There was a Grade A meat party going on in Cleveland last night, and only LeBron James and Wally Szczerbiak were on the guest list. I can't decide which is more titillating: Wally's possessive "he's mine, bitch!" expression or LeBron's "get off me, pimpmeister!" look.


Here's another angle. Note how Wally's pout is equal parts longing and regret. (His contract is expiring, after all. Once that happens, he'll never be allowed within 20 Oliver Miller's of LeBron ever again.) Note also that 'Bron is desperately trying to convert the man-hug into a fist kiss.


Here's another shot from last night's game, in which Wally seems to be going for the dual hand-hold and butt slap. Man, LeBron's lucky that Wally has only two hands.

Labels: Lebron James, man love, Wally Szczerbiak

The Orlando Magic: This is the kind of loss that could convince Ben Q. Rock to change the name of his blog to "Fourth Quarter Collapse." Much like the Nuggets in their Game 5 failure in L.A., the Magic played the Cavaliers to a standstill through three quarters -- despite falling behind 32-10 nine minutes into the game -- and were actually up by a point going into the fourth. And that's when Orlando crumbled under Cleveland's defensive pressure.

On the Magic's first fourth-quarter possession, Anthony Johnson had his shot blocked by Boobie Gibson, which forced a shot clock violation. That one play seemed to set a tone for the final 12 minutes, during which Orlando couldn't get on track offensively and couldn't get a stop on the other end. The bottom line was, they were just straight-up outplayed, not to mention outscored 34-23 on the way to a 112-102 defeat. Basically, it was the second-worst ending I saw yesterday...the first-worst being this conclusion from Charles Barkley Shut and Jam Gaiden:


Defensively, the Magic weren't able to stop Cleveland's three-point shooters (who went 9-for-18 on the night), and they couldn't do ANYTHING with LeBron James (37 points, 14 rebounds, 12 assists). They did manage to shut down Ben Wallace (zero points, 0-for-2), but that's about it. Of course, things might have gone a wee bit differently if not for...

Orlando's free throw shooting: The Magicians bricked 13 freebies, which is a pretty significant number in an 10-point loss. And 10 of that basker's dozen worth of misses were split up between Orlando's big three of Dwight Howard (five misses), Rashard Lewis (three) and Hedo Turkoglu (two). Then too, another problem was...

Orlando's three-point shooting: While the Cavs were knocking down half of their three-bombs, the Magi were hitting only 32 percent (8-for-25) of theirs. Considering how many long-distance shots they take, it seems to me that Orlando really needs to shoot 40 percent or better from downtown to win. On the subject of shooting blanks from distance, I should probably address the woes of...

Rafer Alston: My oh my this guy was awful last night: 1-for-10 from the field, 1-for-7 from beyond the arc, 3 points, 4 assists, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls. Oh, and he had BY FAR the worst plus-minus score (-20) of the night. (Hedo Turkoglu was a distant second at -11). And yeah, a lot of that was racked up when the Magic fell behind by 22 in the first quarter, you can see by this game flow chart that Orlando wasn't making much of anything happen when Skip to My Lou was on the floor. And that's becoming a pattern, as Ben. Q. Rock pointed out: "Rafer has shot 6-of-27 in the three games in Cleveland this series, which has me wiping egg off my face after highlighting his usually outstanding marksmanship in The Q over the last several seasons. Poor shooting, poor decision-making, and poor defense from Rafer tonight. Not even Anthony Johnson's steady play -- yeah, he shot 2-of-6, but it seemed better than that -- mitigated Rafer's poor showing." Which brings up an intersting point...

Stan Van Gundy: Why did he go to Rafer in the fourth quarter despite the fact that Alston was having the kind of night that was only slightly less humiliating than starting the first slap fight in NHL history? There HAD to be a better crunchtime lineup, right? Mr. Rock thinks so: "Rafer's poor play had me questioning why he was even on the floor with the game on the line during the fourth period. Either he has it or he doesn't, and tonight, he didn't. Quite obviously. The Magic have had some success with Hedo Turkoglu running point-forward, using Courtney Lee as the nominal point guard with Mickael Pietrus in the backcourt. Very, very surprised not to see that lineup on the floor late in the game, and I can't think of any disadvantages to using it, frankly. Lee can handle either Williams or Gibson, with Turkoglu trying to check the other one as Pietrus works (futilely?) to defend James. And before pointing out that Turkoglu hasn't the quickness to effectively defend those guys, let me remind you that they're essentially stand-still shooters in late-game situations, as James gets the ball at the top of the key and goes to work. He's the one doing the driving and the kicking, not them. Turk, at 6'10", has the size and length to effectively close out on either player. So again, I ask: 'why didn't the Magic go point-guard-free at the end of the game?'"

Thursday night lacktion report: Even this titanic Game 5 clash was not free of lacktivity, as Chris will now prove: "Sasha Pavlovic moved some building blocks to the tune of 'Korobeniki' for a 58-second Mario, while Tarence Kinsey did his part to will the Crabs to victory, eating a power-up mushroom quickly for a 2-second Super Mario! In his three lacktive appearances so far this round, Tarence has continued to mash the NES Advantage with Marios in all of those games, a total of a mere 19 seconds played so far for the aforementioned matches!"

Cleveland: Remember how almost a month ago I posted that Cleveland tourism video? Well, an alternate version made it onto TNT last night. Hey, TNT crew. I beat you by 24 days. I'm just sayin'. Here's the video:


Ron Artest: Basketbawful reader Yiping said that this was the best 4 minutes of his entire lifetime. Maybe it'll be yours too...as Crazy Pills video-blogs from his bed.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, free throws, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

The Denver Nuggets: Give the Nuggets some credit: They played the Lakers to a standstill through three quarters. Unfortunately for the Denver faithful, David Stern continues to insist that games go the full four...which turned out to be seriously bad news for the Nuggets. I'm talking "the groom drinking too much at his own wedding and DYING" bad. Denver was thoroughly outplayed in the final period en route to a 103-94 knockout that sorta reminded me of this one:


The Nuggets shot 23 percent (5-for-21) in those final 12 minutes, during which they were outscored 27-18. But actually, their fail parade started with a case of butterfingers in the third quarter. Denver was up 73-68 with 4:20 to go in the third when Chauncey Billups got caught in the air and threw a tuuurrible pass that was stolen by Pau Gasol, which led to this momentum-changing posterization of the Birdman by Shannon Brown:


That was the first of four straight turnovers by the Nuggets. On their next possession, Billups had ANOTHER pass stolen by Gasol. After that, Carmelo Anthony got called for traveling. Next up was a shot clock violation. Denver scored only once more in the quarter -- a three-pointer by Billups -- which allowed L.A. to come back and tie things up.

After that, the Nuggets became totally unhinged. It took them more than four minutes to score their first points of the fourth quarter...by which time they were already down 11 (87-76). The good news is that they outscored the Lakers by two the rest of the way. The bad news is that they lost by nine.

Nene: The Lakers' big men (Lamar Odom, Pau Gasol, Trevor Ariza and Andrew Bynum) owned the paint the way these exercise balls owned their exercisers, combining for 54 points, 31 rebounds and 11 blocked shots. And while they were kicking sand in the Nuggets' faces and taking their girlfriends and/or baby mamas, Nene was either a helpless shooting prop or watching from the sidelines. Shackled by foul trouble all night, Nene fouled out in only 26 minutes, finishing with 4 points (1-for-3) and as many fouls and turnovers as rebounds (8). Of course, it's worth pointing out...

Nene's sixth foul: It was complete and utter crap. I've seen Nigerian money scams that were easier to swallow. (Speaking of which, if you haven't checked out 419eater.com, you really should.) Pau Gasol -- while trying to drive from 17 feet out -- bent down, stuck out his off arm and shoved Nene down. Nene had position and was moving his feet...but Gasol got the benefit of the whistle on what really should have been an offensive foul. Instead, Nene had to sit and Pau was rewarded with a couple foul shots. Mind you, the Nuggets had just used a 6-0 run to pull to within 91-87. But instead of getting the ball back with a chance to pull to within one or two, they lost their only true center and fell behind by six. That was a huge swing at a critical time. And helped lead to...

Another officiating controversy: After Game 4, Phil Jackson went semi-postal on the refs due to what he felt was unfair and inconsistent officiating. In particular, he blasted the zebras for hitting the Son of Walton with a tech after Luke complained about being elbowed by Nene. Said P-Jax: "It was an off-ball cut, and the referee gave him a technical then subsequently gave him three consecutive fouls out on the floor. That kind of disparity, we don't like in ball games. That's not equal refereeing and those are the things that change the course of games. We don't like that. We want the game to be fair and evenly played." Naturally, the NBA fined him $25,000 for not keeping his trap shut (the Lakers as an organization were also fined $25,000), to which Jackson responded with more vitriol: "I didn't think very good of [the fine] at all. I thought I was very conciliatory, tried to soft-pedal my comments, but that's the league for you. They'll come back and hammer you."

If Phil's right -- and believe me, he is -- then you can probably expect George Karl to get hammered after expressing the feeling that his players got screwed in Game 5: "I'm not going to get fined," said Karl, who proceeded to make comments that almost certainly will get him fined. "... It was a difficult whistle to play, no question about that. Every player in my locker room is frustrated, from guards to big guys. Look at the stat sheet. Gasol goes after at least 20 jump shots and 20 shots to the rim and gets one foul. Our big guys have 16. I don't know. Nene has six fouls; three or four of them don't exist. And it's frustrating when you take one of your big guys off the court for that many minutes. ... I think Stan Van Gundy says it right. In the postgame, we're lobbying for the league to help us with the refereeing. And this is too good a series. It's too good of teams competing that we're sitting here just confused by the whistle."

One anonymous Nuggets player -- he requested anonymity ostensibly to avoid being fined, but I'm guessing he was just as afraid of the public backlash -- even accused the Lakers of "buying" the game through those two $25,000 fines: "The Lakers paid $50,000 to win that game. They got their money's worth." Wow. Next thing you know, we'll find out that Ron Garretson was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

That anonymous Nuggets player: Grow a pair. Seriously.

J.R. Smith: "Smitty" is supposed to provide scoring punch off the Denver bench, but he has yet to offer up more than a weak slap on the road in this series. He scored 8 and 3 points (on combined 3-for-13 shooting) in Games 1 and 2, and last night he finished with only 7 on 3-for-13 from the field and 1-for-10 on threes. That last stat is the one that really bothers me. Why not try DRIVING for a change, Smitty?

That nasty smell? It's your jumper, Smitty.
Chris Andersen: He had a typical Birdmany game -- 2 points, 8 boards and 4 blocked shots in 24 minutes -- but the number that caught my eye was -17. That was Birdzilla's plus-minus score. Now, normally I don't pay much attention to that statistic. However, in this case, it's pretty telling...because (as noted above) the Lakers' big men had their way, particularly when Andersen was subbing at center for the foul-plagued Nene. Guys were scoring over Chris like he wasn't even there, and it became pretty obvious (in case it wasn't already) that the Birdman is best used in relief and NOT as a first option at the five spot. Oh, and also as noted above, he took it in the face from Shannon Brown, which I guess was Shannon's revenge for this:


Update! Lamar Odom: Not only is Lamar dangerously obsessed with candy...he has a personal assistant who BUYS HIS CANDY FOR HIM. His daily candy expense would buy two weeks of groceries for me. Seriously. The diet of an elite professional athlete? Apparently. Thanks to Elvar from Iceland for the link.

Kobe Bryant: He had one of his most efficient games of the playoffs: 22 points on 13 shots to go along with 5 rebounds and a game-high 8 assists. Of course, he also had a game-high 7 turnovers, but that's not why he's here. It's because he some predictably Mamba-like things to say after the game: "It was a big gamble for me coming in, but I wanted to change my approach this game and be more of a decoy. The past couple games they really were loading to my side and I figured I could be a decoy and try to give chances to my teammates." Yes. Trusting his teammates was a BIG GAMBLE. Passing the ball when the opposing defense is loading up against you is Basketball 101, but it sounds like Kobe wants a bag full of extra hands to pat himself on the back with for actually, you know, playing smart basketball instead of continuing to shoot over triple-teams. Yay for you, Kobe.

Labels: Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, J.R. Smith, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, officiating, Phil Jackson

The Cleveland Cavaliers: The best team in basketball. At 66-16, that's what the Cavs were during the regular season. That's what Mo Williams says they are now (see below). They were so dominant in the opening two rounds of the playoffs (against the hapless Pistons and overrated Hawks) that some people were talking about them going fo' fo' fo' on their way to the NBA Finals. And yet, after last night's 116-114 overtime loss in Orlando, the Cavaliers are staring up at a 3-1 series deficit that, if not for some truly lousy last-second defense by the Magic, would have been a 4-0 sweep. When was the last time that the "best team in basketball" came within a single second of getting swept out of the postseason?

Mind you, this has been a freaky-close series. (It actually kind of reminds me of the 1981 Eastern Conference Finals between the Celtics and Sixers, where Games 1 and 7 were decided by a point and Games 4, 5 and 6 were decided by two points.) Games 1 and 2 both featured clutch shots and were each decided by one point. Game 3 featured even more clutch shots and went to overtime, where the final margin was only two. So clearly things could have gone either way, and Orlando could very well be the team that's down 3-1. But they aren't.

So what went wrong for Cleveland? Well, for starters, their best-in-the-league defense failed them once again. The Magicians shot 50 percent from the field (40-for-80) and nearly 45 percent from downtown (17-for-38). In fact, those 17 threes set an Orlando team playoff record. And it wasn't even the usual suspects (Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis) doing most of that triple-threat damage, either. Rafer Alston (26 points, 10-for-17) drilled six three-pointers and Mickael Pietrus (17 points) nailed five. (Alston even knocked down a banked three-bomb over King James.) Of course, that's what makes Orlando so dangerous...you really do have to guard everybody on the floor. Which is something the Cavs weren't able to do last night.

It also didn't help that their offense has, at times, regressed to the 2007 version, or the 2006 version, or the 2005 version. That is, lots of standing around while LeBron either holds or dribbles the hell out of the ball. Sure, that allows 'Bron to pad his stats and, yeah, it sometimes generates open shots for his teammates. But when that happens, Cleveland's shooters had all the rhythm of The Urkel Dance, hence the 6-for-22 shooting from beyond the arc (2-for-12 sans LeBron's 4-for-10). Mo Williams (5-for-15) and Delonte West combined to go 0-for-6 from distance. And those guys shot 43.6 and 39.9 percent in threes during the regular season. The other big problem was...

LeBron James: His near triple-double (44 points, 12 boards, 7 assists) was actually a near triple-bumble, thanks to his game-high 8 turnovers. Even more damning is WHEN those turnovers occurred: 3 came in the final 3:50 of regulation and he committed another 3 in overtime. That's 6 TOs in "clutch time." (For the sake of perspective, all of the Cavaliers not named "LeBron James" had 4 turnovers FOR THE GAME.) And a few of King Crab's TOs were just bad, careless passes. I suppose it's also worth mentioning that he was guilty of overdribbling and spending way too much time looking for or trying to create his own shot. The Cavs' offense was at its best last night when the ball and the players were moving. And last night, LeBron spent too much time killing the clock.

Mo Williams: In case you missed it, here's the full text of Mo's guarantee: "They deserve respect. They are a good team. But we are the best team in basketball. I don't feel that they've had to adjust to us one time in the series. ... Guarantee we're going to win the series? Yeah, yeah. We are down 2-1. But there is nobody on this team and definitely not myself that says we are not going to win this series. Yeah, it is going to be tough. We know that. We get this game tomorrow, go home, still got home-court advantage. We don't see ourselves losing two out of three at home." If Cleveland goes on to lose this series, Mo is going to surpass Devin "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" Harris for the season's greatest and most crippling stat curse. Oh, and here's a memo for Mo: Next time you make a "Guaransheed," you might wanna do better than 5-for-15 from the field and 0-for-3 in threes. I'm just sayin'.

The Orlando Magic: The Magicians played most of the game from behind but managed to forge an 8-point lead (83-91) when Courtney Lee hit a three with 7:48 left in the fourth. From that point on, their offense went stupid. I'm talking grown men dressing up like the Super Mario Bros. and waging a live action lightsaber duel (with special effects!) stupid. I'm talking Sony releasing a stupid piece of sh*t that doesn't f*cking work stupid. Rushed threes, too much dribbling, nothing going toward the basket. I will never understand why a team insists on chucking it up from 20+ feet when they're in the freaking penalty. Can anyone else explain this?

Oh, and here's a memo for Stan Van Gundy: The Cavaliers figured out that high screen and roll with Hedo and Dwight. I understand Van Gundy's desire to go back to that play, because they've scored a lot of points off of it during this series. But it wasn't working in the fourth quarter, mostly because Anderson Varejao -- unlike Zydrunas Ilgauskas -- can actually MOVE LATERALLY. Sideshow Bob even pilfered Hedo twice, so easily that it was embarrassing. Not exactly the leader of the free world getting outsmarted by a door, or getting your frank 'n beans caught in your zipper on prom night, but still.

Dwight Howard: He had a MAN-type game (27 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 blocked shots), a MAN-type overtime (10 points, which included three dunks) and a Rick Barry-type night at the line (7-for-9). BUT...he scored only 4 points in the third and fourth quarters, and he was blanked during the fourth when the Cavs were making the charge that almost allowed them to steal the game. Heck, Delonte West even drove right at Howard for a layup near the end of regulation. His second-half disappearance (until overtime) very nearly cost his team the game.

More lousy officiating: Ugh and double-ugh. Dwight Howard gets a technical foul with 4:11 left in the fourth for...flexing looking really happy after getting an And-1? (If this one stands, I will demand that the NBA retroactively assess about 371 technical fouls on Alonzo Mourning.) And even though only one tech was called, Mo Williams gets two free throws? Did I miss something? (Not according to the game log I didn't.) LeBron draws a foul by falling into Pietrus with 0.5 seconds left, "earning" two FTAs that allow him to tie the game. Then Varejao rides Howard out of bounds on Orlando's final play and there's no call. (Even the always-impartial AP said: "Both players tumbled out of bounds, and although there was enough contact for the officials to call two or three fouls, there was no whistle.") Now, mind you, I would have been fine if either a) both had been no-calls (my preference) or b) both had been called. Again, at this point I've given up my hopes for correct officiating and only want consistency. But I can't even get that. Unless by consistency I mean "King James always gets the benefit of the doubt"...because I get that in spades.

Tuesday night lacktion report: It's pretty hard to hunt down lacktion in a two-point overtime game, but Chris did it: "Joe Smith routinely pinched out a 4.15 trillion (the largest payday in the third round so far), while Tony Battie continues his epic run to the Damon Jones Award -- and a potential trip to the Finals - with a celebratory brick for a +1 suck differential in 5:09."

Weird Gold Jacket Guy: From Basketbawful reader Wade Wisdom: "You might have already addressed this at some point in time, but my friend and I have seen this guy (picture attached from the Magic game 5/26) at four sites during the playoffs, including L.A., Denver, Houston and now Orlando. He is really weird and seems to have no affiliation with any one team. The only constant is that he wears that stupid jacket and hat. Maybe one of your readers will know? Thanks for the help."


Well? Anybody know who this guy is?

John Denton, unintentionally dirty headline-writing machine: NBA rescinds 'flagrant-one' foul on Magic's Johnson‎. Let's hear it for jokes that write themselves.

Kobe Bryant: Basketbawful reader catfish writes: "From ESPN: 'Who would win a 1-on-1 game? Quick Olympics story: Both guys played P-I-G against commoners last summer. LeBron almost lost to Sean Gregory of Time Magazine. Kobe used a dunk on his first shot to give Adam Wright of the U.S. water polo team a P, and it was all but over. It's Kobe.' Who dunks in P-I-G or H-O-R-S-E other than a huge dick? That's like challenging a small kid to a game of 1-on-1 and making it 'make it take it.' I'm gonna put my foot on your throat and never let up, and I could care less if you're only seven years old..."

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James, Mo Williams, Orlando Magic

The Los Angeles Lakers: After so much was written in the last two days about how tired the Lakers were following Game 3, they came out last night and played like they wanted to prove just how exhausted they really were. You know: Like a group of narcoleptics who ate a huge Thanksgiving dinner (I'm talking, like, four or five helpings) after running an ultramarathon and now are snuggled up on the couch under a warm blanket watching the Detroit Lions get destroyed by [Name of Whatever Team They're Playing on Thanksgiving This Year]. It's sort of understandable that the Lakers would be tired, since they've played every other day for three straight weeks now (with the one exception being the two-day break between Games 6 and 7 of the previous round); but then again, they have no one to blame but themselves for not having extra time to rest after needing seven games to beat a depleted Rockets team in the Western Conference Semis. It doesn't figure to get any easier for the Lakers either, as they will continue to go every other day (only now with traveling in between each game) for the rest of the conference finals. On the upside, if they play the way they did last night in the next couple games, they'll soon have a couple months off to rest up.

The Lakers' lethargy was especially evident on the glass, where they were absolutely obliterated 58-40. (That sound you just heard was Wilt Chamberlain rolling over in his grave, probably after zombie-sexing up the hottie three tombstones over.) Even more telling was that they let Denver rip down 20 offensive rebounds. Not only did Denver outboard the Lakers by 18, but it was the first time in 8 meetings between the two teams this season that Denver had outrebounded the Lakers at all. The best Denver had done on the boards against the Lakers prior to last night was just tie them in total rebounds (Game 3), but otherwise the Lakers have held a fairly decisive rebounding edge against these Nuggets all year. Clearly one team came to play last night...and the other team was the Lakers.

Officiating: Unfortunately, this was was yet another game in these Conference Finals where the refs tried to steal the show. And not in a totally sweet "Vanilla Ice cameo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze" kind of way. What had started off as a really great third round in both Conference Finals series has turned into the same traveshamockeriness we saw in the last round, with way too many fouls and free throws, and a bunch of questionable technical fouls and flagrant fouls being called. After Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, some people made a skunky beer stink about the absurd 86 combined foul shots. Well, apparently the NBA doesn't care that the fans don't want to watch a free throw parade, since the Lakers and Nuggets combined to shoot 85 last night.

In the last game's writeup I pointed out that four of Denver's starters had 5 or more fouls. Well, they must have made some pretty big adjustments, since only three Nugget players had more than 2 fouls last night (Kenyon Martin with 3, JR Smith with 4 and Carmelo Anthony with 5). Meanwhile three Laker players had 5 fouls and Luke Walton fouled out in only 12 minutes. In Game 3 the Lakers had a 14 free throw advantage, while in Game 4 it was Denver that enjoyed a 14 free throw advantage. It's just too bad the refs can't be a little more consistent in any area other than with all the excessive technicals (Denver once again had 3 last night, just like in Game 3) and flagrants (Andrew Bynum received one last night for swiping at the ball -- and hitting it -- and ruffling the Birdman's headband in the process). The officiating didn't cost the Lakers the game, not by a long shot, but it's just an ongoing concern for basketball fans that we can't watch the players settle things from somewhere other than the free throw line. Like maybe the Thunderdome.

Trevor Ariza: After being such a major contributor for the Lakers in this series, Ariza was about as invisible last night as Kevin Bacon was in Hollowman. [Edit: Or, alternately, as invisible as "solid plot" or "good writing" or "anything not resembling a giant turd of a movie" in the woefully bawful Terminator Salvation. -Basketbawful] He finished the game with as many fouls (5) as he had points, assists, rebounds, blocks and steals combined. He also had one turnover. You could argue that he helped defend Carmelo Anthony into shooting only 3-for-16 for 15 points, but 'Melo looked like he was limping around a lot out there, so I don't know how much credit the Laker defense should get. To be fair, Ariza supposedly is fighting off a couple injuries himself (and possibly an ouchie in his girl parts), but if those wounds are gonna limit him to the kind of performance he had last night, the Lakers might as well replace him with a runway model who can't walk down a runway. Because at least a hot babe falling down is fun to watch.

Derek Fisher and Sasha Vujacic: At this point, I'm ready to write a stock paragraph about these two guys and just auto-insert it into every Lakers-related WotN for the rest of the playoffs. They are officially the worst duo since Coy and Vance Duke. Last night, they combined for 11 points on 11 shots, 1 assist and 2 turnovers in 39 combined minutes of oncourt poopery. There's not much else to be said about these guys that won't make me throw up in my own mouth, so let's just move on to someone who hasn't made a recent appearance in the Worst Ofs...

Lamar Odom: I feel like I'm actually being pretty generous when I say that Lamar is having a subpar series (7.5 PPG, 34 percent shooting, 8 RPG, 2 APG), and last night was his subpariest yet. While he WAS one of only two Lakers to grab more than 7 rebounds (Gasol being the other with 10), Odom needs to contribute a hell of a lot more than just 8 boards if he's only gonna score 5 points on 1-for-8 shooting while committing 5 fouls and turning the ball over 3 times. Missing half his free throw attempts didn't help either. Which reminds me...

The Lakers' free throw shooting: This definitely could have been mentioned after the last game when they missed 14 gimmies, but after last night's 11 misses (in 35 tries), the Lakers have now bonked 33 foul shots in the last three games. In case you don't have an advanced degree in numeromatics, that's an average of 11 misses per game. Did someone expose the Lakers to an open vial of undiluted Shaqnopsis or something?

Dahntay Jones: He swept the leg, just like a good little Cobra Kai should. John Creese would be proud.


J.R. Smith: Dude was celebrating so hard last night you'd think he just got named Super Captain of Giant Awesome or something. Memo to J.R.: You didn't WIN the series, you only TIED it. Calm down. Buck Nasty said: "Yes, you made a three J.R. That is no reason to pretend that you are a three-point shooting chicken, who is also retarded."


More from Stephanie G: "Last night J.R. Smith was extremely animated, mugging and shimmying all over the place. Is this a proper all-time ranking of celebratory moves do you think or am I being too premature?"

1. Antoine shimmy

2. Cassell huevos juggling

3. Mario Ellie kiss of death

4. Reggie Miller choke

5. Shaq arm waving/pointing/looking at his off hand like it's talking to him

6. DeShawn Stevenson "can’t feel my face" / throat slit

7. And now, the JR Smith shimmy

That's a good list, but you forgot a couple. There was the Mark Jackson shimmy, the Larry Johnson arm bar, Dikembe Mutumbo's finger wag, the jersey pop (by many players, notably Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant), and of course the Kobe-trying-to-imitate-Jordan-and-falling-on-his-ass-and-rolling-over.

Memorial Day lacktion report: Chris trudges on, bringing us lacktion the way we like it: Very hot, and awfully wet. "Josh Powell bricked once in 2:43 for a +1 suck differential, a mark matched by DJ Mbenga in a mere 1:01. For George Karl's Nuggets, Johan Petro and Jason Hart resumed their familiar roles as human victory cigars, with Petro running out of gas during a shot for a +1 in 1:01, and Jason Hart stomping out a Koopa shell in the midst of a 37 second Mario."

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Derek Fisher, Los Angeles Lakers, Sasha Vujacic, Worst of the Night

LeBron sure is excited about that all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp buffet...
Editor's note: This post contains 30 percent fewer fart and penis jokes. You know, in honor of the holiday. Also, Wild Yams continues to cover the Fakers.

Stan Van Gundy and Orlando's end-of-game defense (Game 2): Game 2 was almost a mirror image of Game 1, with the Crabs scurrying out to a huge first-half lead -- 23 points this time -- and the Magicians rat-a-tat-tatting their way back into it. (Is a great three-point shooting team EVER really out of the game?) Orlando cut the lead to 12 by halftime, to 6 by the end of the third quarter, and then tied the score (at 84-84) midway through the fourth. It was back-and-forth for the remainder of the quarter, and then Hedo Turkoglu nailed a three with about 48 ticks left to tie the score at 93-93.

Then there was a flat-out "I do NOT believe they just called that" moment as LeBron traveled en route to an apparent go-ahead layup...and the refs actually blew the whistle. (It was the correct call, so here's a wag of the finger to the Associated Press for saying it was "one of several calls that could have gone either way in a second half filled with whistles." Stating that a clear and obvious violation "could have gone either way" is sort of like suggesting that maybe it shouldn't have been called. Anyway...) After that, the Turkish Assassin hit another superclutch bucket to put the Magic up by 2 points with one second left. That's it. The Magic had to defend the ball for only one more second and they would have taken a 2-0 series lead back home for Game 3. But, well, you know...


Okay, sure, it's an amazing shot, particularly since King Crab isn't exactly an automatic basket from long distance. But there were so many things wrong with Orlando's defense on that play, even Joe Biden couldn't count them all. Here's Basketbawful reader J.R.'s take: "Great shot by LeBron. But it's hard to fathom the bawfulness of Orlando's one second of non-defense on that final play. Why in the world was Turkoglu guarding LeBron? Pietrus had been doing a good job on King James down the stretch, and last time I checked Turkoglu has never been confused with Bruce Bowen. But worst of all, they gave Mo Williams A FREE LOOK FOR THE INBOUNDS PASS as Rashard Lewis just stood five feet away guarding nobody. Too bad there haven't been any recent examples of tall defenders bothering short inbounds passers in endgame situations..."
I'm guessing that he reason Van Gundy put Hedo on LeBron was because of his length, which, in theory, would make him tougher to shoot over. And yet, here's a quick quiz: Didn't the Magic sign Pietrus last July because he's supposedly a lockdown defender? Quick answer: Yes. But that said, I was troubled more by the fact that the Magic essentially conceded an inbounds pass to the league's MVP. I will never understand why so often the guy guarding the inbounds pass doesn't do anything. I mean, seriously. There are two options: Either get right up on the guy passing the ball so he can't get the angle he wants or double on the opposing team's biggest threat. Lewis didn't do either. He just stood their. Honestly, it was the worst ending I've seen since the Walker Texas Ranger movie.


Van Gundy screwed up big time...and he knows it. "I'd like to have that last one back from a coaching standpoint. I should have defended it differently. It's crushing enough to lose as a coach, but when you feel like you're the guy who could've made the difference, it hurts a lot more. I just want to win and we should have won." Note that if the Magic go on to lose this series, that one second of lousy defense will probably be the reason why.

Dwight Howard (Game 2): He had a MAN-type rebounding game (18), but he scored only 10 points (3-for-8) and had more blocks against (3) than blocks (2). I've got to tell you, Dwight's offense in these playoffs has gone a long way in explaining why Shaq gets pissed every time somebody compares him to Howard.

Friday lacktivity report: From Chris: "Tony Battie continues his playoff lacktivity with a 3.8 trillion, while preemptive human victory cigars Daniel Gibson and Tarence Kinsey each crawled onto the Power Pad for a sixteen-second dash as Mario Brothers, motivating King Crab to rescue the crustaceans at the last minute!"


The Denver Nuggets: Fresh off stealing home court advantage from the Lakers in Game 2, the Nuggets decided to give the Lakers a "welcome to Denver" present by giving it right back to them in Game 3. The good news for the Nuggets is that even though they don't have HCA anymore, the road team is now 2-1 in this series, so maybe they can pick it back up when they go to L.A. for Game 5. The bad news for Denver (and for anyone who's an NBA fan) is that the refs probably played too big a role in this game; whether it was because they were just worried things would get out of hand, or whether they thought the Lakers were due up for some good ol' road cookin'. Either way, the Lakers enjoyed a 45-31 free throw edge (not that they took advantage of it, since they missed 14 of those tries), and Chauncey Billups was the only Denver starter who didn't pick up at least 5 fouls (two starters, Kenyon Martin and Carmelo Anthony, fouled out). Maybe the fact that the road team has had more free throw attempts in every game in this series is why they have won 2 of 3. I'm just sayin'.

The officials aside, the Nuggets had every chance to win this game anyway, and just like in Game 1, they pissed those chances away. To start with, Denver was out there shooting so many bad threes that you almost thought Antoine Walker and Jason Williams were playing for them. JR Smith, Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups combined to go 5-24 from three, and you don't need John Hollinger's calculator to tell you that's bad. Anthony Carter and Linas Kleiza (unable to recreate his Game 2 performance) also poured in three misses, to give Denver a 5-27 performance from distance on the night. On the bright side, at least the Birdman didn't attempt one.

Much like Game 1, the Lakers won this one on the back of Kobe Bryant, who spent so much time at the free throw line they should have just honorarily named it after him. Kobe found that with Melo saddled with foul trouble for much of the game he had a much easier time against the likes of JR Smith and Dahntay Jones (who also combined for 9 fouls). The Lakers also got great play from Trevor Ariza and Pau Gasol (with his series-high in points and his third double-double in all three games in the WCF), but they didn't get much help from anyone else. It was an odd game in that Denver had much more well-rounded contributions, but for the first time in the series lacked a real standout performance from anyone (other than maybe Chris Andersen), and it ultimately cost them the game and the series lead. Despite the good balance from Denver, not everyone played well, beginning with...

Kenyon Martin: K-Mart actually played a pretty good game at the defensive end of the floor, but on offense he was awful; and he finished the game off by doing an Anthony Carter impression that Nuggets fans could have done without. Martin was 3-10 for the game to finish with as many fouls as he had points (6). I'm sure Nuggets fans are wishing he'd fouled out sooner than he did though, since his play on an inbounds pass with the Nuggets down 2 with 37 seconds to go, pretty much cost Denver the game. Keep in mind that preceding this play the Nuggets had called a timeout and drawn up a play, but K-Mart was unable to find anyone to pass it to so they had to call a second timeout to avoid getting a five second call. So here you go, after not one but two timeouts, here is what Neck Lips did with the game on the line:


If just turning it over and giving the Lakers free throws wasn't bad enough (actually it could have been a clear path foul after all, since it looked Melo might not have grabbed Ariza till he was across half court), it forced Melo to use his 6th foul to prevent the layup, taking away the Nuggets best and most clutch player for the end of the game. K-Mart then fouled out himself 14 seconds later for intentionally fouling Kobe after the game was effectively over. At least K-Mart was able earlier in the half to bait Derek Fisher into a technical foul by shoving him in front of the referee.

JR Smith: I understand that the Nuggets really need Smith to get going in this series if they want to give themselves a chance to win, but lately Smith has been looking about as useless on the court as Sasha Vujacic; and like The Machine, Smith just kept firing in Game 3 even though they weren't falling for him. 2-10 from three point range and only 4-15 overall is not what his team needs (it also doesn't help when one of his threes has a point given back due to Smith getting T'd up for taunting afterward). With his shot not falling he should focus more on defense, but helping to allow Kobe Bryant to get 41 points shows poor play at both ends of the floor. The worst thing about the 15 shots Smith took is that you can't help but feel they may have come at the expense of someone else on the team getting touches, namely...

Carmelo Anthony: His streak of 30-pt games was halted at 5 after he only had 21 points in Game 3, and that was largely due to the fact that he only got 13 shots for the game. Even worse for the Nuggets is that 14 of Melo's 21 points came in the 1st quarter, which meant he was largely invisible for the rest of the game. There's no denying that Melo definitely stepped up huge in both games in LA, to the point where he'd started to enter the whole LeBron-Kobe-Wade discussion, but a game like this makes you remember why he's never been a part of that before now. The foul problems hurt, but the guy did still play 37 minutes for the game (second only to Chauncey Billups for the Nuggets). The bottom line is that he needs to get more shots, and his teammates need to make sure that happens.

The Lakers' point guards: I've been talking about it for a while, and I noticed that the TV crew made menion of this before Game 3, but it really is a risky thing to try to have a three man rotation at one spot at this time of the year, and you only need look at the production of the Lakers' point guards in this game to see why. Derek Fisher finished with 4 points in 26 minutes, Jordan Farmar finished with 2 points in 14 minutes and Shannon Brown finished with 2 points in 8 minutes, as the trio went a combined 4-12 for the game. They did contribute in other areas (Fisher had 3 steals, Farmar had 3 assists and Brown had a block), but in the Lakers offense they need these guys first and foremost to hit wide open shots, especially from downtown (where these guys were 0-4), and they just didn't do that.

Sasha Vujacic: Another game in which he had at least as many missed shots as points. I'm not sure what in his recent play made Phil Jackson decide he needed twice as many minutes in Game 3 as he got in Game 2, but maybe The Machine has some compromising photos of Big Chief Trianlge. Or maybe Phil is senile.

The soon-to-be classic "player with arms out complaining" stock photo.
The Cleveland Cavaliers (Game 3): Okay, what happened to the team that was steamrolling its way to the NBA Finals? Could it be that bullying lousy teams like the Pistons and Hawks made the Crabs look a helluva lot better than they actually are? I'll let you answer that question for yourself. (Here's a hint: Yes.) There's no big story here. Cleveland simply got outplayed...despite a few iffy calls that might've gone their way. (Like, for instance, that truly bawful call that fouled out Dwight Howard. If Superman had gotten any more ball on that play, we probably would have found out afterward that Dwight's hand WAS the ball.) The Craboliers got a near triple-double out of King Crab (41/7/9), but shot 37 percent as a team, missed 21 of their 26 three-point attempts and blew nine free throws. That's not how you win on the road in the NBA playoffs.

Even more damning is that this loss came in the face of constant foul trouble for Dwight (who played only 27 minutes), a gak-inspiring shooting performance by Turkoglu (1-for-11) and 12 bonked FTs by the Magic as a team. And oh sweet Lady Marmalade, what an ugly game this was: 86 free throws attempted, 58 personal fouls called, two technicals, and a flagrant. Oh, and about 726 player complaints to the officials. It was painful. I've have hangovers that were more enjoyable to sit through than that friggin' mess. Let's not forget, also, that the flagrant I mentioned resulted in blood, stitches and an ejection:


I guess that's what Mo gets for throwing the ball at Howard in Game 2...

LeBron James (Game 3): Yes, he was his team's main man last night, but he missed more field goals (17) than he made (11), went 1-for-8 from downtown (you gotta stop shooting them at some point, 'Bron) and bricked 6 free throws, including two in a row with under two minutes remaining and his team down 92-86. Must have been for that Game 2 game-winner...

Everybody on Cleveland who isn't LeBron James (Game 3): Remember all the hand-wringing that went on in Cleveland when Mo Williams wasn't named an All-Star on the first go-around last February? Well, the coaches were right the first time. And Mo sure didn't step up last night: 15 points on 16 shots, 3-for-10 from distance and a game-high 5 turnovers. Delonte West had more fouls (5) and TOs (4) than assists. Big Z went 3-for-10 from the field (including a trio of missed threes) before fouling out in 30 minutes. Sideshow Bob finished with more fouls (6) than points or rebounds (4 each). The bench shot 4-for-11 and finished with more fouls (10) than points (8). Is this REALLY the best team in the league?!

LeBron's amazing "block from behind" on Courtney Lee: NBA.com made this their block of the night:


I just want to remind everybody that when ANY part of the ball is over the cylinder on a shot attempt, touching it is a goal tend. But whatever. Orlando got the offensive board and Rafer Alston hit a jumper less than 10 seconds later. And Courtney Lee learned a valuable lesson: Dunk that ball home next time. And he did (welcome to the poster, 'Bron):


Random playoff thoughts: From Stephanie G:

1. The Cavs are playing like a team with Mo Williams as their second best player.

2. The highlight of the Birdman's twitter page: "We're going nuggular at your jugular."

3. Game 3 of Cleveland-Orlando by the numbers: both teams combined for 98 FGA, 43 3PA and 86 FTs. How is that even possible? That's an abomination. The most pathetic fact is that LeBron had by far his worst shooting performance of the entire playoffs (11-28, 39%) but that was still somehow better than the rest of his team put together (18/50, 36%).

4. The refs in the whole playoffs but particularly in the Cleveland/Orlando series have been god awful. Can I get an amen? How can the NBA look at this and say yeah, this is an acceptable product, let's not try to change anything next year? Games nowadays seem to mostly consist of players complaining to the refs all night, making pained faces, and flopping trying to bait calls, like a game within a game. And then pretty much every game thread on the two forums I visit are composed of people legitimately bitching about the refs anyway. It doesn't help that it seems most of the refs are in their 70s and that LeBron is approaching Wade 2006 "I can do whatever I want and it's a foul on you" mode.

5. Orlando is probably the hardest team to rig against, from a conspiracy nut viewpoint -- they just keep draining threes, which forces the refs to make more absurd calls. Even all those phantom fouls against Dwight weren't enough in the end.

6. Tell me I'm not the only one rooting for an Orlando-Denver finals out of spite for this whole contrived LeBron/Kobe propaganda campaign. I want to see vitamin water execs and the smug talking heads on ESPN jumping out of windows.

Sunday lacktivity report: From Chris: "As Orlando held home court for Game 3, the same folks as the last battle snapped into lacktion, with a new face joining the fray. Tony Battie followed up his wealth-seeking expedition with a 58-second quest through the Mushroom Kingdom for a one-foul/+1 suck differential Mario, also counting as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Also exploring the realm of Giant Land was Tarence Kinsey, who made one giant crawl towards lacktion immortality with what appears to be a one-foul/+1 SUPER MARIO GALAXY of less than a second!!!!!! Daniel Gibson once again continues to avoid contribution, this time clawing out a brick from downtown for a +1 in 2:56. And Anthony Johnson spent a full 6:16 lacking it up with four bricks (twice from the charity stripe) and two fouls for a +6."

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Lakers, oh my god the officiating is terrible, Orlando Magic

I never knew marshmallows could cry...
The Los Angeles Lakers: See if this sounds familiar -- one team comes roaring out to start the game, goes up by double figures, looks to have the other team on the ropes, only to have the other team come all the way back right before the half to turn it into a game. Then, in the second half, it's back and forth most of the way, with the team that had the early lead up for most of it, only to get outplayed down the stretch and lose by one basket.

If it sounds familiar it's because the same thing that happened in Game 1 repeated itself last night in Game 2, only the teams were reversed, as were the results. Last night the Lakers came out like they wanted to show people the team that everyone expected when the playoffs started was finally here and playing the way they were capable of...and that all the issues with a lack of effort or focus were firmly in their rearview mirror. [Edit: Warning! Assholes in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear! - Ace Ventura] But after taking a 14-point first-half lead, they seemed to quickly lose their effort and their focus -- AGAIN -- and suddenly their halftime lead was only one point. The Lakers started the second half with energy and intensity, but by that time it was too late, because the Nuggets had been brought to life like the Bride of Re-Animator...and yes, this analogy is an indirect reference to Kenyon Martin's horrific tattoos.

The mirror image similarities between Games 1 and 2 are almost eerie. Each team's stars had almost the same performance that the other had in the previous game, with Kobe outscoring Carmelo by one in Game 1 by shooting 13-for-28 while Carmelo shot 14-for-20; and then with Carmelo outscoring Kobe by two in Game 2 by shooting 12-for-29 while Kobe shot 10-for-20. In Game 1 the Lakers' starting center, Andrew Bynum had only 6 points, while in Game 2 Denver's starting center, Nene, had only 6 points. The assists, steals, blocks and fouls for both teams were almost the same as each other in each game, and from one game to the next. The Nuggets shot better from the field in Game 1 and lost, while the Lakers shot better from the field in Game 2 and lost. In Game 1 one thing the Nuggets could really point to to explain the loss was the dozen free throws they missed; and it was the same for the Lakers in Game 2, as they missed 5 free throws in the 4th period while Denver overcame some early FT misses to hit 17 straight (and 18 of their last 19). In Game 1 the Lakers won 105-103, in Game 2 the Nuggets won 106-103. Really, really odd how similar these two games were. And I mean odd kind of like how Jesus and Elvis were basically the same person.

The big difference in this game came down to rebounds. In Game 1 the Lakers held a 46-37 rebounding edge (17-7 offensive), but in Game 2 the Lakers only outrebounded Denver by one, 43-42, and were actually beaten on the offensive glass 14-13. Like Game 1, it was just a very hard-fought game by both teams that was won by an extremely narrow margin. But the Nuggets are now in control, having gotten the split they wanted when they came to L.A. to start this series, and with the way they've played at home in these playoffs, we could very well be looking at a 3-1 lead when the series rotates back to LA for Game 5 next week. [Edit: Somewhere AK Dave is laughing and dusting off his "2009 Nuggets = 2004 Pistons" theory. I have to say, after two games, that theory seems less crazy. Well, slightly. -Basketbawful]

Derek Fisher: After hitting the three-pointer in Game 1 that put the Lakers ahead for good, Fisher came out and stunk up the joint in Game 2, going 1-for-9 for 3 points to go along with 2 turnovers and 5 fouls. At the other end, he was part of the group of players that was guarding Chauncey Billups, as Mr. Big Shot went off for 24 points in the last 25 minutes of the game. He wasn't the Lakers' worst guard though...

Sasha Vujacic: Fresh off being publicly outed by his teammates as being "annoying", the Machine gave his team another reason to be irritated with him last night by going 0-for-4 in 6 minutes of playing time. How has this guy not yet figured out that he's ice-cold this year? [Edit: Does everyone realize that Sasha signed a new contract with L.A. last summer? I have three words for you: Contract Year Phenomenon. I'm just sayin'. -Basketbawful] It seems like no matter how many games go by in which he bricks everything imaginable, he still comes out firing away as soon as he's inserted into a game. I know a shooter is supposed to shoot through a slump, but this is getting ridiculous. Maybe the question is why is Phil Jackson even playing him at this point? Speaking of which...

Phil Jackson: Andrew Bynum looked to be having one of those moderately decent games he has every third or fourth game (9 points on 4-for-8 shooting in the first half), but apparently Phil decided to pull the plug on Big Bynum before he had a chance to regress by playing him for only four minutes in the second half. It should be pointed out that when Bynum went out with just under three minutes left in the second quarter the Lakers were up by 13...but then finished the half only up 1. Maybe it's just me, but it seems odd that Phil decided that Luke Walton should get more playing time last night than Bynum. Which reminds me...

Luke Walton: Good thing for Denver that Phil decided to go with Luke instead of Bynum in the second half, as the Son of Walton not only poured in 2 measly points to go with 2 turnovers and 2 fouls, but he also got lit up by Linas Kleiza, who scored 16 points and grabbed 8 rebounds off Denver's bench. [Edit: For the record, I checked Kleiza's game log, and there were only six games during the season in which he had 8 or more rebounds. And he's only averaging 2.9 RPG in the playoffs this year. All of which makes the Lakers' inability to keep Linas off the glass a little more pathetic, don't you think? - Basketbawful]

Dahntay Jones: While he did double his scoring output from Game 1 (scoring two points this time instead of one), he deserves a mention here for picking up four personal fouls in the first quarter. [Edit: According to the play-by-play, he committed those four fouls in the first five minutes and 49 seconds of the game...during which time he also missed two layups. But it gets worse: Dahntay picked up his first foul with 7:46 left in the quarter, and his fourth foul came at the 6:11 mark. This means that he picked up all those fouls in a minute and 35 seconds. Uh...wow? -Basketbawful]

I don't think I've ever seen a player do that before. I mean, yes, players have fouled out super fast before (they mentioned last night that Travis Knight did it in 6 minutes once); but I can't say I've ever seen a player pick up that many fouls in the first quarter, if for no other reason than a coach will almost always take a player out after two fouls in the first quarter, let alone three. To Jones' credit, he didn't foul out, but in the process of avoiding his sixth foul he probably ended up on a Trevor Ariza poster.

Kobe Bryant: Basketbawful reader Justin B. sent the link to this video of Chauncey Billups inbounding the ball off Kobe's back for a layup. Inbounding off the Mamba seems to be the hot new trend.


Officiating: Let's face it...it wasn't so good. But Dick Bavetta was the lead ref, you know? That's like letting Charles Manson watch your human ear collection. It's not going to end well.

Jeff Van Gundy: Kobe Bryant is the greatest Laker of all time? Really?! Uh, Jeff, Bill Walton called. He said that was the worst attribution in the history of human civilization.

The plus-minus stat: From Buck Nasty: "Trevor Ariza had the worst plus-minus on his team (-11) while going 6-for-7 from the field and 6-for-8 from the line for 20 points in 33 minutes (though he did turn the ball over in some terrible situations). By comparison, Shannon Brown played 17 minutes, went 3-for-8 on FGs and 1-for-2 from the line, but still had a better plus-minus. Thanks for plus-minus, stat-geeks. It's clearly the best way to tell how well a player played. And yes I know it's net points or whatever, but....eh screw it, it's just dumb."

Val Kilmer: He was in L.A. for the game last night...


...and it appears his transformation into Meat Loaf is officially complete. To make things even worse for the former second-worst (to George Clooney) Batman of all time, his Top Gun co-star was also on hand and looking as good as ever. You know, if you like insane, midget pretty boys.

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, no really Jesus and Elvis were the same person, Worst of the Night

Could this picture be any more perfect?
The Cleveland Cavaliers: Whoooooops. So much for the Cleveland Playoff Steamer. Some people may be blaming the extended layoff -- the Cavaliers hadn't played a game since eliminating the Hawks on May 11 -- but rust usually manifests itself on offense, not defense. And make no mistake: Defense is what cost Cleveland the game. According to John Hollinger's team stats, the Cavs have been BY FAR the best defensive team in the 2009 NBA Playoffs, giving up only 90.8 points per 100 possessions. By contract, Orlando is a distant second at 98.7. But the Magicians apparated into "The Metropolis of the Western Reserve" and made Clevelan's "D" disappear. Orlando scored 107 points on 55 percent from the field -- including 59 percent in the second half -- and 45 percent (9-for-20) from beyond the arc. A pessimist might say "The Magic played at their absolute best and barely won"...but the only important part of that sentence is the "won" part.

What makes the defeat even more painful for the Cavs is that it was one of those heartbreaking come-from-ahead losses. Cleveland was up by 14 after one quarter (33-19) and 15 at the half (63-48). But instead of cruising in for an easy blowout win, they forgot the whole "hand in the face" thing and got outscored 30-19 in the third period...and then it was a dogfight. And mind you, this was all despite a uber-game from LeBron (49 points, 20-for-30, 6 rebounds, 8 assists). Of course, Dwight Howard (30 points, 14-for-20, 13 rebounds) kind of countered 'Bron Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus-sytle:


But in all seriousness, the Cavs just got too happy with themselves after their dominating first half, particularly after this:


But from that point forward, there was waaaaaay too much standing around and watching...

LeBron James: From Stephanie G: "On the one hand LeBron's team mates looked lethargic and useless. But what are they supposed to do when LeBron has the ball for 20 seconds each possession? Or am I hating?" You are not hating. As an anonymous commenter noted: "Kenny Smith called LeBron a 'copycat killer,' i.e., that with Kobe and 'Melo getting huge numbers, LeBron would have to get his. Spot on. But I think that may have hurt the Cavs. I thought LeBron had figured out something by watching Kobe over the years: On average, big numbers from the star can make it LESS likely for your team to win. Not always, of course, but I think it may have this time."

Yup. And don't forget how King Crab missed four of his 10 free throw attempts, including a huge bonk with 1:39 left in the fourth quarter. Pretty big miss in a one-point loss, especially from Mr. Superclutch MVP.

Update! In the interest of fair and equal representation, NarSARSsist chimed in on this subject:

I have to disagree with anonymous about LeBron only trying to score because 'Melo and Kobe did it too. In his defense, his teammates were kinda cold.

He had four early assists seven minutes into the game. If he was looking to score, starting early when they were in no danger seems to be a good way to go.

It's not like he was mediocre but shooting in volume, 20/30 was the second best shooting percentage on his team, with the first being Varejao, who almost exclusively shot layups (4 of his 6 makes came off of LeBron feeds).

Though I have to say, Williams, West, and Big Z had some pretty questionable shot selection. I can't recall what the circumstances were, but looking at the shot chart, most of their misses came from areas where they are below their own averages in shooting (the two guards shooting a bunch of <45 degrees 3 pointers and around the free throw line area, and big Z shooting 20+ footers from everywhere except the top of the key). That could easy alter LeBron's assist numbers (which was already at 8 anyway).

Big numbers coming from a star equating to less of a chance for you to win isn't really that causal when the star is shooting well. They generally come from the opposing team trying to shut down everyone else and forcing one guy to try and beat them (Pistons not doubling Shaq in 2004), or the star being forced to rise to the occasion when their teammates weren't shooting well.

I sorta gag at the media's mancrush with LeBron, and I look forward to instances where Lebron shows some kinks in the armor. Still have to be objective about it though, and this was not one of them.

Anderson Varejao: Dotted by the game-winner. I'm just sayin'.


Ben Wallace: There was a time that the presence of Ben Wallace would have meant holy terror for Dwight Howard. Sadly, that time was around 2004. Last night, the 15 Million Dollar Man logged just under 10 minutes and finished with 2 boards, 1 foul and a plus-minus score of -14...easily the worst of the night. (Joe Beast was second-worst at -8).

Delonte West: From Basketbawful reader zzz: "Anybody see Delonte West's 'semi-worst-possession-ever'? Dribbling, nearly turning it over against Anthony Johnson, dribbling again, nearly getting pilfered by no-neck again, and ending the whole mess by launching a sitting three-pointer at the buzzer, which fails to touch the rim." Yep, yep, yep. A special Basketbawful Medal of Valor to anybody who can find me video of that black eye to the sport.

Chris's very brief lacktion report: Daniel Gibson clawed his way to a 3.25 trillion payday at the Q.

Dirk Nowitzki: Wow. Turns out his ladybeast is preggers. With Dirk's baby. And check this out:

The woman arrested at Dirk Nowitzki's house on May 6 says she is pregnant with the child of the Dallas Mavericks' star and that they had been engaged.

Cristal Taylor spoke to The Dallas Morning News from jail in Beaumont, Texas.

"I've known Dirk for seven years -- and, no, I didn't tell him everything about my past because I was afraid," Taylor said, according to the newspaper. "But I mean, now I'm pregnant and alone and broke because he is my only source of income."

Taylor said that Nowitzki has not contacted her and likely does not know that she is pregnant. She said that she didn't know before she was arrested.

"I didn't even know," she said, according to the newspaper. "Nobody knew until they tested me in Dallas."

Taylor said that she was tested at the Dallas County Jail where she was held for one week before a transfer to Beaumont.

"They give you a urine test when you walk in and they give you a T.B. test," she said. "And the lady was like, 'Oh, so when are you due?' I was like, 'I don't know when the court date is due.' She was like, 'Uh, no, you're pregnant.'

"That was at intake. When I went upstairs, she said, 'I'm going to start you on these prenatal vitamins.' I was like, 'If you could just test me one more time, I just want to make sure.'"

A second test also came back positive, Taylor said.

As AnacondaHL said: "This is too beautiful. Like life unfolding like a perfect movie. A blooming blossom of shadenfreude. On a brighter note, you all realize how much ass this will get Dirk, right?" I do NOT want to know how that ass tastes. [shudders]

Labels: choking on Crabs, Cleveland Cavaliers, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

The Denver Nuggets: Basketbawful reader AK Dave has been saying for a while that these Nuggets reminded him of the 2004 Detroit Pistons, while I have contended that, other than Chauncey Billups, there are few similarities...beginning with the fact that this Denver team has no Tayshaun Prince-like player to put on Kobe for defensive purposes. And boy was that ever the case last night. Denver squandered a golden opportunity to steal Game 1 in L.A. despite leading for most of the game, having a large edge in free throw attempts (gotta love road cookin'), and Carmelo Anthony going nova for 39 points on only 20 shots. And it was mainly due to the fact that nobody on Denver could slow down Kobe Bryant. Without Shane Battier or Ron Artest (or even Andrei Kirlienko and Ronnie Brewer) to semi-contain him, Kobe looked like a guy who'd just been released from prison, scoring 40 points on 28 shots to go with 4 assists and 6 rebounds. Kobe also did it at the defensive end, as he helped hold Denver's shooting guard duo of Dahntay Jones and JR Smith to only 9 combined points. [Edit: You can also credit Jerry West for hyping Kobe up with all that "LeBron has surpassed him" talk. -Basketbawful]

To be fair to AK Dave, I'd told him that I thought the Lakers' size was going to bother Denver, but Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum only combined for 26 total points, while Nene, Neck Lips and the Birdman combined for 37 points. The Lakers' size did help with blocked shots and rebounds, however, as the Lakers outboarded Denver 46-37 and blocked 9 shots to Denver's 8. [Edit: Don't forget about the 17-7 edge on the offensive glass. -Basketbawful] But make no mistake, this is a game the Nuggets should have won, and really needed to win, since you don't know if they're going to get another opportunity like this on the road in this series. On one hand the Nuggets probably shouldn't expect Kobe to get 40 again (it was only the ninth time he'd done so in the postseason). On the other hand, him taking 28 shots and scoring upwards of 30 seems to be de rigeur for him in these playoffs; while the relative no-show by the rest of his team is not.

Here's a little bonus discussion of who to blame for last night's loss, courtesy of some bad animation:


Denver's bench: One of Denver's strengths is that it's supposed to have a fair amount of depth, but that depth certainly wasn't on display last night, as the Nuggets' bench was outscored by L.A.'s subs 27-16...and that was with Lamar Odom being the only Laker sub to score more than 5 points (and even Odom only had 7). Denver got zero points from Linas Kleiza and Anthony Carter, and when your team only goes nine deep and one of the starters finishes with only 1 point, you can't have two of the four subs get goose eggs. Not if you want to win. It also doesn't help if your backup PG has his inbounds pass stolen when the team is down two points with only 30 seconds to go.

JR Smith: It could almost be said that as goes Smith in these playoffs, so go the Nuggets, as Smith had scored 18 or more points in 5 of the 10 games Denver had played in the playoffs this year prior to last night's game, and he'd only scored less than 14 twice. Well, whether the Lakers just had him scouted well and defended him great or whether he just picked the wrong time to forget what a basketball was, it all added up to the same. Smith notched his worst scoring output of the playoffs with only 8 points on 7 shots, to go with 3 turnovers and 5 fouls. When you add in his role in "defending" Kobe (see above), it was a pretty poor night all around for the Nuggets' 6th Man. Denver wasn't alone in having some players who played especially poor though...

Andrew Bynum: The man who was supposed to be The Difference Maker for this year's Laker team continued his march of futility throughout the playoffs, this time with 6 points, 6 boards and 5 fouls in only 16 minutes of daylight. Here's a tip, big guy: when you're fighting for playing time, the best thing you can do is not collect a foul every three minutes. It doesn't matter if you're Michael Jordan, if you rack up fouls like Greg Oden with a blindfold on, you just aren't gonna be on the court for very long. I'm just sayin'.

Kobe Bryant: Kobe picked up another technical (his 5th of the playoffs -- two more and he'll get a one-game suspension) for slamming the ball off the floor and into the stands while complaining about a call he didn't get (replays showed the non-call was probably correct). Maybe he figured slamming the ball was less offensive than hiking his shorts up to his armpits. Who knows. [Edit: And seriously, I'm sick of Kobe reacting as shown below after EVERY call. -Basketbawful]


Blake Griffin: The Other L.A. Team won the NBA Draft Lottery last night, which means that nobody had a worse night than presumed #1 pick in this year's draft: Blake Griffin. Sorry Blake, allow us here at Basketbawful to tell you that unfortunately everything you've heard about the Clippers is true. After all, they proved all year that they were who we thought they were; though apparently that paid off last night with the extra lottery balls that frequently bounce the way of the worst organization in pro sports. Said Griffin: "Maybe I can fill a gap that they've had or been missing." Well Blake, when it comes to gaps in the Clipper organization, this photo says it all:

Lacktion report: From Lacktivity King Christopher: "DJ Mbenga commenced the third round of the postseason by opening up a brand new copy of WiiFit and working out a grand total of 22 seconds for a mid-game Mario."

Labels: Chauncy Billups, Denver Nuggets, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers

As the self-appointed chronicler of the best of the worst of professional basketball, I would be doing you, the readers, a disservice if I failed to report on the dispute brewing between the National Basketball Association and World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. So sayeth the press:

Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers are scheduled to be at the Pepsi Center in Denver next Monday night.

Problem is, so are John Cena and a bunch of wrestlers -- and they called it first.

World Wrestling Entertainment said it is booked at the arena for an episode of Monday Night Raw, the same night the Nuggets are slated to host the Lakers in Game 4 of the Western Conference finals.

WWE chairman Vince McMahon told The Associated Press he doesn't believe there was "any malice, just ineptness," on the part of Kroenke Sports, which owns the team and the building, but can't tolerate the company "just simply throwing us out on our ear."

Without a quick resolution, McMahon plans to send his trucks to Denver.

"That's what we intend to do," he said. "We're going to show up."

WWE spokesman Robert Zimmerman said the organization secured the Pepsi Center last Aug. 15 and has already sold more than 10,000 tickets for the event. He says the organization expects a sellout, with tickets ranging from $20 to $70.

Naturally, the NBA is being its typically arrogant self:

"The Nuggets and the WWE understand that the date of Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals cannot be changed," NBA senior vice president Mike Bass said. "We are confident that the Pepsi Center and the WWE will resolve their scheduling conflict."

What a joke. There is nothing in the world of professional sports that "cannot be changed." (Seriously.) Which means the translation is: The NBA is more important, so the WWE has to surrender its legal rights to the arena...period. And make no mistake, the contractual ink has long since dried:

Zimmerman said the Pepsi Center confirmed in March with the WWE that the organization wanted to keep the May 25 date, and sent a contract on April 15 -- the final night of the regular season -- which WWE signed and returned. Tickets went on sale April 11.

It appears that since the NBA is playing hardball, McMahon (surprise!) is prepared to play it right back. Here's an article from the official WWE Web site:

World Wrestling Entertainment’s live, internationally televised broadcast, WWE Monday Night Raw (USA Network, 9:00 PM ET) to take place at the Pepsi Center in Denver next Monday, May 25 is in jeopardy of being cancelled by the Denver Nuggets. WWE and the Denver Nuggets are currently at an impasse in resolving a scheduling debacle by the team and the Pepsi Center. A sell-out crowd is expected to attend the WWE show at the same time the Denver Nuggets are slated to square off against the Los Angeles Lakers for Game 4 of the NBA Western Conference Finals. WWE has held the May 25 date with the Pepsi Center since Aug. 15, 2008.

"Even though the Denver Nuggets had a strong team this year and were projected to make the playoffs, obviously Nuggets and Pepsi Center owner Stan Kroenke did not have enough faith in his own team to hold the May 25 date for a potential playoff game," said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon.

And here's some added info from Basketbawful reader Karc:

More fuel from McMahon. On ESPNews, he was interviewed by one of his former employees, Jonathon Coachman (which I can almost bet ESPN did intentionally to try to unravel McMahon), about the situation. He pretty much buried the Pepsi Center management for having no faith in the Denver Nuggets again, but this time, he offered the owner of the Nuggets a Kobe Byrant Laker jersey (as if the folks in Colorado weren't angry enough), claiming that he must not be much of a fan of his own team. I guess he thinks he can channel Mark Cuban by trying to get into the heads of the Nuggets.

Notable quotes: "He (Stan Kroenke, the owner) should be arrested for impersonating a good business man." This coming from a guy who made one his wrestlers literally kiss his ass on live TV.

And yes, Vince made the steel cage challenge to Stan. ESPN should pay WWE 10 percent of the ad revenue for this series and that match. I promise I'll try to objectively look at this tomorrow, because I cannot stop laughing right now.

I'm not really sure how the legalities work in a situation like this. To me, it seems pretty clear-cut: The WWE has a contract to use the Pepsi Center for the night in question. And yet McMahon actually sounded somewhat defeated when he said: "When you do have a date, you plan everything around it...we may be holding an event in a parking lot somewhere." Does the NBA really have the right to boot the WWE out of the building?

Labels: professional wrestling, shit I cannot believe is happening, Vince McMahon, WWE

Basketbawful reader Dave R. sent in this steamy pic of Boston's Stephon Marbury and Eddie House, um, celebrating a successful play during Game 5 of the Magic-Celtics series...while Big Baby provides the obligatory high five/fist bump.


Note Eddie's ecstasy and Hedo Turkoglu's agony. Poor Hedo must have felt left out. No matter. Based on this pic sent in by Dan B., Hedo got his -- and then some -- in Game 6. And based on his "That ain't right!" expression, Rashard Lewis apparently didn't appreciate it.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Eddie House, fan submissions, Hedo Turkoglu, man love, Orlando Magic, Rashard Lewis, Stephon Marbury

The Boston Celtics: The defending champs are now officially the dethroned champs. The Celtics didn't have it on offense (39 percent shooting), and they didn't have it on defense either (the Magic hit 51 percent from the field and nearly 62 percent from beyond the arc). The end result was 101-82 home loss in a do-or-die (in this case die) Game 7. And it all came down to this:


Seriously, a car will run on fumes for only so long. And make no mistake: Boston's Mach 5 wasn't just out of gas, the engine (Kevin Garnett) was shot and it was being held together by duct tape (an exhausted Paul Pierce), chicken wire (a flat-footed Ray Allen) and chewing gum (a no-tricks-left Rajon Rondo). Oh, and whereas last year they had a couple of quality spare tires (James Posey and P.J. Brown), this year they had a leaky donut (Stephon Marbury) and a useless block of wood (Mikki Moore). And in the end, they fell apart kind of like the Bluesmobile at the end of "The Blues Brothers."


Last-second shots and fourth quarter heroics are what make the headlines, but teams usually win or lose based on what happens during the game as opposed to what happens at the end. The fact that the Celtics couldn't finish around the basket was a sure sign that the team was wobbling toward an ugly end. Boston missed 17 of the 24 layups they attempted. Kendrick Perkins was 1-for-8 at the rim (and four of those were stuffed). Paul Pierce was 1-for-5. Ray Allen was 1-for-3. Rajon Rondo was 0-for-3. That's 3-for-19 (15 percent) on LAYUPS from your four best players...which is a pretty clear-cut sign of team with dead legs.

That's not to take anything away from Orlando's defense. Dwight Howard blocked five shots and intimidated several others. But the Magicians' interior D certainly benefitted from going up against a team that really didn't have anything left to give. (Other than a bunch of pained and sour looks from the bench during garbage time.)

Paul Pierce: Hey, I know that Pierce has been logging heavy-duty minutes for the past few months. And for the most part, he's done an admirable job of picking up the slack in KG's absence. But his final line -- 16 points (4-for-13), 2 rebounds, 3 assists -- in an elimination game at home doesn't really jibe with all that "I'm the best player in the world" noise he was making after the Celtics won the title last season. I'm just sayin'.

The Boston bench: Holy shnikes, where are Greg Kite, Jerry Sichting and Sam Vincent when you need them? The only three pine riders who got significant PT for the C's were Brian Scalabrine, Eddie House and Stephon Marbury. Think about that. Those dudes were the best the Celtics' bench had to offer. [shudders] No wonder they lost by 19. They probably should have lost by 30. That trio combined for 8 points on 3-for-12 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 turnovers and 6 fouls. About the only thing you can say in these guys' favor is they didn't set the locker room on fire. So they have that going for them...which is nice.

Stephon Marbury: The numbers (4 points, 1-for-4, 1 assist, 3 turnovers) don't really get across how incredibly catastrophic his 13 minutes and 46 seconds of playing time really was. It was almost like he was intentionally sabotaging the team, which would be crazy, even for Starbury. If there was any question about whether Stephon was going to be back in Celtic green next season, this game answered it.


Danny Ainge: Way to restock the shelves there, Danny. From letting James Posey walk over one year and about $5 million to jumping all over the Mikki Moore signing instead of patiently waiting for Joe Smith to get bought out, Ainge's every decision this season seemed to be the wrong one. And the end result sure makes some of his other master deals look like a lot of luck. (And a lot of Kevin McHale.)

Reggie Miller: As karl pointed out: "I swear to you, I just heard Reggie Miller say that Marcin Gortat (God Bless his little Polish heart) is just as athletic as Dwight Howard. Officially the worst announcer ever."

Ben Affleck: It's bad enough that his "Daredevil" movie nearly made me tear out my own eyeballs with a spork, but he has now succeeded in making poor Jennifer Garner look exceptionally average. Screw you, Ben.

I swear, Jennifer Garner used to be hot.
And now, from Wild Yams, our special Lakers correspondent:


The Houston Rockets: Per the request of my biggest fan, starang, I will attempt to make this entry in the Lakers-Rockets series more humorous than the last one (in case the Rockets' play yesterday wasn't funny enough). Houston must have thought that after winning Game 6 that they had won the championship, because they certainly didn't appear to realize that there were any more games left to be played this season. Or maybe Houston's team bus was stuck in traffic for a few hours, because it seemed like nobody showed up till they were down by 31 with about two minutes remaining in the game; and that my friends is waiting just a bit too long to start your comeback. Yes, if Houston hadn't scored the game's final dozen points, they might not have broken the 60 point mark (they only had 58 points with 2:15 remaining in the game, when Phil Jackson emptied his bench). There were so many Rocket failures during yesterday's game that I felt like I was watching a highlight reel from the early days of NASA.

The Rockets were embarrassed in all areas of the game yesterday, but the main things they did poorly were shoot and rebound, and those are fairly important parts of winning a basketball game. Houston only shot 36% from the field and only 25% from the 3-pt line, and they got murdered on the boards 55-33. When a team plays that poorly in those areas, well it's no surprise the Associated Press said: "This one was practically over before the fans settled into their seats." Scanning down the box score it's tough to find any Rockets players who played well, but it's pretty easy to find a couple who played exceptionally poorly, starting with...

Ron Artest: Crazy Pills started the game off with a pair of airballs, and it didn't get much prettier after that, as he finished with only 7 points on 10 shots (including 1-6 from 3-pt range). If his play on the floor wasn't enough by itself to earn him a mention here, then this postgame quote sure should be: "Obviously, the Lakers are more experienced than us, but I thought we were the better team." Too bad they didn't show even a hint of that in yesterday's game. Maybe he means they're a better team in some other sport, like dodgeball, for instance; cause they're clearly not a better basketball team.

Carl Landry: A guy who had stepped up all series long picked the worst time to pull a disappearing act, as he finished the day 2-10 for 4 points and only 2 rebounds. Even weirder, he decided to fire up two ill-advised 3-pt shots, which of course, both missed. He also was frequently on the wrong end of the Pau Gasol smackdown, which included 21 points and 18 rebounds. Fail.

Aaron Brooks: Despite being Houston's "high scorer" with only 13 points (which is pretty pathetic in and of itself), Brooks needed 13 shots to get to that total (hitting only 4), and he led the team in two other dubious stats: most turnovers (5) and worst +/- rating (-24). He also managed to piss off Isaac Hayes and get thrown out of his rib joint.

I'm not gonna be around today as I'm going to be traveling and won't be able to check the internets till tomorrow (much to my number one fan's chagrin, I'm sure), but for anyone who's looking ahead for a preview to the Western Conference Finals between Denver and LA, this kid's got you covered:


Kobe Bryant: Hey, does anybody know where I can get a picture of Mamba complaining about a foul by yanking his shorts all the way...oh, never mind. Got one!


And now it cannot be unseen.

Lacktion report: And now I give you Chris and his amazing lacktivity update. Remember: Small sips.

Rockets-Lakers: DJ Mbenga scratched out a singular brick for a celebratory +1 suck differential in 2:40.

Magic-Celtics: Tony Battie laid down one piece of masonry for a +1 in 3:05 to give Stan Van Gundy his tobacco fix for the series, while Gabe Pruitt missed from behind the arc for a +1 in 2:30. Fellow Celtic Bill Walker took home a pedestrian paycheck of 2.25 trillion, the second largest procurement of wealth in the second round.

Battie's appearance gave him his third straight lacktive game, and fourth in the series, with a total unproductive run of 13:46 -- still only good for second in the playoffs behind Daniel Gibson's single-game 14:06. (Add the 15-second Mario from the first round against the Sixers, and he STILL ends up 5 seconds behind the crustacean!)

Labels: Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Weekend

Note: Today's picture was pilfered from Ball Don't Lie. Also, Wild Yams continues to cover the Rockets-Lakers series.

The Boston Celtics: The Magic shot a miserable 36 percent from the field, connected on only six of their 26 three-point attempts and lost the rebounding battle 48-42. They even missed 14 free throws. So how in the name Courtney Love's cold sores did the Celtics manage to LOSE this one? Well, that story begins with the 22 turnovers they committed...which the Magicians added to a mix of sheep's testicles and gypsy tears and transformed into 26 points going the other way. Add in a little offensive ineptitude (only 29 second-half points) and some home cooking (Orlando missed more foul shots than Boston even attempted) and you have a sure-fire spell for Fail.

What's even worse is that early in the third quarter, it looked like the Celtics were going to run away with this one. They held the Magic scoreless for five-plus minutes to start the period and built a 10-point lead...before falling the hell apart. Sloppy ball handling, stupid fouls, terrible defense and questionable shot selection allowed Orlando to pull to within a point by the end of the third and wasted no time in regaining the lead in the fourth. Paul Pierce had a mini-hot streak to help the C's go up by one (73-72) with about four minutes to go...but they would score only two points the rest of the way before losing 83-75. Said Rajon Rondo: "I guess we just choked." I guess so.

Ray Allen: Okay. This situation has gotten so bad that Ray's slump is in a slump. The latest disaster was a 2-for-12 performance, which included seven misses in seven tries from downtown. Ray-Ray finished with as many fouls (5) and almost as many turnovers (4) as points (5). So his series numbers now stand at 30 percent from the field (23-for-75) and 13 percent from beyond the arc (5-for-36). It's like someone replaced his hands with five kielbasa sausages that are just strung together with twine and Elmer's glue. Memo to Ray: I suggest taking your jump shot out to an expensive dinner, buying it a $10 million diamond ring and then making sweet, sweet love to it...not for your pleasure, do it the way your jumper wants it done, you know, with lots of foreplay and stuff. If that doesn't work, then you're on your own.

Paul Pierce, Captain Obvious: "The offense definitely struggled."

Kendrick Perkins, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We felt like we beat ourselves tonight."

J.J. Redick: I guess J.J.'s got a case of whatever's wrong with Ray Allen. His 0-for-7 performance in Game 6 is clearly part of a larger and craptacular trend: He's 3-for-25 over the last four games, which includes 2-for-13 from downtown. I'm ready to nickname him "Mini-Ray."

Dwight Howard: I've seen a number of "Howard Was Right"-style headlines and comments throughout the media and blogosphere this morning, probably because of Dwight's Animal-Style domination of the Celtics last night (23 points, 22 rebounds). But make no mistake: His performance had nothing to do with Stan Van Gundy getting his star pouter player more touches. Rather, it had everything to do with Howard being more active and taking things into his own hands. And by "things" I mean offensive rebounds. As in 10 of 'em. And check it: Four of his nine made field goals came from tip-ins and putbacks, and all five free throws he converted (out of 12 attempts) came as a result of fouls after offensive rebounds. So 13 of his 23 points were a result of his board work, which supports the conclusion of Ben Q. Rock from the Third Quarter Collapse: Dwight best work -- and maybe his only good work -- comes off the offensive glass.

But hey, give Howard some credit where it's due. When asked if he'd learned anything after slamming his foot in his mouth, he said: "Biggest lesson? Keep my mouth shut." Good lesson.

Update! Here's some videographic evidence of what I'm talking about, courtesy of Seven Seconds or Mess (via TrueHoop):


Stan Van Gundy, subtle dig machine: We all know about how Howard called out his coach to the press after Orlando's Game 5 loss. Well, Stan the Man said that not only did Dwight's words fail to convince him to make a strategy change, he Van Gundy said he compared Howard's comments to an argument between himself and his wife. "When she gets on me for something, my first reaction is to blame someone else. To make an excuse. To do something else, because I don't like being criticized. And I think when Dwight gets into a game, his first thing is, 'I don't want the blame.' This is just my guess. But when you step back and look at it, I usually realize the person who's been on me has a point. And then it's time to step up and do the job." So in this analogy, Dwight is Stan's nagging wife and Stan is the wishy-washy husband who ultimately realizes things need to be done his way. Unless I'm reading this wrong...


The Los Angeles Lakers: Everyone reading this might not believe it, but it's after games like last night's that I'm glad to be able to write up how bad the Lakers played. The reason is because even though I'm a fan, I'm definitely not an apologist, and there is no excuse for the lack of effort the Lakers showed in Game 6. As I predicted (and Mr. Bawful can attest to this), after winning Game 5 by 40 points, the Lakers clearly figured the series was in the bag and came out as flat as can of soda that's been left open all week. Game 6 started out almost identical to the way Game 4 did, with Houston racing out to a 17-1 start which then became a 21-3 lead, before the Lakers eventually decided to make an appearance. The only difference between Games 4 & 6 was that in Game 4 the Lakers just packed it in after that horrid start, while in Game 6 the Lakers finally made an effort, though the hole they'd dug for themselves in the first 8 minutes proved too deep. Oddly enough, over the final 40 minutes of the game the Lakers outscored Houston, even cutting the deficit to two at one point, but anytime you spot the opponent an 18 point lead, you're just asking to lose.

But the Lakers' loss was equal parts stupidity as it was lack of effort (not to take anything away from Houston, by the way, as they played a hell of a game). The Lakers, sporting a massive size advantage against a Houston team that has been stripped of all its centers and who now feature no active players who are taller than 6'9, were absolutely crushed by Houston's undersized frontline. Rather than go inside to Gasol, Bynum and Odom (23 shots between the three of them), the Lakers fired away from 3-pt range with 23 attempts (hitting only 5 of them). The 23 3-pt attempts were the most the Lakers had attempted in this series, while the Lakers trio of big men (Gasol, Bynum & Odom) combined for only 22 total points. For comparison's sake, in Game 5 when the Lakers won by 40, they only attempted 13 3-pt shots, while the Laker big men combined for 40 points (despite playing relatively few minutes due to the blowout). As usual when the Lakers lose, most of the blame has to go to:

Kobe Bryant: Doing his best Ron Artest impression (or maybe Artest is just always doing a Kobe impression, who can say), Kobe decided to try to do it all by himself by taking 27 of the team's 84 shots. Unfortunately for the Lakers Kobe only hit 11 of those shots (1-5 from downtown), as the Rockets once again rather easily baited Kobe into taking one difficult shot after another, rather than just involve his teammates. Even Ron Artest only attempted 17 shots on the night (second for the game behind Kobe, yet still 10 fewer shots than Mr. Bryant had). One of the teammates Kobe did a poor job of getting involved was...

Andrew Bynum: After scoring more points in Game 5 than he had in Games 1-4 combined, Bynum returned to what has been his postseason form this year with yet another scoreless game, this time going 0-3 in 19 minutes of play. As I hinted at above, some of this is not really his fault, as a pivot like him relies on guards like Kobe to pass him the ball once in awhile; but the Lakers needed a lot more out of him than no points again, for the third time this series.

Derek Fisher: Fisher really stunk up the joint at both ends of the floor, yet again; this time letting his cover, Aaron Brooks, go off for 26 points on only 13 shots, while only pouring in two whole points himself (shooting 1-7 and 0-5 from downtown). Fisher also had only 1 assist, while racking up 1 turnover and 1 foul to boot. All around poor performance by "the crafty veteran." It should be noted that ever since Fisher's flagrant two foul on Luis Scola in Game 2, he's been a virtual no-show in this series, with three straight games of only 2 points, while shooting a combined 3-for-17 since then.

Like Walton: From Basketbawful reader RT: "Luke Walton, Colonel (Captain just isn't high enough) Obvious: 'If we can't win a Game 7 at home, then we are not a championship team.' Clap. Clap." Update! More from RT: "I found another gem from Luke Walton: 'We're all aware of the stakes, we all know that a loss on Sunday would be pretty much a failure of a season.' It's like a zebra, about to be chased by a lion, saying: 'I'm aware of the stakes, I know that a loss would be pretty much a failure at life.' I think Luke's been gorging himself on some of Bill's pot. Of gold."

Bonus Kobedickery: Basketbawful reader catfish asked: "Can somebody find a clip of when Kobe practically punched Gasol in the head after getting burned by Scola? They had a timeout, and Kobe went upside the big Spaniard's heads to make sure his point got across. It reminded me of one of Curt Schilling's blog posts from last year where he noticed the drastic difference between the bonds of the Boston Celtics and how everyone on the Lakers hated to be playing with Kobe. Is there any athlete that is more disliked by every single teammate hes ever had?" Not sure I'm qualified to answer that question (although the answer is "no"), but Dunpizzle provided a link to an animated gif of the moment.

Shane Battier, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader anne: "I think I'm in love with Shane Battier after this quote: 'Hey, we're part of the NBA, too,' Battier said. 'We've got the NBA logo socks to prove it.' I'm loving the fact that he was a smartass after the game. I mean, Ron Artest's general craziness and now this? The Rockets are making me swoon. If they take game 7, I may have to elope with this team. My word verification is challs. As in, the Rockets have the challs to beat the Lakers despite what Stern wants."

Ron Artest, crazy-ass quote machine: Basketbawful reader catfish provided this comedy gold from today's Daily Dime:

But if you think the Rockets are suddenly feeling the magnitude of the moment and are about to get crushed under the weight of playing a Game 7, just listen to this portion of Ron Artest's postgame interview.

"'Five Dollar Foot-long' is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the FreeCreditReport.com, and then 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on. When 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."

Anytime a key player has more to say about commercial jingles than adjustments, it's the sign of a loose team."

That or a burgeoning insanity. But I'll go ahead and let J.A. Adande stick with his "loose team" theory.

Lacktion report: Chris has officially provided the shortest lacktion report in lacktion report history: "Tony Battie tossed one brick for a suck differential of +1 in 3:26."

Charles Barkley: From You Been Blinded: "Charles Barkley said on TNT's Inside the NBA Wednesday night that the only things a woman could beat him at are cooking and cleaning. Show camerawoman Cibelle (sp.) challenged Charles to a push-up contest, and proved him wrong." Why, Charles? Why?


Update! Darius Miles: The cops pulled Darius over while he was cruising around in his tricked-out pimpmobile and -- SURPRISE! -- he was riding with Mary Jane. I know I always like to draw as much attention to myself as humanly possible when I'm breaking the law. It's like a supervillain who tattles on himself to the authorities in the form of crappy poetry.

Update! Death: The NBA lost one of it's all-time "great guys" today, as Wayman Tisdale passed away at 44 after a lengthy battle with cancer. I'm actually a little misty-eyed over this one, so I'll close this entry out with a quote from Oklahoma coach Jeff Capel: "He's one of the best human beings I've ever been around in my entire life. Anyone who's ever met him is hurting today because he made you feel special."

Another update! More tributing from BadDave, who was really moved by Wayman's passing:

Reflections of Wayman

As already noted by Bawful reader Axel Foley, Wayman Tisdale passed away today after a two-year struggle with cancer. You can find the story (provided by Axel F) here. He was a solid 15 PPG and 6 RPG player, and a moral inspiration to teammates.

Even a handicapped Wayman was an inspiration.
But take note, unlike so many players, Wayman was a complete person. He was a very accomplished musician; he played bass guitar and if you listen to his music at www.waymantisdale.com, you KNOW he got the sweet lovin as result from his smooth beats. He made eight albums -- that’s a pretty big deal. He has a great family consisting of his wife Regina, four kids, and a new granddaughter.


The man was also an out-and-out monster in college ball. He rocked it for the Oklahoma Sooners, holding both the scoring record with 2,661 points and the rebounding record with 1,048 rebounds. He was on the Pre-Dream Team in the Olympics in 1984, and he was also one of 10 three-time All-Americans: The others were Oscar Robertson, Bill Walton, Lew Alcindor, Pete Maravich, Patrick Ewing, Tom Gola, Jerry Lucas, David Thompson and Ralph Sampson (from ESPN).

But most of all, he was just one of those great guys that consistently did whatever his team needed in his role: defend, score, rebound, and hustle. Players like that have always been in short supply, which is why Basketbawful is in business, I guess. Our thoughts go out to his family, friends, and fans.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs shot 51 percent, compiled 23 assists on their 38 field goals (compared to only 13 turnovers) and were +7 in free throw attempts. Moreover, their star player, Dirk Nowitzki, had a big-time game (32 points, 9-for-17, 12-for-12 from the line, 10 rebounds, 7 assists) and they ended up with 110 points. Those numbers look great on paper, but Dallas lost by 14 and got eliminated from the playoffs 4-1 in a series that very well could have been a sweep.

So what happened? The better question would be what DIDN'T happen, to which I would reply: Defense. The Nuggets shot 64 percent in the first half and 58 percent for the game. They also won the rebounding battle 38-30 and were +3 on the offensive glass. Meanwhile, the Mavericks forced only 13 turnovers and blocked a mere two shots. Carmelo Anthony (30 points, 13-for-22), Chauncey Billups (28 points, 10-for-16, 7 rebounds, 12 assists) and Nene (17 points, 8-for-10, 7 boards) did pretty much whatever they wanted. For all we know, they also had a four-way with Dirk's monstrous ex-fiance/girlfriend/thing. (And, as Basketbawful reader dnach alerted me, they wouldn't be the only ones who have picked strawberries in that field...)

Dallas did put up a fight, though, and they were still within 6 points (103-97) with just under seven minutes to go before a crazy buzzer-beating three by Anthony and a foul shot by Billups (off a tech that was called on Antoine Wright) pushed the lead back to 10 and pretty much croaked the cowboys. Said Dirk: "That 'Melo three was a killer. We get the technical on top. Back to 10 points." I can only assume these simple words were punctuated by big, marshmallow-shaped tears. (Although, I've gotta give Dirk some props: He averaged 34 PPG in this series.)

So...now what? Dallas generally considered to be the hottest team in the league heading into the playoffs. Yet they were knocked out fairly casually by a Nuggets team that, while obviously pretty darn good, isn't really striking fear into anybody's heart (yet). Even assuming everybody (particularly Josh Howard) is completely healthy next season, it's hard to imagine the Mavs being any better. They're already due to pay out $69 million in salary next season...even with Jason Kidd's $21 million coming off the books. Speaking of which, are they going to resign Kidd? If they don't, they're screwed at the point guard position, and if they do, you have to wonder how much Kidd has left in the tank. I don't think Dirk has a "next level." Josh Howard is one big question mark. Jason Terry is a great sixth man who's earning $10 per year. The team has no cap flexibility, a shaky roster and no depth. At best, they're going to be a borderline playoff team unless Mark Cuban makes some seriously amazing offseason moves.

Hey, everybody has already poured dirt on the grave of the Steve Nash-led Phoenix Suns, in terms of their ability to compete for a championship. How are things any different for Dirk's Mavericks? Anyway, here's a little bonus fun with bad animation:


Allen Iverson / Joe Dumars: Check out this excerpt from the AP game recap:

The impetus for the transformation came when the team made its biggest trade ever, Allen Iverson to Detroit for Billups, who turned his hometown team from an afterthought into a championship contender after leading the Pistons to six straight Eastern Conference finals and the NBA championship in 2004.

"We love Allen, Allen's family," Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke said. "But as Allen has said many times it's still a business. Chauncey was right for us, with the different personalities we have on the club Chauncey was a really important part."

"He's a leader," Anthony said of Billups. "He came on this team and he brought a businesslike attitude to our team. He brought a defensive mindset we were looking for."

Hey, this subject has been beaten to death, but that pretty much sums it up: Dumars traded a leader, winner, and proven champion for a guy who...was not those things. And both Iverson (personally, professionally and in terms of his legacy) and the Pistons as a team were forced to pay a pretty steep price.

Erick Dampier: He scored 6 points in 24 minutes and finished with more fouls (3) than rebounds (2). Plus Nene made him look silly in this series. And guess what? He's got two years and $23 million left on his contract. AWESOME.

Lacktion report: Chris was simply agog over last night's epic lacktivity. Agog, I tell you.

Mavs-Nuggets: WOW! One night after the first non-lacktive evening of the playoffs, George Karl and Rick Carlisle decided to plug in their Nintendo 64 consoles for the first time in many years, resulting in the playoffs' first full-on MARIO PARTY!

Mark Cuban's top lacktator James Singleton (51 seconds) was joined by Gerald Green (34 seconds, and a suck differential of +2 via two misses from the stripe) and Mario Brothers Matt Carroll and Ryan Hollins (23 seconds each) for a soiree on Mini-Game Island.

(Green ended up with a +9 combined suck differential for the second round, the worst combined SD score of the playoffs so far!)

Despite the Nuggets' long run away from the conference finals, George Karl has made the team familiar with the process of lighting up celebratory tobacco (thanks in part to Joe Dumars's recurring nightmare). So he decided to bring out the trio of Renaldo Balkman, Jason Hart, and Johan Petro for a 34-second romp through a 3-on-1 Adventure Mode against Gerald Green, in which all of the Mavs' coins were panned away to the chagrin of the most famous unruly fan-owner man-child in the Association. Petro added a foul to his repertoire as well to give himself a +1 and a 1:0 Voskuhl.

Chris McKendry: And now for a little SportsCenter fail: Stotts Era pointed out that McKendry is, apparently, incapable of saying marijuana.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, NBA playoffs, Worst of the Night

Note: Just another reminder that Wild Yams is Basketbawful's special correspondant for the Rockets-Lakers series.

The Orlando Magic: You may remember it was only 10 short days ago that I said: "It can truly be said that no deficit is safe against the Magic. They simply will not allow their opponents to get blown out." This bitter truth (for Orlando fans) came back to haunt them last night in Boston. The Magicians were in control for most of the game. They went up by 14 (77-63) after a slam by Mickael Pietrus with 8:53 left in the fourth quarter, and they were still leading by 10 (85-75) with just under five minutes to go. But from that point on, the Celtics went on a 17-3 run to pull out a 92-88 come-from-behind victory. And perhaps the most painful aspect of this boner was the fact that the Celtic comeback was led by -- waaaaaaaaait for it -- Stephon Marbury and Glen Davis! That's right. Starbury scored all 12 of his points in the fourth and Big Baby had 10 of his 21 in the final period to account for 22 of Boston's 33 points. Said Baby: "Stephon Marbury led the charge in the second half, and made some things happen, and that energy fed me. Things weren't going right, and we're looking for an answer. ... You help others, and motivate others, and that’s what Stephon Marbury did and that's what we all did." Stephon led, the Magic lost. Talk about your bitter pills.

Now let's take a peek at Orlando's clutch (final five minutes) possessions: Missed two-pointer by Rashard Lewis; missed three-pointer by Lewis; turnover by Lewis (stolen by Ray Allen); missed three-pointer by Hedo Turkoglu; turnover by Rafer Alston (stolen by Kendrick Perkins); missed three-pointer by Alston; two made free throws by Rashard Lewis; one made free throw (out of two) by Dwight Howard; missed three-pointer by Anthony Johnson. The Magic also gave up three critical offensive rebounds, including two in the final 36 seconds when Boston was clinging to a one-point (86-85) lead. Had Orlando managed to snare just ONE of those rebounds...well, things might have turned out very differently. (But probably not.)

Said Turkoglu: "We were up all night, but the last two minutes we just stopped. We shouldn't even be in that situation because we could have won this game easily." Coulda, shoulda, woulda...but didn't. And there's some blame to spread around...

Orlando's three-point shooting: The Magic shot 5-for-27 in their Game 4 loss, and I said then that wasn't going to get it done...not for a three-point shooting team like Orlando. Well, they managed to nearly match that misguided marksmanship in Game 5 by going 6-for-24. To provide some perspective, Brian Scalabrine (2-for-3) and Stephon Marbury (1-for-2) were better from downtown than anybody on the Magic except for Courtney Lee...who was 1-for-1. So their outside game was "meh." What about their inside game...

Dwight Howard: Superman scored only 12 points and finished with almost as many fouls (4) and turnovers (also 4) as field goals (5). Moreover, his last bucket came with 6:56 to go in the fourth, and his only other point came on a free throw with six seconds left. But it's not Dwight's fault. Just ask him: "You've got a dominant player. Let him be dominant. I have to get the ball. I don't think you are going to win a lot of games when your post player only gets 10 shots. It's tough to get yourself going and get a lot of shots without a lot of touches. We have to get better with that. The coaches have to recognize what's working on the floor and stick with it. When you're in a situation where guys got it going, you know everybody's moving the ball and the energy is up, you have to stick with...what works." So it's Stan Van Gundy's fault then. Got it. But that doesn't take into account that Kendrick Perkins has been doing one hell of a job denying Howard position and contesting his 1.5 post moves. Plus, if you check the shot chart you'll notice that Dwight went 0-for-4 on anything that wasn't a dunk or a layup.

Officiating: Since I hate to point fingers at the officiating, I'll let the Boston Globe's Bob Ryan do it for me: "[The Celtics] also had the benefit of the doubt on an apparent Rondo air ball that was ruled as a legitimate shot attempt, and not, therefore, a 24-second violation. And the officials went deep into let-'em-play mode at just the right time, with a no-call on a Turkoglu excursion to the hoop particularly galling to the Magic." Yep. That's a little home cookin' you were smelling last night. And Stan Van Gundy wants you to know what the C's were eating for dinner. You know, in his own special passive-aggressive fashion: "You can watch it, you can write whether it hit the rim or not. But you want us coaches to say it, so that I can donate money to the league and I can be called a whiner and everything. You can write and comment on it. That's your job. Look, you're playing Boston. They're the defending champions. That's the way it is." Well, at least he's not WHINING about it...

Ray Allen's jumper: Things haven't gotten any better between Ray-Ray and his wayward jump shot. Last night, Allen went 3-for-11 and finished with more turnovers (4) than field goals. He now 2-for-15 (13 percent) from beyond the arc in the last three games and 7-for-34 (20 percent) in the series.

Reggie Miller, unintentionally dirty quote machine: As HoopBlah noted: "Reggie Miller is at it again in Game 5: 'Kendrick Perkins keeps massaging that sore left shoulder. I don't know if Dwight Howard is banging him or what.'"


The Houston Rockets: One game after manhandling the Lakers (only winning by 13, though the game was much more out of hand than that), the Rockets came out and tied for the worst loss in franchise history last night when they lost by 40 to those same Lakers (they were the same team, right? It's hard to tell). That means that if you include the fourth quarter of Game 4, the Rockets have now been outscored by the Lakers by 57 points in the last 5 quarters of play. And that's not good, not if you're facing elimination like Houston now is. There's a lot to pick on Houston for in this game, and if you look almost anywhere in the box score you'll see why the Lakers won. LA had more rebounds, more assists, had more blocks, more steals, had more free throw attempts, had fewer turnovers, fewer fouls, shot a better field goal percentage, shot a better 3-pt percentage, and every Laker scored (even DJ Mbenga). The only thing the Rockets did better than LA was shoot a better percentage from the free throw line. As badly as the Rockets kicked LA's ass in Game 4, this was much, much worse; and part of the reason for that is because of...

Ron Artest: Crazy Pills played a horribly uninspired game, but unfortunately for Houston, his lack of inspiration didn't preclude him from continuing to play stupid. Even though he only took 15 shots for the game, 7 of them were three-point attempts (of which he hit one); and on top of that he only hit three of the other eight shots he fired up, to finish 4-for-15 with 9 points and 4 turnovers. It probably would have been worse, except he only played 29 minutes due to the fact that it was a 40-point lead after three quarters.

Shane Battier: A game after breaking the 20-point barrier for the first time all season, Battier plummeted back to earth with a pedestrian 5 points on seven shots (1-for-4 from downtown). At the other end of the floor he let Kobe leave tire marks all over him, going 10-for-19 for a game-high 26 points in only 31 minutes of play. Battier was also a -28 on the +/-, but that only made him tied for third worst on the team, behind Carl Landry and Aaron Brooks. Brooks "led" the team with the worst +/- with a -32, though oddly he appeared to be one of the few Houston players who even approached having a nice game.

The LA Lakers: It might seem odd to have a team on here the day after it wins by 40 (and it wasn't even that close), but it's games like this one that make you fully appreciate just how poorly they played in Game 4, and how fickle their effort has been in these playoffs. They shouldn't get a whole lot of praise for this game, because even though they smoked Houston, with all the injuries the Rockets have, especially along their frontline, this is what the Lakers should be doing, and it's definitely what they should have done on Sunday. You see a game like this one and you can see why many picked them to win it all, but you also can't help but remember how they played just two days earlier. After a win as dominant as this one, you'd like to say that the Lakers should close the series out in Game 6 on Thursday, but the reality is you just don't know what to expect from this team.

The writers of "Fringe": From Trev: "The TV show 'Fringe' should get a Worst of the Night. In the episode they where talking about 'alternate universes' and a bunch of other stuff that really isn't important to this particular WotN. Anyway the last scene shows an alternate world where the Twin Towers still stand, and while in an office in the Towers they show a quick shot of a newspaper on a desk with a side-head that reads: 'Celtics Sweep: Len Bias Wins MVP.' While I appreciate the reference, Bias would be, what, 45 now? Also what's more f'ed up...being upset at bringing up the lost potential of Len Bias or omitting the reference of when over 3,000 people died?"

Corie Blount: Bad news for the former NBA baller: He's been sentenced to one year in prison for possession of nearly 30 pounds of marijuana.

Although Judge Craig Hedric did not sentence Blount to the maximum 10 years in prison, he rejected Blount's claim that the marijuana was intended for personal use and to share with friends.

"Cheech and Chong would have had a hard time smoking that much," Hedric told Blount.

Hedric fined Blount $10,000 and ordered him to surrender two vehicles and $34,000 in cash seized in the bust.

Busted, jailed AND the butt of a "Cheech and Chong" joke. Yowch. As Dan B. put it: "Corie, not only do you have to be a dumbass and get sent to prison for having a buttload of marijuana, but you also have to have a last name that sounds the same as 'blunt,' leading to many awful jokes. Have fun in the Gray Bar Hotel for the next year!"

Labels: Boston Celtics, Corie Blount, drug busts, Fringe, Houston Rockets, Len Bias, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

The Atlanta Hawks: It's a pretty sad commentary when the highlight of a team's second round playoff series is losing by only 10 points in the final match of a four-game sweep. It's like managing to hang on to part of your lower intestines while being eaten alive by wild dogs. In the face of their own postseason doom, the Dirty Birds shot 31 percent from the field (23-for-73) and 15 percent from downtown (2-for-13) while finishing with only 74 points. Included in those dreadful shooting stats were nine blown layups and 41 missed jumpers. And did I mention that Wally Szczerbiak got out and dunked on them. Yep. It happened. On the bright side, they did hit 26 of their 30 free throw attempts. But back to the less-than-bright side, they failed to capitalize on Cleveland's Shaqnopsis (the Crabs were 14-for-26 from the line) and an off shooting night for LeBron James (9-for-22, including 4-for-12 on jumpers and 2-for-7 on layups).

So the Hawks finish the 2009 playoffs with a 4-7 record. And they lost those seven games by the following margins: 15, 29, 28, 27, 20, 15 and 10. That's an average margin of defeat of nearly 21 points per loss. Their postseason point differential was -7.1, fifth-worst among playoff teams, ahead of only Philly (-7.7), Utah (-9.2), Detroit (-15.5) and New Orleans (-24.2). And you'll notice none of those other teams made it out of the first round.

Of course, Hawks coach Mike Woodson was quick with the excuses, which is what you do when you've got a job to hold onto. "It's hard to judge this team because we really weren't healthy in this series. We have to get better personnel-wise, but I couldn't be more proud of the guys than I am. We made some major strides this season."

Oh, I dunno, Mike. I personally think it's very easy to judge your team...


Al Horford: According to league statisticians, Big Al, sprained ankle and all, spent 19 minutes and one second on the court last night, but you hardly would have known it by watching the game. He finished with zero points and had as many fouls (3) and missed field goals (0-for-3) as rebounds. And two of those misses were air balls, by the way. By comparison, he made Zaza Pachulia (9 points, 6 boards) look like Wilt Chamberlain. Okay, that's overstating things a bit. Manut Bol, maybe? Oh, I forgot to mention that Horford was outrebounded 4-3 by this guy...

Mike Bibby: You know, I used to love this guy back when he was playing in Sacamento alongside Chris Webber and Vlade Divac. Now? I hate him. I mean, I loath him like he was a Laker. So, yeah, I get a little wood when the Bibster blows chunks. And last night, the chunks were extra chunky. Think "I shouldn't have downed that burrito as big as my head after doing 12 tequila shots." The line: 30 minutes, 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Not bad for a starting point guard...if your starting point guard is Eric Snow.

Mario West: How fitting that in his final game of the season -- and, who knows, maybe the final game of his career -- Mario ended up with a 35-second Mario during which he racked up a plus-minus score of zero. Dude is like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense"...he's there, but he's not.

Carmelo Anthony: Everything was going so well for the Nuggets. Up 3-0 in the series, ahead by 14 points (37-23) early in the second quarter of Game 4, the Mavs looked ready to call it a season...and then 'Melo did what my buddy Mister P calls "shooting a bear in the ass with a BB gun." Anthony got tangled up with Antoine Wright under the basket, and the officials called a loose ball foul on Wright. But that wasn't enough for 'Melo, who shoved the ball into Wright and threw an open-hand slap that kinda sorta glanced off of Antoine's shoulder.


Now see, that's the kind of thing that can light a fire under your opponent, especially when you pull that crap at their place. And that's exactly what happened. From that point forward, things got more than a little chippy: The next 34 minutes featured seven technical fouls and a couple flagrants. Things got so ugly that Carmelo's woman, LaLa Vazquez, had to be removed from the stands for her own safety. And, of course, extra security had to be positioned around Kenyon Martin's mom, Lydia Martin, due to her out-of-nowhere feud with Mark Cuban. (Of the Dallas crowd, Nuggets coach George Karl said: "I would probably use an uglier word than hostile, but I'm not going to do that right now.")

Anyway, when all was said and done, the Mavericks outscored the Nuggets by 16 the rest of the way to win 119-117 and live to die another day. And despite 'Melo's career playoff-high 41 points (15-for-29), you can't help but wonder how things might have gone if the dude had just been able to control himself.

Kenyon Martin: After Mavs owner and billionaire douchebag Mark Cuban accosted Martin's mom after Game 3 -- he told Kenyon's mom that her son was a thug and might also have called him a punk -- Martin said: "I don't feel I need to call his name in the media and all that, but it's a little personal. And I'm going to take care of it. ... [You] don't say nothing to my kids or my family. If you got something to say, say it to me. But I'm going to take care of it. I'm not going to do the whole media thing, back and forth. That's his thing. I'm more of a face-to-face type of dude."

So what did Kenyon "do" about it? Well, he fouled out in 33 minutes of lacktion, finishing with more fouls (6) than points (2), rebounds (2) and assists (1). That'll teach you, Mark Cuban! But wait, there's more. Martin got all tough with some Dallas fans too. According to Art Garcia of the NBA.com Playoff Blog (via Ball Don't Lie), Martin when all Ron Artest-lite on the crowd surrounding his mom during a second-quarter video review: "'You [expletive] better cut the [expletive],' he shouted, as team personnel tried to pull him back to the huddle. 'You're going to get [expletive] up.' Martin then said to his mother: 'Somebody do something to you, you better tell me. I'm going to [expletive] somebody up.'" Fortunately for the Nuggets, the NBA and the fans sitting around Kenyon's mom, Martin did not have to [word Kevin Garnett says on the Boston bench] anybody up.

Dirk Nowitzki, "please don't make me go home" machine: Connor Nolte of PassersRemorse.com pointed out: "After Game 4, Dirk said: 'We just didn't want to go home.' I'm pretty sure no one is going to argue with Dirk not wanting to go home to that insane lady. Dallas is the new favorite to win. Dirk definitely doesn't want to go home." I don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to go home when your criminal ex-fiance -- who might be preggers with your baby -- looks like this?


Officiating: If you read yesterday's comments section, then you know that Wild Yams is mad as hell about the state of officiating in the NBA, and he's not going to take it anymore! (I'm kidding. He's totally going to take it. But totally begrudgingly.) And his latest beef is with the way the calls were going down in the Nuggets-Mavs game: "The league has got to stop all these flagrant foul calls! Did anyone see the two flagrant fouls called near the end of the first half last night when JR Smith and Linas Kleiza drove to the basket? Neither one of those were flagrant at all. I don't even think they were even very hard fouls. What the hell are the refs doing calling everything flagrant these days? I know a lot of people are clamoring for the NBA to be consistent in its rulings, but honestly I don't care about that anymore. I'd be totally fine if they essentially admitted they'd been wrong recently and starting now you saw players able to foul the way they could during the regular season without worrying that they'll get called for flagrants for every little bit of contact. Also, did we really need for the game to stop last night for 5 minutes so the refs could review the video just because Melo shoved Wright to get him off of him? Whether he made contact with his head on that shove or not shouldn't be relevant: an open-handed shove is not a punch. The refs seem like they don't know how to call things anymore, and honestly I can't blame them. It seems nowadays like the league offices are changing the in-game calls (or worse, officially saying "they blew that call") after virtually every game. Can we just get back to playing basketball already?"

Lacktion report: Chris once again proves that lacktion is like a Hostess Twinkie: Whether or not you like its spongy, cream-filled goodness, it's always there...and always fresh.

Cavs-Hawks: The Dirty Birds met the fryer tonight, but not without putting up a fight through a majority of the game. Al Horford did his part by negating three boards and a steal in 19:01 with a trio of bricks and fouls and a turnover, earning a 4:3 Voskuhl. Maurice Evans bricked and fouled twice for a suck differential of +4 in 12:18. But in a clear example of a player showing the Association he is the world's best at a particular role, THE Mario West spent 35 seconds avoiding Donkey Kong's barrels one last time, to achieve his last Mario of the 2008-09 season (which somehow included a steal!).

Nuggets-Mavs: Even before the end of the game, Erick Dampier proved his non-worth to Mark Cuban with a painfully lengthy 22:54 stint -- where four boards, an assist, and a block were nowhere near enough to overcome a brick, five giveaways, and an Oden-style foulout! Yep, that's an 11:4 Voskuhl, THE worst ratio of the playoffs, and one of the most ghastly ratios in memory.

Luckily, Dirk Nowitzki more than made up for that mediocrity, allowing James Singleton to get back out there on the last play and be a human victory cigar! With the Mavs still alive, James's 1.4 trillion will no doubt help cover some of Mr. Cuban's legal bills.

And while George Karl's team did not end the series there, it wasn't for an absence of lacking it up, as Renaldo Balkman may have scored a late-game Super Mario Galaxy, according to ESPN (but not verified by any other source).

Insane fans: As reported yesterday, Glen "Big Baby" Davis got so freakin' excited over his game-winning jumper at the end of Game 4, he ended up shoving some fat kid who was standing courtside as he shambled his way back to the Boston bench. In a sane world, we all would have enjoyed a nice, hearty chuckle over the sweaty, flapping collision of porky flesh...that would have been that. But we don't live in a sane world. We live on a planet in which our millionaire basketball players are knocking up criminal woman-beasts and a man can't sit down on the toilet without having his penis bitten by a snake. So of course the kid's dad is getting all pissy. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

Ernest Provetti was standing beside his 12-year-old son Nicholas, sitting courtside, when the boy caught the backhand of an excited Davis. Davis scored the game-winning basket in the Boston Celtics' 95-94 Game 4 win against the Orlando Magic at Amway Arena.

Earlier today, he said he sent an e-mail to the NBA league office complaining about Davis' shove -- who many thought to be an accident.

In the e-mail, Provetti said Davis conducted himself like a "raging animal" with no regard for fans' personal safety.

"The NBA makes it clear to not cross the sideline," he said in a telephone interview. "If I cross that line, the NBA will take away my tickets. It's a double standard."

He said neither Boston or the NBA has responded. And he won't be waiting around for that call.

Sorry, Ernest. The NBA has a strict policy of not negotiating with crazy people. But if you take your wacko act to a local Starbucks, you might be able to intimidate the barista (which is pretentious for "coffee server") into a free vente diet triple frapachoco mocha whatever. Oh, and Ernest, here's some advice. Go to YouTube and to a search for "raging animal" sometime. You'll probably find several videos like this one, that will show you what a rampaging animal attack really looks like. And if that doesn't convince you, then here's a quick quiz that may help you to determine whether you have been the victim of a raging animal attack: Is there a pulpy blob of oozing flesh where the fat kid you brought to the basketball game with you was just standing? If the answer is yes...you just might have been victimized by one or more rampaging animal-monsters. Otherwise, you're a crazy, complaining twat.

Zach Randolph: Pablo sent in the link to this awesome "Where Will Amazing Happen This Year?" spoof that features Z-Bo and the worst possession in NBA history. Do yourself a favor and watch this baby seven times.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Kenyon Martin, Mark Cuban, Worst of the Night

Editor's note: Wild Yams is once again our special Rockets-Lakers correspondent. And Dan B. once again provided today's header photo.

The Boston Celtics (Game 3): The Orlando Magic are an inside-out team: They feed the ball to Dwight Howard down low and they drop three-bombs from on-high. That's who they are...it's what they do. If you're going to beat the Magic, or even stay within 20 points of them, then you probably have to take away at least one of those two options. But on Friday night, the Celtics did not; Howard (17 points, 7-for-8 14 rebounds, 5 blocks) owned the paint and the Magicians connected on 50 percent (9-for-18) of their three-point attempts. It was just that kind of night, as Boston's famed and fabulous D got roasted over a Magical fire. (Incendio!) Orlando shot nearly 60 percent for the game (39-for-66), a figure that included nine layups and nine dunks. Did the Celtics ever give up 18 layups/dunks when KG was playing? Just curious. Oh well. Whether you lose by one or 21 (as Boston did), it's still only one loss. Uh, right?

Ray Allen's jump shot (Game 3): Don't look now, but Ray-Ray's jumper has gone wayward again. After his Game 3 pants-crapper (3-for-13, 0-for-5 from downtown), Allen is 12-for-40 (30 percent) from the floor and 3-for-19 (15.7 percent) in threes for the series. I know everybody always turn all shocked and astounded when Ray occasionally goes broke in the playoffs, but that's what happens when you live and die by the jump shot.

Kendrick Perkins: Apparently, Perk decided to take a page out of Kobe Bryant's "Complete Guide To Self-Defense On The Basketball Court." Shortly after being abused by an uncalled shove from Howard, Kendrick decided that the best defense was a good offense...in the form of his elbow to Michael Pietrus' throat.


The foul was ruled a flagrant, but Perkins was neither ejected nor suspended afterward...despite the fact that this particular cheapie was clearly delivered above the notorious "above the shoulders" demarcation line. Maybe it was because their was no windup or follow through, maybe it was because Pietrus didn't do enough theatrical writhing, or maybe it was because David Stern is using a new method to decide on his final rulings. Like forcing a death row convict to fight his way through an underground arena of death. If the convict survives, he goes free and the play stands as called. If he dies a horrible death, the NBA apologizes and applies a postgame fine, foul upgrade and/or suspension. Oh, and by the way, the convict isn't really set free. Stern has him killed anyway. That's just how D-Stern rolls.

The Houston Rockets (Game 3): Houston definitely didn't back down in this game, but unfortunately for them they didn't play very well either. The Lakers didn't have a very good game themselves, but were still able to win rather handily on the road, making them now 3-0 in Houston this year, and 6-7 overall against the Rockets this season. The main reason that Houston lost this game is because their vaunted defense just was not able to slow the Lakers down enough to make them play the Rockets tempo like they were able to do in Game 1. In that game the Lakers were only able to score 92 points in a loss, but in the two games since LA has put up 111 and 108 points, both Laker wins. The fast pace helped the Lakers play their game, even if they didn't play very well, only shooting 43% from the field (though they did hit 11-20 three pointers). The Rockets didn't really get a good game from any of their players, and that's something of a large problem when you want to win a playoff game. One of the main culprits was...

Ron Artest (Game 3): In Games 1 and 2 Crazy Pills had really been playing some top quality ball on the offensive end, so it was probably just a matter of time before he came back down to earth a bit, and that's exactly what he did in Game 3. He still had 25 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there, including shooting only 2-8 from 3-pt range. As is sometimes the case with this Rockets team, Artest's poor offensive decisions can be one of the opponents' best weapons. Artest was pretty unstoppable when he took the ball inside, but he apparently prefers to shoot from distance, and that's not good for his team (if they want to win, that is). He ended his night by getting called for the weakest flagrant two foul I've ever seen (which probably should have just been a shooting foul, and nothing more), and getting ejected; but at least the league has since retroactively changed it to a flagrant one. Fortunately the foul came in the last minute of play after the Lakers had already blown it open, so this ejection really had no bearing on the outcome of the game (unlike Artest's ejection in Game 2).

Aaron Brooks (Game 3): With Derek Fisher out due to a suspension, and little-used Jordan Farmar in to take Fisher's place, Brooks responded by laying an egg to the tune of 7 points and 1 assist, with 3 turnovers and 5 fouls. Not really what a team needs from its starting point guard. Additionally he was pretty badly outplayed by the aforementioned Farmar, who finished with 12 points, 7 assists, 5 rebounds, 2 steals and only 1 turnover. Farmar played so well that 2nd string PG for the Lakers, Shannon Brown, who figured to play a big role in this game with Fisher out, only got off the bench for 15 minutes. Fortunately for the Rockets, with Fisher's suspension having been served, Farmar will no doubt return to his spot at the end of the bench, where his chances of terrorizing Houston will be much more limited.

Rick Adelman (Game 3): Yao Ming suffered some kind of injury in the 2nd quarter of the game, but continued to play on it. As the game went on Yao appeared to become more and more hobbled, and by the 4th quarter was pretty obviously laboring up and down the court, yet Adelman left Yao in there, despite the Lakers having a double-digit lead for most of the last 12 minutes. Yao refused to have his foot looked at or treated, and courageously (and probably stupidly) just played through it, but you can't fault a player for trying to play through pain. You can however fault the coach for letting his star player risk further injury by watching him limp up and down the court like that in a game that's probably decided, or you can at least tell him that if he won't let the trainers look at the injury then you're not gonna put him in the game. Adelman, however, sat idly by and let Yao continue to play, and now Yao is done for the season for suffering a hairline fracture in his left foot. Now, it's unfair to say conclusively that Adelman allowing Yao to play on an injury is what caused the fracture (because for all we know the fracture may have been the initial injury), but Rockets fans are certainly blaming him, and it's hard not to agree with them a little bit. If one of your players is limping around out there the way Yao was, you've got to force him to let the trainers look at him. Period. This is especially true when said player has a long history of foot and leg injuries.

Game 3 of the Mavericks-Nuggets series: My eyes...my eyes...THEY BURN. They did after watching this game, anyway, thanks to the fact that the teams combined for 61 personal fouls and 89 free throw attempts. If I'd known this game was going to devolve into Foul Fest '09, I would have flipped over to Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire. Of course, you've gotta love the NBA, because the one foul that should have been called wasn't...

The non-call on 'Melo's game winner: The setup: Dallas was protecting a two-point lead with less than 10 seconds to go. Incredibly, despite the ridonkulous number of fouls called in this game, the Mavs still had one left to give. (And I'm sure that wasn't home cookin' or anything.) As Carmelo Anthony tried to dribble his way into a shot, Antoine Wright gave him two hard bumps that went uncalled right before 'Melo drilled the game-winning three with a second left. The Mavericks, rather than being upset that Wright didn't, I don't know, try to defend the play, were beside themselves that the foul wasn't called. And poor Mark Cuban looked like he had just found an uncooked snake head in his broccoli. Unfortunately for them, science has proven that angst can't alter the outcome of a game, no matter how painful the circumstances. (For more information, please see The Collected Words of the :07 Seconds or Less Phoenix Suns.)

Said Wright: "I was positive a whistle was coming, just like everybody else was positive the whistle was coming. I made a play on the ball like I was told in the huddle, and the call wasn't made. ... I'm upset like everyone else in this locker room, and I feel like we have a right to be upset." Yeah, well, here's some advice, Antoine: Next time you want to get an intentional foul call, you might have to do more than just bump the guy. WRAP HIM UP. This is the NBA, and sometimes fouls have to be MORE than obvious for the officials to call them.

Mavs coach Rick Carlisle, who probably should have preached solid defense rather than intentional fouling, had something interesting to say about Mark Wunderlich, the ref who was responsible for not making the call: "I'm almost as disappointed for Mark as I am for us. ... It's a call he makes 100 percent of the time." 100 percent of the time? Really, Rick? Well, maybe you should read this then:

A day after Game 4 of the Western Conference finals last year, the NBA said a foul should have been called against Derek Fisher(notes) of the Los Angeles Lakers on the final possession. That could have given San Antonio a chance to win the game and get even in the series.

Fisher jumped and came down on Brent Barry(notes) in the final seconds of a two-point game. No foul was called and Barry missed badly on a 3-pointer as time expired.

Mark Wunderlich, one of the three officials for that game last year, was part of the crew for the Denver-Dallas game Saturday night and was the one closest to Wright and Anthony.

As always, I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'. But wait! There's more! The NBA, in its consistently inconsistent fashion, actually came out and admitted that the refs goofed. I know. Welcome to Armageddon, Population: Us. According to NBA president of league and basketball operations Joel Litvin: "At the end of the Dallas-Denver game this evening, the officials missed an intentional foul committed by Antoine Wright on Carmelo Anthony, just prior to Anthony’s three-point basket."

What a boner! It's nice that the NBA actually owned up for a change, but Dirk Nowitzki wasn't exactly thrilled by the league's mea culpa was Dirk Nowitzki: "If I was the league, I wouldn't say that. I don't think it makes anybody feel better. We don't get the last seven seconds back to kind of play it over again. More than anything, I think it made it worse."

And no NBA officiating controversy would be complete without the Vegas angle. From Basketbawful reader Karc: "BTW, over/under for the game was 209.5/210. If the foul is called and Dallas holds on, it's 208. After the non-call, it's 211. Just sayin'..." Huh. What a crazy random happenstance!

Now, some final thoughts from Stephanie G:

A flood of thoughts wash over me thinking about this situation:

1. The Suns are the only other team something this weird could've happened to.

2. In what other sport would a team want to intentionally foul AKA break the rules so as to gain an advantage? Usually breaking the rules results in a non-desirable penalty. Basketball is just odd that way.

3. If 'Melo misses the shot it's the Denver players who are having kittens and the NBA is issuing an apology to them instead.

4. I'm under the impression that coaches and players tell the refs in these situations that they are going to foul so as to not leave any doubt. What happened here?

5. Wright's foul was weak but "wrapping him up" may have been a flagrant 2 or something given recent history (I'm only half joking).

6. If the score was tied and the same thing happened and the ref did call the foul then fans would be complaining that refs shouldn't call something that soft at the end of the game.

7. Dirk is averaging something like 30-11 on 50% in the first three games. Even though he was taking tough fadeaways down the stretch I don't want to hear anyone blaming him. Denver is just a better team.

8. Dallas was up 4 with 30 seconds left in the 4th. Some teams find ways to win, others...well...

9. 'Melo can't get any love from the refs unless he's absolutely hammered in the paint. He can't even draw intentional fouls! How awesome is that?

10. How much does this feed the "Stern hates Cuban" conspiracies?

The Atlanta Hawks (Game N/A): Yes, technically speaking, they're still in the playoffs. But they won't be for long. And even though I could care less about this series at this point, Basketbawful reader Gal D. did have at least one beef with Game 3: "In case you missed it, the Cavs had a 29-11 advantage in FTA. This can obviously be explained away as one team being more aggressive, so I checked the shot-chart. The Crabs had 47 attempts in the paint and 44 mid to long-range jump shots, while the Dirty Birds had 52 attempts in the paint and 42 J's. I didn't see the whole game, I'm just sayin'." Hey, Gal, didn't you know that in addition to being named MVP, LeBron traveled to South America and found an ancient Incan idol that has rendered he and the rest of the Crabs incapable of committing fouls? No, really. It happened. (Furthermore, if King Crab managed to survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a refrigerator, nobody would even question it.)

Jaime Aron, Associated Press quote machine: Basketbawful reader mister d00bie said: "Just noticed this gem of a sentence in the AP recap of the Mavs/Nuggets game: 'The Mavericks were hoping to feed off their crowd, just like the Nuggets did in the first two games at their place, but all the fouls kept the fans from getting into the action. The game was so blah that the public-address announcer reminded everyone at halftime that the team needed them to get more involved.' It appears that in this 'global economic crisis,' that AP Sports writers have had to sell their thesauruses to survive."

The Los Angeles Lakers (Game 4): In the interest of being concise I'm tempted to say everything about them was bawful in this loss; but since that's not really in keeping with the spirit of this site, and because I definitely owe all the people I battled with last week over the Lakers & Rockets a take from the other side, allow me to expand upon the myriad ways that the Lakers were plain miserable in Game 4. For starters, don't let the 12 point margin of victory by the Rockets fool you, this thing was much, much more one-sided than that. No, the Lakers were only able to salvage the appearance of a relatively close game due to outscoring the Rockets 33-16 in the 4th quarter, which was other wise known as "garbage time", as the Lakers trailed by 29 after three quarters. As written above, Houston was without Yao Ming for this game (as they will be for the rest of the season), because he was sidelined with a broken foot; but that didn't stop the Rockets from pouncing all over the Lakers right from the start. Houston raced out to a 17-4 lead, then a 26-10 lead, and the Lakers never closed the gap to within single digits the rest of the game. I could give you reasons or excuses for why the Lakers played so poorly or why the Rockets played so well, but I won't. The Lakers just got their asses handed to them by a Rockets team that's now missing both T-Mac and Yao, and that means the Lakers will now have to make a return trip to Houston if they want to advance to the next round. All that's left to be said is to point out the individual performers who were the worst, and that brings us to...

Kobe Bryant (Game 4): Normally a guy who gets up for just about every game, Kobe was largely invisible in this one, taking only 17 shots and scoring only 15 points. He was only 1-4 from three-point land, and didn't earn even one trip to the foul line. On the other end Kobe let Shane Battier light him up for 23 points on only 12 shots, including 5-10 from deep. To put this in perspective, Battier had only scored 18 points combined in Games 1, 2 and 3 of this series, and it was the first time Battier had scored 20 or more points in a game this entire season (didn't Kobe just get selected to the All-Defensive 1st team last week?). Kobe was most assuredly not going to be confused with Michael Jordan after this game.

Derek Fisher (Game 4): Freshly back from his one game suspension for leveling Luis Scola in Game 2, Fisher played like he'd been suspended for two games instead. His line: 2 points on 1-4 shooting with no assists in 20 minutes of playing time, and a game low -26 on the +/-. That alone would be worth a mention here, but the fact that his counterpart, Aaron Brooks, went off for 34 points on 12-20 shooting cemented it. Considering Brooks played so poorly in Game 3 while Fisher was out that he got mentioned above, maybe Phil Jackson should sit Fisher for the rest of the series. Then again, Jordan Farmar doesn't exactly get a reprieve here either, since he was guarding Brooks for some of the 21 minutes he was on the floor.

Lamar Odom (Game 4): Maybe Odom was waiting till the 4th quarter to make a contribution, but unfortunately for him he wasn't in the game that long, as he left with back spasms after a pretty bad collision in the 3rd quarter, during which he picked up a charge. Nevertheless, in the 25 minutes Odom did get to play, his contributions were negligible at best: 2 points on 4 shots, with 6 boards and 3 assists. Odom will have tests today to see how bad he's hurt, but if he can't go, at least the Lakers have...

Andrew Bynum (Game 4): Bynum continued his parade of futility through these playoffs with another scoreless game, this time in 12 minutes of playing time. He did manage to avoid a 12 trillion, however, thanks to one missed shot, two rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Well done Andrew, you're exactly the spark off the bench the Lakers hoped you'd be. I should probably stop here before I go ahead and name the rest of the Lakers' entire roster (all of which deserve a mention, except maybe for Pau Gasol and Shannon Brown). It should be pointed out that the Lakers are now 0-4 in games against Houston in which Yao does not play. Not a good omen if you're a Lakers fan.

The Orlando Magic (Game 4): The good news: Orlando totally shut down Eddie House (zero points, 0-for-1) and Brian Scalabrine (zero points, 0-for-2). Now for the bad news: With a chance to take a commanding 3-1 series lead over the defending champs, the Magicians found out that the NBA...is where Big Baby Happens. (Thanks to Andrew B. for the link.)


This was especially sweet redemption for Davis, not only for that whole crying episode, but because Davis was the guy who fouled Rashard Lewis with 11 seconds to go, thus empowering Lewis to put the Magic ahead with a couple foul shots. So I guess we can excuse Baby for celebrating so hard he probably almost burst a vein. Oh, and let's not forget about that fat kid he shoved on his way to the Boston bench:


Orlando's starting backcourt (Game 4): Rafer Alston and J.J. Redick combined to shoot 2-for-14 and 1-for-11 from downtown. Oh, which reminds me...

The Magic's three-point shooting (Game 4): Remember way back at the beginning of this post how I said that, to beat the Magic, you needed to take away either the inside or the outside? Well, Dwight did his thing (23 points, 8-for-14, 17 rebounds, 3 blocks), but it wasn't raining outside. Orlando went 5-for-27 from downtown. As I also said above, live by the three and sometimes you'll die by it too. Ray Allen feels your pain, guys.

The Boston bench: There total contribution for the game in total: 2 points (from Stephon Marbury), 3 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 turnovers, a steal and 11 fouls in 35 minutes. I hearby dub them "The Invisible Men."

Weekend lacktivity update: Chris and his bud (and regular Basketbawful photo contributor) Dan B. tag-teamed on this weekend's lacktion.

Celtics-Magic - Game 3: Orlando's Tony Battie bricked twice for a +2 suck differential in 3:49. Teammate and fellow big man Adonal Foyle did get a board in 3:02, but negated it with a giveaway, foul, and brick for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Lakers-Rockets - Game 3: Josh Powell missed two shots in exactly 3 minutes for a +2, marking his second straight +2 (and second straight appearance of unimportance).

First off, here's a shout out to my best friend and fellow 'bawful devotee Dan B. who helped out with the source material research for tonight, as I was away at the racetrack. Now, on to the top non-contributions of this playoff Saturday!

Nuggets-Mavs - Game 3): Johan Petro took a foul for a suck differential of +1 in 1:37, and as a center, that also qualified him for a 1:0 Voskuhl. Dallas's Gerald Green offered a verdant +7 suck differential in 9:11, the worst single-game performance of the playoffs to date (thanks to four bricks and three fouls). And, here's some mediocrity Dan noticed that has to be quoted verbatim (if you're looking for a cure for insomnia):

"What do you call something that isn't lacktion, but isn't action either? I call it Jose Juan Barea's night. Barea statistically had a fairly unproductive 11:37 of playing time, going 0-2 from the field, but with 1 rebound and 1 assist to balance it out. And if you factor in Denver's Nene having just a single name to type or say, that also balances out Jose Juan Barea's three names. So overall, it's a wash."

Cavs-Hawks (Game 3): The Dirty Birds have been thoroughly roasted by the crustacean nation all throughout this second round, tonight being no exception. Except that for once, the ultimate lacktion matchup finally lived up to its nickname, with the least important amongst them suddenly rubbing shoulders with some surprisingly significant ballers!

Daniel Gibson gave up the rock once and bricked three times (twice from Peachtree Street) for a +4 in 14:06, while Ben Wallace of all people turned over the ball once in 8:16 for a +1 (that also accrued a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl). Bench partners Tarence Kinsey and Sasha Pavlovic clawed at a Game Boy for 46 seconds in a four-way F1 Race battle with Atlanta's Solomon Jones and Othello Hunter, the first time in these playoffs that we have SYNCHRONIZED DOUBLE MARIO BROTHERS! (These creatures of the sea and air were so aligned in their lacktive celebration of the Famicom, that NONE of them even dared contribute anything to any statistical category!)

And THE Mario West avoided honoring his pizza-eating plumber namesake tonight, but instead went collecting gold coins with a take of 1.5 trillion!!

Lakers-Rockets (Game 4): What playoff game is complete without a Voskuhl from Andrew Bynum? This afternoon, his 11:37 saw two boards negated by a brick, turnover, rejection, and three fouls for a 4:2 ratio.

Celtics-Magic (Game 4): Adonal Foyle watched a 49-second snippet of "The Wizard" for a Mario.

Dennis Rodman: Seems the Worm tried to worm his way out of a $1,000 dinner tab and hilarity ensued. And by "hilarity," I mean that an altercation broke out in which the manager of the hotel at which Rodman had eaten got punched in the face. Once a Bad Boy, always a Bad Boy. (Thanks to Chris for the link.)

Update! Mark Cuban: How's this for a Mother's Day present from the land of Superdickery: Cuban mouthed off to Kenyon Martin's mom, Lydia Moore, at the conclusion of Game 3 of the Mavs-Nuggets series. According to Mark, he "only" told Kenyon's momma that her boy was a thug (an unnamed fan was calling the Nuggets thugs, and Cuban admits to telling Lydia "That includes your son"). However, Martin's agent, Brian Dyke, claims that Cuban told Moore, "Your son is a punk." No word yet on whether this happened before or after Cuban thugged a cameraman on his way to the Dallas locker room (at the 0:55 mark). (Thanks to DDC for the head's up.)

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Big Baby totally shoved that fat kid, Boston Celtics, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Weekend, Yao Ming just can't stay healthy

Whoops. This bachelor isn't as eligible as I thought...
Update! A terrible, awful, unforgivable mistake has been made. I mocked the wrong Zaza. Hello egg, meet my face. The following story is about Zaza Enden, not Zaza Pachulia. Two pro ballers from Georgia named Zaza? What are the chances? Apparently immense.

Come and get it, ladies.
Strange news from Basketbawful reader Mithat: "Dude, according to this Turkish newspaper, Zaza Pachulia's Enden's uncle died and left him $100 million...on one condition: He must marry and stay married for at least five years. Is this a bad movie script or what?"

Since I missed all of my Turkish language classes in college, I can only make out the numbers in the article Mithat linked to. (Assuming those are actually numbers and not some form of foreign script. Note to self: Stop sniffing glue.) But as soon as my Turkish intern shows up with the dry cleaning, I'll provide as much of a translation as he can manage while doing my pedicure.

Translation update! Mithat helped me pierce the language barrier (somewhat):

I tried to translate the article myself, but the writer included a lot of unrelated details and used a confusing language, so I am sorry that I can only translate the following:

The main idea is, Zaza had a relationship with a model named Ece Gürsel in Turkey and once he was in the headlines for beating his girlfriend. (This has nothing to do with the rest of the article, but it's there -- great journalism!!)

His uncle, residing in Russia, died last week and left him $100 million. Zaza confirmed the incident, stating that he received a phone call from Moscow from a lawyer explaining the situation, but he said at first he taught it was a joke.

He also said that his uncle in Russia loved him very much and he is not surprised the uncle left everything to him and two sons. The lawyer told him that there is a condition on the will. This condition is that Zaza has to get married and stay married for 5 years. After receiving the news, Zaza called his mom in Georgia (the country, not the state) and asked her to come to Turkey. Zaza is doing some passport related paperwork and as soon as he is finished he will go to Moscow to check what is going on and other conditions.

He also insisted the inheritance is not cash, but it includes shopping centers, residences, land and other real estate. When asked if everything goes okay and he gets the money what he will do, he answered that he will start a basketball club and play final in Euroleague with this club.

What? Start a basketball club?! Now that he has access to unlimited cash, his primary goal is surrounding himself with hot, sweaty European dudes? What a waste. And man, if you inherit $100 million dollars and "commission genius to build me a rocket pack" isn't one of the top two items on your "List Of Things To Do Now That I'm Filthy Rich," you lose cool points. All of 'em.

Another update! I apologize for any initial misinformation I might have spread. Fortunately, Basketbawful reader Kaan was there to set me straight:

The player in question is not Zaza Pachulia but rather Zaza Enden. Both are Georgian (seems Zaza is a popular name there), and both came to Turkey at a very young age to play basketball.

And actually the story is extremely fishy. Enden has been known to use incredible theatrics for fame because I believe he is cash strapped and needs to be in the spotlight. He has not played top level basketball for 4-5 years. He appeared in a Turkish version of Dancing with Stars for appearence fees and such. I firmly believe this is a hoax anyway.

Damn hoaxes. Damn bloggers who blog too quickly. Damn brains that are thinking more about the warm weather than fact checking and brushing up on my Turkish. Damn, damn, damn.

Labels: I would totally marry for 100 million, rich uncles rock, strange but true I guess, why don't I have a rich uncle, Zaza Pachulia

Hopeless scrub...or helpless victim?
Basketbawful reader Steve recently directed me to a Web site called Caste Football. According to CF's About Us page: "Caste Football's goal is to see that white athletes are respected for their abilities, and that they receive the same opportunities to succeed as non-white athletes." That's a righteously sweet goal, because I've often felt that racist media propaganda -- such as the spurious notion that professional sports require remarkable speed, incredible strength, striking natural ability and a multitude of finely-honed skills -- has unfairly prevented me from winning several Olympic gold medals, achieving All-Star status in the NBA and beating Sonya Thomas in an internationally-recognized chicken wing eating contest.

But make no mistake: I'm not the only victim here. Many current NBA players -- all so white they're nearly translucent -- are being treated unfairly because they suffer from the incurable color of their skin. Some examples (mind you, this article is dated):

Regarding the Atlanta Hawks: "One of the worst teams in the traditionally worst division in the NBA, Atlanta's roster is comprised almost wholly of 'superior' athletes. How is this possible? ZaZa Pachulia is the lone team representative for white folks, and like most white basketball players the Georgian center is a good shooter, rebounder, and passer. So how come he doesn't get more minutes for a team in such dire need?"

About the Chicago Bulls: "They benched their best point guard for a wildly out of control rookie who can't shoot but can jump really high. Of course, that's S.O.P. for the NBA. Kirk Hinrich is arguably the best point guard in the conference, however he was demoted. Then he got injured and is out for the foreseeable future. Argentine small forward Andres Nocioni is incredibly athletic, tough, and skilled. But he's white, so he comes off the bench behind guys he routinely out-plays. 7-foot center Aaron Gray is in his second year with the Bulls, but despite being their best big man has never been truly incorporated into the team's plans. I'm not sure why they even keep the talented rebounder with a soft touch around."

Then there's the black evil in Cleveland: "Aleksander Pavlovic might be the best athlete on the team, but it's blasphemy to say that since 'King' LeBron James is on the roster. Despite being an incredible offensive talent, Pavlovic can't get on the floor. Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob off the Simpsons cartoon, but the rebounding machine must not be a white man, because he actually gets to play."

Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812. I mean, who knew that the only thing standing between the Hawks and true greatness was more minutes for Zaza Pachulia? Or that Sasha Pavlovic could beat LeBron James in a jumping contest. My eyes have been opened, and I can't wait to learn more secret truths that govern this strange new world, like that up is really down, C-A-T actually spells dog and eating this delicious, gravy-soaked stick of butter won't cause my heart to explode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to declare my eligibility for the NBA draft...

Labels: are these guys for real, Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kirk Hinrich, Lebron James, Sasha Pavlovic, White Men, Zaza Pachulia

"I must break you."
Editor's note: Today Wild Yams is acting as Basketbawful's special Lakers correspondent. You know, just so you'll know who to spam if you don't like the Rockets-Lakers section.

The Orlando Magic: When Eddie House gunned down the Bulls in Game 7 of Boston's first-round series, there were some people (maybe even a lot of people) who thought the laser-like accuracy of his performance was a fluke. And I guess the Magic players were part of that group, because they would not and then could not contain the tiny guard, who "bustin' somebody's ass" with a career-high 31 points on 11-for-14 shooting (including 4-for-4 from beyond the arc). Not only did Eddie's detonation induce a 112-94 blowout and cause an explosion of way-too-predictable puns to sweep across the Internet ("Magic Get Housed!!!"), it also caused Rafer Alston to totally lose his sh*t (see below).

It was a pretty sad showing for the Magic, who got crushed despite the fact that Paul Pierce played only 15 minutes and finished with more fouls (4) than points (3). Orlando got skewered, and not only by Fast Eddie. Rajon Rondo had a triple-double (15 points, 11 rebounds, 18 assists), Kendrick Perkins and Big Baby were nearly perfect from the field (7-for-10 and 4-for-5, respectively) and even Brian Scalabrine had 8 points on 3-for-4 shooting (2-for-3 from downtown). Toss in the fact that the Magic bricked 13 free throws (24-for-37), and it was pretty much a lost night altogether.

Rafer Alston: Not only did he shoot 3-for-11 and get outscored 8-7 by the whitest man in New England, Alston was had all the body hair on his body singed off by the nuclear heat emanating from Eddie House leading to a cheap slap upside the back of Eddie's head...and yet another awesome "Where Amazing Happens" commercial spoof:


I guess Skippy had a flashback from his days on the And 1! tour. I seriously can't imagine that Alston won't get suspended for Game 3. Just what the Magic needed: To lose another starting point guard.

Rafer Alston, echo machine: From Basketbawful reader Mike T: "After the game, reporters were asking Alston about slapping Eddie House and he started by saying 'When you're havin' a good night, havin' a good night. Uh, they were kickin' our behinds, kickin' our behinds.' At least he didn't mention their deep penetration deep penetration."

Eddie House, post-game interview/unintentionally dirty quote machine: "...you know, that's what happen when you start bustin' sombody's ass, they get upset like that and resort to bush league tactics." Classic. Note also when he says "...I can get my hands on balls..."


Dwight Howard: Basketbawful reader Sturla writes: "Guess it was Superman's day off, so Bizzaro showed up instead: 5 turnovers, 4 fouls, bricks 60 percent of his shots, goes 2-for-8 from the line, nearly gets outrebounded by the opposing six-foot point guard and gets outblocked by Brian "Frigging" Scalabrine 2-0 (and getting outblocked by Scal is a Worst of the Night/Year/decade by itself)."


I can't disagree. Plus, compare Howard's performance to that of the man he was supposed to be guarding, Kendrick Perkins, who had 16 points on 7-for-10 shooting, 9 boards and 2 blocked shots...in five fewer minutes. Oh, and check out the plus-minus scores: -20 for Dwight, +11 for Kendrick. The Celtics have to be pretty happy with the outcome of that matchup, wouldn't you say?

Stephon Marbury: More from Sturla: "And what is wrong with Stephon Marbury? As good as he looked in game 1, that’s how bad he looked in game 2. Only 1-for-7 and 2 points. Has it been that long since he proclaimed that he was the best point guard in the NBA? These days he gets soundly outplayed by Anthony Johnson." One last point: Starburied had the worst plus-minus score on the team (-5). Pretty sad when you consider that the Celtics won by 18.


The Houston Rockets: In what was probably the wildest game of the playoffs so far, and a contest that could be argued was "must win" for both teams, the Rockets only showed up for the first half and as a result blew an opportunity to go home up 2-0. In what was an excessively physical game that seemed to pretty loudly answer the question of whether the Lakers are "soft", LA came at the Rockets from all angles and essentially beat them into submission. In the first half the Lakers came out on fire, but Houston answered right back in the second quarter, and it really looked like this Rocket team simply would not be intimidated. Yet in the second half after the Lakers took a double digit lead, things suddenly got real chippy and real physical, and Houston seemed to wilt in the face of it all. Pending the ongoing wussification of the league potential suspensions, we'll have to see if the Rockets can pick themselves off the canvas and show that they're the "bulldogs" that the TNT crew was claiming they were. All I know is that last night the Lakers got right in Houston's faces, and Houston backed down, with the possible exception of...

Ron Artest: Crazy Pills seemed to be the only one who stood up for himself, which isn't surprising. Unfortunately for Houston, it's also not surprising that the way he stood up for himself was to go after Kobe Bryant so aggressively during a dead ball that he got himself ejected. Artest was Houston's best player all night, so he really did his team a disservice by getting tossed with seven minutes to go and his team down 10. With Artest out of the game the Rockets rather meekly let the Lakers quickly bump the lead up to 15, and that was basically that. One can argue that Artest didn't do enough to get tossed, or that he needed to assert to Kobe that he wasn't gonna take getting elbowed like that; but considering the situation with all the technicals and the Derek Fisher ejection and considering Artest's reputation, it's really not that surprising he got the gate for running over and getting in Kobe's face like that after the ref told him to put a cork in it. Speaking of guys losing their cool...

Von Wafer: A player getting sent to the locker room by his own coach after a heated argument would probably be a huge story if not for all the other drama in this game; but even though Wafer being sent to the showers at the end of the third quarter by coach Rick Adelman will probably get swept under the rug a bit, that's a huge story. The Rockets are gonna need every player available and playing well if they want to win this series, and they can ill afford to have Wafer not playing. Von Wafer's incident with his coach and Ron Artest's ejection make me wonder not just about the toughness of the Rockets, but about their composure as well. For Houston to win they need Von Wafer in there to make shots, and they need Artest to keep playing smart basketball and not try to make a statement (a la Kobe in Game 1); and these two incidents call all of that into question.

Yao Ming: Maybe the biggest stat of the night was the 26 minutes Yao played, 12 of which came in a 4th quarter, most of which Houston spent behind by double digits. Five very stupid fouls by Yao caused his limited minutes, and without him in there Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol were able to combine for 29 points and 25 rebounds (and 8 assists and 5 blocks). Fortunately for the Rockets, not everyone took advantage of Yao's absence...

Andrew Bynum: Maybe Phil Jackson left him on the bench for all but nine minutes of this game because Yao was in foul trouble, or because Lamar Odom was playing well; but at some point the excuses have to run out and reality has to set in: Bynum is looking like he's not going to contribute much at all in these playoffs. No points last night, 1 rebound and 3 fouls (he did have 1 steal and 1 block) is not a good sign for how much LA can count on Bynum for the rest of the postseason.

Jordan Farmar: After languishing on the bench for the last month or so, Farmar finally got some minutes (due to Derek Fisher's ejection) and he really made the least of them. 18 minutes, 5 points on 2-for-7 shooting and 1 assist is not what the Lakers need out of him; and make no mistake, they very well might need him for a lot more in Game 3 depending on whether the league suspends Derek Fisher for knocking Luis Scola on his ass.

Speaking of Fisher and that shot he laid on Scola, I'm not putting him in here for today's Worst Of, because even though it was a cheap shot (though not dirty enough to risk injuring a guy), and even though it got him ejected and may earn him a suspension; I think it was a smart, veteran play which sent a powerful message to the Rockets. And let's face it, Houston didn't have much fight in them after that play, and it remains to be seen whether they'll bounce back from backing down the way they did. Fisher is an important piece for the Lakers, but they do have two backups behind him who don't represent much of a dropoff, so it wasn't really that bad of a sacrifice for him to make. Jordan Farmar might be a better matchup on Aaron Brooks anyway, considering Brooks is all speed and no brawn. We'll soon see if Fisher's play ultimately pays off for the Lakers. It sure looked like it did last night.

Basketbawful's take: Like I said, Wild Yams handled the Rockets-Lakers section, but here's my two cents. First, I loved Ron Artest's post-game rant: "I knew I was going to get a technical foul. The point was to let the refs know this guy was elbowing me. I know I went over there with no punches, no shoves to the face, just a confrontation. I told him, 'You're hitting the wrong person. Don't you know you're hitting Ron Artest?" Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure Kobe knew exactly who he was hitting, it could be argued that Ron-Ron's "Don't you know who I am?! I'm Ron Artest bitch!" attitude is a big part of the reason Mamba delivered that particular cheap shot...because he probably figured it might set Artest off. Oh, and by the way, Kobe swung that elbow intentionally:


Again, if the league wants to stay consistent in the way it hands down its rulings, Kobe -- like Dwight Howard, who threw his elbow Samuel Dalembert's way earlier in the playoffs -- will be suspended a game for his shenanigans. Particularly in light of the crap he pulled on Shane Battier in Game 1. (And don't think for one second that the Rockets didn't send a video of that incident to the league offices.) As for Fish, well, he was ejected, as he should have been. I'm don't think his bully-boy tactics deserve any further punishment. By the way, how about a little...

Update! Ron Artest, post-game interview machine: Oh. My. God. Best post-game interview ever. Listen and hear about how one of Ron's friends once had a table leg thrown right through his heart. Oh yes, he says it. Update! Scott did some crack detective work and discovered that Ron-Ron was telling the God's honest truth!


Lacktion report: Chris provides another fresh blast of playoff lacktivity.

Magic-Celtics: After the Game 1 comeback-that-wasn't, Doc Rivers repositioned his team to set the clock early on the regular garbage pickup time. While Stan Van Gundy did bring out Jeremy Richardson to lack it up with a turnover and brick in 2:26 for a +2 suck differential, the Celtics went on an investment spree that would make Scrooge McDuck proud. Tony Allen swore off Bowser by turning an 8-second Super Mario (as the 3rd quarter wound down) into a full 1.8 trillion, while Gabe Pruitt honored his NBA Cares human interest segment with a donation of 1.65 trillion. And Bill Walker had a rather pedestrian +2 in that same 1:40 as Pruitt, fouling and bricking once each.

Mavs-Lakers: A game more known for the hard physical play of Derek Fisher, Kobe, and Ron-Ron had just enough garbage time to produce minute-sapping unproductivity. Brian Cook and James White played Wii Tennis for 43 seconds with Clutch the Bear, becoming tonight's Mario Brothers! (Cook also added a brick from the Toy District for a +1).

Josh Powell cabled his way to a +2 in 3:20 via giveaway and foul, also scored as a 2:0 Voskuhl. And Andrew Bynum maintained his own recurring tribute to THE Jake with a 8:39 stint that saw no points scored despite a board, steal, assist and block: two bricks and three fouls earned a 3:1 Voskuhl ratio!

Update! Dirk Nowitzki: Okay. Take a quick glance at this horrid beast:


What does this shocking monster have to do with the Flying Dutchman? Well, she's the wanted criminal who was hanging out at Dirk's crib. Prior to her arrest, anyway. Oh, and she may or may not be Nowitzki's girlfriend. Memo to Dirk: I know you're a big, fluffy German marshmallow...but you can do better than that. Really. (Thanks to La Dolce Vita for the link.)

Labels: Boston Celtics, elbows to the throat, Houston Rockets, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Ron Artest, Worst of the Night

THE Mario West leaves nothing to chance for lacktivity-- and is rewarded with a trip to the second round!
With the opening act of the 2009 NBA Playoffs complete, here's a brief rundown of the top non-performers in the Association after these initial-round series have completed. And yes, for lacktion enthusiasts (read: AnacondaHL), I have compiled these critical metrics in EXCEL FORMAT for you to digest!

42 total lacktators in the first round, here's the top five in total duration:
1. Nicholas Batum (Blazers) - 16:03 (in games 3 and 5)
2. Tony Allen (Celtics) - 11:34 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
3. Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) - 9:45 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
4. Eddie House (Celtics) - 9:39 (in game 5)
5. Stephon Marbury (Celtics) - 7:58 (in game 6)

Three-time lacktators:
- Tony Allen (Celtics)
- Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs)
- Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (7:47 in games 1, 4, and 6)

Atlanta leads all teams with most lacktators, Mike Woodson having sent out EIGHT different potential human victory cigars! (Speedy Claxton, Othello Hunter, Mario West, Solomon Jones, Acie Law, Randolph Morris, Thomas Gardner, Marvin Williams)

31 players have racked up a suck differential...
Largest single-game SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+5 in 6:20), Game 2
Largest combined SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+7)

12 trillionares so far in the postseason
Richest man in the playoffs: George Hill (Spurs) (4.95 trillion)
Most prolific venture capitalist: Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (3.35 trillion in game 1, 1.5 trillion in Game 6)

16 ballers have floored it in a Mario Kart free-for-all derby, with three instances of Mario Brothers but no Super Mario Brothers yet...
Super Marios: Othello Hunter (Hawks) (6 seconds in Game 1), Tony Allen (Celtics) (4 seconds in Game 2), and James Singleton (Mavs) (9 seconds in Game 4)
Two-time Power Glove wearers: Ryan Hollins (Mavs) (games 1 and 5), James Singleton (Mavs) (games 1 and 4), Lindsey Hunter (Bulls) (game 4 and 5)

...oh and yes, THE Mario West stomped on a Koopa shell in Game 2, living up to his namesake.

14 big men bawfully honored the least terrifying mesolithic center of our age...
Worst Voskuhl ratios:
Kwame "#1 Overall" Brown (Pistons) - 7:3 in 18:38, game 2
Matt Bonner (Spurs) - 5:1 in 21:55, game 4
Hilton Armstrong (Hornets) - 7:3 in 12:00, game 4
Most Voskuhls: Jamaal Magloire (Heat) with three (games 2, 4, and 7); four other players each had two - Ryan Hollins (Mavs), Matt Bonner (Spurs), Andrew Bynum (Lakers) and Randolph Morris (Heat)

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: lacktion report, Mario West, NBA playoffs, Stephon Marbury

Today's pic was sent in by Geert.

The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds kept things respectable for the first 24 minutes and were behind by only five points (49-44) at the half...but I already knew the game was over. Want to know why? Because of a second-quarter sequence in which Wally Szczerbiak posted up and the Hawks couldn't trust their defense in single coverage. So they sent an extra man to double Wally -- again, in the post! -- to which Szczerbiak responded by skipping a crosscourt pass to Delonte West for a three-pointer. Oh, and this occurred while King Crab was on the bench. I immediately thought to myself, "If they can't contain a LeBron-less unit featuring the postup prowess of Wally "Playa Pimp" Szczerbiak, well, this isn't going to turn out well for Atlanta." And it didn't.

The Hawks -- who committed 17 turnovers and missed half of their free throws -- were outscored 50-28 in the second half, during which they shot 9-for-30 (30 percent). Said Josh Smith: "It was very disappointing. We advanced to the next level in the postseason and it's kind of disheartening not to be able to play and bring the effort in the second half." Only "kind of" disappointing, Josh? What should be alarming for Atlanta fans, players, coaches, management, stadium employees, personal shoppers, etc., is the casual ease with which the Crabs dispatched them. Mr. MVP scored one of the most effortless 34 points (12-for-20) I've seen in recent memory. Speaking of which...

Joe Johnson: "The Man" for the Hawks finished with 11 points and a game-high 5 turnovers. And he was the unfortunate sucker who was forced to defend LeBron. I guess I don't need to tell you that it was a pretty one-sided matchup. At one point, Johnson actually tried to post up the bigger and much stronger James. 'Bron easily flicked the ball away to a teammate, and, almost before Joe Cool could even react, King Crab was already at the other end throwing down a one-handed slam. Ego-ectomy. And I've gotta be honest...Jonhson looked nervous, if not outright scared, to be facing off against LeBron.

The Atlanta bench: The Atlantean pine jockeys contributed a whopping 10 points on 4-for-19 shooting (and 2-for-6 from the line) in 70+ minutes of mass lacktion. Oh, and their turnovers-to-assist ratio was 7-to-1. Gulp. My favorite bench player play of the night: Zaza Pachulia posts up on the baseline, about 19 feet from the basket, executes to quick half-spins and then loses the ball out of bounds. Somebody needs to remind Zaza that he's only effective within two, maybe three feet of the hoop.

Atlanta's free throw shooting: Remember how I mentioned that they missed half of their freebies (9-for-18)? Well, it might be worth mentioning that Mike Bibby, Joe Johnson and Al Horford combined for zero free throw attempts...in nearly 100 minutes of playing time. That seems almost impossible, doesn't it?

The Dallas Mavericks: As with the Hawks, there were early signs that the Mavs were in trouble. In this case, it was that the Nuggets played like absolute garbage for the first several minutes but Dallas failed to really take advantage of it. At one point, due to a defensive switch, Dahntay Jones was stuck guarding the much taller Dirk Nowitzki in the post. Dirk slammed into Jones a couple times and then pulled what I've started calling "The Wet Spaghetti," where, after minor contact, a player flails his limbs like the bones have been removed in order to get some love from the officials. Anyway, after a couple Wet Spaghetties, Dirk spun and got the ball stripped by Jones...which made me question for like the zillionth time why someone so tall and offensively gifted could suck so badly down low. It's like his puppy died in a tragic low post accident and Dirk never got over it. Hey, Dirk. You're rich. Buy a new puppy, already.

Unlike the Hawks, the Mavericks actually kept the game close through three quarters instead of only two, but the outcome was strangely similar. Dallas was outscored 31-22 in the final quarter and lost by 12 (117-105). And I wouldn't argue if you came to the conclusion that defense was a bit of an issue for the Mavs, considering that the Nuggets shot 50 percent (39-for-78) and earned 40 trips to the line.

Now...regarding trips to the line. I received an email from Mike Fisher of DallasBasketball.com about a post he wrote regarding Danny Crawford, one of the officials in Game 1. (Dan B. also forwarded me a link to the post.) There's a lot of statistical hocus-pokery in the post, so go read it for yourself, but here's the money shot:

"As we pointed out before Sunday's Game 1, in Mavs playoffs games worked by Crawford from 2001-to-2005, the Mavs record was 0-8. (Those years, Dallas was 41-37 in games NOT worked by Crawford.) Now we're updated to this additional info: Since 2001, the Mavs are 53-50 overall in playoffs. Dallas record when Crawford is NOT working the game is 52-35. Dallas' record when Crawford IS working the Mavs game is...1-15. Want more? The one Mavs win under Crawford's watch was in the 2006 Phoenix series, a Dallas blowout victory. Also in 2006, in the NBA Finals, guess who worked Game 3 against the Heat, when Dwyane Wade was allowed to shoot as many FTs (18) as the entire Mavs team made, all leading to Dallas’ two-point loss? That would be Danny Crawford. And in Game 6, when the Mavs lost by three points? And Wade shot 21 free throws, two fewer than the number shot by the entire Mavs team? Danny Crawford strikes again. Seriously, Danny Crawford is the damned Grim Reaper."

Well, chalk up another Dallas loss in a Danny Crawford-officiated game. The Mavs were +10 in fouls and the Nuggets were +23 in FTAs. I'm sure David Stern has already dismissed this as coincidence.

Jason Kidd: Now that Chauncey Billups is done abusing the Young Turk (Chris Paul), he's moved on to embarrassing the Future Hall of Famer. Kidd attempted only 6 shots and finished with more missed field goals (5) than points (4). He did have 6 boards and 7 assists, but was nonetheless outplayed by Mr. Big Shot (18 points, 8 assists, 3 steals.)

Josh Howard: Rick Carlisle recently described Howard as the team's "most important" player. Well, Mr. Most Important ended up with more sprained ankles (2) than points (0) and played only six minutes. So between Howard's gimpiness and Crawford's sinister hatred, you could probably chalk this Dallas loss under "extenuating circumstances." But still.

PJ Carlesimo, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Nominated by t-rocc: "Rick Carlise, he's like the little Dutch boy sticking his finger in the dike"

Lacktion report: After an off night (lacktion-wise), the lacktators were back, courtesy of two double-digit losses for the Hawks and Mavs. And Chris was there to report it:

Hawks-Cavs: The biggest names in the first game of the epic lacktion matchup -- Tarence Kinsey, Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, and Mario West -- somehow all failed to put out fully pitiful play. Luckily, several folks kept their non-clutch skills sharp for the second round.

Mike Woodson's oddball collection of bench folks, a former Suckramento King, and Joe Johnson provided ample opportunity for a couple of lacktators from the last round to continue their reverse momentum at the Q. Solomon Jones and Acie Law each spent 4:29 on the court, the wise man bringing home a fortune of 4.5 trillion (the first successful investment of the second round), and the legal expert missing one shot for a +1 suck differential.

The crustaceans under the command of Mike Brown crawled onto the shores of Lake Erie and proceeded to pinch away any hope for the dirty birds in the second half. Joe Smith showed why he was such an important catch for the Crabs by a slow 20:33 swim across the floor of the former Gund Arena, in which two boards (and one block) were negated by four bricks, one rejection, and three fouls for a slight 3:2 Voskuhl.

Mavs-Nuggets: Mark Cuban had to be impressed with the free flow of currency in Colorado tonight, as Matt Carroll belted out a tune of treasure with a 1.95 trillion. And the home team lit up a few human victory cigars as George Karl brought out the first synchronized trillionare trio in memory, with Renaldo Balkman, Jason Hart, and Johan Petro ALL scoring a 1.55 trillion!!!!!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, NBA playoffs, Worst of the Night

"Send...more...paramedics."
Pretty freaky, huh? That's the kind of scene that's usually preceded by the bloody guy explaining "I got mugged on the way home from work by some crackheads or something, and one of 'em bit me" followed shortly by somebody else saying/screaming, "Shane? Shane, what's wrong? What...what are you...NO! DON'T! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [fade to black]

Tha man responsible? Sasha Vujacic of course. Shocking.


Note: Bonus bawful points go to the first person who can correctly name the movie I quoted in the caption. AND NO FAIR GOOGLING.

Labels: Sasha Vujacic, Shane Battier, so much blood, zombies

Today's pic was sent in by the Headless Chicken, who was puzzled by the giant bulge in Kendrick Perkins' shorts. Did he dislocate his hip or was he just really happy to be bodied up to a "dominant" center? You be the judge.

The Boston Celtics: Well, nobody said defending the NBA title would be easy...but the Celtics are making it look REALLY hard. Last year, they lost in Boston only once during playoffs (in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals). As of last night's 95-90 loss to the Magic, the Celtics have now opened two consecutive playoff series by dropping Game 1 at home.

I don't know if there was a physical and emotional hangover from the Bulls series or what, but the Leprechauns came out flat-footed on offense and a step slow on defense. The Magic led by 18 at the half (54-36) and went up by 28 points (65-37) early in the third quarter, thanks mostly to some truly bawful shooting by the Celtics (38 percent for the game). But, of course, Orlando is one of those "let 'em back in the game" teams, so...

The Orlando Magic: It can truly be said that no deficit is safe against the Magic. They simply will not allow their opponents to get blown out. So that shoulda-been-safe 28-point lead got whittled all the way down to four with less than a minute to play and then to only three when Paul Pierce drilled a three-bomb with 6.6 seconds left. But Orlando got the ball to J.J. Redick, and he kicked in a couple fouls shots to seal the deal.

Despite the win, Stan Van Gundy was understandably unsettled. "The last 16 minutes was a debacle. We were sort of trying to run out the clock, and you can't do that in games like this. Especially in the playoffs, teams are going to keep fighting and keep coming back." Added Dwight Howard: "We got complacent as a team, stopped doing what we did to get the lead and against a good Celtics team you can't do that." Those are nice sentiments and all that, but this is the third time the Magicians have coughed up a 20-point lead in the playoffs. It might be time to, I don't know, make some adjustments.

Paul Pierce and Glen Davis, regret machines: Said The Truth: "We can't wait until we're down 25, 26 points until we wake up. There's no excuses for us not to be ready." Added Big Baby: "If we had played the rest of the game like the second half...it's hard to play from behind. That's what we did and we lost."

Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen: They combined to shoot 4-for-24 (including 1-for-9 from downtown). That's 16 percent field goal "accuracy" from two of your primary scorers, which probably isn't going to get it done. I mean, they made Stephon Marbury (4-for-6) look positively en fuego. Most interesting, to me, is the Curious Case of Rajon Rondo. He was on fire through the first five games of the Bulls series, going 48-for-94 (51 percent) from the field and 4-for-7 from beyond the arc. But since then, he's 8-for-37 (21 percent) and has missed all four of his three-point attempts. Maybe this is the Revenge of Brad Miller in action, because Rondo hasn't been himself since all the brouhaha surrounding the flagrant-that-wasn't-a-flagrant.

Update! Rajon Rondo's airballed free throw: I really can't believe I forgot about this one. Fortunately, eileen had my back and said: "Rondo's airballed free throw was the ugliest shot I've seen in a long, long time." (Huh. I guess eileen hasn't seen this.) Anyway, onto the video...


The Los Angeles Lakers: It all the hurry and hubub to crown the Lakers "The Lords of the West," someone forgot to tell them that they still have to win a certain number of games to reach the NBA Finals. I don't get it. It's like they haven't shifted into their playoff gear yet. Not consistently, anyway. They don't seem any more intense than they did during most of the regular season...and not even half as intense as they played during their two games against the Celtics. I mean, I know all that winning can get really boring, but c'mon.

Now Basketbawful reader Joseph T. feels there was a more sinister reason for L.A.'s Game 1 flopparoo. "I am a Lakers fan, and I admit they stunk up the joint last night. Kobe and Gasol couldn't find the bucket with a flashlight and a map. BUT...they didn't lose because of that. They had more rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks, made more shots, and had 3 fewer turnovers. How did they lose do you ask? Reverse Home Cooking. A MASSIVE 12 foul difference. Houston was called for 14 fouls, L.A.? 26. Houston also shot 10 more free throws as a direct result." I'm not sure I saw much of a problem with the officiating myself, particularly since Houston's last eight FTAs were the result of intentional fouls.

Meanwhile, Basketbawful reader Karc is predicting sweet, sweet oblivion for the Lakeshow: "And now the Lakers are officially in trouble. I mean, seriously, the Lakers had more shot attempts (+15), more rebounds (+2 total, +6 offensive), more assists (+1), fewer turnovers (-1), more blocks (+1), more steals (+3). And they still lost. Of course, that usually happens when a physical team psyches you out into fouling more (+12), making your best player take bad shots all night (14-for-31), and making the rest of the team live and die by the three (2-for-18). And this is not like the usual case where LA blows a huge lead. They never led in the second half. Not once. [Editor's note: L.A. actually did briefly take a one-point lead in the fourth.] Credit the Houston defense, or Kobe Bryant blowing a save (he is 'The Closer' after all). I almost want to say Houston will sweep them, because nothing that the Lakers did indicates that they can bounce back from this. And even if they do, Denver and Cleveland are ready to dish out the same, only with a better point guard (Billups) and the MVP of the league (James). Adios, Los Lakers."

Me, personally, I don't think the refs stole the game from the Lakers, nor that L.A. is in serious trouble. Yet. But they do need to amp up their intensity and (single entendre comig) keep it up, or they're going to fall into a pothole on their road to the championship...and break their face.

Lamar Odom: If you know anything about Odom, it's that once the playoff pressure is on, he's going to start shanking his foul shots. And, sure enough, he went 1-for-6 from the charity stripe last night.

Kobe Bryant: Stephanie G sent me an email that said: "Kobe is a dick. Just sayin'." And while that statement doesn't necessarily require any hard proof, she provided the following animated .gif as evidence anyway:


Phil Jackson: My buddy Craig from The Association sent me the following text last night: "Phil Jackson is showing his age. It took him 10 minutes to figure out that [Derek] Fisher can't guard [Aaron] Brooks." That made me realize, Phil hasn't been himself lately. I mean, playoff time is usually Jackson Time. That's when he finds new and interesting ways to inspire the troops, makes countless sly adjustments, works the refs, lobbies with the press and basically stays one mental step (or 10) ahead of his coaching counterparts. Maybe it's his physical health, or maybe he's just ready for retirement, but P-Jax doesn't seem to have the same 15+ pieces of flair he usually has. (And 15 is the bare minimum.)

Lacktion report: Last night was a little light on the lacktion, but Chris still came through with a few tasty morsels: "In Houston's somewhat shocking victory at Staples Center, Von Wafer -- the only lacktator tonight -- served up a delicious +5 suck differential in 7:50 via foul, two giveaways, and two bricks!"

Cleveland: Congratulations, folks. Your superhero is the NBA MVP and your basketball team is already getting finger measurements for their championship rings. But I have some bad news for you...you're still Cleveland. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that.


Accomplishments without perspective: By the way, some of you have been commenting or emailing me about all the noise being made about D-Wade's 100-block, 100-steal season. Here's a list of the 133 times that feat has been accomplished since the NBA started keeping track of blocked shots. (Otherwise I'm sure we'd see names like Wilt, Russell and Oscar -- among others -- on the list.) Not to demean what Pookie did, because it's pretty darn rare, but finding out that guys like Clarence Weatherspoon, Dan Roundfield and Oliver Miller have already done that sure take a little shine off of the apple, doesn't it?

Labels: Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Dan B. for today's pic.

The Atlanta Hawks in Miami: The most toothless road warriors in the NBA playoffs might as well have stayed in Atlanta to work on scrapbooking or further honing their fork-bending skills. The Hawks got smacked around in virtually every way a team can be smacked. Poor shooting? Check: 37 percent. Lousy rebounding? Check: The Heat had a 47-36 edge on the glass. Butterfingers? Double-checkity: Atlanta had almost twice as many turnovers (14) as assists (8). In fact, their blocks against (5) almost matched their assist total. By the end of this brutal 48 minutes, the Dirty Birds had scored a poultry (get it?) 72 points and lost by 26. Oh, and four of their five starters (Mike Bibby, Joe Johnson, Josh Smith and Mo Evans) finished with a plus-minus score of at least -20.

Heat-Hawks, Part I: Here's what Tim Reynolds, AP sports writer, had to say after Game 6: "So a wild back-and-forth series—three routs for the Hawks, three routs for the Heat—will be decided Sunday in Atlanta. ... The wacky run of outcomes continued: Atlanta's wins have been by 26, 10 and 15 points. The Heat have prevailed by 15, 29 and 26 points." I particularly enjoyed the deceptive use of words like "wild" and "wacky." Not only do they in no way apply to this matchup, they encourage the incorrect notion that the series has been worth watching...when it clearly has not. I think I'd rather watch the entire 65-episode run of Jem and the Holograms. Twice. And that is truly, truly, truly outrageous.

David Stern: So Rajon Rondo can throw an elbow and not get suspended despite the league's continuing effort to punish players for throwing elbows? Ooooookay. Thanks for the continuing and consistent inconsistency, Dave.

Game 7 of Bulls-Celtics: Look, we all sort of knew in our hearts that there was no way this one could live up to the expectations set by Games 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6, right? How could it? How many game-breaking shots and soul-crushing overtimes could a series possibly have? This one had already almost doubled the old record of four overtimes. And if you were a betting man and/or woman, wouldn't you have put your money on the team with championship experience over the one with the rookie point guard AND the rookie (and regularly clueless) head coach? Neither team played all that well, but the Bulls played worse and executed less, shooting 39 percent, getting knuckle-rapped in the paint and -- worst of all -- letting the Eddie House/Brian Scalabrine combo burn them for 24 points on 6-for-7 from downtown. Think about that: Chicago's inability to contain House and Scal probably cost them the game. That and the fact that Vinny Del Negro still hasn't figured out how to coach a defensive rotation. Mind you, the Bulls kept things close, mostly because the Celtics bricked nine free throws, so Boston wasn't free of bawfulry. (Although the C's Boston did hot all 11 of their foul shots in the last 2 minutes.)

Anyway, it was a decent game. But it was pretty much destined to be a bit of a letdown. It wasn't quite Ghostbusters II, but it was close.

Craig Y. wrote in with a couple officiating questions/comments: "Not only the questionable calls during the course of the game but two stand out: 1) How is it Perkins is called for a tech for grabbing his shoulder after getting multiple body blows from Miller cause that is all he did on the play? 2) The call near the end of the first half when Hinrich stole the ball from Pierce, fell down and the refs call a foul on Pierce who was a good four feet from the play." Quick answers: Perk screamed a complaint at the ref for not calling some of those earlier body blows. (And I would guess the officials were letting that contact go because nobody in this series has delivered as many potshots as Kendrick.) As for the Pierce foul, Paul grabbed Kirk immediately after he pilfered the ball, and the ref came in with a late whistle because Hinrich lost the ball. A lot of times refs let those little touch/grab fouls go unless (they believe) it causes a turnover or missed shot.

More from Basketbawful reader DKH: "Wow, apparently Doc Rivers is complaining about the Chicago bench hassling his players. No irony there. Anyway, worst-of to the NBA for doing everything they can to ensure the outcome of this series. Sidenote: How much does Brad Miller lumber into everything? Every time he goes to pick someone, I can't believe he gets there in time. (As I was typing this, he got in the passing lane and picked off the ball, though.)"

Halftime interview selection: From Basketbawful reader J.T. Magee: "The only bawful thing so far [in the Bulls-Celtics game], besides playing Brad Miller more than Tyrus Thomas, which is why they're losing at the half, is the fact that David Aldridge interviewed Brian Scalabrine instead of, well, any other Celtic." Choice Scals quote, from Chris (regarding Boston's in-the-point domination): "We're getting penetration, and we're getting wide open." Couldn't David have at least spent a little time talking about Brian's headbandage? Speaking of Scal...

Update! Brian Scalabrine: From Ruben: "I know that Scal had a very good game by his own standards, but you should definitely mention that block by Rose. When I saw that I laughed so hard, thinking that it must have been devastating! Credit to Scal though, because he didn't turn into Stephon 'afraid to shoot' Marbury, and made some big shots.


Paul Pierce: From Basketbawful reader Ignarus: "I'd like to put of a WotW nomination for Paul Pierce's horrible, horrible mutton chops. I rarely get on anyone's case about hair, but he's got the hair version of a strangulated hernia glued to the sides of his face." Seriously, do you think anyone's told him? I mean, I rely on my friends to tell me when I do something that makes me look like a damn fool. Does Paul have friends like that? Or would that get somebody kicked out of the posse? (Note also that it's tough to be too hard on Pierce's face-fuzz after a series that starred Joakim Noah's head-bush.)

The Miami Heat: They just didn't look like a team that was ready to win in the playoffs. Mario Chalmers (1-for-6, 4 assists, 3 turnovers) looked lost. Michael Beasley finished with 17 points and 7 boards but, at times, didn't look that into the game. Jermaine O'Neal, who sat out of Game 6 with a concussion, played just 42 seconds after being cleared by doctors before the game. (Which means that he and Moon, the two castoffs from Toronto, were both unavailable for this do-or-die game.) And Dwyane Wade spent the entire second half looking kind of pissy...mostly because he was killing himself and yet his team was never in the game after the first quarter. (At times, particularly when he was jawing at Beasley, it looked like Pookie had taken a page out of the Kobe Bryant's 2006 novella, "Browbeat Your Teammates To Success." Anyway, their season finally ended in a 91-78 laugher, but not before a little needless drama...

Udonis Haslem: Late in the game, with the conclusion pretty much decided -- the Atlanta fans were already singing "Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!" -- Haslem did this:


Memo to Udonis: You can't foul an opponent around the face or neck and avoid a flagrant and potential ejection...unless you're Rajon Rondo. Haslem gets bonus points for his post-ejection tantruma and angry tossing of his jersey into the crowd. Way to stay classy, Udonis.

Heat-Hawks, Part II: What a fitting end to a crummy series. Seven games, seven double-digit losses. There were exactly 10 lead changes in the ENTIRE series, and all of those happened in the first quarter. Think about that: The lead never changed hands after the first 12 minutes in seven straight games. Even the Associated Press was bored. According to the AP recap: "A series totally devoid of drama ended in appropriate fashion. After a back-and-forth first quarter that ended with Atlanta ahead 20-18, the Hawks pulled out to a 49-36 lead by halftime." But wait, there's more. You want to know how boring this series has been? Check out this excerpt from the AP game notes: "The late-arriving crowd of 18,864 was just short of a capacity, ending Atlanta's streak of six straight playoff sellouts." When a Game 7 featuring an extremely popular home team and one of the three best players in the league doesn't sell out...you KNOW there's a problem.

The Dallas Maverick: Man, there was a lot of talk about how hot these guys have been, especially after the way they handled the Spurs. But people who were hoping for a second-coming of Bulls-Celtics had to be pretty bummed out when the Mavs fell on their face in Denver. Dallas was actually up 24-16 after the first quarter and then got outscored by 22 points the rest of the way. The Nuggets turned off their targeting computers and "Forced" their way to 55 percent shooting behind 'Melo (7-for-10), Nene (9-for-13) and J.R. Smith (7-for-13). And the Mavericks took a break from not defending only to bumble away the ball (20 turnovers). On the bright side, if you're a Dallas fan, is that the Mavs probably won't be able to play any worse in Game 2.

Rick Carlisle, "blame the refs" machine: Carlisle spent some time after his team's staggering loss insinuating that Dirk was getting abused...but not getting the calls. "I'll look at that closely, and if the referees were right they were right. But he's being played very physically, away from the floor where the rules are different than in post play. We'll look at it and if there's a complaint to be made we'll talk to the league about it."

Marc Stein, unintentionally dirty writing machine: Basketbawful reader catfish noticed this quote in today's Daily Dime: "The Mavs also suffered the indignity of watching Jason Terry, their newly minted Sixth Man Award winner, make less noise than three Denver subs: Andersen, Anthony Carter and Sixth Man Award runner-up J.R. Smith, who had 15 points and six rebounds in repeatedly punishing the visitors with his penetration."

Weekend lactivity roundup: Chris proves that even playoff elimination games can have lacktion:

Heat-Hawks Game 6: In the least interesting seven-game series in memory, lacktion was the name of the game for both Mike Woodson and Erik Spoelstra. When Mario West ruined a six minute sleep-inducing stint with a made shot, Marvin Williams decided to get it on with a +4 suck differential in 4:49 via brick, turnover, rejection, and foul. Meanwhile, the Heat celebrated their blowout win by both giving Dorrell Wright a check for 3.05 trillion and having Yakhouba Diawara toss three bricks in the same amount of time (3:04) -- twice from the charity stripe - for a +3.

Bulls-Celtics: As the Celtics successfully defended home court one last time in the first round, the upstart Bulls served notice that they will be a force for years to come, with a successful array of lacktators. Lindsey Hunter has won the NBA title twice, so he understood the value of unproducitivity in any championship run; his +1 suck differential via foul in 2:17 showed The Notorious VDN that he can be counted on to provide potential victory-clinching celebration in the future when the Bulls get good enough to start garbage time early in the 4th quarter.

Heat-Hawks Game 7: In the most forgettable Game 7 in a most forgettable series, lacktators took the spotlight in a one-sided Atlanta victory - appropriate as the Hawks-Cavs matchup that resulted promises to be an All-Lacktion classic. But first off it's time to recap the merciful end to this all-Southern sleep contest.

Miami had two of its usual lacktators on the case as the game was close early - Yakhouba Diawara withdrawing 3.45 trillion from his bank account, and Jamaal Magloire negating a board in 3:30 with a giveaway and foul for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

The biggest surprise however has to be Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. When he was acquired by the Heat, nobody expected him to pan out to the same level of mediocrity that his former teammate Jake Voskuhl demonstrated in the Land Before Time. Instead, O'Neal surprised everyone by running across the platform in Level 1-2 -- http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4675261/94124_Full.jpg - and finishing off his game in a mere 42 seconds, a surprisingly robust Mario: one brick and two fouls for a +3 suck differential AND a 2:0 Voskuhl!!!!!

Mario West ironically enough did not score a Mario -- or for that matter, any lacktivity (thanks to an unwanted assist and steal). Luckily his teammates showed that they are prepared for the epic lacktion battle in the next round against Darnell and Tarence, as Acie Law vetoed productivity in favor of a 2.75 trillion check, and Randolph Morris gave up the rock once for a +1 in 1:59, also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl (Morris's second in three games).

Mavs-Nuggets: The very first game of the second round provided George Karl an opportunity late to provide the home fans with their human victory cigars. Linas Kleiza fouled once and missed from downtown for a +2 in 7:02, while Jason Hart makes his third lacktive appearance of the postseason by firmly fitting into a Power Glove for a 38-second Mario!

Andrew Bynum: From Basketbawful reader Sun Devil:

DISCLAIMER: I am a Blazer fan

DISCLAIMER: As a Blazer fan, I like to jab at Lakers fans

Yes Greg Oden has had a sometimes strong, but mostly underwhelming rookie year. This has been noticeable in the playoffs.

But!!!

I'm just going to leave Andrew Bynum's stats right here:

Game 1: 7 points 3 rebounds 5 fouls
Game 2: 10 points 4 rebounds 2 fouls
Game 3: 4 points 2 rebounds 5 fouls
Game 4: 2 points 1 rebound 2 fouls
Game 5: 2 points 5 rebounds 2 fouls

And that's against the freakin' Jazz! They don't have Yao Ming!

Anyway, I'm fine with ragging on Greg, but let's not forget about Mr Bynum

Tracy McGrady: His humiliation became almost complete when the AP ran a story about how the new "mature" Ron Artest has become the heart of the Houston Rockets. The choice quote: "He's been key to the success of a team that was all but written off when Tracy McGrady had season-ending knee surgery in February." So not only did his team finally break out of the first round AFTER he was lost for the season due to "injury," but RON ARTEST became the hero in his absence. Seriously, at this point the only way Knee-Mac could possibly feel any worse would be if the Rockets went on to win a title. (By the way, did you know that his injury took his passion for the game? Did you know he HAD passion for the game? Yeah, I was shocked too. By the way, check out that article and you'll notice that Tracy repeatedly makes a point of how hard he works in the offseason. Maybe he's been reading Basketbawful...?)

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs

"Ha, ha, ha...shave my feet, minion!"
I'm freaking exhausted. This Bulls-Celtics series is KILLING me. But wow, how lucky am I? My two favorite teams are competing in what has become the closest and most competitive series in NBA history. Seven -- count 'em! -- seven overtime sessions...SO FAR. That total beats the old NBA record by three overtimes! In fact, no other team has ever even had as many OTs in an ENTIRE postseason. Honestly, I feel like I should be typing this entire paragraph in all caps. It's crazy.

Despite the truly epic nature of last night's triple overtime game, there was still plenty of 'bawful. Like Rondo's flagrant fouls (more on that below), Ben Gordon's remorseless gunnery/foul out/temper tantrum, Derrick Rose's game-high 5 turnovers (giving him 25 in the last four games), Kirk Hinrich's ridiculous missed layup attempt in the third OT (he never should have taken the shot), the fact that Kirk's missed layup was goaltended by Rondo but the refs didn't call it, the fact that Paul Pierce got pilfered and then fouled out by Joakim Noah on a single, game-changing play, the continuing suck-ass play of the Boston bench, John Salmons' forced three-pointer (that hit nothing but air) near the end of regulation, that sequence when the Bulls gave up a 23-3 run (including one 18-0 spurt) after going up 12 to fall behind by 8, Aaron Gray's forgettable 43-second Mario, Big Baby's moving pick to set up Ray Allen for a game-tying three-pointer, Rondo getting his shot smother-chickened by D-Rose at the end of the game...

...but even all those things are just nitpicks. That was one of the most incredible games I've ever seen. Maybe the most incredible. So no, I'm not giving it an official WotN entry. But I will give one to...

Rajon Rondo: The video says it all (via Jai, who proves that Basketbawful has the best CAPTCHA script on the Internets):


Here's the million dollar question: Will the league stick by the precedent its set (most recently with Dwight Howard) and suspend Rondo for whistling an elbow past Captain Kirk's face during that altercation, or will David Stern make a "business decision" and overlook it so as to not diminish a possibly epic ending to one of the NBA's all-time great playoff series? My guess: Stern will cop out and sacrifice integrity for $$.

Vinny Del Negro, "needs to calm down" machine: Basketbawful reader Kelly M. provided this picture of Vinny's...erection?! I'm speechless. (By the way, Kelly Tweets and needs followers. You know what to do.)


The Philadelphia 76ers: They got what they wanted: Dwight Howard was suspended for Game 6 in Philadelphia. Plus, the Magicians also were without Courtney Lee -- who had been truly fantastic through the first four games -- because Superman nearly killed him with an elbow in Game 5. Facing an opponent minus their best player AND their standout rookie, the Sixers had every reason to expect a series-tying victory that would send the proceedings back to Orlando for a do-or-die Game 7. So what happened? Philly stunk up the joint and got hammered 114-89 at home, where they will be staying for the rest of the playoffs while Orlando moves on to face the quivering remains of whatever comes out of the Bulls-Celtics series.

The Sixers shot 40 percent, finished with nearly as many turnovers (16) as assists (17), and they got beaten on the boards (41-36) despite the fact that Howard, the league's leading rebounder during the regular season AND the playoffs, was Twittering madly from his hotel room. (Examples: "aaaaaahh got yall i cant tell yall. its real bad real bad michael jackson lol. see if yall can get that" and "i wish i was playin. i never intended to hurt nebody or my team.") And their defense was bad enough to put another couple cracks in the Liberty Bell. Sans Superman, the Magic converted nearly 54 percent of their field goal attempts. Rafer Alston (21 points, 8-for-16, 10 assists) looked like an All-Star PG, Marcin Gortat (11 points, 15 rebounds, 4 steals) dropped the Polish Hammer and even J.J. Redick was unstoppable from downtown (5-for-7). Oh, and let's not forget Rashard Lewis' game-high 29 points on 11-for-22 shooting. Basically, the only Magic players Philly stopped were the ones who didn't play.

Was it really that bad? Well, their own fans booed them off the court at the end of the third quarter, so you tell me. Actually, it felt like the perfect ending to a sad and disappointing season in which the Sixers -- who dropped serious coin for the injured-and-not-playing Elton Brand -- were supposed to challenge for Eastern Conference supremacy. Instead, they bowed out in pathetic fashion at home against an undermanned opponent. Super playoff fail. Speaking of which...

Samuel Dalembert: From Basketbawful reader Mladen: "Looks like our boy Gortat's been reading Basketbawful. Probably moved by your story, he decided to posterize not one, but two 'defenders,' one of which was Samuel Dalembert, who fell on the floor afterwards. Simply bawful." Indeed.


Dwight Howard: When the TNT crew was discussing the Magic-Sixers game during halftime of Celtics-Bulls, they said outright that Orlando was...wow...better without Howard. And they were NOT kidding. Andre Miller said the same thing after the game, and even claimed that at least one of Dwight's teammates thinks the same thing: "They're actually better without Dwight Howard. One of their players told me that they were better without Dwight Howard. They said the ball moves quicker. They're not standing around a lot." I'm going to have to think a little bit more about whether I believe that's actually the case, but I suppose you could make the argument that last night's game was pretty damning evidence that Miller's statement is on the money.

The Portland Trail Blazers: The 2008-09 Blazers will be forever remembered as "The Team That Finally Let Yao Ming Escape His First-Round Prison." And lest we all forget, Henry Abbott devoted a huge (and, for him, semi-controversial) TrueHoop mega-post (with statistical backup singing from number-crunching extraordinaires John Hollinger and Justin Kubatko) to explaining why the Blazers were the most-likely Western Conference team to upend the Lakers. And yet here they are, no more than a first-round sacrifice to a Ron Artest-led Rockets team that nobody trusted...even when they were lucky enough to lose Knee-Mac for the season.

Yes. Yes, it's true. Ron Artest. Dude entered last night's game knocking down a dismal 37.7 percent of his shots for the series. And it felt even worse than that. I mean, the Blazers wanted, nay, were BEGGING him to chuck up the rock. Big mistake. Ron-Ron scored a game-high 27 points on 11-for-21 from the field, including 8-for-10 from inside the arc. Houston put Portland in an early hole and the Blazers never could climb out. The closest they got was to within 13 during the fourth quarter, but the final score (92-76) is representative of the cakewalk it was for the Rockets. And there was no glaring reason for the blowout. The Blazers shot a little worse and didn't take care of the ball as well, but they earned more free throws and won the rebounding battle. That's the kicker, you know? Portland wasn't terrible...Houston was just better. Like, pretty clearly better.

(One last note: You should all go check out the comments section of that TrueHoop post I linked to above. Wild Yams got skewered for his common-sense viewpoints. So, tell us, Yams...how does redemption feel?)

Greg Oden: His line (3 points, 1-for-3, 6 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 4 fouls in 16 minutes) just screamed Kwame Brown to me for some reason. It's just stunning to me, like finding an entire human foot in your bowl of Fruity Pebbles. This old man-child was supposed to be The Next Great Center, remember? A sure thing. A slam dunk. Had the Celtics won the NBA draft lottery in 2007, Danny Ainge would have selected Oden and not only would Boston not have won the title last season, I'd be willing to bet Paul Pierce might not even be wearing the green and white right now. Funny how things work out. Speaking of which...

Tracy McGrady: Just think...if Knee-Mac had spent last summer working out and rehabbing like, say, a Kobe Bryant would have, he might have that "Never Been Out Of The First Round" monkey off his back RIGHT NOW. Oh, Tracy, oh how you have failed. I am being completely serious when I say that, at this point, the only way McGrady's story could be any more tragic was if he got diagnosed with a life-threatening disease or a chunk of the International Space Station broke off, entered orbit and fell directly on his car while he was driving it.

Ron Artest, postgame interview machine: Via Wild Yams:


Speaking of quotes...

P.J. Carlisimo, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader David E: "After Ron Artest grabbed a steal with about four minutes left in the 4th, P.J. Carlisimo rasped out 'The only guy I remember with hands as strong as Artest was Karl Malone. He used to strip guys all the time.'"

The NBA: As Henry Abbot put it (with some small sense of bitterness): "Vinny Del Negro, you remember when you used to single cover Paul Pierce in his favorite spot with the game on the line? If would have had the decency to do that at the end of regulation, perhaps this game might have ended in time for the nation to see some of the first half of the most important game in recent Trail Blazer and Rocket history. (It really is amazing, though. All Game 6s should be televised somewhere. Couldn't NBATV pick that up?)" Although, in all fairess to the league, that games really wasn't worth watching, especially with Celtics-Bulls going on.

Lacktion report: Now watch Chris make sweet love to this lacktion. Or read. Whatever.

Magic-Sixers: Without Dwight Howard, the Magic STILL laid down the law at Wachovia Center, advancing to the second round. Theo Ratliff exemplified Philadelphia's fulity with a Voskuhl in 4:57 after negating a board and block with a brick, giveaway, and two fouls for a 3:1 ratio.

Celtics-Bulls: In a triple-overtime epic that will be talked about for years to come...several notable lacktators managed to avoid contributions through the 63 minute spectacle!

Boston's bench has been considered their Achilles heel for some time, and when Brad Miller's 23 points is more than twice the total of the warmup-wearers in green, that's a sure sign that something's wrong. Stephon Marbury may be all about Starbury.com, but tonight was a big shout out to Basketbawful.com with a +4 in 7:58 via foul and three missed shots, once all the way out from the Loop! Mikki Moore paid tribute to his Suckramento days with a statline that would make Kenny Natt proud: +1 via brick in 2:50.

Vinny Del Negro's upstarts weren't all about making clutch shots or amazing final-minute blocks in the third overtime, as two of them chose to take a trip to the local pizzeria for some sodas and spaghetti. Linton Johnson and Aaron Gray were Chicago's Mario Brothers for the evening, with respective stints of 15 and 43 seconds.

Blazers-Rockets: Clutch The Bear gets to see the second round for the first time in ages, and Chucky Hayes, in his third lacktive appearance this postseason, decided to slowly dial up his stockbroker for a 1.5 trillion to celebrate the momentous occasion! (This makes Chucky the first two-time money man in the playoffs.)

The zombie apocalypse: I warned you. I warned you all. Now I'm vindicated. From Wild Yams: "Mr. Bawful, since you brought up the impending zombie apocalypse, you'll be happy to know that swine flu has already begun turning people into zombies: 'After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during 'resurrection.' Also, if you're not sure if you may have already contracted swine flu, be sure to use this helpful website to diagnose yourself."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Houston Rockets, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night