It's not easy, coaching the Thunder...
The Toronto Craptors: The Mighty (Awful) Dinos probably penciled in a "W" on their schedule when they realized the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit was limping into town. Which had to be hard, what with those three little finger-claw things. But anyway: Psyche! Andrew Bogut returned! So, naturally, even though Toronto could have made up some ground in the epic tickle-fight for the last playoff spot in the East, they failed. At home. After scoring 30 points in the first quarter, the Craptors managed only 55 points the rest of the way to lose by double-figures and slip uncomfortably into that next-to-last in the conference slot.

Bonus stats: Toronto scored only 12 points on 5-for-20 shooting in the third quarter. Even the Associated Press called that "dreadful." And as if to add stinging insult to bitter injury, Jose Calderon missed his first free throw of the season -- after hitting 84 straight -- with 3:32 left in the fourth.

Kendrick Perkins: Beast got the bronze boot during the fourth quarter of the Celtics-Pistons game for fouling Jason Maxiell. To the floor. By the neck.


Said Perkins: "I didn't want to give up a layup, so I was trying to foul him hard across the arms, but he ducked his head and I got him on the neck. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I don't do that." Do I believe Kendrick wasn't trying to hurt Maxiell? Yes. Do I buy that whole "he ducked his head" thing? Sure. And I also rode into work on my purple unicorn, Sabra. Wave your horn at our readers, Sabra!

Now, I'm a fan of physical play and hard fouls, but Perk stuck his big toe over a line. To that point, Maxiell had been very active, especially on the offensive glass, so Perkins' takedown struck me as a frustration foul. (Speaking as a pickup players, you always want to hit the hustle guy. Always.) But not only was it dangerous to Maxiell physically, it was perilous to Boston as a team. At the time of the foul/ejection, they were up by only 5 points on the road and there were still almost six minutes left in the fourth. That kind of play runs the risk of inciting the home team to a big win. Fortunately for the Celtics, it didn't. Thanks to...

The Detroit Pistons: The Celtics played a good game, but they hardly went all out. It was a simple matter of focus and execution, which is how superior teams typically beat the inferior ones. And Detroit is now, without question, an inferior team (regardless of Doc Rivers belief that "They’ll be as dangerous as anybody in the playoffs.") Simply put, the Pistons aren't a member of the Eastern Conference Elite any more. They just aren't. And, with all due respect to Mark Jackson, time (to further integrate Allen Iverson into the mix) isn't going to change that. As a side note, Rasheed Wallace, Antonio McDyess and Tayshaun Prince were a combined 7-for-31 from the field.

The Miami Heat: They fell victim to Mike Dunleavy Jr.'s season-high 30 points (10-for-18 from the floor, 4-for-8 from downtown). Let that soak in for a few seconds. But understand, if you're a Miami fan, that no amount of soaking will make that pain go away. Oh, and one more thing: The Pacers were 15-for-31 from three-point range. So, you know, memo to the Miami players: Hand + Face.

Udonis Haslem: He earned two techs and an ejection...with 3:03 left in the first quarter? Seriously, Udonis? That's a little early to start getting all uppity with the refs. I would have waited until the third quarter myself. And I probably would have tried to add some humor to the situation by tripping the official with a banana peel or hitting him with a cream pie. Laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Mario Chalmers: He fouled out in 13 minutes of PT against the Pacers. I said "hand in the face," Mario, not "hand on the arm, wrist, hand, etc."

The Indiana Pacers: The Heat, missing Shawn Marion (groin!) and Haslem, were forced to give Mark Blount 23 minutes of daylight. And Blount finished with 17 points (7-for-12) and 8 rebounds. And yes, those were both season-highs. If Indiana wants to make the postseason, they should move "shutting down seven-foot stiffs like Mark Blount" to the top of their to-do list.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Being the worst team in a league that includes the Clippers, Kings and Thunder has to hurt. Like a random bodily orifice filled with rusty nails. The Generals fell behind early at Philadelphia and trailed 32-17 after one quarter. They actually managed to rally and take brief lead in the third, but giving up a season-high 20 points to Willie Green worked against their cause. Said Wizards interim coach Ed Tapscott "You have nothing left in the tank because you have to struggle back from so many points down. If we take the first quarter out, we win by five." Ah, if only teams could just erase all of their bad quarters, wouldn't the world be like one big Smurf Village? La la la la la la, la la la la la!

The Los Angeles Clippers: Oh. Hey. Look. They lost to the Cavs in Cleveland. Shock. Surprise. Right now, I'm slapping the side of my face the way the French knight did in The Holy Grail when King Arthur and his men were building that giant wooden rabbit in the woods outside the Frenchie's castle. Okay, enough with the geeky sarcasm. Here's what Clippers coach/jailer Mike Dunleavy Sr. had to say about the loss: "We were a little unfortunate to catch them on a night they got Ilgauskas back. He certainly paid the rent tonight. His ability to make shots from the outside stretches your big guys out. He's got really good range and gives them something they’ve been missing." Riiiiight. It was all Ilgauskas coming back. Memo to everyone: If Dunleavy offers you a great real estate deal on swamp land, say NO.

The New Jersey Nets: The Atlanta Hawks have been having a rough month. Going into last night's game, they were only 5-9 in January. During that stretch, Joe Johnson had been averaging 16.8 points on 35 percent shooting. But, not surprisingly, the Nets were the cure for whatever's been ailing the Dirty Birds. Joe Johnson hit 11 of 17 shots for his 29 points while Devin Harris and Vince Carter were teaming up to shoot 11-for-31 from the field. New Jersey is now 9-19 since Devin Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." And the Nets are currently 11th in the East, by the way. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

The Los Angeles Lakers: I'm not supposed to be impressed that they gave up 119 points to the Timberwolves, right?

Al Jefferson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Regarding the Lakers: "They're bigger than they look. Long and big."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: They shot pretty well (47 percent) but got smacked around like a bop bag by the much more physical Jazz. The 25 turnovers (which Utah turned into 25 bonus points) didn't help either. Fun fact: The Thunder are 2-22 against teams with winning records. (Of course, one of those wins was against the Jazz on January 14th...)

The Charlotte Bobcats: Since that rousing double-overtime victory over the Lakers in L.A., the 'Cats have dropped games in Portland (by 14) and Denver (by 11). I'm not saying the Lakers game was a fluke...actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying. I'd blame the turnovers (18 for 23 points going the other way), but the Nuggets bumbled the ball away 17 times themselves, giving 19 of those points right back. No, it was probably the defense: Denver shot almost 55 percent. Said Bobcats coach/captain obvious Larry Brown: "We weren't as good as them." Hey! That scores a perfect 10 on the Dull-Negrometer!


The New Orleans Hornets: David West was back! Sadly, it didn't matter: The Hornets still lost at home to the not-very-good-at-all Warriors. Despite New Orleans' determination to slow the game down to an achingly boring crawl, the Nellie Ballers pushed the tempo whenever they could and finished with 14 fast break points (plus some fouls). But the transition game wasn't the only place where the Hornets D was lacking. With Peja Standstillovic guarding Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette down the stretch, Don Nelson continued to call Magpie's number. Maggette responded by scoring 12 of his 19 points in the last 6 minutes. Said Nellie: "We didn't think [Stojakovic] could guard him and he couldn't, of course." Damn, Peja, you just got FACED. Bonus Damning stats: New Orleans shot 36 percent, committed 14 turnovers and missed 7 free throws.

Corey Maggette, delusions of above-averageness machine: "I think it's a mismatch every time, me personally. Whoever guards me I just think it's a mismatch because I'm just a person that tries to keep a person on their heels and attack them every which way. Everyone knows I'm trying to go to the basket." True. But everyone also knows you're an inefficient volume shooter who can't be trusted to hustle or play defense. Oh, and you're injury prone, too.

The Sacramento Kings: You can get some GREAT coverage of this game over at By The Horns (nudge, nudge, hint, hint). But here's what you need to know for WotW purposes: The Bulls, who have struggled against pretty much everybody and hadn't won in Sacramento since 1997, earned their most lopsided victory of the season, a 109-88 shellacking of the increasingly hapless Kings.

The Sactowners are the worst defensive team in the league -- oh, you betcha -- and the Bulls used the game as an opportunity to pad their stats. Chicago shot nearly 56 percent as a team...significantly better than their season average of 44 percent. Ben Gordon and Luol Deng both rang up 20 points. Joakim Noah had 17 (on 8-for-11 from the field), which was only a couple points off his career high. Tyrus Thomas had his second consecutive double-double (14 points, 10 boards) to go along with 3 steals and 2 blocks. Derrick Rose had a game-high 11 assists. And Cedric Simmons even had 5 points in garbage time, marking his third-best offensive output of the season!

Said Spencer Hawes: "I would say it was a terrible effort across the board. We came out and let them do what they wanted to do. I don't think there is any good we can take out of this game." Added Kings coach Kenny Natt: "We're going to have to do whatever we have to do to make this change because it's not fair to anyone -- as a team, as an organization, for the fans -- the whole bit. We all deserve a lot better so from that standpoint I was very disappointed in our effort." Awh. Sad face.


The Los Angeles Clippers: There's a new worst team in the league, everybody, and their name is the Clippers. The Other L.A. Team secured their spot at the bottom of the NBA chum bucket by succumbing to the Wizards Generals in Washington. They're now tied with the Generals in the standings (at a very sad 10-37), but Washington is up 1-0 in the season series. So, congratulations, Clippers! You still are who we thought you were! Quick stat: The Clips committed a season-high 25 turnovers...including 10 in the first quarter.

The Iniana Pacers: There's more than corn in Indiana, but there's no "D" for the Pacers, who gave up 122 points at home to the Knicks in the dreaded double-revenge game. Former Pacers player Al Harrington (30 points, 8 boards) gave former Pacers GM Donnie Walsh the greatest gift of all: A win. Okay, that's like the second-greatest gift of all. Anyway, Al said: "I wanted to win the game for him, just to put a smile on his face. Being around Donnie lets me feel super comfortable, feel like I can do anything." Donnie truly is the wind beneath Al's wings. [Insert Bette Midler music here.]

By the way, the Pacers attempted 100 shots and both teams grabbed at least 50 rebounds. So, yeah, real defensive Waterloo.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Okay, see, meltdowns like this are why I created Basketbawful. The Sixers, playing at home, were 12 up on the Nets two minutes into the fourth quarter when Vince Carter sprained his ankle and left for good. And from that point, Philly coasted in for an easy victory. But not really. What actually happened was that they went the final 10:37 without a basket (0-for-18) and finished the fourth quarter with only 8 points on 2-for-22 shooting. Brook Lopez (24 points, 17 rebounds) finished the Sixers off via a monster jam with 16.8 seconds left. As Sixers coach Tony DiLeo observed: "We went through a dry spell. We just could not score." Another perfect 10 on the Dull-Negrometer!


The Miami Heat: A lost weekend that started with a double-digit road loss to the Pacers ended with a double-digit home loss to the Dallas Mavericks. And somebody needs to put up a Missing Poster for Miami's defense. The Heat have the fifth-best field goal defense in the NBA (44.6 percent), but the Mavericks blasted them like they were bullseyeing womp rats in their T-16 back home. Dallas hit a season-high 60 percent of their field goals, and the Mavs' 111 points were the most the Heat have surrendered at home this season. Bonus history lesson: It was the Mavericks' ninth straight regular season win over the Heat, who haven't beaten Dallas since a 119-118 overtime victory on March 26, 2004. (Unless you count that whole "2006 NBA Finals thing...)

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Toothless Bears discovered that shooting 51 percent isn't quite good enough when you commit 22 turnovers and let your opponent hit almost 54 percent of their shots. The result, beyond the 115-98 home loss to the Lakers, was the Grizzlies' 12th consecutive not-win. It's their longest losing streak since they opened the 2002-03 season 0-13.

Kobe Bryant: [Insert ominous music here]. Mamba tumbled to the ground after a drive to the hoop. Unfortunately for the Lakers, Kobe had to go through Andrew Bynum's knee before his butt could reach the floor.


Obviously, it was a freaky accident, so no true blame can fall on Kobe's scaly shoulders. Still, it's an interesting karmic twist, considering that Bynum collapsed Gerald Wallace's lung on an accidental play just a few days prior. I'm just sayin'. But my distaste for the Lakers aside, let's hope Bynum is going to be okay.

The Atlanta Hawks: Hey, look, another road loss for the Hawks, this time to the Michael Redd-less Bucks. The Dirty Birds had their feathers plucked by Charlie Villanueva's 27 points, 7 boards and season-high 6 assists. Atlanta is now 9-15 on the road and only 7-10 since that eight-game home stand that had everybody frothing at the mouth about how wicked-awesome they are. Make that "were." So, uh, where's that anonymous commenter who blasted me when I predicted this was going to happen? Would you like to retract your dissenting opinion now? Because I would be more than happy to graciously accept. I'm big that way. Speaking of size...

Mike Woodson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Regarding the play of Bucks center Andrew Bogut: "He was huge. Zaza had his hands full."

The New Orleans Hornets: The Buzzing Bugs stood to close some of the gap in their divisional battle with the Spurs, and Chris Paul seemingly did his best to get 'er done by scoring a season-high 38 points on 15-for-22 shooting. But, of course, CP3 played right into Gregg Popovich's strangling hands, finishing with only 4 assists and 4 turnovers. Paul, like most great point guards, is at his most dangerous when he's creating for his teammates. Anybody remember that classic playoff game between the Suns and Mavericks when Steve Nash went off for 48 points and Phoenix lost by 10? Nash shot 20-for-28 as Dallas basically conceded his scoring opportunities but dished out a mere 5 assists. The strategy worked for the Mavericks then and it worked for the Spurs this weekend. Memo to the Hornets: When you play San Antonio's game, be prepared to lose.

Meanwhile those damn Spurs are trying to make me look the fool. They've won three straight and seven of their last eight since(ish) I dubbed them a non-contender. So, you're welcome, San Antonio fans, for the reverse stat curse.

Hilton Armstrong: Posterized. By Manu Ginobili. Way to play six feet tall, Hilton.


The Phoenix Suns: You can read more about this most improbably loss at By The Horns, but seriously...what a mess. They're called motions, people, and the Suns are going through them. And I'm officially dubbing Shaq "The Big David Copperfield" seeing as how he's making his teammates disappear. Amare Stoudemire played a game-high 43 minutes and finished with the same number of rebounds (6) as Derrick Rose and two fewer than Thabo Sefolosha (8). Steve Nash had almost as many turnovers (7) as the entire Bulls roster (8). Speaking of rosters, everybody on the Suns look like they just found out they have six weeks to live. Robert Sarver needs to fire Steve Kerr and Terry Porter immediately. I'm being completely serious. Do it quickly before the window slams shut on these guys...assuming it hasn't already.

The Utah Jazz: Their defense must have traveled to the same alternate reality as the Heats' and Pacers'. Portland shot 56 percent from the field (43-for-77) and 50 percent from beyond the arc (10-for-20) on their way to scoring 122 points. Jerry Sloan called it a "nightmare" and Deron Williams was similarly disgusted. "Bottom line, we've got to stop being so soft as a team. Teams push us around, and we don't push back. We're lying down and letting them walk all over us." Yeah, I'd say that's an unhappy player. But hey, it's not all bad: Carlos Boozer has joined the Overstock.com team!

Eddy Curry: You'd think the news that his ex-girlfriend and infant daughter were brutally murdered -- which came after his banishment by Mike D'Antoni and a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by a former male employee -- would be hitting rock bottom for E-House, but you'd be wrong. Turns out Eddy has mismanaged his finances so badly that he had to ask the Knicks for an $8 million advance. Which they refused to give. According to Basketball-Reference.com, Curry has already made close to $40 million in salary through 2007-08. So I guess Patrick Ewing was right: Basketball players might make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money.


The Detroit Pistons: You know how way up there I mentioned that the Pistons aren't a member of the Eastern Conference Elite any more? It's still true. I mean, losing to the Craboliers isn't all that damning on paper, unless of course that paper reveals that Cleveland's game-deciding 15-2 run happened when LeBron was sucking Gatorade on the sideline. And the fact that they dropped a banner for Kid Rock this weekend makes me want to drink until I can't feel feelings anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go do a shot or 10 of Maker's Mark...

The Toronto Craptors: The Dinos edged further toward extinction by losing their second straight home game this weekend in a terrible 113-90 loss to the Magic. Chris Bosh, who normally chews the Magic up with his razor-sharp Raptor teeth was instead gobbled up by Orlando's defensive tar pit: Bosh shot 4-for-11 and committed a game-high 4 turnovers. It's a sad day for a team when Joey Graham (14 points, 12 rebounds, 2 steals and a block) looks two or three times better than their franchise player.

The Boston Celtics' interior defense: Kevin Garnett missed the game with a case of what I'm calling "Formerteam-itis." Seriously, isn't it amazing how often NBA players are sick or injured when it comes time to face off against their old teams? Don't get me wrong, Doc Rivers said "He's sick. He's really bad. His fever's really high." and I believe him. But still. Anyway, without KG manning the paint, Al Jefferson blew up like can of soda somebody shook too hard before opening: 34 points on 15-for-21 shooting. Big Al also had 11 rebounds and 4 blocked shots. Let's face it, without Garnett, the Celtics are soft and gooey in the middle.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Boy, just when everybody was starting to talk about the Thunder, they drop an overtime decision to the only teams in the league that seems genuinely worse than they are. Still, it was a thrilling class of two teams determined to not play any defense whatsoever. But the Thunder failed at D just a little bit harder than the Kings, and thus earned a well-deserved defeat. It was a fitting end to Sacramento's eight-game slide into darkness.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Thursday nights are for the twin TNT games -- a chance for lacktioneers to shirk away from the bright spotlight...only they end up illuminated by the reality of a national television audience!

Magic-Cavs: With the Crabs getting baked by an Orlando offensive onslaught, Mike Brown let Jawad Williams mine the sea floor for gold, and Williams rewarded his coach by crawling his way to a 1.35 trillion. Guess that justifies his most recent 10-day contract...

And yes, Tarence Kinsey dunked. Again. (Over Dwight Howard no less!!) Any more of this and he might be playing his way off of the All-Lacktion roster!

Spurs-Suns: Jared Dudley's 5.1 trillion no doubt shone more brightly than his Phoenix teammates did, as the Spurs were able to pull away late.

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: guest author, Jared Dudley, Jawad Williams, lacktion report, Tarence Kinsey

The Cleveland Craboliers: Welcome to a special AnacondaHL edition of WotN! And what better way to crack things open than with our favorite undersea crawlers. Their efficiency in a 32-point first quarter was split in half when they scored only 32 in the second half of a 99-88 loss. That is, a loss to a plucky Magic team using an 'Antoni style seven-man rotation and one Tony Battie with 11 minutes of lacktion. Without Big Z in the lineup, Anderson Varejao stood at center in Dwight Howard's crosshairs. After licking his chops, Superman went off for 22-18, leaving Floppyjao with a team-worst +/- score of -25...and only one notable flop in the 1st quarter.

The Orlando Magic: Having sucked the meat out of their opponent's exoskeleton, up 99-74 with 5:20 remaining, the Magic decided to shift into mid-season cruise control that would make the Spurs proud. This led to a 14-0 fourth quarter run that would make even the biggest Suns fans do a double-take at the jersey colors.

LeBron James: Fresh off a triple-double, our succulent Ohioan King Crab nearly feasted on a second helping, with 28 points, 8 boards and 8 assists. However, his buttery claws were 10-for-27 from the floor and a bitter 3-for-6 on the line. Two of those missed freebies came in the third, where a steamed James was cooked for attempting a crustacea-esque maneuver after a foul call. Thankfully, TNT's Marv Albert was quick to remind the audience that it was not, in fact, a crab dribble. James's potential bucket was waived, yet was given two foul shots despite the travel.

Here's a fun transcript of the conversation between Jameer Nelson and Bob Delaney after the shot:

Delaney: "Because he walks after he catches and after the foul so he gets two shots but he can't score a basket on a walk..."

Nelson: "But you can't...but you can't score a basket on a walk so why is he shooting?"

Delaney: "Because he's fouled in the act of shooting!"

Nelson (jokingly): "I don't agree with that...!"

Delaney: "Well that's okay...we all don't agree with everything in life."

Nelson: (Walking away chuckling, holding back face of disbelief.)

Maurice Williams: Cleveland's only All-Star made some obligatory supportive-of-teammate leadership comments in favor of Mo's inclusion to the weekend in Phoenix. "He deserves it. Look at our record. Look at the way he's playing. … I'll be really disappointed because he's part of the reason we've played the way we have, and he's put up the numbers."

Aww. I'm sure everyone with 17-4-3 (cough) and low popularity deserves a spot. Anyways, with news of this snub, and the inclusion of Jameer Nelson and the $118 million Lewis to the All-Star game, the scene was ripe for a revenge game. Mo responded accordingly with 12 points on 4-for-15 shooting and a technical foul.

Man-region grabbing dunks: A belayed WotN to Nate Robinson who joins Lamar Odom in the junk dunk contest. Worst NBA trend since those single warmer arm/leg sleeves.


The Phoenix Suns: We've seen this same story for five years now. The Phoenix Suns are 11-21 against the Spurs since 2004-05, including three playoff exits. And to make matters worse, the Suns lead the league this season in TOs (16.2) while the Spurs are near last (11.6). This is like seeing a video called monkey on goat on cup on tight rope, and still being amazed at what you're seeing despite the clarity of the title.

Intermission -- Fun Shaq Fhaqs: The Suns are 8-2 this season when The Big Cactus shoots 80% or better from the line? And are 16-5 when he shoots better than 60%? And that Shaq was 3-for-5 tonight? And Phoenix was 49.4% from the field versus SA's 46.1%? And Steve Nash had 9 assists and 0 turnovers in the first half? And Nash properly submitted his revenge game, having just been snubbed as an All-Star reserve, with 16 points and 18 assists?

So pretty obviously, the Suns lost 114-104. Did I forget to mention that the Spurs were 14-0 when scoring over 100 this season? Shaqfu went 5-for-14 with 6 rebounds and Ginobili went off for 30 points. Jason Richardson's inconsistency continued with only 7 points and 5 fouls, which contributed to Ginobili's 18-for-18 FT clinic.

Hack-A-Bowen: Tied 79-79, Phoenix pulled a mini Pops and started to intentionally foul Bruce "Lee" Bowen. Having shot only 8 all year, Bowen promptly sank 6 of 8 on the game. All that was missing was the greatest goofiest thumbs up ever.

Amare STAT: Ok, so his line wasn't that bad, as usual. 28-10 on 11-for-23 shooting would be great, if it wasn't Matt freaking Bonner guarding him. A double fail to Nash, who tripped over Stoudemire on a completely generic pick and roll with 48 seconds left as one of their five fourth quarter turnovers, cementing the show like the goat walking off the tight rope via ladder.

The NBA: Where cop a feel happens.
Officiating: In addition to the plethora of confused looks on players' faces, technical fouls were called on Duncan, Nash, Shaq, and Stoudemire in effort to keep things from getting too feisty. Of course it didn't help that the Phoenix crowd was still pissed about everything that's happened in the last three years and were booing louder than I've ever heard any crowd boo on TV. The home court was promptly rewarded with a 25-to-44 free throw disparity.

Jim Beam commercial: TNT has become infamous among the NBA viewers crowd for their repetitive awful commercials. Well the major showing of tonight was this borderline NSFW Jim Beam commercial. Despite probably being the greatest commercial of 2009, there's just something unnerving about the lack of cleverness, her voice, her appearance, and the number of Lakers fans making comments on the video. Well, at least it's better than Kira Sedgewzczbiak's mug in my face. Needless to say, I will now purchase a bottle and drink it for 1.5 years, complaining to my imaginary too-perfect girlfriend about how bad the Suns are and remembering the good old days. And she won't care if I go to a strip club afterwards.

Update! TNT: Basketbawful here making one small addition to AnacondaHL's fantastic post. Received this email from Nick A.: "Saw this on the TNT Web site, thought of your blog. Notice that Game 2 is listed as the 'Sours @ Suns.' It seems inappropriate: Given Phoenix's play this season, shouldn't they be the 'Sours'? Maybe Chuck has been relegated to the web team."


Kobe Bryant: Mamba hacked Luke Walton's iPhone to sporadically activate iFart. He charged Luke's account to pay for the app. And then ate a puppy.

About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson, name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, guest author, Lebron James, man-region grabbing dunks, Mo Williams, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Editor's note: Dr. Basketbawfulstein has, apparently, created a lacktion monster. That is all.

Raptors-Nets: Roko Ukic gave the dinos +2 via foul and giveaway in 3:16, while Jake Voskuhl did not score his namesake stat, matching a foul with a rebound. He did rack up another eponymous form of lacktion, a 41-second Mario!

Devin Harris experiences Jake Voskuhl's "Put yourhands in the air if you just don't care" efense,which happily obliges him to the paint.
Pacers-Bucks: Roy Hibbert got himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl, with 1 foul and 1 giveaway against 1 board in just a minute of playing time (2:1 ratio).

Hawks-Knicks: Acie Law is a sure bet for lacktivity, providing the Hawks a +1 in 5:53 after missing from behind the arc. THE Mario West was productive in earning yet another of his namesake Marios, actually scoring on one shot and making a steal in a mere 53 seconds.

Kings-Celtics: You know that the announcers have given up on the court jesters when they spend two minutes late in the fourth quarter telling prattle tales about...former Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr. Yes. NBA announcers talking hockey -- vintage hockey at that! -- with the Comcast Sports California cameramen focusing on Orr's retired number in the rafters of TDBanknorth Garden. Ouch. Wow, then the Kings graphics identified Jerry Reynolds with the caption "Happy Early Birthday." When you can press the "L" button in the on-screen stats before you even get to the next road game -- four in a row on this terrible roadtrip -- I can see the production folks having nothing better to do than to play around. Production prattle tales too, I guess.

Suckramento received a couple of great non-performances in Boston tonight, Donte Greene's four trillion and Shelden Williams's +2 via brick and a giveaway in 3:06. The home team sent out a human victory cigar in a dark horse All-Lacktion candidate, Patrick O'Bryant, who missed two shots and took a foul for +3 in 4:02.

Note to Mr. Williams...attempting to high-five EddieHouse's wrist is NOT the same as hand-in-the-face.
In the House Party Live postgame show, the studio folks (Jim Kozimor and Christiensen) reminded us that the Celtics were able to rack a full 30 assists on the Sacramento efense. Stunning. Coach Kenny Natt at the press conference: "We had a really down [second] quarter, gave up 40 points." Understatement much? "I'll keep pressing these guys for consistency and 48 minute effort." I think this turnip's been pressed so much that there's nothing left to drain, other than the potential of a second dead coach bounce.

Natt then blamed the loss on a "lack of execution" and missing defensive intensity. Well, they showed plenty of efensive intensity, the type of mediocre play that can seperate you from "hoping to be first round fodder as an 8 seed" to "lottery," so the Kings have that going for them at least. Apparently the Kings are considering keeping their "options open" for the incumbent coach; those options probably include "forced resignation" and "sudden termination" and not much else. Co-host Kozimornow laid some smack down on House Party Live: "I think the Bulls are the Kings...I think Larry Hughes is John Salmons." Wow, damning someone with anti-praise there. (And Hughes is much more prone to the DNP-CD, due to his trade demands, than the former trillionaire titlist.) Why do I think the Friday tilt between these two terrible teams is anything but Must-See TV?

Grizzlies-Thunder: Does Greg Buckner read Basketbawful? Someone must've alerted him to his latest lapses away from lacktion, as he responded with a 1.1 trillion return to form tonight at the Ford Center.

Here's a special note for the baby cubs as a whole, who were outscored 14-2 in OT by Klahma. Ouch! Quite the ffensive effort, especially in light of the Thunder playing solid late-game efense in giving up a 12-point lead in the fourth. The Grizzlies did take an early 102-100 lead in the extra session, only to forget what the point of basketball is -- which, of course, is to score the most points on the night. OJ Mayo even marked his selection to the Rookie-Soph Challenge game at All-Star weekend by taking an overtime rejection from Kevin Durant. (With Durant's double-double, can we say that his transition from "Bill Simmons Underrated" to "Paul Millsap Level" is inevitable?)

Nuggets-Hornets: Denver's Johan Petro bricked once for a Madsen-level Voskuhl, taking 1 foul and 1 turnover against no points or rebounds (2:0 ratio) in three minutes.

Pistons-Wolves: With Brian Cardinal successful at the charity stripe, Kevin McFail had to rely on someone else to provide his team's usual share of lacktivity, and he found a potential black hole of brilliance amongst the conscripts: Rodney Carney. Carney was on the floor for 12:25 and pulled out a +5 with two bricks (one from downtown), a turnover, and two fouls!

Sixers-Rockets: Theo Ratliff gave Philly a 1.3 trillion fortune, which will no doubt create as much cap space as his old Expiring Contract once did. And Knee-Mac failed in the clutch, watching his desperation three get redirected as time expired.

Warriors-Mavs: UGH. Entering the third, Anthony Morrow had a two brick performance going in 10 minutes. Then I mentioned it to a friend while talking online...and whaddya know, I stat-cursed him into making a shot. So Rob Kurz tried to bring Don Nelson's team of unrelated puzzle pieces some lacktion of his own...only to ruin three bricks and three fouls with a board, the same ailment that also interrupted a potential acquisition of wealth by Jermareo Davidson. Yeah, Nellie Ball failed on both legitimate contribution and lacktivity tonight, as Jason Kidd's 9 assists proved.

One of the ESPN commentators just called Brandon Bass a "Paul Millsap kind of guy." Guess Millsap has offically stopped being underrated, and somewhere in the distance, Carlos Boozer is preparing for a bank run knowing his next contract just got devalued even further. Immediately after that, another of the booth guys randomly told a prattle tale about odd sports names that are hard to spell, asking his partner if he could spell [John] Buccigross and [Ben] Roethlisberger off the top of his head.

Blazers-Bobcats: With Charlotte getting terribly outclassed early on, the human victory cigars got to taste court time sooner than expected, with Channing Frye making it two games of lacktion in a row with +1 (foul) in 2:06, and Shavlik Randolph just missing out on a trillion with a 58-second Mario.

Bulls-Clippers: You know you are who we thought you were when your team gets punished with a 20-point loss to the lackluster heifers, at YOUR own "home" arena (which is akin to saying that the Sacramento Monarchs are "home" at Arco). And Mike Dunleavy Sr. and the team he assembled in Los Angeles really are who we thought they were. To celebrate, Vinny Del Negro opened up the cigar case and got Cedric Simmons some court time, 2:28 to be exact, which netted him a +1 via foul. (Even if the few self-aware Clippers fans in the audience could see Simmons walking out there as a sign to dash to the parking lot, they'd still find themselves stalled out along the Harbor Freeway at some point.)

Amd while Steve Novak did not rack up lacktion like he is capable of doing, he DID miss seven attempts from downtown (out of a total of 20 team three-point attempts!), before pocketing two points within the arc. I wonder if at some point he and Dunleavy must've figured out, "This can't be working, let's try something else" -- nah. It's the Clippers we're talking about after all.

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: guest author, lacktion report

The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit: Let me put this mathemologically: [The Milwaukee Bucks - (Michael Redd + Andrew Bogut)] < [The Indiana Pacers - Danny Granger]. Particularly when T.J. Ford is allowed to match his career-high with 34 points by a Bucks defense that even the Associated Press described as "standstill." And Milwaukee's handicapped defense managed only 99 points against a Pacers team that (as noted as recently as yesterday) surrenders more points than anybody other than the defenseless Kings and Warriors. In fact, this game represented only the fifth time since December 15th -- a span of 23 games -- that Indy held a foe below 100 points.

Kelvin Sampson: Bucks assistant Kelvin Sampson used to coach the Indiana University men's basketball team. I say "used to" because he was fired after the NCAA busted him for the heinous and unforgiveable crime of making more than 100 impermissible phone calls. That's what I like to call...justice. Anyway, it was Sampson's first trip to Indiana since his infamous ousting, and the Pacers fans let him have it. Some of the attendees yelled "Kelvin, can you hear me now?" and Boomer, the Pacers mascot, walked behind the Bucks bench with a large, fake cell phone during a first-half timeout. It just goes to show: Hoosiers may forget, but they never forgive.

Sacramento Kings: One night after giving up 119 points and a career-high 43 points to Mo Williams in Cleveland, the Kings surrendered 117 points and a career-high 8 three-pointers to Eddie House in Boston. That's what we call "defensive fail" around these parts. House finished with a season-high 28 points and the Celtics hit 55 percent of their shots (despite the fact that Paul Pierce was 1-for-5 and Kendrick Perkins was zero-for-zero). Boston's bench scored 61 points on 21-for-33 from the field. Said Kings detainee Jason Thompson: "You're not going to win ballgames like that. You know, we can't let guys like Eddie come into the game and have a spark, have a night like that." Ouch. That's kinda rough on Eddie. But true.

Bonus facts: Sacramento has lost seven straight games, are 1-17 in their last 18 road outings, and last night fell to 0-20 against the East...making them the only team in the NBA that has been blanked by an entire conference.

The Boston Celtics: Apparently, the C's got the same "defense optional" memo that the Craboliers received before their game against the Kings. Boston fell into an early 10-point hole as the Sactowners put up 30 first-quarter points. The Celtics did deliver a little bit of a defensive knockout in the second quarter -- during which they outscored the Kings 40-19 -- but there D took it a little easy for the rest of the game (Sacramento scored 29 in the third and 22 during 12 garbage time minutes in the fourth).

Paul Pierce: So...the best player in the world, huh? Pierce finished with 8 points on 1-for-5 shooting. In the first quarter, he committed three personal fouls and got T'd up to boot. He did have 8 assists on the night, but still.

The Washington Generals: Another night, another blowout loss for the worst-in-the-league Generals. Dwyane Wade nearly had a no-sweat triple double (14 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists) in only 29 minutes and Miami won by 22 despite shooting only 39 percent from the field. It helped that Washington shot 37 percent themselves in addition to committing 18 turnovers. The Heat Pine Riders outscored the Generals' bench jockeys 50-14, and Miami won the points-off-turnovers battle 26-2. Believe it or not, Washington stayed competitive for 24 minutes, even maintaining a lead for most of the first half. Then the Heat went on a 21-6 third-quarter run and it was all over but the crying. Said Antawn Jamison: "It's the same story for us. We do a pretty good job and we go through one stretch...that takes the air out of us."

The New Jersey Nets: Hey. Look. The Nets lost another game at home. What. A. Surprise. But this game gave me a little extra jolly, since it was against Vinsane's old team, the Raptors. I do likes me a revenge game. New Jersey's defense won't be winning any awards (unless the award has "suck" or "poop" in the title): The Raptors shot nearly 56 percent from the field and 50 percent (11-for-22) from beyond that arcy line. The Nets are now 9-15 at home and, better yet, only 9-18 since December 9th. That's when Devin Harris stat-cursed his squad by saying "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." Speaking of Devin, he clanked a wide-open 16-foot jumper at the buzzer that would have won the game, which led to...

Devin Harris, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes sent in the following Harris blurb: "That's my go-to move, I couldn’t ask for anything more. You get that shot nine times out of 10, and I hit that shot like 98.6 percent of the time." Added Mr. Flakes: "Okay, he must have some problems in his arithmetic." What?! Oh, come on, Flakes. Devin is a master of [thumb snap] numberology! (Okay, does ANYBODY get my Boondock Saints references? And no, BadDave, you don't count.) This quote makes me wish I had a picture of Devin hiding his face...hey! Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever -- A Toronto Raptors Blog I do!

Them's some mad math skillz, Devin.
The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds had their wings clipped by wee-tiny Nate Robinson's 20-point fourth-quarter thunderbolt. So, uh, yeah.


Atlanta's foul shooting, however, was the biggest culprit in the loss. The Hawks -- who entered the game ranked 26th in the league in free throw percentage (74.3) -- missed 15 freebies (17-for-32). Josh Smith, who connects from the charity stripe at a 63 percent clip, blew two in a row early in the fourth quarter (costing his team the chance to pull to within 2 points) and finished 2-for-10 from the line. Hawks coach Mike Woodson griped: "You got to step up and make free throws. You can't play a close game like this and miss 15 free throws. I mean, that puts you behind the eight ball." Bonus fact: The Hawks are now 6-9 since that eight-game homestand that made everybody immediately overrate them. (So, you know, I toldja so.)

The Denver Nuggets: So the Hornets were without David West, lost Mo Pete in the first half (sprained left foot), and Chris Paul was very not good (3-for-12 shooting and a game-high 5 turnovers). And yet the Nuggets STILL lost by 13 in New Orleans? Yup. It might have helped if they'd gotten a few digits in Peja Stojakovic's shot pocket -- Peja scored a game-high 26 points on 10-for-14 shooting -- but they guy who really murderized Denver was Devin Brown: D-Bo stepped in for Peterson and went 6-for-7 en route to 18 huge points. And, oh yeah, there was also the little matter of those 19 turnovers (for 20 points going the other way). Said Kenyon Martin: "We were throwing the ball all over the place. We've got to get it under control." Imagine: Mr. Neck Lips trying to get something under control.

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Bad News Bears seem intent on being part of the three-team potato suck race with the Kings and Generals. And I have evidence. Exhibit A: The 11-34 record (fifth-worst in the league!). Exhibit B: Their current league-high 11-game losing streak. Exhibit C: Last night's overtime loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder. (Yes! The Thunder finally earned their O's back!) Apparently, the Men from Memphis believe that "defense" is simply "waiting to get back on offense," since the Thunder connected on 51 percent of their field goals and 61 percent of their threes. Oklahoma City finished the game on a 14-0 run that, in many ways, perfectly symbolized the pitiful futility that is the Grizzlies' season.

And get this, people: The Thunder have a .500+ record since New Year's Eve. They leapfrogged the Generals earlier this week to escape "Worst Record In The NBA" status. Even more amazingly, the Kings' loss at Boston and the Clippers' loss at home to the Bulls (see below) mean that the Thunder no longer have the worst record in the Western Conference!

The Houston Rockets: Wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Tracy McGrady? Check. Ron Artest? Check. Yao Ming? Check. Playing at home? Check. Seems like Houston's stage was set for an important victory. Too bad Philly didn't read the script. The Rockets were held to 41 percent shooting and got beaten on the boards (48-40) as the 76ers bolted back from a 14-point deficit to win 95-93 thanks to Andre Iguodala's baseline jumper with 36 seconds left. Knee-Mac, who shot 8-for-20 and had his last-second three-point attempt partially blocked by Samuel Dalembert, said: "I really don't have an answer. We just got to keep on grinding, keep digging and find an answer for it. We've got to be better, a lot better." The Rockets have now lost three of four.

Yao Ming: There were the game-high 5 turnovers. And the two of his shots that got stuffed. And then, there was this...


No, that's okay, Yao. Don't bother jumping on your team's account. (Thanks to Wira for the video link.)

The Golen State Warriors: Defense. It's not just something Hubie Brown talks about during NBA broadcasts. But don't tell that to the Warriors. It might break their offensive-minded hearts. The Oakland Suck Raiders provided little (read that: no) resistance as the Mavericks gunned their way to 117 points and a 53-38 edge on the boards. Meanwhile, the Warriors were held to 38 percent shooting by the suddenly resurrected Dallas D. Said Nellie (as he was no doubt contemplating a post-game beer): "I was disappointed with our play, but so be it." Now that sounds like a man with some strong feelings. Just not about his team.

Got a funny email from Basketbawful reader Callum regarding this game: "It must be noted that in the horrific rout of Golden State by Dallas, the only player to register a positive +/- was the inspirational Rob Kurz, who during his epic seven minutes on the court saw the team reach heights not seen the entire game. It must have been his three missed shots, his three fouls and his telling defensive rebound that lead to the +1." Memo to Don Nelson: ROB KURZ NEEDS MORE MINUTES.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Considering that, one night earlier, they beat the Lakers in L.A. in double-overtime while also losing Gerald Wallace to a partially collapsed lung, losing to the Trail Blazers in Portland isn't too shaming. But, hey, I'm not about cutting people breaks. The 'Cats fell behind 32-18 after one quarter and never got back to within single digits. Said Raja Bell: "As hard as we tried that first quarter, it just wasn't clicking. Our bodies weren't ready to go. It took us a while to warm up, and they exploited that." Catsploitation. It's just wrong.

Update! Adam Morrison: I got this late-breaking email from Juan P.: "I thought for sure someone would be all over getting this quote to you from last night's Bobcats-Blazers game. The Portland CSN broadcasters are your typical local hucksters, but this drunken/senile/corpse guy Mike Rice uncorked a low-key yet devasting insult late in the first quarter:

Mike Barrett: 'That's Adam Morrison's second foul and he'll be headed to the bench.'

Mike Rice: 'And that's bad news for the Blazers. If you're a Blazer, you want Adam Morrison out there on the court.'

"The NBA ain't Gonzaga. There was a minor uproar in Portland when the Blazers chose LaMarcus Aldridge over Pasty Stache. I think that was during the height of the ironic mustache fad in Cooltown. The consolation prize from a NW college that year was Brandon Roy." Not a bad consolation prize. Kinda sad for Adam, though.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Go to By The Horns for full coverage. No, seriously, go over there and pump up my page counts. Leave comments. Please. I'm begging you. Ha, ha, just kidding. But really, do it. Anyway, the Clips got Baron Davis and Marcus Camby back from injury. Know what that changed? Absolutely nothing. B-Diddy went 1-for-10 and The Camby Man was outscored 9-6 by Aaron Gray. Yeah. And despite the psychological advantage of getting two of their best players back from injury and the fact that they were playing a slumping team -- the Bulls had lost five in a row and are 6-13 in their last 19 games -- they still lost by 20 at home. That'll happen when you consider defense to be something reserved for other sports, like football and backgammon.

The game was actually competitive in the first half, but L.A.'s Other Team got outscored 26-9 in the third. Said Clippers non-coach Mike Dunleavy: "This wasn't one of those good efforts. I was really disappointed. We came out and laid an egg in the third quarter." Uh huh. Look, you might be tired of hearing this, but facts are facts: They are who we thought they were.

Texas Department of Transportation: TDoT became the unwitting victims of what has officially become My Favorite Prank of 2009: Chris Lippincott, director of media relations for the Lone Star State's Department of Transportation, confirmed that one or more enterprising pranksters hacked into a portable traffic sign at Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street, near the University of Texas at Austin, during the early hours of January 19. The new message? Zombies Ahead. Seriously.

Ha, ha! Just kidding! There aren't any"zombies" ahead. As far as you know...
Hopefully this incident really was a prank and not some sort of government cover up. Because if a World War Z-style zombie apocalypse is going to happen, I'd really like to have some time to fill my basement with shotguns and bottle water. Oh, and I'll need to kidnap Gwen Stefani. (Thanks to longtime buddy Big Bad Carter for the head's up.)

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba dumped a bottle of ammonia in Luke Walton's fish tank. Then, at practice the next day, he made sure that Luke overheard him talking about "some dumbass who couldn't even keep his fish alive."

Labels: fan submissions, Worst of the Night, zombies

Kings-Cavs: Surprising name not on the list tonight, as Tarence Kinsey made four of six shots and is firmly in a lacktion slump! So two of his teammates -- the usually solid Wally Szczerbiak and bench presence Darnell Jackson -- decided to bail their fellow crustacean out. Wally World clearly was not in his element in this role and his natural tendency for contribution unfortunately shone through, ruining three bricks and a giveaway with one made free throw. Jackson however came through in the non-clutch with +1 (missed shot) in 4:04!

King Crab is in shock as Tarence Kinsey painfullylistens to the dark side and puts down a DUNK!
Oh, and Kinsey is starting to get notable enough to have an entire article dedicated to him -- which mentions his appearance in all four games of the recent West Coast swing. (What that story doesn't tell you, of course, is that three of the four games in his epic streak of lacktivity occurred on that trip!)

Another previous lacktion achiever who avoided a successfuly unspectacular run was Bobby Jackson, who gave the jesters a laughable assist during a sleepy sixteen and a half minutes to negate twin droppings of downtown masonry.

Update! Watch this amazing putback by LeBron:


Since Wally World's brick turned into King Crab's monster slam, I guess we can actually award him a KOBE BRYANT ASSIST!

Nuggets-Grizzlies: In easily handling the baby cubs, who have shown that no amount of Generalissimo Franco holding the clipboard can create a bounce for this lackluster squad, the Nuggets brought out two human victory cigars to alert the few Memphis fans in attendance to walk slowly to their cars and beat the traffic on Interstate 40. Renaldo Balkman put up a +3 (two fouls and a turnover) in 3:30, and Sonny Weems provided a +1 in 2:19 via one turnover.

Marc Gasol earned the average bears a Voskuhl by spending 19:50 unleashing 4 fouls against 5 bricks and 2 rebounds! His compatriot Greg Buckner is another big-time lacktioneer currently shying away from coldness, ruining a foul in two minutes through one rebound.

Marc Gasol's "armpit hair" efense doesn't counttoward the Voskuhl, but poetically represents it well.
Spurs-Jazz: One brick gave San Antoni's Ime Udoka a +1 in 8:53. Brevin Knight's 4.15 trillion made up for some unworthy missed chances from his Jazz teammates, as Kyrylo Fesenko wasted a triple-brick performance (including two unmade charity stripe shots) in two and a half minutes with a board, the same obstacle that stopped a 43-second Mario attempt by Kosta Koufos. [Editor's note: Marios are not canceled out by meaningful stats; only trillions. ~Basketbawful]

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: guest author, lacktion report

Thanks to Josh S. for today's pic.

Patrick O'Bryant: Seems that Patty 'O thumped Brian Scalabrine in the noggin during practice on Tuesday and gave Scal a concussion. It was Veal's second concussion in three days (the first was suffered during the Celtics' thrashing of the Mavericks on Sunday). And it looks like Brian will be out indefinitely.

Said Ray Allen: "It just looked like he got hit in the head. I know he got hit last game in the head. He went down and just stayed down and looked disoriented." Added Doc Rivers: "He got hit in the head and he just had a mild concussion. I don't know if he was out but he was close. He'll be out probably for quite some time because of that, would be my guess, for quite some time."

I'm tempted to laugh this injury off -- I mean, we're talking about Brian Scalabrine here -- but, for whatever reason, Scal has actually seemed to play a big part in Boston's recovery from that 2-9 stretch...even if his numbers might not have shown it. This might be a bigger blow to the C's than it looks like on paper.

The Indiana Pacers: Let's see: 111 points, 50 percent shooting, 21 assists...the raw numbers are enough to make you think the Pacers had a pretty good night. But those stats are damn, dirty liars. Shame on them.

Now, mind you, the Pacers came into last night's game having lost nine of 14 games that have been decided by 3 points or less. But they made sure that whole "close loss" thing wouldn't be a problem against the Magic, since they were down 18 after one quarter and the rest of the game was played only because there's no mercy rule in the NBA.

The Pacers ended up surrendering 135 points on 55 percent shooting. They also got pounded on the boards 50-29. Oh, and Mickael Pietrus, who missed the Magic's last 12 games with a broken wrist, came back and played like an All-Star off the bench (27 points, 8-for-13, 10 rebounds, 4 assists). Yeah...that kind of stuff will happen when you're the league's 28th ranked defensive unit. (Only the Kings and Warriors spread their legs wider to give up more points.)

Danny Granger, hyperbole machine: Regarding the Magic: "They are the best team in the East. Two words -- Dwight Howard -- explain it. He is the most dominant player since Shaquille O'Neal -- hands down." I know that blowouts can sometimes scramble a player's brain, so I'll give Danny a mulligan on that statement. Because unless I'm misremembering, the Celtics went into Orlando last week and dealt with the Magic pretty handily. As for the Dwight-Shaq comparison, I'll assume he means "frontcourt player" and not just "player" and leave it at that.

The Sacramento Kings: It's a sad statement when losing by only 7 points to the Craboliers is a major moral victory for a team. But then, the Kings have lost sixth straight games, dropping to 10-36 on the season and 0-19 against Eastern Conference opponents. Hell, when the Kings finish within 20 points of anybody, that game should fall into the "Losses That Aren't As Bad As Others" column I'm lobbying to have added to the NBA season standings.

As an aside, Sacramento's defense rolled over like a cockroach somebody just doused with Raid and several industrial strength kitchen cleaners, giving up a career-high 43 points with 11 assists to Mo Williams and a way-too-casual triple-double (23 points, 15 rebounds, 11 assists) to LeBron James.

The Cleveland Craboliers: The Crabs seemed to sense they could come out and crush the Kings with little more than a halfhearted effort. And they were right...which is probably why they decided to sleepwalk through their defensive assignments. The Kings, who usually put up 99 PPG on 44 percent shooting, were playing in Cleveland against a Crabs squad that's giving up a league-best 90 PPG on 42 percent shooting. So why did Sacramento finish with 110 on 50 percent shooting? I think we all know the answer to that one. Mostly 'cause I gave it in the second sentence of this paragraph.

Meaningless stats: This is what the AP recap had to say about the Mo-LeBron tag-team effort against the Kings: "It was the first time two teammates have recorded at least 23 points, 11 assists and eight rebounds in the same NBA game since Cleveland’s Butch Beard and John Johnson on Dec. 23, 1971, at Atlanta." Not sure what that tells us, but it's sort of interesting. By the way, "Butch Beard" and "John Johnson" are now my two most favorite names ever.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Still no dead coach bounce in Memphis, where the Grizzlies got blown out last night by the visiting Nuggets despite forcing Denver into a season-high 27 turnovers. It was the Grizzlies' 10th straight loss and 18th in their last 20 games. Said new coach/warden Lionel Hollins: "I can't speak for anything before I got here. But what it looks like to me is the guys aren't in good shape and, as soon as there is a little bit of adversity, we tend to start going our own way and doing our own thing. We have to develop some discipline to stay with what we are doing and play together." Wow. Way to throw both the previous coaching staff AND your players under the bus, Lionel. That should get you inside the circle of trust really quickly.

Oh, and in case you're at all interested in numbers, the Griz scored only 85 points on 37 percent shooting and, like the Nuggets, had a season-high in turnovers with 26.

Bob Delaney: You can file this one under "Joey Crawford Specials." While he was plopped down on the bench in the final minute of the first quarter, Chauncey Billups waved a towel at official Michael Smith after Nuggets center Chris Andersen was called for charging. And he got T'd up for it. Said Mr. Big Shot: "I thought it was a horrible call, and I just waved a towel and said, 'It's terrible,' to the ref way down there. Bob (Delaney) from over there somewhere called a technical."

Here's my theory on cheap T's: The refs get jaw music all game long, every game, from coaches, players, fans. And at some point they just snap. Wouldn't you?

The Utah Jazz "bench": Sure, it's been shortened by injuries to Carlos Boozer and Andrei Kirilenko. But they were outscored 25-6 by San Antonio's pine riders and, in addition to shooting 2-for-9, finished with almost as many fouls (5) as points. By the way, regardless of whether the Russian Rifle ends up missing the rest of the season, the Jazz are officially snakebitten this season. They're never going to recover from all these injuries and mount a serious threat in the West. Gah! So irritating.

The Los Angeles Lakers: It seems like every time that Laker Mania starts to reach epic proportions, they suffer a stupid loss or two. It happened back in December against the Pacers and Kings, and it happened again last night. At home. Against the Bobcats.

Look, I know the 'Cats have been playing better lately. But there was no excuse for this loss. I mean, the Lakeshow and their "improved defense" gave up two near-triple-doubles to Boris Diaw (23 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists) and Raymond Felton (21 points, 11 rebounds, 9 assists) and let bench jockey Shannon Brown -- who scored 5 of his 14 points in the second overtime -- do a pretty good Gerald Wallace imitation after Wallace left the game due to injury (see below). That's in addition to Raja Bell's 17 points and Emeka Okafor's double-double (18 points, 11 boards). Okafor even had 2 assists!

Now, the Bobcats, no doubt, were pumped up to play the Lakers, but it sure seems like the Lakers weren't exactly roused to play back. Which I guess worked out for the fans, since the many people who voted for this game to be shown on NBATV were rewarded by two extra periods and plenty of drama. Of course, this game wouldn't have gone to even one overtime if not for...

Boris Diaw and Raja Bell: Man oh man would the Charlotte players be kicking themselves today if they'd lost last night's game. And by "themselves" I mean "Boris and Raja." Why? Because they combined to miss five free throws in the final 2:08 of the fourth quarter (two clanks by Raja and three clunks by Boris). So much for veteran poise. I guess they had a bad case of the OHMYGODWEMIGHTACTUALLYBEATTHELAKERS-itis.

Andrew Bynum: Hey, Andy, pick on somebody your own size, okay?


Steve Nash, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Several people sent in this quote from Nash, which was too good to omit. Regarding the many Phoenix players who require touches and shots: "A lot of mouths to feed. I'm willing to just feed and feed. ... So trying to get Amare off, getting, Shaq off...getting [Jason Richardson], Grant [Hill], Leandro [Barbosa]. ... A lot of mouths to feed."

Wow. Kind of sounds like what I'd expect to hear during an interview with a gay porn stars. Do those guys ever get interviewed? Or even straight porn stars for that matter? And if so, what insight could they possibly provide? "Yes, Jenna, could you please tell us what it's like having so many mouths to feed, what it's like having to get several men off at the same time...?"

The ultra rare Basketbawful mea culpa: In yesterday's Worst of the Night post, Wild Yams chided the Oklahoma City fans for not coming out in force to see their Thunder actually win a game. So Basketbawful reader Sami wrote in to set the record straight:

"I just read in your blog about how you put down the Thunder fans for not showing up merely because of 'bad weather.' That's a cheap shot. The ice storm we got was really bad; the governor declared a state of emergency for every county in the state, and numerous people have crashed and died. My school has been canceled twice (Whoo!), and Bedlam was on the same night, which A) is a big deal for all Oklahomans and B) Oklahoma State gave free admission to Bedlam because of the bad weather. I know Seattle people probably get that more than we do, but that alone makes it worse for us; we are not used to it. Add the fact that it was drizzling all day with the temperature under freezing, and you get a whole lot of ice."

Fair enough, Sami. Our bad. No Thunder game is worth risking life and limb, that's for sure.

Stephon Marbury: Yesterday, during his live chat on ESPN, Starbury was asked if, given the chance and knowing what he knows now, he'd go back and sign with the Knicks again. AND HE SAID YES. But wait until you read why: "The first day I came back it was a [sic] rebrith for me from a basketball perspective. I was playing in my hometown. I would do it all over again, because I have learned so much and grown so much because of the move. I was able to build Starbury.com. There have been a lot of things that has allowed me to build a successful sneaker and clothing line and made me a better person and helped me grow."

Yowsers. As chris said in an email: "So let's see, if he came back to the Knicks and did it all over again, he'd feel the most important part would be to build an Internet.com brand? I thought that 'winning a championship' or 'not causing locker room spats' were more critical for a basketball rebirth...." Not to mention "not banging a team intern in an SUV after a group outing to a strip club." You know, for example.

Kobe Bryant: In addition to fouling out of the Lakers double-OT loss to the Bobcats last night, Mamba has, apparently, gotten to the people serving Tim Duncan's Gatorade...


(Thanks to everybody who sent this video in, and reuben for inspiring me to use it for my Daily Kobe. It appeared on TrueHoop yesterday, but it's actually been around for a while. In fact, I back-linked to it on Deadspin last year.)

Labels: Worst of the Night

Voskuhl (voss-cull) noun. When a big man's combined fouls and turnovers exceed his combined points and rebounds over the course of a game.

Usage example: With Michael Redd out for the season, the Bucks need Dan Gadzuric to contribute more than his usual Voskuhl.

Word history: The term was coined in a dormitory television lounge at Dartmouth College in March of 1999, when several friends were rooting for UConn to defeat Duke for the NCAA men's basketball championship and bemoaning the limited contributions of UConn starting center Jake Voskuhl. In three of UConn's six tournament games, Voskuhl came very close to achieving a Voskuhl -- including a 2-point, 2-rebound, 3-foul effort in UConn's narrow title game win over Duke. The blog Be the Three (written by one of the men present in the dorm room in 1999) mentioned the term in a post earlier this month in a post titled Field Trip! Suns at Raptors, Nash's Game and What's a 'Voskuhl'?

Voskuhl, selected by the Bulls in the second-round of the 2000 draft, has continued to pile up Voskuhls during his NBA career. Voskuhl has appeared in 427 games and recorded a Voskuhl in 54 of them -- a Voskuhl rate of about 12.6 percent. Seven of those Voskuhls have happened this season.

But a look through Voskuhl's Voskuhls shows that there actually are two different kinds of Voskuhls: One in which the big man plays just a minute or two and has little time to accumulate any stats (this may be more accurately termed a "Madsen"), and another in which the big man records a Voskuhl despite playing enough minutes to at least pull down some boards.

Two of big Jake's six Voskuhls from the 2002-03 season serve as good examples of the two archetypes. On April 6, 2003, against the Lakers, Voskuhl played three minutes and recorded 2 fouls, zero points and zero rebounds. A couple of weeks earlier, in a loss to Dallas, Voskuhl played nearly half the game (21 minutes) but scored just 1 point and recorded a paltry 3 rebounds. He committed 5 fouls and 3 turnovers. This may be termed a "True Voskhul."

(One note in that box score: Suns reserve guard Casey Jacobsen nearly recorded a Voskuhl, with 2 points, 1 foul and 1 turnover. The stat is meant for big men, though).

On Dec. 18, 2003, Voskuhl set a personal high for minutes played in a Voskuhl. He started for Phoenix against Portland and played 34 minutes, but recorded zero points and 5 rebounds before racking up the maximum 6 fouls. He also committed a turnover.

Voskuhl, however, is not at the top of list of Voskhuls among current players. At least one fellow back-up big, Mark Madsen, has recorded them at a higher rate: 84 in 443 games played, for a Voskuhl rate of about 19 percent. Madsen only played a minute or two in many of those games, meaning they do not rise to the level of the True Voskuhl.

Quality big men are not immune to the Voskuhl. Suns star Amare Stoudemire suffered a Voskuhl against Boston earlier this month when the Celtics held him to 3 points and 1 rebound while he committed 4 turnovers and 4 fouls. This was the day after Amare declared that he was about to "get my gorilla game on." Greg Oden recorded two Voskuhls in December.

Other frequent Voskuhl-ers include Gadzuric (10 already this season), the Spurs' Fabricio Oberto (four this season) and new Bobcats center DeSagana Diop (five last season, four this year).

About the author: Zach Lowe covers law and business for a magazine in New York and recently started the NBA and Celtics-themed blog Be The Three. He grew up in Connecticut but inexplicably became Georgetown fan and rooted against UConn. But he cheered for them anyway when they faced Duke for the national title

Labels: Dan Gadzuric, DeSagana Diop, Jake Voskuhl, Mark Madsen, The Fabulous Oberto, Word of the Day

Editor's note: Since the lacktion reports have been increasing in popularity and awesomeness, they will now be getting their own posts...until our lacktion reporter gets tired of doing them.

Sixers-Hornets: Marreese Speights, the Sixers' most recent first round draft pick, has been productive in recent stints. However, since Elton Brand's recovery, the Sixers have been bent on including the ex-Clipper deadweight on the court to slow down the game and make it easier for other teams to grab victory off of the Comcast Turtles' Conveyor Belt of Fail. (Anyone who has seen one of those annoying commercials will know this reference all too well.)

So with Brand firmly re-inserted into the lineup as the human jaws of defeat, Speights had to change his focus from contributing to the uptempo offense during Elton's absence to earning notability through the lacktion writeup. Two fouls and 3:02 later, he proudly achieved a +2, which involved much less masonry than Elton's statline (three missed shots, compounded by two turnovers!).

Sadly, in this case, lacktion was much more of a positive contribution than a Big Free Agent Signing's start.

Update! Wow. Immediately after Marreese Speights had his first taste of lacktion for 2009, Bill Simmons goes out and declares him underrated, putting him in the same company as Millsap, Durant and...Manny Ramirez? Huh?

Blazers-Clippers: Channing Frye served as Portland's human victory cigar against The Team That Is Who We Thought It Was, scoring a beautiful 1.9 trillion at Staples Center in the midst of a 25-point win. Conversely, Mike Dunleavy's squad of castoffs all demonstrated why they are not on professionally-operated basketball teams, as three bench jockeys managed to ruin exemplary runs of coldness with insignificant contributions.

Jason Hart trashed an eight-minute run of one foul by tossing the ball to a scoring teammate for an exasperating assist, while Ricky Davis let a missed shot land onto his palms for a brick-and-foul negating rebound, the same problem Cheikh Samb had. Samb (the focal point of the Iverson/Billups trade -- at least for lacktion enthusiasts) bungled a two-brick non-performance in nearly five minutes with the aforementioned board.

And now up on Deadspin: Cheikh Samb gets posterized!


About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: Channing Frye, Cheikh Samb, Comcast Turtles, Elton Brand, guest author, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, Marreese Speights, Mike Dunleavy Sr., Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers

Nick Young: He aggressively pursue balls.
The Washington Generals: Henry Abbott was saying yesterday that there are three tiers of teams in the East: The Celtics, Craboilers and Magic are at the top, every other team in the East except Washington is in the middle, and the Wizards are alone on their own tier at the bottom. And last night's game was a prime example of why this is. For starters, the Wizards allowed Shaq to finish with a game-high 29 points despite it being the second night of a back-to-back for The Big Contract. Apparently Phoenix is beginning to realize they're in danger of missing the playoffs this year, so it looks like Shaq being able to take games off is no longer part of the game plan. On top of letting Shaq eat them up, after trailing by only two at home entering the fourth quarter, the Wiz made only 6 field goals the rest of the way, letting Phoenix outscore them 28-14 to finish out the game. The loss combined with the Thunder's win (see below) made them, officially, the worst team in the NBA. But, to be fair, you can't be expected to win many games when your starting point guard is...

Mike James: 36 minutes, 4 assists, 3 turnovers, zero points. Either Terry Porter's supposed commitment to D has turned Steve Nash into a defensive juggernaut, or Mike James is who we thought he was. I'm not sensing much seller's remorse from New Orleans on the trade they made to unload him awhile back.

The Big Cactus and Tough Juice Man Love: You just have to kiss a head that cute.


The Atlanta Hawks: Fresh off losing to the Suns the previous night, the Dirty Birds came out and laid an egg in Miami, trailing for all but 23 seconds of last night's game. After Marvin Williams hit a three-point shot to give the Hawks their only lead at 12-11 with 6 minutes to go in the first, Atlanta didn't hit another field goal till only 4:30 remained in the half, a span of over 13 minutes. That kind of futility can lead to some record lows, and that's exactly what happened last night as the Hawks set a franchise record for fewest first-half points with 27.

Mike Bibby: Apparently trying to one-up Mike James for Worst PG of the Night honors, Bibby put up a truly awful stat line for a point guard: 32 minutes, 5 turnovers, no assists, 2 points. And to think there's been minor rumblings about Bibby deserving an All-Star spot this year.

Joe Johnson, quote machine: "We just weren't playing hard." You know what? He's right. Here's a tip: Next game, try playing hard. I guarantee you'll give your team a better chance of success if you do.

The Houston Rockets: Yao missed his second straight game with a knee injury, thus depriving Nate Robinson of another chance to block one of his shots, so the Rockets were forced to play sans center yet again. Against a team like the Knicks that wants to do everything they can to lure you into a game of high-speed small ball, losing the one guy on your team who's taller than 6'9 can be a dangerous proposition (I know Mutombo is taller than 6'9, but he received a DNP-CD, most likely because he's roughly mummy age). Houston is a team that normally shoots fewer than 20 three-pointers per game, but last night they fell under D'Antoni's spell, firing up 33 shots from deep, bricking all but 10. The blame for this falls pretty squarely on...

Ron Artest, Rafer Alston and Tracy McGrady: Crazy Pills, Skip to my Lou and Knee-Mac fell right into the Knicks' trap and got suckered into bombing away, finishing the night a combined 5-22 from distance. The trigger-happy Knicks as a team only attempted 21 threes (hitting 6). I wonder if Kenny Smith is rethinking his prediction that Houston will win it all this year?

The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit Bucks three-point Shooting: Losing your best shooter can really hurt a team's chances of scoring from deep. So can missing your starting center and his ability to let the team go inside out for open perimeter shots. Just ask the Bucks, who only shot 7 percent from downtown last night without Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut in the lineup.

Richard Jefferson: With Bogut out for the 7th straight game with back spasms and now with Redd out for the season with a torn ACL and MCL, Richard Jefferson is the lone Milwaukee player with a contract worth over $10m a year; but you wouldn't know it based on last night's game: 3-for-15 shooting (including 0-5 from beyond the arc) for 10 points in 34 minutes won't get it done. If the Bucks wanted that kind of production, they wouldn't have traded away Yi Jianlian.

The "Brand new" 76ers: Elton Brand made his return to the 76ers last night in New Orleans, and Philly responded by posting their lowest point total in three weeks. Brand was limited to zero points on three shots in 18 minutes of play, despite New Orleans missing both Tyson Chandler and David West. The 76er defense allowed New Orleans to shoot 14-31 from downtown, including a four-minute span from the end of the third quarter till early in the fourth when the Hornets hit 6 threes to push the lead from 3 to 16. Philly was clearly not learning by watching either, shooting only 2-14 from deep themselves.

The New Jersey Nets: This game was nowhere near as close as the 9-point margin would lead you to believe, as the Nets got their butts kicked up and down the floor for the first 40 minutes of the game, trailing by 28 with 7 minutes to play. Only a furious rally by New Jersey made the game look somewhat respectable, but you know it's bad when you outscore the opposition by 19 in the 4th quarter and still lose by 9. P.S. THEY WERE PLAYING THE THUNDER.

Vince Carter and Devin Harris: You might think a torrid New Jersey comeback would be fueled by the Nets' two All-Star hopefuls, but if you did you'd be wrong. Nope, neither of these players were even on the floor in the fourth quarter, with Lawrence Frank having long pulled the plug on this one (and who can blame him, down 28 to start the final 12 minutes). Being yanked early isn't why these two are being mentioned here though. No, it's because they combined to shoot 6--for-29 for 18 total points. That and the fact that they were -18 (Vince) and -25 (Devin) for the night, while Trenton Hassell, Chris Douglas-Roberts and Maurice Ager were +19, +21 and +11 off the bench, respectively.

Klahoma City fans: Their team stinks all year, and when they finally put on a clinic to become only the second-worst team in pro ball, a mere 5,000 people were there to see it due to bad weather. That faint sound you hear in the distance is the basketball fans in Seattle cursing in unison.

The L.A. Clippers: As always, the Clips were missing their four best players (Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, Zach Randolph and Chris Kaman), as well as Mardy Collins (strained left calf) and Mike Taylor (broken thumb), but on the plus side, at least Brian Skinner seems to have recovered from the flu-like symptoms that kept him out of L.A.'s last game, so they had that going for them, which is nice. Nevertheless, the Clips at home had the game all tied up with less than 13 minutes go to before the wheels came off. Maybe with that patched-together group that Mike Dunleavy, Sr. had to throw out on the floor, 35 minutes of quality ball is all one can expect. Too bad the remaining 13 minutes were so miserable as the Blazers finished the game on a 42-17 run.

Ricky Davis: Looking through the Clipper lineup, it's tough to find too much fault with many of those guys. Most are rookies,second-year guys or fringe journeymen like Cheikh Samb. But not Ricky Davis. No, Ricky Davis is a basketball name that will live in infamy, and this game didn't help to clear any of the mud off his name. That he had no points on one missed shot with one turnover and one rebound are somewhat excusable since he only played six minutes. What can't be excused is that he only was able to get six minutes of playing time on such a depleted roster. In fact, outside of Steve Novak, the whole Clipper bench only played 19 minutes. Which brings us to...

Mike Dunleavy, Sr.: Hey Mike, if you're wondering why your team got outscored by 25 points in the last 13 minutes of the game, maybe it's because they were on the second night of a back-to-back and you decided to only go with a six-man rotation. Mike D'Antoni even thinks you didn't use your bench enough last night. Did you really need to give Eric Gordon and Fred Jones, a 20-year old rookie and a guy the clippers waived and then resigned three days later to a 10-day contract, 41 and 43 minutes last night? Surely Ricky Davis and Jason Hart could have contributed more than 14 combined minutes tonight, right?

The Portland Trailblazers: Shame on them for letting such a woefully understaffed Clipper team hang with them for 35 minutes!

NBA Marketing Geniuses: The NBA's online store is selling a Laker T-shirt in Celtic green, complete with a three-leaf clover on the sleeve. Who is more likely to want to own this: Laker fans or Celtic fans? Would fans of either team wear it? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

Kobe Byrant: Lord Mamba snuck into Luke Walton's house and short-sheeted his bed, then waited till Luke fell asleep and placed his hand in a bowl of warm water.

Update! Bonus Bawful: Here's some other Bawful tidbits from ESPN today:

- Ron Artest made only one of his 10 three-point field-goal attempts in Houston's loss to the Knicks on Monday night. It was only the third time this season than an NBA player took at least 10 shots from beyond the arc and made no more than one.

- The Rockets led the Knicks 80-74 at the end of the third quarter on Monday night, but New York rallied to win, 104-98. The Knicks had been 0-21 this season in games in which they trailed heading into the fourth quarter. Prior to Monday night they were the only team in the league that had not won a game in which it was behind entering the final period.

- Minnesota defeated Milwaukee 90-83 on Monday night, overcoming a rough night for Sebastian Telfair, who was 3-for-13 (.231) from the field, with six turnovers. Only one other player in Timberwolves history had such a low field-goal percentage (min: 10 FGA) and at least that many turnovers in one game. That was Christian Laettner, who was 2-for-13 (.154), with six turnovers in a loss at Orlando in April 1994.

- Also, apparently Dwyane Wade is taking up two starting spots in the All Star Game.

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Elton Brand, guest author, Houston Rockets, Mike Bibby, Mike James, Milwaukee Bucks, New Jersey Nets, Philadelphia 76ers, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

To be a Clipper is to know true sadness.
Violent murders: Several readers emailed me or commented about this, but in case you hadn't heard: A woman found shot to death in a Chicago apartment was a former girlfriend of Eddy Curry and the mother of his 3-year-old son, according to Curry's attorney. Nova Henry and her nine-month-old daughter, Ava, were found dead in their apartment near the South Side on Saturday. Both died from multiple gunshot wounds. Yes, some evil bastard (or bastardette, I guess) shot a woman and an infant MULTIPLE TIMES. Curry's son was found at the scene, unharmed but covered in blood. According to Nova's great-aunt Dorothy Luvert: "...the [3-year-old] baby was sitting on the couch, covered in blood. He was alone. We don't know for how long. All he's doing is crying for his mama. That's what's killing me dead."

The police have a man "who had a romantic relationship" with Henry in custody. The details are a little sketchy, but turns out it might be an ex-boyfriend against whom Nova had a restraining order. According to a relative who asked not to be identified: "[The ex-boyfriend] said there was only one way out of this relationship." Talk about putting the "senseless" into "senseless tragedy."

Yao Ming: On Friday, the Great Wall had two of his bricks blocked by the Pacers before being forced out of the game with a sore knee. According to Yao himself: "X-ray pictures show everything is fine, no cracks. I think I will be fine." Still, he ended up missing Houston's win over the Pistons on Sunday. Could this be the precursor to Yao's annual season-ending injury? I guess we'll see...

The Phoenix Suns: Phoenix fell victim to a classic revenge game, as Boris Diaw went off (26 points, 10-for-16, 11 rebounds, 4 assists) and the Bobcats beat the Suns by 22 points. The Suns shot 36 percent, committed 24 turnovers, scored a season-low 13 points in the first quarter and were behind 59-37 at halftime. Steve Nash even missed a free throw for the first time in a month. In other words: Total meltdown. Like a marshmallow peeps in a microwave.

Grant Hill, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Cam sent in this quote from Hill regarding Boris Diaw's relocation to Charlotte: "He's a better bride than a bridesmaid. Here he has a chance to be a bride." I'm pretty secure in my masculinity, but that's not an analogy I'd ever want a friend using about my basketball career. Then again, Boris IS French...

Amare Stoudemire: His post-All-Star vote-in malaise continued against the Bobcats: STAT's stats: 12 points (5-for-14) and 6 turnovers. Is it too late to give his spot to Bruce Bowen?

The Detroit Pistons: Holy freaking crap. Two nights after a 34-point loss in Milwaukee, the Pistons lost by 21 at home to the Dallas Mavericks. THEN they lost on Sunday (bad day for them) to the Yao Ming-less Rockets. They are now 2-6 since Hamilton returned from a groin injury and are 20-19 since trading for Allen Iverson. Said Antonio McDyess: "It's sickening." Pretty much. And just think, Dice: Danny Ainge tried really, really hard to bring you to Boston. I bet you'd like a mulligan on that decision, wouldn't you?

The Memphis Grizzlies: They fired head coach Marc Iavaroni and replaced him with Lionel Hollins. The result? Back-to-back double-digit losses in New York (108-88) and at home against the Nets (99-88). So much for the dead coach bounce.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Their 30-point loss in Atlanta on Friday night was lowlighted by Andrew Bogut's fifth straight absence with back spasms and a seven-minute first-half stretch in which they went field goal-less. At one point, during a 3-on-1 fast break in which the Hawks' lone defender chose to concede the basket, Richard Jefferson blew a layup and Michael Redd gonged the follow-up. Things got even worse for the Bucks on Saturday night despite a 2-point win over the Kings: They lost Michael Redd for the rest of the year. Redd tore ligaments in his left knee when he came down on teammate Luke Ridnour's foot after missing a third-quarter shot. So, you know, you can go ahead and stamp "Finished" on Milwaukee's season.

The New Orleans Hornets: They angry buzzers fell victim to the suddenly unstoppable Timberwolves, who dropped 37 points on them in the fourth quarter to pull out a 116-108 win. By the numbers, New Orleans has the league's best interior defense, but the Wolves scored 52 points in the paint and posted a 42-26 rebounding advantage. It's worth noting that the Hornets were without Tyson Chandler and David West, and were thus forced to rely on Melvin Ely and Ryan Bowen for in-the-paint protection. And that...didn't work. A lot.

The Chicago Bulls: Let's see, they lost their last home game until February 10th by 20 points to the Toronto Craptors and then they kicked off their seven-game road trip by blowing a 16-point lead en route to a come-from-ahead overtime loss to the Timberwolves. Sigh. It's a depressing time to be a Bulls blogger...

The Golden State Warriors: They came THIS CLOSE to pulling out a nearly-unthinkable win at home over the Cleveland Craboliers. Then this happened...


I guess sometimes four seconds is too much time for a team to play defense. Assuming that team is the Warriors.

The Klahoma City Thunder: The Clippers were, per usual, missing Zach Randolph (left knee), Baron Davis (bruised tailbone) Marcus Camby (left ankle), Chris Kaman (left arch) and Mike Taylor (broken right thumb). Then they lost Brian Skinner to flu-like symptoms. Fortunately, they were playing the Thunder. Eric Gordon, a rookie who was slated for, like, 10 backup minutes at the point this season, dropped a career-high 41 points on the defenseless Thunder and Ricky Davis had 11 assists. Yes, that Ricky Davis. (Although Davis did score only 1 point on 0-for-6 shooting.) Memo to the Thunder: When you make Ricky freaking Davis look like the second coming of John Stockton, you have failed. Very much.

The Orlando Magic: They Magicians followed up that decisive home loss to the Celtics by losing to the Heat in Miami. Dwyane Wade and company built a 15-point lead before holding on to win 103-97 on the strength of their backcourt (Wade and Mario Chalmers combined for 47 points on 19-for-33 shooting plus 12 assists) and a franchise-low 4 turnovers.

Anthony Johnson: Okay, so the vet fouled Chris Quinn three times in a 15-second span early in the fourth quarter and then got a technical foul for arguing the last call. Uh, Anthony, I'm pretty sure Stan Van Gundy didn't call for Hack-A-Quinn.

Mark Blount: Erik Spoelstra dusted off Blount and actually played him 19 minutes against the Magic. Blount logged more PT in the first half -- 8 minutes, 38 seconds -- than he had in Miami’s last 26 games combined. Blount's last appearance was on December 14...which means he'd been DNP-CD'd for 18 straight games. The result of the expected usage: 7 points on 8 shots and 1 rebound. Hope you enjoyed the daylight, Mark.

The Utah Jazz: On Saturday night, they lost for the first time in eight games at home (to the Crabs) despite Deron Williams' season-high 16 assists and Paul Millsap's double-double (24 points, 15 rebounds). It was Utah's fifth loss at home this season, which is one more defeat than they suffered in Salt Lake City all of last year. Then, on Sunday, they capped off a winless weekend by losing 117-97 to the Nuggets in Denver. The low point of that loss was Nene's 12-for-12 shooting, which made him the third player since the Nuggets joined the NBA in 1976-77 to make 10 or more shots without a miss. HISTORIC FAIL. Man. Jerry Sloan is wondering whether he can revoke that one-year extension he just signed...

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: Regarding Nene and his 12-for-12 sniping against the Jazz: "I don't think I'll ever go 12-for-12 because I'm going to shoot until I miss." I'm tempted to laugh, but he's not kidding.

The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs became the second team in the last week (along with the Heat) to get "Housed" by the Celtics: Eddie House tied for team honors in scoring by dropping 23 points on the strength of 7 three-pointers. Take away Eddie's points, though, and Dallas still would have lost by a point. Boston hit almost 54 percent of their field goals -- and almost 60 percent of their three-point shots -- and the Mavericks were blown the hell out despite owning an incredible 36-12 advantage on free throw attempts ON THE ROAD. Things got so out of hand that none of the Celtics' starters logged a single minute in the fourth quarter. The Mavs have now lost six of their last nine. Pretty soon, Mark Cuban is going to have permenant facepalm marks on his face.

Dirk Nowitzki: Shooting 4-for-17 is bad. Being seven feet tall and getting your shot blocked by Eddie House -- who's 6'1" on a really good day -- is much worse.

The San Antonio Spurs: I know it's only one game out of 82, but their loss in L.A. made it look like teh Spurs are waaaaay behind a healthy Lakers squad. And yes, as Wild Yams pointed out in a comment, I called it.

Lamar Odom: Speaking of Mr. Yams, he also noted that: "This is definitely Bawful-worthy, I'll let the headline speak for itself: Lakers' Odom being investigated for grabbing his crotch. Here's a link to the video of the alleged crotch-grabbing." Hey, I've said it before: Dude is nuts.

Now, at first, Odom denied it even happened, saying that "somebody's wrong" and that it was "too bad the Clippers feel like that" because he simply "hung on the rim." Then he kinda-sorta-maybe said he's sorry. "My intention is not to offend anybody, especially when I'm playing basketball. I wish [the Clippers] well -- everyone from the players to everyone in the front office. I'm being dead serious, man. I played for the Clippers six years ago. I don't even know how to respond, but, no that wasn't my intention at all."

Mike Miller: It's bad enough he looks like he belongs in the WNBA, but the dude has developed a rather severe case of scaredtoshootit-itis. I mean, dude was straight up afraid to launch the ball against the Bulls on Sunday. He's a shooter, right? Shooting is what he does. It's all he does. That would be like if I suddenly developed an allergy to sarcasm.

The Atlanta Hawks: Their 5-point home loss to the Suns was marked by bad O (41 percent shooting) and even worse D (the Suns shot 55 percent and scored 104 points despite committing 19 turnovers). Mind you, this was a Phoenix team that had lost five of six and were coming off a season-worst 22-point loss at Charlotte.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They may have beaten the Thunder, but they also got blown out by the Warriors, who got nearly perfect shooting out of Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette (who scored 20 points on 7-for-8 from the field). After the game, Maggette -- who was positively glowing -- said: "It's just special to get a win. I know they were undermanned over there and we just wanted to go out there and get us a win. Just coming off the bench trying to give the team a lift, that's my job right now." Who is this guy and what did he do with Corey Maggette??

The Lord our God: An anonymous reader posted this amusing comment: "I nominate God for WoW for playing favorites. Said Nene after going 12-12: 'All the glory I give to God.' Said Redd after a season ending injury: 'I'm deeply disappointed but everything in life happens for a reason and this is God's plan for me.' God bless Americans?" Hey, you left one out. After the Timberwolves beat the Bulls to win for the ninth time in 11 games, Wolves coach Kevin McHale said: "The players have bought into each other. It's 98 percent players and prayer." If all this is true, and God is mucking around with the NBA as much as the players and coaches seem to think, does that mean...He's a Lakers fan?! [shudders]

Friday lactivity report: Chris and his famous lacktion update are back:

Mavs-Pistons: Mark Cuban will be pleased with his understudy Matt Carroll, who showed prowess in creating wealth out of nothing via good timing (the same skill that turned Mr. Cuban from a mere Internet loudmouth into a billionaire Internet loudmouth). Carroll gave the Mavs a 1.66 trillion, which unlike his team owner's methods is a profit not requiring SEC approval.

Bucks-Hawks: Randolph Morris arrived in Atlanta this year after surviving a stint in the dark world of Isiah Thomas, and it's rather apparent that he gained a bawful skillset from his days in the Garden. At Phillips Arena, he gave the home team a +2 via brick and giveaway in 2:09, picking up the slack from a disappointingly passable appearance from THE Mario West, who ruined his own brick -and-giveaway run with an unwelcome board and assist.

And speaking of lacktion experts, Atlanta's Acie Law apparently isn't good at generating off-court wealth, judging by his not-so-brilliant football betting.

Grizzlies-Knicks: Anthony Roberson may be playing on Mike 'antoni's efense-first Knicks, but he went for the anti-scoring route and nicely dropped a brick from downtown for a solid +1 in 1:50.

Hornets-Wolves: Despite all his best efforts, Kevin McFail's Navy won again, forcing him to reluctantly unleash a human victory cigar - something that one doesn't usually associate with Minnesota. So he called the clear centerpece of the OJ Mayo deal, one Brian Cardinal, who abundantly produced 4.9 trillion for the team treasury.

Raptors-Bulls: Night in and night out, Jake Voskuhl makes sure to bring his least to the court when he can, a sign of someone who has put in the years of work to become a reliable sedentary presence on the hardwood. His one foul for +1 in 1:11 reflects his status as Toronto's go-to guy for pointlessly eating up seconds on the court when asked. This compares to the not so stellar showing of Chicago's Joakim Noah, who had everything in his favor -- locker room dissension, non-existant chemistry, Vinny Del Negro's questionable coaching, and a team so bad that it was losing to the Craptors. All those bawful factors couldn't prevent himself from ruining over fourteen minutes of fail (including two bricked free throws and three giveaways) with three rebounds before fouling out. There's a reason Noah is not making the All-Lacktion Team.

BTW, as I feared, just as Tarence Kinsey got hot with four straight games of lacktion, he melted down at the Oracle this evening. Tempted so much by efensive opposition, Kinsey went against form to score multiple times (thus ending his brilliant run of non-contribution). Still, Kinsey should be applauded for making it to the report in that many contests in a row, overcoming three near-miss appearances of slight production to provide us an all-time streak of unremarkability.

Saturday lacktivity report: More Chris! More lacktion! Kind of...

First off, I was at a monster truck show at Arco Arena on Saturday night, and the event was sold out, prompting the announcer to say: "Nice that we can sell out this place since there are some other events that come here that aren't able to."

Gee, I'm sure the Maloofs were happy to see their prized possession smacked down like that, but when you have a one-time trillionaire champion as one of your starters...that speaks for itself.

Anyways, Sobering Saturday was a night of incredible NON-lacktion, as several players let down the principles of bawful with barely measurable contributions, most not noteworthy enough for mention here. But some of these were either surprisingly mediocre starting performances - where achieving lacktion is much more difficult - or shocking missed opportunites from the superstars of lacktivity. The evening's results remind us how much we Bawful readers need to never take blank statlines and negative numbers for granted, as even the greatest grifters of the bench can have an off night...er...an "on" night, once in a while.

Magic-Heat: HUH? YAKHOUBA DIAWARA A STARTER? Injuries must be taking their toll on the Heat, as putting him in a position to back into positive statistics strikes me as a reckless, career-changing maneuver. Not only did he start, but he got a full 24 minutes of floor time, over half the match actually. Still, it wasn't an absence of effort that prevented him from officially racking lacktion; he did foul and brick three times each and would have put in a historic non-performance. Except somehow, he managed to make a shot, and also stand in the right spot of the court for a board, thus relegating his start to obscurity.

Nets-Grizzlies: Marko Jaric is a former Clipper, a good place to hone the art of not contributing anything when on the floor. And, in four and a half minutes, two fouls were pointing the way -- but for the fact that the ball fell in his hands for a demoralizing board. He probably also was rueing his luck that the ball he threw at a random teammate turned into an assist, too.

Kings-Bucks: Dan Gadzuric, as a starter for the Bucks, found himself between a rock and a hard place -- being one of the first five to take the hardwood, at some point, the luck of the draw would go against him and place the ball in his hands. One brick, two fouls, and a giveaway in ten minutes would be spectacular even for a bench guy. Only that lacktion stars try to avoid the ball landing in their hands off the glass, or worse, giving the ball to a compatriot who can make a shot, two things that Gadzuric was guilty of tonight.

Cavs-Jazz: The Craboliers' Tarence Kinsey must be clenching his claws right now in frustration, after he botched a chance to get back to his all-lacktion form by taking the ball out of the air after it left a Utah player's hands - this despite two perfectly missed shots! While he did have that recent four-game streak that still arouses extremely loud chatter from the vaunted fraternity of lacktion enthusiasts worldwide, he has now choked 4 chances at stat line snoozing in the last 9 games as well, in addition to giving in to the desire to play non-bawfully against the Warriors. Shows you how difficult attaining the highest standards of suckiness can be.

Wizards-Blazers: Joel Przybilla picked a strange team to attempt to play lacktively against - the Generals. Yet he showed a surprising set of catatonic skills at his home court: not attempting a shot at all, and fouling three times in nine minutes. However, he could not avoid catching the ball for a rebound. The clumsiness of the Generals also ensured that shying away from potential physical contact was impossible, creating a situation in which the Vanilla Gorilla was forced to accept charity stripe time. And as anyone knows, free throws are pure kryptonite to lacktion, in this case resulting in two unwanted points.

Sunday lactivity report: Chris recovered from his monstrous truck experience to fulfill our lacktive needs.

Celtics-Mavs: Dallas -- facing the spotlights of the ESPN-on-ABC cameras -- demonstrated quite a bit of efense and ffense (as opposed to defense and offense of course), giving up 100 points in 2.9 quarters of bawful.

A reminder graphic: The Mavs are the 4th-oldest team in the NBA, meaning that they've already wasted their potential! LOL, in the 3rd, the broadcast team just showed Brian Scalabrine facepalming for about 30 seconds after he took a foul. Now the ABC cameras move on to Staples Center for a second, to the locker room...where we witness the TIM DUNCAN FACE!

Okay, the lacktivity rundown from this groaner: after James Singleton was forced back on in garbage time in the 4th to ruin a Mario he had developed in the first half, Leon Powe came in for the Celtics to attempt to show his waste disposal abilities, bricking twice and fouling once. (One of his bricks went to the netting, not even ABOVE the rim!) But then he unfortunately stood close enough to a Dallas player to be forced into successful defense, being the recepient of an unsolicited turnover - a steal on the statline, and the end of a strong run.

Dallas, er, Allas (at this rate) thus have brought out Matt Carroll to score some lacktion, and in five minutes, he was in fact responsible for the above giveaway - a smart move to ruin the other team's quest for lacktivity, while maintaining your own. Clutch! This power move led to a solid performance of +1 in 6:18.

Suns-Hawks: Louis Amundson and Jared Dudley were brothers in lacktion for Phoenix, respectively putting up +4 in 7:40 (three fouls, one giveaway) and +1 in 5:22 (one foul). (And this was a close game too, a 5 point win by the Suns!) Mario West did not make an appearance for the Hawks, but his craft of clumsiness was executed well by teammate Othello Hunter, who enviously chose to join the ranks of these writeups by tossing a brick for +1 in 1:04.

Rockets-Pistons: Kwame Brown is known for living down from expectations, and while he was given the chance to revolutionize the starting center job as a source of lacktivity, he let the ball fly off from the masonry into his arms, invalidating the paycheck to a 5 trillion profit.

Aubrey Coleman: This isn't NBA-related, but Aubrey Coleman of the Houston Cougars got ejected for stomping on Arizona's Chase Budinger's face after a charging call went against him in the second half of his team's game against the Wildcats.


As you could probably tell, it was one of those accidentally-on-purpose incidents that made you kind of hope that someday, somewhere, an grand piano will fall out of the sky and land on Coleman when he least expects it. But in the short term, the Basketball Gods had their revenge: Arizona scored 8 points in the final 1:30 of regulation to force overtime, during which they won the game 96-90.

Afterward, Coleman naturally issued a fake apology: "I want to apologize to Chase Budinger for what happened. I never meant to step on him. I have never been in an incident like this before, and I have nothing but respect for him as a great player. I love the game too much to do something like that intentionally. I want to say I am sorry from the bottom of my heart."

I'm sorry, Aubrey, but I've played a lot of basketball over the years. That head stomp wasn't an oopsie. Maybe you didn't mean to step on his face, but you weren't walking over him on accident. And your complete and total lack of remorse immediately following the incident kind of bears that out.

Micah Grimes: On Friday, I mentioned that high school girls basketball game in which Covenant School needlessly brutalized Dallas Academy 100-to-nothing. On Thursday, Covenant posted a statement on its Web site that said it "regrets...the outcome of the game with the Dallas Academy Varsity Girls Basketball team. It is shameful and an embarrassment that this happened. This clearly does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition." It was signed by Kyle Queal, the school's headmaster, and Todd Doshier, chairman of the school's board of trustees.

That would have been an excellent time for Grimes, Covenant's head coach, to issue his own mea culpa. But a man who would willingly preside over a Cobra Kai-like beatdown of a group of instructionally-challenged girls -- Dallas Academy specializes in working with girls who have learning disabilities -- obviously doesn't believe in showing any human mercy. So here's the statement he posted on the Flight Academy Web site: "I respectfully disagree with the apology, especially the notion that the Covenant School girls basketball team should feel 'embarrassed' or 'ashamed.' We played the game as it was meant to be played and would not intentionally run up the score on any opponent. Although a wide-margin victory is never evidence of compassion, my girls played with honor and integrity and showed respect to Dallas Academy." He then concluded: "So if I lose my job over these statements, I will walk away with my integrity." (The statement has since been removed from Flight Academy's site.)

Well...he'll definitely be walking away: Covenant fired his pitiless ass. Let this be a lesson Grimes and anybody else who chooses to run up the score on a defeated foe (coughNewEnglandPatriotscough): It will always come back to haunt you. Maybe sooner. Maybe later. But always.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba printed up several hundred copies of a flier that said: "GWM living with mommy looking for daddy. Prefer big hairy men, long walks on the beach, and being spanked. Call me anytime." At the end of the text was Luke Walton's phone number. Mamba then paid a homeless man $5 to pass out the flier all over L.A.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

At what point did he start trying to look like Hitler?
The Orlando Magic: Well, now. After a 4-0 Western Conference road trip that saw them beat the division-leading Lakers, Nuggets and Spurs, the Magic returned home and lost to the Celtics in a game that the Leprechauns controlled from beginning to end. The Magic -- who normally score 101.8 PPG and currently rank fifth in offensive efficiency -- scored only 80 points on 38 percent shooting. They also bricked 15 of their 22 three-point attempts and finished with more turnovers (14) than assists (11). They also missed eight free throws during a game in which every point was a dear and precious thing. (And, oddly, Dwight Howard accounted for only one of those clanks.)

Mind you, Boston's offensive numbers weren't great: 90 points on 46 percent shooting, 0-for-6 on threes, only 9 assists to 11 turnovers. But they cracked down on defense, won the rebounding battle (40-36) and played determined, focused basketball...and Orlando did not.

Stan Van Gundy, blame-taking machine: The Magic clearly had no idea whatsoever how to attack the Celtics' steel curtain defense. And Stan Van Gundy blamed himself. I'm tempted to agree, since it was mentioned before the game that he planned to coach it like it was any other game (since, he reasoned, it was still worth only one win...or one loss). Good call, huh? Said Stan the Man: "I'm pretty big on holding players accountable. On this one, it's me. I've got to find a way for us to get some ball movement and freedom of movement where we can get some shots. So I'm frustrated in myself." Way to take the bullet for your team, Stan. It's gracious of you. But the entire blame can hardly be placed on your porky shoulders. No, I would be remiss not to mention...

Dwight Howard: Superman, huh? Not last night, he wasn't. More like Failman or Can'tstopGlenDavisman (more on that in a second). Shortly after it was announced that Howard was the first player in league history to receive three million All-Star Game votes, he went out and gave the Magic a Jeff Foster-like performance: 11 points (4-for-10), 11 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 6 fouls. Worse was that Doc Rivers made a major adjustment, subbing in Big Baby for Kendrick Perkins to try and pull Howard out of the paint. Not only did it work, but Baby repeatedly burned Dwight with jumpers and finished with a season-high 16 points (6-for-8 from the field, 4-for-4 from the line). Even crazier was that Davis clearly bothered Howard on the defensive end, muscling Dwight off his spots and forcing him into some bad shots.

Long story short: Dwight Howard -- the league's most popular All-Star and a man who was being touted as an MVP candidate before the game -- was thoroughly outplayed by Glen Davis. And you know what that means, right?


'Nuff said.

You know things have gotten out ofhand in a Lakers game when...
The Washington Generals: Look, there's no way to sugarcoat this, so I'm not even going to try. The Generals suffered a 20-point blowout that couldn't have felt any more hopeless if they'd lost by 100. They had no chance whatsoever...which wasn't surprising. They're a nine-win team! The Lakers haven't even lost nine games yet. This was the kind of game that makes me want to turn off all the lights, crank up some Evanescence and sink into a black and inescapable depression. Quick quiz: Best music for a morbid depression -- Evanescence or Journey? Discuss.

Speaking of being depressed, here's what Generals coach Ed Tapscott had to say after his team's brutalization: "They broke us down and beat us up. They play the game at a very high level and they sustain that level. We had some decent moments, but we had far too many bad moments tonight." Just substitute "tonight" with "all season" and you'll be fixed right up, Ed.

DeShawn Stevenson: Okay, Wally Szczerbiak has some competition...


All-Star Voting: Where to start? How about Allen Iverson starting in the East. Or the fact that Kevin Garnett barely beat out Yi Jianlian for a starting spot by 253,004 votes. Or that Bruce Bowen -- a man who's not even starting for his own team!! -- Bowen — came 68,031 short of knocking Amare Stoudemire out of the West's starting lineup...despite STAT's hilarious (if somewhat self-aggrandizing) Vote 4 Amare campaign. I guess what I'm saying is: Can we all admit that there's something wrong with the process?

The Big Cranky: Sometimes I wish he'd just shut up. Here's a dose of what he had to say recently about Dwight Howard: "He's a good player, but everything he's done I've invented, so I'm not impressed. For me to get my eyes wide open about another big man, he'll have to do something that I haven't seen before or something that I haven't invented. Everything that he's done, I've invented it." I dunno, Shaq. Last time I checked, Dwight tends to show up for most of his team's games, including back-to-backs...

Retirement: I'd like to say a special goodbye to Alonzo Mourning, a special player and a true warrior. Sure, he rubbed people the wrong way now and then, like the time he refused to report to Toronto when the Nets traded him to the Raptors, or the many times he flexed and screamed in somebody's face after blocking their shot. But he was as passionate and dedicated to his teams (except the Raptors) as any player I've ever seen. He very much deserves to be the first Miami Heat player to have his jersey retired by the organization.

Dallas Academy: Basketbawful reader William F. sent me an article about Dallas Academy, a tiny school whose girls basketball team recently lost a game 100-0. Yes, you read that correctly: 100 points to no points. It was a beating so savage and brutal that the opposing team, the Covenant School, is suffering a case of "blowout remorse" and therefore is seeking to forfeit the game.

And frankly, they SHOULD feel bad. According to the article, Covenant -- a private Christian school -- was employing a full-court press and jacking up three-pointers in the fourth quarter even though their opponents hadn't, you know, scored a point. And here are some quick facts about the victims: "Dallas Academy has eight girls on its varsity team and about 20 girls in its high school. It is winless over the last four seasons. The academy boasts of its small class sizes and specializes in teaching students struggling with 'learning differences,' such as short attention spans or dyslexia."

That's right. The Christians were beating up on hapless, learning impaired opponents. I thought they'd be against such a metaphoric feeding to the lions. Jesus does not approve. And they know it. In the statement on the Covenant Web site, Queal said the game "does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition. We humbly apologize for our actions and seek the forgiveness of Dallas Academy, TAPPS and our community."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Clutch? Or just the Kobe Effect?
The Kobe Effect (ko-bee eff-ekt) noun. The state that arises when a player creates the popular notion that he is clutch by taking so many late-game shots that he inevitably hits enough to create this impression, even when it is not true.

Usage example: People think Jamal Crawford is clutch because a lot of his late game field goals made SportsCenter, but that's just The Kobe Effect happening; Crawford is actually a terrible late-game shooter.

Word history: The word was coined on the Be The Three blog in a post titled Pop Quiz: Down Three With 12 Seconds Left, What Do You Do? Also: Introducing The Kobe Effect. The Kobe Effect is said to have the strongest influence on radio talk show hosts and lazy sports columnists.

This effect could easily be named after Chauncey Billups or Jamal Crawford, but Kobe Bryant is the true progenitor of sort-of-false clutchness. Has Kobe made his share of big shots? Absolutely. He even made a game-winning three last week against Houston. He's convinced some league observers (often the most annoyingly passionate fans you'll meet) that he's the greatest clutch shooter since MJ. But is he really? Or does he hog all the late-game shots for the Lakers, thereby guaranteeing he becomes known as "clutch," even if he shoots a lower percentage -- and turns the ball over more -- with the game on the line?

Last year, Kobe ranked second (behind LeBron) in clutch scoring, pouring in 51.8 points per 48 minutes, according to 82games. But he was jacking up 33.6 shots per 48 minutes, third most in the league (again behind LeBron and, absurdly, Jamaal Tinsley). His "clutch" field goal percentage was 44.8 percent--right around his career average. That's pretty solid--especially considering the degree of difficulty on those shots is higher than in the normal course of play.

But here are Kobe's "clutch" shooting percentages from the last five seasons going backwards: 44.8, 43.6, 36.4, 32.4, 39.6.

That's not great. But let's narrow the sample size and look at the clutchiest of clutch shots--potentially game-winning shots in the last 30 seconds. How does Kobe do there? From 2003 through 2006, Kobe made seven such shots -- tied for ninth most in the league. But he fired up 32 shots, the highest total among all players. That adds up to a shooting percentage of 21.9 percent, well below the league average of 29 percent. Kobe also had zero assists in game-winning situations during that span.

Other supposedly clutch shooters on this list: Chauncey Billups, Mr. Big Shot, hit 5 of 26 shots (19 percent), and Jamal Crawford, who made so many last-second shots even the New York Times fell for it and labeled him clutch, went 6-for-19 (31 percent).

It's not that Kobe's a bad clutch shooter. Last year, Kobe shot 46.7 percent in "super clutch" situations, which 82games defines as less than two minutes in the fourth or OT, score within three points. That's impressive, especially since he did so while firing nearly 35 shots per 48 minutes, the fourth-highest rate in the league. But he had the third-worst turnover rate in the entire NBA (more than nine per 48 minutes) in such situations. (Just for fun: Guess who took even more shots per minute than Kobe in "super clutch" situations? Jamal Crawford--and he made a whopping 19 percent of them.)

Oh -- and there's always that infamous Game 7 against Phoenix in 2006, when Mr. Clutch decided not to shoot in the second half in order to show the world that his teammates stunk. Now that's clutch.

Conclusion: Kobe's clutch shooting percentage is significantly lower than his overall shooting percentage, but people believe he's the greatest clutch shooter since MJ because of The Kobe Effect.

Other benefactors of the Kobe Effect: Chauncey Billups, Jamal Crawford, Joe Johnson, who takes almost every big shot down the stretch for the Hawks but is making just 33 percent of them this year after sinking only 29.7 percent of clutch shots last season. But the aura ofThe Kobe Effect surrounds him thanks to a handful of clutch shots he made against Boston in the playoffs last season.

The Truly Clutch: Manu Ginobli, LeBron James.

About the author: Zach Lowe covers law and business for a magazine in New York and recently started the NBA and Celtics-themed blog Be The Three. He is a lifelong Celtics fan and is not scared when Kobe Bryant has the ball late in games. He is, however, terrified of Joe Johnson no matter what the numbers say.

Labels: guest author, Kobe Bryant, Word of the Day

The following screen shot was sent in by Ryan M, who said: "Wally Szczerbiak. Looking like a P.I.M.P. If pimps were gay." I'm sorry, Ryan, but I have to completely disagree with you on this one, since that's a totally unfair insult to pimps and gay men everywhere. I can only hope that Wally has a good excuse for that ensemble, like maybe he suffered a near-fatal head would immediately before dressing himself with clothes he found in the drop-box outside a nearby homeless shelter. Otherwise, well, I'm sending his name to the Stacy and Clinton...

Labels: fan submissions, straight pimpin', Wally Szczerbiak, What Not To Wear

Thanks to Michael W. for today's pic.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Despite the temptation, I'm not going to crack on them for letting the Bobcats shoot for the game. I will, however, laugh mockingly at the following facts: They got choke-slammed on the boards (44-28), missed 10 foul shots (25-for-35) and committed 21 turnovers (which led to 23 points for the 'Cats). That combination of flubups sure makes it hard to win. Or, you know, lose with dignity.

Rudy Gay: He recovered from a brutal three-game stretch in which he went 13-for-39 from the field to score 26 points on 10-for-15 shooting. BUT...he had 7 of his team's 21 lost balls. That's a lot of balls to lose. I said balls. Said Gay: "I know personally I turned the ball over a couple of useless times. We just have to play more solid." Notice how quickly he went from "I" to "We"?

Emeka Okafor: I haven't forgotten about The Okafor Watch! Last night, the mighty Oak went off for 20 and 15 to go along with 3 steals and 3 blocked shots. But, of course, he had zero assists. It was the eighth time the last 13 games that he had a goose egg in the assist column. In the other five games, he had 1 assist. So far on the season, he has 25 zero-assist outings and 14 others in which he notched only 1 assist. And that accounts for all but three games! In that other trio of games, he had 2, 3, and 4 assists, respectively. The current Watch standings: 404 shot attempts, 199 free throw attempts, 23 assists and 83 turnovers. His mother obviously didn't teach him to share.

The Toronto Craptors: Bad shooting? Check (42 percent). Beaten on the boards? Check (40-28). Ineffective defense? Check (3 steals, 1 block and an opponent field goal percentage of 50+ percent). Another double-digit road loss? Check (95-76). Seven straight losses? Very check (and 28 overall). Said Raptors coach Jay Triano: "We need to do a better job of fighting through adversity. I don't know why, but when we get down, we seem to lose confidence and hang our heads a little." I'm not a sports psychologist or anything, but not being very good doesn't usually do much to boost team confidence.

Kwame Brown: Basketbawful reader jhaig left the following comment: "Originally from The Raptors Blog by Doug Smith: 'Action: A halftime stroll. Reaction: A strange, telling sight. Maybe this tells you everything you need to know about a guy. Walking down a hallway by the Pistons locker room at halftime, spied Kwame Brown coming out of the press room with a full bag of popcorn. Seems he'd ducked in to grab some food put out for the grunts and others.'"

The Phoenix Suns: Battered by a jillion in Boston and then neutered in New York? That's a sorry two-game stretch for a team that, in theory, has the talent to contend for a title. The Suns have now lost four of five, a slump that includes a home loss to the Timberwolves. Said Steve Nash: "Before this five-game stretch, I was feeling pretty good about our team and I felt like we had turned a corner, and so to take two steps back here lately has been frustrating. I'm not sure I have the answers for it."

Amare Stoudemire: Okay, STAT needs to spend less time filming cutsie videos to convince people he's an All-Star and more time playing like one. He followed up his stinker against the Celtics (3 points on 0-for-7 shooting) by shooting 6-for-17 against one of the league's worst defenses. Oh, and he got posterized by David Lee...


Shaq: The Big Geritol dropped 18 points on the Knicks in the first half but was held to a single field goal in the second as David Lee (25 points, 16 boards) soundly outplayed him. Said Lee: "When [O'Neal] was rested more in the first half, there's nothing I can obviously do to keep him from going where he wants to go. In the second half, I think he got a little worn down. That's what it's like sometimes on a road trip. I was able to keep running up and down a little bit." It sorta seems like teams can game plan for Shaq to quiet down as the game progresses. That's...great. Oh, and Shaq-ovic was only 5-for-13 from the line as the Suns missed 14 free throws in the 5-point loss. I'm just sayin'.

The Miami Heat defense: The fact that the Celtics shot 51 percent and dominated the boards (48-30) isn't all that surprising, I guess. But Eddie House set season-high by scoring 20 points in the second quarter! House finished with 25 on 9-for-15 from the field, which included 7-for-11 shooting accuracy from downtown. (It was Eddie's first 20-point game since -- you guessed it! -- he did it against the Heat in Miami on January 29, 2008.) Speaking of three-point shooting, Ray Allen was 5-for-6 from distance and the Celtics finished a season-best 15-for-25 from beyond the arc. Memo to the Heat: It's called "hand in the face." Try it. You'll like it. I think.

Shawn Marion: I think this snippet from the AP recap says it all: "Shawn Marion, who was limited to eight minutes -- he took treatment for a sore left groin throughout the day but wound up starting -- missed an easy dunk, perhaps the ultimate lowlight for Miami." No wonder Pat Riley's considering trading Marion for Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. That, in and of itself, tells you how far Marion has fallen of the "Most-coveted NBA Players" chart. Speaking of signs...

The Dallas Mavericks: A 33-point road loss to a sub-.500 team is a sure sign that this team is so far past it's freshness date that it's time to throw it away and buy a new box of Twinkies. The offense was putrid (36 percent shooting), sure, but the defense, oh dear lord in heaven, the defense! Milwaukee scored 133 points while hitting almost 58 [!!] percent of their shots for the game. Welcome to the NBA, Allas Mavericks! Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "The second quarter they shot 83 percent from the field. The third quarter they shot 74. I am just disappointed particularly in the way the second and third quarters came down. We're better than that, and we should be better than that." Added Dirk Nowitzki: "It's just embarrassing, really. They got whatever they wanted—wide-open shots, drives, layups." Hey, Dirk, here's a copy of that memo I sent the Heat...

Basketbawful reader Mladen added: "The Mavs starters' Plus-Minus scores were: -14, -19, -10, -12, and -22. Mark Cuban might just injure his neck soon. Oh, and in case you were wondering how did Cuban's prized possession Dampier did: 2 points (0-for-3 shooting), 8 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Although, he did get two blocks and he didn't miss a free throw. (The -10 belongs to him, so I guess that makes him the best starter last night.) Certainly worth the money they chose not to invest in Steve Nash."

Mark Cuban: Basketbawful reader Mladen sent this in: "And here's my favorite quote from the AP recap: '...but Dallas never made a run leaving Mavs owner Mark Cuban shaking his head just behind the bench.'" Mladen also noted that the headline on NBA.com was "Bucks Run Past Mavericks In Laugher." I don't think Marky Mark was laughing very much.

Comcast: Basketbawful reader Sam writes in: "I just hope no one from Seattle was watching in the Philly area..."


Update! Comcast, unintentionally dirty cable provider: AK Dave, regarding the above graphic, noted: "Comcast should get an unintentionally dirty mention for the 'Sports Packages' they have listed on that graphic." Seriously. And, uh, doesn't Comcast usually charge $5.99 for those special viewings? That's what I've heard, anyway...

The New Jersey Nets: The Hornets were without David West (back spasms), Tyson Chandler (left ankle) and Chandler's backup Hilton Armstrong (left knee). And, mind you, New Orleans is NOT a deep team. But they still dropped the Nets by double-digits as Chris Paul barely missed a triple-double (29 points, 9 rebounds, 8 assists). Nets coach Lawrence Frank said: "In the third quarter, frustration took over. We missed some easy shots, we got some fouls called against us. At times we did not take great shots."

Vince Carter: Despite the loss, New Jersey's fourth straight defeat, Vinsane was feeling good. "We let one slip away. But the positive I take out of it is that we were able to fight back and not lay down. We lost by 10 points or so, but I think guys continued to fight, continued to play hard just to chip away and try to get ourselves back in it. They just did a great job of closing us out." That's right, Vince! The glass is half full! (Of crap.)

Carlos Boozer: Yes, the Jazz lost, but here was Milsap's line: 20 points (9-for-15) and 12 rebounds despite limited minutes due to foul trouble. So, uh, Carlos who?

The Portland Trail Blazer defense: Rolling over for LeBron James (34 points and 14 assists) is one thing, but giving up a season-high 33 points -- including a career-high six 3-pointers -- to Mo Williams is a little less excusable. The Cavaliers shot almost 53 percent for the game and hit 11-for-19 from the Land of Three. Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "When you're opposing players like LeBron James and Mo Williams, especially at their best, you've got to be more aggressive." Gee, Nate, ya think?! Can I get that memo I made for the Heat back from Dirk and the Mavs so I can give it to the Blazers? Thanks.

The Sacramento Kings: A few days ago, I named the Kings the Worst Team in the League. And, as if to prove me right, they immediately dropped a home game against the worst team in the East. Way to step down to the challenge, Sacramento! The Kings, by the way, have yet to defeat an Eastern Conference team. It was bad enough that they let the Wiz score 110 points on 52 percent shooting, but here's some added perspective for you from the AP recap: "Having failed to score 100 or more points in 11 of the past 12 games, the Wizards went over the 100-point mark on a Darius Songaila basket with 5:04 left in the game." Wow, huh?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Oh, they are SO who we thought they were. Minus their four best players -- Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Chris Kaman (strained left arch), Zach Randolph (sore left knee) and Marcus Camby (sprained left ankle) -- the Clippers were forced to let Brian Skinner man the middle with predictably disastrous results: Andrew Bynum scored career-high 42 points (on 17-for-24 shooting) to go along with 15 rebounds. That made Bynum the first Laker other than Kobe Bryant to drop 40 since Shaq had 48 against Boston on March 21, 2003. Speaking of Kobe, he had his second triple-double in three games (18 points, 10 rebounds, 12 assists). It might be time to change the Clippers team name to "The Los Angeles Props."

The Golden State Warriors: It's never good to lose at home. It's even worse to lose to the worst team (record-wise) in the NBA. And it's even WORSTER to do it the way the Warriors did it: After scoring 121 points (which included a mind-boggling 38-for-40 from the charity stripe) on 52 percent shooting. Of course, that'll happen when you give up 122 points, the last 2 of which came on a buzzer-beater from Jeff Green. It was the Thunder's third road win of the season.

Don Nelson, quote machine: Alex B noted a little grumpiness in Nelson's post-game comments: "Not sure if you've seen this one, but here's what Nellie had to say about Jeff Green's buzzer beater that won the game for the Thunder against that lousy team of his. 'I don't believe (Green) called bank on the shot. I believe he shot it so poorly it went in. It was one of those shots.' Now I don't know if that's WotN material, but it sure sounds like a combination of sour grapes and desperately sad trombone to me. Especially since the Warriors had allowed 120 points prior to that game-winning shot. From the Thunder. At home." Alex, that is most definitely WotN material. Thank you.

NBA.com: Thanks to Josh, Gab V. and Pabjor for passing this along. Apparently, Derrick Rose is the most prolific rookie scoring machine in, like, forever. You'd think the Bulls would have a better record with rose averaging more than 1,600 points per game...


Lacktion report: Chris speaks, er, writes again:

Grizzlies-Bobcats: It looks like the Grizzlies will definitely have a starter for the All-Lacktion Team as Greg Buckner has honed the art of being a regular non-factor, showing up tonight with +1 (turnover) in 3:12. For Charlotte, Mark Cuban's Folly, er, DeSagana Diop proved why he recently earned a one-way ticket out of the Mavs, by grabbing a rebound that interfered with a solid three minutes of mediocrity (where he fouled twice).

Suns-Knicks: The matchup of the two Mike 'antoni squads past and present was full of offense and efense (yep, no D!) with both teams breaking the century mark. So could there still be some stunningly bland statlines? Oh yes -- Alando Tucker gave the ball away once for +1 in 4:02 for Phoenix.

Celtics-Heat: Patrick O'Bryant served as tonight's human victory cigar for Boston, netting Doc Rivers and his squad a solid 2.5 trillion fortune. But this one-time creation of wealth doesn't compare to the consistency of another probable All-Lacktion superstar, Yakhouba Diawara, who keeps the Heat's spot on the lacktion reports nice and warm. Diawara bricked thricely from past the arc for +3 in 7:44, while apparently Jamaal Magloire has become his apprentice, matching his teammate's +3 (in 6:21) via foul, missed shot, and turnover. Since the Heat are still in some way under Pat Riley's watch, the "ffense" approach (no O!) was only fitting, except that that also required a defensive effort that didn't happen, as the Celtics' run through slumpbusting teams continues.

Raptors-Pistons: With Jake Voskuhl not getting any court time this evening in Auburn Hills, Toronto needed a fresh face to live down to low expectations, and they got it in rookie Nathan Jawai, whose first game in the Association saw him losing the ball to the Pistons once for a +1 in 3:05. Jawai, originally picked by the Pacers but then sent along to the Raptors as a traveling companion for The Drain, was until tonight in the NBA D-League. This apparently gave him time to be interviewed by AOL Fanhouse about nearly being eaten by a crocodile. I wonder how many rookies over the years have racked lacktion in their first ever appearance, and how many of those folks have gone the extra mile to take home a bonus trillion. You only get one chance to make an unimpressive first impression after all!

Jazz-Rockets: Jarron Collins bricked once and took a foul to give Utah +2 in 5:20.

Wizards-Kings: Suckramento's Bobby Jackson missed two shots (once from downtown) for +2 in 5:50.

Cavs-Blazers: Tarence Kinsey is to lacktion what King Crab is to scoring - truly elite. And when called upon to do absolutely nothing in the name of bawful, Kinsey delivered this evening at the Rose Garden. He knocked in a 26 second Mario, a fine nonperformance alongside the equally brave effort of fellow Crabolier Darnell Jackson who earned a mention in the lacktion report with two fouls and a brick for +3 in 9:48. This is Kinsey's fourth unproductive game in six days, a very effective way to make a case that he unquestionably should be chosen for the Basketbawful All-Lacktion team. His combined stats in those four appearances? One foul in five minutes and four seconds spread out over 192 minutes of game time. I'm not sure we've ever witnessed a sustained run of pure nothingness like this before, but it is glorious.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba invited all the Lakers over to Luke Walton's place for an after-game party. At one point, he pretended to go to the bathroom but instead filled Luke's underwear drawer with women's panties. He then yelled out, "Hey, everybody! Luke's drawers! They're filled with lady's undies! Come look!" Now the rest of the team believes Luke likes to crossdress.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Dallas Mavericks, Kwame Brown, Memphis Grizzlies, Okafor Watch, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, those poor Seattle fans, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

Belated Cheryl Miller, quote machine: 747 commented: "I am really shocked nobody else noticed or mentioned the Cheryl Miller quote Machine. The greatest women's player ever can't say Barack Obama. If anybody caught it during the Celtics-Suns game: "Barama (gets flustered) Obama Barama (gives up on saying it right)." It's even funnier when you listen to it. So...do it.


The Indiana Pacers: After watching them lose (by my count) at least 18 close, winnable games this season, it was almost refreshing to see Indy get blown out 99-81 by the Spurs. It was pretty much what I expected from Jim O'Brien's "Mike D'Antoni-lite" offensive system versus Gregg Popovich's boa constrictor defense. The Pacers, who are currently fifth in the league in scoring at 104.2 PPG, netted 81 against the Spurs on 37 percent shooting. I'd say they are who we thought they were, but the truth is, I have no idea who they are anymore. Memo to Pacers: Who are you??

Still, the Pacers have to feel kind of bad, considering this is the same San Antonio squad that got routed by the Sixers and then barely finished of the Bulls and Bobcats. But the Spurs blasted the Pacers so badly that none of their big guns logged more than 26 minutes. Said Manu Ginobili: "We're not used to games like this. I don't know how many times it's happened this year. But we are very glad that we did have one." Translation: Thanks for sucking so badly against us, our fine Hoosier friends!

Danny Granger, quote machine: "Once the lead got close to 30, it was hard to make a comeback." Sad trombone!

The Chicago Bulls: [Shameless Plug Alert!!] You can read more about their failure at By The Horns, but the gist of it is that they blew a winnable game by turning the ball over 18 times, essentially gifting the Hawks with 22 free points...kinda like those bonus levels in Super Mario Brothers that are full of cold coins and no enemies. Of course, it doesn't help that they have no go-to guy, Derrick Rose can't get a call and Vinny Del Negro can't coach. Oh, and let's not forget...

Tyrus Thomas: His Jekyll and Hyde season continued last night, as T-Time followed up his strong game versus the Knicks (19 points, 10 rebounds) with a flatulent stinkbomb against the Hawks (2-for-7, 1 rebound, 5 fouls in 19 minutes). You know how some players get described as having a basketball IQ that's off the charts? Well, that certainly goes for Tyrus...only it's because no existing chart ranks low enough to measure his bball knowledge. He's like a T-Rex: Great big body, itty-bitty brain. Not nearly as scary, tho'.

Larry Hughes, team-first me-first machine: When Big Shot Larry found out that John Paxson is desperately seeking to dump his ginormous salary for anything anybody'll give him, the worlds most unselfish man -- just ask him! -- had plenty to say about it: "That's fine. I'm ready to play, whether it's here or somewhere else. played for some good coaches and on some good teams, and I've always been out there, so this is new for me. I'm just trying to stay positive. I'm still helping the guys out as far as telling them what I see and what I can help them with. I don't know how to react to it. At the same time, I'm not selfish. ... So I just kind of go along and try to support the guys who are playing, knowing my time is probably coming. It was unfair [because] I only wanted to play to help the team. And I wanted to produce because they're paying me a lot of money. I feel like I've let my team down because I'm not able to produce. That's what it all boils down to. I don't want to be looked at as a guy who's just earning a check and not producing. I just expressed that and, I thought, not in a negative way. But people can take it how they want to take it."

The Sacramento Kings: Okay, is anybody surprised they got slaughtered by 19 in Denver? Show of hands? Anybody? Yeah. Didn't think so. Not that I expect any better, but their defense was, well, it made me shudder like somebody had slipped me a ham sandwich filled with spiders. Like, those creepy daddy longleg types. They let the Nuggets shoot 56 percent for the game and make Linas Kleiza (27 points on 11-for-17 shooting) look like the second coming of Carmelo Anthony. Said Kings inmate Bobby Jackson: "Looked like lay-up drills for them. It was lay-up drill central, just like it has been all year." Now that there's a happy player!

Added Kings interim head coach Kenny Natt: "A bad, bad night for us, to say the least. We lost our focus and we gave up a lot of easy baskets, transition points. They got a lot of layups. We didn't defend hard and they took advantage of every opportunity that was there." It might be time to put Bobby and Kenny on NBA suicide watch. You know, along with every member of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Update! An anonymous commenter made the following observation: "Now I know you already mentioned the Kings in your WotN. And I also realize that +/- is not always the most reliable stat, but I still think this requires mentioning. When your +/- for 5 players on your team reads as follows: -22, -6, -23, -25, -22 and those are your starters, i.e. hypothetically your best players, you are an exceptionally bad team." SAD FACE for Sacramento.

Brad Miller: I keep seeing this guy's name surface in trade talk. And last night's line -- 2 points (0-for-4), 3 rebounds and 4 fouls -- just made me think: "WHY, GOD?! WHY?!" Gene Keady does NOT approve, Brad.

Carlos Boozer: Paul Milsap's line: 28 points (12-for-20, 4-for-4 from the line), 15 rebounds (9 of which were offensive), 3 assists, 2 steals and only 1 fouls in almost 42 minutes. I'm just sayin' go ahead and opt out, suckah.

Lacktion report: Chris continues to whisper sweet, sweet lacktivity in our ears:

Hawks-Bulls: So apparently the Hawks have been paying attention the lacktion report, as the suggestion for more playing time for THE Mario West was answered. Thankfully, Mario's performance tonight suggests he pays attention too -- as when given the choice between actually earning more playing time through productivity, or ensuring a place in another insomnia-curing writeup, he decided on maintaining his familiar spot here. Against Chicago, Mr. West nearly took down a 7 trillion, only to turn it into +1 in 7:12 via a foul. That type of on-court snoozing will undoubtedly bolster his case to be the starting guard for the Eastern Conference All-Lacktion squad. [Also, as one anonymous commenter pointed out: "You forgot to mention that Mario had a plus-minus score of -17 in his 7 minutes. Now that's lacktion!" ~Basketbawful]

Kings-Nuggets: Suckramento's Mikki Moore fouled three times and tossed a brick for +4 in an unproductive 8:36. On the other hand, Sonny Weems sadly denied his Nuggets a scoreline of fail, demoralizing lacktion enthusiasts with a steal that marred a near-six minutes of non-scoring (five missed shots, twice from downtown), a rejection, plus a foul.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba slipped a whole package of lunch meat under Luke Walton's covers. He also used his toilet without flushing. And I'm talking number two.

Labels: Brad Miller, Carlos Boozer, Cheryl Miller, Chicago Bulls, Danny Granger, fan submissions, Indiana Pacers, lacktion report, Larry Hughes, Sacramento Kings, Tyrus Thomas, Worst of the Night

What "ESPN thing," you ask? This one: "ESPN, TrueHoop, and many of the best independent basketball blogs out there are now officially working hand in hand as the TrueHoop Network. The TrueHoop Network, as fueled by the efforts of a growing list of favorite basketball bloggers and newly hired ESPN editor, and top-notch blogger, Kevin Arnovitz, will find and foster excellence in online basketball writing."

Follow the link provided above for the full scoop, but pretty cool, huh? And it so happens that I'm one of the founding members of the TrueHoop Network. But before you get the wrong idea, allow me to answer a few potential questions:

1. Does this mean Basketbawful is in the TrueHoop Network? No. I was offered the chance to migrate Basketbawful over to the Network but chose not to. I've said it before but allow me to reiterate: I feel a strong sense of responsibility to this blog and to its loyal readers. So, after 48 hours of furious internal debate, I decided that Basketbawful should remain unchanged and pure (or as pure as a site with recurring fart and man love jokes can be).

2. So...what are you doing for the Network then? I started a new blog called By The Horns. It's a fan blog covering Chicago Bulls.

3. Why in the name of the Green Goblin would you do that? Well, if I was going to join the Network but not as Basketbawful, I wanted to do something completely different than what I do here (or, for that matter, what I did while covering the NBA for Deadspin). I've never covered an individual team before, so it seemed like a fun new challenge for me, both personally as a fan and pseudo-professionally as a blogger.

4. Okay. But why the Chicago Bulls? I was given the choice of few different teams, including my beloved Celtics. But, in the end, I went with the Bulls because I live in Chicago. That makes the Bullies more accessible. I can attend games. I can read about the team, in detail, in the local papers. I can discuss it with people on the street. Quite simply, my physical location makes the process of running the blog, from a logistical standpoint, much easier.

Moreover, by landing Derrick Rose with the first pick in the 2008 draft, I'd like to believe that the Bulls are a team on the rise. Hopefully, I'll get to watch this team grow and greatly improve over the next few years. The Celtics? They're already on top. That means, unfortunately, there's nowhere for them to go but down. I don't want to record the eventual descent of a team in which I'm deeply emotionally invested. I'd rather chronicle the maturation of a young team with a budding (potential) superstar.

5. Is the new site going to be all serious and stuff? Yes and no. There will be more analysis and fewer one-liners. But at this point in my blogging "career," I am what I am. (Or, more accurately, I am who you thought I was.) By The Horns will feature the same wacky, sarcastic, off-beat humor complete with out-of-left-field references to cult movies, professional wrestling and video games. I'll probably reserve the man love posts for Basketbawful -- actually, Henry Abbott told me I pretty much have to -- but, let me put it this way, if you end up following By The Horns, there won't be any question in your mind that I'm writing it.

But remember that, as noted above, I'm new to this whole covering an individual team thing. Just as was the case with Basketbawful, it's going to take me a little time to develop a personality for By The Horns. To that end, I'd be open to any and all suggestions. If you want to take a few minute out of your time to help me out, let me know what kinds of things you like to see and read about on a team blog. Cool suggestions will help me run a cool site.

6. That's great and all, but how's this going to effect Basketbawful? I probably should have stated this up front, but Basketbawful will continue unaltered and unabated. I still plan to do Worst of the Nights and Weekends, Word of the Days, articles on pickup basketball, and posts about whatever else deserves to be mocked with prejudice. I will not abandon you!

However, at the moment, I'm not sure how the new workload is going to effect me. Statbuster, bless his dark soul, has been kind enough to stand in for me a couple times recently, and Chris, of course, has been handling the lacktion reports. There might also be some blips over the next few weeks, a missed post here or there. But I would like to think that I can and will continue to bring you the best of the worst of professional basketball...just as I have since 2005.

7. Promise? I promise. And thanks to everybody to has followed and contributed to this site (and hopefully will continue to do so). This wouldn't have happened without your support. If I've missed any questions, feel free to leave 'em in the comments section. I will answer them all. (Unless it's about my Gwen Stefani obsession. Please just accept that about me, okay?)

Labels: announcements, By The Horns, Chicago Bulls, ESPN, TrueHoop

While someone you know is carpooling to DC for the presidential tailgate party, here is what was going down in the NBAwful...

LeBron Vs Kobe, Round 1: Kobe insisted on being matched up against King Crab, but unforunately this marquee matchup turned into a defensive brickfest. Lebron went 9 for 25 with 6 turnovers. Kobe went 9 for 22 with 5 turnovers. Said LeBron: "Two of the ultimate competitors want to guard each over. We know we can contain each other. It's possible that who can contain the most can win the game." Well then, the Tupperware was in full effect tonight. Let's try this again on February 8th...

Amare Stoudamire: The Suns were given the Brooklyn Brawler treatment by the Celtics, getting squashed 104-87. But the worst part is that Amare went from averaging 21.8 ppg on the season, to a 0-for-7 night with 4 turnovers. Remember, in the Suns frontcourt, Amare's the one who isn't 36 years old, fat or has a bionic ankle.

Jerome James: James is out for the season with a ruptured Achilles. For those of you keeping track at home, the Knicks are on the hook for $12 million for 15 minutes of PT over two seasons. On the bright side, he probably was never sexually harrassed by Isiah Thomas.

Statbuster's draft predictions: Shortly after the draft, I had Kevin Love pegged as a All-Rookie first teamer, while Eric Gordon would be shipped to the Bakersfield Jam by December. I must have been having Calbert Cheaney and Greg Graham flashbacks. The Wolves and the Clippers went head-to-head again tonight. The result? 2 for 9 from Love for 6 points off the bench. Eric Gordon dropped 25 and is averaging nearly 21 ppg in January. Oops.

Sixers coach Tony DiLeo: When commenting on Reggie Evans' D on Dirk Nowitzki, "Reggie had a good feel for him...Reggie is a physical guy who did push him out and contested the shot." You know where this is going...

Jermaine O'Neal, denial machine: When asked about the boos during the Pacers game, "I thought ultimately the agreement between me and the franchise was that they wanted to start over. I never knew that I was the issue." Then, coming off the bench with a gimpy knee behind the on-fire Bargnani (22 ppg over last 5) was his idea: "I will come off the bench, ease my way back in. The big guy is rolling right now." Then asked about being traded to Miami, "I haven't heard that. I don't know about that." He later stated that, although he smelt it, he, in fact, had not dealt it.

Enver Nuggets: Was this game decided by Kenyon Martin's two missed free throws, or a textbook flop by Chuck Hayes? You decide, no right or wrong answers. But if you chose Kenyon Martin's FTs, you would be not-as-right as the other answer.


LaSalle Thompson: The Bobcats assistant coach denied my Myspace friend request. A while ago, back when Myspace was more like Facebook and less like Adultfriendfinder.com, I came across LaSalle Thompson's page in a random Pacers search. Assuming it was some sort of fan site, I sent a friend request. But instead of being accepted, I receive a not-at-all-friendly "Who's this? Do I know you?" I then had the awkward task of explaining to a minor celebrity exactly why I would want him on my friend list. Of course, I had nothing. I responded with, "Hey, you were awesome on the Pacers. What are you doing now?" or something equally inane. My request was denied and I never heard from him. But Steve Stipanovich really wants me to try these new ringtones.

The Chicago Bulls: Were done in by their prodigal son Chris Duhon. DuDu went from 'doubtful to play' due to back spasms to scoring 19, including driving past Kirk Hinrich for the layup that put the Knicks up for good, winning 102-98. Yes, Chris, we get it. You can actually play. You just chose not to from 2004 to 2008.

Ben Gordon: We speculated a while back that Medium Ben can't play alongside Kirk Hinrich. After last night's 3 for 15 outing, Ben is down to 12 ppg on 38% shooting during Cap'n Kirk's comeback cavalcade. A classic case of subtraction by addition?

Mike James, quote machine: Wondering who has your Mc Skat Kat tape? Check Mike James' locker: "Every win is a relief, and every loss is like taking two steps backward." 9 losses in 11 games? It ain't fiction, just a natural fact.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Kobe recommended that the LA Zoo put pictures of Luke Walton in the monkey cages, to prevent them from slinging poo and pleasuring themselves.

Update! Lacktion report: Would any day be complete without Chris' lacktivity summary?

Raptors-Hawks: Mario "The Mario" West got a longer-than-usual stint on the floor, knocking in a foul for +1 in 3:27. (I think he's an lock for the Basketbawful All-Lacktion team; even if he's more productive than most regulars on these writeups, he would probably be voted in by readers faster than an entire nation can click repeatedly for Yi Jianlian.) Another Atlanta lacktion specialist, Acie Law, went 2:03 with a +2 (brick and turnover).

Pacers-Hornets: Indiana's Marquis Daniels tossed a brick for +1 in 2:50.

Pistons-Grizzlies: Arron Affalo makes it two consecutive games of non-contribution for Detroit, going +1 (missed shot) in 3:53. Across the floor, Memphis's Greg Buckner has unnoticeably made a case to be an All-Lacktion selection, adding to his resume with a 2.25 trillion.

Cavs-Lakers: A few days ago, Cleveland unleashed four human victory cigars - and it seems like the folks over there prefer for their garbagemen to be out en masse whenever possible. This time around, in a second-half thwacking by the Lakers, the Crabaliers brought out a trio to sop up meaningless minutes, resulting in an amazing trio: three simultaneous performances of 1 trillion each by Tarence Kinsey (a potential All-Lacktion choice), Darnell Jackson, and Jawad Williams. Fellow crustacean Lorenzen Wright on the other hand chose to negate a fine non-contribution of two bricks, a rejection, and foul with one assist in seven minutes.
Sun Yue provided the life-giving illumination of lacktivity for Los Angeles, missing from downtown for +1 in a mere 31 seconds. (Imagine the furious mouse usage that would occur if Yue was on a fan-vote All-Lacktion ballot!)

Labels: Worst of the Night

Memo to Al Thornton: Welcome to Dan Gadzuric's poster. Population: You.
Happy MLK Day, everybody. I'm taking advantage of a rare day off to lounge around and watch the NBA...just like Dr. King would have wanted. But since I know some of you poor fools are stuck at work, here's an abbreviated Worst of the Weekend. And thanks to Jundi for today's pic.

The San Antonio Spurs: They got blown out by 22 in Philly as the Sixers shot 57 percent from downtown and Thaddeus Young scored a career-high 27 points. Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We're supposed to be a pretty good defensive team and it hasn't looked like it for a while. We're not the team we've been in the past couple years on the defensive end. It's really troubling." So troubling, in fact, that Gregg amended that statement prior to playing the Bulls on Saturday night to: "We suck at defense."

Elton Brand: The Sixers have won seven in a row and clawed their way back to .500...all without Brand. Memo to Elton: Your team is obviously much better without you. Sorry 'bout that.

The New York Knicks: They were up 87-81 against the worst-in-the-Eastern-Conference Wizards with 4:35 to play...then watched Washington go on a 15-0 run as they themselves missed nine straight shots. Fail. Said Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni: "It felt like somebody hit me in the stomach." Don't worry about Mike, though. After what the Suns went through against the Spurs during his tenure, he's used to that feeling.

Chris Bosh: The Craptors were down by only one point with just over a minute to go against the Pacers in Indy when Mike Dunleavy Jr. -- yup, you read that correctly -- suckered Bosh into fouling him on a three-point attempt. Funleavy then sank the free throws to force the dinos into extinction.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain returned from injury to face his old team and finished with 2 points (0-for-3), 7 rebounds, 2 turnovers and 3 fouls in a 111-104 loss. Wish I could say we miss you, J.O.

Whistle-happy officiating: Chris Paul got the old heave-ho in the final minutes of the Hornets' 92-78 loss to the Craboliers in Cleveland. What happened? I'll let CP3 tell the tale: "It's funn. I'm here in Cleveland a lot all summer. The two guys sitting courtside are two guys I'm with pretty often. They asked me what happened. I said, 'They called an offensive foul, ain't that a trip?' The referee heard me tell them that and he threw me out. I ain't got no reason to lie. I didn't say any curse words, but I got ejected. Do you think thats a reason to get ejected from a game?" Nope. Many thanks to the crew of Derek Richardson, Steve Javie, Tony Brothers for putting themselves ahead of the game.

The Detroit Pistons: Oh how the formerly mighty have fallen. In losing to the Thunder on Friday night, the Pistons suffered their first four-game losing streak since January of 2005. I mean, only 79 points against the Thunder? Really, guys?! And they followed up that most humiliating loss with a home defeat on Saturday to the Hornets. Said Allen Iverson: "Am I frustrated? Is there something beyond frustrated? That's where I am." Think how the Detroit fans feel, Allen.

The Phoenix Suns: Terry Porter spent so much time berating the league for the rotten officiating in Thursday night's loss to the Nuggets that he must have forgotten to prepare his team for Friday night's game against the Timberwolves. And Minnesota won it, in Phoenix no less. But, on the bright side, the Suns have scored 100 or more in a season-high nine straight games! Kevin Love dominated the paint with 17 points and 14 boards and the T-Wolves? They own the Suns for some reason.

Shaq: After rather infamously asking Kobe how his ass tastes over the summer, The Big I'm Sorry has spent most of the season kissing Kobe's butt-steak, going on and on about how they were the Lakers' best-ever one-two punch and openly pining for his days in L.A. The latest in Shaq's public apology mission was claiming on his Twitter that Kobe, not LeBron, should be this season's MVP. I wonder if Shaq actually watches any basketball when he comes to these decisions. I guess he's been spending too much time lately practicing his free throws (he was 8-for-11 over the weekend and is hitting a career-best 62.8 percent on the season).

The Sacramento Kings: Okay. With the Thunder on a little hot streak, I'm willing to go out on a creaky limb and pronounce the Kings to be the worst team in pro ball right now. I mean, how do you score 122 points on 52 percent shooting and lose to a sub-.500 team at home? Better ask the Kings. They know.

The Atlanta Hawks: Oh, hey, the gave up 119 points and lost to the then 11-win Golden State Warriors? They're now 3-6 since that eight-game homestand. And yes, I predicted this would happen and got mocked for it. By, like, two people, but still...I'm just sayin'.

Andrew Bynum: I'm still waiting for this kid to become the all-world center everybody claimed he was going to be after last season's amazing pre-injury start...of 13 points and 10 rebounds. Even at his best, he wasn't even putting up 36-year-old Shaq numbers. Again, just sayin'. But whatever. He's still "recovering." Okay. Sure. But that still doesn't excuse his getting outrebounded 20-3 by Dwight Howard in the Lakers 109-103 home loss to the Magic.

The New Jersey Nets: As bad signs go, a coach benching his two best players for the entire second half of a 20-point blowout is pretty bad. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank, who sat Vince Carter and Devin Harris for the final two quarters: "I was totally embarrassed by our performance. It starts with me and goes on to our main players. It was an embarrassing start to the game I decided to go in another direction." Vinsane, for his part, seemed rather apathetic. What a surprise. Said Carter: "He made the call so I have to live with it. It's not easy to do but he felt like we weren't giving much to the team and he made a decision to go with a different unit. It's like that sometimes." It is?!

Gred Oden: Emeka Okafor (22 points, 11 rebounds) gobbled up The Next Great Center (8 points, 3 rebounds) who also got posterized by Gerald Wallace before fouling out. Wanna see?


The Miami Heat big men: Yao Ming set a franchise record by going 12-for-12 from the field and looked like he was running a layup drill against his Heat defenders. At this point, Pat Riley is probably ready to beg Alonzo Mourning to come back...even if 'Zo could only play five minutes per game.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Marcus Camby got added to the Clippers list of injured non-players, which already included Zach Randolph, Baron Davis, Chris Kaman, Mike Taylor and Jason Hart, but Brian Skinner -- yes, Brian Skinner -- stepped in with 18 points, 8 rebounds and 4 blocked shots to help L.A. break their 12-game skid at the Bucks' expense.

Friday lactivity report: Chris comes through yet again.

Spurs-Sixers: Kareem Rush gave Philly a +1 in 4:40 via missed three.

Knicks-Wizards: It's not often that the Generals can unleash an lavish human victory cigar, but a 15-2 run to close out the Knickerbockers certainly provided the right moment for Juan Dixon to step in and bring home a 4 trillion fortune.

Hornets-Cavs: As the "New Orleans Bucs" (or so those alternate jerseys would have you believe) put up anemic offensive nombers at the Q all evening, the Crabaliers were able to bring out not one, or two, but FOUR human victory cigars! Lorenzen Wright scored himself a 3 trillion jackpot, while Darnell Jackson and Jaward Williams became Mario Brothers for 20 seconds. Tarence Kinsey made yet another appearance with one foul for +1 in 3:19 of walking celebration time on the floor. Oh, and despite the extreme stack of lacktion from Cleveland's bench, their bench outscored the "Bucs" reserves 21-10 (mostly powered by Wally Szczerbiak and his 14 bench points, still more than the Hornets' pine-riders combined.) Maybe Byron Scott's squad should've really gone retro and asked for the ABA tri-color ball as well? That could've helped them make a few more baskets on a rather painful night.

Bucks-Kings: Bobby Brown's scoreline was almost as empty as the seats at Arco Arena's upper deck: in 3:05, he gave the home team a +2 via two pieces of masonry from downtown.

Hawks-Warriors: THE Mario West managed to be productive in his usual excessively short stint, getting a field goal and a an offensive rebound out of his seven seconds of floor time. (If he had as much playing time as Mike Bibby, this would average out to a 782 point performance with 356 rebounds, so yeah, MAYBE Mr. West should get more playing time.) But never fear, someone else actually did notch some measurable lacktion for Atlanta, in this case Randolph Morris, who took a foul for +1 in only 55 seconds.

Saturday lacktivity report: More from Chris:

Celtics-Nets: In a game where Vinsanity saw bench time after scoring only 5 points...Josh Boone provided the only lacktion, giving the residents of Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place a +2 (giveaway and foul) in 4:12.

Blazers-Bobcats: Nazr Mohammed played a forgettable enough game in order to hopefully avoid being the next reason for a Larry Brown meltdown, missing three shots and fouling twice for +5 in 7:04.

Hornets-Pistons: 6:40 of floor time for Detroit's Arron Affalo netted a +1 (missed three).

Sixers-Knicks: The Sixers' Theo Ratliff is known by most long-time readers of Bill Simmons articles for his expiring contract, but he decided to acquire wealth a little differently tonight at Madison Square Garden, via a 3.75 trillion.

Heat-Rockets: Yakhouba Diawara is making a case to be on this season's Basketbawful All-Lacktion Team, with another unremarkable stint on the floor. In a full 7:03, he took +3 via a brick, a giveaway, and a foul.

Sunday lactivity report: Chris weighs lacktion-lite schedule:

Suns-Raptors: Alando Tucker and Jared Dudley were trillionaire twins for Phoenix, earning themselves quite a bit of revenue at the Air Canada Centre with 3.75 trillion and 2 trillion respectively. On the other hand, Toronto's Jake Voskuhl (a likely selection for a Basketbawful All-Lacktion Team) went against form and ruined his unproductive statline of two giveaways and a foul in nearly six and a half minutes by giving out one assist.

Kobe Bryant: Meh!

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Thanks to Ruben for today's picture.

The New Jersey Nets: Another night, another loss at home for the Nets, who are now 9-13 at the Izod Center. And the seldom-used Jerryd Bayless -- who's collected 20 DNP-CDs so far this season -- put them into the basketball-equivalent of the testicular claw by dropping in a career-high 23 points. A 30 percent shooter, Bayless went 6-for-9 from the floor and 11-for-11 fromt he line. Prior to last night, he had never scored more than 8 points in a game.

The Nets were actually in pretty good position to win the game until they got outscored 37-28 in the fourth quarter. Yeah. Defense: It's still pretty important. The loss was particularly bitter, coming as it did following a 32-point loss in Boston. Said Devin Harris: "It's frustrating. This is one we could have won and we let ourselves down in the end. It's tough defensively when we don't get stops and they get a high percentage of their shots to go in."

LeBrick James: His line -- 28 points, 14 rebounds and 7 assists -- looks pretty good...until you look a little more closely. King Crab also bricked 20 shots, clanked five free throws, and committed 8 turnovers. And let's talk about that 8-for-28 shooting. He missed four layups (three of which were blocked) and hit only three of his 16 jump shots. He also bricked his final 12 field goal attempts in regulation, including a 21-foot bailout shot that would have won it at the buzzer. (Thanks to Stephanie G. for the following graphic.)


On the subject of his shooting, broadcasters absolutely freak out when 'Bron nails an outside shot, but according to 82games.com, he's hitting only 41 percent of his outside shots compared to 74 percent of his inside attempts. So instead of crowding him, as the Bulls did for most of the game last night, wouldn't teams be better served to just back way off and let him fire away at will from the outside? Not only would that deny him the high-percentage chances he thrives off of, but it would help reduce the need for defenses to double-team and/or collapse him off of drives, which is how LeBron gets most of his assists (and how his teammates get most of their wide-open shots). I'm just sayin'...that's how I'd do it. And if he gets on a roll from outside, well, kudos to him. But the King and his Craboliers are much less dangerous when LeBron is jacking 'em up from distance.

Oh, and I guess you can kill all the Michael Jordan comparisons for a moment or too, since LeBron blamed his poor performance on his stuffy head and runny nose: "I absolutely had no lift tonight. Every time that happens, when I get sick, I miss layups -- layup after layup, things I usually make." So we finally know what can stop LeBron: The common cold. Just like those aliens in War of the Worlds! Wait...could James be part of the upcoming alien invasion?! Klaatu barada nikto, LeBron!

The Chicago Bulls: Big, huge, enormous win over the Cavs. No question about it. BUT...they needed a complete meltdown by LeBron and a couple "where did THOSE come from?!" threes from Luol Deng -- including one that bounced up five feet at least before dropping straight back down into the hoop -- to pull out an overtime win at home. (On the subject of Deng's two triples: He was only 4-for-13 from downtown this season coming into last night's game.) And the Cavs were without Zydrunas Ilgauskas (fractured left ankle), Ben Wallace (flu-like symptoms!) and Delonte West, who broke his right wrist in a collision with Derrick Rose in the first quarter. So give them credit for some scrappy play, but take note of the unusual circumstances.

Derrick Rose: I don't want to crack on the rookie too hard, since he had two huge three-point plays -- one with 4:50 left in regulation and another 52 seconds into overtime that gave the Bulls the lead for good. However, he also shot 6-for-20 and, even worse, he botched a chance to tie the game at 87 with 1:32 left...but bricked two free throws. And those misses could have cost his team the game.

The NBA Cares program: During last night's game, NBA Cares decided to highlight Larry Hughes' charitible work in the Chicago community, leaving the broadcast team in the uncomfortable position of having to explain why Big Shot Larry was rooted firmly to the Bulls bench. Thanks for everything you've done for Chicagoland, Larry. I hope you're as giving in the city you'll soon be traded to!

Reggie Miller, quote machine: I got the following email from Jeff R.: "Hey man, not sure if you caught the Cavs/Bulls last night, but Reggie Miller continued to baffle with his inability to speak English. Late in the game after LeBron beat Deng on a jump ball, he slipped retrieving the ball. They showed the replay and zoomed in on a two-foot long black skid mark Bron's shoe left on the floor. To which Reggie said: 'You can see the skid mark from his shoe calling the time out.' Now the Bulls did call a time out after LeBron fell and lost the ball, but it certainly wasn't LeBron's shoe or skid mark calling it." What can I say? I love Reggie Miller.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot scored five of his game-high 26 points in overtime to lead the 'Melo-less Nuggets to a win over the Shaq-less Suns. And he did it, apparently, despite a flu bug he's been fighting since...the end of December?! Said Billups: "Just trying to get through it. Once the game starts you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do." Uh, Chauncey, last time I checked, it's not normal for the flu to last more than two weeks. (But, according to one source, the "malaise" from the flu can "persist for more than two weeks.") I guess it just seems like Billups is being a little dramatic about being sick at a time of the year when pretty much everybody is suffering from flu-like symptoms. I'm sorry about the malaise, though, Chauncey.

Shaq: The Big Coffee Break had what Suns coach Terry Porter referred to as a "routine night off" and Robin Lopez (4 points, 2-for-5, 2 rebounds, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls in 22 minutes) didn't exactly fill his pretty pink tutu. His absence opened up the paint for Nene, who critically wounded the Suns with 17 points and 14 rebounds.

The Phoenix defense: In addition to Chauncey Billups' plague-ridden mastery and Nene's dominance in the paint, the Suns' D revived Linas Kleiza, who was 1-for-12 in his previous two games. Kleiza nailed his first five shots -- four of which were dunks -- and finished with 18 points on 8-for-11 shooting off the bench.

Terry Porter: I already mentioned Robin Lopez's 'bawful game. What I didn't mention was that Louis Amundson logged eight fewer minutes than Lopez but played much better: 6 points (2-for-3), 6 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. He even went 2-for-2 from the line! Which begs the following question: Why didn't Amundson start, and why didn't he get more PT than Lopez? At this point, Big Lou is the better player. How can Porter not see that?

Leandro Barbosa: This guy never fails to confound me. Some nights he's brilliant, some nights he plays like a special needs child. Last night was one of the latter occurences, as Leandro went 1-for-11.

Home cookin': It's reached the point where crying foul for the Suns earns people the "creepy leper" treatment. But really: Grant Hill was fouled on the final play of regulation and didn't get the call, putting a dirty cigarette butt into the skunky beer of a night in which the Nuggets enjoyed a 43-31 advantage at the line. Said Grant Hill: "Dahntay stuck his leg out and tripped me and I lost my balance. I ran into Nene at the same time. It was pretty obvious there was something there, but I guess the officials were scared to make that call. It's really disheartening for a team to go out and play hard as we did and it comes down to a play like that where an official has the right angle. He kind of swallowed his whistle."

The standard argument in these situations is that game-deciding calls aren't made in game-deciding moments. But it sure happened with Roger Mason the other night. Point is, a fouls is a foul is a foul. And they should be called equally at all times, not selectively based on the situation. And leastways, if anybody deserves some justice, it's Grant Hill. Hasn't the poor guy been through enough over the years?

Lacktion report: Looks like Chris got off easy last night...but a couple unfortunate players did not.

Blazers-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts is starting to become a rather predictable face in the lacktion report, throwing one brick for +1 in 3:40 of unproductivity for New Jersey.

Cavs-Bulls: Even in an overtime game, there's still room for fire flowers, fungi, and gold coins, as evidenced by the Crabaliers' Tarence Kinsey and his 19-second Mario.

Mark Cuban: This is a few days late, but, still...what a douche.


Kobe Bryant: Damn him for making me laugh against my will. (Thanks to Reef for the link.)

Labels: Chicago Bulls, daily Kobe, Lebron James, Mark Cuban, NBA Cares, New Jersey Nets, officiating, Phoenix Suns, Reggie Miller, Shaq, Terry Porter, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Sturla for providing today's top picture.

Elton Brand: His addition to the Philadelphia 76ers was supposed to transform them from plucky overachievers/up-and-comers to Eastern Powerhouse and potentially The Team to challenge Boston for conference supremacy. Yeah. That didn't work out so well. And the day after his injury, this is what I had to say: "Now, here's a little theory I have. Let's assume Brand misses, say, a month. You just watch. Philly will start fast breaking again -- which was their bread and butter last season -- and go on a little mini-streak in Brand's absence. Seriously."

Then they struggled through that 1-5 road trip and I felt like an idiot. Well, turns out it just took the team some time to adjust. But now they're running again and knocking down their threes -- including a season-high 11 of them against the Blazers -- and, wouldn't you know, they're on a season-best five-game non-losing streak. And the streak has included three victories against winning teams (Houston, Atlanta and Portland). So the evidence is right there in front of us: The Sixers play better and with more confidence minus Brand. Seriously, there were some grumpy mugs on that team up until they sped things up and Brand's shots got redistributed. Now, everybody's so darn happy again. Just ask Andre Iguodala: "Guys are just playing with a lot of confidence right now. We feel like we can make any shot. We're shooting with a rhythm, we're shooting with confidence, and more than likely, it's going to go in." Translation: "We don't have to walk it up the court and force-feed Brand anymore...and he's not really a 20-10 guy anymore anyway. Running and shooting is brought us success last year. Not a clunky halfcourt game." It'll be interesting to see how they'll work Elton back into the mix, and whether he'll be able to accept a lesser role in an offense that's running more and operating in the half court less.

The Portland Trail Blazers: They were down 16 after one quarter, 22 at halftime, and despite a 10-0 third-quarter run, they ended up losing by 21. That cost them the chance to move 10 games above .500 for the first time since 2002-03. Hopefully Darius Miles will play his 10th game soon so they can put that distraction behind them. [drips sarcasm]

The Detroit Pistons: One night after failing to close out a game against the Bobcats (15-24), th Pistons failed to close out a game against the Pacers (14-25). Okay, hold on. I have to throw up in my mouth a little because Charlotte has a better record than Indy. BLOARGH! Okay. I'm done. Anyway, just add "back-to-back losses to teams that are hovering around 10 games below .500" to the list of Reasons Why The Allen Iverson Trade Destroyed The Pistons. (And I only mean that the trade killed their chances to contend for the Eastern Conference crown. They're still 22-15. Just not a scary 22-15.) Rodney Stuckey, who had a game-high 30 points on 12-for-20 shooting, said: "We've got to finish game. That's pretty much it. We're kicking ourselves in the butt. We keep losing games like this, it's going to hurt us at the end of the season. Hopefully, we can figure it out and get it turned around."

Danny Granger: The Pacers might have put the Pistons away a little earlier had it not been for Danny's 6-for-20 shooting. In fact, I was positively cringing Granger was setting up the shot that sent the game to overtime. It was definitely one of those "NO, NO, NO...YES!" shots for me. Which was a good feeling, since the Pacers have typically had "NO, NO, NO...NO!" fourth quarters this season.

The Toronto Raptors: In the titanic showdown slapfest between two 16-teams, only one squad can reach win number 17. And normally, I'd pick the home team, particularly since the away team only had four road wins on the season. But, once again, the Craptors proved me way wrongo. Toronto fell victim to a 17-point fourt-quarter supernova from Derrick Rose. The Great Poohdini finished with 25 points (12-for-20) and 10 assists. But then, he HAD to step up his game in the absence of...

Big Shot Larry: Look who earned himself a DNP-CD last night. So, in the wake of his complaints about PT, Hughes has played seven minutes and zero minutes in back-to-back games. And here's what Bulls coach Vinny D had to say when asked about the situation after the game: "We'll figure it out as we go. Kirk will be out there. He takes pressure off Derrick [Rose] and puts defensive pressure on the ball. And we always get leadership." Notice the conspicuous lack of the words "Larry" and "Hughes" in Vinny's response? Yeah, me too.

Chris Bosh: He had a chance to tie the game with under 10 seconds left but, instead, all he got was an outpatient ego-ectomy from Dr. Joakim Noah. Yeah. Start watching at the 1:50 mark.


The Washington Wizards Generals: The Generals' freefall to nowhere continued last night as they shot nearly 60 percent from the field and scored 122 points. And lost. Mike James said: "It was almost like pickup basketball. We were talking at halftime. Some people said they've seen more defense on video games. You joke about that, but it's not a laughing matter." Unless you read Basketbawful, in which case it is very much a laughing matter. But I find that comment pretty interesting, coming, as it did, from a man known as "The Amityville Scorer." James, in case you're interested, has a career defensive rating of 109. That's points allowed per 100 possessions. This season, his defensive rating is 114.1 For some perspective, the worst defensive rating in the league (123.2) belongs to Golden State's Jermareo Davidson. And James is six spots ahead (which means behind) defensive stalwart Ricky Davis (113.1). I'm just sayin'.

In other news, Nick Young scored 33 points for Washington, setting a new career high for the third time in four games. Why, exactly, aren't they starting this guy? Do they just enjoy losing that much? And one last epithet: The Wizzers are now tied with the Thunder in wins with 7. But more on that below...

The New Jersey Nets: They shot 38 percent, committed 19 turnovers and got blown out in Boston by 32 points. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "They kicked us real good." That's not strong enough an analogy. Better to say, I think, that: "They kidnapped us, tortured us, and kept us locked up in a hole like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction." Okay. Fixed.

Paul Pierce, justification machine: Regarding Boston's "resurgence" against the Raptors and Nets after their 2-7 slump: "I thought we had a really big bump in the road these last couple of weeks with consistency, something we didn't have a year ago. Maybe it's something we needed to give us a gut check. When you go through something like that, you really find out what kind of team you are." You mean, like, not as talented or as deep as last season and suddenly a few steps behind the Cavaliers, Lakers and Magic in the race for this year's league title? That kind of team?

The Utah Jazz: This is the kind of travesty that the phrase "I'll be cow-kicked and hornswoggled" was invented for. As well as several other foul four-letter words I won't type out right now. A 21-point loss to the Klahma City Thunder?! I wouldn't be surprised to hear John Stockton dropped dead after he heard about his most shameful of losses. Heck, even Felton Spencer was probably embarrassed. And so was Deron Williams: "They outhustled us, they outrebounded us. We just didn't play tough at all." Think the Jazz missed Paul Milsap, who was out (again) with a bruised right knee? Put it this way: Nenad Krstic had 14 points and 11 boards. I guess Mehmet Okur isn't much of a frontcourt stopper. Speaking of which...

Mehmet Okur: After he scored his career-high 43 points against the defenseless Pacers, BadDave emailed me to say: "Okur blew his wad...for his career." His words seem pretty prophetic after Mehmet's follow-up against the Thunder: 9 points on 3-for-12 shooting.

The Klahma City Thunder: How can I tag them with WotN honors after they clobbered the Jazz? Because of something Dan L. wrote in to say: "The team that used to be the Sonics actually beat the Jazz last night, but the ESPN headline about that game read: 'Three reach 20's as lousy Thunder thump Jazz.' They are so bad that even when they win by 21 they're still called lousy." Yup. Ouch.

Dwyane Wade: The Heat won, yes, but I could hardly overlook his 17 points on 5-for-20 shooting, could I? But there's a reason! Just ask Pookie. He'll tell you. "Every shot I shot they hit me on my arm. That's why my shots were short." Awh. That gives me sad face, Dwyane. On the bright side, Wade had only 4 turnovers, so that's something. He continues to lead the league in that category, by the way.

Mario Chalmers: Did he accidentally drop his game in the toilet or something? The kid is falling off the map and out of Erik Spoelstra's rotation. He's 1-for-13 in his last three games and has scored zero, 4 and zero points. And he played less than 10 minutes in the two zero-point outings.

The Dallas Mavericks: Oh, hey, look. They lost at home to a better team. That's a surprise. And Jason Kidd's 7/7/7 line looked pretty feeble next to Chris Paul's triple-double (33 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists...plus 7 steals!!). According to Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "We just didn't play as good as a game that we needed to play." That's some pretty succinct insight, coach. Thanks.

DeSagana Diop: I haven't beaten this dead horse in a while, but some days you wake up cranky and just want to beat a dead horse. So here goes. I noticed that Diop earned himself a DNP-CD last night. It was his third in the last five games. On the season, Diop has scored 56 points and committed 55 personal fouls. He's averaging 3.5 rebounds and has accumulated only 25 blocks. Think Mark Cuban regrets signing DeSagana to that five-year, $32 million contract over the summer? Don't worry. It's just one of the many regrets he should have regarding his mismanagement of the Mavs over the last several years.

David Guthrie, Michael Smith, Sean Corbin: Much as it pains me to defend the Lakers, they got hosed by the officials twice in the final 12 seconds of the fourth quarter last night...which kind of sucks because it really detracted from a very exciting and well-played game. First, Roger Mason drew foul on Derek Fisher on what I like to call the Jump Flop, that move (invented by World B. Free and perfected by Reggie Miller) where a jump shooter kicks out his legs and flails during the shot. Fisher clearly tried to evade contact but got tagged with the foul anyway. Mason dropped the free throw to give the Spurs a one-point lead. Then, on the Lakers' final possession, Trevor Ariza got called for a travel after taking only two steps. Plus, it sure looked like he got tripped up a little. Go ahead and take a gander at both plays.


Now, the Ariza play might not have mattered all that much since he missed the shot and the clock would have expired during the ensuing battle for the rebound. But Mason's three-point play turned out to be the game-winner. If the ref hadn't fallen for his Jump Flop, then AT WORST (for the Lakers)the game goes to overtime. Big win for the Spurs, but it doesn't exactly convince me that I'm wrong to say they aren't a true contender anymore. I mean, L.A. was playing the second of back-to-back games with a bench shortened by injuries. I'm just sayin'.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Hey, look, the Clippers lost by 17 at home. We all know who they are.

The Golden State Warriors: They dropped a triple-overtime decision to a Kings team that, coming into the game, was stuck on nine wins. Home court fail.

Yahoo! box scores: According to the box score from the Kings-Warriors game, Jamal Crawford had a Super Mario. All I can say is: Wow...35 points in six seconds? Without doing any research whatsoever, I have to say that's the most efficient performance in NBA history. Thanks to Panki for sending in this graphic:


Lacktion report: Via Chris, who I think has become the official Basketbawful intern:

Blazers-Sixers: Ike Diogu earned a solid two trillion jackpot for Portland, while Philadelphia's Kareem Rush was a +1 (brick) in 2:38.

Bulls-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl is once again the Craptors' repeat offender for the lacktion report, turning the ball over once and taking a foul for +2 in a 2:42 nonperformance.

Wizards-Knicks: One foul and a missed three turned a potential Mario for Washington's Oleksiy Petrov into a 38 second session of suck at +2.

Heat-Bucks: Yakhouba Diawara continues to log lacktion for the Heat, taking a foul and throwing three bricks from downtown for +4 in 7:21. With 30 seconds to go in the game - in a game Miami was only leading by TWO POINTS, mind you - he entered the game again to relieve Chris Quinn, presumably to increase his total duration of on-court catatonia. And in a bizarre exchange of bench jockeys, Diawara went back to the pine with 16.4 remaining for Quinn to return, only for the two to switch off again with 14.7 ticks on the clock left (in the middle of two D-Wade free throws). That wasn't the end of it though, as Diawara went back to the bench with 9.8 seconds remaining, after a timeout. Oh, and Yakhouba's teammate Mario Chalmers put in a surprisingly unimpressive near-lacktion sequence as a starting guard: one rebound barely provided a positive effect on the scoreboard, with a brick, foul, and three giveaways littering a nine and a half minute run of fail.

Jazz-Thunder: In a shocker, the Klahoma (one O!) City Thunder thwacked the Jazz around, 114-93. Morris Almond and Jarron Collins played the role of sucky siblings for the night, each giving Utah a +1 in 2:07 of concurrent pointlessness (Almond via a missed shot, and Collins via turnover).

Hornets-Mavs: Hilton Armstrong turned the ball over once and fouled twice for New Orleans, a +3 SD in 4:16.

Lakers-Spurs: The world of lacktion does not revolve around Sun Yue, and in 1:21 of floor time, he showed why by breaking up a potential trillion with one annoyingly positive contribution (a steal). However, in one of the bigger names to show up in the lacktion report so far, Bruce Bowen missed from downtown and fouled twice for +3 in 6:04!

Kobe Bryant: After the game, Kobe turned to Luke Walton and said, "Hey kid, sorry I've been so hard on you lately. Wanna go out, maybe get a beer, just kinda get to know each other better?" Luke, taken aback, said: "Really?" To which Mamba replied with a sneer, "Hell no, not really. How could you have possibly thought I was being serious? Jesus." Then Kobe walked away shaking his head. The he came back a few minutes later, looked Luke right in the eyes and said, "You really thought I was serious?" Then he walked away again, looking even more disgusted.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, DeSagana Diop, Elton Brand, Los Angeles Clippers, Mario Chalmers, New Jersey Nets, officiating, Paul Pierce, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

(Statbuster is Basketbawful's stunt double today. Remember, if you don't have anything nice to say...blog about it.)

Kings Defense: They let up 139 points at home against the Magic, including an NBA record 23 3s. Someone, anyone, please, hand in the fa...ah, screw it. They countered the long range onslaught by playing Kenny Thomas 3 minutes. It didn't work.

Detroit Pistons: Losing at home to a team with 5 road wins will get you an auto-mention on WotN. In the closing seconds, Ray Felton broke down Rodney Stuckey AI-style at the top of the key and hit the jumper to clinch the game 80-78. A.I., on the other hand, had a Ray Felton-style 12 points and 4 turnovers. The Bobcats have been playing much more gooder since trading away Jason Richardson. Who would have thought that rebuilding your team around Boris Diaw was a good thing?

Charles Barkley: Is out of T-Mobile's Five. If they try to replace him with Jeff Hornacek and Tim Perry, I'm switching to Sprint. Seriously.

Randy Foye: Played awesome in a home loss against the Heat, but also has an amusing medical condition called situs inversus. In other words, his internal organs are all reversed compared to a normal person, Bizarro-style. So...if someone told him to "follow his heart", would he run backwards? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Memphis Grizzlies: Are one Darius Miles game away from possible litigation from season ticket holders the Blazers. And one game away from an awesomely awkward conversation with GM Chris Wallace in the People's Court hallway. First Darko Milicic and formerly Kwame, then Mike Conley, now Darius Miles. The Griz are an Adam Morrison and Michael Olowokandi away from completing their NBA Lottery Bust Museum.

Kyle Lowry, quoteologist: After losing to the Cavs by 15, "We try to bounce back, but the balls keep bouncing the wrong way." Outplayed, but never out-punned.

Kobe Bryant: With Knee-Mac and Con Artest out, Mamba saw he was matched against "The Cookie Man" Von Wafer and turned the clock back to 2006. The result? 33 points on 32 shots. How'd Wafer do? The Man They Call Necco held his own and scored a career-high 23. A late Kobe three and two missed FTs from Rafer Alston kept this one from ending very badly for LA. The Lakers are under .500 this year when Kobe takes 25 shots or more. Again, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

The Mavericks "Backcourt": Despite 44 from Dirk, Dallas lost a close one to the Nuggets 99-97. This may or may not have something to do with Jason Kidd, Antoine Wright and JJ Barea combining for 3-23 shooting and 8 turnovers. In a completely unrelated story, Devin Harris is 5th among Eastern guards in All Star Game voting. Polls close January 19th!

Atlanta Hawks: Joe Johnson is shooting under 30% in his last 5 games against the Suns. The fine tradition contined Tuesday night, with a 4-21 shooting night in a 107-102 loss in Phoenix. Even worse, Mario West was held Mario-less. Even worster than that, Shaq is now Croatian.

Chris Andersen: When he needed eight tries to make a dunk during All Star Weekend, what was the real problem? He was too close.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Kobe and Luke Walton visit The Bunny Ranch. Luke goes into the room with the escort first while Kobe waits outside. When he's done, Luke closes the door behind him and says, "Don't waste your time, man. My girlfriend's better." But Kobe goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Damn, Luke, you were right. Your girlfriend isbetter."

Update! Lacktion report: [Statbuster did an awesome job filling in, but I still wanted to include Chris's daily lactivity update. Posts could be spotty over the next few days. I promise there's a good reason. -Basketbawful]

Bobcats-Pistons: While Amir Johnson blocked a shot to prevent his nine and a half of mediocrity at his home court in Auburn Hills from becoming noteworthy (due to the four fouls and a turnover he was working on), Charlotte's Adam Morrison came through in the non-clutch and took +1 (brick) in 3:33. And yet the hallmark of Michael Jordan "management skills" managed to outscore the Pistons 18-10 in the final frame, taking an 80-78 victory. (Pistns if this keeps up?)

Cavs-Grizzlies: Jawad Williams didn't make good from downtown for the Crabaliers, racking +1 in 1:19; his teammate Darnell Jackson however wanted no part of the fun and productively added a rebound to his scoreline, negating a four-foul and one-brick performance in eight minutes.

Lakers-Rockets: Sun Yue rises to the occasion, with a near-3 trillion (2:53 of lacktivity to be exact).

Mavs-Nuggets: James Singleton transformed a 7 second Super Mario into a sucky session of +1 via one foul, not exactly the high-powered insider trading that warms Mark Cuban's heart.

Hawks-Suns: Jared Dudley felt like being Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly, earning for Phoenix a scintillating 3.5 trillion!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charles Barkley, Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, Dallas Mavericks, Detroit Pistons, Kobe Bryant, Kyle Lowry, Memphis Grizzlies, Randy Foye, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Trust me, it makes sense. You just have to keep reading...
The Washington Wizards Generals: Last night's come-from-ahead loss -- at home to the Milwaukee Bucks -- was the 12th defeat this season they've suffered in which they've held a lead in the fourth quarter. The collapse dropped them to 7-30 and officially broke Antawn Jamsion's will: "We know it's a problem, but it's something that hasn’t been fixed yet. Until we get it done, we're going to continue to struggle and continue to be one of the worst teams in the league. We're accustomed to a certain atmosphere in this organization, and right now this is not what we're accustomed to, so this is the toughest it's been for me. I hate losing. I don't think anybody can take anything positive about what we've accomplished so far and where we're at. So we've just got to do what a lot of teams have done -- fight, plug away, make changes and go toward the future, I guess." Whenever somebody finishes a diatribe like that with "I guess," they've either given up or they're right there.

And who can blame him? The 7-win Wizards are a single win ahead of the Thunder. In losing to the Bucks, Washington dropped its fifth straight game...a streak that includes four straight failures against a sub-.500 team.

Ed Tapscott, quote machine: One thing you can count on when a team loses as often as the Wizards is that the analogies for failure given by the coach during the postgame press conference become increasingly creative as the season progresses. In that spirit, this is what Tapscott had to say last night: "Don't you get the feeling like we’ve seen this movie before?. We're like a writer with writer's block. We can get the first couple of chapters written fairly efficiently and fairly well, but getting to the ending -- we just can't seem to write the correct ending." Hey, no wonder Antawn is so depressed! It's like he's reliving the ending of Signs over and over and over again. That would bum me out too.

The Toronto Raptors: I guess we'll have to start calling them The Slump Busters. The previously slumping Celtics won their second game in a row by defeating the Craptors in overtime in Boston. And just as Ray Allen torched them for a season-high 36 points on Sunday, Paul Pierce lit them up for a season-best 39 points on Monday. I hope nobody on Toronto's roster comes anywhere near a dead serial killer like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees; we don't need them bringing one of THOSE guys back to life too.

Now, while it's true that "No Way" Jose Calderon and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal were still out with injury, the already depth-less Celtics were missing Kendrick Perkins and Tony Allen, and Perkins' absence forced them to start (get ready for it) Brian Scalabrine for the second straight game...and Veal had 8 "clutch" (according to the AP recap) points in the third quarter. Oh, and Truth scored his 39 on a bum knee. But hey! They held Ray Allen to 12 points! And Roko Ukic was pretty excited about that: "Ray Allen, except for a three (in overtime) didn't really do anything, but they're a deep team." They're a deep team? Does anybody know of Roko actually follows basketball at all?

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: Regarding Pierce's awakening from his offensive coma: "Y'all need to start playing some of that 'Superman' theme music in the building when he's going like that. I'll be Batman. I'll be Robin. I'll be anybody you want me to be. I’ll be the garbage man. But this is Clark Kent right here.”

Chris Bosh: Okay, so if Pierce was Superman and KG was Robin, then I guess Bosh was Aquaman...by the end of the game, he needed somebody to rescue HIM. Garnett pulled a David Copperfield and made Bosh CB4 disappear, limiting Mr. Toronto to to 1-of-4 shooting in the fourth quarter and completely shotless in overtime. Said Bosh: "You work hard to get open, then [Garnett] overplays you. And then he has help behind him." Awh. Sorry you have to perform against an NBA defense, Chris. Hopefully, next time, they'll just let you shoot.

The Klahma City Thunder: It's like, at this point, they're TRYING to find new ways to lose. Last night's folly was (in addition to the 23 turnovers) giving up a career-high 31 points to...Brook Lopez?! Oh yeah. Lopez was 10-for-17 and also chipped in 13 rebounds and a couple blocked shots. And now the Thunder are 6-33. But unlike Antawn Jamison and Ed Tapscott, the Thunder players and coaches seemed upbeat and almost giddy about the loss. Said Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "It was a good effort on the road. We had a chance to win with a half-second left. We'll take that. The effort was good." Added Russell Westbrook: "We're putting ourselves in every game." We're just one step away, one shot away from winning the game. If we just keep doing that, we'll be all right." Uh huh. I hate to tell him, but his team isn't going to be "all right" any time soon.

Lawrence Frank: The Nets had to take the game into overtime to overcome the Thunder, but they should have won it in regulation. And they WOULD have...if not for Frank's little boo-boo. Vince Carter caught a pass from Devin Harris and hit what appeared to be a game-winning three-pointer with nine seconds left. Only the shot didn't count because Frank had run onto the court to call a time out. You can watch it play out starting at the 1:23 mark:


Said Vinsane: "It was set up perfect for me but he thought we were scrambling. He wanted to get a good play. We did a good job in overtime to find a way to win. It would have been a terrible way to lose a game." No kidding. And Frank knew it. "Oh man, I felt horrible. We were a little bit scattered. I called the time out when Devin had the ball, and then obviously he passes and Vince hits it." Harris missed a jumper with 0.5 seconds left and the Thunder couldn't even get a shot off after that, so the game went to overtime and, fortunately for Frank, the Nets pulled it out.

Amusingly enough, K.C. Jones once did that to Larry Bird...


The New Orleans Hornets: I know I dubbed the Craptors "The Slump Busters" several paragraphs ago, but the Hornets are trying to usurp that title. The Knicks were on the last leg of a four-game road trip -- following losses to the Thunder, Mavericks and Rockets -- yet still managed to upset the Hornets in New Orleans. David Lee had 24 and 8, and New York held the Buzzers to 38 percent shooting while dishing out 30 assists. For some perspective, the Knicks had accumulated 45 assists total in their previous three games. Said David West: "When they came out and made us defend them, they were moving the ball with five, six or seven passes every trip they made. They really dug in and made that third and fourth effort. They've got a bunch of guys that can really shoot the ball." So...they played good basketball and you were completely unprepared for it? Okay. I mean, yeah, I know they're the Knicks and all, but, uh, yeah.

(West was 6-for-20, by the way.)

Eddy Curry: They just wouldn't be the Knicks without a shameful and embarrassing distraction, right? And wouldn't you know: It's another sexual harrassment suit! Yes! And it counts! But this one is even more bizarre than the last...if you can believe it. Curry -- who who made his season debut on January 8th at Dallas and then missed the next two games with right knee soreness -- is being sued by his former driver, David Kuchinsky, for, well, you know what? I can't possibly embellish this one any further, so here's the scoop:

Knicks center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sex-harassment suit Monday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 hoopster tried to solicit gay sex from him.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racial discrimination, saying that Curry hurled slurs at him including "f---ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

And in a disturbing episode reminiscent of some of the evidence in the manslaughter case against former Nets star Jayson Williams, Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a "fully loaded" gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.

"Look, I have one in the chamber," Curry allegedly said.

Oh, I just BET he had one in the chamber. As much as I don't like Curry, these allegations are a little hard to believe. I mean, first of all, based on the way Eddy plays defense, he's clearly intent on avoiding any and all contact with other men. Then there's the whole thing about Kuchinsky being a convicted felon. Yeah, Kuchinsky once received a three-year prison sentence for a 1992 burglary in New Jersey as well as three years' probation in a 2004 resisting-arrest case. Kelly Saindon, Curry's lawyer, is naturally denying everything and trying to discredit Kuchinsky based on the whole "criminal past" thing. Said Saindon: "It's shocking that Eddy opened his home to a convicted felon out of prison, and gave him a job when he couldn't find a job, and this is what comes out of it. The entire thing is preposterous."

Preposterous? Yes. But that doesn't mean it's not true. In fact, in my experience, it's usually the most absurd and unbelievable things that end up being true. More on this case as it continues, and many thanks to everybody who wrote in about this.

The Chicago Bulls: They held down Brandon Roy (11 points on 3-for-13 shooting) and LaMarcus Aldridge (8 points on 3-for-8). That's good. But, nonetheless, they lost by 15 at home to the Blazers. That's bad. The loss might have had something to do with Travis Outlaw (season-high 33 points) and Greg Oden (17 points and 13 boards). Memo to the Bulls: You have to defend EVERYONE on the opposing team. Well, in most cases. Okay, more like 50 percent of the time. But still. And the Bullies can't lay this one on injuries; Luol Deng and Kirk Hinrich both returned, although their play was a little spotty (Deng scored 14 points on 3-for-10 shooting and Captain Kirk was 2-for-5 for his 4 points).

Oh, and Larry "Trade Me, Trade Me, Please God Trade Me!" Hughes? He logged a mere seven minutes. See what happens when you complain about PT, Larry? You get punished. Although somebody should mention to Vinny and John that sitting him isn't going to do anything to increase his trade value.

The Indiana Pacers: Okay, seriously, can they guard ANYBODY?! The Jazz are still missing Carlos Boozer and were also without Boozer's replacement, Paul Milsap, who was out with a bruised knee. And their bench got outscored by Indy's reserves by an astonishing 46-9. But it hardly mattered since Mehmet Okur dropped a career-high 43 points to go along with Andrei Kirilenko's season-high 23 (with 12 rebounds) and Deron Williams' double-double (23 points and 11 assists). The Turkish Assassin was 13-for-19 from the field, 3-for-4 from downtown and 14-for-15 from the line. Remember when MJ dropped 63 on the Celtics in '86 and Bird famously claimed "It was God disguised as Michael Jordan"? Well, I think this was Michael Jordan disguised as Mehmet Okur. That's the kind of terrible power the Pacers' defense wields over time and space.

Lacktion report: Here's more lactivity from Chris. Hey, Chris, you're doing a great job with these things. Now come and look at me, Chris. Look. Touch it, Chris. (I'm kidding. Really.)

Bucks-Wizards: Although Dan Gadzuric ruined a 5.6 trillion treasure via one rotten rebound, his Milwaukee teammate Tyronn Lue gave his all to rack up some non-effort statistics, taking a foul and bricking a three for +2 in 2:13.

Thunder-Nets: Klahma lacks O's, and in their unsuccssful overtime game against the residents of Brendan Byrne Arena, Chucky Atkins made sure to keep the O's locked away with a 49 second stint that netted him +1 (foul). The home team wanted in on the lacktion though, with repeat offender Chris Douglas-Roberts sneaking in a 3 second Super Mario!

Raptors-Celtics: The Raptors have served as a good cure for what has ailed the Celtics lately, and in response, Doc Rivers felt it necessary to bring out the shortest-fused human victory cigar of late: Patrick O'Bryant, who racked up ONE SECOND for a remarkably forgettable Super Mario!

Pacers-Jazz: One foul gave Utah's Morris Almond a +1 in 3:49.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba spent the entire practice saying "You want fries with that?" every time one of the Lakers said something too him, even when one of the trainers was explaining his grandmother just died.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Eddy Curry, Indiana Pacers, sexual harrassment, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

The following video -- via BlazersEdge and TrueHoop -- just surpassed both Italian Spiderman and The Creatures The World Forgot as My Favorite YouTube Clip of All Time.


Hmm. I wonder what little Taylor is going to learn to say about Darius Miles and the Memphis Grizzlies. I'm guessing that'll be NSFW.

Labels: kids say the smartest things, Kobe sucks, Portland Trail Blazers fans

The Memphis Grizzlies: A 21-point road loss at the claws of the Raptors wasn't all that surprising, I guess, but their "effort" on defense was notable in that they surrendered 55.6 percent shooting...which represents the dinos' season-high for field goal accuracy. And mind you, the Raptors were still without Jose Calderon and Jermaine O'Neal. [Mentally prepares self for series of "Are they better without...?" articles/blog posts about the Raptors minus Ocho and The Drain.]

Andrea Bargnani: Uh oh. Bargs is beginning to fall way behind in the race for Worst First Overall Draft Pick of All Time. He had 21 points (8-for-14) and 8 rebounds against Memphis, and he's averaging 21.7 points as a starter in the six games The Drain has missed. In fact, Bargnani's knocked down 19 three-pointers during his six-game romp (including 3-for-4 against the Griz). Be warned, Andrea. You're close to losing "automatic punch line" status here at Basketbawful.

The Atlanta Hawks: Going into last week's home-and-home series with the Orlando Magic, Atlanta's Josh Smith said: "There's no doubt these two games are huge for us, for both teams really. We have to go into them with a playoff mentality, because this week can either put us back two losses on the division leader or we can win and keep moving on up that ladder to catch them and everybody else down the road." Hawks coach Mike Woodson agreed with that assessment: "There's no doubt that when you see a team on a back-to-back you have to treat it like a playoff set." If that really was the case, then the Hawks playoff aspirations are looking about as good as the very first (and creepiest) McDonald's commercial.


On Wednesday, the Magic built a 21-point lead and held on for a 4-point win in Atlanta. Then, on Friday, they tore the dirty birds' wings off. Here's an email I received from Basketbawful reader Justin T. early on in the game: "It's Orlando up 52-18 right now. That's right. In fact, it's JJ Reddick 12, Hawks 18. In the second quarter. What a monstrous turd." (No, no, no. THIS is a monstrous turd.)

And after that, things...didn't get better for the Hawks. In fact, there was so much fail in the game that it's hard to summarize it all. But I'll try anyway. The Magic scored a season-high 41 points in the first quarter and tied their season high for a half (71) and a game (121). Meanwhile, the Hawks were held to 25 percent shooting in the first half (10-of-40), after which they were down by 38 points.

Orlando's starters combined to shoot 24-for-39 from the field (including 10-for-13 from distance) while Atlanta's starting five went 15-for-48. Only Joe Johnson pecked and scratched his way to double-digits...with 11. To provide some perspective, J.J. Redick came off the bench and scored a season-high 15 points. Yes, Redick outscored every single member of the Hawks' starting lineup. Need I say more? Yeah, didn't think so. So I'll let coach Woodson close out this entry: "I'm not real happy. We just didn't compete tonight and it started with the five guys that started the game. That's unacceptable. We've got to go back and address that. I want these guys to understand that's unacceptable." I guess we'll find out on Sunday whether they got Mike's message. (Spoiler Alert: They didn't.)

The Los Angeles Clippers: What does their 27-point loss to the Hornets -- in which Rasual Butler scored a season-high 27 points -- tell us? Only that they are who we thought they were.

Mike Dunleavy, excuse machine: Back-to-back losses by a combined 49 points -- even when a team is without Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Chris Kaman (foot) and Zach Randolph (left knee) -- is bad. But Dunleavy is always there with a precise excuse justification for his team's lifeless, defenseless performance: "We had good effort but we played last night and the back-to-back games get tough on you. We're playing only seven or eight guys." And when those seven or eight guys are coached by Mike Dunleavy, well, don't expect a miracle.

The Houston Rockets: They managed to avoid the dreaded post-Celtics hangover. Barely. I mean, a 2-point win over the Thunder? Blech. Said Yao Ming: "We just beat the Celtics. You don't want to lose here. That was in my head." You know what else was in his head? Teenage Catgirls In Heat.

The Klahma City Thunder: Well, yeah. They failed to capitalize on the Rockets' lethargic play and fell to a truly dreadful 5-32 in the process. Down only 2 points with 1:36 left, the Thunder missed three straight shots -- two by Kevin Durant and one by Russell Westbrook -- and committed a turnover (Durant slipped and bumbled the ball out of bounds) that killed any chance at a comeback win. And Thunder coach Scott Brooks seemed traumatized by it after the game: "We have to get stops in the fourth quarter. We have to learn to get good shots in the fourth quarter and not make turnovers in the fourth quarter. We still have to learn to close things out in the fourth quarter." Translation: FOURTH. QUARTER. FAIL.

The Boston Celtics: How far have the Celtics fallen from grace? Forget the fact that Friday night's loss to Cleveland was the seventh in their last nine games or that the Cavaliers have clearly passed them -- as have, it seems, the Magic -- as The Team To Beat In The East. No, the surest sign of Boston's growing desperation was when Doc Rivers went to the Hack-a-Ben strategy in the fourth quarter. And after the game, the Celtics second-worst defeat of the season, Doc Rivers was scrambling around trying to rationalize the latest loss. "We have some money in the bank with the 19-game winning streak. We're making a withdrawal we don't want to make right now, but we're still 29-9. This is a tough stretch. I don't like it. But we're going to right the ship. When? I don't know." Nice analogy. But considering the utter lack of depth and their inability to acquire any (due to the dearth of available free agents and a complete absence of anything resembling trade bait), it's more like the Celtics have maxed out their credit cards and are trying madly to tranfer balances around just to cover their minimum payments.

Paul Pierce: Mr. "I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player." didn't even make it into the top five players in Friday's Celts-Cavs game let alone the entire league. LeBron lit him up on offense (38 points on 13-for-25 shooting) and shut him down on defense (11 points on 4-for-15 shooting). And Pierce hit two or three of those shots against Wally Szczerbiak in the fourth quarter. Truth also had 5 turnovers and only 1 assist. This seems as good a time as any to mention that Paul's currently hitting 43.7 percent of his shots, which is the third-worst mark of his 11-year career. Lesson to the kiddies: Overconfidence can be a curse.

Danny Ainge: The Celtics have been missing James Posey all season and especially during their recent slump. But his absence was never more glaring than against the Cavs. Having somebody who could have hit a shot in the fourth quarter would have been nice and stuff, but mostly they missed Posey's relentless defense on LeBron, who had his way with any and every Celtic who dared to guard him. (They, uh, were guarding him...right?) But hey, at least Boston won't have that extra $6 million on their payroll three years from now!

Bobby Simmons: He hit a three-pointer with nine seconds left to tie the Nets-Bucks game at 102 and then made a rude, taunting gesture toward the Milwaukee bench. It would have had more effect if he hadn't let Luke Ridnour cross him over -- dropping him to the floor in the process -- and hit the game-winning floater with 0.5 ticks on the clock.


After the game, Simmons tried to explain away his behavior by saying he was just being "competitive." Whatever. Here's my suggestion, Bobby: Less gesticulation, more staying in front of Luke Ridnour without falling on your ass.

The Washington Wizards: It was just another night in the life of the East's worst team. The Bulls put forth a so-so effort and still beat the Wizards by 12. Actually, Washington trailed by as many as 21 in the final period before Chicago's apathy led to a run that made the final score look deceivingly close. Wizards coach Ed Tapscott said: "The refrain is getting tiresome about falling behind and making a noble comeback and falling just short." Tapscott finds it so tiresome, in fact, that he got himself tossed in the fourth quarter. Don't feel bad, Ed. It could be worst. You could be...

Larry Hughes: "Big Shot Larry" scored 12 of his 17 points in the fourth quarter to help hold off the Wizards. But that didn't stop the Chicago crowd from booing him every time he touched the ball. Hughes -- who has complained repeatedly about playing time and wants out of the Windy City -- didn't care. Naturally. Said Hughes: "They're the same people that cheer when I make a shot. It's fine. Obviously, I think the fans read the papers and they want to support their team. Whatever's been going on, they read. They feed into it. But as long as I have a Bulls uniform on, I'm out to go out there and play hard and try to get a 'W.' I've been around long enough to know I have to be there for my teammates, support the system, to go out and get a 'W.'" That Larry. He's such a team-first guy.

The Suckramento Kings: The pushed the Heat to overtime...but still lost. The defeat dropped them to 8-29, tying them with the Clippers for the second-worst record in the West. It's also their worst start to a season since the team moved to Sacramento in the 1985-86 season. Said Kings placeholder coach Kenny Natt: "It's obviously another disappointing loss after fighting so hard, having a chance to tie it up in regulation, gong to overtime and having a chance to win another basketball game. Then we let it slip away, so obviously we're disappointed about that." Yes. Obviously.

Shawn Marion: After scoring a season-high 25 points against the Nuggets, Demon Bird Mothballs crashed back to earth with an 8-point effort (on 4-for-9 shooting) against the Kings. Shocking. I know I've been asking this for a while now, but how's that whole "I need to leave Phoenix to be The Man and get The Respect I Deserve?" working out for you again, Shawn?

Jeff Foster: First he got into a slapfight with Vladimir Radmanovic and then, on the Pacers' final possession of the game, when his team still had a chance to tie...well, just watch...starting at the 1:00 mark.


The shot compelled Dr. Hank Pym to email in to ask: "Is Jeff Foster brain dead or something?" Brain dead? No. Retarded? Quite possibly. By the way, ring up another close loss for the Pacers. More on that below...

The Dallas Mavericks: How bad were the Mavs on Friday night? Not only did they let the Suns shoot almost 63 percent for the game and destroy them 128-100 -- and it didn't feel even THAT close by the end -- their craptasticness had some kind of reverse-awful effect on Shaq's foul shooting: The Big Clanky went 7-for-7 from the line. Bonus suck: Phoenix set a season-high for scoring in a quarter (40) in the third period. That just so happened to be the most points allowed by Dallas in a quarter this season. Extra bonus suck: The Suns set a season-high in scoring (their previous highest score was 125 against the Bucks on December 9). Super extra bonus Suck: The Suns 52 field goals were their most of the season (by eight) and the most allowed by the Mavs. Final suck: Phoenix outscored Dallas by 50 in the paint (68-18).

Friday night lactivity report: From Chris:

Wizards-Bulls: Etan Thomas gave Washington a +1 (brick) in 10:58.

Heat-Kings: James Jones earned +2 (giveaway and foul) for the Heat in 3:25.

Pacers-Lakers: Sun Yue racked up a 5 second Super Mario that I'm sure Phil Jackson will wax philosophical about. Or not.

Heat-Kings: Not lacktion per se, but a regular of this section deserves to be noted as the goat tonight in Arco Arena. Suckrament once had a lead with about a minute left in OT, but found the game tied on a D-Wade three. So the jesters took a 24 second violation with 21.6 markers left on the clock. On the subsequent possession, former trillionaire champion John Salmons decided to stop focusing defensively on Dwyane IN OVERTIME, turning his head away twice as the one-time Finals MVP drove past him into the paint and drew some charity stripe time. Woops! Of course, those two free throws turned out to be the game-winning points, with Miami's franchise player finishing up with 41 on the scoreboard.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Their winless weekend mercifully (or perhaps mercilessly) ended with a loss to the Charlotte Bobcats. And they missed eight free throws (20-for-28) in the 3-point loss. So...you know. But the utter futility of Washington's season was properly epitomized by the game's closing sequence. The Wiz were behind by a single point (90-89) with 15 seconds left when Mike James tricked a layup and Andray Blatche missed a tip-in. The Bobcats knocked the ball out of bounds, though, and therefore gave Washington another chance. Which they blew when Nick Young clanked a jumper from the top of the key. Wait, what? Nick Young -- whose nickname is "Bean Burrito" -- took the final shot??! Said Caron Butler: " Nick, a great one-on-one player, fell a little short on the opportunity. It was a situation at the end where we couldn't get the ball to myself or Antawn (Jamison) at the end for the play that was drawn up. We fumbled the ball and that was the game." Okay, when, exactly, did Nick Young become a "great" one-on-one player? I feel like I just woke up from a coma or something.

And here's a weird statistical anomaly: The Generals only attempted a trio of three-pointers. When was the last time THAT happened in the NBA?

Juwan Howard, prayer machine: Regarding Andray Blatche's missed tip-in: "I was like, 'Please Lord, please don't let them tip this ball in. Please don't hit no shot.' I was praying, and my prayers were answered." Based on everything I know about his NBA career, I find it rather hard to believe that God has ever answered one of Juwan's prayers. Of course, that said, he IS still in the league when, by rights, he shouldn't be. So maybe...

The Chicago Bulls: As a Bulls fan, I've suffered through my fair share of "No f-ing way!" moments over the last couple years, particularly last season when the team many people predicted would make the NBA Finals ended up winning only 33 games. None of those moments were more surprising (or painful) than their overtime home loss to the then five-win Thunder. And I can think of no better way to describe my dismay than with the opening paragraph of the AP recap: "It's not often Kevin Durant gets to hear the home fans boo their team when the Oklahoma City Thunder are on the road. So when it happened Saturday night, all he could do was grin." And here's the big picture view: The Bulls just went .500 in a four-game stretch that saw them matched up against the Timberwolves (11-25), Kings (9-29), Wizards (7-29) and Thunder (6-32). They lost to the Wolves and Thunder, barely scraped by versus the Kings and almost blew a 21-point lead against the Wizards. AND THEY WERE ALL HOME GAMES. Said Bulls "seemingly destined for one-and-done" coach Vinny Del Negro: "We were not getting a body on people. They were more physical. We did not share the basketball the way need to. Their effort was better. That is not acceptable." No. No it wasn't.

Stacy King: I got this email from Junokasm after the Bulls' loss to the Thunder: "Bulls just sucked it up. Out rebounded 59-37 and outscored 15-4 in overtime. Where was big shot Larry, Stacey? Speaking of Stacey King...during a Neil Funk promo at around 7:20 in the 3rd quarter, King let a monstrous belch rip, mid-promo! Class. Any chance anyone caught that on video?" I noticed that and tried to find a YouTube clip. Nothing so far.

The New York Knicks: The Houston Rockets were without Knee-Mac and Ron Artest, but the Knicks still lost 96-76, which is a pretty embarrassing score for an up-tempo team. New York shot 35 percent and got pounded on the boards 60-38. Chris Duhon -- whose play this season, according to Bill Simmons, is proof that Steve Nash didn't deserve his MVP trophies -- shot 3-for-7 and finished with 8 points, 6 assists and 3 turnovers. Yep. Nash's success was all Mike D'Anonti. Speaking of Mikey, this is what he had to say about the loss: "We did not get great shots. Our ball movement wasn't good at all. It sapped our fire and then they got energy." Must've sapped the energy from his postgame comments, too. Non-random stats: This season, the Knicks are 0-18 when they trail after three quarters and 1-12 when they score fewer than 100 points. Dismissed as coincidence.

The Detroit Pistons: They fell victim to another revenge game from The Turkish Assassin: Mehmet Okur had a game-high 22 points on near-perfect shooting (8-for-9 from the field, 3-for-3 from downtown). And Mehmet didn't even attempt a field goal in the second half. It was Utah's eighth straight win over the Pistons, who shot only 35 percent and let the Jazz hit almost 54 percent of their field goals. Said Allen Iverson, who had won his own revenge game in Denver the night before: "No excuses. It had nothing to do with being the last game of the trip, dead legs, anything. They were just better than us and they whooped us tonight."

The Golden State Warriors: They shot 50 percent and got 25 points off the bench from Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette but, in true Warriors fashion, lost by double-digits on the road against the Blazers. What happened? Well, Nellie explained afterward that his team struggled with defense, rebounding, turnovers and second-chance points. You know, pretty much everything not related to shooting the ball. "We're just not good at it. It's not that we don't try, we're just not good at it." By "it" he must mean "the game of basketball." Golden State (10-28) is 4-20 on the road this season and has lost seven consecutive games outside of Oakland.

The Portland Trail Blazers: They won the battle against the Warriors, but it looks like they're going to lose the war against the salary cap. For the record, a number of people commented that the Blazers were within their right to issue their threatening email. And while I agree that they have the right to protect their interets, I disagree with the fact that they felt the need to bully 31 other teams via mass email. And so did Cavs owner Dan Gilbert: "Are legal threats through a mass email the best way to circumvent the known potential consequences that could result from the Trailblazers decisions and actions they took with respect to Darius Miles?" Gilbert added that he understood Portland's frustration, "but a pre-emptive threat of 'litigation' directed at all of your partners through a group email does not sit well with me." And it shouldn't sit well with anybody. It's a classless move. IMHO.

Saturday lactivity report: Again from Chris:

Hornets-Wizards: Juan Dixon was the home team's lacktioneer of the night at Verizon Center, giving the ball away once and throwing a singular brick for +2 in 4:22.

Knicks-Rockets: Anthony Roberson played about as well as someone who took a year off from basketball could: three missed shots mixed with a giveaway foul gave the Knicks +5 in an even 12 minutes. The Rockets clearly didn't need Clutch the Bear's clutch air-horn/startling skills in a laugher, as the game was put out of reach in the 3rd quarter (a 76-59 lead, after the Knicks made it a one point game at the end of the first half). Instead, they unleashed a familiar human victory cigar in Luther Head, who didn't disappoint with a 2 trillion.

Pistons-Jazz: Walter Hermann provided nearly 11 minutes of truly sucky basketball for Motown's team, taking a foul and three missed shots for +4 in that extended session of fail. Utah unleashed two garbage time heroes in response, sending out Morris Almond for an unremarkably mediocre 6:42 that netted a +5 (three unsuccessful shots, one block against, and a foul) and Jarron Collins for a sleepy 3:45 session that produced a +2 through a brick and a foul.

Warriors-Blazers: Jermareo Davidson rose from the ranks of obscurity to become the most recent hallmark of 2008-09 Nellieball: yet another new face from the bench to merely eat up cap and playing time, in return providing very little in the way of productivity. One missed shot and a turnover proceeded to give him a +2 in 4:20.

The Toronto Raptors: The Celtics busted out of their slump against the Craptors, who stood by and watched as Ray Allen set Toronto on fire by scoring a season-high 36 points on 8-for-10 from beyond the arc. It's called "a hand in the face," guys. But Lord Kerrance noticed that at least one Craptor didn't think defense was the problem: "Howzabout this quote from Chris Bosh regarding Ray Allen's 3 point performance: 'He hit a couple of wide open shots, but I don't know how much better you can defend some of them. When a guy goes 8-for-10 from the three-point line, that's pretty abnormal.' So 8-for-10 is abnormal, but better defense is not the answer. Maybe Bosh really does want to go to New York in 2010 -- he'd certainly fit in with D'Antoni's defensive schemes."

Boston Celtics, quote machines: Regarding Ray-Ray's hot night, Doc Rivers said: "When Ray gets it going, that's our focus. Feed the pig, that's what we always say. He was the hot guy, so we want to keep feeding him." To which Allen responded: "We don't want the pig to get as fat as it possibly can. One day you have to slaughter the pig." Ba-dah-bum! Paul Pierce, for his part, was being unintentionally dirty: "We just rode his hot hand tonight."

And here's some more from the Doc: "It's funny, I get so many calls saying 'What's wrong with Ray?' and I say 'There's nothing wrong with Ray, he's a great shooter, he'll be a great shooter again and eventually make them. That's why Ray is great and a lot of other players in the league are good. A lot of players will have three or four games like Ray had and go away for a month. Ray believed the next shot had to go in. He knows he's a great shooter and we want him to keep shooting." That's funny, considering Doc SHOULD be getting those calls about Paul Pierce.

Brian Scalabrine versus Joey Graham: And the latest chapter of "Epic NBA Confrontations" unfolds...


The Atlanta Hawks: Look, I hate to be one of those "I told ya so" guys, but...I told ya so. First, I said that once the Philadelphia 76ers adjusted to playing without the injured Elton Brand, they'd probably start running again and go on a winning streak. And sure enough, their win in Atlanta -- in which they dropped 109 points on 54 percent shooting -- gave them their first four-game winning streak of the season. Second, after the Hawks went 7-1 on their eight-game homestand, I predicted that they'd go into a little slump, which is typically what happens after an iffy road team has a successful cluster of home games. Sure enough, the dirty birds have dropped four of their last five and the last three in a row. I'm just sayin'.

Hawks coach Mike Woodson, well, he's still blaming the Magic. And himself. "I think Orlando took some starch out of us a little bit. We're not competing defensively like we have been, and that's on me. I've got to get them back playing defense because that's the only chance we have of winning." Captain Joe Johnson, for his part, thinks the Hawks aren't bringing it. "It's a big concern because we just don't have any energy at all." I've said it before and I'm saying it again, so write this down if you must: Beware inconsistent teams.

Clippers-Suns: What's worse: The ongoing pooptacularness that is the Clippers (who lost their 11th straight game) or the fact that the Suns couldn't be bothered to pull away from a team they should have beaten by, like, 40? I'll go ahead and say those two things are equally bad. This was one of those games that seemed entertaining, but really wasn't.

The impending alien invasion: Okay. Shaq went 7-for-7 from the line against the Mavs and then 5-for-5 against the Clippers? The Big Clanky perfect in two straight games? Okay. I think it's time to go to Shaq's house and check his basement for Body Snatcher pods. I find this chilling? Is anybody else chilled by this?

Said Shaq (a.k.a. Lord Slo-GAR from the Ninth Plane): "I'm trying to get my name in the top five in scoring by the time I'm done, so I'm just trying to get as many easy points as I can. I was always a pretty good free throw shooter in high school, but I tried to make it better rather than just staying with what I know. Whenever you switch up on something, bad luck will happen to you. Now I'm just shooting it the way I was taught to a long, long time ago." That quote was very nearly egotistical enough to fool me into believing it's the real Shaq. But I know better. If you need me, I'll be blogging from the nearest nuclear fallout shelter.

Mike Dunleavy, crazy machine: I think the alien Shaq has finally pushed Mikey over the edge. "You just can't give Shaq too many dribbles. When he's got the deep catch in there and you give him a couple of dribbles, nobody in the world can stop that the guy. And he's made like 12 free throws in a row, so it's not like it used to be, when you could play straight up and take a foul and know that you could get one, maybe two misses out of the deal. To his credit, it's a totally different deal with him now." I'm not the only person who can see all the things that are totally wrong in that quote, am i?

Shaq, excuse machine: Regarding the closer-than-it-should-have-been score: "A team that loses a lot is always a hungry team, and they've lost a lot of games in the last couple of minutes -- including this one. Every team that plays against us is going to be playing way over their heads." Okay. I was wrong. He's still the real Shaq.

Grant Hill, quote machine: Regarding the eight offensive fouls drawn by the Suns: "You've got to give Steve Nash credit. He had six of them. He was giving a clinic out there. He looked very much like Bobby Hurley in 1992 just taking charges left and right. ... Those of us who can't dunk anymore, we've got to make good plays by taking charges." Am I the only one who cracked up at the Hurley reference? Does that date me?

The San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs become known over the last decade as a perennial contender who beat teams down the stretch with their poise and experience. That didn't happen against the Magic. Tony Parker bonked a couple layups in the final two minutes and the Spurs finished the game by missing six of their final seven shots. They are settling into that post-contender phase where they're still really good but more often than not lose to the real championship contenders. Yeah, they're gonna win 50+ games and they might even make it to the Western Conference Finals. But unless something radical happens in the next year or two, I think we've seen the final championship of the Tim Duncan Era.

The Dallas Mavericks: The blowout loss to the Suns on the second night of back-to-backs? That I could understand. But losing to a previously 8-win Kings team that had lost 11 of their last 12 games? Wowsers. Said Jason Terry: "We had a meltdown on all fronts in Phoenix but tonight was an all-out effort. We put ourselves in position to win but they wanted it more than us. When you are not making shots and getting stops, you are going to lose the game." Well...yeah. Anyway, know what I just wrote about the Spurs? Same goes for the Mavs, except for the whole having already won a title part.

The Indiana Pacers: The D'Antoni-lite Era in Indiana continued as the Pacers lost yet another close game as Jamal Crawford nailed the game-winning three-pointer with 11.3 seconds left. The Pacers have lost 24 games, 16 of which were by: 6, 4, 2, 2 (in OT), 1, 3, 7 (in OT), 5 (in OT), 4, 8 (in 2OT), 1, 3, 2, 6, 2 and 3. Of course, I guess you're going to lose a lot of close games when you can't get defensive stops. Just ask Danny Granger: "I thought we had it. It was very frustrating, but that's kind of been the way we've lost games. We know we're right there. We just need a stop to win the game, and we're not doing it right now." Yup. But hey, they might be losing, but with their offense, at least watching them lose is more fun than it used to be when Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal and Stephen Jackson were jacking up horrible shots.

The Miami Heat: The good: They put themselves into a good position to win by holding Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol to a combined 9-29 from the field. The bad: They surrendered season-highs to Andrew Bynum (24 points) and Vladimir Radmanovic (18) and got pushed around in the paint, as evidenced by the Lakers' 53-38 advantage on the boards and Bynum's go-ahead follow-up shot with 18.5 seconds left (the Lakers had 17 offensive boards for the game). And while much is being made of the fact that Miami's bench outscored L.A.'s reserves 56-20, it should also be noted that Mario Chalmers and Joel Anthony combined for 2 points and Udonis Haslem scored only 8.

Random note on the Lakers: They're now 20-2 at home and 10-4 on the road. Their 22 home games are tied for the most in the NBA with Charlotte, and their 14 road games are a league low. I'm just, you know, sayin'.

Kobe Bryant: He made me sad.

Sunday Lactivity Report: Chris speaks (via writing):

Celtics-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl appears in the lacktivity report yet again, racking a +3 (fouls) in 3:44 for Toronto.

Sixers-Hawks: Acie Law returns to the ranks of the unremarkable, as he laced just over six minutes of lacktion with a foul and giveaway for +2.

Mavs-Kings: Mikki Moore, he of the oddly spelled cereal-advertisement moniker, threw a brick for Suckramento (yes, after beating Dallas and passing the 100-point barrier, they get an O back) for +1 in 5:32.

Heat-Lakers: Miami's James Jones took a foul and missed from downtown for a +2 in 6:39. Teammate Yakhouba Diawara added his name to the lacktion ledger with +2 via a bricked three and a foul in 3:11.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Note: I know, I know. We're all a little crab-dribbled out. But now that everyone's finally spoken their peace and the fervor has died down, I wanted to get everything down for posterity's sake.

crab dribble (krab drib'-uhl) noun. A hesitation dribble that is used to effectively mask a traveling violation. Depending on the situation and/or the player involved, the violation may or may not be called.

Usage example: No, no, no, dude. I didn't travel. I used a crab dribble.

Word history: Crab-Dribblegate began after what should have been a standard, run-of-the-mill regular season game between the Cavaliers and Wizards. But then -- shock of shocks!! -- the mighty LeBron James got called for...wait for it...traveling.


LeBron, not surprisingly, was displeased with the call. And, in trying to articulate his displeasure, he made postgame complaint history. "Bad call. We all make mistakes, and I think I got the wrong end of the bargain. I watched it 10 times after the game, and it was clearly a good play. You have your trademark play, and that's one of my plays. It kind of looks like a travel because it's slow, and it's kind of a high-step, but it's a one-two just as fluent as any other one-two in this league. I got the wrong end of it, but I think they need to look at it -- and they need to understand that's not a travel. It's a perfectly legal play, something I've always done.

"I don't know what [the official] said I did. I was trying to get an explanation from him but he ended up running to the other side of the floor. It was a bad call. Like I said, I watched it in the [locker] room. I took a crab dribble, which is a hesitation dribble, and then two steps. Everybody, you call guys can watch it. The bad part about it was I was able to finish at the rim with contact, so it would have been a three-point play. So it's tough.

"What happens is when you take a crab dribble and you hesitate, that is not one step, because you still basically have a live ball. And then when you go into your one-two that's when the steps get counted. So if you look at the play, I take a crab dribble and find a crease and then I take my one-two. So it's a perfectly legal play, something I've always done and always been successful with."

This attempt to justify a pretty blatant traveling violation not only reset the high bar for indignant and semi-delusional rationalizations, it also created a new term that, as it turns out, wasn't really new at all (more on that below). It also amused the heck out of the Wizards who, as we all know, have been victimized by non-calls on LeBron before. Washington interim coach Ed Tapscott said : "I'll have to check in my book to see what a 'crab dribble' is. I'm not quite sure. I do know that we don't seem to get away with very many of them, whatever they are." When asked if he knew what a "crab dribble" was, Antawn Jamison said: "I know what a traveling is. I think we all know what traveling is." In response to the same question, Caron Butler added: "'Crab dribble' is when you, uh, travel. That's the hottest thing on the market right now.: He further explained that, in performing the crab dribble, LeBron changed his pivot foot. Said Butler: "I couldn't do it in AAU, I couldn't do it in college. And obviously I can't do it now."

Things didn't end there. Even two days after the fact, "King Crab" still couldn't stop trying to acquit himself of traveling: "I've done that move plenty of times and I believe it's a good move. If they called it more consistently, then I guess it ain't a good move then and I'll change my game. But it's not called consistently." To recap: He admitted taht he traveled but felt entitlted to do so because traveling isn't called consistently. Okay, got it.

Of course, LeBron couldn't resist making a dig on everybody who's been calling him out since Crab-Dribble Gate: "Everything I do is a big deal. It's easy for people who don't play the game of basketball to say something about a certain move. You hear all the people on SportsCenter talk about it, but they've never touched a basketball in their lives. They just report about it." Oh, snap! But he's totally right. It's impossible, even with the benefit of slow-motion replay, for a non-basketball player to count the number of steps somebody takes on their way to the basket. Somebody better tell The Count on Sesame Street about that. He's been wasting his time teaching kids to count all these years. What he should have been doing was handing them a basketball.

For the record, Bill Spooner -- the official who penalized King Crab -- explained his call in an e-mail: "3 steps on the move to the basket. Basic travel call."

Despite all the hubub, LeBron was fairly chill, and seemingly unconcerned if his trademark move becomes the target of more consistent officiating. "If they take it away like they've done before with the hop step, I'll find a way to do something else. How have I fared after that? I'll be fine if they take this away, too."

Now, most people -- myself included -- had never heard of a crab dribble and assumed that LeBron had simply made it up. But, surprise, he did not! It's an honest-to-goodness move taught by basketball coaches. No, really. Only -- sorry, LeBron, it doesn't mean you get to take an extra step or two. So what, then, is it? According to Mike McNeill, Director of Coaching Development for Basketball BC: "The most overlooked dribble maneuver is what is called a crab dribble. What is a crab dribble? It is when the dribbler has their back to a defender and dribbles the ball between their feet with step-slide footwork."


According to McNeill, the purpose of the crab dribble is three-fold:

1. To protect the ball by keeping the body between the defender and the ball. It is the most common dribble used by post players; the back-down move that is so common is a crab dribble. For perimeter players it is especially effective when the dribbler is bringing the ball up-court against an extremely quick, ball-hawking defender.

2. To set the pace at which the ball is brought up the floor. Often the coach will instruct the ball-handler to slow the pace of the game down, but if the dribbler is being pressured, the only way to relieve pressure is to attempt to go by the defender.

3. To change sides of the court when being pressured, without exposing the ball to the defender. This is usually done with a spin dribble but may also be done with a pop back move and then a change of hands dribble (crossover, behind back, between leg).

And here, courtesy of Deadspin, here's a video of the crab dribble drill. Note that, in the non-LeBron version shown here, actual dribbling (and not traveling) is involved.


In this video, NBA expert Jalen Rose explains the crab dribble and how it had nothing whatsoever to do with what LeBron actually did (which was to travel).


And, finally, a videographic parody, courtsey of didntdrawiron (via chris).

Labels: all-time great rationalizations, crab dribble, Lebron James, Word of the Day

The NBA scheduling geniuses: Last night was the kind of evening I like to refer to as scalper's night off. I mean, Clippers-Spurs and Knicks-Mavericks? Those are two games so boring that TNT refused to show them. Okay, I'm not sure that's why the games weren't on National TV. And I don't care. These games sucked all the hope and motivation out of me.

The New York Knicks: They had a decent chance to steal this one, but their offense disappeared in the second half. Which is a problem when offense is all you have. Their field goal accuracy dropped to 25 percent in the fourth quarter and they missed their last six shots. They also committed 19 turnovers and had only 15 assists. But hey, at least they aren't the Clippers.

Nate Robinson: The wee tiny man scored only 9 points on 16 shot attempts and hit only 1 of his 9 three-point attempts. In fact, he's 3-of-30 from downtown over the last five games. But keep shooting, Nate! The Law of Large Numbers states that they'll start dropping...eventually...or not.

Dirk Nowitzki: The Clanking Dutchman scored only 10 points on 3-for-13 shooting, which included an 0-fer on his last seven field goal attempts. Dallas coach Rick Carlisle claimed Dirk was playing with a temperature of 101 degrees...despite the fact that it was clear Dirk was ice cold. Nowitzki, for his part, said he had a "head cold" and said his poor shooting was the result of the Knicks' double-teaming defense. Hah! Like the Knicks play defense. Said Nowitzki: "When it was winning time, I didn't have a great rhythm shooting the ball. I was able to get some assists when they double-teamed me." True. He finished with 7 dimes, which tied Chris Duhon for the game-high.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: According to the AP game recap: "With Dirk Nowitzki not feeling his best, Jason Kidd did something Thursday night that he prefers to leave to others. The pass-first point guard elected to shoot the basketball." Thus Kidd tied Josh Howard for the team-high in field goal attempts (15) and hit a couple big shots in the fourth that helped the Mavs hold off the Knicks. And this is what Kidd had to say about it after the game: "You have to erase your floppy disc and become a shooter." Uh huh. For the record, Kidd currently ranks 7th all-time in three-point field goals attempts with 4174. In fact, he also ranks 80th all-time in field goal attempts (13258). Don't think 80th sounds that high? Well, it puts him ahead of a lot of noteworthy scorers/gunners, including guys like Chris Mullin (83rd), Stephon Marbury (85th), James Worthy (86th), Dirk Nowitzki (87th), Tim Hardaway (90th), Paul Pierce (91st) Jerry Stackhouse (99th), Antawn Jamison (103rd), Rasheed Wallace (110th), Kevin McHale (111th), Chuck Person (113th)...need I go on? So really, Jason, I don't think any floppy disk adjustments were necessary.


The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips are still without Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Chris Kaman (sore left foot), Zach Randolph (bruised left knee), Ricky Davis (serving a five-game suspension) and Mike Taylor (broken right thumb). So here's the question: If they weren't any good WITH those guys, how bad d'you suppose they are WITHOUT them? And here's the answer: Their loss to the Spurs last night was their ninth straight. The Spurs shot 51 percent and led by as many as 24 before settling for a 22-point win...despite the fact that Tim Duncan, like most other NBA fans, took the night off (8 points, 4-for-11). Believe it or not, the Clippers actually built a 9-point lead in the second quarter before -- in typical Clipper fashion -- things fell apart. Said Clippers prisoner Eric Gordon: "In the second half, they hit everything they shot. We have to change the way we play our game, like playing better on defense." Yeah. For starters. But not all was dark and dreary. Cheikh Samb scored his first basket as a Clipper! Oh, you hadn't heard about that trade? I'm not surprised.

You know how bad the Clippers are? According to their team report: "Their current nine-game losing streak is the longest skid by any NBA team this season." But here's the thing: The Timberwolves suffered a 13-game losing streak from November 29th to December 23rd. Even the Clippers' team report sucks! It also stated that the Clippers may be interested in Darius Miles. Which would be perfect, if you think about it, because then the Suck Cycle would be complete. Of course, the Clips might be in trouble if they try it, because of...

The Portland Trail Blazers: Blazers president Larry Miller recently sent the following email to representatives of every NBA team: "The Portland Trail Blazers are aware that certain teams may be contemplating signing Darius Miles to a contract for the purpose of adversely impacting the Portland Trail Blazers Salary Cap and tax positions. Such conduct by a team would violate its fiduciary duty as an NBA joint venturer. In addition, persons or entities involved in such conduct may be individually liable to the Portland Trail Blazers for tortuously interfering with the Portland Trail Blazers contract rights and perspective economic opportunities. Please be aware that if a team engages in such conduct, the Portland Trail Blazers will take all necessary steps to safeguard its rights, including, without limitation, litigation."

Don't know what all the hubub is about? Well, it breaks down like this: Originally, everybody thought that Miles had to appear in 10 regular-season or postseason games for the $18 million Portland still owes him to get dumped back onto the Blazers' payroll. However, the league office ruled that the six preseason games that Miles played for the Boston Celtics counts toward the 10. Before the Memphis Grizzlies waived him, Miles played two regular-season games for them that raised his season total to eight. So he could be one 10-day contract and a couple trillions away from crushing the Blazers' hopes of landing a big time free agent next summer AND pushing them into the luxery tax bracket.

The Blazers are trying to both play the role of victim and bully teams into night signing Miles, but the real victim here is Darius. He just wants to continue his career. And the Blazers -- who chose to trade of their own free will -- are trying to stop him for their own selfish reasons. As one Eastern Conference executive said: "The point that everybody is missing is that this isn't about Portland's salary cap. It's about whether this guy [Miles] is healthy enough to play or not. He obviously is healthy enough to play. It doesn't matter how good he plays. He can still play, and they said he couldn't. Portland received benefits when [Miles'] injury was ruled career-ending. If he can play, they don't deserve to have those benefits." Exactly.

Sasha Vujacic: I found this on the OC Register via Ball Don't Lie. It's a day late, but I feel it needs to be reported here: "Sasha Vujacic has a new high-profile nemesis: Chris Paul. Vujacic's unique resume that already featured being choked by Carmelo Anthony now includes being called by Paul a five-letter word that starts with 'B.' That's what Vujacic said Paul called him late in New Orleans’ victory over the Lakers on Tuesday night. 'He called me names on numerous occasions,' Vujacic said. For yelling back at Paul -- even though Vujacic insisted all he said was: 'What did you say?!' -- Vujacic got a technical foul from referee Joey Crawford. (Then Vujacic got an earful from teammate Kobe Bryant, who was more than a little peeved that this game in which he was so absurdly hot with his shot was slipping away.)"

Not exactly surprising. Here's a brief recap of Sasha's colorful history. 'Melo choked him down. Baron Davis gave him a shove. Renaldo Balkman elbowed him in the face. Rafer Alston went out of his way to humilate The Machine. And these incidents aren't limited to opponents. Kobe Bryant once elbowed him on the bench and Andrew Bynum told him off during a preseason game. Oh, and let's not forget this season's little tiff with Trevor Ariza. My skin crawls every time I have to watch this guy play. Which, as far as I can tell, is true of just about everybody who isn't a Lakers fan. Let's face it, Sasha's the most annoying guy in the NBA right now. With the potential, I might add, to go down as an all-timer.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Jason Kidd, Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs

White out!
Update! Robert Swift: Black finger nails, Rob? Really? In addition to the pic shown above, here's another view. Did you know Swift went straight from high school to the pros? I can hardly believe it myself.

The Klahma City Thunder: They followed up their elusive fifth win of the season (at home against the Knicks) with a 42-point road loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves. Ye-owch. The Thunder were only able to hold the Wolves below 30 points in one quarter, the third, when Minny scored 26. Other than that, it was 42, 30 and 31 points surrendered in the first, second and fourth quarters, respectively. All told, the Timberpups scored 129 points on 52 percent shooting while chokeslamming the Thunder on the boards 57-38. Oh, and the Klahma's scored only 87 points on 39 percent shooting themselves, thanks in part to the fact that Neil Paine stat cursed Kevin Durant into a miserable 3-for-13 shooting night in which he finished with a season-low 9 points. For the record, it was the first time this season that he's been held under 12 points. Said Durant: "Its tough. We played so hard (Tuesday) night and in games before. To come out and not even show up is tough."

Meanwhile, the Timberwolves are continuing their fascinating little pas de deux with the Celtics. While the C's have lost six of their last eight games -- more on that below -- the W's have WON six out of eight, including the last four in a row. And just as Boston's slump came after an historic 27-2 start, Minnesota's upswing follows a near-franchise-record 13-game skid (the Wolves had two other 16-game losing streaks in 1992 and 1994). You know how that has to make Kevin McHale feel right now?


But before McHale or anybody else gets to excited, it's probably worth noting that those six wins came against the Knicks, Grizzlies, Warriors, Bulls, Grizzlies (again) and the Thunder...teams that have a combined record of 54-123. So, you know, I'm just sayin'.

The Charlotte Bobcats: They followed up that ultra-impressive home win over the Celtics with a 30-point road loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Anybody else noticing a pattern here? Speaking of patterns, in his book about the 1985-86 Celtics, The Last Banner, which I guess should be renamed to The Next To Last Banner now, Peter May had this to say about the Dallas Mavericks following up a win against the Celtics with a loss to the Sacaramento Kings:

"On any other night, a Mavericks loss to the Kings, then 29-36, would have been a mild upset. But beating the Celtics took a lot out of a team. Those fortunate enough to win generally got to enjoy it for one game; on only four occasions out of a possible 15 did the team that beat the 1985-86 Celtics go on to win its next game. The 76ers, one of just two teams to beat Boston twice (the Nets were the other) won both of their post-Celtics-victory games. Denver and the Knicks were the two others."

That passage got me thinking about what's happened this season to the eight teams who have beaten the Celtics. Here are the results:

1. The Indiana Pacers: Lost 113-103 at home to the Phoenix Suns.

2. The Denver Nuggets: Won 90-84 at home against the Minnesota Timberwolves.

3. The Los angeles Lakers: Won 130-113 at home against the Golden State Warriors.

4. The Golden State Warriors: Lost 130-113 on the road against the Los Angeles Lakers.

5. The Portland Trail Blazers: Lost 92-77 at home against the New Orleans Hornets.

6. The New York Knicks: Lost 107-99 on the road against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

7. The Charlotte Bobcats: Lost 111-81 on the road against the Cleveland Cavaliers.

8. The Houston Rockets: Haven't played another game yet.

So out of a possible seven games (so far), teams that have beaten the Celtics are 2-5 and those five losses were by a combined 100 points (10, 17, 15, 8 and 30 points, respectively). And the two wins have mitigating circumstances, since the Lakers and Warriors played each other immediately after beating the Celtics (and one of those teams HAD to win), and the Nuggets barely won at home against an awful Timberwolves team that was at the tail end of an eight-game losing streak (and Denver was in the midst of a streak that saw them win 12 out of 15).

The point is this: It would seem that teams are getting really, really up to beat the Celtics and then coming back down to earth in the very next game. So it's kind of like Doc Rivers said: His team has to play 82 Game 7s this year. Speaking of which...

The Boston Celtics: The Leprechauns lost for the sixth time in their last eight games. So, uhm, yeah. I guess they won't be winning 70 games this season, huh? I talked at length about this team's problems yesterday, and frankly I'm not sure what I have to add. You can tell just by watching that the journey just isn't any fun anymore for the Celtics. And it's evident by the looks on their faces, which have been vacillating between boredom and frustration. After the game, Rivers said: "In our last timeout, you could see it in our guys' eyes. Like, 'Shoot, we're going to lose this home game. It bothered them. You could see that. And I was thinking 'That's a good thing." I've heard of taking lemons and trying to make lemonade, but it seems like Doc's trying to make Dom Pérignon out of toilet water.

Wild Yams had this to say in a comment: "With the way the Rockets have been slumping, for them to go to Boston and win w/o T-Mac and with Artest fouling out with 4 minutes to go shows the depths to which the Celtics have sunk (especially since two Houston starters, Scola and Alston, combined for only two points!). What in god's name is going on with them?! Did that loss to the Lakers on Xmas Day really shake them up something fierce or what? I guess what I'm asking is this: Are the Celtics' problems mental, or are they really just not that great after all?" The problems are both mental -- this season's pressure-filled journey is nothing like last year's quest for rebirth and redemption -- and the fact that, minus James Posey and P.J. Brown, their bench has gone from Charles Atlas to the 98-pound weakling getting sand kicked in his face on the beach. But the good news is the Celtics won't be paying James Posey $6 million for that extra season a couple years from now! Great move, Danny.

Paul Pierce and Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck: Ron Artest fouled out of the game with just over three minutes remaning. The fans, obviously, got a hoot out of that, which is typical. What was less typical is this: Paul Pierce kindly pointed him to the sideline as Grousbeck, standing in front of his courtside throne, waved goodbye. That's more than "kind of" classless, guys. Next time, please leave the taunting and mockery to the fans. (Thanks to Georgi for the following picture.)

Hey, Paul. Maybe you should point that finger inward...
Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen: The Celtics scored 11 points in the fourth quarter. They shot 22 percent in that final period and got outscored 15-6 in the final eight minutes. For the heck of it, here's a rundown of Boston's fourth quarter possessions: Eddie House missed 3-pt. Jump Shot; Leon Powe missed Jump Shot (Blocked by Carl Landry); Gabe Pruitt made 3-pt. Jump Shot (Assist Ray Allen); Eddie House missed Jump Shot; Gabe Pruitt made Jump Shot; Lost ball turnover on Gabe Pruitt (Stolen by Ron Artest); Eddie House missed 3-pt. Jump Shot; Leon Powe missed Hook Shot, Paul Pierce missed Jump Shot, Paul Pierce missed 3-pt. Jump Shot; Ray Allen missed Jump Shot; Kevin Garnett missed Turnaround Jump Shot; Ray Allen made two Free Throws; Kevin Garnett missed Jump Shot; Paul Pierce missed Layup; Paul Pierce made Jump Shot; Kevin Garnett missed Jump Shot; Rajon Rondo made Layup (Assist Kevin Garnett); Offensive foul on Paul Pierce; Paul Pierce missed Jump Shot; Ray Allen missed Layup.

So, to recap, the Celtics' three go-to guys combined for 4 points on 1-for-9 shooting (including two missed layups), two assists and a turnover in the decisive fourth quarter of a critical home game. Now, to me, this is a Big Fail for the Big Three, but based on the comments I received for drawing attention to Kobe's fourth quarter fail against the Hornets, I guess I have to reassess my way thinking, right?

Okay, it's time for a mini-rant here. The Mamba Apologists were out in force yesterday, and their defense of Kobe's 2-point, 1-for-6 disappearance during the Lakers' fourth-quarter come-from-ahead home loss to the Hornets boiled down to two basic points: The defense was keying on Kobe and his teammates missed shots. So, then, the expectation is that Kobe, the league's MVP and widely-acclaimed "greatest player" can be neutralized and that Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic and Trevor Ariza should come through in the clutch. Okay, fine. But then, what's the point in having a fourth quarter closer? And furthermore, is this really a new thing? Not just this year or in the Finals, but over Kobe's whole career? Or, for that matter, in the career of every great player in NBA history?

Look, every NBA defense tightens up in the fourth quarter. Every superstar receives the bulk of the defensive attention. It's called clutch time. That's when one (or more) of three things has to happen: The player must find a way to score, create shots for his teammates, or force his way to the basket to draw fouls. Yes, Kobe passed to teammates for open shots they didn't hit, but he himself was blanked, scoring only two points. And as for driving to the rim, he attempted one layup (which he hit) and five jumpers (which he missed). Frankly, since he and his teammates weren't hitting from the outside, he should have gone hard to the hole and forced the refs to make a call. That's what Jordan used to do, and, more often than not, it's what Dwyane Wade does now.

See, here's the thing: Great players, MVPs, they have to step it up when their teammates cannot. When go-to guys can't be gone to, that's a problem. And those of you who want to accuse me of being unfair to Kobe and "drinking Haterade" really need to review my body of work. I've written hundreds of WotN posts, and I have consistently criticized great players who fall short in the end game, including guys by the name of Dirk Nowitzki, Dwyane Wade, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Shaq, Steve Nash, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, so on and so forth. I've always done it and I will always do it, because it is my steadfast belief that money time is the province of money players. It would be great if Eddie House or Sasha Vujacic or whoever could hit a few shots. But scoring 2 points on 1-for-6 without getting to the line (as Kobe did) or combining to shoot 1-for-9 while getting to the line only once (as the Big Three did) is, in my mind, a failure.

In the final analysis, you can always find reasons for why a player or players didn't perform well or hit shots. I'm sure you could justify the performance of each Laker and each Celtic in every loss each team suffers. But the great players across every sport always bear the burden of responsibility for how a team executes down the stretch. This isn't a new thing, is it? And, in the interest of the "intellectual honesty" that some commenters like to espouse, how is it that my critiques of other players' fourth-quarter breakdowns aren't similarly dissected? I mean, I've tagged players for having a single turnover or missed shot at a critical juncture in a tight loss. And take the case of Shaq. Several people have correctly noticed this season that Shaq tends to perform well early and then quiet down significantly in the later stages of a game. True enough. But it is also true that teams begin aggressively double-teaming him in the fourth quarter, which forces him to pass the ball back out and become a spectator as the Suns look elsewhere for offense. Is this Shaq's fault? Because, like Kobe, he's only doing what he's supposed to do: Pass away from swarming defenses. Likewise Kevin Garnett has taken a beating FOR YEARS for doing the exact same thing. Yet Kobe should be exempt?. No. No, I don't think so.

I want to make clear that I still want everybody to speak their minds. But next time, before you try to call me out for "infairly" criticizing Kobe, ask yourself why the rules that you have probably applied to the Shaqs and Dirks and the KGs and T-Macs of the world do not apply to Kobe.

Update! Von Wafer: Ugh. I was so disheartened by the Celtics' loss that I forgot about Wafer's at-the-rim rejection. But Ace didn't: "How can you not include this gem of Von Wafer getting stuffed by the rim? To add insult to injury, the NBA named it the block of the night." Indeed they did:


So does the rim get credit for the stuff? Or does it count as a team block?

The Washington Wizards: They lost at home to a Raptors team that had only nine players available -- Jermaine O'Neal (right knee), Jose Calderon (right hamstring), Jamario Moon (wife gave birth to a baby) and Hassan Adams (traded to the Clippers and then immediately released) were all gone buy-bye -- to maintain their stranglehold on the worst record in the Eastern Conference (7-27). And that makes them, by the way, only two wins up on the Thunder. Yeah. It's that bad. It's a good thing they fired Eddie Jordan though! Speaking of coaches, Wizards placeholder Ed Tapscott said: "We met the opposition, and it was us. We took a step back, defensively and offensively tonight. Compared to the last few games that we've played, clearly I'm not happy." Awh. I hate it when he's not happy. Speaking of unhappy, here's what Antawn Jamison, who had a season-high 32 points, had to say: "It's a step back, not because of who wasn't on the court for them, but just the way we played. We didn't play good basketball at all. We didn't get effort. We got outrebounded by one of the worst teams in the NBA. We thought the outcome should have been different." I'm not sure somebody on a 7-win team has the right to call a 15-squad "one of the worst teams in the NBA." You know?

Mike Bibby: Whoops. Bibs bonked a breakaway layup that would have cut the Magic's lead to only 2 points with just under a buck and a half left in the game. Check it out, starting around the 1:56 mark:


Hey, it's like my buddy Mr. P says, the layup is the hardest shot in the game. But still. Like Basketbawful reader Dan B. said: "You know you have failed miserably when even John Hollinger calls you out (and NOT to rag on your crappy PER!)." Hollinger correctly states that Bibby blew it by not using the backboard. Mike, for his part, was disinclined to take blame for the miss, or the loss: "I missed an easy layup, but it happens. We need to start from the first quarter and play the whole game." Translation: Hey, not my fault.

The New Orleans Hornets: Remember what I was saying about what happens to teams after they beat the Celtics? Yeah, that probably goes for teams that defeat the Lakers, too. It sure did last night, when a clearly gassed-out Hornets squad got leg-dropped 116-90 by the Jazz. As Jerry Sloan put it: "Obviously it's a long trip for them to have to come up here, but that's the way it works out." That's life in the NBA. There really is a story behind every win and every loss.

Carlos Boozer: So...Paul Millsap extended his NBA-leading streak of double-doubles to 19 games with 27 points and 14 rebounds last night against the Hornets. And the still-injured Boozer is probably going to opt out and ask the Jazz to pay him close to $100 million in a long-term, guaranteed contract this summer? Yeah. Good luck with that, Carlos.

The Phoenix Suns: Somebody asked me recently whom I root for when two of my favorite teams face off. My answer: Whichever team has the better chance to make and/or progress through the playoffs. After all, every game can be crucial when deciding playoff positioning come springtime. So, naturally, I was forced to root against my Pacers last night in favor of the Suns. And...that didn't work out too well for me (or the Suns). Phoenix once again fell victim to a near-career-high scoring night by an opponent, as Danny Granger blew up for 37 points, three of which came on a buzzer-beater to win the game.


I would like to point out that there were only 0.9 seconds left on the clock when Mike Dunleavy inbounded the ball to Granger. That means Phoenix only had to defend for less than a second to force overtime. And they couldn't do it. Good thing Terry Porter has been stressing defense this season.

Steve Nash: According to the Yahoo! box score, Captain Canada was the Suns' best player last night with 16 points and 12 assists. But watch the video. It was Nash who got dotted by Granger on that game-winning buzzer beater. Congrats on making it into yet another player's poster/highlight film, Steve. Maybe you shouldn't be swimming with those sharks after all. Oh, you also lose points for that fruity chest-bumb with Leandro Barbosa.

"Wonder Douch Powers, activate!Form of...a leaping dork!"
The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade scored 31 points and Shawn Marion added 25, but the Heat still lost by double-digits to the Carmelo Anthony-less Nuggets in Denver. That makes them 1-3 in their last four games.

Dwyane Wade, unintentional dis machine: Regarding the lack of 'Melo in Denver's lineup: "You could see they didn't need him. The guys off the bench stepped up. They have plenty of players that can score." They didn't need their All-Star Olympian, huh? Does that say something about Anthony, something about the Heat, or something about both?

The Detroit Pistons: They shot the ball well (50 percent), they won the rebounding battle (40-28) and they had a lead with under 10 seconds to go. Then they lost when Travis Outlaw hit a crazy fadeaway J over a double-team with 8.9 seconds left. That hurts. Watch it for yourself (starting at 1:53).


Allen Iverson (6-for-19), who blew a layup with 22.9 seconds left and missed a jumper with 3.9 ticks that could have won the game, said: "The things that we needed to go right at the end of the game went all wrong." Yeah, that's one way to put it.

The Golden State Warriors: They suffered one of those bitterly painful come-from-ahead home losses when the Lakers outscored them 37-26 in the fourth quarter. And their interior defense was an insult to any and all human words that could be used to describe it. Pau Gasol scored 33 points and had a career-high 18 rebounds...14 and 8 of which came in the decisive fourth quarter. Memo to Don Nelson: It takes more than hope and happy thoughts looks from you and your players to keep opponents out of the paint. Thanks.

Kobe Bryant: He forced his teammates to listen to several annoying knock-knock jokes on the plane ride back to L.A., including: "Knock Knock. Who's there? Smell Mop. Smell Mop Who...?"

Meaningless trades: The Raptors traded Hassan Adams to the Clippers for a conditional second-round draft pick and cash considerations. The Clippers then waived Adams. Heat traded Shaun Livingston to Memphis for a conditional second-round draft pick in 2012. The Grizzlies then waived Livingston.

Lactivity report: The mighty Chris continues his mission:

Bobcats-Cavs: Juwan Howard gave Charlotte a +2 SD in 3:38 (via one turnover and one foul), while the Cavs' Lorenzen Wright eschewed a potential 4 trillion treasure through one rebound.

Rockets-Celtics: Luis Scola avoided giving Houston a +9 via two rebounds, but Brian Scalabrine, for the second night in a row, has become the go-to guy for representing the essence of the Boston bench (inept and unimpressive) in this slump, getting +1 (foul) in 3:07.

Grizzlies-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts went 7:22 of floor time with a missed shot for a +1.

Hornets-Jazz: Utah's Jarron Collins racked up a 3.7 trillion!

Pistons-Blazers: One brick gave Channing Frye of Portland a +1 in 3:58.

Richard Batista: This doctor from Garden City, New York, donated a kidney to his wife in 2001. Now, however, they're getting a divorce, and Batista wants the kidney -- or it's equivalent value -- back in the settlement. I am not making this up. Oddly enough, this is what he recently had to say about the donation: "There is no greater feeling on this planet. As God is my witness, I felt as if I could put my arm around Jesus Christ. It was an unbelievable; I was walking on a cloud. To this day I would still do it again." But he wants the kidney back. Jesus does NOT approve, Richard.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Charlotte Bobcats, New Orleans Hornets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash, Worst of the Night

"C'mon, dog. Pass me the ball. Don't make me call the Fun Police..."
The Boston Celtics: From an NBA record 27-2 to 2-5 in their last seven games (including back-to-back road losses to sub-.500 teams). Is that a slump? Well, let me put things into perspective for you: The Celtics' "Bizarro" counterpart, the Minnesota Timberwolves, are 5-2 in THEIR last seven games. No, seriously. Check it out. To which Kevin McHale has to be thinking...


So what happened? For starters, the Celtics let the Bobcats -- the league's lowest-scoring team at a "mid-90's Knicks"-like 91.8 PPG -- have their second-best scoring night of the season. Sure, it took a 17-point overtime session for them to get there, but still. Other notable issues included Rajon Rondo's 9 turnovers, the combined 14-for-38 shooting of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, KG's turnover (travelling) with 2:04 left in overtime (and the Bobcats up 3), Paul Pierce's turnover (dribbled the ball out of bounds) with 38 ticks to go in OT (when the Bobcats were still up only 5), the frigid shooting from three-point range (6-for-23)...so on and so forth. And how's this for adding insult to injury? After the game, DJ Augustin -- who plays for a 13-22 team -- had this to say after the game: "They come in and intimidate you and try to punk you. But if you don't back down from them, they kind of fold." Wowowowowowowowow...wow.

So: What's wrong with the Celtics? According to Doc Rivers, opposing teams are gunning for the champs, which requires them to maintain their peak mental focus and intensity on a nightly basis. "We told our team before the season it will be 82 Game 7s. Every time we play it's a Game 7 for the other team. On the nights we're not ready mentally for that, we're going to have to get lucky and play over our head to win." Now, I suppose there's some credence to this. EVERY team wants to beat the champs, especially when the champs talk as much trash as these Celtics do. And for those of you who think other top teams like the Cavs and Lakers go through the same thing, you're wrong. They are not the champs. The champs always take the best and hardest shots. Period.

That being said...I think Doc's theory is only part of the story. I believe the championship hangover that everyone thought the Celtics had managed to avoid simply hit them later than expected. And I think that the 19-game winning streak made the hangover worse, because it lulled them into a false sense of security while simultaneously RAISING expectations. And, honestly, I think Kevin Garnett's recent bouts of superdickery are a result of the increased pressure and expectation that they repeat AND dominate every game, every night. All of which means the challenge isn't as "fun" as it was last season. Instead of enjoying a journey of rebirth and redemption, they're being forced -- for the first time in any of their careers -- to fight and claw and scratch just to hold onto what they've got. Meanwhile, other teams (like the Cavs and Lakers) have gotten better...and Ainge's "stand pat" method of offseason team mismanagement succeeded only in making the Celtics worse.

You know, pressure may make diamonds, but it also turns people into jerks. Don't forget, Larry Bird got into his infamous fight with Dr. J the season AFTER he won his first MVP and the Celtics beat the Lakers in the Finals. I've also read that Bird started talking more trash and becoming harsher and angrier on the court after '84 (and he took some criticism for it). And I remember either hearing him say or reading him comment that it's harder -- and much less fun -- trying to repeat. Because, see, then you have something to lose. That's not the case when you're not the champion. I mean, think about it. Let's say you wake up one day and realize you've gained 10 pounds. It's much easier to motivate yourself to go all out to lose the extra weight than it is to go through the day-to-day drudgery of preventing yourself from gaining it in the first place. It's just human nature to let up a little bit after you've reached a major goal. The "maintenance stage" is always harder.

I think it also bothers KG that his (and Allen's, and to a certain extent Pierce's) NBA clock is nearing midnight. He finally gets to be on a powerhouse team, and it might (read that: probably will) all come undone in the next year or two. See, with L.A. and Cleveland, they have the potential to be very good for several years to come. They could go on winning for the next 5-6 years, barring injury, a free agent defection or somebody demanding a trade for whatever reason. Next year will probably be The End for the Celtics, in terms of them being a serious contender...which, again, makes Ainge's decision to let James Posey walk seem insane. He was willing to introduce a potentially fatal weakness in his team to save one year and $6 million? Really?! It seemed crazy then, and it seems like madness now.

Uh, Kevin, that's not quite "holding onto what you've got."
And don't think for a moment that the bench players aren't feeling pressure to live up to expectations. They get to hear pretty much every day that they're the team's Achilles' heel Walton's foot. That's gotta get to them. And there's not much they can do to disprove it. They simply aren't that talented of a bunch, and they don't have an anchor. I mean, every great bench has to have an anchor guy. Bill Walton was the anchor of that '86 team's reserves, and James Posey was the anchor for last year's group. This year? It's Eddie House...I guess. And no offense to him, because he always brings effort and intensity, but when Eddie House is your bench anchor, there's a big problem. Big enough that, I guess, Ainge is seriously considering bringing in one of the league's all-time locker room cancers. Yep. It really is that bad.

One last point: In that loss to the Knicks, the Celtics didn't bring the serious intensity -- well, except for KG; he was wired all game -- until the fourth quarter. On top of everything else, they're falling into the classic "We can turn it on when we need to" mentality that really good teams (especially post-championship) tend to fall into, particularly when facing teams they always beat or expect to beat easily. I've played enough basketball to recognize when a team starts coasting through parts of a game. And the Celtics have been doing that lately. Because, trust me, they won't win 70 and they might not repeat, but they're better -- much better -- than teams like the Knicks and Bobcats. Now they just have to go out and re-prove it.

Michael Jordan: He spent the game jumping in and out of his courtside seat, arguing almost every call that went against his 'Cats. Great. He's becoming the next Mark Cuban.

Just what we needed: Another Mark Cuban.
The Houston Rockets: On the subject of teams with high expectations being in a slump...the Great Space Coasters have lost five straight on the road for the first time since 2004 and three straight overall for the first time this season. And defense is a problem: Houston let Philly score 104 points on 56 percent shooting...which is a bit higher than their 45 percent season average. Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "We have to really start looking at things and finding out why we're giving up way too high of a percentage to every team that we play. You can't win on the road unless you defend and we haven’t been doing it." But it wasn't just the defense. The Rockets were missing Ron Artest (sore ankle), and then there was...

Tracy McGrady: Here's what AP sportswriter Dan Gelston had to say: "...the Rockets may as well have also played without Tracy McGrady in the second half. McGrady didn't make his first basket of the half until 2:07 remained to make it 98-94, then watched as Sixers rookie Maurice Speights rattled the rim with a dunk that pushed the lead back to six." Knee-Mac finished with 9 assists but only 14 points on 15 shots.

The Yao Watch: A few days ago, I asked Basketbawful readers for an update on The Watch...and my faith was rewarded. Spencer informed me that Dr. Yao had been (to that point) blocked 48 times over the course of the season and Artest Is My Hero found out that, according to 82games.com, 11 percent of Yao's shots get stuffed. Nice work, you two. And Yao had another shot blocked last night, giving him a season total of 49. And so The Watch continues...

The Washington Wizards Generals: They scored 6 points in the second quarter. And yes, that was a franchise-worst total for a single quarter. In that period, the Wiz scored exactly zero points in the last eight minutes by missing 14 straight shots and turning the ball over six times. And even though they made a scrappy second-half comeback...they never could recover from that 'bawful 12-minute span of lacktion. Said interim coach Ed Tapscott: "We put ourselves in the grave in the second quarter." Pretty much, yeah.

The Orlando Magic: Yeah, they held the Wizards to 6 points in the second quarter then let them back in the game and barely held on to win. Said Rashard Lewis: "They've been playing well lately and picked it up in the second half and started making shots. But I thought it was mostly on our end. We got lackadaisical and didn't play good defense. We played terrible on the offensive end, didn't move the ball around, didn't have a rhythm and they got back into the game. We have to learn to beat teams and put them away if we want to be one of the best teams in the league." Pretty much, yeah.

The New York Knicks: How did they follow up their hope-lifting win over the defending champs? By losing to the worst team in the league, of course! The Knicks shot 39 percent while letting the league's fifth-worst offensive team (94.7 PPG) score 107 points on nearly 53 percent from the field. Ah the glory of Mike 'Antoni teams. Said Al Harrington: "We dug ourselves a hole and tried to climb our way out of it and just came up short. No disrespect to those guys, but we were supposed to win this game." Well then. Now you know how the Celtics feel, Al.

The Memphis Grizzlies: They let the Timberwolves come into their house and beat them for their season-high third win in a row. Fail.

Kevin McHale: Yes, his team is on a nearly unbelievable three-game winning streak. But you know that whole O.J. Mayo versus Kevin Love thing? Mayo outscored Love 20-6, out-rebounded him 8-7, out-assisted him 5-1 and had only 1 turnover to Love's 4. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Darius Miles: He played seven minutes and finished with zero points (0-for-2), 2 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. And then he got waived. He's still eligible to sign a 10-day contract with any team, but not being able to stay on with the Grizzlies is kind of an indicator of his worth around the league.

The Chicago Bulls: Let's check the facts. They were playing at home against one of the worst teams in the league. They forced 20 turnovers which were converted into 29 points. They hit a franchise-record 29 consecutive free throws and held a 36-24 advantage in attempts at the line. Yet they barely won. How is that even possible? Well, you can probably point to some spotty defense (the Kings shot 50 percent for the game) and even spottier offense (the Bullies hit only 38 percent of their field goals). Ben Gordon was 6-for-14. Tyrus Thomas was 5-for-13, including 2-7 on jumpers and 0-for-2 on layups (he was 3-for-3 on dunks, though). Andres Nocioni was 1-for-11. After hitting those 29 straight 'throws, they missed three of 'em down the stretch while trying to hold the Kings off. The newly returned Drew Gooden was responsible for two of those misses. Look, all I'm saying is that this victory should go into my suggested "Win That's Not As Good As Others" category in the standings.

David Guthrie, David Jones, Joe Forte: Okay, here's the thing. Not once but TWICE during the Kings-Bulls game, a Sacramento player took a dive on a three-pointer after NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER from a defender and they drew the foul and got three free throws. The first "foul" was called on Thabo Sefolosha with 5:12 remaining (and Kevin Martin hit all three foul shots), while the second was called on Larry Hughes with 21 ticks to go (and Martin hit two of the three free throws). And in the second case, Martin twisted his own ankle coming down from the shot. Again, there was NO contact by the defender. This shouldn't happen once in a game, let alone twice. How do all three refs miss stuff like that? And this isn't the first time I've seen the three-point flop draw a foul this season. It's happening with growing frequency. I think the three-point flop has replaced the draw-an-offensive-foul flop as the NBA's most annoying play. To me, anyway.

The Dallas Mavericks: Okay, so the Clippers were missing Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Zach Randolph (left knee), Mike Taylor (right thumb), Chris Kaman (left knee) and Ricky Davis (serving the second of his five-game NBA suspension for violating the league’s drug policy), and they only won by 5 points at home?! I can't add enough question marks and exclamation points to the end of that sentence. Let's just say it's bad. Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "The way the first half ended was really sort of a microcosm of the game. Just very poor execution on our part. The latter part of the second quarter was our undoing because we gave them life. And then we were poor." You know, when the epitaph of this season's team is written, I think it should end "And then we were poor." Is it just me?

Update! Devean George: I can't believe this got missed. And Basketbawful reader My Mother left a comment to set me straight: "How about Devean George? He played 0.8 seconds and only a foul "So-dumb-I-won't-get-on-the-court-again-this-game" prevented him from a SUPER MARIO?" Well, every source I can find credits George with playing a full second. Either way, he definitely earned a Super Mario for this peformance. And hey, he was on pace to commit...let's see, 60 x 48...2880 fouls if he'd played a full 48 minutes. Impressive. To further update, My Mother -- who is a female, and I'm sorry if at any point I indicated otherwise -- provided proof that George logged less than a full second of PT. The quote: "...and Devean George logged a forgettable 0.8 seconds to end the first half. George fouled Eric Gordon with the Clippers inbounding from the sideline to send Gordon to the free-throw line. He made both shots to pull the Clippers to within 64-54 at halftime." Oh, and here's a pic of his 0.8 seconds of fame. That's the Superiest Super Mario of all time.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Eh...you know what I'm thinking. (But here's a hint in case you don't: Who do I think they are?)

The Los Angeles Lakers: Jordan Farmar (left knee) and Luke Walton (right foot) were already missing, and then they lost Lamar Odom in the second quarter with a hyperextended right knee. And suddenly the Lakers weren't as deep and couldn't finish. That's what a couple injuries will do to you. L.A. scored only 13 points in the fourth quarter -- 2 fewer than David West had in that period by himself -- and had their 15-game home winning streak tossed into a fresh grave.

Kobe Bryant: Mr. Best Finisher in the League failed to finish on a night in which he scored 39 points. Mamba managed only 2 points (on 1-for-6 shooting) in the fourth quarter after going 13-of-16 -- including 6-of-6 from 3-point range -- in the first three quarters. Said Kobe: "After the third quarter, they pretty much weren't going to let me get a shot off." Oh really? When was the last time a team could stop Kobe from getting a shot off? Oh, wait, that's right. Last year's Finals.

Vladimir Radmanovic: Space Cadet was shocked and a little insulted when The Son of Walton replaced him in the starting lineup. But with Luke out, Vlad is a starter once again. Unfortunately for the Lakers. Radman scored 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting in 23 minutes. But the night wasn't a complete waste. I understand he flossed after the game.

Update! Rasual Butler: What should have been a breakaway layup turned into a smother chicken / ego-ectomy combo, courtesy of Dr. Mamba. (Thanks to Flip for the head's up.)



Lacktivity report: Chris's obsession with lacktion continues:

Celtics-Bobcats: Brian Scalabrine had a 3.5 trillion in another Celtics letdown, while Charlotte's Ryan Hollins recorded a 29 second Mario.

Wizards-Magic: Washington's Juan Dixon gave the ball away twice and bricked once for a +3 SD in 3:05.

Wolves-Grizzlies: Another "OJ Mayo Trade Matchup" game leads to another appearance in the lacktivity report for Greg Buckner, whose solitary foul gave him +1 in 3:40.

Clippers-Mavs: Cheikh Samb knocked down a 2.5 trillion for Los Angeles's Other Team.

Hornets-Lakers: In New Orleans's win over the Lakers, Melvin Ely (+2 in 6:10 via a missed shot and foul) and Antonio Daniels (+1 via one brick in 4:06) served as the human victory cigars.

Ahmad Rashad, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Stephanie G: "I feel kinda weird sending all this pervy stuff, but here's another: During the halftime show on NBATV between LA-NO, Ahmad said 'His [CP3's] penetration is a little deeper than most people's.' Webber and Payton didn't seem to notice though." How did they miss that??

LeBron James: Even two days after the fact, "King Crab" can't stop himself from trying to justify his traveling violation against the Wizards: "I've done that move plenty of times and I believe it's a good move. If they called it more consistently, then I guess it ain't a good move then and I'll change my game. But it's not called consistently." Oh, so now he ADMITS he traveled but wants to excuse it based on the fact that it isn't called consistently. Okay, got it.

Of course, LeBron couldn't resist making a dig on everybody who's been calling him out since Crab-Dribble Gate: "Everything I do is a big deal. It's easy for people who don't play the game of basketball to say something about a certain move. You hear all the people on SportsCenter talk about it, but they've never touched a basketball in their lives. They just report about it." Oh, snap! But he's totally right. It's impossible, even with the benefit of slow-motion replay, for a non-basketball player to count the number of steps somebody takes on their way to the basket. Somebody better tell The Count on Sesame Street about that. He's been wasting his time teaching kids to count all these years. What he should have been doing was handing them a basketball.

For the record, Bill Spooner -- the ref who made the call -- explained the situation in an e-mail: "3 steps on the move to the basket. Basic travel call." Pretty much, yeah.

The Phoenix Suns: Some updates on the Suns from Clifton:

On Lopez losing his playing time to Amundson: In Friday's game, Lopez did not make an appearance for the fifth time this season, and he has lost out on playing time to Louis Amundson.

"Overall, I'm still pleased with what he's done," coach Terry Porter said of Lopez. "He just has to be more ready at times.

"When he got into the game the last couple times, it didn't seem like he was ready and as sharp as he needs to be. He just didn't seem to have the focus. Missed two or three balls. Missed some assignments on the defensive end. Missed box-outs, things you have to focus on when you step on the floor."

... "Robin's had some good moments for us. Lou's played really well, so it's hard for us to find any minutes for (Lopez), and that's OK as long as he works hard in practice. It's part of the natural progression rookies have to go through."

Then, after the article in the Notes section, this gem: • Amundson needed seven stitches on his chin after an inadvertent elbow from Lopez during practice Monday.

Yeah, like how Elizabeth Berkeley inadvertently spilled those marbles on the stage in "Showgirls."

Also, Goran Dragic was apparently slated to go to the D-League before his "virus and rash" flared up. Kerr said it's "still an option." The Suns cut Dee Brown today, and rumor has it that they're interested in Shaun Livingston, who was also cut by the Heat today. So, if you're keeping score at home, a one-legged Shaun Livingston is still a better option at backup PG than Blotchy Dragic. Eesh.

Eesh is right. It should NOT be this hard to find a backup PG, should it??

The New York Post: From Basketbawful reader husqvarna in Portland: "Here's a suggestion for WOTN: really crappy 'reporting' by the New York Post -- and really gullible readers commenting on said article. Case in point: Trail Blazers Eyeing Curry. Ok, I realize that unsubstantiated rumors are what the Post does best, but that's ridiculous. Does anybody really believe one of the better GMs in the game is going to trade some half-decent talent and maybe an expiring contract for an overpaid, overweight doorstop who can't defend, clogs up the lane (not in a good way), and who can only score if the ball is dumped to him in the post? This is especially mind-boggling when you consider that Oden is steadily improving (and is still a rookie!), Pryzbilla would be a starter on half of the teams in the league, and both are better defenders than Curry. I mean, come on: There's well-reasoned reporting (and blogging), and then there's wild speculation. Seems like wild speculation should be left to the experts, i.e. the rabid fans commenting on homer blogs." I agree. And if Curry ends up on the Blazers, I'm eating my throwback Clyde Drexler Blazers jersey and replacing it with a Kobe jersey. I kid you not.

China: From Basketbawful reader Jordan G.: "Bad, bad China. You're not supposed to vote into the All-Star Game the third-best player on a sub-.500 team averaging 10 and 6. Especially when that team has not won three games in a row this season. I'm holding down the acid reflex as both Yi and -- gulp --- Vinsanity are mysteriously coming on strong in the All Star voting returns. BTW, I think Yi deserves a nickname. Maybe Yi Jiuicebox? Or maybe Governer Yi (because somehow he's in this All Star voting race)." Now, see, I like Yi Juicebox but I thought his nickname was "The Chairman"? Can I get a confirmation?

Labels: Boston Celtics, Lebron James, Worst of the Night

Here's some more method acting by Larry Bird. And I can only assume his "method" is to pretend to be working on a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle after suffering a deadly head wound. While covered in biting fire ants. Way to make Billy Crystal look like a master thespian, Larry. I wonder if this experience gave Billy the inspiration to write My Giant...


In this Nestle Crunch commercial, the frustration Bird feels at being distracted by the candy-bar-munching janitor is almost palpable. Or something. Bird's exaggerated reaction reminds me of how the late Johnny Carson once said that Chevy Chase "couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner."

Labels: Billy Crystal, Comic Relief, Larry Bird commercials, Nestle Crunch

Antoine Walker: Okay, seriously, when was the last time you remember hearing any GOOD news regarding Unemployee Number 8? No, really. Since he -- okay, must not throw up in own mouth now -- won a championship with the Heat in the summer of 2006, he's been robbed at gunpoint in his own home, blasted by Pat Riley for showing up to training camp too fat, traded to Suburb A of Basketball Hell (otherwise known as the Minnesota Timberwolves), benched permenantly despite playing on a team that would end the season tied for the third-worst record in the league, traded to Suburb B of Basketball Hell (otherwise known as the Memphis Grizzlies), had a shooting death linked to his birthday party, and once again benched permenantly despite playing for a team that finished the previous season tied (with Minnesota) for the third-worst record in the league. Then, when the Grizzlies finally bought out his contract so that he could join a championship contender...nobody wanted him. And now this:

Former NBA player Antoine Walker was charged with suspicion of drunk driving in Miami Beach early Monday morning, further hurting his chances of playing again this season.

Walker was driving a black Mercedes without the lights on when he was pulled over at 5:39 a.m., according to the arrest report. Officers detected a strong odor of alcohol and wrote in the report that Walker had a sleepy look on his face. He refused a breathalyzer test.

Forget the fact that the "sleepy look on his face" jokes practically write themselves. Actually, don't forget it. The very first thing I thought after reading that line was: "What, did the officers ask Antoine to play defense?" Okay. I'm done. Honestly. The best part about the AP writeup of Walker's arrest was that it "further hurts his chances of playing again this season." Suuuuure. I think that Glenn Robinson's "run" with the Spurs in 2005 proved that one-dimensional, shoot-first small forwards don't really have a place on a championship team. Unless that place is rooted firmly to the end of the bench. I mean, by the playoffs, Gregg Popovich wasn't even letting the Big Dog pass out Gatorade during timeouts. So it's pretty unfathomable that a team like the Cavs, Celtics, Lakers or Magic would put 'Toine on the payroll. And he's not exactly a building block for the up-and-coming teams, is he?

Jason Richardson: Like Antoine Walker, he was cited for drunk driving. Like Walker, he was also driving a Mercedes. Unlike Walker, he did it in an American Indian tribal community in metropolitan Phoenix and was also cited for failure to drive in one lane. (But in all fairness, they were teeny, tiny lanes.) I'm looking forward to getting more details on this one.

The Sacramento Kings: The best remedy for a team that struggles to win games at home (like the Nets) is a visit from a really, really bad team (like the Kings). And the Sactowners made the New Jersey-ites feel very good last night. Francisco Garcia was the only member of the Kings' starting lineup to score in double figures...and he finished with 10. Believe it or not, Sacramento actually led by 12 at halftime and entered the fourth quarter with a two-point lead. The final period was close all the way, but a series of bad plays -- a missed layup, a bad foul, giving up an offensive board -- doomed the Kings. Just ask interim coach Kenny Natt: "That wasn't New Jersey, it was the Kings. We're our own worst enemy. Somewhere along the line we're going to have to grow up and grow out of that losing mentality." Way to inspire the troops, coach. I have a feeling Kenny's going to have trouble growing out of that "interim coach" tag.

Dwyane Wade: I know the D-Wade fans aren't going to appreciate this, since Pookie led the Heat with game-highs in points (24) and assists (12). BUT...he also had game-highs in turnovers (5) and shots missed (16). In fact, he missed more shots than anyone on the Spurs even ATTEMPTED. I'm just sayin'. And then there was The Swat. The Heat were trailing 84-81 with about a minute and a half to play when Wade was streaking downcourt for what appeared to be an easy layup. Until Manu Giniboli soared through the air and rejected the living hell out of it. That was a pretty critical ego-ectomy. Watch for yourself:


Tony Parker: Go back and watch TP's defense on that play and you'll know why Ginobili had to make that nearly impossibly block. Way to live up to your national heritage, Tony.

The Toronto Raptors: Just when you thought the Craptors were getting their act togetehr. The Bucks were playing without Andrew Bogut (back spasms) -- and they hadn't won a game without him in 21 months, a streak of nine straight losses when he doesn't play -- but the dinos failed to take advantage of his excused absense...despite shooting over 54 percent for the game. The game was actually tied at 97 with 1:20 to go. Then the Raps missed their final five shots and lost by 10. The loss dropped Toronto to seven games below .500, which makes them a lottery team, even in the East.

The Indiana Pacers: You know, a lot of people don't realize this, but Pacers coach Jim O'Brien was Mike D'Antoni before Mike D'Antoni was Mike D'Antoni. So I guess you could call him Mike D'Antoni Beta. It was O'Brien, remember, that coached an astonishingly flawed Celtics team to 49 wins and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals by encouraging Antoine Walker to shoot MORE often. (Indeed, 'Toine led the league in field goal attempts that season with 1689...20 more than Allen Iverson. The previous season, also under O'Brien, Walker set a career-high with 1720 FGAs.) So, you know, O'Brien's teams have been gunning threes and treating defense as waiting to get back on offense well before D'Antoni's teams were doing it. O'Brien's teams just don't do it quite as well.

To that end, the Pacers scored 115 points last night and yet still lost by 20, mostly because they let the Nuggets shoot 58 percent from the field. Hell, Carmelo might have broken his hand and he still shot 8-for-12. Said Danny Granger: "It was one of those nights where our defense wasn't that great and they were executing really well. It's something that's so frustrating. There's no excuse for the type of defense we played." No, there isn't. Not short of some grevious injury or maybe a stroke. But don't worry, Pacers fans. Mike Dunleavy could return as soon as Wednesday! That should be a real shot in the arm of the team's defense. Oh, wait, I meant a shot in the FOOT.

The Utah Jazz: Yes, they won, but they also got suckered into playing the Warriors' game, surrendering 115 points on 50 percent shooting at home to a 10-win team. And it took some clutch play by Ronnie Brewer to secure the win. That sentence sort of illustrates that something was seriously amiss in Utah.

Utah Jazz fans: Right before halftime, some Jazz fan blew a whistle, which tricked the Warriors into not playing. That, in turn, led to an uncontested breakaway dunk for Kyle Korver. Shouldn't that have led to a technical foul or something?

Corey Maggette, quote machine: Regarding last night's loss, Bad Porn said: "I think our team really played extremely hard tonight. I think our team did a lot of good things." Too bad they didn't do that one really good thing called "winning." But other than that...

Carlos Boozer: He's scheduled for arthroscopic knee surgery on Friday. Mind you, he's already missed 23 straight games, and this procedure will keep him out several more weeks at the very least. This announcement comes a few weeks after he said he was going to opt out of his contract after the season so he can get a pay raise. Meanwhile, in his absense, Paul Millsap has notched 18 consecutive double-doubles, including last night's 19-point, 14-rebound game. And suddenly Carlos is looking a little expendable in Utah, isn't he?

Lactivity report: From Chris: "Only one game racked up any statistics of pure fail -- but it was a beauty, with three gems from San Antonio's tilt with the Heat. Fabricio Oberto's expensive-16 second Mario meshed nicely with Spurs teammate Anthony Tolliver (who turned in a non-performance worth 3.66 trillion). For Miami, Joel Anthony offered a truly bawful starting performance, racking a +5 suck differential (two giveaways and three fouls) in an excruciating 10:36."

Labels: Worst of the Night

walk the dog (wok thuh dahg) phrase. The polar opposite of satelliting, where a player -- in concert with the inbounder -- tries to save as much time as possible in moving the ball downcourt by letting the inbounder roll or bounce the ball into play while they guard the ball without touching it and therefore starting the clock.

Usage example: Rajon Rondo Chris Paul walks the dog more than any other player in the league. Steve Nash Rajon Rondo probably comes in second and Steve Nash is a distant third.

Word history: The term "walking the dog" as well as (save for a few word changes) the definition shown above was invented by Basketbawful reader Manamongst Hussein in an email to me quite some time ago. I just didn't have the proper videographic example. Until now.


Oddly enough, some players -- Rajon Rondo Chris Paul in particular -- often use this maneuver at various points through out a game, even when time isn't a factor. I have no idea why they do it. Walking the dog makes perfect sense in end-of-game situations where every tick of the clock is as precious as a cheerleader covered in chocolate frosting. But doing it, say, midway through the second quarter...is there any benefit? I guess that, in theory, it saves time on the shot clock. But I can't imagine that it provides much of an advantage over time. Can we get the guys at 82games.com on this?

Update! I received a comment and a few emails from readers who believed that Jack McCallum coined the phrase in his magnum opus :07 Seconds or Less. Which he did...sort of. Only he didn't create the term; Kevin Tucker, the Phoenix Suns' director of security, did. And it doesn't mean quite the same thing. From the book (page 270):

And then there was the Nash number: One shot taken in the second half. But as the coaches review the game film, the explanation for it seems painfully obvious: The Mavericks threw constant double-teams at him, sometimes triple-teams, and Nash almost never had an open perimeter shot or a clean path to drive. On the rare occasions when a big man had to defend Nash alone (last night it was usually DeSagana Diop), that defender did a good job and discouraged Nash from even attempting to break him down, or, as Kevin Tucker always shouts from the bench when Nash is isolated on a big, "walking the dog."

So, no, we did not steal this Word of the Day from Mr. McCallum. And for the record, McCallum's Unfinished Business is much, much better than :07 Seconds or Less. In point of fact, that book is THE reason I started writing about sports back in the day, which led to a 10,000-word story on my high school girl's varsity basketball team that took up half of one issue of the school paper...and earned me a hairy eyeball from my advisor (who probably regretted giving me the freedom to do that piece). The story was, however, nominated for some award that I didn't win. I'd probably remember what the award was if I'd won it. But whatever.

Labels: fan submissions, Lebron James, Rajon Rondo, Word of the Day

The above picture was provided by Stephanie G.

The Houston Rockets: The Great Space Coasters were facing off against a Raptors team that had dropped 13 of 17 (including four straight at home), were without starting center Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (sore right hamstring) and lost starting point guard Jose Calderon early in the second quarter (strained right hamstring)...and they STILL put forth one of their worst efforts of the 2008-09 campaign. Houston scored a season-low 73 points on a season-worst 34 percent shooting while committing a season-high 22 turnovers. Imagine what would have happened if they'd played a team that WASN'T seven games below .500. Said Rafer Alston: "For us, it's embarrassing. I think they want to hand out pink slips and fines the way we’ve been approaching our game and going about our business lately." What's more, Skip To My Lou indicated that things aren't all puppy dogs and delicious candy in the team's locker room. Are the Rockets all on the same page? "Not at all, not one bit. We had this happen the other night in Houston and it happened tonight. It's sad and it's unfortunate." Not to mention pathetic and inexcusable. And you'd better believe that the source of their saddle sore is none other than...

Tracy McGrady: He's a quitter. Tracy McGrady quits. And not only in the first round of the playoffs, either. He quit on the Raptors because he didn't want to play second fiddle to Vince Carter, he quit on the Magic because the team couldn't win (until he left anyway), and at least one journalist identified January 2, 2009, with 1:16 left in the third quarter, as The Moment that T-Mac quit on the Rockets. That was when Jamario Moon strolled in for an uncontested dunk and all McGrady did was take a half-hearted swipe at thin air. You can watch this travesty unfold starting at the 1:30 mark of this video:


The local broadcasters did not take that play well. Vplay-by-play man Bill Worrell said: "McGrady could have made some kind of effort." Color commentator Matt Bullard added: "You don't just give somebody an open dunk." Oh, but the problem wasn't the lack of effort. It was a lack of shot attempts. Just ask Tracy himself.


You can probably understand Rick Adelman's reluctance to call McGrady's number if you just look at, you know, the facts. Such as: Over his last six games, T-Mac has scored 12, 4, 11, 15, 7 and 4 points (8.8 PPG) on 20-63 shooting (31.7 percent). But what's worst than that is that he hasn't been trying. Not just on that Moon dunk, but all the time. And -- surprise, surprise! -- he's sitting out tonight's game in Atlanta because he wants to rest that sore knee that doctors have said won't be made worse by playing.

And that's T-Mac for you. I've always thought of T-Mac as the Bizarro Kobe. Like Superman and Bizarro Superman, Kobe and McGrady have the same (or similar) "powers," but whereas Kobe is single-mindedly obsessed with getting the absolute most out of his body and his skills, McGrady always seems satisfied with where he's at, as though what he's done is enough. Sure, he might cry during a postgame press conference after his latest first-round defeat, but one wonders whether he channels that same level of emotion into his offseason rehab and training. It sure doesn't seem that way. But I'm sure the problem is just that he's not getting enough touches. Sure.

Dwyane Wade / The Miami Heat: It was the Battle of Florida, and D-Wade scored 33 points. Unfortunately, those points all came in the first three quarters. He put in zero points on 0-for-3 shooting to go along with an assist and a turnover during a fourth quarter that saw him facing relentless double-teaming from the Magic, who pulled away for an 86-76 win. And Wade sounded a little petulant about it afterward: "They were all doubling. We all knew what Stan was going to do. It's not a secret that after a while they were going to send the guys. He does it every time we play them." Well, then, if that's the case...why didn't the Heat game-plan for it? And why didn't anyone else step up for Miami? Every time there's a double-team, that means somebody else is open, right? Only the Heat don't have a lot of "step it up" players. Shawn Marion sure thought he was one in Phoenix, but he shot 1-for-6 and finished with 4 points, 4 fouls and 3 turnovers. Mario Chalmers was 1-for-11. Michael Beasley scored 8 points on 9 shots. So basically: Stop Wade, stop the Heat. Sounds simple enough. And it was for the Magic.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: Regarding little-used big-man Jamaal Magliore: "He's like the guys in hockey who can't skate, but have one role. His role is to beat the hell out of people." You know, Stan Van could have just said "He's like the guys in BASKETBALL who can't play..." and it would have been pretty much the same but a little more accurate.

The Washington Wizards: Yeah, that 108-83 beatdown by the Celtics was pretty much what everybody expected after a very angry Boston team returned home from that brutal Western Conference road trip. But still: The Istari's 2-13 road record and 6-25 overall record are the worst in the East and second-worst -- to the Thunder!! -- in the entire league. And Gilbert Arenas just said he's going to need "a month and a half" of practice before he plays in a game. That's a $111 million bargain, my friends.

The Atlanta Hawks: Damn. What a crappy way to lose.


My question: Why didn't the Josh Smith get out on Vince? What, he thought Carter was going to take it to the basket?

The New Jersey Nets: They finally won one at home. But it took a near-miracle shot to do it. I'm just sayin'.

Devin Harris, quote machine: Regarding Vinsanity's game-winner: "It was the best, most-worst, most terrific shot I have ever seen go in."

The New York Knicks: Damn. What a crappy way to lose.


Nice D by Chris Duhon, huh? (He's darn close to becoming "Chris Uhon," by the way.) It should be noted that Jack had a season-high 29 points to go along with the game-winning shot. That's one point off his career-high, by the way.

The Chicago Bulls: Anderson Varejao exploded for a career-high (and game-high) 26 points -- yes, you read that correctly -- and LeBron ended up with a "barely trying" triple-double (16 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists) as the Bulls lost by 25. And the game never even seemed THAT close. It got so bad that Andres Nocioni and Joakim Noah got into it, with Noc using the dreaded "F" word. Just listen.


Their little catfight continued on the bench, but Noah said there are no hard feelings. "When you're losing by 20 points, you're frustrated. It's the heat of the moment, things are said. But I don't have any problems with him (Nocioni). Losing is frustrating." Yay for team unity!

Derrick Rose: It was a rough night for the rookie, who picked up two fouls in the first 81 seconds of the game and finished with 3 points (1-for-6) and 2 assists. And in the third quarter, he received an ego-ectomy from Dr. James. Rough night for the rook.

The Golden State Warriors: Uh, yeah, the defense is still a problem despite Don Nelson handing over defensive responsibilities to his assistants. The Timberwolves, the Minnesota Timberwolves, dropped 115 points on the hapless Warriors...who now have only three more wins than the 'Wolves. And Captain Jack can hardly believe it: "These are games that we should win, I feel that we should win, and we're not winning them." Hm. Could be because you guys aren't that good, Cap.

Don Nelson, quote machine: Regarding Al Jefferson, who dominated the Warriors with 32 points and 10 rebounds, Nellie said: "We couldn't handle Iron Man. I just watched the movie with my grandkids. That's who he reminds me of. He had his way with us." Iron Man? Really??

The Klama City Thunder: Damn. What a crappy way to lose.


The Enver Nuggets: Just when you thought they were all about the defense...the Nuggets go through a four-game stretch where they've given up 110, 109, 107 and 120 points. And that 120 was surrendered to the Thunder, who also shot 58 percent [!!!] from the field and 61 percent from downtown. And it took a Carmelo Anthony three-pointer with 0.1 seconds left to pull out a 122-120 victory over the Klahma Citians. Said Nuggets coach George Karl: "I want to get out of town before the sheriff catches us for stealing." Indeed. But your crimes against defense were even worse, George.

The Sacramento Kings: Holy crap. The Pistons were without Richard Hamilton (groin), Rasheed Wallace (foot) and Antonio McDyess (ribs), which meant they had to start Kwame Brown and Amir Johnson together for the first time. Didn't matter. Rodney Stuckey dropped 38 on them, including 13 in the decisive fourth quarter. It was only the second 30-point game of Stuckey's career. The Kings have now lost nine straight on the road. They're 2-14 outside of Arco this season.

The Charlotte Bobcats: With Michael Jordan in attendance to watch the team e built, the Bobcats shot 37 percent, committed 23 turnovers and lost by 28 to the Milwaukee Buckaroos. Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "We played like a team of total strangers." You might even say...Perfect Strangers! As the great Balki Bartokomous once said: "You're right there, cousin: even we don't know what we're doing."

The Phoenix Suns: Yes, they won. But they were playing a Clippers team that, well, for one, they're the Clippers. But L.A. dressed only 10 players, since they're without Zach Randolph (sore left knee), Baron Davis (bruised tailbone), Mike Taylor (fractured right thumb), Chris Kaman (strained left arch) and Ricky Davis (sore left knee). Plus they lost guard Jason Hart in the first quarter with right elbow tendinitis. And the Suns -- playing at home, by the way -- won by only 8. Ugh. Said Suns coach Terry Porter: "I'm happy about the win, but obviously disappointed with the way we closed the game out. We started great in the first three quarters, but the last three quarters...I guess we just thought they were going to fold their tents after that." Wait, wait, wait, Terry. The game lasted SIX quarters?!

The Portland Trail Blazers: They were outscored 41-19 in the final 15 minutes and ended up losing by 15 at home to a Hornets team that lost Tyson Chandler in the third quarter. Speaking of which...

Tyson Chandler and Joel Przybilla: Chandler popped Przybilla a good one, but the Vanilla Godzilla wasn't all pearly white and innocent. The altercation started when Joel had his hand on Tyson's chest. Tyson was pointing at it, presumably to get a call. When that didn't happen, he slapped down, and Joel responded by forearmed Tyson in the chest. Then Tyson erupted. Watch for yourself:


Phil Jackson, quote machine: Regarding Trevor Ariza, who single-handedly ended Utah's comeback attempt by snatching two of his season-high five steals in the last 2:22 and scoring two fast-break baskets, the Zing Master said: "Two plays in a row Trevor changed the game. He anticipates well. He's a cobra out there and he just strikes." The Mamba and the Cobra. Beware, NBA. Beware.

Friday's lactivity report: Courtesy of Chris:

Heat-Magic: Miami's Yakhouba Diawara (making another appearance in this section) and Chris Quinn were 58 second Mario Brothers.

Hawks-Nets: In 12 seconds, THE Mario West avoided a Mario through a made three! However, teammate Solomon Jones did score an epic Super Mario of a mere 3 seconds, which is less time than it takes to read this entry.

Bulls-Cavs: Cleveland's Darnell Jackson scored a +4 (two bricks, one rejection, and a foul) in 6:35 of lakction.

Kings-Pistons: Will "The Other" Bynum notched a 7 second Super Mario for Detroit's bench.

Spurs-Grizzlies: Ime Udoka scored a 2.65 trillion, while the overpaid Fabricio Oberto avoided a +1 in 2:16 through one rebound.

Warriors-Wolves: The Warriors' underwhelming bench avoided a negative score as Kelenna Azubuike's potential +4 in 16:29 of fail was negated by a rebound. However, for McHale's Navy, Rashad McCants racked a +4 (a trio of bricked threes, plus a turnover) in 6:35.

Clippers-Suns: Phoenix's Jared Dudley earned a near 2 trillion.

Jazz-Lakers: Josh Powell spent only 21 seconds on the floor at Staples to give the home team a Mario

The Houston Rockets / Mike Bibby: Damn. What a crappy way to lose. Also, Mike, what's up with that "corn cob stuck way up in my butt" victory dance?


The Yao Watch: The Hawks had four blocked shots. Three of them were against Yao. Sadly, I've now lost track of how many of Yao's shots have been blocked this season. I'll give an extra special Basketbawful shoutout to anybody willing to get that number for me.

Tracy McGrady: Sure, the Rockets lost. But you'll notice they put forth a much better effort without T-Mac in the lineup...

The Chicago Bulls: The blowout loss in Cleveland was painful but excusable. But losing by double digits at home to the Timberwolves? As a Bulls fan, the only thing that's keeping me from swallowing a bottle of pills is, well, the fact that I have other things to live for. The Bullies, who have now lost six of their last seven games, gave McHale's Navy their first winning streak of the season. Sure, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng and Drew Gooden are all out with injuries, but I don't think that justifies a home loss to the Timberpups. And neither does Andres Nocioni: "I don't think it's because of the some people that are out. I think it's because we are not playing well, we're not playing enough (defense) to win, we're not stopping the people in the last 5 minutes when we need to stop people, so I think we need to quit with the excuses." Agreed.

Vinny Del Negro: Despite the fact that his team is tailspinning toward a violent crash, Del Negro is pretty excited. About what, you ask? Well, that Noah-Nocioni spat on Friday gave him a real jolly. Said Vinny: "I like when guys get on each other and show some intensity and show some will to win and kind of get after it a little bit. I like that." Uh, I hate to be the one to tell you, Vinny, but there's good intensity and bad intensity. And I'm not so sure that little fight was of the good variety. But hey, I hope you're enjoying the weather in that fantasy world you're living in. Smurf Village, right?

Charlie Villanueva: Big Smooth killed any chance of a Bucks rally in one foul-crazy half-minute. First, he was called for a flagrant-1 foul after clotheslining Gerald Wallace to the floor on a layup attempt with 4:35 left. Then, 22 seconds later, he got T'd up after getting called for another foul on Wallace. That gave the Bobcats a five-point possession, and pretty much decided the game. Way to keep your cool, Charlie.

The New Jersey Nets: The Devin Harris-less Nets could have pulled off an upset in Miami...if not for Dwyane Wade's block party. D-Wade had three wicked-awesome blocks late in the game, including two against Brook Lopez, who -- in case you didn't know it -- is seven feet tall. Watch and be suitably impressed.


Said Heat bench jockey Yakhouba Diawara: "I think Lopez is going to dream of Dwyane Wade tonight."

The Philadelphia 76ers: Damn. What a crappy way to lose.


Memo to Philly: You should probably block out on last-second shots. And also: It helps if you don't get down by 21 on the road in the first quarter.

Saturday's lactivity recap: Again from Chris:

Bucks-Bobcats: Charlotte's Alexis Ajinca struck it rich with a 1 trillion.

Nets-Heat: Jarvis Hayes was quite bawful off of the New Jersey bench, racking up quite a few negative individual achievements in his 16:14 of lacktion. He managed a truly atrocious +11 through three bricks, two turnovers, and SIX personal fouls, also leading the team in worst +/- with a minus thirteen. In a one-man highlight show for Dwayne Wade that came down to overtime, Hayes served as the Achilles heel of an already weak Nets' reserve corps (which scored a mere 9 points, compared to 43 from the Miami bench).

The Orlando Magic / Dwight Howard: The Magic lost to the Craptors -- who were sans starters Jermaine O'Neal and Jose Calderon -- despite a 39-point supernova from Superman. Of course, Superman's Kryptonite -- otherwise known as his seven missed free throws -- were a big part of that. Regarding Howard's 11-for-18 performance from the line, Magic coach Stan Van Gundy said: "That's about what he shoots, but it's not good enough. Sixty percent at the free throw line makes it tough. We've got a tremendous advantage down there. They couldn't guard him at all, but they get to the fourth quarter and they just foul and it's one for two every time. Then you're coming to the other end and it's two for two. That's a big difference." Indeed it is. For his part, though, Howard -- who's shooting a career-low 56.7 percent from the charity stripe -- adopted a very Shaq-like philosophy after the game: "I'm going to miss free throws. I'm not 100 percent from the line. I've just got to have confidence when I step up there to make them. I know Stan gets on me a lot, but I'm going to miss some and I’m going to make some." Wow. It's only a matter of weeks, maybe days, before he starts saying things like "I make them when they count."

Cleveland Cavaliers / LeBron James: A loss to -- and a season-low 77 points against -- the Eastern Conference-worst Washington Wizards Generals? Really?! Wow. And LeBron even got called for travelling on a potential game-tying layup with 2.3 seconds left. And James was hilariously indignant about it afterward. Said the King: "Bad call. We all make mistakes, and I think I got the wrong end of the bargain. I watched it 10 times after the game, and it was clearly a good play. You have your trademark play, and that's one of my plays. It kind of looks like a travel because it's slow, and it's kind of a high-step, but it's a one-two just as fluent as any other one-two in this league. I got the wrong end of it, but I think they need to look at it -- and they need to understand that's not a travel. It's a perfectly legal play, something I've always done." Well, I'll agree that LeBron's always done it. But I'm sorry, 'Bron. One dribble followed by three steps is a travel. I don't know what tape James was watching, but this one showed me a pretty obvious travelling violation.


LeBron calls this "trademark move" his "crab dribble" and claims it's perfectly legal. And, natch, he was stunned the refs weren't familiar with that section of the official NBA rule book: "I don't know what [the official] said I did. I was trying to get an explanation from him but he ended up running to the other side of the floor. It was a bad call. Like I said, I watched it in the [locker] room. I took a crab dribble, which is a hesitation dribble, and then two steps. Everybody, you call guys can watch it. The bad part about it was I was able to finish at the rim with contact, so it would have been a three-point play. So it's tough." AND he wanted the "And one!" Talk about a grandiose sense of entitlement.

But LeBron wasn't done explaining. "What happens is when you take a crab dribble and you hesitate, that is not one step, because you still basically have a live ball. And then when you go into your one-two that's when the steps get counted. So if you look at the play, I take a crab dribble and find a crease and then I take my one-two. So it's a perfectly legal play, something I've always done and always been successful with." Again, yes, he's always done it and he's been very successful with it. But, uh, no. Not legal.

Caron Butler, quote machine: Regarding the controversial (but totally correct) travelling call on LeBron: "I definitely knew he traveled, but I didn't know they were going to call it. That was one of them situations in which a great player made a move, good officiating, and they called the call. And I was like, 'Oh, man, there is a God.'"

The Los Angeles Clippers: Damn. What a crappy way to lose. They are who...well, you know.


Note that, due to injuries, the Clips were sporting a starting lineup of Eric Gordon, Fred Jones, Brian Skinner, Marcus Camby and Al Thornton. Ughs all around.

Allen Iverson, quote machine: Regarding his game-winning shot, which came on a goal-tending call: "You know you're having a bad-shooting game when you get the game-winner -- and that don't even go in."

The Dallas Mavericks: They suffered a 20-point loss to the Grizzlies of Memphis on a night when starters Jason Kidd, Devean George and Erick Damper COMBINED for 5 points and Jose Juan Barea came off the bench to grab twice as many rebounds (6) as both Dampier and Dirk Nowitzki (who had 3 each). Seriously, the Mavericks have to be one of the worst 20-13 teams I've ever seen.

The Boston Celtics: This game was over before it even started. The Knicks won the game when, before the opening tip, NBATV stat-cursed the Bostonites by noting that the Knicks hadn't beaten the Celtics at Madison Square Garden since March 23, 2005. When I saw that, I knew the C's were going to lose. And they did by turning their lamest, most half-hearted game of the season. They allowed 100 points for just the eighth time in 35 games this season while scoring the fewest points allowed by the Knicks THIS SEASON. They were jawing at the refs, they were jawing at each other, and they really didn't start trying hard until the fourth quarter. It's official: The Celtics are coasting. At some point during that 19-game winning streak, they either consciously or unconsciously adopted the belief that they can turn it on whenever they want. So the championship hangover DID hit them...it was just a little delayed.

Sunday's lactivity summary: Chris strikes again:

Magic-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl once again provided negative contributions for Toronto, earning a +4 in 11:27 (one missed shot and three fouls).

Mavs-Grizzlies: Shawne Williams missed two shots for +2 in 2:26 of lacktion for Dallas, while Darius Miles becomes one of the more notable trillionaires ever, giving Donald Sterling's real-life fantasy basketball team a 1.75 trillion.

Celtics-Knicks: Boston's bench was singlehandedly outscored by Al Harrington (30-24) in the Knickerbockers' upset of the Celtics at Madison Square Garden. Gabe Pruitt did the green and white proud with a 1.6 trillion, while Patrick O'Bryant ruined his revenue generation through one steal.

Blazers-Lakers: Ike Diogu threw a brick for +1 in 1:53, while Sun Yue missed from downtown and took a foul for +2 in 1:29.

Kobe Bryant: Luke Walton missed the Lakers' matchup with the Blazers because of inflammation in the big toe on his right foot. When he tried to say "hi" to Mamba in the locker room before the game, Kobe ignored him but muttered under his breath: "More like inflammation of the vagina."

Labels: Lebron James, signature moves, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Weekend

"Well, almost."

Labels: Larry Bird, Larry Bird is so very ugly, old school commercials

Basketbawful reader Simas sent in the following e-mail: "I live in Lithuania and last season two players from the USA played for my team -- Zalgiris Kaunas. The two guys were great friends: DeJuan Collins and Marcus Brown. The one was spectacular playmaker, the other a fabulous shooter. Since there is no David Stern, they could speak to the media however they wanted to. As a result, the interviews were HILARIOUS and the fans loved them. You wil never see this in the NBA. Check them out." Simas then provided a list of some really funny videos. Here they are...very much worth a watch.

1. The missing DVD:


2. "I'll bite the camera! Om nom!":


3. Silent comments:


4. "I saved 20 percent on my car insurance...and tried to take that energy into today":


5. The correlation between porn and oncourt performance:


There are some other gems on YouTube, like this video in which Collins explains that "If they're not ready, we're gonna bust their ass." Honestly, these interviews remind me of the late-80s and early-90s when guys like Mychal Thompson, Kevin McHale and Charles Barkley were allowed to speak their minds a little more freely than are today's players. Although, to be honest, we still get this kind of material from Shaq. You know, when he's not demanding more shots and questioning why his team's offense isn't run primarily (read that: only) through him.

This sort of goes along with Tuesday's post about Johnny Most. Passion and humor are largely spontaneous things. And I tend to think the NBA would be a much more interesting league to follow if Stern let his players off the leash a little.

Labels: David Stern would never allow this, fan submissions, overseas, Videos

I guess Vince had a New Year's Eve party he needed to get to.
This is how much I love you people: I'm defying a wicked hangover to bring you the Worst of the Night. Never doubt my devotion.

The Chicago Bulls: I always say that teams who have to play on the road on a major holiday are usually at a serious disadvantage. That was not the case in Chicago last night, where the Bulls pulled a Rex Grossman against the Magic. Ben Gordon scored 18 points on 17 shots. Derrick Rose had zero assists and shot 5-for-13. Aaron Gray went scoreless (0-for-2) and committed 5 fouls in 15 minutes (and Dwight Howard pushed him around like he was a sack of used cotton balls). Thabo Sefolosha was 3-for-10. The Bulls shot 42 percent and were down 65-38 at halftime...and the game was pretty much over. They've now lost four of five games and are watching .500 slip further from their grasp. Said Ben Gordon: "I think we can play a lot better than we're playing right now." I certainly hope so. Because when Joakim Noah (19 points, 11 rebounds) and Larry Hughes (15 points, 6-for-12) are your top performers, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

The New Jersey Nets: The Nets were held to a season-worst 75 points (on 37 percent shooting) by a Pistons team that was missing Rip Hamilton (groin) and Antonio McDyess (ribs), and lost Rasheed Wallace to a foot injury in the first half. Normally you're in pretty good shape when the team you're playing against is missing half its starters. And the Nets might have been if not for...

Vince Carter: Carter went "Vinsane" on referee Derrick Stafford when the call on a second-quareter out-of-bounds play didn't go his way. As a result, he got two quick techs and had to be restrained by teammates and his coach. And if you hear them tell the tale, Vince was the victim. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "Vince thought the ball went off Allen (Iverson) and said something, and that's when he got a technical. That's when the official said something that Vince didn't think was appropriate and he reacted. We felt it was unjust that he got ejected." (Translation: It was the ref's fault.) Added Devin Harris: "The ejection was too quick. Something inappropriate was said, allegedly, but I didn't hear it." (Translation: Aliens are coming. Beware.)


Carter blew off the media after the game, and crew chief Dan Crawford refused a request for a comment from Stafford about what he might have said to Vince. So you can probably file this one under "How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Tootsie Roll Center Of A Tootsie Pop?" The world may never know.

The Toronto Raptors: The Craptors dropped their fourth straight home game, marking the first time they've blown that many in a row in Canada since 2006. They're a Nets-like 5-9 at home, they've lost 13 of 17 overall, and at 12-20 they're 12th in the Leastern Conference. And Chris Bosh is pretty bummed about it. "I wish we could wipe the slate clean to be honest with you. I wish we could start over. We definitely have a challenge ahead of us." In other Craptors news, Jose Calderon is an amazing 72-for-72 from the line this season. Yep. I said it. Let the stat curse begin.

George Karl, bad beer machine: After his team won their last game of 2008 to improve their record to 21-12, coach Karl said: "I'm not a champagne guy. I'm a beer guy and some red wine, but I think it's Coors Light tonight. Beer after a win tastes like champagne." I'm sorry. But Coors Light never, under any combination of circumstances, tastes like anything but toilet water strained through dirty gym socks. Not exactly the drink I'd choose to celebrate my 900th career coaching victory.

Let me share a little story with you. A few years back, me and my buddy Statbuster roadtripped to my alma mater for a weekend of rampant drinking. We met up with one of my college buddies, Hew, who was still living in town. At one point, very late in the night, it was Hew's turn to buy a round, and he sprung for a pitcher of Coors Light. Statbuster and I were about five or six sheets to the wind by then, and we STILL wouldn't touch the stuff. Hew, who was working as a student teacher and therefore didn't have a lot of excess spending cash, defended himself by informing us that the pitcher cost him only $2. That was the epiphany-like moment when Statbuster and I realized that once you've graduated from college and can afford decent beer, you lose the ability to enjoy (read that: tolerate) crappy beer, barring special circumstances. (If, for instance, you know somebody tending bar and they can get you as many Pabst Blue Ribbons as you want for free. Most scientists agree that free beer always tastes like Gwen Stefani squeezed it out of her breasts. Look it up.)

The Yao Watch: Basketbawful reader eljpeman left the following comment: "I was reviewing the box scores in Y! Sports, and you can add Luke Ridnour to the list of people that can block Yao. I just hope I don't stat curse the Yao watch!" I hope not either, eljpeman. And for the record, the Bucks had exactly two blocked shots last night...and both of them were against Yao. Wah-wah-waaaaaaah.

The Houston Rockets: Yes, they won. Technically speaking. But it was a hideous abomination of a game that left Rockets players disgusted with themselves and each other. Said Ron Artest: "We've got to play better and that's it. There's so much of the game where we have to play better. To sum it up, that win was not even a win." Added Yao Ming: "I really am not excited about the win. This keeps happening and happening since the Utah game, so I cannot be happy about this." Somebody get Yao some Coors Light and fast.

The Milwaukee Bucks: You know that game the Rockets were disgusted about winning? Well, the Bucks lost it. I'm just sayin'.

The Golden State Warriors: The Thunder were going to get their fourth win of the season eventually, and "eventually" became "last night" thanks to the defenseless non-effort of the Warriors. Oddly, the Warriors have played more road games (21) than any other team in the league this season. And they've lost 17 of 'em. What's worse is that three of their next four games are away from home too. By the end of that stretch, they will have played 24 games on the road and only 14 at home. So, you know, I guess the NBA schedule maker hates the Warriors. Regarding their latest roadkilling, coach Don Nelson said: "I am not crying about the schedule and I don't talk that much about it. There are probably reasons why players don't have the pop some nights and have it other nights. Bottom line is, we had too many guys that didn't have the pop tonight." Which must explain why they committed 20 turnovers and let the Thunder score 14 points over their season average.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They are who we thought they were. I know some of you might be tired of hearing that, but I'm going to keep writing it as long as they keep being who we thought they were. So don't kill the messenger, okay? They lost a revenge game against the team that stole Elton Brand from them, and Brand wasn't even playing. And they lost it at home. The crowd started chanting "Fire Dunleavy!" in the final minute, and Clippers owner Donald Sterling said afterward: "Not one of my better nights. I don't take losing well." Uh, really, Donald? Really?? As Basketbawful reader Mladen pointed out in an email: "Wow, I'm surprised he's still alive then." Wow is right.

The Clips shot 40 percent and committed 18 turnovers that were converted into 25 points by the Sixers. Mike "He won't be the Clippers coach in 2009-10" Dunleavy said: "We just didn't do a good job of seeing the ball and gave up easy baskets. There's a lot of good play out there for us, but there were a lot of mental errors." Regarding a technical foul he picked up in the first half -- his third in the last three games -- Dunleavy said: "I'm trying to protect my players. I see something I don't think is right. When I get them (technicals), I'm right." And therein lies one of Dunleavy's biggest problems: He always, in all circumstances, believes he's right and everybody who disagrees with him is wrong.

Lacktion report: Here's Chris with the last lacktion report of '08:

Nets-Pistons: New Jersey's Trenton Hassell just avoided an epic 13 trillion via a rebound and a foul, while a pair of truly spectacular Mario Brothers developed for Detroit. Walter Hermann spent 15 seconds on the floor, while in possibly the shortest on-court appearance known to date, Alex Acker had a Super Mario of a mere TWO SECONDS.

Bucks-Rockets: Luc Mbah a Moute may hve a cool name, but two steals and a block are all that have kept him from the wrong side of the stat sheet, as his 18:34 of playing time were punctuated by 2 bricks, a turnover, and four fouls for what was a potential +7. However, his Milwaukee teammate Francisco Elson racked up a +1 (giveaway) in 4:51, and Dan Gadzuric avoided another appearance here via two rebounds to negate a potential +1 in 7:21.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Bosh, Coors Light, George Karl, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, Milwaukee Bucks, New Jersey Nets, Toronto Raptors, Vince Carter, Worst of the Night