Today's three Game 3's featured a triple play of bawful. So in a Bill Simmons-esque manner, I shall hand out awards to these NBA games based on the defining trilogy of our generation.

EPISODE IV: The Adventures of Luke SkyRondo

The "I have a very bad feeling about this" Award: To David Stern, for gracing Chicago with his Emperor's presence. In a 2nd quarter interview, David Aldridge brought up some questions about the collective bargaining agreement and revenues. Stern kept his smiley composure, saying he has "no problem with whatever Billy [Hunter] says," and is "looking forward to negotiating with him this summer", in addition to his preparations to look at the "numbers" and do a "shall we say, data dump". Stern also mentioned he found the Union's lack of faith disturbing. Not shown was Stern force-choking Aldridge post interview.

The "I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home" Award: To Chicago's bumblefingers, racking up a 2-meter wide's worth of nine 1st quarter turnovers, ending the game with 22.

The "Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion" Award: To the "Rose" ROY ceremony, for an outstandingly bad pun made a physical reality, by literally sprinkling rose petals all over the stadium. I really wish they would have done this if Kevin Love or Rudy Gay had won the award. No one was around to rescue him however, as Rose finished with almost as many TOs (7) as points (9).

The "I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" Award: To Kevin Garnett, shown at the Celtics' practice running some drills with Perkins and stuff. In other words, kinda like he was coaching. In other words, kinda like he was doing Doc's job. In other words, I'm pretty sure Garnett's angry spirit will be back for a re-mastered Game 7, and may punch Hayden Christensen in the face.

The "I knew there was more to you than money!" Award: To the rest of the Celtics, who once again let Rondo be the leading rebounder on the team with 11. All three games now. He's a little short to be a stormtrooper.

The "I sense something; a presence I've not felt since..." Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial showing Kobe nailing the fadeaway on the Suns, followed by his midcourt fist celebration. Thanks for drilling home the point.

EPISODE V: Joe Crawford Strikes Back

The "Where did they get the funds to build a second Death Star?" Award: To and for providing the Spurs-Mavs game live and streaming from NBATV over the Internet. I don't know how they're doing it, as far as I know every streaming video business model is currently fail, so enjoy it while it lasts. Ah, the Internet. Giving me access to TV channels that would be stupid to pay for, so I can watch two teams I utterly hate.

The "I don't believe it." Award: To the Spurs' halftime score, courtesy of a 0-seconds-remaining floater, an astounding 30. Included in this scintillating show was 13-43 shooting (30.2%), 1-9 bricks beyond the arc, and 4 missed free throws.

The "That is why you fail." Award: To the Spurs starters, who were all pulled early 3rd quarter in the face of yet another sub 20 pt quarter.

The "Never tell me the odds" Award: To the Spurs' final score of 67, beating their previous bawful of 70. Their hyperspace calculations bounced them straight into a supernova, since unlike last time they had Tim Duncan and Tony Parker for this game.

The "Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me" Award: To Erik Dampier. After his well publicized boasting that he would put Tony Parker "on the floor", how did he respond? By picking up his first foul just 1:12 after the start of the game, and doing practically nothing else. He finished the 1st quarter with 1 rebound and 0 points, while Tony Parker grabbed 4 rebounds and scored 10 of the Spurs' 16.

The "I've just made a deal that'll keep the Empire out of here forever" Award: To Joey Crawford for filling the obligatory role as character with confusing intentions. Total number of egregious facepalm calls noticed without rewind or pause before I stopped watching the game at halftime: 2.

The "Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER" Award: To this commercial. Honestly, because I watched that SuperBADge thing yesterday, I wasn't as shocked when this commercial came up. But luckily, YouTube provides the full version of the song:

The "No. I am your father" Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial featuring Manu Ginobili running around the Shaq Suns, then kicking it to Duncan for the improbable 3. Seriously, [word that KG mouths on the sidelines] you.

EPISODE VI: Return of the Jazzi

The "Your overconfidence is your weakness" Award: To the Utah Jazz, with a loud home crowd and a 43-35 halftime lead, managed to give up 33 in the 3rd almost throwing away the game.

The "Your faith in your friends is yours" Award: To the Lakers, for letting the crowd get back in it so the Rebel scum could stage their comeback. Also to Yahoo! Box Scores, for confusing me in my sleep deprived state by having incorrect values in their box scores (the halftime score was 43-39, and the Lakers scored 29 in the 3rd).

The "Break off the attack! The shield is still up!" Award: To Kobe, who was 20 points away from surpassing Hakeem as 8th on the NBA playoffs scoring list. How did he respond? With 5-24 shooting, scoring 18. Enemy ships appeared in sector 47 soon after.

The "That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational!" Award: To Carlos Boozer, who continues his contract year phenomenon with some animal stylin' tonight (23 points, 22 rebounds).

The "If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will..." Award: To Andrew Bynum, for "fouling out", according to TNT, in Oden-esque fashion. However, once again crappy box scores everywhere show only 5 fouls in 7 minutes

The "Han will have that shield down. We've got to give him more time!" Award: To Kobe Bryant, who got to increase his game-winning shot percen-...oh wait, what's that? Oh, OOPS. My bad. Special mention to Pau Gasol, for simply letting Boozer walk by him for the morale-saving dunk. But my favorite moment at the end of this game were the replays, first when Deron's shot was in the air, they showed the camera on the Utah bench and you can see Matt Harpring raise his hands in celebration earlier than everyone else. When Kobe's shot was in the air, they showed the bench and it was Jordan Farmar and Bynum celebrating early, and then having to awkwardly recover.

The "I know. Somehow, I've always known EVEN WHILE I WAS KISSING YOU IN THE LAST MOVIE" Award: To Bennett Salvatore, for confirming what everyone already knows. It's like he has a quantum whistle, that takes both forms of being swallowed and inexplicably blown simultaneously. Help them take this mask off. Just for once... let the refs... look on fouls with their own eyes.

The "If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed [shoots lightning from fingertips]" Award: To Charles Barkley and the TNT studio, for plugging the upcoming X-Men movie by making it sound like an Inside the NBA halftime conversation. Kenny thinks Gambit is the toughest member of the X-Men and Sir Charles thinks it's Wolverine, and it all sounds normal until Barkley literally grows a pair of Wolverine claws to prove his point.

The Phantom Menances report: Lacktion so mysterious and steeped in pseudo-intellectual political drama you might not even get it...courtsey of Chris:

Spurs-Mavs: Ryan Hollins's one assist and steal in 13:53 were not enough to overcome some truly bawful miscues: one brick, one giveaway, and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl, his second Voskuhl of the postseason!

(Oh, and in a sign that the Spurs are in trouble...Fabricio Oberto was the leading scorer for San Antonio. Ouch.)

Lakers-Jazz: In a game decided by a clutch Deron Williams shot, you'd think that lacktivity would be far from the minds of Jerry Sloan and Phil Jackson - two coaches who have met before in the NBA Finals!

And you'd be very, very wrong.

For when you have the personnel to lack it up, and theoretically rest up contributors a few seconds or more...sometimes you just have to go with a championship-winning formula. So when it looked like the Lakers were ready to negate Utah's home court, Coach Zen brought out Josh Powell, who snookered himself at the rim once in 1:47 for a +1 suck differential. He also watched as Andrew Bynum - who is rumored to be hobbled with injury issues - provided a decidedly crippling performance at center in 7:08, negating two boards, a field goal, and two free throws with five fouls and two giveaways for a slight 7:6 Voskuhl.

Earlier in the match, the Jazz confidently trotted out Jarron Collins as a starting big man, and he successfully failed to deliver despite the obstacles of a made free throw and one board. Three fouls in 7:07 provided the impetus for a Madsen-level 3:2 Voskuhl, when the Jazz looked great in that first quarter.

Even though the Lakers had a serious chance to blow the game wide open, Sloan never lost faith and trotted out a human victory cigar in Brevin Knight. Brevin crowned himself the richest lacktator of the night with a 2.95 trillion take!
Kobe Bryant: He convinced Leia to kiss Luke to make Han jealous. And then he ate an Ewok.

About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as the NBA constantly reminds him that his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, are not in the 2009 playoffs. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, using quotes from Star Wars discreetly in conversation, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

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Anonymous Dan B. said...
So apparently Tony freaking Allen has been receiving death threats???

Celtic receives death threats in Chicago
Celtics guard Tony Allen, back in his hometown for Game 3 against the Bulls last night, has received death threats, according to several NBA sources, and security was added to protect the visitors' bench in the Celtics' 107-86 win. Sources said Allen has been receiving the threats in Chicago for some time. The former Crane High star also received threats prior to a March 17 game at Chicago, sources said, but he didn't make the trip because of a thumb injury. (Boston Globe)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
david stern is pure evil. i wasn´t sure until i saw his alien grin yesterday..

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Man, three horrible games yesterday: two blowouts and one bungle-fest. I guess the Celtics finally woke up and now it looks like this thing will be over in five. I don't know what took them so long. Also, shouldn't this have been what the games in Boston were supposed to look like? Last night's game was supposed to resemble Games 1 & 2. It's like Bizarro Series or something.

I said it before the playoffs started that I thought Dallas would win that series. I still think it's going 6 though, but the Mavs are just too healthy right now and have been generally playing really well. San Antonio... I dunno. Tim Duncan with only 4 points and 2 rebounds kinda tells you all you need to know about what's ailing the Spurs these days. If Dallas does pull this series out, I really am looking forward to next rounds Nuggets-Mavs. That's gonna be exciting.

I'm not sure really what to make of that Lakers-Jazz game. The Jazz outboard the Lakers by 15, they have 8 more assists, they shoot 8% better from the field, they took and made two more free throws than LA, Kobe was only 5-24, Andrew Bynum played only 7 minutes due to foul trouble, Pau Gasol missed 6 of 10 free throws... and yet the Jazz needed a buzzer beater to win. Still, that loss is squarely on the Lakers as they pretty clearly beat themselves last night. They weathered the Jazz's energy-infused start and were only trailing by 4 at half, then had a 13 point second half lead and they lost anyway. Really at one point it looked like the Jazz were about one more made Laker basket or missed shot of their own from just hanging their heads and giving up, but LA decided to take their foot off Utah's throat and just relaxed entirely. Still, considering all the stuff I started this paragraph off with, I can't imagine the Lakers turning in a performance anywhere near that bad again in Game 4. If the Jazz are gonna tie this thing up they've got to do a much better job than they did last night.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Dan B. - It was probably just another disgruntled 50 yr old stripper.

Anon - Honestly, if anyone saw the clip or finds it on YouTube, it's like they weren't showing Aldridge because he was being invisi-choked, and Stern was on the verge of yelling "ULTIMATE POWWAAAAAA!"

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yams posted: That's gonna be exciting.You probably weren't saying this sarcastically, but knowing your Lakers' fandom I can't help but laugh and imagine a smug smile behind these words, like saying the Gungan's battle was exciting, but ultimately meaningless fodder.

And despite how cheesy this sounds, I put the win in ESA (INSERT NBATV PUN HERE ABOUT CROWD ENERGY LOL!) on that crowd. Man, they were loud, even on TV... in flash... over the Internet. Similar analogy to Golden State's crowd 2 years ago. Insert joke here about Utah girls not being as easy/crazy as Colorado girls, hence explaining Kobe's poor performance.

Anonymous Pablo said...
Anaconda, you made a Bill Simmons style post today and in your first comment you even made the same Darth Vader force-choke joke as Simmons in today's Celtics-Bulls article! Seperated at birth?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
AnacondaHL - I gotta be honest, I'm finding this Lakers series to be one of the less interesting ones in this first round. The only thing of interest really is whether the Lakers will actually step it up a notch and just dispatch of the Jazz already or whether they'll keep playing non-championship caliber basketball that's gonna bite them in the ass down the road.

In all sincerity the Nuggets series I find infinitely more compelling, and I also am impressed with the energy that Dallas is playing with. I really think Dallas-Denver could be the most interesting series in the 2nd round for either conference. A Blazers-Lakers grudge match would probably hold more intrigue, but I really don't see Portland making it out of this round now that they don't have HCA anymore; and a Wade-LeBron series would have a lot of star power, but I think that would ultimately be pretty one-sided. Orlando-Boston would mainly just be frustrating, because you'd be looking at one team that isn't playing up to its potential (the Magic) and one that's unfairly denied its best player due to an injury. And Lakers-Rockets will almost surely be dull, just another repeat of this Lakers-Jazz series.

But anyone who is a basketball fan really has to be licking their chops at the prospect of Dallas and Denver meeting in Round Two. Dallas is really taking it to the Spurs, and even though San Antonio is slowed a lot right now, let's not forget that this is The Spurs we're talking about. Their wins in Games 1 and 3 are really impressive, IMO. And then there's the Nuggets, who are bar none the most exciting team in the playoffs right now. That's a team that was always so frustrating because they were so loaded with talent and so splintered as a team, all going their own ways, so I have to say it's really fun to watch them finally all playing together and actually playing some defense.

Yeah it's in the back of my mind that ultimately whoever wins in a Dallas-Denver series will probably lose to the Lakers, but to be completely honest, the Lakers probably aren't going to be that interesting to me in these playoffs until they get to The Finals (unless Portland beats Houston). When the Lakers beat a team like Utah (or Houston) I just feel like "yeah, well they should beat them" and when they don't, like they didn't last night, I don't suddenly think that Utah is a threat to win this series. I dunno, maybe I'm jaded or something. Are most people finding that Lakers-Jazz series to be real compelling?

Anonymous Bunk Moreland said...
Based on last night's game, Spurs look they will be this years pistons next year, espcially if Duncan does not get new knees, maybe ones he can control with the force.

Have to give Simmons his own award - say the "scruffy looking nerf herder" for his column today about how Celtics/Bulls was going to be an epic series.

The celtics should get the "if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possible imagine award" for coming back and dismissing the bulls and any talk that Rose is better than Rondo.

Blogger Austen said...
It's a pity you had to use Return of the Jedi for the Jazz-Lakers game, because the entire Lakers team is just begging for "Evacuate?! In our moment of Triumph?! Obviously you underestimate these rebels' chances!"

Still, you can always use "He's no Jedi..." for Kobe's pitiful performance last night.

As for the Jazz-Lakers series as a whole, if the Jazz can bring the energy and drive into Game 4 that they had in Game 3 (and Carlos Boozer doesn't suddenly suffer from Midiclorian-deficiency), they can win that game. Then we have the double-sided coin toss that is the Jazz's performance on the road. The Jazz are extremely likely going to lose this series in 5-6 games, but as a Jazz fan one can always hope that the Ghost of Larry Miller will push them on to pull out a miracle.

Blogger Austen said...
Bah, that should be "overestimate", not "underestimate".

Blogger Dick Sullivan said...
"After his well publicized boasting that he would put Tony Parker "on the floor", how did he respond? By picking up his first foul just 1:12 after the start of the game, and doing practically nothing else."Hey, hey, hey. He did go on to notch 9 rebounds and 3 blocks, one of those a vicious rejection of a Tony Longoria layup. And all that in just 23 minutes. Not amazing, but not "nothing else."

Anonymous Al James said...
You didn't do the greatest quote of all! Admiral Ackbar's "It's a trap!"

Blogger Caleb Smith said...
Man that spongebob/burger king commerical is really bizarre. Are they really advertising KIDS meals with a song about asses? Hmm.. well, okay.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: [word that KG mouths on the sidelines] = pure gold, especially since he unleashed some variant of that at the end of Game 2!

Anonymous Joe said...
Since I live in Utah I get to see Jerry Sloan mouth the very same word on TV a whole lot. I once hired a lip reader to see if I could capture his whole conversation. The text of it is listed below:

Duck shoe, you bucking tucker. That is a fool spit call. Pure cool ship! Figure your fit out you stupid mucker!

That Jerry Sloan sure does say some crazy things. . .

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Pablo - Whaaat? I read Simmons's stuff, just reskimmed it, but I don't remember any force choke joke. Can you quote it?

Yams posted: Are most people finding that Lakers-Jazz series to be real compelling?" - Nope.

Dick Sullivan - Oh, people were still watching that game after halftime? That's what I meant by "nothing else".

Al James - I had to stray from overused-Internet phrases, too hard to keep them fresh and clever. Check the tags section, however, I set that up for everyone.

Caleb Smith - Burger King surpassed Sprite in terms of a completely off-the-wall advertising campaign... and I love it. I think they understand the random fame of the Internet, and have one of the few PR departments that can handle it.

chris - DVD BONUS: In the notes I jot while watching the game and my rough drafts, I simply had "Seriously, fuck you." to emphasize my anger as a Suns fan. But at last minute I forgot if Bawful uses "fuck" in main articles, so that was one of the last minute changes. Another was somehow involving "Luke Walton Skywalker" and "Princess Sashia Organa" in the daily Mamba.

Joe - Sorry if I gave the impression that I actually care about the Jazz. In Utah's credit, skiing there is very nice.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
"The King" is badass.

My record is 4 whoppers when I was 16 years old. I will never eat a BK burger again (famous last words, I know), but I LOVE their ad campaigns.

"The King" as Ed Reed"The Whopper Jr"Big Buckin' Chicken"And the Square Butts video was freakin' rad.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL -- Quick note on the "[word that KG mouths on the sidelines]" item. First, I don't typically drop my F-bombs on the main page...I usually reserve 'em for the comments. But I would have been fine with you doing it, although your substitute was much brilliantier.

On the subject of KG and his potty mouth, I was at a downtown Chicago bar called "Stocks and Blonds" last night prior to heading to the United Center for the Game 3 of Horror. I had just purchased a Derrick Rose jersey for the game. Our waitress noticed it and asked if I was going to the game. I told her yes, and she said, "You gotta play the Kevin Garnett Drinking Game sometimes. One drink when they show him on TV, two drinks if he's yelling at a teammate, and three drinks every time he says [word that KG mouths on the sidelines] or mother [word that KG mouths on the sidelines]."

Also, I just got off the phone with BadDave. He and I generally consider ourselves to be in the top five percent of geeky Star Wars fans in the country/world. But we decided that your sly "sector 47" reference (a.k.a., the line that immediately precedes "It's a trap!") puts you in the top 0.5 percent of said fans. Thoughts?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Bawful - Geek success! Like I said, instead of the "fresh and clever" route, I went the "obscure and nerdy" route. Sadly, or possibly for my own good, I'm only in the 5% bracket: I've attended midnight showings, and played the collectable card game and much of the franchise's video/computer games, and assembled the 3D-puzzle of the Millenium Falcon. But I haven't played KOTOR, I own no Jedi regalia nor lightsaber, and I used IMDB's quote page to remember it all. However, I did e-mail Harrison Ford, asking him if he would write the Forward to my new book, "Taming the Tsundere".

Blogger Wild Yams said...
A couple quick notes on Ackbar:

1. When he says his signature "It's a trap!" line, be sure to look in the background while one of his countrymen? (another goldfish-lookin' dude) is randomly pointing in a couple different directions. It's some totally stellar extra work, lemme tell you.

2. At the end after *spoiler alert* Death Star II goes boom and they're partying like it's 1999 on the forest moon of Endor, be sure to look for Ackbar dancing with Ewoks. Truly priceless. Also, if you happen to be watching one of the shitty redone versions with all the CGI inserted, during that celebration scene be sure to look for the Stormtrooper who is crowd surfing on Coruscant, and keep an eye out for Jar Jar yelling "Weesa free!" on Naboo (it's even in the subtitles on the DVD).

Also, the main thing to look for while watching Return of the Jedi is how coked out of her mind Carrie Fisher is. She's especially hilarious when she's onscreen and not saying anything and C3-P0 is talking. You can just see the thought bubbles above her head saying things like "look how shiny that thing is". Also pay close attention to how badly Harrison Ford mailed in his performance in that movie. In fact, the Lakers could get the "Harrison Ford mailed in performance award" for their game last night.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
More Ackbar-tastic. Mute it when he's at the "It's a trap!" line, and play any 80's robot-rock song. Possible songs include: "Whip it" by Devo, "Mr. Roboto" by the Styx, "Rockit" by Herbie Hancock, "The Freaks Come Out at Night" by Whoodini, and "Planet Rock" by Afrika Bambaata.

Anonymous AK Dave said...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Okay, weirdness. I was scanning through Simmons' article to try and find the force choke joke (I didn't), but I came across a KG drinking game one of Bill's readers sent him that was very similar to the one our waitress described to us last night. I had to make a few calls (one of my buddies is buddies with that waitress), to see if she read that out of Simmons' article. Her responses were, in this order, "Who's Bill Simmons" and "We made that up at the bar."

Funny how similar things pop up all over the place simultaneously.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Speaking of photoshops, I think BadDave's profile pic looks shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm sorry Yams, but that is incorrect. I have indeed shtooped Eva Longoria.

Anonymous Dan B. said...
Bawful -- apparently, the jokes DO just write themselves sometimes, don't they?

Blogger stephanie g said...
I liked this site, check it out:

Anonymous Anonymous said...
congrats!! you beat out reds army

Anonymous Mladen said...
stephanie g:

Cool site, mad me laugh - my favorites:

- Greg Oden: Korean War Veteran
- Kobe finding peace and quiet at a Clippers game
- Chris Kaman: date rapist/custodian worker

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Not weird that the game would be invented multiple times. My wife, who dislikes hoops (especially when she could be watching HGTV), said, "Why do they keep showing that guy?" "Why does his keep saying fuck?" and "Why is he wearing that abnormally large diamond earring? It's ugly." SHE came this close to inventing the Garnnett drinking game.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
AnacondaHL- for the mutha*&^*&^ WIN. I'm so glad someone showed me that sight. Now I can watch NBA when nobody is at the office (AK time is EST -4hrs, so often I can see the whole 1st half of the early game lol)

Blogger Henchman #2 said...
The "But I was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!" award goes to Tyrus Thomas, for throwing a hissy fit. VDN gets the Grand Moff Tarkin memorial award for standing completely still while getting blown up.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yams: I heart you.

stephanie g: It's like someone from TheOnion is an NBA fan.

AK Dave: Someone at my Clark Kent job asked if there were cricket matches online too. Seen anything like that?

Anonymous DKH said...
Haha, from the recap of the Cavs/Pistons game:

Associated Press, backhanded compliment machine: "Ilgauskas got to a loose ball near Detroit's free-throw line. The Pistons let him dribble up the court and make a jump pass in the lane to James as if the 7-foot-3, 260-pound center was nimble."