Labels: race relations, swine flu, zombies
Labels: crazy people, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science
Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire racked up a brick and rejection for a +2 in 5:01, his second straight game with a suck differential!The ESPN Playoff Ticker: Several of you loyal 'bawfulites pointed out a little problem with The Network's ability to track series standings. Unless, of course, the first round just got a whole lot longer and nobody told us about it.
Atlanta brought out multiple human victory cigars with varying results: Mario West ruined a potential eleven trillion with an assist, but Acie Law laid down a brick from downtown and a giveaway for a +2 in 4:59, while Randolph Morris took a foul and brick for his own +2 in 3:21 (that also notched a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl). And Thomas Gardner raked in a payday of 1.35 trillion!
Hornets-Nuggets: Lacktivity was in abundance in yet another thwacking by Denver, the conclusion to their first playoff series victory in 15 years. First off was Byron Scott's duo of dubiousness, as Julian Wright flew into the ledger with a brick-and-foul +2 in 3:57, while Ryan "Absolutely Not Bruce" Bowen saw his teammate's unproductivity and upped the ante by adding a rejection to his own identical stats for a +3 in 1:38.
Not to be outdone, George Karl sent out several walking embodiments of nicotine to celebrate his first series conquest as Nuggets coach. Jason Hart took one foul for a +1 in 1:37, while Renaldo Balkman scored a Mario 64 (not a true Mario, but a 64 second stint!) with one brick from the steps of the Denver Mint for +1.
Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chris Paul, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, officiating
Bulls-Celtics: Lindsey Hunter aimed for the on-screen dog with his Zapper and sniped out his second consecutive Mario, a 45-second stint that strangely enough included a board. (This shout out to video gaming's greatest plumber is the first productive sub-minute stint in the Association this postseason).This damn recession: Want to hear a sad story? Well, here you go (via Chris): "Now a little piece of that victory is up on the auction block. In a testament to the far reach of the recession, former Bulls guard and assistant coach to the Sacramento Kings, Randy Brown, has declared bankruptcy, and his three championship rings will be for sale to the highest bidder via online auction at WestAuction.com. ... These hard financial times have impacted everyone, and Brown is no exception. 'It's a tough situation,' says Dennis West, of West Auctions, the company charged with auctioning the rings. 'Randy seems like a really good guy, and he was a great player. However, these are tough times for a lot of people from a variety of backgrounds. People are making difficult financial decisions, and for some that means bankruptcy.' With bankruptcy rates rising rapidly across the nation, you can expect many more auctions in the future."
Meanwhile, Eddie House resides firmly in the lacktion report tonight with a 9:39 stint that included one brick from the Tobin Bridge, one rejection, and a foul for a +3 suck differential.
Sixers-Magic: Royal Ivey put on a princely performance as the Sixers' key lacktator, fouling once and tossing a brick from downtown for a +2 in 5:53. On the other end of the court, Tony Battie went picking for fire-flowers with a 15 second Mario.
Mavs-Spurs: Ryan Hollins finishes out the first round the same way he started: by putting on the plumbers' overalls for a Mario, in this case taking 32 seconds to celebrate the Mavs' escape past the first round for the first time since 2006.
Rockets-Blazers: Houston's Brian Cook and James White tossed spiky shells at each other for 54 seconds as synchronized Mario Brothers! (Cook actually made one shot and also garnered a board in only the second overall productive Mario so far.)
And despite Portland defending its home court to force a sixth game, Nicolas Batum provided ineffective play as a starting forward by giving up the rock once in 5:47 for a +1, his second suck differential in the series.
Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs
Hawks-Heat: Solomon Jones wisely played the role of human victory cigar for Atlanta, staying sharp with a foul in 3:26 for a +1 suck differential and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.Symone Fisher: First Luke Walton, and now Derek Fisher? Really?! Yes, really.
Erik Spoelstra saw home court spoiled tonight despite the brave efforts of two of his top lacktators. Joel Anthony negated a board in 4:26 with two fouls for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while Jamaal Magloire did one better by avoiding any positive play with a brick and two fouls in 1:52, a +3 that also counted as a 2:0 for his second Voskuhl in three games!
Nuggets-Hornets: When George Karl's squad nearly scored twice as many points as New Orleans did, it's understandable that the Nuggets' lacktion faction got some rest from avoiding contribution, with Johan Petro even making a few shots! So the Hornets' failfest becomes the story of the evening, first with starting center Tyson Chandler (who as we all recall, nearly got traded to the Thunder earlier this season), who chose to pay tribute to Toronto's buffoon of a big man for the second consecutive game.
Chandler did take two boards and two assists in his 12:46 from the opening tip, only to miss two shots and get charged with fouls four times for a Voskuhl ratio of 4:2. The news only got better for Byron Scott -- better that is, if Scott is a fan of lacktivity -- with Hilton Armstrong checking into the ledger tonight after a 12-minute stint, with a field goal and board (plus two steals) negated by four giveaways and three fouls for a 7:3 Voskuhl of his own, tying the lodger with Kwame Brown for the worst playoff Voskuhl ratio so far. Ouch.
Derek Fisher is seeking a temporary restraining order against a woman who he says is stalking and harassing him.So add two cases of stalking to the thousands of cases of unhealthy Kobe obsession. What is it about the Lakers, exactly, that causes people to become mentally unhinged? Also, Wild Yams noticed something about that writeup that I also noticed: "From the article about Fisher's stalker: 'Fisher claims that the woman has been showing up at his place of work and at his private residence.' OK, showing up at his house is definitely a bad sign, but there are lots of people who routinely show up at his 'place of work.' They're called 'season ticket holders' or possibly even just 'basketball fans.'"
The Los Angeles Lakers guard, who is playing in Game 5 of the NBA playoffs against Utah, filed the paperwork with the Los Angeles County Superior Court earlier Monday.
He claims that the woman, Symone Fisher -- no relation -- has been harassing him since 2001 but that the situation has gotten worse over the past few months. Fisher claims that the woman has been showing up at his place of work and at his private residence.
In the restraining order, he also asked for protection for his wife, Candace, and four children.
A Los Angeles County detective investigating the case recommended that Fisher get a restraining order after looking into a number of unsolicited e-mails, internet messages and letters sent from Symone Fisher suggesting that the two were married.
Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night
During Lakers' practice on Friday, Adam Morrison and Sasha Vujacic shoved one another with Morrison threatening over and over, "you grab my shirt one more time..."Saturday lacktivity report: Chris continues to prove that the playoffs really aren't complete without lacktion.
"You should have seen it when I used to go at it with Shaq," Kobe Bryant said afterward.
Phil Jackson found the Morrison-Vujacic altercation amusing, according to witness Frank Isola.
Cavs-Pistons: As the Pistons are starting to look as devastated as an average neighborhood on Woodward Avenue, the Crabs' Sasha Pavlovic was given the opportunity to claw onto a Power Pad for an 18 second Mario!
Magic-Sixers: Marcin Gortat spent 3:26 firmly in the penalty, fouling twice for a +2 suck differential that also notched up a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Blazers-Rockets: Portland's Nicolas Batum just posted the longest postseason stint of pure non-contributory lacktion so far with a 10:16 run as starting forward that provided a mere brick from downtown for a +1.
I know that the Spurs have already cemented their place in Worst of the Weekend after their second straight face plant in Dallas, but I would like to nominate them specifically for their end-of-game decision making. Down by 5 with 3:30 left in the game, the Spurs proceeded to go 1-for-8 from the field. I can live with 1-for-8 if they are getting decent shots that just aren't going in, but included in their 1-for-8 shooting was 1-for-8 from the three-point line. That's correct. In the last 3:30 of a 5-point game (that remained a 5-point game until the very end), the Spurs took eight three-pointers and zero two-pointers (to go along with zero free throws).The Atlanta Hawks: I'm really biting my tongue right now. The last thing I want to do is stat curse the Heat. So I'm going to hold back the "I told ya so’s" until after the Hawks are actually eliminated. But their 107-78 loss in Miami felt pretty damning, didn't it? The Dirty Birds scored 29 points in the first half and finished with almost as many blocked shots against (12) as assists (13). They also got battered on the boards (48-35) and shot a miserable 36 percent. AND they continue to make Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (22 points, 10 boards, 3 blocks) look like an All-Star center. I'm not saying Atlanta can't win this series, but can we all just agree that they aren't this great team everybody was making them out to be after those two long home stands they had this season?
And these were not wide open attempts that the Mavs were giving the Spurs. The Spurs took hand in the face 3's to the point that on one possession Tim Duncan was wide open under the basket TWICE on one play and Matt Bonner missed him the first time so that Michael Finley could force a contested 25 footer the second time. Tim Duncan even broke out a new version of the Tim Duncan face on the play to express his disgust. To top it all off, coming out of a timeout the Spurs ran a set play for Bonner to shoot a contested 3 from the left corner, which is his worst place outside of the arch according to NBA.com Hot Spots.
I thought 900 games of combined playoff experience was supposed to give the Spurs some kind of mental advantage.
We're starting to see a postseason dominated by that elusive but critical element every championship team has had - lacktion. So all four of Saturday's games got love in the lacktion report:
Nuggets-Hornets: Despite a field goal and three boards in 17:43, Tyson Chandler fouled out and gave up the rock twice to fry up a Voskuhl of 8:5!
Spurs-Mavs: Matt Bonner rocketed his way to mediocrity this afternoon with a 21:55 stint so bawful, only one board away from a seemingly unprecedented +9 suck differential. That board however did not negate his bad play enough to avoid his second Voskuhl of the postseason, a ratio of 5:1 via four fouls, one turnover, and four bricks (three pieces of masonry from downtown). Bonner's non-performance also so far has set the mark for the lengthiest bawful big man showing in these playoffs.
James Singleton has now lacked it up in 3 of 4 playoff games so far for Mark Cuban's squad, this time running in place with the Speedboard NES accessory for a NINE SECOND SUPER MARIO - the second tribute to the Mushroom Kingdom that Mr. Singleton has procured this round!!!!
Heat-Hawks: THE Mario West got a second opportunity in a row to lack it up and contributed so little for so long that a Wii memory card wasn't enough to hold it all. His 3.6 trillion required the assistance of a financial broker or two!
Lakers-Jazz: Josh Powell turned on his Konami LaserScope for 20 seconds and fired off a Mario in his second straight lacktive game! Matching Powell's consecutive games of non-contribution streak was Utah's Brevin Knight, who crowned himself the court jester via two bricks and two fouls for a +4 in 2:18, the second-highest suck differential in the postseason so far.
And Andrew Bynum continues to pay tribute to the leader of Toronto's Little Three of Lacktivity, with his second straight Voskuhl (a 4:3 ratio this time around) via two fouls and two giveaways against a field goal and board in 6:57.
During the half time show of game 3 of the New Orleans-Denver series Avery Johnson had extreme difficulty pronouncing Sasha Vujacic's name. Sasha Vuyaches? Eh, close enough. It also sounded like he kept saying Lamar Oden.Sunday lacktivity report: Chris brings a weekend of intense lacktivity to a close:
In the first quarter of San Antonio-Dallas Game 4 Reggie Miller was reviewing why the Spurs got blown out in game 3 and was lamenting that Tony Parker wasn't "attacking the basketball" like he was to start the series.
As a woman I'm embarrassed by Doris Burke and I demand she apologize for causing ugly waves of women hating across basketball forums for her shallow commentary, grating voice, and the fact that she is essentially a female Mark Jackson who, like her counterpart, sounds like she wants to bed Kobe Bryant. She even used his lines at one point (momma, there goes that man!). To cap off an already bad game she somehow confused Bryon Russell with Craig Ehlo in a completely butchered attempt to compare a Kobe shot to MJ's last shot as a Bull. Besides being needless and insulting the shots were nothing alike. Also, if she could stop trying to sound hip by using '80s lingo ("he shot it right in his grill") I would be much appreciative.
Celtics-Bulls: Two teams with storied championship histories know the importance of lacktion to a successful run to the top - even in a double-overtime special where contribution is dangerously easy! Boston's Tony Allen once again graces these paragraphs with a giveaway for a +1 suck differential in 3:07 - his third lacktive appearance this postseason, and the first two-time sucker so far - while Lindsey Hunter pointed the Laserscope briefly at the jumbotron for a 15 second Mario.
Cavs-Pistons: The team from Auburn Hills saw its hopes and dreams crushed by the Crabs' claws this afternoon, and Walter Herrmann finished up his postseason with a +2 via bricks in 6:28. Dishonorable mention has to go out to Rasheed Wallace, who narrowly avoided a Voskuhl in a four-foul, one-turnover and seven-brick showing by getting five non-game-changing boards.
In celebration, Mike Brown had a seafood trio of Sasha Pavlovic, Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, and Tarence Kinsey storm the court for 2:07; however, only Mr. Jackson successfully executed non-contributory play with a +2 via brick and rejection, making it three games and counting living up to his moniker.
Magic-Sixers: Mareese Speights laid some sweet rhythm on the Donkey Kong Bongos for a 22 second Mario.
Blazers-Rockets: Greg Oden's attempts to "guard" Yao Ming have left him firmly in a rocking chair, as despite three boards in 10:46, he also bricked and gave up the rock once each and committed five fouls for a 6:3 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Oden's much younger teammate Channing Frye bricked twice in 2:47 for a +2.
Clutch the Bear watched his charges take a firm grip on this first round series, with Chucky Hayes logging in an adorable +1 via foul in 4:05, his second lacktive stint this postseason.
Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Utah Jazz
Labels: fan submissions, LeMarcus Aldridge, man love, Yao Ming
Spurs-Mavs: Ryan Hollins's one assist and steal in 13:53 were not enough to overcome some truly bawful miscues: one brick, one giveaway, and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl, his second Voskuhl of the postseason!Kobe Bryant: He convinced Leia to kiss Luke to make Han jealous. And then he ate an Ewok.
(Oh, and in a sign that the Spurs are in trouble...Fabricio Oberto was the leading scorer for San Antonio. Ouch.)
Lakers-Jazz: In a game decided by a clutch Deron Williams shot, you'd think that lacktivity would be far from the minds of Jerry Sloan and Phil Jackson - two coaches who have met before in the NBA Finals!
And you'd be very, very wrong.
For when you have the personnel to lack it up, and theoretically rest up contributors a few seconds or more...sometimes you just have to go with a championship-winning formula. So when it looked like the Lakers were ready to negate Utah's home court, Coach Zen brought out Josh Powell, who snookered himself at the rim once in 1:47 for a +1 suck differential. He also watched as Andrew Bynum - who is rumored to be hobbled with injury issues - provided a decidedly crippling performance at center in 7:08, negating two boards, a field goal, and two free throws with five fouls and two giveaways for a slight 7:6 Voskuhl.
Earlier in the match, the Jazz confidently trotted out Jarron Collins as a starting big man, and he successfully failed to deliver despite the obstacles of a made free throw and one board. Three fouls in 7:07 provided the impetus for a Madsen-level 3:2 Voskuhl, when the Jazz looked great in that first quarter.
Even though the Lakers had a serious chance to blow the game wide open, Sloan never lost faith and trotted out a human victory cigar in Brevin Knight. Brevin crowned himself the richest lacktator of the night with a 2.95 trillion take!
Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, I am your father, it's a trap, Los Angeles Lakers, siblings kissing, Star Wars, that's no moon
Labels: Alando Tucker, buddy cop movies, Shaq, Steve Nash, worse than bad porn
The Hawks' real-life mascot got a little flying time during the playoffs.Wait a tick. The PLAYERS refused to go on? You mean those big, bad millionaires were afraid of a hawk attack? Memo to NBA players everywhere: Hawks don't eat people. According to this story, hawk attacks are pretty rare and there's a better chance of getting harassed by MOCKINGBIRDS than hawks. Of course, the story lead is about a girl who WAS attacked by a hawk...and ended up with a concussion. Said even assumed that she had been hit "with a log or something really hard and heavy." Wait, what?! Who assumes they've been hit with a log??
"Spirit," an actual hawk that flies down from the rafters during the pre-game introductions, decided to hang around for the start of Game 2 against the Miami Heat on Wednesday night.
The bird was perched atop the scoreboard at tipoff, refusing to go to his handler. Then he swooped around the arena while the game was going on, landing on a railing in the lower deck before he settled on the top of the basket at the Hawks end of the court.
When the players spotted the bird, they refused to go on. The game was halted with 8:28 remaining in the first quarter until the handler finally arrived, luring Spirit to his arm and carrying him out of the arena to cheers from the crowd -- and several players.
I just had to share this with you.Oh, Mladen, you CANNOT drop such a brutal tease on us and then not give up a little of the, ahem, juicier "advanced statistics" on our boy Hassan. If you don't want them to appear on the main page, we do have a comments section...
I will never wash my hand again (actually, I'm lying - I washed it about 15 times by now), because it shook the hand of a lacktion superstar!
You see, I live in Serbia, and have already seen my share of NBA "stars" (in fact, I had a pretty weird stare down moment with Darko "Embarassing my own country beyond belief" Milicic at a local club men's room...). I've even had a chance to check out Michael Beasley before he was drafted, when he was playing in the U19 World Championship in my city. (Team USA got schooled by Team Serbia.)
It's really not weird for me to see African-American athletes around town, so I wasn't really phased when, last night, I went out with a friend who hangs out with the two American players that have had the pleasure and privilege of playing (and mostly losing) for the local team. So, the guy comes up to me, introduces himself, and we shake hands. I couldn't hear his name, so I asked my friend, and she said "Hassan Adams".
I spent the next 15 minutes trying to figure out why does that name sound so familiar. Yep. That's right. I hung out with THE Hassan Adams. The guy that averaged a trillion at one point in his stellar carrier. I could almost cry...I'm only sorry that I can't provide pictures, but I'm sure you'll believe me. On the other hand, I can provide a very interesting fact: Hassan's stats with the ladies here are just as bawful. (According to a relieable source.)
Sixers-Magic: Samuel Dalembert did make a field goal and blocked a shot in 8:56, but four fouls left him with a 4:2 Voskuhl.People who want to lose weight: Basketbawful reader hellshocked shocked the hell out of me by pointing out that people are twittering Shaq for weight-loss advice.
Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire had one assist in 11:16, only to contribute little else except a pair of fouls for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
THE Mario West gets his first mention in Nintendo Power Magazine this postseason with a 30-second Mario!
Hornets-Nuggets: Hilton Armstrong reserved a place in the lacktion report tonight with a +3 in 4:23 via brick, rejection, and foul.
Denver's Jason Hart circulated enough just enough copies of Metal Gear to score himself a 59 second Mario, also recorded as a +1 via brick.
While the Chicago Tribune laid off more than 10 percent of its news staff Wednesday, the paper's corporate overlords sought bankruptcy court approval of a plan to pay $13 million in bonuses to top managers.So, to recap, a major metropolitan newspaper undergoing bankruptcy proceedings just axed 10 percent of its news staff while asking the government for special permission to dole out $13 million in BONUSES to executives who brilliantly MASTERMINDED firing people who made much, much less money than they do. That's just...great.
Tribune Co., operating under Chapter 11, said in court documents that the bonuses are essential for executives who provided "extraordinary contributions during an exceptionally difficult year" in 2008. They would be shared by 700 managers throughout the company, excluding its 10 top officers.
The average bonus would be $18,273, which the company noted is down sharply from prior years. In its filing, it said 16 percent would get more than $30,000.
Meanwhile, newsroom employees at the media giant's flagship had their own morale issues as managers conducted the biggest one-day purge since real estate entrepreneur Sam Zell took over the company. The layoffs are a response to declines in advertising revenue, a fate shared by media companies across the country.
(From print edition only) Tribune Co. said managers deserve bonuses for masterminding cuts that bolstered cash flow. It said that in 2008, the company cut 13 percent of its jobs, or 2,400 positions.
After suffocating her lover, Nicole Abusharif hid Becky Klein's body in the trunk of the couple's 1966 Ford Mustang, DuPage County prosecutors said Wednesday.I once watched a video about lesbian suffocation, and it wasn't anything like this. But...perhaps I've said too much.
Hours later, Abusharif gave another girlfriend a present to show how serious she was about her: a car key.
"It was the ignition key to the Ford Mustang where Becky's body was lying entombed," prosecutor Joseph Ruggiero told jurors as Abusharif's murder trial opened in Wheaton.
Abusharif, 28, is accused of using duct tape and a plastic bag to smother her long-term partner on March 15, 2007, at their Villa Park home. After the murder, she allegedly dumped Klein's body in the car, which was parked in a garage at their house.
Abusharif, Ruggiero said, left after the slaying to meet the woman -- whom she had been seeing for a year -- in a Palos Park bar. She brought her back later that night to the home she had shared with Klein.
"Within an hour of killing her life partner, what did the defendant do? She went out with her new girlfriend," he said. Abusharif faces a possible life sentence if convicted.
A man witnesses said was dressed like a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a dry cleaner on Main Street, police said.Said Henry: "My favorite part of that whole thing is that he went to a Dry Cleaners. Any real ninja looking for some extra cash would have the decency to knock over a gun shop or a biker bar or something." I agreed, and further suggested that no self-respecting ninja would perpetrate a crime that would leave fewer than 20 horribly mutilated dead bodies in its wake.
The man, wearing a ski mask and a sword in a sheath on his belt, walked into the Tedeschi convenience store at 1039 Main St. around 8 a.m. Monday, Sgt. Richard Fuller said.
"All the witnesses said he was dressed like a ninja," Fuller said. "He was in all black including the black ski mask. And they said it was a 'ninja sword' (he was carrying)."
A clerk, alarmed by the man's appearance, called police. When the man noticed her, he pulled his mask off and asked if she was calling about him, Fuller said.
When she said she was, the man left the store and walked into nearby Galaxy Cleaners.
There, Fuller said he pointed a sword at the register and asked a clerk to give him all of the money inside. She told him she couldn’t open the drawer, and the man left the scene, Fuller said.
Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night