You thought Sunday night's All-Star game was the end of the All-Star festivities, didn't you? You were wrong. Oh, so bawfully wrong. What better way to celebrate President's Day than to hold the second annual Null-Star Game? (Hint: pretty much any other way is a better way to celebrate, but here we are.)

The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23 ass-whuppin' victory in last year's game. The game was simulated in NBA 2K11 with five-minute quarters because referees threatened to walk out when we told them there'd be full-length quarters. Also, the only way we could lure fans was to offer a Ten Cent Beer Night, so we couldn't play too long, lest we see another riot. (Heaven help the poor bastard who hits Brian Scalabrine in the face with a beer. His championship ring will leave a mighty dent in your forehead.)

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:

Eastern Conference Null-Stars:

Starters:
Von Wafer, Celtics: 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 7 appearances with trillions for a combined total of 20.45 trillion, averaging 2.9 trillion per lacktive game. 5 suck differential games, for a total of +10.
Quinton Ross, Nyets: 3 Marios, averaging 24 seconds per Mario appearance. 4 suck differential games for a total of +11.
Jason Kapono, Sixers: 7 Marios, averaging 19.4 seconds per Mario apperance, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies.
Brian Scalabrine, Bulls: He's the Null-Star equivalent of Tim Duncan in this year's All-Star game, getting essentially the "lifetime achievement" spot. Yes, a lifetime achievement of towel-waving and contributing only on the rarest of occasions.
Joel Anthony, Heat: Total suck differential of +11, averaging +3.7 per lacktive appearance. 15 Voskuhls. Two triple zeros in one month.

Reserves:
Stephen Graham, Nyets: 4 suck differential games, +13 total, averaging +3.25.
Trevor Booker, Generals: 4 Marios, averaging 17 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. Combined trillion efforts of 7.5 trillion, averaging 3.75 trillion per lacktive game.
Johan Petro, Nyets: 14 Voskuhls
Sherron Collins, Bobcraps: 3 Marios, averaging 10.7 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 4 suck differential games.
Semih Erden, Celtics: +12 total suck differential, averaging +6 per lacktive game.
Hilton Armstrong, Generals: 3 Marios, 11 Voskuhls.
Ryan Hollins, Cadavers: 9 Voskuhls.

Western Conference Null-Stars:

Starters:
Ronnie Price, Jazz: A combined effort of 10.2 trillion in just two lacktive efforts, averaging a mighty 5.1 trillion per game. 5 suck differential games for a total of +10.
Quincy Pondexter, Hornets: 3 games with trillions, for a total of 7 trillion, averaging 2.33 trillion per game. 4 appearances with suck differentials.
Luke Babbitt, Blazers: 6 appearances with suck differentials, and one of the few Blazers with working legs.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, Kings: 5 Marios. A total +10 suck differential, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game.
Hasheem Thabeet, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, and 12 Voskuhls.

Reserves:
Willie Warren, Clippers: 10 total trillion in just two lacktive appearances, averaging a staggering 5 trillion per appearance.
Dan Gadzuric, Warriors: A total suck differential of +10, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game. 10 Voskuhls.
Jarron Collins, Clippers: 5 games with trillions, combining for 12.1 total trillion, averaging 2.42 trillion per lacktive game.
Steve Novak, Spurs: 3 Marios. 3 games with trillion box score lines. Most Bawful Player from the 2010 Null-Star game.
Kyrylo Fesenko, Jazz: 5 suck differential games, with a league-leading 16 Voskuhls.
Sam Young, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, for a combined +14.
Brian Cardinal, Mavericks: Averaging 2.43 trillion per lacktive appearance, plus 5 games with suck differentials.

And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. I didn't believe it was possible, but I'm fairly certain this game was even more bawful than last year's game. Prepare yourself for blown dunks, an over-and-back violation, and the worst shooting in the history of organized basketball.

1st Quarter:

2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:

3rd Quarter:

4th Quarter and Game Recap:


Box score:

Shooting Zones:

Lacktion report:
For the East, Ryan Hollins racked up one personal foul in four minutes for a +1. For the West, Sam Young had 5 missed shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover for a stunning +7 while Kyrylo Fesenko cashed in for 2 trillion.

Most Bawful Player:
While Sam Young did rack up a mighty lot of failure in his 9 minutes on the court, I have to give the nod to Luke Babbitt. Though he did add 6 points, 2 boards, and a steal, he also went 1-13 from the field and absolutely destroyed his team's offensive flow on nearly every possession, shooting bad jumper after bad jumper early in the shot clock. His game-worst -27 further proves his status as the Most Bawful Player.

Noteworthy:
Von Wafer nearly destroyed the civilized world with a dunk that approached Chaos Dunk territory. It decapitated everyone within several yards of the basket, as captured in this striking image:

And boom goes the dynamite.

Labels: 2011 Null-Star Game, All-Star Game, lacktion, Null Star

This man barely beat out The Cancer for Basketbawful'shighly coveted "Worst NBA All-Star Ever" award.
NBA All-Star voters: It's official: Allen Iverson is a starter on the 2010 NBA Eastern Conference All-Star Team. You, the fans, wanted it...and now you're gonna get it. I just need to know one thing real quick:

Why in the name of Spiderman's balls did you want it?

When I found out Iverson had been voted in, the first thing I thought was he may be the worst NBA All-Star, well, pretty much ever. Worse than B.J. Armstrong, Chris Gatling, Dale Davis, Jamal Magloire...I had to do some serious digging to find somebody I honestly think was less deserving of an All-Star nod than this season's version of The Cancer. I found one. One guy. His name was James Donaldson. He was a backup center (behind Hakeem Olajuwon and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) on the West team during the 1988 All-Star Game.

Don't feel bad if you've never heard of Donaldson. I was obsessed with the NBA in the 80s, and I had no idea who he was. During his sole All-Star season, J.D. averaged 7.0 PPG, 9.3 RPG and 1.3 BPG with a Player Efficiency Rating of 12.4. According to John Hollinger's reference guide, that PER puts Donaldson somewhere between "scrounging for minutes" and "in the rotation." By the way, in 1988, teams averaged over 108 PPG, which makes his meager 7 PPG average seem even more depressing.

Mind you, the coaches selected Donaldson. At least Iverson has the excuse of being voted in by the fans. Fans are stupid. Coaches are supposed to know the game. (Eddie Jordan, Mike Brown and Vinny Del Negro notwithstanding.) The only thing I can figure is that Donaldson's little girl had terminal cancer and her dying wish was for her daddy to make the All-Star team. And that's all imma say.

On the bright side, the David Stern did some last-minute ballet stuffing to make sure Steve Nash, and not Knee-Mac, got the second starting guard spot on the Western Conference team.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakers are the reigning NBA champs. Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Let's just say I can totally understand what Superman felt like when stopping a volcano sent him to a parallel universe full of evil Super Friends:


On Christmas day, the Lakers were humiliated on national TV by the Cleveland Craboliers. It was a particularly humiliating defeat, not only because they were blown out at home, but because L.A. was outplayed and thoroughly outmuscled by what may be the only team capable of dethroning them in June. The regular season provides relatively few true single-game measuring sticks of a team's ability to contend for a title, but that was one of them for the Lakers.

Fortunately for them, they still had the opportunity for a rematch in Cleveland. Unfortunately for them, they lost that one too. The Lakers wasted a golden opportunity, too, because Mo Williams -- Cleveland's starting point guard and second-leading scorer -- missed the game with a shoulder sprain. (Williams will be out for at least a month.) L.A. started out hot, owning the boards and the paint, and taking a 27-18 lead after the first quarter. But after that, the Crabs got physical and slowly pounded the Lakers into submission.

Remember, this is the same Lakers team that got beaten down by a more physical Celtics team in the 2008 NBA Finals. Last season, they weren't forced to face an elite physical team in the playoffs. If they face the Crabs in the Finals, it could be a problem. Especially if Cleveland wins homecourt advantage, which will be easier now that they've swept the season series with L.A.

After the game, Kobe Bryant questioned his team's toughness: "The mentality has to change a little bit playing against [Eastern Conference teams]. These teams are physical, tough-minded, hard-nosed types of teams. That's not part of our DNA. We have to step up and match that and still play skillful basketball."

Of course, it's worth mentioning that Mamba was out-superstarred by King Crab. Bryant finished with a team-high 31 points, but he shot 12-for-31 and finished with more turnovers (3) than rebounds (2). James, on the other hand, had a game-high 37 points (13-for-25 from the field, 10-for-13 from the line) to go along with 5 boards, 9 assists, 2 steals and a blocked shot. LeBron wasn't perfect -- he had 4 turnovers and went 1-for-8 from downtown -- but he made a convincing argument for Best Player in the League status. And, more importantly, he also illustrated pretty clearly that Ron Artest isn't going to slow him down. Nobody is. He's that good. Imagine what he'd be like with a real coach who ran actual plays.

Kobe bristled at the idea that the Lakers and Crabs have a rivalry -- "No," Mamba said before the game, "not at all." -- but Cleveland has taken seven of their last games against The L.A. Team. You know that has to get under Bryant's skin. Speaking of which...

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: When asked whether he was going to talk to his team about the loss, Mamba said: "They know I'm pissed. I don't have to say anything right now." He also "joked" about strangling "every single one" of his teammates. Again, he shot 12-for-31. I'm just sayin'.

Update! Pau Gasol, the Spanish Marshmallow: As Anish noted in the comments: "how can you not mention Pau's buckle at the end of the game. He couldve tied it up, but decided to miss both free throws and on the next Lakers possession, Kobe passes it to Pau for an almost uncontested layup and manages to get blocked. Quality sequence from the big man in the fourth quarter." Cortez described Gasol's performance thusly: "He was playing like a sheet of damp (with urine) 1 ply toliet paper in the late stages."

Pictured: Kobe blaming his teammates.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: Before the Crabs (and the media) get too happy about this win, somebody should pose the following question: If the hometown Crabs won the rebounding battle and held L.A. to 38 percent shooting, why did the Lakers still have a chance to steal this game going into the final minute?

Mike Fratello, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Submitted by a hammered BW in Cleveland: "Pau doesn't get it up strong enough."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Despite pulling out a close win over the Bulls at home on Wednesday night, Thursday night's 105-85 loss to the Nuggets in Denver proved that the Clippers are indeed who we thought they were. Actually, this was probably a case of the dreaded back-to-back syndrome. The Other L.A. Team kept things close through the first two quarters -- they were actually up by a point at the half -- but got outscored 34-17 in the third quarter. That was pretty much the game.

Mind you, the Clippers were playing without Eric Gordon (sprained left big toe) and Sebastian Telfair (groin), both of whom got injured during the Bulls game. Not exactly the situation you want going into a season-long eight-game road trip.

Weird fact: The Clips went 1-for-17 from three (tired legs) but outscored Denver 48-28 in the paint. The Nuggets went 11-for-22 from downtown and had a 37-19 advantage in free throw attempts, which I'm sure had nothing at all to do with home cooking.

Lacktion report: Phil Jackson singlehandedly ensured Chris would have some lacktion to report:

Lakers-Crabs: Sasha Vujacic climbed up the Deadly Towers for a 13 second Mario, while DJ Mbenga countered a board with a foul and turnover for a 2:1 Voskuhl in 1:34.

Labels: All-Star Game, Allen Iverson, that's all imma say, Worst of the Night

No, no, no, Timmy. The correct call was "Right hand Genitals." KG wins.


Thanks to Sky Flakes for the picture.

Labels: All-Star Game, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Twister

In all honesty, I could probably just nominate the entire All-Star Weekend for a "Worst of." Millions of people vote for the All-Star starters, approximately 100 times that many people bitch and moan about who did or didn't make it in, and then NBA fans as a collective unit either dismiss or openly hate the game as well as all the side-events and hoopla that surround it. Plus, the players do the same thing. They go on and on about this or that teammate who should have gotten in, and then the guys who DO make it more or less sleepwalk through the three-day gala. I've never seen so many people care so avidly about something they couldn't care less about. But, since my pact with the Devil forces me to provide the masses with free comedy, here we go:

Dwyane Wade's fashion sense: If you watched the Rookie Challenge, you probably noticed that Steve Urkel was an assistant coach for the rookie team. But here's the thing: Jaleel White would have had to have taken an Andre the Giant-sized dose of HGH to fill out like that. (Plus, I'm pretty sure he served me at T.G.I. Friday's this weekend.) No, it was actually Dwyane Wade, who apparently got dressed by running through Bozo the Clown's closet at full speed with his eyes closed. The ensemble included a blue sports coat over a yellow v-neck sweater with a bow tie and glasses. Explained Wade: "It was a combination of a lot of different things. It was a tribute to one of my assistant coaches in Miami -- Keith Askins. He wears a bow tie. So I told him during the season, 'I'm going to show you how to wear it.' Also, I just wanted to try something new, being conservative. I brought the glasses because I was a coach so I thought I would look smart." Well, uh, misery accomplished, Pookie. Of course, it would turn out that Wade's outfit was only the second-worst clothing choice of the weekend. But more on that below.

Bill Laimbeer: Ugh. I would have rather seen him in D-Wade's outfit...even if Wade was still in it at the time:


When I see Karl Malone these days, I think: "Man, I hope I look that good when I'm his age." When I see Bill, I think: "If I ever look like that, I hope someone will shoot at me. And shoot to kill." This isn't the other fashion faux pas I was referring too, by the way. Keep reading. (P.S. Yes, I know this is last year's picture of Bill. I couldn't get one from this year. Can anybody help me out?)

The Rookie Challenge: The rooks actually have two wins in this series, in 2000 and 2002. (And get this: Dirk Nowitzki, a former regular season MVP, and Paul Pierce, last year's Finals MVP, were both on the sophomore team that lost in 2000.) But the sophomores still have an 8-2 edge in the series and, as of this weekend, now have seven straight wins. I'm just saying, it's getting a little sad. If you saw a beaver caught in a bear trap, wouldn't you set it free? You know, after you stopped laughing at all the "beaver" jokes you were going to tell your friends later? Of course you would. So please, David Stern, end the slaughter of our rookies. If LeBron's rookie team couldn't win and this year's exceptionally talented class couldn't break through, it's just an exercise in futility. Why not pit the rookies against the D-League All-Stars, as some people are suggesting?

All-Star HORSE, er, GEICO: Most of you already know how I detest the ridiculous renaming of this competition -- why not just call it something more appropriate, like TAMPAX or VAGISIL? -- but the contest failed in more than just its name. Look, I would have booed that game of HORSE/GEICO if I'd been forced to watch it at my weekly pickup league. The fact that NBA stars were bricking their way through that contest was enough to bring Pistol Pete back to life just so he could die again, only this time of shame and embarrassment. Kevin Durant eventually warmed up enough to make it mildly interesting in that "watching a spider slowly suck the blood out of a dead fly" kind of way. But that wasn't enough to save it.

I suppose the game was semi-doomed from the start, probably for a couple reasons. First off, when the NBA held HORSE games back in the 1970's, the winner got $15,000. I know it may not sound like a lot these days, but according to Basketball-Reference.com, Pete Maravich made $600,000 in 1978-79...so that $15K represented a pretty sizable bonus. I couldn't find out how much prize money Geico was putting up for this year's competition, but relative to Joe Johnson's $14,232,566 salary, the winnings would have had to be in the $350,000 range to equal the Pistol's prize for winning 30ish years ago. Since I seriously doubt Geico paid out that much, I'm guessing that the money wasn't exactly a motivator.

Secondly, today's players are all wacky about pride and respect. Don't get me wrong. So were Pistol Pete, Bob McAdoo and all those guys HORSEing around in the 70's. But go back and watch one of those old HORSE showdowns. You can tell they took it seriously. Durant, Johnson and O.J. Mayo played with a kind of mock casualness so that, if/when they lost, they could just shrug their shoulders and say it was no big deal. That way, they wouldn't lose face. But while I'm sure it helped Johnson and Mayo sleep a little better that night (and shrug off all the trash talk), it certainly robbed the game of anything remotely resembling intensity. And personally, I think some intensity would have made them shoot a little better. But what do I know?

Tony Parker's skillz: There's no shame in losing the Skills Challenge to a rookie, not when that rookie is Derrick Rose. There is, however, more than a little shame in getting bounced in the first round with a course time of 50.8 seconds...a full 17.5 ticks after Rose. But it gets better (or worse for Mr. Longoria): That finish made TP the proud owner of the two slowest times ever recorded in Skills Challenge history. (He slogged through the course in 45.5 seconds in 2003.) Duncan face!

The Slam Dunk Shamockery: Let's face some facts: Nate Robinson shouldn't have won it, okay? Yes, he's a freak of nature and it's amazing that a man who's only four feet tall can slam dunk a basketball with enough force to create tiny alternate realities full of four-foot men who can dunk. But his winning slam -- which will probably go down in NBA history as the "Kryptonite Dunk" -- was a shamockery. Watch:


Like Reggie Miller immediately pointed out, Nate didn't jump over Dwight Howard; he used his off arm to vault off of Howard's back. Why not just let Robinson use a trampoline? Or wires? Or let George Lucas CGI the dunk? Freaking Howard dunked on a 12-foot rim and then almost slammed it home from the free throw line. Dwight won this contest. It was the biggest rip-off since 2006 when -- surprise, surprise -- Robinson beat Andre Iguodala despite the fact that it TOOK HIM 14 TRIES to complete his final slamma-jamma (it took Iggy only two tries).

Look, I know the little guys are always the sentimental favorites, but come on. Oh, and by the way, Rudy Fernández got totally hosed by the judges. Bet if he were half a foot shorter he would have won it.

Craig Sager: At least Dwyane Wade was (I guess) trying to be funny. But Craig Sager -- who's long been known for his rather horrific sense of fashion -- hit a new, all-time low, even for him: Pink sports coat with a red hanky, pink and white striped shirt, blue tie with purple polka dots and red pants. So hideous that Kevin Garnett told him to burn it as soon as he got home. I can only hope for the sake of our children’s eyes that Sager took KG's advice.


Phil Jackson: I guess that P-Jax didn't get the memo that the All-Star game is intended to be a fun and entertaining exhibition of basketball for the fans. Dude single-handedly spoiled whatever fun might have been had by employing a friggin' ZONE DEFENSE for most of the game. Really, Phil? A zone?! It's the f'ing All-Star game! Who the frick wants to see a zone?! Seriously, that made me so angry I would like to spend the rest of my life punching Phil in the face and/or groin. Instead of nifty passes and impressive dunks, we got to watch the Eastern Conference All-Stars brick away from the outside (8-for-35 from downtown).

Said KG: "Well I felt like [the three-point shot] was the only option. It was the first All-Star game I've seen that you couldn't into the paint, and that was odd. I'm sure they had a strategy for winning. ... It's a weekend for entertaining and high-flying, I don't think people want to see zones and all that." No kidding. Added Dwight Howard: "I think on defense they played a zone, so we couldn't get to the rack. It was tough for us to get into the paint. It seemed like they had Shaq, Yao and Amare and Tim (Duncan) and everybody in the paint loaded up."

Look, I understand that the point of any game is, in most instances, to win. But that's not the goal of the All-Star Game. The point then is to wow a fanbase that is becoming increasingly angry and disconsolate every year. Instead of trying to make the people happy, Jackson put his own desire to win-win-win ahead of everything else. Congrats, Phil. I'm glad that operation to remove your shame gland was such a glorious success.

Dwight Howard: First he was the prop that propelled Nate Robinson to the 2009 Slam Dunk Championship. Then he was the prop that propelled Shaq to become co-MVP of the All-Star game. Way to stand in the right place at the right time, Dwight.


The MVP selection: Kobe got a co-nod for gunning (a game-high 23 shots). Shaq got a co-nod for dunking and that sweet give-and-go. But what about Chris Paul? He ran the show and amost finished with a triple-double (14 points, 7 rebounds, 14 assists) plus 3 steals. But All-Star MVP selection is almost always about scoring, so what did anybody expect? Still, the role that the point guards play in this game is always underrated.

Update! Chris's lacktion report: Joe Johnson had probably one of the worst ASG performances of all time, on the heels of being first eliminated in HOR...er...GEICO with a missed granny shot: In 21:38, he bricked four times (three pieces of masonry from downtown), took a rejection, and gave the ball away to the West on FIVE occasions. That's a suck differential of...+10. Wow.

And when the East lost by 27, being a -28 lacktator is absolutely bawful. Bawful enough that his local paper found his scorelessness worth writing about. Johnson's line was so sleep inducing that CP3 tried to use him as a pillow. But Paul was kind enough to play hot potato with Johnson. On the other hand, Chauncey Billups' new defensive appproach to another poor entry from the Atlanta all-star into the key has Shaq dumbfounded.

Labels: All-Star Game, Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Nate Robinson, Phil Jackson, Worst of the Weekend

I just received the following email from Basketbawful reader Greg:

"I decided to vote for the All-Star Game on NBA.com. I voted for Aldridge, Amare, Roy, Nash, and Oden in the West and Bosh, LeBron, Calderon, Wade, and Howard in the East. After I finished, the page showed my picks and they were completely wrong. The headshots were right, but the names didn't match who I voted for at all. Have a look and you will see what I mean. Nice job NBA. It's like like the refs from last night's Blazers/Warriors game made the site."

Here's the shot. It's actually pretty funny.



Whoa. You're looking a little leathery there, Brad. Better stop spending so much time at the tanning bed. It's obviously aging you prematurely. Peja's looking pretty suave, though...

Labels: All-Star Game, NBA.com, who did I vote for

Charles Barkley learned an important lesson over All-Star Weekend: Stop making fun of the suit Karl Malone wore to the 1985 NBA Draft. Or else.


This little episode ranked somewhere between Dwight Howard's Superman Dunk and Reggie Miller's use of the word "titty" in my list of Favorite Moments from the 2008 All-Star Weekend. The lesson we can take from all this is: When Karl Malone demands an apology, you apologize, no questions asked. In fact, it's probably best to never say anything that would ever offend him.

Labels: All-Star Game, Apology, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, TNT

Shooting stars? Guards shoot, big men dunk. That's the formula, right? Well, Saturday Night's Shooting Stars Competition gave us all a little lesson in New Math and - as Reggie Miller put it - set back shooting 100 years. Team Detroit (Chauncy Billups, WNBA Player X, Bill Laimbeer) were the defending champs, but they got ousted in the first round, and the finals pitted guard-heavy Team Chicago (Chris Duhon, WNBA Player Y, B.J. Armstrong) against center-laden Team San Antonio (Tim Duncan, WNBA Player Z, David Robinson). So naturally the team with two seven-footers won the thing, thanks to a top-of-the-key three from Duncan and a half court shot from The Admiral, who looks better in retirement than most guys look while playing. Seeing my man David made watching this travesty of shooting a little less painful.

They've got skills. Well, some of them: The Skills Challenge turned into a somewhat exciting battle of one-upsmanship between two emerging superstar point guards, with Deron Williams setting a new even record (25.5 seconds) to upset Chris Paul in the finals. However, Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade just embarrassed themselves. Kidd's woeful lack of shooting touch was on display when he clunked all five three-point attempts and got tossed after round one with a time of 39.7 seconds. Wade, though...Wade had a full-on ego-ectomy. After electing not to even practice the course, the two-time defending Skills Competition champion lost his dribble out of bounds, botched four straight jumpers before just giving up and flinging the fifth at the hoop, and then missed two layups before ending the round with a score of 53.9 seconds...a time even Stephen Hawking could have beaten.

Steve Nash has no rhythm: Nash admitted before the Three-Point Shootout that the only reason he was taking part in the event was because the Collective Bargaining Agreement says he has to. (Said Nash: "They hold me to it every year.") So naturally he went out and performed like a man who didn't care and wanted it to all be over as quickly as possible, hitting only eight of 25 shots and scoring a lowly nine points. Maybe that'll teach David Stern not to force unwilling former MVPs to compete in meaningless contests they couldn't care less about.

The dunk contest requires dunks, right? Okay, let me open by saying that I have a serious case of the man love for Dwight Howard, and I freaked out when he pulled out the Superman cape for his first dunk. But...he didn't dunk that ball, he just sort of threw it in. Of course, everybody was so juiced about the cape - even David Stern was standing and yelling - that nobody seemed to notice that Howard failed to slam it home. I was also a little bummed that the Superman routine and Gerald Green's cupcake dunk got used up in the first round, because everything after that felt a little anticlimactic.

Gerald Green lost his invitation to planet Lovetron: I can't believe I forgot about this one. Thanks to flohtingpoint for the reminder: "While all of this was great stuff, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, came close to Gerald Green taking off his shoes, signing them for Darryl Dawkins, then having Chocolate Thunder bat them off the table when Gerald basically performed the same dunk twice in a row." You know, while I was watching that dunk, I thought: You know, doing a running dunk in socks would be pretty difficult. Unfortunately for Green, the dunk may indeed have been difficult, but it just looked stupid.

The Bibby Trade: So...Mike Bibby finally gets traded...to the Hawks?! Excuse me for totally not caring. I guess it improves the Hawks and all, but it's probably only the difference between not making the playoffs and first-round sweep. I was really hoping the Bibster would end up in Cleveland. And so was LeBron James.

The All-Star Game script remains unchanged: This is the way almost every All-Star Game seems to go: Ridiculously sloppy first quarter, followed by one team running up a big lead in the second quarter, followed by the other team staging a rally in the third quarter, followed by a fairly competitive fourth quarter (except for the occasional blowout). And this year's game followed that time-tested script to a T.

Three-point shooting: There were a lot of airballs last night despite the fact that no one was playing any defense until the fourth quarter.

Freethrow shooting: I understand that it's just the All-Star game and the level of focus and concentration maybe isn't as high as usual. But the FT shooting numbers were a Shaq-like 57 percent (8-for-14) for the West and a Chris Dudley-like 42 percent (6-for-14) for the East.

Yao Ming: Not only did the big man attempt a couple threes - the second of which was a step-back airball after the game had started to get serious - he was posterized at least two or three times by Howard. Maybe it's just me, but Yao always looks like he's moving in slow motion, especially when he's surrounded by All-Stars.

Kobe Bryant: He played only 2:52 in the first quarter and then sat out the remainder of the game to rest his pinkie finger. And yes, those are some of the lamest words ever strung together in the English language. My real disappointment, though, was the fact that he couldn't take part in the Three-Point Shootout, because then at least there would have been one score lower than Steve's.

Allen Iverson: The Answer scored only 7 points (3-for-7) and committed 6 turnovers. I wouldn't have even bothered to mention him, except that he apparently jumped everybody's case during halftime about taking the game seriously and playing to win. Come on, A.I., we're talking about All-Star Games!

Tim Duncan: Does this man ever smile? TD didn't crack one after the Shooting Stars Competition, and his face didn't so much as move during the ASG intros, despite the fact that his fellow starters were hamming it up for the camera. Okay, fine, Tim. We all get that you don't want to be there. But you don't have to act like your puppy just died, okay?

Dirk Nowitzki: It was a rough night for the reigning regular season MVP. He airballed a three, shot 5-for-14, got posterized by LeBron, and then got his junk stuffed by Dwyane Wade.

Chris Paul: I have nothing bad to say about this kid. He was huge (16 points, 14 assists) and probably would have won the MVP if his team could have pulled it out. Which would have rocked the house, since he was playing at home.

Rasheed Wallace: The one man who wanted to be at the All-Star Game less than Tim Duncan. He might have been dancing a little jig during the intros, but the expression on his face said, "I'm about to choke a bitch." 'Sheed then went out and hoisted out three or four left-handed threes, only, just like Inigo Montoya, he's not left-handed.

Chauncy Billups: I cringe every time somebody calls him Mr. Big Shot. Last night's line: 3-for-10 from the field, 0-for-6 from three. Can't we just call him Mr. Occasionally Hits A Tough Shot?

Jason Kidd: It was awkward to watch him in a New Jersey Nets uniform during the Skills Competition, and it was even more awkward to listen to trade updates throughout the All-Star game...including when David Aldridge tried to bug Dirk about it, and Dirk was afraid to even comment on it.

LeBron James: He had a great night put up some big-time numbers - 27 points, 8 rebounds, 9 assists - but he didn't deserve the MVP award. Ray Allen did. And you could kind of see it in LeBron's face when he was accepting the trophy from David Stern. But he cut through the Western Conference All-Stars like a knife through butter and crammed one down into Nowitzki's face, which immediately became the signature play of the game. And that's what the fans were thinking about while casting their MVP votes, I'm sure.

Labels: All-Star Game, Chauncy Billups, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace Rule, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan

Are you wondering exactly why Tracy McGrady was left off the All Star Team? It's not a snub of Manu Ginobili proportions like you might suspect. Snubbed or not, T-Mac had no intention of setting foot in the Big Easy since day one.

Rewind back to 2007. New Orleans was announced as the location for the 2008 ASG, and Tracy McGrady immediately wanted nothing to do with it. And based on the increase in violent crimes in New Orleans and the shitstorm surrounding Las Vegas '07, it was somewhat understandable. Whether he watched too many depressing Spike Lee documentaries or had a bad experience with a Frozen Hurricane and a drunk college co-ed we're not sure, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Fast forward to January 2008. The All Star Game is right around the corner, and Tracy McGrady has a firm grip on the second guard spot in the West, with nearly 10% more votes than the third place Allen Iverson. Suddenly McGrady, with his paltry 22 ppg, 5 assists and 5 boards a night, wants to surrender his spot to a more deserving player, which the rules won't allow.

Then, later that same week, T-Mac cites a nagging knee ailment that, although it ain't so bad now, may cause him to shut it down four weeks from now. Despite the fact that, since that debilitating knee ailment occurred, McGrady is still playing 36 minutes a night and has missed only one game (out of 11). And that one game was missed with flu-like symptoms! Something's fishy here.

The NBA heard T-Mac's waambulance and quietly scratched him from the ASG altogether. But don't ever expect them to say that. The official NBA ASG site shows that, over a 10 day period after paper balloting was closed, Allen Iverson mysteriously surged and overcame the 10% deficit and won by a measly 0.9% (10,400 votes). Despite the fact that T-Mac started in 2006 and 2007, the reserve selection committee also took the hint and decided to let Tracy "rest" and ice down his sore vagina knee, ending his seven game All-Star streak and selecting Brandon Roy and David West.

Even though the New Orleans Hornets play in front of dozens of fans every night without altercation, the Big Easy is apparently something to be very, very afraid of. And Tracy McGrady's unnatural phobia of Harry Connick Jr., voodoo parlors and crawfish etouffee has led to one of the great All Star non-appearances in league history.

Labels: All-Star Game, conspiracy theories, Tracy McGrady

Is the prestige and adulation of the NBA All-Star Game just not your thing? Would you rather spend your time looking into new hair-care products or making poorly timed trade demands? No need to conjure up a mysterious hip ailment or get caught urinating in a Wendy's dumpster, here are a few proven, sure-fire ways to get completely ignored every January. Rest up, your team has three busy months of losing to worry about.

You are The Man...The 6th Man. As long as Gregg Popovich is alive, Manu Ginobili will never go to the All-Star Game again. Popovich always insists on keeping Manu's minutes down, presumably to keep him fresh (i.e. he gets so amped at times he may spontaneously combust), but to the casual fan this means a lack of talent. But if someone hid the Mentholatum vapor rub, rendering Michael Finley, Brent Barry and Bruce Bowen unable to move, you'd see that Ginobili is quietly having an insanely good year. Sit down for this: 4th among shooting guards in assists (per 48 mins), 3rd in points and 2nd in steals, while shooting 40% on threes and an NBA Jam-like 74% in the clutch! Kobe Bryant, you can't do that.

But practical-minded coaches can be the downfall of many a great player. What if Phil Jackson decided to keep Michael Jordan "fresh" during the 90's? Pigeons would be pooping on a Scottie Pippen statue in front of the United Center. I trust that Ginobili will be tossing back some brews with guys like Ricky Pierce, Detlef Schrempf and Toni Kukoc, and having a good laugh. Because exhibition games are for suckers.

Your Teammates Suck. Al Jefferson is having the break-out year many people expected, but there was no doubt whatsoever that Al would be completely ignored. Great players on crappy teams are largely overlooked because people are fully aware of the "Ugly Friend" effect: you might look awesome only because your teammates are terrible.

Believe it or not, Zach Randolph was a completely respectable player as recently as last year. But a 24 point, 10 rebound campaign was nowhere near enough to hide the fact that the Blazers were working on 50 losses (and Zach had outstanding warrants). And Shareef Abdur-Rahim goes without saying (a steady 20 point, 9 rebound, 50 loss guy in Vancouver for 5 seasons).

The "Ugly Friend" effect was so effective back in 2001, it even fooled Bulls GM Jerry Krause, causing Elton Brand to be traded for pennies on the dollar. Those pennies being Tyson Chandler, then PJ Brown. And yes, I'm still bitter.

You have no endorsements and magazines ignore you. Make no mistake, the All-Star Game can be a shameless popularity contest, and if you don't market yourself, the NBA won't market you. The tide turned when BJ Armstrong started alongside Kenny Anderson back in 1994. Now, at this point in time, is Jason Kidd, with his advanced age and sub-37% shooting, a better option than Michael Redd?

Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony were voted as starters this year, but the last two league MVPs had to be named as reserves. Think about that.

Labels: All-Star Game, conspiracy theories, Manu Ginobili, NBA marketing

Ever wonder what kind of questions the non-superstars get asked at the All-Star Game? Then this video should enlighten you. We may not know what it's like being Adam Morrison, but now at least we know that sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not...and that's everybody, you know?

Labels: Adam Morrison, All-Star Game