Why can't I see
"With the blast shield down I can't even see! How'm I supposed to fight?"

Want the Birdman back in Denver next season? Sign the online petition! (Details here.)

The Orlando Magic: The Magicians pulled out the victory, but you can file this under "Losses That Aren't As Good As Others." For the second straight game, Orlando built an 18-point lead over the Sixers. And for the second straight game, Philly came back, pulling to within 5 points late in the fourth quarter. And man, was the home crowd quiet. I'm talking "you could hear a mouse pee on cotton" quiet. The Magic held off the rally, thanks to some late-game heroics by Rashard Lewis (in particular his offensive rebound and put back with less than 30 ticks to go). But they gave the Sixers reason to be really, really confident going into Game 3 in Philadelphia.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Sure, the successful comeback and the near-comeback were pretty inspiring and could qualify as confidence builders...but consistently falling behind by almost 20 points isn't exactly a proven formula for playoff success. Solid advice for the Sixers: Stop spotting your opponents a ginormous lead.

Dwight Howard: Superman fouled out with 3:11 remaining in the fourth quarter. Yes, it's always a great situation to be without your superstar, MVP-candidate and recently named Defensive Player of the Year down the stretch of a tight, must-win playoff game. Plus, even before he received his walking papers, Dwight was having a pretty average game: 11 points (4-for-6, 3-for-7 from the line), 10 boards, 2 assists. He did have game-high 4 blocks, though, but still, this game was the NBA-equivalent of Lois Lane being forced to defeat General Zod at the end of Superman II.

Samuel Dalembert: Now that he's gone assist-less in Philly's first two playoff games, his assist total for the past 31 games stands at 2. That's 0.06 APG. Yinka Dare is smiling down on you from Basketball Heaven, Sam.

Update! More on Dalembert from an anonymous commenter: "In addition to Sam Dalembert's assist numbers, it's also worth noting that he picked up 4 fouls (and a tech!) in nine minutes last night. Oh, and he was left on the bench so Theo Ratliff (who is, in fact, 36 years old) could defend Dwight Howard." More from Basketbawful reader bizarro: "He was totally crucified by ESPN journalists in their "extreme behaviour" section in Daily Dime: 'WEDNESDAY'S WORST -- Samuel Dalembert, Sixers: Philadelphia knew it was going to lose the starting center matchup against Dwight Howard, but this is ridiculous. Dalembert had just two points and no rebounds." Looks like ESPN is starting to like the bawful narrative style too. way to go bawful!" The takeover has begun. You've been warned.

Magic announcers (?): Basketbawful reader jj said: "One of the Magic announcers just called Theo Ratliff "one of the greatest shot blockers of all time". Dikimbe Mutombo is rolling over in his hospital bed." Well...Ratliff ranks 18th on the all-time list with 1902 career blocks. He's also 11th in BPG with 2.53 per. AND he's currently 3rd all-time in block percentage (an estimate of the percentage of opponent two-point field goal attempts blocked by the player while he was on the floor) at 7.25*. So, you know, by the numbers, Theo is up there...although it's worth noting they didn't track blocks back when Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain were playing.

*Look at this murderer's row of a Top 5 in block percentage: Manute Bol (10.17), Shawn Bradley (7.83), Ratliff, Greg freaking Ostertag (6.97) and Mark Eaton (6.92). That sound you just heard was the wailing cry emanating from the Stilt's grave...

The Atlanta Hawks: Boy oh boy, the Heat looked seriously de-flamed after scoring a season-low 64 points in Game 1. That brutal defeat seemed to solidify the notion that the Hawks could not be beaten in Atlanta. I mean, hey, the Celtics weren't able to do it last season, and that team went on to win the NBA title. What hope did a crummy fifth seed have? Well, they had one big one named Dwyane Wade, who shook off whatever icks he had in the first game to score 33 points (11-for-20) to go along with 5 boards, 7 assists 2 blocks and (typically ) 5 turnovers. Wade hit six of his 10 three-point attempts, including one late-gamer that he accidentally banked in with the shot clock heading toward expiration. Said Wade: "I didn't call 'bank.' Just like everybody in the building, I'm not going to tell a story, I was shocked, too."

It was just that kind of night for the Hawks, who found themselves inexplicably down by 18 points in an arena where they thought they were invincible. They closed to within 5 points late in the fourth, but that was as close as they could get it before finally losing by 15. Atlanta's defense was dreadful: Miami nearly 56 percent of their shots (40-for-72), including almost 58 percent of their threes (15-for-26). Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal lit 'em up for 19 points on 6-for-9 shooting. Daequan Cook added 20 while going 7-for-12 from the field and 6-for-9 from downtown.

Bonus commentary from AnacondaHL: "Goodness Bawfulness! Not only was Al Horford, center, the leading assist man for Atlanta (5), but they allowed Jermaine O'Neal to become a presence on the inside. I repeat: Jermaine O'Neal was a key factor to Miami's win. Can we please just get to the LAL-CLE Finals already?"

Publicity stunts: Sometimes they just go wrong:

The Hawks' real-life mascot got a little flying time during the playoffs.

"Spirit," an actual hawk that flies down from the rafters during the pre-game introductions, decided to hang around for the start of Game 2 against the Miami Heat on Wednesday night.

The bird was perched atop the scoreboard at tipoff, refusing to go to his handler. Then he swooped around the arena while the game was going on, landing on a railing in the lower deck before he settled on the top of the basket at the Hawks end of the court.

When the players spotted the bird, they refused to go on. The game was halted with 8:28 remaining in the first quarter until the handler finally arrived, luring Spirit to his arm and carrying him out of the arena to cheers from the crowd -- and several players.
Wait a tick. The PLAYERS refused to go on? You mean those big, bad millionaires were afraid of a hawk attack? Memo to NBA players everywhere: Hawks don't eat people. According to this story, hawk attacks are pretty rare and there's a better chance of getting harassed by MOCKINGBIRDS than hawks. Of course, the story lead is about a girl who WAS attacked by a hawk...and ended up with a concussion. Said even assumed that she had been hit "with a log or something really hard and heavy." Wait, what?! Who assumes they've been hit with a log??


Update! Bonus bawful from Mladen, who sent in a few lines from the AP recap: "The players weren't to eager to play the game with a bird of prey staring down at them. Atlanta's Josh Smith and Al Horford looked more shaken than anyone. 'You see Al Horford duck and run, I was like, 'Let me run for cover as well,' Wade said. 'It was kind of weird having the hawk fly around. It's hard to play with your back to that hawk on the backboard.' Turns out, the real hawk showed more aggressiveness than any of the players wearing Hawks across the front of their jerseys..."

But wait, there's more! Mladen also had a close encounter of the lacktive kind last night:

I just had to share this with you.

I will never wash my hand again (actually, I'm lying - I washed it about 15 times by now), because it shook the hand of a lacktion superstar!

You see, I live in Serbia, and have already seen my share of NBA "stars" (in fact, I had a pretty weird stare down moment with Darko "Embarassing my own country beyond belief" Milicic at a local club men's room...). I've even had a chance to check out Michael Beasley before he was drafted, when he was playing in the U19 World Championship in my city. (Team USA got schooled by Team Serbia.)

It's really not weird for me to see African-American athletes around town, so I wasn't really phased when, last night, I went out with a friend who hangs out with the two American players that have had the pleasure and privilege of playing (and mostly losing) for the local team. So, the guy comes up to me, introduces himself, and we shake hands. I couldn't hear his name, so I asked my friend, and she said "Hassan Adams".

I spent the next 15 minutes trying to figure out why does that name sound so familiar. Yep. That's right. I hung out with THE Hassan Adams. The guy that averaged a trillion at one point in his stellar carrier. I could almost cry...I'm only sorry that I can't provide pictures, but I'm sure you'll believe me. On the other hand, I can provide a very interesting fact: Hassan's stats with the ladies here are just as bawful. (According to a relieable source.)
Oh, Mladen, you CANNOT drop such a brutal tease on us and then not give up a little of the, ahem, juicier "advanced statistics" on our boy Hassan. If you don't want them to appear on the main page, we do have a comments section...

Jamaal Magloire: The former all-star center -- I swear, it happened...he even had 19 points, 8 rebounds, a steal and a block in the 2004 All-Star Game -- logged 11 minutes and 16 seconds without scoring a single point, collecting a single rebound or blocking a single shot. He did commit a couple fouls, tho'.

The New Orleans Hornets: And to think, people were calling this team "great" as recently as earlier this season. But last night they suffered their second straight double-digit loss in Denver to fall behind 2-0 in their best-of-seven first round series with the Nuggets. And -- get this! -- Chauncey Billups is killing Chris Paul. KILLING HIM. Billups, who scored 36 points and went 8-for-9 from beyond the arc in Game 1, scored a game-high 31 points while going 8-for-15 from the field, 4-for-6 from three and 11-for-11 from the line. Meanwhile, CP3 scored only 14 (5-for-11) and had a game-high 5 turnovers...nearly equaling the output of the entire Nuggets team. And to think, I said Paul was going to make Chauncey look old in this series. What a boner!

On the subject of TOs, New Orleans committed 17, which led to 23 bonus points for the Nuggets. Denver, on the other hand, bumbled the ball away only 6 times, giving up a single point. The playoffs are all about ball control...and the Hornets are way out of control.

George Karl, "What the hell is he SAYING?" machine: Regarding the rather amazing play of Mr. Big Shot: "I do want to kind of apologize. I said he's a player without skills (after the series opener). He's very skilled. But he plays the game without skills a lot. He plays the game with a brain, and a teamness, a point guard leadership. Then he figures out when to put the skills in the game. I'm happy he's putting a few more skills on the court lately. It's pretty cool." That's nice...I think?

Joe Dumars: In addition to the scoring and leadership, here are some other fun Billups facts: This is the first time Billups has had consecutive turnover-free playoff games in the same year in his career. His dozen three-pointers are a Nuggets franchise best for any playoff series. And he's knocked down 57 straight free throws overall. Meanwhile, his trading counterpart, Allen Iverson, was banished from Detroit for the betterment of the Pistons as a team. I would be willing to bet that there's a lot of throwing up in one's own mouth going on in the Dumars household right about now.

Lacktion report: And back at the Hall of Justice, Chris consults the Bat Computer for the latest lactivity updates...

Sixers-Magic: Samuel Dalembert did make a field goal and blocked a shot in 8:56, but four fouls left him with a 4:2 Voskuhl.

Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire had one assist in 11:16, only to contribute little else except a pair of fouls for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

THE Mario West gets his first mention in Nintendo Power Magazine this postseason with a 30-second Mario!

Hornets-Nuggets: Hilton Armstrong reserved a place in the lacktion report tonight with a +3 in 4:23 via brick, rejection, and foul.

Denver's Jason Hart circulated enough just enough copies of Metal Gear to score himself a 59 second Mario, also recorded as a +1 via brick.
People who want to lose weight: Basketbawful reader hellshocked shocked the hell out of me by pointing out that people are twittering Shaq for weight-loss advice.

The Chicago Tribune: You want to know one big reason why newspapers are failing? I'm glad you asked:

While the Chicago Tribune laid off more than 10 percent of its news staff Wednesday, the paper's corporate overlords sought bankruptcy court approval of a plan to pay $13 million in bonuses to top managers.

Tribune Co., operating under Chapter 11, said in court documents that the bonuses are essential for executives who provided "extraordinary contributions during an exceptionally difficult year" in 2008. They would be shared by 700 managers throughout the company, excluding its 10 top officers.

The average bonus would be $18,273, which the company noted is down sharply from prior years. In its filing, it said 16 percent would get more than $30,000.

Meanwhile, newsroom employees at the media giant's flagship had their own morale issues as managers conducted the biggest one-day purge since real estate entrepreneur Sam Zell took over the company. The layoffs are a response to declines in advertising revenue, a fate shared by media companies across the country.

(From print edition only) Tribune Co. said managers deserve bonuses for masterminding cuts that bolstered cash flow. It said that in 2008, the company cut 13 percent of its jobs, or 2,400 positions.
So, to recap, a major metropolitan newspaper undergoing bankruptcy proceedings just axed 10 percent of its news staff while asking the government for special permission to dole out $13 million in BONUSES to executives who brilliantly MASTERMINDED firing people who made much, much less money than they do. That's just...great.

Evil lesbians: More from the "I couldn't possibly make this up" files:

After suffocating her lover, Nicole Abusharif hid Becky Klein's body in the trunk of the couple's 1966 Ford Mustang, DuPage County prosecutors said Wednesday.

Hours later, Abusharif gave another girlfriend a present to show how serious she was about her: a car key.

"It was the ignition key to the Ford Mustang where Becky's body was lying entombed," prosecutor Joseph Ruggiero told jurors as Abusharif's murder trial opened in Wheaton.

Abusharif, 28, is accused of using duct tape and a plastic bag to smother her long-term partner on March 15, 2007, at their Villa Park home. After the murder, she allegedly dumped Klein's body in the car, which was parked in a garage at their house.

Abusharif, Ruggiero said, left after the slaying to meet the woman -- whom she had been seeing for a year -- in a Palos Park bar. She brought her back later that night to the home she had shared with Klein.

"Within an hour of killing her life partner, what did the defendant do? She went out with her new girlfriend," he said. Abusharif faces a possible life sentence if convicted.
I once watched a video about lesbian suffocation, and it wasn't anything like this. But...perhaps I've said too much.

Fake ninjas: This story came my way via Henry Abbott, who apparently shares my fascination with the deadly art of the ninja:

A man witnesses said was dressed like a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a dry cleaner on Main Street, police said.

The man, wearing a ski mask and a sword in a sheath on his belt, walked into the Tedeschi convenience store at 1039 Main St. around 8 a.m. Monday, Sgt. Richard Fuller said.

"All the witnesses said he was dressed like a ninja," Fuller said. "He was in all black including the black ski mask. And they said it was a 'ninja sword' (he was carrying)."

A clerk, alarmed by the man's appearance, called police. When the man noticed her, he pulled his mask off and asked if she was calling about him, Fuller said.

When she said she was, the man left the store and walked into nearby Galaxy Cleaners.

There, Fuller said he pointed a sword at the register and asked a clerk to give him all of the money inside. She told him she couldn’t open the drawer, and the man left the scene, Fuller said.
Said Henry: "My favorite part of that whole thing is that he went to a Dry Cleaners. Any real ninja looking for some extra cash would have the decency to knock over a gun shop or a biker bar or something." I agreed, and further suggested that no self-respecting ninja would perpetrate a crime that would leave fewer than 20 horribly mutilated dead bodies in its wake.

Now, I'm not saying for certain that Weymouth's mystery ninja is in mortal danger from real ninjas seeking retribution for his attack on their honor. After all, 100 percent of everything we actually know about ninjas is just pure guesswork, so artful and cunning are they in hiding their existence from the world at large. (To date, forensic experts have been unable to uncover even a single piece of biological evidence to prove ninjas are real. This is mostly because they are hairless, skinless, and they neither poop nor pee.) But I will tell you this: If somebody at some point finds this man's lifeless body riddled with Chinese throwing stars that disappear in the twinkle of an eye, leaving no trace that they ever existed, forcing authorities to explain the death away as "natural causes" even though it seems as though he might have died of pure fear...well, I won't be surprised.

Charley Hill: Never heard of him? I'm not surprised. He's the 19-year-old boyfriend of Linda Bollea...a.k.a., Hulk Hogan's wife. As Basketbawful reader Axel Foley said in response to yesterday's post: "Who the hell bones the Hulkster's wife? What a dick. I would definitely be willing to deliver a beating on Hogan's behalf." I agree. And I'll probably just do that if I ever run into him. There are certain things nobody should do, like poop in Santa's hat, dress like gay Tron and do the dirty with Mrs. Hulk. Of course, note that Linda had to find a boyfriend who was young enough to probably not have an incurable case of Hulkamania. A Hulkamaniac would punch himself in the genitals until death before defiling Hogan's wife.

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38 Comments:
Blogger BadDave said...
I hope I'm typing OK, because my eyes have been burned out by gay Tron. And I'm not the only one with my eyes burned out - the Hornets are so affected by the Confundus curse that they must have gone blind too.

And after watching the Magic-69ers, I'm convinced that the winner of that matchup should just get a case of frozen meat and a ticket home. I just can't watch those games.

Blogger Preveen said...
How the heck did Jermaine O'Neal shoot 6 of 9 and end up with 10 points? Shouldn't he have at least 12 then?

Anonymous Saad said...
That's why you should've been watching the Heat-Hawks game. ;o

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Heading into the playoffs the Magic-Sixers series was the one that interested me the least, simply because I figured Orlando would steamroll them; but I have to say, despite it being competitive I still have no interest.

New Orleans is getting embarrassed in this series, and they're making the Nuggets look like a real powerhouse. I said before the series started that Billups would give CP3 problems, but even though Billups has handily won that matchup so far, it hasn't been because CP3 has problems with big PGs as I said would be the case, since neither player is really guarding the other so far. I guess Byron Scott is holding Paul back from guarding Chauncey for fear of foul problems, but like the Inside the NBA crew was saying last night, Scott might want to rethink that because Billups is flat out torching his team. Honestly at this point I don't know what the Hornets can do in this series. They're looking badly overmatched. My prediction that Denver could wrap it up in 5 is looking better and better :)

I'm having a hard time mustering much enthusiasm for the Heat-Hawks series. It's tough to get too up for the "who wants to be flattened by Cleveland" series.

Blogger The Dude Abides said...
Must...find...proofreader...

"It was just that kind of night for the Hawks, who found themselves inexplicably by 18 points"

Found themselves by 18 points?

"Jermaine 'The Drain' O'Neal lit 'em up for 10 points on 6-for-9 shooting."

Poor Jermaine, he only gets half-credit for his FGs and FTs.

Blogger Will said...
At the end of the 1st quarter in the Heat-Hawks game one of the announcers said "Mario West has entered the game for the final seconds." I just thought to myself "When else would he be in?"

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
1.) Vote here for permanent nickname - Darko "Embarassing Serbia beyond belief" Milicic.

2.) I'll give my boy Hassan the benefit of the doubt. He is a University of Arizona alumn, and I can personally tell you that only one of two things happen: due to the absurdly high concentration of hot females generally wearing almost nothing because of the weather, either you develop an extraordinary game, or you become quite lazy and desensitized to it all assuming getting women will always be easy-mode. I'm assuming in Serbia you generally don't see sunglasses and volleyball shorts all too often, so I'd assume Hassan fell into category 2 (like most do).

3.) Ninjas - Spike TV has a show called Deadliest Warrior, and it's pretty much the geekiest, nerd-ragiest, most amazing show. Anyways, based on their metrics, Ninja was eliminated in round 1 to the Spartan. I thought they didn't give enough credit to stealth. Apache moved past Gladiator and Samurai edged the Viking. (All available online, or YouTube). This week is Pirate vs Knight, but there's lots of nerd-raging happening to see a loser's bracket, or double elimination, or a Swiss/round robin tounament so we can finally see the Pirate vs Ninja debate settled.

4.) GayTron, classic picture. Something to make it worse for you all... moose hoof. You can't unsee it now.

Blogger Preveen said...
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=1726215&id=8245623462&ref=nf

Anonymous bizarro said...
about dalembert - he was totally crucified by espn journalists in their "extreme behaviour" section in Daily Dime: "WEDNESDAY'S WORST
Samuel Dalembert, Sixers: Philadelphia knew it was going to lose the starting center matchup against Dwight Howard, but this is ridiculous. Dalembert had just two points and no rebounds"
looks like espn is starting to like the bawful narrative style too. way to go bawful!

Anonymous AK Dave said...
The "Boner" page had me in stitches, scro. Well done!

I've officially downgraded the Hawks-Heat from "Meh" to "..." What a boring series.

Thankfully Chicago plays tonight.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
In addition to Sam Dalembert's assist numbers, it's also worth noting that he picked up 4 fouls (and a tech!) in 9 minutes last night. Oh, and he was left on the bench so Theo Ratliff (who is, in fact, 36 years old) could defend Dwight Howard.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Oh yeah,

Birdman: "With the blast shield down I can't even see! How'm I supposed to fight?"

lol

Blogger BadDave said...
Jesus - Deadliest Warrior is what happens when you have the most repressed role-playing geeks get their hands on some money and technology. What dooshbags.

Of course, I think they're really dooshbags because both the Ninja and the Viking lost, despite their clear superiority. They don't figure the efficiency in environments in their overblown calculations. Such as the pirate. They'd win against a Knight. On a boat. Or in a trampoline fight. Everyone knows horses can't use trampolines!

Sorry - I need to go tape up my glasses and fix my pocket protector now.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
BadDave: Viking lost fair and square to Samurai. The shield just wasn't as good as the Spartian one, and the longsword is just too slow against a katana, all assuming he can even get close enough with the far superior bow n arrows.

AK Dave posted: Birdman: "With the blast shield down I can't even see! How'm I supposed to fight?"
EDIT THE POST TO INCLUDE THIS CAPTION NOW.

Blogger BadDave said...
AnacondaHL - seriously - the shield as the Viking's "special item?" Bah. How about berserker rage? How about throwing axes, or the ability to have ambhibious attack? Or goddamn Thor leading the way?

It's not like samurai were a bunch of archers - you'd be lucky to have 30 of them in a group. It doesn't matter anyway. Everyone knows that the aboriginies will win. They trained Crocodile Dundee.

And not only did Ratliff block well, he had a really awesome tomahawk dunk.

Anonymous Saad said...
Yeah Jermaine actually had 19 points, thats a typo.

And for whoever thinks MIA-ATL is a boring series, I wouldn't give up so soon.

Blogger BballViking said...
I dont think that Dalembert should be criticized for not getting assists, i mean how often does he get the ball to actually get a chance to pass? Hes not the greatest offensive threat ever and pretty much only gets the ball when he gets a rebound or when they throw him an alley oop.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Update! From Yahoo sports game preview:

"...forward Brian Scalabrine... is expected to be available after being sidelined since Feb. 23 because of a concussion.

“He looked good. Actually, he played great,” coach Doc Rivers said."

OH NOOOEESS!!! Scal is on the loose! We're done for! (/home alone double-face-slap)

Blogger Basketbawful said...
BadDave -- You know me well enough to know the dangers inherent in clicking on a link devised by me and called "Gay Tron." I'm just sayin'.

Preveen -- Typo. Fixed.

Wild Yams -- I think NO's biggest problem is the lack of quality roleplayers. Not just in this series, but all season. It seems like CP3 and D-West are just worn the hell down from playing all-out for 40 minutes a night. They're still fantastic, but they seem to be lacking that "pop"...if that makes any sense.

And of course nobody else on that team is going to step up.

The Dude Abides -- Don't you think "Must...find...proofreader..." is a wee bit dramatic for two rather benign typos in post that's more than 3,000 words long? I mean, I blog about 3,000 words a day when guys like Bill Simmons write, like, 3,000 words a week. You know I do this for free in my spare time, right?

That said, I do appreciate the head's up. I like to fix this stuff.

Will -- That kinda makes me facepalm for poor Mario.

AnacondaHL -- Responses:

1) How 'bout semi-permenant? Because after that jersey-ripping incident, "The Incredible Darko" just does it for me. But I promise to use the new one as often as possible.

2) You know, it's funny, back in college I was at a school that had a 2.5-to-1 male-to-female ratio. My girlfriend went to a college 50 miles away with an almost 4-to-1 female-to-male ratio. It was CRAZY. Like, her friends were constantly concocting these ridiculous schemes to steal me from her. And they were totally blatant about it. Like, she'd get up to go to the restroom and a friend would say (I'm not making this up) "Why don't you tell her you can't visit next week, then spend the weekend with me in my room." I know I'm a hunk and all that, but I felt like a B-List celebrity with the way women were throwing themselves at me. And even the ugly dudes at that school walked like they had summer sausages swinging between their legs. So if Hassan had a similar experience at the U of A, I can see why he'd have no game...

3) I know what I'm going to spend several hours doing this weekend. Between playoff games, of course.

4) This affects me not at all. As a longtime Suns/Jazz/Pacers fan, I can repress with the best of them.

Preveen -- Ack! I don't have Facebook. What's the pic?

bizarro -- Updated.

AK Dave -- DUDE. That's like the zillionth time I've linked to Batman's Boner. It cannot be the first time you've seen it.

Anonymous #1 -- Updated.

AK Dave -- AWESOME. And updated.

BadDave -- "Deadliest Warrior is what happens when you have the most repressed role-playing geeks get their hands on some money and technology." You realize that if we had the money and technology, we would have made that show. And probably gotten the NE3 guys to help us do it. I'm just sayin'...

AnacondaHL -- Okay, now. The Viking vs. Samurai analysis seemes to assume a fair fight under equal conditions. It also assumes that the Viking never lands a blow...because if that happeened, there would be several twitching samurai parts where that samurai had been standing.

Oh, and I added the caption.

AK Dave -- Crap. Okay, then. I'm off to sell my Bulls tix and take my Rose jersey back to Sears.

BballViking -- Look, I get what you're saying. But that said...2 dimes in 30+ games when you see significant minutes?

Blogger J Tallent said...
ha, I was thinking yesterday about how ESPN's "worst of the day" section of the Dime is like a mini Basketbawful.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Numbers lie: Jamaal Magloire played Game 2 without any stats in his 11:16 other than one assist and two fouls. Magloire actually was a presence inside. He might not have grabbed a rebound, but only because he was applying a sleeper-hold to his man at the time.

He made a difference. Just him being an enforcer is a plus for Miami

Blogger Brandon said...
Where is all the contact info at?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
BadDave - What? "Beserker rage" is easily countered by bushido (I mean come on, they commit seppuku for honor!) and whatever "ambhibious [sic] attack" capabilities of Viking longships are easily matched by Japanese naval transport (you do know Japan is an island nation, right? But to their discredit, the Japanese sea battles didn't always turn out great, as shown by them getting wtf pwned by Korea.) Since both Vikings and Samurai used the sea primarily to get onto land to do battle, and Samurai armor was decent enough, I still stand by the results that Samurai would have won the matchup.

Bawful - They actually do impact/power/force/cut analysis with each weapon on the show, and I can only assume they put it into their magical Excel spreadsheet of nerdy e-peen-ness to calculate the simulation metrics. Anyways, a longsword hit would be one-shot-one-kill, but again speed and agility in addition to the other advantages overall gave Samurai the win.

BballViking - Lol at your name. Anyways, here is a nice list of players this year that have over 300 MP. As you can see, Samuel Dalembert is clearly ahead of the pack with only 0.4 AST/48min, with well over 2000MP! Even Emeka Okafor has a 0.9 rate. Looking at the rest of the names on that list, it's pretty clear that you need extraordinarily bawful talent to NOT accidentally pickup assists. In the history of these recorded stats, that places him TIED AT TENTH. Or if you must, a historic 1st place for those logging over 2000 MP a season.

Anonymous Bunk Moreland said...
long time lurker, first time commenter

Love the blog, consistently funny.

Things I am looking forward to in tonights games:
1. Boozer opting out his contract at half time;
2. deciding whether the Spurs or Celtics are going to turn into this years Pistons next year, and
3. enjoying the Celtic's frontline of future "Biggest Loser" contestants against the Bull's 2-D underachievers who are now finally kinda sorta achieving.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
J Tallent -- Like I said...the takeover has begun.

kazaam92 -- I agree with you to a point, BUT, like I said, he's a former All-Star center playing spot minutes and contributing next to nothing statistically.

Brandon -- At the very bottom of the page, not very clear though, is our email address (basketbawful@yahoo.com).

AnacondaHL -- I'm just saying that Viking vs. Samurai isn't being simmed in an SF II environment. I'm not convinced that if a Viking came rushing at a Samurai it would go down that easily.

Oh, and I was tempted to do the stat analysis on Dalembert, but I was convinced that you'd take up that challenge. Glad to know I was right.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Bunk Moreland -- Welcome to the comments section. I hope you enjoy your stay. Remember, we offer complimentary turn down service and a free mint with every stay.

Now, replies:

1. By halftime? I figured that, by tipoff, we'd all discover he signed his original contract in disappearing ink.

2. I'd put more money on the C's being next year's Pistons. Assuming Manu's ankle heals, he and TP are still pretty young, and the Spurs should have cap space to play around with. (They have a roster chock-full of contracts that expire after next season, which makes pretty much everybody trade bait.) The Celtics are old and you have to figure that KG may have begun his physical decline already with Allen sure to follow. And KG's massive three-year extension doesn't kick in until next season.

3. It's a perfect storm of injured champions versus young up-and-comers. Hey, if every game in the series is as exciting as the first two, we're all winners. (Except, of course, whoever ends up being the loser.)

Blogger Andrei said...
If KG takes up his extension, but never recovers and spends most of his time in suits behind the bench while killing the C's cap, what will his Celtics legacy be? Savior or villain?

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Well Jamaals minutes have been nothing short of sporadic all year. He was hurt the first half then Spo had him behind the great Joel Anthony. When he got minutes later on, he really helped. His rebounding rate is pretty sick, he's a veteran leaader, and he has that enforcer mentality. He (usually) doesn't get spot minutes. He gets a good 15-20 behind the Drain


he was far better as a hornet but come on he was among the worst all star picks ever. 14 & 10?

Anonymous Mladen said...
After Anaconda and Bawful's comments, I felt the need to elaborate a bit on the situation our "last lacktion hero" is in:

I totally get and acknowledge the Arizona factor - sounds like even I could get some action there.
And, here's the thing. Contrary to what you might think, even though Serbia isn't hot all year round, we do get some pretty nice heat here, not to mention that the girls feel obligated to show as much skin as possible, even at sub-zero temperatures (I'm very serious). Oh, and they usually dress like this:
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/attention_whore.jpg
Even last night, Adams and the other dude were accompanied by some really nice cleavage. Yet, even though he's been here since the Clippers waved him, he's only hooked up with one girl, and I can't go into details, but let's just say that she's not really impressed. (Oh, and she openly admits that she's not hot.)

So, what's the deal? I feel sort of obligated to even defend the poor guy. Here's my explanation:

- First of all, Serbian girls are generally hot. Yeah, I know everybody says that about the girls in their country, but if anybody came here, they'd see for themselves. In fact, I only consider one country to be blessed with girls that are more beautiful than ours, and that is Brazil.
- Secondly, the girls in my city are amazingly hot, and are considered to be the hottest in all of Serbia (it's a shameless generalization, but 99% true). Unfortunately, they let it go to their heads, so they are also unbelievably difficult to deal with, and very unapproachable. Pretty much any pick-up line is destined to fail.
- If what Anaconda said is true, then combined with the above mentioned facts, it could explain why our boy Hassan hasn't been doing so great.
- In fact, I must mention one other thing: he is incredibly polite and quiet when in company. Last night, when I left him, he was sitting next to Boobie McHugetits, and he looked kind of sad. My friend told me that he actually spends more time being harassed by guys that look like that dork from the "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" video,asking him where they could get "that bitchin' shirt, my nigga!" than going out with the tasty eye candy at his disposal. Also, he enjoys romantic all-night conversations and cuddling (I'm not making this up). You can see how this is not a good thing for him. For God's sake, he's 6 ft 4, decked out in designer apparel and bling; and he's black. When Dennis Rodman visited neighboring Croatia, there were pictures of girls literally jumping in the trunk of his car, because the seats were filled up with more girls. You get the point. I guess he really has no game right now, on or off the court.

BTW, AnacondaHL: glad you liked the nick for Darko. The sad thing is that it totally fits him. It may seem I'm going a little hard on my compatriot, but the guy turned into a total douchebag and a basket case. When he was in high school, a couple of guys I know played with him on the team, and they said that he was the target of daily pranks by the older guys. Guess that really helped build his self-esteem...

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
These playoffs have been full of surprises, but none of the kind I would have liked.

With the Suns out, all I can do is try to enjoy the general performances. And hate Kobe. Never forget, if your team didn't make it, hate the Lakers.

Anonymous Andrew said...
Love the ninja part but as a Japanese person, I'm very upset that you said "Chinese throwing stars". Ninjutsu clearly originates from the land of the rising sun. That is worthy of a WotN.

Blogger Andrei said...
Funniest thing I've heard from Sir Charles in a while: "He just wanted his jersey wet" regarding Bill Walker carrying Rajon Rondo off the court.

Blogger Headless Chicken said...
YEAH! REN & STIMPY references!

Blogger Headless Chicken said...
Could I get any Pete & Pete stuff as well?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Mladen -- I...don't know what to say. If Hassan every makes it back into the league, I'm totally going to leave him be. I now pity him. (But I will not cuddle you, Hassan.)

Buck Nasty -- I was at the horror called Celtics-Bulls last night, and I told my buddy Statbuster (who got us the tix) that these are the worst, most boring playoffs I can remember since maybe the 90s.

Andrew -- I meant no cultural disrespect. I was simply paying homage to the pulp martial arts magazines I grew up reading, which constantly advertised "Chinese throwing stars" as "the deadliest weapon of the mysterious ninja."

Headless Chicken -- If I can fit one in, yes.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Mladen - Official Serbian BasketBawful correspondant.

Andrew - I can't find anything on any origin of Chinese ninja stars, other than the fact that they also use coins with holes in them, but despite "Shuriken" being pretty clearly Japanese in origin, hopefully this animation should show that most people know their stuff, and let your mind be at peace

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Mladen-

Good call on Brazillian women. Not only are they super-smokin'-hot, but they're very friendly and approachable. All you have to do is smile; if you make eye contact and they smile back...

Serbia/Croatia/all former Yugoslavia (I'm going to throw Hungary in as well- aw hell. All of freakin Eastern Europe) = GORGEOUS WOMEN (Poland too- yes, Poland. Did you see their Olympic Volleyball team?

Blogger Mladen said...
@AK Dave:

Might I inquire as to how do you know these things about Brazilian women?=) I sense you have much to teach me.
Also, what you said makes sense - I've actually had some Brazilian girls approach me online, and am currently pen pals with a soon to be 18 y/o with a gorgeous smile.

Oh, and thanks for recognizing the gorgeousness of our women. Serbian and Croatian girls are the hottest. Slovenian girls have the "femme fatale" look going for them, and unfortunately, Bosnian and Macedonian girls come in last (Bosnian girls have unusually large foreheads and hideous accents.). A good thing to know about Hungarian girls is that they like sex. Alot.

I think the volleyball players are a given - I am yet to see a volleyball player that I don't want to [word that KG mouths on the sidelines].

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