's performance but most likely because someone had already done the research and it was just lying around on their desk. Did you know that Myles Patrick had a career high 3 points on his 26th birthday in 1980, that George Brown had a career high 1 point on his 22nd birthday in 1957 or that George McLeod had 4 points on his 22nd birthday in 1953? Don't you feel better with this information? Just out of curiosity I checked these douches out (thanks Basketball-Reference!) and it turns out Myles's career consists of 3 games played for the Lakers (career average 1.7 pts), G. Brown 'played' one game in his career (on his birthday, maybe someone bribed the coach for him to play his 6 minutes), and G. McLeod is the Kareem Abdul-Jabar of this lot, having participated in 10 games for the Baltimore Bullets. The conclusions: (1) ESPN Research couldn't recognise good research if it turned up at their office and sang a Christmas carol and (2) I care too much."

Tracy McGrady: Not to dogpile on Knee-Mac or anything, but after their 99-78 road win over the Charlotte Bobcats, the Rockets ran their record without McGrady to 15-6. Compare that to their 20-15 record WITH him in the lineup and, well, yeah.

Charlotte Bobcats: The heretofore "rapidly improving Bobcats" capped off a winless weekend with their second straight home loss. They shot 36 percent and bumbled the ball away 21 times...which was one away from their season-high. Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "Our offense was awful."

Enver Nuggets: Welcome back to the ranks of the defenseless, Enver! Their 120-117 loss to the Milwaukee Bucks was low point of a weekend that saw them give up 236 points and go 0-2 against two sub-.500 Eastern Conference teams. That doubled the number of losses the Nuggets have suffered to sub-.500 teams this season.

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade scored a career-high 50 points and the Heat STILL lost by 23. If some magical force suddenly transformed all Miami fans into Kobe followers, they'd be calling for everybody else on the Heat roster to be banished to the Negative Zone. I wonder: Will the same people who said Mamba should have won the MVP in 2006 for leading the Lakers to the playoffs despite a substandard supporting cast be giving D-Wade their vote this season? Somehow I doubt it.

More from Wild Yams: "[ESPN's Daily Dime] had Wade up for yesterday's best performance for that 50 point game in a 20+ point loss, yet had this to say about him elsewhere in the piece: 'Wade, the first player to outscore all his teammates combined in one game this season, became only the fourth player in NBA history to score at least 50 points in a loss by 20 or more points.' Mr. Bawful, since you called out Kobe lovers by saying they're probably hypocritical for presumably not wanting to give Wade their MVP votes, I'd like to point out the slight hypocrisy of the media (yet again) for praising Wade for a performance that if Kobe had had would no doubt call for a whole week's worth of hand wringing and outrage from sports media outlets from coast to coast. Considering the controversy Kobe got for scoring 61 in an easy win a couple weeks back, imagine what would have happened if the Lakers had lost that game by more than 20 and Kobe had outscored the rest of his team. But, good job, Dwyane."

Update! Larry Hughes: When the Knicks cut a deal for Larry Hughes right before the trade deadline, it was suggested the Mike D'Antoni was just the man to bring the best out of Hughes. This was not the case in Big Shot Larry's debut game: Hughes scored 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. He put up those 9 shots in only 15 minutes of lacktion, by the way.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: Regarding Pookie's 50-pointer: "My concern is when Dwyane goes into the Hall of Fame and they start putting off his top career games, it's going to be like 50 versus Orlando. We're going to fill up the entire screen. So, I don't know what to tell you. When I coached Dwyane I really liked him, but I'm not so sure anymore. Our relationship is strained." I love this guy. I hope Satan makes Pat Riley's fire pit extra fiery for canning this guy so he could go for another title.

The Los Angeles Clippers: An anonymous commenter said: "Nomination for the L.A. Clippers already after the first quarter. Down by 22. Steve Blake has 14 assists in the first 12 minutes! Aldridge has 18 points on 9-for-10 shooting. Blazers shooting is a touch under 70 percent (0.692). Granted it's only the first quarter. But what a quarter indeed." No kidding. It allowed Blake to tie the NBA record for assists in one quarter. (San Antonio’s John Lucas set the record of 14 assists during the second quarter against Denver on April 15, 1984.)

Mind you, the Clippers were without Zach Randolph (serving the second game of two-game suspension), Al Thornton (sore right foot), Marcus Camby (ear infection), Chris Kaman (left foot), Brian Skinner (right foot) and Mike Taylor (right thumb). And Baron Davis was playing with a "painful toe injury." So that sort of explains why The Other L.A. Team went into "roll over and die" mode. And Daniel T. sent in the following picture, which provides the perfect graphical representation of the Clipper -efense:

New defensive strategy: It's called "Stand and Watch."
The Los Angeles Lakers: Barely beating the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves is kind of like me nearly losing a spelling bee to a head wound patient. The Wolves shot 50 percent, hit 10 threes and finished with 108 points against L.A.'s "improved" defense. It's gotta drive Lakers fans crazy, the way they play down to their competition.

Kobe Bryant: Basketbawful reader Mick Dundee said: "Did you see Kobe nearly blow that game against the Timberwolves? Missed an open layup in the crunch and then nearly got stripped before launching a stupid, stupid leaning three that Lamar Odom cleaned up with a tip-in. His teammates really bailed him out of that one. I think for nearly every great final quarter Kobe has, there is an equally boneheaded one." I officially have no comment.

The Detroit Pistons: Yesterday's blowout loss in Cleveland was the Pistons' sixth straight and the 15th in their last 20 games. They're now .500 (27-27), barely clinging to the East's seventh playoff spot and they just started a five-game road trip that also includes matchups in Miami, New Orleans, Orlando and Boston. In other words: Trouble. Said the Not-Answer: "We stunk the gym out. We acted like strangers out there tonight." Is their a scale out there that can measure how much Joe Dumars would love to have Chauncey Billups back? I doubt it.

Update! Allen Iverson: (Found via TrueHoop) First A.I. has a King Crab dunk blasted off his noggin...


...then LeBron gives him an atom smasher-style ego-ectomy. Ouch.


Sunday lacktivity report: Chris wraps up a weekend of extreme lacktion.

Celtics-Suns: With Patrick O'Bryant being sent off to Toronto to form the Little Three of Lacktivity, the Celtics appeared to be shying away from having an extra human victory cigar on hand, an early analysis bolstered by KG's ankle problems. Yet this monumental trade (which assembled a force not to be reckoned with for the Craptors) may have taken place because of a hidden gem up Danny Ainge's sleeve! J.R. Giddens, the 2008 first-round pick for the Celtics, was recently recalled from Boston's D-League affiliate (the Utah Flash!) and wasted no time making a non-impact by beginning a wealthy career in the Association with a nationally televised 1.4 trillion cashout! This impressive debut no doubt will put him in the running for the lacktator rookie of the year award, as an even stronger stat line of snooze than Nathan Jawai's first NBA minutes! And Gabe Pruitt stepped up to the plate in a bigger role of boredom for Boston by bricking a three and giving Phoenix the rock for a +2 suck differential in 5:19.

Solar power however wasn't exempt from the ledger today as Alando Tucker and Courtney Sims spent 1:59 on the court together, each putting out a +1 via turnover in an interesting example of synchronized lacktion. Courtney's turnover also guaranteed him a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.

Bobcats-Rockets: Dikembe Mutumbo's days as a defensive force in the Association are long gone, but that doesn't mean he can't be recycled as a human victory cigar, smoking out a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:1 (2 giveaways and a singular foul against 1 rebound) in his failtacular 4:12 on the hardwood.

Nuggets-Bucks: Eddie Gill got to enjoy a new privilege tonight at the M.A.S.H. Unit: a dusty old Famicom to pass the time during his inpatient stay, with a 54 second Mario!

Heat-Magic: Sure, D-Wade's 50 points took the headlines, but hidden underneath that performance was another semi-notable storyline: the failure of Joel Anthony to produce any meaningless lacktion, ruining a three-foul run with productivity on the glass and successful defense. Thus their Miami teammate Jamaal Magloire had to do the not-so-dirty work in garbage time, cleanly spending 3:31 on the floor with a foul and missed shot for +2 (which also counted as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!). Orlando's Jeremy Richardson gave the home team their human victory cigar, missing his only shot attempt for +1 in 1:38.

Lakers-Wolves: DJ Mbenga got in the way of a shot the same way he recently served as an obstacle to Chris Mihm's fist. This block denied him a suck differential. However, with no boards or shot attempts, his 3:08 at the Target Center punched his ticket into the world of mediocrity with a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl via foul.

Pistons-Cavs: With 4:12 left in the nationally televised late game, JJ Hickson was crawling nicely into an on-court coma when he attempted to ruin it with a basket - only to accrue a suck-saving 24 second violation! Then he threw the rock at Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson who nervously came close to an assist; Jackson smartly aimed for the rim to prevent Hickson from pinching out a productive statistic.

Unfortunately, a minute or two later, Hickson then grabbed the ball from the rim for a debilitating offensive board, boiling out any last chance at non-notability. Compounding the disappointment was the ultimate stat curse: The ESPN commentators mentioned the fans' free taco excitement (with Cleveland at 99 points) on the last possession RIGHT before Mike Brown ordered Hickson to deny the crustacean crowd their reimbursable dinner. With this extended lacktivity lost, the Crabs looked down the bench and luckily located Lorenzen Wright, whose undersea exploration unlocked a treasure chest of 2.4 trillion as the game ended!

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

I would have loved this play just as much even if Mamba hadn't been the victim. Okay, not really. But seriously, this is awesome.

Labels: Chris Paul, great moments in inbounding history, Kobe Bryant

Artoo says the chances of T-Mac staying healthyare seven hundred seventy-five...to one.
The Basketbawful readers have spoken! (Well, mostly AnacondaHL with a little AK Dave.) And now, I proudly (and very geekily) present: The Official NBA/Star Wars Machinery Crossover List! Many thanks to Evil Ted for the super-quick Photoshoppin'. He could totally Photoshop the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. (And don't even start in with me about how "parsec" is a unit of measurement...)

AT-ST: Paul Pierce
AT-AT: Tyson Chandler
Landspeeder: Brandon Roy
Snowspeeder: Deron Williams
X-Wing: Dwyane Wade
A-Wing: Chris Paul
B-Wing: Chauncey Billups
Y-Wing: Jason Kidd
Jedi Starfighter: Kevin Durant
Millenium Falcon: LeBron James
Slave I: Dwayne Wade
TIE Fighter: Bruce Bowen
TIE Interceptor: Tony Parker
TIE Bomber: Ron Artest
TIE advanced x1: Kobe Bryant
Tantive IV: Dirk Nowitzki
Mon Calamari Cruiser: Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Rebel Medical Frigate: Tracy McGrady
Star Destroyer: Tim Duncan
Super Star Destroyer: Dwight Howard
Death Star: Shaq
Speeder Bike: Mario West
Lambda Shuttle: Jake Voshkul
R2-D2: Nate Robinson
C-3PO: Yao

BadDave and AK Dave also provided the following non-machinery crossovers:

Tauntaun: Brad Miller. Just cut him open for a nice warm nap.
Wampa: Joel Przybilla
Sandcrawler: Glen Davis
Bantha: Kendrik Perkins
Mynock: Kirk Hinrich (...chewing on the power cables...)
Rankor: Joakim Noah

Labels: fan submissions, holy crap we are such geeks, mashups, Star Wars

Amare Stoudemire. Could be out for the rest of the season. Seriously: "The beleaguered Suns announced Friday that Amare Stoudemire was forced to undergo eye surgery to repair a partially detached retina suffered in a Wednesday night rout of the Los Angeles Clippers. It is Stoudemire's second eye injury since October and the All-Star forward could miss the rest of the regular season."

More detailed info: "Dr. Pravin Dugel performed the procedure to repair a partially detached retina in Stoudemire's right eye. The doctor indicated that recovering from such a surgery varies on a case-by-case basis, though the forward's return to physical activity is estimated to be eight weeks."

The official reaction: "We are very glad to hear that Amare should have a 100 percent recovery relative to his vision and his long-term prognosis is excellent," Suns president Steve Kerr said in a statement after Stoudemire had surgery. "Obviously, it is very disappointing to lose him at this time. We are all very excited about the progress the team is making, but Amare's health and the health of all our players is our No. 1 concern." Translation: "F***********K!!" That's pretty much how I feel...

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, eye surgery, Phoenix Suns, well damn

When Rafer Alston is The Face of the NBA's trade deadline,well, you know not much of anything went down.
The NBA trade deadline: Last year's headline-grabbing before-the-deadline trades -- Shaq to Phoenix, Jason Kidd to Dallas -- changed everything without really changing anything. That is, neither player pushed his team over the championship hump (or even out of the first round) and so neither deal convinced GMs around the league to break their salary cap piggy bank in order to acquire a superstar. Between those blockbuster busts (not to mention the way the early-season Not-Answer trade has crippled the Pistons) and the sagging economy, GMs have become more interested in shedding salary than improving their teams in any meaningful way. (Although if anything can bring Larry Hughes' corpse back to life, it's Dr. D'Antonistein.) So: Snap, fizzle, pop. The trade deadline came and went with the best player moved being...Rafer Alston. Zowie! As Dan L. wrote in to say: "I'm sure you've seen this picture that ESPN is using for their trade deadline story. It sure says a lot about the bawfulness of this trade deadline that Rafear Alston is the centerpiece of their coverage."

I think Johnny Ludden of Yahoo! Sports put it best: "The San Antonio Spurs thought they had a deal all but done for Los Angeles Clippers center Marcus Camby only to see it unravel at the deadline. The Portland Trail Blazers boasted for weeks about how Raef LaFrentz's 'super' expiring contract could land them a top-level player. LaFrentz’s contract was so super, in fact, that Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard decided to put it under his pillow at the deadline. ... Even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban didn’t pull the trigger on a move. Out East, the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers also stood pat. Among the contenders, only the Orlando Magic made a basketball trade, acquiring Houston Rockets point guard Rafer Alston. Too many teams were too reluctant to take on money. The Mavericks and Spurs both had interest in Sacramento’s John Salmons, but the Kings were unwilling to assume even the partial $2 million guarantees of Jerry Stackhouse and Bruce Bowen."

Why get better when you can save money? Speaking of which...

The Detroit Pistons: Allen Iverson led the Pistons with 31 points and 7 assists, but Detroit lost at home yet again, this time to the Manu Ginobili-less Spurs. They are now 14-15 at the Palace of Auburn Hills this season...and 2-10 at home in the past six weeks. And now they're looking at a road trip that includes games at Boston, Cleveland, New Orleans and Orlando. It's pretty doubtful they'll return from that little excursion on the plus side of the .500 mark. And right now they're clinging to the seventh playoff spot in the Eastern Conference, which means -- gulp -- Detroit could fail to reach the playoffs. I mean, it's a possibility that's becoming more real with each passing game.

And I'm telling you, the Pistons looked flat, lifeless, out of sync. The Not-Answer's good game seemed to suck all the awesome right out of his teammates. Rodney Stuckey finished with 2 points. Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton combined to score 12 points on 5-for-20 shooting. Rasheed Wallace put up 11 on 17 shots. The depth the team boasted last year with their vaunted Zoo Crew was all but forgotten as coach Michael Curry played only seven men.

Yes, I know the Spurs are good and all, but the Pistons are in disarray...and have been for most of the season. Said Stuckey: "We lost again. I don't know. I really can't explain anything anymore. We just keep losing, and now we've got some great teams to play." That's one seriously bummed out player. Joe Dumars apologists insist that this is all part of a bigger plan to keep Detroit competitive in future seasons. But it sure does suck right now.

Update! Reggie Miller, lousy analysis machine: From Wild Yams: "The highlight of last night for me was definitely when Reggie Miller tried to refute the idea that Allen Iverson has hurt the Pistons this year while simultaneously trying to assert that it's just a coincidence that the Nuggets have been so good with Chauncey Billups, only to have Marv Albert verbally bitch slap him into submission for it. Reggie Miller's insane 'reasoning' for why the Nuggets have been better this year than Detroit has is because Chauncey has a better supporting cast in Denver than Iverson does in Detroit. OK, I'm not even sure if that's true or not, but that aside, Marv pointed out that Chauncey had that same supporting cast in Detroit last year and took them to the Conference Finals (for the 6th straight time), while Iverson had arguably a better supporting cast in Denver last year than Chauncey does this year (Camby & Najera were there last year), yet Iverson only helped the Nuggets to an 8th seed and a 1st round sweep. Reggie's response was to then point out (paraphrasing) 'Yeah, but Chauncey plays with Carmello Anthony...' Speaking of Reggie Miller, I was really struck recently by thinking about what I used to think of the guy when he was a player, particularly in the mid-90s, and how shockingly different he seems now. Miller was the guy who killed the Knicks, taunted Spike Lee with a choking gesture, hit game winners over Jordan, and threw Kobe Bryant over a scorer's table in a brawl. Now he sounds like he's doing commercials for Disney or something. Is there a goofier former player out there? I don't think so."


The Duncan Face: You all remember the Duncan Face, right? Well, as you can see in the picture above, Timmy made it again last night against the Pistons. Dan B. sent in the pic and asked: "Why does Tim Duncan look scared/surprised in this picture?" Here's the answer: At this point, the Duncan Face is an unconcious, instinctive reaction. He can't even control it anymore, just like I can't control the damn eye twitch I get every time somebody brings up Kobe Bryant. (And by "eye twitch" I mean "uncontrollable vomiting.")

Injuries: Boston Celtics fans had to deal with a stomach-clencher last night: Kevin "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!" Garnett strained his right knee going for an alley-oop late in the second quarter and had to hop on his left foot into the locker room. He did not play in the second half. There's been no indication so far how serious the injury may or may not be, but the Celtics are downplaying it. At halftime, Danny Ainge told TNT sideline reporter Cheryl Miller: "He's resting right now. It's been bothering him for a couple of weeks." (A couple of weeks?! That's news.) After the game, Doc Rivers added: "He wanted to run but we have a long season and I'm not taking a risk by putting him on the floor. We would have loved to have him, obviously, it probably would have made a difference. Unless he's close to 100 percent, I'd rather have him healthy for the playoffs. That's how I look at it."

KG didn't stick around to talk to the media, but he did issue the following statement: "As you know, I suffered an injury, a strain to my right knee, during the game and I really don't have any comment about it. I will have the knee re-examined [Friday] and we should have more information at that time. Obviously, I would much rather be playing instead of providing this statement." Obviously. On the bright side, he'll have plenty of time to quest for G. But you know what "No KG" means...

The Boston Celtics: They held up pretty well without KG...for a while. But after building an 11-point third-quarter lead, things fell apart. The C's committed 19 turnovers (off which the Jazz scored 24 points) and missed 10 free throws. Those two things make it pretty hard to win on the road against a reasonably strong team, especially when you're missing your best player (no offense to Paul Pierce). Plus, to be frank, Boston got pushed around a little without KG. Which had to please Jerry Sloan. Speaking of which...

Jerry Sloan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Sent in by Basketbawful reader SN from Germany: "Utah coach Jerry Sloan was uncharacteristically complimentary of his team after the Jazz beat the Celtics 90-85. Utah did it with the kind of style the coach just loves—nasty. 'They put a body on you. They knock you around,' Sloan said of the defending NBA champion. 'Our guys, sometimes we want to play in a tuxedo. And when you’re playing against those guys, you better get it off and get ready to get nasty.'" Wow. Sounds like Jerry needs a bottle of lotion, a box of tissues and a little time alone. From the sound of it, two, maybe three minutes should do it.

Paul Pierce: Without Garnett, Boston turned to the self-proclaimed best player in the world and he...didn't come through. Sure, Pierce scored 20 points, but he committed a game-high 5 turnovers and got shut down by Matt Harpring down the stretch. No, really. Harpring drew a charge and forced Truth into 2-for-9 shooting in the fourth quarter.

Brian Scalabrine: Veal started the third quarter in place of KG drew four fouls in the first 3:30. Obviously, he was channeling the spirit of Greg Kite. (Yes, I know Kite's still alive. That's what makes it so creepy.) Scal ended up fouling out in just under 12 minutes of PT.

Lacktion report: Have you met Chris? Then here, let me introduce you to him...

Spurs-Pistons: San Antonio's Malik Hairston quietly put up a suck differential of +2 in 4:09 via one foul and one missed shot.

Celtics-Jazz: Brevin Knight may have given the Jazz a sold +3 in a full 8:03 via brick, foul, and misplacing the rock into the hands of a Boston player...but Jerry Sloan's commitment to Nintendo technology has increased, with Ronnie Price's 4-second Super Mario providing an upgrade to the 16-bit era!

And while many point to the non-retention of James Posey as one potential reason for the Celtics being just a little bit less of a sure thing to repeat...the trade that sent Patrick O'Bryant to the stone age of bawful in Toronto proves that Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge don't think that this year's team is worthy of multiple human victory cigars, especially with Scalabrine starting to sop up actual productive minutes against his previous championship-winning lacktivity.

(BTW...O'Bryant, Jawai, and Voskuhl: Will they become Toronto's "Little Three" of the lacktator ranks for months to come? Stay tuned! I guess the next step for them is a cheesy public access sports recap show commercial, followed by a preschool paegant-level ad promoting a lemonade stand. AND YES -- one local piece on the trade has already mentioned the three experts at non-contribution as "competing" for a job! Certainly O'Bryant's previous experience as human victory cigar won't be much of an advantage north of the border.)

Jason Williams: The rotting carcass once known as White Chocolate has reached a bony claw from behind the black veil of death to request immediate reinstatement into the NBA. According to an internal league memo. Apparently some dark necromancer noticed that certain teams (such as the Celtics and Rockets) were scrambling around for point guard help and thought: "Teams are seriously considering Stephon Marbury? A cadaver would be a better option at the point. And I'm gonna prove it..."

Kobe Bryant: Mamba walked up to Adam Morrison during practice, grabbed a large hunk of his mustache and tore it out. After Adam stopped crying -- and it took a while -- he asked: "W-w-w-why?!" Replied Kobe: "Because I can." He then put the 'stache chunk up for sale on eBay.

Bonus: Nothing bawful here, but these items are worth a look anyway: Check out one fan's Twitter-assisted run-in with Shaq and go bask in the glory of dunking cheerleaders.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Duncan face, Jason Williams, Kevin Garnett, trade deadline, zombies

Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot: See that picture? Bango got hurt! During All-Star game festivities. No, really.


It's all fun and games until a man dressed as an animal tears his ACL falling through a basketball hoop. The Bucks, of course, released a statement: "While gazelle-like dunks and agile maneuvers around the court will be impossible for a time, the heart of Bucks game-night entertainment and the emotional leader of Bucks fans of all ages will continue to lead fan enthusiasm at home games."

Take-backs: Just when the people of Oklahoma City had something (other than Kevin Durant's scoring) to get excited about, Tyson Chandler magically became a Hornet again. If you consider "failing a physical because of turf toe" to be magical. Wow. This is the first time -- in any sport -- I've heard about a turf-toe condition killing a trade. And he failed a physical because of it? I guess that physical had a lot of toe-related tests. ("Okay, Tyson, we need to you push this two-ton granite slab across the court and then fight off a pack of wild dogs...using only your toe. Now: GO!") Why do I get the feeling that Thunder GM Sam Presti rather have expiring contracts than Chandler's salary, which will be close to $12 million next season?

And now Chandler is heading back to New Orleans. I'm sure he'll be totally psyched to get healthy and play hard for a team that was willing to give him away for table scraps. Can't you just imagine Byron Scott calling him and saying, "Tyson, we NEED you!" and Chandler responding, "Sorry, coach, my toe...it's still pretty sore." I can then envision him hanging up before erupting into evil laughter as he destroys a marble bust of James Bond using the laser attachment on his new bionic toe implant.

The Indiana Pacers: Honestly, they didn't have much of a chance to beat the Bobcats after Danny Granger left the game with a sprained right foot. Granger scored 12 points in 10 minutes before he went down. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "Not enough weapons. When we lost Danny, obviously that hurts a great deal. We just didn't make enough shots. We had a lot of open shots in the fourth quarter, point-blank shots, and didn’t make them." By the way, Granger is currently sixth in the league in scoring (behind D-Wade, LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Durant and Dirk Nowitzki) at 25.0 PPG. But he plays for the Pacers, so it's like those points don't even exist. I might as well say he's averaging 43 snipe per game and has collected two pieces of the Triforce so far this season.

By the way, Indiana's Troy Murphy is averaging 13.1 PPG, 11.4 RPG and 43 percent three-point shooting. Meanwhile, New York's David Lee is averaging 16.4 PPG, 11.8 RPG and 56 percent shooting (all layups). Only nobody (outside of the beat writers covering the Pacers for the Associated Press) is talking about Murphy while many people are all like, "OH MY GOD, DAVID LEE!" I'm not trying to agree with Bill Simmons or anything, but Mike D'Antoni sure has changed the perception of Lee's career.

Update! I swear I'm not talking out of my you-know-what here. Take a look at Lee's advanced stats. Now look at Murphy's. Lee is a couple points ahead in PER, but he's played almost 200 more minutes and has a higher Usage Rate (19.1 to 16.1). But their Per 36 Minute numbers are pretty much the same, as are their Offensive/Defensive Ratings and True Shooting Percentage. Lee's one big advantage over Murphy, as Wild Yams pointed out, is contract size: Lee's contract is $4.47 million for this year and next year while Murphy's is $33.14m for the next three years. But keep in mind that Lee will be a restricted free agent this summer...and people will be throwing money at him. I guarantee it. So that advantage may not be so advantageous six months from now...

Ben Wallace: AK Dave turned me on to this story: "Wallace explained Wednesday how he cut his right arm crashing through a car window during a street football game in Richmond, Va., over the All-Star break. Wallace needed 14 stitches to close the cut, then had more glass removed from his arm at the Cleveland Clinic the following day. ... Asked who won the collision with the car, Wallace said he did, then paused. 'I guess,' he said. 'The window didn't bleed. I don't think it was made to bleed.' The play didn’t go down as a reception, either. 'That was the biggest disappointment,' Wallace said. 'I dropped the ball. That's good D.'"

As AK Dave put it: "Riiiight...that's the biggest disappointment? How about cutting the shit out of your arm and injuring yourself playing a game that thousands of school children manage to play everyday withOUT ramming into parked cars?" One good thing did come out of the injury, though...

Delonte West, advice machine: Also pointed out by AK Dave. Said Wallace: "Delonte told everybody, 'When you go on this break, don't do anything that's going to stop you from coming back and being with the team. Be careful, get a couple of workouts in and just enjoy the break.' I should have taken his advice." Who would have guessed that listening to Delonte West could help anyone avoid tragedy.

Shawn Marion: Finally! Finally The Matrix is out of the shadows of guys like Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Dwyane Wade. And with Chris Bosh still out with a knee injury, the Craptors became Marions team...if only for a night. Well, I know what you're thinking, Shawn, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since your bitched and moaned your way out of Phoenix: Why, oh why didn't you take the blue pill? Marion scored only 10 points on 4-for-9 shooting to go with 6 rebounds, 6 assists and 2 blocked shots in a game-high 40 minutes. Not exactly the kind of superstar impact you might from a guy who whined and pouted his way into a trade last year when Steve Kerr didn't give him a max contract extension. As an aside, the Craptors shot 36 percent, scored only 76 points and lost by 17 at home to the Craboliers. And Marion didn't have much impact on Toronto's team defense, either, since the Crabs shot almost 60 percent for the game.

Here's some bonus Matrix, regarding his unhappiness in Miami (via dunkside): "The game is supposed to be exciting. I'm tired of playing that boring style in the half court, watching everybody just go up and run plays, call this play. That's boring. The fans don't enjoy it either. People like to see you get up and down, have high-scoring games and dunks and all that stuff. That's what it's about." Reminder: This is the same guy who WANTED OUT OF PHOENIX. Wow. Still, it could have been worse. The Craptors could still have...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Heat are a mere one game into the Jermaine O'Neal Era and Pat Riley is already finding out why I call him "The Drain." O'Neal scored 13 points (6-for-9), but he only grabbed a single, lonely rebound in 27 minutes. One board, Jermaine? Really?! To put that into perspective, Brian Cardinal -- yes, that Brian Cardinal -- grabbed 10 rebounds in 16 minutes as part of 49-24 Minnesota's 49-24 rebounding advantage. And then there was The Drain's in-game injury: "[O'Neal] sustained a right eye injury in the third quarter and missed 13 minutes before returning late." Yeah, it was a freak accident. But for a guy who couldn't say healthy if you locked him in a plastic bubble...not too surprising, either. Said The Drain: "I would not have scripted this for my first game. Absolutely not."

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had his routinely spectacular game -- 37 points, 12 assists, 4 steals, only 1 turnover -- but the Heat lost at home to the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves. The reasons included poor rebounding (as described above), bad defense (Minny shot almost 54 percent) and an inability to stop Sebastian Telfair, who had a career-high 30 points and 8 assists. Said Wade: "It's a terrible loss." And that's a terrible understatement.

Kevin McHale (via Sebastian Telfair), quote machine: After the game, Telfiar described McHale's pregame motivational speech: "He asked us if we were going to be pros or punks. We decided to be pros." Can you imagine McHale, who looks like an elderly Herman Munster, asking a bunch of young ball players if they want to be punks? That's comedy.

The Philadelphia 76ers: What happened to the run? What happened to the fun? The previous night's road loss to the Pacers was followed up by a double-digit home loss to the Nuggets. Philly shot only 32 percent and missed 10 free throws. And you know who hurt the Sixers the most...?

Andre Iguodala: The Sixers were recently "re-Branded" Iggy's team. Last night, fouled out after only 27 minutes during which he scored 10 points (1-for-6), matched Jermaine O'Neals rebounding effort for the Heat and committed 3 turnovers. Way to lead by example, Andre. Assuming you're leading your team to Failsville.

The Orlando Magic: You know what hurts? I'll tell you: 32-point losses in which a team shoots 37 percent while "limiting" their opponent to just under 60 percent accuracy. And the 16 missed free throws? Salt in the gooey wound. Oh, and you can squirt some lemon juice on it too, since Dwight Howard's double-double streak was stuffed and mounted. And yes, I realize I stat cursed him yesterday. My bad. But in all fairness, Stan Van Gundy sat him when the game got out of hand. He would have gotten those extra two rebounds if he'd played more than 29 minutes.

Stan Van Gundy, excuse machine: Chris Paul sliced and diced the Magic for 36 points (14-for-22), 6 rebounds, 10 assists and 3 steals. And apparently, beyond the numbers, he also caused Orlando's entire roster to forget how to play the game of basketball. Said Stan the Man: "It was one of those nights a player just obliterated us. You can complain about your defense all you want, but sometimes great players just make you look worse than you are." Sorry, Stan. Paul didn't make your team look bad. He just held up the mirror.

P.S. The Magic need Jameer Nelson back. Badly.

The Milwaukee Bucks: If you were going to guess that someone on the Bulls beat the Bucks with a season-high 31 points that included an 18-point fourth-quarter explosion, you'd probably assume it was Ben Gordon, Derrick Rose or even Luol Deng. But nope: It was Kirk Hinrich, who shot 8-for-14 from the field, 5-for-6 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. He also had 4 steals, two of which came on back-to-back possessions during a crucial stretch in the final period after Milwaukee had pulled to within three points. Kirk went the other way for a layup after the first steal, hit a triple after the second, and then hit a jumper the next time Chicago had the ball to put the Bulls up by 10. That was the game-breaker. So, to sum up: Milwaukee was owned by Captain Kirk Hinrich. Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles: "Kirk had a great game, obviously shooting the ball and scoring. He just took our guards and made us look pretty silly on several occasions because he was playing so hard." Substitute "silly" for "sad," and you're right on the mark, Scott.

The New Jersey Nets: They were blasted by the Mavericks and Jason Kidd (23 points, 7-for-10, 10 assists) made Mark Cuban look like a genuis...for a night. Kidd also hit five of his six three-pointers, whereas Devin Harris, Kidd's All-Star replacement in New Jersey, missed all six of his triples and shot 5-for-18 overall (and he had a game-high 4 turnovers). When you get beaten, and soundly, because of Jason Kidd's SHOOTING, well, it's time to start putting hands in people's faces. Sidenote: Vince Carter scored 15 points on 21 shots and had a plus-minus score of -19.

The Sacramento Kings: J-Kidd wasn't the only player to have a revenge game last night. Mike Bibby tormented his old team by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting and going number two in the visitors locker room without flushing the toilet. Sacto now has the NBA's worst record at 11-44. But hey, at least they have Andres Nocioni and his giant contract that runs through, what, 2017?

Kevin Martin, "I know who that guys is" machine: Regarding Bibster's performance: "Bibby was Bibby tonight." True. But who knows? Maybe tonight he'll be Juan, the naughty cabana boy...

Portland Trail Blazer fans: Get this: They booed Darius Miles last night, presumably because he cost them all that cap room by, you know, getting healthy and resuming a career that the Blazers tried to prevent him from resuming. What a bastard. Said Miles: "I got booed when I had a Portland jersey on. It's not the first time I’ve heard them."

Greg Oden: Okay. It's official. The Blazers should have taken Durant.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, the Clippers are a joke. We know that. But damn: They gave up 140 points for the second night in a row to the same team, only this time it happened at home. In professional wrestling terms, that makes them a jobber. What, does Mike Dunleavy Sr. have some stake in keeping Amare Stoudemire in Phoenix? Not only did his team make Steve Kerr look like a genius for firing Terry Porter and putting Alvin Gentry in charge, they pretty much killed any possibility that the Suns will deal STAT. Amare scored 41 points on 15-for-20 shooting, and 29 of those came in the first half. The Suns shot almost 60 percent and commmited only 7 turnovers. Oh, and Goran Dragic dunked on them AGAIN (on his way to scoring 12 points on 5-for-7 shooting). Way to be a bunch of shooting props, Clippers.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: Thanks to Clifton for providing this one: "Camby, who had his ear drained Wednesday, is awaiting work on whether he'll get medical clearance to fly to Portland for the Sunday's game. 'We're inventing new ways to get hurt,' Dunleavy said. 'I mean, in the annals of the league, what's the percentages of one of your players flying on an airplane and his ear drum caves in? I mean, it's like, what other kind of injury can happen?'" Wow. I hope he knocked on some wood when he said that. As Clifton put it: "Ohhhhh. Stat curse, Señor Dunleavy. I'm calling it. How wacky can we go? Frostbite from a freak liquid-nitrogen accident? Critically infected papercut on the tongue from licking an envelope longways instead of up-and-down? Or will they just start listing 'apathy' as a documented reason for missing games?"

The Golden State Warriors: They led against the Lakers for most of the game, and could have won with only a few defensive stops in the final minutes. Defensive stops? The Warriors?! Bwahahahahaha! Yeah. L.A. went on a late 17-3 run that began with back-to-back threes by Trevor Ariza, who padded his stats by scoring 17 points on 7-for-12 shooting. Said Ariza: "I just hit open shots, that was it. The ball came to me, and I had nothing but time, so it was like playing in practice." That's the Warriors' D for you: It's like playing in practice.

Lacktion report: Chris came here to report lacktion and chew bubble gum. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Nuggets-Sixers: Renaldo Balkman gave Denver a 1.7 trillion payday!

Pacers-Bobcats: Juwan Howard pressed "Start" on his bawful evening with a 37-second Mario for Larry Brown.

Grizzlies-Blazers: Greg Buckner may have gone against form with three lacktion-ruining boards, but luckily Marko Jaric saved the day as a substitute lacktator, bricking twice for a suck differential of +2 in 4:04.

Hawks-Kings: The statline difference between sometimes-lacktator Acie Law and THE Mario West shows why one Hawk will be on a first-name basis for years, while the other needed a failed bet to get on the news. Law laid down a brick, but then handcuffed himself with an assist, while Mr. West once again dusted off a cartridge with his namesake stat, a 12 second Mario that somehow included a foul!

Lakers-Warriors: Don Nelson had Jermareo Davidson stomp a Goomba tonight with a single-brick 40-second Mario.

Tom Ziller, quote machine: Mr. Ziller recently had this to say about our intrepid lacktion reporter: "That Chris guy is hilarious. I didn't know we had funny people in Sacramento. Send my thumbs up."

Siohvaughn Wade: Pookie is suing his ex-wife for defamation after she claimed he cheated on her and gave her an STD. You can't make this stuff up.

Rick Adelman: Adelman got upset at Knee-Mac for not informing the team of his decision to shut down for the season and get microfracture surgery for his achy-breaky knee before he went to the media. Said Rick: "There should be a protocol, there should be a procedure where we have a chance to sit down and talk about the situation and not be announced in the press. I don't know why that happened, why he did that. Certainly, that is not the way things should be handled." True. But then, the Rockets probably should have noticed that their was something worse than "general soreness" going on with McGrady's knee for the past several months. They told him he just had to play his knee back to health. Whoops.

Stuart Scott: I got the following email from Basketbawful reader William:

This didn't happen on the court, but I think it qualifies for a "Worst of." Background, I'm a C's fan, watching the Hornets-Magic game on ESPN. At halftime Stuart Scott tosses out this gem:

"Here's another reason why Boston might need to make a trade, because last year they had the best record in the East, and it took them seven games to beat Cleveland. Right now, the Cavaliers have the best record in the East. And they are running away with the East."

Last time I checked the standings (which was after the Cav's win tonight) they looked like this: Boston 44-11, Cleveland 41-11.

I know everyone hates the Celtics, but is it really fair to just flat-out lie about the standings? Or is he just too lazy to check said standings? Being behind by three in the win column is not 'running away with the East.' And can we please drop the 'seven games' bull? Yes, the Cavs took us to a decisive seventh game. The Hawks did too. That is not an accomplishment. Getting a ring is an accomplishment.

Penn State versus Illinois: This is a real final score: Penn St. 38, Illinois 33. Dear God. And Rush the Court pointed out that: "...as ESPN’s copy editors put it, Penn St. powered past Illinois." I'm getting cold chills. Not the good kind, either. (Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, rescinded trades, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler

Watch Goran Dragic Tragic amble* in for an uncontested flush** against Clipper the Friendly Ghost. From the three-point line. (Thanks DKH.) Note the mocking laughter by new Suns coach Alvin Gentry. I bet that made Zach Randolph want to punch somebody. Again I mean.


*Would you describe Goran's drive as an amble, gad about, gallivant, jaunt, promenade, saunter, stroll or traipse? Discuss.

**From now on, each and every shot that's jammed through the hoop against the Clippers shall be referred to as a "flush," because they remind me of poo.

Labels: Alvin Gentry, Goran Dragic, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix Suns, Zach Randolph likes hitting people

The eye candy doesn't change the fact that the Thunder's newmascot is somewhere between "totally lame" and "gak."
Shaq: When asked recently whether Dwight Howard was the closest thing to Shaq since Shaq, The Big Cranky said: "No. Not at all. He's a good player. He can jump. But no. I was the type of player that they had to have secret meetings and change the rules and do all that. Probably never be another me. He's a good player, but everything he's done, I've invented. So I'm not impressed. He's a good player, a fabulous player. But for me to get my eyes wide open about another big man, he'll have to do something that I haven't seen before or something that I haven't invented." Shaq also added: "Turkoglu is probably the MVP of their team." In that light, I'm sure The Big Load really enjoyed showing Howard up at the All-Star Game. Seriously, +1 to Shaq.

But last night, however, it was +45/19/8 for Superman. Howard had a career-high 45 points to compliment his 19 rebounds and 8 blocks in leading the Orlando Magic to a 107-102 overtime victory over the Charlotte Bobcats. Stan Van Gundy, who doles out hyperbolic compliments warily and rarely, said: "Dwight was unbelievable, unbelievable. I mean phenomenal. He just put us on his back. That's leadership right there, that kind of play on the floor. It kept everyone else motivated."

According to the Elias Sports Bureau: Since the NBA started recording blocked shots for the 1973-74 season, no NBA player ever has had this many points, rebounds and blocks in the same game. Howard also tied The Big Historian's franchise record by notching his 18th straight double-double. If he breaks that record tonight in New Orleans, think Shaq will give him any credit? No, me neither.

(Oh and by the way: Everything Shaq claims to have "invented" was actually invented by Wilt Chamberlain first. Only bigger. And better. I'm just sayin'.)

Stat update: From Basketbawful reader Ruben: "Finally! Another Calvin Murphy! I've been checking the box scores for the last 6-8 weeks, and this is only the second one. (Brad Miller's near triple-double. LeBron with 14 assists and 9 rebounds on the same night doesn't really count.) Okafor got his share of history with a 14 point and 9 rebound Calvin Murphy on the same day as being dominated by Dwight's 45 and 19. Interestingly, Okafor is one of the players closest to averaging a Calvin Murphy, averaging 14/10.8. Others are: Andrew Bynum (14/8.2), Nene (14.7/8.1) and Paul Millsap (14.8/9.2). Having followed this stat so closely has made me realise how rare it is, and that we should truly celebrate this feat in all its bawful glory."

The Washington Wizards Generals: I know. They won. But coughing up a 19-point lead at home against the Minnesota Timberwolves -- who are playing without their "coulda been an All-Star" Al Jefferson -- and then eking out a 111-103 win (that was pretty close until the final minute) didn't exactly inspire me to drop the whole "Generals" shtick. Said Mike James: "We couldn't have lost this game. This was a game where we were in control most of the game -- and then in the third quarter, they rallied and made it a basketball game. We had to come out and solidify ourselves." Solid as a styrofoam rock, Mikey. Speaking of James...

Oleksiy Pecherov: From Basketbawful reader Andrei: "I'm sure that no one saw this since it came at the end of Wizards-T-Wolves game, but after Mike James hit a three towards the end of the game to put the Wizards up four, Oleg Pecherov did the Pedro Cerrano Big Balls Dance. The Wizards held on to win the game despite the premature celebration. I suppose the only question that remains is whether this should count in Big Balls Dance stats as a win considering the teams and players involved?" Good question, Andrei. Here's my roundabout answer. You know how after big-time games -- the Super Bowl, the deciding game of the NBA Finals, etc. -- somebody on the winning team always thanks God for the victory? Forget for a second that that's crazy. It could be proof that God only cares about important games that involve important players. Last night's Wolves-Wizards matchup clearly doesn't fall into that category. Ergo the Big Balls Dance Curse was not invoked. Pecherov is basically a basketball non-entity. He doesn't even warrant a stat curse.

Mike Miller: Memo to Mr. Miller: You're a shooter, not a slasher. Stick to doing what you do. Do you see me trying to be not-awesome? Exactly.


The Philadelphia 76ers: They shot 38 percent from the floor, goinked 10 free throws and fell into a 20-point hole from which they could not climb out. Meanwhile, the Pacers were dropping buckets like it was a layup drill. Indy had five players in double figures: Danny Granger (20), Troy Murphy scored (17, including 8 in the fourth quarter), Roy Hibbert (14), T.J. Ford (also 14), Jarrett Jack (12) and Marquis Daniels (11). Said Sixers coach Tony DiLeo: "They have a quick moving offense and everyone gets good opportunities. That doesn't surprise me they had so many in double figures." Surprise, no. But it should probably, I dunno, shame you a little.

The Detroit Pistons: The Pistons are descending into horror faster than the main character in a Steven King novel. And a King character would probably have more hope for the immediate future than Detroit does. Last night, the Pistons failed at home against a Milwuakee team that's playing without their two best players (Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut) and Luke Ridnour. The latest humiliation dropped them to 2-9 at the Palace in the last six weeks. They were 34-7 at home last season. Said the Not-Answer: "You are supposed to play your best basketball at home, and we obviously aren't doing that. I don't think there's any focus. It's easy to be focused when you are on the road and have 20,000 of their fans cheering against you, but you can't come home and expect your fans to win the games for you. They help, but you've got to play."

Added Pistons coach Michael Curry: "People look at this team and see three faces from the 2004 championship, but this is a different team. We've tried some things to get this team more used to playing well here, but we just aren't playing good basketball anywhere right now." Very true. But don't worry, Detroit fans. All this losing, it's all part of the plan. Just ask Joe Dumars. Anyway...

Allen Iverson: Detroit is now 23-25 since trading for the Not-Answer.

The San Antonio Spurs: Alrighty then. The Spurs have lost two in a row to the Craptors (21-34) and the Knicks (22-31). Didn't they just beat the Celtics in Boston a little over a week ago? Weird. And San Antonio's defense was dismantled by Krypto-Nate Robinson, who scored 32 points and grabbed 10 rebounds. And yes, he out-boarded everybody on the Spurs roster except Tim Duncan. Not bad for somebody who would have to take an elevator to reach four feet tall. But while Nate was playing big, another little guy was playing quite small...

Tony Parker: Coming off his woeful performance in the Skills Challenge, TP scored only 14 points on 20 shots. Two of his attempts were fed back to him by Wilson Chandler. And those stuffs were the only blocks that the Knicks recorded last night. Said Parker: "I was missing layups. I was missing everything tonight. (Nate) was making shots. He was the opposite of me."

Rumble the Bison: The Golden State Warriors had to give up their mascot for this thing? Really?! That's...great.

Tracy McGrady: Here's some breaking news that should come as a shock to nobody: Knee-Mac is done for the season. This of course contradicts previous reports indicating that McGrady has yet to play at all this season. I wonder if Kenny Smith will revise his "Rockets to win it all" prediction now? Sadly, this story is taking a pretty sinister turn...

The Houston Rockets medical staff: The doctors said he could play through the pain, that performing his basketball duties couldn't make things any worse. Now it looks like Tracy will need to undergo microfracture surgery on his left knee. If the report is true then, man, that's a pretty big mistake to make with a $100 million knee. I'm talking a mistake of career-threatening proportions. As if McGrady wasn't already a tragic figure.

Devin Harris: The Nets were thumped by the Tracy McGrady-less Rockets last night by the score of 114-88. They are now 13-23 -- a full 10 games below .500 -- since Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." If the playoffs started today, the Nets would not be invited to the party. As a side note, Harris scored 10 points on 14 shots and finished with only 4 assists. As always, I'm just sayin'.

The Memphis Grizzlies: It's not so much the 18-point loss as this blurb I noticed in the game notes section of the AP recap: "Jarron Collins got his second start of the season and scored all of his season-high eight points in the third quarter." Seriously, who lets Jarron Collins explode for an 8-point quarter? Olden Polynice could probably come out of retirement -- make that "out of the crypt" -- and drop a double-double on these guys.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Beware the dead coach bounce! Alvin Gentry put the fun and the gun back into the Phoenix Suns, for one night at least. Against the Clippers. The 140-100 beatdown was so ugly that Skynet is currently sending an army of hunter-killer cyborgs to 1984 to keep the Clippers from moving to Los Angeles. We can only pray they succeed. The Suns scored 38 points in the first quarter. They shot 75.6 percent from the floor during the first 24 minutes. And, by the half, Phoenix had more points in the paint (50) than the Clippers had total (49). Other tidbits include: Phoenix scored a season-high 81 points in the first half and finished with a season-best 140 points; the Suns beat the Clippers by 40 points, the largest margin of victory following a coaching change in NBA history; and this was the Suns' fifth 140-point game (second in regulation) dating back to the 1995-96 season. Oh yeah, and they grabbed almost 40 more rebounds (58-21)!! The Clippers: They are who we thought they were. Speaking of which...

Zach Randolph: Z-Bo likes to fight, so much so that he once punched teammate Ruben Patterson in the face during practice. Well, some things never change, I guess, since Zach threw a fierce punch at Louis Amundson last night. I was really hoping Amundson would retaliate with a Sonic Boom or maybe a Flash Kick, but no such luck. Here's the video:


What was Zach's rationale for the attack? He claims Louis tried to kiss him. No, I'm serious. "He ran up in my face, I just got him up out of my face. He hopped up, got in my face and almost kissed me in my mouth, so I just pushed him out of my face." Pushed? Wait, it wasn't a punch, then? "If I would have hit him, he wouldn't have got up off the ground." Wow. What a tough guy. Sure, he's living in his own separate reality where "pushing" someone is done with a closed fist and everyone should fear his mighty, bone-crushing strength. But he's tough. No fifth grade girl would ever mess with him. (For the record, I'm betting David Stern will consider that "push" a "punch.")

Amundson's take: "Basically, he just threw me down when I was going for a rebound. I was on the floor and could feel him on top of me, kind of like stepping on me -- I don't know what he was trying to do. So I got up, and I was pretty upset about the whole situation, got in his face, then he did what he did. I'm not going to back down from anybody. I don't care who you are in this league. I was getting in his face, but I wasn't trying to kiss him." Sorry, Zach. No man love for you.

The Atlanta Hawks: They held Kobe Bryant to a season-low 10 points on 4-for-12 shooting...and lost by 13 in L.A. They probably should have tried to keep an eye on Pau Gasol (12 points, 13 rebounds, 10 assists) and Lamar Odom (15 points, 20 boards) too. And shot better than 36 percent while they were at it. That probably would have helped.

Update! More from Wild Yams: "I just wanted to post a bit about last night's "effort" by the Hawks, because today's writeup didn't fully capture how miserable they were. Not only were they outrebounded 67-39, but they also gave up 28 offensive rebounds (two short of a Laker franchise record). In addition, Pau Gasol had a triple-double before the 3rd quarter ended, the Hawks got some really favorable road cookin' with a 28-10 FTA advantage, and still the game was such a blowout Gasol and Bryant didn't play at all in the fourth quarter. The final score didn't reflect how uncompetitive the game was, as the Lakers led by 21 with less than 2 minutes to play. The Lakers actually came out slow to start the night and trailed 24-15 before going on a 50-18 run that stretched from the 1st quarter through the 3rd to put the game well out of reach. It was eerily similar to what happened the last time Atlanta played the Lakers at Staples center almost a year ago to the day, when LA had a 56-16 run against the Hawks to give them a 41 point first half lead. Maybe Atlanta needs to look into finding a different hotel to stay at when visiting Los Angeles? Really, when Pau Gasol has more assists than any three players on the other team combined, you know it was bad."

Update! Mario West: Basketbawful reader Dana nominated the following rather fantastic smother chicken of Mario "The Mario" West for a WotN. And rightfully so. By the way, almost seven minutes of PT for Mario? You know it's a blowout when...


Kobe Bryant: Mamba filled Luke Walton's jock strap with Ben-Gay. It was a painful discovery, but Luke was still mildly relieved. He asked, semi-hopefully, "Is that it?" Kobe replied: "Wait for it...waaaaait for it." Then an anvil fell on Luke.

Lacktion Report: I can tell you one thing about Chris: Lacktion is his business, and business is good.

Sixers-Pacers: Marreese Speights' ability to deliver a negatory statline is rather underrated, with a non-clutch suck differential of +3 in 2:06 consisting of a brick and two fouls.

Spurs-Knicks: Madison Square Garden hosted an 8-bit overtime game, as San Antonio's Ime Udoka and New York's Anthony Roberson became opposing-team Mario Brothers (45 and 41 seconds respectively), though Ime apparently had a fireflower along the way via successfully blasting it once from downtown.

Bucks-Pistons: As predicted in the original WOTD definition, Dan Gadzuric racked up a Voskuhl once more! Tonight he produced a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 (one foul and two bricks against nothing positive) that also racked him a +3 in 2:59.

Grizzlies-Jazz: Quinton Ross shouldn't worry anymore about his investments in this down economy, as he filled his coffers with a three trillion for Memphis! Utah's Kyrylo Fesenko was out of his brain in 5:15 with a bit of a Voskuhl at 3:2, three fouls against two made free throws.

Hawks-Lakers: Thomas Gardner spent 5:04 of forgettable floor time for Atlanta earning a +2 via bricks.

Shawn Marion: From flohtingPoint: "I find it a bit funny that Marion, someone who already deals with a huge inferiority complex, has been traded for not one, but two washed up O'Neals." 'Nuff said.

Labels: Dwight Howard, Rumble the Bison, Shaq, Tracy McGrady, Washington Wizards

First Pat Riley handed Shawn Marion cab fare and a one-way plane ticket to Toronto in order to acquire Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- on the books for only $23 million next season! -- and now the New Orleans Hornets are shipping Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for The Expiring Contracts of Joe Smith and Chris Wilcox. Awesome.

And in case you were wondering: Yes, it's a salary dump. According to Marc Stein: "With a payroll at nearly $67 million this season and scheduled to reach almost $77 million next season, New Orleans felt it had to part with Chandler before Thursday's 3 p.m. trading deadline regardless, even though dealing away the 26-year-old almost certainly takes the Hornets out of serious playoff contention in the West."

No word yet on how Chris Paul feels about the move -- chances are he's too busy throwing up in his own mouth to comment -- but David West is NOT a fan: "I don't know if that's somebody we can afford to lose. So I'm not sold on that idea. You just don't find a 7-foot-1 athlete like that and he's the only 7-footer we have. Especially if we're planning on making a run into the playoffs, we're going to need size to compete with Portland, San Antonio and the Lakers. I'm not sure that would help us." It won't, David. It wasn't meant to. In related news, following a rainbow will not lead you to a leprechaun's magical pot of gold.

Great move for the Thunder, though, assuming Chandler ever gets healthy. I know the Thunder Cats have been an ongoing punchline around these parts, but seriously, with the way Kevin Durant is developing, they might be only another year or two away from actual mediocrity, even competence. Which is more sweet torment for the denizens of Seattle. The only way those poor people could receive a more thorough cornholing would be if the Thunder won a title within the next five years. Don't laugh. It could happen. Just ask Cleveland Browns fans.

Also, some people have been asking what I think about the Marion-for-O'Neal trade. Simply put: Very little. The Drain won't make Miami any better until the summer of 2010...when his contract comes off the books. Besides, he's already played, what, 41 games this season? He's almost reached his 50-game quota, after which his total value is reduced by exactly one Jermaine O'Neal plus a Jamal Tinsley. (Could Chris Quinn be this year's Jamal Tinsley? Stay tuned.) The move will give Michael Beasley some room to grow, though, since he's likely to take over Marion's spot in the starting lineup. And he's the future, whereas Marion was a placeholder. So there's that.

As for Toronto, well, they'd have to start running the ball for Marion to have an appreciable impact. (Trading for Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire and then bringing in Mike D'Antoni to coach would help, too.) Some people believe Marion could be the do-everything guy that the Craptors have needed, but isn't that sort of what the Heat thought when they got him? And with O'Neal gone, who's going to guard the big boys? 'Cause you know Chris Bosh doesn't want that job. On the upside, Marion's contract expires this summer, which will allow the Craptors to pursue top-notch free agents like Allen Iverson, Ron Artest, Rasheed Wallace, Jason Kidd, Mike Bibby, Drew Gooden.... So, you know, they're totally screwed.

Meaningless trade update: The Boston Celtics are sending Sam Cassell to the Sacramento Kings, otherwise known as Suburb B of Basketball Hell. In return, the Celtics will receive a future second-round pick they will never, under any circumstances, actually use. This, of course, on-ups Detroit's trade of Alex Acker to the Clippers for the right to swap future second-rounders they won't use either.

Labels: Chris Wilcox, Joe Smith, Sam Cassell, trades, Tyson Chandler

The Suns' Jason Richardson wascharged with unspeakable evil.
Jason Richardson of the Phoenix Suns did some hard time on Sunday night for driving 90 in a 35-mph zone in Scottsdale, Arizona, as his three-year-old son was rolled around "unrestrained" in the back seat, presumably while bound in barbed wire and covered in crawling insects. The official charges include: Endangerment, reckless driving, failure to use a child seat, excessive speed, and "being way more evil than Hitler ever was, even after his living brain was transplanted into that nuclear-powered robot body."

Parent groups are calling for an immediate execution by lethal ass-kicking, or at the very least permanent exile to some ghastly hell dimension where he will be transformed into a shapeless blob of flesh that can neither cry out in pain nor die, after which he will be beaten forever with a club made out of rusty metal and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also, Doogie Howser, M.D. will be playing endlessly in the background. Some are calling the proposed punishment "too humane," while others believe "it's a good start."

Speaking of punishments, the Suns -- who absolutely WILL NOT TOLERATE such intolerable behavior -- have suspended Richardson without pay for Tuesday night's home game against the Los Angeles Clippers. Said Suns President of Basketball Operations and General Manager Steve Kerr: "This is about sending a message that our organization will not abide by such reprehensible behavior, even if it means severely handicapping ourselves during a game in our home arena against a bitter division rival like the Clippers. Seriously! They once took us to seven games in the 2006 NBA playoffs! And I assure you, this is only the first measure. We're also looking into docking his $30 per diem money when we play the Clippers in L.A. on Wednesday, and maybe even limiting him to one massage per day...indefinitely." Kerr then placed a pinky finger to his lips before reaching down with the other hand to depress a "Destroy The Phoenix Suns Forever" button, after which he erupted in mirthless laughter.

A remoseful Richardson is taking his medicine without the usual spoonful of sugar, but he can't understand why people are questioning his daddy skillz: "I just want to apologize to everybody, teammates, my family, especially my fiancee. This is a tough time for me. I've been questioned as a basketball player, questioned as a person, but my fatherhood in question is tough, because I try to be the best father I can be and try to keep my kids out of harm's way." This statement was issued shortly after Richardson finished throwing his children through flaming hoops but just before he used a bow and arrow to shoot various pieces of fruit off of the top of their angelic heads.

Labels: Jason Richardson, Phoenix Suns, Steve Kerr, unspeakable evil

So DJ Mbenga and Chris Mihm had a tiff during Lakers practice that fell somewhere between "pillow fight" and "slap battle"...and it made the news?! Man, I had worse fights in middle school when my best friend and I disagreed over who got to be Snake-Eyes when we were playing G.I. Joe. (Or "Joes" as he called it.) Not to alarm you, but sometimes blood was involved. Trust me: Nobody wanted to end up being Skidmark or, God forbid, Chuckles.


According to the OC Register: "Tempers flared Monday between Mihm and little-used center D.J. Mbenga during the team's full-court scrimmage. Mihm accused Mbenga of elbowing him twice in the face and Mbenga, who clearly was more incensed, had to be restrained from going after Mihm. However, they left the court together later chatting amiably."

I'm glad those crazy kids worked things out. But this shouldn't really surprise anyone. There had to be an equal-but-opposite reaction to the truce that has seemingly formed between Shaq and Kobe. Nature does abhor a vacuum, after all. But, uh, DJ: You should probably get off the 'roids anyway.

Labels: childhood memories, Chris Mihm, DJ Mbenga, G.I. Joes, Los Angeles Lakers, Snake-Eyes

No, no, no, Timmy. The correct call was "Right hand Genitals." KG wins.


Thanks to Sky Flakes for the picture.

Labels: All-Star Game, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Twister

In all honesty, I could probably just nominate the entire All-Star Weekend for a "Worst of." Millions of people vote for the All-Star starters, approximately 100 times that many people bitch and moan about who did or didn't make it in, and then NBA fans as a collective unit either dismiss or openly hate the game as well as all the side-events and hoopla that surround it. Plus, the players do the same thing. They go on and on about this or that teammate who should have gotten in, and then the guys who DO make it more or less sleepwalk through the three-day gala. I've never seen so many people care so avidly about something they couldn't care less about. But, since my pact with the Devil forces me to provide the masses with free comedy, here we go:

Dwyane Wade's fashion sense: If you watched the Rookie Challenge, you probably noticed that Steve Urkel was an assistant coach for the rookie team. But here's the thing: Jaleel White would have had to have taken an Andre the Giant-sized dose of HGH to fill out like that. (Plus, I'm pretty sure he served me at T.G.I. Friday's this weekend.) No, it was actually Dwyane Wade, who apparently got dressed by running through Bozo the Clown's closet at full speed with his eyes closed. The ensemble included a blue sports coat over a yellow v-neck sweater with a bow tie and glasses. Explained Wade: "It was a combination of a lot of different things. It was a tribute to one of my assistant coaches in Miami -- Keith Askins. He wears a bow tie. So I told him during the season, 'I'm going to show you how to wear it.' Also, I just wanted to try something new, being conservative. I brought the glasses because I was a coach so I thought I would look smart." Well, uh, misery accomplished, Pookie. Of course, it would turn out that Wade's outfit was only the second-worst clothing choice of the weekend. But more on that below.

Bill Laimbeer: Ugh. I would have rather seen him in D-Wade's outfit...even if Wade was still in it at the time:


When I see Karl Malone these days, I think: "Man, I hope I look that good when I'm his age." When I see Bill, I think: "If I ever look like that, I hope someone will shoot at me. And shoot to kill." This isn't the other fashion faux pas I was referring too, by the way. Keep reading. (P.S. Yes, I know this is last year's picture of Bill. I couldn't get one from this year. Can anybody help me out?)

The Rookie Challenge: The rooks actually have two wins in this series, in 2000 and 2002. (And get this: Dirk Nowitzki, a former regular season MVP, and Paul Pierce, last year's Finals MVP, were both on the sophomore team that lost in 2000.) But the sophomores still have an 8-2 edge in the series and, as of this weekend, now have seven straight wins. I'm just saying, it's getting a little sad. If you saw a beaver caught in a bear trap, wouldn't you set it free? You know, after you stopped laughing at all the "beaver" jokes you were going to tell your friends later? Of course you would. So please, David Stern, end the slaughter of our rookies. If LeBron's rookie team couldn't win and this year's exceptionally talented class couldn't break through, it's just an exercise in futility. Why not pit the rookies against the D-League All-Stars, as some people are suggesting?

All-Star HORSE, er, GEICO: Most of you already know how I detest the ridiculous renaming of this competition -- why not just call it something more appropriate, like TAMPAX or VAGISIL? -- but the contest failed in more than just its name. Look, I would have booed that game of HORSE/GEICO if I'd been forced to watch it at my weekly pickup league. The fact that NBA stars were bricking their way through that contest was enough to bring Pistol Pete back to life just so he could die again, only this time of shame and embarrassment. Kevin Durant eventually warmed up enough to make it mildly interesting in that "watching a spider slowly suck the blood out of a dead fly" kind of way. But that wasn't enough to save it.

I suppose the game was semi-doomed from the start, probably for a couple reasons. First off, when the NBA held HORSE games back in the 1970's, the winner got $15,000. I know it may not sound like a lot these days, but according to Basketball-Reference.com, Pete Maravich made $600,000 in 1978-79...so that $15K represented a pretty sizable bonus. I couldn't find out how much prize money Geico was putting up for this year's competition, but relative to Joe Johnson's $14,232,566 salary, the winnings would have had to be in the $350,000 range to equal the Pistol's prize for winning 30ish years ago. Since I seriously doubt Geico paid out that much, I'm guessing that the money wasn't exactly a motivator.

Secondly, today's players are all wacky about pride and respect. Don't get me wrong. So were Pistol Pete, Bob McAdoo and all those guys HORSEing around in the 70's. But go back and watch one of those old HORSE showdowns. You can tell they took it seriously. Durant, Johnson and O.J. Mayo played with a kind of mock casualness so that, if/when they lost, they could just shrug their shoulders and say it was no big deal. That way, they wouldn't lose face. But while I'm sure it helped Johnson and Mayo sleep a little better that night (and shrug off all the trash talk), it certainly robbed the game of anything remotely resembling intensity. And personally, I think some intensity would have made them shoot a little better. But what do I know?

Tony Parker's skillz: There's no shame in losing the Skills Challenge to a rookie, not when that rookie is Derrick Rose. There is, however, more than a little shame in getting bounced in the first round with a course time of 50.8 seconds...a full 17.5 ticks after Rose. But it gets better (or worse for Mr. Longoria): That finish made TP the proud owner of the two slowest times ever recorded in Skills Challenge history. (He slogged through the course in 45.5 seconds in 2003.) Duncan face!

The Slam Dunk Shamockery: Let's face some facts: Nate Robinson shouldn't have won it, okay? Yes, he's a freak of nature and it's amazing that a man who's only four feet tall can slam dunk a basketball with enough force to create tiny alternate realities full of four-foot men who can dunk. But his winning slam -- which will probably go down in NBA history as the "Kryptonite Dunk" -- was a shamockery. Watch:


Like Reggie Miller immediately pointed out, Nate didn't jump over Dwight Howard; he used his off arm to vault off of Howard's back. Why not just let Robinson use a trampoline? Or wires? Or let George Lucas CGI the dunk? Freaking Howard dunked on a 12-foot rim and then almost slammed it home from the free throw line. Dwight won this contest. It was the biggest rip-off since 2006 when -- surprise, surprise -- Robinson beat Andre Iguodala despite the fact that it TOOK HIM 14 TRIES to complete his final slamma-jamma (it took Iggy only two tries).

Look, I know the little guys are always the sentimental favorites, but come on. Oh, and by the way, Rudy Fernández got totally hosed by the judges. Bet if he were half a foot shorter he would have won it.

Craig Sager: At least Dwyane Wade was (I guess) trying to be funny. But Craig Sager -- who's long been known for his rather horrific sense of fashion -- hit a new, all-time low, even for him: Pink sports coat with a red hanky, pink and white striped shirt, blue tie with purple polka dots and red pants. So hideous that Kevin Garnett told him to burn it as soon as he got home. I can only hope for the sake of our children’s eyes that Sager took KG's advice.


Phil Jackson: I guess that P-Jax didn't get the memo that the All-Star game is intended to be a fun and entertaining exhibition of basketball for the fans. Dude single-handedly spoiled whatever fun might have been had by employing a friggin' ZONE DEFENSE for most of the game. Really, Phil? A zone?! It's the f'ing All-Star game! Who the frick wants to see a zone?! Seriously, that made me so angry I would like to spend the rest of my life punching Phil in the face and/or groin. Instead of nifty passes and impressive dunks, we got to watch the Eastern Conference All-Stars brick away from the outside (8-for-35 from downtown).

Said KG: "Well I felt like [the three-point shot] was the only option. It was the first All-Star game I've seen that you couldn't into the paint, and that was odd. I'm sure they had a strategy for winning. ... It's a weekend for entertaining and high-flying, I don't think people want to see zones and all that." No kidding. Added Dwight Howard: "I think on defense they played a zone, so we couldn't get to the rack. It was tough for us to get into the paint. It seemed like they had Shaq, Yao and Amare and Tim (Duncan) and everybody in the paint loaded up."

Look, I understand that the point of any game is, in most instances, to win. But that's not the goal of the All-Star Game. The point then is to wow a fanbase that is becoming increasingly angry and disconsolate every year. Instead of trying to make the people happy, Jackson put his own desire to win-win-win ahead of everything else. Congrats, Phil. I'm glad that operation to remove your shame gland was such a glorious success.

Dwight Howard: First he was the prop that propelled Nate Robinson to the 2009 Slam Dunk Championship. Then he was the prop that propelled Shaq to become co-MVP of the All-Star game. Way to stand in the right place at the right time, Dwight.


The MVP selection: Kobe got a co-nod for gunning (a game-high 23 shots). Shaq got a co-nod for dunking and that sweet give-and-go. But what about Chris Paul? He ran the show and amost finished with a triple-double (14 points, 7 rebounds, 14 assists) plus 3 steals. But All-Star MVP selection is almost always about scoring, so what did anybody expect? Still, the role that the point guards play in this game is always underrated.

Update! Chris's lacktion report: Joe Johnson had probably one of the worst ASG performances of all time, on the heels of being first eliminated in HOR...er...GEICO with a missed granny shot: In 21:38, he bricked four times (three pieces of masonry from downtown), took a rejection, and gave the ball away to the West on FIVE occasions. That's a suck differential of...+10. Wow.

And when the East lost by 27, being a -28 lacktator is absolutely bawful. Bawful enough that his local paper found his scorelessness worth writing about. Johnson's line was so sleep inducing that CP3 tried to use him as a pillow. But Paul was kind enough to play hot potato with Johnson. On the other hand, Chauncey Billups' new defensive appproach to another poor entry from the Atlanta all-star into the key has Shaq dumbfounded.

Labels: All-Star Game, Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Nate Robinson, Phil Jackson, Worst of the Weekend

For once, a man love submission has left me speechless. I hope you enjoy it as much as the Vanilla Godzilla clearly did. Seriously. Look at him. He couldn't look any happier if he woke up as LeBron James. (And you know, that would make for a great movie idea. I bet it would work right in with LeBron's "global icon" marketing strategy...)


Thanks to everybody who sent this in. It was the first time the same picture was sent in by 20+ people. And it might well be the best man love ever.

Labels: fan submissions, Joel Przybilla, man love

Four hours of beer was not enough for this man.
Note: The first version of this post was listed as being published in 2003. How does that happen, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you: Sleep deprivation. Thank Odin (and George Washington) I have a three-day weekend...

Last night after work, I met up with Graydon Gordian of 48 Minutes of Hell (pictured above) at a little Chicago Loop dive called Stocks & Blondes. We shared three buckets of beer, a couple plates of random chicken parts, and several hours worth of intense basketball conversation, debate and gossip on a pretty wide range of topics. It was kind of like being on a roller coaster, where you know you’re not going to fall out but it kind of feels like you are.

The meetup did make me feel my age a bit: After nearly four hours of nonstop beerage, Graydon left...to go out drinking with his buddies. Ah, to be in my early 20s again. But there was, at least, a good reason for the extended celebration: Graydon was just accepted to grad school at Northwestern. Congrats, Graydon. It was good times. The only downside, really, was that we had to watch...

The Chicago Bulls: The Bullies fell way behind against the Pistons earlier this week but managed to win after finishing the game on a 17-2 run. Apparently, the box office returns were high enough to warrant a sequel. But here's the things: Sequels are almost never as good as the original...with The Empire Strikes Back, Superman II, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, and The Dark Knight being notable exceptions. This was no Empire, though. It was more like Caddyshack II.

Chicago struggled their way back from a 14-point third quarter deficit to take a 86-85 with just over three minutes to go. Then they let Miami go on an 8-0 run. Then the Bulls went on a 7-0 run to tie the game at 93-all. Miami had possession of the ball with less than 10 seconds left, but Kirk Hinrich stole Shawn Marion's inbound pass and quickly called timeout. Chicago had 6.5 ticks on the clock and a chance to make magic happen. But...

Vinny Del Negro: The man Tom Ziller nicknamed "The Notorious V.D.N." became even more notorious in the Windy City last night. Like I said, the score was tied and the Bulls had the ball and enough time to get off some kind of shot or, at worst, go into overtime at home. But Vinny inexplicably LEFT DERRICK ROSE ON THE BENCH AND PUT IN THABO SEFOLOSHA. What in the Nine Rings of Hell was he thinking? I hadn't seen a worse coaching move all season (although I would shortly).

So Thabo, who played all of six minutes and 15 seconds last night, ended up inbounding the ball to the best player on the court. Unfortunately, that was Dwyane Wade. Pookie called timeout with 3.5 seconds left.

Now, it's important to point out that the Bulls still had a foul to give. So Vinny should have instructed his players to foul almost immediately after the Heat inbounded the ball, just to burn a second or so off the clock. And even if they hadn't had that foul to give (or if Vinny for some reason chose not to use it), he should have instructed them to stay in front of whoever catches the ball (in this case Wade) and also guard the guy inbounding the ball (in this case Marion), because -- as Hubie Brown likes to say -- that's the most dangerous player in end-of-game situations.

So what did the Bulls do? They didn't commit the foul, they didn't say in front of Wade, and they didn't guard Marion. Wade penetrated, the Bulls collapsed, and he dished to a cutting Marion for the game-winning dunk.

Terrible coaching. Terrible.

Luol Deng: I really thought Luol was "back" a few weeks ago. He's been slumping ever since. Whoops. Last night he finished with 6 points (2-for-6), 3 rebounds and 2 fouls in 28 minutes. It's like the aliens I keep telling everybody about stole him, he escaped briefly, and then they stole him back.

Shawn Marion: I know he was happy about the game-winning flush. But did he really have to grab his genitals in celebration? I guess it's better than doing the Big Balls Dance, but still. (Thanks to Sky Flakes for the picture assist.)

The NBA: Where testicle-clutching happens.
The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavericks were playing at home. They went up by as many as 15 points in the third quarter. Kevin Garnett's PT was limited due to foul trouble. Doc Rivers got ejected. The Celtics committed 19 turnovers (to only 8 for the Mavs). In other words, Dallas had every reason to win this game. But they did not. They shot like crap (39 percent), got pounded on the boards (50-31) and couldn't figure out what to do with Paul Pierce, who scored 18 of his 31 points in the fourth quarter to help the Celtics rally for a 99-92 win.

When are the Mavericks going to figure out that Jason Kidd isn't a defensive stopper anymore? They use him on Kobe to no effect, and last night they let him man up on Pierce, and Pierce repeatedly destroyed him. There's probably an image of Paul burned into Jason's retinas today. Memo to Rick Carlisle: Send help! Make Rondo shoot a jump shot or something. I don't care if he had a triple-double (19 points, 15 rebounds, 14 assists). I would rather give Rondo the green light than let Paul Pierce find his rhythm. There had to be a better defensive strategy than that.

(P.S. Remember what I said about J-Kidd's defense? Refer to Rondo's triple-double. That is all.)

The Portland Trail Blazers: The Blazers were beaten by Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette (24 points, 9-for-16) and Ronny Turiaf (14 points, 11 rebounds). And for the record, that was Turiaf's first double-double in nearly two years. Way to play defense, guys. (Although, in all fairness, Portland did hold the rest of the Warriors down a bit; Golden State shot only 40 percent from the field.) The Blazers didn't help their cause by committing 23 turnovers, either.

Chris's Lacktion report: Today is of course the last day before the All-Star Weekend, but not a night that lacktators could lose the limelight!

Heat-Bulls: Thabo Sefolosha beefed up his clumsiness to put down +3 in 6:15 of hardwood grazing for Chicago, in getting grilled for a brick, giveaway, and rejection! And 9:57 of court time for Miami's Joel Anthony allowed him to earn a bit of a Voskuhl with three fouls and one giveaway versus one field goal and rebound each for a ratio of 4:3.

Blazers-Warriors: CJ Watson wanted to make the most of life as a lacktator, and thus spent 11:44 savoring a solid suck differential: one foul and turnover each and two bricks for +4!

Marketing madness: The NBA All-Star H-O-R-S-E competition was sold away and is now the G-E-I-C-O competition. And it will take place during a special two-hour Inside the NBA presented by Hyundai! In honor of this, Evil Ted and I prepared an even specialer video parody of Hyundai's current marketing campaign. Enjoy.

Update:
Apparently the funnyordie.com "embed video" function sucks, so:
CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS SPOOF. And if you likey, vote "Funny."

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, NBA marketing, Portland Trail Blazers, Vinny Del Negro, Worst of the Night

With Sam Cassell's musty corpse decomposing at the end of the Boston Celtics' bench, other NBA players have tried -- and failed, pretty miserably -- to carry on Sam-I-Am's tradition of performing The Big Balls Dance after hitting a clutch shot. Most notably, Kobe Bryant and Andre Iguodala (and Mamba did it twice). In all three cases, the opposing team came back and hit a clutchier shot to win the game. Busted.

Discussion of these hilarious failures uncovered what was, to me, a rather startling fact: Cassell may have pioneered use of The Big Balls Dance in the NBA, but he didn't invent it. No, indeed, the inventor of the BBD was first performed in 1994 by fictional baseball player Pedro Cerrano in Major League II. Many thanks to Wild Yams for discovering this and providing the following video. Also thanks to Bateman's Legal Counsel for pointing out that Pedro didn't actually invent the dance. Said BLC: "I think it was a signature move of a teammate who used it to motivate Pedro when he was slumping. I think he was...Asian. I mean, he was talking in some weird language; I think it was...Asian." The teammates name was Tanaka. Watch it:

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Big Balls Dance, Kobe Bryant, Major League II, Sam Cassell

Remember when Basketbawful reader Ryan M. sent in the picture of Wally Szczerbiak rockin' that fabulous eskimo outfit in a postgame interview? Well, Ryan caught Wally World in the act again. Only this time, well, yeah. Said Ryan: "I really hope Zerbs can get it together soon so I can stop sending you emails. But I thought you might enjoy Wally's fierce staredown of all the robot penises in his face. If only he could do that to all the robot penises on the court! And who else can transition so seamlessly from a Playa Pimp press conference to a Gay Porn press conference." Well, better robot penises than tentacles, I guess...

Labels: fan submissions, straight pimpin', Wally Szczerbiak

Basketbawful reader DeWoof01, who sent in the picture of the unhappy younster shown below, wrote in to say: "I was at the Blazers game last night, and as most of you know this was the first game in Portland for the Oklahoma City Thunder. So there were about 15 people in our section as well as hundreds of others around the stadium who were wearing Sonics jerseys. The best thing was they weren't there to cheer on Portland, but rather just to boo the Thunder. I never saw a single one of them react when Portland made a good play...only when the Thunder committed a turnover or made a dumb play."

Thanks again, Clay Bennett! You are the Wicked Destroyer of Dreams and the Icky Bane of Children. I'm very seriously considering adding you to the Mount Rushmore of Basketbawful. I'm thinking four faces, all you...

Labels: bitterness, Clay Bennett, fan submissions, Oklahoma City Thunder, Seattle Supersonics

Kobe overacting?! I can't believe it!
The Washington Wizards Generals: Here's the title of the AP recap: "Bobcats starters pound undermanned Wizards." That probably tells you all you need to know, but I'll expound anyway. Charlotte's starting five toyed with the Wizards Generals the way the Roadrunner used to toy with Wile E. Coytoe: Rookie D.J. Augustin scored 24 points on 7-for-12 shooting. Vladimir Radmanovic dropped 21 points on 8-for-14. (Those two guys also combined to shoot 9-for-17 from downtown). Emeka Okafor pwned the pain (16 points, 13 rebounds, 2 blocks) and even had 2 assists! Raymond Felton almost had his first career triple-double (15 points, 8 boards, 9 dimes) and pilfered the ball 5 times. Boris Diaw added 14 points, 5 rebounds, 7 assists, 2 steals and 7 blocked shots (plus 7 turnovers). It was a familiar theme for the Wiz Generals, who have now lost 10 of their last 12 games.

Said Antawn Jamison: "Groundhog Day. Defensively we're not getting stops and there were a couple of times we didn't even get a chance to shoot the ball." Not that it really mattered; Washington hit only 41 percent of the shots they did take. Random fact: The Wizards Generals are now 0-12 against the Southeast Division

Caron Butler, delusions of grandeur machine: With the league's second-worst record (11-42), pretty much all that's left for the Wizards Generals to do is look forward to next season. Which is exactly what Tough Juice is doing. "You get us all healthy, we can beat anybody, hands down. You get our core together, get a couple guys. Obviously it's trade time, lottery picks. We'll see what happens. We can be great next year." Whatever helps you sleep at night, Caron.

Mike James: The Amityville Scorer finished with 6 points (2-for-5), 5 assists and 4 turnovers. Best trade ever.

Elton Brand: The Sixers are on another winning streak without him. Just sayin'.

San Antonio Spurs: I've called it The Wounded Tiger Theory (as coined by Dick Motta). Bill Simmons stole that concept and renamed it The Ewing Theory. Whichever term you want to use, it applies to last night's Spurs-Craptors game, which Toronto won without Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon. In fact, the Craptors were reduced to nine available players when forward Joey Graham -- who had a career-high-tying 24 points in Tuesday's win over Minnesota -- left with 2:56 remaining in the first quarter because of a bruised right shin.

The loss was in part due to rookie Roko Ukic's career-high 22 points (on 9-for-13 shooting). It was also partly due to the fact that Matt Bonner -- who scored a combined 45 points (on 18-for-27 shooting) against the Celtics and Nets -- had zero points on 0-for-4 shooting. Look, Bonner was the X-Factor in those two wins, especially against the Celtics (who basically dared Bonner to beat them). So the people getting excited about San Antonio's resurgence should be reminded that much of their hope rests on the Red Rocket. Think about that.

Manu Ginobili, sore loser machine: "We shouldn't have lost this one. It's important to go into the break feeling good about yourself and on a good stretch. We were playing a team that isn't doing so well and has two injured players, so we should have done much better."

Matt Bonner, Canadian machine: From the game notes: "San Antonio's Matt Bonner, who spent the first two years of his career with the Raptors, is in the process of becoming a Canadian citizen and hopes to play for Canada's national team. Born in New Hampshire, Bonner has a grandfather from Newfoundland and his wife is from Toronto. 'I feel very strongly about representing Canada,' Bonner said. 'I feel like I'm part Canadian. It just feels right.'" Insert your own joke here.

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns were forced to face the Craboliers without Steve Nash, who "didn't dress to get extra rest for numerous sore spots." And it showed. Phoenix committed 26 turnovers which were converted into 34 points by the Crabs. They also let Mo Williams erupt for a career-high 44 on 18-for-26 from the field and 7-for-9 from beyond the arc. (Huh. I thought Nash was the reason the Suns can't guard opposing PGs....)

Anybody notice how Shaq has quieted down lately. He attempted only seven shots last night (of which he hit five) compared to 21 for Amare Stoudemire (of which he hit 9). Hm. I wonder if they're trying to show STAT off to increase his trade value. Note that, minus Nash, Amare had zero dunks and zero layups. He also missed two shots from one foot away, another two from only three feet and one from four feet. I'm just sayin'.

Amare Stoudemire, short-term memory loss machine: Regarding the trade rumors that have been dogging him, STAT said: "The rumors I can deal with. That's part of the game. Losing is not. I'm definitely not used to it. This is something new to me." You don't remember being part of that pre-Nash Suns team that went 29-53?

The Orlando Magic: Not only did the Nuggets end a 15-game losing streak in Orlando, they held the Magic to a season-low in points (73) and field goal percentage (30.4) while forcing them into a season-high in turnovers (24). Orlando's previous high in turnovers this season was 19 (against Minnesota on December 3), and their previous low shooting percentage was 36.8 percent (versus Atlanta on October 29). Said Magic coach Stan Van Gundy: "We got absolutely dominated. Not one guy had a decent night offensively. Our starters, every single guy had three turnovers. We couldn't even keep from getting the ball taken out of our hands. It was an embarrassing night for our players, for me, for everybody." Agreed. Even I'm embarrassed. So's my purple unicorn sidekick, Sabra. Her whinny has been off all day.

J.J. Redick's D: Way to use the old 7-11 defense there, J.J.


The Detroit Pistons/Joe Dumars/Allen Iverson: With last night's 99-95 home loss to the Hawks, Detroit has lost three straight, 12 of 17 and fell to 23-24 since Iverson joined the team in what will go down in Pistons history as "The Infamous Chauncey Billups Trade." If the playoffs started today, they'd face Atlanta in the first round. and lose. Said The Not-Answer: "It's not a good feeling. The whole thing is to stay positive, stay together, not to point fingers and play the blame game. You don't win a championship at the All-Star break." Don't you just love rationalizations?

Mike Bibby: Shayan of Mediocre Forever sent in this picture of Bibby kung fu fighting. He must be jealous of Kobe. (Let the Street Fighter conversation recommence!)


The Indiana Pacers: Well, this just epitomizes Indy's season-to-date. They had already beaten the Celtics and Lakers, and the previous night they beat the Crabs in what will probably become known as Makeup-Callgate. Then the Pacers followed up that inspiring win by getting blown out by the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit. The Bucks scored 122 points and shot nearly 54 percent from the field. Ramon Sessions scored 15 points and added a season-high 17 assists. The Pacers have now lost nine straight on the road are 6-22 outside of the Hoosier State.

But how 'bout those Bucks? Milwaukee reached 26-29, tying its win total from last season. They also improved to 2-1 without Michael Redd (knee), Andrew Bogut (back) and Luke Ridnour (thumb). And they're averaging 124 PPG in those three games, and freaking Sessions is averaging 28.3 points per game and 12 assists since being inserted into the starting lineup. Who knew?

The plus-minus score: I received this email from Basketbawful reader Matthew G.: "Proof that adjusted +/- is a total joke! Ramon Sessions was given a +/- of 0 when he had 15 points on 6 shots, 17 assists, and 7 boards in 33 minutes. The only real blemish was the five personal fouls." Yet another reason why I hate the so-called "advanced stats."

The New Orleans Hornets: The Celtics, probably steaming over back-to-back home losses to the Lakers and Spurs, traveled to 'Nawlins and put the Hornets in a vice...then started squeezing. Despite the return of Chris Paul (13 points, 6-for-15, 5 assists, 3 turnovers) and David West (15 points, 3-for-13, 8 boards), the Hornets were held to 77 points on 40 percent shooting and committed 18 TOs. And the C's did that without Ray Allen, who left the game after hyperextending his right thumb in the first half.

Dave Matthews: Saw this in the Celtics-Hornets game notes: "Recording artist Dave Matthews sat in the front row at midcourt, next to Hornets owner George Shinn." So I have to tell this story about a college buddy who moved to Seattle a few years back. He just drove out there with almost everything he owned in his car. (Remember when you could fit all your worldly possessions in a car?) After he got to the place he was staying temporarily, he moved a few things out of his car but left it pretty much full. The next day he came out and the car had been robbed. The thieves took everything, including a box of pens and pencils and a sandwich bag filled with condiments. The only thing left in the entire car was a Dave Matthews CD, which had been removed from the CD player after the thieves ripped it from the dash and left on the driver's seat. I kid you not. The robbers took a baggie filled with old ketchup and salt packets but left the Matthews CD. The best part is after my buddy called me from Seattle to tell me this, I said: "Dude. You listen to Dave Matthews?!"

The Sacramento Kings: Not much to say here except that, by losing to the Rockets, the Kings took sole possession of the worst record in basketball: 11-43.

Kobe Bryant: From Wild Yams: "Mr. Bawful, you'll definitely want to include this in tomorrow's WOTN: once again Kobe cursed the Lakers by doing the big balls dance too early, this time after nailing a three-point shot to give L.A. its first lead in 18 minutes with 90 seconds left in the game. So what happened? The Jazz went on to win by four. It's certainly becoming a big no-no to do the big balls dance, as that's now three times in a row that a player has done it and wound up losing. Also, not to take anything away from Utah, but I can't help but wonder if the Lakers might have won this game if they'd been able to rest their starters a bit yesterday by taking care of the Thunder early...I'm just sayin'." Here's the clip:


Oh, and of those three times the big balls dance has backfirerd this season, Kobe was responsible for two of 'em. Heed my warning, NBA players: Do the big balls dance at your own peril. (Unless you're Sam Cassell.) And Yams might have a point about that "lack of rest for the Lakers starters" thing. The Jazz shot almost 60 percent from the field. Seemed like L.A. didn't have a lot of energy on the defensive end (Utah hit 15 layups and got 5 dunks.)

More Lakers: I got this email from Basketbawful reader Hellshocked: "I don't know if you watched this game, but after Paul Milsap flew through the lane for a dunk and got touch fouled by Pau Gasol in the process the normally stoic Phil Jackson (who judging from his expression throughout the game had been battling a severe case of constipation) looked like he was positively about to cry. It may have been just me, but I could swear I saw his eyes moisten and his lip quiver ever so slightly. The game also presented us with yet another example of Kobe's poor sense of timing. After hitting a bit three to tie the game, he again chose to express his manly masculine manhood manosity basketball manness via the big balls dance. Needless to say, the Lakers wound up losing the game a few minutes later. It is made all the more hilarious by the fact that Mehmet Okur, after hitting a bit three of his own not long after, performed what could, politely, be referred to as an impersonation of Richard Simmons doing the big balls dance. Now this could very well just be how Okur gets his rocks off, but I prefer to think of it as making fun of purple and god's #24. All in all, I think the Lakers deserve a worst of the night for not playing a lick of defense and losing to a team that has 2 of its major contributors out and the rest are battling injuries, and Kobe for his antics." Done.

The people who dropped Greg Oden in their fantasy league: Greg's hot streak continued last night: 16 points (8-for-10), 10 rebounds, 3 blocked shots.

The New York Knicks: They lost to the Clippers in overtime, 128-124. Can you say: "Defense optional." Hell, I'm not even sure it WAS optional. The teams combined for 207 shots, including 70 three-point attempts. Clippers rookie Erik Gordon scored 30 points (10-for-16). Steve Novak added a career-high 23 points (8-for-10). Zach Randolph had a double-double (22 points and 15 rebounds). Baron Davis 13 points and a career-high 20 assists. I think I'm in the box score for 10 or 12 points, I can't be sure. Crazy. Fun to watch, I guess. But crazy. It was enough to make Novak give Gordan a little man lovin' from behind. And yes, the look on Gordon's face is priceless.


Lacktion report: Chris once again proves that lacktion stops for no man.

Spurs-Raptors: As San Antonio played down to the level of the diminished dinos - resulting in a surprising loss for the Spurs -- two very familiar lacktators successfully integrated themselves into the broadcast background without being useful. Jake Voskuhl makes it two nights of lackvity in a row with two missed shots in 6:52 for a suck differential of +2, while Fabricio Oberto seems to love collecting gold coins, in this instance giving Greg Popovich's team a 38-second Mario.

Suns-Cavs: Zydrunas Ilgauskas earned himself a Voskuhl of 6:3 by fouling four times in his 26 or so minutes and handing the rock over to a Phoenix player twice, against five bricks and a mere three rebounds. In other crustacean-related lacktivity news, All-Lacktion star Tarence Kinsey will be returning to the hardwood after the all-star break!

Bobcats-Wizards: Roto-Rooter should've gone to downtown Charlotte to look for new recruits, as two men answered the call to become overalled plumbers for the night: Juan Dixon with a 13 second Mario (that somehow garnered him an assist) for the Generals, and the Bobcats' Alexis Ajinca, who racked up a board in a mere 54 second Mario of his own.

Lakers-Jazz: Kosta Koufos bricked once in 2:47 to give Utah a +1.

Clippers-Knicks: One night after the 271-point affront to defensive fundamentals at the Garden, the Knicks took Mike 'antoni's shoot-and-pray approach on the road to Staples Center, where they got beat at their own game by the Clippers in overtime. Ouch. Yet somehow, in the midst of a busy night for the scorekeepers, one standout lacktator abstained from the free-for-all to get onto this ledger. DeAndre Jordan was the only player on both squads to not factor into the 262-point explosion, tossing a brick for +1 in 1:21. (He also managed to be the only Clipper with a negative +/- with -4!)

In prophetic fashion, the only Yahoo wire photo of DeAndre for the game had him in appropriate lacktator attire -- his warmups.

Corey Maggette: Wild Yams (via TrueHoop) left a link to this awesome video in yesterday's comments. Watch as Bad Porn manages to travel six times on a single possession.


John Hollinger: Via Wild Yams from ESPN's Daily Dime: "'Loss due to attrition in scheduling' is the term Phil Jackson likes to use for games like this, but he wouldn't go there Wednesday. I will. Playing their eighth game in eight cities in 14 days, Jackson tried every trick in the book to get one last gasp from his troops heading into the All-Star break. Ultimately L.A. couldn't cash in, missing three potential game-tying 3-pointers in the final 29 seconds. And the fact it came down to those shots was a result of their lethargy at the other end. The fatigue showed in other ways too. When some calls didn't go their way and the typical Things That Happen in Utah started happening -- shoving off the ball, contact around the rim and the like -- L.A. uncharacteristically got too focused on the refs and not enough on the game. Meanwhile, Gasol picked up some of that flu Kobe had in Cleveland. He had just three defensive boards to go with his 16 points and lost Okur on a 3-pointer with 42 seconds left that put the Jazz ahead for good. Gasol has also played far too many minutes since Andrew Bynum went out -- he's played at least 41 in all six contests, averaging 43.3."

As Yams said: "It goes on and on. Man, I guess Utah doesn't get any credit for beating the Lakers despite missing AK-47 and Boozer? When did the Lakers put Hollinger on their payroll?" Oh, and as Yams also said, you should scroll down to the bottom of today's Dime. You'll see some quotage from a blogger of some renown...

Labels: Worst of the Night

The Cleveland Craboilers: The good news is the Crabs kept pace with the Celtics, Magic and Lakers last night. The bad news is they did so by losing to the Pacers in Indiana, just as Boston, Orlando and LA have earlier this year. King Crab LeBron turned in the kind of performance that normally raises the ire of journalists and fans alike when Kobe has them: lots of points for himself, few for his teammates, few assists, and a loss to boot. Tough to chide LeBron for this one though: 47 points on only 21 shots and 13-14 from the line; but the rest of his team was downright putrid, and when you've got a reputation for being one of the best in the business at making your teammates better... well, scoring half your team's points in a loss doesn't speak too well on that front. Speaking of LeBron's fellow Crabs...

Cavs-Pacers: Darnell Jackson has proven an effective replacement lacktator in Tarence Kinsey's absence, crawling his way to a 58 second Mario (with one brick) for the Crabs!

Spurs-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts' push to be an All-Lacktion starter continues, after he passively procured a 1.45 trillion for New Jersey. Maurice Ager has been learning well from Chris's example, using the same 1:27 of floor time to take a foul and miss a shot for a suck differential of +2.

Nuggets-Heat: Yakhouba Diawara flamed out with a rebound that ruined a potential two trillion, but lucky for him, fellow lacktator James Jones got warm and baked some masonry for +1 in 7:13. That wasn't Miami's only milestone of mediocrity, as Joel Anthony earned a slight Voskuhl of 6:5 (fouling and giving the ball away three times each, against five rebounds and a brick) in a full 35:39 of action!

Raptors-Wolves: Jake Voskuhl was pegged as a likely non-factor in the Battle of 34-Loss Teams, and he delivered on that meager promise for the Craptors, giving Minnesota the ball once and fouling once as well for a +2 in a forgettable 4:21. Not to mention that a lack of shot attempts earned him his namesake stat -- a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:0.

Pistons-Bulls: Walter Herrmann barely got time to press the "Start" button on his night before sitting back down, generating a 15 second Mario for the Pistons.

Kings-Mavs: At halftime, this one looked competitive -- but Suckramento's snoozers never woke up for the 3rd quarter, leading to an all-too-common blowout loss at Dallas. Devean George got to play the part of human victory cigar with a +3 in 3:50 that he secured with a miss from downtown and two fouls.

Knicks-Warriors: When Nellieball collides with Mike 'antoni's coaching, hand-in-the-face work to protect one's own halfcourt gets supplanted with the inevitable fan facepalms, after nary an attempt to make a defensive stop. Yet in this extreme display of offense -- 271 points scored in only four quarters! -- Golden State pulled ahead enough to bring in their human victory cigar, Anthony Morrow. Morrow dropped a 51 second Mario on the floor, the only player who did not contribute at all to those 271 points!

Thunder-Lakers: 6:06 of playing time helped Chris Mihm earned a bit of a Voskuhl of 3:2, with three fouls against two rebounds and two missed shots.

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Derrick Rose, Jake Voskuhl, Lakers, Lebron James, Mike D'Antoni, Rashad McCants, Rasheed Wallace, Worst of the Night

I know we've been facetiously referring to Tracy McGrady as "Knee-Mac" on this site for the last few months, but this play convinced me that it was less an expression of gentle mockery than the unconscious recognition that Tracy has undergone a full-scale transformation. Similar, in many ways, to how Stifler's mom went from a reasonably hot MILF in American Pie to a pasty, bloated ham creature (who apparently ATE the real Stifler's mom) in American Pie II.


Could this be yet another sign of the alien invasion I've been warning people about? I think we need to travel as a group to Texas and check Tracy's basement for body-snatcher pods. I'll bring the flamethrower if somebody else brings the marshmallows!

Update! Okay, this is weird. After publishing this post, I had an odd feeling that I'd seen the same title somewhere before. Sure enough, it had been used once...by me, last year, in an NBA Closer column. There's nothing like plagiarizing yourself.

[Thanks to Ace and Stott's Era for sending the video link.]

Labels: fan submissions, Tracy McGrady

The Phoenix Suns: If there was a real-life roller coaster -- let's call it the Sarver Dream Killer -- that was as up-and-down as this Phoenix team, it would boast a 100 percent vomit-inducement rate. Which, somewhat ironically, is the same vomit-inducement rate the Suns currently have among their fans. To wit: Sunday's hope-lifting win in Detroit was followed up by one of their signature (these days) embarrassing defeats in Philadelphia. The Suns hit only 42 percent of their field goals as Steve Nash (2 points on 1-for-8) and Shaq (7 points on 3-for-7) showed why it's risky to use them in back-to-back games. They also committed 18 turnovers -- Philly's defensive bread and butter -- which allowed the Sixers to get out in transition (19 fast break points) and outscore the Suns 25-13 in points off of TOs. Phoenix was also mandangled on the boards: The Sixers outrebounded them 54-41 and pulled 22 ricochets on the offensive end. So basically...they were outplayed in every phase of the game. Unless "Most Failed Expectations" counts as a phase.

Amare Stoudemire: One of the storylines of this game was how STAT bravely shrugged off those pesky trade rumors to lead the Suns in scoring (19 points on 7-for-13 shooting plus 6 boards). He also added a game-high 3 blocked shots. Not bad. But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming, right? -- he was pretty thoroughly outplayed by Marreese Speights, who had a career-high 24 points (11-for-14) in only 24 minutes of action. Amare, meanwhile, was outrebounded by both Speights (7) and Andre Miller (9 in 27 minutes) despite the fact that he played a game-high 39 minutes. And for those of you who might be blaming Stoudemire's lack of board work on Shaq, The Big Creaky logged only 21 minutes of PT. Who was stealing Amare's boards while Shaq was decomposing on the bench?

The Los Angeles Clippers: In other "They Are Who We Thought They Were" news, the Clippers were beaten by 21 in Charlotte. But that's to be expected, what with all the inju...wait, what? Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and Zach Randolph are all back? And Z-Bo went for 20 points, 10 boards, 4 assists and 2 steals? Okay then, I guess Mike Dunleavy Sr. needs some new excuses. Maybe the team's circadian rhythms were off? That used to be a favorite of Phil Jackson. But here was Camby's spin: "The last game of a trip, I've been around a long time, I know how these games can be tough. Especially right before the All-Star break, you tend to lose a little focus. Your mind is elsewhere." Oh, gee, Marcus, I sure hope that stupid basketball game didn't get in the way of your daydreaming. (FWIW: Camby is on the payroll for $8 million this season. That's not an attention-grabber? I sure bet he'd notice if his paycheck was direct-deposited.)

The fourth quarter was an epic example of Clipper futility, as The Other L.A. Team got gunned down by Vladimir Radmanovic's trio of triples en route to getting outscored 29-12 over those final 12 minutes. The rest of the stats were classic Clippers as well: 39 percent shooting, 13 missed three-pointers, 7 bonked free throws, 18 turnovers and a measely 73 points scored. Oh, and did I mention that the Bobcats laid this smack down without Gerald Wallace (rib, lung) and Raja Bell (groin)? Well, they did.

Juwan Howard: Huh? The 'Cats were missing Nook, too? Why was he...a "sore toe" flared up after Sunday's loss to Miami?! Reminds me of a word that rhymes with "mangina." I think it's...mangina.

The Houston Rockets: They were facing the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit, a team that was missing Michael Redd (knee), Andrew Bogut (back) and Luke Ridnour (thumb). Didn't matter. They got burned by Ramon Sessions (26 points, 8-for-12, 7 assists) and Charlie Villanueva (25 points, 9-for-18, 8 rebounds). The Rockets, supposedly a top-notch defensive team, let the M.A.S.H. unit hit rack up 31 assists on 47 field goals. Speaking of field goals, Milwaukee hit 53 percent of theirs, and 50 percent of their threes. And Houston forced only 7 turnovers. Said Knee-Mac: "Right now, we're just a team that doesn't know how to play defense." Well said! Speaking of McGrady...

Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming: Knee-Mac shot 1-for-9 and had just as many fouls as points (3). McGrady is 4-of-19 for 10 points in two games against the Bucks this season. Meanwhile, Shaquie Chan was limited to only 18 minutes of daylight due to foul trouble and finished with 7 points on 2-for-8 shooting.

The New Orleans Hornets: No Chris Paul. No David West. No Tyson Chandler. And, dear merciful Odin, no hope. The key stat here is this: 29 percent shooting (26-for-88). But here's what's even crazier -- like "bag of snapping monkey heads" crazy -- the Grizzlies also held the Craptors to 29 percent shooting last Saturday. [Gratuitous Stat Alert!!] That was the first two-game stretch of holding opponents under 30 percent shooting since 1959. By the Grizzlies! Here's the scoop: "According to the Elias Sports Bureau, it marked the first time in more than 49 years that a team has held consecutive opponents under 30 percent shooting from the field. The last time was December 19-20, 1959, when the then-St. Louis Hawks held Philadelphia to 26.9 percent and Detroit to 29.9 the next night." So, congrats, Hornets. That's some pretty historic fail, right there.

I should also mention the Grizzlies' utter domination of the boards: 64-38. That included 20 offensive rebounds for Memphis, which led to a 23-8 edge in second-chance points. I'll have to check with a stats guru like John Hollinger to be sure, but I would think that was a pretty big factor in a 5-point loss.

David West: Here's a belated WotN for the missing David West, who got suspended for this:


I might be more forgiving if West didn't have a history of superdickery...

The Memphis Grizzlies: Better file this under "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others." They were playing at home against a team that was missing its top three players and apparently forgot what a basket looks like...and they barely won! Plus, check out the stats: 36 percent shooting, 3-for-15 from beyond the arc, 9 missed free throws, 18 turnovers, 85 points scored. I'm not going to label them the worst winning team of all time. Not after reading about how crappy teams were in the 50s, anyway. Update! An anonymous commenter reminded me of something I should have noted: "To be fair, the Grizzlies were without two starters in that game as well, with Rudy Gay out injured and Darrell Arthur on a leave of absence due to the passing of his grandmother." Fair enough. Sucking excused.

Lacktion report: There's no rest for the wicked around here, nor is there any respite for Chris from another night of intense lactivity.

Bobcats-Clippers: The Donald Sterling "Basketball" Playset is only equipped to resemble a sports team, not actually play the role of one. This unavoidable fact once again made itself clear with a blowout loss in Charlotte, where Chiekh Samb silently secured a 1.2 trillion fortune, a take large enough that he probably could buy his very own collection of basketball action figures to mismanage and neglect.

The home team didn't disappoint either in giving its lacktators enough garbage time to avoid positive additions to their stat lines, as Bobcats "power" forward Sean May kept the lights off with a suck differential of +2 in 6:21 via foul and brick, while Sean Singletary fouled once for +1 in 1:59.

Sixers-Suns: Robin Lopez makes an appearance in the ledger with one foul for +1 in a snooze-inducing 6:23 for the Suns; Philly's Kareem Rush bricked twice (once from downtown) for +2 in 3:37. Lopez's singular foul was enough to grant him a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl! Memo to Mareese Speights: Dunking over Mr. Lopez doesn't change your "underated" status one bit.

Rockets-Bucks: When the Rockets called Dikembe Mutombo to rejoin them after his early-season hibernation/mummification, I suspect he wasn't signed to help Clutch the Bear install a new Wii in the Toyota Center locker room -- but a 36-second Mario suggests otherwise! That is, a Mario according to Yahoo's box score at least -- as no other source is entirely sure of the magnitude of Mutombo's non-contribution this evening. As of 9:45 PM PST, CBS Sportsline's box score claims he didn't even show up on the court, while ESPN credits him with a 5 trillion.

The NBA and Geico: I know this is a few days late, but...it was so cool when the NBA announced a H-O-R-S-E competition for All-Star weekend. But all that coolness, and then some, got flushed down David Stern's crapper upon the following announcement: The contestants will be playing G-E-I-C-O instead. Wow. That's so stupid that, well, even a caveman wouldn't do it. Look, I understand the whole corporate sponsorship thing, so I would have expected it to be named "The Geico H-O-R-S-E Shootout" or whatever. But come on, NBA and Geico. What's next? Changing the name of the All-Star Game to the AutoTrader.com Game? Yeesh. I wish that a feminine hygiene product company had bought the rights and the ballers were forced to play T-A-M-P-A-X. Maybe that would have gotten the point across.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba used a black Sharpie to write "anime porn collection -- schoolgirl Yumi and little baby Kiki's adventure" on a blank CD. The next time Kobe passed Luke Walton in the crowded Lakers locker room, he bumped into Luke and dropped the CD. He quickly picked it up and said, "Luke, you dropped your...WHAT IS THIS STUFF? OH MY GOD?!" Derek Fisher hasn't talked to Luke since.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Houston Rockets, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, Phoenix Suns, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night, Yao Ming

This pic was sent in by Basketbawful reader Dan B., who said: "Apparently Kobe has learned to do that flying kick move Liu Kang did in Mortal Kombat." Indeed he did. And he learned it by practicing on Luke Walton.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Kobe Bryant, kung fu, Los Angeles Lakers

An inescapable (but intensely annoying) part of NBA coverage is the burning need many media outlets have to foretell...THE FUTURE. Every season, the world's leading guess-ologists fearlessly tell us who's going to be named MVP, which team is going to win the most games, who's going to the NBA Finals, etc. And these amazing hypotheses usually end up being only slightly less accurate than your average weather forecast. Where's Miss Cleo when you need her?

In that vein, Basketbawful reader Spencer nominated this 1999 article -- Phil Taylor's The Starting Over 5 -- for, in retrospect, making the worst prediction ever. In this stirring tribute to getting it wrong, Taylor named the five-man unit that was going to win back fans during the brutal post-Jordan/post-lockout era: Jayson Williams, Stephon Marbury, Keith Van Horn, Bo Outlaw and Ray Allen.

Of this Fab Five, Taylor said: "Together they embody all the qualities that can make the NBA likable again: charisma, passion, lightheartedness, humility, attitude, athleticism and, yes, an appeal to desirable demographic groups. If you were choosing an All-Star team, this would not be the starting five, but for a league looking for a new beginning, these players are perfect."

So, uh, how'd that turn out? Williams killed his limo driver and tried to cover it up. Marbury eschewed the "humility" Taylor spoke of to become the biggest locker room cancer in league history. Van Horn failed to live up to his Great White Hope hype and the final act of his career was having his corpse used as an add-on in the trade that sent Jason Kidd to Dallas. Outlaw somehow hung on to play 914 games in The Association, averaging a very quiet 5.4 points and 4.9 rebounds per game (although he did once notch a triple-double, and when asked about it he famously replied: "Triple-Double? What’s that, some kind of hamburger?") As for Allen, sure, he's been part of this Celtics' rejuvenation, but I'd be willing to bet Larry Bird's three championship rings that there isn't an NBA fan alive who would claim that Ray kept them from giving up on the league. (Unless Ray calls them "mom and dad.")

Can you think of any other predictions that, in retrospect, were that far off the mark? Leave your nomination(s) in the comments section and I'll assemble a top ten list.

Update! More from Wild Yams: Some additions to that Fab Five: Van Horn ended his career by quitting for no reason, deciding to just stop playing in the middle of a contract despite being in the "prime" of his career and being completely healthy. While some might say it's honorable to want to spend time with your family rather than play basketball, it's not exactly helping the NBA and the perception that NBA players are spoiled or whiny. After all, most people can't relate to someone giving up $5 million for one season (not to mention whatever he would have made in years after that) simply because the prospect of being a guy who mostly rides the bench seemed like too much work. Lord knows there's plenty of great family men who have suffered through the horrors of being an NBA player and survived to talk about it.

Ray Allen became the first player to publicly say that there may be an NBA conspiracy and that he felt his Bucks team was eliminated from the playoffs because the league didn't want such a small market team on TV in the playoffs. Whether this was true or not is for you to decide, but doing so didn't exactly help "make the NBA likable again" in the wake of Jordan's retirement.

Labels: Bo Outlaw, fan submissions, Jayson Williams, Keith Van Horn, predictions gone horribly wrong, Stephon Marbury, Worst Evers

feel-good loss (fel good lahs) phrase. A loss that provides some measure of hope and optimism for the future, such as a narrow defeat to a vastly superior team.

Usage example: The Bulls may have lost to the Mavericks in Dallas, but it took 44 points from Dirk Nowitzki and an improbable three-pointer by Jason Kidd to do it. So you can chalk that one up as a feel-good loss.

Word history: The term was used recently by Al Harrington after his Knicks were beaten in New York by Lebron James' historic not-quite-a-triple-double. Said Al: "This is one of the games where you can say it's a feel-good loss. The two times we played them before, they blew us out of the building in the first half. But I think we're showing our growth. We played well." (Wow. Can I get a "Yay, team!"?)

However, even though Harrington's quote (via Chris) brought the phrase to my attention, it's not a new one. A quick Google search uncovered several instances of the term "feel-good loss" (for example: here, here and here).

Word usuage: I would say that, typically speaking, a true feel-good loss should be indicative of a team's general upward trend. In that spirit, I'm not sure the Knicks' narrow loss to the Cavaliers is representative, since it was followed up by feel-bad losses to the Celtics and Trail Blazers. And in the latter defeat, New York had to rally from a 17-point third-quarter deficit and then blew a 13-point lead in the last eight minutes (which included getting outscored 8-0 in the final 1:54) before losing 109-108 on a buzzer-beating finger roll by Brandon Roy. But there's more. As Dr. Henry Pym pointed out in an email: "The Knicks HAD A FOUL TO GIVE when they let Brandon Roy hit that buzzer beating layup. Seriously, how stupid can Mike D'Antoni BE?!" Yeah. I'm guessing Al isn't feeling so good right now.

Synonyms: Losses That Aren't As Bad As Others, moral victory.

Labels: Al Harrington, fan submissions, Word of the Day

Friday Night Lacktion Lights

Magic-Pacers: Two Wall Street raiders for the hometown Pacers tonight, as Stephen Graham earned a 1.5 trillion to go along with fellow lacktator Maceo Baston's 4.8 trillion take!

Also putting in some anti-contributions for Indiana was reserve center Jeff Foster, who fouled out after 12:15 with a turnover, giving him a slight Voskuhl of 7:6 (six fouls and the giveaway against two points and four rebounds).

Raptors-Hornets: Julian Wright may need to check which uniform he's wearing, for despite his official status on New Orleans's roster, he proved a fine passer for the Craptors, providing the dinos with the rock on three occasions for a suck differential of +3 in 3:53.

Jazz-Kings: Morris Almond and Kosta Koufos, as 15-second Mario Brothers, usher in an era of platform gaming for Jerry Sloan.

Clippers-Grizzlies: In 5:52 of lacktivity, DeAndre Jordan earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 4:3 (three fouls and one turnover against one rebound and one made shot).

Suns-Warriors: When Phoenix was in full revenge game mode, Don Nelson knew when to just let the score take care of itself, and focus instead on getting his anonymous pawns into the lacktion ledger. Anthony Morrow smoothly sauntered into the lifestyles of the rich and not-so-famous with a 2.85 trillion, while Rob Kurz gave the ball away once and took three fouls for a +4 in just about the same amount of time (2:51, only one second less than Morrow's stint).

Saturday Night Lacktator Revue

Clippers-Hawks: As the Hawks have continued to show more inconsistency since their record-padding homestand, lacktion has remained a priority for Atlanta's basketball team. Mario West failed to provide non-production with two made field goals, forcing Solomon Jones into the role of lacktator for the night. Jones flew onto the court nicely with a three-foul stint in 4:47, officially a +3 on the books!

Heat-Sixers: Yakhouba Diawara is as familiar to this ledger as D-Wade is to the charity stripe, as he demonstrated with a one-foul +1 in 1:35 why he will be one of the easiest picks ever for the All-Lacktion squad. In 5:52, Miami teammate Joal Anthony racked up a bit of a Voskhul at 6:4 (5 fouls and 1 giveaway against a made shot and 2 boards).

Nets-Nuggets: Sonny Weems was an efensive beast for 'enver as he spent his 7:50 of court time racking up numbers only a true lacktator could love: two bricks, one foul, and two giveaways for +5! Also proving to be adept at ineptitude is Johan Petro, whose 6:38 came with a Voskuhl of 3:0 through three fouls against no points or rebounds (after three bricks).

Sunday Lacktionable Wrapup

Spurs-Celtics: Just because a matchup makes it to national television doesn't mean that lacktators can all expect to remain obscure via positive contributions. San Antonio's Malik Hairston's stint mushroomed into a two second Super Mario on the parquet!

Suns-Pistons: Gord Dragic tragically bricked twice for +2 in 4:16, while Detroit's Walter Herrmann stomped onto the hardwood for a 23 second Mario.

Pacers-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov is a repeat lacktator, this time littering his 9:24 of floor time with a Voskuhl of 3:2 (two fouls and one giveaway against one made shot).

Note: Mike Dunleavy racked up non-contributions as a starter but got hurt after only three minutes, so that likely doesn't count.

Jazz-Warriors: Jarron Collins gave Jerry Sloan a +2 in 3:33 via two fouls - also a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! -- as his Jazz found themselves on the wrong end of a minor blowout in Oaktown. Nellieball made sure to represent in the ledger, as Anthony Morrow fouled once and bricked twice (one instance tossing masonry from downtown) for +3 in 2:38.

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: guest author, lacktion report

So the Celtics lost to the Bynum-less Lakers on their home court in overtime last night. This would normally be discouraging to a Celtics fan, but fortunately the C's have plenty of legitimate excuses to fall back on:

10.) "We're still reeling over the loss of Andrew Bynum."
(Wait, that's Top Ten Reasons the Lakers Lost, if they had...but they didn't).

9.) "KG fouled out. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to not have a key big man on the floor?"
(Laker response: uhm, yeah. We do.)

8.) "We figured 'What are the odds that the Lakers would break our 19-game win streak and our 12-game winning streak? It would be like winning the lottery twice.'"
(Editor's note: You may want to consult a statitician on that one)

7.) "Home court advantage is overrated."
(Editor's note: It better be, cause you've just lost it in a tie-breaker)

6.) "We knew firing Lucky last week was going to come back to haunt us."

5.) From Kendrick Perkins: "Before the game, I found a magic lamp in my locker. I rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me three wishes. I asked for a liftime supply of surlyness, for all that stuff from the '12 days of Christmas' song, and for x-ray vision. In retrospect, I probably should have asked for a big win tonight and another championship. I mean, I did get to see Kobe naked, but that's not worth losin' for."

4.) "They outscored us in overtime."
(Editor's note: This ranks a 9 on the Dull-Negrometer)

3.) "This is a rebuilding year."
(Editor's note: Really. How exactly is it a rebuilding year? - see Excuse Number 2)

2.) "Posey is gone. What did you expect? We lost one quarter of the Big Four..."
(Editor's note: Thank God you don't have to spend another 6 million dollars on Posey a few years from now, Danny. So I guess when you decide you're going to be "one and done," you buy the biggest and blingy-est bling you can? - see Excuse Number 1).

1.) "We were blinded by the glare of our GM's ring in the stands."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, top ten excuses we lost

Since ESPN is doing that whole Mount Rushmore of Sports thing, Evil Ted and I decided there needed to be a Mount Rushmore of Basketbawful. After nearly seven seconds (or less) of furious non-debate, we chose the faces and ET Photoshopped the graphic. All hail.

Update! Hey. What's that...up in the clouds... (thanks Tonewise.)


Editor's note: I really, really wish the real Mount Rushmore had five heads so that we could have included Antoine Walker. In fact, based on extra cogitation and reader suggestions, additional Basketbawful Rushmorians could include (but not be limited to): Bill Laimbeer, Clay Bennet, the Clippers logo, Darko Milicic, Dennis Rodman, Duncan face, Eddy Curry, Joey Crawford, John Hollinger, Lamar Odom, Latrell Spreewell, Mario West, Ron Artest, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter. Am I missing anybody?

Labels: ESPN, Greg Ostertag, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, Mount Rushmore, Stephon Marbury

The New York Knicks Basketball Props: Two nights after passively watching Kobe Bryant set a Madison Square Garden record by scoring 61 points (on 19-for-31 shooting), the Knicks Basketball Props let LeBron James torch them with one of the highest-scoring triple-doubles in NBA history: 52 points, 10 rebounds and 11 assists. King Crab -- who had 20 points by the end of the first quarter -- joined Michael Jordan as the only visiting players with multiple 50-point games at the present MSG. (He also had 50 points, 8 rebounds and 10 assists there on March 5, 2008, causing a fan wearing a LeBron jersey to lose his mind and rush the floor.) The feat also made James the first player since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (in 1975) to have a triple-double in a 50-point game.

I know the Knicks Basketball Props have been down -- like, waaaay down -- the last several years, but that's not the kind of history a team should be setting. I mean, think about it: Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller. You know what those guys have in common? All four of them have had more historic performances in New York in the last 20 years than ANY Knicks Props player. Have some pride, guys. STOP SOMEBODY.

LeBron James, "liar, liar, pants on fire" machine: There was a lot of speculation that King Crab would try to one-up Mamba's 61-point game. And that's exactly what happened: 'Bron's 52 plus a triple-double was much bigger. (Kobe, by comparison, finished with zero rebounds and 3 assists in his big game.) Of course, LeBron was playing all coy and stuff before the game: "We go out and try to win ball games. Myself and Kobe go out and win ball games and sometimes we make games like that. It just so happens where we get high numbers or we make an unbelievable play. It just happens that way. But we're out there first of all trying to win the basketball game. I never go into a game saying I'm going to try to put up a decent amount of numbers or anything like that. I've never been that type of player." Suuuuure.

I'm sorry, but I will never believe that this game "just happened" by coincidence right after Kobe got his 61. And honestly, I have no problem with that. I enjoy these little games within the game. They've been a part of the NBA since forever, and they make the experience a lot more fun. Back on April 9, 1978, George Gervin edged David Thompson for the regular season scoring crown by dropping 63 points on the Denver Nuggets. Earlier that same day, Thompson had put up 73 points against the Detroit Pistons. They didn't deny it, either. They reveled in it! In 1985, Kevin McHale set the Celtics' single-season scoring record with 56 points (versus the Pistons). Near the end of the game, Larry Bird warned Kevin that he'd better go for 60. McHale didn't, and nine days later, Bird scored 60 against the Atlanta Hawks. And let's not forget how David Robinson scored 71 against the Clippers (to go along with 14 rebounds, 5 assists and 2 blocks) on the final day of the 1993-94 season to steal the scoring title from Shaq. (Shaq, who remains bitter about that to this day, had 32 points and 22 boards later that night.)

Look, we are talking about seriously great players here. And, frankly, these guys can have ginormous games virtually any time they want. When they choose to do so, it makes the NBA 100 percent more interesting for fans, bloggers, the media, and whoever else you want to name. So don't hold back, LeBron! Admit that you think of Madison Square Garden as your home away from home and that Kobe's not welcome there. Start a duel, stoke a rivalry. The fans want that. They need it.

As a sidenote, Mr. "I decided to start playing defense this year" might have secured this win a little earlier if he'd spent less time chasing history and more time stopping Al Harrington (39 points, 13 rebounds). If, you know, winning was all that really mattered...

Wally Szczerbiak, quote machine: Regarding LeBron's gaudy stats: "A pretty impressive triple-double. I bet his fantasy owners are pretty happy."

Austin Carr (Crabs color commentator), unintentionally dirty quote machine: Basketbawful reader Bateman's Legal Counsel wrote in: "After attempting another I'm-gonna-slow-my-pace-and-let-you-worry-about-my-teammate-before-kicking-it-into-high-gear-and-coming-from-behind-to-spike-your-weak-layup-attempt-off-the-glass-and-thereby-deliver-an-ego-ectomy shot block on Al Harrington, LeBrizzle collides with Al Harrington and both players fall to the ground. Said Carr: 'That's a whole lotta manhood crashing on the hardwood.' Alright, so maybe he said 'floor' and not 'hardwood,' but the latter was clearly implied."

The Washington Wizards Generals: It's tough to continually prove that you're the worst team in the league. But -- somehow, some way -- the Wizards General keep doing it. This time, confirmation came in the form of a 27-point home loss to the New Jersey Nets. The Nets scored 115 points by shooting 61 percent from the field and almost 55 percent from distance. It was New Jersey's best shooting night since a 62-percent performance on March 28, 2003 against (you guessed it!) the Knicks Basketball Props in New York. Did someone cut off the Wizards'Generals' hands? Can they not put them in people's faces?

How bad was it? This bad: The Washington fans started chanting "Edd-ie Jor-dan! Edd-ie Jor-dan!" during the fourth quarter. Of course, there are circumstances. The Wizards Generals were without Caron Butler (flu), Gilbert Arenas (knee), Brendan Haywood (wrist), Etan Thomas (knee), DeShawn Stevenson (back), Juan Dixon (elbow) and Andray Blatche (knee). But that doesn't make the 10-39 record any easier to deal with.

Antawn Jamison: Before the game, Wizards Generals coach Ed Tapscott said his team's offensive game plan would be: "AJ left, AJ right, AJ up the middle." How it actually turned out was "AJ down the toilet." Jamison finished with 10 points on 4-for-20 shooting.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Hey, speaking of "worst teams in the league," the Clips tried to one-up the Wizards General, losing by 29 to the Jameer Nelson-less Magic. The key to this loss -- besides the general defenselessness (Orlando shot almost 57 percent from the field and nearly 62 percent from downtown) -- was giving up a season-high 25 points (on 9-for-11 shooting) to the ancient Anthony Johnson, who was starting his first game in place of the injured Nelson. Said Johnson: "The Clippers were allowing us wide-open jumpers. It's just a matter of stepping into them. ... It made it very easy for myself to step into wide-open shots and knock them down." Translation: They Clippers couldn't guard an out-of-order fire hydrant. They, like the Wizards Generals, are now 10-39.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Jose Calderon sat out with a sore right hammy and Chris Bosh left the game with 8:50 remaining in the fourth because of a sprained right knee. But L.A. still barely beat the lowly Craptors. Toronto's Joey Graham had a career-high 24 points, and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal added 22 points and 9 blocks. Looking ahead to Boston, were we, Lakers?

The Detroit Pistons, Part I: They held on for a crucial 93-90 home win over the Heat, but just barely. And, to be frank, they nearly blew it. Detroit was up 89-87 with 32 seconds left when Allen Iverson stole the ball from Michael Beasley. But instead of wisely chewing up some time, Rasheed Wallace jacked up a three with 14 seconds left on the shot clock. Sure, he hit the shot, pushing the Pistons' lead to 92-87. But it also left Miami with a lot of time. Of course...

Dwyane Wade: After 'Sheed splashed home that three-pointer, Pookie got T'd up for throwing the ball into the stands. Not a very veteran-ly play (nor was it exactly MVP-like). Fortunately for Wade and the Heat...

The Detroit Pistons, Part II: Tayshaun Prince bonked the technical free throw and Wade immediately hit a triple to pull the Heat to within 92-90 with 18 seconds left. Miami was forced to foul Richard Hamilton, an 87-percent foul shooter, but Rip missed BOTH free throws. The Heat called timeout to draw up a play, but Wade missed clanked an ugly baseline J and Miami was forced to foul again. But Arron Afflalo missed one of his two 'throws, which gave the Heat a chance to tie the game with a last-second shot. Prince tried to foul Wade to prevent him from launching a potentially game-tying three, but when the refs didn't call it, Prince STOPPED TO ARGUE as Wade scampered downcourt squeeze off his last-second attempt...which just bounced of the rim at the buzzer.

So let's file this victory under "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others." Still, it is a win...

The "New Orleans Hornets": Feel free to read all about this game at By The Horns, but here's some 'bawful-specific data: The Hornets were without Mo Pete, Tyson Chandler, and (most importantly) Chris Paul. And so, not surprisingly, the Bulls gored them into grisly submission. The Hornets shot only 36 percent and committed 15 turnovers. But without Chris Paul to guide them, offensive woes were to be expected. But what was up with the defense? The Bulls hit 13 of their first 16 shots and were up 31-20 by the end of the first quarter.

The bulge grew to 18 by halftime (62-44), and those first 24 minutes were like a pregame shootaround: Chicago hit 63.4 percent of their field goal attempts, converting seven layups and seven dunks in the process. The 62 points represented the most the Hornets have given up in a half this season. And the Bulls' 56 percent shooting for the game was the highest field-goal percentage by a New Orleans opponent during this season. Simply put, they could not stop the Bulls. And at times, it was like they weren’t even trying. And don't think Byron Scott didn't notice.

Said Scott: "Guys getting to the paint for layups and dunks -- I don't think that has a lot to do with Chris Paul. It has more to do with us and toughness and pride more than anything. ...It's got to get to a point where you say, 'Enough is enough.' Then you start taking some pride on the defensive end. We've got to really take pride in that end where we're not allowing guys to get down the lane for layups and dunks that are uncontested. It's got to be different than that."

The Denver Nuggets: One night after barely beating the Spurs' B-Team, they barely beat the Thunders' B-Team, which, as it happens, is just their regular team. But still. And it took a driving runner from Carmelo Anthony with 5.3 seconds to give the Nuggets the win. Mostly because Enver's efense gave up 113 points on 50 percent shooting. Of course, the Thunder gave up 114 points and that last second shot...

The Minnesota Timberwolves: They rallied from a 17-point third-quarter hole...and the patient almost lived. Almost. The T-Wolves were done in by turnovers (18) and really bad shooting: Sebastian Telfair was 0-for-9, Randy Foye was 4-for-19 and Al Jefferson was 7-for-17. Oddly enough, Minnesota's rogue poet, Rashad McCants -- who hadn't played in 13 long games -- scored 10 points in 15 minutes of daylight. Said Timberwolves coach Kevin McHale: "Rashad was a bright spot tonight and there weren't many."

The Houston Rockets: One night after barely holding off the Bulls at home, the Rockets got mauled on the road by the Grizzlies. Houston is ranked in the league's top 10 in defensive efficiency, but they let the Griz shoot 53 percent for the game (plus 50 percent from Three-Land) and outscore them 48-32 in the paint. Said Knee-Mac: "I think there is something wrong." Ya think?

The Phoenix Suns: Well, then. I guess they aren't okay after all. Apparently, the Suns were so disappointed the league wouldn't let them carry over any of those extra 48 points they scored against the Kings that they decided to play even less defense than usual against the Warriors. And it showed. Stephen Jackson had a triple-double (30 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists), Jamal Crawford added 27 on 10-for-18 shooting, and "Mr. Undrafted" Kelenna Azubuike shot 9-for-12 for his 25 points. Phoenix fell behind 43-30 after the first quarter and that might as well have been the ball game. Said should-really-be-fired-soon Suns coach Terry Porter: "We just never really recovered from that first quarter. They just came out gave us a TKO punch. They were knocking down everything from the perimeter, hitting three's. ... It concerns me, the level that we're playing at right now." Oh, he's concerned, is he? Well, he should be.

Amare Stoudemire: Huh...13 points, 8 rebounds and 4 turnovers don't look like All-Star numbers to me. But what do I know? Also, who was guarding Azubuike? Nobody, of course. But it was supposed to be STAT.

Jamal Crawford: Despite their win over the Suns, it seems there's some internal dissent in Golden State. Basketbawful reader Reid drew my attention to this soon-to-be classic quote from Jamal "I like to shoot it, shoot it" Crawford: Jamal apparently yelled at Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette to "contribute something other than scoring." Not only is that a laughable case of the pot calling the kettle black, it's also like asking Aquaman to contribute something to the Super Friends other than chatting with their pet goldfish and getting captured.

Lacktion report: There's no rest for the wicked around here, nor is there any respite for Chris from another night of intense lactivity.

Lakers-Raptors: All-Lacktion hero Jake Voskuhl pulls down a 3 second Super Mario, unremembered as briefly as the CD-i system!

Nets-Wizards: Chris Douglas-Roberts actually made a shot so Maurice Ager entered the court as New Jersey's lacktator of choice for the night, bricking once for +1 in a clean 4:09.

Heat-Pistons: Chris Quinn of Miami fouled twice and missed a shot for +3 in 8:27.

Rockets-Grizzlies: Memphis's Quinton Ross had a +1 (foul) in 2:04.

Blazers-Mavs: James Singleton started out having a three second Super Mario, but ultimately chose to expand it to 8-bit NES levels with a second quick on-court spell. After the additional hardwood non-production, Singleton ended up with a 19 second regular Mario for Dallas which included a giveaway!

Tiffany Cox, Carmelita Hall, Miesha Nelson, and Roslind Ball: Talk about "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." These four Chicago women chased a man down, beat him, stabbed him more than 20 times, then dug through his pockets and took his coat. I suppose it goes without saying that he didn't survive. His crime? Well, he "disrespected" them. And that is, apparently, punishable by death in whatever Bizarro world these ladies came from. The whole thing started after the dead man broke one of their cigarettes. And no, I'm not kidding.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba sent Tiffany Cox, Carmelita Hall, Miesha Nelson, and Roslind Ball a fake letter from Luke Walton that said Luke wanted to help them out in any way he could. The letter included Luke's bank account and credit card numbers.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Denver Nuggets, don't mess with a woman's cigarette, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, New Orleans Hornets, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Washington Wizards

Hey, is that Lamar Odom...or Lamar Latrell?! Whoever he is, somebody needs to let him know there are more socially acceptable ways to discourage penetration. You know, into the paint.


Note: Many thanks to Wira for the picture.

Labels: fan submissions, Lamar Latrell, Lamar Odom, man love, Revenge of the Nerds

If you're going to rip off Sam-I-Am's "big balls" dance,you'd better make damn sure you win the game...
The Philadelphia 76ers: The NBA schedule is, by and large, a cruel and tempestuous mistress (much like Khloe Kardashian), but every once in a while, it provides an unexpected gift. The Sixers got one last night: A home court matchup with the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics for the chance to hop back over the .500 mark. It was a golden opportunity versus a severely weakened conference rival...so of course the Sixers wasted it.

Philly's scrambling defense forced its fair share of turnovers (21 for 30 points), but their hands were apparently too busy swiping at the ball to get in anybody's face (Boston shot just a shade under 54 percent for the game). And the Sixers -- the supposed running team in this contest -- finished with fewer fast break points (12) than the Celtics (15). Ray Allen was 5-for-7 in the fourth quarter, including a three-pointer that tied the game at 97 with 37 seconds left and another that won the game with 0.5 ticks to go...despite suffering from flu-like symptoms!

And on that last play, the Sixers committed one of the classic blunders, the first of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: When you're up by two and your opponent has the final shot, no matter what, DO NOT GIVE UP THE THREE. Even pickup ballers know this. Philadelphia was so concerned about Paul Pierce's penetration that they collapsed into the paint and lost Allen. How could they let Ray freaking Allen, one of the best three-point marksmen in league history, slip behind the arc unattended for a wide-open shot? If they were going to do that, why bother playing defense at all?

Andre Iguodala: Sam Cassell invented was the first NBA player to steal the "I have big balls" dance from Major League II (apparently). That's common knowledge. The fact that other NBA players are copying it -- even Kobe Bryant! -- is just silly. Look, I know it's super cool and everything, but it's Sam's thing. Mr. T has defined awesome for two generations of men, but do you see dudes walking around with two metric tons worth of gold chains wrapped around their necks? No. Because it's a signature T-ism. Well, that and no other human neck could support the crushing weight. But my point is: Don't do it. It's embarrassing and, potentially, a stat curse. Know what happened after Kobe did it? The Lakers lost on an improbable shot in the closing seconds. And after Iggy did it? Same thing.


The moral of this story: Only Sam Cassell gets to do the "I have big balls" dance.

Doc Rivers, inexplicable quote machine: Regarding Kevin Garnett: "He smells things 75 percent of the league can't." We finally know the secret to KG's success...super olfactory senses!

The Toronto Craptors: It's not even that they can't win, it's that they can't even keep their games competitive. After two straight double-digit home losses (to the Bucks and Magic), the Craptors got blown out in the first quarter (37-15) and only got back into the game because the Crabs fell asleep in the third quarter. They woke up in the fourth, though, and won going away, 101-83. Toronto shot 39 percent as a team, 8 percent from downtown (1-for-12), and their starting guards (Jose Calderon and Anthony Parker) combined to hit only 2 of their 16 field goal attempts). I really don't get this team. They have too much talent to be this bad-to-mediocre. Speaking of their talent...

Chris Bosh: He shot 11-for-19 and finished with 29 points, but he grabbed only 3 rebounds -- the same as Calderon and one fewer than Anthony Parker. And he had a fourth-quarter dunk attempt blocked by King Crab himself. Note that Bosh went up one-handed...which caused my inner Hubie Brown to mutter "That's why we tell big men to throw it down with two hands. YOU HAVE TO FORCE THE DEFENDER TO FOUL YOU." Video:


Said Crabs coach Mike Brown: "That caught me off guard. When he came from the weak side and got that block, I was floored. I didn't think there was any way whatsoever that any human being could come from the weak side and contest a shot the way he did. Wow! Wow! Wow!" Really? No human being? I guess Mike never got to watch Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson play ball...

The Iniana Pacers: The "D" continues to elude the Pacers in the alphabet soup of their season. Despite a so-so game from Al Jefferson's (12 points on 13 shots) and another DNP-CD for Rashad "I'm a poet but you didn't know it" McCants, the Timberwolves dropped 116 points on the Pacers' home court, outscoring them 38-29 in the fourth to steal the game. In addition to their typical defenselessness, Indy was mortally wounded by two critical free throw misses by T.J. Ford down the stretch. And he entered the game hitting 89 percent of his foul shots. Said Ford: "I definitely let the team down. I had an opportunity more than once to tie the game or take the lead. I just wasn't able to come through in the clutch for my team. I have to sleep on that one tonight." As a Pacers fan, I kind of hope it feels like sleeping on a bed of broken glass and rusty barbed wire. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

By the way, I'm starting to get the feeling that I was wrong about Kevin Love. That dude's pretty darn good, as it turns out. His game has really blossomed under Kevin McHale, who apparently is worlds better as a coach than a GM.

The Milwaukee Bucks M.A.S.H. Unit: No Michael Redd. No Andrew Bogut. Vince Carter's fifth career triple-double (15 points, 12 assists and 10 rebounds). A huge double-double from rookie Brook Lopez (22 points, 12 boards). Near perfect marksmanship for Ryan Anderson (7-for-10 for his 19 points). Misdirected shooting from the field (36 percent) and the line (10 misses). Just a big fat fail in virtually every direction.

Scott Skiles, backhanded compliment machine: Regarding his team's failure to hold off the double-rookie onslaught of Lopez and Anderson: "Brook Lopez was obviously very hard for us to handle and Ryan Anderson's offense was a lot of the time behind the three-point line. Nothing against Anderson, but I never thought I would say we got manhandled by him." Nobody expects that, Scott. Or a Spanish Inquisition, for that matter.

Lawrence Frank, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "The thing that was hurting us was their penetration at times."

Vince Carter, "I know who he is" machine: Regarding the return of former Nets teammate Richard Jefferson (who scored 27 points): "R.J. was being R.J."

Joakim Noah: [Gratuitous Plug Alert!] You can get full coverage of the Bulls-Rockets game at By The Horns, but I have to tell you: After seeing him get abused by Al Jefferson and Yao Ming on this road trip, I'm officially nicknaming Noah "The Prop." I mean, it's not his fault he's being forced to defend guys he obviously can't handle. He's trying. He really is. But that doesn't change the fact that he's failing.

The Bulls' interior defense / foul shooting: When guys like Anderson Varejao and Zaza Pachulia keep ending up with season highs against a team, well, you know that team has a problem protecting the paint. Such is the case with these Bulls, who gave up 28 points to Yao Ming (who was limited to 30 minutes due to first-half foul trouble) and a career-high-matching 18 rebounds to Luis Scola. Not to mention 3 backbreaking offensive boards to Carl Landry in the fourth quarter. Plus, Yao's numbers don't tell the story about how his mere presence dominated the game. Vinny Del Negro had no answer, except maybe to duck and cover. Also: The Bulls bonked 11 free throws.

Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas: Knee-Mac walked past Deng and then almost gave Thomas a Spaulding tattoo. Sick.


Personally, I blame Deng. Why the hell was he playing Knee-Mac so closely? Give him space, make him shoot it. That's just bad defense, and it got his teammate in the poster.

Gregg Popovich: WHAAAAA...?! Manu Ginobili sat out with a bruised hip, So Pops decided to give Duncan and Parker the night off too? And I'm not talking about "at the hotel getting treatment" or "back in San Antonio chilling out." They were there! On the bench! Watching!


Look, I get it. Popovich likes to keep his horses rested and healthy. They're on an extended road trip and they'd gone to overtime against the Warriors the previous night. But man, what a crazy random happenstance.

The Denver Nuggets: Facing the Spurs B-Team, which MIGHT finish in the middle of the pack in the NBA's Developmental League, the Nuggets promptly sunk to the occasion and nearly lost the game. The "Spurs" pulled to 98-94 with two minutes left (via a Roger Mason triple), but Carmelo hit a free throw and a jump shot to turn back San Antonio's rally.

Not surprisingly, George Karl was pissed. He called his team "selfish" and accused them of playing down to their competition. "We were fortunate. We still have a tendency in messing around with the game. It's kind of come back in the last couple of weeks. We've still won most of the games but we should have attacked this game with a professional attitude and an intensity, and probably should have gotten the game over by the fourth quarter." He also said: "I do realize in the NBA it is a trait of good teams winning playing bad. Going on a road trip after this performance scares the hell out of me." It should.

Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time 0ut to provide our triple-pump of lacktivity.

Raptors-Cavs: Both Nathan Jawai and Jake Voskuhl sat for the Craptors, so in the midst of yet another blowout victory, the responsibility for the evening's non-production solely lay on the Crabs. Darnell Jackson's experience at swimming in the still waters of stasis paid off with a 3.26 trillion, while the newest crustacean, Trey Johnson (previously in Bakersfield's D-League squad), baked a brick for a suck differential of +1 in 2:09. Surprisingly, in 14:10, Anderson Varejao racked up a slight Voskuhl of 6:5 via five fouls and a turnover against three rebounds and one field goal.

Bucks-Nets: The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit apparently recommends sedentary behavior on the hardwood to reduce the chance of injury, which also reduces the likelihood of the contagious condition known as "winning." Joe Alexander needs a cash register next to his bench spot after striking it rich with a full 9.15 trillion! Damon Jones gave himself a slightly smaller gift of 1.8 trillion. Meanwhile, New Jersey's Chris Douglas-Roberts has started to emerge as a late possibility for the All-Lacktion team, tossing a brick and fouling once for +2 in 6:54 of lacktivity.

Bulls-Rockets: Joakim Noah started off slowly and stayed asleep for a full 17:33 at the Toyota Center, giving the Bulls a devestating Voskuhl of 7:3 by fouling out and handing the rock to his opponents twice, against one made shot and one rebound. He was especially burned by Yao Ming, who drew two quick fouls on him in the opening frame (forcing Vinny Del Negro to switch him out with Aaron Gray). Yao then punished Noah harder midway in the fourth quarter by both dunking on him and drawing yet another foul for the chance at an ultimately successful charity stripe shot -- a sequence which proved to be great at killing off Chicago's momentum up to that moment, when the Bulls had made it a five-point game!

Christian Bale: You know, I've always dug on Bale. He was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (one of my all-time favorite movies). And he's Batman! But that four-minute tantrum -- during which he dropped 36 F-bombs -- was ridiculous and embarrassing. Glad to see he's your typical Hollywood prima donna. Oh, wait, it was because he's a method actor? Riiiight. I would have believed that after maybe a minute, minute-and-a-half's worth of F-bombery. Oh well. At least one good thing came out of this: The Bale Out dance mix! Decidedly NSFW.


The Michael Phelps brouhaha: What?! Olympic champion Michael Phelps smoked pot! IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD. Or not. I can't believe the backlash Phelps is getting for this. Particularly since we live in a country whose medical community has recognized marijuana's therapeutic benefits. Hell, Boston has decriminalized possession of small amounts of it! But that's our hypocritical nation. Prostitution is harshly prosecuted all over the place -- I recently read about a sting operation in a Chicago suburb -- but it's legal in certain areas of Nevada and (believe it or not) Rhode Island. Seriously. So smoking pot is wrong unless it's okay. You can't pay someone for sex unless you're someplace where you can.

And then guys like Michael Phelps get demonized for doing something that probably everyone else his age has either already done or considered doing. And now nobody will look at him the same way, and it gives the media a chance to bring up that DUI he had when he was 19. Uh oh! He has a history! What a monster!

Look, Phelps is a dork, and maybe even a bit of a douche. But can you blame him? He's young, he rules his sport with an iron swim cap. He toked. So what? Really. So what?

Kobe Bryant: Mamba filled Luke Walton's locker with gay porn and then, after most of the Lakers had shown up but before Walton had noticed, Kobe loudly drew everybody's attention to it: "Hey everybody, look at that stuff in Luke's locker! I guess we know now why he styles his hair that way..."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Chris Bosh, Christian Bale, Gregg Popovich, Michael Phelps, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors

I once witnessed a halftime show in which two topless men in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint performed gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's bodies. Afterward, I dubbed that mind-scarring event "The Halftime of Horror." But heed me now, dear readers. I clearly didn't what horror really was. Not until I read about a recent Oklahoma City Thunder game in which the audience was forced to endure the heretofore unthinkable: Watching a woman drown right before their very eyes. The following footage is morbidly disturbing, so watch it at your own risk:


The woman's name is Kristen Johnson. She's a professional escape artist whose "big thing" is bravely escaping -- normally without dying -- from a giant tube of water. She attempted this feat at the halftime of the Thunders' January 16th game against the Pistons.

Everything was going great -- fans were cheering, children were laughing, puppies were frolicking amidst sweet-smelling dryer sheets -- until Kristen took a little too long to, you know, escape the tube. She then suffered cerebral hypoxia (the deprivation of oxygen supply to her brain tissue), went into a seizure and had to be rescued from what would have been a watery and somewhat ironic demise. (Not as ironic as Steve Irwin's death, but still.)

Don't worry, though. Kristin lived. Sure, she'll probably carry the resulting fear and pananoia around with her forever, but that's a small price to pay for freaking the hell out of however many people were actually at that game. But here's a quick piece of advice for all you parents out there: You probably shouldn't book Ridgeway and Johnson for your kid's next birthday party. I'm just a sayin'...

Labels: glub-blub-blub-blub, halftime shows, live drowning, Oklahoma City Thunder

Mamba says: "Bloargh!"
Update! Whoops. Forgot to thank Sky Flakes for today's pic.

Rashad McCants: Khloe Kardashian -- otherwise known as the little sister of that chick who's famous for reasons my human brain can't begin to fathom -- has officially broken up with McCants. This is how she announced the split on her Web site: "I wanted you all to be the first to hear the news that as of last night Rashad and I are no longer together. Relationships are hard enough as it is when you live in the same city, and he's in a different city everyday for games. Our time together was just so limited because of both of our schedules that we decided it is best not to be in a committed relationship. The last seven months have been great and we will definitely remain close friends."

Rashad: YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDED. That's great on Facebook, bad from somebody you used to form the beast-with-two-backs with. The news must have been pretty hard for McCants to take, particularly considering that he can't get off...the Timberwolves' bench: He's logged 12 DNP-CDs in Minnesota's last 13 games. Rejected first by Kevin McHale, then by the kid sister of a B-List (or maybe even C-List) celebrity. Ouchies.

McCants is apparently expressing his heartbreak on (surprise!) his Facebook page. During this ordeal, his relationship status went from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated" to "In an Open Relationship." And the "interests" section of his profile read: "that's who my relationship is with...MONEY." It seems he also posted: "F**k you [haters]. My status is Star Status." Okay then. He did attempt to set the record straight on his own official site, just so we didn't think Khloe broke up with him because he was cheating on her during his time "in a different city every day."

Awesome doesn't begin to describe how I feel about the sheer amount of drama generated by an NBA player who doesn't even play and his not-really-famous ex-girlfriend. As Yakov Smirnoff would no doubt say: What a country! Maybe Rashad will find some sort of release in poetry. Go read his epic ballad Hustle and Cream.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Breaking news! Dr. Paul Armstrong, the world-famous meteor scientist who defeated the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, has recently unearthed the heretofore unknown substance that lies below what is known as "rock bottom." And that substance is: The Washington Generals. This historic discovery was made after the Memphis Grizzles -- who have had three different coaches (Marc Iavaroni, Johnny Davis and Lionel Hollins) in the 12 games since they last enjoyed the thrill of victory -- went to Washington and beat the Generals by 16 behind O.J. Mayo's career-high-tying 33 points.

Said Generals interim coach Ed Tapscott: "That was the worst effort I've seen us give since I've been here. There wasn't any hustle. There wasn't any life. That was just a very, very poor effort." The AP recap doesn't say that Tapscott then broke into tears, but that's sort of how I'm imagining it.

O.J. Mayo, unintentional disrespect machine: Remember how I mentioned that Mayo matched his career high against the Generals? Well, his final two points were scored on an uncontested dunk on the Grizzlies' final possession...when Mayo could have just to run out the clock. Tapscott didn't care, dismissing the In-Your-Face Disgrace as an act of "youthful exuberance." But Caron Butler was pissed: "That's a sign of disrespect. It's one of those things. You've got to understand people are going to kick you when you're down." That's true, but Caron, think about it: That's the BEST TIME to kick somebody! [/Bobby "The Brain" Heenan]

Mayo, on the other hand, was going with Tapscott's "youthful exuberance" angle: "Just so happy to get a win. I'm sorry on the sportsmanship thing, I was just so happy to get a win and bring it home with a bang and finally have a positive feeling in the locker room at the end of the game." Well, look out, O.J. The Generals will be in Memphis for their revenge game on April Fool's Day. Appropriate, huh?

Lionel Hollins, blame-passing machine: After the Griz busted out of their slump last night, their latest coach said: "They haven't lost 12 in a row with me." Remember, Lionel: When you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

The Orlando Magic: Talk about bad nights. The Magic lost Jameer Nelson for the game -- and maybe for a while -- after he dislocated his right shoulder in the third quarter. With Nelson out, Orlando's opponent, the Dallas Mavericks, got hot: The Mavs went on a 19-6 to build a 75-57 third-quarter lead. They then started the fourth with a 10-4 burst to push their lead to 87-67. The Magic actually rallied to pull to within 99-90 with 2:29 left...but never got any closer. For the game, Dallas shot 53 percent to Orlando's 42 percent. Said Stan Van Gundy: "That one was pretty simple. We couldn't stop them, and we couldn't score. That makes for a long evening."

The New York Knicks: Before his team's game against the Lakers, Mike 'Antoni stood up before the court of public opinion and said: "The defense rests, your honor." However, the imaginary judge I made up for this story was confused. Why, he wondered, does New York's defense need to rest? They haven't even done anything this season! And that didn't change last night, as every player on the Knicks' roster bent over in unison and said: "Yes, Kobe! Take us! Take us any way you want us!" And that's exactly what the Mamba did, scoring a Madison Square Garden record 61 points on 19-for-31 shooting (and a perfect 20-for-20 from the line).

'Anonti, you might remember, liked to employ a "Let Kobe score as many points as he wants" strategy when he was coaching in Phoenix, with the theory being that Kobe's ball-hoggery would keep his teammates off the stat sheet while wearing Mamba down by the fourth quarter. And, uh, yeah, that worked like a charm, didn't it? Said 'Antoni: "We tried to do the rope-a-dope a little bit where he might shoot himself out, but he didn't. He just kept on going."

Kobe's non-stop hotness wasn't the only flaw in Mikey's full-of-holes plan. Pau Gasol finished with 31 points, 14 rebounds and 5 assists. So much for holding down everybody BUT Kobe.

Much as it may surprise some people, I think it's awesome that Kobe came out all shoot 'em up after it was announced that Andrew Bynum will be out at least 8-10 weeks. That's what great players are supposed to do: Stamp out any notions of vulnerability. Of course, it helped that he was facing a thighs wide open defense. My only regret is that he had to break Bernard King's MSG record of 60 points set on Christmas Day in 1984. I would have liked to see King's record stand.

More bad news for the Knicks: New York hosts Cleveland on Wednesday and Boston on Friday. It's the first time a team has played three straight games against opponents with .750 winning percentages after February 1st since the Celtics did it in February 1995. Thanks to the Elias Sports Bureau for that useless stat of the day.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. I take back what I've been saying all season. The Clippers AREN'T who we thought they were. They're WORSE. Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and now Zach Randolph are all back, but even that couldn't alter The Other L.A. Team's trance-like play, as they lost 119-95 to the Heat in Miami. The Clips have now lost six straight and 20 of 22. I'd insert the obligatory Mike Dunleavy Sr. "why we lost" quote here, but the fact that he's still coaching this team fills me with a white-hot rage. So I'm going to just skip it today.

Miami shot almost 56 percent from the field and tied their second-highest point total of the season. The other time they scored 119 was against the defenseless Kings. They also scored 130 points, in overtime, versus the equally defenseless Warriors. Basically, the only way the Clippers defense could have looked worse was if the Knicks hadn't been playing last night.

The New Orleans Hornets: Like the Magic, the Hornets suffered a crippling third-quarter injury, only it was even more cripplingier: Chris Paul strained his right groin. (Yes, CP3 is so manly he has multiple groins. What about it?) When Paul left with 1:30 left in the third, New Orleans was up on Portland 72-55. They were then outscored 42-17 [!!] the rest of the way, including 38-15 in the fourth quarter, en route to losing 97-89. No doubt if you look up "complete and total collapse" in the dictionary, you'll find a short description of this game.

But the Hornets' defeat wasn't due only to a weakness in the backcourt, they were also pitifully feeble up front, getting outrebounded 52-32 by the Blazers. Apparently, the New Orleans players think that "box out" is just a particular kind of pornography. Speaking of which...

Comcast: The Philadelphia branch of the cable giant was forced to apologize Monday to Tucson-area customers because -- get this! -- the Super Bowl was interrupted by 30seconds worth of hard core porn. Seriously. Jennifer Khoury, Comcast's vice president for corporate communications, said: "Our initial investigation suggests this was an isolated malicious act." I'm not sure whether they're talking about the interruption itself or the scene that was actually shown. Maybe both? Anyway, Comcast says they're very sorry about the whole mess and is offering a generous $10 credit for those effected. Which, ironically, is about what they charge viewers for porn on their pay-per-view service.

Update! Groin injuries: Sun Devil sent in this image of CP3 immediately after his right-groin injury. Looks like it smarts something 'bawful. As Sun Devil said: "This is the most powerful piece of expression since Hans Moleman's indie flick."


The Charlotte Bobcats: Despite the continuing absence of Carlos Boozer (knee) and Andrei Kirilenko (ankle) as well as the new absence of Deron Williams (who sat out due to a contusion above his right knee), the 'Cats lost by 19 in Utah. Charlotte is now 0-3 since their miracle win over the Lakers and haven't finished any of those games within single digits of their opponent. The Bobcats actually shot pretty well (50 percent) and got 4 whole points out of former lottery pick Adam Morrison, but they also committed 24 turnovers (which helped the Jazz score an extra 32 points) and missed 8 free throws.

Raja Bell, back-handed compliment machine: Regarding his team's loss to a squad comprised mostly of Utah's backups: "That team that was on the court for them, I'm reluctant to say they're a better team than we are, but they beat us tonight and I'll tip my hat to them." Did anyone actually see Raja's hat? I hope it looked like a giant hot dog.

The Sacramento Kings: The Kings are trying their darnedest to prove that they, and not the Washington Wizards Generals are the worst team in the NBA. And last night's disaster against the Phoenix Suns might just have done the trick. The Sactowners were down 21 points by the end of the first quarter and ended up losing by 48 in what can only be described as a complete and utter cornholing. Of course, this was a case of the Suns, as a team and as a franchise, screaming: "WE'RE OKAY! SEE?! WE'RE REALLY, REALLY OKAY!" This sentiment was echoed by Terry Porter, who said afterward: "This win was definitely needed, from the standpoint of our confidence. Maybe we'll start believing we're a good team." Uh, you do realize you were playing the worst defensive team in the league...right, Terry?

But I'm not here to criticize the team that WON by almost 50 points. Sacramento shot 37 percent, missed 10 threes, committed 26 turnovers (to only 13 assists) and did enough hacking to give up 40 free throw attempts to the Suns. The Suns set a season-high for points (129) and a home record for margin of victory (it was also the largest winning margin by any team this season). But the worst part is that this wasn't even the only time the Kings have lost by 40+ points this season: They also lost by 45 to the Celtics. And that happened in Sacramento.

Bonus facts: The Suns outrebounded the Kings 64-44, including 21 off the offensive boards. They finished with a season-high 30 fast break points. They also had a season-high 16 steals, and they outscored Sacramento 64-34 in the paint.

Chris provided some perfectly bland quotes from Kings coach Kenny Natt's post game press conference: "That was a very embarrassing game." And: "They jumped on us right away and we were never really in the ballgame." Plus: "An all-around lack of effort tonight, offensively, defensively." Furthermore: "When you're hungry, you'll get 21 offensive rebounds, you'll get 59 total rebounds. Their effort was a lot better than ours." Moreover: "We've shown we're a lot better than that and we've played a lot better than that." Finally: "The game was lost in the first five minutes of the game." And yes, that sound you just heard was the Dull-Negrometer exploding.

The Golen State Warriors: The Knicks, Clippers and Kings were all horrible on the defensive end, and the Warriors tried to upstage them. They didn't quite get there, but they did well enough to lose at home in overtime to the Spurs, who exploded for 110 points. And yes, I consider 110 and explosion for the Spurs. Manu Ginobili scored a season-high 32 points and Tim Duncan matched his season-high with an identical 32.

Stephen Jackson actually could have won the game at the end of regulation, but he missed a leaning jumper on which, he thinks, he was hacked. "I got fouled. I took the shot and he hit my arm. I guess I'm not good enough to get that call." The Suns feel your pain, Captain Jack.

Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time out to provide our daily dose of lacktivity.

Mavs-Magic: Ryan Hollins put in a true Voskuhl for Dallas by fouling out after 10:41 of playing time and giving away the ball once, against one made shot and one rebound -- a staggering ratio of 7:3!

Grizzlies-Wizards: Greg Buckner was forced into extended playing time, where the pull of contributory basketball simply became irresistible. So Memphis's Kyle Lowry produced his +1 via foul in 3:56, before getting hurt.

Clippers-Heat: With Mike Dunleavy Sr. benching Cheikh Samb, he needed to find two new robber barons, and off his bench came DeAndre Jordan and Jason Hart, who did not disappoint. Jordan's 2.9 trillion nicely complemented a 21-second Mario from Hart.

Lakers-Knicks: After an absence from these reports, Sun Yue heated up with a one-foul +1 in 1:48 at MSG, as the human victory cigar to cap off an offensive explosion by the Lakers (who, highlighted by Kobe's 61 points, never scored fewer than 30 in a quarter -- a clear after-effect of Mike 'antoni efense!!).

Bobcats-Jazz: Alexis Ajinca gave Charlotte a 49 second Mario, coupled with a brick. In those same 49 seconds, Utah's Morris Almond also racked up a Mario -- creating Mario Brothers from opposing teams for once! Almond did get an assist in his limited seconds of court time.

Kobe Bryant: After spit-roasting the Knicks, Mamba was toweling off in the locker room when he looked over at Luke Walton and said: "You know, Luke, I'm never gonna forget the night we scored 67 together." After a short pause, Kobe said: "How many of those did you score again?" When Luke didn't immediately answer, Kobe said: "I ASKED HOW MANY OF THOSE YOU SCORED, WALTON!" To which Luke was forced to reply "Six." "Oh," said Mamba. "Well, uh, great game and all that."

Labels: Comcast Turtles, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Rashad McCants, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

With regard to Andrew Bynum's latest knee injury - an MCL tear that will keep him out between 8 - 12 weeks, Basketbawful has stated that "no true blame can fall on Kobe's shoulders." I, Evil Ted, could not disagree more. The saddest part (or most hilarious part, depending on your point of view) about Bynum's injury is that it occurred only because Kobe Bryant was engaged in the nefarious and pathetic practice of "flopping" (a.k.a. "Ginobili'" ing someone).



This is not guesswork. The facts speak for themselves:

1.) Watch the Memphis defenders in the clip. None of them move in a way that would cause Bryant to fall (no foul is even called and play continues, thereby confirming that not only was Kobe flopping, it wasn't even a good enough flop to hook the normally easily-snookered NBA refs).

2.) Watch Bynum before the injury. He makes no attempt to get out of the way of Kobe's tumbling body. Why? Because Bynum's brain is telling him there's no reason for Kobe to be falling to the floor. If you've ever played basketball with a spaz, or someone who doesn't play the game, or worse yet, a spaz who doesn't play the game, they often flail around the court in unexpected ways that can get themselves and/or other players hurt. This phenomenon also occurs regularly with floppers, who often find new and interesting ways to hurt themselves and others with their needless herky-herky movement.

3.) Watch Kobe's face while Bynum writhes on the floor. Is he trying to argue that he was fouled, thereby causing the horrible injury to his teammate? Nope. He looks embarrassed by his own stupidity. He knows he's just screwed up royally, and it's written all over his face. Are Phil Jackson, Sasha Vujacic, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom or any of the Lakers arguing about a Memphis foul? Nope. They're all stunned to silence by a quintessential and historically boneheaded move - made by their own "MVP" teammate no less.

4.) In an effort to serve out penance for his sins, and as a virtual confirmation that he is so ashamed of himself that he is now wicked inspired, Kobe dropped an MSG record 61 points on the Knicks tonight. Nothing says "I'm sorry for crippling our center with my dumbness" like 61 points in a single game.

I will always be in favor of the idea that that NBA officials should review game tape and administer fines for obvious (and sometimes dangerous) flopping. In the Lakers' case, however, I will concede that losing the team's starting center for three months is penalty enough. Nice move, Kobe. I'm not a fan, but if I were, I'd be boiling right now - and 61 points against the Knicks wouldn't make the boo-boo all better.

Labels: Andrew Bynum, flop, flopping, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, MCL injury

This weekend was replete with the dormant, idle and motionless NBA masses. As such, Friday was fraught with lacktivity:

Heat-Pacers: Brandon Rush raced his way to a suck differential of +1 (turnover) in 4:10 for Indiana.

Wizards-Sixers: Oleksiy Pecherov racked up a 25-second Mario for the Generals.

Nets-Hawks: Chris Douglas-Roberts has become the Nets' favorite choice for non-contribution, giving New Jersey a +1 (foul) in 1:46. Mario "The Mario" West failed to complete his task as a venture capitalist, blowing a near-two trillion with a board, but he can count on his teammates again to provide some on-court earnings when he falters. Tonight it was Othello Hunter and his 1.2 trillion!

Clippers-Cavs: The Quicken Loans Arena was the site of two high-dollar transactions after the Clippers' first-half competitiveness with the sea creatures washed out in the final two periods. Cheikh Samb once again did his team owner Donald Sterling proud, leeching court time with a calculated 1.2 trillion. Meanwhile, Darnell Jackson assumed the role of the Crabs' lacktivity specialist with a 1.25 trillion of his own, after Tarence Kinsey appeared to hurt himself in the Thurdsay night game against Orlando and did not appear against the Team That Is Who We Thought They Were.

Bobcats-Nuggets: While one block ended a sucky run (brick and giveway) for Denver's Johan Petro in 1:58 of floor time, the French native's surrender of the ball did give him a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 after no rebounds and no points scored!

Bulls-Kings: If the Raptors are the east coast slumpbusters, the jesters in purple and white serve as one of several for the Western Conference, with Bobby Jackson providing a laughable +3 in 2:53 via two giveaways and a brick.

Little did Bobby Jackson know that 'enver wouldonly be the first taste of bawful in his career...
Saturday saw even more soporific lacktion, so let's hit the snooze button of suck:

Nets-Sixers: Just because New Jersey pulled out a close one against the Sixers doesn't mean they didn't have any minutes to give to lacktioneers, and when Chris Douglas-Roberts vandalized his one-foul statline with a field goal, two of his teammates stepped down to fill the void. Josh Boone bricked three times, took a foul, and gave the ball away for a combined +5 in 9:29 -- which ended up giving him a Voskuhl of 2:0 as well! And Eduardo Najera produced a nine-second Super Mario.

Mavs-Heat: Ryan Hollins became a video game hero with a 46 second Mario for Dallas -- looks like he handled the ball much more during a Thursday photo shoot than he did in tonight's game! On Miami's end of things, Marcus Banks burned a potential 4 trillion for with a foul, still good enough for +1 in 4:05. (Less fortunate was Joel Anthony, who took a board that neutralized his own foul.) But the most non-noteworthy appearance of the night has to be Yakhouba Diawara, who as a starter bricked from downtown for a +1 in 6:19!! With that non-performance, Diawara has all but punched his ticket into the All-Lacktion Game!

Is Yakhouba saluting Josh Howard's YouTube skills?
Lakers-Grizzlies: Marko Jaric's 51-second Mario for Memphis featured a brick. Hawks-Bucks: Acie Law took one foul for +1 in 3:07.

Hornets-Spurs: Ryan "Definitely Not Bruce" Bowen takes a page out of his namesake's playbook and puts up a 1.51 trillion for Byron Scott's team! Bruce himself -- a former trillionaire champion -- had a two-brick stint interrupted by a board and assist, but the Spurs did have Ime Udoka to pull down a 1.15 trillion. And Kurt Thomas's lack of shot attempts led to a Voskuhl of 7:2 (5 fouls + 2 giveaways against 2 rebounds) in 16:54!

Warriors-Rockets: Jermareo Davidson clearly is a true believer in Nellieball as he avoided contributing in his own half-court during a 38 second Mario. Jazz-Blazers: While Kyrylo Fesenko made a shot and took a board that ended a run of lacktivity in 7:10, he still accrued some measurable mediocrity for Utah in the form of a Voskuhl of 5:3 (4 fouls and a giveaway against the above two points and board).


And on the seventh day, He did not rest...from lacktion.

Celtics-Wolves: In 4:09, Patrick O'Bryant quietly racked up a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:1 (one foul and one turnover against one rebound).

Magic-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl and Nathan Jawai made concurrent late-fourth quarter appearances to try to rack up some lacktivity this afternoon, and both brought home different forms of fail. Jawai built a possible case for Lacktion Rookie of the Year with a +1 (turnover) in 2:57; in the same amount of time, Voskuhl did get a rebound to negate a brick -- but then racked up two quick fouls in the last 45 seconds of the game to attain his namesake stat, a 2:1 (2 fouls against 1 rebound and no points) Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Nathan, I know you're new to the NBA and all, butclapping when you're scored against in the paintisn't good sportsmanship, it's just bawful.

An addendum -- apparently I also missed some lacktivity from LAST Sunday (January 26th) as Jawai racked up a +3 in 1:49 against Suckramento with an airball (on his first ever attempt at an NBA shot), rejection, and foul! THIS means...yeah, he is a clear favorite for top lacktion rookie with three straight (though not consecutive for the team) non-contributing appearances to start his tenure in the Association -- a streak now of 5:27 without a single positive statistic!

Cavs-Pistons: With the Crabs positively overwhelming Auburn Hills's aged athletes in the fourth, the Pistons were left to bring out two lacktion specialists to sop up court time. Will "The Other" Bynum lived up to recent potential with a 41 second Mario. Jason Maxiell used Super Bowl Sunday as his on-court "rest day" in the wake of taking that flagrant in his last game, and resisted the lures of the free throw line with two bricks! This refusal of charity added to a 4:34 that also included a missed field goal, a rejection, and two fouls for a robust suck differential of +6.

Thunder-Kings: In a highly unanticipated battle at Arco Arena, Oklahoma City (plenty of offense this afternoon!) and Suckramento each fought hard in overtime for a 38th loss, which the Thunder achieved. Thunder reservist Chris Wilcox, through 4:28 of lacktivity, gave himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:1 with three fouls against one rebound (and no shot attempts).

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: guest author, lacktion report