How bad is the swine flu pandemic? Well, you know it's pretty bad when the world's flu experts start breaking out words that 89 percent of high school seniors probably don't know. (Pandemic means "prevalent over a whole area, country, etc." by the way.) But how's this for perspective: Mexico is shutting down. The whole country. FOR FIVE DAYS. You can now join me in saying, "Holy sh*t!"

But let's not freak out too badly, okay? I mean, unless the world's governments are using this as a cover for a zombie apocalypse -- and I haven't ruled that out just yet -- then the swine flu isn't something we haven't faced before. And beaten. Like back in the 1970s, when the following super-awesome PSA was made. Now, normally I wouldn't give something like this its own post...except for its rather comical juxtaposition of race, which is totally basketball-related.

At the 14-second mark, we are introduced to two young black men, dressed in grubby-looking t-shirts and jeans, playing basketball in what seems to be a schoolyard. One of them takes a quick breather to say, "Swine flu? Man, I'm too fast to let it catch me." (You then see him in bed with a thermometer in his mouth, presumably near death.) Next we see a white man. Or should I say, The White Man. Older, well-spoken, suited up, obviously wealthy and powerful with a huge desk and big comfy office. And he doesn't play some poor man's (i.e., black man's) sport like basketball. He plays GOLF. Every weekend! That's right, GOLF. The rich man's game. The white man's game.

In the big scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. After all, a lot has changed since the 1970s. Disco is dead (except for in certain prominent gay dance clubs), bell-bottoms (dorky!) are now referred to as boot-cuts (cool!), a black man is the best golfer on the planet, and a black basketball player is President of the United States. So, you know, those people in the 70s might as well have been living on Pluto. Which, as it happens, was a planet in 1970 but has since been reclassified as a mere dwarf planet...and only the second-largest one of those in our solar system. But it's still pretty funny to see how laughingly backward our Plutonian forbears were just a few short decades ago.

Labels: race relations, swine flu, zombies

If there is a God, and He reads Basketbawful, then I can only pray that He will one day grant me the opportunity to interview Ron Artest. Forget Shaq. Artest is the true MQE (Most Quotable Ever). In his latest oratorical masterpiece, Ron informs us that Brandon Roy is better than Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (even though "his defense is kind of suspect"), names "a guy from my hood from Queensbridge, a guy named Mike Chatfer, he went to jail a couple of years" as the best player he's ever played against, and states flatly that Charles Barkley was overrated ("He was a little small -- he didn't have no defense.") His crazy is much better suited to aimless talking than brawling. We need a Ron Artest reality show, immediately.


[From ClutchFans, via AK Dave.]

Labels: crazy people, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science

Not in New Orleans, apparently.
The NBA: I guess it wouldn't be the playoffs without a whole bunch of controversy surrounding the officiating, and just think, we're only in the first round! After Tuesday's debacles which had the whole internets all atwitter over the Dwight Howard elbow and Rajon Rondo slap/punch, and the way the refs blew both calls, potentially costing the underdogs in those series the games (and maybe the series); the NBA followed up the reffing snafu with a partial front office snafu. They correctly decided to suspend Dwight Howard for Game 6, sending the message that just cause you punch someone in the head with your elbow, it's still a punch, and still punishable with a suspension (if not an ejection). But then the league office followed that decision up by announcing that Rajon Rondo's foul was just a shooting foul and was not flagrant, sending the message that in crunch time be sure to knock a guy trying to hit a game winner in the head, because that's just smart basketball.

Now, I understand why the NBA felt it had to go this route with the Rondo play, because if they had upgraded it to a flagrant one, it essentially would have been like telling the Bulls "sorry, we blew that one, you probably should have ended up winning that game," and you know the NBA really didn't want to do that. On the other hand, if they'd upgraded the foul to a flagrant two then it would have been like saying "Sorry Bulls, you should have won that last game, but to make up for it, how bout we try to make up for it by unnecessarily suspending one of Boston's best players for the next game?" This is why nobody should be hoping and waiting for the NBA's league offices to clean up the messes a day after the refs make them. Just empower the refs to use instant replay at their discretion so we can avoid these kinds of costly errors.

OK, now on to why the NBA is up for last night's Worst Of. Clearly after this dog and pony show for the press and all us fans, you could tell that the NBA pulled the refs for tonight's game aside and told them to really bring the hammer down on any hard fouls. That's the only explanation for why some rather standard light pushing and staring down of players under the basket in the Heat-Hawks game resulted in four technical fouls, and why a rather innocuous block from Dwyane Wade resulted in a flagrant one foul. You can see the two plays for yourself below, the first one is at the 42-second mark and the second one is at the 59-second mark:


The Miami Heat: With the series tied 2-2 every game is huge, especially Game 5 which determines who is on the verge of advancing to the next round, and who is on the verge of elimination. With that as the backdrop, the Heat came out and got flat out embarrassed, allowing themselves to be outscored in the 2nd quarter 39-20 en route to a 23 point halftime lead that basically turned the second 24 minutes of the game into extended garbage time. The game was so out of hand in the second half that Josh Smith tried a between his legs dunk on a breakway fast break which missed so badly it barely drew iron. Michael Beasley and Dwayne Wade were the only Heat players which really came to play last night, and even they didn't play that great, as Beasley got his 18 points on 5-12 shooting and 23 of Wade's 29 points came in the second half when the game was already basically over.

Josh Smith: From Stotts Era: "Gotta, gotta, gotta give a WOTN to Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks...with the game well in hand for the Hawks, J-Smooth on a breakaway, does up for a dunk in which he passes the ball between his legs!! This is not the dunk contest, Josh. Anyways of course he bricks the dunk and Frattelo says "You wonder if he'll ever learn." Josh Smith, easily the most immature 5 year veteran ever." And here's the video. Go to the 1:30 mark.


Update! Hawks radio announcer Steve Holman of 790 The Zone: (From Larry Brown Sports Via Ball Don't Lie) Last night, Steve redefined homerism in a way that would make Bobby "The Brain" Heenan blush. Key quotes: "You can't foul me when I go to the basket, I have a hurt head. I'm Dwyane Wade. I do commercials." "Look, I'm Dwyane Wade, you can't call that!" and "Oh my goodness, the Heat have resorted to thuggery!"


The New Orleans Hornets: Doesn't it seem like it wasn't too long ago that the Hornets were considered one of the favorites to win the NBA title this year? How quickly things can change. Fresh off the worst playoff defeat in NBA playoffs history (at home, no less), the Hornets ended their season with their fourth defeat in the first round of 15 points or more, losing in Denver 107-86. New Orleans came out wanting to show the world that they hadn't quit, by playing the Nuggets to a tie through the first 30 minutes of the game. Of course, after that valiant effort, the Hornets then went ahead and quit anyway, letting Denver go on a 24-4 run which iced it. Including the playoffs the Hornets finished the year by losing 8 of their last 11 games. This is the first time Denver has advanced to the second round in 15 years and was the first 7-game series the Nuggets had won in almost a quarter of a century.

Chris Paul: It wasn't nearly as bad as the 4 points, 6 assists and 6 turnovers he had in Game 4, but with the hopes of his whole team riding on his back he needed to come up bigger last night than 12 points on 16 shots. He did chip in 10 assists and 6 boards in 46 minutes of play though, and honestly it's tough to fault Paul too much considering the amount of physical abuse he suffered this whole series. It's too bad Paul's team didn't have his back more with all the hits he took at the hands of the Nuggets.

Lacktion report: Even with only two games, Chris was wallowing in lacktivity.

Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire racked up a brick and rejection for a +2 in 5:01, his second straight game with a suck differential!

Atlanta brought out multiple human victory cigars with varying results: Mario West ruined a potential eleven trillion with an assist, but Acie Law laid down a brick from downtown and a giveaway for a +2 in 4:59, while Randolph Morris took a foul and brick for his own +2 in 3:21 (that also notched a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl). And Thomas Gardner raked in a payday of 1.35 trillion!

Hornets-Nuggets: Lacktivity was in abundance in yet another thwacking by Denver, the conclusion to their first playoff series victory in 15 years. First off was Byron Scott's duo of dubiousness, as Julian Wright flew into the ledger with a brick-and-foul +2 in 3:57, while Ryan "Absolutely Not Bruce" Bowen saw his teammate's unproductivity and upped the ante by adding a rejection to his own identical stats for a +3 in 1:38.

Not to be outdone, George Karl sent out several walking embodiments of nicotine to celebrate his first series conquest as Nuggets coach. Jason Hart took one foul for a +1 in 1:37, while Renaldo Balkman scored a Mario 64 (not a true Mario, but a 64 second stint!) with one brick from the steps of the Denver Mint for +1.

The ESPN Playoff Ticker: Several of you loyal 'bawfulites pointed out a little problem with The Network's ability to track series standings. Unless, of course, the first round just got a whole lot longer and nobody told us about it.



Associated Press, unintentionally dirty headline machine: Basketbawful reader Joel P. drew my attention to perhaps the greatest headline in the history of Western Civilization: Girl beats off muggers with marching band baton. Said Joel: "I'm no editor, but unless the editor was living with Borat for the past 20 years, they should have caught this one...plus pondering exactly how one 'beats off' a mugger with a baton is going to occupy my brain for much longer than it should."

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chris Paul, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, officiating

Thanks to Dan B. and Shayan of Mediocre Forever for today's pic.

The Chicago Bulls: Last night's 106-104 overtime loss is what you'd call a "missed opportunity," but only if you were trying to keep from using really offensive language that might offend most women and frighten small forest animals. The Bulls had their hoof on the Leprechaun's throat. They were THIS CLOSE to stealing his lucky charms and enjoying those pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes and red balloons...I'm getting all hungry just THINKING about it. But instead of stomping down with that hoof and crushing the life out of their injury-riddled and increasingly weary foe, they backed off and let the C's work their playoff magic.

It didn't help that Ben Gordon gunned his way to an awful 6-for-21 shooting performance. BG was playing bravely on an strained hamstring, but the last time I checked, that sort of injury shouldn't affect shot selection. Derrick Rose continued to struggle with the concept of holding onto the ball, and his 6 turnovers were a game-high. (He now has 20 turnovers in the last three games. Ouch.) Kendrick Perkins (19 points, 7 blocks) and Big Baby (21 points, 7-for-11 from the field, 7-for-8 from the line, about 29 brutal picks) dominated the paint. Vinny Del Negro refused to call for time until a Boston run had cut his team's 11-point fourth-quarter lead to just two. He also failed to capitalize on the absence of Ray Allen (who fouled out after only 26 minutes of airtime) to trap or even apply a little added pressure to Paul Pierce, who hit a 15-footer to force overtime and then knocked down three straight long jumpers in the extra session to stab the Bulls in the heart, El Matador-style.

But even after all that, the Bulls still had a chance to win, except for...

Iffy officiating: Matt Moore has asked us all to lay off the officials, and for the most part, I'm totally cool with that. But come on, now. Brad Miller got straight-up clubbed at the end of the game. The NBA’s official rule on flagrant fouls states: "A flagrant foul-penalty (1) is unnecessary contact committed by a player against an opponent. A flagrant foul-penalty (2) is unnecessary and excessive contact committed by a player against an opponent. It is an unsportsmanlike act and the offender is ejected immediately." Well, Brad Miller was bleeding from the mouth, had a tooth knocked loose and looked like he would have had trouble spelling his name. Brad needed stitches to close the wound and, for all we know, he might have even thought he was the Batman. That sure sounds like "unnecessary and excessive contact" to me. But it wasn’t a flagrant. Also, notice the closed hand that looks almost fist-like.


It's funny. Back in March, Trevor Ariza hit Rudy Fernandez in the head from behind and got treated like some sort of deranged serial killer. But I guess that play was different because Rudy, who was airborne at the moment of contact, got injured, and because Ariza is bigger than Fernandez. In this case, Miller was the big man, and he's certainly not a threat to leave the ground unless launched from a very sturdy catapult. Oh, and the Ariza-Fernandez incident occurred during the regular season, whereas this is the postseason, which made Rondo's mugging of Miller just a good, hard playoff foul, right? Riiiiiiight. And I'm sure that seeing double at the line didn't affect Miller's free throw shooting, either. I mean, 80 percent career foul shooters usually wobble up to the line and shank their first attempt while putting it up cross-eyed. Happens all the time.

Look, I understand there's no guarantee that the game would have turned out any differently had the officials made the correct call. But still.

Kevin Garnett: Did anybody else notice KG tongue-lashing an impassive Ben Gordon last night (as beautifully illustrated below)? Way to stay classy, Kevin. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure there are rules prohibiting a player on the bench from verbally abusing an opponent who happens to be strolling by. But you know, the refs have a history of turning a blind eye to Garnett's "intensity" in Boston. Just ask Jose Calderon.

"I wanna eat you. I wanna skin you alive and eat you."
Stephon Marbury: Rough late-game sequence for the Artist Formerly Known As Starbury. Doctor Hank Pym explains: "First he fakes the wide open three, and gives it to Rondo, who promptly airballs a floater, then he plays such piss poor defense on Ben Gordon, who hits the easy jumper. Doug Collins is ripping on the guy, and rightly so! What the hell was the point of signing him if he's going to waste the perfect opportunity to shoot a wide open jumper?" I'm telling you, it's that upcoming alien invasion I've been warning everybody about. How much more proof do you people need that Marbury has been replaced by a poorly-programmed doppelganger?

Dwight Howard: He had a MAN-type game and finished with an "Animal Style" double-double (24 points, 24 boards). He also blocked two shots, shot 8-for-14 from the field and even hit eight out of 12 from the line. But Dwight was swinging a little free with the elbows. In fact, you could even say he tried to kill Samuel Dalembert with one:


That's a seriously dangerous play. If Howard had connected with that "Macho Man Randy Savage" move, Dalembert's remains would have been carried out in a bucket. Think I'm kidding? Just ask his teammate Courtney Lee, "who took an elbow to the head from Howard early in the first quarter and never returned. He was taken to the hospital for precautionary tests." And that swing Dwight took at Sam wasn't an accident. Like it or not, Howard has a history of "What?! I didn't do it!" elbow smashes. The Sixers have a legitimate beef, since the NBA rule book makes it fairly clear that Howard should have gotten the boot for that play. I wouldn't be surprised to see David Stern ask Superman to stay in the phone booth for Game 6 in Philly.

Cat Coach fights: Remember back in the 1990s when Phil Jackson and Pat Riley would verbally spar with each other in the press? Well, Tony DiLeo versus Stan Van Gundy is JUST like that...only 20 times wussier. After watching Howard pitch his tent (not THAT kind of tent, you sickos) in the paint, DiLeo said: "Dwight Howard had a great game, and he's a great player, but he just lives in the three-second lane on offense and defense. I'm just saying he's standing in the three-second lane on offense and defense. He's a great player, and he doesn't need any advantages."

Van Gundy, who's used to this sort of sniping, was quick to retort: "Am I supposed to come up here and talk about the game. Or am I supposed to come up here and lobby for the calls I want the next game? Is that what it's about now? We're supposed to lobby for the calls we want the next game? Let's just play the games. I guess that's the only reason Dwight's having success in this series. It has nothing to do with the fact that he's good."

Seriously, the minute one of these guys calls the other a poopy head, I'm done. (But not really. That would be awesome.)

Marcin Gortat: Nomination from Czernobog: "Marcin Gortat deserves a mention. Last Magic possession of the first half, Sixers ignore him on defense and Alston catches him with a cross-court pass under the basket, and he banks it in. Not a Sixer within the three point line, he's right under the rim, he's 6'11", you'd expect a dunk, wouldn't you? Lazy bastard." I love the beach. I always fantasize that, if I lived by the beach (in an always warm climate), I'd be there every day. But you always hear stories about how the folks who DO live by the beach rarely go because, well, it's always there. Likewise, I always imagine that, if I could dunk, I would ramjam (yes, I have seen The Wrestler, and yes, it rocks) the ball home at every possible opportunity. But there are an awful lot of giant white dudes who would rather lay it in off the backboard. Why? It feels like a cruel taunt every time I see it.

The San Antonio Spurs: Well, I kind of expected this series to be a one-sided affair, I just got the side wrong. Last night's 106-93 home loss made it official: The "They're always in the mix!" Spurs have been eliminated in the first round of the playoffs for the first time since 2000...when they lost to the Phoenix Suns in a series in which Tim Duncan never even played (due to a knee injury).

The Manu Ginobili-less Spurs got 30 points out of Duncan (14-for-21) and 26 points (11-for-21) out of Tony Parker, but none of the support staff was able to reach double-figures. As TD put it: "They had more firepower than us. They played better than us. However you want to put it, obviously they were the better team this year. That's all you can say." He's not wrong. And, in fact, Dallas thoroughly outplayed San Antonio in this series that, at times, I actually wondered whether Ginobili's presence would make that much of a difference...which could mean bad news for next year's Spurs.

Note that, in addition to his game-high 12 assists, Parker also had a game-high 7 turnovers. (Only three fewer than the entire Dallas team, as a matter of fact.)

The Houston Rockets: It's not like they conceded the game or anything -- they fought back to take a small lead in the fourth before collapsing -- but from arch-supporting comfort of my desk chair, it sure looked to me like the Rockets had a bad case of letsjustfinishitathomeitis. How else can you explain the fact that Aaron Brooks led the team with 20 shot attempts, eight more than Yao Ming (who went 7-for-12) and 11 more than Ron Artest (who quietly faded away with a 3-for-9, 4-turnover performance). They also struggled mightily in getting to the charity stripe, as observed in the AP game recap: "The Rockets went to the free-throw line just 10 times in the game and made eight attempts. But coach Rick Adelman, earlier in the day fined $25,000 for criticizing the officiating during the playoffs, kept his silence."

Lacktion report: Chris weighs in with some phat lacktivity:

Bulls-Celtics: Lindsey Hunter aimed for the on-screen dog with his Zapper and sniped out his second consecutive Mario, a 45-second stint that strangely enough included a board. (This shout out to video gaming's greatest plumber is the first productive sub-minute stint in the Association this postseason).

Meanwhile, Eddie House resides firmly in the lacktion report tonight with a 9:39 stint that included one brick from the Tobin Bridge, one rejection, and a foul for a +3 suck differential.

Sixers-Magic: Royal Ivey put on a princely performance as the Sixers' key lacktator, fouling once and tossing a brick from downtown for a +2 in 5:53. On the other end of the court, Tony Battie went picking for fire-flowers with a 15 second Mario.

Mavs-Spurs: Ryan Hollins finishes out the first round the same way he started: by putting on the plumbers' overalls for a Mario, in this case taking 32 seconds to celebrate the Mavs' escape past the first round for the first time since 2006.

Rockets-Blazers: Houston's Brian Cook and James White tossed spiky shells at each other for 54 seconds as synchronized Mario Brothers! (Cook actually made one shot and also garnered a board in only the second overall productive Mario so far.)

And despite Portland defending its home court to force a sixth game, Nicolas Batum provided ineffective play as a starting forward by giving up the rock once in 5:47 for a +1, his second suck differential in the series.

This damn recession: Want to hear a sad story? Well, here you go (via Chris): "Now a little piece of that victory is up on the auction block. In a testament to the far reach of the recession, former Bulls guard and assistant coach to the Sacramento Kings, Randy Brown, has declared bankruptcy, and his three championship rings will be for sale to the highest bidder via online auction at WestAuction.com. ... These hard financial times have impacted everyone, and Brown is no exception. 'It's a tough situation,' says Dennis West, of West Auctions, the company charged with auctioning the rings. 'Randy seems like a really good guy, and he was a great player. However, these are tough times for a lot of people from a variety of backgrounds. People are making difficult financial decisions, and for some that means bankruptcy.' With bankruptcy rates rising rapidly across the nation, you can expect many more auctions in the future."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs

Worst seat in the house.
The New Orleans Hornets: I don't have a Ph.D. in Wordology, but I'm still pretty sure the phrase "great googly moogly" was invented for games like this. This truly was a history-making debacle. And who could have seen it coming? I mean, Denver had looked like the better team through three games, sure, but I never expected the Hornets to play Alderaan to the Nuggets' Death Star. This was the most brutal, one-sided rout I've seen since Megatron killed all those Autobots during the Instruments of Destruction scene in Transformers: The Movie. (Which, by the way, remains the best after-school-cartoon-to-movie motion picture of all time.)

Okay, enough with the cutsie analogies and onto the nitty-gritty. The Hornets lost by nearly as many points (58) as they scored (63). They were never in the game, falling behind by 21 after one quarter, 22 after two and 39 after three. The 121-63 loss matched the largest margin of defeat in NBA Playoff history. The Minneapolis Lakers beat the St. Louis Hawks 133-75 in 1956. Think about that: No playoff team in 53 years has been beaten as badly as the Hornets got pummeled last night. And this was, gulp, a HOME GAME.

More numbers of woe: New Orleans shot 31.5 percent (17-for-54) and committed a franchise playoff-high 27 turnovers (which gave Denver 41 bonus points). Think about that: The Hornets finished with 10 more turnovers than field goals. New Orleans also notched all-time playoff lows in points, field goals made, field goals attempted, assists (10) and second-half points (24). And those 121 points the Nuggets scored set an all-time playoff high for a Hornets opponent. This is 'bawful beyond the ability of human words to articulate. So, after much thought, I can only compare this drubbing to the death administered to the skateboarding assassin in Hard Ticket to Hawaii:


Yep. I think that pretty much sums it up. But here are some reader comments anyway. Eric, who attended the game, said: "If there was any more indication of how badly the Hornets played, the highlights of the 1st half they put up on the Jumbotron included two shots from timeout entertainment: The three-pointer a guy made to win his section 7-Up and the dunk of a six-year-old."

More dogpiling from Justin: "I'm sure you're getting plenty of emails on one of the extravaganza of humiliation in New Orleans tonight. All I have to say, as someone who watched two quarters of this turd, is this: no photograph from the game will ever properly convey the sheer size and density of the facepalm that was this loss. So I give you this. Use it wisely. Although, what I was really looking for was this guy. It's just that he makes me kind of nauseous."

And finally, from Dr. Hank Pym: "In tomorrow's WotN, make sure to mention how much of a ripjob Rick Kamla and Steve Smith, the commentators for NBATV's broadcast of the Nuggets/Hornets game, put on the Hornets. At some point in the beginning of the fourth quarter, Rick and Steve were so bored they were going off-topic, and when it was near the end of the game, they were ROOTING for the Hornets to not score anymore points! Kamla said something along the lines of 'If we have to sit through 48 minutes of this, we may as well make it a record night.' And Steve Smith was actually chanting 'Defense!' during a Hornets possession, hoping they would break the record for biggest playoff blowout. Man, they were just cracking so many jokes and just not caring at all about the game, it was completely hilarious, yet so sad at the same time. Wasn't this the team that was supposed to be a legitimate competitor to the Lakers this year?"

Chris Paul: The Hornets may lack depth, but they were pretty much expected to win the point guard battle. Like, by a lot. However, except for Game 3, Chauncey Billups has been by far the best point guard in this series, and maybe the Western Conference Playoffs. And Paul? Well, he crashed and burned, big time, in the fourth game: 4 points (2-for-7), 6 assists and 6 turnovers in 36 minutes of...of...LACKTION. Yes, CP3 was a lacktion superstar in this one. It was one of the worst games of his career, and certainly his worst-ever playoff game: It was, after all, the first time Paul has ever scored fewer than 14 points in a playoff game. Said Nuggets coach George Karl: "I'm pretty sure Chris Paul is not 100 percent." When the opposing coach is pulling out the "Injury Excuse" for you, that's a seriously bad sign.

Carmelo Anthony, Captain Obvious: "I wouldn't have thought that we would win by 58 points. I never thought anyone could win by 58 points in the playoffs." 'Melo truly is the Large Hadron Collider of NBA Playoff insight.


The Miami Heat: The Heat were probably thankful that the disaster in New Orleans distracted from their homecourt fail against the Hawks. Instead of putting Atlanta into a playoff headlock, then moving into DDT, Miami came out and played like it was the preseason: 37 percent shooting, more turnovers (12) than assists (12), AND they got owned by Zaza Pachulia (12 points, 18 rebounds, 2 steals). It was like a night at Harry's Chocolate Shop, as the Heat went ugly early and never recovered. From the AP recap: "The Heat shot 5-for-23 in the first 21 minutes, digging a 21-point hole. At one point, Miami nearly had as many fouls (15) as points (19), Wade had four airballs (arguing he was fouled on two), and the Heat were unraveling." I suppose you could point at Dwyane Wade's 9-for-26 shooting (including 1-for-8 from downtown) and game-high-tying 4 turnovers, but a large share of blame goes to...

The Miami Heat "bench": The one thing that could have made this group failure truly complete would have been for a tumbleweed to blow forlornly by them. They combined to score 2 points (on 0-for-7 shooting) and 9 fouls in about 48 minutes of daylight. When Zaza Pachulia BY HIMSELF is nearly 45 times better than your entire bench, well, you know...SAD TROMBONE.

The Utah Jazz: Maybe next year, huh?

Carlos Boozer: In what likely will be his final game in a Jazz uniform, the Boozeman went 3-for-8 from the field, finishing with 10 points and a plus-minus score of -11. That's not Karl Malone lite. That's not even zero-calorie Karl Malone. That's Karl Malone's jock strap on a bad day. It's been a fun couple years, Carlos. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, okay?

Andre Kirilenko: Dan. B sent in this pic, and I just had to include it.

"The ball...it's like a piece of iron."
The Los Angeles Lakers' killer instinct (or lack thereof): From Karc: "Wow, I do not think I have ever seen a series where a team wins after blowing a big lead late in each game. But the Lakers did it. Seriously, L.A., take a cue from Cleveland. Up by 20 in the fourth quarter, you finish that game and win by 25 or 30. You do NOT let the lead get down to 6, mostly due to your 'star' player getting three turnovers to spark a run by the Utah bench. I laughed when Phil Jackson benched Kobe Byrant, not because he wanted to rest him as a reward for his play in the series, but because he sucked on the court. Geez, it seems like everybody but the Lakers was ready to call it a day, as Boozer and Williams weren't even in the game. I was hoping the Jazz would break 100 so that the Laker fans could boo this team for another collapse that cost them free tacos. Maybe then they would get the message. Good luck trying that nonsense against Denver or Cleveland. Hint: it's not going to work. Because those two teams are likely to look at a 20-point hole in the second half and think 'Hey, we have this thing won.' Which normally would be insane. Against the Lakers, though, it's the
truth. Just ask Boston."

Lacktion report: From Chris: "What an appropriate time to work on the lacktion report -- on my TV in the background is Food Network's Good Eats, and Alton Brown's doing the episode on...CRABS! Ahh...memories of Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson still fresh in my mind. (And of course all eyes in the next round will be on Tarence Kinsey, who is in a serious slump towards semi-useful ball!) Now to the non-contributors of this playoff night."

Hawks-Heat: Solomon Jones wisely played the role of human victory cigar for Atlanta, staying sharp with a foul in 3:26 for a +1 suck differential and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Erik Spoelstra saw home court spoiled tonight despite the brave efforts of two of his top lacktators. Joel Anthony negated a board in 4:26 with two fouls for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while Jamaal Magloire did one better by avoiding any positive play with a brick and two fouls in 1:52, a +3 that also counted as a 2:0 for his second Voskuhl in three games!

Nuggets-Hornets: When George Karl's squad nearly scored twice as many points as New Orleans did, it's understandable that the Nuggets' lacktion faction got some rest from avoiding contribution, with Johan Petro even making a few shots! So the Hornets' failfest becomes the story of the evening, first with starting center Tyson Chandler (who as we all recall, nearly got traded to the Thunder earlier this season), who chose to pay tribute to Toronto's buffoon of a big man for the second consecutive game.

Chandler did take two boards and two assists in his 12:46 from the opening tip, only to miss two shots and get charged with fouls four times for a Voskuhl ratio of 4:2. The news only got better for Byron Scott -- better that is, if Scott is a fan of lacktivity -- with Hilton Armstrong checking into the ledger tonight after a 12-minute stint, with a field goal and board (plus two steals) negated by four giveaways and three fouls for a 7:3 Voskuhl of his own, tying the lodger with Kwame Brown for the worst playoff Voskuhl ratio so far. Ouch.

Symone Fisher: First Luke Walton, and now Derek Fisher? Really?! Yes, really.

Derek Fisher is seeking a temporary restraining order against a woman who he says is stalking and harassing him.

The Los Angeles Lakers guard, who is playing in Game 5 of the NBA playoffs against Utah, filed the paperwork with the Los Angeles County Superior Court earlier Monday.

He claims that the woman, Symone Fisher -- no relation -- has been harassing him since 2001 but that the situation has gotten worse over the past few months. Fisher claims that the woman has been showing up at his place of work and at his private residence.

In the restraining order, he also asked for protection for his wife, Candace, and four children.

A Los Angeles County detective investigating the case recommended that Fisher get a restraining order after looking into a number of unsolicited e-mails, internet messages and letters sent from Symone Fisher suggesting that the two were married.

So add two cases of stalking to the thousands of cases of unhealthy Kobe obsession. What is it about the Lakers, exactly, that causes people to become mentally unhinged? Also, Wild Yams noticed something about that writeup that I also noticed: "From the article about Fisher's stalker: 'Fisher claims that the woman has been showing up at his place of work and at his private residence.' OK, showing up at his house is definitely a bad sign, but there are lots of people who routinely show up at his 'place of work.' They're called 'season ticket holders' or possibly even just 'basketball fans.'"

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Editor's note: If you haven't voted for Basketbawful in the Basketblog Header Finals yet...what are you waiting for? A warning from the Surgeon General?

The Detroit Pistons: They took their best shot at actually winning a game in this series, holding the Crabs to 41 percent field goal accuracy and limiting them to 9 third-quarter points. They were also aided and abetted by a Cleveland team that shanked 11 free throws and missed 18 of their 22 three-point attempts. Sadly, the Pistons connected on only 38 percent of their own shots, and they weren't able to contain LeBron (25 points, 11 rebounds, 9 assists) or even Joe Beast, who had a career playoff-high 19 points and 10 rebounds. And now Detroit, a team that has advanced to the Eastern Conference Finals for six straight seasons, is on the brink of being swept away like stale breadcrumbs. Said The Phantom of Auburn Hills: "This is killing me. I can't even lie. ... It's killing me -- just the simple fact -- how great we were, being down 0-3, being the eighth seed and watching them celebrate shot after shot."

Rasheed Wallace: His lifeless, "I really don't give a f*** anymore" performance was best summed up by this line from the AP recap: "The 34-year-old Wallace scored just five points, looking past his prime, banged up and uninterested." 'Sheed does realize it's a contract year, right?!

Detroit fans: From the AP game notes: "Between the third and fourth quarters, an altercation led to one fan landing the hardest punch at The Palace since the infamous 2004 brawl in which the Indiana Pacers tussled with the Pistons and their fans." Happy times in the Motor City.

LeBron James: I can't find YouTube of this, strangely enough, but King Crab got his junk stuffed by Kwame Brown. Kwame Brown!

The Orlando Magic: Letting the Sixers shoot 52 percent for the game was bad enough, but check out this end-of-game defense on Thaddeus Young's game-winner:


First off, why were they playing chest-to-chest on that guy? He was 2-for-7 for the game and hadn't even attempted a three-pointer. The Magicians also seemed to forget that Young is a lefty. Bad stuff, man. And shouldn't the newly crowned Defensive Player of the Year be able to protect the rim in the closing seconds of a critical playoff game? Of course, Orlando would have been in a better position if they hadn't fallen behind by 17 points. Said Stan Van Gundy: "We were badly outplayed for 30 minutes. We're lucky to even be in the situation we're in. They had no trouble scoring on us and other than Dwight, we didn't do much offensively." No kidding. The Magic shot 42 percent from the field...and that number drops to 33 percent if you subtract Dwight Howard's 12-for-16 performance.

The Orlando Magic broadcasters: From Basketbawful reader Rahul: "Dude, you have to include this. It just happened. Commentator said: 'Tony DiLeo is not happy with the penetration he is getting right now.' I am ok with the increased access nowdays the media has, but this is just too much information."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Yao Ming finished with more turnovers (3) than field goals (2) and scored only 7 points...but the Blazers still lost 86-83 to fall behind two games to one in their best-of-seven series with the Rockets. Their big guns seemed to be shooting with blinders on, as Brandon Roy (who was harassed relentlessly by Ron Artest and Shane Battier) went 6-for-18, LaMarcus Aldridge was 6-for-15 and Travis Outlaw finished 2-for-11. If it wasn't for the nine three-pointers they got out of Rudy Fernandez and Steve Blake, Portland probably would have been blown out.

Yao Ming: The Blazers have poked a few bricks out of the Great Wall, reducing the nine-foot giant to the third or fourth-best player on the team. Said Yao: "Tough for me. Almost like a sandwich." Mmmm. Yao sandwich. Just, uh, hold the mayo, okay?

Adam Morrison versus Sasha Vujacic: Even the 'Stache hates Douchacic. Seriously:

During Lakers' practice on Friday, Adam Morrison and Sasha Vujacic shoved one another with Morrison threatening over and over, "you grab my shirt one more time..."

"You should have seen it when I used to go at it with Shaq," Kobe Bryant said afterward.

Phil Jackson found the Morrison-Vujacic altercation amusing, according to witness Frank Isola.

Saturday lacktivity report: Chris continues to prove that the playoffs really aren't complete without lacktion.

Cavs-Pistons: As the Pistons are starting to look as devastated as an average neighborhood on Woodward Avenue, the Crabs' Sasha Pavlovic was given the opportunity to claw onto a Power Pad for an 18 second Mario!

Magic-Sixers: Marcin Gortat spent 3:26 firmly in the penalty, fouling twice for a +2 suck differential that also notched up a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Blazers-Rockets: Portland's Nicolas Batum just posted the longest postseason stint of pure non-contributory lacktion so far with a 10:16 run as starting forward that provided a mere brick from downtown for a +1.

Denver versus New Orleans: Talk about your hack-a-paloozas. At one point, I felt like I was watching a Heat-Knicks game from the late-90s. The officials called 58 personal fouls -- 29 on each team -- and four players fouled out (David West and Tyson Chandler for New Orleans, and Nene and Kenyon Martin for Denver). But Chris Paul didn't seem to mind getting pounded like a B-list porn star: "This is the fun part of the playoffs, all the contact, all the flagrant fouls. You never want anyone to get hurt, but after it's all said and done, you smile about it because that's the nature of the sport."

Byron Scott, bitch and moan machine: James Posey got tagged with a well-deserved flagrant on Chris Andersen. Posey didn't go for the ball, and he gave the Birdman's arm a strong tug of the "I'm gonna see if I can get away with throwing you to the floor" variety after the whistle. And after the game, Scott was all up in arms about the call: "It was a terrible call. Chauncey Billups' (flagrant) foul on Rasual (Butler), if it would have been James Posey, they probably would have thrown him out of the game. Posey didn't do anything. He tried to hold (Andersen) up on the foul. It was a good hard foul, but to get a flagrant on the foul, you have to almost throw the guy down as well. It was a terrible call." Since I'm fairly certain Byron hasn't suffered a head injury any time recently, I'll go ahead and assume he didn't see the tape. I mean, if he wants to argue that the league has been totally wussified, I'd agree with that. But that call was pretty consistent with the pansy way David Stern wants his league run.

Playoff intensity: Thanks to Basketbawful reader gpq for sending in this pic. Talk about "Guys who don't look like they should be in the NBA"...


The San Antonio Spurs: They held the Mavs to 38 percent shooting. Tony Parker scored 43 points on 18-for-29 shooting. Tim Duncan almost had a triple-double (25 points, 10 rebounds, 7 assists). And they still lost. Blame the 12 missed free throws -- including seven bonks by Duncan -- and the fact that the bench combined to shoot 4-for-14. The Spurs are just running on empty right now. When the starters not named "Duncan" or "Parker" shoot 2-for-14 your reserves finish with more fouls (14) than points (10), you know you're in serious trouble. As Tony Parker put it: "They have a lot more weapons than us." Sing along with me kids: "It's the end of the Spurs as we know them..."

In addition to all that drek, Basketbawful reader Mike T. was wagging his finger at San Antonio's clutch-time execution:

I know that the Spurs have already cemented their place in Worst of the Weekend after their second straight face plant in Dallas, but I would like to nominate them specifically for their end-of-game decision making. Down by 5 with 3:30 left in the game, the Spurs proceeded to go 1-for-8 from the field. I can live with 1-for-8 if they are getting decent shots that just aren't going in, but included in their 1-for-8 shooting was 1-for-8 from the three-point line. That's correct. In the last 3:30 of a 5-point game (that remained a 5-point game until the very end), the Spurs took eight three-pointers and zero two-pointers (to go along with zero free throws).

And these were not wide open attempts that the Mavs were giving the Spurs. The Spurs took hand in the face 3's to the point that on one possession Tim Duncan was wide open under the basket TWICE on one play and Matt Bonner missed him the first time so that Michael Finley could force a contested 25 footer the second time. Tim Duncan even broke out a new version of the Tim Duncan face on the play to express his disgust. To top it all off, coming out of a timeout the Spurs ran a set play for Bonner to shoot a contested 3 from the left corner, which is his worst place outside of the arch according to NBA.com Hot Spots.

I thought 900 games of combined playoff experience was supposed to give the Spurs some kind of mental advantage.

The Atlanta Hawks: I'm really biting my tongue right now. The last thing I want to do is stat curse the Heat. So I'm going to hold back the "I told ya so’s" until after the Hawks are actually eliminated. But their 107-78 loss in Miami felt pretty damning, didn't it? The Dirty Birds scored 29 points in the first half and finished with almost as many blocked shots against (12) as assists (13). They also got battered on the boards (48-35) and shot a miserable 36 percent. AND they continue to make Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (22 points, 10 boards, 3 blocks) look like an All-Star center. I'm not saying Atlanta can't win this series, but can we all just agree that they aren't this great team everybody was making them out to be after those two long home stands they had this season?

The Miami Heat bench: You'd think the would have played great in such a terrible blowout...but they did not, putting up 5-for-22 group effort.

Al Horford, quote machine: The man-child getting abused by The Drain said: "No more excuses. We're going to have to bring it fuego on Monday." BRING IT FUEGO, BABY!

The Utah Jazz: Turns out their Game 3 victory was more of a lucky break than a series-changing turnaround. The Lakers bounced back from a sloppy, listless effort to set the Jazz up for a Game 5 knockout by beating them 108-94 in Utah. L.A. scored 40 points in the second quarter and then held the Jazz to 16 points in the third take total control of the game and the series. Utah got double-doubles out of Deron Williams (23 points, 13 assists) and Carlos Boozer (23 points, 16 boards), but they couldn't stop the Lakers (51 percent shooting) or hit their free throws (22-for-32). Now the only drama left in this first-round matchup is how quickly the Jazz will go down in the fifth and final game.

Deron Williams, hope springs eternal machine: After his team got its collective ass handed to it on Saturday, Deron said: "The series is not over. We've still got a little hope. We know it's going to be tough to win 3 in a row against these guys, but we should be playing free and loose." That's like telling the hangman's noose "This isn't over yet...my neck isn't broken and I can still sorta breath..."

Saturday lacktivity report: Chris brings you a super-lacktive Saturday...and a special announcement.

We're starting to see a postseason dominated by that elusive but critical element every championship team has had - lacktion. So all four of Saturday's games got love in the lacktion report:

Nuggets-Hornets: Despite a field goal and three boards in 17:43, Tyson Chandler fouled out and gave up the rock twice to fry up a Voskuhl of 8:5!

Spurs-Mavs: Matt Bonner rocketed his way to mediocrity this afternoon with a 21:55 stint so bawful, only one board away from a seemingly unprecedented +9 suck differential. That board however did not negate his bad play enough to avoid his second Voskuhl of the postseason, a ratio of 5:1 via four fouls, one turnover, and four bricks (three pieces of masonry from downtown). Bonner's non-performance also so far has set the mark for the lengthiest bawful big man showing in these playoffs.

James Singleton has now lacked it up in 3 of 4 playoff games so far for Mark Cuban's squad, this time running in place with the Speedboard NES accessory for a NINE SECOND SUPER MARIO - the second tribute to the Mushroom Kingdom that Mr. Singleton has procured this round!!!!

Heat-Hawks: THE Mario West got a second opportunity in a row to lack it up and contributed so little for so long that a Wii memory card wasn't enough to hold it all. His 3.6 trillion required the assistance of a financial broker or two!

Lakers-Jazz: Josh Powell turned on his Konami LaserScope for 20 seconds and fired off a Mario in his second straight lacktive game! Matching Powell's consecutive games of non-contribution streak was Utah's Brevin Knight, who crowned himself the court jester via two bricks and two fouls for a +4 in 2:18, the second-highest suck differential in the postseason so far.

And Andrew Bynum continues to pay tribute to the leader of Toronto's Little Three of Lacktivity, with his second straight Voskuhl (a 4:3 ratio this time around) via two fouls and two giveaways against a field goal and board in 6:57.

The Chicago Bulls free throw shooting: As I noted at By the Horns, I was ready to dub this baby "The Free Throw Game." As in, "Missed free throws cost the Bulls the chance to tie this series at two games a piece." It wasn't just the nine misses (26-for-35). It was when some of those misses occurred. You know, at the worst possible times. First, Tyrus Thomas shanked a foul shot with 16 seconds left in regulation that could have given the Bulls a four-point cushion. Ray Allen responded by drilling a cold-blooded three-pointer to force overtime. Then, with 26 ticks left in the first overtime, Kirk Hinrich blew a freebie that could have tied the game at 107. After Paul Pierce pushed Boston’s lead to 108-106 (although he too missed a free throw), Ben Gordon got the whistle but was able to hit only one of two at the stripe, thereby failing to tie the game with nine seconds to go in that first OT. Joakim Noah had to foul Allen, who knocked down both of his foul shots to give the Celtics a 110-107 lead.

The Bulls got redeemed by Ben Gordon's crazy-ass shot, but if they'd lost, it would have been on the free throw shooting. Oh, that and...

Chicago's end-of-game defense: Basketbawful reader KC Deco writes: "WotW honors goes to Chicago. As the old cliche goes, 'the most dangerous guy is the guy in-bounding the ball.' Especially if that guy is Ray Allen, who killed the Bulls in Game 2. So nice job by the Bulls on the defensive fail that let Ray Allen get wide open to tie the game with a three with less than 10 seconds to go. I mean, the second that went up, was there a single person watching that did not say 'that's in?'"

Ben Gordon: More from KC: "Oh, and Ben Gordon grabbing his crotch after his big three in the first OT? That's just gross. It was like he was trying to do the 'big balls' dance, but was aware of the curse, so he went for something less subtle. It worked, though, so more power to him." Maybe he just...had an itch...down there? Yeah. I'm sure that's it.

The Boston Celtics: Bad day for the C's. They shot poorly (42 percent), committed 21 turnovers, gave up 24 points off those turnovers, got next to nothing out of their "bench," and their Suns-like defense allowed 121 points. In fact, every single Chicago player that got into the game scored in double figures. Every. Single. One. But Boston still had a chance to pull out the victory, and they might have, if they would have committed a foul before Air Gordon got off his game-tying three-pointer. That would have forced Chicago to shoot two free throws and then immediately foul. But even though Doc Rivers said that was the gameplan, Gordon was allowed to hit that bomb...and the rest is history. Based on the outcome, it's likely that turning the final 10 seconds into a foul shooting contest probably would have been a better idea than playing Gordon roulette.

Derrick Rose: He played great (23 points, 11 rebounds, 9 assists), BUT...he had his second straight 7-turnover game. That hurts.

The Detroit Pistons: And thus ends Detroit's woeful 2008-09 campaign, with a 99-78 home loss and a 4-0 first-round playoff sweep by a team they once mocked. But hey, this was all part of Joe Dumars plan! This summer, Joe has $20 million in cap space to rebuild this team immediately. They could be a contender again as soon as next season! Right...?!


Update! Allen Iverson: Totally ripped by ABC Sports (from NBA Fanhouse via Ar). The Not Answer has officially hit rock bottom and started to dig.


Update! Rasheed Wallace: This is for david's benefit. In 'Sheed's final game as a Piston, he went scoreless on 0-for-7 shooting and finished with nearly as many fouls (4) as rebounds (5). It's almost like 'Sheed's heart was included in the Iverson trade, only nobody every told us.

The Pistons' "home court advantage": Didn't it seem like half their crowd was pro-Crabs? It sure did to me...and the Associated Press: "When James joined his teammates for warmups before Game 4, Cleveland fans seemed to outnumber Detroit supporters and he waved his arms in the air to encourage them to be even louder. 'It's great to be in Cleveland,' Cavs radio broadcaster Joe Tait joked."

The Philadelphia 76ers: They needed only 10 seconds worth of defense to put the Magic in a 3-1 series stranglehold. But they didn't get it.


Does Philly emply scouts? Did anybody watching that game think The Turkish Assassin was going to do anything BUT launch a three? I mean, seriously.

The Portland Trail Blazers: They're the West's best chance of stopping the Lakers, right? Yeah. Well, I guess the folks in Cleveland better start practicing their "Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.!" chants.

Ron Artest: Let's see...12 points on 20 shots. That's some serious efficiency. But that didn't stop him from grandstanding. The only thing missing was Rick Derringer singing "Real American."


Tracy McGrady: Could any player look (and probably feel) any more anguished than Knee-Mac did while watching his team take a commanding 3-1 series lead in their first-round series? I wonder if, should the Rockets actually win this series, Rick Adelman will let Tracy suit up and just walk onto the court for the final seconds of the deciding game just so he can say he finally made it out of the first round. That would probably be the one and only example of first-round piggybacking in NBA history...and I would love it.


Prime time announcers: Stephanie G. pointed out this was a rough weekend for some of our favorite announcing dart boards:

During the half time show of game 3 of the New Orleans-Denver series Avery Johnson had extreme difficulty pronouncing Sasha Vujacic's name. Sasha Vuyaches? Eh, close enough. It also sounded like he kept saying Lamar Oden.

In the first quarter of San Antonio-Dallas Game 4 Reggie Miller was reviewing why the Spurs got blown out in game 3 and was lamenting that Tony Parker wasn't "attacking the basketball" like he was to start the series.

As a woman I'm embarrassed by Doris Burke and I demand she apologize for causing ugly waves of women hating across basketball forums for her shallow commentary, grating voice, and the fact that she is essentially a female Mark Jackson who, like her counterpart, sounds like she wants to bed Kobe Bryant. She even used his lines at one point (momma, there goes that man!). To cap off an already bad game she somehow confused Bryon Russell with Craig Ehlo in a completely butchered attempt to compare a Kobe shot to MJ's last shot as a Bull. Besides being needless and insulting the shots were nothing alike. Also, if she could stop trying to sound hip by using '80s lingo ("he shot it right in his grill") I would be much appreciative.

Sunday lacktivity report: Chris brings a weekend of intense lacktivity to a close:

Celtics-Bulls: Two teams with storied championship histories know the importance of lacktion to a successful run to the top - even in a double-overtime special where contribution is dangerously easy! Boston's Tony Allen once again graces these paragraphs with a giveaway for a +1 suck differential in 3:07 - his third lacktive appearance this postseason, and the first two-time sucker so far - while Lindsey Hunter pointed the Laserscope briefly at the jumbotron for a 15 second Mario.

Cavs-Pistons: The team from Auburn Hills saw its hopes and dreams crushed by the Crabs' claws this afternoon, and Walter Herrmann finished up his postseason with a +2 via bricks in 6:28. Dishonorable mention has to go out to Rasheed Wallace, who narrowly avoided a Voskuhl in a four-foul, one-turnover and seven-brick showing by getting five non-game-changing boards.

In celebration, Mike Brown had a seafood trio of Sasha Pavlovic, Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, and Tarence Kinsey storm the court for 2:07; however, only Mr. Jackson successfully executed non-contributory play with a +2 via brick and rejection, making it three games and counting living up to his moniker.

Magic-Sixers: Mareese Speights laid some sweet rhythm on the Donkey Kong Bongos for a 22 second Mario.

Blazers-Rockets: Greg Oden's attempts to "guard" Yao Ming have left him firmly in a rocking chair, as despite three boards in 10:46, he also bricked and gave up the rock once each and committed five fouls for a 6:3 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Oden's much younger teammate Channing Frye bricked twice in 2:47 for a +2.

Clutch the Bear watched his charges take a firm grip on this first round series, with Chucky Hayes logging in an adorable +1 via foul in 4:05, his second lacktive stint this postseason.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Utah Jazz

Okay peeps. Thanks to your strong show of support, Basketbawful made it into the Basketblogger Header Finals. Go vote for us and I promise to continue making sweet, sweet love to your basketbrain until large, bloody chunks of my body start falling off.

And now, the man love, courtesy of Murcy, who said: "Wow. I'm sure some people have already sent this in, but damn, this is hot. Alridge is not only hugging Yao, but whispering some REEEEEALLY nasty things into his ear. Dirrrrty." Who knew LaMarcus had the Yellow Fever?

Labels: fan submissions, LeMarcus Aldridge, man love, Yao Ming

Today's three Game 3's featured a triple play of bawful. So in a Bill Simmons-esque manner, I shall hand out awards to these NBA games based on the defining trilogy of our generation.

EPISODE IV: The Adventures of Luke SkyRondo

The "I have a very bad feeling about this" Award: To David Stern, for gracing Chicago with his Emperor's presence. In a 2nd quarter interview, David Aldridge brought up some questions about the collective bargaining agreement and revenues. Stern kept his smiley composure, saying he has "no problem with whatever Billy [Hunter] says," and is "looking forward to negotiating with him this summer", in addition to his preparations to look at the "numbers" and do a "shall we say, data dump". Stern also mentioned he found the Union's lack of faith disturbing. Not shown was Stern force-choking Aldridge post interview.

The "I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home" Award: To Chicago's bumblefingers, racking up a 2-meter wide's worth of nine 1st quarter turnovers, ending the game with 22.

The "Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion" Award: To the "Rose" ROY ceremony, for an outstandingly bad pun made a physical reality, by literally sprinkling rose petals all over the stadium. I really wish they would have done this if Kevin Love or Rudy Gay had won the award. No one was around to rescue him however, as Rose finished with almost as many TOs (7) as points (9).

The "I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" Award: To Kevin Garnett, shown at the Celtics' practice running some drills with Perkins and stuff. In other words, kinda like he was coaching. In other words, kinda like he was doing Doc's job. In other words, I'm pretty sure Garnett's angry spirit will be back for a re-mastered Game 7, and may punch Hayden Christensen in the face.

The "I knew there was more to you than money!" Award: To the rest of the Celtics, who once again let Rondo be the leading rebounder on the team with 11. All three games now. He's a little short to be a stormtrooper.

The "I sense something; a presence I've not felt since..." Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial showing Kobe nailing the fadeaway on the Suns, followed by his midcourt fist celebration. Thanks for drilling home the point.

EPISODE V: Joe Crawford Strikes Back

The "Where did they get the funds to build a second Death Star?" Award: To ATDHE.net and justin.tv for providing the Spurs-Mavs game live and streaming from NBATV over the Internet. I don't know how they're doing it, as far as I know every streaming video business model is currently fail, so enjoy it while it lasts. Ah, the Internet. Giving me access to TV channels that would be stupid to pay for, so I can watch two teams I utterly hate.

The "I don't believe it." Award: To the Spurs' halftime score, courtesy of a 0-seconds-remaining floater, an astounding 30. Included in this scintillating show was 13-43 shooting (30.2%), 1-9 bricks beyond the arc, and 4 missed free throws.

The "That is why you fail." Award: To the Spurs starters, who were all pulled early 3rd quarter in the face of yet another sub 20 pt quarter.

The "Never tell me the odds" Award: To the Spurs' final score of 67, beating their previous bawful of 70. Their hyperspace calculations bounced them straight into a supernova, since unlike last time they had Tim Duncan and Tony Parker for this game.

The "Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me" Award: To Erik Dampier. After his well publicized boasting that he would put Tony Parker "on the floor", how did he respond? By picking up his first foul just 1:12 after the start of the game, and doing practically nothing else. He finished the 1st quarter with 1 rebound and 0 points, while Tony Parker grabbed 4 rebounds and scored 10 of the Spurs' 16.

The "I've just made a deal that'll keep the Empire out of here forever" Award: To Joey Crawford for filling the obligatory role as character with confusing intentions. Total number of egregious facepalm calls noticed without rewind or pause before I stopped watching the game at halftime: 2.

The "Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER" Award: To this commercial. Honestly, because I watched that SuperBADge thing yesterday, I wasn't as shocked when this commercial came up. But luckily, YouTube provides the full version of the song:



The "No. I am your father" Award: To the Where Amazing Happens commercial featuring Manu Ginobili running around the Shaq Suns, then kicking it to Duncan for the improbable 3. Seriously, [word that KG mouths on the sidelines] you.

EPISODE VI: Return of the Jazzi

The "Your overconfidence is your weakness" Award: To the Utah Jazz, with a loud home crowd and a 43-35 halftime lead, managed to give up 33 in the 3rd almost throwing away the game.

The "Your faith in your friends is yours" Award: To the Lakers, for letting the crowd get back in it so the Rebel scum could stage their comeback. Also to Yahoo! Box Scores, for confusing me in my sleep deprived state by having incorrect values in their box scores (the halftime score was 43-39, and the Lakers scored 29 in the 3rd).

The "Break off the attack! The shield is still up!" Award: To Kobe, who was 20 points away from surpassing Hakeem as 8th on the NBA playoffs scoring list. How did he respond? With 5-24 shooting, scoring 18. Enemy ships appeared in sector 47 soon after.

The "That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational!" Award: To Carlos Boozer, who continues his contract year phenomenon with some animal stylin' tonight (23 points, 22 rebounds).

The "If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will..." Award: To Andrew Bynum, for "fouling out", according to TNT, in Oden-esque fashion. However, once again crappy box scores everywhere show only 5 fouls in 7 minutes

The "Han will have that shield down. We've got to give him more time!" Award: To Kobe Bryant, who got to increase his game-winning shot percen-...oh wait, what's that? Oh, OOPS. My bad. Special mention to Pau Gasol, for simply letting Boozer walk by him for the morale-saving dunk. But my favorite moment at the end of this game were the replays, first when Deron's shot was in the air, they showed the camera on the Utah bench and you can see Matt Harpring raise his hands in celebration earlier than everyone else. When Kobe's shot was in the air, they showed the bench and it was Jordan Farmar and Bynum celebrating early, and then having to awkwardly recover.

The "I know. Somehow, I've always known EVEN WHILE I WAS KISSING YOU IN THE LAST MOVIE" Award: To Bennett Salvatore, for confirming what everyone already knows. It's like he has a quantum whistle, that takes both forms of being swallowed and inexplicably blown simultaneously. Help them take this mask off. Just for once... let the refs... look on fouls with their own eyes.

The "If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed [shoots lightning from fingertips]" Award: To Charles Barkley and the TNT studio, for plugging the upcoming X-Men movie by making it sound like an Inside the NBA halftime conversation. Kenny thinks Gambit is the toughest member of the X-Men and Sir Charles thinks it's Wolverine, and it all sounds normal until Barkley literally grows a pair of Wolverine claws to prove his point.

The Phantom Menances report: Lacktion so mysterious and steeped in pseudo-intellectual political drama you might not even get it...courtsey of Chris:

Spurs-Mavs: Ryan Hollins's one assist and steal in 13:53 were not enough to overcome some truly bawful miscues: one brick, one giveaway, and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl, his second Voskuhl of the postseason!

(Oh, and in a sign that the Spurs are in trouble...Fabricio Oberto was the leading scorer for San Antonio. Ouch.)

Lakers-Jazz: In a game decided by a clutch Deron Williams shot, you'd think that lacktivity would be far from the minds of Jerry Sloan and Phil Jackson - two coaches who have met before in the NBA Finals!

And you'd be very, very wrong.

For when you have the personnel to lack it up, and theoretically rest up contributors a few seconds or more...sometimes you just have to go with a championship-winning formula. So when it looked like the Lakers were ready to negate Utah's home court, Coach Zen brought out Josh Powell, who snookered himself at the rim once in 1:47 for a +1 suck differential. He also watched as Andrew Bynum - who is rumored to be hobbled with injury issues - provided a decidedly crippling performance at center in 7:08, negating two boards, a field goal, and two free throws with five fouls and two giveaways for a slight 7:6 Voskuhl.

Earlier in the match, the Jazz confidently trotted out Jarron Collins as a starting big man, and he successfully failed to deliver despite the obstacles of a made free throw and one board. Three fouls in 7:07 provided the impetus for a Madsen-level 3:2 Voskuhl, when the Jazz looked great in that first quarter.

Even though the Lakers had a serious chance to blow the game wide open, Sloan never lost faith and trotted out a human victory cigar in Brevin Knight. Brevin crowned himself the richest lacktator of the night with a 2.95 trillion take!

Kobe Bryant: He convinced Leia to kiss Luke to make Han jealous. And then he ate an Ewok.

About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as the NBA constantly reminds him that his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, are not in the 2009 playoffs. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, using quotes from Star Wars discreetly in conversation, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, I am your father, it's a trap, Los Angeles Lakers, siblings kissing, Star Wars, that's no moon

Directed (and presumably "written") by Steve Nash, starring Shaq (as Thaddeus Thundercastle) and Alando Tucker (as Billy Ray Badger). It's, well, it's...aw, hell, I have no idea what this is.


That was just the teaser trailer. There's more. Dear god in heaven, there's more. Watch it at your own risk. And if you do, say hello to Saint Peter for me. Or whoever has his job, but in HELL.

Editor's note: After sitting through the entire four-minute horror, Evil Ted said: "I want to give Steve Nash my ass pennies for putting me through that."

Labels: Alando Tucker, buddy cop movies, Shaq, Steve Nash, worse than bad porn

"With the blast shield down I can't even see! How'm I supposed to fight?"
Want the Birdman back in Denver next season? Sign the online petition! (Details here.)

The Orlando Magic: The Magicians pulled out the victory, but you can file this under "Losses That Aren't As Good As Others." For the second straight game, Orlando built an 18-point lead over the Sixers. And for the second straight game, Philly came back, pulling to within 5 points late in the fourth quarter. And man, was the home crowd quiet. I'm talking "you could hear a mouse pee on cotton" quiet. The Magic held off the rally, thanks to some late-game heroics by Rashard Lewis (in particular his offensive rebound and put back with less than 30 ticks to go). But they gave the Sixers reason to be really, really confident going into Game 3 in Philadelphia.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Sure, the successful comeback and the near-comeback were pretty inspiring and could qualify as confidence builders...but consistently falling behind by almost 20 points isn't exactly a proven formula for playoff success. Solid advice for the Sixers: Stop spotting your opponents a ginormous lead.

Dwight Howard: Superman fouled out with 3:11 remaining in the fourth quarter. Yes, it's always a great situation to be without your superstar, MVP-candidate and recently named Defensive Player of the Year down the stretch of a tight, must-win playoff game. Plus, even before he received his walking papers, Dwight was having a pretty average game: 11 points (4-for-6, 3-for-7 from the line), 10 boards, 2 assists. He did have game-high 4 blocks, though, but still, this game was the NBA-equivalent of Lois Lane being forced to defeat General Zod at the end of Superman II.

Samuel Dalembert: Now that he's gone assist-less in Philly's first two playoff games, his assist total for the past 31 games stands at 2. That's 0.06 APG. Yinka Dare is smiling down on you from Basketball Heaven, Sam.

Update! More on Dalembert from an anonymous commenter: "In addition to Sam Dalembert's assist numbers, it's also worth noting that he picked up 4 fouls (and a tech!) in nine minutes last night. Oh, and he was left on the bench so Theo Ratliff (who is, in fact, 36 years old) could defend Dwight Howard." More from Basketbawful reader bizarro: "He was totally crucified by ESPN journalists in their "extreme behaviour" section in Daily Dime: 'WEDNESDAY'S WORST -- Samuel Dalembert, Sixers: Philadelphia knew it was going to lose the starting center matchup against Dwight Howard, but this is ridiculous. Dalembert had just two points and no rebounds." Looks like ESPN is starting to like the bawful narrative style too. way to go bawful!" The takeover has begun. You've been warned.

Magic announcers (?): Basketbawful reader jj said: "One of the Magic announcers just called Theo Ratliff "one of the greatest shot blockers of all time". Dikimbe Mutombo is rolling over in his hospital bed." Well...Ratliff ranks 18th on the all-time list with 1902 career blocks. He's also 11th in BPG with 2.53 per. AND he's currently 3rd all-time in block percentage (an estimate of the percentage of opponent two-point field goal attempts blocked by the player while he was on the floor) at 7.25*. So, you know, by the numbers, Theo is up there...although it's worth noting they didn't track blocks back when Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain were playing.

*Look at this murderer's row of a Top 5 in block percentage: Manute Bol (10.17), Shawn Bradley (7.83), Ratliff, Greg freaking Ostertag (6.97) and Mark Eaton (6.92). That sound you just heard was the wailing cry emanating from the Stilt's grave...

The Atlanta Hawks: Boy oh boy, the Heat looked seriously de-flamed after scoring a season-low 64 points in Game 1. That brutal defeat seemed to solidify the notion that the Hawks could not be beaten in Atlanta. I mean, hey, the Celtics weren't able to do it last season, and that team went on to win the NBA title. What hope did a crummy fifth seed have? Well, they had one big one named Dwyane Wade, who shook off whatever icks he had in the first game to score 33 points (11-for-20) to go along with 5 boards, 7 assists 2 blocks and (typically ) 5 turnovers. Wade hit six of his 10 three-point attempts, including one late-gamer that he accidentally banked in with the shot clock heading toward expiration. Said Wade: "I didn't call 'bank.' Just like everybody in the building, I'm not going to tell a story, I was shocked, too."

It was just that kind of night for the Hawks, who found themselves inexplicably down by 18 points in an arena where they thought they were invincible. They closed to within 5 points late in the fourth, but that was as close as they could get it before finally losing by 15. Atlanta's defense was dreadful: Miami nearly 56 percent of their shots (40-for-72), including almost 58 percent of their threes (15-for-26). Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal lit 'em up for 19 points on 6-for-9 shooting. Daequan Cook added 20 while going 7-for-12 from the field and 6-for-9 from downtown.

Bonus commentary from AnacondaHL: "Goodness Bawfulness! Not only was Al Horford, center, the leading assist man for Atlanta (5), but they allowed Jermaine O'Neal to become a presence on the inside. I repeat: Jermaine O'Neal was a key factor to Miami's win. Can we please just get to the LAL-CLE Finals already?"

Publicity stunts: Sometimes they just go wrong:

The Hawks' real-life mascot got a little flying time during the playoffs.

"Spirit," an actual hawk that flies down from the rafters during the pre-game introductions, decided to hang around for the start of Game 2 against the Miami Heat on Wednesday night.

The bird was perched atop the scoreboard at tipoff, refusing to go to his handler. Then he swooped around the arena while the game was going on, landing on a railing in the lower deck before he settled on the top of the basket at the Hawks end of the court.

When the players spotted the bird, they refused to go on. The game was halted with 8:28 remaining in the first quarter until the handler finally arrived, luring Spirit to his arm and carrying him out of the arena to cheers from the crowd -- and several players.

Wait a tick. The PLAYERS refused to go on? You mean those big, bad millionaires were afraid of a hawk attack? Memo to NBA players everywhere: Hawks don't eat people. According to this story, hawk attacks are pretty rare and there's a better chance of getting harassed by MOCKINGBIRDS than hawks. Of course, the story lead is about a girl who WAS attacked by a hawk...and ended up with a concussion. Said even assumed that she had been hit "with a log or something really hard and heavy." Wait, what?! Who assumes they've been hit with a log??


Update! Bonus bawful from Mladen, who sent in a few lines from the AP recap: "The players weren't to eager to play the game with a bird of prey staring down at them. Atlanta's Josh Smith and Al Horford looked more shaken than anyone. 'You see Al Horford duck and run, I was like, 'Let me run for cover as well,' Wade said. 'It was kind of weird having the hawk fly around. It's hard to play with your back to that hawk on the backboard.' Turns out, the real hawk showed more aggressiveness than any of the players wearing Hawks across the front of their jerseys..."

But wait, there's more! Mladen also had a close encounter of the lacktive kind last night:

I just had to share this with you.

I will never wash my hand again (actually, I'm lying - I washed it about 15 times by now), because it shook the hand of a lacktion superstar!

You see, I live in Serbia, and have already seen my share of NBA "stars" (in fact, I had a pretty weird stare down moment with Darko "Embarassing my own country beyond belief" Milicic at a local club men's room...). I've even had a chance to check out Michael Beasley before he was drafted, when he was playing in the U19 World Championship in my city. (Team USA got schooled by Team Serbia.)

It's really not weird for me to see African-American athletes around town, so I wasn't really phased when, last night, I went out with a friend who hangs out with the two American players that have had the pleasure and privilege of playing (and mostly losing) for the local team. So, the guy comes up to me, introduces himself, and we shake hands. I couldn't hear his name, so I asked my friend, and she said "Hassan Adams".

I spent the next 15 minutes trying to figure out why does that name sound so familiar. Yep. That's right. I hung out with THE Hassan Adams. The guy that averaged a trillion at one point in his stellar carrier. I could almost cry...I'm only sorry that I can't provide pictures, but I'm sure you'll believe me. On the other hand, I can provide a very interesting fact: Hassan's stats with the ladies here are just as bawful. (According to a relieable source.)

Oh, Mladen, you CANNOT drop such a brutal tease on us and then not give up a little of the, ahem, juicier "advanced statistics" on our boy Hassan. If you don't want them to appear on the main page, we do have a comments section...

Jamaal Magloire: The former all-star center -- I swear, it happened...he even had 19 points, 8 rebounds, a steal and a block in the 2004 All-Star Game -- logged 11 minutes and 16 seconds without scoring a single point, collecting a single rebound or blocking a single shot. He did commit a couple fouls, tho'.

The New Orleans Hornets: And to think, people were calling this team "great" as recently as earlier this season. But last night they suffered their second straight double-digit loss in Denver to fall behind 2-0 in their best-of-seven first round series with the Nuggets. And -- get this! -- Chauncey Billups is killing Chris Paul. KILLING HIM. Billups, who scored 36 points and went 8-for-9 from beyond the arc in Game 1, scored a game-high 31 points while going 8-for-15 from the field, 4-for-6 from three and 11-for-11 from the line. Meanwhile, CP3 scored only 14 (5-for-11) and had a game-high 5 turnovers...nearly equaling the output of the entire Nuggets team. And to think, I said Paul was going to make Chauncey look old in this series. What a boner!

On the subject of TOs, New Orleans committed 17, which led to 23 bonus points for the Nuggets. Denver, on the other hand, bumbled the ball away only 6 times, giving up a single point. The playoffs are all about ball control...and the Hornets are way out of control.

George Karl, "What the hell is he SAYING?" machine: Regarding the rather amazing play of Mr. Big Shot: "I do want to kind of apologize. I said he's a player without skills (after the series opener). He's very skilled. But he plays the game without skills a lot. He plays the game with a brain, and a teamness, a point guard leadership. Then he figures out when to put the skills in the game. I'm happy he's putting a few more skills on the court lately. It's pretty cool." That's nice...I think?

Joe Dumars: In addition to the scoring and leadership, here are some other fun Billups facts: This is the first time Billups has had consecutive turnover-free playoff games in the same year in his career. His dozen three-pointers are a Nuggets franchise best for any playoff series. And he's knocked down 57 straight free throws overall. Meanwhile, his trading counterpart, Allen Iverson, was banished from Detroit for the betterment of the Pistons as a team. I would be willing to bet that there's a lot of throwing up in one's own mouth going on in the Dumars household right about now.

Lacktion report: And back at the Hall of Justice, Chris consults the Bat Computer for the latest lactivity updates...

Sixers-Magic: Samuel Dalembert did make a field goal and blocked a shot in 8:56, but four fouls left him with a 4:2 Voskuhl.

Heat-Hawks: Jamaal Magloire had one assist in 11:16, only to contribute little else except a pair of fouls for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

THE Mario West gets his first mention in Nintendo Power Magazine this postseason with a 30-second Mario!

Hornets-Nuggets: Hilton Armstrong reserved a place in the lacktion report tonight with a +3 in 4:23 via brick, rejection, and foul.

Denver's Jason Hart circulated enough just enough copies of Metal Gear to score himself a 59 second Mario, also recorded as a +1 via brick.

People who want to lose weight: Basketbawful reader hellshocked shocked the hell out of me by pointing out that people are twittering Shaq for weight-loss advice.

The Chicago Tribune: You want to know one big reason why newspapers are failing? I'm glad you asked:

While the Chicago Tribune laid off more than 10 percent of its news staff Wednesday, the paper's corporate overlords sought bankruptcy court approval of a plan to pay $13 million in bonuses to top managers.

Tribune Co., operating under Chapter 11, said in court documents that the bonuses are essential for executives who provided "extraordinary contributions during an exceptionally difficult year" in 2008. They would be shared by 700 managers throughout the company, excluding its 10 top officers.

The average bonus would be $18,273, which the company noted is down sharply from prior years. In its filing, it said 16 percent would get more than $30,000.

Meanwhile, newsroom employees at the media giant's flagship had their own morale issues as managers conducted the biggest one-day purge since real estate entrepreneur Sam Zell took over the company. The layoffs are a response to declines in advertising revenue, a fate shared by media companies across the country.

(From print edition only) Tribune Co. said managers deserve bonuses for masterminding cuts that bolstered cash flow. It said that in 2008, the company cut 13 percent of its jobs, or 2,400 positions.

So, to recap, a major metropolitan newspaper undergoing bankruptcy proceedings just axed 10 percent of its news staff while asking the government for special permission to dole out $13 million in BONUSES to executives who brilliantly MASTERMINDED firing people who made much, much less money than they do. That's just...great.

Evil lesbians: More from the "I couldn't possibly make this up" files:

After suffocating her lover, Nicole Abusharif hid Becky Klein's body in the trunk of the couple's 1966 Ford Mustang, DuPage County prosecutors said Wednesday.

Hours later, Abusharif gave another girlfriend a present to show how serious she was about her: a car key.

"It was the ignition key to the Ford Mustang where Becky's body was lying entombed," prosecutor Joseph Ruggiero told jurors as Abusharif's murder trial opened in Wheaton.

Abusharif, 28, is accused of using duct tape and a plastic bag to smother her long-term partner on March 15, 2007, at their Villa Park home. After the murder, she allegedly dumped Klein's body in the car, which was parked in a garage at their house.

Abusharif, Ruggiero said, left after the slaying to meet the woman -- whom she had been seeing for a year -- in a Palos Park bar. She brought her back later that night to the home she had shared with Klein.

"Within an hour of killing her life partner, what did the defendant do? She went out with her new girlfriend," he said. Abusharif faces a possible life sentence if convicted.

I once watched a video about lesbian suffocation, and it wasn't anything like this. But...perhaps I've said too much.

Fake ninjas: This story came my way via Henry Abbott, who apparently shares my fascination with the deadly art of the ninja:

A man witnesses said was dressed like a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a dry cleaner on Main Street, police said.

The man, wearing a ski mask and a sword in a sheath on his belt, walked into the Tedeschi convenience store at 1039 Main St. around 8 a.m. Monday, Sgt. Richard Fuller said.

"All the witnesses said he was dressed like a ninja," Fuller said. "He was in all black including the black ski mask. And they said it was a 'ninja sword' (he was carrying)."

A clerk, alarmed by the man's appearance, called police. When the man noticed her, he pulled his mask off and asked if she was calling about him, Fuller said.

When she said she was, the man left the store and walked into nearby Galaxy Cleaners.

There, Fuller said he pointed a sword at the register and asked a clerk to give him all of the money inside. She told him she couldn’t open the drawer, and the man left the scene, Fuller said.

Said Henry: "My favorite part of that whole thing is that he went to a Dry Cleaners. Any real ninja looking for some extra cash would have the decency to knock over a gun shop or a biker bar or something." I agreed, and further suggested that no self-respecting ninja would perpetrate a crime that would leave fewer than 20 horribly mutilated dead bodies in its wake.

Now, I'm not saying for certain that Weymouth's mystery ninja is in mortal danger from real ninjas seeking retribution for his attack on their honor. After all, 100 percent of everything we actually know about ninjas is just pure guesswork, so artful and cunning are they in hiding their existence from the world at large. (To date, forensic experts have been unable to uncover even a single piece of biological evidence to prove ninjas are real. This is mostly because they are hairless, skinless, and they neither poop nor pee.) But I will tell you this: If somebody at some point finds this man's lifeless body riddled with Chinese throwing stars that disappear in the twinkle of an eye, leaving no trace that they ever existed, forcing authorities to explain the death away as "natural causes" even though it seems as though he might have died of pure fear...well, I won't be surprised.

Charley Hill: Never heard of him? I'm not surprised. He's the 19-year-old boyfriend of Linda Bollea...a.k.a., Hulk Hogan's wife. As Basketbawful reader Axel Foley said in response to yesterday's post: "Who the hell bones the Hulkster's wife? What a dick. I would definitely be willing to deliver a beating on Hogan's behalf." I agree. And I'll probably just do that if I ever run into him. There are certain things nobody should do, like poop in Santa's hat, dress like gay Tron and do the dirty with Mrs. Hulk. Of course, note that Linda had to find a boyfriend who was young enough to probably not have an incurable case of Hulkamania. A Hulkamaniac would punch himself in the genitals until death before defiling Hogan's wife.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, NBA playoffs, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

I forgot to ask everybody to vote Basketbawful in the second round of the Basketblog Header Playoffs...but we won anyway, edging the top-seeded Fear The Beard by the slimmest of margins. I know, I know. We rock.

Basketbawful is going up against Red's Army in the Final Four. It's time for you, dear readers, to go over there and put me over the top, Sylvester Stallone-style.

Okay then. Now that I've gotten the shameless plug out of the way, here's some hand-holdin' man love, sent in by both Dan B. and Michael T. (who provided the caption.) Take a careful peek into the background. Is that the rage of jealousy I see in Mamba's grim visage...?

Te amo, Bynum.

Labels: Andrew Bynum, fan submissions, man love, Pau Gasol, shameless voting plug

The Detroit Pistons: I'll get to their "amazing comeback" in a minute. The Pistons are in way over their heads against the Crabs. The series is a joke. Nobody's giving them a chance. All anybody can talk about is how far this squad has fallen from what they were. Their defense is average at best, and the offensive execution that has been their hallmark for the last several years just isn't there anymore. (Turns out it's in Denver...inside Chauncey Billups.) "Total disarray" doesn't begin to touch upon the disappointment that is the Pistons. For a team that isn't suffering from any major injuries or any serious internal dissent (that we know of), this collapse is just depressing. Basically, it took the Cavs collectively hitting the snooze button for them to finish within a dozen points.

Iverson's cap-munching contract comes off the books this summer. So they're gonna have cap space. Joe Dumars can still turn this thing back around. But if he doesn't, he could go down in Detroit history as the second-coming of Matt Millen...which is crazy.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: Way to fall asleep in the fourth quarter, guys. The Crabs were up by 29 points in the fourth quarter when LeBron and, apparently, everybody else checked out of the game. Detroit then went on an improbable 27-5 run, pulling to within 7 points with 3:51 left. King Crab and the rest of the Cleveland starters were forced back into service to pull out the win. Memo to the Craboliers: Despite your stunning dominance, David Stern still requires you to play a full 48 minutes per game. Thank you. Said Mo Williams: "We're getting out of here with a sour taste in our mouths." Yeah, that's called vomit, Mo.

The Cavs' bench: Cleveland's pine jockeys combined for exactly one field goal. Not in the fourth quarter...FOR THE ENTIRE GAME. The reserves went 1-for-11 in 61 minutes of truly craptastic lacktion.

On the subject of the Crabs, Jamali Jack sent in a link to this video, via Slam Online: "Remember how serious the Celtics were during the Playoffs? That sort of concentration could drive a player to insanity! Well, the Cavs found a way to alleviate the pressure that comes with having the League’s best record. Although it’s not a closet full of cold ones, this isn't a bad remedy either."


Ron Artest: With Greg Oden and the Vanilla Godzilla dropping a steel net over Yao Ming (11 points, 4 fouls), Ron-Ron stepped in to pick up the slack...by chucking it up without conscience. Artest went 8-for-20 from the field yet somehow attempted only two free throws. That's probably because 18 of his 20 attempts were jump shots. That included a 1-for-8 effort from beyond the arc.

But it doesn't stop there. Brandon Roy went supernova, blowing up for 42 points (15-for-27 from the field, 10-for-12 from the line) and committing zero turnovers against the combined defense of Artest and Shane Battier. Roy also drilled a late-game three right in Ron's mug to push Portland's lead to 7 with 2:27 left. Not exactly a proud performance for a former Defensive Player of the Year. Maybe next time Artest can just pants Roy and then sing him a jaunty tune...


Still, despite the win, Wild Yams doesn't sound sold on the Blazers: "If I was Portland, I'd be most scared of the fact that their main advantage supposedly is their home court edge, and yet at home they got blown out in one game and barely won a second game in which their two stars had monster games while the opposing team's star hardly did anything. Portland's gonna get hammered in Houston."

Greg Oden: From AnacondaHL: "Just wanted to make sure you didn't miss Greg Oden's outstanding 24.75 PF/48min performance last night (his season average was 8.7 (link says FT per 36, but it's PF per 48). Obviously we're going to have to invent the Oden metric of bawful." Sounds like a challenge...get on it, people!

The End of Mount Mutumbo: Major, major sad face here, people:

Houston Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo said his lengthy career is finished after a knee injury knocked him out of the Rockets' playoff game Tuesday night against the Trail Blazers.

"For me, basketball is over," he said.

Mutombo, an 18-year NBA veteran, appeared to get tangled with Portland center Greg Oden and came down hard on his left leg late in the first quarter of Game 2 and did not return.

He stayed prone on the court under the Blazers’ basket for several moments before he was taken away by stretcher. A preliminary examination revealed a knee strain.

Afterward in Houston's locker room, the 7-foot-2 veteran was on crutches and fighting back tears.

"Nobody ever thought they'd be carrying the big guy out like a wounded soldier," he said.

Mutombo, the league's oldest player at 42, will be examined by doctors in Houston on Wednesday.

"Dikembe is one of the statesmen of this league," teammate Shane Battier said. "There's not a better guy. To see him in pain is tough to see. He cares so much about this game that he doesn’t want to end his career like that. That's the tragedy of it, too."

Goddamn it, Greg Oden! It's bad enough you can't keep your own body from breaking down, did you really have to destroy Dikembe, too? I guess Greg just wanted to officially become the oldest player in the NBA, and only Mutumbo was in his way. Anyway, since I'm way too bummed to write a proper tribute, here's one of my all-time favorite Mutumbo commercials:


The Utah Jazz: What can I say? The Jazz gave it there all and still came up woefully short. As Radical Rex put it: "Letting Shannon Brown, yes the Shannon Brown who has this for his NBA.com profile picture, score 12 points on you in the playoffs = fail. Fail! Fail! Fail! Also don't forget Jarron Collins the anti-Midas, everything he touches turns to sh*t. He was back to his old ways last night. As usual he showed a marked preference for fouling (4) over rebounding (2). Why Coach Jerry Sloan chose to start Collins over a lukewarm pail of dishwater is beyond me."

Frankly, I'm less concerned about Collins than I am about Utah's defense. L.A. shot 60 percent from the field (45-for-75) and 55 percent from beyond the arc (11-for-20). Deron Williams scored a playoff career-high 35 points, Carlos Boozer had a double-double (20 points, 10 rebounds) and the Jazz forced 21 turnovers...yet none of that mattered. They looked overwhelmed and overmatched against a well-balanced Lakers team that had seven players in double figures. But keep in mind, Utah is a terrible road team and a pretty good home team. So I want to see how they play in Game 3 before I officially write them off. (I'm kidding. I've already written them off.)

Fox News: Utah's injury problems have gotten so out of hand that players who aren't even on the team are listed in their injury report. Thanks to DL for the screen capture:


Lacktion report: Chris is serving up some yummy playoff lacktion.

Pistons-Cavs: Another double-digit loss in the toughest home aquarium in the Association provides the scene for a routine night of basketball lacktivity. Michael Curry spiced up the bench through the appearance of Mr. #1 Overall himself, Kwame Brown, whose three rebounds in 18:38 were negated by three bricks, two giveaways, one rejection and five fouls for a massive Voskuhl of 7:3! Ouch.

Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson continues to pinch out pointlessness with a three-brick and two-foul stint in 6:20 - two of those three missed shots at the charity stripe! - resulting in a nice suck differential of +5, the top mark so far this postseason in his second straight showing of somnambulence.

Jazz-Lakers: Ronnie Price spent two minutes flat working on a one-brick appearance from the Santa Ana Freeway, resulting in a +1.

Ericka Dampier: Most of you already know that Ms. Dampier is envoking "Parker Rules" for Game 3 of the Mavs-Spurs series, but here's what Basketbawful reader Sturla had to say about it: "So Erick Dampier was a little pissed that Mr. Longoria used the last game as a layup drill and has promised to 'put him on his back' the first time he drives to the basket in their next game. Ok, I'm all good with that, growing up watching the Knicks beating the shit out of everybody in their way (and sometimes going out of their way to do so), so that’s my kind of basketball. But after watching this video, my question to Dampier is: How the hell are you going to do that when you haven't even crossed the !"#$%@ middle when he's finishing his layup?!?" That's a reasonable question, I'd say.

Hulk Hogan: This is a few days late. I meant to include it in Worst of the Weekend, but here it is: Hogan, otherwise known as the creator of Hulkamania, one of mankind's most pervasive and influential social movements, currently is going through a turbulent and bitter divorce. So bitter, in fact, that the Hulk recently said he...gets why O.J. Simpson slaughtered his ex-wife?! Oh yes he did: "I could've turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat. You see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, sleeping in your bed, with your wife. I mean, I totally understand O.J." This statement, naturally, prompted the expected backlash, after which his wife, Linda, said through her rep that she's taking Hulk's "homocidal comments seriously." Of course, Hogan's rep let everybody know that his client "in no way condones the O.J. situation." Hulk himself said his comments were taken out of context, and his daughter, Brook, agrees.

What a mess. Know who I blame? Hulk's evil alter ego, "Hollywood Hogan." If Hulk spray paints a fake beard on his face, we'll know for sure what's going on.

Guillain-Barre Syndrome: In case you haven't brushed up on little-known autoimmune diseases lately, GBS is a rare condition that occurs when immune system cells mistakenly attack nerve cells that support the muscles...and it has hospitalized William "The Refrigerator" Perry. The Fridge currently is in serious condition at a South Carolina hospital. On the bright side, Perry's agent has said that he'll be okay.

That's a relief, but it's still rather jarring to imagine the Fridge -- one of NFL history's truly indomitable figures -- laying prone and nearly helpless in a hospital bed. If you grew up in or around the Chicagoland area, then the legend of Perry and the 1985 Chicago Bears are probably forever burned into your subconscious. Those players were immortals, and still are around these parts. And the Fridge was probably the second-most loved of them, after (of course) the great, great Walter Payton. Let's hope he feels better very soon.

Crazy freaking strippers: Basketbawful reader James wrote: "I know how we have these stories some times like the Scranton chicken wings lady...well this one is from King James' town and involves a fight to the death (almost) between two 50-year-old strippers." Yes, this warrants reprinting the entire story:

A 52-year-old woman who took a job as an exotic dancer to help make ends meet was attacked on her first day by a jealous co-worker armed with a stiletto shoe, police said.

The altercation occurred Friday night at Club 1245 at 1245 E. Tallmadge Ave., according to Akron police.

The victim received multiple cuts to her face that were treated at a local hospital with seven staples, police said. She has refused to discuss the incident with detectives.

Police said the victim needed extra money and got the job with the help of a friend. Friday was her first day, and as she walked into the basement dressing room, she was attacked by a co-worker armed with the shoe, police said.

"The other girls were upset she was there and said, 'We don't need any more dancers around here,'" Akron police Lt. Rick Edwards said.

A dancer then took her high-heeled shoe and began striking the rookie stripper in the face, police said. The victim was taken to Akron General Medical Center, where nurses contacted police.

The victim left the emergency room before police arrived. Edwards said the dancer did not want to make a report. However, hospital officials are obligated under Ohio law to report the assault.

The suspect is described only as a black female in her late 40s.

I want this to serve as an object lesson, guys. Strippers are insane. I'm talking pure, dagnasty crazy. If you frequent strip clubs, or even go just on the random occasion, chances are you may actually get hit on by a stripper. Trust me, it happens more than you'd think. It's happened to me. It's happened to my friends. And it NEVER ends well. Don't be fooled. Just hand over your money and walk away. Don't be tricked into thinking "I'm the freaking man! This stripper totally wants to go out with me!" Just remember the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar. I'll leave it at that.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Hulk Hogan, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Worst of the Night

The Boston defense: Keep in mind that everything the Celtics have accomplished the last two seasons has been based on a foundation of defense. Tom Thibodeau was the mad scientist behind their Defensenstein Monster. But without KG cleaning up everybody's mistakes (much like Alice on "The Brady Bunch"), Thibs doesn't look quite so genius-y, does he? In a must-win home playoff game, the C's gave up 115 points on 50 percent shooting (40-for-80). And, yeah, they put a lid on Derrick Rose, but Ben Gordon had a playoff career-high 42 points (14-for-24) -- including Chicago's final 12 -- despite the fact that Boston knew it was going to him every single possession down the stretch. BG was steaming like an atomic pile. I get that. But you'd think that one of the best defensive teams in the league would be able to figure out a way to get the ball out of Gordon's hands.

It's also worth noting that the Bulls ran out for 21 fast break points, which seems like an awful lot to for slow-it-down, grind-it-out playoff basketball.

The Bulls' rebounding: Talk about wasting an opportunity. Chicago could have put the Celtics into a crushing 2-0 series hole if they could have just grabbed a few more rebounds. Instead, they got pounded on the boards (50-36). Most damning was the fact that they gave up 21 offensive rebounds...which allowed Boston to score 32 second-chance points. As Vinny Del Negro said: "I loved the grit and toughness of our team, but you can't expect to win when you get outrebounded like that."

A By The Horns commenter named Nate pointed out that: "This game was lost by the failure of the Bulls guards to rebound. Gordon and Salmons combined for 2 defensive rebounds in 83 minutes of playing time. That's absolutely pathetic." And, indeed, Rajon Rondo -- who overcame a mild ankle sprain to finish with a triple-double (19/12/16) and 5 steals -- had 7 offensive rebounds. Opposing point guards should never have 7 offensive rebounds. Ever. And his biggest of the game came with 30 seconds left. The Bulls were up 113-112 when Rondo short-armed a 17-footer but managed to chase down his shot and dish it out to Ray Allen for a go-ahead three-pointer. As critical end-of-game mistakes go, that one was a doozy.

Other random Bulls-Celtics notes from Basketbawful reader DKH: "Wow, Chicago held a block party in Boston with 14 blocks in their loss...but they should work on protecting the boards more, where they allowed 21 offensive rebounds. Think that might have something to do with losing by 3 points? Ray Allen played nearly 40 minutes, and had 30 points, and was +5. Stephon Marbury played 9 minutes, had 2 points, and was -19. Ben Gordon had 42 points on 24 shots...and no assists, and also no turnovers. So he didn't cost his team, but he didn't give the ball up, I guess."

Joakim Noah: It's not Jo's fault. Ray Allen hit a redonkulous shot. But still, Noah was dotted by a game-winning shot. Speaking of which, here's some bonus bawful! Ray Allen on his game-winner (via Chris):


I feel like these Northmass clips shouldn't be as funny as they are...

Update! Vinny Del Negro: An anonymous commenter mentioned something I got a little upset about at By The Horns: "I think Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro deserves a lot of blame for the loss for poor timeout management -- couldn't even advance the ball to get a decent play up. I'm betting, with the way Gordon was shooting, if he got even a semblance of a good look, game goes to overtime." It's true. And this was the second straight game Vinny ran his team out of timeouts at the end of regulation. It didn't cost him Game 1, but it was part of what potentially cost his team Game 2.

Update! Officiating blunders: From Basketbawful reader J.T. Magee: "Doesn't really matter anymore, but the refs should be added to that bawful list by botching John Salmons' 3-pointer at the end of the 3rd quarter. The shot clock still said 1 when he let it go. It went in. It would've given Chicago a one-point lead heading into the 4th quarter. The buzzer sounded and the ref next to Salmons, I believe it was Steve Javie, blew his whistle after hearing the buzzer, not thinking about whether or not Salmons actually let the shot go in time. A shame shot clock violations can't be reviewed, too. Wasn't it a Ray Allen 3 that won the game, too?"


The Dallas Mavericks: That crashing, banging, crumpling sound you just heard? It was the Mavs coming back down to earth. I guess they figured their job was done when they surprised the Spurs in Game 1. They barely showed up for Game 1. Dallas let San Antonio shoot over 53 percent and dominate the boards (44-28) like they were Zed and every rebound was the Gimp he kept locked up in the basement. And on the subject of non-consensual BDSM, Tony Parker gave them quite the spanking in what might be the first occurrence in human history in which anyone has ever surrendered to the French. TP Parker went wild for 27 points in the first half and finished with 38 points (3 points off his playoff high) on 16-for-22 shooting. Parker also dished out 9 assists and grabbed as many rebounds (4) as Erick Dampier, otherwise known as "The Mavs' starting center."

But wait, there's more. The five Dallas starters finished with a combined plus-minus score of -70, led by Jason Kidd's -21. That's the same J-Kidd, by the way, who was responsible for defending the Spurs' PG. You know, Tony Parker. Anyway, the 21-point loss -- and Dirk's 3-for-14 shooting -- temporarily restored order in the NBA Universe. Now we'll see what the Spurs can do in Dallas. Bad news for the Mavericks: San Antonio has come back to win four series after losing Game 1 since 2002.

Update! Mark Cuban: Basketbawful reader Mladen pointed this out: "Mavs owner Mark Cuban punched a water cooler as San Antonio pulled away in the fourth." RAAARGH!! MARK CUBAN SMASH WATER COOLER!!

Update! Mark Cuban (again): More superdickery from Marky Mark. Phoenix Stan of Bright Side of the Sun had the gall to ask Cuban a fair question -- go here for details -- and Mark's response was...rather typical: "Time to step away from the blog and get a real job." You've been SERVED, Phoenix Stan. Because there's no way blogging could ever be considered a real job...

Update! Mike Budenholzer, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Mike T: "Prior to game 2 of the Spurs-Mavs series, the Spurs TV announcer asked Spurs assistant coach Mike Budenholzer about adjustments that need to be made. Part of Coach Bud's response was: 'At the end of the day I think there was too much penetration, they were inside of us too much.'"

TNT: Another nomination from DKH. So...this is what TNT has come to? C-Webb challenging Charles Barkley to eat a piece of bread. That's it? Unless that bread was on fire, covered with crawling insects or attached to David Stern's mouth, I can't imagine how it could possibly rate coverage. Here's the shocking footage.


Update! Lacktion report: I should be added to Chris' report...as I almost lacktioned it out of this post.

Bulls-Celtics: Tony Allen is on fire as Boston's lacktator of choice, getting the green flag from Laikatu to flutter away to the bench after a 4 second Super Mario! His two-game lacktion streak not only puts him in the lead for most lacktive minutes in the Association so far (at 8:27 of unproductivity); he's also managed to have the longest (8:23 in Game 1) and shortest non-contributory stints of the posteason!

Mavs-Spurs: With the former four-time champs back on track, Gregg Popovich culled up several human victory cigars to revel in this 21-point victory. George Hill climbed his way to a goldmine worth 4.95 trillion (making him the richest man in the playoffs so far), while Fabricio Oberto's one made field goal did not counteract the negative stats he accrued in that same 4:58, fouling twice and giving up the rock once for a ritzy 3:2 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Mark Cuban sent Matt Carroll into a wonderland of wealth, taking down a capital gain of 2.35 trillion. And in 4:58, James Singleton missed a lone shot from downtown, took only one foul, and accrued a mere turnover for a suck differential of +3 - his second lacktive appearance in a row!

Amanda Masker: Okay, get this. Masker, a resident of Scranton, Pennsylvania, set her apartment on fire while trying to heat up leftover chicken wings on the stove. When firefighters arrived, one of them "told her to get clothes and get out, Ms. Masker cursed at him, pushed him and then struck him in the chest with her fists, police said. [The firefighter] escorted the struggling woman downstairs, where she was arrested by officers who were called to assist." Nope. Not making it up.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, NBA playoffs, Worst of the Night

The Boston Celtics: I guess you could say they struggled offensively, shooting only 39 percent at home against a team that was ranked 18th in Defensive Efficiency during the regular season. They shanked six free throws, blew 10 layups and missed 48 (out of 68) jump shots. And despite being ranked second in Rebound Rate during the first 82 games, they were outrebounded 53-45 by the team that had been ranked 20th. Said Doc Rivers: "It just looked like everybody decided that they were going to be 'the guy' tonight. They were going to, you know, replace Kevin for whatever reason. And then all of a sudden we got into a fight. And one thing I’d say about our guys, they join in. But, at home, you’re supposed to start it." Added Paul Pierce: "I hope this is a wake-up call. I hope we realize that the Bulls, they're not just a team that’s happy to be in the playoffs. So hopefully the guys will wake up and realize this is reality. We’ve better come to play."

Yes, Derrick Rose (36 points, 12-for-19 from the field, 12-for-12 from the line, 11 assists) had a rookie debut for the ages, but make no mistake: The Celtics were simply outworked and outplayed at home by what is, on paper, an inferior squad. And a large part of the blame falls on...

Ray Allen: You might remember how, when last year's playoffs opened, Ray-Ray's jumper left him for Jason Kapono. Well, she's gone astray yet again, because on Saturday Allen went 1-for-12 and missed all six of his three-point attempts. But it was even worse than that: When Ben Gordon started using and abusing Ray in the fourth quarter, Doc Rivers had to play "witness protection counselor," shuffling Allen around to keep him from getting burned. But, in all fairness to Ray, the C's would have won this game if not for...

Paul Pierce: The self-proclaimed best player in the world shot 8-for-23, committed a team-high 4 turnovers and looked about half as talented as teammate Rajon Rondo (29 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists). But his biggest crime against victory came when he bonked a potentially game-winning free throw with 2.6 seconds left in regulation. That's a pretty big choke by a former NBA Finals MVP. Paul also had a potential game-tying bucket blocked by John "I can hardly move because of this pulled groin" Salmons with 3.7 seconds left in overtime.

Joakim Noah: All in all, he had a great game (11 points, game-high 17 rebounds, co-game-high 3 blocked shots), but he was the guy who fouled Pierce -- on a forced, fade-away jump shot -- at the end of the fourth, giving Paul a chance to win the game outright. As it was, Pierce "only" forced overtime, due to that big miss. But if Chicago had lost the game because of Noah's foul, well, that would have been very unfortunate.

Jon Barry: During the Bulls-Celtics game, he referred to the Chitowners as the "Chicago Bills" right before a commercial break. Playoff broadcasting fail.

The Detroit Pistons: What surprised me most about their 102-84 loss in Cleveland wasn't the margin of defeat or King Crab's rather casual 38/8/7 performance, it was Detroit's lack of fight and fiestiness. At one point, Rasheed Wallace fouled LeBron at the basket and then almost submissively apologized to James for making the contact. That was a chilling moment, kind of like having your car inexplicably break down right next to Camp Crystal Lake. It's not that they weren't trying, exactly, but it sure seemed like they didn't believe they could win. In past season's, I always felt that hubris was this team's downfall. Now it might be the fact that this season's many disappointments -- which started when Chauncey Billups was traded for Allen Iverson -- have broken their collective spirit.

The San Antonio Spurs: Okay, their opening game against Dallas was like a 48-minute Keannu Reeves "whoa!" moment for me. The Mavericks hadn't won a road playoff game since June 3, 2006 (against the Phoenix Suns, natch). Interestingly enough, that was also the same year they beat the Spurs at the Alamo Dome in Game 7 of the Western Conference Semifinals. But despite having dropped nine of their last nine away games during the postseason -- not to mention the fact that they were only 18-23 on the road during the regular season -- meant nothing on Saturday, as Jose Barea owned the fourth quarter, when he harrassed Tony Parker into 2-for-6 shooting while scoring 7 of his 13 points. The Spurs OUTCLUTCHED by Jose Juan Barea?! Yes, it happened. Not only that, but where was the famous San Antonio lockdown defense? Dallas shot nearly 54 percent for the game (42-for-78) and committed only 7 turnovers. And the Spurs did not block a single shot. Seriously.

Tony Parker, pot calling the kettle black machine: According to the AP recap, Parker claimed Barea "was flopping because he's little, but those can go both ways and it didn't go my way tonight." Wowowowowowowowoooooow.

Kevin Brock: I noticed this in the AP game notes: "The Spurs did get one fan favorite back for the playoffs: popular public-address announcer Kevin Brock, who in December blew out his knees shooting baskets before a game." Man, what a way to go down. Better stick to the microphone there, Kevin.

The Portland Trail Blazers: So...this is the team that's going to keep the Lakers from going to the NBA Finals, huh? If their 108-81 home loss to the Rockets was indicative of anything at all, it may be that the young Blazers aren't quite ready to make that leap just yet. Houston shot nearly 60 percent from the field (Yao Ming was a perfect 9-for-9) and outrebounded Portland by 14 (44-30). Yao finished with 24 points and 9 rebounds despite the fact that he didn't take a shot in the second half and sat for all of the fourth quarter...mostly because his team led by as many as 31 over the final 24 minutes. All in all, it was a pretty big egg to lay for a team that is considered nigh-invincible at home (the Blazers were 34-7 at the Rose Garden during the regular season). Said the Vanilla Godzilla: "I think it's disappointing that we didn't come out to play from the start. There's no reason why we shouldn't have come out with the same intensity." Bonus stats: Portland was 1-for-11 from beyond the arc, and only one starter (Brandon Roy) and one pine rider (Greg Oden) reached double figures (21 and 15, respectively). Note that it took Roy 23 shots to scored those 21 points.

The San Antonio Spurs (again): I couldn't help but notice that Luis Scola scored 19 points (on 7-for-9 shooting) and grabbed 9 rebounds in Houston's Game 1 upset. Seriously, you think the Spurs are regretting giving this guy away or what? And if they're not, they should be.

The Utah Jazz: Not much went right for the Jazzercisers on Sunday. They shot like hell (39 percent), couldn't get a stop (the Lakers shot nearly 56 percent), gave up 62 points in the first half, fell behind by 22 after the first 24 minutes and -- despite outscoring L.A. 60-51 in the second half -- never posed any kind of challenge. Said Jerry Sloan: "We had a very difficult time. We gave up 62 points in the first half and it's virtually impossible to beat this team giving them an edge." The most disappointing aspect of this defeat is that the Jazz really were beaten by Trevor Ariza (21 points, 8-for-10 from the field, 3-for-4 from downtown) and Shannon Brown (3-for-3 on threes). Seriously, it's one thing to be beaten by Kobe or Pau...but to be beaten by L.A.'s roleplayers?

Deron Williams dished 17 assists but shot poorly (4-for-14) and Carlos Boozer used all of his energy on offense (27 points, 11-for-16) and none of it on defense. Speaking of which...

Carlos Boozer: From Basketbawful reader Misha: "I want to make sure that Boozer gets a mention in tomorrow's WotW post. I don't think I've ever been as disgusted by watching basketball on TV. Boozer's selective effort was insulting. While I am sure he played as hard as he could on offense, he was practically absent on the other end of the court. He was absolutely abused by Bynum and Gasol in the post. After every turnover, he walked back on defence and several times the Lakers had the numbers just because he didn't bother to run just a little bit harder. His screen and roll defense was by far the worst I've ever seen. Pretending to step out on a screen without actually doing so is much worse in my mind than doing nothing. During the game, he actually created lanes for Kobe to drive to the hoop (picking his own man, Kirilenko or Brewer, a few times)." Yep. The Booz was a loss on defense. But Jerry Sloan doesn't have much choice other than to play him...and pray the Lakers miss a shot or two.

The Los Angeles Lakers: They won handily but, in doing so, gave up 7 points and 7 rebounds to Jarron Collins. And yes, both of those numbers represent season-bests. Speaking of which, Collins went to the line six times. To put this into perspective, Jarron attempted exactly 11 free throws during the regular season. As always, I'm just sayin'...

Dr. Jack Ramsay, unintentionally dirty quote machine: I was listening to Dr. Jack's Jazz-Lakers commentary on ESPN radio, and he noted that the Jazz needed to "keep Andrew Bynum from getting off, or they'll have a load on their hands all night."

The Orlando Magic: The Magicians led by as many as 18 points in the third quarter and were up 14 going into the fourth...during which they were outscored 35-19, losing the game 100-98 on Andre Iguodla's 22-footer with 2.2 ticks on the clock. It was Philly's first victory over Orlando in four tries this season...and there goes that homecourt advantage the Magic spent 82 games fighting for. Here's Iggy's game-winner:


There's no shame in losing to a crazy, contested, fall-away shot like that, right? But where there is some shame -- as in, a lot -- is allowing Donyell Marshall step it up in the fourth, when he drilled a trio of triples and scored 11 huge points. Joke Marshall: "You've got to understand, when I come into the game we're usually down 15 points. So my job is just to come in and shoot." Yet, somehow, the Orlando defense failed to realize that. Fumed Stan Van Gundy: "I was very surprised at the effort. I was surprised not only for our lack of intensity defensively, but I was really surprised with our lack of focus."

Theo Ratliff: From the AP game recap: "In a rare display of speed and power, 34-year-old Magic backup guard Anthony Johnson took it end-to-end and dunked over Ratliff." Yup. Posterized by the old guy. Let's watch, shall we?


The Miami Heat: Ouch. There was plenty for Miami to be humiliated about in yesterday's 90-64 loss. Like, say, the 36 percent shooting, the 19 clanks from three-point land, the beating they took on the boards (50-35), the 7 fourth-quarter points. Yep, this one was ugly. The Hawks tied a franchise record for fewest points allowed in a playoff game, while the Heat were held to their lowest point total of the season. Basically, they could not have looked more pathetic and overmatched. Said Heat coach Erik Spoelestra: "Defensively, we were slow. We were slow in the mind, and whenever there seemed to be a loose ball or rebound, they seemed to have much more desperation than we did, and more physicality than we did." Slow in the mind? That's Miami for you...12 Forrest Gumps.

Dwyane Wade: Not a good game for Pookie: He shot 8-for-21 and committed a game-high 8 turnovers. It seemed like he spent half the game getting knocked around by the Hawks and the other half bitching at the officials. After the game, he got all grumpy when asked about why he attempted only two shots in the third quarter: "I'm criticized if I take all the shots. I’m criticized if I don't." It's hard to be Dwyane Wade, okay, people? Give him some room to breath, okay? It's hard to be a one-man team when the rest of your squad kind of sucks. (And yes, I'm looking at you and your measely 2 rebounds, Jermaine O'Neal.)

The New Orleans Hornets: On Friday's podcast, I noted that the outcome of the Hornets-Nuggets series would hinge on how many big shots Chauncey Billups hit...then immediately noted that Chris Paul was going to make Billups look very old. Well, I was right and horribly wrong all at the same time: Mr. Big Shot scored 36 points and knocked down eight three-pointers -- a career-high -- leading his team to a 113-84 win over New Orleans...which just so happens is the second-biggest blowout in the Nuggets' playoff history. The Hornets were so distracted by not getting a hand in Chauncey's face that they forgot how to shoot the ball (37 percent) or rebound it, losing the Battle of the Boards 49-35. During one particularly brutal stretch, New Orleans was outscored 21-0 between the third and fourth quarters.

Denver fans: From the AP game notes: "A fan threw a bottle on the floor in the closing minutes but nobody was struck on the court, and Paul said a fan threw a giveaway towel in his face at halftime." Huh. Maybe they're still pissed about the Jay Cutler trade.

Weekend lacktivity report: Chris was pretty damn excited about playoff lacktion!

Welcome to the real season, the Association playoffs. And in a year where a lacktion revolution came to fruition from a video game character in Atlanta...we get to begin the most important month or so of the calendar with EVERY game scoring lacktivity! I guess that the utter prestige and recognition of the first ever Damon Jones Award was enough incentive, as well as the trillions of dollars of lacktion figures awaiting the big announcement during one of the Basketbawful Podcasts.

Bulls-Celtics: While the big story at the TDBanknorth Garden was the Bulls' first ever playoff game victory against Boston (highlighted by Derrick Rose's 36 point debut), Tony Allen lacked it up midway in the game with a one-brick +1 in 8:23, the very first lacktator of the postseason!

Pistons-Cavs: Looks like the team that brought Damon Jones out of his shell in 2007 is looking for a strong run at that eponymous playoff award! Sasha Pavlovic spent a mere 3 seconds on court before the second half, but then added quite a few more to open up a treasure chest worth 1.35 trillion. And Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson lived up to his name by pinching out a 1.3 trillion of his own. (Tarence Kinsey melted out of the non-clutch with two made free throws while sharing time with Mr. Jackson.)

Mavs-Spurs: In the most recent iteration of the Battle of Texas, Mark Cuban rolled out his finest tobacco connoiseurs on the AT&T Center court with two shout outs to Doki Doki Panic, Ryan Hollins (40 seconds, along with a +1 via foul that also counts as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl) and James Singleton (38 seconds) both racking up Marios!

The Spurs' loss probably can be best exemplified with Matt Bonner's 18:05 as starting center -- thanks to a brick with no other shot attempts, four fouls, and a giveaway, he managed to score a staggering 5:1 Voskuhl (against one rebound) despite a steal!

Rockets-Blazers: Chucky Hayes put a fright to other lacktators in the Association by taking the wealth acquisition lead with a 2.2 trillion!

Sixers-Magic: One bright spot in an otherwise heartbreaking Game 1 for Orlando was JJ Redick, who gave up the rock once for a +1 suck differential in 6:17.

Heat-Hawks: Speedy Claxton's recent return to the team has given the bench its nicotine fix, with a quickly acquired 3.35 trillion! In that same 3:20, THE Mario West failed to lack it up by being Goomba'd with a board, so Othello Hunter had to overcome his envy of Mario's recognition as the Association's premier lacktator, channeling the spirit of Link into one well-executed 6 second Super Mario!

Labels: NBA playoffs, Worst of the Weekend

UPDATED

If you're a hardcore fan of Basketbawful, or even a softcore fan (sometimes, I'm just in the mood for softcore - wait, what are we talking about?), you've undoubtedly said to yourself, "Self, it would really be awesome to have a more direct mode of access to the inner workings of Basketbawful." Or, based on the commentary of most fans, this inner monologue more likely manifested itself as "Stop dissin' Kobe, you Celtics-humping Laker haters...boy, a podcast would be friggin' cool... not that I even give a crap, because I hate this site, but it would be cool."

Well, we at Basketbawful agree.

Basketbawful Productions, in conjunction with Evil Ted, proudly presents the first Basketbawful Audio podcast.

Listen as Evil Ted tries to sound savvy and knowledgable in the face Basketbawful's gaudy basketball IQ... Laugh as Basketbawful discusses the absurd circumstances that would allow the Lakers to lose to the Jazz, or the Magic to lose to the Sixers... Live in a world when you can actually hear first hand the nerdy insight of what before you could only consume on a 2-dimensional page...Love that you can download us to your iPod and take in amusing sports commentary that is way too explicit for ESPN Radio while you, I don't know, jog in the park, ride the train to work, have sex with your wife/girlfriend, take a bath...

...OK, maybe I'm overselling this, but it's pretty cool nonetheless.

UPDATE: I'm learning which podcast sites are good, and which suck ass. So go to the link below to download the mp3 from a file sharing site:

Labels: Basketbawful Evil Ted 2009 NBA Playoff Preview Podcast

Mario: Action denied.
It's been nearly one year since the Mario was anonymously coined here at BasketBawful. Since then, we've seen a few new statistical revolutions, such as suck differential and the Voskhul, joining the trillion as this blog's Big Four lacktion stats. For your bawful pleasure, I looked deep into the true nature of what Mario West has given the world.

Atlanta's total record: 82 games, 47-35 (57.3%). Of course, they finished better than last year (37-45, 45.1%), so percentages should be looked at relatively.

In honored tradition, let us examine Mario West's 2008-09 end of season statistics with Atlanta's game results:

Mario DNP: 29 games, 14-15 (48.3%)
Super Mario: 3 games, 1-2 (33.3%)
Mario: 17 games, 13-4 (76.5%!!)
No Mario: 27 games, 15-12 (55.6%)
Wario: 6 games, 4-2 (66.7%!)

The positive trend is similar to last year, but notably Mario's Marios increased correlation to an improved Hawks' winning percentage. But how faithful is Mario to these Mushroom Kingdom stats (26 games out of 53)? Additional lacktion numbers:

• Mario's Mario shooting stats: 100% FG%! 100% 3PT%! No wonder the win% is so high.
  
• Total season suck differential: only +6 over 6 games! Each was only +1!
  
• Total Voskuhls: 14. With this year's new Voskuhl metric, Mario recorded only one outstanding Voskuhl, 8:4. Additional, he had a 7:6, a 2:0, two 2:1, and nine 1:0.

And last, but not least...

• Total trillions: 0! Mario West has not once this season recorded a true trillion! (All 11 "trillions" were under a minute long, as Marios)! I am crying bawful tears of joy and honor right now.

But it doesn't stop there. Do you realize how short the list is since 1946 of players averaging under 6 MPG but playing over 50 games a season? Even shorter is the list of players averaging under 1.0 PPG but playing over 50 games? Both of his seasons have made these lists!

Maybe it's too early to call, but we are witnessing historic lacktion in the making. Someday, the BasketBawful Hall of Fame may be renamed the Mario West Hall of Lacktion. Who knows? But we will be there to tell the tale, the legend, of Mario West, lacktion visionary.

Mario must spread his own legendfrom -- surprise! -- the bench.
About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, prepare for the 2009 draft. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover a completely un-theorized particle of quantum physics, become the undisputed StarCraft champion of the universe in all 11-dimensions, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: guest author, lacktion, Mario West

...but still sorta funny. In a grim, morbid, unintentionally hilarious kind of way.



Thanks to all you sickos -- and there were many of you -- who submitted this.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Danny Ainge, Kevin Garnett, unintentional hilarity

Editor's note: Wild Yams and I have combined our awesome powers -- Marvel Team-Up style! -- to complete tonight's WotN post. (Just so you know, though, in this analogy, I'm the Amazing Spider-Man and Yams is the bald chick.)

The Sacramento Kings: They finished the worst season in franchise history on a high note...I guess...by snapping a nine-game losing streak with a win over a hapless Minnesota squad that rolled out a starting lineup of Brian Cardinal, Mark Madsen, Jason Collins, Mike Miller and Kevin Ollie. Woo hoo? The 17 victories made the people of Sacramento nostalgic for the relatively amazing success of last season's 38-win campaign. Said Beno Udrih: "We definitely have much more potential than we showed this season. Something just wasn’t clicking. I guess we have to figure it out a little bit and try to fix it in the summer and in training camp when we come back." You guess?!

The Minnesota Timberwolves: In what may be his swan song as a member of the Timberwolves organization, Kevin McHale got to stick it to the fans one last time. It was bad enough that they had to finish the season by watching two squads that combined to win just 41 games -- a total surpassed by 14 other teams this season! -- but they had to watch their guys lose to the worst team in the league because, as I said, McFail started Brian Cardinal, Mark Madsen, Jason Collins, Mike Miller and Kevin Ollie to "reward them for their consistent hard work and good attitudes." That's great, Kevin, but when your finish with 13 win on the road and 11 at home -- the only team in the league with a better "away" record -- then you have officially given a giant, flaming middle finger to your fans. All, what, 15 of them?

Brian Cardinal: A rare start and an even more rare 20 minutes of PT, and he finished scoreless on 0-for-4 shooting. Way to make those minutes count, Brian! Gene Keady is so disappointed.

The Washington Wizards Generals: What a fitting end to a dismal season, as the Wizards Generals lost their final game of the season to the "Boston Celtics," who were playing without Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Washington got a season-high 39 points out of Caron Butler, but they forgot to get a hand in the face of Eddie House -- who hit 5 three-pointers in the fourth quarter -- and got outscored 36-24 in the last 12 minutes to lose by 8. Note that they barely finished with more assists (15) than turnovers (14), and Stephon Marbury had almost as many dimes (8) as the Wizard's General's entire starting lineup (13). Washington's 19 victories was the worst mark in the Eastern Conference as well as the franchise's lowest win total for an 82-game season.

The Boston Celtics: Bad, bad, bad news. Kevin Garnett: Probably done for the season. So now their only chance to repeat is if LeBron James and Kobe Bryant both suffer season-ending injuries in the next week or so.

The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit: After building a 17-point fourth-quarter lead, it looked like the Bucks would salvage a least a smidge of pride after a disappointing year that was punctuated by a late-season collapse that saw them go from playoff contender to lottery team. Instead, they watched in what I can only guess was a sense of horror and despair as the Pacers out scored them 43-20 in the final 12 minutes, during which they also hit seven three-pointers. Travis Diener and Josh McRoberts were key components of Indy's comeback. Yeah, you read that correctly. Said Richard Jefferson: "I'm not a believer in luck or good fortune. I believe you either do things like you're supposed to or you don't do them. We played very good defense in the third quarter, combined with them missing some shots, and then we came out in the fourth quarter and didn't do those things. We just didn't do anything to make things go right for us."

The New Jersey Nets: The Nets sat both Devin Harris and Vince Carter with fake injuries in a 29-point loss to the Knicks in New York that dropped them to 23-40 since Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." For the record, they finished 13th in the East. Playoff prediction fail! Statistical extra: New Jersey shot 31 percent and finished with more turnovers (17) than assists (12).

Vince Carter: You may or may not remember that, just a few short days ago, Vince said: "We are playing to win. I don't want to disrespect the game. I want to give an effort and come to play." Well, last night, Mr. "I don't want to disrespect the game" sat out with was was described as a sprained right big toe. For the record, he was the 18th highest paid player in the league this season, ahead of guys like LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Yao Ming, Pau Gasol...

The New York Knicks: It's official. Despite a late run, the 2008-09 Knicks finished with only 204 blocked shots, which is eighth-worst all-time and first-worst for a full 82-game season, just surpassing last year's Knicks, who finished with 213. They are The Worst Shot Blocking Team in NBA History. Huzzah!

The Chicago Bulls / Me: As Czernobog astutely pointed out, this is what I said yesterday after the 76ers lost to the Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen-less Celtics: "The loss will almost certainly cost the Sixers the sixth spot in the Eastern Conference Playoffs (unless the Bulls lose at home to the Craptors AND they manage to beat the Crabs in Cleveland), which will force them to face the actual Boston Celtics in the first round. So, you know, uh oh." You'd think that the guy who invented the term "stat curse" and spent the season mocking Devin Harris for dooming his team with that whole "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" comment would know better. Alas, I did not. Speaking of not knowing better, you'd think that a team that had to fight tooth and nail for two months to claw their way back to .500 would realize that they're not a good enough squad to just flip the switch, no matter how well they've been playing in general and at home in particular. But the Bullies decided to rest their starters against the Craptors...only the starters were PLAYING, and the game had serious playoff implications. Chicago fell behind by 14 points by the end of the first quarter and by 20 early in the second, and they never recovered. They got murdalized on the boards (57-40) and carved up by Shawn Marion (34 points on 15-for-18 shooting). And now they get to play the defending champs in the first round. Greeeeeeeat...

(And for the record, no, I did not pull that stat curse on purpose. I would much rather the Bulls play the Magicians at this point. My preference for Boston was at least in part due to the fact that I didn't want to watch the Crabs destroy the Bulls while everyone took turns fellating King Crab.)

John Salmons: Not only did he shoot 1-for-7, he was the guy who was supposed to be defending Shawn "This is my last chance to audition for a huge free agent contract" Marion. That's an offensive AND defensive fail. It's like somebody switched him with Larry Hughes or something.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Crabs sat LeBron James, Mo Williams, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Joe Smith, and Delonte West and Anderson Varejao didn't play in the second half. And the best Philly could do was pull of a one-point overtime victory. The Sixers let Cleveland's scrubs shoot almost 52 percent and gave up a career-high 28 points to Boobie Gibson, not to mention a season-high 20 points (9-for-18) to Sasha "The 16-minute Man" Pavlovic. Not impressed here. Said Andre Iguodala: "Getting a win was important, but we didn't play good basketball. If the team plays the way we've been playing, we're going to get swept. We have to look at ourselves, step it up and cut out a lot of the BS. We've been a little selfish out there, not as far as guys trying score, but we've got to collectively be one unit." Speaking of selfish...

Samuel Dalembert: "Big Sam" doubled his assist total for the past 29 games by dishing out 1 lonely dime last night. He finished the season with 18 assists (versus 434 shot attempts and 117 turnovers) in the 2,036 minutes he played over 82 games. That puts his assist per minute rate at 0.008, which is positively Yinka Dare-esque. Congrats, Sam-Me!

Pistons-Heat: With everybody important either sitting out or seeing limited minutes, fans were "treated" to a career-high 26 points from Chris Quinn and what I'm just going to assume without doing any research was a career night from Kwame Brown (17 points, 13 boards, 3 steals). Quinn versus Kwame! Oh, that NBA action really is FAN-tastic! Wait, I'm sorry, I meant SNOOZE-tastic. My bad.

The Houston Rockets: They entered the night with a shot to win their first division title in 15 years and they also had a shot at securing the 2nd seed in the West, and for a while it looked like they might actually pull it off with a win in Dallas. Dallas started the night red hot, jumping out to a 10 point first quarter lead before Houston came back and wrestled the lead away from the Mavs behind their strong defense. Houston controlled the game for most of the 2nd quarter and for the start of the third, but after pushing the lead to 14 points early in the second half, Houston choked the game away by allowing the Mavs to finish the game on a 48-23 run. Houston played a relatively error-free game, only turning it over 9 times, and they weren't victims of home cookin' as the Mavs only shot one more free throw than they did. No, Houston did themselves in with some poor overall shooting, especially from distance. And usually when that happens, you know who's behind it...

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron's stat line wasn't all that awful, with 10 points on 4-13 shooting (0-5 from three), but it was really the timing of his misses that doomed the Rockets more than anything. In the first five minutes of the game Artest missed two long 3-pt shots and another 18 foot jumper, to start 0-3 as the Mavs were racing out to their early lead. Artest was then relatively quiet until Houston built that 14 point lead, at which point Artest missed another pair of long range threes, and a layup to boot. But in true Basketbawful fashion Artest saved his worst for last. With the Rockets trailing by 5 with 3:45 to go in the game Artest decided to take matters into his own hands and fire up an ill-advised three which missed badly. Dallas got the board and went down and scored to stretch the lead to 7. Then a minute later with the Rockets trailing by 7 Artest decided to go for an even more ill-advised three which he bricked even worse, and that led to a long rebound and fast break for Dallas to put the Mavs up 9 with only 2:30 to go in the game, and that was pretty much it.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Here's all you need to know about Michael Jordan's franchise: they lost their last game of the season to finish 12 games under .500... and they still managed to set a franchise record for most wins in a season with 35. Baby steps, I guess. It wasn't too long ago that the Bobcats were starting to get mentioned as a team that might bump the Pistons or Bulls from that last playoff spot in the East, but it seems like it was ages ago at this point, after having the Magic slam the door on their season with a 25 point drubbing in Orlando. Despite getting some help at the line (34 FTAs to only 22 for the Magic), the Bobcats did themselves in by only shooting 35% from the field and only 16% from 3. Still, the Bobcats might have had a shot to make this one more respectable if not for...

Gerald Wallace: Generally a team needs more than 3 points on 3 shots from their best scorer, but I guess Crash wasn't up to it tonight. To be fair, growing up I tended to typically mail in the last day of school before summer break too. On the bright side, at least he didn't suffer some kind of freak injury.

The New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets have been battling the Jazz for which Western team looks worse heading into the playoffs, and after the previous night's debacle by the Jazz in LA it looked like Utah had that dubious honor wrapped up, but last night's failure by the Hornets calls that into question. This was a back and forth affair all night until about the last five minutes of the 4th quarter when New Orleans looked like they were ready to pull away, going up by as many as six, and even leading by as many as five with less than 45 seconds to play. But Peja Stojakovic looked like he thought it was Game 7 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals as he bricked a three pointer with 20 seconds left following a Michael Finley basket, and that was followed by Rasual Butler missing one of two free throws after getting fouled while collecting the miss. David West then fouled Tony Parker who made two free throws, and the scene was set for the Hornets' failure. Up two points with the ball and only 7 seconds to go James Posey got fouled, but he too missed one of two free throws, and that opened the door for Michael Finley to send the game to overtime with a buzzer-beating 3-pt shot. After that the Hornets collapsed in the overtime period and San Antonio won the game and their first division title since 2006.

Peja Stojakovic: Missing what would have been the dagger three with 20 seconds left in regulation doesn't begin to tell the story of how poor Peja's night was, as the former 3-time All Star turned in the basketball equivalent of a flaming bag of dog poop last night. Only 4 points in 42 minutes with no made three pointers, no free throws and no assists. You can't help but think if Peja had shown up at all that the Hornets could have pulled this one out.

The Atlanta Hawks: For the second night in a row, not only was it scalper's night off at a Hawks game, but it was the Hawks rotation players' night off as well. In addition to giving Mario West another game with 30 or more minutes of playing time, Atlanta also dusted off barely used players such as Thomas Gardner (25 minutes), Solomon Jones (29 minutes) and Othello Hunter (27 minutes). Speedy Claxton even got another shot with 8 minutes. It should be noted that with the 39 minutes he got two nights ago and the 30 he got last night, Mario West has now played more than a quarter of his total season's worth of minutes in the last two games. Too bad he couldn't take more advantage of the sudden jump in playing time though as he followed up Tuesday's 3 point showing with another 3 points last night.

OJ Mayo: The man is showing he has a flair for ending his seasons on odd notes. You may recall that he ended his high school career by dunking and then throwing the ball into the stands so he could get ejected; and it appears he was looking for a similarly sour note on which to end his rookie year in the NBA, going out with not just a technical foul, but with a flagrant foul to boot.

Nellieball & SSOL: It wasn't too long ago that a matchup of the Warriors and the Suns was one of the most exciting games the NBA could possibly imagine, what with the two most offense-only oriented teams going head to head in a crazy shootout. But even though the two teams combined to put up 230 points last night, the matchup kinda loses its luster when both teams have already been eliminated from the playoffs and there's nothing really to play for. Well, almost nothing. It should be pointed out that by playing last night, for the first time in his career Grant Hill played in all 82 games this season, and he was the only Suns player to manage to do that this year.

The Denver Nuggets: With Houston losing to Dallas before this game even started, Denver had nothing to play for, having already locked up the #2 seed in the West. And boy did they play like it, even if it wasn't on purpose. Despite the fact that Denver gave all their regular rotation guys their normal minutes in the hopes of setting the Nuggets' franchise record for wins since they've been in the NBA with 55, the Nuggets got absolutely hammered by a Portland team which continues to be incredibly tough to beat at home. Denver shot only 33% for the game (31% from 3-pt range), and had 20 fewer assists than the Blazers did en route to a 28 point blowout in the Rose Garden. It was one of those games where you wish you had more fingers to point at people because there were so many people to blame. Chauncey Billups "led" the Nuggets in scoring with only 13 points, and I don't know for sure but I'm guessing that's got to be close to some kind of record for fewest points scored by a team's top scorer on the night. Meanwhile on the other end of the floor the Nuggets allowed Portland to shoot almost 53% from the floor (and 59% from 3-pt land), and not one Portland starter was in double figures due to the lack of playing time, given that it was such a rout.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Much like The Other LA Team, I saved the worst for last. What a season it's been for the Clippers. They managed to fail in just about every way possible, and last night's 41 point home loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder was the perfect ending for such a turd of a season. It was the cherry on top. Or as coach Mike Dunleavy, Sr. said "It was the icing on the cake as far as the season is concerned." Combined with the 38 point loss the Clippers suffered at the hands of the Lakers on opening night back on October 29th, last night's embarrassment made the perfect bookends to one of the most disappointing seasons for the league's most awful franchise (the 63 Clipper losses this year represents only the 8th worst season in their history). We've been saying it all year around here, and it deserves to be said one more time: the 2008-2009 Clippers: They are who we thought they were.

Bonus bawful! From Basketbawful reader Jordan:

I'm just going to break it down like this:

Clippers v. Thunder Fail: Check.

"Fan Appreciation" Night Fail: Check.

Getting beat by 41 points by the Thunder FAILURE: Check.

On Fan Appreciation night: Double check.

I really don't wanna keep going. It just got worse from there. Oh what the hell, just for the fun of it...

Coach Clip-a-suck-a-loffagus not even bearing to stand on the same floor as his "team" got owned by one of the NBA's premier JV basketball squads: Check.

And an extra dose of failure as he was ejected from the game: Check

Also, add me to WotN. I bought tickets for $40 to sit in a suite to "watch" the game with my girlfriend. The highlight of the night was finding an unclaimed 12 pack of corona extras in one of the cabinets in the suite. I snatched em up and walked right out of the arena. Jordan 1, Clippers Ecstacy of Suck -41

Lacktion report: And now, Chris turns in his last lacktion report of the regular season...

The last day of the regular season -- the very last chance for key lacktators to pad their negative stats in order to receive consideration for the Association's All-Lacktator Team at the conclusion of the schedule! And while most squads have little to play for (with postseason matchups mostly set in stone), the prestigious goal of getting star lacktators their meaningless minutes served to motivate plenty of organizations this Wednesday.

Spurs-Hornets: Melvin Ely's one assist in 10:45 off the bench could not overcome a two-foul and two-brick 2:0 Voskuhl! Teammate Devin Brown got himself a +2 suck differential in 5:07 via foul and giveaway.

And Bruce Bowen's lacktive renaissance continues with a +3 in 10:23 via two fouls and a brick from the San Antonio River Walk. Coach Popovich knows that in order to confirm victories for his aging squad this postseason, he must make sure that his professional tobacco expert has relearned his non-moves for critical late-game situations, hopefully serving as an effective mentor for the younger and significantly more overpaid Fabricio Oberto.

Kings-Wolves: Okay, huh? The Kings decided to not lose 66 games this year, but a mere 65? Golf clap! But this momentous and rare occasion of a win (which only occurred 20.3% of the time -- an 80% chance of it not happening during most of the year) required Kenny Natt to bring out a human victory cigar. Cedric Simmons was up to the task of celebrating this meaningless win with a +1 (via giveaway) in 1:30.

And in a starting stint, Mark Madsen bricked twice in 9:41 for a +2!

Rockets-Mavs: James Singleton spent 28 seconds in Castlevania for a pedestrian Mario.

Raptors-Bulls: Pops Mensah-Bonsu seems to have become the third cog in the Little Three of Lacktivity as Nathan Jawai has disappeared from the scoresheets. Tonight, Mensah-Bonsu parented a celebratory +6 in 5:04 via foul, rejection, and four bricks!

Hawks-Grizzlies: Randolph Morris used one of his nine lives to scratch out a slight Voskuhl in 7:44 -- three fouls and a giveaway against one made field goal and a board for a 4:3 ratio.

Sixers-Cavs: After Royal Ivey appeared to have abdicated his lacktive role in Philadelphia mid-season, he returned to prominence recently with a string of lovably irrelevant performances. Serving as the human victory cigar tonight in a shocking conquest of the crustaceans at the aquarium known as the Q, he bricked once from Euclid Avenue in 14:11 for a +1.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba made an appearance on the long-running children's show, Sesame Street, where he dressed his penis up in a little puppet costume of himself. No, I am not making this up.


A world of thanks to Basketbawful reader David for sending in the picture of Kobe and his "Miniature Kobe" (which I swear is what the little pink girl puppet called it).

Labels: End of the Regular Season, Marvel Team-Up, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Basketbawful reader Anf for today's pic.

Scalpers night off in Atlanta: From Basketbawful reader Vinny Gorgeous: "Hopefully you didn't actually watch Heat-Hawks, but the AP recap was golden. Among the highlights: Mario West, for the first time ever, saw his name leading off a game recap...unfortunately, it was immediately followed by 'blew a dunk' A little more snark: 'Speedy Claxton, a $25 million free-agent bust, actually played for the first time in more than two years. ... Claxton played 7 minutes, missing his only two shots, doling out one assist, and put up an airball on a free throw attempt, drawing groans from fans who still wonder why the Hawks gave him so much money. But he swished the second for his first point of the season, which averages out to $5.7 million per point.' Congratulations, Mr. AP NBA Recap guy; this Bud's for you." Speaking of which...


Speedy Claxton, quote machine: More from the AP recap: "Claxton was the main attraction on this night. He signed a four-year deal in 2006 to be the Hawks' starting point guard, but injuries and poor play made him persona non grata in Atlanta. He had not played since March 3, 2007, when he turned in 15 scoreless minutes against the New York Knicks. 'I was so nervous,' Claxton said. 'After I airballed the first one, I knew I had to make that second one.'"

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers haven't won a game since April 4th, when they qualified for the NBA playoffs. Since then, they've suffered six straight defeats, including losses to the Nets (34-37), Bobcats (35-46) and Raptors (32-49). And last night, they lost to the " Boston Celtics," who were playing sans Kevin Garnett (mysterious never-ending knee injury) and Ray Allen (suspended for delivering that sac shot to Anderson Varejao). Despite logging only 30 minutes and sitting out most of the fourth quarter, Paul Pierce still lit up Philly's defense for 31 points (12-for-16). Truth also drilled seven of his nine three-point attempts. The Celtics leaned heavily on their reserves -- Glen Davis (34 minutes), Eddie House (24 minutes), Stephon Marbury (22 minutes) -- but still shot 52 percent and won the rebounding battle (41-38). Mind you, Boston had nothing to play for...while Philadelphia had plenty on the line.

The loss will almost certainly cost the Sixers the sixth spot in the Eastern Conference Playoffs (unless the Bulls lose at home to the Craptors AND they manage to beat the Crabs in Cleveland), which will force them to face the actual Boston Celtics in the first round. So, you know, uh oh.

Andre Iguodala: An anonymous commenter noted: "Iggy (ego-dala) committed a horribly shameless and blatantly fake flop after missing an ugly looking runner that would've given the Sixers the lead at the end of the game." He sure did. He found the nearest Celtic and just fell over him. Are coaches now teaching "shoot and fall down"?

Samuel Dalembert: Yet another game without an assist for Sammy Selfish. He now has 1 assist in his last 28 games (versus 166 field goal attempts and 40 turnovers).

Joey Crawford: Mr. "DO NOT LAUGH AT ME" Crawford was up to his old tricks last night. Apparently, he has it in for the Celtics. Maybe he hates the color green, or maybe the village he grew up in was destroyed by a hoard of rampaging leprechauns. Who knows? But last night he levied not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five technical fouls against Boston. Joey T'd up Mikki Moore and Doc Rivers in the second quarter, Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins in the third, and then assistant coach Armond Hill in the fourth. The five techs were, indeed, a season-high for the Celtics. Rumor has it he almost called additional technicals on a Gatorade bottle and a wadded up towel at the end of the Boston bench. Dude was so quick with the whistle I started thinking that the government should give him a whistle-activated laser weapon and then force him to fight pirates.

The Utah Jazz: Yet another case of a former NBA Finalist with nothing to play for versus a lower seed with mucho to play for...and guess what happened? Kobe Bryant played only 26 minutes but L.A. still shot nearly 56 percent (and over 61 percent from downtown) to beat the Jazz 125-112. The Lakers are now 16-3 all-time against Utah at Staples Center, where they've beaten the Jazz six times in a row. Did I mention these teams are facing each other in the first round now? Yikes. Said Jerry Sloan: "We didn't give them much of a battle and knowing that we're going to have to play them again, it looks pretty bleak. Hate to say that, but it's one of those things."

Brad Miller, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Miller said: "All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays...Kirk always has been known to get up into somebody's backside." He's actually talking about the physical nature of playoff basketball. As far as you know.

Update! Vinny Del Negro, unintentionally dirty quote machine: AK Dave noticed this Vinny quote from the same article Brad's was in: "It's going to be physical. You have to get used to that. ... You have to go in there and get into bodies." As AK said: "These guys make it sound like playoff basketball is a 10-man angry orgy or something. They should really tone it down, you know. Kids read this stuff!"

Joe Tobjy, sore/evil loser: Here's the description for this YouTube video: "Joe Tobjy was picked to be in the halftime contest of basketball musical chairs. Realizing he was going to lose, he throws his basketball at the kid whos going to win, takes him out and turns what could have been one of the most memorable event in this kid's college life to one of the worst...he also makes him bleed from the fall."


More advanced statistical fail: Chris in Cleveland writes: "I thought you'd enjoy this. Not sure what Don Nelson did to make this happen but evidently it worked." He then provided a recent screen capture of John Hollinger's playoff odds:


So, the Lakers and Jazz are out while the Suns and Warriors are in? I love math!

Lacktion report: Chris reports shocking anti-lacktion development...

Heat-Hawks: Not lacktion, but something else: Mario West scoring a WARIO! From the original "Mario" article -- that term was given for Mr. West actually scoring significant playing time, and he had the most playing time of anyone on court, with a 39:14 stint. Wow. (And that three quarters' worth of non-lacktivity still managed to net him only three points!)

Celtics-Sixers: Despite an assist in 10:09, Theo Ratliff fouled and bricked once each for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

NASA: As you may or may not know, NASA held an online contest to name a room at the international space station. Thanks to countless writein votes, the name "Colbert" -- as in Stephen Colbert -- beat out NASA's four suggested options (Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise and Venture). But instead of honoring the contest they initiated, NASA wimped out and bypassed "Colbert" for the eighth most popular response submitted by respondents: Tranquility (which is an allusion to the Sea of Tranquility, where Apollo 11 landed on the moon). Lame. NASA did throw Colbert Nation a bone, though, naming a treadmill after their hero. The new COLBERT treadmill stands for "Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill." The resolution is kind of cool, but still pretty balless.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Steve Nash that he had named his master bathroom "NASH"...for "Nicely Accoutered Shit House."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Atlanta Hawks, Brad Miller, Joey Crawford, Miami Heat, Philadelphia 76ers, Real Men of Genius, Samuel Dalembert, sore losers, Worst of the Night

Important note!! Go over to to Pete Marasmitch and vote for Basketbawful in Round 1 of the Basketblog Header Playoffs.

Slightly less important note!! Many thanks to Statbuster for helping me crank out today's Worst of the Night.

Okay, last note! Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Pacers Fans: For starters, they learned that Mike Dunleavy's knee surgery nearly ended his career, and he is already expected to miss most of the 2010 season. Coach Jim O'Brien stated his intentions to give Brandon Rush the starting SG spot next season. A quick look shows Rush logged 1,731 minutes this season and came up with 64 assists, 34 steals, and a PER of 8.4. So I see absolutely no reason to be concerned with that announcement.

Then on Monday, the Pacers turned a 17-point first half clubbering into a semi-respectable 8-point curb-stomp at the hands of the Craboliers, losing 109-117. During that game, the Pacers' NBA regular season double-double record was broken by former Golden State castoff Troy Murphy, beating out guys like Jermaine O'Neal, Clark Kellogg, Dale Davis, Rik Smits, Antonio Davis, Herb Williams, Detlef Schrempf, and Wayman Tisdale. Wait...what?

Any Detroit Piston not named Rip Hamilton: In a "must not lose" game, the Pistons fumbled away a 8 point halftime lead at home against the Bulls, losing 91-88. The non-Rip Hamilton Pistons shot 36%, including an anemic 4 FGs, 4 turnovers and 6 fouls from the benches. Is Coach Michael Curry gonna hafta choke a bench? This loss guaranteed the Pistons a first-round matchup against a little-known Cleveland team that has picked up a few wins as of late.

Juan Dixon: The Wizards Generals gave away a scalper's-night-off special against the Raptors, losing 97-96. This was mostly thanks to this, which set up a game winning three from Chris Bosh. My guess is that Dixon recently watched "The Sixth Man" and saw a wide-open yet very ghost-like Kadeem Hardison in the frontcourt. And, yes, they did make a "basketball player dies of a heart attack" comedy only a few years after Reggie Lewis died. Which was only slightly worse than...

Brendan Haywood: Brendan Haywood made Patrick O'Bryant and Pops Mensa-Bonsu look like Hakeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson. O'Popsu combined for 17 points, 13 boards, 5 steals, and 2 blocks. Haywood finished with 5 points, 4 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 3 fouls, 4 blocks allowed, and the lowest plus-minus of the game (-19). Immediately after the game, a crowd of single, 40 year old overweight women lined up outside the Wizards' locker room, because they heard that Brendan Haywood can make any ass look good.

Wins That Make You Look Pathetic, Part I: Remember that time when you had to try really hard to not lose to your 12-year old niece in air hockey? The Bobcats-Nets game was exactly like that. With the Bobcats out of the playoffs, Larry Brown rewarded his bench by spreading out the playing time. Most of the Charlotte bench, including duds like DeSagana Diop and Dontell Jefferson, logged 20 minutes or more. Which makes the Nets 91-87 win, which their starters logged 30+ minutes each, kinda sad. The Nets did not want to lose to these guys, and were quick to downplay the Charlotte bench-clearization. Jarvis Hayes said, "I don't know what he was trying to do. We wanted to win." Vince Carter said, "Coach asked me three or four times if I wanted to come out. I wasn't coming out. If I had taken my shoe off I would not have been able to return...We just wanted to win the game."

Life in Milwaukee: It's no secret that Milwaukee -- a.k.a., the town that gave us bowties and patriotic fireman hats made of cheese -- kind of sucks. Unless, of course, you like snowstorms in the middle of April. But at least the people there get an occasional break from the drudgery of their daily lives when superstars like Dwight Howard come to town as part of the NBA's traveling road show. Only Superman didn't jump center for the Magic last night. Instead, Marcin "The Polish Hammer" Gortat did. And by the way: His game is NOT the Hammer...


The Orlando Magic: Did I mention that Marcin Gortat was their starting center last night? Courtney Lee, Mickael Pietrus, Tony Battie and Rafer Alston filled out Orlando's starting lineup, so it should come as no surprise that they shot 31 percent, missed 16 of their 18 three-point attempts and lost by 18 in what was their third straight loss to a non-playoff team.

The NBA Fashion Police: Howard may not have been in uniform, but he was on the Magic bench, joking with teammates and joshing with the fans. Until halftime, that is, when Dwight was informed that he was in violation of the league's dress code...despite being decked out in "a sweater and dress shirt, dress pants and shoes, and a sparkling diamond-studded watch." But, of course, the NBA requires non-playing players to wear a dress coat while on the bench. I'm sure the letter of their law was much more important than having one of their most popular players interacting with the crowd, though.

Wins That Make You Look Pathetic, Part II: The Mavs are desperately trying to move up, up and away from any possibility of a first-round matchup with the Lakers, so you would have expected them to put an early smack down on the Timberwolves. Instead, Minny almost put the smack down on them...in Dallas. Craig Smith came off the T-Wolves' bench to score a season-high 24 points and Sebastian Telfair tied his season high with 12 assists, and Dallas Trailing had to crawl out of a 7-point hole with 3:13 left and needed an 18-footer from Jason Terry with 0.2 seconds left to win the game.

Losses That Makes You Look Pathetic: With the playoff seed secure, Hornets coach Byron Scott gave his starters the night off...wait, what? He didn't? Nope. They just played like it. Chris Paul went 3-for-8, Rasual Butler was 1-for-9, Melvin Ely hit 2-for-7, Peja Stojakovic finished 1-for-7 and David West, the best of the bunch, ended up 6-for-15. As a team, the Hornets shot 34 percent, scored a season-low 66 points and got crushed like their namesakes, blowing a chance to clinch the West's sixth seed in the process. Said Byron Scott: "It is very disappointing. I think most of our guys in that locker room think that it's like a light switch, that you can just turn on when the playoffs start. It's not going to happen, it's just not." Scott then dramatically flipped the locker room light switch on and off several times and added: "THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, NOW DID IT?!" To which one reporter replied: "Well, it is kinda dark in here now..."

The Guys That Are Who We Thought They Were: As bad as the Jazz have been playing lately, they're still good enough to blow out the Clippers, who got abused on the boards (50-36) and went a Shaq-like 10-for-18 from the foul line. Oh, and Baron Davis was 1-for-13. Speaking of which...

The Man Everyone Hates: B-Diddy got into a shoving match with Matt Harpring in the third quarter and, well, things didn't go so well for him after that.


The Worst Team In The League: When last we saw them, they were losing on a last-second three that shouldn't have counted. Last night they lost in much more pathetic fashion, when J.R. Smith abused them with a career-high 45 points and Nuggets franchise-best 11 three-pointers. The only drama left is finding out whether the Kings will surpass the worst season in franchise history by three games or only two. Stay tuned.

The Phoenix "Sad Face" Suns: From the AP recap: "In winning their 45th game of the season, the Suns became only the third team in NBA history to reach that total and not earn a playoff berth." It hurts.

Allen Iverson city-wide cancer: Basketbawful reader Stephanie G sent in this link:

Allen Iverson has gone from being a one-man economic stimulus plan for the city's downtown casinos to persona non grata. He has spent a ton of money down there, but recently he's been banned from both MGM and Greektown casinos.

The NBA is looking into a disturbance at Greektown that involved one of Iverson's body guards. Iverson may have been trying to act as a peacemaker but his body guard was involved in some kind of tussle.

Iverson, though, has been banned mostly for his boorish behavior. He is a bad loser, and he loses a lot, often throwing his chips or cards at the dealer. He has been warned about improper behavior at the tables repeatedly. He is often loud and disruptive, according to witnesses, rude to dealers, other players and the wait staff.

Earlier this season, Iverson caused a disturbance at a casino outside of Minneapolis. He's also earned a bad reputation at Atlantic City.

You know Iverson's behavior has to be really bad for a casino to ban him. As much money has he spends and losses, and with the casinos all fighting bankruptcy, wow, he had to be a nightmare.

Florida International University: Considering letting Isiah Thomas take over their basketball program...which is kind of like letting Aretha Franklin watch your ham sandwich.

Lacktion report: More lacktion from Chris "The Sacramento Sledgehammer."

Cavs-Pacers: All-Lacktion selection Tarence Kinsey maintained his beautifully unproductive form through pinching out an appropriate tribute to Shigeru Miyamoto tonight -- a well-executed 32-second Mario.

Raptors-Wizards: Jake Voskuhl's self-named stat once again effectively describes the leader of the Little Three of Lacktivity, as despite two made free throws in 3:53, he fouled once and gave up the rock twice for a Madsen-level 3:2 ratio. (And teammate Roko Ukic failed to rock out by canceling out a four-brick performance with a needless assist.)

Bulls-Pistons: Walter Hermmann was in the money tonight, getting ready to buy a mansion in Grosse Pointe Shores soon with a 7.05 trillion! (Even more amazing, he was able to rake in the dough on a night where the final deficit the Pistons buried themselves with was a mere three points!)

Wolves-Mavs: Yahoo and CBSSports.com do not confirm this, but both NBA.com and ESPN.com claim (with backing from Foxsports.com) that Ryan Hollins has just earned the rarely-seen-in-the-Association Super Mario Galaxy, with a zero-second stint!!!!!

Clippers-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko returns after a bit of an absence to post up a foul for a +1 suck differential (and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl) in 3:11. Meanwhile, one block from Brian Skinner was not enough in 4:00 to overcome two bricks, one giveaway, and a foul, giving himself a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Kings-Nuggets: Cedric Simmons makes it two nights of lacktion in a row with a +2 suck differential in 2:36 via brick and foul, also good for a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.

Grizzlies-Suns: Darko Milicic freely fouled three times in 7:00 and bricked once for a 3:0 Voskuhl (despite three assists). Fellow baby cub Hamed Haddadi also scored a Voskuhl of his own in 7:38, fouling three times and bricking twice for a 3:2 ratio against two rebounds (and an assist and two blocks).

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Shaq, saying, "Dude, we're gonna need you in L.A. in November." Shaq texted back: "Srsly?" Kobe replied: "Totally. The 5th Annual Los Angeles Internatonal Tamale Eating Contest is on Nov. 15." Shaq did not respond.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Baron Davis, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

The Philadelphia 76ers: Count 'em up: That's four straight losses since Philly clinched a playoff berth. And they gave up a season-high 18 points (including 4-for-4 three-point shooting) to Wally Szczerbiak. And I gotta tell you, it's hard to have much confidence in a team that can't stop Wally World in a really-need-to-win game. And suddenly their hopes of moving up to fifth have turned into fears of falling to as far as eighth.

Samuel Dalembert: Sammy's selfish streak continued with zero assists in 30 minutes of action. Dalembert now has exactly 1 assist in his last 26 games (versus 152 shot attempts and 37 turnovers). Dude has didn't have an assist in the entire month of March (15 games). Crazy.

Ironic fun fact: Check out this quote I found on the official Web site for The Samuel Dalembert Foundation: "God has been so kind to me, I prayed, and He answered. There are countless ways for me to give back in life, especially with the blessings of basketball, and I intend to do that in any way that I can." How about you start with passing the ball, Sam?

The Indiana Pacers: They were officially eliminated from the playoffs after letting the Hawks score 122 points on 52 percent shooting. Think defense might have been the problem? For the season, Indy is 2-19 when opponents shoot 50 percent or better. Yeah.

Mario West: The original Sub-minute Man got his first start of the season because Maurice Evans was out of town due to the death of his grandmother. Sadly, Mario was more of a Luigi, or maybe Toad. In 14 minutes of daylight, he finished with more fouls and turnovers (8) than points, rebounds and assists (5). He also tied Zaza Pachulia for the worst plus-minus score on the team (-8)...and Zaza missed half the game with a back injury. Sad face.

But wait, there's more! From Basketbawful reader J.T. Magee: "You're gonna want to see the Tj Ford-to-Stephen Graham alley-oop from the 1st quarter. It was nasty, only because Super Mario West decided to try and block the dunk attempt. Attempt failed. Miserable."


The Charlotte Bobcats: With all of their playoff hopes riding on a road victory over the 21-win Thunder, the Bobcats came up four points short after shooting 33 percent and getting creamed on the boards (50-39). Oh, and the Thunder -- who snapped a six-game losing streak at the Ford Center -- stuffed 10 shots (including 4 in the final quarter)...which was one swat off their season-high. Charlotte coach Larry Brown said his guys just didn't bring it: "In their mind, I'm sure they thought they were out there trying. But you can't go on the road and not play with unbelievable effort right from the start." Not if you want to win, no.

The Toronto Raptors and Shawn Marion: From Andy: "Shawn Marion and the Raptors deserve WotW honors for their super-awesome defense on the final possession against the Wizards: 16 seconds left, they give no pressure on Caron Butler, who casually walks the ball around until settling in to his favorite spot on the floor, nearly the exact same spot where he hit a game-winner over Indiana. He drives on Marion, does the most predictable crossover (he did the same move earlier in the game) and loses Marion easily, hits the wide open shot (Marion just watches, doesn't even bother running at him), game over. No help, even though it's obvious Caron has no intention of passing the ball." No joke. Watch the bawfulness unfold:


Now check out this ridiculous quote from Chris Bosh: "I think Shawn played good defense but [Butler] just made a tough shot." Uh, I think you'd better go back and watch the tape, Chris.

The Orlando Magic: Well, then. It turns out that barely beating the Grizzlies at home on Wednesday was indeed a harbinger of bawful to come. And come it did, only not in the "massage parlor happy ending" kind of way, but in the "embarrassing 10-point home loss to the New York Knicks" way. And it was more than embarrassing, it was potentially crippling, as it almost certainly cost the Magicians a shot at the East's second seed, since they now trail Boston by two games with three to play. Said Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy: "If we play the way we did these last two home games, there's not a team in the league we can win a series against. We're playing awful basketball. There's not going to be anything magical happening at the start of the playoffs. I've never been a big flip the switch guy. But that's what our guys are trying to do now." Real bad news if you're a Magic fan.

The Phoenix Suns: Now that they've been officially eliminated from the NBA playoffs, all the Suns have left to play for is pride. And if their effort against the Grizzlies in Memphis is any indication, pride isn't a source of, er, pride for them. Phoenix missed 10 free throws, got beaten on the boards (45-37), committed 22 turnovers -- three short of its season high -- and got blown out in the second half. It was the Grizzlies' first victory over the Suns since December 17, 2005. Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry, who has decided it's time to develop the team's bench, didn't play the starters in the fourth quarter. Said Jason Richardson: "These games really aren't meaning anything for us. Even though we want to win them, just let (the reserves) go out and get some minutes."

The New Jersey Nets: Even though they're already eliminated from the postseason, and even though Lawrence Frank is letting the young guys get some burn, I still have to update this: The Nets are now 21-39 since Devin Harris (1 points, 0-for-5, 2 assists in 20 minutes) uttered the words: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

The Utah Jazz: As dark as these last several days have been for the Spurs, they've been even darker for the Jazz, whose 105-99 loss in San Antonio -- their fifth defeat in the last six games -- dropped them into sole possession the West's dreaded eighth playoff position, a.k.a., the "Lakers' hors' dourves" spot.
Few teams have been more disappointing this season than the Jazz. Although one of those teams is definitely...

The New Orleans Hornets: Chris Paul did just about everything humanly possible -- 42 points (14-for-25), 9 rebounds, 7 assists and 2 steals -- but his team came up a wee bit short. David West (20 points on 8-for-20 shooting) was the only other Hornet to reach double-figures, and New Orleans was -16 in the Battle of the Boards. In fact, Dallas had 20 offensive rebounds and Brandon Bass snared a career-high 13. Oh, and outside of Paul's dimes, there wasn't much in the way of ball movement either, since the non-CP3 assist total was 2. Said Paul: "It's the second time in the last few games where I had 40-something points and we lost. It's not about how I do. It's about how we do." Unfortunately for him, he's right.

The Los Angeles Lakers: L.A.'s Rose Garden curse continued with their 106-98 defeat, a loss that will probably further fuel the flames within the souls of the Blazer faithful, who don't see why their boys can't claw past the Lakers to reach the Finals. And with the way L.A. plays in Portland, it's no wonder. Said Mamba: "Even when we're having championship runs, we usually come up here and get our butts kicked. They play us tough here." And make no mistake, Kobe was a big part of the loss. With L.A. trailing 101-98 with 48 seconds left, he took one of his patented "I'm winning this thing" three-pointers and missed. On the Lakers next possession, Mamba threw a bad pass that got pilfered by LaMarcus Aldridge. He also bonked a 24-footer with 11 seconds left, which was pretty much all she wrote.

The Sacramento Kings: From Basketbawful reader Ace: "I think that all of us, including you, need to apologize to the Sacramento Kings. All this time, we thought that they were a bunch a guys who didn't know how to win basketball games. Last night's game against the Clippers they proved us all wrong. They proved that they are not basketball players but inventors. Inventors who come up with new and improved ways to lose every single night. Just when you thought they invented their best loss, they come the next night and invent something even BETTER. How else can you explain the Kings making Brain Skinner look like Dwight Howard? How else can you explain them giving up 106 points on 56 percent shooting to the CLIPPERS? The freaking CLIPPERS! The next Nobel Peace prize is going to the Kings. Mark my words."

Indeed. Skinner scored a season-high 21 points on 8-for-11 shooting to go along with 10 boards and 3 blocks. I should also note that in addition to losing by 31 to the Clippers, the Kings shot 32 percent and bricked eight free throws in an all-around failtacular. It was Sacto's seventh straight defeat. Their record fell to an NBA-worst 16-63. And Kings coach Kenny Natt is going berserk. "This game was an absolute embarrassment and I just told the players that. I was embarrassed from the standpoint of our organization and everything we stand for. I was embarrassed at the way we went out and did not play tonight and it will not continue." Not with you as coach, anyway.

Friday lacktivity report: Chris serves a fresh flapjack of lacktion:

Pacers-Hawks: Thomas Gardner raked in a 1.3 trillion fortune for the playoff-bound Hawks, while Indiana's Jeff Foster botched his bench stint as big man in 20:22 - five fouls and a giveaway against one made field goal (in four attempts) and a trio of boards led to a 6:5 Voskuhl.

Heat-Celtics: Joel Anthony put on his Tanooki suit for a 28-second Mario.

Bobcats-Thunder: Cartier Martin explored the depths of lacktivity with a single visit to Oklahoma City's Bricktown for a +1 suck differential in 2:06. Martin's teammate with the Bobcats, Nazr Mohammed, earned a 2:0 Voskuhl (despite a steal) in 5:09 by taking two fouls and bricking twice from the charity stripe.

Wizards-Raptors: Patrick O'Bryant, the most important acquisition for the Craptors this year (at least on the lacktion front), delivered a +1 (foul) in 6:02, also qualifying for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Knicks-Magic: Chris Wilcox bricked three times in 12:54, allowing him to earn a slight Voskuhl of 3:2 (two fouls and one giveaway against two boards).

Suns-Grizzlies: Darius Miles missed from downtown once for a +1 in 2:21.

Jazz-Spurs: George Hill and Marcus Williams were out chasing Koopa shells with a 12 second stint as Mario Brothers! And Kurt Thomas did make one shot in 14:13, only to foul five times for a 5:2 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Mavs: Julian Wright flew onto the court tonight to collect a 3.35 trillion fortune, while Hilton Armstrong spent 8:55 seated in the lobby of lame with a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:1 (fouls against a board and brick).

Lakers-Blazers: Jordan Farmar is a surprising name for the lacktion report...but in 5:14, he bricked twice, gave up the rock once, and took a foul for a +4.

The Detroit Pistons: They shot 50 percent from the field and beyond the arc but still lost to the Pacers in Indianapolis, dropping two games below .500 (39-41) not to mention a full game behind the Bulls for the East's seventh seed and a date with first-round disaster. Not that the players care. Said Richard Hamilton: "It really don't matter to us, to tell you the truth." Added Tayshaun Prince: "I don't think being the eight-seed that we're in a situation we can't handle." Huh. There's confidence and then there's painfully distorted view of reality. I'll let you judge where this one falls.

The Orlando Magic: Ooooookay. Maybe Shaq knew what he was talking about with all that "front runner" nonsense from a month ago. Orlando's 103-93 loss to the Nets in New Jersey was their second straight and third in four games...and it officially eliminated them from contention for the second seed in the Eastern Conference. Oh, and Hedo Turkoglu had to be carried off the court after he sprained his left ankle in the fourth quarter. Sad trombone.

How bad was the not-so-Magic D? The Nets drilled 54 percent of their shots, including 55 percent from downtown, and accumulated 27 assists on 38 buckets. Said Stan Van Gundy: "It was terrible. We're playing with no energy and lack of defensive commitment. When you do that you're going to get killed and we got dominated tonight." And he means leather ball-gag, candle-wax-on-the-nipples, forced-to-drink-your-own-urine dominated. Unless you're into that, in which case he means something else.

Vince Carter, hypocrite machine: From Basketbawful reader Justin T: "On the Nets upset of the Magic: 'We are playing to win,' Carter said. 'I don't want to disrespect the game. I want to give an effort and come to play.' The irony. It burrrrrrrns." In related news, the entire population of Toronto threw up in their own mouths on Saturday night...

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Is the season over yet? It sure seems like it, the way the T-Wolves played against the Suns in an ugly 110-97 home loss. Minny tied a season low for points in a quarter by scoring only 8 points in the first 12 minutes. During that Quarter of Doom, they shot 14 percent (3-for-21) and didn't hit a shot in the final 7:25 of the period despite, as the Associated Press put it, "playing against one of the NBA’s worst defensive teams." Said Timberwolves coach Kevin McHale: "Just a terrible effort from start to finish. Hard to account for it. ... No bright spots. Nothing. I'm not thinking down the road, I'm just thinking of how disgusted I was to watch that game. You feel bad for your fans. To come out on a Saturday evening and that's what you watch, there's no excuse for that."

McHale wasn't done there. He continued by laying waste to rookie Kevin Love. Despite the fact that Love has been one of the few bright spots in Minnesota this season, McHale played him only 20 minutes because he didn't like his effort. "If I could have played 10 other guys, I would played them. Unfortunately we didn't have 10 other people. I could've got people out of the stands, but I'm not sure that's legal." Yep, it's official. McHale has finally gone postal. I sure hope they don't sell shotguns anywhere Kevin shops.

The Charlotte Bobcats: I'll give the 'Cats this much: Despite having nothing whatsoever to play for, they arrived in Chicago hellbent on beating the Bulls. And they might very well have done that, except that they melted down in the fourth quarter like a brick of government cheese, which is kind of a misleading analogy, since government cheese wouldn't melt in a volcano and was (I suspect) an advanced form of alien life scouting our planet for a hostile takeover. Anyway, Charlotte committed 8 of their 16 turnovers in the final 12 minutes, during which they were outscored 35-23 and lost by seven. I'll let you do that math on that one. Regarding his team's terminal case of butterfingeritis, Larry Brown said: "I can't explain it because it's not like we’re being trapped or pressed. We just throw it all around." As a Bulls fan and blogger, I was happy to see the Bobcats hand over the game...but damn.

The Utah Jazz: You know that scene in Star Wars -- I refuse to call it Episode IV, by the way -- when Obi-Wan Kenobi just lets Darth Vader cut him in half, and then Vader nudges Ben's robe with his shiny boot just to make sure the old man is dead? That's what it feels like opponents are doing to the Jazz these days. The Warriors -- who were without Monta Ellis, Stephen Jackson, Jamal Crawford, Corey Maggette and whoever else you wanna name -- played just seven men and still pulled out a 118-108 victory in Utah, where the Jazz are supposed to be invincible. Unless New Orleans or Dallas chokes in the next couple days, Utah is going to be stuck in the eighth and final...make that fatal...playoff spot. Said Deron Williams: "This is bad. I just don't know what's going on right now with us. We're just limping into the playoffs. It's like we're kind of content with being there and being the eighth seed instead of trying to better ourselves."

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips weren't playing the Sacramento Kings, which means, first of all, that their winning streak ended at one game, and, secondly, that they are indeed who we thought they were.

Saturday lacktivity report: Chris still gave us a quick couple lacktion munchies on a short night.

Pistons-Pacers: Walter Hermann fouled once for a +1 suck differential in 4:56.

Suns-Wolves: Despite a steal and a block, Mark Madsen fouled once for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 7:09.

The Boston Celtics: If KG comes back healthy for the playoffs, maybe everybody will forget this game. But for one Sunday in Cleveland, the defending champs looked more like the 24-win squad that preceded Danny Ainge's extreme makeover of the franchise. The Celtics were never in the game, as the Crabs built a 31-9 lead by the end of the first quarter and then coasted in for a 107-76 victory...their biggest win every over Boston (a span of 173 games). But while the final outcome didn't provide any drama, certain aspects of the game sure did...

Cleveland's grandstanding: The Crabs have been rolling around on the sidelines and basically acting like a bunch of children most of the season, but the hotdogging hit an all-time high -- or, more accurately, an all-time low -- during the Boston Teabag Party. As the AP put it:

When the Cavs reserves pushed the lead to 30, James, Mo Williams and Delonte West boogied together during a timeout as Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" pumped through the arena. The trio wasn't shy about things as they mugged for TV cameras to the roaring crowd's delight.

At the other end of the floor, the Celtics sat stoically while watching the Cavs' clown around.

"I'm always going to remember that," Ray Allen said. "If I beat a team, as happy as I may be in victory, I'm always going to stay humble and always remember that there's another day. We play each other too much. Those are great motivational thoughts for me."

James insisted the Cavs weren't being irreverent toward the league's most storied franchise.

"We're not trying to disrespect any team or show up any team," he said. "We're all professionals. If you take it as disrespectful, then you got to do something about it."

So in one breath LeBron claims he's not being disrespectful, and in the next he issues a schoolyard challenge. Whatever. I call shenanigans. Let me put it this way: If I was playing pickup ball, hell, if I was playing NBA Live on the PS3, and my opponent started pulling that garbage while blowing me out, I would want to punch that person or persons in the mouth or stuff them into a wood chipper, Eminem-style. But here's a better barometer. If a Little League team acted like that, the coaches and parents would scold them for their behavior...assuming the coaches and parents actually teach sportsmanship.

Anderson Varejao versus Ray Allen: As if things weren't getting ugly enough, Sideshow Bob hooked Ray-Ray's arm during a third-quarter free throw and then flung him to the floor. Allen responded by going for a nut shot. Yeah.


Said Ray: "It was a dirty play. He locked my arm and threw me to the ground. I wasn't going to allow him to think he could do whatever he wanted. I'm always going to stand up for myself. It's one thing for a team to be beating us, but they're not going to walk all over us." Responded Varejao: "You don't hit a man in his (groin). He doesn't like Brazilians or he doesn't like my hair." So apparently Andy's only okay with cheap shots that don't involve the genitals. Got it.

Bill Walker: Swatted. Violently. By Wally Szczerbiak. A fitting end to this debacle. (Thanks to DKH for the link.)


The Dallas Mavericks: You might remember that when the Hornets lost in Dallas on Friday night despite Chris Paul's 42/9/7, Paul said: "It's not about how I do. It's about how we do." Well, CP3 proved himself wrong during Sunday's rematch with the Mavs in the Big Easy by going off for 31 points, 9 rebounds and 17 assists...pretty much single-handedly destroying Dallas in the process. And I don't mean just the team, I'm talking about the entire city of Dallas AND the entire 357-episode run of the TV series (retroactively). And here's some fun with simple math for you: On the weekend, Paul lit the Mavs up for 73 points, 18 boards and 24 assists. Said Rick Carlisle: "We tried everything. We were trapping him...pretty much the whole fourth quarter. He just found ways to either draw fouls or get the ball to other people. That's what great players do. He was great down the stretch." Down the stretch, up the stretch, over the stretch, under it, on top of it, humping the living hell out of it. That was ultimate destruction. Statistical aside: New Orleans hit nearly 56 percent of their shots.

The Philadelphia 76ers: They suffered their fifth straight defeat in Toronto. All five losses have come after they clinched a playoff berth...and it represents their longest losing streak of the season. They've now fallen into a tie with the Bulls for the sixth spot in the East with games against the Celtics and Crabs still to go. Uh oh. Statistical aside: Philly let the Craptors shoot over 53 percent and Andrea Bargnani had a career-high six blocks. Oh, and they let Toronto score 31 points off turnovers. Speaking of which...

Andre Iguodala: One of the main reasons the Sixers finished the game with more turnovers (19) than assists (18) is because Iggy committed a season-high 10! Memo to whoever will be coaching in Philadelphia next season: Don't let Iguodala play basketball with butter-soaked hands. That is all.

Samuel Dalembert: Make it 1 assist in his last 27 games (versus 159 shot attempts and 39 turnovers). In related news, forensic analysis has confirmed that there's only one set of prints on that ball.

The New York Knicks: They'd already been humiliated by both Kobe (61 points) and King Crab (52 points, 9 rebounds, 11 assists), and yesterday was Dwyane Wade's turn. Pookie went off for a career-high 55 points, which included a career-best with six three-pointers. Basically, the Knicks have been a bunch of basketball props all season. They're like cardboard cutouts on defense, only with fewer dimensions.

After the explosion, an anonymous commenter sent in an excerpt from Cavs: The Blog: "My MVP venting of the night: Wade dropped 55 and 4 assists (63 total points) on a comically bad Knicks defense in a game that means absolutely nothing for that team. It will be made into a big deal tonight. It’s a pretty number. Chris Paul put up 37/9/17 (71 total points created) with 1 turnover and 86% TS in a game that matters to them for playoff positioning. You can't play better than that. There is not a level above that. That's maybe the best box-score line of the SEASON. The leads? 'Wade explodes for 55' and 'Paul, West give Hornets edge over Mavericks.'"

Ah, but an assist isn't supposed to be worth as much as a point, right? I mean, John Hollinger's PER formula only uses 2/3 of an assist, so you have to shave off, like, 6 of CP3's assists, which reduces his total by 12 points. Then I'm sure some idiot will argue that some of Paul's assists weren't really assists, so wipe out another 3 or 4 dimes. Off comes another 6 or 8 points. Therefore the power of advanced stats and in-depth analysis really shows that Paul's game was average at best.

Random thought: Shouldn't Hollinger's formula be updated to reduce the value of points scored against defenseless teams like the Knicks? Seriously, every FG scored against, say, New York or Phoenix should be worth, like, 1/25 of a "normal" field goal, right? Discuss.

Mike D'Antoni, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Regarding D-Wade's double-nickel: "When you have a guy like him, you can just ride him."

More lousy NBA officiating: Think the Sacramento Kings' season couldn't possibly get any worse? Think again:

That the referees counted Michael Finley's three good without the benefit of replay...that's perfect. It seemed like a joke when the refs moved on with the game, and Randy Brown had to tell Andres Nocioni to go to the huddle. When Shareef Abdur-Rahim asked Danny Crawford, "That was late. Watch the replay." "We can't," Crawford replied. "Oh," said Abdur-Rahim. I mean, it seemed like everyone was like -- "Ok, joke's over, review it and reverse it." Like Crawford would keep a straight face walking up to Kenny Natt ... and then pull out a gun with daisies coming out of the barrel. "HA! HA! You shoulda seen the look on your face! Of course we'll review it."

Sadly, as has been the case this entire season, that was no joke.

For those that missed it, game tied at 92. S.A. ball, roughly 2.5 seconds separate the game and shot clocks. Sacramento's defense stifles Tony Parker's penetration (a true rarity), and T.P. kicks out to Michael Finley with one tick left on the shot clock. Finley rises ... the shot clock goes off ... Finley fires, in. Crawford, the nearest referee, is watching Finley's feet. He counts it good. The other two refs don't dispute it. Review shows the shot clock expired by at least a half-second. No matter, as a shot clock play isn't reviewable by the refs. The Kings get the ball with 1.3 seconds, and Nocioni airballs the wing three.

Now watch, dear readers, sing a chorus of My Freeze Ray as Michael Finley makes time stand still:


Even Gregg Popovich admitted the call was bogus. "I looked on the film, and it looked like it was still in his hand. I didn't study it, but I looked real quickly, and it looked like it was still in his hands."

Pau Gasol: Look at the Spanish Marshmallow try to cock block that old guy by hitting on his wife/girlfriend/whatever while sitting on the poor dude's lap. Disgraceful.


Kobe Bryant: Mamba totally put Pau up to it.

Update! Sunday lacktion report: He was out late on Sunday, but Chris still came through:

Mavs-Hornets: Morris Peterson fouled once in 6:43 for a +1 suck differential. Sean Marks earned a slight Voskuhl in 7:13 of 3:2 (two fouls and a giveaway against one board).

Sixers-Raptors: Kareem Rush quickly accrued a +2 in 4:02 via three-point brick and foul.

Knicks-Heat: Chris Quinn and Dorell Wright became twin inheritors after each taking home a 1.1 trillion keep.

Spurs-Kings: Fabricio Oberto fabulously bricked and fouled once each for a +2 in 5:23 (also earning him a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl), while Cedric Simmons entertainingly brought back a 1.65 trillion.

Grizzlies-Lakers: Adam Morrison fouled once and bricked twice (once from the Library Tower) for a +3 in 6:26. And teammate Josh Powell did get two boards in 8:27, not enough to overcome a bit of a Voskuhl at 3:2 thanks to two fouls, one turnover, and two missed shots.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Thanks to Dan B. for today's pic.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Bulls have become a really team to play against in Chicago -- for details, go to By The Horns -- but the Sixers played a little Russian roulette with their playoff seeding by missing 11 free throws, giving up 24 points off of only 13 turnovers and getting outscored in fast break points 20-11...despite the fact that they're supposed to be a fast break team.

Philly has now lost three games in a row -- all to teams below the .500 mark -- and now are only 1.5 games up on the Bulls in what has suddenly become a battle for sixth place. And their end-of-season schedule goes: versus Cleveland, at Toronto, versus Boston, at Cleveland. Uh oh, huh?

Another interesting Philly factoid: As Doug Collins pointed out last night, the Sixers are 0-4 against the Nets and 1-3 versus the Bobcats this season. That's seven big losses to sub-.500 teams, and those defeats may well end up costing them down this closing stretch. And mind you, nearly the exact same thing happened to them last season, when they finished the year by losing seven of their last 10 games.

Samuel Dalembert: Basketbawful reader Kaan writes: "Hey man how can you miss this? I think Emeka Okafor is losing his edge...Samuel Dalembert is the new Yinka Dare of the league. From The News-Herald: 'In In his last 24 games, Sixers center Sam Dalembert has a 0-to-33 assist-to-turnover ratio.' Well he is 17 for 113 for the season. 17 assists in 78 games...Okafor by the way is 51 for 142." All I can say is: Damn, dawg! You're not even letting the GROUND touch the ball!

Also, you may remember that I recently tried to make a funny about Kaan's name. Well, he corrected me on that count too: "PS: My name is not just 'one letter away from Khan.' Actually it is Khan...but we spell it Kaan in Turkey. 'Khan' is the way English language spell this Turkish word for pronunciation purposes. Actually the word is Turkish and it is spelled either Kaan or Kagan. The 'g' in between is not a 'g' actually. There is a letter in turkish called 'soft g'. 'ğ'. Anyway enough linguistics. But I wanted to make clear that I indeed have a very cool name. Unfortunately it is not very uncommon in Turkey." Thanks for teaching us something new, Kaan, er, Khan, uhm, you know.

The Sacramento Kings: Have you begun to notice that the Sucktowners end up in WotN pretty much every time they play? But that's what you expect from a team squatting on 16 wins for the season. Kevin Martin missed his fourth straight game with a sore ankle and the Kings suffered yet another sound thumping at home, courtesy of the Rockets. Houston shot 65 percent in the third quarter and 54 percent for the game, scoring 115 points, which is about 17 above their season average. Even the notoriously inefficient Ron Artest lit 'em up for a game-high 26 points on 10-for-18 shooting, including 3-for-5 from downtown. Hey, they say that defense is the first thing to go on a lousy team, and Sacramento gives up the second-most points per game (109.7) and the highest opponent's field goal percentage (48.4), which is probably why they rank dead last in defensive efficiency (112 points given up per 100 possessions).

The Denver Nuggets: Before the game, George Karl intimated that the Nuggets had something to prove. All they proved, however, was that they aren't nearly as good as the Lakers. Team Evil won by 14 points despite shooting only 42 percent for the game, missing 19 of their 24 three-pointers and bonking on nine free throw attempts. It might have helped if Denver had been able to protect their offensive glass, where L.A. killed them 18-10 (of which Pau Gasol had 11). Oh, and Andrew Bynum, who hasn't played a regular season game since people still thought the Iverson-to-Detroit trade might actually work, lit them up for 16 points on 7-for-11 shooting.

George Karl, Captain Obvious: "We probably didn’t play well enough to win." Probably, huh?

The Charlotte Bobcats: Somebody call whine-one-one...the Bobcats need the waaahmbulance...and fast! Why, you ask? Because they're the first NBA team in 12 years to close the season on a four-game road trip, which, considering their 12-25 road record, could have a seriously bad effect on their playoff chances. Gerald Wallace called the scheduling "bad management" and added: "That comes from upstairs from the organization, as much as you hate to say it. You don't want to send your team at the end of the season on a four-game road trip. That's hard for anybody to do, especially for us since we're so young and we're trying to fight for the playoffs."

In case you're confused, Charlotte's arena is reserved for the Charlotte Jumper Classic this weekend...a "pet project" of owner Bob Johnson, whose daughter competes in the event. Said Bobcats president Fred Whitfield: "It's no secret that our owner's daughter is an equestrian and he has a huge affinity for the jumping business. It's just one of the events that he feels strongly about, that he feels should be a part of the whole cultural experience that we offer in this building."

And here I thought people usually got props for putting family first. But I guess that only applies when they take a mid-career vacation retire for 18 months or something.

Advanced statistical fail: As AnacondaHL pointed out: "As of yesterday and today, both Hollinger and Kubatko still show the Suns with a chance to make the playoffs. I will now swallow glass shards covered in asbestos." It's true. Check the links. Hollinger's numbers (which, according to his site, are updated automatically each night) gives Phoenix a 0.8 percent chance while Kubatko's (which proudly states "Results based on the method used by Justin Kubatko to win the TrueHoop Stat Geek Smackdown in both 2007 and 2008") gives them a 0.6 percent chance. I'm sure you'll agree that's pretty amazing for a team that was mathematically eliminated from the postseason a couple days ago. I'm just sayin'.

(Oh, and in case the sites get updated, I took screenshots: Fail 1, Fail 2.)

Lacktion report: Chris provided a very short lacktivity update:

Nuggets-Lakers: In one of the slowest days for lacktion this season, Johan Petro is our marquee lacktator just a few miles away from the movie capital of the world. Denver's least effective big man barely eked out a Voskuhl in 10:59, going 5:4 via four fouls and one giveaway (and a brick) against two rebounds and a made field goal.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted every member of the Suns' organization the links to Hollinger's and Kubatko's playoff odds.

Labels: Charlotte Bobcats, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, math fail, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Samuel Dalembert

I expect many today will waste words crying about the Suns. I'm not a man of many words, but we all knew this was coming. Maybe this isn't a traditional elegy, but it's definitely not a eulogy.

July 2010 can't arrive any faster.

What's a-matter boy? C'mon, it's time to eat...

>I know Mama. He was my team. I'll do it.

I see dead playoff teams.

They only see what they want to see. But they don't know they're dead.


Faster! Faster Nashi! Don't look back! Keeprunnin' and gunnin'! Keep runnin' and gunnin'!

You can breathe, you can breathe c'mon...

If he dies, he dies.
Kobe Bryant: MamBison shot Old Yeller after revealing Bruce Willis was dead all along, even though it was supposed to be an exhibition. And then he ate Bambi's mother.

About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, prepare for the 2009 draft. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover a completely un-theorized particle of quantum physics (and I would obviously name it after myself, not something stupid like Y(4140)), name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Bambi, double facepalm, fan submissions, Phoenix Suns, potato suck race, spoilering classic movie plots, whining

The San Antonio Spurs: KA-THWAMMM!! That, my friends, was the sound of the Spurs' championship window, and you don't have to be an expert in onomatopoeia-ology to understand what I'm getting at. That tried-and-true formula of surrounding their Three Amigos with smart, focused, veteran role players was already looking a little age worn due to the fact that the front office hasn't been able to restock the shelves with enough fresh produce during its offseason grocery shopping trips. But now, with Manu Ginobili lost for the season and Tim Duncan hobbling around on 70-year-old knees, doesn't it sort of feel like their time has passed? Or even maybe that it passed right after their last title, only nobody realized it because these were the Spurs, a team that had spent most of the decade being one step ahead of everybody else?

Now, they've fallen a step behind. So much so, in fact, that they blew a 19-point first-half lead and lost at home to the Portland Trail Blazers for the first time since 2002. Not only was this San Antonio's fourth loss in the last six games, it dropped them into a three-way tie with the Houston and Portland for the third-best record in the West. Oh, and with this win, the Blazers won the season series 3-1. As bright as the future looks in Portland, it's getting mighty dark for the once-mighty Spurs.

Tim Duncan: The dude is straight up hurting, and unless he gets a bionic knee implant -- unlikely -- his status isn't going to improve any time soon. It's probably a sign of the team's desperation that Gregg Popovich used TD in back-to-backs for the first time in about six weeks, and the result showed why he probably should have been sitting. He finished with 4 points on 2-for-8 shooting in almost 24 minutes and got yanked when he looked like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz while going after a loose ball. Said Pops: "I didn't like the way he moved on a loose ball, so I just pulled him. He went tonight because he felt good. When I thought he didn't, that's when I decided to pull him." Added Tony Parker: "People don't realize Timmy's been playing on one leg for like a month and a half."

The Toronto Raptors: It's kind of amusing to think that, just a few days ago, everybody was talking about how hot the Craptors were and how they were building momentum for next season. Riiiiiiiight. And I'm shooting lasers from my eyes right now. Okay, that part's true, but the part about Toronto-mentum is...


Last night's 130-101 loss to the Pacers was the Craptors' third loss in a row, and it was a real stink bomb. They obviously arrived in Indianapolis with a "defense optional" mindset, holding the Pacers to just under 55 percent shooting for the game. Indy scored 37, 37 and 41 points in the first three quarters before taking the last 12 minutes off. Said Chris Bosh: "It's over, man. The best part about it is that it's over." The game? The season? All hope for this Toronto franchise? All of the above?

Jose Calderon: His team anointed him the PG of the future and exiled T.J. Ford to the Land of Corn and Hoosiers. There might not be a direct correlation, but the Pacers are better and the Craptors are worse. And last night, Ford (14 points, 7-for-10, 11 assists) thoroughly outperformed Calderon (4 points, 2-for-9, 6 assists).

The Washington Wizards Generals: Another night, another loss for the Wicked Worst of the East. And despite the fact that it came against the Craboliers in Cleveland -- where they're pretty much invincible -- it pushed Antawn Jamison another step closer to going postal: "You play selfish basketball, try to pad the stats and not play to win games, you get blown out. The same stuff has been going on all year. It gets to the point where it's frustration. I don't know. It's not playing team basketball and not doing the things you need to do in order to win. It's disappointing. We continue to take steps back. There are no excuses. The Wizards, for some reason, when they do something good, they take four or five steps back." One big, boiling, dysfunctional mess. And this seems like as good a time as any to provide a link to a graphic of Antawn surrounded by Washington's 2008-09 team slogan: Character, Commitment, Connection.

The Orlando Magic: It took a 19-7 fourth-quarter run and an out-of-nowhere scoring spree by J.J. Redick to wipe out an eight-point deficit and pull out a three-point, come-from-behind home win over the Memphis Grizzlies. This team just isn't scaring me, you know?

O.J. Mayo: As noted, Redick was a big part of Orlando's fourth-quarter comeback...and Mayo provided the inspiration: "He was just telling me, 'I know you'll give us one (miss) even though you're the greatest college shooter ever, I've heard it all. It goes back to college. It's always the same stuff." Sometimes the trash talk doesn't work.

J.J. Redick: From the AP game recap: "J.J. Redick was feeling confident after sparking a late Orlando Magic rally over the Memphis Grizzlies. His smile was big, his hair was slick and he had an extra bounce in his step. So confident, in fact, Redick had the confidence afterward to wear a light-blue shirt complete with tight white pants and white shoes in a Magic locker room where poking fun at wardrobes is practically a hobby. 'Look at J.J., he's looking like he's in Miami Vice,' forward Rashard Lewis quipped, getting laughs from teammates." Fashion fail. Somebody needs to tell Wally Szczerbiak that J.J.'s stealing his shtick.

The Boston Celtics: I suppose you could make that argument that, considering how long the Celtics have been forced to play without Kevin Garnett, any win is a good win. Of course, if you did that, I would laugh at you, mock you, and then probably make some final joke that involved me having some sort of twisted sexual relations with your mother and/or sister. Playing at home against the Nets, Boston fell behind by 10 points early and later fell asleep after taking a 106-99 lead with 1:11 left. Vince Carter scored a quick 5 points -- off a three-ball and a steal-and-breakaway-layup -- to pull the Nets to within two points with 50 seconds left. Fortunately for the Celtics, who failed to convert a score on their next possession, Vinsanity pulled his usual shenanigans and tried to hit a step-back three with eight seconds left instead of, say, trying to get a good shot.

The New Jersey Nets: The fact that they put up a brave fight in enemy territory was more or less meaningless since the Pistons' victory in New York officially eliminated them from the postseason. The Nets are now 21-38 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." And now, at long last, the stat curse is complete.

The New York Knicks: These guys are only five games better than they were in 2007-08. Last night, in a home game, they let the Pistons shoot nearly 54 percent while only converting on 36 percent (32-for-88) of their field goals (which included 19 missed three-pointers). They were also murdalized on the boards 57-33. Quentin Richardson, Chris Duhon and David Lee combined for only 16 points on 6-for-16 shooting. And Lee was outrebounded 8-4 by Kwame Brown. So...are we ABSOLUTELY SURE that Isiah Thomas isn't still running the team? Seriously, we need to look into this. Meanwhile, Mike D'Antoni said his team "just sagged" and "didn't compete," then further added: "Our guys got overwhelmed and we lost a lot of our mojo and a lot of determination, which is inexcusable but it happens, and that's more or less the story of the game." Still a bad time to be a Knicks fan.

The Milwaukee Bucks: There will be no playoffs for the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit. Last night's loss to the Hawks -- in which they gave up 113 points on 53 percent shooting, the Bucks have lost four straight and are only 1-9 since March 15. It's enough to cause Scott Skiles to lose the three or four hairs he has left.

The Phoenix Suns: Their dramatic win over the Hornets smaked of "too little, too late"...since the Suns still got eliminated from the postseason for the first time since 2004 when Dallas defeated Utah to lock up the eighth and final playoff spot. It's so disappointing that I'm gonna have to recover before I can comment further...

Shaq: The body wasn't even cold -- in fact wasn't even dead -- before Shaq started looking for the next pretty young thang to cuddle up to. Only this PYT is a 40-year-old soccer mom slathered in expensive makeup and comprised mostly of plastic and silicone. But, by all means, Shaq, move on to Dallas. I will enjoy seeing you fail there, if it even happens. (And Mark Cuban doesn't sound like he's sold.)

The Hornets: That's three losses in their last four games, two of which happened in New Orleans. The Hornets are now sixth in the West, only a game ahead of the Jazz. Remember: They were supposed to challenge the Lakers for Western Conference supremacy this season.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: The Thunder have now lost four games in a row, all by double digits, and eight of their last 10. Oh, and they're 3-10 since Kevin Durant returned from injury. But he scored 31 points! OH MY GOD HE'S MADE TO SCORE. (But not dish, apparently, since he had zero assists.) Speaking of Durant...

Kevin Durant, crazy machine: Regarding last night's tough loss to the Nuggets: "We had a couple heartbreakers and we played them tough here, too,” Durant said. “They're a great team, a team that could be in the championship this year easily. So it does give us a lot of confidence." Did I get sucked into some weird parallel universe or something? Denver "could be in the championship this year easily"?

The Utah Jazz: Man, they are SO bad on the road. (Seven losses in their last nine tries.) The Mavs played them like a second-rate fiddle last night en route to a 130-101 win in which Dallas shot almost 55 percent and stole the ball 15 times (including a career-high 7 for Josh Howard). Said Deron Williams: "It was like they wanted it more, like the game meant more to them. It's disappointing." Added Jerry Sloan: "They just destroyed us. They deserved to win because we didn’t make it an contest for them." Speaking of Jerry...

Jerry Sloan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "They beat us all night long." I...didn't know you were into that, Jerry.

Hubie Brown, mathematologist: Basketbawful reader Garron writes: "I love Hubie as a commentator, but this was one of the more un-eloquent remarks he has made during last nights Jazz / Mavs game: 'Ronnie Brewer is also one four guards who shoots over 50% of the field, along with Parker, Chris Paul and Rondo which is good company, otherwise there would only be three guards who shoot over 50% from the field.' At least we know he knows math."

The Golden State Warriors: A home loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves in which they got lit up by Sebastian Telfair (21 points, 9-for-17). Ugh, ugh and double-ugh. Said C.J. Watson: "It was pretty ugly. We stopped doing pretty much everything we wanted to do, moving the ball, playing defense, rebounding. Even running on the fast break, we stopped doing (that) in the third quarter." Added Don Nelson: "They just basically outplayed us all game long. Now, where's my beer?"

By the way, don't bother bringing up Monta Ellis' injury or that the T-Wolves have won three of their last four and four of six. You can add those little factoids to the list of things Dr. Cox doesn't care about.


Lacktion report: From Chris's brain to yours. Scary, huh?

Raptors-Pacers: Jake Voskuhl does it again in 5:11, earning his namesake stat at a Madsen-level ratio of 2:1 (fouls against board).

Blazers-Spurs: Jacque Vaughn wanted to add a third dimension to his life, so a Mario 64 should do it.

Wizards-Cavs: The Comatose Crustacean Crew did their job effectively once more, with Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson scoring a +1 suck differential (via foul) in 5:10 and Tarence Kinsey earning a +3 of his own in 2:46 through one foul, one giveaway, and a turnover from near Jacobs Field.

Grizzlies-Magic: The bear cubs continue to get All-Lacktion level performances from Greg Buckner, whose 7:23 netted him a singular giveaway for +1.

Hawks-Bucks: Thomas Gardner could barely get the zapper for Duck Hunt plugged in, as he only had a seven-second Super Mario to work with!

Kobe Bryant: Mamba made Adam Morrison and Luke Walton dress up like the Ambiguously Gay Duo for a week's worth of practices.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Kevin Durant, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Basketbawful reader Miguel from A Coruña writes: "Let me show you a little European man love. This photo features San Antonio's 2007 draft pick Tiago Splitter and former Milwaukee Bucks center Daniel Santiago. The passion between the Brazilian and the Puerto Rican arose in a Euroleague playoffs match between Tau Vitoria and Barcelona, both from Spain. I'm sure you know how to use it."

Indeed I do: Share it with the world.

Labels: fan submissions, man love

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Lakers, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trailblazers, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors

passer's remorse (pas'-uhrz ri-mors') noun. An emotional condition whereby a pickup baller experiences an immediate and gut-wrenching sense of regret after making a pass.

Usage example: I suffered from an intense case of passer's remorse after dishing the ball to Michigan Guy on game point.

Word history: I coined the term -- which is an obvious takeoff of buyer's remorse -- while me and some buddies were making a list of the people in our pickup league to whom we should never pass the ball. It was generally agreed that passer's remorse typically occurs after the following events:

1. A straight up bad pass.

2. An overly fancy pass that results in a turnover or spoils an easy score. Such as, for instance, when the ball handler jumps in the air before dishing a no-looker or tries to make a behind-the-back pass on the fast break. Or any behind-the-back pass, for that matter. These distributions rarely end well...or end up in the hands of a teammate for that matter. Memo to pickup ballers everywhere: There is no SportsCenter for pickup leagues.

3. When you pass the ball only because you don't realize how wide open you are. Like when somebody hits you under the basket, and you're sure that some big dude is waiting behind you, ready to deliver an atom smasher. Only after you dish the rock do you realize the horrible truth: You were all alone. (But since pickup ballers miss 50-60 percent of their layups, open or otherwise, that might actually have been the best decision.)

4. When you pass the ball to a Black Hole, SWAC, or a NBDM (Notoriously Bad Decision Maker). It's usually clear from the look in his eyes -- well before the ball even touches his greedy, twitching fingers -- that he's putting up the shot no matter what.

5. When you pass the ball to a truly awful player. This happened to me just last night. I drove baseline and, when the defense collapsed, shovel-passed to a teammate who was wide open for a two-footer. Unfortunately, since I was using my peripheral vision, I didn't realize until it was too late that he was free for a reason: He's the worst player in our league. (We've nicknamed him "The Human Turnover.") Terrible players are particularly dangerous to teammates who have been conditioned to always hit the open man. Note that there are certain players who should never be allowed to come into contact with the ball. Partly because they suck and will (most likely) somehow manage to ruin the play, and partly because whatever they have may be catching, and you're probably going to have to touch that ball again.

Labels: pickup basketball, Word of the Day

Scot Pollard and Cheryl Miller absolutely going AT each other...no holds barred! did Vince McMahon set this up?! I had no idea Cheryl could be so scary.


Favorite quote: Said Pollard: "I'm very comfortable with what I accomplished both on and off the court. I knocked a lot of people down."

Labels: cat fights, Cheryl Miller, Scot Pollard

Allen Iverson: From Wild Yams: "Allen Iverson is maybe the most spoiled athlete I've ever seen. After just saying the other day that not only could he play 18 minutes with a 100 pound truck on his back, and that he'd rather retire than come off the bench next year, Joe Dumars has now announced that Iverson's done for the season (playoffs included). Supposedly it's his back, but I think we all know better. Obviously either he refused to play anymore in a substitute role, or he became such a distraction and cancer over being sent to the bench that Detroit just cut their losses and told him to beat it. Either way, it doesn't speak well at all of Iverson. What a spoiled bitch."

More from Karc: "So the Not Answer has been benched, errr, placed on injured reserve for the rest of the year to rest his injured back. This according to ESPN, who probably stole it from Yahoo or Fox. Why don't they just say flu-like symptoms and make it easier? Yeah, it's contagious, like his selfish attitude that leaves him to proclaim that he'd rather retire than play off the bench, then having to reside to said bench during the playoffs. Maybe he needs a little more 'practice' with this team to get back into the starting lineup. Or cut. Probably the latter."

And, finally, from lordhenry: "This is sad, this could've been Iverson's swan song, instead, it's going to color how we look back on his career forever. I saw today that someone posted on ESPN.com that he would be a 'first ballot Hall of Famer.' Really? Still think so now? He has missed a huge oppurtunity to change his image and become a team player, and there is no better team to do this with than the Pistons, where the whole is more than the sum of its parts. Joe D. just doesn't want Iverson mucking up what remains of the Pistons' season."

As Basketbawful reader dnach said in response to a "Back shelves Iverson for rest of season" headline: "More like 'Ego shelves Iverson....'" It's sad. Nearly unbelievable, even to me, a guy who runs a blog about the best of the worst of professional basketball. A.I. and Kevin Garnett were two players who, over the last decade, everybody wondered what would happen if they were surrounded by other good players. Well, KG became a champion and Iverson has tarnished his legacy forever. So I guess that answers that question.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats are just a couple games out of the playoff picture, making every game a "must win" for them. So the fact that they held the Heat to 11 first-quarter points and built a 15-point first-half lead at home seemed like a good sign...much in the same way that the Hindenburg actually lifting off into the air probably seemed like a positive at the time. Of course, it could be that Charlotte was the victim of a little road cookin', seeing as how Miami had a 24-12 advantage in free throw attempts, including 16-0 in the fourth quarter. But Gerald Wallace (21 points, 8-for-12, 8 boards) wasn't having any of that: "It's very frustrating. You always look at the last two minutes of the game, we don't get the calls. ... But when you look back at it, it's always because of us. It's nothing the referees are doing." Unless they're making silly faces and talking about you behind your back. That could be a real distraction.

Udonis Haslem: From the AP recap: "The only negative for Miami was Udonis Haslem. The forward cut his right thumb on the backboard defending Gerald Wallace's driving layup attempt late in the third quarter. Haslem, who needed six stitches, was wearing a splint after the game and hinted he could be out for a week or more. I definitely can't play with six stitches in my shooting hand,' Haslem said." Wait, seriously? The Heat are fighting to playoff position and Haslem is going to sit out "a week or more" with a cut thumb? I guess this is where I should remember that, before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

The Pacers' defense: Indy let the Spurs shoot nearly 55 percent from the field and score 126 points, offsetting their own 52 percent shooting as well as the homecourt advantage. It was the third-highest point total of the season for San Antonio, and the highest in regulation. They scored 129 points in a double-overtime win over Minnesota on November 5 and 133 points in another double-overtime win against the Mavs on December 9. Without OTs, though, the Spurs don't usually put up those kind of numbers. Even freaking Drew Gooden dropped 17 (on 6-for-8 from the field). Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "They're a tough team to guard, but I thought we let ourselves down defensively." Thanks for the brick, Captain Obvious.

The Spurs fourth-quarter defense: Despite the rare offensive explosion, San Antonio nearly lost the game because they let the Pacers score 40 points in the fourth quarter on 70 percent shooting in what can only be described as the NBA-equivalent of narcolepsy. Said Tim Duncan: "I think I can count it on one hand the past five years how many teams have scored 40 on us in a quarter."

The Atlanta Hawks: So much for their brinkmanship with Boston. The Kevin Garnett-less C's held the Dirty Birds to 35 percent shooting while hitting 53 percent of their own field goals en route to a reasonably pain-free 104-92 win. Glen "Big Baby" Davis once again lit Atlanta up for 19 points (on 7-for-10 shooting) and Kendrick Perkins had a double-double (12 points, 10 boards) and blocked 7 shots. Man, I guess Rajon Rondo (20 points, 7-for-10, 6 assists) knew what he was talking about when he said: "I don't like to talk trash, but in my eyes it's not a rivalry. I don't know if anybody else looks at it as a rivalry. People consider Cleveland a rival. We just went seven with Atlanta. That's about it." The Hawks are now 14-24 on the road.

Kevin Durant: KD scored only 13 points -- matching his fourth-lowest scoring total of the season -- while shooting 4-for-13 and committing a game-high 4 turnovers...and his team scored a season-low 72 points and lost by 35 at home. The Thunder are now 3-7 since Durant's return from injury, following a streak in which they went 5-2 without him. And people wonder why I'm not ready to call him a superstar. I'd said it before and I'll say it again: Be wary of players who light up the scoreboard for terrible teams.

The Cleveland Craboliers: Holy smokes! From the AP recap: "Never in LeBron James' entire basketball life could he recall being down by more than 40 points. Not in the NBA. Not in high school. Not even playing pickup basketball as a kid. The Orlando Magic gave him a first. Dwight Howard had 20 points and 11 rebounds, and the Magic rode a strong second-half start to go ahead by 41 points and hand the Cleveland Cavaliers their most lopsided loss of the season with a 116-87 blowout Friday night. 'It's embarrassing,' James said. "It's not about how many games you lose, it's about how you lose them. The last two games weren't how we play the game of basketball.'" The Crabs shot a shade under 37 percent while the Magicians hit nearly 54 percent of their field goals.

It's not often that the league's "best team" gets destroyed that badly. But hey, at least LeBron beat Dwight Howard in their pre-game half-court shootout.

The Dallas Mavericks: Uh, guys? You do realize that you haven't qualified for the playoffs yet, right? Despite that fact, the Mavs, who were once again without Josh Howard, let the Grizzlies -- yes, the 21-win Memphis Grizzlies -- shoot almost 54 percent from the field (including 57 percent from downtown), outrebound them 45-32, and, worse, outscore them 107-102. Said Dirk Nowitzki: "No question it's a disappointment. We have a great chance here to make sure we get into the playoffs, and even move up, and we lay an egg here in Memphis." Speaking of playoff position failures...

The Utah Jazz: A home loss to the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves? Really?! Oh, man. I almost wish Karl Malone and John Stockton were dead so they wouldn't have to live through this. Minny shot 53 percent and pounded the Jazz on the glass (42-28), snapping their nine-game road losing streak in the process...while also ending Utah's 15-game home winning streak. Said Deron Williams: "It's a bad loss. There's no other way to sugar coat it." Phil Johnson, who coached the Jazz with Jerry Sloan in Illinois for his brother’s funeral, added: "These are tough games. You're playing against people that don't have much pressure on them. You're playing against a team that's free and easy and we've got pressure on us." Wow. That's a doozy of a rationalization.

The Sacramento Kings: Yeah...that's more like what we, the fans, expect from the league's worst team. Sans Kevin Martin, who sat out with a sprained ankle, the Kings had the smack laid brutally (and probably bitterly) down on them by the same Suns team they embarrassed in Sacramento last Sunday. Phoenix drilled nearly 55 percent of their scoring attempts and put 138 points on the board despite bricking 10 free throws. Said Spencer Hawes: "Anytime you come out of halftime down by four and lose by 30, something has got to give. They kept pushing it at us and kept making plays and we didn’t respond." Oh, and speaking of Hawes...

The Suns' defense: Lest you think that the Suns played any, think again. Hawes scored a career-high 22 points, Jason Thompson netted a career-best 23 and Francisco Garcia -- huh, Francisco...that's fun to say -- put up a season-high 29. Phoenix: Where "defense" is just "waiting to get back on offense."

The New Orleans Hornets: Hey, Hornets, look out for that banana pee...TOO LATE. Despite the fact that the Warriors had lost five of six and 13 of 19, and although a win would have moved New Orleans into fourth spot in the Western Conference, they lost in Oakland for the first time since 2006. As a result, the Hornets crashed into the West's sixth spot -- a half-game behind the Rockets -- in the process. You know what might have helped? Defense. At least on Jamal Crawford (team-high 39 points) and/or Anthony Randolph (who matched his career-high with 20 points and added a career-high 15 rebounds). Said Hornets coach Byron Scott: "We just didn't come out ready to play. It's a bad loss, that's the bottom line. It's not a loss that we expected to get but I also expected us to come out with a lot more passion to start the game than we did. We paid the price."

Darryl Morey and Michael Lewis: An anonymous commenter wrote in to say:

Can we get a worst of the night for Darryl Morey and maybe Michael Lewis?

Artest didn't say much to Bryant on Friday, but he also only guarded him for a few possessions. That assignment went to Battier, who unwittingly provided his own source of motivation for the Lakers. Last month, the New York Times Magazine ran a story by "Moneyball" author Michael Lewis detailing how Rockets GM Daryl Morey has innovatively used statistics when making player assessments.

"The Lakers' offense should obviously be better with Kobe in," Morey said in the story. "But if Shane is on him, it isn't."

Shane Battier: "My job is to keep him as inefficient as possible."

The article came out before the March 11 Game. Kobe's stats that night: 14-for-23 for 37 points, 2-for-3 from three with 6 assists. And last night: 7-for-11 for 20 points, 4-for-6 from three with 7 assists.

So, post "Moneyball" Kobe is 21-for-34 vs. the Rox, including 6-for-9 from three.

The lesson, as always: Don't tug on Superman's cape.

Mark Jackson: From stephanie g: "During the Rockets-Lakers game, the three stooges were discussing great mid-range shooters and Mark Jackson said the difference between Ray Allen and Kobe Bryant was that Kobe spends huge amounts of time working on his jumper to get it as good as it is whereas Ray Ray was 'born with a jump shot.' Anyone who knows anything about Jesus Shuttlesworth knows that he has a borderline OCD personality and that he spends an absurd amount of time practicing his shot which has influenced a lot of player's workout routines around the league. I'm sure Mark was just trying to fellate Kobe as usual and didn't mean to slight Ray, but well, he did. Check this article, page 1: "Everyone wishes they could shoot like Ray. They tell him that all the time. They are envious, they say, of his God-given talent. 'An insult,' says Allen. 'God could care less whether I can shoot a jump shot.'"

Friday lactivity report: Danger. Lacktion inside. (via Chris.)

Heat-Bobcats: Yakhouba Diawara provided 2.7 trillion worth of celebratory tobacco for Miami tonight, as he will get a chance to lack it up in the playoffs!

Spurs-Pacers: San Antonio's Ime Udoka blew the dust off his copy of Tetris with a 56-second Mario. And as Indiana watched its playoff hopes slip away, it produced two lacktaters of non-notability: Travis Diener, who scored a +1 suck differential in 4:54 via foul, and Josh McRoberts, whose 4:46 was filled with a foul, rejection, and two bricks for a +4 (also good for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl).

Hawks-Celtics: Othello Hunter was green with envy tonight - envious at the green-jerseyed C's winning, and also green with the 2.7 trillion influx of cash he received!

Mavs-Grizzlies: Darko Milicic was free to lack it up, getting one board but avoiding any shot attempts for a Voskuhl of 3:1 (via two fouls and a giveaway). Teammate Quinton Ross will now be able to buy plenty of clothes for less with a 3.7 trillion paycheck.

Wolves-Jazz: Bobby Brown sang a song of suck with a +4 in 3:10 via foul, rejection, giveaway and brick!

Kings-Suns: Calvin Booth entered the theater of big man fail with a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl in 3:38 (two fouls against a rebound and brick). Meanwhile, Will Solomon demonstrated his financial smarts with a 3.2 trillion.

Rockets-Lakers: James White unremarkably bricked once from downtown for a +1 in 1:28 that no doubt displeased Clutch the Bear.

The New York Knicks: Stuck on 29 wins -- only six up on last year's total -- and losers of 10 of their last 11 games. Oh, and they were officially, mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. [snicker] At this point, even Mike D'Antoni is wondering what the hell he was thinking...even as his robot butler lights him a cigar rolled out of hundred dollar bills. Speaking of Mikey Boy, he was bummed that his team utterly failed to end it's postseason drought, which began back in 2004. "I don't know, I was pretty disappointed that we didn't [make the playoffs] to be honest with you. I just thought too many games would come down to where we could take control of it, 15 or 16 games less than five points, and we just never came up with the big play or the big stops and tonight was just another night."

The Madison Square Garden event planners: From the AP game notes: "The circus is in town, and it caused an inconvenient arrival at Madison Square Garden for the Raptors. They couldn’t use their usual entrance into the arena, with police telling them it was blocked off because of the elephants and to come back in an hour. The Raptors found an alternate route, but then couldn’t get off the elevator on the floor they wanted because that’s where the lions were." Huh. I guess it really IS a jungle in there.

The New Jersey Nets: Vince Carter was hobbled by a sore left Achilles tendon -- which he injured in practice the day before -- and finished with 4 points on 2-for-10 shooting. So it's not surprising, really, that the Nets once again failed to come through in a must-win game. Although, believe it or not, New Jersey went up by a point (94-93) with 2:50 to go, but they were undone by their own ineptitude. Jarvis Hayes committed a dumb foul while trying to slap-fight his way through a Brad Miller pick. Miller nailed the 'throws. On the Nets' next possession, Devin Harris had the ball poked away by John Salmons, and Harris then made matters worse by committing a flagrant foul on Salmons as the Bulls ran the other way. The Bulls rattled off the games final 10 points to drop New Jersey to 20-37 since Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

The Atlanta Hawks: Their 88-82 home loss to the Magic was the sixth defeat in their last eight games, three of which happened in Atlanta...where they are supposedly invincible. It's funny because, you know, I've taken some shots at the Hawks this season -- and deservedly so, I think -- which has caused some Atlanta fans to give me the business. Well, twice, anyway: After their eight and seven-game home stands, in which the Dirty Birds went 14-1. Impressive, yes, but ultimately (I think) a little deceiving. I mean, ever since that 20-10 start that got everybody yammering about how they had turned a corner, the Hawks are 23-24. And look at the facts: On the season, they're 0-4 against Boston and 1-3 versus both Cleveland and Orlando. I'll give them this: They might get out of the first round. But if they do, the dream will end there. They just aren't focused, consistent or, frankly, good enough to go any further than that.

The Washington Wizards Generals: I guess you can chalk up this 118-104 home loss to Miami as "post-make-believe-championship malaise." That and their failure to do the whole "hand in the face" thing. The Heat hit a franchise record (for a quarter) eight triples in the fourth quarter, three of which got drilled by a wide open James Jones. Said Wizards Generals interim coach Ed Tapscott: "When we called timeout finally, I said, 'Fellows, James Jones is a shooter and he's in the corner. If anybody would like to find him, we'd be delighted.'" Wow. Does he really address his team as "fellows"? No wonder he can't through to these guys. Maybe he should try something like "dude" or "you rich, lazy bastards." Fun fact: Washington finished 1-15 in its own division.

The Milwaukee Bucks: A home loss to the Grizzlies with everything at stake? Really?! Yes, really. The Bucks, who not to long ago were seemingly entrenched in the eight spot, have now lost 12 of their last 15 games to plummet out of playoff contention. Or, if you want to take a "glass half full" stance, they're totally improving their chances in the draft lottery. Yay, balls! (Lottery balls, you sicko.)

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Other L.A. Team has been a M.A.S.H unit all season, and on this night they were without Marcus Camby (ankle), Mardy Collins (foot), Ricky Davis (knee), Al Thornton (foot), and Chris Kaman (flu-like symptoms!). Personally, I think there was only one malady at work. I call it "Clipperitis." And yes: It's fatal.

Saturday lactivity report: Chris advises caution: Lacktion may cause drowsiness and/or uncontrollable flatulence.

Pistons-Sixers: Royal Ivey had once abdicated his throne as Philadelphia's human victory cigar, only to be crowned tonight in that position with a 3.6 trillion.

Magic-Hawks: THE Mario West missed out on his namesake stat by three seconds, instead fouling once for a +1 suck differential in 1:02.

Mr. West wasn't the only Hawk to have his wings clipped, as Zaza Pachulia's one rebound in 6:09 was negated by two fouls, one giveaway, and three bricks (two from the charity stripe) for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Bucks: Hamed Haddadi happily unwrapped his copy of MegaMan as he spent a mere 15 seconds on the floor for a Mario.

Meanwhile, the M.A.S.H. Unit on Lake Michigan brought out a buffoon of a big man in Dan Gadzuric, whose singular field goal and rebound in a starting stint of 20:28 were not enough to prevent a slight Voskuhl of 4:3 via two fouls and two giveaways.

The San Antonio Spurs: After the way the Crabs lost their last two games, especially the stinker in Orlando, the Spurs really had not chance...which is sort of indicative of how these two teams are going to totally different directions. Said Gregg Popovich: "We knew we were in trouble,” he said. “I want to find out who the scheduler was that made us play this game after they lost their last two." Player notes: Manu Ginobili shot 2-for-9 and finished with as many fouls as points (4) and Tim Duncan left the arena without speaking to reporters after netting 6 points on 2-for-7 shooting.

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns gave up 140 points on 60 percent shooting in what turned out to be the most important game of their season. That's some pretty epic fail, right there. Now the only way Phoenix can make the postseason is if they win their final five games...and the Mavs lose their last five. As Steve Nash said: "We're not holding our breath." Maybe not, but that might be advisable after this stink bomb. Although, to be fair, Dallas was crazy hot, going 15-for-25 from downtown, including a 71-footer by Josh Howard at the halftime buzzer. Hell, even Erick Dampier ran out for a breakaway dunk in the third quarter. Complete and total collapse. Said Alvin Gentry: "I don't have any explanation. I really don't. Not in a million years would I have thought we'd come out and play that way in a game of that significance." Added Grant Hill: "I thought it was going to be a hard-fought game. I thought we'd fight and compete. Boy, was I wrong." Boy were you.

Sidenote: Jason Kidd, who had a season-high 20 assists, set Dallas team records for first-half assists (16) and assists in a regulation game, plus passed Magic Johnson for No. 3 on the career assists list.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats had a big, wet blanked thrown on their playoff hopes by...Will Bynum?! Oh, hell yes. Bynum scored a Detroit franchise-record 26 points in the fourth quarter, including the Pistons final 13. He finished with a career-high 32 points after going 6-for-6 from the field and 14-for-16 [!!] from the charity stripe in that final quarter. Memo to the Bobcats: If you want to make the NBA playoffs, you can't let Will Bynum set franchise records against you. Detroit is now three games up on Charlotte for the East's final playoff spot...with only five games remaining. Plus, this victory helped the Pistons win the regular season series 3-1, which gives them the tiebreaker. So, barring a major collapse, it'll be lottery ball for the 'Cats.

The Toronto Raptors: A day after the Raptors eliminated the Knicks from the playoffs in New York, the Knicks traveled to Toronto and returned the favor. New York, who came in as losers of 10 of their last 11, had an amazing 41-14 edge in bench points.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Spanked. At home. By the Indiana Pacers. But hey, "superstar" Kevin Durant scored a game-high 25 points! In completely unrelated news, this latest in winless weekends dropped the Thunder to 3-8 since KD returned from injury. Said OKC coach Scott Brooks: "That wasn't the competitive spirit I wanted to see out of our team tonight. We have to play better and harder and with more spirit." Dear Mr. Brooks: May I suggest to you this Wiki guide on "How To Get Psyched." Fair warning, though. You'll need overall superiority, a theme song, a trampoline, essential oils, a reel of your favorite movie clips and a mirror (optional).

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The press made some noise about how Minny was minus four of its top six scorers -- Al Jefferson (knee surgery), Randy Foye (hip), Craig Smith (calf) and Kevin Love (flu-like symptoms!) -- but that doesn't explain why Chauncey Billups got out on the break and dunked on them. It was Mr. Big Shot's first dunk of the season. Not surprisingly, the Wolves lost by 23 in a game that never even felt that close. Said Billups: "My kids were talking stuff to me because they didn't think I could dunk no more. I hope my little girl's watching this game right now because if not, she may not see it again." Huh. I bet Kevin McHale felt like clotheslining him. Important fact to consider: The Nuggets are 29-6 against sub-.500 teams...and 23-22 the rest of the time.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Okay, so they clinched a postseason appearance since 2003 when Dallas crushed Phoenix, and then they came out and got dropped by the Rockets...a loss that allowed Houston to leapfrog over Portland into fourth place in the Western Conference with five games left in the regular season. Uh, that's bad, though, right? Said Brandon Roy: "Nah. We're in the playoffs. We're happy about it." But, but, you might have cost yourself a shot at homecourt advantage. Maybe the Vanilla Godzilla can shed some light on this cavalier attitude: "Of course, we would have rather won, but we're still in the playoffs. For guys that have been here a while...through a lot of the downs, it's very gratifying for us to know we're going to get in the playoffs and hopefully get in there for a lot of years to come." Sounds like what these guys need is a good motivational poster. Otherwise, they might continue to just soar to normal heights.

The New Orleans Hornets: Okay, that's weird. I guess our planet got visited by the Bizarro Jazz this weekend: Utah lost at home to the Timberwolves and then beat the Hornets by 14 in New Orleans. And kids, it wasn't that close; the Jazz led by as many as 30 in the first half. It was Utah's first road victory against a winning team in the Western Conference this season. Oddly enough, the Jazz have beaten the Hornets by double digits in all three meetings this season. Said Byron Scott: "Maybe it's in our head as a team -- maybe we don't think we can beat them. That's my conclusion after tonight." FEEL THE PLAYOFF MOMENTUM. Bad news for the Big Easy: The win pulled Utah Utah (47-30) to within a half-game of New Orleans (47-29) for the sixth spot...and the Jazz own the tiebreaker. Although it might actually be best if the Hornets fell to seventh. Then they could avoid the Spurs in the first round.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Talk about feeling the playoff momentum. The Nets POUNDED the Sixers 96-67. The 67 points were a season low and and the 29-point loss was their worst defeat. Oh, and those 67 points also were the fewest allowed by the Nets this season. Fail, fail, and fail. Philly shot 35 percent from the field and only 9-for-23 (39 percent) from the appropriately named "foul line." And here's some bonus bawful from the AP recap: "Philadelphia should have known it was in trouble early. The Sixers have a tradition that players on the bench stand until the team scores. The reserves didn't get a chance to sit for almost five minutes, with Willie Green ending an 0-for-9 drought with a layup with 7:08 left in the quarter." Congratulations on your playoff berth, Sixers. I hope you enjoy being first-round fodder.

The Sacramento Kings: They got Kelenna Azubuike'd on Sunday night, as the undrafted swingman out of Kentucky scored a season-high 30 points to go along with his career-high 15 rebounds as the Golden State Warriors crowned the Kings in Sacramento. The loss dropped the Kings to a full game behind the Wizards Generals in the battle for "Worst Team In The League" dishonors. And I don't want to hear "Yeah, but Kevin Martin was out!" from Sacramento fans, considering that the Warriors had only seven healthy bodies and were forced to dress Andris Biedrins just to have the NBA-minimum eight players in uniform. Said Kings interim (and soon to be former) coach Kenny Natt: "We came out with no energy and no effort. ... Basically, we just goofed off in this game for three quarters, and then decided to play. By that time, they've already made their move and had the cushion. That's the story of our team right now." I don't think that the players can expect Kenny to gift them with delicious chocolates or whisper sweet lullabies in their ears any time soon.

The Los Angeles Lakers: They coughed up a 19-point fourth quarter lead and almost lost at "home" to the Clippers. Mind you, The Other L.A. Team was without The Clippers were without Marcus Camby (sprained left ankle), Chris Kaman (flu), Ricky Davis (sore left knee), and Mardy Collins (right foot plantar fascitis), and they're coached by Mike Dunleavy Sr. So, you know, David Stern should convert this "W" into, like, its equivalent of three or four losses. Sound fair? I think so.

Kobe Bryant: Thanks to Dunpizzle for this illuminating video:


Sunday lactivity report: Fight off that case of the Mondays with a strong cuppa lacktion, courtesy of Chris.

Spurs-Cavs: As the Crabs took their 37th home victory this season, Tarence Kinsey was called upon to celebrate this crustacean coronation with a 1.1 trillion!

Jazz-Hornets: Ronnie Price cashed in his Tengen collection with a 37 second Mario!

Sixers-Nets: One may be the loneliest number, but it had plenty of company in Sean Williams's sucky statline tonight: in 1:11, he had one turnover and one brick for a +2 suck differential, which in this case was as bad as one.

Warriors-Kings: Ike Diogu likes lacktion, as evidenced by a +3 in 2:42 via a pair of bricks and a rejection.

Clippers-Lakers: Adam Morrison struck it rich at the Staples Center with a 2.4 trillion, while fellow Laker DJ Mbenga punched out a 5:3 Voskuhl in a stint of 12:04 via three fouls and two giveaways against one field goal and board each.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

We showed you Chris Paul do it. We showed you Walter Herrmann TRYING to do it. Now watch with what I can only assume will be schoolgirl glee as Scottie Pippen inbounds the ball off the back of Danny Ainge and retrieves it for an easy dunk...in Game 3 of the 1993 NBA Finals! (Start watching at the 1:58 mark.) This is, without question, the single greatest moment of inbounding history.


Many thanks to Basketbawful reader kaze for tracking this one down.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Danny Ainge, fan submissions, great moments in inbounding history, NBA Finals, Phoenix Suns, Scottie Pippen, you've been served

Cleveland Cavalier's D: Just like you expected, The Crab's 13-game win streak came to an end against the Wizards Generals. On the season, Crab opponents average 90.9 PPG and 42.8% on FGs (1st and 2nd best in the league). But you would have never known that by watching them allow 109 points and 51% shooting.

Caron Butler was the Wizards General's leading scorer with 25 and, by no coincidence, LeBron and Delonte West had the two lowest plus-minuses on the night (-13 and -15). LeBron frequently left Butler open on help defense, and Delonte West made the mistake of being undersized and inattentive. For some reason, they also didn't have an answer for the drifter Darius Songaila, who dropped 17 points in 24 minutes.

ESPN said this was the biggest regular season upset since the 17-win Clippers ended the Lakers 15 game win streak back in 1988. Wait..the Showtime Lakers couldn't stop Michael Cage?!?

Mike James and Javaris Crittendon: Both missed Thursday's win over the Crabaliers. The result? Their rusty, injured replacement (that Gilbert Arenas guy) led the Wizards Generals to the biggest regular season upset in 20 years.

LeBron James, diss machine: When commenting on the boos laid on him Thursday, King Crustacean said, "I'm hated in all 30 cities. Uh, 29. They love me in Cleveland. They hate me everyplace else. Uh, I forgot about New York. They love me there, too." Never forget where you came from. Unless you wish you were from somewhere else.

Unintentional motivation: Jay Cutler's departure from the Broncos has energized the entire city, including the Nuggets. There were several "Jay who?" signs spotted in the crowd. As a result, the Jazz were on the receiving end of a JR Smith god-mode night against the Nuggets Thursday. JR had 21 points in 15 minutes in the first half, and finished 8 for 13 behind the stripe. And this was no fault of the Jazz D. JR Smith was draining threes in transition, off the dribble, off the floor, off the scoreboard, off the backboard, no rim.



Chris Andersen: Had a career-high 8 blocks against the Jazz, but he will forever have to live with the pain of being the the other Birdman, ie. the one that's not in the WWE Hall of Fame. Oh, it hurts. It must feel just like a piledriver. Chris...8 blocks is fine by some, but have you ever brought an Amazonian gold-breasted macaw to courtside with you? I think you know what to do.

The Utah Jazz frontcourt: In a completely unrelated story, Boozer, Okur and Kirilenko shot a combined 10 for 45 against the Nuggets, including Boozer having 6 of his shots blocked. Insert gratuitous "Paul Millsap was playing awesome until Boozer came back. Will Boozer be back next year?" comment here.

The NBA "Going Green": I have nothing against environmental awareness, but green jerseys for everyone? On the greenization of the Nuggets, George Karl said, "The only thing I don't like about that is they remind me of the Celtics." Just a shameless scheme to trick channel surfers into thinking the Celtics are on TV every day. I only say that because it totally worked on me at least twice yesterday.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Cheesed away a 13-point lead and lost to the Sixers by 10. These things tend to happen when you score 36 points in the second half and get outrebounded by 16.

Reggie Evans, unintentionally dirty quote machine: When commenting on a limp first half against the Bucks, "The second half was almost like a wake-up call, 'Let's tighten up a little bit. Let's focus in even more and get into it.' We slowly grinded it out." It becomes much more worster when you remember that Reggie Evans is the guy that did this.

Pittsburgh Pirates, epic fail: Their preseason squad lost a game to Manatee Community College. The folks at bwe.tv summed it up better than I could ever hope to: "Granted, the Pirates started a split-squad assortment of minor leaguers, but they’re still professional baseball players and they not only lost to a college, and not only lost to a community college, they lost to a community college that shares its name with a docile sea cow." Season tickets are still available.

Lacktion report: We now return to Chris and his regularly scheduled lacktion report:

Bucks-Sixers: Keith Bogans hunted down lacktion successfully with a +2 suck differential in 3:11 via giveaway and foul.

For the home team, Theo Ratliff's contract got nearer to expiration with a 5:3 Voskuhl (three fouls and two turnovers against a field goal and a rebound) in 8:24.

Cavs-Wizards: In bizarro night at the Phone Booth, the Crabs were boiled by the Washington Generals. So it was no surprise that JJ Hickson and Tarence Kinsey rested their pincers in favor of Sasha Pavlovic, who nefariously crawled his way to a +2 via fouls in 4:13.

Jazz-Nuggets: Matt Harpring plucked a turnover and a foul each en route to a +2 in 5:08.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Paid the $165 million in AIG bonuses out of his own checkbook, just to see the employees lambasted and threatened by the rest of the country. Then the checks bounced.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, daily Kobe, Gilbert Arenas, JR Smith, Reggie Evans, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Justin T sent in today's pic and noted: "The Nets aren't going to make the playoffs. Devin Harris thought they were a shoe-in. But you can't blame a man with an arm-dick." If only I had the luxury of being speechless...

The Orlando Magic: Hmm. Seems like the Magicians might be slipping into late-season "Coast Mode." At least, I hope that's the case, because it would explain their half-hearted effort in last night's 99-95 home loss to the Craptors: 40 percent shooting, outrebounded 49-35 and 15 missed free throws (11 by Dwight Howard). Said Stan Van Gundy: "You try to talk about it and warn, but we've gotten away with this kind of play in just playing the fourth quarter too many times and our guys keep thinking they can bail out the game that way and then they didn't. It's disappointing because we didn't bring a full enough effort and focus." The loss combined with Boston's double-overtime win over the Bobcats put the Magic a game behind the Celtics in the race for the East's second seed.

Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon, delusions of grandeur machines: The Craptors are 29-45 and six games out of the eighth and final Eastern Conference playoff spot...with only eight games remaining. But Chris and Jose have NOT given up. Said Bosh: "It's not over. It's not over yet. We're going to keep playing, see what happens. We still have a chance." Added Calderon: "We're in a great situation. We're just playing. We've got five (wins) in a row now and we've got to keep working until the last day." Regarding that "great situation" Jose is talking about: John Hollinger's playoff odds give them a zero percent chance of making the postseason. But don't let that get you down, guys. Follow Your Dreams. You can Reach your Goals. I'm Living Proof. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!

The Detroit Pistons: No 'Sheed, who was suspended for picking his 16th tech of the season the night before. The sucking cancer that is Allen Iverson shot 1-for-8 in 17 minutes off the bench. Kwame Brown started at center and finished with more fouls/turnovers (4/2) than points/rebounds/assists (0/3/0) in 17 minutes of lacktion. Every single one of their starters had a negative plus-minus score, "led" by Antonio McDyess (-21). The end result was a 111-98 loss in New Jersey, where the Nets were only 15-22 coming into the game. I would point out that New Jersey has won only seven times in its last 24 games, but the Pistons have lost eight of 11 and are now only half a game up on the Bulls for the playoff spot numero siete...and only two games up on the Bobcats.

Said Rip Hamilton: "It's very surprising. Tonight was a game that we had to get. It was a big game and we lost. Especially when we're playing for our dear lives. It's totally different from what we're used to here. Our record is not good and we're not playing well. I can't compare this to anything else. We just have to find a way to win and it's just not happening. We have to come out and win games." Don't worry, Rip. This is all part of Joe Dumars' plan. YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE. (Suckers.)

Allen Iverson, unintentionally ironic quote machine: The Not Answer -- who, as I mentioned, shot 1-for-8 last night -- said: "Time is running out and it's not getting better. Other teams are elevating their games at the right time and we're not. I'm definitely surprised by that." And yet, strangely, no one else is at this point. Especially now that you're back, Allen.

Update! I missed this one, but Wild Yams caught me up: A.I. said that he would rather walk away from the sport than come off the bench: "I'm in a position now that I've never been in my whole life. It's harder than I thought it would be. With the back injury, I have to sit out at the start, then go in, then sit again. It's tough to really get going. I take my hat off to the guys who can come off the bench and be effective. It's tough for me. I'm struggling with it. I'd rather retire before I do this again. I can't be effective playing this way. I'm not used to it. It's tough for me both mentally and physically." Allen Iverson: Putting the "MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" in "Team."

The Boston Celtics: Okay, what the hell's up with the Charlotte Bobcats?! Were they exposed to Gamma Rays and nobody told us about it? A night after beating the Lakers -- whom they apparently OWN by the way -- the 'Cats pushed the Celtics to double-overtime in Boston before finally succumbing to a 111-109 defeat. Crazy. And the C's pulled this one out only because Ray Allen nailed a wide open (see below) three-pointer with 2.1 seconds left in the second overtime. (Plus he drilled another triple to tie it up at the end of the first overtime.) It's crazy, because Boston outshot Charlotte 53 percent to 46 and enjoyed a 26-7 edge in free throw attempts (more on that below). But the Bobcats countered by pounding them on the offensive glass (20-11). Seriously, the Celtics probably deserved to lose this one, and they might have if not for...

Gerald Wallace: Remember when I said "see below" after noting that Ray-Ray's game-winning three was wide open? Guess who left him:


When will NBA players learn that when you're up by two, don't leave your man open for a last-second triple...especially when that man is one of the league's all-time greats from behind the arc?! Oh, Gerald, why? Said Allen: "I really didn't expect (Gerald) Wallace to leave me." No kidding. To make things even worse: Charlotte had a foul to give and didn't take it. Said Larry Brown: "We didn't handle it. We had a foul to give. We're going to smother everything -- no threes and we give up a three."

Home cookin': From the AP game notes: "The Bobcats made a franchise-low five free throws and tied a franchise low with seven attempts." In TWO overtimes? Hmmmm. I smell fish. So did Larry Brown (via Junior): "I think we may have set a record with the fewest free throws in a double-overtime game. You don't get to the free throw line and you shoot 102 shots (from the field). There is something wrong." Did Gerald Wallace feel his team got jobbed? "I think so. Especially when you're playing a team as physical as the Celtics. A double-OT game and you only take seven free throws? There's got to be something." Yeah, that "something" is Red Auerbach's ghost doing its job.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Much has been made about L.A.'s "grueling" seven-game road trip, but less has made about the fact that six of their seven opponents on the journey are below .500. Shouldn't that be a walk in the park for a presumptive NBA Finalist? They won, sure but they let the Bucks shoot almost 57 percent in the first half and Milwaukee led by a point going into the fourth quarter before the Lakers woke up a little. And even then they had to fend off a mini-rally at the end. Kobe Bryant -- who went 7-for-7 in the first half and 3-for-12 in the second -- said: "It was tough. The first three and a half quarters, something like that, it seemed like we were kind of stuck in the mud a little bit. We were able to hang in there with them and got something going." They've actually been stuck in the mud for like three and a half games...but you know, they did go 5-2 on the trip, so I'm sure everything's fine.

The Washington Wizards Generals: The Wizards Generals were down 110-107 with a little less than four ticks left on the clock, but they had possession of the ball and therefore one last chance to tie the game. Or so it seemed until Mike Conley stole Javaris Crittenton’s inbounds pass, got fouled and then knocked down two foul shots that sealed the deal. That bumble spoiled Washington's comeback from an 88-73 deficit. Said interim coach Ed Tapscott: "When we were good, we were good. When we were bad, we were bad. We were digging out of a 15-point hole coming out of the third quarter. Just a few miscues turned it around. We need to value the ball and make sure we get quality possessions. Too many times tonight we didn't, and that's why we lost the game."

Gilbert Arenas: From the AP recap: "The Wizards were without guard Gilbert Arenas, who continues to play in selected games resting his surgically repaired knee." I must now once again remind you of what Gil had to say back when he had his before-the-season knee surgery: "Why's everybody tripping out? Big picture, if I start rehabbing now and get through the pain that prevented me from running or jumping this summer, I'll be back on the court sooner. How's that a bad thing? I wasn't going to play in training camp or preseason anyway, so I don't know why it's such a big deal. They cleaned the knee out. I can't walk on it for three days. Monday I can start rehabbing. I knew this was going to happen. Dwyane Wade will probably have a debris clean-out next summer. People are making it much worse than it is." And the money shot: At 17-59, the Wizards Generals are now only a half-game up on Sacramento for the worst record in the league.

Mario Chalmers: With the Heat down by only one point in the closing seconds, Chalmers went all "Super Mario," choosing not to call timeout or give the ball to teammate and MVP candidate Dwyane Wade and instead sprinted down court and ran over Josh Howard with 2.3 seconds left. Offensive foul. Game over. Said Wade: "There was a lot of miscommunication going on. It was in between calling timeout, but we also had numbers. Some people wanted to call timeout, some others thought we had numbers, and they called an offensive foul. Tough call at that time. It went fast. If we could do it over it'd be different." Way to dance around blasting the rookie, Dwyane.

The Associated Press: Thanks to the many of you who commented or emailed about this fubar from the Heat-Mavs recap: "Miami began to pull away in the third quarter as Dallas went more than 6 months without a field goal. Even after Nowitzki ended the drought, the Heat still kept stretching the lead, getting up 62-51." Wow. That's quite the drought.

The Phoenix Suns: They shot 54 percent from the field and 50 from beyond the arc, they won the rebounding battle and -- despite missing 15 of their 35 free throw attempts -- they held on for a 114-109 home victory over the Rockets to keep their fading playoff hopes alive. Yeah. Right. The Suns are still four games behind Dallas with just seven to play. Said Jason Richardson: "We're not eliminated yet. We're going to continue to play and we still believe we have a chance." Whatever. You should have had that attitude a few nights ago when you lost to the Kings.

Alvin Gentry, motivational gimmick machine: The Suns' coach called last night's win over Houston Game 1 of an eight-game season. I kid you not. "We're 1-0 in our season. We're trying to become the first team to go undefeated in the season. Whatever Dallas does is what Dallas does. It doesn't matter to us." You've got to be kidding me. Is he going to arrange a special "Loser's Only Playoff Bracket" after his team's final, mathematical elimination?

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Hornets were without Tyson Chandler, Peja Stojakovic and James Posey, and David West was hobbling around on a sore left ankle. That's minus two starters, a sixth man, and an injured All-Star...but they still shot 53 percent from the field and won the game. The joke that is the Clippers continues. They are the Deadly Towers of NBA teams.

Kings-Warriors: While no doubt jotting down notes for his nightly lacktion report, Chris took a few minutes to document some of last night's 143-141 defenseless classic:

Grant Napear and Jerry Reynolds are covering the last seconds of an efensive battle at the Oracle between the Kings and Warriors, two teams who are firmly in the potato suck race for draft picks.

One missed free throw by Monta Ellis and the Kings now have a slim chance to tie it up, with the Warriors ahead 132-130. "Now Nellie's team is going to have to play honest defense," says one of the Kings' commentators.

But...well...the tying layup by Beno Udrih is best exemplified in these booth reactions that are best served with a face palm: "Nellie's team just let him walk right through the paint!" Yep, the home jerseys just all stood in the key watching Udrih run in for the easiest basket of his life.

"That is just PATHETIC defense by the Golden State Warriors! You gotta be kidding me! Allowing an uncontested layup with a 2 point lead with 2.9 seconds remaining? Nellie must be beside himself! Can you believe how bad this defense was? Come on now!"

To which I would say...how could Nellie be beside himself? Isn't his goal to prove that defense ISN'T required in the Association? Hard to accomplish that goal with a constantly injured roster and a lack of talent...

Oh, and just before that, Nellie had Crawford foul Kevin Martin (and send Martin to the line successfully) with a full 10 seconds remaining on the clock, while leading AND with the Kings lacking in timeouts. Gee, I wonder if that gave enough time for Udrih's heroics.

We're in OT now and K-Mart has just accrued a 50-point blue light special. Only the fifth 50-point game in Kings history since they first took that moniker in Kansas City. Nocioni just fouled out with 42 seconds left in overtime after being bowled over hard by Monta Ellis in the Kings' halfcourt. Huh?

And the Kings got a huge steal away from Monta Ellis...only to blow a 3-on-2 fastbreak with several bricks before Jason Thompson took a foul! "We're not going to take this game and make a defensive video out of it" as Napear admits the extreme entertainment value of this comedy of errors.

Udrih misses on the very last drive as the Warriors surprisingly forgot how to play efense for one possession, thus sealing the game 143-141. As fun as that was to watch, it's exceedingly obvious why the only NorCal championship in the Association occurred in an era of 8-tracks, Tower of Power, and Howard Cosell.

This was the kind of game that drives coaches crazy, and it apparently made the players a little nutty too. Jamal Crawford said it was "like Game 7 of the playoffs" (not that "Mr. Zero Career Playoff Games" would know) and Monta Ellis added: "We played great basketball, and that's why we won the game." I hope Monta never looks up "great" in the dictionary. It woud break his motor-scooting heart.

Box score madness: Okay, let me start off by saying that I sometimes get duplicate emails/comments about this or that, but I have never gotten as many duplicate submissions as I did last night over this bizarre Grant Hill box score snafu. Seriously, the first two and a half pages of my email inbox contained nothing but links and screen shots...and there were more after that. So, seriously, thanks to everybody who wrote in, because this is a doozy.

Okay. What happened? It seems that some genius behind compiling online box scores put Grant Hill -- who, as you probably know, plays for the Suns -- on Golden State's half of the Kings-Warriors box score. As a DNP-CD. For "Old Age / Lack of Talent." No, I'm not kidding.


That's a screen capture of the official NBA.com box score, which has been fixed. But prior to the change, I can confirm that clicking on "G.Hill" did take you to Yahoo! box -- which hasn't been fixed -- shows that Grant scored 23 points on 10-for-13 shooting in 39 minutes off the Golden State bench...while he was doing the exact same thing as a starter for Phoenix. Amazing.


Lacktion report: Chris continues to document the doings of the lacktion faction:

Raptors-Magic: Jake Voskuhl earned the Madsen-level version of his namesake stat, a 3:2 Voskuhl (fouls against rebounds), while also throwing two bricks and taking a rejection in the midst. Pops Mensah-Bonsu meanwhile fathered a +5 suck differential in 5:43 via two bricks, two fouls, and a block against -- one of the few folks this year who has scored lacktion for multiple teams! (Mensah-Bonsu also racked up a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl out of all of that lacktivity.)

Pistons-Nets: When you're fighting for a playoff spot, the last thing you need is a starting center who provides non-contributions. But when Kwame Brown is your starting center for a full 16:44 after Yet Another Unnecessary Sheed Suspension After Getting T'd Up, the following must be the inevitable result: a Voskuhl of 6:3 after fouling four times, giving up the rock twice, and bricking twice against three rebounds. Did I also mention that Mr. #1 Overall himself also took a rejection?

Somewhere, Sam Bowie is thanking his lucky stars that Brown has officially become the biggest draft-lottery bust in history, allowing the former to live the rest of his life without the "worst pick evar" label he had been burdened with for so long.

Bobcats-Celtics: Cartier Martin has discovered that the best way for a bench player to game some renown is to search for lost treasure, and a 4.95 trillion no doubt could buy him a few Air Jordans. He wasn't the only rich man on the night -- in an double-overtime game no less! -- as Bill Walker became a human tribute to Red Auerbach with a tightly rolled 2.65 trillion.

Wizards-Grizzlies: Javale McGee's blocked shot and two rebounds in 2:58 wasn't enough to overcome 3 fouls for the Madsen-level 3:2 Voskuhl; also not being a hero tonight was Brendan Haywood, whose 24:04 run off the bench earned him a slight Voskuhl of 5:4 (three fouls and two giveaways with five bricks against one field goal and two boards) despite a steal and three blocks.

Rockets-Suns: Chuck Hayes dialed into the expensive world of slow DOS-based online services at the rate of 2.5 trillion a night.

Meanwhile, solar power is alive and well for at least one game, with three different lacktators to confirm victory. Stromile Swift rapidly stacked his 4:46 stint with two bricks, one foul, and a giveaway for a +4, and Alando Tucker had a +1 via brick in 2:44. More importantly, Robin Lopez grew a fire flower in a one-foul 45 second Mario, which also earned him a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! (This may be one of the few times so far that one has scored both a Mario and a Voskuhl in the same stint. Amazing.)

New York Yankees fans: This is a day late but totally worth including. Thanks to Basketbawful reader bizarro for the head's up...not that we needed more evidence that Yankees fans are douchebags. Except for those who read this site, of course.


Wild Yams, however, questions the veracity of this incident: "I dunno, it kinda looks staged to me. The only thing that makes me think it wasn't staged is that supposedly the mascot gets all upset (though it's hard to see if that's the case on the video). Lots of times they'll have staged stuff go on in the stands with the mascot and 'fans of the opposing team' (who are actually plants)." Yeah, and if you watch closely, you'll notice that Rocky lowers his head right before the guy dumps his beer...

Kile Wygle: He's the guy being referred to in this totally awesome headline: "Ohio man charged with drunken driving on bar stool." No, I'm not kidding.

I thought the Segway was the future of idiot non-car travel...
The full story: "Authorities in Ohio say a man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing his motorized bar stool. Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower. Twenty-eight-year Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph. Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial."

The strangest part of this story is that, although the motorized bar stool in question was of the homemade variety, there is, in fact, a market for these things. And no, I'm still not kidding.

Labels: Orlando Magic, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

The Chicago Bulls: Gone are the days when games in the last month of the season between two teams who are a number of games under .500 are meaningless. No, in today's NBA, a matchup between the 32-42 Indiana Pacers and the 36-39 Chicago Bulls had playoff implications for both teams. That's right, despite being 10 games below the .500 mark, the Pacers are still clinging to their playoff dreams, albeit by their fingernails. The Bulls, on the other hand were looking to not only hold onto that 8th seed, but were looking to gain some ground on the 7th seed with a Detroit loss (more on that below). But it was not to be, as Chicago surrendered a 7-point lead with 3:35 remaining, allowing the Pacers to finish the game on an 11-2 run. I'm guessing Chicago could have used John Salmons for this one, but instead he sat out with an injury to one of his groins (thankfully he's still got the other one). This loss meant that if Charlotte could beat the Lakers, they'd be tied in the loss column with Chicago for that final playoff spot (Indiana's still three games back in that column, so they're not technically out of it. Yet.) Speaking of clinging to one of the lower playoff seeds...

The Detroit Pistons: The good news for Detroit is that they are finally healthy. The bad news is they were playing in Cleveland where the Crabs were 35-1. Detroit actually played pretty well in this one, considering Cleveland's home dominance this year, and Detroit's overall suckitude all season long; but in the end the wheels came off of the Motor City's team, and as a result they crashed into a telephone pole. Detroit led for virtually all of the first half, before letting the Crabs tie it right at the end, then it was back and forth, with Detroit actually holding a 2-point lead with five minutes to go. Unfortunately for the Pistons they only scored 4 more points in the last 5 minutes, and that was all she wrote.

Rasheed Wallace: After sitting out the last 11 games with an injured left calf, Sheed celebrated his return to action in typical Sheed fashion: by picking up a technical. Since this happened to be his 16th T on the season, Sheed will have to miss the next game due to the automatic suspension that comes with it. Maybe that'll leave an extra starting slot open for one of his teammates though...

Allen Iverson, whining machine: After being out for 16 games with an injury, this was the Not Answer's second game back, and second time coming off the bench, this time with 18 minutes of playing time. And he was not happy about it: "How many minutes did I play? It seemed way, way, way less than that. Eighteen minutes? Come on, man. I can play 18 minutes with my eyes closed, with a 100-pound truck on my back. It's a bad feeling, man. I'm wondering what they rushed me to get back for? For that? It's a bad time for me mentally. I am just trying to get through it without starting a whole bunch of nonsense. I'm looking at the big picture. If I vent my frustration then it's like, given who I am, I'll be the one everybody points the finger at. I am just going to try to laugh to stop from crying." He doesn't know what the rush was to get him back? Uh, how about making the playoffs? Nevertheless, when your team is fighting for its season like this, now is not the time to be making veiled threats about venting your frustrations. If he keeps this up, Stephon Marbury's gonna call him and tell him to stop stealing his schtick.

The Atlanta Hawks: Fresh off their win over the Lakers at home on Sunday, Atlanta set out on the road to prove they can be good away from the Philips Arena in Atlanta. That's good in theory, but in reality these Hawks are just as bad on the road as they were last year in the playoffs when Boston mopped the floor with them in the four road games Atlanta played. The Hawks started off bad, falling behind by as many as 16 in the first half, and trailed the whole game except for a brief lead when the score was 6-4. The Hawks made a valiant push to get to within one point in the fourth quarter, but clearly the effort to get back in the game took too much out of them as they then let the Sixers go on a 14-2 run to put the game out of reach. Josh Smith and Flip Murray were the only Dirty Birds who came to play, scoring 52 of the team's 85 points. The rest of the team was pure garbage, especially...

Mike Bibby: Maybe Bibby was all annoyed he couldn't be there in Sacramento last night along with Peja Stojakovic, Chris Webber, Doug Christie and Scott Pollard to celebrate the retiring of Vlade Divac's number; but whatever the case was, Bibby didn't bring his game with him to this one: 7 points on 9 shots with 0 assists and 1 turnover in 32 minutes is rather poor for your team's starting point guard. You know, I'll bet Atlanta wishes they'd just shipped him off to Sacramento for that ceremony after all.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The following sentence is not a misprint: the Bobcats have now won six of seven against the Lakers. It's really becoming almost predictable at this point, L.A. just cannot beat the pesky Bobcats. The Lakers picked up where they left off on Sunday in their loss to the Hawks, shooting only 39 percent from the field en route to only 84 points. At least they got Pau Gasol more than 10 shots in this game though. At this point, L.A. can pretty much kiss home court advantage against Cleveland in The Finals goodbye (assuming both teams make it there, of course), as the Lakers are now three full games in back of the Crabs with only eight remaining. Phil Jackson has already said he doesn't think the Lakers need HCA against Cleveland to win this year, so it could be he's already setting the team on cruise control for the rest of the regular season, what with having already secured the West's #1 seed, not to mention a three-game lead and the tiebreaker over Boston. Nonetheless, L.A's not gonna win anything with #24 playing like this...

Kobe Bryant: Fortunately for me, I don't have to be creative and come up with a reason for his appearance on today's Worst Of, as he took care of that himself: 11-28 for 25 points with only 2 assists and 2 rebounds continues one of the longest shooting slumps the Mamba has ever had in his 13-year career. In the last eight games, Kobe has only shot over 50% from the field once (going 10-18 against Detroit last week), and has shot only 37% from the field overall in that octet. In the last two months, the Lakers have lost seven times, and in five of those games Kobe has taken at least 28 shots, so maybe Kobe should think about, I dunno, sharing the ball some? Just a suggestion.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Pups raced out to a 4-2 lead, and unfortunately for them that was the high point in the game for them as they never led again. Dallas jumped all over them, leading by as many as 17 in the first quarter, and the Mavs never looked back. This game was a combination of bad offense and worse defense for the Timberwolves, as they only shot 39% from the field while allowing Dallas to shoot 55% on the other end. Even a little home cookin' for Minnesota couldn't help in this one, as the 10 extra made free throws only helped them lose by 20 instead of 30. However, even though the Mavs won an easy one, they're not above reproach...

Eric Dampier: Putting up a Dampier-esque stat line of 4 points, 5 boards and 3 fouls in 24 minutes of play is bad enough; but when you add in that he let Kevin Love go off for 23 points and 12 boards at the same time, it definitely deserves a mention here. Well done, Eric. I'm sure Mark Cuban appreciates the effort he's getting for the $9.5m he's paying you this year (not to mention the $23m Dampier is due in the coming two seasons).

The San Antonio Spurs: I know the #1 seed in the West is already out of reach, but surely San Antonio knows they're in competition for the #2 seed, right? Just because they've already locked up a playoff spot doesn't mean they should be taking any games off, not when they're only two games ahead of Utah for the #7 seed. With all that in mind, there's just no excuse for losing at home to the Thunder, especially in a game in which every Spur was healthy. Gregg Popovich decided not to play Bruce Bowen in this one, and ended up giving Manu Ginibili the start, and those might have been poor decisions. With Bowen on the bench all night, Kevin Durant went wild, going 12-19 for 31 points. Meanwhile, San Antonio's bench lacked any real scoring punch, with Roger Mason being the only bench player in double figures with 10 points on 3-for-10 shooting.

Michael Finley: What is Michael Finely doing taking the most shots for the Spurs? Ginobili had 13 shots, Duncan had 12 and Tony Parker only had 8, but there was Michael Finley going 5-for-16 (including 10 three pointers).

The Utah Jazz: Of the teams in the West with a shot of making the playoffs, Utah has the worst road record of any of them at 14-22, and last night they showed us why in getting blown out in Portland. With only one road win this season over a team with a winning record, Utah is looking more and more like they might be out in the first round since they are currently the 7th seeded team, and five of their remaining 8 games are on the road against teams with winning records (Denver, NO, Dallas, San Antonio & the Lakers). Sure they'll probably be a tough out, what with having one of the league's best home records, but if you open the playoffs on the road and have proven you can't ever win away from home, well you're just asking for some late April fishing plans.

The New York Knicks: Their race to the bottom continues! The Knicks have now lost nine of their last 10, making the recent dreams of a playoff appearance seem like a distant memory at this point. The Knicks led in this one 8-7, but soon surrendered the lead for good, falling behind by as many as 27 in the 2nd quarter. The Knicks valiantly tried to make a game of it, and climbed back to within a few points in the 3rd quarter and hung around there for a bit before letting the Nuggets push the lead back to double digits where it stayed for most of the rest of the game. With the win, Denver clinched a playoff spot in the West, and the Knicks maybe added a few more ping pong balls to the lottery draft.

Mike 'Antoni: It's no wonder the Knicks couldn't get over the hump after coming back from 27 down to cut it to 4 with about 20 minutes to go in the game. Not only were the Knicks playing in the thin air of Denver, but Short Bench Mike utilized the strategy which worked so "well" for him in Phoenix and played only seven players. I'm willing to bet an extra sub here or there would have let the starters catch their breath a little. Who'd have thought the Knicks would miss Larry Hughes and Eddy Curry so much?

The New Orleans Hornets: I know, I know, they won the game, but when you're a team that supposedly had title hopes at the beginning of the year and you're fighting for playoff seeding, you shouldn't need a last second three to beat the league's worst team. To be fair, the Hornets were missing Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler and James Posey, but the Kings were missing... well, a good team. With the win New Orleans stayed one game ahead of the Jazz in the loss column for the 6th seed in the West.

Andres Nocioni: Check out his "clutch" moments in the last 90 seconds of this game:

1:27 remaining, tie game: Nocioni fouls David West on a made basket, setting up an And-1.

0:37 remaining, tie game: Nocioni gets the ball stripped and stolen by Chris Paul.

0:27 remaining, tie game: Nocioni, after getting stripped and not running downcourt after Paul, is all alone under the basket when Paul's shot gets blocked at the other end of the floor; but Nocioni fumbles the pass right to him, giving the defender time to get back and prevent him from hitting the go ahead basket.

I know Bulls fans must be really sorry they don't have Nocioni to cheer for anymore.

Laction report: No day is complete without Chris's recap of the previous day's laction:

Hawks-Sixers: Othello Hunter jealously guards his wealth, and his watchfulness was rewarded with a 1.25 trillion paycheck.

Pistons-Cavs: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson lived up to his nickname again with a 2.3 trillion take from the crustaceans' undersea treasure chest.

Bobcats-Lakers: Cartier Martin is no question mark for lacktivity, as a 32-second Mario proves.

Mavs-Wolves: Gerald Green got the go-ahead to lack it up as Mark Cuban's human victory cigar of the night, littering his 4:32 stint with a brick, giveaway, and foul for a +3 suck differential.

Kevin McHale however managed to win the battle of non-contribution tonight by having Mark Madsen earn a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 5:16 via fouls (also worth a +2), as well as counting out a 1.4 trillion fortune from Jason Collins.

Jazz-Blazers: Shavlik Randolph was noticeably unproductive in 2:39, taking a foul and giving up the rock for +2.

Update! Ron Artest: Ron-Ron attended a Britney Spears concert. No, I am NOT kidding. (Via FanIQ.)

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, guest author, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, Rasheed Wallace, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night