Today's three Game 3's featured a triple play of bawful. So in a Bill Simmons-esque manner, I shall hand out awards to these NBA games based on the defining trilogy of our generation.

EPISODE IV: The Adventures of Luke SkyRondo

The "I have a very bad feeling about this" Award: To David Stern, for gracing Chicago with his Emperor's presence. In a 2nd quarter interview, David Aldridge brought up some questions about the collective bargaining agreement and revenues. Stern kept his smiley composure, saying he has "no problem with whatever Billy [Hunter] says," and is "looking forward to negotiating with him this summer", in addition to his preparations to look at the "numbers" and do a "shall we say, data dump". Stern also mentioned he found the Union's lack of faith disturbing. Not shown was Stern force-choking Aldridge post interview.

The "I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home" Award: To Chicago's bumblefingers, racking up a 2-meter wide's worth of nine 1st quarter turnovers, ending the game with 22.

The "Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion" Award: To the "Rose" ROY ceremony, for an outstandingly bad pun made a physical reality, by literally sprinkling rose petals all over the stadium. I really wish they would have done this if Kevin Love or Rudy Gay had won the award. No one was around to rescue him however, as Rose finished with almost as many TOs (7) as points (9).

The "I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" Award: To Kevin Garnett, shown at the Celtics' practice running some drills with Perkins and stuff. In other words, kinda like he was coaching. In other words, kinda like he was doing Doc's job. In other words, I'm pretty sure Garnett's angry spirit will be back for a re-mastered Game 7, and may punch Hayden Christensen in the face.

The "I knew there was more to you than money!" Award: To the rest of the Celtics, who once again let Rondo be the leading rebounder on the team with 11. All three games now. He's a little short to be a stormtrooper.

The "I sense something; a presence I've not felt since..." Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial showing Kobe nailing the fadeaway on the Suns, followed by his midcourt fist celebration. Thanks for drilling home the point.

EPISODE V: Joe Crawford Strikes Back

The "Where did they get the funds to build a second Death Star?" Award: To ATDHE.net and justin.tv for providing the Spurs-Mavs game live and streaming from NBATV over the Internet. I don't know how they're doing it, as far as I know every streaming video business model is currently fail, so enjoy it while it lasts. Ah, the Internet. Giving me access to TV channels that would be stupid to pay for, so I can watch two teams I utterly hate.

The "I don't believe it." Award: To the Spurs' halftime score, courtesy of a 0-seconds-remaining floater, an astounding 30. Included in this scintillating show was 13-43 shooting (30.2%), 1-9 bricks beyond the arc, and 4 missed free throws.

The "That is why you fail." Award: To the Spurs starters, who were all pulled early 3rd quarter in the face of yet another sub 20 pt quarter.

The "Never tell me the odds" Award: To the Spurs' final score of 67, beating their previous bawful of 70. Their hyperspace calculations bounced them straight into a supernova, since unlike last time they had Tim Duncan and Tony Parker for this game.

The "Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me" Award: To Erik Dampier. After his well publicized boasting that he would put Tony Parker "on the floor", how did he respond? By picking up his first foul just 1:12 after the start of the game, and doing practically nothing else. He finished the 1st quarter with 1 rebound and 0 points, while Tony Parker grabbed 4 rebounds and scored 10 of the Spurs' 16.

The "I've just made a deal that'll keep the Empire out of here forever" Award: To Joey Crawford for filling the obligatory role as character with confusing intentions. Total number of egregious facepalm calls noticed without rewind or pause before I stopped watching the game at halftime: 2.

The "Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER" Award: To this commercial. Honestly, because I watched that SuperBADge thing yesterday, I wasn't as shocked when this commercial came up. But luckily, YouTube provides the full version of the song:



The "No. I am your father" Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial featuring Manu Ginobili running around the Shaq Suns, then kicking it to Duncan for the improbable 3. Seriously, [word that KG mouths on the sidelines] you.

EPISODE VI: Return of the Jazzi

The "Your overconfidence is your weakness" Award: To the Utah Jazz, with a loud home crowd and a 43-35 halftime lead, managed to give up 33 in the 3rd almost throwing away the game.

The "Your faith in your friends is yours" Award: To the Lakers, for letting the crowd get back in it so the Rebel scum could stage their comeback. Also to Yahoo! Box Scores, for confusing me in my sleep deprived state by having incorrect values in their box scores (the halftime score was 43-39, and the Lakers scored 29 in the 3rd).

The "Break off the attack! The shield is still up!" Award: To Kobe, who was 20 points away from surpassing Hakeem as 8th on the NBA playoffs scoring list. How did he respond? With 5-24 shooting, scoring 18. Enemy ships appeared in sector 47 soon after.

The "That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational!" Award: To Carlos Boozer, who continues his contract year phenomenon with some animal stylin' tonight (23 points, 22 rebounds).

The "If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will..." Award: To Andrew Bynum, for "fouling out", according to TNT, in Oden-esque fashion. However, once again crappy box scores everywhere show only 5 fouls in 7 minutes

The "Han will have that shield down. We've got to give him more time!" Award: To Kobe Bryant, who got to increase his game-winning shot percen-...oh wait, what's that? Oh, OOPS. My bad. Special mention to Pau Gasol, for simply letting Boozer walk by him for the morale-saving dunk. But my favorite moment at the end of this game were the replays, first when Deron's shot was in the air, they showed the camera on the Utah bench and you can see Matt Harpring raise his hands in celebration earlier than everyone else. When Kobe's shot was in the air, they showed the bench and it was Jordan Farmar and Bynum celebrating early, and then having to awkwardly recover.

The "I know. Somehow, I've always known EVEN WHILE I WAS KISSING YOU IN THE LAST MOVIE" Award: To Bennett Salvatore, for confirming what everyone already knows. It's like he has a quantum whistle, that takes both forms of being swallowed and inexplicably blown simultaneously. Help them take this mask off. Just for once... let the refs... look on fouls with their own eyes.

The "If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed [shoots lightning from fingertips]" Award: To Charles Barkley and the TNT studio, for plugging the upcoming X-Men movie by making it sound like an Inside the NBA halftime conversation. Kenny thinks Gambit is the toughest member of the X-Men and Sir Charles thinks it's Wolverine, and it all sounds normal until Barkley literally grows a pair of Wolverine claws to prove his point.

The Phantom Menances report: Lacktion so mysterious and steeped in pseudo-intellectual political drama you might not even get it...courtsey of Chris:

Spurs-Mavs: Ryan Hollins's one assist and steal in 13:53 were not enough to overcome some truly bawful miscues: one brick, one giveaway, and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl, his second Voskuhl of the postseason!

(Oh, and in a sign that the Spurs are in trouble...Fabricio Oberto was the leading scorer for San Antonio. Ouch.)

Lakers-Jazz: In a game decided by a clutch Deron Williams shot, you'd think that lacktivity would be far from the minds of Jerry Sloan and Phil Jackson - two coaches who have met before in the NBA Finals!

And you'd be very, very wrong.

For when you have the personnel to lack it up, and theoretically rest up contributors a few seconds or more...sometimes you just have to go with a championship-winning formula. So when it looked like the Lakers were ready to negate Utah's home court, Coach Zen brought out Josh Powell, who snookered himself at the rim once in 1:47 for a +1 suck differential. He also watched as Andrew Bynum - who is rumored to be hobbled with injury issues - provided a decidedly crippling performance at center in 7:08, negating two boards, a field goal, and two free throws with five fouls and two giveaways for a slight 7:6 Voskuhl.

Earlier in the match, the Jazz confidently trotted out Jarron Collins as a starting big man, and he successfully failed to deliver despite the obstacles of a made free throw and one board. Three fouls in 7:07 provided the impetus for a Madsen-level 3:2 Voskuhl, when the Jazz looked great in that first quarter.

Even though the Lakers had a serious chance to blow the game wide open, Sloan never lost faith and trotted out a human victory cigar in Brevin Knight. Brevin crowned himself the richest lacktator of the night with a 2.95 trillion take!

Kobe Bryant: He convinced Leia to kiss Luke to make Han jealous. And then he ate an Ewok.

About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as the NBA constantly reminds him that his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, are not in the 2009 playoffs. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, using quotes from Star Wars discreetly in conversation, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, I am your father, it's a trap, Los Angeles Lakers, siblings kissing, Star Wars, that's no moon